The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Bits n Bobs

Episode Date: March 10, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss some post Oscars 'Big Mo-ments', Amazon's Alexa and Frank recalls a voice over incident from his past.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Your weapon of choice. You know, sometimes you sound like you've forgotten my name. This week you sounded like you were surprised I'd shown up. And Alan Cochran! Like I thought we'd booked somebody else.

I think that was excitement. Oh, good. Good. Good to see you. I love your little moments, you two. What? Little moments? There was a little mo.

We'll be coming on to that. There was a little mo on EastEnders, wasn't there, as well? Yes, there was. Down at heel, slightly broken woman. Yeah. Yeah. Well, is she still in it? Today's the day.

This is Harry Stender's correspondent. Indeed. No, she's not in it anymore. No. Gone but not forgotten. I wonder what that actor's... Where is she now, little Mo? Anyone?

8.12.15. 8.12.15. Yeah. We've had an email I just found out. She's not in it. She's in a halfway house. I hope not. She won't be.

I wish we hadn't brought it up. No, no, she'll be touring. Yeah. We had an email that's one of the whatever happened to things that we sometimes talk about. You know, whatever happened to... Do you want the jingle in advance? No, it's just...

Okay. I'm happy to do it. Tell me what it was pertaining to. I need to snap my head off. Let me just translate for you because I'm literate in Frank and I think that means I'd like to play the jingle. Oh, okay.

If you want. Okay. You read that very well, Emily. I think you translated that. Reading Frank for 25 years. Good morning, Alan, Emily and Frank. Whatever happened to Kilroy was here, the cartoon character who had a big nose draped over a wall?

They used to be everywhere saying things like, what, no tab on imperial leather? That sort of stuff. Oh, not Robert Kilroy still? No, not Robert Kilroy still. I know what happened to him. We know, yeah.

Oh, yes. And then it says, although to be fair, I don't ever think I saw one that said that, but, you know, I think we're getting a gist. I remember those. Weren't they from World War II then? Yes, that's why I remember them.

They said things like, what no licorice? Right. Referring to, you know, various food shortages. Yeah. What no nylon? Didn't know that they were from World War II. Every day's a school day, isn't it? Yeah. But I mean, so

I've wondered at school day a week to get here. I think we had another email, didn't we, about Bill Stickers. Oh, yes. Which is another one of those. I remember that, yeah. What's the classic graffiti joke nowadays that gets

repeated? Well, I don't think it's repeatable. No, it's probably very crude. It's all tagging now, isn't it? There'll be some kind of tag and a big picture of somebody doing something with a hood on. Probably. I don't even know. They still did graffiti.

I don't know what they still do. I'll be honest with you. Who knows? What is it? Have we got Bill stickers? Have you got that email anywhere? Oh, I haven't, no. Okay, sorry. We'll come back to Bill stickers. It just seems to be on the same theme.

You're quite right, I haven't seen that for Kilroy, we'll see. Perhaps we can bring that back. Yeah. But what are the shortages up there? We could put what no graffiti. Liter no... What no literacy. What no paintings. You know what I'm saying? What no paintings?

Yeah, because there's none of them anymore. We could put what no... Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah? We could do that. I mean, it's complex. What no student grants.

Oh, yeah. We could put that. That would work. Hey! Oh, Jeremy Coyne. We could put that. That would work. Oh, Jeremy Coyne. We could put that. I love it when you get all what I'm calling donkey jacket. Now, there's an old reference.

Have you got time to... Every time a celebrity dies, you could put up a What No and then their name. That's a good idea. Yeah. Might be a bit insensitive if their relatives live near there. We'll have a rule. Let's get them in the good idea. Yeah. A bit insensitive if their relatives live near there. We'll have a rule. Let's get them in the ground first. Yes. Okay.

That's a good rule. We've had some correspondence from the Wirral. Of course they don't all go in the ground now. Good point. Have we got time to read out this missive from the Wirral? Well, I don't know. How long is it? Well, okay. I'm going to be the judge of that. Yes. Mark Danby from the Wirral? Well, I don't know. How long is it? Well, OK, I'm going to be the judge of that.

Yes. Mark Danby from the Wirral says, Dear Frank and team, we were left puzzled yesterday when my parents' aunt told us she makes all her lunchtime sandwiches on a Sunday evening, be it ham... Wow, brilliant. Can I just say, fabulous use of be it. Be it ham and tomato, cheese and onion,

or even egg mayonnaise. Then, this is the kicker. I wouldn't give egg mayonnaise a week. Wait for it, Frank. Come on. Freezes them for the week. Well, I've never heard of this phenomenon. Is this normal behaviour?

I just can't believe they'd be fully thawed by dinner hour. Well, it depends when you start thawing it, but I don't know how bread comes out that well, does it? I know a bloke. If you does it? I know a bloke... If you freeze it. You know a bloke? I know a bloke who makes a month's worth of chicken pita sandwiches and freezes them all

and then takes them out day by day as he's going to work. For exactly that, he just lets them defrost as he's working in the morning. Wow. I went out with a lady. And I think it is remarkable. I think it is unusual. What's he like, this chap? I went out with a lady.

Oh, what happened to my head? Alan, Frank wants to tell his story. Oh, go on. No, shut your face. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. You raised the subject earlier of Bill Stickers. Yes. You may recall. I have a sense that we had an email about Bill Stickers. Well, I've discovered that very email. This is from Darren, spelled

with one R, controversial. Dear Frank, Emily and Big Al, whatever happened to Bill Stickers, aka Bill Posters, will be prosecuted. Yes. Now, that used to be a sign, a sort of a local council sign. Bill Stickers will be...

Prosecuted. Will be prosecuted. Well, Darren does go on to ask, did they get him in the end Or did he get off On a technicality Well you'd often see Graffiti that said

Bill Stickers is innocent Yes Oh that's nice Does he mention that No but a number of other Readers have Including Ian Angle Oh okay

Yeah Yeah So that was That was a bit of Very popular Like at gigs People people used to shout, Wally! Oh, they do Alan now?

All the time. Don't they? Yeah. At your gigs, I guess. There's some... You need to come out earlier. Yeah, yeah. I'm tardy, aren't I?

Yeah. You know, there's some bit of footage that has gone viral, and so now occasionally, if I'm doing a boisterous comedy club of a weekend there will be people going Alan! Alan!

Alan! Because they've all seen this clip. It's a right laugh. Something else I didn't know they were doing. It's a right laugh and a really good start. What I was going to say before

was that I went out with a woman and when we went away when she went away, and she did, she would pack her outfits in individual plastic bags. I love that woman. So she would have, you know,

socks, pants, trousers, top, all in a thing, and that was her outfit, so she'd just take it out and that was the outfit for the day. Oh, clever. Well, I do pack in outfits I know but I don't go on holiday

in order to change my clothes every day I go on holiday in order to not bother that's what holiday's about yeah sorry you do what? I do pack in outfits

do you? I mean down to the smalls I lay them out like little ladies on the bed yeah so I have the top I'm going to wear the undergarments undergarments sorry I lay them out like little ladies on the bed. Yeah. So I have the top I'm going to wear,

the undergarments, sorry. Yeah. Struggling getting through that. And the skirt, maybe. Down to the shoes, all aspects. And that goes in a bag? No, that goes in the case. It all goes in the case. Yeah.

Oh. So don't they all get mixed up? They do get mixed up, technically. No, it means in my head I know. I'm just saying like that. Did you take a photo? Oh, yes. You should take a photograph of the outfit.

That's part of the process for packing. That's what Emily does. It's like the constant vigil kept by my next day's clothes at the side of my bed. If I look up, I can see the jumper. We've had a lovely posh person get in touch saying I saw a Kilroy drawing on a wall in Pompeii

that said Kilroy Hick Erat very public school, great show Peter, yeah love that, so is that, that's Latin is it, yes, it does sound Latin thanks guys for helping me out with that one I'm not one of those people who pretend they know

do you know what I mean? Yeah. I like you for that. Yeah. Like, you know the Marmite joke I told my cousin? You know that, don't you? I don't know if I do. Well, I did a joke on...

I've got time to tell. I had a joke on the telly when I was a youth, and it was David Frost, in fact. So let's go back a bit. What, no David Frost? And he said Marmite, hopeful

pa. Alright. As in Marmite. Yes. So I told my cos I'll speed this up a bit and I said, what about this? Marmite, hopeful pa. And he went... I said, do you get it?

He said, no. I said, Marmite? You know, mother, mar, mother might, hopeful pa, hopeful father. But Marmite. And he went, ah! Ha ha! So honestly, I swear, that Ma might. And he went, ah! Ha-ha! So, honestly, I swear, this is true, I was playing darts in the pub about two hours later

and I heard him say to this bloke, here's a joke for you, Bovril. Hopeful pa. And the other bloke went, ha-ha. So, you know, a true story from my life. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I did my Friday night trawl. I like this new review. The Friday evening emails. Oh, yeah. They're just there. If I don't look through them, they just get sent and don't get seen. So someone has to have a look. That's wrong.

Evening team. My wife, brackets 41, close brackets. I like this already. Just realised that a ballpoint pen... Unless it's from, say, a Mormon who's got loads and loads of wives, and that's a number. Good point.

My wife, 41. Exactly. Can't remember all those names. She's got to do a numerical system. You need a system sometimes. My wife, 41, just realised that a ballpoint pen is named so because there is a tiny ball surrounded in ink at the business end. That's correct.

Why else would it be called so? Yeah. See you in a bick, adds Glenn. Oh, I like it. What a fabulous sign-off. Very good sign-off. That is very good. For a pen email.

All links. Yeah. But he's not signing on. No. If he's getting a... Biro. Rubbish. I should have left it.

I should have left it with him. I've got to lock it. What's going on in your mouth this morning? You know when a locket sticks in your teeth? Yeah. Like a limp it might. Locket? That's a bit whatever happened to you.

Yeah. Do you think? Yeah. I always find after... We don't see so much of those anymore. You know, I suppose the time is imminent where your winter coat that you seem to be wearing every day goes into the cupboard

and you know you're not going to be seeing it for a while. It's that bit of a moment. Sometimes I zip it up. Do you? I zip it up in the end of March. Wow. I don't know why. Feeling that I hold it in place better.

Fare thee well, as you put it away. A sort of travel safe thing there's an air of sadness about it you never know you could go back and it could be see you soon old friend thank you for getting me through the winter have we all been reading the life changing magic of tidying or something

thank you for your service but when you get to let's say I suppose it would be sometimes end of August you get that cold let's say, I suppose it would be sometimes end of August, you get that cold down, you think, I might have to get the coat. Get my old friend. Almost always there's half a packet of lockets.

Well, you're eating your way through the first half so it's perhaps time to put them away. Because it's a winter thing, isn't it, lockets? You don't really buy them in the summer. I don't buy them even in the winter. I don't really buy them at all, actually. Really?

It's 2018. I thought Lockett's was still hot potatoes. What about Tunes? No, that's potatoes. Oh, yeah. Sweet potatoes are the current hot potatoes, aren't they? They're all the rage.

They're not as good as potato... You know when you get sweet potato... I had sweet potato chips the other night at the National Theatre. Of course you did. They're not like potato chips. You've changed. They're not. No.

Why? You know. They're sweeter. Well... They are! They're sweeter in a sort of a not chips kind of a way. Yeah. If you get some... Oh, well, this is a dull topic.

Well, I don't think we should let that stop us. Is this going to go down in history as the sweet potato link? No, no, because I stopped it. Okay. I jumped ship on the... I mean, I would have happily... I jumped ship. Very good.

See, I've rescued it. On capital, that would have been an hour. There'd have been a phone in about, you know, what are the types of chips that you like and stuff like that. I would have happily gone down that road. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm at the wrong stage.

Let's analyse it a bit more. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So I was in a cab. Yeah. I'll be honest with you, it was an Uber. OK.

Is this the only way to get sweet potatoes at the National? No, no, this was... I can't remember where I was going, to be honest. I didn't, you know... I do a journal, but it doesn't have that kind of minutia. Desperately trying to get back to a chip conversation. I know. Oh, OK.

We'll come back to that. We can bob and weave. Will we? OK. No, it's fine. Anyway, you're in the cab. And... Oh, is it... Magic?

Yeah, well... Depends what. Are you asking me in a Barry Manilow take that way? Oh, is it magic? Yeah, well... Are you asking me in a Barry Manilow take that way? Or could it be magic? Do you remember I couldn't remember the name of that Anthony Hopkins film? Oh, yes, yeah, with the ventriloquist dummy. It is magic. I just remembered it. Has that been like two and a half years or something?

No, it hasn't been that long. When was that that you started trying to remember? That's what we started talking about. I couldn't remember the title of it. Is this relevant to the anecdote? No. You don't been that long. When was that that you started trying to remember? That's what we started talking about. I couldn't remember the title of it. Is this relevant to the anecdote? No. Oh, OK. You don't mean today, do you?

No, I mean... Well, that literally just came out of nowhere. I just suddenly remembered. Well, remember, you were giving me clues and I just couldn't remember. I do, darling. I just didn't know you were going to tell us then. No.

I thought you'd finished the story. It's probably been... I think we talked about it on air. I think it's finished the story. It's probably been. I think we talked about it on air. I think it's been about two months ago. Yeah.

Still, that's... I mean, you can see why we might have thought the moment was over. But it's always lovely to... I was somewhat

surprised to hear it in medallion coach. It's always lovely to tie up a loose end, isn't it? Oh. Oh, I felt...

There's a little part of me that's just relaxed a bit. Oh, good. Yeah There's a little part of me that's just relaxed a bit. Ooh, good. Yeah. OK. So I was in the cab, and this bloke was...

This bloke was telling me that he'd had problems downstairs. Oh, for heaven's sake. Yeah. Hang on, is he getting some renovation work done? No, no, it was... Oh. He had...

I would have got out there and then... Yeah. What do we know? it was two men talking. And he said... Could have been worse, I suppose. I won't go into what he had, but it was below the belt. He said to me, and he was... I suppose he was about 50-odd,

and he said, so I had to go to the doctors about you. He said, of course, when I got there, he said it was a woman doctor. I said, okay. He said, I thought, oh, no. He said, and not only that, he said, how can I? He said, I've got to tell you, he said she was, you know, she was hot, he said to me. He said, don't get me wrong, I'm not being feminist. I said, I never thought that for a second.

It was a malapropism, is what it was. Yeah. So I thought it might be a good thing for people who say terrible things to say I'm not being feminist. Yeah. Just to absolutely point it out. But this bloke was trying to be all right and good. He was trying so hard. I didn't correct him.

No. Oh, no, don't correct them. No, I think it's bad form to correct people. Did she correct him? Did you get the conclusion of his medical issue? I did, but it gets darker. Does it get a bit dark? Yeah, it does.

Oh, it got darker. Oh, yeah, I think there was an emission at one point. It was quite dusky to begin with. Yeah, anyway, so that was another one of my stories. I just crossed... I'll just tick that off. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I went, here comes another, I went to the National Theatre to see... Wonderful, darling. No, I feel I should, I did go to the National Theatre to see... Wonderful, darling. No, I feel I should... I did go to the National Theatre to see Macbeth, which I loved. But I went to see... Oh, he's swimming against the tide

because it hasn't gone down well, that Macbeth. Oh, but, you know, what does that mean? Well, I know, it's like not liking Hamilton. Well, Hamilton was much loved and turned out to be hogwash. Frank is an independent thinker. I'm just saying he's swimming against the tides. I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

Some repute. Because I said that I didn't, I was upfront about not liking Hamilton, I thought if I see something I really like, I should, and I saw Network with Brian Cranston. One of my faves. Yeah.

I wasn't familiar with his work. Right, because you don't get into the box sets. You don't like the American box set. He's not in Merlin. No, that was Merlin. It was in the middle, I think. It's probably the last thing Frank will remember him in. Yes.

He did a show called Breaking Bad. Yes. Frank. See, my problem with Breaking Bad, as you know, is that you and some of the other people on this show were talking about Breaking Bad in an enthusiastic fashion. Yeah. About, did you see when he did this and when he did that?

And I said, did you see Merlin? And rather than just say, no, we don't watch Mer merlin you just laugh laugh and laugh the gottural yeah from the from the abdomen yeah that does sound like us yeah which um i did i didn't uh i didn't care for the hat okay but he was um was he good he's great yeah he's good who knew? Brian Cranston everyone we did

yeah I thought he was everyone that wasn't watching Merlin instead of Breaking Bad knew he blew me away what's he called?

Brian Cranston yeah blew me away yeah and I was thinking wouldn't it be great if they did a remake of Taxi Driver? Do you remember Taxi Driver?

Yeah. You're talking to me. I'm talking to both of you. Yeah. There's no one else here. And the main character, if you remember, was called... Travis Bickle. Travis Bickle.

So if Bryan Cranston played it, the headline in Variety would be Cranston's Bickle. Oh. Which would just make me happy. Tray bomb. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Um, I went, sorry. Well, this was just, no, you continue.

Bob from Birmingham can wait. Okay. Oh, this was just... No, you continue. Bob from Birmingham can wait. OK. Oh, I don't like Bob from Birmingham. Actually, Boz, my five-and-a-half-year-old child, said to me this week... His mother said, What do you want for your dinner? Do you just want bits and bobs? And he said, What are bobs? Oh, yeah.

And it's not a bad question. Yeah. What are they? What are they? What was she describing, bits and bobs? Oh, yeah. And it's not a bad question. Yeah. What are they? What are they? What was she describing, bits and bobs? Like a mezze? Oh, lovely. Yeah, we should have said mezze.

Then he would have known what we were talking about. That's what she meant, though. The modern children know that. Yes. They don't know the mezze. No, well, bits... Wouldn't it be better if you went to a restaurant and it said on there, bits and bobs?

Yeah. But we don't know what bobs are. Yeah. Good point. It's bits, I don't know if you remember. Did you say this when you got to the chip shop and they said, do you want bits? Well...

No. Yes. No. See, I've just took our back to chips. In Yorkshire... How did you do that? Why did you do that? In Yorkshire.

In Yorkshire, it's sometimes called scraps as well. Oh, yeah, I've heard it called scraps. Basically, it's fried fat, isn't it, and batter. Sorry, what is this? It's like a little envelope of fat in batter. It's like if you could capture a globule. It's a globule prison. Why are you trying to explain it to me?

It's like when Fergie went to newcastle it was that documentary i mean the um sarah ferguson yeah um you were about to say something on you know the bits that you know the batter that is wrapped around a piece of fish in a fish and chip shop i've seen that yeah yeah if you imagine lots of little pieces of that batter that have fallen off the and then they've sort of sieved it out. Oh, OK. It's like gravel. Yeah. It's like a misty, fatty gravel. I'm calling it the Flotsam and Jetsam.

Yes. Of the chip shop. It's high-calorie gravel. Do you know what? I've only this week had a chat about a local fish and chip shop who my wife says don't do bits and she asked why and he said, not allowed, health and safety. And I said, well, that's obviously a lie,

because other fish and chip shops still sell bits. They still sell them in Yorkshire. Well, I asked Siri this week, where there was a local nearest fish and chip shop. And Siri gave me some options. And I did some, I thanked him. Oh, did you? I said, thank you very much.

He said, it's a pleasure, as always. Oh, that's lovely. Well, he says, as always. I mean, we've had our differences in the past, I'll be honest with you. Can he feel pleasure, Siri? Oh, don't be serious. When he says... Do you think that bloke that does the voice

occasionally with his wife he'll say can I help you in messing about and she'll say oh don't be Siri wouldn't that be great do you think it wasn't a rhetorical question I don't know what you think about it oh I'm sorry yes I think it would be marvellous

is it a man or is it a computer-generated thing? Some people have a woman on their Siri. It'd be a great job, wouldn't it? I don't have Siri because I don't trust it. I don't want my phone talking to me. Well, do you think it's going to tell you it's a chip shop, but in fact you're going to be ambushed? How do we come round to chips again?

That's all we've talked about this morning. Chips, chips, chips. Great. It's all we've talked about. What. Chips, chips, chips. Great. It's all we've talked about. What about my cab driver not being feminist story? That's going to be,

I imagine we'll be hearing that again when the RAs are awarded. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You can do any one or all of those things. I see our role as sort of bits and bobs. Bits and bobs? Has anyone said what bobs are yet? Yes. OK. Yes, Frank.

Thanks. There was an inference to that question. 363 has texted, bits and bobs, wasn't that the basket on top of sewing machines? Oh, okay, yes, there is something there. Yeah, there is something there. Okay. Whether or not it's...

Bobs, okay. I mean, I don't know if it's conclusive or empirical evidence. It is one. Now you come to mention it. Whatever happens to... Yeah. Brick-a-brack. Oh, yes.

Is that still around? Brick-a-brack, yes. I haven't heard of that for a long... I don't know what that is. Is it like bits and bobs? Yeah. Yeah. It's touch goods.

Is it probably French? It's probably fine that brick is French for bits and brack is French for... Brick a brack. I didn't come out quite right there. Now listen, there's been some... Now look, there's been some big news this week, which we'll get to via an email.

OK. I like the way I'm taking over suddenly. This is from 005. He begins, the Gary Oldman fever is still going on and this week alone I've heard the do you know who his sister is no less than four times.

Twice from my own mother in the same conversation. Oh, that's the great thing about getting older. It's actually starting to make me go off Gary. So now, when I'm told this Oldman sibling information, I started telling people that you, Frank, of the real name Chris Collins, are in fact Gemma the JC Collins' uncle.

It's a total lie lie but I'm just enjoying seeing how many people buy it. So far 100%. I wish that was true. Yeah. I like the idea of her sitting in one corner in that brown dress with the shoulder pads and me sitting on it as if she were a sofa.

How about I forget it? I would love to be related to Did she sue the BBC in the end, Gemma Collins? Remember she fell down a hole? Yes, I do remember. I do remember that. And you know she didn't even get a tenner for turning up. I didn't get a tenner for turning up.

I remember her mentioning that. That's harsh indeed. Anyway. There's been a lot of big moanings. There's been a lot of big moanings. Yeah, we should say that on the show, we have a thing called Big Moment, in case you're new to the show.

Big Moment is when somebody tells you something that they think is a fact that no one else knows, but in fact it's quite known. It's known by a lot of people. Everyone knows it. And we thought the fact that Big Mo from EastEnders was Gary Oldman's sister was the classic example, but it seems a lot of people, they really didn't know.

No. Yeah. I read the thing in the Evening Standard and it says that people are surprised by this because they've got different surnames. And I thought, that's one of the reasons. Yeah. There's other stuff going on.

I like someone saying, if there's a better fact than this out there, I want to hear it. I like the saying if there's a better fact than this out there, I want to hear it. I like the idea of the league table of facts. That person needs to publicise their contact details because, I mean, there's loads of facts.

What do you think would be the number one fact? Well, one of the most disputed ones at the moment seems to be the Earth is round, doesn't it? There's quite a lot of flat earthing about. I like that that's honestly the best fact. Also, out there.

I like the idea of it being out there. Well, I think the inference is that there's quite a lot of facts that are being kept from us. And that league table you can only find on the dot net. Yes. I think we had one the other week that someone said, and that league table you can only find on the dark net yes I am I think we had one the other week

that someone said I don't know if we read it out or not someone said that Birmingham has more canals than Venice oh yeah that's one of those

that's one of those big modes very much I've got one actually but I don't know I know you're quite strict about entry requirements for this

so I won't be upset go on fire away ok I'm a bit nervous me too about entry requirements for this. So I won't be upset if it doesn't. Okay, I'm a bit nervous. Me too. Gary and Phil Neville's father being called Neville. Neville Neville. Neville Neville, yes.

I think that's a good one. Can you let that in? Thank you. I think that's a good one. But what's their dad called? Neville. Yeah, we know that. Yeah, that's the thing is to tell people.

Okay. Are you the sort of person that tells them? You'll never guess who his sister is. Big mouth from EastEnders, and they crest forward. This is a pain point for me, because I think I did that to you on air when I joined this show. Oh, did you? What was I telling you?

I think that may well have kick-started this whole thing. I think you're right. I thought it was good info. Yeah. Oh, the big mouth thing. I think you told us in tones of sort of, you know, wide-eyed, breathless revelation. I've got that in my game.

It varies between one and nine parts out of ten bore. One that I get for specific reasons, people tell me, again thinking I won't know this is that the Hawthorns, West Bromwich Albion's ground where they play is of the 92 clubs

in England and Wales it is the highest above sea level that ground. I got told that just last week by somebody. Does it? I got told that just last week by somebody. Wow. Does it still relevant? Well, I don't know.

Global warming, I don't know they keep a track on how high above sea level it is. Well, Frank, I don't know, but if there's a better fact out there than that, I want to hear it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got one email here that contains four big moments. Wow.

I know. And I think they're all on point, as they say. OK. Hi all, I have four big moments that I've come across recently that I'd like to share with you. Did you know that, one, William Shakespeare died on his birthday? Oh, yeah. Two, Jason Statham represented England as a diver at the Commonwealth Games. Oh, that's a good one.

That is very much on point. We should have a big Moe jingle, really, Frank. We should. Can you think of one, please? Mr. Moe jingle. That's the one. We've missed a Moe jingle. Three.

Let me see. What would you think is something to tide us over? Well, halfway through these. Oh, there we go, yeah. Yeah. You've got to imagine a town crier announcing them. And I imagine... It goes through me.

I can feel that in my feelings. That's like Big Mo's voice. It goes through me. I imagine... She's coming back, actually. She is. Yeah. She was up to number actually. She is. Yeah. She was up to number two on the list.

I've done two. That was the Jason Statham one. Yeah, yeah. Three, the word orange was used to describe the fruit before the colour. Yeah. Oh, no, I don't think I knew that. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't fully understand it.

Well, it was the name of the fruit and that's why. And that was it. Yeah, okay. Poor example, recently you discussed the robin red breast being orange. That's true. And that's because they used the word red. And then eventually they started going, actually, that's like those fruits that we call orange.

Is that right? Yeah. Actually, what I wouldn't mind come to think of it is if you could knit the outer area of a robin and then you could keep your oranges warming it. That would be nice. That would be absolutely lovely. The orange would fill the breast.

And thus... It would be the breast. Thus put an end to the age-old problem of an orange being too cold. Too cold on the outside. I've seen one, I get a lot of them. Which I think has plagued many of our readers' lives. No, I'll tell you what, I do do that.

If you get a stubborn orange, I can sometimes hurt... You know that piece of flesh where your fingernail joins your thumb? Oh, let me just have a look. I can do... Oh, yeah. You know, at the top, I can... I know. I sometimes really stretch that trying to get orange peel off

and then I don't really enjoy the orange. Right. I'll be straight with you. Okay. Anyway, where were we up to? Number three. We were on number four. Last one.

Capital of Vatican City is Vatican City. Yes. Well, Frank will know that. I don't think that one. I think that's quite known but told to people. He doesn't like it when it's his manner. Can't make jokes about his manner. Yes.

I'm not letting that one in. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, the Oscars. Oh, yeah. It's not... It's gone a... It's a bit like the Labour Party conference

with a little bit of cleavage nowadays. That's about it, isn't it? It's not the fun... It doesn't seem like the fun event it used to be. What happens to thank you to my agent? No, they don't do that anymore. They don't do no business like show business and the academy. It's all good courses, but can't they do it in a cafe?

They could do it in a function room of a hotel. They should do it in a conference centre. Well, it probably is a conference centre, but it should have more of that. But you know what I mean? It doesn't have... It's not very bouncy nowadays. No. No.

Frances McDormand had her statue. It went AWOL, shall we say. She was separated from her gong, yes. Her Oscar. Oh, yeah. The Oscar statue. There's rumours that it was stolen

and then returned and then there was somebody arrested and questioned about it. But it had already been engraved at the point of stealing and all being liberated,

whatever. What a bloke. Stole it and then engraved it. It had already been engraved with her name which is the wrong time to pinch it.

Why is it Kilroy was here? I thought it all looked a bit sort of, yeah, makeshift. She was queuing up in this big £25,000 Valentino gown to have her Oscar engraved. Is that how much that gown was? She was at Timpsons. We had to queue up to get it engraved.

Well, she was standing at this weird booth to get it engraved. I thought that seemed very... Really? ...highly irregular. Yeah, so it's about £20,000, that dress. I wouldn weird booth to get it engraved. I thought that seemed very highly irregular. Yes, it's about 20 grand, that dress. I wouldn't want to be the one. Valentino's collection. I should tell her that. Imagine that. Excuse me, Mrs. McDormand. You've got to go and

queue up. All right. All right. I don't make the rules. So I imagine I would go. She was crying emotionally, it said. Crying emotionally? That's what it said in that she was crying. That's how actors are so stunned that someone's crying emotionally, it said. Crying emotionally? That's what it said in the... She was just crying. That's how actors... Actors are so stunned

that someone's crying emotionally. They actually note it as opposed to just crying in a professional capacity. I liked it. She said, apparently, of the man who said she'd stolen it... Well, he's been charged, hasn't he?

He has. He's been charged for, what is it, grand felony of a possession worth over $950. Can I ask a question? Do we have felonies in the UK? Oh, good question. Text in, 81215. I only ever hear the word felony when...

It sounds very glamorous, doesn't it? I think the Spice Girls, weren't they involved? Oh, no, that was Melanie. But there were... I've never heard of anyone in this country charged with a felony. And I like it because it's got the word felon in it. Yeah. And it's like they're saying

they're a bit, you know, a felon is a crook and so they look a bit felony is what it's saying. Yeah. Well, it's a bit felony. So we'll charge you. Like it would be crooky, I suppose. I suppose so. Yeah. Smart crooky.

I like that. No, I'd love to know that. Felony. Yeah. It's like, do you remember years ago I asked if people jumped out of houses into firemen carrying, holding those things. Oh, yes. That's only in America.

Look at what an angry. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I wonder if felonies is the same. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, we'll find out about that. Oh, definitely. I'm looking forward to it. $950 for an Oscar, though.

I mean, Paul Cattermole sold his Brit for about 74k. Surely the Oscars have got to be worth... What would an Oscar be the going rate for that? I have an answer to that. They must have sold Oscars. Well, they have been sold, but there's a law that the... The law.

There's a law that... You're not going to tell me it's a felony. It's not your possession, is it? The Academy can buy it. They have a legal right to buy it back off you for a dollar. Because Steven Spielberg bought two, like, ridiculously expensive. One are Clark Gables and one for Gone With The Wind. He bought them.

Hasn't he got enough? They were both like half a million each or something. And then he gave it back to the Academy. I mean, you could just imagine that. Why on earth did he do that, the idiot? I know. What's he done so much? How to get an Oscar?

Buy the Academy two Oscars. Yeah. And, you know, just so you're really in with them. Yeah. What a thing to do. Really idiotic. Half a million quid and then give it

to the Academy for, I hope he got his dollar. Yeah. It's a bit like chatting to somebody in Wetherspoons about this now. Why would you do that?

I like the idea of Steven Spielberg, the idiot. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. On this criteria, Frank's right, he is an idiot. I mean, that is really stupid.

It's a bit people buying Twitter followers, isn't it? And you said Clark Gable and one from Gone With The Wind, but Clark Gable was in Gone With The Wind. I think it might have been like a best actor and a film. Calm down, dear. Yeah, Spielberg. Spielberg. Spielberg. Or like it.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. 529 has texted, good morning all, it's only a felony in America because they're a federal state. Oh, I see. And then he adds, Johnny B. Goode, not a trained barrister.

So whether or not we take his word as gospel, I think... This is from Johnny B. Goode. Yeah. Who is American. Yeah. Yes, OK. Well, he obviously does. I seem to remember he'd carry his guitar in a gony sack.

If Johnny Cochran is listening, he got OJ off, didn't he? So he probably knows about felonies. I think he's no longer with us, but I may be... Oh, I am so sorry to the family. The Cochran family. The Cochran family, yeah. That may be incorrect. Eddie Cochran as well, no longer with us.

Yeah. We could do that. We could do all the Cochrans that are no longer with us. Ted Cochran's. Don't start me on the Deans. We've got to do one a week. One a week until, obviously, you're the punchline. Yeah.

That could be a long haul. We'll see. Meanwhile, over at the Academy Awards, Frances McDormand... She dominated, didn't she?and She dominated. 20 grand dress. 20 grand dress and coincidentally, in a neat coincidence his bail was set

at 20 grand. I bet he wishes he'd stolen the dress then. So she could as a gesture, just take the dress into the police station and he'd be out. I don't know if that's what he actually had to hand over. That's what they said would be in line with that offence.

Which, is it really an offence? I mean, it's not great. To steal someone's Oscar. Well, he didn't steal it. If someone took our Best Speech Programme Perspex Award and had posed with it, quite why they do this, I don't know. But if they'd made a video on Facebook and had posted it up there, I don't think...

I mean, I would have been very sad if they'd gone to prison for that. Or if they'd have been arrested. She was forced to say, let him go. In a bit, God's released him. I should have been too busy getting all the Catholics that had been nominated that night to stand up in the audience.

Busy getting all the Catholics that had been nominated that night to stand up in the audience. Well, he didn't take it away, then? No, he was apprehended by... Notice I'm speaking like a cop at her event. He was apprehended by a photographer, I believe, who said, hang on a minute, that's not yours. So, you know, well done. I like the idea that he was a pharmacist

and he'd lost his mortar, his pestle and mortar, when they found him. You know, they always sit like this. It's like the bowl's slightly under the arm. Like they've got the bowl in their head like... with the head of the Oscar. Grinding up some cochineal or something of that that'd be more of a painting thing but you know what i mean oh i'd love i'd love if he'd used it in a pestle

and mortar but that's a good thing for his defense attorney he can use that excuse yeah great what would you have done with what if he said i've got a drug problem, I can't help myself? And it was very... The last lot I bought was very lumpy. Right. And in desperation, I took the Oscar so I could put it in a pestle and mortar and make it something I could take intravenously. I like the idea of someone with a serious drug problem saying, I can't help myself, in a sort of Frank Spencer way.

The best thing for my drug problem is for me to go to the Oscars. Remember, he's in court trying to win over the judge and jury, so he's playing it sweet, you know, because he doesn't want to let him into the... You know, you don't want to see the rubber around the wrist. He doesn't want to go Louis Theroux Doc on him. No, no, he's being light-hearted about it. I can imagine him miming the Pastel Amor

like he was whisking up a nice cake. Yeah. With a thing. Yeah. Anyway, if he's listening, he can have that as a defence with my blessing for his felony. Good of you.

Sorry, but occasionally I find this show funny as well. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you see that Selma Haq had a foot massage at the Oscars? Yes, I loved that. She's the Oscars. I love that. She's my spirit animal. I do that. I don't have the foot massage at the Oscars,

but the minute I go to any awards ceremony, the first thing I do is take my shoes off under the table. Oh, OK. I mean, why would I waste that pain on nobody? No-one's seeing my feet under there. No, I'm all for it. When I was at the Brits, I had one of those Japanese fish pedicures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's all right. You don't leave them in too long. Just take out and it's just skeletal. It was a bit of an idiotic eureka moment for me that all these years I've been sitting there in these uncomfortable... Oh, I just hit the microphone

but I just thought now I'm not doing this anymore but when you're sitting are uncomfortable shoes still uncomfortable when you're sitting yes of course they are yes well I'll go to a hat house I thought I'm going to make a generalisation

about women here so it's been great working with you but I thought women sort I'm going to make a generalisation about women here. So it's been great working with you. OK. But I thought women sort of accept a certain amount of red blister on the heel, plasters kind of thing. Of course, yeah. Outrageous.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But why would you do that in silence, in darkness under the table? Do you see, dear? Yes, I haven't been asked that for a few years. Yeah, well, I wondered if it was the bloke who was after Francis McDormand. He was just souvenir hunting.

Crawling around. Selma Hayek's feet. I mean, that'd get you a few bob on the internet if you could get one of them. Yes, true. Some people would pay big money. She's got a petite foot. I bet she does.

What size is Salma Hayek? 8, 12, 15? I'm going size 3. She's a man's 13. 3? Well, that's my size. Same as me. No, not 3.

2.5 slash 3. I googled it. She's a man's 13. She's shaped like an L. Is she really? She, very hard for her to fall forwards.

Kate Winslet, 9 and a half. Yeah. Can't watch telly in bed. No. It was a weird thing. I didn't like this story about a foot massage. Did you not?

I think it may be the exact moment in history that I developed an ickiness about feet. Because when she was boasting, like, oh, my husband gave me a foot massage. Oh, it was her husband. I thought just somebody had said, do you fancy a foot massage? Some random.

I thought it was, like, one of the, you know, the services at the Oscars. I mean, I think there is an age gap in the relationship. The husband looks like he's got a few more miles on the clock than her. That's shocking in Hollywood, isn't it? It isn't. I've never heard of that before.

Who'd have thought that? He's probably got an ickiness about feet and she's gone, can you rub my feet? And he's gone, yep, all right, fine. If it keeps this going. How old are we talking, the Hayek? Old man Hayek. I think he looks...

Henri-Francois Pinot, I believe his name is. Well, I believe he's head of Louis Vuitton, the house of Louis Vuitton. He's his new role then. I believe the house is of Louis Vuitton, the house of Louis Vuitton. He's as well. I believe the house is actually called LVMH. I might have just been trying to change her shoes. I really wanted you to tell me he was an unemployed fitter. And that she'd just met him and fallen in love and said,

you know, I've got money, we'll be fine. He's got bags. If you need a bag, he's your man. He's got bags, yeah. He should have put some pile cream on them. Is she Mexican? She is, yes. He's lucky he got her before the war went on.

It's going to make it a lot trickier dating. We're talking about Selma Hayek's foot massage. Oh, yeah, and you found it a bit creepy. Yeah, I think I looked a bit like that green face emoji that's quite popular, isn't it? I haven't seen it. It's sort of the about, I think it's about to be sick one. Oh, it's that one, OK.

I'll say that one, I haven't seen it. One of my hobbies is acting out emojis and gifs at the moment. Is that true? Yeah. What gifs do you do? Like a shaky, this is very visual isn't it? Very visual. Oh, I like it, I like it. Like a wagging finger for the

people that can't see it. I do two hands raised like I need to praise you. I sometimes do the face slaps one think we've been on air long enough now for people to just trust us. Yeah. We're the visuals. I understand we've got a... Correzione!

Oh, is it? I'm not sure. Olé, olé, olé. It's from Nugget. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And that's quite a, you know, when you get a Correzione from Nugget, and it's about fashion that's quite a, you know, when you get a correction from Nugget

and it's about fashion. He's a sure regular, I would say. A correction, Pino is not the head of LVMH. That's Bernard Arnault, the richest man in France.

I thought with your fashion background you would have known that. Oh, be careful. Yeah. He said, I've got my Arnault and my Pino mixed up.

They're actually great rivals. They're great rivals. Well, I don't want to go into my Pinot mixed up. They're actually great rivals. He says they're great rivals. Well, I don't want to go into the semantics of this, but, you know, OK, I'm going to let you have that nugget. You don't sound entirely convinced. No, I'm going to let you have it. It's fine. You think he's splitting hairs a little? No, it's fine.

They're two different people, to be fair. Yeah. He's not chicken nugget. Take it every day so you win let's clear up who's Old Man Hayek

so there's Old Man Hayek is Pinot Henri is it Francois Henri or Henri Francois Henri Francois Pinot

and the fashion conglomerate he currently owns yes is Yves Saint Laurent Gucci Stella McCartney. Do they make loves?

They all merge and they change all the time. And the one that Arnaud currently is head of is LVMH. There you go. So you've just got the wrong brand. And he's the richest man in... I mean, I dare say if the richest man in France had said to Selma, can I get the other foot, she'd have said, go for it. But they've both got a lot of money and they're both in fashion. Yeah. man in France had said to Selma Hayek can I get the other foot she'd have said go for it yeah but I could be wrong

but they've both got a lot of money and they're both in fashion yeah easy mistake to make her I would say I like that Joe Dolce

is that your Selma Hayek impression wouldn't it be more hey what you doing with my foot that kind of thing yeah something like that

yeah and then she'd have done his hat in some sort sounded a bit like Abbott and Costello when you said that what you it on my foot yeah that kind of thing something like that yeah and then she'd have done his hat in some sort like Abbott and Costello when you said that what are you doing with my foot

if she'd have won of course I think did she win one I love that Frida Kahlo film she won one for growing the eyebrows

together did she did she yeah but apparently the name of the film she shot

23 holes into the ceiling of the auditorium when it was announced. Really? You know, like that. I mean, it was, you know, things had gone out of hand, if you ask me.

And people don't, let's face it. I haven't been asked a question about Selma Hayek's behaviour for... Ever. Never, never ever. Even old man Hayek, now he just, you know, he cleans up his own backyard, so to speak. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We established earlier on that I don't use Siri because I'm ever so slightly terrified thereof. What do you think will happen? I don't know.

But basically the rise of the technological robots and baddies taking over the world. Well, you know you get this thing where they keep a record of what you've sort of looked up and stuff like that. Oh, I don't like that. So Kindle, say to me, recommended for you and then give me some books.

Yeah. They're a bit like books I've already If you like this I worry about that. You'll like this I once placed an order on Amazon towards the end of last year for the new LCD sound system album, a game

cookbook written by Norman Tebbit and a motorcycle cover and I thought this has probably broken the algorithm. I don't know what they're going to recommend to me from this evidence. I think this guy might have just bought everything else that we sell, and these are the last three things.

He's just making it... I mean, I don't know what they're going to offer. Anyway... We had a thing on Room 101 where they were selling baseball bats. I think it was on last night's actually. Aluminium baseball bats. And it said people who bought this also

bought. And the first thing was obviously a baseball. And the second one was a full face balaclava. That's a worry. That is a worry. But not only do I not use Siri, I don't use Alexa. Is it Alexa, the Amazon thing? Now, I've got to tell you...

It's the Amazon voice assistant. I hadn't heard of Alexa until this week. Oh, this is a news story. I had no idea it existed. Well, there is a bit of me that wonders if they've put this fault in on purpose to get everybody to hear about it through the medium of the news. Oh, there is a bit of me that wonders if they've put this fault in on purpose to get everybody to hear about it through the medium of the news. Oh, ka-ching. Well, let's say what

the fault is, please. Oh, could it be Alexa ka-chong? Oh, very good. Oh, lovely, Frank. Very good. There is a fault with Alexa, which is that occasionally... We should say there might be other people like me out there. What is Alexa? Alexa is like a home... I'm pretending I want you to tell them.

I actually want you to tell me. It's like when he asked us what Netflix was. It's a voice-controlled home entertainment and home gadget control device. Is that what we would say? I'm calling it... OK, let's have that. Or we could do a voice assistant.

So it's like... Available from Amazon. Yeah, but a voice assistant. And you can rig it up so that you can say, oh, Alexa Make the bed. Yeah, put the kettle on. So I might say turn the music down. For example, apologies for the name dropping, but it's

just you're going to have to deal with it with me. Jonathan Ross has one. He has one wall mounted. Of course, he was one of the first to have one, I think. But I'll say, oh, how long does it take to get there? I'll Google it. And he'll say, no, no, no, I'll go and ask Alexa. And then by the time he's got back,

of course, I've done it. Right. But it's this idea that, yeah, it's helpful. But it does stuff as well. So it's an assistant. Yeah. It wouldn't really put the kettle on. You use that as a comical example.

No, I think it would if you had a smart kettle. If you had everything set up to it, it could do all sorts. If everything was smart, yeah. Put the kettle on. Put the tumble dryer on. Put the heating on. Put the tumble dryer on. If you had a smart tumble dryer.

Would it moan about you watching Doctor Who? I wonder. I'm working out something here in my mind. I wonder. Okay. But we are already getting people texting in, I'm sorry, this is breaking news. For example, Penguinland, hello there,

says, do you know saying Alexa sets it off? Can you stop saying it? Oh. Alexa. No, stop. Sorry. Stop saying Alexa. At Penguinland, they're probably all being fed

every time we say it. Alexa's chucking on more fish. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you what worries me, is that I must have told you when I had the sound-operated bedside lamp. No. Oh, maybe. Is this in your blue period? Yes, it's when you'd lie in bed and read,

and if you just went, click your fingers, the lamp would go off. And if you got up in the night for any reason, it would come again. I thought it was in the shape of a football, I remember. I thought, this is the future. How can I put this? On the first night I had it, at one point in the evening, I broke wind with alarming ferocity. And the light came on.

And I felt like it was reprimanding me. It was like the emission was so dense, it actually qualified as an intruder. I'll never ever mention I hate this as a topic I know you know it upsets me

I can see how torn you are between your hatred of the topic and the fact you think it's a funny story I mean this is actually me making my pitch for the breakfast show

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Yeah, so Alexa we're talking about. Have we described what the glitch is? Yeah, an assistance. No, we haven't really described the glitch.

The glitch is that occasionally Alexa, even when... Can we stop saying Alexa so much? I'm feeling sorry for the people who... Why, you think... Because they might be... It's activating their Alexa. The penguins. I don't think me saying Alexa would be activating their Alexa.

Penguin Land just told us. We had breaking news from Penguin Land. I think they call it the Antarctic. Surely there's some voice recognition. Now, someone will say, phone in and text in and say there are no penguins it the Antarctic. Surely there's some voice recognition. Now, someone will say, phone in and text in and say there are no penguins in the Antarctic. Why doesn't David Attenborough call it Penguin Land? I'd watch it much more then.

It'd be more accessible, wouldn't it? Just help us out. I mean, Greenland, that's a life for a start-off. Iceland, fair enough. Got it right. Yeah, pretty much. It occasionally just bursts into laughter the gadgets

yeah the gadget we've described have you heard it I have heard it but it said it described it as witch-like

laughter I don't like it I'll be able to do that then she went I think yeah it's a bit like

well I think it's actually it's an elder lady laugh it's not a witch laugh it's an bit like... No, it's because... Well, I think that's... It's actually... It's an elder lady laugh. It's not a witch laugh. It's an elder lady laugh. Yeah. I could tell because I actually found it quite arousing.

Yeah, I thought, oh, baby. Oh, baby. Couldn't have that going off regularly around the house. When you see the advert for the walking bath. My nerves would be frazzled. Oh, yeah. Walking bath advert. Well, people are upset.

One man said he was having an office conversation about what he described. He's got his walking bath advert with him. He carries it around with him. I carry it everywhere. It's like your sweetheart that you keep in your wallet.

Like he's away at war or something. Yeah, I think you said Betty Grable on the locker. She's got a yellow ribbon. Betty Grable? Like she's away at war or something. Yeah, and they used to have Betty Greibel on the locker. She's got a yellow ribbon. Betty Greibel, was she the one who... Stephen Spielberg. That's a clock game. Stephen Spielberg, idiot.

Yeah. How many years? Stephen Spielberg. Anyway, one... Real book. One man said he was having... Oh, I love it. One man said he was having... Oh, I love it, one man said. I know.

One man said he was having an office conversation about, I quote, pretty confidential stuff. Right, OK. And Alexa started laughing in the background. They shouldn't really have Alexa turned on at GCHQ, should they? But that could play havoc with your life. What if, with the Alexa laugh, imagine if her mum was breaking up with you over

the phone and you heard a woman going, ha ha ha ha, oh that happened to me once. What if it's more, ha ha ha ha, then she'd definitely, yeah. What if you've got Alexa set up in every room of the house and you're just about to have, let's just say a night in, like if you're undressing

to get into bed and then ha ha ha ha. Well, that's not going to bode well for future events, is it? I don't know about you, I'll take my laughs where I can get them. She's my dream partner. She's laughing. She doesn't moan about watching Doctor Who. She'll put the washing on and stuff, do

the housework. And she laughs at random stuff. You love Alexa. And she sounds about 70. She's perfect for me. Will it be a person? Will there be, we had this conversation earlier about Siri. Will it be the voice of a person or

will it be a conglomeration of neurons? It won't be Chong. Does Alexa Chong's boyfriend have Alexa? That'll be confusing. Isn't he the second richest man in France? Nugget sent me an apology via his daughter. Oh. By his daughter?

What, did she arrive on horseback? No. They're on their way to gymnastics. It's complicated. Emily unwrapping that scroll. They're on their way to... Okay. There's lots of stuff from parents

who are on their way to sporting things with their kids. It's a standard. It's good. The whole of Britain on a Saturday and Sunday morning, his parents taking kids to events. Penguinland's been in touch again. Oh yeah? Stop saying it. The Antarctic? Yeah. Stop saying Penguinland.

That's my advice. Where is Penguinland? Have they mentioned that in their missile? I'm going to check it out. Let me get my Atlas. Yeah. I don't think it'll be named like that but it might be in... Ah, Siri!

Shall I do it now? Yeah, go on. Yeah. I don't think it will be named like that, but it might be in... Ah, Siri. Yeah. Shall I do it now? Yeah, go on. Okay. Come on, Siri. Don't let me down. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Do you mean that's what I thought? I mean, that's the only thing that... Here we go. Bear with me. Where is Penguinland, Siri? I couldn't find any matching places. Well, it didn't sound like you took that long over it. Who, me? Well, yes, Penguin Land is definitely a place. Could you tell me where it is, please? What kind of businesses are you looking for?

Well, the clue's in the title, in my opinion. It's a wildlife flightless bird specialist area. Maybe you didn't get that. Who, me? Yes. Penguinland, could you have a look, please? That's what I thought. Brilliant.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We, um, yes, we were talking... About Alexa.

About Alexa, the talking home help. And you called Siri live. Is that what she used to talk in? Home help. I think they'd... Personal assistant a moment ago. I put Frank's to do the home help. Meals on wheels from Alexa. Home help Personal assistant a moment ago I think most home helps Meals on wheels

Can you still get meals on wheels Is that still a thing Brilliant I You didn't have much joy with Siri No I don't know if it's That's what I thought

I had a toaster. Congratulations. I got rid of my toaster because... You know that classic childhood fear? If you get out of bed in the night, a hand will come from under the bed and grab you by the bare ankle. Yeah. Yes.

I had a toaster that wouldn't let the toast out. So there was like there was something at the bottom that was holding the toast in. Oh, holding its legs. I used to tussle with it. A bit grabby on the bread. You have to keep... There must have been some bit of metal. So bread you have to keep there must have been

some bit of metal so I'd have to press it down again to get it to open and then take it out while it was still red and that's

did you ever discover what it was it was just something wrong with the mechanism in the end I got rid of it I didn't want to go I wasn't going to go

down there no it was just a needy toaster no way Jose that's what Iy toaster. No way, Jose. That's what I said to myself. Or no way, Jose. I was talking to Jose Mourinho, obviously. Yeah.

Yeah. So you're definitely not, you've got Siri, but you would never get Alexa. I don't never, I never say never. I bet Alexa was called Alex originally when they had an emergency meeting

and said we were going to have to come and do this. Yeah. Yeah. I'm surprised they didn't go the other way, with the idea that it's an assistant. Oh, we can't call an assistant. No, and I bet they've got all, but they've got the male voice.

I bet it had a male voice, and then he said, well, we'll have to get someone. There's an old lady who lives next door to me. And there's always strange smells of frog. She's absolutely fine, but she's got a maniacal laugh. But other than that, it would be flawless. Yeah, and the broomstick. Yeah, but I'll ask her.

Yes, my sweet. I wonder if you could do a voiceover for me. Oh, sure. What are your rates? I love the old lady, you're aware of rates. If you looked her up in which voiceovers, the popular magazine, that was a lot of misunderstanding.

Do you subscribe to that, Al? I get various periodicals. Do you do voiceovers? No, I'm available, though. Oh, are you? Do you, Frank? Anyone's asking? No, I try not to

you find it increases your self-loathing don't you well ever since the exchange in March don't know where to start days don't know where to start? exchange in March? obviously can you not say obviously?

I'm just trying to get it no but can you not say that just stick to the script is this a thing that happened to you yes that was the other way around Frank did Exchange and Mark I must have told you this

so I said okay don't know where to start Exchange and Mark the guy said come round I said just a minute he'd come into the box where I was doing it he said look remember

these are people you know all about Exchange and Mark you know what it's got to offer these people they don, they don't. They don't know where to... You're not being helpful. You're outraged.

And he said, give it me. So I said, okay. Don't know where to... It's no more. Give me more. It's good. Don't know where to start. I'm sorry.

And he said, hold on to that. Hold on to that rage. Just take it down. Just take it down. Just take it down a bit. A bit more. Just come down a bit more. Don't know where to stop. Lovely.

We got it. It's in the can. Three and a half hours. Sweating, sweating, dripping off me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still talking about Alexa Stop saying it I'm doing it to be evil now

Penguins now have been beheaded by a machine that's supposed to just count them What do you make of those on the technology front What do you make of those robot on the technology front, what do you make of those robot vacuums? Because they frighten me. Robot vacuums? Have you seen them?

Again, I haven't seen them. The robotic cleaners. The ones that go around cleaning people's floors. I'll tell you what they look like. They're little discs that spin around. They look like one of the less successful Star Wars characters. Oh, yeah. The sort of Binks characters.

Is it called a floor bug or something like that? I believe they're called robot vacuum cleaners, but let's go floor bug. I like that. Okay. I like the RVC. Thank you for accommodating me. I've got an RVC.

Yeah. Yeah. You program them, and then they just do their thing. But they look evil. There's something dark and evil about them. I used to like those robots in Yo Sushi that you spin the drinks around. Do you remember those?

Oh, I miss those robots. Oh, I don't know if I know about those. They just pour the the drinks around. Oh, I miss those robots. Oh, I don't know if I know about those. They just pour the drinks to you? Oh, everyone's talking about them. Robots. The robots in Yo Sushi that you spin the drinks around. That's the hot thing at the moment. I think it might be trending.

I don't think there's anything hot in Yo Sushi, is there? Well, there's a hot menu. Oh, I've made a fool of myself. You have. I'm embarrassed on your behalf. I thought I was being clever. well you could as a hot menu oh I've made a fool of myself you have I'm embarrassed on your behalf I thought I was being clever

yes alright no need to lose your tempura you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio oh yes so

yes I wondered if it could just be a thing to publicise this gadget because... Oh, do you think so? Well, is it generally heard of, would you say? I think there's a lot of people that haven't heard of Alexa. Oops, I'm not saying it again. Don't you stop saying it. Penguinland's going to get upset with us.

You'd think Penguinland would tell me where Penguinland is in a van out of Siri. Yeah. I don't know. Is it in the Siri aisles? That was rubbish. I liked it. Don't laugh at that.

No, I'm embarrassed. Hang on. I tried to grab it as it left my mouth. You can start saying don't laugh at that. It's not fair. No. What if we are already? Well, then, obviously, that's all right.

I don't like the gadgets that nag you. I don't like it when the fridge beeps if you leave the door open for too long. There's no way to talk about the missus. No. My wife put in some reminders into my phone somehow. My son used to go to judo. So now every Thursday my phone will say, oh, judo. He hasn't been going for about three years, but my phone's still telling me that he goes but you're always happy to do a bit of

judo if asked i i mean i'm pro it but any excuse to get on the mat i love the mat but the tatami as it's no i don't really do judo by the way but. But anyway. But I just don't like these gadgets constantly. That's why I haven't got Alexa or Siri, in case they just start telling me stuff that lasts forever. I've got a Fitbit. It's always nagging me about stuff. I don't like the idea of that. Let's stroll, it says to me.

Feed me, it says. It means with steps. Really? Yeah. And then it'll say, oh, it's coming off now. It's somebody feed me. Does it? It says, yeah. It means with steps. Really? Yeah. And then it'll say, oh, it's coming off now. It's somebody calling me. It also tells me if somebody's calling me on my phone. I don't like it.

I tried one. I can't remember what happened, but it activated. I think it was Siri. It suddenly said, call George Lamb. Well, I didn't want to be calling George Lamb. It was embarrassing. It's an odd, random name for you to come up with. But it started calling him. That's what I don't want to be calling George Lamb it was embarrassing it's an odd random name for you to come up with so they started calling him

that's what I don't like about those gadgets if I was George Lamb I'd phone him up and say can you take my name off it's a generic message that's coming out was there a bit of you that was worried that Siri had read your mind that you'd actually considered calling George Lamb and you just hadn't

well I'd just like to be prepared if I was going to call George Lamb and you just hadn't, like, it wasn't in... Well, I'd just like to be prepared if I was going to call George Lamb. I think I... What am I going to say to him? Yeah. I'd call George Lamb in a case like that. You do? I am the sort of person who, I'm fairly obedient.

Right. Oh, do you? Okay. Yeah. I don't think I've ever in my life had an after-oat mint before I took it. Oh, that is a real shame, because they are delicious. No, that's it. I would have been great in an authoritarian state.

Right. I just, if don't be... Your love of Russia. I just do what I'm told, basically. I love that about you. Yeah, very popular in the SNF community. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. See, you may remember last week I was talking about, I was off to Watford, West Brom, with a man I'd never met before in my life. Yes, you'd met him on Grindr, hadn't you? No. Oh, OK. It wasn't him. Oh, it was the other guy, sorry.

It wasn't him. Yeah. He, this guy is a builder who Kath has been in negotiations with, I believe. Mm-hmm. And so he turned up at my house. I said, I've never met... Make your flat what you will. We're saying nothing. I'd never, I'm very trusting.

I met him. I know. So I just met him he just came to my door and he said let's go it's like a very genial kidnapping

yes if you can imagine that so we got in the car and off we went to Watford how was the first hour conversation flow well we talked about football

oh men together on the way to a football match we were ok with that then we talked about building great ok but then I met his ten friends right And our men together on the way to a football match, we were okay with that. Then we talked a bit about building. Great. But then I met his ten friends.

Right. Because we were in the hospitality at Watford. Lovely. And I'll tell you what, a man came round carrying what looked like a paddle, a wooden paddle. Okay. And I thought maybe you could win a kayak.

Yeah. You know, they have all sorts of competitions going on. Uh-huh. And when he got close, there was meat pies on it. He was carrying meat pies on a wooden paddle. Yeah. So I thought, well, this is it. So I had about four of those.

And then... He loves a freebie. Oh, yeah. And then the samosas came round on another paddle you know the Samosas still sticking with the paddle yeah I think in

in Dad's army if if the fleeing British troops had gone to the coast of India instead of back home it would have been

Samosas that bobbed out off the coast at the Nazis do you think back me up yeah okay so that bobbed out off the coast at the Nazis. What do you think? Back me up. Yeah.

Okay, so anyway, so I had that. And then one of the guys said, I think the food's going to be served in a minute. So these were like, I don't know what the meat pies off a paddle was some sort of... Canape. Yeah, it was like, exactly. It was like a meat ramp onto the meal. So then I went and got like, you know, roast dinner.

No. I mean, I was starting to sweat. It was your can of pay hell, Frank. It was... Sounds great. It was free. I mean, when I said these meat pies, they weren't full.

They were, you know, an individual pork pie. Yeah. A mini pork pie, yeah. No, I mean a pork pie that's quite idiosyncratic. Oh, okay. It's got its own, a bit of a loose cannon. Yes, a maverick. Novelty shock.

You know, even so, four of them is a lot. But he was great. And did you get on with him? I did. He was a really nice bloke. What's he driving? What is he driving? Range Rover.

Wow. That's a nice friend for you, Frank. Yeah, well. And, but it was quite... Doing very well in the building care. I'll tell you what it was, is they were, I mean, it was all blokes on the table. And there was no lewd, there was no lewd conversation,

but there was a lot of... More blokes and a load of pork pies, 1973. I know. And Watford Westbrook. Yeah. I mean, but there was a, they were, one bloke went went for

to the toilet and they took 200 photographs on his phone just of the table it was a bit like 200 yeah

wow so and the guy I was with told me that he went and left his gloves on the table and when he come back the fingers were full

of sugar lumps oh so it was what a sort of prank prankster so I was going fully clothed and when he'd come back, the fingers were full of sugar lumps. Oh, what a sort of prank. So I was going fully clothed with puffer hats, scarf and everything on for a wee. I was sweating. I'd already had four meals. I had all my outdoor clothes on.

But no, it was actually, it was lovely. I liked them. Oh, he's got some new friends. I mean, you with your show business life to have then gone to a Watford football game and thought the hospitality was worth discussing is amazing. It was great, the hospitality. And I met the Albion chairman was there. I hadn't heard with him.

Luther Blissy, I chatted to him. And off-duty Harry Hornet, the mascot who came for a pie after. Oh, nice. Head off, costume on. No, no costume. Oh, right. Oh, okay, taking it off. He had to tell me who he was.

I wouldn't have. Yeah. I mean, they keep a low profile, the non-uniform mascots. I think it's fair to say. I'm glad you've got a nice new friend. Well, it was a lovely day out, actually, except we lost, of course.

Yeah. But, you know, the parking will be a lot easier next season. Free pork pies. Yeah, that's true. I'm really grateful that you listened this morning. There were parts where I thought, I'm not going to carry on listening to this, but you stuck with it.

And I appreciate it. I didn't mind it today, I thought it was alright. I liked it. Yeah, there were bits I liked. We all could review it. What was your best bit, do you think? Which bit did you enjoy most? What was the bit that we compared to the ballet link? I know I liked it when Al talked about chips.

A chips link. I ended up liking that oddly. What was your favourite? I liked having Siri on. about chips I ended up liking that oddly I like having Siri on I enjoyed that as well he's the first guest we've had on he's the only guest we'll ever have I don't know we might have Alexa on

it would be great if I get off with her so anyway if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise It would be great if I'd get off with her. So anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

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