The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Black Chicken

Episode Date: October 13, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun return with a mint based mystery, Royal Wedding thoughts and some insect food news. Also this week, to Frank's horror Buzz reveals what Football team he supports, spoiler alert - it's not West Brom.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Emily Dean. Oh, lovely! Sorry, I usually have a list to read it off, which I haven't been given this morning. Thank you. What a start. It's a bit like I love you. If you have to ask, it doesn't count. Yes, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with

Emily Dean and Alan Cocker. I'm glad we cleared that up. Text the show on 81215. Please follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio if you will and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Worst possible start.

Yeah, but on the plus side, you said if you will and I'm always happy with an if you will. Yeah, well, there you go. I'm not sure it's the worst possible start. I think we've done worse. I think we've probably

done worse. And we will do worse. Probably. Well, M.H. Whittington, yes, I said H. Oh, Hartley. Is saying, whatever happened to Frank

calling the Absolute Radio website Webby? Every time I hope for this little nugget of gold. Oh, sorry, I missed my opportunity this week, but should the list with the details be passed to me later in the show? This is going to be one of those

rows, isn't it? What time did I just, for you, MH? One of those marital rows. Yeah, it's like when you didn't load the dishwasher. Yeah. That's what it is see dishwashers are meant to solve problems aren't they because they do create them you're right yeah but loading it is actually great i love loading it on loading it oh do you prefer i agree with you that moment when you open the front is when you get that if you got your glasses on oh i love

lovely yeah yeah but it but it's got... What's in those tablets? Oh, I wish I'd asked myself that back in the 90s. 8.15, yeah. Well, you came through it. Yeah, I know. We've had various text messages and emails in... That's nice, isn't it?

...praising you, which we don't read, do we? No, we don't read those, but thank you. Anyone who's praised me, thank you. You know, because you're treading the boards again. Yes. So we'll ignore those. Not ignore, but gratefully dignified. Yeah, I'm in the British skateboard championship

at Melt Mowbray. That's a very good... That's where they'd be. Isn't that where they'd be? Yeah. Yeah, probably. They'd be somewhere like that. Like referees always used to come from places with two names.

They always came from, well, Milton Mowbray would be an obvious example. Yeah. Little Gidding. Newton Heath and stuff like that. Yeah, they didn't come from... People in cities don't want to be football officials. They've got bigger ideas.

You're right. They want to be footballers and managers. What's ideas. You're right. They want to be footballers and managers. What's your favourite skateboarding trick when you do the tricks? I've never skateboarded in my life. I miss them, really. I was too old by the time they came out. I know that doesn't bother some people I see going around

in their 50s on scooters. They look ridiculous. And people on scooters. Well, I sort of respect them. Really? Yeah. My bones now are like an on scooters. Well, I sort of respect them. Really? Yeah. My bones now are like an arrow. If I fell, I'd just powder up. I'd just crumble. I love that you respect them.

I'll give you Tim Westwood's number. You'll probably get on with him. Does he skateboard? No, but I think he likes... He's of that ilk. Yeah. He likes youthful pursuits. What are those things that you just stand on and they go along?

Oh, the hoverboards. No, buses. Yeah, hoverboards. Yeah, I can see them on. What are those things that you just stand on and they go along? Oh, the hoverboards. No, buses. Yeah, hoverboards. I couldn't see them on one of them. Is it Segway? Oh, they're a different thing. No, they've got a handle. There's so many of these things.

Walking, I like. We've got an email. Tyrande, quote, Banson, quote. Here we go. Hi, Alan and Frank and DME. Oh, thank you. Praise redacted. One for the Friday night troll.

I've been meaning to write in for a few weeks in relation to the tyre tread depth chat from a while back. Oh, yeah. I'm really sorry, Frank, but we did a text in when you were off and I think it was... Were you not here for this?

No. I seem to remember. Oh, I thought you were here. I thought it was very strong stuff, personally. No. Okay. Just thought I'd let you know about tread wear indicators. That's all capitalised.

TWIs. It says in brackets, TWI, to those in the know. These are bars are moulded into the tyre tread grooves at regular intervals around the tyre to indicate when a tyre is worn to its limit of safety. I can see that. Like counting the rings on a tree, I suppose. Yeah.

Same theory. They add, takes the guesswork out of tread depth. I like that. That's a good slogan. I love the tread depth. Yeah. It says, I wanted to attach a picture to illustrate but can't do so, so a Google search, a Google image search,

and you'll see plenty of examples. I like it when people go, I can't do this, but you can. I think tread depth could be, that could be a way of measuring the national obesity crisis. Walk across wet sand. Yeah, you could have some sort of crazy potty. Like a long jump fit. Yeah.

And then, yeah, that would be something to really look forward to, that day that you went across and barely marked the surface. Yeah, that'd be treading the boards. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Have we ever quoted the magazine The Economist on this show? No, I don't think we have, have we? It doesn't sound very us. I'll check my diary this evening because I like to keep a record of all the quotes.

There was a bloke in the front row the other night who had The Economist in his inside pocket. He said he always carries it if he has a spare moment, read a little bit of that. It's a lot of reading. Is it? Oh, yeah, it's very word heavy. Is it about the economy as well, mainly? I like you. Look at all them books.

Where are you going to read those? Yeah, it is though. It really stares at you. Henners has been in touch, Al. Oh, OK. On 848. Are you aware of him? He's one of our regulars, Frank Henners,

from Gravesend. Don't put me on the spot. Okay. Yes, of course I remember him. Whatever happened to dogs fetching the morning post? Oh. I know what you mean. That does seem like something... Do you mean the post has him from the Postman or that popular newspaper, the morning post?

Oh, yeah. I used to see dogs carrying newspapers in their terrible salivary mouth. Oh, okay. Those in glass houses. I'll tell you what I used to see as well. Is dogs with like a big tin of dog food

in their mouth carrying that home with their owner. That sounds exceptional. No, I've seen that a few times. It always looked like it was wedged. It was horrible. Oh, really? That sounds exceptional. I mean, like... No, I've seen that a few times. Really? It always looked like it was wedged. It was horrible. Ever had that thought about what it would be like

if somebody wedged, like, say, a bowling ball in your mouth? Not a bowl, but just something on the top end so you couldn't get it out again. Well, you push on the top of your own head when you eat an apple in a strange... I know, I can't get through it. I don't think you should mock the elderly. There must be an ism.

What's the ism? Ageism. Yeah, it is. It's ageism. I think we've all got an ism we can bring up. So be careful. Well, I would like to quote the economist now. Do it. We've got an email

entitled Fishy. You may be amused to hear, we'll be the judge of that, that a recent article on sea creatures fight bioluminescence with the blackest materials known in The Economist quoted Steve Haddock of the Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute. Oh, this is the nominal determination. Nominative determinism, indeed. It's a strange article for the account. Where's the money in it?

True. Yeah. It proves impossible to read this piece without laughing. Do they do stuff other than money, then? They do fish? You can't fill the whole thing with stuff about money, can you? You've got to pad it out with some marine life articles. I've had two different people recommending me investments

in the last, like, seven days. Is that suit you're wearing? No, it's not. Oh, you've both got lovely suits on today. Thanks very much. I feel like the defendant. I had a long drive last night and the guy kept talking to me about cryptocurrencies

that I should be involved in. And he was saying stuff like, oh, if you're not in Europe... I can't get past the fact that crypto was Superman's dog. So you're a white dog in a red, small red cloak. Did he wear a cloak? He wore a cloak, yeah. Respect.

But if you put a cloak on a dog, it would just hang down one side, wouldn't it, over their leg, a bit like a matador cape. Do you know what, Frank? I don't know, but I tell you what, I'm going to find out this weekend. Yeah, try it. But whereas cryptos used to, like, stick it. You know when you used to see people in those white World War I scarves

and they had, like, a wire supporting them so they were blown back over their shoulder like Snoopy? Yeah, I do know that. That's what Crypto's cloak was always as if it was being severely blown. Oh yeah. I wonder what happened to Crypto. They don't live forever of course.

No. Yeah. What are your theories on Superman's lifespan? What do you mean theory? I don't know what the theory is on Superman's lifespan. What do you mean theory? Someone will know. You mean how long does he live?

Is he eternal? I mean, there's been Superman dies type stories. Oh, did he? Why? But they have different versions of things. I thought he was immortal. Well, I don't know if they've ever established his immortality as one of his superpowers. If anyone knows that, don't keep it to yourself.

No, come on. He's Superman Immortal, 8-12-15. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Do you want to know about Superman? Yeah. Well, David Cox from St. Albans says there are strong indicators that Superman may also be immortal.

Theoretically, so long as he has access to a constant source of yellow solar radiation, he will not age or die. I've come to mum a yellow solar radiation. Fair enough. Get some moisturiser with that solar radiation. Fair enough. Get some moisturiser with that, eh? Fair enough. Onto the red sun of

Krypton. He's just like an ordinary bloke. But it's here. I like the idea of this being the yellow sun. It's all a bit based on children's drawings. Yeah. Because I imagine all suns are quite red when you get close. A bit flame-like.

I imagine, yeah. Anyway, let's not get into astronomy at this stage. Well, 868 has asked the impertinent, possibly, question, why do all immortal characters manage to grow from a child to an adult, then they just stop growing old? Confused. Please help, Matt in Wolverhampton. I think you're still allowed some sort of extended post-gestation development. Confused. Please help, Matt in Wolverhampton. I think you're still allowed some sort of

extended post-gestation development. Come on, guys, because you need that as part of your, you know, to form your view of the world, of having been a child. And then it just freezes. Yeah. Once you've settled. That's what I've found, anyway.

That's what happened to me. Fair enough, fair enough. I'll tell you something This is a difficult subject for me Oh God I have The Brits again In case you know I've left that behind me Not really

Do you think you'll ever leave it behind you? I don't think I'll ever leave it behind you I don't think I'll ever leave it behind me but you know it's something I've I'm a bit like Princess Eugenie I like the scars to show let's just talk about it so

Eugénie actually I've learnt this week so you know I have a six year old J'eugénais, actually. I've learned this week. Yeah. So, you know I have a six-year-old child, in case you don't know. I'll just give you two facts about me. No, I'll give you three. I'm from the West Midlands, and I support a football team called West Bromwich Albion,

in case you don't know. Also, I have a six-year-old son. Now, these two worlds clash and collide when he told me a few weeks ago that he supports Tottenham Hotspur he's decided now it's a tricky

thing because I do think you should support a local team. It's that England team that's done it I knew that was going to happen. It is. That's what it is, you see, because most of the... After the World Cup,

it's the closest thing to watching England. They play at Wembley and they've got about five England players in the team. That's how they get you. Oh, Mr. Clever. Didn't it work with West Ham after 66? Did loads of kids go there? 8, 12, 15.

Yeah, OK. That's exactly who's listening. Let's be honest, West Ham supporters from the 60s. I remember I went to the V Festival in Chelmsford thinking it was going to be lots of people with little bells on their fingers and caftans. There's a load of blokes with tattoos and West Ham shirts on, sort of elbowing people out the way.

Yeah, anyway, festival life. Yes, so what we've been doing is we've been watching on the telly the highlights of Spurs games. Thank God for the Champions League, where they're on a losing streak. So I've been showing him them. So I'd show him, him say Spurs lose to Barcelona and then West Brom wallop in Bristol City

without mentioning any disparity between the two competitions there's going to be a terrible scene isn't there, you lied to me yes but it's a bit like Anakin in Star Wars, I think he's pulled between the dark side.

Oh, yeah. And it is so, because you don't want to indoctrinate. I've already got him at a Catholic school. I mean, I've got to back off eventually and let him be an individual human being. Yeah. But he did say to me, I'll tell you what, he said, what about if, he said, I like West Bromwich,

he said, but maybe, he said Tottenham could be my premiership team. I said, hold on, said he. There's a logic there, though. I know, but there's a long-term bleak. I know, but that's so insulting, isn't it? I mean. Wow, I mean, that hit me hard. And then.

I like that that a bit like I have gone FC as my second team I've never really had the second team thing

yeah you could have Huddersfield Towns your Premier League team if you want no they're on a terrible that's a short term

solution oh see it's alright when you do it. He actually said to me, can I have one of those shirts with the black chicken on? I said, what is that? Well, I thought he was into voodoo.

So he let it die. He meant a Tottenham shirt. All right. I've never, ever heard it called the Black Chicken. And I must have... I have read about football for 50 years. But, you know, if they brought out a song with, you know, Black Chicken on my shirt...

I mean, it's just never... He's completely caught with a new name for the first... The Black Chicken. Yeah, the Black Chicken shirt. I hope Harry Kane if that's not his autobiography title exactly bearing the black chicken

Harry Kane Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner show Absolute Radio. Paul from Working has suggested a possible answer. The asterisk

for Bittersweet Symphony, which you were wondering why there was an asterisk and what was at the bottom of it. It's probably because it's written by Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. But why would that have an asterisk? I understood it was... Paul, why would that have an asterisk? I understood it was... Oh, Paul, why would that have an asterisk?

Yeah. Anyway, doesn't... Yeah. So, you were telling us that Buzz had decided to support the team... He's turned to the black chicken. He's turned to the black chicken. Yeah. A.K.A. Spurs. Yeah.

So, is that it now, Frank? Well, no. Oh. Because I said... I said, I'll tell you. Why'll tell you what do you want to come with me to a football match maybe one Saturday. I thought this is me now

because at the moment West Brom are in the championship so we're walloping people. Great. It's always that time when you think do we really want to get up? Yeah. I like this. Yeah. Stay in the little pond. Yeah, exactly. So, um,

so we, we, so I took him last Saturday. I took him to the West Brom game. How was it? And, well, I could feel real pressure when I got there. Adrian Child sits near me and he said, I could feel real pressure. When I got there, Adrian Childs sits near me and he says, I've never wanted him to win more in my life.

Because you think you want it to be perfect. Good start. Yeah. Having said that, my first game was a 0-0 draw against Southampton in which it rained so heavily. The collar came out of my pants and went onto my T-shirt and I was still hooked. But times have changed.

Kids are different now. You had so little to entertain yourself. Yeah, well, there was hardly any football on the telly then. So anyway, you know, there are some things you want to be perfect. You feel the pressure, like on a first date. It's the wedding day weather. Yeah, exactly. First date, New Year's Eve, or an assassination.

You want everything to go just so. Yes. Voice of experience. So we got there. I bought him a shirt straight off. I threw money

at his back. That was a great choice. I threw money at the problem but West Brom shirt. Didn't he sort of look at the crest and think,

where's the black chicken? I think he was, he started by reading the slogan Ideal Boilers across the chest. No, but we have got a bird on our badge as well.

You've got some thrushes or something? Yeah, we've got, yeah, no, I always sit like this. Good knowledge. Good girl. Hey, what's happened?

Was Boilerman there? Boilerman was there. Oh, shut up. So Boilerman and Baggy Bird, who was like the fat throsh. All the stars. Yeah. Can you still say fat? I don't know.

Can you Google it? I think you can if it's about the throsh. If it's a throsh, you can, yeah. So, yeah. And also, it's not real. It's a phony... No. I don't...

The bloke inside is. So did he like Boilerman? Impressed? Oh, yeah. Well, I've shown him Boilerman before. I bought him a programme. I couldn't offer him, you know, the bloke inside is. So did he like Boilerman, impressed? Oh, yeah. Well, I've shown him Boilerman before, and I bought him a programme. I couldn't offer him, you know, the elderflower press aid.

He'd have probably got it at Tottenham home game. Oh, yeah. But it was fine. Artisanal pies. Yeah. Quinoa. So we... What about that man?

Harry Quinoa. The man at the Emirates who got out hummus when he has a gold celebration. Oh, excellent. Oh, he loves Harry Kane. I mean, that's part of the problem. Yeah. He came home from school yesterday with a cross of St George

that he'd written for the game, and it was just Harry Kane written in red to form a big cross over and over and over. I keep trying to explain. He's gone off the boil. But you can't have it. So did you discuss at the end of the... The West Brom go? The West Brom go.

Well, let me just leave you on a cliffhanger here. Because in the first half, they were terrible. They were absolutely terrible. And 1-0 down at half-time. And he looked at me. He gave me a look. I once took a dog to be put down at the vet

lovely yeah I don't mean put down after you know after receiving disparaging remarks but it was ill and it had to be

your fur's all knotty it had to be I think destroyed is the phrase people use which is always seemed a bit over the top

but I remember the look it gave I don't know whether I imposed the look on it or whether it gave me this look but it lived with me

for months afterwards of why have you bought me here and that's the look I got from Buzz at half time it's a real

oh you know what was I could be watching the black chickens exactly I mean it's on his in the blackens in highlight form so he says

he's seen their best bits and then you give him the thrushes blooper reel but but in the second half things things happened Frank Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio So we came to the second half at the Hawthorns and we scored equalised I picked Buzz up, held him in the air it was very exciting Was it all very circle of life? Yeah it was, it was very Circle of Life.

And then along came the wildebeest. Don't think about Adrian like that. Because we then went to one up. Buzz was so excited. He stood on his chair to celebrate. And it tipped up and he got his leg trapped.

Oh no! And we could not get it out oh no so it took i mean it must have been an easy five minutes and there was four of us four blokes trying it and we'd pull it one way and he'd go ah we'd move it the other and he's it was oh man it was really awful. But you're very good at mental arithmetic. How long does it take four men to get one child out of a fold-up seat? Yes. But anyway, every time we moved you, I think we caused more bruising and scratching. Oh, horrible.

And eventually we got him out and he cried for the rest of the second half. We won 4-1, but he missed the goals. I missed the goal. Yeah, but you know what? He'll always remember that. Still grieving for that. The physical memory. Well, they say you'll always remember your first football match,

but I didn't really want it to be because he has quite a bit of bruising on his leg. So the best laid plans of my... And to cheer him up, when we got outside, I bought him the socks and the shorts. All right. Well, yes, because John Round... You got his kit in stitches.

You were spotted by Gavin from Briley Hill. Oh, OK. Yeah, John Round said, Gavin from Briley Hill told me he saw Frank buying Buzz an Albion home shirt at the Reading match. And then he said, which is one of the most fabulously Birmingham things I've ever heard,

Gavin doesn't lie. Yeah. Thank you, John. Got fish and chips on the way back. Anything to try? Oh, yeah, he threw money at the problem. So shorts and socks and fish and chips is all my brain and body need. Shorts and socks and fish and chips are very good indeed.

Would it have been a hit if it had been called shorts and socks and fish and chips, do you think? Sex and drugs and rock and roll. Yes. Oh, yeah. You think it would? By the way, Al just gives a definitive answer, yes. I think it would have been an even bigger hit. So I think I might just have to hand him over to the black chicken.

Yeah. was my um so i think i'm i think i might just have to hand him over to the black chicken yeah well martin says um time for frank to step aside and let his boy join the dark side that is the black chicken yeah a glorious future awaits i mean you know what would be horrible if you took him to a spurs game and just trapped him in a chair at the start of the first half so that it was twice as bad at spurs as it was at West Brom. Did that deliberately? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a fine thought, that.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Much better for your health. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio Webby. Nice.

That was for MH? Yes. How about that? Good memory. Yeah, for a man of my age. I mean, come on. Can we talk about the big day yesterday? Friday. Big Dave.

Oh. It was a big day. It was very slim these days, wasn't it? The West Brom manager, his name is Darren Moore. He's known as Big Dave. I never really worked out why, but he is. They love adding a big in football, don't they? Too many syllables in Darren.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes, yesterday. It was a huge day for... Is he a friend of the show, I'm going to call him? Prince Andrew. He's been talked about on the show. Here he is. Here he comes.

I was reminded this morning. I was reminded. Sounds like someone doing an after-dinner speech. I was reminded of the time. I was reminded, sounds like someone doing an after dinner speech. I was reminded of the time. I was reminded of, I heard Betty Boothroyd use that as an opener once. Anyway.

Do you remember her, speaker of the house? Of course I do. She's from West Bromwich actually. Dancing girl, wasn't she? Oh yeah, I think you're right. So I forgot what I was going to say. You were reminded of the time I was speaking about you. Prince Henry II, wasn't she? Oh, yeah, I think you're right. So, I forgot what I was going to say. You were reminded of the time I was speaking about... Prince Andrew, wasn't it?

Oh, Prince Andrew. I was reminded this morning that we once had a texting in which I asked people to guess the circumference of Prince Andrew's thighs. Yeah. One of our more mainstream textings. Yeah, I don't know how that came about. But he is a bloke who bursts out of a suit. Yeah. Yeah. One of our more mainstream textings. I don't know how that came about, but he is a bloke who's burst out of a suit. Yeah.

Yeah. But he's a lovely, lovely, caring dad imagery yesterday. Yeah. So Princess, you pronounced it correctly. Eugenie. Lovely Eugenie. It's been Eugenie for years. I thought it was Eugenie.

I think they put the Eugenie back in the bottle. Very good. Oh, lovely. And now it's Eugenie. I think they put the Eugenie back in the bottle. Very good. Oh, lovely. And now it's Eugenie. Who knew it was so en France? Yeah. I like it. It's quite hard to see the bouquet. No, it's Eugenie, please.

It is, yeah. She got married to, he seems a nice chap, Jack Brooksbank, his name is. I'll tell you what he looks like. He looks like if Brian Robson had been left on the doorstep of aristocrats when he was young that's what he would look like

he's got the Robbo look but he doesn't have quite the break your legs tackling kind of nor the party at the back business at the front hair I like to think you've just created a spike in some Brian Robson highlights reels on YouTube for some of our younger readers.

Yeah, I hope that. Can I tell you my favourite thing about Jack Brooks, is his job, which is tequila ambassador. Tequila ambassador. Come on. Brilliant. Basically drug dealer. What's the difference? Well, it's legal.

What's the difference? Tequila is illegal. You don't want me to apply rigorous logic to this. Okay, it's legal, but I mean, is it a thing we should be encouraging? Well, never mind him. What about who he works for? Who owns that tequila company? Oh, it's...

George Clooney. No way. I mean, what is it with Clooney? Coffee? Tequila? The man's tempting us. Yeah, it's... George Clooney. No way. I mean, what is it with Clooney? Coffee? Tequila? The man's tempting us. Yeah, he's all about the liquids. Does he ever eat solids? He's all, you know, civil rights and all that.

And then he's encouraging people to get drunk. And, yeah. And strung out on coffee. Also, I thought when he kissed the bride, he shouldn't have done that thing of licking salt off his hands. And then kissing her and then biting the lime. I'd have took that as an insult if I'd been her. Looked like Duke of Edinburgh might have had a few lemons he was sucking as well.

He turned up though, God bless him. Well, he turned up having said, I'll see how I feel on the day. I like that though. Old man though, isn't he? He says that a lot of his appointments now are based, and I quote, based on a wake up and see how I feel basis. I mean, he's 90. How old is he?

91, still alive. They link that to his age, but I've got that now, and I'm about half his age. It's great, that. But 91, if I was him, I'd just focus on the wake up. The rest of the day is a victory. Someone else can handle the rest of it, but I was happy, always happy to see him there.

Bolt upright. Yep. Eh? Good posture. Oh, man, you can see him now in the pavilion at Lord's. Bolt upright. Brilliant. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

You all alright there? just keep talking keep talking we're both eating crisps so it was quite a big big old bash quite a big one yeah what is it

the reports I've read vary on the guest numbers between 650 and 900 which I hope I hope the estimates didn't vary that much for the catering. Exactly, that's a bit tricky. 250 meals short.

You know what, I watched a chunk of it because I knew we'd end up talking about it on here. Livestream on this morning? Yeah, that was a bit this morning at the Royal Wedding was the name of the programme. Da da da da da da da da Yeah, that was a bit... This Morning at the Royal Wedding was the name of the programme. Da-da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da-da-da. It had been rejected by the BBC. It happens. Oh. Yeah, and it was actually called This Morning at the Royal Wedding. That was the name. They had that caption in the corner, you know. Did they?

Wow. I mean, I'm glad they turned down Rip Off Britain. What about if they'd had the right stuff at the Royal Wedding? Oh, no. No, do you know what? What about Jeremy Kyle? Look, mate. Yeah, exactly.

Kyle lying supine. Yeah. Presenting Royal Wedding coverage. A reception. Lying across St George's Chapel on the floor. And they'd have had Prince Andrew on stage, like, and there'd be that thing where they say, and now the Duchess of York,

and she'd have come straight out wagging her finger. Yeah, you do. When they come like that, they've been released from a greyhound trap, and they come straight on. They'd have been like that. I'd have watched that. They do get psyched up, some of those people, don't they? Well, to be fair, I think there was all that going on. They'd have been like that. I'd have watched that. They do get psyched up, some of those people, don't they?

Well, to be fair, I think there was all that going on. They just kept it in the wings rather than do it down the nave. I think... I mean, Philip's got beef, hasn't he? Come on, let's not lie. There's some old beef. I believe with Sarah Ferguson. Toe sucking and sunbathing.

He's got to move on. Also, that was 25 years ago. He's got to move on. Breakfast radio. Also, that was 25 years ago. It was a long time ago. It was before the green face emoji, which I think is what we all needed then, when that story broke. I was fine with that. I've always thought she's a very dashing and attractive woman,

Sarah Ferguson. Do you know the best thing I ever heard about that was Princess Diana allegedly said of that sent someone a message saying the redhead's in trouble again. And I hope you don't find yourself saying that one day at school. Of course, Diana wouldn't have done it because there might have been

too many calories. True. I always preferred Diana. Are you a Fergie fan? Fergie to Diana. But what I like about the... I don't know if we should talk about women in the public eye in that way. I always preferred Diana. Are you a Fergie fan? Fergie to Diana. Did you? Yeah. But what I like about the...

I don't know if we should talk about women in the public eye in that way. What I like about the Duke of Ed is that he seems like he would be one to hang on to a grudge. Right. Do you think? Yeah, I can imagine. And that's what you like about him? Yeah, it's been 25 years.

He's just thought, no, no, I'm not budging on this one. I think the one thing that I think is a bit... They kept saying, no, we mustn't compare this to Harry and Meghan's wedding. And then they kept comparing it to Harry and Meghan's wedding throughout. I think I misunderstood it. But I think it might have been Andrew. I read a royal quote saying, this is not a public wedding, it's a family wedding. And I thought, it's on telly.

Yeah, it is on telly. It's on telly. It's on this morning. And there was people there. Don't know if he fully understands the word public. But I thought, I think you can enjoy both. Yeah. I'm going to say, I think Meghan and Harry are my premiership couple.

Yeah. And they're my championship couple. Yeah, it's like snooker and pool, isn't it? I'll tell you what I like. I'll tell you the difference. When Eugénie was waving from the coach, I sensed a whole being was her thinking, I feel great.

Yes. And when Meghan waved from the coach, I sensed a whole being thinking, I feel great. Yes. And when Megan went from the coach, I sensed a whole being thinking, I look great. Right. And that was the difference between the two weddings, I would say. I like that. Yeah, I thought it did seem a bit down home, even though it was a Windsor castle and there was a see-through.

You know, I love the traditions, though. I like it when they say, and the Queen will be entering through the Galilee door. Did they say that? The Galilee door. She's the only one that goes through the Galilee door. I didn't know that. It's got the plastic, you know,

like the ET scientist covering thing outside. It's got that. Her and Duke of Edinburgh go through Galilee porch. It must be great to have your own door. Oh, can you imagine, Frank? I mean, I know cats do it, but for a human being... I haven't. That's my dream.

All the doors in our house are communal doors. You're the sort of bloke who could install your own door. I am not. Absolutely, I can see you doing that. Thank you. I'll have that door. People think this because I've got a Yorkshire accent, but I'm so unhandy. It's beyond a joke.

If I needed a door erected, you'd be the person I'd call. Who would I call? Because it wouldn't get done by me. If I had the capacity to do my own door, I'd always thought that I'd have one of those farmhouse doors that open in the middle, you know that? And then you can greet tradesmen naked in the morning. Love a Tony Hatch.

And just lean on that just makes you open the right half. Or swinging Wild West saloon doors I'd love on my house. Oh they're good. I mean they're not great insulation wise.

If the Queen's got the choice why hasn't she got one of those? She should have gone for that. Apparently she doesn't love it Western. Yeah. I've heard her say that before.

Can I ask you a question? On the clothes front always fascinated to hear what you two have to think. Oh, yes. Best dressed? Obviously, Eugenie. Oh, definitely. Cara Delevingne.

Oh, couldn't you? Very good. Fabulous. In case anyone didn't see it, would you like to explain what her outfit was? Well, she did like the old 1930s sort of musical female impersonator type. It was very We're a couple of swells

wasn't it? Yeah, I mean obviously she probably looks good in most stuff but she did look that was an amazing look. She did look good. It was very chimney sweep chic. But if a bloke had gone in a full wedding gown

and big hat and that, would he have been condemned? Anyone other than Grayson Perry it's a tricky one. Yeah what if it had been say Paxman? Yeah that would have been

I think that would have tongues would have been wagging. I think there would have been trouble. I'd like to apologise OK let's leave it there. OK. No Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'd like to apologise. OK, let's leave it there. OK. No, 385 and many others have got in touch to point out correctly that the Duke of Edinburgh

is in fact 97, not 91 years old. And I think I said he was 91 earlier. Yes. But what can I say? Old habits die hard. He's wearing well. Knocking off a few years. He's wearing well.

That's what you're... Looks great. It's an implicit compliment, really, isn't it? Yeah. Bolt upright. He is bolt upright. What a guy. What a guy!

What a guy! I know he's had his things in the past when you say things well he's said some stuff but you know he's old yeah people used to make a lot of allowances for old people saying bigoted

things but they don't I was looking forward to that being cut into the slack such a shame that you can't say that stuff anymore. Yeah, but, you know, he's grown up in a different world. He was probably in, was he in the Raj? Yeah. I could imagine him having high tiffin and a red tunic.

Yes. Yes. So one of the great surprises of the whole event for me was when Princess Beatrice got up and read an extract from The Great Gatsby. Great Gatsby. I mean, wow. I didn't see that coming. I don't really know The Great Gatsby.

Spoiler alert, it doesn't end well for him. That's all I'm going to say. You should read it. It's good and short. Oh, didn't we once discuss the classics that you can read that are short, so that you seem like you've got a really good literary

heart of darkness. I'll make a list of these. Metamorphosis. Great Gatsby has got that sort of catcher in the rye thing, you know, it's one of those books that's often mentioned as a fave, I think. Oh yeah. I think it was Darius Danesh's favourite book. Genuinely. I think that's often mentioned as a fave, I think. Oh, yeah. I think it was Darius Danesh's

favourite book. Genuinely. I think that's right. I remember him. Do you remember that? Or was that Gasser in the Rye? No, he was Great Gatsby, Darius Danesh. Fair enough. Where's he now? I bet he's in a musical somewhere at the seaside. 8, 12, 15. Where is Darius?

He was in a musical. Lovely voice. Except for Hit Me Baby One More Time, Gate. I don't remember that. Don't you remember that? No. Well, I'll show you a YouTube clip of it afterwards. Okay. Anyway, as you were.

Forward to that. So, yes, apparently it's all based on the idea that when she first, when Eugénie first saw Jack, he smiled. He smiled, yeah, exactly. He was there with the old shank in the old van. Hey, baby! He was a barman, wasn't he?

Do you think he had those sort of leather sort of holsters on with tequila shot glasses in? Can you imagine if throughout're at the ceremony? I think it was a pub in the West Midlands. He was saying, come on, move out now. He had a big handful of glasses, I hold in about 20 glasses. Come on, haven't you got arms to go to? Can you imagine if every time his name was mentioned in the ceremony,

he went, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Tequila! Anyway, sorry, Frank, as you were. No, so apparently when she saw his smile for the first time... Oh, they got it. It reminded her of the description of Gatsby's smile in the book, which sort of lights up the world and makes you feel better about yourself, that kind of... What did you make of the choice? I remember Kat saying a similar thing about yourself, that kind of. What did you make of the choice? I remember Kat saying a similar thing about me, but she was basing it on Alan Bollock's Hitler, A Study in Tyranny.

Oh. It's a description in there, which she thought was very reminiscent. But... What about your smile? Yeah, my smile. And anyway, so, yeah, I liked it. I liked the fact.

But then the vicar got slightly panicky that they've read something out that wasn't in the Bible. What did he say? He started sort of saying, can we say that they're referring specifically to the smile in that, not the bit about him being,

look like a rough neck something or other. Yeah, he got a bit careful. All right. All right, parson. Relax. Yeah. It's very interesting. I mean, I follow the Nazarene myself, as you know,

but I don't know why people... I got the impression that Jack and Eugenie weren't that fussed about the religious element. They sort of giggled their way through that. I was actually asked to play ukulele for Andrea about the religious element. They sort of giggled their way through that. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I was actually asked to play ukulele for Andrea Bocelli. Were you? Yeah, to Harvey.

The chords to Harvey Marie are tricky. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He had a TV advert on. Did you notice? In the middle, in the break, in the this morning break. Cheeky. So he sang a couple of songs

then they advertised his new album. Brilliant. He should have had it under his arm. I'll tell you something though. That'd be good if he'd just been holding his CD all the way through. Cara Delevingne, best looking. Sorry. I thought she was the best dressed woman.

But he, he looked so cool. Andre Bochene? Oh, man, yeah. He had a sort of a smartsie, but the tie not quite done on. Oh, really? And he's blind, so he can legitimately wear shades indoors. Wow, man, he

looks so cool. I was thinking, mate, you've cracked it there, I tell you. You've cracked it? I love Al's idea of him having a little table. You know, I think when I went to see Jim Davidson at the Edinburgh Festival, he had one of those. A little table with some books on it.

Some merch. Yeah, only about five books and a couple of CDs. That's what he should have had outside St George's Chapel. What about if he'd been selling merch outside? On a little table? Yeah. I would have loved that. You know what?

I was disappointed on behalf of Ricky Martin because he was in the congregation. He was the guest. What if he'd have done it in a Vida Loca? What about Shaker Bombard? If he'd have got up, yeah, under stress. I would have... And then just 600 tequilas

in me brought in on massive trains. But if he did, it would have been more appropriate with the South American thing. The tequila ambassador

invites Ricky Martin to his, I mean, it's got, where were the Gypsy Kings? Surely they should have turned up

with the big guitars. I bet it was all happening at the party. Can you imagine it? Slammers, big sl you imagine it? The party. Big slammers as well. The party's three days long. Yeah.

One slammer could have killed the Duke of Edinburgh. Keep him out of this. Long may he continue, I say. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. At the end of their marriage ceremony, they got in a limited edition James Bond car, of which there are only nine or 12 or something like that. It's a very specific Aston Martin.

I don't know about you guys, but I don't really see James Bond as attached with monogamy and fidelity and long-lasting relationships. I don't know why. I also very much associate that car with the ejector seat. Yeah, exactly.

They also drove off clutching a prenup. I don't know what it's saying. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Weird choice, though. He just shot himself out of the ejector seat as part of his tequila-fuelled celebrations.

Just gone, woo! There'll be a lot of tequila at that. Festival and Funfair, the bashes. Are those your two worst nightmares, Frank? Because they are mine. They are mine. There's a coconut shy apparently the duke don't want to stand too close to that dodgums yeah god i hate dodging yeah do you well i tell you why

because i think it's irresponsible as well that's the child's first experience of driving oh it's not a great one okay they won't be doing much driving, though, will they? They'll be in the back, mainly. What, with the tequila? I've seen the Queen. The Queen drives, doesn't she? She does. Oh, yeah. Didn't she nearly run someone over in the park?

Yeah, yeah. She's got a... I think it's a Jaguarista. That'd be hushed up. Imagine the off-the-record compensation you'd get if the Queen run you over. You'd be mad for life. We should say Camilla didn't make it.

Now, the Duke of Edinburgh said, I'll wake up and see how I feel on the day, close quotes. Yeah. Love it. Camilla, however, said she had a prior engagement, which is fair enough. But then I found out it was a harvest festival. I mean...

Okay? At a school. Is that the thing where you bring the baked beans? I like a blanket of loaf. Although I'll bet she doesn't. I'll bet she takes some of Charles' sausages and biscuits, doesn't she? I agree. Yeah, produce.

You know, he's got his own... Oh, of course. He's got his own food line. Past the Dutchie, I call it. Oh, man. Yeah. Slightly borderline sell-by date, it would be.

Picked up from the farm shop. Do you want to take that and take it to the harvest? Well, these are on the cusp. It'll be fine. I'll just be glad I'm there, to be honest. I mean, all I'm saying is, she could have swapped those dates. Come on.

No, she had three appointments and they were in Scotland. I feel for her in a way because I sometimes, I've kept the thing that was in the diary first in and I've felt like it was a mistake and I've also cancelled the thing that was in the diary first for the second offer and then felt like that was a mistake. So you can't win, can you?

Which all of which would have been fine had the people in Scotland not said, well, she could have come any time. Did they? Yes. They did. That's rather unfortunate. I used to watch live wrestling in the 70s.

Who didn't? This was when wrestling was like the sort of blokes you see fighting on a pub car park on a Friday night. And they always had terrible excuses when they didn't. I remember they said... Did they? Actually, they had a similar thing.

They said Klondike Jake was supposed to be... I don't know if you remember him. There was two. There was two brothers, Klondike Bill and Klondike Jake, I think it was. Big men. And they said Klondike Jake can't be here tonight because he's in Scotland.

Well, that's not really an excuse is it that's just an explanation just saying that he's somewhere else and she went

for a similar she went for a Klondike Jack excuse maybe she was there at the N and Chickens that night and made a mental note

of that I'm having that The Frank Skinner Show listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This week, I bought...

You know I'm a big fan of the extra strong mint. Oh, yeah. Do you know, I've never known that about you. I've almost... I bet if I read you in my pocket now as we speak

there you go do you know i love an esm and i didn't know that was um common ground that's why i don't tell people they're getting a free plug aren't they on this show well anyway so i don't know if you can see from here but it says on the packet It says radio this. It says not for individual sale. Oh. Another good business plan ruined. I thought people are selling extra strong what is this? The sort of black market drafts business. Broken Britain.

Yeah. Not for individual sale. Extra strong mints. But if Yeah Not for individual sale Extra strong mints But if they were for individual sale What kind of price are we talking? Well exactly 10p Remember when I asked the other week What would you pay for an ESM?

The other week I asked If you remember on this What can you get for a penny And I don't think we got any reply Nothing And that maybe Not a sausage That could be it

which is a millennial's just went what's a penny yeah they wouldn't bend down for a penny i see pennies on the street all the time supposed to be austerity brit i think that's partly because people can't hip hinge they can't um bend down as easily as they should be able to it's really it's puzzle made this and what's it all about alfie yeah what what's this. What's it all about? Alfie? Yeah. What's it all about, as in the ESMs are available on an individual basis? To be fair, there are other sweets and mints that don't carry that warning, so presumably they're fine with it. Well, does that mean there are local shopkeepers

who are splitting a packet of extra strong mints and selling them individually here's a spanner in the works Haribo sours I would buy those on an individual basis because a packet's

too much yeah well you don't have to finish the whole packet okay there used to be do you remember those gold bars

they were like penguin except they had that sort of very creamy brown chocolate like caramaki type. We're not going to do a sweets phoning, by the way.

No, no, don't do that. We're in the middle of it now. I tell you with those, they were so Othello-like in that they were very Moorish. I hope that was coming in, it did. You'd eat one and it was fantastic. You'd eat two and it was only about halfway through the third one that you felt really sick. I mean, you did. You'd eat one, and it was fantastic. You'd eat two, and it was only about halfway through the third one that you felt really sick. I mean, properly sick.

But you didn't. There was no warning until you hit that thing. But extra strong mints, I'm going to go in and say, you haven't got an extra strong mint, have you? Just about. Just about. I've just met this woman at the bus stop. Well, if they

say yes we do you'll be able to tell us next week what the price is on an individual level I mean they're going to sell them one just the one if they say it's a penny for three well they're not the individual sale warning goes out the window

585 has sent us some Darius news Darius was in Funny Girl last year. I saw him in it in Canterbury. There you go. I wasn't that far off then. I said a musical at the seaside. We're at borderline. Good on him.

That's what I say. But if anyone can get to the extra strong mints, I might actually, I put the picture. Well, we have got something quickly. I imagine you bought a three-pack. Careful. And it refers to the packet. I didn't buy a three-pack. Not the individual mints. I didn't buy a three-pack, careful, and it refers to the packet. I didn't buy a three-pack.

Not the individual mint. I didn't buy a three-pack. Okay, don't fall out with three, four, two. I just bought one pack, right, from a legitimate news agent. Everyone calm down. I didn't go black market. I just bought a pack. Oh, do you think that means that the pack you bought

came from a three-pack and is not for individual sale? Oh! We'll come back to this. We'll come back to this mystery. Oh, Frank Skinner's true crime. It's like a podcast. Yeah, it's like cereal. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cocker. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, text us on 81215, or email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. We were running a true crime style podcast, weren't we? Oh, yes. You were trying to get to the bottom of...

Well, the news agent that I got, it seems very nice, not the sort... Is that the one I've... I think I've been to that one. Is it near your local... Let's not. OK, let's not say. Okay.

But I think we certainly shouldn't name the person given what we've just discovered. Well, I think he's selling extra strong mints in individual packets that are coming from a multi-pack. What would he make? I wouldn't be surprised if he'd go upstairs and he's brewing hooch. Oh, what?

He's got some speakeasy. Yeah. What would he make from buying a three-pack of extra-strong mints? Text in A1215. Well, we've had some guesses. Is it worth it? Somebody sent a very elegant joke. What you can get for a penny.

For a penny, you can get two apenies. Okay. Apenies? Apenies. Like, apenies. I almost thought you meant apes' knees. That's what it says. Ape knees. Like, ape knees. I almost thought you meant ape's knees. That's what it says.

It's a bit of wordplay. It's a bit of a, like, what was that programme called? Let's get forensic on it. It's one of those shows. Let's get forensic on it. Something cruel about ape's knees.

Oh, of course so, yeah. Yeah. Packet of ESM. Al, did you read that one out yet? No. Oh. The packet of ESM has come from a multi-pack. It's the whole packet that's not for individual.

We sell not the individual means yes, we get one. All right, Columbo, we said that a minute ago. Why would a shopkeeper... My wife's a big fan of yours. I love that. That's such a mum's thing. All right, Columbo. I, um...

But what... Is it worth it? I mean, the risk of being found out. Oh, you don't want to do time for that, do you? I mean, what is the risk, really? If I wrote to Trebor and said, this bloke, I mean, Trebor must be...

I'd be surprised when they hear this. Surely Trebor must be a monster from Doctor Who, if I think that long. But if, and don't text in and say it's Robert backwards, because that is really such a big moment. Oh, I didn't know that, I am. Okay.

I didn't know that. Yeah, so, I just think it's such a strange thing to do. Unless you can get, I mean, packs of a thousand and make a fortune like that. I mean, what's he making? 5p, you know, a sale? I don't know.

I feel... It's a nice chap. They add up, though. They add up. I know the chap in question. It reminds me of when we used to go to a place called Cape Hill Market and they used to sell...

used to buy stuff that had just gone past the sell-by date. They used to sell stuff cheap. Oh, I'd be in like Flynn on that. Oh, man. You're very just past the sell-by dates. They used to sell stuff cheap. Oh, I'd be in like Flynn on that. Oh, man. You're very just past the sell-by. Thank you. We used to call them after dates instead of after rates.

Oh, nice. You'd get a box of after dates. Oh. The particular one that was most popular, you said we shouldn't talk about old suites, but these were not, they weren't mainstream. There was something about them which, they were

always on the dark side of confectionery. They were called toffifees. Do you remember them? Oh, toffifee. Was it toffifee? I thought it was toffifees. I don't know. It's got to be the same thing. Yeah, I'm sure it is. It's like Eugenie and Eugenie. I don't know. It's got to be the same thing.

Yeah, I'm sure it is. It's like Eugenie and Eugenie. I remember Top, yeah. I don't remember these things. They were always the sell-by things. Were they? Yeah, they always had stacks of them. Too much paper in those. Maybe they've devised them.

Yeah, a lot of grease-proof paper on the... Oh, I don't mind a bit of that. Okay. That's not for me. How late would you go with a confectionery sale? Oh, it would depend on what it was. Like if it was... Six months, it'd be.

If it was a soft-scented thing, I'd probably give it less time than dark chocolate. What about the cream egg? But what about when coffee starts to... When chocolate starts to blanch a bit? Oh, yeah, yeah. It gets that sort of pile. It goes a bit pile. Oh, when the...

I'd take that risk. Yeah, when the after eight gets the white sheen on it. Oh, yeah. You don't want a beige after eight. That can't be good for you, can it? This charm after eights is making me look forward to Christmas. Anyone else? Love them.

I don't wait. I don't treat it as an occasion item. What has made me think it? But I associate it with it. Made me think six hours, six hours to go, that's what I'm thinking. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 458 has texted, Toffifees are being advertised on telly right now, caps. And I quote Toffifee for so much fun. I think people buy them not because of the name,

but the fact they look like soft chocolatey cupcakes. Problem is, you only buy them once as they're brick hard. Okay. I don't know if we should be saying, I mean, they might want to advertise on Absolute Radio. Anybody else slightly angry about confectionery? 8, 12, 15. Also, to Fifi's, when you look at the name,

you think, oh, this is toffee and... What is it, poodle? It suggests that, like banoffee, that there's two things going on. And there isn't, is there? There's just toffee. You're right, it's just a long way of saying toffee. 474 has texted in.

I think one of our other readers... Oh, is that David Leeds? ...may well subscribe to The Economist. One of my favourites. Strap yourself in. Five pack of ESM, extra strong mints, in B&M, well-known bargain store. What's B&M?

B&M Bargains. I think it's a bargain store. Producer's nodding, one of her faves. A bit like Quality Save or similar. Never heard of it. Five pack of ESM in B&M. I've been to S&M Bargains. How do I not know?

Oh, my God. But I don't like Velcro. I'm on a gimp mask. I like a zip. Oh, wow. Potato, potato, isn't like Velcro. I want a gimp mask. I like a zip. Oh, wow. Potato, potato, isn't it? Yeah. Why have I never heard of B&M Bargains? I'm going to be honest, I haven't heard of B&M Bargains.

Maybe it's an old thing. That's because we've lost touch. Have we lost touch? I never had touch. It's because you're high for loot. Okay, go on. Five pack of ESM in B&M. I feel like I've read this a million times.

I'm sorry. For one pound, your shop will be selling one pack for around 60 pence. 200% profit. Wow. Do you think I should mention it? I'm just going to write it down. You've got to now, Frank. What about if I went in and said,

sorry, I don't have my reading glasses with me. What does that say on this pack? How would that go down? I'm just wondering if next time I'm on a car journey where someone starts saying I think you should invest

in cryptocurrency I'm going to go nah, I'm getting into extra strong mints selling them in individual packets at 200% profit. But this is a shop.

I thought that only happened on sort of, you know, that bloke that comes in the pub and says do you want to buy some mints? Selling CDs. It's a proper shop, you know, in a shopping area.

And he's doing that. The list of crimes, I mean, it's not that bad. Oh, I feel really let down by it. I got the Sunday Times last week. It's from January. Oh. No, not really. I made that bit up.

No, I just think they shouldn't be doing it in a proper shop. Okay. You heard it here. No, what am I... Should I do anything about it? Citizens arrest?

Phone the police? Is this illegal? Is it illegal? I mean, when they say not to be, who's... Dad's just... Yeah, they can write what they want on the package Is it legal, though? You can't enforce it, can you? Is this illegal? I mean, when they say not to be, who's... That's just...

Yeah, they can write what they want on the packaging. Is it legal, though? You can't enforce it. Yeah, but Frank, how are you going to deal with this? I mean, presumably, what's your relationship like with this character? Well, you know, we go in and chat about, you know... I don't know what we chat about.

What do you chat about? We chat about what's in the Times Literary Supplement. Oh, nice. Yeah. We don't chat about that. That's a lie. We chat. I say things like,

oh, Victorian Delivery Vehicles magazine. That builds into two lovely volumes. Nice. You know, I talk about what's in the shop. I just think it's going to be, you know, it's in the room now, isn't it? And I know what you're like. If it's in the room, you have to go there.

I'm going to go in Jeremy Kyle, just walk straight to him wagging the finger. I forgot this last week. Just go straight on like a couple of security blokes making sure I don't go completely off. I don't know, it will nag at me now. I feel I've got to mention it. I think you should maybe change shops for a little while. Oh no, I don't know, see, it will nag at me now, like I feel I've got to mention it. I think you should maybe

change shops for a little while. Oh no, I don't want to change shops. I want to sort this out. Yeah. It's like being Elliot Ness. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast

from Absolute Radio. I'd like to talk to you about Bear Grylls. Oh, yeah? I'm kind of a fan of him. Was he at the wedding, by the way? I don't know, was he? He will be posh.

I think he repelled in wearing a bear suit at one point. Follow the bear? Yeah. I bet he'd never wear a bear suit, would he? Can I just say, guys, if he doesn't have follow the bear on his Twitter account, I don't want to be friends with him. I believe he follows the Nazarene. I think he's, you know, born again,, would he? Can I just say, guys, if he doesn't have follow the bear on his Twitter account, I don't want to be friends with him. I believe he follows the Nazarene.

I think he's, you know, born again, isn't he? I don't know. No, I think he's Anglican. What does that mean? It means... Well, you can't be born again if you're Anglican.

Is that a rule? Let's not get bogged down. Let's not get bogged down. He'll be in Australia. Reverence for about four people. Still got that wig, though. But the people who got it will love it. That's what I always think.

Safari suit, I mean. Yeah. A polyester leisure suit, as Dennis Leary once said to me. A guy in a polyester leisure suit singing Frank Sinatra songs. Anyway, yes, so Bear. Bear Grylls is launching a business with insect powder health bars. Yeah. This isn't a fever dream.

This is a real thing. What is... Are they to be individually sold? I don't know. Do you have to buy them in swarms? Oh, Frank, that's lovely. I'll have a plague of bars, please. But the powder, what does that mean?

Why do you ask me that? Insect powder. Is that the sort of... You know when you squeeze a moth and you get that I mean come on because they'll eat your clothes

I'm afraid it's all them that's true to the wall you get that powder off the wings is it like that oh the little brown powder do they dust

do they dust insects down and then that's turned into well I don't know they contain protein if it is that I don't want that in my food.

Well, that's the only thing I can think of. That's from the buffalo worms, it says. Buffalo worms! I think that was the original draft, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it didn't go so well. Yeah. Or insecticide, it sounds like, doesn't it?

We put insect powder down oh yeah they can't be that I don't really understand unless they dry them out and powder them up I think they might

I like the fact that the CEO of Bear Grylls company is called Rupert of course he is Rupert Bear Grylls yeah

but he says they want to inspire equip and empower. What about if there was three blokes there, Rupert, Paddington and Yogi? They all work with Bear Grylls. No, I had to look into this thing. And the bloke from the company said...

Was that Rupert? I don't know if it was Rupert. But he said the truth is, it might have been from that company, it's a company that sold insect things. And he said the fact is, you know, people balk. He said they balk

at eating insects. He's right though, they do balk. He said, but the truth is, we eat insects all the time. He said if you have an average sized pizza, and I wrote this down, he says a regular pizza, the tomato sauce will contain on average 30 fly eggs and probably two whole maggots. Oh, shut up.

What? And he said a cup of... You're a dominoes ambassador. He said a cup of ground... I haven't got my medal yet. You know how Jack Brookbank gets... We're going to have to work out your music, Frank. ground, I haven't got my medal you know how Jack Brookbank gets da da da da da da we're going to have to work out your music Frank

well he's probably drank a lot of tequila in his time I've found my thrill oh how often the two go together I should imagine go on then, so it's two maggots and a thirty fly eggs or two whole maggots

and he said, this bloke says if you have a cup of ground coffee there's going to be on average 60 bog pots in it I've had one this morning

oh shut up yeah so we're we're constantly we don't know we're eating them I'm 60 bogs up I didn't even know it

what about how many spiders do you eat every year is that an urban myth oh when you're asleep they go in your mouth. Yeah. I remember being in Africa and woke up.

Is this one of his lies? No, this is absolutely true. I don't think so. And I went into the bathroom and I had a spider stuck to my buttock. I rolled over on it. You didn't. Oh, man, it was such a biggie.

And I'd squashed it in the night. You didn't eat it, man, it was such a biggie. And I'd squashed it in the night. You didn't eat it? It was massive. I mean, it looked like I had some... Tattoo? Yeah, it looked a bit like Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl, but on my bum. But, yeah, I mean, if I'd seen it alive, it would have terrified me.

But as it was, I accidentally squashed it. But as it was, I accidentally discussed it. But no, I didn't eat it. Not after it had been on my buttock. No. I would have been disgusted. Well, you know where there's often a... Can I just say, I was reading a book to Boz about ancient Greece. And I said, you know, people ate lots of fruit and vegetables

and olives was very popular because there was lots of olives I said but the slaves had to live on a lumpy porridge

made from corn husks or something like that and he went that's disgusting I said sorry it made me laugh

oh have I misjoked? No. Okay. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Yeah, so if anyone does know what insect powder actually is, I'd like to know. But that's why it's... There seems to be a general feeling

that we are going to be be a general feeling that we are going to be eating a lot more insects I think it might be post Brexit that might be all we've got well Prue Leith

said last week that insects were going to be the delicious next food craze yeah everyone is she's a big fan

I would be a bit worried if I was on the production team of I'm a Celebrity get me out of here that's our gimmick five years time we'll just be a bit worried if I was on the production team of I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here. That's our gimmick. Five years' time, we'll just be a food programme. That's right, yeah.

Also, it's going to be difficult for the environmental health people to close down bad takeaways, isn't it? It is, yeah. When they turn up and they go, the place is covered in cockroaches. This is our special. It's just really fresh. That's just the specials.

It's a knock-on effect, isn't it? Do you think lizards will call it cultural appropriation? Well, I tell you who's going to be enjoying this. It's old... He likes an insect in the bottle. Yeah. It's a worm, isn't it? Is it a worm?

Yeah, it's a worm. Oh, yes. What's that called? Well, it makes people strong out, I think. Mescaline or something. Very good, Frank. Yeah. Mescaline. They used to say... Is it called mescaline? I believe... I think Frank's right, it is. I could be wrong.

I'm out of touch. Look at Sarah, she might know. No, okay. They used to say... Which I've heard at festivals. They always used to say that if you ate the worm in the bottle you went mad. Oh, right. I don't know if that's true. I was also told that the yellow stuff in a pomegranate is poison. Yeah.

Can't be right, can it? I don't think so. I don't. Have you eaten... I suppose it's in the Dutch. I've got to draw the line with the insects. I'm not a fan. Really? Have you ever eaten an insect?

Deliberately? Well, you obviously have. If you've had a pizza. I like to believe I haven't. If you've had a pizza or a ground coffee, you definitely have. I've had... What have you had? I've had a pizza. I like to believe I haven't. A pizza or a ground coffee, you definitely have. I've had... What have you had? I've had a few in my time.

I've had deep-fried locust and deep-fried scorpion. Do you like it? Well, I don't normally eat deep-fried stuff. I think, can you poach me one? A lot of the insects, they just deep fry it as an automatic thing. In fact, that's what Prue Leith says when she was first offered it. She thought, well, deep fried anything is delicious. Yeah, but why do they have to deep fry it?

Is that the only method they've got for cooking it? I think it's the best method. Well, you don't want a boiled worm, do you? Well, you're all right with a deep fried one. Well, it's better. It disguises it more. Chocolate-covered covered ants remember that? I've had that yeah

who wants to get fat from ants? well you're not going to are you? it's rubbish you're not going to but apparently there'll be one less ant

on I'm a Celebrity get one oh oh no he didn't we've been talking about eating insects very very hard to get a grip on the wishbones

minuscule well it turns out there's quite a lot of it happening, insect eating. 196, whilst drinking one of those instant cappuccinos in the garden, I started to chew on an unresolved lump. When it didn't yield, I spat it out.

A big, fat fly. It was a curious sensation. That is all. Sally. Yeah, I think it's not going to... Fly would be the last thing I'd want to eat because of the obvious dog excrement links. Yeah, true. Dirty, aren't they?

Although if this fad continues, we're going to be living out that joke, waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Yeah. Keep it quiet, sir. They all want one. It does sound... Remember that joke? I do. one it does sound remember that joke

I do yeah do you remember the joke about do you know that's played do you remember the joke yeah I love

I just wanted to remind there's one about a bloke with a whitlow you know what a whitlow it's like a sort of

it's like a sort of a pos filled thing you used to get down the down the side of your fingernail what are you doing

he's acting it out. So the bloke, the waiter brings out a bowl of soup and he's got his thumb in the soup and he says, what have you got in your thumb? He says, sorry I've got a wit low and the doctor says keep it warm. And the bloke says, why are you sticking up your backside? He said, what are you doing? He said, I do

when I'm in the kitchen. Can I say that? Say it back, Simon. I think so. It's a good joke. I don't know, but that was like a medieval nightmare with all these faces going, ha, ha, ha.

009, Sherry from Yeovil, has said, she really should be corresponding when we've got a drinks thing running, shouldn't she? Sherry from Yeovil, that'd be great.

While riding a bike and talking, I swallowed a large moth. Worst thing I've ever eaten. Controversial. Yeah, very controversial. I had a mate who was frightened of moths and that was his thing that one would fly in his mouth. Oh, I understand that.

It used to terrify him. I'd rather they're better than that than on a 200 quid suit. So we've established about the... It's not even that much for a good suit. Where can you get that for a suit? I can't buy a T-shirt for that these days. I'm joking in case anyone complains.

The thing is, as well, it's gone on the line in not to be sold individually. In my end is my beginning. My beginning is my end. We've discussed mescaline, Frank, haven't we? Yes, I think I've got it. I said it's mescaline, but it's actually mescal, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And does it drive you mad if you eat the worm?

Well, it's too late to text in on 8-12-15, but there's some debate over that. I think it at least gives you hallucinations. Well, Danny O'Mahony says if you eat the worm, you get a visual trip. It's great. So I don't know if I should be recommending that. I do apologise. I do not recommend

hallucinogenics in any form. I think that's official policy. Is it? I'm not sure about in any form, but I'll have to look into that. I think they might be okay with magic mushrooms I think they bother maybe not

maybe not a lot of people with their head in their hands in the studio now yeah no they're not don't ask them I mean come to think of it I've eaten quite a lot of insects

have you? because yes okay so anyway so I think we should end shouldn't we God, come to think of it, I've eaten quite a lot of insects. Have you? Because, yes. Okay. So anyway, so I think we should end, shouldn't we, while we're still on air. So I'm packing up here. I haven't said goodbye yet. Can I just say something?

Your retailer is in the clear about these mints as well, okay? Is he in the clear? Christina's got it touched. Individuals can't sell them, so they don't get bogged down in red tape, VAT, risk assessments, etc. But shops and online retailers can. There you go. It's all in the clear. It's a lovely happy ending. That's not what I heard from the Citizens Advice

Bureau. Oh, okay. Well, I won't go in there and smash the door down like one of those prohibition movies and take the extra strong one. Pity. I was hoping he'd say, you know, if I give you a crate, let me off. Your version of Don Corleone.

Poop-legging. Your protection racket. So anyway, yes, thank you so much for listening today. Don't do hallucinogenics. Can I emphasise that again? Really, it's not that good for you. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, be seeing you. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.