The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Big Three

Episode Date: July 1, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank reveals his new crush, the team discuss the birds and the bees and Frank gets to the bottom of 'freshen up'.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner and this morning I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Hurrah! You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Those are your choices. Morning Frank. How you doing?

We've already had a missive in. Good. And this is from Mike Griffin. He says, Morning, folks. As three people engaged in the entertainment industry, can you answer me this? Why have film credits speeded up of late?

I used to be an avid reader of credits. Those on the Godfather films were meat and drink to me. Is it because powers that be think we can just pause stuff? My all-time favourite credit was when Lassie was on television and it read, Keep up whatever. That's Mike Griffin. Sterling work, Mike. That's very good. My favourite credit, not as good as that,

was Manning Marquis Wilfred Hyde-White. I always liked that. You're a fan of the Hawaii Five-0 credit, Frank. Zulu as Kona. Always as a child, perhaps not really aware of cultural differences. When it said Zulu as Kona, I thought, why bother changing that? Never occurred to me that people in Hawaii

were looking at Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett and thinking, why bother changing that? And it's a good question. Why do we bother changing? Why do actors not just use their own names easier? Yeah, I mean, I could have gone as Alan instead of Broken Leg Patient in my last TV credit. Broken Leg Patient?

Were you a Native American? I think so, yeah. Actually, I probably need to IMDB myself to find out if I was listed as Broken Leg Man or Broken Leg Patient in the actual final thing. Because that sort of stuff's important to me. Well, you might have got more money for patient haven't you got your

haven't you got your CV at the ready to hand like somebody with a demo if you walked out of it and bumped into a big time producer well what if well I think if you handed him a piece of paper that had been folded into four

with your CV on it... It's been in my pocket for three years. It's always worked in the films. It does, doesn't it? You see, I always felt with the as-himself credit, I don't like an as-himself at the beginning because it's a bit of a spoiler alert, isn't it? Do they have as-herself if it's a woman?

I can't remember ever having seen as-herself. You've got a few as-himself credits on things, haven't you? Oh, God, yeah. Have you got... Oh, he had one in that lovely Robbie Coltrane drama. Yes, I had Emmerdale Farm as himself, I had. You haven't. You do.

Oh, yeah. Have you? You got Emmerdale? I think you'll find it's called Emmerdale now, thank you. That's right. Or is it Emmerdale Farm now? No, I think it's Emmerdale. You're quite right.

But the last time I watched it, it was Emmerdale Farm now? No, I think it's Emmerdale. You're quite right. But the last time I watched it it was Emmerdale Farm and I'm including when I was on it. I was on it, I was the mystery voice on a radio competition on Emmerdale Farm.

Were you? Oh, yeah. Been around a bit. Oh, fine. But the chap in question is right. The credits definitely do seem to have sped up,

don't they? Who do you think so? It'd be very hard to read Frank Skinner as radio host nowadays because it just goes past so quickly. No, it's not that, though. I don't think they're the people that care. They're the people that are sort of the top end of the film food chain. It's like, you know, Steve, who did the catering,

is furious if he sped past. When I was a kid, we used to go to the cinema. The credits, as soon as the film ended, you know those lovely silky curtains you used to get in? They would close and the credits would just be shown over them. So you couldn't really read them anymore. Through the curtain, like a striptease. Someone stopping for the credits,

it would have been eccentric in the extreme. Well, my father was very strict Someone stopping for the credits, it would have been eccentric in the extreme. Well, we had... My father was very strict about staying for the credits. And if people got off and walked out, I mean, he called them illiterate swines, which is the worst insult I could give. Oh, I mean. Great insult, though.

I like it. But maybe they were illiterate, you know. Yeah, they might have been. They were illiterate, mate. It's a bit hard on them. I bet with your upbringing and the enclave of show business, you understood the credits. I bet you understood, and the enclave of show business you understood the credits.

I bet you understood like what a grip. Key grip. And a gaffer boy. Gaffer and key grip.

They sit there in the cinema smoking cigarettes. We have gaffer boys in the S&M community don't get me wrong.

And also a key grip. And that's it makes your eyes water. This is and that's it makes your eyes water this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio what were you going to read

Emily D oh yeah so we had a text in from Samantha in Welling and she says I love you come on everybody

Samantha no I didn't know it I didn't know it in time I would say not really I love you. Come on, everybody. Samantha. No? I didn't know it. I didn't know it in time. I would say not really. It's from High Society. Oh, I love that movie. Okay.

I think I've got it right. I don't think I know it. I'm a one girl guy. Anyway. My favourite film credit is Man in Water in Titanic. Do you know who it was? I don't know. Oh, if he's listening to this, see?

Not only have they been speeded up, but now people are just giving the other half of the credit. I was in a version of a film called SOS Titanic. Were you? Yes. And I played one of the Fortunates And I played one of the Fortunates. I played one of the I was in one of the Fortunates

and I was also up top as opposed to below. Oh, nice. Below stairs. But I wonder what my credit was. One of the Fortunates. Not just in that. Maybe there's a heading

that said Fortunates and then it just listed in one of the names. I might have been posh child. I would fancy your chances of getting in a lifeboat. Yeah. Would you? Yeah. child? I would fancy your chances of getting in a lifeboat. Would you? Yeah.

What? I don't know. I'd charm my way in, I think. Yes, I think, yeah. No, I think people wouldn't really question. You'd have such a sort of... You'd be on your way to the lifeboat. People would let you in.

Everyone's talking about it. You'd be allowed to podge, even in the queue. Do people still podge? Podge? Yeah. Or what, like, podge up? Don't podge, even in the queue. Do people still podge? Podge? Yeah, he used to podge. Don't podge. Oh, right. We have another credit.

Paul from Glennon in Liverpool. Morning, people. Oh, that's very comrade. My favourite film credit is from The Italian Job. Michael Caine's Suits by Man at C&A. Nice. Wow. And Paul says thanks for the Saturday

happiness. Oh, I know you've done praise. I know. What was that for you personally? I did like Voice of Dragon John Hurt in Merlin. Yes, you did. You loved Merlin. Don't get sad about it. 736 has texted

I've always wondered what a grip does. Why don't they just buy it 736 has texted I've always wondered what a grip does why don't they just buy some clamps and make him T-boy instead yeah seems a bit unfair crocodile clips

yeah you should know all about that yeah I'll show you some scars no you're alright it looks like it looks like

castellation is that what they call it I don't know either way whatever it means. You know the thing where a castle wall goes up and then it goes down and then it goes up and then it goes down and then it goes up again?

Not like the Portcullis? No. No. Like a toe board. I'm going to calm down, everyone. I'm not going to argue. I'm not going to fall out over castles. Okay.

Let's not go into castle chat this early. I was staying at a hotel this week and I arrived and there were some other people I was working with who were also there in the foyer. Is it the foyer? Yeah. Of a hotel. And I said something which I think might be

the most middle class thing I've ever said. Excellent. And I said it and it sort of hung in the air. And I was sort of, I shocked myself. I actually said, and this is completely unironically, I meant it in some strange way. I actually said, I'm just going to go upstairs to freshen up. Now, there are three things about this.

First of all, I... I like that there are three things about this. No-one thought it strange. That was the first thing that really threw me. Also, I had no idea how one freshens up. And the third thing is that it's a cliché. I think you'd agree it's a cliché. And I'll go out of my way to avoid a cliché.

Yeah. Whereas now I'd absolutely dived in at the deep end. Yeah, yeah. Would you ever say I'm going to freshen up, Em? I'll start with you. Well, I know what you mean by freshen up, Em? I'll start with you. Well, I know what you mean by freshen up. But I don't. When I said I'm going to freshen up,

what would you expect me to do when I get up there? I don't really want to go into it in your case. But I imagine you'd had a long car journey. Am I right? You'd just arrived at the hotel? Yes. Oh, OK. So it would involve...

There's things that need to be done. Some sort of discharge. Mm-hm. Well, what I would do... Absolutely disgusting. I would go into the hotel... I can't get over it. I would go into the hotel room. I would freshen up. I'd probably change my top.

But when I think freshen up... I would go out, wash my hands, get some baby wipes out. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh when I think freshen up... I'll wash my hands, get some baby wipes out. Really? Yeah. Oh, lovely. Freshen up. Freshen up with my baby wipes. For some reason, if I was going to freshen up,

I'd feel I'd need rose water. Really? There's something about rose water that, to me, is at the very heart of freshening up. And I don't really know what rose water is. Is it the water that's had roses left in it? It's a nice scented water, Frank. Would you go for a squirt of the Dove deodorant?

A bit of Lynx, maybe? A bit of Lynx? Like it's 15. Mid-day? Would you not do that as part of the freshening up? I do that in the morning. It says 24 hours on the bottle. Oh, yeah, you can use it more than once.

I think it's a guesstimate. But then I'm going to be unsure about what the time lapse thing is. Yeah. Okay. I don't want a 24-hour one and then 12 hours into that, another 24-hour one. Yeah. Soon I'm going to...

I'd have to get a chart. Do I want an armpit chart? Is that what I want in my life? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. It's still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a contact from my son's school. Oh, yeah. About, you know, they like you to take in cereal boxes

and stuff like that for them to make stuff, you know, they like you to take in cereal boxes and stuff like that. Oh, right, okay. For them to make stuff, you know, yoghurt pots. All that stuff, yeah. They've refined it. They've put a ban on one popular child-making stuff item. Can you guess what that is? What's that?

Glitter. No. Pipe cleaners. No. Where do they get pipe cleaners from now? Where do they find the pipe smoker? Not only are they going to find a pipe smoker, but one that uses pipe cleaners. I used to love a pipe cleaner. You could

make a pipe cleaner man with them, couldn't you? Yeah. And they were a lovely fashion inspiration. a pipe cleaner. Pipe cleaner? You could make a pipe cleaner man with them, couldn't you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And they were a lovely sort of fashion inspiration. Yeah, they were less good when they'd been used, I found.

Ugh. Anyway. I reckon they probably sell more pipe cleaners for arts and crafts now, specifically for arts and crafts than they do for cleaning pipes. So we're still trying to guess

what the item was. Oh, yeah. What have you done? Glitter? Egg boxes. Children's craft. Okay. No what the item was. Oh, yeah. What have you done? Glitter? Egg boxes. Children's craft. Okay. No, not egg boxes.

You've done glitter. I'll give you a clue. It's been removed on hygiene grounds. Oh. I don't like the sound of this. No, it's the cardboard inner toilet roll oh the inner sanctum which was so

a mainstay a mainstay can I just say as you said that I saw the producer now toilet roll like it was a quiz question I hate it when the audience join in really spoils it I quite like the help but isn't that don't you find that

i find that loot well i mean ludicrous yeah very good it wasn't deliberate i mean what a bunch of losers yeah very good come on come on it's lunacy just apparently, I mean, I suppose it makes sense. It's been around quite a lot of... What, the toilet roll? Toilet activity. Oh, I see. Yeah. The inner sanctum's safe.

I think so. I don't know if it is. No, I agree. I think it's safe. My inner sanctum is safe. What about the spores? I'll tell you that. You're not thinking about the spores, though, that travel.

No, I'm not. Not the way I treat my cleaner. She knows what to do. No, but you know what they say, you have to close your lid before flushing, otherwise your toothbrush... Thanks for the tip. Your toothbrush will end up like, you know,

one of those in-seed dandelions. We can't see them. Covered in excrement spores. Enjoy your breakfast. I'm just trying to help people. Don't put me down. Yeah. So, I mean, if you think about the classic

Tracy Island, the classic Blue Peter Bill. Do you remember Tracy Island? Oh, it's a legendary make. Kids make. And it was so popular, wasn't it? Yeah. I'm sure it had a lot of toilet roll holder things in it. Oh, yeah, I would imagine. Oh, yeah, it was crawling

with them. It was. It was crawling with four feces islands, I call it. Made by Anthea Turner. Anthea Turner. More like it. More like it. I think we're going to have to stop. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. 499, who's Ed in rugby, has texted, my favourite film credit is Dinosaur Supervisor from Jurassic Park. That's a nice job. I like to think it was a dinosaur. Nice job. May I say not done very well in that instance.

No, they were all over the shop. Yeah. I mean, you need to get yourself a new one. No, but it'd be great if it was a dinosaur, like a shop steward figure. The best one. Yeah, everybody out. Just coming in and saying, hang on, hang on, how long's he been working this one? But if it was

a human, it's a job I feel I've been overlooked for, because as I've said, I've specialised in job titles. You know, in my acting career, there's chauffeur, barman, broken leg patient is not quite the same. Are you a chauffeur? I don't think that was a job. I was a chauffeur. I saw you as barman.

I've been barman a couple of times. I've loved your work as barman. In fact, I think I've got three barmen. Wow. Haven't we all, dear? You have to specialise. I went to the Hokasai exhibition on... Sorry. Bless you.

The Hokasai exhibition. I'm trying to do the pronunciation. You know, respect. Do you know him? I don't think so. He's a Japanese artist. He did The Great Wave. know, respect. Do you know him? I don't think so. He's a Japanese artist. He did The Great Wave. Oh, yeah.

Well, he did when I left. I was moved by it. Yeah, he's good, that wave. Yeah. I like that wave. Yeah, it's up there with the Mexican version. Two of the best waves, definitely. Do you know The Great Wave, Em?

No. It's a big drawing of a wave. Sounds nice. If you think about it. It's a very accurate description of it. Yeah. Yeah. Hence its title.

It's called The Great Wave of somewhere, but I can't remember where. But anyway, if you consider there was no photography in the 19th century, it's a bit of a job drawing a wave. Yes. You've got to be sharpish with the old pencil. Because here it

comes, here it comes. Get your pencil. I've got my pencil. Here it comes. I'm ready. Hush. Oh, I missed it. Hocker sight, bless you. No, it's it was a really fab exhibition at the British Museum.

And there's a thing I discovered there which I didn't know, is that the Japanese believed that when you turn 61, you begin a completely new cycle of life. Do they? Is that right? Yeah. Almost like big changes happen and you become, you know, almost start again.

Excellent. Obviously, I was very interested in this. Yeah. Yeah. I hope it doesn't affect me over 60's travel card. No. In any way. But no, I'm now thinking,

what's my enormous change going to be? What's going to be my big... It's very exciting. Let's call it the Great Swerve. Presumably you'll still get the royalties from what you did before you were 61. Well, I know, but I might be the sort of person that gives them to a donkey sanctuary.

Who knows? They see this as a very positive thing. Oh, yeah. All right, nice. Who knew? First I've heard of it, but I'm very excited. What will the change be? 8, 12, 15.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I occasionally, almost never nowadays actually, but we've all had, who would you say was your biggest celebrity crush ever? Was it realised, as it were?

No, no, I mean unrealised. Celebrity crushes, I think, have been us from afar. OK. Well, aside from... Rather than from a car. OK. Aside from the weirdos, like Henry VIII and Vincent Cable. Yeah.

And the son of John Darwin Canoeman. Yeah, all good. I would say I have got some Route 1 stuff in my cupboard. Everyone does. OK, are you ready for this? It's a bit Route 1, I'm sorry. Rob Lowe. OK. And the Cruisemeister.

Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise fan. Fair enough. That's my basic material. Yeah. OK, thank you. What about you, Al? It's all of the same as Emily's and some of my own.

Kylie Minogue in Neighbours. I can see. Just to that point. I can see. There's something about a donger, right? Plain Jane, also Neighbours. Plain Jane for Neighbours. Do you remember that?

I mean, that is like... Plain Jane, super, Brian. Like your skull and earrings, bruh. Playing Jane for Neighbours. Do you remember that? Playing Jane Superbrian, like your Skull and Earrings, bruh. I mean, what a revelation. When she became beautiful, I still remember that scene. I remember when Lucy became beautiful. They needed another actress to pull it off. Well, there was another girl called Kimberly in Neighbours. I think Lucy went to freshen up.

And it was one of the great acts of freshening up. She came back as Melissa Bell. Imagine if you'd done that in that hotel last week. Yeah, come down as Melissa Bell. Somebody else just talking. Still talking the same and everything. Of course, nowadays you have to just let it go. You can't comment. Oh, talking of that, Frank.

I did briefly have a bit of a crush on J.R. Ewing. Oh, Larry Hagman. Yeah. I think it was the power was in Aphrodisi.R. Ewing. Oh, Larry Hagman. Yeah. I think it was the power was in Aphrodisiac and the way he swirled the whiskey glass. I went off him a bit when he jumped the queue for a kidney transplant. Did he?

Yes. Oh, I don't like that. No, you've got to have... No podging when it comes to a kidney. You're in this podging. No, wait. Okay, so I've got some basics in my arsenal. What have you got?

I've hit on a slightly unusual one. I've been watching several programmes about this person. And I've become, me and Kath actually, have both become slightly obsessed. And I've been doing a lot of Googling images as well as text. It's Vladimir Putin. Oh. What a guy.

Yep, he is an interesting guy. No, but he's such... I've watched four hours of interviews with him from Oliver Stone. You know Oliver Stone? Yes, I know Oliver Stone. And he's so... I just think your timing might be off with Putin. Do you? Why?

He's not that popular a kind of a guy. What? No, but you know, it's funny, because I've mentioned this to a couple of people. Baroness Bakewell. Yeah. And my own brother-in-law. And they've both reacted like 1950s parents react in films when the girl goes out with that slightly rebellious guy with the motorbike.

You know what I mean? He's from the wrong side of the track. Leave him alone. You'll just get hurt. I mean, quite angry about it. You can't go around saying that you've got a slight crush on Putin. No, it's quite shocking. I mean, look, it's an improvement on Mugabe.

Well, yeah. I know, I, it's an improvement on Mugabe. Well, yeah. I know, I'm not saying I'm not fickle. What is it about him, Frank? Well, I'll tell you in a minute, but I've got the fares. You know the fares that tells me I have to... Basically means shut up. In case you've never listened to the show before, the producer, she'll love me taking the time out to tell you this,

when I'm mid-fares. She puts a small fares in front of me and it means, shut up, we have to play music or adverts or something. And that's my life. All right? It's like living in a... It's like being a giant in some sort of souk. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know the people worried about you, about the Putin thing? Yeah. Are they worried that it's only a hop, skip and a jump from slightly having a celebrity crush on Putin to becoming one of those people that thinks the whole of the Western media is against him and a conspiracy theorist? I have tied with that idea. When I watched him interviewed,

I did think you might be profoundly evil, but you are still much more impressive than any British or American politician I've ever seen interviewed. So, you know. Did you find him funny? He was quite funny. He was quite funny. I'll tell you what he did. Oliver Stone

persuaded him to watch Dr. Strangelove with him. Did he? You know that film about the bomb? Yeah. Which is, I think, a great thing to pull off as it was. So they had shots of him sitting there watching it. And what did he say?

And after, Putin sort of says, it's not that far-fetched, I don't think. I know people who talk about stuff like this, which is reassuring. And anyway, he said, thank you for introducing me to this film. which is reassuring. And anyway, he said, thank you for introducing me to this film. And Oliver Stone gave him the DVD and says, you know, please keep it.

He says, thanks very much. And he walked out the room. And then he come back in, Putin, and he said, typical American present. And he opened the DVD box and it was empty. I thought, that's a good gag. Okay, now we've got to the heart of the matter. You like him because he made a gag. No.

I've got the Trump apologist to my right. He's smart. I've got the Putin friend to my left. Oh, Jeremy, what's the world coming to? He's smart. Jeremy looks improper. Well, you know, Trump is meeting him next week, I believe. Is that right?

Yes, I think that's their first meeting in inverted commas. You heard it here first. No one else knows. That's just breaking news. I told you not to mention the Trump Putin thing. I think it has been in the papers. I told you that in confidence. Usually we do late reviews.

Now we're doing breaking news. This is different. I know. I'm looking forward to it. One of us has got to read these papers. Yeah, I suppose. By the way, I'm not a Trump apologist. Okay, I was worried about that.

Well, I'm not a Putin apologist. I'm just a Trump apologist. OK, I was worried about that. Well, I'm not a Putin apologist. I'm just a fanboy. So Trump-Putin, is it? Trump-Putin? I believe so, yeah. Trumpetin? Trumpetin! It's the Trumpetin.

That's what you've read, that there's some Trumpetin next weekend. You've got mixed up. I knew we'd get to the bottom of it eventually. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 8, 12, 15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Well, having expressed an interest in potentially the most evil man on the planet, what are we going to talk about next? Well, I was wondering if Chris Packham qualifies as a friend of this show, because he gets a mention every now and again when he goes into the... I've worked with him, of course.

You've worked with them all. I'm surprised you haven't done something with Putin over the years. A bit of time. He's got the big meeting next week. Frank will be turning up. No, that's Trump. Yeah. You keep getting us mixed up. Trumpeting.

He did Room 101 and put in humankind was one of the things he wanted to put in. He wanted to put humankind, not humankindness. No. He's like Nietzsche or something. He's very existential. It was because of all the damage we've done to the planet oh yeah and we have

it's wear and tear isn't it been on it a long time yeah but he did the bit of an Oscar winner thing he used the light end platform for the series issue he did well he's said that birds and bees are now competing for space in those nesting boxes that people put out.

Are we at last talking about the birds and the bees on Breakfast Radio? We are. Well, it's overdue. I think we might have before in a more oblique way. Quite possibly. But yeah, they're apparently vying for space, as they would say in the article. Yeah, the bees just keep showing up and going, oh, we'll have this.

It's a classic case of we're having that. Taking over the bird's manor. So these are these wooden houses with the circular thing. Yeah, like a cuckoo clock, but without the clock bit. It is like a cuckoo clock. I've seen them. But now it's a bzzz, like it's just a hive, I guess, of bees. And if the bees arrive first, they ruin it for everyone.

They're sort of taking squatters right. I mean, imagine if you're a bird thinking, oh, this one of those little hens is just a job. Going inside where it's a bit murky and realising it's full of bees. Oh my God. And hearing

like a small wax door slam shot on the circular portal oh man i love the bird's response oh my god well i imagine bird normally i imagine a bird would have a bee in a you'd be in a tussle you think but not in the confines on the bees manor it's like don't take on a fish in the sea. No, but it's like getting in one night and there's a burglar in the house, isn't it? Yeah, I guess so. You get in, you know, and the lights

are still off and you realise that some of the next thing you know, you've been stung. When the bird approaches, do the bees control the noise? To frighten them? You think they're in there going, shh! I can't! I'm a bee. No, shh.

Keep it down. What is it that makes them... When they land, they don't buzz anymore, do they? No, I've seen them crawling on the ground and they're... I've seen them crawling on the ground on the weekends. They've all had a few. You don't hear a peep out of them on the ground at the weekends they've all had a few

you don't hear a peep out of them, the ground bees and then they get up in the air and there's no stopping them they do buzz then but what a horror that would be do you think they have a squabble outside the bird box where the birds are going look these are called bird boxes

they're for us but standing outside not like, not allowed in. Yeah. Maybe just hovering, doing that flapping thing. Yeah. With one small bee as a spokesperson standing at the circular, at the portal. Saying, no train, no train allowed.

Look, mate. Look, mate, I'm sorry, you know, first come, first served. The bee saying, you guys are massive, but you fly so quietly. We go, bzzz first come, first served. He's saying, you guys are massive, but you fly so quietly. We go, and we're tiny. Wouldn't it be great if birds, I've often thought this, wouldn't it be great if birds slept in the sky? Oh, do you know, that's one of your best conceits, yes.

Imagine going out, when you're out at night, and just looking up and you can see them there. Just imagine, I guess they'd be on like pockets of air in the sky. They're just sleeping. There must be some, you know we're going to get a reader texting saying I'm an expert in birds. Do any birds sleep in the sky?

I bet there's a bird of prey that has a little tower. They might get drowsy mid-flight. It's the avian equivalent of a horse sleeping standing up, isn't it? Yeah. A bird sleeping in the sky. I mean, you never see them drinking Red Bull or coffee on their long journeys.

They don't get the coffee alerts in Pullover now. I can't get on the bench. But it would be such a brilliant visual thing, the great clusters of sleeping birds. Let's say, what, let's say 700 or 800 feet in the air. It would be. Are you a bee or a bird fan? In this particular context. Whose side are you on is what I'm asking.

Well, I think the secret, I don't want to get all UKIP about it, but it is a bird house, that's what it says. It's not called a bee house. If it was a bee house, it would have a much smaller portal let's face it

so in this instance I'm with the birds Al? I'm not sure I'm struggling to decide this is what political correctness has done to public debate oh no I'm not politically correct

but I'm frightened to commit now in case somebody says oh well yeah can I just say controversially I'm bees really? I'm Bees. Really? I'm Team Bees. Bees gone rogue and I like it. Well, we'll

sort this out later. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Oh, never mind that. What about Flips, who's been in touch to tell us Swifts do sleep in the sky at very high altitudes. You are kidding me. That's

fantastic. Well, we have got that corroborated a little bit by 324 Jeff says Swifts sleep, eat and mate in the sky. They only land to lay eggs and raise chicks. Really? You've got to take some time out. And mate in the sky.

And mate in the sky? Mile high club? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I nearly went into an anecdote, but I'm leaving it. Filthy creeps in the sky. There's nowhere safe. No, no.

We've got to see that vista. Well, if Swift's mate in the sky... I told you, don't call me vista. Presumably they have the reverse if they go down to the ground. Oh, let's stay out of that. Let's not get into the minutiae. Do you know what? The sooner they leave

those bird boxes, the better. What, the bees? I'm just saying, I don't think bees would behave like that. I reckon the Swifts have a terra firma club where they go down to the ground. I bet they do, yeah. They come down and mate on the ground and then brag about to the ground. I bet they do, yeah. Yeah, they come down and mate on the ground and then brag about it for years. I've got magpies nesting at my house.

Have you? Is this a rap? I've got magpies nesting at my house. I've got magpies nesting at my house. I don't let them in, I don't send them out. I say magpies. No, it's not one of those. Are they, um, so are they in a bird box?

No, they've built their own thing. Who'd have thought that could happen? Wow. Because I thought traditionally, don't they? Oh, that's crooked. Is it still the nest? I think they steal small. What was it?

What? I think it's sort of brought some and jets them from the garden. Like a... Yeah. I've seen them. They've sort of brought some and jettisoned from the garden, like a... Yeah, I've seen them. They've been carrying sticks in and out for ages. It's like a raft being built. Anyway, I've got slightly anxious because I obviously grew up on the old one for sorrow,

two for joy, so I'm desperately worried they might split up. Oh, yeah, you don't want that. One of them gets the house. If one of them gets the house, my place is a chapel to bad luck. Yeah. And also, what about if they have five kids?

Then it's the part of the song I've never really got. Yeah. Seven for a secret never to be told. What am I supposed to do with that? Oh, I didn't know that part of the song. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told. But, I mean, who's secret?

I don't think people can tell you that. Well, also, that implies that's the best one, because it's going up, it's ascending, silver, then gold. I don't want a secret. No. I'll take the gold, thanks. Never to be told. It's a lot of responsibility.

Yeah. I mean... What if you just blurt it out at a bus stop or something? I didn't ask for it. Anyway. Yes. So Chris Packham says there's a battle being waged on our front lawns. Right.

That'll be the Swifts. Calm down. S&M community. Little leather cat. Swifts and magpies. That's what we call them. There's been, there's been a weird bee, I'm starting to wonder

if bees, if there's something happening in the bee community, because there's been lots of odd bee activity. There has. Bees go cray bee activity there has bees go cray yeah bees have got bees go cray they lose it is it to do with i don't know i'm getting a bit rappy bees go cray yeah bees go cray there's been a few instances where they've they've lost their minds they went mad in new york yeah and they've blocked off a whole road. Bees go mad in New York. Yeah, it's one of my favourites.

Born in America. They swarmed the car in Hull. Oh, that was weird. 20,000 of them. I mean, who counted that? Imagine that local reporter job. Can you go down to that car and count the bees? Well, if you got a rain man to be down there,

you'd have him counted in two seconds. He would have been perfect. And he could get there quickly because he, if you remember, is an excellent driver. He is. So he's the man,

you know, on the local press thing. Yeah. Obviously, you'd have to arrive by B roads, wouldn't you? I don't know.

I don't know what to say. Play music, maybe? Yeah, I'll do that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about magpies, Frank. Yeah.

Hi, Saturday team. I might leave this lady anonymous, just for her own good. You think? Yeah. OK. She says, it's been a year since I stopped saluting magpies. Previously, it has been an all-consuming and sometimes dangerous habit, especially when driving.

Anyway, I decided to stop doing it when I found out that my husband had been having an affair and wanted a divorce, and that the magpies had been close to useless. Proud that I'm now almost superstition free, and that was love, XXX. Well,

well done on that. And I think you did the right thing. You've been let down by, not only by him, but by the animal kingdom. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and also by the false... I suggested coal.

The false hope provided by superstition may be to blame as well, I think. Oh, well, you would bring that up. I once met an athlete who had tripped up in like an Olympics or a... Mary Decker. Mary Decker? No.

Oh, OK. And they were lying and looking at the sky having fallen over the hurdle. It was a triathlete or something. Yeah. And thought... And they saw two Swifts having sex. They thought all that superstition was for now, wasn't it?

And they were never superstitious again. I don't know if superstitious is supposed to be 100% effective. Even Homer nods. Even Homer nods. Let's ask Stevie Wonder. He was the authority. He knows all about it.

Was it superstition, Frank, or superstitious? We never did quite work that out, did we? All we know is that the writings on the war, not that helpful. No. But anyway. Not on the birds and bees, but some news just in.

599 has texted, howdy chaps, the castle bits are called crenellations. Crennellations? What did I call it? Castellation, I called it. I think so. Mine's better. Funny I've been there at the time.

Yeah. Too late now. So this woman in the hall, can I ask you some questions about this? Oh, the woman with the 20,000 bees on the car? Yes, but they were inside the car, were they not? Yeah. They were trying to lure the bees, the swarm, out of the car. But what I don't understand, I'm presuming that unlike the birdhouse,

she doesn't have a small, perpetually open door on the car. No. You don't see cars like that very often, where you don't have to open the door, you just get into a hole. I don't think I've ever seen one. Milk floats, however. Fred Flintstone, and that was it. What, mill boats?

Milk floats. Oh, milk floats. You know, they've got an open was it. What, mill boats? Milk floats. Oh, milk floats. You know, they've got an open door policy. Okay, but was it a milk float? No. So, how did they get in? Is it a suggestion that the bees broke into a car? I think they swarmed through the engine, do they not?

Hold it, can you do that? Well, I can't, I'm not a bee. But that suggests that the engine has got an open aperture inside the car. That can't be somewhere through an air duct or something. Hold your eye horses. It's like in Doctor Who when they go through the ventilation shaft. Very similar. Oh, yeah, it's just like that.

Oh, I've never seen it. I bet you've seen programmes where they do go to the ventilator it is a 60s and 70s TV trope Hello Shelley Winters climbs to the top of the Christmas tree and then through the ventilation shaft Can I ask you on the subject of that

of those cliched escape things is there a trap door in a lift if you got stuck in a lift is there a trapdoor in the ceiling? Well, if there is said trapdoor, can it open? Just like a waiter carrying a tray.

Just so gently. Yeah, exactly. They push it. That's it, they reach up like that. Wouldn't it be great if they did it and it actually had like a couple of camparis and some knots and maybe a cocktail. It would be ease.

I mean, one would imagine I'd have to get a man down with an alarm key. But they push it. Like the doors on the ventilation thing. They come off easy. And they're big, those ventilation shafts. You know, big enough for sometimes quite a muscular James Bond type. This is what happens.

It's a tiny building. And then there's a Pompidou Centre on the other side. Yeah, I know, it's complicated. These cars, I quote, have all kinds of recesses and the bees seem to have got into everyone they could find. I know, but how did they get into a locked car at

12.15? Yeah, but if you're a bee... Maybe she left her nectar card on the dashboard. Ha ha ha! Maybe if she left her nectar card on the dashboard. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. It strikes me that many of the newspapers now are moving towards the online rather than being in... Yes, in print. Yeah.

Does that mean that flying insects are on the verge of taking over the world? What do you mean? Because the rolled-up newspaper was absolutely essential in keeping down the numbers. You can't go swinging a laptop. It's going to get you nowhere. No. I think it's a side effect of newspapers going online

that no one's thought about. No one's dealing with the flies. Magazines are going online. What are you going to reach for when the wasp comes in? There's no fashion Bible to hand. Who are you going to call? Bee busters. Well, see, there's no such thing as that. Who are you going to call? Bee busters. Well, you see, there's no such thing as that.

I bet there is. Well, I mean, fly swats. Sounds like some sort of flat-chested women's society. Fly, how? Fly swats are a bit whatever happens. No, you've mentioned fly swats. Yeah, well, fly swats. I saw some in TK Maxx the other week.

Keeping it real. Yeah. I fly swats. I saw some in TK Maxx the other week. Keeping it real. Yeah. I did, yeah. Do you think, and I'm not pleased by this development in the world, before anybody complains, do you think these things have been phased out in favour of some kind of insect-killing aerosol spray? Do you think that's what's happened?

People don't need the newspaper, they just go, tsst, and it's gone. Yeah, but, you know, we're inhaling that, whereas when you're swinging... I don't know. I'm not saying it's better, I just think that's what's happening, maybe. Wow! Sorry. I went into my flat in Birmingham and it was infested. A pigeon had...

I'd been away for a week and a pigeon had died on the thing and the place was full of flies. OK. I spent, I'd say, a couple of hours with a rolled-up newspaper taking them on. I took them on.

Good for you. Now, if I'd have been spraying them, I think I'd have inhaled quite a lot of toxic stuff. You took the flies on? As it was, it was a pretty good upper-body workout. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but there's no jeopardy with the flies, Frank. Come on.

I was a shoulder the following day. That would have been inspiring. Well, no, but they carry probably more germs than your average. They're more gross as well. Yeah, exactly. Well, they're all over Anthea Turd. What about 097? Frank, maybe the bees were gorging themselves on the pollen filter.

How was that, Billy Rumble? No, it was not me. Oh, I didn't like that. Was that me? Yeah, I think it was you. I think it was Frank. That sounded like something closing inside me. Perhaps forever. You see, all the radio shows wouldn't mention that, would they?

No, it was like, honestly, that felt like part of my... Maybe it's the beginning of the big change at 61. How are you? It sounds like someone's using my left ventricle to escape from my heart. Is that what they were referring to? I didn't like that at all. It's the way you have no control over those sounds.

It's not like whistling. Evidently you don't. No. You didn't even know it had been you. No, I honestly was I was looking around to see who it was. You looked a bit

j'accuse in this area of the room. Hang on, if Frank doesn't think it was him it could have actually been any of us. We don't know. No, it 100 wasn't me.

Well, I mean, you know I'm 60. It was probably me. I think I'm like, you know, with breakfast cereals I think my'm like, you know, with breakfast cereals, I think my contents are settling. It's what it is.

Right. I think by the end of the week, the whole hopper part of my chest, that will be empty, and the lungs and the stomach will all be in a bit of a slithery pile at the bottom. It's all right. I like that that was the big change that the Japanese philosophers... They never told me that was going to be an implosion. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Do they die when they sting? Or is that a bit of an urban... One would like to think so. Is it an urban? I think that's an entrenched fact, isn't it? Yeah, I believe it is.

There's lots of things that's entrenched facts, aren't there? Ethel from EastEnders is getting your words wrong. A trenched fact. aren't they like you know Ethel from EastEnders getting your words wrong a trenched fax yeah

Ethel from EastEnders is a good reference there you go we'll see the one who used to say oh we leave no that was me oh yes

this will play well on Absolute Nightmares it's a recurring nightmare no do they die or is that just something that people say I might say it's a bit dramatic I think they do I think it's a fact now do they die or is that just something that people say I'm going to say it's a bit dramatic

I think they do I think it's a fact they are such drama queens bees drama queen bees but more interestingly I wonder if they know that they die

if they sting do you think they save it up well they must see their mates mustn't they they must and they must think

oh he's died what do you think they don't know they must though they must go like look I have to John he used that spiky thing and, he's died. What do you think, they don't know? They must, though. They must go like, look, I have to John. He used that spiky thing and now he's gone. No, but I was always brought up to believe that you were less likely to be stung by a bee

because they knew once they'd done it, that was that. If they don't know... The idea that they're wandering around weighing it up, whether it's worth it in their head. But it is, it's so melodramatic. Yes, I'll sting him, but of course that'll be it for me. I know. It is.

Calm down. Calm down? But it's not worth it, really. Do you think there's a Michael Winner bee going, calm down, dear. You've only got one sting. You think evolution would have taught them, someone would have realised by now, over the last few thousand years, that they shouldn't do that. Right. You'd think it would. that the trouble is if we lose the bees

I mean I'm sure we've all read about it if we lose the bees we lose a vast amount of the world's fruit no one's suggesting culling the bees so now when I'm being stung by a bee I'm not worried about the pain I'm worried about the knock on effect

on my fruit bowl I don't want to end up with just the big three when the bees go being stung by a bee, I'm not worried about the pain, I'm worried about the knock-on effect on my fruit bowl. I don't want to end up with just the big three when the bees go. You know, apple, orange, banana. You know, I told you I checked into a hotel and the bloke said, we'll put you a fruit bowl in the room.

I thought, lovely, got in there. Big three, that was it. Just the big three. I feel so disappointed in the big three. Oh, I mean, come on. Very poor rider, isn't it? We've had a lot of people have got these electronic swatters. Oh, yeah.

They seem popular. Oh, the tennis rackets, I got one of those, but I don't like the smell of burning. No. Well, someone says, my in-laws have an electric fly swatter that looks like a small tennis bat. Yeah, it does, but when you hit it you get a

because it's electrified. It's like hitting them with an electrified fence. And then you can smell burning bee. Yeah, I don't like the sound of that. No, we don't want that in our lives, do we? So Mark in Manchester says bees disembowel themselves when they sting. Fact. Oh, like... He's let himself down with

fact, but... Yeah. Like the old Japanese Harry Carey thing. And 628 says, My lover got stung in Verona recently, and I pulled the sting out. Who's it from? Othello? My lover got stung in Verona? A text from the 16th century.

Wow. That's very romantic. I feel like before we reply to this, we should always say, my liege, I hear your terrible news. Zoya. Yeah. News reaches me.

Yeah, I mean, I'm surprised that they're on the text, this lover in Verona. No, exactly. Late adopters or early adopters, can't work it out. The wasp thing, I always think of the wasps as the sort of tough guys and the bees as the creatives. Hang on, let's think about, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, bees hang around flowers and wasps hang around bins. Yeah. They're like top cat wasps. Yeah. They are, yeah. You know, they're a bit street. Wasps are the wrong side of the tracks, aren't they? They are,ps yeah they're a bit street

they're a bit Putin and I think they can sting with impunity can't they there's no death sentence on a sting well someone I can't point someone had asked if the queen bee was the only celebrity in the insect slash animal kingdom well not in the animal kingdom because obviously there's the starfish

oh lovely lady bird why is that aristocracy Animal Kingdom, because obviously there's the starfish. Oh, lovely. Lady Bird. Why is aristocracy? Well, Queen is the royalty, it's more than celebrity, Queen B. Good point. Starfish, I'll give you. What about starfruit?

Not in my fruit bowl. I'm afraid it was the Grand Trois. Would it be the Grand Trois, or would it be the Trois Grands? Never quite sure with that. 8.15. Yes, exactly. By the way, I hate to break this to you, but I'm going soon. You're off skier, aren't you?

He genuinely is going. He's leaving early today. I'm finding at my age three hours is just a bit too long. He's only doing it today. No, I am. He does other work during the week. He basically said to us, like we worked in a factory, will you cover my shift? I did.

Will you cover my shift? Actually, funny enough, I'm not even wearing one. But my son is playing Cowboy Joe in a play called Wild West. They haven't put a lot of thought into it, as you can tell. Sounds great, though. But full cowboy outfit. No guns. That's what the email said.

Oh. They're not allowed to. See, when I dread, I spent most of my young life in a cowboy suit. But I always had the old gun holster and all that. But, you know. Yeah. You know, you're cool saying nothing now, can you? Well, enjoy yourself there.

Enjoy yourself. I'm sorry to walk out. I feel bad. I feel I've let everyone down. To continue the cowboy theme, we'll hold the reins. Yeah? Yeah, Al. Get out some of those American box sets.

Yeah. And some carbohydrates. Like you'd eat carbohydrates. Anyway, so I'm going to say goodbye I'm not going to call for the feathers because the show's not over I'm hoping that you will call for the feathers I'll call for the feathers once I've texted my lover

in Verona exactly but yeah I'm sorry to leave you in the lurch as I once said to Mr Adams from the Adams family at this very heavy party we went to. But I'm going to watch Cowboy Joe in action.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show, but Frank's left. I mean, not for good. He's just left temporarily. I'm Emily Dean. Well, you know that because I was here five minutes ago. I'm still here with Alan Cochran. So if you're a fan of the Birmingham accent, I'm really sorry because he's gone. But if you're a fan of the Merfield or North London accent, great news. I don't think people are tuning in just for Frank's accent, but I love the low status that we're bringing to the last hour of this show. Oh, please,

will it be alright if we talk like this? Is that low status enough for you? You can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Although we all know no one does that. Oh, well. Al, what's going on?

Well, we have had a bit of... We've been running bee and bird news. Birds and the bees news. I know. I love that we're doing late review. Birds and the bees. We've just had a text from Mark in Manchester. Bees disembowel themselves when they sting.

Fact. You're welcome. Oh, my goodness. I think that's a fact that Frank would really like, and now he's gone. That'll teach him. We've also had... Do you remember we just had a link where... what I would like to call the Othello link from now on.

I love the Othello link. If you weren't listening, I'd feel bad for you, son. Yeah, you missed out. Because it was a brilliant moment where someone had texted, what did they say, Al? They said they had a lover in Verona or something like that. And that person has texted again saying, 628 it is, she's my Italian lover.

How else should I describe her? Well, that's fair enough. I mean, you could say partner. Good point. But I'd quite like maybe bring back lover. It's a bit French, isn't it? It's a bit old school. Also, you mooted the idea that the queen bee was the most celeb animal or insect.

100%. Well, I still think the starfish is up there. And 175 said the kingfisher is the boss, though. Good point. We forgot the kingfisher. I love the kingfisher. 649 has also said, don't forget the kingfisher. I love the kingfisher. 649 has also said, don't forget the kingfisher.

I like don't forget the kingfisher. It's a general rule in life. And on Birds and Bee News, we were gathering facts about them. Yeah. And John from West Drayton 957 has said, now, can a dead wasp still sting? That is a good question because that's one of those urban myths. What do you mean, what the sting remains? Is that an urban myth

is it? I think so, yeah. If they just happen to, you know, if they perish. If a wasp just, you know, gets old, it's just lying there and you try and tidy it up, I think the thing is you can get a sting. But is it beyond the grave like zombies? They come back to haunt you

it's like Carrie. I think it's exactly like that. It's like when they reach out from the grave one last sting. come back to haunt you. It's like Carrie. I think it's exactly like that. It's like when they reach out from the grave. One last sting. Indeed. Very similar to that. If a dead wasp can still sting, let us know on 8.12.15. That's what we're discussing this morning. I've got to say, I mean, we were talking earlier. Frank was a fan of the birds.

I was a fan of the bees. You were sitting on the fence. No, I prefer to say middle ground. Okay, you were on the middle ground. There's no middle in politics anymore, is there? See, you're either extreme right or extreme left. You've gone to politics? I thought you were talking about birds and bees.

I just think there's some comfort in the middle for me. OK, but I was a bees fan. Yeah. Because I like that they're sort of, you know, they're getting a bit, they would be described in Love Island as aggy. They're getting a bit aggy, the bees. Yeah, their scene's really buzzing yeah thank you thank you and they're quite glamorous they're in new york well oh bright colors yeah lovely colors some bright colors making a bit of noise yeah you know they're there i'll tell you what we need to talk about this

morning as well birds and bees now we've done the birds and bees, Al. I've got the fares already. Oh, okay. We'll come back to something. Can I tell you what I would like to come back to? Henry VIII. No, close. You don't want me to guess. Close. Tim Westwood. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. You want to talk about Tim Westwood, but before we do, I didn't realise that we'd lit up the switchboard quite as much as we have with birds and the bees info. People like old school stuff like birds and the bees. 358, Richie from Newark, has said, the venom sac at the end of a wasp sting keeps pulsing for a short period after a wasp dies.

So if you come in contact with the sting, you may still be injected with venom. Can I just say, there's nothing that's not disgusting about that text. The venom sack, Al. Good info, though. Good info. Well, is it? I mean, when is the venom sack going to come in useful for us? 929 has texted, do bees really fly in a bee line? If so, when and why? Which I think is also a good question.

And 628 again is the man with the or possibly man, I think man with the lover in Verona. Oh, the one that Frank said texted from the 16th century. Yes, has now added, intriguingly she's not my partner, she's married. We are lovers.

Shut up. He probably does have to shut up quite a lot actually in that scenario. Loose ships, as they say. So they're having an affair? I think that's the word, yeah. Well, no one knows, except now that we've

told everyone. They are having an affair. Everyone, neighbours, they're having an affair, these two people. Yeah. Wow, blow me down with a venom sack. I can't actually believe it, Al. I mean, I don't know them. It's what they call a bit of goss.

It's definitely a bit of goss. I'm really excited and i'm really pleased for you that you got to break the news i saw a tweet from someone called lee foster on my personal page oh yeah emperor penguin hashtag celebrity animals oh yeah where do you stand on penguins um that's that's a big celeb i think if he's an emperor and i mean the penguins make it he if they're an emperor well they make it so hard for the rest. They're so endearing, they walk funny, they're comedy. But also they've got the dignity of being the emperor of the whole,

you know, they've got it all going on, haven't they? They've got dignity. Big nose, but, you know, you can't win them all. They're always ready to go to, like, a banquet or something. They're constantly in the penguin suit. They've always got 24-7 black tie. Yeah, yeah. That's what they're wearing.

Anyway, can we talk... I'm still reading from the affair news. Yeah, you've lost track of Westwood, haven't you? What is it that you want to discuss about Westwood? I know. I mean, I already know because I've seen the media. Have you seen? Not only have I seen the media,

I've seen his socials. Seen the social media. I'm not on Snapchat. I don't understand it. No. Well, that's. I don't understand it. No. Well, that's because you don't have a hear ye, hear ye affair. He made a mistake, didn't he?

He got into a little bit of trouble. Frank Spencer meets Westwood there. He's done a little whoopsie, hasn't he, on the Snapchat. Not what you think. He screenshot... No, he took a photograph and put it up on Snapchat of his... Why did you abandon the youth vernacular then?

It was going well with screenshot. Oh, was it? Oh, OK. Screen grabbed. Oh, he screen grabbed. I got self-conscious. But he then put it up on the old Snapchat. Yeah.

And it said... It was meant for a lover, let's be honest. It was meant for a lover in verona saying um baby looking forward to taking you to dinner on thursday i appreciate you may want to get nails hair and wax done can we just pause and let that sink in i appreciate you may want to get hair nails and wax done okay as you are even some new shoes or a clutch bag i personally think that should have a question mark there, but let's not get too...

I get annoyed by the ceasing use of question marks. OK. They've been replaced by full stop. That's not what annoys me about this text, but anyway. Use my card. It's black with private banking, so there's no limits. Brackets. But don't be buying a car.

Don't be buying a new car, lol. OK. Which stands for laugh out loud. Well, yeah yeah i think he thinks like david cameron it stands for lots of love so i don't know really quite where to begin what happened as you say as yet tim westwood had put this up on snapchat and he meant to send it to his date his lover yes and unfortunately it was published and everyone saw it to the you know probably thousands of people on Snapchat at that moment.

Am I right in thinking that Snapchat stops? Like you put it up there and then it disappears but some people screen grabbed it and then shared it. Yes, but you get notified if something's screen grabbed. But actually what happened, the producer, Frank said to the producer last week, aren't you a bit old for Snapchat? Well, if you are, Westwood really is,

because he's in his 60s officially, isn't he? He's in his 60s, yeah. Some say he might even be a little bit older, maybe. Right, so 60s is his Wikipedia age, probably. I mean, I don't know what the real age is. I'm just saying, Telegram, maybe you can say. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Rating. Hi Al. Hello. We were discussing Westwood. Oh yes. You said there was a lot to go at from that text. Well. Well not the text, the Snapchat script.

I mean, if anyone's not familiar with the work of Westwood, I'd say he's a sort of 60-year-old man. That's fair enough. I believe he is 60. And he's a bit G, isn't he? He's a bit gangster. He's famous for not really talking like you would expect a 60-year-old man to talk like. So I did hear someone say once they thought it was an elaborate hoax,

like Joachim Phoenix, and he just made this up. Is it Joachim or Joachim? Joachim. OK. Joachim, we with Joachim? I think so. But I read an interview with Tim Westwood recently, and even when he was ordering waffles, his waffles arrived and he exclaimed,

smash that! He sounds all right. I also read that his father was a bishop, which is a whole other thing. But then he said this. Only ever moved diagonally, his father. Oh, lovely, Al. Hashtag chess joke. I love that.

I love a chess joke. We do a lot on the show. We've got the night. Did I have a night's move earlier, by the way? You did, actually. Okay, thank you for the night's move. Thanks for your interest at this time. We will keep your request on file when it becomes relevant.

So he said, this is what Westwood said in this interview, Al. Can I do an accent for Westwood? Yeah? How does everyone feel? Yeah, okay. That's a yes for me. If I'm hanging out with the guys, my jeans might be low. I might be swearing, talking crazy. If I'm hanging out with the guys, my jeans might be low. I might be swearing, talking crazy. If I'm with my mum, I pull my jeans up. I don't swear out of respect for the situation.

But it's still me, brother. When I'm with the guys, I'm still Westwood. When I'm with my mum, I'm still Westwood. Your mum? You're 60. Yeah. You're talking about respect for your mum and not having your jeans hanging down.

If your jeans are hanging down, that's because you need the toilet at that age I mean he's got a freedom pass seriously I mean I find the low jeans thing frustrating on people that are 16 let alone 60 yeah

it's not a way to move I do think Al in relation to this text which obviously I want to analyse I do think Al in relation to this text which obviously I want to analyse forensically so baby looking forward to taking you to dinner on Thursday etc I could write a 2000 word essay on my feelings about this

in fact that would have been my university dissertation feel free to articulate it on the radio instead the westward snapchat but firstly baby so can't remember her name you think? The Westwood Snapchat. But firstly, Baby. So can't remember her name. You think? Yeah, he's got a few knocking around, Westwood.

Surely he's got that in his phone, her actual name. I don't know. They can't all just be filed under Baby. That would be too many. What about Baby 1, 2 and 3? Maybe. I think you may want to, I appreciate you may want to get nails, hair and wax. What that is saying is get your waxing done.

Get tidied up to come to dinner with me. That's what that, I think that's. I like a clean work surface. That's what that's saying. Yeah. And I tell you what I don't like about that. He didn't mean eyebrows. You don't think?

No. Or up a lip. You know we're on the radio, don't you? I'm just terrified. That's okay, isn't it? Yeah, I think so.. OK. You know we're on the radio, don't you? I'm just terrified. That's OK, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. We're being oblique. Is that OK?

Yeah. But he's offering... We're using euphemisms here. He's offering to pay it as well, which I suppose is, you know, if that's his taste, then, you know, he should fork out. I don't care if he's offering to pay. I'm not having a man saying, I appreciate you may want to get a wax done.

I mean, presumptuous, moi I appreciate, you may want to get a wax done. I mean, presumptuous, moi. Don't you think that is? Well, he said, I appreciate, you may.

Like, there's the caveat, you might not. So you're a Westwood apologist? No, not at all. Oh my, OMG.

Smash that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, Tim Westwood did put this thing up, and he did have a lot of people

trying to use his bank details to buy Louis Vuitton bags for £4,700 each. Someone tried to buy five Louis Vuitton bags. Yeah, I mean, just one bag for life could have covered that, for loads less. Save Tim Westwood a bit of cash. I think there might be a little bit of

accidental humblebrag thing here, is it? I think he was just doing it to go, hey, everyone, I've got private banking with an unlimited amount. And maybe there's a bit of me that, you know, I'm hashtag frugal, apparently. You are hashtag frugal. But there's a bit of me that thinks, if he's been in the public eye for, what, 20 years, he's probably made a few quid. 70

years. Why is he even bothering with a credit card? Why isn't he just sending her a photograph of a debit card that he's got a really healthy credit in? Like, if he says my bank balance is strong, get yourself a new dress or whatever yeah like i don't see why he needs to use the credit card is this a really point no you're absolutely right he should be using the debit where's your cash you're having to buy things i know it's not

cool like nobody likes the idea of going oh here's my debit card you don't hear debit cards referenced in rap songs that often, do you? True, true. My car, my crib, my HSBC debit visa. But in his defence, he said, I've had all these women holler at me on Instagram, wanting me to be their sugar daddy. And he said, they're saying, pay five grand into my account every month,

I'll see you every week and I'll use that money to look good for you. And he then added, I do not want that. I do not want a kept woman. I'll see you every week and I'll use that money to look good for you. And he then added, I do not want that. I do not want a kept woman. I don't believe in that. So just to give him his... He doesn't want a kept woman. He doesn't want a kept woman. He wants a woman

that may want to spend his money on a wax and a handbag, but not a car. Yeah. I mean, I would say the more... Also, Al, the more gangster thing... I will return to a kept woman gate. Yeah., the more gangster thing, I will return to Ketwomangate,

but the more gangster thing is surely to be rolling on the bed with the dollar bills. That is quite gangster. Or the golden pound coin, whatever takes your fancy. Not details of my HSBC card. That's not very gangster, is it? This is all going to change when Bitcoin and cryptocurrency go massive. You can't roll on the bed on Bitcoin because it's just in the ether, isn't it?

You may want to get nails here and waxed on. Here's my Bitcoin. I mean, if there's any doubt that he respects women, here's a sentence from the article that I've seen. The former Pimp My Ride UK host is adamant he respects women and is more than happy to split the bill if they want to pay. Oh, that's nice of him. Awesome. He's backant he respects women and is more than happy to split the bill if they want to pay. Oh, that's nice of him. Awesome.

He's back in the building. My favourite kind of feminist. Tells me to get my wax done, but expects me to pay. Happy to share the bill if they want to pay. The worst of all was. I think he's probably, you know you hear things about him, and he is meant to be a really nice man. I think he's lovely.

But I just think he's got a bit stuck in a moment. If you know what I mean, as you two once said. Yeah. Where he's, I think it's time to move on now. Right. Pull the jeans up. Pull the jeans up, Al. Which is a modern interpretation on pull your socks up.

Back when socks were the problem before jeans. And I don't think there's anything wrong with dating in your 60s. I think it's lovely, but I think to be saying you may want to get nails, hair and wax done. Yeah. I mean, at that age, you're grateful if they arrive without a zimmer on you.

Yeah, just show up. Come on. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Did you see any of Glasto, Hal? I saw a little bit of Radiohead last week on the old telly. Oh, yeah. And they played loads of OK Computer, which is an album I really like. Yeah, big with the nerds, that one.

It's a definite biggie, isn't it? I mean, I'm not big with the nerds, but that album is. Oh, I am. Yeah. I like having Glass Stowe on in the background as a reminder of why I'm not there. Oh, right. I make a point of really spending a lot of time

in the nice panelled bathroom with the new tiles. Right, lovely. I luxuriate in my toilet-ness. Uh-huh. And I also think I'm glad I haven't got facial glitter on and I'm not on someone's shoulders. I don't think you should do either of those things over the age of 10. Where do you stand?

20. I mean, I recently had glitter on my face at a wedding. I went to a wedding where there was a glitter station for people to get photographed. Quite niche. It was sort of a festively themed wedding and everyone went you won't put glitter on alan and i went yeah i'm really glad you all know me so well i'm not putting glitter on 10 minutes later glitter all over my

face had you had a i mean you don't drink these days i didn't have a drink i just succumbed to peer pressure and then i started to feel a bit like truculent and going yeah all right there guys i'll show you you all think i'm not going to put glitter on and then I started to feel a bit, like, truculent, and going, all right there, guys, I'll show you. You all think I'm not going to put glitter on. And so they got what they wanted. I think it was a weird double bluff on behalf of my friends. I hope you were intentionally very dour, dour northern man in glitter.

Well, actually, I'll tell you a strange thing. There was also a sort of a dressy-up photo station where there was, like, feather bowers and a bit of costume. I would have been there. Scissor Sisters Station, I'm calling that. calling that yes very like that and me and about seven friends and partners and all that stuff we were all getting our photograph taken somebody handed me somebody handed me like a tiger face mask so i put the tiger face mask on posed for loads of photographs with my friends took the face mask off and realised that my face was really sore

and I realised that I'd been grinning behind a mask for the whole time to be in photographs. People were going, say cheese, and I was like... Which is mystifying to me, given that I barely smile during the rest of a typical day. I'm out for that. I had face ache from grinning behind a photograph. I thought it was the cheapness of the tiger mask.

No, no, not at all. It was me thinking I'll make an effort for the photograph, forgetting that I look like a tiger. You didn't need to because you had the tiger. I didn't need to at all. I could have just kept my usual dour... Did the tiger mask... Sorry to get forensic, but masks matter to me.

Did the elastic... Was it tied like three times on either side? Little bobbles? I hate that. No, it was quite a times on either side, little bobbles? No, it was quite a good elastic. Oh, OK. But you're right, the man behind the mask turns out is a grinning idiot. That's what I am. Who knew that about me? So how long did the tiger mask stay on for?

Oh, I don't know, maybe five, ten minutes. Did you keep it? I've got a stopwatch, but I didn't use it on that particular moment. Any plans to incorporate it into other areas of your life? God, no. I'm not going to a mask ball, if that's what you're asking to incorporate it into other areas of your life? God, no. I'm not going to unmask Ball, if that's what you're asking. I've got other stuff to do with my time. I just wandered out, went down at home.

We've had a little bit more bee news in. Never mind disembowelling while stinging, male bees die during coitus from genital explosion. Oh, my. What? Probably not the note that we wanted to finish the show on, but there it is. Now you break it to me?

Yeah. I'm in shock. Can you imagine how the bees are feeling? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Glastonbury. Glastonbury. I've never been.

I've never been. You've never been. Probably not going now. I know it's not good to rule things out. It's a bit negative, but I'm probably not going. Really? Do you think the window's closed on your Glastonbury? Yeah.

I'm at a different time of life, I think. But you get those middle-class Glastos, don't you? You get sort of Alan Yentob in a yurt. Yentob's yurt. But you do. You do quite a few of them. You've got Victoria Beckham helicoptering there and then getting angry that there's no one to meet her and hang out.

I saw that. I was thinking that's a snapshot into my life, quite often eating takeaway under a lamppost alone, waiting to go into a gig or something. She's surrounded by minders and minions, I guess. Well, do you think that's what it is? Because I read this, she was upset because she was abandoned in the VIP area. Do you think she's got abandonment issues?

Yeah, I do. She was abandoned by her husband and son. And I presume maybe at that level, you can sort of buy company to a degree. I'm not suggesting she's paying for her family to be with her. No. But in a sense, she is. She's bringing in the money.

So it's almost like then the panic, I suppose, you feel panic stricken. I suppose it's this classic entourage thing, isn't it? If she's got an entourage she feels like this is a safe space.

If there's no one around she's like, well, what am I meant to do? Check my emails on my phone. Well, what I liked is that I bet that's what she did. After this alleged row, Brooklyn,

the son, dealt with this. And someone said that he'd said don't worry dad, I'll get you a drink and he went off and got him a gin and tonic a double gin and tonic did he get him a double? apparently

I don't know how he did that though because he's underage is he? isn't he Brooklyn? how old is Brooklyn? I don't know we've got boffins in white coats behind the scenes working on this

he's been pilloried this week for his photographs. You know, he's got a photo album out. Well, we should say a photo album. He's released a photo album. He's released a book and it's called What I See. Yeah. It's called What I See. Brackets in it.

Close brackets. That bit's silent. What I See, brackets, it's well good. Yeah, yeah. What I see, Brackett, is well good. Yeah, yeah. What I see, I tell you, the reason that people have been somewhat disparaging is that you open it and there is a photograph of an elephant in silhouette. And he says, so hard to photograph, incredible to see. Yeah, I think a lot of people are thinking elephant's not so hard to photograph.

They're not that hard to photograph. You just have to turn the lights on. They're massive. They're quite big. I mean, it's not like so hard to photo. They're not that hard to photo. We just have to turn the lights on. They're massive. They're quite big. I mean, it's not like so hard to see. He also, when he says, a lot of people have been sort of defending him and saying, well, look, he's just, you know, this is an access to his world and what's around him.

But it happened again. There was another photo of a dinner party. It's all out of focus. He says in the caption, it's out of focus, but you can tell there's a lot going on. I like that. Again, what I see dot dot dot but you can't.

I mean why doesn't he just call the book Soz you had to be there. It's essentially what he's saying. I like it. I sort of feel sorry for him in a way because like the Beckhams as parents they have to say these are good photos because like it. I sort of feel sorry for him in a way. Because the Beckhams as parents, they have to say, these are good photos.

Because it's basically like a kind of a bit more grown-up version of me looking at kids' photos and going, yeah, yeah, that looks like a tree. Even though it's just a brown splurge with some glitter on it. Yeah, you say it's a tree, do you? Okay, we'll put it on the freezer. Let's put it up with a magnet on the fridge freezer. And they're basically doing a version of that to a young man. Like, no, that's on the freezer. Let's put it up with a magnet on the fridge freezer. And they're basically doing

a version of that to a young man. No, that's a really good photo of an elephant. Why don't we put it in a book? Come on, what I see. Heaven's sake, man. It's been lovely being with you today. I've enjoyed the last hour. I've enjoyed it all.

I've enjoyed it all. I mean, what a way to spend a Saturday. Never mind what I see. What about what I do enjoyed it all I've enjoyed it all I mean what a way to spend a Saturday never mind what I see what about what I do that's going to be my book exactly thank you so much for joining us this morning

bring on the feathers you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio want your Frank fix a little sooner listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio

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