The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - BRIXIT

Episode Date: March 19, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Gareth Richard's and Emily Dean this week. It's the shows 7th Anniversary and the team celebrate by discussing Frank's theory on the 7 year itch, BBC Sofa-gate and the age limit for an archaeologist.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Welcome to the show, and this is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean, and I'm with Gareth Richards this morning. What about that for a crazy throwback? You can text us on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio Webby. It's lovely having Gareth here in the seat, but it

wasn't a very auspicious start to the morning because Frank overslept, didn't he? Well, I don't know if overslept's the word. You had night nurse. We got a message. She's 51. It was quite alarming. Can you imagine? We got in and we were told by Daisy, the producer, Frank's overslept. And he's had too much Night Nurse.

I mean, can you imagine how worried we were? I followed the line on the small plastic goblet that comes with Night Nurse. It's more of a tumbler. Are you having Night Nurse for recreational purposes? I just like green. I have a cold. Everyone has a cold this week, in my experience. And so I thought, you know, night nurse, good night's sleep.

And I woke up, the alarm went, and then I woke up... Michael Jackson! I woke up an hour later with my phone still in my hand. Oh! With the time, so when I opened my eyes, the time was staring at me. Here we are. We're on time.

It's not one of those like Chris Evans goes missing for three days things. Or Stephen Fry. How long did he go for? Can't compare it with that. He said afterwards I've been a silly old fool.

He did. Yeah, well, I was a silly old fool. But, you know, here I am. Here we are. And here Gareth is. And it's a special day for us, Frank. It is. We've had a card, actually, from Nogget, who is one of our regular listeners.

It's our seventh anniversary. Yes, congratulations. Well, it's not me and Frank. You say that like you're some strange couple. Yeah. Yeah, this is like I've brought my ex along to celebrate like a combined anniversary of the two marriages. Oh, well, that'd be awkward.

I wonder if anyone ever does that, if they put all their marriages together and then have a joint celebration. Oh, I don't know. I'm more like the child from the first child. I guess so, yeah. And I'm so codependent I tolerate it, and I'm more like the child from the first child. I guess so, yeah. And I'm so codependent I tolerate it, and I'm just fine with it. Well, you know, there's so much about nowadays you have to put up with it.

Okay. So it's our copper anniversary, did you know that? Oh, I thought it was wool. No, wool I think is a regular thing that they give on anniversaries, because it means some sort of... Oh, now you tell me. Something to do with sheep lice, and they are very loyal partners to each other.

I think they're the only lice that actually are monogamous. Really? Yeah. You must introduce me to them. I'd love to meet them. Yeah. It's good that lice can pull it off. We can't.

You can, Frank. Emily normally wants nothing to do with lice, but you piqued her interest in these ones. It'd be nice to see. OK, anyway, I look forward to the copper saucepans, Frank. That's what we should do. Yeah, we should have bought each other copper things today. Pennies, maybe?

I've certainly changed my form of contraception this week. pennies maybe i've certainly changed i've changed my form of contraception this week yeah it's been all right 808 a.m um sorry everyone yeah so it's exciting dear frank dme alan and gareth wishing you and all involved with your show all the best on your seventh birthday. Have a great day. Praise with her. Longtime reader, Mark, a.k.a. Nugget. Thank you, Nugget. That's lovely.

That reminds me of when I went to see Jean Pitney live. Remember her? No, Jean Pitney was, he sang 24 Hours from Tulsa. Oh, yeah, I know. One of the most horrible songs ever to hit the charts. Oh, I like it. In which you basically, oh, it's a brilliant song,

but I mean, the sentiment is he phones his girlfriend, or his wife, I think, and says, I've met this woman. Bad luck, I was nearly home, but then I've met this woman. I hate to do this to you, but I found somebody new. Where did he meet her?

In a bar? On a service station? If I went back through the lyrics, which I'm sure you don't want me to do, I might actually remember where he met her. But where he met her. Where he meet her. I've been watching Tarzan this week. It's had a bit of an effect on my diction.

Is that the sort of thing you should say in a song, though? What? I think it would be that you've met someone else quite close to home. 24 hours from Tulsa. Yeah. But he did well out of it. He's got that nice song out of it. Yeah, but she's not seen any of that, is she?

Or does she get... If someone writes a song about leaving you, do you get part of the... Oh, yeah, no....percentage in the break-up in the in the break-up? I don't know if it's a real thing. They're not like rappers. They make stuff up. So it's a song full of lies. Well, it ends up with him saying,

and I will never, ever, ever come home again. All right, all right, all right. I get the message, Gene. But even if it's not real, if you're going out with him and he's written that song, it's not encouraging, is it? But also, Gary, I don't like the way he's left her on tenterhook,

Simon Cowell style, with that never, ever, not come home, never. Well, he's... I don't know, he's laid it on the line. He wouldn't say he's ambiguous. No, he might have said, I'll never, ever, ever, Paul, leave you again. So she might, you know...

OK, well, I'll never, ever, ever come home again. And then there's a follow-up signal from a woman called, well, what about all your stuff? Anyway, the point I was making... Well, I'll tell you after this, because Daisy's punching me in the stomach. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, it was a very big night for you last night, because it was finally aired. I know that was, was it Thursday? Thursday, the Blooming Tile Back episode of Room 101. Yes, yes. It was edited out of the original version. To new readers, I do a panel show on BBC One

called Room 101, and I was demonstrating the daddy saddle, which is, you wear like a cowboy horse saddle on your back and your child's back. Room 101 Nights, I think that was on. And Heston Blumenthal, the popular cook, jumped on my back. Chef, I think probably would he call himself a chef?

Would he? Make him sound like some fat woman in Downton Abbey. Well, maybe. I call him an assassin. You've never felt the same about Heston since that incident? No, so he jumped on my back. Nice man. He jumped on my back. Nice man. He jumped on your back?

High jinx, yes. He jumped on it with, you know, with gusto. Was it Alden or was it Bista? It was some sort of seasoning. He's got a deal with one of them. So, yeah, he hurt my back. I had to have physiotherapy, et cetera, et cetera. But when they showed the original show, we had lots of our readers get in touch and say,

well, what happened to the back? And I think it didn't make the original cut, because it's not actually that funny. No. It's bullying. Also, what sort of sickos are they slowing down to watch that incident? It made the outtakes. So I haven't seen it yet. Well, Lucy Antrim has, and she watched it in New York.

Wow. Extraordinary. Careful of those prices for watching. That'll be a lot of money over there, I would imagine. Anyway, she said, I'm originally from Brighton, although now living in New York, and I still like to get some English fixes, including Frank Skinner podcast,

and also watching TV shows using a certain iPlayer. Imagine my delight when catching up on Room 101, I saw the lovely but heavy set, Heston Blumenthal, riding Frank's slender back with more gusto than when he prepares a serving of his snail porridge. Could have been oxo, actually. Yeah. The colour of Frank's face was very much aligned

to a slice of steak tartare in the Fat Duck. Sending thoughts to Frank's lumber region from 3,000 miles away. That's Lucy in New York. That's very sweet of you, Lucy. It seems to have recovered. It took about three months. He's a big lad.

Yeah, he's stocky, isn't he? He's a... Come on! Come on! Come on! Do you know what? I would really like to take credit for that, but I didn't even mean it. Really?

Yeah, no, I should have let that go. We should never underestimate our subconscious. That's true. I've always said your subconscious is a great comic. Thank you. He's funny, but he's completely unconscious. We thought we were getting in touch with Derek Acora. Derek Acora.

That's if Jake Thackeray ever did a song about Derek Acora. Sorry, I've gone a little obscure. But then again, on the way in this morning, I listened to the Hart Breakfast Show. That's because you were strung out on night nerves. The driver had it on. It's not one of ours, is it, Hart? Thank God. No, we've got magic. That's lovely. They spent a whole link trying to decide who'd broken wind in the studio.

Oh, they didn't. Was it you? Was it you? I thought, my, come on! It's called Hart FM, not Bowls FM. I'm glad you said that. I thought you were going to rhyme. I thought the subconscious comic had come in with a rhyme. Oh, it made... I was disgusted.

I almost phoned them up and said, open a window. Oh, dear. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So the point I was making about Gene Pitney was that I went to see him live and he brought out all the cards

that had been sent to his dressing room. Like, you read out that one. Yeah. And he read every one of them out like a best man at a wedding. Oh, did he? It took about 20 minutes. Well, that's a good idea.

Tedious in the extreme. It was some time. Exactly. The other brilliant thing about Gene Pitney is that he sang on Sunday night at the London Palladium, it was a massive live variety show, and at the end of it he said, now that's what I

call singing. At the end of his act. I don't think I ever had that album. And I will never, ever, ever come home again. So, I watched, I read about, as we are at our seventh anniversary, I read about the seven-year itch. Did you? Are you aware of this?

Yeah, the syndrome? Yeah, the people. Most relationships last. I say most. If you look at the divorce rate. Why would you do this to us? If you look at the divorce rate, marriages tend to go down, you know,

six years, eight months, seven years, two months. Oh, thanks. So is it an actual thing that they've studied and discovered it's true? How long have you been married? It will be 14 years. You've got the second one coming.

Second bout. How was the first one? We got some cream for it. So is that your cream anniversary? Frank, is this honestly, why would you bring this up now when it is that your cream anniversary? Frank, is this honestly, why would you bring this up now when it's our seven year anniversary? The first time I've overslept for the

show in seven years, it shows already the rot's starting to set in. Oh, don't say that. I just thought I'd mention it. You know, Russell Grant once did my star chart. Oh, yeah. Which is the title of my memoir.

And told me my career would last seven years. Oh. That's nice of him. Yeah, obviously he accidentally looked in a mirror not a star chart. Perfect. He also said I'd never hold down a long-term relationship.

Oh. Did he say anything positive? It sounds quite a negative experience. He might have said we. On the plus side, I had a lovely dance with him, didn't I, days in Edinburgh when I went to see the show? Fabulous. Yeah, that was what he said.

Look, I've got nothing against him. You know, he does what he does. He's a predictor. But, you know, he's... I know he branched out into that area. Maybe he meant seven good years. OK, yeah. So what did you discover about this seven years?

Well, it is a phenomenon. Because it's a sort of folklore thing, the seven-year itch. But research has shown that that's when a lot of marriages collapse and relationships. So, you know, I just bring it up. That's nice. Morning, everyone. Anyway, so I've been watching Broadchurch 2. Oh. Well, actually, we've had a missive in about that.

Ronan says, Hi, Frank, just finished watching Broadchurch on your recommendation and very much enjoyed it. Brilliant, don't mention any endings. Just wondering what I should watch next, any ideas? Broadchurch 2. No, I... Watch that. Just to say I haven't seen Broadchurch, so don't spoil anything for me.

You haven't seen it yet? No, no. Can I recommend it? Yeah. No, you can't. Of course I can't. Because it's 2016. Well, when was it out?

Well, it feels like years ago. In the media terms. Yeah, well, I... The thing is, I thought... Do you not even know what happens? No. No, don't get saying anything. You know what it is?

It's a... David Tennant, Olivia Colman, is it? Yeah, you go. I've seen adverts for it. Have you? Are they still showing those? I was like, what is it, Shaken Back? I love the idea of going back and watching the adverts for it. Have you? Are they still showing those? So what is it, shaken back? I love the idea of going back and watching the adverts first

to really enjoy the original experience. Coming soon, brand new drama on ITV. If I was you, I'd watch one episode once a week at a regular time slot. I'd recommend Citizen Kane. That's on next week, if you haven't caught that first time round. No, but what's interesting is

I thought for a start off as it's the copper anniversary it sort of made sense. Lovely joke, Frank. Can you still say coppers? Do people still call them that? Yeah. Do they still say rosers? My friend Polly, her partner Tony, I always call him a

copper and he just has to put up with it. He's fine with it. Do they say Rossers anymore? The Rossers? Yes, I believe so. Fantastic. I'd like to know if there's any, because there were some unkind nicknames for the police. But I kind of like the Bobbies and all that. Whenever I hear the phrase Easy Peeler, I always think of that WPC I met in Wigan in 1998. I don't want to know.

Anyway, so I was... World Church 2. I was watching it, and you know everyone said... You know you're the only person that did watch it. No, but this is my point. I thought it was really, really good. I thought the British public got it wrong that the second series was not good.

I'm a bit worried now about the Brexit. But Frank, you can't go on about the unsuccessful sequence. What's that? Did you say that? Don't you know Brexit? Did you say, what's that about Brexit? Look, it's one thing being a bit light

on Broadchurch. But Brexit? You honestly don't know what that means? Don't you know Brexit? Oh, come on, Gareth. The Brexit? You honestly don't know what that means? How do you know Brexit? I don't know what it means. What is it? Oh, come on, Gareth. What is it?

It's a compound word based on Britain and exit. Exiting. Oh, yes, exiting the European Union. Yes. Oh, I haven't heard that. I'm just relieved it's just a compound word that you don't know, rather than the whole concept. Do these phrases start in the very tip? John O'Groats, and then make their way down?

Because Gareth lives in Bournemouth. Yes, I live in Bournemouth. How have you missed Brexit? It's probably a metropolitan elite word. No, it's not. Brexit? Brexit's everywhere. That woman sang about it on the internet.

Well, to be fair, that's not the most famous example of it. No, but I'm just going to say... Some women on the internet in a wig singing about it. It's been all over the newspapers and news at times. I was trying to defend the it's a highbrow word. I'm really astonished. What are we going to do? What do you think of it as a word?

Well, I think it's confusing. I don't think it's obvious what it means. Clearly not. Britsit. Because Brex. If Brixton were leaving the Commonwealth, Britain would be fine. Or if Brixie Smith were leaving.

Brexit. No, but the BR is from Britain. It's from Britain. And then exit kicks in. Do you understand? Yes, but... You're saying yes. It's from Britain. And then exit kicks in. Do you understand? Yes, but... You're saying yes in the way that you don't understand. Well, no, but it doesn't sound anything like Britain.

You think it should be Brexit? How perfect do you want your life to be? We need to move on. This link's been two and a quarter hours. But can I vote that from now on on the show we call it the Brexit? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

So you were telling us about Greece 2. Oh no, sorry, it's Broadchurch 2. The other successful follow-up. Which I think the British public were wrong about Broadchurch 2. I think it's as good as Broadchurch 1. OK? Yeah. So I strongly recommend you watch both.

OK. He hasn't even found out what Brexit is. Maybe read a newspaper and then watch both. Have you finished it, then? Yes. But there is, um, it says at the end, this is not a spoiler, it says at the end of the second

series, A Broadchurch Will Return. So I might actually watch it live next time. Exciting. You mean when it's on television? Yeah. I don't think it's happening live nowadays. He'll never watch the Americans, though.

He doesn't like any of the American shows. Too much of a commitment. Thirteen episodes and all that. Twelve episodes. Who needs that in their life? We've had a suggestion from a listener. You sure you want to rate this out? Good day to you, Frank and the crew.

How about House of Cards with Kevin Spacey? What about it? Awesome and intense viewing. You watched that. Didn't you remember you were telling me? I did. I loved that. Oh, yeah. I'm saving the new season.

Are you? I love the American show. Season and everything. Yeah, that's why you have to say it. That's Frank's worst thing when we go for brunch after the show and we all talk about the American shows we're watching. Why watch the American shows when there's so much good British stuff? What we need is a Brixie.

Yeah, why don't you watch Merlin? Oh, cos it's been cancelled. I have to say... Soz. I have to say, I told you about the sale at the BBC shop. I went on there thinking... Oh, do you know about this, Gareth? No, I didn't know about that. I don't think you listen to the show when you're not on it, so Frank will tell you. No sale at the BBC shop. I went on there thinking... Oh, do you know about this, Gareth? No, I didn't know about that.

I don't think you listen to the show when you're not on it, so Frank will tell you. No, it's too painful. Yeah, there's a sale at the BBC shop, so I thought... Really? Goodbye! No, no, come back! Oh! He's gone.

They're leaving. It's a sort of a BB sex it. And I thought, I wonder if they've got a complete box set of Merlin. But they only had it in... If you'd have bought that, I'd have been so appalled. They were all snapped up. Well, they've just one left in stock. They've got separate seasons.

I'm calling them seasons. But I was hoping the one big box would maybe be some sort of deluxe booklet. Or a cloak. And they've got one action figure left. Maybe a sword, maybe. And it's guys who have already got... Oh, well.

What about if they had cheap merchandise with it, like a plastic sword or something? Oh, God. Well, he's got various accoutrements. The guy's... Merlin? No, the guy's action figure has got various accoutrements. The guy's... Merlin? No, the guy's action figure has got bits. I don't really know what they are.

You're so serious when you're talking about this. I think with wizards, they've always got accoutrements. You don't really know what they are. I mean, that's how it goes. Funny enough, I watched Sword in the Stone last night. Oh, that's good. What's everything you watch all cloaks and wizards? Can't you just watch a normal thing about somebody who can't pay the mortgage?

Well, I watch Broadchurch and then I can watch Sword on the Stone. I'm flexible like that. The Disney cartoon with Mad Madam Mim. I think that was one of your late night shows. Yes. No, that was Sword in the Stone with Sharon Stone.

Fabulous. I'll put the music on. Okay. I thought'd have to play adverts. We're a commercial radio station. We have obligations. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I watched the last...

Late Review? Yeah, I watched the last Broadchurch 2. So I was still thinking, you know, God, the last Broadchurch 2. So I was still thinking, you know, the public got it so wrong. And then I watched a documentary about Donald Trump. I've lost all faith in the public.

He's fascinating. I watched that documentary. Did you watch it on Sky? Oh no, I think mine was the Channel 4 one. Oh, it was... I'll tell you what, he's... He looks like he's trying to look like Boris Johnson. That's his sort of dream.

And Boris is like that naturally. But we could be in a situation where he's the President of America and Boris is the Prime Minister of the UK. Extraordinary. Then we'll start to see Kim Jong-un as a safe pair of hands. And a good haircut. Yeah, exactly. It's like, do you remember, every now and again,

you get an American president and they've got a relative who's like a drunken troublemaker who's in the background causing them embarrassment. It's like the Middletons have got that Uncle Gary. Yeah, it's like the relatives made it this time. All the decent bit with the family going, oh, God, how did this happen? It's going to be quite entertaining in a nuclear war kind of a way.

I'll tell you something else. I've made a move. Those short fingers hovering. Short-fingered Bulgarian. Has he got short fingers? Well, that's what Graydon Carter... Is this commercial breakfast radio? I don't care.

Graydon Carter, the editor of Vanity Fair, called him a short-fingered Bulgarian because apparently that denotes that's a class insult. Oh, I see. Saying you're short-fingered. I think I only understood about 50% of what you just said. You know Brexit? No. OK. Short-fingered. I think I only understood about 50% of what you just said. You know Brexit? No.

Okay. Short-fingered Bulgarian. And he then went... Do you remember they attacked... They were in... Star Trek. I think the Keeper of... Were they in Star Trek?

Keeper of Trarkin. I think they were in that episode. I think Donald Trump then got very cross and started posting photographs showing he did have long fingers. And he said he didn't have short fingers. Well, it's not the first argument he's had on a similar scene. Short-fingered vulgarians.

Yeah. What will we do about it, Doctor? If you'll just wait, Edric. The trouble is, that acting's way too good. Thank you. That is... That was a Tom Baker I was doing. Oh, I'm sorry, darling. Immaculate. Oh I'm sorry darling.

And David Tennant actually, he's lovely. And Frank Skinner, lovely too. Have you seen him in Broadchurch too? I mean really. No I haven't seen it. Really good. Is he good in it? Oh he's good in everything. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Wener on Absolute Radio

We've had a message from well 140 this thing is called Dom Frank Happy Valley is much better than Broadchurch watched series one last night back to back Oh Dom I'm doing the same Back to back

Awkward for the person who's facing away from the TV I hope Heston wasn't round. How did he manage that? That's how Frida and Agnetha used to watch the, uh, on the Abba tour bus. They'd watch ours back to back. I'm catching up with season one.

Yes, I said season one. Where is season one, though? I can't find it. Is it on one of those? We'll talk. Is it on one of those Netflix things? We'll talk, Frank. Okay. Um, I believe find it is it on one of those we'll talk is it on one of those netflix things we'll talk frank okay um i believe you can get it on amazon actually oh i don't have any of those things i like the bbc from london that's what i like this is alexandra palette um sarah warner has tweeted as frank oh yeah what from warner's holiday world in great yarmouth frank From Warner's Holiday World in Great Yarmouth.

Frank, you could try the US version of Broadchurch. Oh, yes. Grace Point, also with David Tennant. I'd forgotten about that. That was also heavily criticised, so that's probably brilliant as well. Well, I don't think you can just use that argument for everything. Everything that's... That's heavily criticised. If you think about it, that works for quite a lot...

Like Nazi Germany. That was heavily criticised. Oh, at the time, they loved it. Yeah, exactly. Very big, Emily. I don't know if you think about it that works like nazi germany that was heavily criticized at the time they loved it yeah exactly very big emily i don't know if it was the daily mail we're great champions of it yeah yeah looking back of course in hindsight yeah 20 and 20 20 vision in hindsight yeah exactly yeah we should have had a why are you both looking at me in a sort of jacuzzi way? It's just nice to be on the right side of an argument. What, defending the Nazis? Yeah.

I don't know. I think we might be on a bit of a lose of this. I think they were horrible. Late reviews? So do I. So do I. I would just like to say... That's one of our finest late reviews ever.

It's the best late review I've ever heard. I'm against the Nazi Party and I'll be spending more time with my family. Respect. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards has joined us this morning.

Lovely. On Saturday morning! Fantastic. Old school. Exactly. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

And we're in exactly the same seats that we were always in. Yes, that's true. Well, don't be surprised. You know how madly... I mean, I'm almost militant about this seat. Yeah, if anyone tries to sit there... Someone did once, and I made Daisy go and tell them.

I did. Do you remember that, Daisy? I can't say. Someone was standing in and she said, I'm afraid Emily's got really strong views on sitting in that seat. And she had to tell them. Well, I mean, as I look at you, I should say that the way the studio's set up, this is for our readers listening to this, is I'm one side of the desk and on the other side of the desk

I'm looking at Gareth on my left and Emily on my right. the desk, I'm looking at Gareth on my left and Emily on my right. Now, according to a controversy that's arisen from the seating on BBC Breakfast this week, that is the sexist line-up because I'm seeing

Gareth on my left and because I've spent years of reading from left to right, I'm giving him priority. I see him first. But we all know I'm daddy's favourite. I don't know. I don't know. It's a position of authority and superiority

and I think all the listeners will agree that is very much my vibe. Indeed. It's a quite simplistic view that if I look at the telly and there's two people because I read from left to right the person on the left... Is that what it the left is that what

it is is that what it's based on the seniority argument on chinese telly the blokes it's on the woman's shoulders that makes sense and heston blumenthal again exactly oh blooming tall so much to answer for so they've've got Bill Turnbull left BBC Breakfast and was replaced by Dan Walker. Yeah. And Dan... With Louise Minchin. Yeah, Louise Minchin has been put in the cheap seat,

let's call it that. Yeah, that's fine. But the argument, interestingly, from the BBC is that they tried it the other way, but he was too tall. He's 6'4", and they said it's down to camera angles as well. Yeah, there's not really a lot of angles going along, going on in morning TV, is it? One sofa shot.

A sofa shot. Exactly. It's not from the front. It's not a David Lynch film. No. Exactly. And also, why does it... It's why does it cane you never see the ceiling on bbc breakfast i don't quite yes i said most of it is straight on two shot isn't it so i don't

know why i'm being taught it's the idea that they think the viewers if they tune in and the shorter person is on the left because they read from the left, they'll have a sense of having to climb the edifice of the programme. So that'll put them off. Whereas it's a lovely slidey slope if he's on the left. Isn't that just to do with... Hear me out here. But I think they've got a point.

Isn't it just to do with the kind of visual aspect of it? So there is something more pleasing to the eye about seeing, as you say, the ramp, things descending. That looks nicer. What about the Ascent of Man tableau? Do you know what? I've never seen eye to eye with that. No? No. One of my worst things. I don't think Dan Walker agrees with that either.

Or Frank. We should say he's a follower of the Nazarene. Well, he's more than that. He's actually a creationist, I understand. So no, he won't be talking on the ascent of mass. Should he be reading the news if he's a creationist?

I'm sure that's fine. He doesn't have to. Not really. He doesn't have to integrate it. Surely only the good news he should be reading. If he did the good news, there'd be a monkey escape from a... Yeah, one of your lot. Nothing to do with me.

It says he did not become a devout Christian until he was 12 when a preacher told him about the reality of hell for the unbeliever. And he thought, I'm going to get involved in morning telly. Yeah, exactly. I'm not knocking... You two are allowed to do this dangerous material because you're both, you know, believers. I'm not knocking him.

Good on him. But I don't see why he's taller on the left than he is on the right. No. Make any sense. People have said it's sexist, Frank. Get a couple of house bricks under one end. And a hoist old Louise up a bit. Or give her a stool.

Yeah. A high chair. That would be nice. I met Louise on a train once. Louise Minchin. Miss Lisey? First class. Was there a squabble over the seating in you sitting yeah she's very lovely and um and and very um how can i put this in a non-sexist she's a very

very um attractive yeah oh the night nurse has kicked in again and um she had very very no i'm i'm making this as an aesthetic point. She had very tight trousers on. And she wore them... Gareth, you don't have to listen to this. No, can I just... I'm not going to say... I'm just going to say she wore them well, if you know what I mean.

But at no point... You are sickening. At no point did I think that her left buttock was somehow superior to her right buttock. Because it was on the left. No part of this is OK. I think we've proved that the position people sit in on TV is the least of our worries in the gender debate.

Yeah, a few years ago, she'd have been on his lap. That's why I sit. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I like sitting on your right, though, Frank, because I'm in control of the air con. Yes. And I know that when Frank says,

hot in here, that's my cue to turn it down a bit, because... Well, you're also nearest to the door, if there was an incident. Yes. And there have been. So me and Frank can escape. Anything should happen.

Hold on, hold on. We're furthest from the door, though. These windows don't open. I thought we could throw ourselves from the windows. Well, first we're on the third floor, and secondly, the windows don't open. I mean, come on. I don't know how we're going to make our bricks sit

in this room. Need to get some bricks in. Our abseit. Where do you lie in the bed? Where do I lie in the bed? Right down the middle. Sit. On this room. Need to get some bricks in. Absent. Our absent. Where do you lie in the bed? Where do I lie in the bed? Right down the middle. Right or left?

If I'm in the bed, I'm... It's been so long since I've slept with anyone, I can't remember. I'm a lefty. How are you? In the bedroom. Are you talking about left if you're looking at the ceiling? Always talking from my point of view, darling. So if I'm... Just FYI. So if I'm lying in the bed, I'm the one on the left.

That's me in the corner. Okay. In the spotlight. Yeah, but that means that you're in the inferior position. No. Oh, no. Because if someone looks at the bed, they're looking at the other person first. Yeah, guess what?

No one's looking at the bed because there's just two people in there well that's what that's what you think it's an absolute radio camera feed that you don't anyway no i'll tell you why i lie on the left well no yes go you really want to interrupt this sorry i i lie on the left because it's near the lovely lamp, and I have a lovely lamp, and it's near my en suite. Yes, well, I can... So I like the Brexit to the en suite. That's how it's always been with Kath and I.

When we've stayed in hotels and stuff, I know which side of the bed I'm going to be on because she has to be nearest the toilet. Yeah. That's the deal. Yeah. With Laura, I tend to, like, go nearest the door so that if anyone comes in, I can protect her.

Yeah. Good luck with that. But this is interesting. There's an episode of the American sitcom Seinfeld from the 90s that I actually, frankly, will disapprove of. Disapprove? Yeah, go on. Where they talk about, it's weird in american

but when they're dating and then they get back to the home and on the sofa they say that the man always wants to sit on the right um so that he can in the making out? Yes, with making out. Yeah. He can leave with his... Welcome to Glee. He, um... Do you know, because my family is Gareth, Laura, Ethan and Elijah, we spell out Glee. Oh, that's lovely. Is that deliberate? Yes.

No. No, I didn't mean to do that. Thank you. But anyway, so on the sofa... We spell out BFC Barcelona. It's got the same initials as our family. Oh. It's not as good as glee.

Well, it is. Anyway. Yeah, so on the sofa, the man can lead with his strongest right hand. Get out. Go on. That is not true. Go on. Now, rise out. Go on. That is not true. Go on. Now rise out.

Keep going. He's not coming back. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Okay, we were talking about whether or not it's true that whoever sits on the left of a chair, sits on the left of a screen, has some sort of innate superiority.

That's certainly, everyone seems to have bought into it this week. Yeah. It's true. When you were away, Frank, and Emily was in the hot seat, I took Emily's chair. Oh, I see. I was happy about that. Oh, so that was suggested that...

Well, for me, I think I went in the power flow. I think I got promoted. Ooh, super duper. But I'd say Alan's the alpha male of the whole thing. No, he's not. Isn't he? I am. Oh, yeah, that's right. I mean, but... But I'd say Alan's the alpha male of the whole thing. No, he's not. Isn't he? I am. Oh, yeah, that's right.

I mean, after you. I'm the most alpha person in this goddamn room. Hmm. That's why we all grew memories so much. I thought you did an alpha course, didn't you? I have done several. You go. They shouldn't have called it alpha course.

It's the very opposite so I used when I did television with a sofa with David Baddiel now let me try and remember I've got a feeling you sat as I think you were

Skinner and Baddiel weren't you you did Nantendeck no it was Baddiel and Skinner I reckon you sat on the I reckon you sat on the right You were Skinner and Baddiel, weren't you? You didn't Ant and Dec. No, it was Baddiel and Skinner. Oh, was it? I reckon you sat on the right. I sat in the inferior situation. Now, I didn't know about this theory then. David did. I'm wondering if David did.

100. Mmm. And also, we were called Baddiel and Skinner, so that was alphabetical order. Yeah. Oh. Well, we agreed it was alphabetical order. That was the idea.

Toss a coin. So, no, alphabetical order. Oh, right. Yeah. Do you not use the alphabet? Have you committed an alphabet exit? And so... What does that mean somebody sat in about frank is he always lets things go oh no he doesn't so yeah so it might be that it was

all an evil plan on dave's part to make me look inferior oh he wouldn't do that but um it was um what they usually do on film posters is they, they, they come to an agreement. So if it was Badil and Skinner, it would say Badil and Skinner and I'd be underneath the Badil bit. So we're both on the left. Our name is on the left and also our picture's on the left. No offense, but you two are never going to be on a film poster. No, that's pretty pretty not maybe a wanted poster there's a thing that

Mark Kermode always goes on about on a different radio show that we won't mention but on I think the Towering Inferno when it was Steve McQueen no Mark Kermode's haircut fire laughter

laughter where Steve McQueen and Paul Newman were both in it and because there was Mark Kamau's haircut fire. I think it was Steve McQueen and Paul Newman were both in it. And because there was a disagreement about the star rating, one was on the left but down, and the other one was on the right but up. It's quite a bit of state agency. So made up. It's all carefully worked out, though. Do you see what I mean? The agents have quite a bit of state agency so made up no it's all carefully well yeah do you see what i

mean the agents have quite a fight about that but usually if your picture's on the left then the other person's name has to be on the left which is confusing but yeah sometimes they have you know boris whitaker underneath the picture of kate winslet i don't know what's going on i know that's that's just i've seen those pictures ant and deck ant and deck always line up specialist interest i'm afraid something for everyone on the internet ant and deck always line up as ant and deck well that's it ant is always on the left and deck deck on the right. And apparently, I read recently, it's 11 times on telly in their career. They've done it the other way around. Oh, they've mixed it up. Really?

What about Hale and Pace? My memory's not that good. Oh, OK. But I... Interestingly, they were in a Doctor Who episode when they were given parts to play and they decided to swap parts. The one liked the other part better than the other one and vice versa.

Sweet thing. But with Ant and Dec, I saw a picture of them with Dec on the left for a change and Ant on the right. How did it look? Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So, last time, I think I was last on in January? Oh, January, February, March, April, May, June, July.

And I talked about taking Elijah to the hairdressers. You did, I remember. Oh, yes, I remember that. Well, you'll be excited to know that since I had a haircut... Why did you pronounce it like egg-cited? Egg-cited. You can't stop saying everything like brexit now egg yes okay um and um it it was the worst haircut of my life oh um i was having um do you really look the worst or the experience of the haircut was the worst

i think both wow really yes i was i i had was doing, having a photo shoot for Edinburgh Photos. It's not this one. Because I'm going to do for Edinburgh. Yes, it is this one. Okay. But this, I mean, this is three or four weeks old. Okay. And it's quite short, would you say?

Yeah. Yeah. Shall I give you, I'll take my headphones off. No, it is quite short, but you wear it well. I'd describe it as evacuee chic. It's so short. That was not what I was going for. In other words, you look better in a gas mask.

But you know when you see them in the little shorts and things, Frank? Oh, yes. The children. Yes. Taken away from their homes. Well, they're sort of... Not so much taken away as sent away for safety. Let's not... Let's not... Late review. Let's not make it the evacuation a negative thing. No.

Well, the Nazis I was against. Yeah, I know that. Yes, and I was having some photos done, so I took a week and a half before the photos, because I thought, at least then if it's an absolute disaster, I've got some time for it to grow back. Good thinking. Oh, I love you doing that. Well done. To set the mood scene, I was feeling a little bit stressed. Was there a slash in between those two?

To set the mood? Are you acting like my name is Scene and I'm some strange exotic dancer? I like the idea of a mood scene. Well, to let you know where my psych where i was psychologically yes i was a bit stressed okay and i didn't really want to talk to anyone i was feeling particularly introverted i can be introverted with strangers with you two i feel very comfortable oh that's so nice that's lovely thank you so much but um you know with strangers

i can feel so i went to the hairdressers and it's a very multicultural area, I said before, but the language barrier can be tricky. OK. Don't do any voices. I love multicultural Britain. I think we should stay in the EU. Other opinions are available. Post-pixie? I don't know everything about the issue.

All right, all right. We'll get the picture. No-one thinks you're an evil man. Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me um there was two there was one hairdresser i've had before and i was very much hoping i would have him because but you can't choose because there's like why can't you choose no it's random they were both no it's not you ring up and you say no you don't ring i would like gervais and you you get Gervais. I didn't know Ricky was cutting hair nowadays.

That means you want to go to tea. No, I... Imagine not having a hairdresser. It's a very different experience, Emily. I've tried to explain this to you before. You don't understand how different it is for men. You just queue up. You just queue up and you can't... It's like you're in a supermarket.

It's like a race between the hairdressers and whoever finishes first, that seat becomes available and whoever's next in the queue has to go into that seat. I have thought sometimes in the hairdressers that I've seen people see me come in and think, oh, it's that Frank Skinner off the telly, that'd be a good story to cut his hair. No, they haven't. They start rushing.

They start rushing the person they're doing. They've never thought that, Frank. What do you mean? I'm sorry, I don't believe in hairdressers. Someone's going, oh, I'll hurry up with this customer so I can get my hands on Frank Skinner. That's because you're going to lead hairdressers. Welcome to the real

world. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin world. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio. Richard Parsons has tweeted us. I witnessed the daddy saddle incident. Blumenthal launched himself a la cowboy jumping onto his horse from a first floor window. Ah, yes.

He often used to get that in westerns when they'd jump out of the first floor how did they do that oh this must have been i don't know yes you thought of taking legal action frank because you could take him down i think you've got proof as witnesses many witnesses yes um i well i'm not that kind of a guy do you think i should phone injury lawyers yes definitely no win no fee no way enough how would you know how to get hold of them though they don't advertise or anything no i know absolute absolute frank skinner on absolute radio

um gareth yeah we've also had a question from paul oh-oh. He's from Nunhead. He says, was the barbers in Peckham? The Tunisian barber gives a great haircut. The Polish woman cuts her hair as if she was chopping beetroot, though. Yes. Were you in Peckham? No, it wasn't in Peckham. It was in Bournemouth, in Charlminster Road. To give you...

He said Bournemouth's quite close to where they shot Broadchurch. I don't know. I think you could have watched it live. Isn't it just... Where did they actually... Where shot Broadchurch. I don't know. I think you could have watched it live. Isn't it just, where did they actually, where is Broadchurch and what's its real name? Do anyone know? Someone at home will know because they know everything. Yeah.

So I was getting my hair cut. We're still in that story. Okay, yeah. And I think the barber that I ended up with, I didn't end up with the barber I wanted. The that I ended up with I didn't end up with the barber I wanted the barber I ended up with as far as I could tell

knew four words of English and the first three were when I sat down he said number one, number two number one, number two and I said oh number two and I was sure he was going to ask me more about what I wanted. Number two seems short, though.

That's a bit, I don't know, but I've been told. No, but at the side... They used to be a saying when I was a youth. He's a bloke, he used to say, I have a number one, but I have a number two for court appearances. So I don't look so soggy. For best. Yeah. so i don't look so soggy for best yeah um usually you you they they say what can i do for you

and you say sort of something vague about what you want and then um they say would you like the round the side with with scissors or clippers oh yeah and if you say clippers then they say number one number two and then this is the important, usually later on they say, how much would you like off the top? Yes, I agree with all this. He's right. No, I can relate to all this. It just doesn't happen to me at the hairdressers, but let's leave it there.

But I was feeling introverted, right? So I knew I should probably say something else about what I wanted. Yeah. But I was a bit stuck. You just couldn't get it out. I couldn't get it out. And I felt awkward and so he did the sides and that all looked quite

promising. I was like this is okay but I was thinking I should probably say not much off the top. Right. Probably say not much off the top. Can I ask you a question? I don't understand this because whenever I go I always want them to really clip the sides short and then I always say not much off the top.

What is the top doing in the meantime? The top never... Does the top not grow as quick as the sides? Um, I don't know. I mean, I think the... 8, 12, 15. The top handles length better than the sides.

Eventually, it's going to have to... I'm going to have to say, well, actually, on this occasion you're going to have to take a lot off the top because this not taking a lot off the top is getting out of hand. I look like a razor head. Well, you would have no problems at the barbers I went to. So he did the sides. And the thing is, I've not got my glasses on either,

so I can't see anything really that's happening. It's like having a makeover. There's a big reveal at the end. It's like that episode of Mr Magoo I saw. Yes. I didn't know. Why do you have to take episode of Mr Magoo, I saw. Yes. Why do you have to take Carnicot around your glasses? No.

OK. Can I just say West Bay and Dorset? West Bay? 442. Oh, OK. Probably is quite near to me. Yeah, it's got a bit. No, I'll tell you why. Because there's a bit where they...

West Bay and Gridport. Thank you, 06. I won't say what the incident is, but someone goes to Bournemouth train station in it. Such drama. I know. I like that you're acting like one of his friends, isn't it? Anyway.

And then right at the last minute, basically, he does the sides. And it always looks, I always love it when they do the sides and then the top is left. And I always think, oh, yeah, leave it like that. Yeah, I always think that as well. Do you? Yeah, you look like... Isn't it a bit Smike and Nicholas Nickleby? oh yeah leave it like that yeah i always say that as well yeah you look like smike and nicholas nickleby yeah but i like that look i mean without the limp but i like generally i like i like that just got back from the trenches let's do that from now on shall we is it a sort of slight wh orden look or his is a bit longer maybe but a

bit when you when it's really long it's kind of like the cure or something like that. Oh, yes, I know what you mean. I don't know if a man my age can have a haircut like that unless he's an escapist. I think you've both got lovely hair. Thank you, darling. I don't say that often. No.

Most men's hair is disgusting. Wow. OK. What is it about most men's hair? I don't know, they just get it wrong, whereas I think both your hair looks good and it's age appropriate. Thank you, darling. That's very kind of you't know, they just get it wrong, whereas I think both your hair looks good and it's age appropriate. Thank you. That's very kind of you.

So, at the last minute, it all comes off. Right. Because he does the sides and then I can see chunks just falling off. Big chunks of hair. Chunks. Because I've grown it longer. Well, I remember you had an afro last time I saw you. A full afro. It must have been two or three

feet above your head. And then, so he gave me the glasses back for the reveal. Yeah. I don't like him giving you the glasses back. It's like some sleazy client encounter. Go on. And I just said, it's too short.

I must admit, you were a bit tardy with that particular complaint it's too short why have you cut it so short oh no why did you complain after the event you can't do anything but you can't complain before what did he say what could i do and then i got the fourth word which was sorry sorry oh well that's fair and then the other one that was about one he found the hardest i was on the edge and he said sorry so and i and so i did it and i was kind of hovering around and i said and my my plan of action was no tip i was gonna completely do no tip and so i went to pay and they said oh no no no no no no no no no fee no no no no fee i don't think they said no fear i think i said that because of no win no fee but no no and i was like oh i'll pay don't you know i'll pay and they go no no no no no we're sorry sorry wow at least

it must have been terrible you said it must have been hello you're sitting over there i know but it has grown out somewhat. And then I stomped out and said, well, you shouldn't cut people's hair so short. And then I walked out. And I know you did say exactly that voice. That's what I love about it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast

from Absolute Radio. Just slam the door, Sarah. It's not like it's a professional radio show or anything of that nature. Welcome to my world. This is The Frank Skinner Show with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. Good morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Edward Cole has said you need to test your alarms. Check your smoke detectors. The Auden alarm failed to trigger when I mentioned him earlier. Oh, is that an Auden alarm? No, it's an A.E. Houseman alarm. Oh, no. See, what you've done is that you've mentioned A.E. Houseman.

Oh, yeah. Oh, so that means now that I've mentioned him, then maybe the alarm would be triggered. There you go. This is what plays. Yeah. If you mention A.E. House. Because I think the sensors are a little bit,

they've got a little bit dusty. We need to clean the sensors. People always use that to illustrate how madcap our show is. Oh, it's so madcap. What about our Leo Tolstoy alarm? I didn't know we had one of those. Everybody! Come on, sing up!

I can't, I don't know the lyrics. Oh, sorry. Oh, great. I can't, I don't know the lyrics. Oh, sorry. Oh, great. I love this tattoo. We've had some text messages. One from 483. My hair grows much faster on the sides than the top. So much so that I look like a monk from a Viking raid in 1066.

Can you make sure he gets my details, Daisy? We've got just a description of a haircut. He'd be good on the telly, wouldn't he? Because if his sides grow quicker, that 14 by 9, he's built for it. Oh, yeah, yeah. He wouldn't need anyone else on the sofa. Perfect. He could just lip-not gel outside.

Mm. Mm. Like, um... Sia. You know the singer Sia has white hair. She has white hair. Maybe that's what happened. He doesn't know Sia.

I do. She's the one with, like, a curtain that covers her face. Oh, well done, Frank. There you go. Well, Andrew Finch explains the, her suit top half, with, it's to do with gravity. Hair on top is having to push up. That's true.

Whereas the side hair just sort of dangles. Can that be part... What about when I'm sleeping? I'm not describing my hair as dangling. It's not true. It's not true. What about when I'm sleeping and it's all on an even keel? Do you mean in the middle of the night?

Oh, in the middle of the night. Come on, everybody, go walking in my sleep. To the river of doubt. To the river of doubt. And the bank is quite steep. So very steep. You have to watch your footing. Oh, you're landing on your bunk.

Don't want to do that. Who is this? Sorry, that was him on the phone. He was interrupted by the phone. We're going to get in trouble for that. Why? You can do parody. Oh, can you? Sorry. That was him on the phone. He was interrupted by the phone. We're going to get in trouble for that. Why? You can do parody. Oh, can you? Okay. Yeah. That's what Johnny Depp told me. Oh.

Um, 717 says... He's finished with her, apparently. Carry on. Um, 717 said, I have a bad haircut every time I go to the hairdresser's. The problem is I can't say anything about it because it's my girlfriend's sister that does it.

Oh. What a way for the sister to find out. No, he's given his name and address. Oh. Really to stick a knife in. But if it's free, I'm presuming it's free, maybe he has to pay the system.

Yeah, it has to go, I think. Oh, so you pay nothing to look dreadful? Yeah, that sounds all right. 274. That's a deal. I'd accept that. Yeah, well, the thing was, when I paid nothing, I then felt like, well, I hope when Laura comes back she says it's terrible. What did Laura say?

She did say it looked bad, to be fair. Usually she's supportive in those situations. What did you do with the money that you saved from that haircut all six pounds yeah i don't know yeah you bought a lottery ticket how um your luck couldn't get much worse how much do your haircuts cost um i think it would have been um eight8 I wouldn't tip the washer that I think that's, outside of London that's steep Oh come on If I had a haircut in Bournemouth

I wouldn't want to be handing out for more than a fiver Also it's going to be You're going to have that kiss me quick hat hair Which always looks terrible. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There's, um, I'm very excited, there's a new Indiana Jones movie coming out.

Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. Or if you don't, if you're not impressed. Or if you're not impressed, it would be... HE SINGS You're saying to the orchestra, no, no, no, no. Much more sarcastic than that.

OK, we'll try it again. HE SINGS OK. And Harrison's on board. Yeah. He'll be 77 when it comes out. Yes, controversy of people saying he's too old. But I think, like, he's an archaeologist.

Yeah. He's not too old to be an archaeologist. If there's any job where you can, like, surely there's no, like, being old is better. No, I don't think it's the academic to be about him being an archaeologist i don't want it to be office-based admin have you got those reports for me yeah i just filed them i love the bits where he's wearing a tweed jackie and he's like an american academic in those films He looks much better like that than he does with the bomber, Jackie. And then you think, oh, someone's going to visit him soon

and say he needs to go find something. Just one more job. And you know what? I hope he doesn't carry a whip. You can't do that, 77. It's a Tory MP in a scandal. He's got to carry a whip. Not at his age.

He has to have a whip. He's too old old it's his tool he uses it for everything around the house he just doesn't pick anything up without he doesn't have one of those um those um steps in the library at the at the university he'll take a first edition off a seventh shelf not even damage the outer casing he's like dan walker in that respect yeah i've seen him remove a bookmark on the fifth shelf i worry about the stunts well you won't do the stunts well i'll have to walk on the rope bridge i mean he's not good for the house of four got

wounded in the new star wars movie didn't he a door opened on him and it was quite bad he walks into a door i think the millennium falcon door isn't there or something yeah something bad happened he bounced back be careful about that i i i don't know if you can have a 77 year old adventurer but in the one when his dad was with him yeah he was he must have been getting he's ageless have you got a favorite one because there's don't it sounds like you're on a date number oneage of the Lost Ark and then The Last Crusade were both about the Nazis, which... We don't like them. We don't like those.

Yeah. And then the second one was about the Nazis... Temple of Doom. Yeah, the scary people from India. What was the last one? They're quite racist. We suggest might be a bit racist nowadays it was on about some what's the snake's one they're all snakes oh i can't remember i saw some snakes on christmas day there were

snakes what i like about indiana jones and the temple of doom is that the temple of doom's agent insisted that the picture of the temple of doom was on the left on the poster because of the billing in the title. Yeah. Which I think was fair enough. It's got a very top... I think Temple of Doom's got the same agent as Keith Chegwin. Really?

Yeah. You've just got the two acts. I'm excited about it. I am as well. You don't think he's too old? No, because he's playing the younger man, and I think that's fine, because it's what you're playing that counts, isn't it?

It's acting, isn't it? I mean, he has got that look now that older people get. He's got absolute terror in his eyes at all times, Harrison Ford. Absolute, like there's a bus heading towards him, even when he's smiling. And also, the jaw is slightly, it's like it's making its way secretly out of a side door.

It does. Well, that look of terror works if you're in jeopardy. Yes. Well, that hasn't happened to you. I mean, Billy Whitelaw once said to my mother, once you hit 50, darling, it all starts to go. But it hasn't to you, Frank. Thank you, darling.

I'm not as old as Harrison Ford. No, I know, but I'm just saying you've still got the jawline. What's happened to him? Yes, I mean, I rarely have the terror in the eyes. No. I wouldn't say it's never there. But, yeah, what he's just... Well, he wears a hat.

If I mention Heston Blumenthal, I see that terror. Exactly, yeah. And my jaw did slacken slightly as well. Oh, we're backeston Blumenthal, I see that terror. Exactly, yeah. And my jaw did slacken slightly as well. Oh, we're back to Blumenthal. He's like a bad smell. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can you do too much too old?

That is the question. Yes, you can. Oh, okay. What do you mean? Well, like, people saying Harrison Ford is too old to be Indiana Jones now. What age limits are there? I remember... Can I say one thing about Harrison Ford?

Sure. It's a common phenomenon. There's a lot of celebrities around who I always get mixed up with and other celebrities. Oh, yeah? Who do you mix them up with? Him and Richard Gere have sort of... Really? Yeah, I'm always getting

which one did what film and stuff. That's it. I used to... I get Richard Gere and Jeff Bridges mixed up. Oh, do you? This is like... Do you know, this is so weird because I don't get anyone mixed up.

Don't you? Really? No. I'm very hot on these things. Oh, yeah. Faith Brown and Janet Brown used to have terrible problems. That's all right. They're sisters.

Are they? Yeah. No. They were. I don't think so. They were sisters. Urban myth. It's not.

One of the less... Urban myth. Same surname. One of the less popular urban myths. Can you... Excuse me. Can you text in, I think Janet and Faith Brown were sisters.

No way. It's not an urban myth. It's called being in the business, darling. No way. I don't know who any of those people are. I know. OK, well, they're both impressionists. I think they were sisters.

Frank says no. Definitely not. OK. I wouldn't say use words like definitely, Frank. Well, who was my other one? Oh, Gene Simmons and Audrey Hepburn. Not Jane Simmons from Kiss. Oh, I thought that was her.

The actress. I thought everyone had ones that they got mixed up. Me and Graham Norton. Yeah, you and Stephen Tomkinson you get, Frank. Yeah, Stephen Tomkinson, yeah. But it's not just a looks thing, it's just often I think, oh, which one was it? That one or that one?

Sharon Stone and Michelle Franklin. Anyway, we're all different. Yeah, exactly. Emily once, on the subject of age limits, Emily once, I think you said to me that at over 30 you shouldn't wear a t-shirt

with a logo printed on i mean it kind of depends on the t-shirt really i don't think a man with two children should wear b.a barackas t-shirt right i ain't going on no plane or something emily i've stuck to that religiously and i've never after being 30 worn a t-shirt with a logo printed on so you should have given me more information at the time if there was like caveats. No, it's safer. I just think it's safer. What do you think about that, Frank? I wouldn't wear it with a caveat.

Except those silky scarves. Yeah, it's a bit like someone out of Vicious. Um, I, well I do wear ones with, I, I'm, I... But they're cute logos. They're like Doctor Who. Yes. I don't think doctor who is timeless you don't wear steve stagg or whatever do you no i don't wear um take me drunk i'm home i don't wear that um i'm currently wearing um manila gorilla which is um what's that it was

a shirt that muham Muhammad Ali used to wear. Oh, Thriller in Manila. To taunt Joe Frazier. Oh, late review. Yeah, I've got... You can get... There's a few sort of reproduced, if that's the word, ones. Yes. I wear one Clyde Radio.

Radio Clyde, one of those two. And it's one that Frank Zappa wore on stage. And on the label you get a picture of them wearing it. It's really quite nice. I like that. Yes, I like it because you feel you're part of some sort of tradition. It's very authentic. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show absolute radio so um frank you said when we're talking about haircuts um saying that very short at the size long like you think um you would be too old for that. Do you think that's a fixed age limit thing? I think probably, unless I was, you know, trying to make some statement about... If I was an artist or something like that, I might get away with it, but no. I don't think I could get away with it, no. People would just laugh at me.

Hold on a minute. There's a few, like jeans. You know, I wore jeans last week, and I vowed when I was 50 I wouldn't wear jeans anymore. No, you can wear a jean. It just depends on the jean. I just don't think... These were quite tight, and I thought it was kind of...

At my age, it's probably my bomb's last hurrah. But I just felt like... Year of the year. Yeah, 1999. Still got it. I love your blue plaque you've got with the year. Yeah, 1999. Still got it. I love your blue plaque you've got with that on. Yes, I know. It's a bit uncomfortable when I'm cycling.

But I don't... I think I've probably... They've gone there for me, jeans. Really? I think at 50 you should burn them all. No, no, don't burn them all. Well, I'll tell you what I do think. Give them to the charity shop.

And this may not go down well with some of our readers. Right. I don't like men over a certain age playing video games. I find it a bit depressing. Now, what... I think it's fine when you're young because it's like... What is the cut-off? Well...

Because I would say, for me... That's what I was asking about the jeans. It's just, it goes from being a fun pastime, like playing pool or something, to being a bit Rover's Return, playing pool past a certain age. But I think the video game thing is a real worry. OK, but I want a rule.

Do you play video games? I'm 38. I'm 36 years old. OK. I haven't had... You sound like you're in AA. I haven't actually had a console for quite a long time, but I think I will be someone...

Well, you don't smoke, do you? I will... Simon Cowell's got a few of those. I will be able to play... I think my generation will be the first ones to be able to play video games with their kids, because we knew how to play video games. What a happy day that will be.

Gather round the fireside. Yes, it will be nice. I don't like the snobbery against video games over other sorts of games. It's not snobbery, I just think sometimes yeah, I don't agree with the and I'm not going to get into this. I mean, it can take up your whole life.

That's why I don't play them. I just don't have that amount of spare time. No one ever said I got so addicted to Monopoly I don't play them. It's because I just don't have that amount of spare time. No-one ever said, oh, I got so addicted to Monopoly, I played it all night. Like, no-one... That never happened, I don't think. But video games, you can get... Yes, no, I consider temptation of that. Well, even on the little ten-pin bowling thing I play on the iPad.

I mean, sometimes I'm thinking, you know, it's 4am. Well, actually, I'm thinking it's 10pm. I taught that up a bit to make me sound groovy. I worry there are certain sweets you shouldn't eat after a certain age. Because I think the assumption is that once you get older, your palate matures and you should go for dark chocolate and sort of chocolate for sweets that you'd buy from Selfridges. I buy Frutellas still.

And I think that's quite undignified for a woman of my years. Frutella? Don't you think? Don't you think you should just be on Weathers Originals now? Well, I eat a lot of sticks of rock. Oh. And I find people stare at that. I don't.

I'll tell you what I did recently. I felt extremely self-conscious, and I thought tell you what I did recently I felt extremely self conscious and I thought you know what I wish I was I was doing something and I thought I wish I wasn't doing this now because I feel like I'm too old and when I was in I was walking down the street with a

with bottled water in my hand and I thought this is a young man's game. People are looking at me and thinking, oh, what a shame, look at him. Did you have gym gear on as well? No, I didn't have gym gear. I've still got it.

I must have looked as if I'd been to see my grandchildren and had absentmindedly picked it up as I was leaving. Maybe I reached for my umbrella and actually picked up some bottle of water on the side table instead. Oh, God. I just felt... I thought I could never carry it in the street ever again. No, I think you're right. I might get one of those Wild West canteens

with the sort of Native American patterning on the sides. Or you could put a brown paper bag around it and people would just think you're an alcoholic. Yeah, that would be better. Back on the nightmares. I mean, they'd be right. Or one of those baseball caps with the tube coming from there.

Or a drip. I could just carry a drip. That would be much more age-friendly. Exactly, yeah. If I can get one of those backless gowns, that'll be my look. Then you'd be Rear of the Year again. Yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was we... Who am I? Well, I was going to tell you about a little outing I had this week. Oh, yes. I went to the Eddie the Eagle premiere. Da-da-da-da! No! No, sorry.

That's the other one. What's the theme tune? Wow. There's lots of theme tunes. OK. Well, there's lots of 80s music, because obviously it's set in the 80s. And Taron, who's the star of it,

he sings it as well. He sung a song to go with it. He's got a very good voice. But I had a few friends involved. Does he sing I Believe I Can Fly? No! They missed the trick there. I should have told them. I heard Gary Barlow produced lots of songs for it, didn't he?

That's right. With 80s people. Yes, there were some 80s. Tony Hadley was there at the premiere. Okay. A lot of 80s people there. I was there. And 80s people.

I've been called that. And octogenarians. How dare you? and octogenarians. How dare you? How, like, I'm only vaguely aware of what Eddie the Eagle was. But you can't hide behind that. How old are you? Considering Brexitgate, that's hardly surprising. I was born in 1979, so I was...

When was Eddie operative, Frank? Would you say late 80s? Well, according to my girlfriend, he asked her out at some point, because she said, I wonder if I'm in the film. I said, I doubt that's an incident. Well, you say that, but we'd better talk about that afterwards. Yes. I don't... Was he... I'm saying late 80s.

I mean, the problem is with him, he wasn't that major a figure. I mean, if I'm going to, he wasn't that major a figure. If I'm going to be, God bless him, I'm surprised he's had a film made about him. No, but this is the point. This is why it works. And it is quite heartwarming because the films are always made about the winners. I like the film about the loser. It's called, you know, you get like film noir, film of Schadenfreude. I liked it. It was good.

But they made a Paul Potts movie, didn't they? I mean, what on earth is going on? Yeah, but Hugh Jackman's in it. He's getting like the lottery. Whoever wins gets... Yeah, Hugh Jackman's in it. Oh, he's fabulous in it. Well, I had an incident with him. Was he at the... Yes, yeah.

Do you want to hear about my Hugh Jackman incident? Yes, yes. OK. I always like to hear about my Hugh Jackman incident? Um, yes. Yes. Okay. I always like to hear about your Hugh Jackman. So Hugh Jackman... Sorry, that didn't work. Can we do that again? Live? Oh, dear. What, you mean all Gareth's haircut stuff? That's all in? Is it going to end up on the floor, that bit?

The cutting roof. Oh, love it. Anyway, Hugh Jackman, he's looking good. He's got that very modern star look on with this suit, with a scarf. He'd do a good haircut. Oh, why? Leave the blades on. Oh, is he Wolverine, is he?

Yeah, he's Wolverine. Be like Edward, he's Wolverine. Be like Edward. Here's a hand. So he's there, and I'm going over, I'm with a couple of friends, and I'm going, I know quite a lot of people at this event. You know quite a lot of people. Anyway. But I know some quite...

Stars! Not just stars. No, I'm going to say they're more important than just the stars. I know one of the stars, but I know the people behind the scenes, if you like. Oh, I see. The movers and shakers. Yes. Could you put a word in for me a minute?

Anyway. So I'm wandering over to see my friend. I'm going to have to name drop. He's the CEO of Lionsgate. So it's his whole party. So I'm going over to see him. On my way over, my bag bangs into the woman standing with Hugh Jackman. Yeah.

Short American woman. I said, I'm so sorry. She said, no, you cannot have a selfie with Hugh. I said, I don't want a selfie with Hugh. She didn't even listen to me. She said, we've said no selfies. No selfies with Hugh. I said, honestly, I honestly wasn't asking for a selfie with you.

She went, I thought, I said, I honestly didn't say that. So she went, OK, well, as if I had continued to ask for it. You know me, Frank. Did you have a selfie stick with you? No! OK. Was I going to take that lying down? Oh, no.

Yeah. Who was she in relation to you? I believe she might have been that lying down? Oh, no. Yeah. Who was she in relation to Hugh? I believe she might have been his publicist. Oh, yes. And so there was selfie paranoia. So I thought there's only one thing for this. Can I leave that on a cliffhanger? You can.

We're going to play this and then we'll find out what happened next. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm at the end of the Eagle premiere. As we've established, Hugh Jackman, I think it might be his publicist or someone who works with him, thinks I'm trying to take a selfie of him. I wasn't. She's about to be destroyed. Yeah.

Like at the end of Raiders of the Last Star, she's going to melt. Well, she was erroneous. I like Hugh Jackman. I think he's a lovely man. I do not want a photograph of some Australian dad. Has no interest to me. So, at this point, I decide there's only one thing for it. I need to own this woman.

And fast. Oh, God. So, I make a beeline. I made a beeline for the CEO. Because I thought this would be a good one. A beeline for the CEO? I gave him a hug be a good one. A beeline for the CEO? I gave him a hug. He couldn't believe he was being suffocated by me.

I grabbed him. I said, oh, hi. She looked over. She went white. She didn't know what to do. I said, oh. She came running over. She said, I just want to say I am so sorry.

Oh, no. It got to worse. My CEO friend said, what happened? I said, yeah, what happened? I genuinely said that. I'm so clenched. I think I'm tearing the fabric on the upholstery of this chair. In the end, I let her down quite gently.

I made her explain in big detail what had happened and apologise. Oh, yoy, yoy. But the best bit was at the end of the night when my friend said oh shall i go and say goodbye to hugh i said oh yes let's definitely go and say goodbye to hugh yes i wanted her to see in the end i think he thought i was mental hugh jackman but you know it was fine did you get your selfie though in the end gareth i never wanted a selfie i wonder when i for the second time just smacked her across the head with the bag. I wouldn't mind a selfie with...

He seems lovely and he's very handsome, but I didn't want a selfie with him. Fair enough. OK. So, look, thank you for listening this morning. And, Gareth, thanks for joining us. It's always a joy. Thank you for all the lovely messages about our seventh anniversary. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.