The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Biro's

Episode Date: July 18, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank got one of his biggest laughs ever and banged on his mother-in-law's door in the middle of the night. The team discuss the One Direction daddy, El Chapo's escape and a bold squirrel.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Because summer is too good for just salad. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on this occasion. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Don't talk through my professional bit. Well, don't suggest we're going to get sacked imminently. I never said that. You did, you said on this occasion. Well, none of us know. It's like my current wife. None of us knows.

And I won't talk through. Okay. Yes, you will. We've had an email, actually, that I thought we could start with, if you're interested. Oh, yeah. It's entitled, Frank's Bags. I hope this isn't stuff about my days on tour. No.

Okay. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, according to Richard Herring's blog TV and radio comedian Richard Herring, I guess that means during the recording of Frank's Radio 4 history show on Wednesday night. I can mention rival stations. Well he does other

stuff anyway. We can mention Radio 4 surely. It's fine, we can do that Frank. Now you've mentioned it again. Pardon? I'm going to go one more time. I think it's fine. Because I like her... You have fingers in a lot of pies, Frank. During the recording of Frank's Radio 4 history show on Wednesday night,

Frank refused to leave his bags in the dressing room and took them on stage with him, citing the example of Nina Simone, who apparently used to take her groceries on stage with her. Is this true? If so, what prompted this curious affectation? I feel the readers would like to know. I like affectation.

No, I was speaking to Roland Rivron a few years ago. You know, the comedian and the former winner of Let's Dance for Comic Relief. And he was a drummer and he played at Ronnie Scott's with Nina Simone. You know Nina Simone. You know Nina Simone, my baby just goes. Yeah. My baby just goes. Woo!

She's got me! I'm not sure I'd sum up her career quite in that way. That was a live. That was a live. You know that live version? Not that one, no. Anyway, so, and she used to take her bags on stage with her because she thought they'd get nicked. And then one night she turned up with about five bags of grocery

from a well-known supermarket. That was all under the piano all night. Brilliant. One of the first pieces of advice I ever got in this job was an American comic said to me, always take your wallet on stage. Really? Yeah.

I can't do that. I like having empty pockets to do stuff. So you're leaving your desk in there. That's what we call you, empty pockets. Empty pockets. Behind your back. So did you take all your bags on stage then? Well, it was only one bag and a ukulele.

Oh, your autobiography. Exactly. So, yes, it is true. And I think that's the first Nina Simone anecdote since midnight on Absolute Radio. Since midnight. Yeah. But there may be more.

If anyone's got any Nina Simone anecdotes. Well, that could be an interesting text thing. Yeah? Couldn't it? The name is just gas. Well, that could have been interesting texting. Yeah? Couldn't it?

Let me be just gas. I'm only looking at me. Nina, you're all right. I'm fine. I'm fine. Leave me alone. Unexpected item in baggage. Nina Simone is actually standing on the scanning screen.

So, OK, anything else? Yeah, there's another email that I like. Inventive idea for an everyday problem is its title. I recently took my two-year-old grandson, Dylan, to the beach with a friend and I remember to put sun cream on all my exposed areas, namely my arms and legs, with of course liberal frequent applications of sun cream to my grandson. I'm responsible with children. Responsible with children sounds like a signature, doesn't it, on a letter. We'd been on the beach for most of the day and it was about three in the afternoon when a burning sensation between my shoulder blades alerted me that there was an area I'd missed.

That night and all the next day, the pain was incredible. My sunburn looked like a purple-red scald and I was in agony. As I live alone, there was no-one I could ask to put cream on my back and I didn't realise what short arms I had. I couldn't reach to apply Sudocrem. After sun, I felt would do little, I thought, to alleviate the pain from my third degree burn.

I looked like how I imagine a Tyrannosaurus Rex might do if it had sunburn and access to Pseudocrem. It was then that I had an idea. I dug out a foam radiator roller from under the sink, applied Pseudocrem to it. A foam radiator roller? You know, like you would paint behind the radiator with a little device. I know that.

I don't know that. Applied pseudochrome... Paint behind the radiator? What kind of foolishness is that? That's what they do. You've probably got a staff for that part of your life, yeah? No, we just don't have radiators. I applied pseudochrome to it and rolled my back.

It was bliss. Feel free to pass this on to other singles with sunburn in a hard-to-reach place. You're welcome. Well, we would pass it on, but I just feel it's a technique that will be abused. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a little tip here from someone called McTeach. Hashtag singles tip for sun cream. We've had a little tip here from someone called McTeach. Hashtag singles tip for sun cream. McTeach sounds like if The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie was written now, that's what it would be called, if it was a sort of e-book. Well, this is hashtag singles tip. Put the sun cream on the back of your hand and you can access all of your back. Is that right?

It's a bit like getting a claw. on the back of your hand and you can access all of your back. Is that right? So you can reach more of... It's a bit like getting a claw. You can reach more of your back with the back of your hand than with the front of your hand. Interesting. There you go. Thanks for the teach.

I'll have to try... Oh, what is that? Oh, I can't stop. It's the back of my hand. You'd think I'd know it better. And Danny Harris has said, read the paint roller tip. I believe bodybuilders use this trick

for oil creosote solution is that a joke no but he's referring to it as creosote but that is what they do that sounds fun yeah isn't it i i've got a couple of rolls of anaglypti i put our role used to be i'm not totally sure what it was My brother was a decorator and he always used to say, I need a couple of rolls of anaglyptor. So I think it was a character in Terrorhawks. Was Arturia a decorator? This is Keith. Oh, Keith.

Keith was a decorator, yeah. Sorry. He had the old, you know the classic transistor radio with paint drips? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. The badge of the painter and decorator. Indeed. Yeah, so I think it's wallpaper with raised sections.

Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. A relief. Nice. With the pattern in relief. There you go. If anyone knows what anaglypter is and they want to help me out,

I think it's going all right. And know a bit about painting right let me tell you something that happened to me i i opened um an arts fair in uh in north london yes uh the hamstead arts fair and they said to me um would you mind doing a painting? I said, well, I haven't done a painting since school. Can I say, was it one of those things where they said, well, you opened the art fair, and then you found yourself doing 185 different things? It was a bit like that, but it was all for a good cause. So I said, yeah, I'll do a painting.

So I turned up, and, you know, I love a bit of art. Generally, I'm not like the Queen. The Queen who mocked that blue horse. Hank. Yes. The Queen, of course, it's all come out. I warned you about the Queen. The other week she mocked a painting that someone gave

because the horse was blue in a real old fashioned area art should be so realistic now we've got a picture of her doing a Nazi salute on the front of the newspapers was I right or was I wrong? I'm not sure the two events were entirely connected

well she kept that painting as they kept so many paintings so you know anyway so i went and i did my uh painting and as you can imagine it was extremely poor but you know i gave it my best shot and i had a lady from hamstead art school telling you know giving me help uh you know saying you know you'd be good if you did a bit of this and a bit of that but anyway i painted it and um it was, as you'd have guessed, if someone hadn't done a painting since school.

Then I saw that this event was covered in the local free newspaper, the Camden Journal. They had a picture of me on the cover doing my painting. On the cover? Yeah. He means front page. Yes, the my painting. On the cover? Yeah. He means front page. Yes, the front page. And I thought, well, you know, it's a good thing,

because although, you know, I can't paint, it's nice that that's the whole point of something like Hampson Arts, for that everyone can have a go. You know what I mean? It's not about... And then I realised they had photoshopped in a better painting of a blue horse

it was the same scene but just a much better painting can you believe that that's nice of them it's not nice of them they spared your blushes Frank I have been so happy are you kidding me

of course everyone thinks you're a much better artist than you actually are I spared your blushes, Frank. Why have you been so happy? Are you kidding me? Of course. It's a deceit. Everyone thinks you're a much better artist than you actually are. Oh, but all those people I've said, no, I don't paint, they think, oh, well, that was a lie. Look at that fabulous thing you did on the front of the camera. I don't think now they'll be looking back on it and thinking, oh, Frank and his false modesty, if they know you.

But I'm part of a deceit that I played, you know, I didn't agree to. Well, it's like when Stephen Fry says, oh, I don't know the answer. Was it possibly Socrates? It's that sort of thing, isn't it? Well, I didn't have an earpiece, if that's what you're suggesting. No, but it was... Anyway, I don't want to make a big fuss, because I've got seven or eight quite well-paid commissions on the strength of it.

I'm painting Benedict Cumberbatch naked this afternoon. Oh, right. He has no idea I can't paint. He's standing up naked, but he's got one of those 1960s ashtrays on a stand. Oh, I love those. I've got one of those in front of him for modesty. My idea. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, um, I, my, um, I was on tour last year, you may recall. I think it's alright to plug it now. It's over. Oh, yeah.

And, uh, the film of, uh, of me doing, uh, that, or a shortened version, was on BBC One last Friday. Oh, I watched it. I saw some of it. Yeah. And I received an email this week from Ben Wilshire, the comic artist. Ben...

Comic book artist. Oh, yeah. Yeah, comic, yeah, I think. Comic book artist. Oh, you're a comic book artist oh yeah yeah comic yeah yeah comic book oh you're a comic slash artist now well yes that's true but there's no no oblique in this there's no slash in you i prefer oblique to slash oh okay because slash well anyway but oblique is, I think that was what they used to be called, those diagonal sticks. So anyway, Ben sent me an email saying that his dad, who was in hospital, had been watching that gig.

Yes. And there's a bit towards the end which is it gets a bit rude towards the end I actually find that bit unbearable yes me too what was I thinking of anyway there's a story about one of those you know those very low to the ground

trolleys that mechanics wear so anyway whilst watching that apparently he laughed so much that he had stitches in his side from an operation. You know when people say I split my sides laughing? He actually did burst all his stitches and started bleeding. You must be so proud.

Well, I said to him, when I read the email, I said it triggered a mix of concern, pride and laughter, if only they'd been in that order. Frank, you can say stitch-burstingly funny. Yes, I could say that. I've noticed it proves my point. You can try and get more sophisticated, but people just want the dirty stuff. Yeah.

I don't. I don't think the haiku section has put anyone in mortal danger. No. My boyfriend liked that. I mean, what if he'd watched a gig of me, you know, when I was at my best? It killed him. So, um...

Why do you put yourself down like that? Well, because... You've done so... You did so well with that little show. Thank you so much, darling. Anyway, my quote of the year so far was that Ben actually wrote, with no irony, no hard feelings for nearly killing my father, which is not something you often hear, is it?

I suppose it's the sort of thing that people who work in the medical profession get all the time, but it was a new one on me, so I was... It did make me wonder that maybe the government's right. Maybe there shouldn't be light entertainment on the BBC. It's dangerous. Poor old BBC. I bet they're hoping for a really bad winter, aren't they? Save a few quid on those licences for the other 75s.

This is one of my choices, though, and I write notes in my book for my choices, so I thought I'd let you know what I wrote about this one. It's called, I can't explain it, my note to myself was, Beach Boys in a Homeless Hostel. Frank? Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. we have a mystery what do you call it fly tipping when people put stuff rubbish in place yeah well I'm getting it it's awful there was a wardrobe leather armchair it was like the Jack Duckworth's living room outside my house.

Really? Yeah, I had a massive go at them. That's not all right, this weather, isn't it? I think I might have sat out there. Couple of drinks in the wardrobe. I've got my beer in the wardrobe here. So what have you done? What's happened?

Well, I went to put some recycling in the bin. That's the kind of character I am. And there was a vacuum cleaner in there. Henry? No, not a Henry. That would have been too upsetting, that grinning face coming out of there. But no, it was just, it was one of those,

I don't know what the technical term is, but not an old pride. Like a dust buster. Maybe. And so that was, I thought, oh, that must be, you know, Kath or the mother-in-law put it in the recycling thing. The idiot, I thought. But I thought, you know, I don't want to interfere.

And then there was a bag of rubbish, which is supposed to be in the bin, was just on the floor. And I thought, I mean, come on, was what I actually thought. But anyway, so it turned out that some mystery person... What? ..has been... must be somebody very neat. Who would do that? David Baddiel. Do you think?

Yeah, save on the bills. I don't think... I think it'd be on eBay if it was David Baddiel. Do you think? Yeah, save on the bills. I think it'd be on eBay if it was David Baddiel. He's in the line of suspicion, isn't he? Well, he's the other end of the road. I don't know if he'd walk that far to do it. Oh, OK. But somebody in my road is thinking, well, I don't want this to be my problem anymore.

I want it to be someone else's problem. So they're moving it through all bins? Yeah. How far apart are these houses? Well, I don't know. If I knew how far apart, I'd know who's doing it. No, I mean, your houses. I don't know your street. Well, I'm, we were joined on one side and then separate on the other. Ah. But

it's really got on my nerves. I'm thinking of keeping a vigil, an all-night vigil. All-night vigil. I don't mean with candles and stuff, singing We Shall Overcome. That wouldn't turn you into a lunatic neighbour, would it? Look, I've already nearly killed. He's mad mad.

I've nearly killed once this week. Why don't you get a taste for it? I just got this image of you up all night with this wild-eyed stare. But justice is important, wouldn't you say? Oh, yeah. I'd say that was quite a worrying turn of events when you started talking like that.

I might regret that quote if I do kill someone in the near future. Justice is important. Well, justice is important. It's just not something a friend normally says in everyday conversation. No, I decided at the last minute in prefixing it with the word vigilante.

I just think justice is important, yeah. Justice is important. Okay. Don't you ever have to fantasise about, you know, when something like that happens? Oh, yes, yeah. Do you ever have the harpoon gun fantasy? No, I haven't had the harpoon gun.

Same as me. The harpoon gun fantasy is that you suddenly like in the case like this i emerge from behind the recycling bin at four in the morning they run away and i go and you hear that as as the rocks the ropes connected and then it hits them in the back and then you can pull them you can pull them back towards you don't have to go across the road to their house you can just pull them back very good. You don't have to go across the road to their house. You can just pull them back. Very good. And I wonder who would come across as in the wrong and slightly unhinge them.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. With the current government, I think I've got a fair chance of getting away with it. There'll be a public outcry. I might be half, I think. That's the way things are going. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

Yeah, I'm angry about it. I'm angry about the fly-tipping. Yeah. Well, we've had some... Readers have had some fly-tippers. What about... You know the old punishment fit the crime, the Gilbert and Sullivan song?

Punishment fit the crime. I was thinking, what about if I colonically irrigated them with their own vacuum cleaner? Mm-hm. Eh? Yeah.hm. Eh? Yeah. Brilliant. Once you've got the waste product out, go for the heart.

See if you can get the heart down there. Oh, man, all I did was... Sorry, we've had some... I know we've had a... Katrine says, Frank, long-time reader, first-time writer here, we too have had a phantom dumper. Just last week, we've had a fluorescent Katrine says, Frank, long-time reader, first-time writer here. We too have had a phantom dumper. Just last week, we've had a fluorescent yellow newspaper trolley. I rather like the sound of that.

What is that? It's a fluorescent yellow newspaper trolley. You know those sort of big, thick, waterproof bag things that they carry around free papers in, with the little wheels? You know those? Oh, I know what you mean, yeah. Almost like an old-school paper bag.

Do they have wheels now as well? I think they do have wheels. I could leave asking. People don't carry their own stuff anymore. The obesity crisis, people don't carry anything. I think you're right, Frank. They drag. But I did not expect this to be a public service broadcast today.

No, but people just drag stuff. The old paper kid with his thing now has got it on wheels. The laziness of the rucksack generation. Yep, carry around stuff. A travel cot and a bedside cabinet dumped behind our house. Not that phantom, though,

as we know which neighbour it is. Oh. He was also seen in broad daylight, I love an in broad daylight, emptying junk from his garage

into two other neighbours' bins. Oh, no. It seems fairly harmless, but it was big items. Curtain rails, vertical blinds. What's this all about? Yes, it's...

What sort of order is this? It's always interesting cases. When people talk about litter or people that's done something, you always think... You always talk and everyone says, oh, it's an outrage, but there must be people at home now thinking, good on you.

I don't blame him. What's wrong with that? Well, another reader has said, talking about fly tipping, it's really horrible, but a friend of ours recently put their old fridge outside their house, hoping that someone would assume it worked and take it away. It didn't work. It was still there the next day. So she put a sign on it saying £25. It was gone the following morning.

Strangely enough, they didn't leave £25. That's an interesting idea. Yeah, I like that conceit. And a rare non-pun from Ian Angel there. That was from Ian Angel. That was Mangle. That was the angle. Maybe Angel is his non-punning self.

A bit like Dusty Springfield and whatever her name was, something O'Brien. She used to talk about the real name as if that was her normal non-showbiz. I like it when Angel... Angel. Slash Angel goes a bit Money Matters. It's a bit like a caller into Lorraine. Yeah?

Well, I think, though, you have to be super careful about getting rid of fridges, don't you? Don't they kill polar bears? Because obviously polar bears are attracted to them. You can't just dump them now, you have to sort of, yeah. There you go, you heard it here first. So what have we done, this link? Carry your own stuff and be careful of

how you dispose of your old fridge. Yeah, we're basically saving the planet. I knocked on my mother-in-law's door the other night. Oh, God. I know. I knocked on my mother-in-law's door the other night. Oh, God. I know. In the end, she had to let me out. Oh, Les lives on.

I knocked on my mother-in-law's door and no answer. Of course there was no answer. She was absolutely terrified. And then I heard, what? And I said, lukewarm. Now, it was actually... Were you playing a game of hot or colder?

Where people try and find something? Well, I wondered if the neighbours heard this, what would they think? It was me, weather forecast. All right. So in case she was laying her clothes out before she went to to bed or or um i thought you know is he keeping her posted on his new stage name but what it was actually we'd been

doing the uh the crossword oh we had one clue to go oh and uh we'd been on it for like 20 minutes and in the end we were both exhausted and I went to bed and then lying in bed in the darkness it suddenly came to me. Waiting for fly tippers. I couldn't wait till the next morning. I'd just, yeah, exactly. So I went into the house. Yeah, but I

was genuinely excited. Isn't it lovely when you get one of those clues? It would sound like a very middle-class argument, wouldn't it? Luke Warm! That's you! This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I... As you know, I'm the owner of the world's premier fountain pen, the Peerless 125.

Yes. Is it still going, is it? Oh, God, yes. It'll go forever, I think. You refill them, you know. Oh, no. I'm not familiar. And you know, Yuri Geller. It sounded a bit like you refill them. It sounded like a name. Oh, OK. I, but I will still use a ballpoint um most notably people um he's gonna peel this one two five but he will also write with a bio

you know i'll step down now and again real aren't you certainly yeah um you know it's like that sometimes you think, maybe a hooded top today. Yes. Why not? Yeah. So, I tend to write with a crystal 1.6mm. Yeah. Which I think I've spoke to you about before. Yeah.

Yes, at great length, I seem to recall. It's the queen of the ball points. Do you buy a big box of them or something? I did actually. What is it, salute regularly? Can I say I did get a box of 100. Did you really? How much is that, Frank? Do you know? Well, it was an eBay thing.

It was cheap. You love eBay. Why are you going on eBay? I think you need a good deal of confidence to buy biros on eBay. What about if they'd all been used? Do you really buy pens on eBay. What about if they'd all been used? Do you really buy pens on eBay? Yeah. I bought a box of...

To paraphrase yourself, you're a multi-millionaire. So what? I'm not actually a multi. But even so, yes, I could afford... What are you saying? I should afford to go to the shop? Why, yeah. I don't want to go to the shop for a box of Byros.

Why do you even buy Byros? Why don't you just get them where you are? I mean, you go in offices all the time. You should have a few from Room 101 each time you go in. Because once you've used the crystal 1.6mm, the other Byros, you know, they're a bit scratchy. If there's one, truly one of my great hates in life is the intermittent writing of a biro.

Oh, really? You know those when you start writing and then it... This is hell. The thief and the miser I'm stuck between. No, really. I don't know why I'm getting dragged into this. But anyway, when you get them new as well, which I didn't realise,

they have, like, a little wax coating on the ball. They don't. Yeah, so I started writing with it, nothing, and I thought, that's well, which I didn't realise. They have, like, a little wax coating on the ball. They don't. Yeah, so I started writing with it, nothing, and I thought, that's it. I've been... You've been hacked. I've been gold. Yeah. The great eBay pen scam, buy a book scam.

But then I realised you have to peel a little wax cover off the ball. Really? That protects it. And then I write... So, anyway, I've been writing with this pen from wax to wane and it finally last last week week before it stopped writing and i looked and it was empty and you know of all the biros i've written with i have never followed one through the full extent of its of its life how long would you say it's lasted you, that one? Well...

A week? No, no, more than that. Okay, sorry, I'm not familiar with the biro life. Probably about three weeks. But it's quite emotional to follow one all the way through. It's a bit like, you know that 7-Up series? Yes. It's like that.

And, you know, usually you acquire a biro sort of accidentally, and it's halfway through its cycle, you never really know. But to be out there at the unwaxing... Yeah, yeah, you knew it as a young'un. It is. I feel like I've watched it grow. Yeah. You know, when you get them, they're sort of already rounded individuals. I was there for its first word, literally.

That is nice. And it was really beautiful. And for its first word. Wow. Literally. That is nice. And it was really beautiful. And for its dying breath. I've never watched the full cycle of a biro before. That's age for you. Yeah, exactly. It's, oh, I'm a little bit, can you hear my voice? He's welling up, ladies and gentlemen.

I am a bit, ooh. Yeah, beautiful. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner. He's welling up, ladies and gentlemen. I am a bit... Ooh. Yeah. Beautiful. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text the show. I like it. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on 812 15 follow the show on twitter at frank on the radio or I don't know email the show why don't you via I say via the absolute radio website

do you get that text 812 now I don't want the excitement levels to rise too much but we've had a lot of correspondence in regarding Byros. Ah, well, ballpoints in general. I'm OK, sorry. Byro, I believe.

Is Byro a brand name? I don't know, but you could well be right. Anyway, Nature's Way has tweeted us to say, I bought a pack of Uniball Signo gel pens. OK. 0.7. Don't know them. They're the best you can buy. 0.7, that's thin, isn't it? No missing bits with these smooth rollers.

Bye-bye, crystal. Oh. I'll try it. It's interesting you say it's thin, because I had a go on a crystal 1.6 last week, but you said, oh, they're the best by rollers. Smooth ride. Oh. Big, fat, big, thick're the best by-rollers. Smooth ride. Oh. Big fat, big thick nib, innit?

It's like a thick... Nib? Nib you call it? Yeah, like the end bit. The end bit. The ball. It's like a bouncy ball or something. It's a big ball. I used a Pentel calligraphic pen. Do you?

Oh, dear, that's an artist pen, isn't it? Oh, well, quite. Well. Quite. Well, look, we've all... I think what we've found is we're all different. You told your anecdote about seeing one through from its first word to its last.

You call it an anecdote. I call it a... A saga. A heartbreaking tale of woe. A damn I've seen moment. It's the first thing you've done that I thought deserved that sad music that you used to do on Radio 1. Da na na na da na na na thing you've done that i thought deserves that sad music that used to do on the radio

that summer julie's pancreas fell off yeah frank's pen ran out oh boohoo annie qpr who's one of our regulars says i used to sell those biros they are hexagonal so they won't roll off a desk. I thought all Byros were... Well, not all, but the majority were... Did you have to say ballpipes? And he has also said, no, Byro is a family name. Oh, is it? Yes. Yes, so you're correct.

Anyway, we've also heard from... They've all got flat sides to them. They said they don't roll, generally. This one here's got a round one. I don't know if you can all hear that. That's Robbie's radio, isn't it? Yeah, maybe, yeah. We shouldn't get too deep into the world of the ballpoint.

I don't think so. Well, you say that, but Marie says, I just wanted to say I was given a paper mate pen. Oh, I remember the pulsing heart. So that you could write online on your back. No. Yes. I was given it for my 18th birthday.

I thought it was really posh at the time. I still have it now and it still works. I turned 47 last week. Goodness me. But she must have had refills. Oh, she's had refills. At her age. I'm not...

Come on. No, but that's great. But a paper mate, eh? Oh, I loved a paper mate. What about the parka? I mean... I've got a parka. Well, everyone has now when Michael Parkinson

started giving them away. We've also had a text, an email rather, from 921 Frank et al. Et al. Your crystal biro anecdote has genuinely heartened my Saturday morn. I'm a teacher and I

often buy multi-packs he's put in brackets, pronounced I often buy multi-packs he's put in brackets, pronounced that I, multi-packs of varied colours to mark purple, pink, aqua blue for marking. I too have been at the start of many of their young vibrant lives but so rarely see

them through to the loss of life. Occupational hazard I guess. Oh, that was lovely. Isn't that nice? It's all well done. Oh, I like 921. Oh, that is nice. I can smell the children's BO coming from that.

You know when you walk into a class... Oh, they don't know. They don't understand. They don't care. Why should they? Absolute. Absolute. Absol't know. They don't understand. They don't care. Why should they? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We need to talk, I think. No, we're going to. I'm just... Why don't you take a breath? I'm going to ask some biro correspondence. Okay.

4.10. Should we have one last, one last Biro communication? Well, we have confirmation that Biro was a Czech engineer. I believe it's Laszlo Biro. Who needed to find a way to write with ink in space. Why did he have to write with ink in space? Why couldn't he use a pencil?

Isn't that what happened? I thought the Americans spent years trying to develop a pen that could write in space, and then the Russians used a pencil. Maybe that's an urban myth, but that's what they always used to say. Well, that sounds like a lot of the propaganda that was going on at the time of your childhood. Oh, don't start slagging off the Soviets. When that email just said that you can write lying down using a biro,

I thought, well, that's the joy of a pencil. I occasionally write lying down using a pencil. Do you now? In fact, I've often thought I should buy... What, mid-love sketching? Yeah, exactly. Have you ever thought of learning Russian, Frank? You changed the subject?

Yeah. You've got to talk about mid-love sketching. Because I just remembered, you know, there's a phobos of vogue for everyone learning Russian in the sort of 70s and 80s. All these people learnt Russian and to... And they really. I was in Cologne with the comedian and poet Tim Key. I thought you were going to say the German Chancellor. And we were on a train and I know a bit of little tiny bit of German from school but there was two Russian women on there and he just started suddenly speaking in fluent Russian.

And you know when you know someone and you've never heard the foreign language? Like Adrian Charles does it on the phone. So Adrian's saying, Oh, well, you know, the Albion, the... Oh, it's me, Mum. Hold on. It's very, you know, it's quite exciting. Yeah. Wow.

I think he just quite exciting. Yeah. Wow. I think he just speaks backwards. So he was doing it with the Russian, was he, then? Yeah, and it is quite an impressive sounding language. I see them in a different light when they speak another language. I think it's very impressive. I'd love to hear you with the German. I'd love

that. I did go up to... Is that what you said? I did go up to Is that what you said? I did go up to a woman and said the auto museum Oh, was it straight to the hotel room? Yes, she said what? Did I tell you this was in Coventry?

Yeah You were going to the auto museum What's the auto museum? The car It's like a car Auto Yeah I thought that bit You might have got that bit

Oh my phone's going off It's the least professional thing That's ever happened In the history of broadcasting I can't bear it I'm putting it right up there I think that's terrible isn't it Oh I don't know I'm broadcasting. I can't bear it. Goodness me. I'm putting it, oh, right up there. I think that's terrible, isn't it? Oh, I don't know.

I'm so upset. What were you telling us about your art, lovemaking art? Oh, no, I was just, I was thinking I should buy in bulk those little mechanical pencils, you know, the ones that you click, click, click. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then I could just always use pencils, not write with pens at all. I find it hard to retract with those.

Once the lead's out, I can't get it back in again. You put it in your pocket, it's through the lining, snapped off. I never even thought of the ramifications of this. I just didn't think it through, frankly. This is one of the great things about spare time. Yeah? You get old. Will you speak a bit of German to me later?

Yeah, OK, I'll try. I don't know. Not today of all days. The revelations in the newspaper. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Here's the thing. I am probably, of the three of us on this panel, I'm the least in the know about One Direction. I don't know any of their names, but I do know that one of 1D has gone the wrong D recently. And he's... If he'd gone the wrong D. Yes.

He's going to be a one daddy, apparently. Yeah, because there's always got to be the first one direction to father. Of course there was. And he was actually, can I just say, he was always my personal favourite. Was he? Yeah. See, I remember when it happened with the Spices. Do you remember when they started having kids? You think, well, you know,

it's going to happen. Not in these circumstances, surely. How old is Louis? 23, I believe. I mean, it's not going to be like... Pretty mature. He's not going to be the youngest dad at the school gates, depending on where he lives.

What about when one of the papers had a caption saying, 33 tattoos and a baby on the way? Yeah. That was a good film, wasn't it? It's a weird... It's a funny follow-up. Hugh Grant wasn't in that one. He said, no, this is becoming a ridiculous exploitation.

For the journalists, they have to go through all the old photographs and count up all the tattoos. It's a strange little bit of research that they have. Harry's got 52. That'll be some office... That's just the age. No, he's got 52 tattoos. That'll be an office junior gets that job.

They'll just slam it on his desk. Stevie! I want to know how many tattoos Louis got and I want to know in the next 30 minutes. OK, move it! That's what life's like in the modern journalist thing. Was there any good headlines? I was thinking, should it not have been one conception?

Oh. No. That's a good one, Frank. Nobody did that. What is it with these people? They missed out on the big, when Hilary Duff got pregnant, they missed out on the obvious. If only Mary Berry

was younger, because I'd love a revival of Bon in the Oven. You never hear that anymore, do you? I know. It's a bit of a modern relationship, this one. I think they had what they call, the young people call them, is it hook-ups? It's over the brush.

A hook-up. Oh, certainly. A brief fling was two dates two dates yeah okay so in real terms probably one it's weird though because i i've not had much in the way of psychic experiences in my life but you know some psychic people say if you speak to a woman once said to me you've got an incredible aura and um i was with rita aurora yeah i missed that i always miss that part of the anecdote people no i was she said you've got an incredible aura she said and um and and i said oh what does that mean and she told me and and i and she said, you know, you're psychic, I can tell you.

She said, we're all psychic in various levels. And I've always thought that's nonsense. But I read that he'd had a bit of a short-term, shall we call it, relationship with Brianna Jungwirth. I believe so, yeah. Yeah, the stylist Brianna Jungwirth. believe so. The stylist Brianna Youngworth. And a vision came into my head of stylist

Brianna Youngworth. Of sort of, you know, blonde hair, short skirt, in great shape. I saw a picture of her and by golly if she didn't look exactly like that. Wow. That's too much of a coincidence, isn't it?

That is amazing, yeah. I'm starting to think there might be a stage act in this. You need to harness this talent. It'd be a shame if you didn't. I'll tell you, a mate of mine saw a spiritualist in Watford and the guy came on and he was struggling and he said, D, D, the letter D, does the letter D mean anything to anyone? Nothing.

The letter D, the letter D. And then he said, it's coming through. Dad. That's desperation, isn't it? So my next... I think that's what it was, D for desperation. My next choice is... It's called...

It's by Happy... And I've written on this one. I think I can read this out. Have I got the right one? Color happiness. Oh, that's a good bit to say. Stick with me. I'm not being helped.

I'm not being helped by my people. Oh, I can't find it. Oh, that sounds so disappointing. Play it and then tell us. OK, but it's not the same, is it? Oh, God, he's going to go down that road. You sound like me. It's not the same, is it? I'm just trying to help. Oh, God, he's going to go down that road. You sound like me. It's not the same, is it?

Don't you just want life to work? Don't you get that feeling? Forget it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. If anything, I think this whole story about her getting pregnant shows what a good stylist she is.

Can we say the P word? What, pregnant? Don't hammer it home. It's a medical term. What do you mean? Yeah, but, you know, it's breakfast television. People don't want their noses rubbing in it. You think in the previous link when we said that he was expecting a baby,

people didn't realise that there might be a pregnancy involved. I can't use that word now. Can't we say gravid? Alright, well, the fact that she's in the family way, I don't like it. He prefers little twee fifties. Gravid is a good term. From the same root as gravity.

Yes, indeed. She's gravid. This will make us sound very modern. Let's go gravid. I think, in a way, it just proves what a good stylist she is. She must be amazing at her job, because she probably gave him loads of clothes and he put them on and she went, oh, my God, you look amazing. Let's take it all back off.

Oh, yeah. I wonder if, as she took all his clothes back off, she hung them up properly, maybe next to that steam iron. Can I just say, having seen a couple of photographs, I was a little surprised to hear she was a stylist, but that's another point. My kind of stylist, the kind I mix with. I did think it was interesting...

Can I say, speaking of stylists, by the way, just while I remember this, last night... Oh, we're not right now, but anyway. Cass was playing The Smiths to bars last night. It was, you know, Hang the DJj hang the dj hang the dj hang the d and afterwards he said hang the dj over and over and over and uh and I said um that sounds like he's working in Moss Bross. Got nothing. Not a laugh from the household. Oh, it was.

And that's why I'm living in a hotel at the moment. Nightmare. One of the friends said he'd split up with his long-term girlfriend you see recently. Did you know this? I didn't. I mean, four years she hung in there. Really? really someone in one direction went out with someone for four years like that wasn't it the young people will know sarah will know wow but one of the friends said well it's just very hard when he's away up to nine months of the year i thought well if you're gonna have a

time reference don't say nine months please no rubberber face in it, or what? They work them, though. They do work those pop kids. Oh, the kids. Yeah, but they get money now. It's not like broth. No, but they... Well, it is like broth.

They're all a bit like broth, aren't they? But, yeah, they really do. Their schedules are horrific. A little bit of sympathy there for the boy band. We'll come back to it after these messages. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. There's a documentary about the Ronin's Townsend Absolute Radio tomorrow night at 7 o'clock.

Oh, I'll listen to that. I'm actually talking heads on it. Are you? As Nina Simone. Are you? When I met them, when I met the old dude, I thought, these crazy boys. Why do you make it sound like it's terrible?

I did it over the phone. They had no idea it wasn't me. Wait till they see the obituaries. Anyway. Louis. What are we going to do about Louis? Louis, Louis. Louis actually gave us an inadvertent spoiler alert

because I think three years ago he tweeted an April Fool's joke where he said, I'm going to be a dad. And he gave the game away somewhat then. That's unfortunate, isn't it? When I heard that, that that had happened, I suspected that most people who heard that would have

thought, what, One Direction were famous three years ago? But when I read it, I thought, Twitter? Three years ago? Really? I read it, I thought, Twitter! Three years ago. Really? Yeah. They both seem unlikely events. One Direction have been big for three years. Yeah.

Who won that year? Here's a quiz question. What? The year that One Direction were on X Factor. Who won? Oh. Sam thingy. Was it the woman? No, I don't know. Matt Cardle. It was Matt Cardle. Oh, was it? It was. I don't even know who any of them are. How did I do that? You could argue that they've done better than him. Could you? What about when I turned it into a Steve Wright

thing and I clapped? No, that was great. Charlie producer joined in. Yeah. That was nice. And a Cochran singer this afternoon. I got a little warm glow then when you did that. Maybe we should do that all the time. Yeah, you should have gone during the break. What about when he tweeted that, though?

That's embarrassing. He said, wow, going to be a dad. Well, it is because he was saying, oh, the idea is so preposterous. I'm a young buck. Now what's happened? It's saying in the paper, jokes backfired. Three years.

Three years is a long gestation for a backfiring of jokes. When I die is someone going to say oh he did a joke about dying in 2004. That's come back to haunt him.

Or is he going to come back to haunt oh. Can we do that again Steve? I caught the haunting thing it got too confusing. I think in terms of jokes... Steve?

I'll say, can we... Steve, are you there? I mean, where are you? Oh, Steve, are you? Sorry, carry on. It was about as successful as your April Fool's joke when you ran up... No, it was worse than that. And you said

the toilet's broken. Yes, the toilet's leaking. The toilet's that. And you said, the toilet's broken. Yes, the toilet's leaking. The toilet's leaking. And then you said, the car's been stolen. Yeah, the car's been stolen. But if the car is stolen in three years' time, I'm going to have egg on my face.

Yeah, you are. Come back to haunt me. Those are your two worst jokes. My mate told me... Stick around. My mate told me when we were teenagers... Your mate. You told you

No, my mate People always say my mate when it's them It's honestly not me That's not Alan's style He's got a multi-personality disorder He had a girlfriend Twitter they call him at the hospital He had a girlfriend when he was a teenager

And he was going away to Scarborough for three days and left his mum a note saying, oh, I've gone to Scarborough. By the way, Alison is pregnant. And just went. Oh, there he goes again with the... With the word. But there wasn't even mobile phones then for the mum to put up with.

You've got to stay gravid. This better be a joke. No. That's a different time, isn't it? When you can't text saying, come on, let me off the hook here Apparently you can't say pregnant either I know, it's a strange word to get all uppity about It's, um, so it was a joke

He was kidding, yeah He wasn't in one direction, he wasn't on Twitter It wasn't 1D territory Oh, he wasn't in one direction? No, no, no He never said that at the beginning I was on a false thread Yeah, it's, um Have you ever had a joke about fire, Frank? I can't imagine You never said that at the beginning. I was on a false thread.

Yeah, it's... Have you ever had a joke about fire, Frank? I can't imagine. Settle yourself down. That's his whole life. I nearly killed somebody this week with one. That was a success. That's a joke about fire. What about my Moss Bros one?

I did one, I was on a show with Alan this week. Oh, Alan? Me. Yeah, and I did a joke which I was on a show with Alan this week. Oh, Alan? Me. Yeah, and I did a joke which I thought was a brilliant joke. Oh, yeah. How was it, then? I was talking about Burke and Hare.

You know, Burke and Hare, the famous grave robbers. Grave robbers, yeah. And they said, yeah, they died. They were ripped to pieces by Gravefriars Bobby. Oh, OK. Now, they were grave robbers. Gravefriars Bobby. Oh, OK. Now, they were grave robbers. Gravefriars Bobby the dog guarded his owner's grave, and they all operated in Edinburgh.

So it was a brilliantly, cleverly nothing from the audience. Oh, dear. And I thought it should be like in cricket. You can go to the third umpire and say, can we just run through that joke again? And they say, oh, no, actually, it was funny, and then they have to laugh. You know, Orkoy on the tennis.

So the crowd, let's just do that joke again. The crowd go, ooh, that it was funny. But no, you don't get a second chance in this crazy business. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio 003 Roland River, by the way, told me that when he did that series, he did a week at Ronnie Scott's with Nina Simone

one night she came out with the bags sat down, lifted up the lid of the piano and went I don't think so just put the lid down and went off. Didn't play. I'm going to do that here one morning. But I said, you know, the people begot it,

but now they're the people with the great story, the people who were there that night. Apparently Larry David did that as well, you know, the writer of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, Frank knows that. He loves an American box set. Oh, it's like that episode of Kirby. Apparently he went on as a stand-up and went, hmm, not

tonight. Just went. What do you think of that, Frank? Not as cool. You liked it better when it was Nina Simone, didn't you? Well, Burke and Hare, apparently they just lifted up the lid one night and said, yeah, I don't think so. Actually, nah,

was I believe the phrase. Nah? Don't you remember when one of five said that to me? He looked at me, I was at some awards music ceremony thing, and he just, as I was walking past, one of them went, oh, what about her? I go, actually, nah. Oh.

Oh, awful. But, you know, we've all got different tastes. Do you think the guys from One Direction got advice from the people in the boy band A1? You know, because it's directions. Oh, yeah. A1. Oh, I used to love A1.

One Direction and A1. Oh, yeah. Do you think the lads from Blue got advice from Deep Purple? Well, this is... I like this advice thing. Alan's advice corner. Yeah. I like it.

What else you got? That's it. Oh, that's it. The worst joke to backfire was on me. Uh-oh. Which was when I did an April Fool on a family friend, a Canadian gentleman. OK.

It's not relevant that he was Canadian, but he was. And we had cookies on a plate. Was he a Canadian gentleman. OK. It's not relevant that he was Canadian, but he was. And we had cookies on a plate. Was he a famous actor? No. OK. The only person that we knew who wasn't. And we decided that it would be humorous to put a rubber cookie from the joke shop on the plate.

Excellent work. And he, no, he bit into it and he went, oh, my tooth! Oh, no. He was in terrible agony. And I got in trouble. It hurt him. I got sent to bed with no dinner party. Oh. The worst punishment.

The worst Emily Tain childhood punishment of them all. I mean, that's what I was threatened with all the way through my childhood, but I never actually got that. They were always saying you won't be allowed to the dinner party, Alan. You keep that up. That's the worst punishment you can imagine. Oh, that's very

marvellous. You see, I've been allowed to speak after that because it's going to be after the Lord Mayor's show. Thank God for the adverts. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 81215. You can follow our show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email our show via the Absolute Radio website. Do you know what we haven't talked about this morning? One of my favourite characters of the week, El Chapo. Do you know who that is? El Chapo.

Oh, El Chapo. Yes, I do. El Chapo is the cartel leader who was responsible for what I'm calling the Great Escape. Yes. I mean, hats off to him. Yes, he's a Mexican... He's a drugs lord. There's no way he's a a Mexican... He's a drugs lord. There's no... He's a drugs lord. He's strung out.

I don't know if he was, but he certainly told to some people that were. He seemed to have intricate knowledge of his business methods. I'm trying to look after his reputation there, Alan Cochran. I don't know if he was. Hold on a minute. El Chapo apologist. I don't think he's going to sue me.

Do you not think... I imagine he's a man who El Chapo Apologist. I don't think he's going to sue me. Oh, do you not? You don't think? No. I imagine he's a man who thinks justice is quite important. He might sue you. Apparently, he's quite wealthy. Yes. He's worth a billion. He spent 50 million on that tunnel.

We should say, shouldn't we? Yes, we should. Brief summary. Yes. He was in prison for his... In Mexico. Yeah. I believe it's called the Altiplano.

Okay. And he escaped from prison. Mm-hmm. And, I mean, there's something... To a tunnel. There's something a bit exciting about it. Exciting. Any prison escape.

Mm-hmm. And certainly with a tunnel involved. Yeah. With a bike. A motorbike in the tunnel. A mini moped? I mean, to be honest, I think that is unnecessary. It's a bit banana splits.

That tunnel... It was a bit E.T. getaway. It was so babyish, that's why I loved it. The thing is, it's under a mile long, the tunnel. You could have just walked that and not had to have a motorbike in it. It's a drop sword. It doesn't walk a mile. Well, they could have put a bicycle in there. Why did not had to have a motorbike in it. Is it true? Is it a motorbike, Lord? Yeah. It doesn't walk a mile. Well, they could have put a bicycle in there.

Why did he have to have a motorbike? He didn't spend all those years standing on straight corners saying, do you want the... doing all that. I suspect he never did that. So now I have to walk down his own escape tunnel. No. It was so clever, though. Apparently it had lights, Al.

And then as he went past, each light went off. Oh, that's clever. Nice action. Like in a big hotel off. Oh, that's clever. The sad thing. Nice action. Like in a big hotel corridor. Like a burglar thing. Save money. He feels happy with the burglar light. But I imagine that in a circus somewhere in Mexico,

there was a monkey in a pseudo-military uniform saying to the ringmaster, I don't know where it's gone. I parked it outside the caravan. Came back to get it, it's gone. He's asking for trouble though because when they recapture him, they're going to do him for escaping and riding a motorcycle

without the correct paperwork on. He's just put another couple of years on his sentence probably. What about that tunnel, a mile long? Why didn't they think it was suspicious that they had a construction site? Oh, we'd be in those penthouse flats. Beautiful.

Why would there be a construction site? I think there was a suggestion, and this is allegedly, that he may have bribed some of the guards at the prison. To just put the radio up really loud so that they couldn't hear the boulders going on down the stairs.

Surely when they saw that transistor radio with the paint drips, they must have missed. Yeah. He got down through a hole in the shower. This is what gets me. I can't get water down the hole in my shower. But they've got a person. I'm always at it with Mr. Mossel and the plunger and all that.

It's a nightmare, just from my own hair. Well, there was a 32-inch shaft that went down to the tunnel. How did it get down there in a sombrero? I love your 70s world view. But he said he used

a sparrow as well, didn't he? To test the air quality. And they found it. When he'd gone, he left it as a sort of calling card. It was alive we should say, animal lovers. Yeah, it was asleep in the bin. Yeah, he wouldn't kill a sparrow. That's wrong though, isn't it? A sparrow, surely it should have been a minor bird, isn't it? A minor

bird that they used to use. Canaries. Yeah, but you can't trust a minor because they talk. They seem like a canary, I've heard. Yeah, they'd have been interrogated. The reason they didn't use a minor bird is that it's an adult prison and you can't have minors in there. Fantastic. You know the thing I love most, Al?

When he got to the other side, when he was through, when they'd sprung him, is what I believe they say in the industry. Nice. There was a change of clothes waiting for him. Now, that's my kind of escape. A brand new outfit. Adidas tracksuit. I like the idea that they thought,

oh, no- one will ever recognise him if he's got a new t-shirt on. Low-key sombrero. Pastel shades. No glitter. No shinies. And this one. No shinies. I like there's a picture of him. He's a

ball bloke. Clean shaven. He's believed that he may now have a moustache. I thought, of course he's got a moustache. And I know exactly what... I'll draw it on. I'll draw it on. Then we'll find him. Absolutely straightforward.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, this El Chapo character... Yes. El Chapo. I mean, what I Chapo character... Yes. El Chapo. I mean, what I love about him,

and I stress I am saying I love stuff about him in case he's listening... Yes. He has been tweeting rather extraordinarily. Has he? Yes. He hasn't said, wow, I'm a father. He's doing it via his son, but he's sending out messages to people. He's making it very clear who he's going to get,

which is a helpful guide for the FBI, I would imagine. I bet he's built up. And so Donald Trump, who recently criticised Mexico heavily, must be a bit hectic. Let's put it this way, he's not happy with Donald. No. Oh, dear. No.

What about Richard Hammond? Can't we tip him off about that? Remember he lied into it. I'm going to get in touch with El Chapo. Tweet him. I've got a few scores to set up. We can put a link on. I'm going to go more than tweet him. What if we tweeted him that link? He'd probably kill Richard. Can I say

if anyone's listening, please don't do that. That could genuinely be a dangerous thing to do. No, but I'm going to get in touch. What if he DM'd me? Oh, El Chapo. Yeah, how are you doing? I do sort of wish that we'd known he'd been tipped off he was going to escape and we could have sent British prisoner Charles Bronson

coming down the tunnel the other way on a small bike and let him battle in the beginning. I could have got the best computer game ever. My money's on Charles. Yeah. Because he goes for the butter, the full-on... Oh, yeah, of course he does. Yeah.

What, before a fight? He smears himself in butter, doesn't he, Frank? He did that on his last... In case he gets any grapplers. Yes. No, that's what he did last time. He covered himself in butter so the guards couldn't get a proper grip on him. And he's bald-headed and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like holding a big fish. Good thinking. It was an expensive escape, though. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like holding a big fish. Good thinking. It was an expensive escape, though, that's right, Emily pointed out. It was 50 million in bribes, they reckon. And some character said to the papers,

you have to buy off the guards and they know how rich he is. They will have asked for tens of millions of dollars. Yeah. I like the fact that how rich he is suddenly becomes a factor, like it's a football transfer and Man United are involved. Hang on.

During the transfer window it goes up because they know it's Man United trying to buy his money, isn't it? But doesn't he actually say, let me out or I'll kill you? Why does money come into it? Isn't that what Roger Moore says? Exactly. Yeah, very. I don't know.

They said that it would need almost a year to have dug the tunnel. Yeah. 352 days. With miners working shifts through the night. I think it put a bit of extra time on it because they took a little side tunnel bit and they stole a load of jewellery from Hatton Garden. Oh. Yeah, it was the same one, so that helped

with the overheads. I'll be honest, they seem rubbish compared to this El Chapo. I mean, it's fine, but it's... I like my prison escapes a bit more lo-fi. I don't want a big team of miners and burglar lights and... Motorcycles.

Do you remember that bloke in America? He collected all his dental floss over years and lowered himself down an escape from prison. That's amazing. And also, you know, that sort of gungy stuff you get around the bottom of the bars in prison windows. He got all that off.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I thought I could just read you one email about pens. It's almost closure, but there may be more. We've had some complaints about the pen theme. Someone said, I won't name them, but they said they're up for pedantic banter,

but please, enough of the biro talk. Oh. Yeah. Well, no, not enough of the viral talk. Oh. Yeah. Well, no, not enough. I've got one more to give. OK. Come on, one more. Give me one time.

Pen that writes in space email. Sorry to bother you, but the actual problem with pencils... Sorry to bother you is... Go on. It's a good opening. It's a beginning, yeah. It's a radio show. Sorry to bother you.

Yes, we're trying to do a radio show here. Sorry to bother you on that public forum where you ask me to text or email. No, that's lovely. I like politeness in all its forms. Sorry to bother you, but the actual problem with pencils in space is that graphite dust doesn't fall to the ground, but can short-circuit equipment. It's just that Russians didn't care. That's good.

Can that town tell me they didn't care about the cosmos? And after all those 70 schoolchildren bothered to learn the language. It's so unfair. It is unfair. Pencils on a spaceship. That would have been a good sequel to snakes on a plane. It would have. Good info.

It is good info, yeah. I think there's talk we should perhaps go to email Kona more often. Oh, yeah, can we do? Yeah, we've been neglecting it just lately. But you know what? As it's been a while, just by way of wildness, let's do the jingle that actually failed, that was entered and failed.

Oh, yeah, go on. Do you remember this one? I like it. Yeah, that's Matthew Mays. Frank, what happens if you do an IEM whilst in the corner? Oh, goodness me. An IEM? Oh, you mean an idiotic eureka moment?

Some of our older readers will remember this. Can I just explain what it is? It's when you realise something like a pun or whatever, a play on words, it takes you years, or everyone else knows it and you don't. And the example I always give, my own personal one, was that they used to have adverts for BT, and the woman who did them, played by Maureen Littman, was called BT.

And it took me probably three years where I suddenly went, oh, Beatty, it's called Beatty, because... And I said it to a group of friends and they went, which is always what defines you, the idiotic eureka moment. Yeah. Yeah. That moment. So what was yours? Mine's not as Damascene as that. No. However, I was thinking about Great Britain the other day.

Oh, yeah, how lovely. Yes, sometimes that happens to me. Yeah. Were you lying back at the time? And I suddenly thought... And I suddenly thought, oh, it's funny we call it Great Britain. And then I started thinking of Little Britain. And I thought, oh, they've done a bit of a play on Great Britain there. I thought Little Britain was just a title for the show.

I didn't think it was a reference to the fact that, as opposed to Great Britain, it was Little Britain. See what I mean? Yes, I mean, that's never occurred to me. I thought it was kind of like Middle England, Little Britain. But it might well be. What do you think? I think you're all right.

I think both of you are right. Does it just mean post-gastric band? I don't know. That was a Fern Britain joke. Come on. Yeah, maybe it is. If anyone knows for sure, please let... There must be some...

Matt Lucas, for example. He might be listening. He might not know for sure. OK. It's so difficult um he is this is frank skinner absolute radio nice bit of mixing from faith no more straight into that Ah. Nice bit of mixing from Faith No More straight into that.

Yeah, that's good. I mean, some would have fell down the stairs. Yeah. You know that's a DJ term? No. When the mix goes a bit wrong. Oh, is it? No. I did not know that.

Oh. I did not know that. I would... Nina, can you go out? I'd like to I'd like to read an email to you since we're in the corner Dear Frank, Alan, Emily many years ago, I should say this is on parking

from a couple of weeks ago when we were discussing parking in Great Yes, that's when we weren't discussing pens we were discussing parking We were parking in forensic detail Dear Frank, Alan, Emily many years ago a friend of mine drove down to Wembley to see you two with me and he decided to park on the massive car park surrounding the stadium. But to my amazement, he managed to park his car closer than anyone else to the Twin Towers that was possible,

which still amazes me now how close we were to the entrance and it was part reverse for easy exit after the concert. Nice feeling. I'll bet he sat watching or stood thinking, oh, we're pointing in the right way. Yeah, except I've done all the hard work. One problem was that we were

so close to the stadium that getting away afterwards was, shall we say, a little time consuming and I now realise why we got that space so close. That is one of my pet hates, is driving through crowds of pedestrians. Oh, I really hate that. Oh, I don't mind that.

Out of my way, losers. I hate that. Also... I... Sorry, carry on. No, I just think as long as I'm protected in the car, I don't mind. Yeah, but you know when all those girl fans

are rubbing their faces against the window, and you're just... Oh, my boyfriend doesn't get that kind of attention. Normally 70-year-olds. I still get that a lot. Do you? No. No, you don't.

I asked... You get a pensioner if you're lucky. I interviewed David Essex and I said, you know when you're in a car and there's all those women pressing their face against the window and go, David, David, what facial expression do you adopt? And he answered it very seriously and said oh i think i went sort of like this and gave me a couple of examples it's very good people wouldn't do that with my car we park under a tree there's often

anyway well no you get sap if you park under a tree sap on the windscreen and bird problems. I would say, having parked at Wembley myself many times, there is a bit of a thing at Wembley, is that when you're driving in there, the stewards, because you're paying to park, so the stewards are very, very helpful, and when you come out, they've all gone home. So you're left, they've had their money. Yeah.

Cages. I remember once at West Brom, I think it was a big game for us. It was about, I suppose, about 30 or 40,000 maybe. And I thought, I'll wait. I won't go out. I'll just let the crowd die down.

And so I was sitting on the wall and this cop, like a senior cop, I remember he said, like a little baton. Oh, yes, I do. And he said to me, what's the trouble, son? And I said, I just thought I'd wait

until the crowd cleared a bit before I left. And I remember he went, wise boy. And I felt slightly ashamed. You know, a bit too grown up and sensible. Do they still have the baton? Have I invented that, the police? No, that sounds familiar to me. I don't mean like a riot baton.

I mean like a military sergeant major under the arm. No, but I've seen photographs in the How We Used To Live books. I'm sure they did. What, with me? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We haven't discussed this morning the drunks we're on. We have not. This is one of my favourite stories this week. Is it up there with El Chapo? It's up there. Well, he was similarly strung out. It's a different level of crime, though, I think. Broken to a private member's bar. When I say private member's bar level of crime though, I think. Broken to a private members bar. When I say private members bar,

it's not one I frequent. It's called the Honeyborn Railway Club. And he went on a wild rampage. A squirrel. Yeah, he went on a spree. He knocked over glasses, didn't he, Al? Yeah. Staggering around. Tossed beer mats,

money and straws on the floor. He tossed beer mats? A squirrel? Turned on the Caffrey's beer tap. Yeah. Staggering around. He tossed beer mats on the floor? He turned on the Caffrey's beer tap and the owner thinks he drunk it. Can I just say he's my spirit animal already? Yeah. You're sounding dubious. Do you think the owner's made it up? I can see from that look in your eye, Frank.

I can imagine the squirrel getting in somewhere and knocking stuff over and things like that. And knocking the taps on, but drinking the beer. You can't imagine a squirrel drinking beer with those whiskers. They're perfect for beer drinking. There's probably a member of camera, this squirrel. Mind you, there used to be a brewery called Mitchell's and Bottler's in the West Midlands.

It might still exist. And I think the squirrel was their symbol. Maybe they are associated with drunkenness. Maybe. In folk lore. I worry... I was bad luck to kill one, I think my dad told me. And he killed animals of all kinds with his

bare hands. I was going to say in a rare moment of compassion. Yeah, I think now, but bad luck it was based on superstition. Not caring. I think it's bad luck to kill a... It sounds to me like the blokes, you know when you have to rescue your own anecdote, you know when you're telling an anecdote

and you think they'll really laugh at this because the squirrel got in and people aren't laughing and you have to start adding some untrue layers. Yeah, and then it dropped and then don't let that be drunk! When I got it, it was absolutely drunk. Which is, you know, in a panic, he said that.

He said he staggered out a box of crisps. Yeah, I mean, that's where you can immediately detect a lie, because surely a squirrel would be going for the nuts. Exactly. It would have revealed, it would have completely revealed the bikini girl by the time he got here. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I love Frank's idea of pubs.

I haven't been in a pub since, you know, I stopped drinking a long time ago. Any young people listening? I know it's unlikely, but there could be. They used to have these cardboard... Yeah, KB Nuts. Yeah, and it used to be a picture of a lady in a bikini and it was covered in packets of nuts. The idea was men would be so desperate to see a woman in a bikini,

they'd buy more nuts than nuts. It was a bit like catchphrase. When you release the... When you open the square on the big clue. And there'd be a lovely fresh... I tell you what I liked about... Men were happy with a bikini in those days.

Yeah, and I tell you what I liked about those bikini girls. There was none of this pouty stuff. There was a nice broad smile. They looked healthy. Happy to be there. Nice broad smile. Yeah, they did. They looked genuinely happy to be under the knots. I wonder if...

You're just... You're extraordinary. Anyway, well, it's the simpler times. You used to be able to get bottles of lager. Do you remember cans of lager with bikini girls on as well? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that. Lovely.

Simpler times. My worry about the squirrel is, if it's true, and indeed I think you might be right, I suspect there might have been some embellishment. I'm not saying the drinking thing. I think you could be wrong. And I think it's wrong. I think the turning the beer tap on is an exaggeration.

No, I think that could happen, but drinking the beer. Do you find it more plausible that he got his little claw out? No, but he could have ran. He could have scampered across. Because those are the ones you just step down those beer taps. Oh, I see. He could have scampered across. Because those are the ones you just step down, those beer tacks. Oh, I see. He could have scampered across, but he wouldn't have thought, oh. He just wouldn't have drunk it, I don't think. He wouldn't. He just wouldn't.

You know him. You know his character. I know. Look, I grew up... He just wouldn't. He's not that kind of guy. To me, the squirrels in this country have got a long tradition as part of the road safety campaign. They have. With Tofty. Tofty. tofty tofty fluffy tail and then then to associate them with alcohol it's just wrong it's funny you should say that because i

was driving recently and i saw a squirrel try to cross the road it ran into the road saw an hgv and literally did one of those very human like and ran back to the car really. Really? That's my honest favorite animal. I have a blue jacket. I half expected it to check a wristwatch as if it was in a hurry to get somewhere. It was Tufty. It was amazing. Do you think... My worry about the squirrel is,

is he the kind of... If he was a human being, he'd be a pub bore, wouldn't he? That's all I'm going to say. He'd say, it'd be rude not to. Grey or red? What, Tufty? No, grey or red? What, the tafty? No, grey or red is the new Ant & Dec Saturday night.

They swing a squirrel in a bag for a mini and during the swinging you have to show whether it's grey or red and they tip it off, you get it right, it's a million quid. You heard it here first. Okay, I mean they're only at pilot stage but who knows. So listen, thank you so much for listening.

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!