The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Bring on the Feathers

Episode Date: January 7, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Em and Alun for the first show of 2017. Following his 'Graham Norton Show' appearance, Frank addresses some surprising comments from the viewers. The team also discuss Mariah Carey's disastrous New Year's Eve performance, middle lane driving and a grumpy bookshop owner.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via, I say via, the Absolute website. Happy New Year. Morning, Happy New Year. Happy New Year, one and all. Is it Happy New Year? It's New Year Happy New Year, one and all Is it Happy New Year?

It's not a Bob Cratchit contribution I have a sense of, you know that sort of Happy New Year Oh yeah With the emphasis on the new Oh, okay Happy New Year instead of Happy New Year You know what I get slightly bored of at this time of year I don't wish to start on a downer

Is it people saying, do you have a nice Christmas? They say, good Christmas. Like Alan Sugar, good team leader. Good Christmas. And then I say, yeah, yeah, how was yours? And they say, well, we went to Norfolk because I've got family up there.

I don't want to know that. Everybody went to Norfolk because we've got family up there. Well, yeah. Just say yes and let's leave it at that. I haven't got any family there, but I went just because everybody else was going. Okay. To Norfolk. Well, yeah. Just say yes and let's leave it at that. I haven't got any family there but I went just because everybody else was going. Okay. To Norfolk. Yeah.

I went there and lived in a tree for four nights. How was it? It was bitter. Absolutely bitterly cold. But I don't like to miss out as you know. I've always been a joiner in her. When is the Statute of Limitations on Good Christmas? Is that that thing on Ellis Island in New York. When is the Statute of Limitations on Good Christmas?

Is that that thing on Ellis Island in New York? When is it? It's always good emotional when I see it. If they'd put the Statute of Limitations on Ellis Island instead of the Statue of Liberty, it was just like a small document. It's all up for grabs now. Who knows what's there? The Statute of Limitations on how many people can go to Norfolk.

No, on how, when people can stop asking you, good Christmas. Well, I think, yeah. Did you have a good Christmas, though, guys? I think it's the ninth. Did I have a good Christmas? Thank you. Yeah, it was tremendous,

apart from the bitterly cold Norfolk winds. Yeah. Was it Norfolk or Suffolk? Have I switched? No, it was Norfolk they've always gone to. God, I thought I'd switched counties. They've always got a family in Norfolk. I don't like to switch horses midstream, nor counties mid-sentence. That's one of my things.

I spent New Year's Eve alone. Oh. Completely alone. Oh, darling. You've got a jingle for that. Yeah. Hold on a minute. I've got some kind of woe is me music for that.

All by myself. Don't want to be. Go on, I'm cutting to the later in the song. All by myself. Yeah, the more. That was Eric Carman there on Absolute Radio, where real music matters. Can I just intervene in a health and safety way and tell you that you've got your glasses on the top of your head, Frank?

I know I have. Oh, you know that? Yeah. It's a little trick I got from Kermit the Frog. No, it's just that he wasn't wearing headphones simultaneously and I just worry that there's going to be a clash. Well, that's all right, darling. I've got spectacles on, but I can't really read very well in them.

OK. So I don't want to press the wrong button. You have brought your new Christmas paper back, haven't you? So I suppose halfway through it, you'll have a chapter. No, I'll be fine. You spent years even on it. Tell me, he was on his own, Greta Garbo style. Yeah, well, it wasn't my choice.

But we went away, and obviously to Norfolk. And my partner just didn't like it. No offence to anyone who did spend Christmas in Norfolk. No, no. Stop going on about it. No offence. It is the turkey county as well, which is, you know, I suppose it's the obvious place to go at Christmas.

Yes. I imagine if you went to Norfolk hoping for good turkey stuff, they're sort of leaving as you arrive. They're going out on trucks. Yeah. Goblin, as they do. Goblins are there as well. There'll be goblins there.

Think of those goblins in most countryside areas. Yeah. Anyway, so, yes, I did... You were on your... Oh, I swear, it breaks my heart to think of having Daddy on his own. I went out on the balcony of my home. I thought you were going to sell the tiles. Why didn't you call me?

I would have called you from the party I was at. You can't... Yes, exactly. That's why. You can't call people New Year's Eve and say what you're doing. Oh, no, you can't, you're right. Just in case. So, no, I took it on the chin. Wow.

I feel like I spent New Year's Eve with you because I was round at someone's house and I insisted the telly was put on. That's quite a big step. I wanted to watch My Big Daddy. Did you watch the fireworks on TV? I watched Robbie Williams live. We had that on.

No, I'm fascinated by it. Oh, yeah, they were on. Yes, they were on. I am fascinated by the whole concept of fireworks on TV. Fireworks on TV is the dullest thing you could ever see. Fireworks, let's say keep fireworks live, that's my car stick. Not only do they show

the London fireworks, but you get through the day. They always show Sydney, that old cleats. Yeah, let's see some fireworks live from Beijing. Fireworks, but on television. Reminds me of when West Bromwich Albion celebrated 100 years at their football ground

and they had fireworks before the kick-off and it was a three o'clock kick-off. I've never seen fireworks in daylight. Also... I still haven't. I don't wish to be rude, but what standard were the fireworks? Well, I couldn't tell. They might have been. They sounded all right. Was Adrian Charles by them from the newsagent on the way out?

I didn't know him in those days, I must say. But, yeah, try fireworks in daylight. It's a different experience. And then you have got your glasses out, I tell you. No, I'm not. We can't end it like that, can we? We can't. I'll be fine.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, I... I'll tell you what I did. I went out on the balcony at midnight and I stood and watched some live fireworks that were going on, you know, sort of around, not any big displays, but lots of people sitting there. Some local people. And I whistled the theme from the old Ealing comedy,

The Card, with Alec Guinness, Petula Clark, Guinness Johns. Do you know it? I don't know the theme or the film. Well, the film, I was asked by the BFI to name the best film of the 20th century, and I picked The Card. Did you? Oh, really? Well, we'll have to see that. Didn't get any other votes.

None, funnily enough. It's all, you know, mean streets and raging bull. Oh, yeah, raging bull. They like raging bull, don't they? Oh, they love it. They love a bit of raging bull. But they don't like the card with Alec Guinness. Weirdos. Anyway, so I went out and whistled out.

Really cheered me up. Oh, good. And I decided my New Year's resolution is going to be to whistle more. Oh, that's a good one for you. I think it really... I think it really suits you. It's my version of the whole wellness industry. Yes. I find whistling does what other people get from, you know, an hour of Bikram.

Yeah. whistling does what other people get from, you know, an hour of Bikram. And now also I think you're conforming to what I think are successful New Year's resolutions, which is keep it simple and ideally add something that you enjoy rather than take away something you don't like. A lot of people go for the wise words. When Al does his life coaching, I get all funny.

Hashtag life coach. Hashtag 2017. Hashtag life coach. We'll have to get some Eastern music we can put on in these mowers. I'll play the sitar. You know the first chord on the sitar always sounds like they've dropped it. And then that. I'm calling him the urban swami.

I'll say that. He's a bit of a swami. Am I allowed to call that? I've heard him call swami before, I'm calling him the urban swami. I'll say that. He's a bit of a swami. Hang on, am I allowed to call that? I've heard him call swami before, I think. He's all right to do a sit. How's that in the political correctness front? Can you do a sitar impression? I think so, yeah.

That's acceptable. That's fine, darling. I mean, it's so difficult for a man of my age. Me and Tom Jones, we're walking on thin ice. Boom! They always look very hard, the sitar. For someone that's just made a New Year's resolution to whistle more, you've gone straight to sitar impressions.

Yeah, well, I can't whistle any sitar music. It'd be difficult. A lot of people, Frank, I thought you were marvellous on the GN show. I don't know marvellous on the GN show. I don't know if you saw it, Al, but you were rather marvellous. And we had some comments. So supportive.

Well, no, it's true. You were. You were fantastic. Don't read out prayers, but we can articulate our own to each other. It was funny, and he engaged with the other guests. He was the dream New Year's Eve guest. Oh, yeah. And like some others on that show, who I didn't

warm to so much. I didn't like those rowers, Frank. Oh, the rowers. I didn't like the rowers. You know, they're rowers. Rowers. Are we all just going to keep saying rowers? It's a weird moment. They're fine. I've got some stuff, work that needs

doing in my garden, so they can come and help me with that. But we had some... Are these Olympians that you're talking about? Yeah, something like that. To help you garden. It's like, only silver. Yeah, only silver. There were some comments about your appearance.

Oh, yes. With one theme coming up again and again. OK. Can I read you one as a sample? Go on. Frank Skinner absolutely oozing Botox on the Graham Norton show. Really? Well, I think this is a great compliment.

I'd be thrilled if I were you. Another one. Oh, dear. Too much Botox, Frank. What? Number three. I love Frank Skinner, but come on. Hashtag sculpting.

Can I say, I think you should see this as a very auspicious day. The people think you've had Botox. I think the make-up woman should get some sort of minor award. There you go. I can officially state with my hand on my heart, and if I only had a picture of Pope Francis, I would use that as well, I have not in any way had Botox. There's a touch of the Bill Clinton about this. I can officially state with my hand on my heart that I have had Botox. There's a touch of the Bill Clinton about this.

I can officially say, with my hand on my heart, that I have had Botox in the past. Yeah, not recently. I've gone off it. I think it makes your face look weird. I think if I was going to be injected in the face, I'd have to really want it.

Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I've tried it, but it does strange things to your face. That is a compliment. I was really pleased for you, Frank. I mean, it's a... No one's ever said that to me,. I've tried it, but it does strange things to your face. That is a compliment. I was really pleased for you, Frank. No one's ever said that to me, and I've

had it done. It's an insult, in a way. It suggests that I'm some sort of vain peacock of a man. But, um, what about that, eh? But, yeah. Staggered. Don't drink.

That's my advice. Whoa. That's lost half the audience. Or if you are going to drink, give up age 30, is it? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, drink. I always thought my skin looked very clear when I was drinking heavily.

I get a lot of comments on your skin. Do you? That's what I get, compliments by proxy. That's my life, not to me. I'll tell you what, when I die, it's yours. Oh, thank you, darling. Make a nice little gilet. That's good. Can I have one of your

houses if she's getting your skin? Now you've gone too far. I don't want people knowing I've got more than one house. I'm already out. It's in the public domain. My man of the people in me has already been got more than one house. I'm already out. It's in the public domain. My man of the people image has already been altered by the rumour that I'm having bow ties. God, what next?

Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We've had a text in asking if this person can be the first contribution of the year. And I thought... Someone's stomach just rumbled. Whose stomach just rumbled? It wasn't me.

Or was it? It was. Yeah. Congratulations. Morning, guys. Can I be the first contribution of the year? You can get daytime fireworks. Instead of having a chemical reaction to get colours. They use different

inks. That's from Adam in Chingford. He says check out the video on YouTube so I think he might have a business interest. No, you're alright. Exactly. So what else? I don't think Albion did that. Remember indoor fireworks? Do you remember those? No. I don't think we were allowed those.

That was for the children that watched his wars. They sound like a health and safety nightmare. We were more, yeah. No, they were like... We were swap shop children. That's not what I'm all about. They were like sort of, a sort of solid version of smoke. He used to get a look of a grey house.

With my parents, you had that 24-7, love. Was this in the days before smoke alarms? Oh, don't mention smoke alarms to me. Really? Why? You're going to have to start emailing me this stuff. I slept with one last night. There's no way to talk about a lady.

On the minute, going, you know when they do that smoke alarms? Was this in your abode? Well, I stayed in my Covent Garden apartment last night. Another badvent Garden apartment last night. I love that one.

Throughout the night. Well, you're allowed to talk about that one. You're getting the skin. I love that one. Oh, man. So I took it to pieces, thinking it's a battery change. It's no battery. It's wired to the...

Oh. I couldn't stop it. I pressed buttons all night. Did you rip it out? I didn't rip it out, as in... I think if you ripped it out, it'd probably go off forever, wouldn't it? No. I suppose it could, actually. I should have ripped it out, you're right.

Oh, it's absolutely the most depressing thing ever. Frank, I'm finding the glasses on the head strangely alluring. Oh, really? Now, I know you and I have a 100% platonic relationship. Yes. That's one of my dearest friends. But, nevertheless, the glasses on the head and the tie, it's all gone a bit legal case. I've got 12 hours to crack the case.

Yes. With a little bit newspaper proprietor thrown in for good measure. So, can we take a picture for the social media? You can. You see it that way. I'm thinking it's more like young Dennis Norton in the writer's room of The Glombs with Frank Muir.

That's how I'm seeing it. Yes, so... Younger listeners can now look up Shubby's Almanac. God, I had a girl in the front row the other day I didn't know Noel Coward was. Goodness me. I mean, come on, people.

People. Unacceptable. No, it's not good enough. So I'll tell you something, though, and maybe I shouldn't start it because the Fez has arrived. I should say, I should explain the Fez. I don't think we've ever explained it before. But if the link's getting a bit long,

the producer puts a small fez next to me. Is it a pass-ag fez? Yeah. I don't know what that means. A passive-aggressive fez. Oh, I suppose there's an element of that in it. It's one of the fringe ones, rather than the ones with

a little loop on the top. It's a fringe fez, and it just sits at the side of me, and it means shut up. Basically. So, I've been fez'd, so here we go. the top. It's a fringe fez and it just sits at the side of me and it means shut up, basically. So I've been fez'd, so here we go. Frank Skinner on the radio. So I drove home from

let's say Suffolk Was it Suffolk or Norfolk? Norfolk. Come on, it's like Kylie and Danny Minogue, they're basically the same. Yeah. So I drove back from there alone. And it's the first time, I think,

I've driven an entire journey on the motorway. Well, not... I think I overtook a couple of times, but mainly on the inside lane. All right. Is that the slow lane? Yeah. Well, it's not officially... Okay. It's technically a slow lane, but mainly on the inside lane. All right. Is that the slow lane? Yeah. Well, it's not officially, okay.

It's technically a slow lane, but yeah. Let's not get into that. Well, it is in my car, darling. Because the other two lanes are just for overtaking. They are. They are. Lane one and then two overtaking lanes. So, and I'll tell you why, and this may sound slightly ridiculous, but it was the 30th of

December. And I, by then... It was a day in November. It was 2016. I'm thinking, I don't want to be another one on the list. Yeah. I honestly thought that. I thought I'm going to drive more carefully

because celebrities are dropping like... I think I thought about checking how you were every day since I last saw you. I like you in your little suit and your little car in the slow lane you think you're rock and roll i don't want to live fast are you but exactly you don't want to be like you know the sort of i don't want to bring up the the be the full stop to like muhammad ali and david bowie and prince and and all that and then finally finally... And my beloved George. Frank Skinner's gone.

Yeah. Yes, I know what you mean, although... Well, there was a rush at the end of the year. It was like the sales. They were going... It was like a penalty shootout at the end. There was a mad rush of celebrities dying. And it honestly affected me. I drove extremely carefully.

I thought, if I could just get through this year, I'm in with a shout. We're back to a level playing field. Yeah. I would say whilst we're on the subject of what I will insist on calling the slow lane, regardless of what the urban swami says, I am increasingly drawn to the slow lane.

And this is because I've decided I prefer the people in the slow lane. I'm because i've decided i prefer the people in the slow lane yeah i'm just i don't want to get into politics but i'm just saying i think the fast lane people it's a bit the people have spoken well i can see that but yeah i know i think i know how they would vote these people in the fast lane and they're a bit party organizer with a black open neck shirt and a leather pendant i think well that's what i wear when driving i think it's a generalization i think we can safely say it's the middle about offending people in the fast lane well i spend some time in the fast lane i really wish now we've got 2016

i'm back to driving i'm back to 105 miles an hour. What is your favourite lane? If you had to stay on one lane for the rest of your life, what would it be? I think it probably would be the inside lane. The middle lane is full of some of the worst people on the planet who just sit there like fools. Totally agree.

Get rid of the middle lane. I won't be sharing my favourite lane stories with you. I think this is the most solid observation you've ever done on the show. The middle lane is populated by fools. I mean, get out of the middle. Why are you in the middle? I know it's off-set. How long are you allowed to stay?

Can we just establish? How long are you allowed to stay in there for before you start being judged? You're overtaking. It's an overtaking lane. It's not a sit there until you get to where you're going lane. I had a mate who used to... A woman said to me once, she said,

when you pass your test, I'll give you a bit of a tip, when you get on the motorway, as soon as you can get into the middle lane and then just stay there, it takes all the decision-making out of it. The worst advice. Terrible. And then I had a mate and he got like a big jag

and he used to drive. And we used to be cars overtaking us on both sides. Awful. And somebody said it was in the car. It's like watching somebody blow up a very large balloon. You're just waiting for the moment. There was cars like going ahead and cotting into the inside. Just didn't seem to notice.

I've got a feeling that the equivalent show of this last year, we began our extremely forensic discussion of parking. This year we'll go on to motorway. We'll go back to that. But that same bloke who owned the Jaguar, I once drove him, and I drove a bit faster than him. But even though I had an old car, it was a 1967 Vauxhall Viva. And I remember there was a bit where he got into a panic and shouted,

think of your Conrods. I never quite knew what they were. But if I need a catchphrase for 2017, that's what I'm going to go for. Frank Skinner on the radio. I wouldn't say the switchboard has lit up, but we've had some middle lane driving texts. And about the fast lane, or as I call it, the party organiser lane. 512 has texted, Nigel from Barnsley, names of lanes on motorway, 1,

2 and 3. Middle lane hogging, now illegal. Undertaking illegal. Is it illegal? Yep. Can I say he's used exclamation marks for every single one of these statements, which I like. It's very... I'm trying to verbally hit those exclamation marks, yeah. Agree with Frank, worst people in the world

laying two at 65 miles per hour. That gets two exclamation marks. And Ian Angel has done one of his first... Brace yourselves. First pun of the year. Time to play some middle-of-the-road music for him. Very good. Happy New Year.

Excellent work. And any other hands and insults? Well, I mean, I say it's off-sade about those people, but I still, I still think it. I still, why, it is off-sade. I'm going to call it a cliché about people in the middle lane, but it doesn't, they don't seem to have heard it. No.

It's not that wide spread. No. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I got home anyway on my own and I opened the door and I was carrying in

some stuff from the car and I heard... I'm not a policeman taking a report down. I heard... Yeah, I was proceeding in the northerly direction and I heard water

dripping quite quickly which is what you don't want to hear when you get back. And yes, I was proceeding in a northerly direction and I heard water dripping quite quickly, which is what you don't want to hear when you get back. And yes, I'd wet myself. No, I hadn't. There'd been, well, there was a massive leak. And not like Max Boyce used to have on stage. Or Julian Assange. And it had gone through three floors of the house.

It was... Oh. It was... And it was still pouring. And I realised I didn't know where my stopcock was. That's the kind of man I am. Well, it's been a while since you've had to find that. Well, exactly.

I haven't touched it for years. So I did something I never thought I'd do. What? I pleaded with Siri. You know, I've always been very anti-Siri. Yeah. I'd say, I refer to him in RS as the Siri-eriot. You did.

But I was actually going, I'd switched it off, I switched it back on and I was going, Siri, Siri, into the phone, I'm not kidding. And he didn't answer straight away. You know when you haven't called someone for a while. Right. They're a little bit sniffy with you. Yes.

And I was going, Siri. And he suddenly said, can I help you? And I said, local emergency plumber's 24 hours. Did Siri deliver? And Siri sent me a list of about six. That's all right. Oh, Siri. But I have criticised Siri.

I've always thought he's an interloper. Is this your apology for Siri? Yes, it is. Can I say that when you need Siri, he was there for me. He was prepared to forgive my criticism. I'm so impressed that you did that. You called Siri instead of your PA. Well, it was the 30th of December.

She was on holiday. Oh, right. Um, I called her after Siri and said, here's some numbers you might want to phone. Oh, dear, man. So I'm being dehumidified as we speak. Oh, are you? It's a bit ticklish, but I'm all right with it.

Oh, man, we got some roaring high-level machinery in the house. Did it work? Was it all right? It was still three weeks, they said, to try it out. Whoa. I mean, come on. Wow-ee. Come on, people.

Mm-hmm. The Botox didn't take that long. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Do it. So on New Year's Eve, Frank, I had you on in the background Which made me feel lovely and secure And warm That's nice Lovely way to see in the new year Then it went straight into

Robbie Williams Rocks Live Or something I think it was called Oh did it? Did you see this? I didn't, I was on the balcony whistling Oh yes Did you see this Al? I did not see it, no.

Okay. It was, allow me to tell you about it. Uh-huh. It was an extraordinary spectacle. What was it? I mean, I'm a fan of Roberta Williams, don't get me wrong. Me too. I think he's that rare thing, a pop star who can laugh at himself a little bit.

Okay. However, I had a few issues with this event. Okay. Howevs. I had a few issues with this event. Okay. So the concept was, you know, they allowed him, he did one own stuff song. They allowed him to do one own stuff, I think, and then he did all the greatest hits. Right, crooners, that sort of stuff. Right. No, he did his new song, I think he did too, something about the Russians.

Oh, yeah. And then... Not, um... Not well. Oh, yeah. And they're... Not, um... Not well. Oh, I'm sorry. That would be great if Robbie Williams had done this. Let me... He's doing the May Day march this year.

Stirring, isn't it? It is stirring. But I felt for Roberto, because I do like him, but I think that's a tough gig, isn't it? It is stirring. But I felt for Roberto, because I do like him, but I think that's a tough gig, isn't it? Yeah. Seeing in the new year, because the level of expectation, come on. It's a pressure gig. And firstly, he made us...

Do you remember when Jerry Halliwell presented him with a brick? She kept insisting on calling him Robert, because they'd had a brief relationship, and she wanted to say, I know him a little bit better than most people. Oh, really? Oh, fine. A bit bitter, because that was his little pin-up.

He went out and he said, thank you. He thanked Melvin, I think, but he called him Marvin, which is a bit unfortunate. He thanked who? Melvin. Is Melvin from Kiss, I think? Yeah. So he's one of our stablemates. And he called him Marvin.

So get the name right. Oh, that's the one whenever you say anything about him. Sarah, our producer today, says, typical Melvin. To the point of it's become a catchphrase. I mean, in real warm hearted.

Oh, she got mentionitis. In an affectionate way. Oh, that's nice. But she got so excited when he was on Strictly. And then he went out week one. I'll tell you what Robbie did then. So Robbie had the black trousers,

bit ice skater trousers and a black shirt. Right. And his hair's quite chubby. He did look a bit security at a Cardiff nightclub. Okay. Let's be honest here. Yeah. And the thin belt.

And then he did something strange. He brought the dad on. He brought his dad on. Oh, OK. His dad's a singer, isn't he? Is he? Mm-hmm. I believe so.

I think he's... I think he's a singer in the sense that I'm a singer. I think he's, yeah. He's a rich wine house. I don't think he's a recorded artist. The thing is, Frank, I don't really want to spend years with anyone's dad. Not even Robbie Williams.

You've changed. Yeah. So, it's just... It was a hard gig, I think, for the dad. Okay. Because the tensions built. Oh, it had to be a new year. And then I'm seeing it in with some, you know, Robbie Williams' dad. But did his dad sing?

He did, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to guess what his dad sang. Did he sing... I can't even remember, but go on. We can all guess. What do you think he'd go for, Dad? Halfway to

Paradise, Billy Fury classic. I want to be your lover. Do you think he sang the loneliest man in the world? There's got to be some Sinatra. Fly Me to the Moon,

he's classic. The big story is that Robbie shook hands with the crowd there's got to be some Sinatra. Fly me to the moon. He's classic. Oh, yeah, he's classic. But the big story, isn't it, is that Robbie shook hands with the crowd in a warm heart. Auld Lang Syne. Man of the people. Oh, he did the Auld Lang Syne thing? Yeah.

Then after Auld Lang Syne, Frank, what did he do? I understand that he took out hand sanitiser and cleaned his hands. Which I think is a funny joke, if it was a joke. The idea of him touching the general public and then cleaning himself

I find very funny. He's been touching the general public for years. Exactly, I think that's He's saying it's a joke. I think it's a joke. When I think about what I did with the general public people are sanitising just because they've shook their hands.

I was, God, I was living in the fast lane at least I wasn't living in the middle lane alright people, annoying people should have that life in the middle lane we've had another text on that very topic special people who derive pleasure

from educating in inverted commas, middle lane hoggers by doing the lane one, two, three, two, one manoeuvre, need I mention, and some derision from Rebecca. Do you think derision? I do that. I do that.

I go round, cut straight into the inside lane and often hit the squirters as I go. You're an absolute menace. They're going to be taught. How do you teach them? Do you remember Harvey Smith used to teach the show jumpers by putting he used to put hedgehog skins

on the top of the fence and they'd jump a bit higher No, I'm not condoning cruelty to animals No, that's very disapproved of in my yard I've got hedgehog skins on the top of the fence I don't like it myself But the reason he did that is he couldn't find a way of getting through to them.

So he went desperate. And I'm not saying that was right. Let's face it, love, we've all gone desperate. But I've reached that stage. Come on, Harvey! I've reached that stage with the middle lanes.

Okay? Yeah. Okay. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Can I just say before we go back to Robbie and his hand wash that we had a very nice letter from Lucy Barr from Walsall.

And she sent us a pen each. Oh, excellent. Which means she's endeavoured to theme. No. So, I've got... I like that she's thought of all of us. Well, I've got a Doctor Who pen with a Cyberman that floats up and down. Oh, swap, yeah?

Yeah. What have I got? Hang on, does mine... Go on, guess. Does mine have a lady on that gets undressed, if I turn it? No. Oh. No, yours is nom-chak pens.

No way. That is brilliant. Is mine... That is genuinely great. Is it equestrian themed? It is equestrian themed. Yes! It's got a galloping horse on it.

Oh. I'm so happy with my horse. She has a request which we'll deal with discreetly. Thank you so much for that. That's lovely. Anyway, the thing is about Robbie there seems to be

a feeling that because he shook hands with the public and then sanitised it, that is somehow disrespecting the public. Yeah, I think that's the joke he was making. Well, I don't know if he said it was a joke. I mean, he said that he spent a lot of time in LA and he's become a bit of a germaphobe.

I think he turns it into a camp, funny onstage joke, but he is genuinely sanitising. Right. But people wash their hands after they've been to the urinal. It doesn't mean they're disrespecting their own winkle. Does it? Well, there's a sentence I haven't predicted. It's a fraudulent statement.

No, but it doesn't. It's just a practical thing. You know, if you do it to your own self, then surely it's not disrespectful to do it to someone else. We've got a title for the podcast. I panic when a hand is proper to Paul. Disrespecting your own self, then surely it's not disrespectful to do it to someone else. I panic when a hand is proper to Paul. Disrespecting your own wing. I think we've got a title

for Frank's third volume in his autobiography. I think... I never disrespect but I do look down on it. But you let others. I'll tell you something. When people... I've often thought you know when people get too big for their boots? I've often thought that I have grown too big for my own winkle.

Sorry, this is gone. This is the worst we've ever gone. No disrespect to lovely Claudia, by the way, this link. No, certainly not. I hadn't thought of that before. No? No. So, the point is, Frank, if a hand is proffered forth these days, I panic.

It is a bit. We've grown frightened, haven't we, of the handshake? I'd rather have a hug than a handshake. My autobiography ties all paths. But I would, because I feel that's cleaner and I'm protected by quite expensive clothes. Whereas I feel with the handshake, I mean, I don't know where that's been. Well, it's true, isn't it? I mean, the old Lang's I know is a death trap.

Because you've got a hand both sides. You've got a circulatory threat of the crossed arms. Yeah. But then you're shaking hands. Often it just so happens to be next to you. I wouldn't... If somebody shook hands with me and then disinfected in front of me just so happens to be next to you. I wouldn't, if somebody shook hands with me and then disinfected in front of me,

I would not be offended by that. Right. I just think, you know, it's a practical attitude to life. Sarah, producer, just mouthed, I would. She would? Yeah. Be offended. Oh, it's too late now.

Well, there's a man in the mirror today. I can't remember his name now, but he says at the top something like Frank Fearless, and then he has in brackets, and funny, which I would never, ever put on anything. You've got to be really confident to put and funny. And he absolutely lays into Robbie that he's lost touch with the people.

And then he says at the end, well, I'll tell you what, I washed my hands after I've touched the tape, that CD. And I thought, that's slightly out of date, that insult, isn't it? It retro. Everything about it. He's streaming his music by now, shouldn't he? No, but not just... Oh, God, I took in a...

I turned up to do... When I started... I'm doing gigs at the moment at the Solo Theatre, and I turned up with my walk-on music and the music for, you know, the people when they come in to play. And I took the CDs in, and I gave it to the sound man and he said, I haven't got a CD player.

It's a theatre. And I said, I hope he said it's a theatre, Dick Comadier. I said, what did the other, what did the last people, he said the last people, they just,

they brought it on a stick. Turned out it was Dick Whittington. Frank Sennett on the stick. Turned out it was Dick Whittington. Frank Spenner on the radio. Gavin has been in touch. Gavin, okay. His name is Gavin Douglas. He said, don't knock Robbie. Well, I don't think we were knocking Robbie. All British

Olympic athletes are told not to shake hands or even open doors. The risk of flu, etc etc is very high for people whose jobs rely on staying well carry on robbie i love that film and i love robbie in fairness we were just wondering whether this was something which was commonplace or how many other people i think we we're actually siding with rob. I'm siding with him. There's people there. And actually with... There's people there who so need to be offended. There are. Chris from Oxford has emailed saying,

Hi gang, re-Robbie and the hand gel incident. It's not the fact that he used the hand gel, but the camera zoomed in on him screwing up his face whilst doing it. And then he adds one of those smiley... You know when you put a curl on and then there's... It's all part of the perf, isn't it? I thought so. Your average hand sanitiser is 65% alcohol.

Right. There's no way to talk about my hand sanitiser. I pay him well. It's true, 65% alcohol. So it would be safer for me to have human excrement on my hand. If the choice comes up. Because I'm unlikely to get addicted to human excrement, whereas... I don't think it's an either or.

Unless you're on some weird Japanese game show or something. It is, though. It's high. I think it's got more than vodka. Is that right? Seems a bit much. Bit much of a muchness. Yeah, you think.

You're right. Meanwhile, over in Times Square, Mariah was having something of a mare. Having a mare-ire. Were you aware of this? A mare-ire. She was there for the... That's what she should be called.

No, they do the big ball drop in Times Square. Yes, I've seen that. That's very busy, that nurse. Yes, it's a doll phenomenon. I've seen it, and they make an enormous fuss about it, and basically it's a big metal ball moving about 20 feet, isn't it? But, you know, it's better than fireworks on television. That's what I always say.

Or daylight. Yeah. Yeah, she had an earpiece malfunction, didn't she? And she was not H-A-P-P-Y. She was... I've spent a lot of time with children recently. It was what they called an epic lip-sync disaster. Oh, yeah.

Do you think she was going to fake it? Was it a lip-sync challenge? She was mime-ing, was she? Is that the idea? Oh, yes. And I read about this, and apparently you, I assume, neither of you will be that familiar with the song Emotions, which I am.

How dare you suggest that? I know it well. But in the song Emotions... I'm not only not familiar with the song. I don't really feel. Well, it's called Emotions. Let me guess. And she says, you got me feeling emotions. Exactly.

You got me feeling emotions. You're breaking my heart. She sounds a bit more Elvis Costello. You got me covered in lotion. But not on every part. Is it that one? Now, that I would download. Okay.

This is... It's a hit. You've got me feeling emotions deeper than I've ever known. Sorry. You've got me feeling emotions. Okay. Higher than the highest up above. I believe those are the actual lyrics.

Higher than the highest up above. Something like that. Demonstrably untrue. When she sung that song yeah she was capable of doing what's called the whistle register all right which is a high g i believe which very few people are capable of this sound only dogs and babies it's a very piercing scream noise yes she's no longer capable of that. Hence the miming, I would imagine. I can understand if she's, you know, I saw Julie Andrews

at the O2 and she had nothing left. Nothing. She had nothing left! Forty quid a tiki. We'll find out more about it. That was my godfather's show, actually, so I'll be benefiting from that.

OK, lovely. True story. Yeah, I feel sorry for... I mean, I've never seen it with the Mariah. It's completely passed me by, the whole Mariah phenomenon. You know I married her, obviously. Did you? Do you remember I married her?

I played the vicar in a sketch when she married... Oh, yes. ...Deck. Was it called SMTV there, Saturday morning? Sometimes your anecdotes sound like dreams, and sometimes your dreams sound like genuine anecdotes. Oh, so you've been up close and personal. I have been up close.

I wouldn't say she was chatty. She wasn't one of these... She was no James McAvoy. She wasn't. She didn't come in... They said that she is rehearsing, but she's rehearsing on her own. Right. one of these. She was no James McAvoy. She wasn't. She didn't come in and she... They said that she is rehearsing, but she's rehearsing on her own. Right.

So she came in. I mean, she was off the book straight away. But no, she wasn't genial. Right. No. But... Well, she says at one point during the calamitous incident, she starts sort of ad-libbing, doesn't she? She just starts talking over the backing track

because she doesn't know what to do. She thinks, I'm not going to sing, and she's furious. So she puts her hands on her hips in an angry manner. There's plenty of room. It's all going to be Tom Jones. And then she says at one point, I'm trying to be a good sport here. Yeah.

Are you? I like the idea of, has the concept of Mariah Carey being a good sport ever been introduced into the public forum before? Do you think all of her staff went, it's a bit late for New Year's resolutions now? What about if that's it, she's actually going to be a good sport in 2017? I put it this way. What about if that's it? She's actually going to be a good sport in 2017. I put it this way. If she had on her social media bio,

Mariah Carey, good sport, I wouldn't be buying what she's selling. I'm really... What about if she really changes and starts taking the mickey out of herself and says, let's do that wedding again and this time... I'm one of the guys. That would be,

I'm looking forward to it. Frank Skinner on the radio. Yeah, so, I felt a bit sorry for Mariah, but there's a great thing she said,

which I didn't really get at first. She ended by saying bring the feathers. Bring the feathers? That's what she said. Because she opens the show with feathers that part. Yes.

Doesn't she? Yeah, you know the old tradition? The backing dancers. A bit like, you know in Chicago when Billy does that? No, I do, I know that. Razzle dazzle. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't get that.

It's like a 30s kind of strip joint. Yeah, yeah, I know. So she says, bring the feathers, it just don't get any better. And I thought, I mean, I'd read, I had an idea I'd read somewhere. She was a fly fishing enthusiast. I didn't know she tied her own lures. She did something which I rather loved the next day. She posted a few responses to it,

one of which involved a category C swear word, so we won't go there. But another, she traditionally posts a picture of herself in a hot tub wearing a swimsuit. Does she? Yes. And this year, it was just her. This was her response to the disaster.

It was her in a gold one-shouldered swimsuit with a bottle of alcohol behind her in a hot tub, just saying Aspen moments. And I think we could all do with being a little more Aspen moments in life. Say what? Aspen. What does that mean? Aspen the ski resort.

Aspen the ski resort. Oh, I thought you meant as in ask Aspen. No. So she'd got out of wherever she was, New York, Times Square was it? Yes. All this debacle took place. It is. She was already in Aspen.

Yeah, she's actually talking about it. I don't have the distances. She likes a swimming costume, Mariah. Yeah. And in some ways, I have a sort of respect for that. I saw Aretha Franklin live back in 96. Swimming cozy? No.

At the All-Star Baseball Show in Philadelphia. So they have an enormous game mid-season in which the best players from one league play the best players from another. And it's very razzmatazz. And anyway, she was on stage. And you had to have a laminate. I love any laminate-based anecdotes. You have to have a laminate that just gets you into the whole event.

But her band had also got Aretha Franklin laminates, which had a picture of her on it. So the band started playing, and one of the blokes in the band, his Aretha Franklin laminate was tucked in his top pocket, so you couldn't quite see, you could just see the sort of lanyard. And then the other one was hanging there. She's in the middle of a song, this catches her eye. She walks over to this guy while still singing

and takes the laminate out of the top pocket and puts the other laminate in the top pocket, thus obscuring it. Excellent. And the great thing was, there's a couple of the other guys had got, like, both laminates on, and you could see they were edgy.

Should they put the general laminate in their pocket before Aretha sees them? You see that? I love that in a performer, in an icon. Attention to detail, attention to detail attention to admin but people like that sort of behaviour particularly from women singers

the whole diva theory that's what they're after but it just don't get any better when she said that she likes the nude outfit as well how do you feel about these nude outfits she went for one of those leotards

that looks like... What's that thing at school when people grab your pants and lift it up? Oh, the wedgie? Yeah, it looks like it's like a sort of, it's a permanent wedgie. Brilliant. I still frequently use the word wedgie, but I haven't used the word leotard for

a long time. Well, that's her next album, Permanent Wedgie. I don't think she was wearing heels. I just think she was naturally raised up onto her tiktok by wearing a wedgie. She actually bought a wedgie to wear. The thing is, she's obviously after the high G. She should have worn a high G string.

I'll get you onto the whistle register. Yeah, exactly. It certainly will. So, yeah, a bit of respect to her. She's sort of... R-E-S-P-E-C-T is a ring to her.

Well, I think she's got that thing. I was actually... She's definitely got that thing. Well, she's got that thing. But it's in her. Which my grandmother had. And I'm not comparing her automatically to my grandmother. No.

However, there are similarities in that I've still got it. The sort of clothes are getting smaller as she gets older. Yeah. And I have a sort of respect for that. Wouldn't do it myself. No, I think she looked, you know, I don't want to be laddish about it, but I think she looked quite, you know. Get it out, Ryan, why not?

You know what I'm talking about, Willis? She looked hot, but flustered. When you get flustered, you do get hot. True enough, yeah. Oh, bring on the feathers. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One of the times I did a gig in Manchester and the organiser said to me,

when I arrived, he said, we've got a slight problem with the sound system. I said, what is it? He said, we don't have a microphone. Oh, that's quite a problem. Yes, Mariah should counter... Was this before the popular phrase, you had one job?

That was his one job. Yeah, exactly. I liked it when she said, I mean, there's a few quotes in the article about Mariah, but I liked it when she said, I wanted a holiday too. Can't I just have one?

You're not studied, Mariah. But I've got a bit of experience with toddlers, and this sounds like she's overtired. Like, Mariah's, she's having a little tantrum, she needs a little bit of rest, maybe swaddled, and then just her reset button pressed, you know. There was a fair bit of what I believe Pink Floyd called dark sarcasm.

Yeah. Wait, I mean, that thing, it don't get any better. It don't get any better. I don't think she believed that. No. She says at one point, we didn't have a check for this song, so let's just say I went to number one. Oh, come on.

Respect to Munda. I thought you'd approve of that, Frank. I saw Jerry Lee Lewis once on the Old Grey Whistle Test, and he said that every one of his singles had gone to number one. Which was like, people talk about the Donald Trump and the post truth thing, but this was Jerry Lee Lewis with such a presence that the bloke was

frightened to contradict him. And he said, I remember he said, check your billboard. Which is like the music magazine. And that was it. He just stuck with it. Really? Brilliant.

Every single, I've been to number one. Brilliant. That's what Blondie's owner said, lie big. Lance Armstrong, one big lie. A few more than that, actually, Lance. About a thousand a day for about a decade. That would be a good news. A good news resolution would be the post-truth thing

of just saying stuff about you that makes it the big deal. Resolution? You do that every day of your life. Anyway, there's an elephant in the room. How dare you? Well, sorry. I must wait over Christmas. I was one of the few people that did. I also ate over Christmas. I know. I was one of the few people that did. I also ate over Christmas. Did you?

Mm. How much? About five or six pounds. Really? Mm. Just don't get any better. I ate so much over Christmas. I mean, I was having three starters.

Did you eat your own beard? And then two puddings. I thought something had changed about you. My beard was gone. I started shaving again. Is that the elephant in the room you're referring to? Is that what you're talking about? Yes, basically.

There isn't a real elephant in the room. One of us has shaved their beard off. I thought it was a metaphor. But yours is more noticeable than mine. Can I say, speaking of elephants in the room, you know the Loch Ness, the famous Loch Ness, what they call the surgeon's photograph? Yes. Oh yeah.

Of the... I read a theory about this that someone thinks it looks like an elephant's trunk coming out of the water in Loch Ness. What's an elephant doing in that Loch Ness? That's a bigger mystery. I could accept a giant

reptile over... There's an elephant in... Yeah. Underwater. There was a circus in town the week that photo was taken. Who decided to take part in a prank. With just a trunk sticking up. Like, you know, like it's hiding.

You know when they hide in films and they get a straw and stick it out the water? Very obedient elephant. It's the strangest thing. I also discovered that the surgeon's photograph, he wasn't actually a surgeon, he was a gynecologist. But in the 1930s or whatever it was, when they found it,

they couldn't call it the gynecologist's photograph. It was too controversial. So they had to change him to a surgeon. How about that? There you go. Programme with the facts. Nevertheless, which doesn't detract from the lack of hair.

I've shaved my face and had a trim. So what prompted this, Al? Partly boredom, I think. And partly my wife saying you need a haircut every day for about three months before Christmas. She probably didn't mean the lower part of your head. I know, but I just, you know... How does she feel about it now?

I think she's fine. The children said it's like kissing grandad, who's got a stubble, I guess. Yeah. My partner's been saying that to me for years. A few men have said that to me as well. But the verdict has ranged between, My partner's been saying that to me for years. A few men have said that to me as well. But the verdict has ranged between I look five years younger to the upper limit was 27.

I look 27, which would make me a teenager, so I'm taking that. One of the things that happens if you've had a beard for a while and you get rid of it is that the whole lower part of your face looks sort of slightly shrunken and incomplete. Right. Well, that's rather rude. No, I'm sorry. A New Year's resolution?

I'm generalising. I must have been awake over Christmas, too. I'm generalising. So half my face is gone. I think it makes you look very fresh-faced, unsurprisingly. I mean, that was the intention, I imagine. I suppose. I think it takes a few years off you as well.

Mm, 27, I imagine. I suppose. I think it takes a few years off you as well. 27, I've heard. I think you look more ocean-colour-seen than you've ever looked. What, with Frank's Botox? Yeah. And your beard rejuvenation? I wish you wouldn't pronounce them like that. I'm going to have to go facelift to compete with you two.

Why don't you go for the Shelley Winters wingnut onto the... I had a friend who did a... He did a chat show with Shelley Winters. Do you know the actor? Yes, I do. Poseidon Adventure. And she had one of the early facelifts and she had a wig and underneath it was a large wingnut.

And when she did a public appearance of some kind she'd have the wingnut tightened and that brought all her face into a facelift. But when she got home relaxed, took the shoes off, undo the wingnut, and the face went back down again. I'm going for the budget version. I call it ponytail. But I think that's great.

A facelift that you can lower when you're relaxing at home. It's like putting your pyjamas on. It is, yeah. It is. It's the plastic surgeon's version of the elasticated waist. That's my next resolution. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. The way some people follow the carnival. You know those, you see any kind of a parade, there's just people in ordinary street clothes that just walk along at the end of it.

And then you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You know what, one thing I love, it's a website. Do you? Oh, yeah. Apparently they're on the decline, but... Are they? For you, yeah. What?

What are they? People don't need them as much anymore. Apps. No. That's like, unlike my Kim Jong to be behind the times. Yeah. Because he's just caught up with the interweb, hasn't he? He's got four...

They've got four websites now. Have they? Did you know that? They've got four websites. In you know that they've got four websites in north korea oh i've had a look at them i love them oh you've had a look well apparently there was some security breach so for a very brief period and then someone took a screenshot of them and one was something like dedicated to our noble leader obviously i sort of expect that yeah me too and the other three were sort of along the same lines.

Oh, were they? Yeah. I thought the fourth one was go compare. The last thing that Kim Jong-un wants the North Koreans to do is to go compare to any other regime. And none of them are a careers website in Korea. Oh. I think there would be career careers or something like that.

Oh, what a shame. There you go. We've had a text, an email titled Loch Ness saying I saw that documentary about Loch Ness and the elephant's trunk. I think they said there was a troop of elephants nearby and that's why the theory surfaced.

Okay. That can't be true. A troop of elephants nearby. In Scotland. I think they mean... There was a circus in town. Did they mean that? They mean a circus, surely.

He's being a silly billy. And one of them was bathing in the lock. Do you think? Well, it could happen. I'm not saying it couldn't happen. I'm just saying I find the Loch Ness Monster more believable. In the same way that at three o'clock this morning I thought fire might be preferable to the beep emitted by a smoker lock.

Got you. Got you. We really need to talk about one of my favourite characters from the news of recent times, which is the... What, Trump? No. OK, sorry. I mean, I know you all think I'm a Trump apologist, but I just spotted it earlier. I spotted his rising popularity. you all think I'm a Trump apologist, but I just spotted it earlier.

I spotted his rising popularity. Do you want to hear a Trump apologist? Yeah. I might have misread that. It'll be all right. The grumpy bookseller in the north of England that's been... Oh, I love him. Lovely pub.

He's great. You know who I mean? The guy that apparently charges people... I'm surprised he's great you know who I mean the guy that apparently charges people I'm surprisingly in Yorkshire to walk around his bookshop 50p and says things like I'm a bit anti-social I suppose and stuff

he said I'm not a people person is what he said he said I say what I think I don't butter my parsnips did he say that? which was a great quote, yeah. Excellent. Why change the subject? If you're not a people person,

maybe don't have a public-facing job. Were you a people person? No. No, I didn't think you were. You've got a public-facing job. There's only four of us in this room. There's five. But, all right, fair enough.

Yeah, I feel his pain exactly well I've got a certain I mean they said that the for a start-up he's called Steve Bloom

yes and his shop in Yorkshire is called Bloomingdale's yeah without the G as far as I can see so it's

Bloom in Dale's oh that's first class so he likes likes a pun, he's a bit of a git. What's not to like? In another life. He's all right, old bloomer. I'm really glad you raised that because there were elements of this story, and don't take this the wrong way, that I did think, oh, it's a bit like my Frank. Yeah. I mean, you're not a I-don't-button-my-parsnips type, but I didn't altogether judge this character.

Well, I think he's been roundly condemned even by his local council. Yeah. Yeah, I think people are worried that he's giving the county a bad name or something. The place where he lives in Yorkshire, is it pronounced Hawth? I don't know. I was a bit suspicious.

Now, bear with me. The chairman of the council is called John Blackie, right? Right. Now, this was his quote. I'm making no comment on this. I'm just saying this was his actual quote. This is about what had happened. He defended some holidaymakers, the man, by saying something a bit rude to them in the shop. He said, unfortunately, despite enjoying their holiday, Dr. Bates and his two friends from Holland had taken the memory of a very unsatisfactory experience in whores away with them.

I would want to have a word with John Blackie, the council chairman, and just to make sure that he's taking his job 100% seriously. Frank Skinner on the radio. One thing this Mr Bloom does do is attempt to put his rudeness on a scale, on a sliding scale, doesn't he? Yeah, I like that. He says, he admits to being, open quotes,

medium to low rude. Oh, did he? Yes. Okay. Now, how would you describe yourself on the rudeness scale? I don't think of myself as rude at all. No, I don't either, but if one has to...

I think gittery is a slightly different pastime from rudeness. OK. I don't wish to be abrasive. OK. I... As far as I can see, the main criticism of Bloomer... Yeah. ...is that he charges 50 pence to go into his shop.

He says he returns it, doesn't he? He returns it if they spend 50 pence. I don't think they have to go so far as to spend it. Do they? He just has to realise that they're not... He charges them on entry and he said

I've stuck by my policy of asking for 50p from customers, but the reality is that I don't actually take it. The 50p charges me making sure they're serious about coming into my shop to buy something. I like that. I very much like the fact that he's looking for commitment. Yeah.

This is a man whose policy, I think, could be described, considering he's a bookshop owner, his policy could be described as anti-browsing. Yes. Not just standing for ten minutes reading a book to pass the time, as some people do. I do that in bookshops quite frequently. I spent 25 minutes in files the other night.

But I might have bought... Is that club still going? It is. But I thought it was closed down. And I like this. I don't want him to sound too stubborn, but I like, there are times when I've wondered whether it's the right thing to do, but I stand by it.

I don't think you should confess to that doubt. I think that sentence should just be, I stand by it. Don't tell people that there was a... He lays himself on the... He's quite open though, Slu-Mo. I think, I lays himself on the... He's quite open, though. He's so slow. I think... I mean, I don't want to go too wild here.

I think he's got the potential to be a friend of the show, this character. Oh, well, I have it. Frank, listen. Let's look at the evidence. I mean, he was so rude, one customer tipped his dinner over him. Now, why did he have the dinner in the shop?

Yeah. What consistency was the dinner? How was the dinner? I'm guessing, you know when people sell ice cream from those trays? I'm guessing he had one of those on with a plate and a knife and fork and a cruet on it.

Why did he have his dinner with him? And he was just walking around eating his dinner as one normally would. And Blumo obviously said, not in the bookshop for her, please. I mean, he said, sir, then I doubt he ever calls anyone, sir. He asked, we should be fair to him,

one customer went on the, oh, I don't know, whatever people do when they comment on things. Those things like TripAdvisor. And said it was absolutely worth £50 to walk in and look around his lovely and interesting shop. And what she went on to say was you pay more for a cinema seat. That's a good point.

It is. When did she last go to the cinema? More than 50p, that's correct. When I went to see the... It's not correct enough, if you know what I mean. The smash hit, new new hit Brief Encounter only last week exactly but

50 pence if you know what you're in for like 50 pence to be shouted at by the grumpy bookshop guy I think that sounds

like a price worth paying if I was in the area I think it's quite specialist interest but let's leave it there I think it's going to become a tourist attraction that's a holiday experience

shall we go there shall we all go road trip we'd have to I mean he wouldn't know tourist attraction. That's a holiday experience. Shall we go? Shall we all go? Road trip. I mean, he wouldn't know we were. He's a second-hand bookshop owner. We could go all the way there in the middle lane and have a road trip. Take some kind of recorder, yeah.

Okay, well, I wouldn't mind. But I think we're best horny because I think they're out to get him in Hawth. Yeah. Oh, poor old Bloom. I think he's had lots of comics before. One of our readers has been into the shop. No.

Steve Merrill. Oh, really? What did he say? I'm a Brummie lad, moved to the Yorkshire Dales. Hi there. Every time I've gone into Steve Bloom's bookshop, I've had plenty of banter with this chap, and I've never paid 50p or bought a book. There you go. He's been wronged. I knew it.

Let's champion it. I could be like Joanna Lumley was with the Gurkhas. God's sake. We'll get it sorted. Frank Skinner on the radio. You know we've not been to Email Corner since last year? I mean, like, literally last year. I mean, literally last year. Not since the old king died.

I almost think it might be a Whatever Happened To Email Corner. Yeah. I mean, it's approaching that, wouldn't you say? Let's see if I can combine those two. Here you go. Dust off the old jingles. Whatever Happened To Me by Gum, Me by Gum, Me by Gum Mail Corner. goals. Whatever happens to you?

Me by gum, me by gum, me by gum mail corner. There was a bit of discussion that we should change email corner to Snapchat corner or something just a moment ago because we need to move with the times. Well, you say need to. Yeah. It chimes in with

my New Year's resolution, which is to be more grammable. Just want to be more grammable, yeah? I think with that new... What does that mean? With your new clean face, you are very grammable. So grammable. So grammable is the same as photogenic. Yeah.

Well... Or hashtag Insta-worthy. What? Insta-worthy? Depending on what you prefer, right? Oh, no. Is it going to be Insta-worthy or gramm What? Instaworthy? Depending on what you prefer. Oh, no. Is it going to be Instaworthy or Grammable? What do you prefer? I like Grammable.

Okay. Yeah. Well, you're looking so Grammable too, Frank. We're going to go to email corn. I actually look like Grammable, who was my mother's mother. Oh, yeah. Someone's been lurking in the chat rooms again. No, my mother's mother was called Polly Stocking.

No. Yeah, that was her maiden name. Really? Honestly, why would I make that up? It'd be a rubbish thing to make up in the post. I know it's the post-truth era. Even Donald Trump has said, well, it's not worth saying.

It's worth saying. Hello, Frank, and hi to Emily and Alan. Have you noticed how people in general are impressed to tell you what time they got up in the morning and what time they went to bed? I've done it myself. It's like other people should be impressed that you got up at 5.30 or didn't get up until

midday. Or, I went to bed really early last night at 9 or I didn't go to sleep until 2.30am. Same when it comes to eating. People say I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday like they are heroes. It is true. Strange email, I admit. Regards, Carl from Stourbridge.

I love strange email, I admit. I used to live in Stourbridge. I've gigged there. Where is it? We've all got a Stourbridge anecdote. From the Evil, I admit. I used to live in Stourbridge. I've got... Where is it? We've all got a Stourbridge. From the West Midlands. Oh, okay. It's, um... I used to live on a place called the Lakeside Estate.

Is that what they call that reservation? Yes. Um, but he's right. Absolutely right. I keep a regular journal. I've kept a journal now for about 10, 12 years. Yeah. And every day begins with me writing the time I woke up. Now, when am I going to want to check that?

When am I going to think, when do I wake up on December the 17th, 2008? You'd never do it, would you? Unless you were doing some sort of chart of your sleep in hours. No, never, never. Good to know, though. It's good to know that you're sleeping. Is it good to know?

Yeah, isn't it useful if you think, I'm not getting enough sleep, I can check? I can't see it myself. I mean, you did this this morning. You told us what time you went to bed and what time you get up. I know. This is what happens. No, it's absolutely right. The other thing that people love to tell you about is their dental work.

Oh, yeah. People always say I've got to go again. I've got to go again. I don't want to know that. No, sure, I'll put that in it. It's when the people say, the very smug people, the early to bed, and they say,

oh, 11 hours sleep last night. Went to bed about 8.30. What do I say to that? I think it's not so good in the marriage. I don't know what to say to you about that. I've never really challenged it as a topic, but now, the next time someone says... It'll probably make me self-conscious

about telling people what time I got up and what time I went to bed. Thanks, Carl. Something else. Is it Carl? Yeah, Carl from Starbridge. He said, strange email, I admit. It is the little things in life, though, that are worth.

I tell you what, I still, I noticed this in the summer, I still occasionally get a little bit excited when an aeroplane flies over my garden. The fact that I can lie in my own garden and see people in the sky. Isn't that marvellous? Come on, kids, join in. 8, 12, 15. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from 062, which is already my contender for favourite text of the year.

Between the ages of about 12 and 17 every night, I used to start a stopwatch before I went to sleep, stop it when I work and record the time on my calendar. I have no idea where these calendars are now or what the point was of all that recording. Also, it's not actually telling you when you slept, is it? Because he didn't go to sleep presumably immediately. No, exactly. Bedtime.

Might be one of those people that's pretty soon after that, though. One of those people. I think my wife's one of those people. You know, head on the pillow, asleep. One of those. That's when I do all my best work. Between those hours.

I think that's partly the joy of having a stopwatch between the ages of 12 and 17. Stopwatches are fantastic for, like, I'll time how long it takes for the bus to go. I can't remember the last time I timed anything with a stopwatch. It was usually with... When you play the hack game, when you have to communicate the name on the piece of paper without...

Oh, I know when I last used a stopwatch. I didn't mean to sound quite so excited. It's all right, I'll try that again. Just the little things. Oh, I know when I last used a stopwatch. When was that, Emily? When I applied fake tan. And it was fake tan to apply in the shower.

You put it on and then you have to leave it on wet skin for three minutes but no longer. Okay. So I use the stopwatch. You see, when I use conditioner, I'm aware that one can leave it on. I condition my hair, I would say, between three and five times a year. Right. Slightly fewer times than you have Botox. Yeah, and I always think that if I leave it on for too long,

there'll be an effect where it starts to get negative. So do you use the stopwatch for that? I recommend it. I know I should, but what I do is I feel it. I just feel it. So what I do is I put the conditioner on, I wash the rest of my body, thus using the rest of my body as a sort of a egg timer. Don't like the body mentions here. Sorry, but what can I say? My structure, my outer structure. Yeah, my trunk.

No, I don't like that any better. Do you not know about the trunk? Yeah, I remember when I was in Loch Ness in the 30s. Because you had that photo, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And then I find the time it takes to all over rinse is just about the right time for the conditioner to come off. That may well be, but it sounds rather haphazard.

Well, it's better than... I don't want to stop watching the shower. Stop watching the shower. I know, I know. It's serious. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're going to say we're getting a bit of stopwatch backlash. Someone's saying, Emily, you were using an alarm or timer,

not a stopwatch. Oh. I think that's a stopwatch facility. Well, you're using a countdown timer, and you've passed it off. I'll fight you to the duel over this. You've passed it off as a stopwatch, bragger. Slur on my good name. So a stopwatch, you use an account then, Timer, and you've passed it off. I'll fight you to the jewel over this. You've passed it off as a stopwatch, bragger. Slur on my good name.

So a stopwatch, you have to literally be, it has to have a hand going round. But isn't that the digital form of the stopwatch? A stopwatch is just going forward in time, whereas a timer would be counting down to zero and then it would buzz. No, mine was a stopwatch. Okay. Thank you. I'm glad we've cleared that up. Yeah, exactly.

Aggressive texter, 398. And I was worried we hadn't got an ending for the show. You know what I say to him? Bring on the feathers. Or her. Clive, 465, a.k.a., says, I woke up at 9.55 a.m. this morning as I was reading in bed until late. As a teenager staying at my pal's parents' house

when we stayed up late listening to prog rock, his dad would say as he went to bed, you're only robbing from tomorrow. I love that dad. Yeah, that's good. Good dad thing to say. I'm having that. And Sarah understands your love of the plane.

Hi Frank and Tim, me and my husband are en route to Gatwick listening to your show and will shortly be amongst the tin full of people flying overhead. I, too, like to see planes go over my garden and I like to imagine where that tin full of people are heading. Well, I'll tell you something about that. My friend Carmen, I was sitting with her in the garden and a plane went over and I said something similar to this.

She has an app that you just sort of point at the plane and it tells you where it's going. No way. Really? This, ladies and gentlemen, is the modern world. It is amazing what they can do now. Oh, what they can do with them computers. They can do everything.

That's fantastic. But it was. I was very impressed by that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Is someone else offering you rental of their house on the Heathrow flight path for your holidays, Frank?

So I can just watch... I think you'll be thrilled by the number of plane-watching opportunities that's from Jamie and Twickenham. It's only really me. You see, my son, when he was tiny, used to be very impressed by planes, but now I point them out to him, he's not really me. You see, my son, when he was tiny, he used to be very impressed by planes, but now I point them out to him, he's not that bothered. It's one of the first, you know, moments of... I sense him breaking away.

Yeah, I feel like that when I point to trees and leaves. Doesn't that tree look nice? The kids are like, yeah, yeah, it's a tree. Well, I've just... Speaking of apps, I've got a tree identifying app. Oh, that's a good thing. Oh, that's good. That you can go and have a look at the leaf and stuff.

It tells you what tree you've got. Brilliant. I'm sick of walking past trees and not knowing what species they are. I've had enough of it. Strange thing to be sick of. Sicker more of it. That's what it is. We have our ending, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us, and the Greeks... What? The Greeks don't know. Watch for them. I'll have to come up with a new ending. Bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens,

Saturday morning from 8 until 11, on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.