The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Broadchurch

Episode Date: March 5, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has watched Broadchurch #latereview and Em went to see The Phantom of the Opera. In other news it's been the week of the Oscars and the team discuss Jenny Beaven and Sam Smith. Plus, poet, comedian and actor Tim Key pops in for a chat.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This, however, is Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran and we're on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215. 81215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, Jim. Morning, Peter. Morning, Richie. So, er...

You didn't get into character there. I did. Oh, did you? Is that character? I didn't say anything. Wow. I just said morning. OK.

You know, it's... Morning. I think you need a good or something, though. Oh, OK. When you say morning, that's just... That's a time check. It's not a greeting. Hang on, it's... Morning. I think you need a good or something, though. Oh, okay. When you say morning, that's just... That's a time check. It's not a greeting. Hang on.

I'm checking the scripts. No, it doesn't say... My mind just says morning. Oh, okay. I was just having a look at the script. You know, it's heavily scripted, this. Oh, look at this. Even this bit.

Yeah. I'm starting to think we should have had another meeting about it. Did you? Should have got some of those writers in. I said I'm not sure about the gaps, but you're all fine with it. Yeah. I left everyone on a cliffhanger, so I feel I should get straight. I've never done this before.

It's just new territory, isn't it? Yeah. Like a one-week-long cliffhanger. You were actually in a car park. No, on an industrial estate. I was on a car park, yeah, on an industrial estate in High Wycombe. At Oxford Instruments? Outside Oxford Instruments.

OK. The first debate I think we got into was whether Oxford Instruments make sort of intellectual studenty type instruments like lutes and serpentines. And I said they made compasses and fractors. Yeah, now why does the word helix come to my mind when I think of my pencil case? I think that too. Well, I don't know, but we have had an email. You don't know? We've had an email from Michael Dodd during the week.

OK. Entitled Oxford Instruments, and it says Oxford Instruments makes large magnets for MRI. Don't get too close with your credit card. Oh. So Oxford Instruments could be, you know. It's a good job I didn't go back to the hotel, because you just know, don't you, that the key...

The key would have gone. The door key would have been ruined. That's what they make. What kind of an instrument is that? Weren't they Oxford magnets? Or Oxford devices. Yeah. Well, I looked on Oxford instruments and I found out about

pacemakers. Oh, they've got those. Plasma technology. Oh, that sounds like it. Super conducting wires. Super conducting wires. I like the sound of that. I didn't know whether that was a review. Oh, yeah. They might just be conducting wires. They're just particularly good, Frank.

Well, perhaps they're super at conducting wires. And a lovely gay man runs the company, and that's what he calls it. No, I told you we could say that. If his wife's listening, she might think her entire world has fallen to the ground. Luckily, she can suspend a large magnet above it and raise it back up again. MRI equipment. Well, good, they obviously do good work. They do.

Respect. Anyway, I, they obviously do good work. They do. Respect. Anyway, I didn't go in there. Obviously, someone was on their way to Oxford Instruments. In case you didn't hear the first part of this, I got into a car outside the hotel I was at in High Wycombe. Oh, yeah. Expecting to go to a kitchen, an experimental kitchen in Marlow, and ended up at Oxford Instruments,

you know, the magnet people, as we called them. I was, perhaps that was it. Perhaps the car went back. You were just drawn there. They switched on the big electron.

The guy just went, because, no, I remember, he didn't turn the wheel. We went in sideways. There was two big black rubbery lines on the car park. Oh, what about,

I thought he'd parked a bit close, actually. I couldn't get out on one side, we were right up against the wall. And also, do you know my watch? How far am I going to take thee? We were magnetised

into this. I don't know. Okay, we'll have a short pause. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So anyway, I'm on the car park outside Oxford Instruments. Oh, this story's such a sleazy beginning. I know, yeah.

I'm on the car park. That's the other thing. It's industrial, isn't it? Industrial estate. It was early in the morning and I had a sheepskin jacket on as well i mean it did it must have looked like a filming minder i know i think we went through this last week yeah we did um but uh it's available on podcast if you don't want to miss out uh so i'm why would you when you've got cliffhanger stories about the car park? I was so cold.

It's the coldest I've been, I think, since I've had money. Oh, I like that observation. Do you know this feeling? When you get so cold, you feel a little bit thinner. No, so tell me about it. Yeah yeah maybe you could introduce it to the fashion industry um you get sure i can afford to get that cold everything everything tenses up to the extent where like i felt you know my stomach felt relatively flat and i was absolutely well the thinner do you get colder don't they? My... My buttocks were inseparable.

That's how tensed I was. Oh, right. I had to... They were conjoined. I had to get a cameraman to prise them apart later with an instrument. That's disgusting. I'm sorry, but everything about me was so... You were in the right place for an instrument.

Yeah, I certainly was. What I needed... Just hope they didn't use a compass. Yeah, I needed a magnet. What I should have done is put some iron filings down the Central Reservation and then got a magnet either side. Anyway, let's not go too far into that.

What the German... The Nazis experimented with... What's happened? We're talking about Oxford Instruments. My wicked names are the Nazis experimented with... What's happened? We're talking about Oxford Instruments. Yeah, I know that. And I recognise that the Nazis... When they had sailors or airmen ended up in the ocean because they were freezing cold, they experimented with picking...

The main problem is hypothermia. They would pick them up on ships, and then they would have rooms with ladies, with ladies in them, and the men would go and have the physicals, and that would restore... It's the best, most efficient way to restore the body heat. They'd warm themselves with a...

Yeah, patriotic volunteers, I think. But yeah, that's how they did it. Of course, this was, you know, High Wycombe. On a Tuesday morning. I mean, who are you going to call? Very few patriotic volunteers knocking around on the industrial

estate. Well, I couldn't see any. There may have been. I don't think I was recognised. But, interesting.'t see it, and it may have been. I don't think I was recognised. But, uh, interesting. Uh, and of course, do you remember that thing? You'll know about this, Al. The bricklayers. Oh! You know the bricklayers thing?

That's so cruel. Am I somehow being involved in a sort of a manly, tradie story? We are manly. Because of my northern accent. You're more manly than the rest of us. I include myself. But you know, bricklayers, the story, I don't know if it's true, if there's any bricklayers you might want to back us up on this,

or refuting, that they they they wee on their hands when they get cold to keep them... Oh, do they? I mean, we've all done it, but I'm talking about deliberately. To be honest, some of the bricklayers I've met might not be doing it deliberately, to be honest.

No, but if you heard of that as a method of keeping... You're going to ask me if I've ever done it. I know I would never ask you. I would never talk to a lady like that. There was a rumour... There was a rumour that went round my school about a lad who had a milk round who used to pee himself on purpose to keep warm on the milk round.

So maybe there is some truth in this. Really? I wouldn't do that. I think they're electric, aren't they, the floats? He could have gone off in his sleep. What are the consequences? You know when cats used to wee on electric fires and that was that? Could have been like that.

But they still have the milk floats. Does anyone still get the milk delivered, by the way? I saw milk on somebody's step by the way? I saw milk on Somebody's step the other day I saw it on Jonathan Ross' step the other day Now this was an old woman lives down the road There was about 17 bottles Hank

I was amazed Oh let me just have a scratch Yeah I sometimes look at my lovely house And think you know this is This house is what 3, 3% to 5% builder urine. It's a sobering thought. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had quite a lot of feedback. I don't know if you've inadvertently opened up a text for people at the more coal-face end of the working spectrum. Imagine if I said that. Well, it... I can imagine that. OK, yeah, me too, actually.

Well, I'll let you in... I'll explain. Andy from Sudbury has texted, a tip a friend was given to him while doing the knowledge on his moped. See? I mean, the knowledge on his moped see i mean the knowledge on a moped i love i love it i love to see a lector on a moped yes i do yeah perspex lector for people that don't know that's when they're learning to be taxi drivers in that they're london is that what they're doing i just thought they had a particularly long order no no they're doing the knowledge doing

the knowledge in it guff um and uh he said uh doing the knowledge. Doing the knowledge, innit, Gough? And he said, doing the knowledge on his moped to keep warm in winter, just drink lots and wet yourself in your waterproof suit. That was that tip. Very similar to the... That's a hardcore tip. And 541 has texted, peeing on your hands is something bricklayers tell gullible apprentices. I never knew that well well we've

only got one man's word for it there may be other views we respect all the views on this show john has got in touch to john hi i think i know him hi fralom is it uber driver hi fralom i like fralom Uber driver. Hi, Frallum. I like Frallum. Oh, that's good, yeah. Oxford instruments sounded very right to my wife and I also, with regard to school equipment.

However, then we remembered we used to have a Texas Instruments calculator. Texas. Is this what Frank is thinking of? More work, less praise. John, now... I think Helix. There was an Oxford instrument. Oh, yes. I think Helix. I think there was an Oxford instrument there. Oh, yes. I think Helix was written on my protractor.

Mm-hmm. I think Texas Instruments does sound right, but that could just be like an electric chair, couldn't it? Well, no, we had Texas Instruments. Yeah, Co-Prod. But they were very state-of-the-art. I mean, I remember when Sheridan Morley, who had one of the first calculators, I believe. Is that

right? Yeah, he bought one of the first calculators. We used to see it when we were a child. I said it was too big. Well, I think Texas Instruments made those things that you measure Stetsons. Oh, yeah. Stetson internal diameters. I think they do those. Oh, yeah.

When you're buying your hats. Anyway. So you were there. You were drawn there. Are we still in the car park? I'm afraid so. We're just about to leave. I'm moving away from... So you're freezing. Which isn't easy

if you've got your keys in your pocket. I'll tell you, I was a bit let down by sheepskin. I always thought sheepskin was like the warmest of the warm. No, but you've had that a few years now. Is that what happens? Old sheep get colder, don't they? How dare you?

Do you get really old sheep? Do people keep sheep? Isn't that what mutton is? Can that be your texting? Do you get really old sheep? Oh, now we're going to get the butchers texting in as well. No, but is every sheep basically doomed? Or do people just have sheep and just

have sheep? Here it is have sheep here it is frank we're all doomed basically yeah i didn't want to bring it up in the morning we'll talk we'll talk later yeah oh dear keep it cheery alan keep it cheery you know about sheep you're alan with a U. Oh, dear. So, anyway, soon I shall be rescued. But first... Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio.

OK, so... Meanwhile, over in the High Wycombe car park. So, I'd phoned the people I was working with, told them I was trapped outside OI. Colonel Abrahams. And they came over and picked me up. I think they were slightly frightened I'd be furious. But I was lovely about it.

Were you? It's good that you're advertising that. Why do you think they were frightened you'd be furious but i was i was lovely about it were you that's good it's good that you're advertising that why do you think they were frightened you'd be furious i don't know i can't imagine where they've got that from no i can't either anyway so um i it was like it was like you know when that that thing in the bible when i said if one if one sheep strays that you'd leave the shepherd would leave behind the other sheep and go and rescue that one. That's what I was like in my sheepskin jacket. Yes.

I felt I'd been rescued from the entangled, the prickly bush. So anyway, they said, right, what can we get you? And the only word I could utter was Bovril. And it came out of nowhere. I hadn't even thought about it. But it shows that you get to a certain level of coldness, unless you're a German airman,

where maybe it's not Bovril that you're calling for. And I said Bovril. Of course, they didn't have Bovril. People don't have them around. They sent someone out. And it was... I mean, this is not an... I'm not being paid by Bovril.

Or as my dad used to call it, beef tea. This will go down on your... This will go down, though, now, as industry word, that Frank Skinner always insists on Bovril. No, only if I've got hypothermia. That subtlety will be lost with these people. Yeah, yeah. If stranded on an industrial estate, that's not occurring.

And if I remember rightly, just to try and twist this into a topicality, didn't Geri Hall used to advertise Bovril? Have I made that up? Did she? I think she did. Marmite, maybe. Now she likes her meat a little more mature.

Good night! I can't remember which one it is. Fortunately, she's not in a position to sue us or anything if we get it wrong. No, no. I'm pretty sure that Jerry Hall advertised marmite. I think it was marmite. No, it was Barfro. Okay.

Oh, no, you might be right, Frank. Well, someone will know. You generally are. Because our readers know everything. I'm starting to realise you generally are. Thank you so much. Perhaps you could speak to my partner. About pretty much everything.

Oh, this is a trap. It's not. I smell a trap. It's genuine. I don't know, I've made some mistakes. What about when I asked Faye Tozer about her trampolining? Oh, that was embarrassing. Had you read that on Wikipedia? She said, people keep talking about that,

it's not true. I thought, well, it's hardly a scandal. Exactly. We all have our ups and downs. Hey! For the £10,000 for the old white dreads. Who else makes a strange joke and then sings a little tune after it?

I said, if you've still got your white dreads, I'll give you £10,000 for them. She laughed in my face. That's Tozer. There's a dog just come in. I'll just identify it. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a fine text in from 832 Hi Frank and the team, just heard you talking about Bovril When my son was in the Cubs he came home upset one day And said they wanted me to drink Bogrol We couldn't understand what he was on about Then realised it was Bovril said in a black country accent I'm so glad we're on FM in the West Midlands now It's changed everything You were right of course about Bovril said in a black country accent. I'm so glad we're on FM in the West Midlands now. It's changed everything. You were right, of course, about Bovril.

Was it Jerry Hall? As I said, right about everything. Someone has said, Frank is right again, Bovril. What, about Jerry Hall? I think so, that's the level of communication we're getting. Frank is right again, Bovril. And we have some clarity for the geometry set dilemma. This is from TJ Golding.

Oh, I like TJ Golding. That's played by William Shatner. I like the geometry set. TJ Golding. It's a group of listeners. It's like James Golding. The Helix Oxford set of mathematical instruments. And it says completed and accurate.

Oh, I hated all that stuff did you i mean i had them but i never i never liked the geometries it's hard when it really hard i thought that was a ruler but um oh slide wrong do you familiar with the phrase beef tea? I think my dad sometimes made his own beef tea with beef. Oh, did he? Oh. He couldn't get beef bags or anything. He just sort of boiled... When you boil beef, you then drink the water from it. Oh, wow.

We didn't really boil our beef. Or did you have a sort of a pork cappuccino? That sounds rude, doesn't it? No, but I remember making my... Why did you say that? I tried to make my grandfather a cappuccino when I was about four, probably, knowing my parents asking me to make coffees

when I was a child. Yeah. And he complained and gave me a long lecture about how horrible the cappuccino was. Yeah. You see, it'd be nice you get more out of them. That's what I've always been thought. I was in a...

I was in an Uber. I'll be straight with you. Careful on this show, because we get a very large... We get a lot of the black cab driver demographic. I use all the various forms of transport. It's just, you know, horses for courses. Of course, you can't always get one of those. Mm-hm.

No. But... Tricy we pulled we pulled on considering those recently yeah we pull uh we were coming down um regent street we were just pulling on to uh piccadilly circus and this driver honestly well you're in a richard curtis movie this This driver honestly said to me, as we pulled onto Piccadilly Circus, it's always very busy. And I thought, he's going to say, surely he's going to say, it's like Piccadilly.

He didn't. He didn't say, oh. I can imagine your agony at the set-up of a joke. I know. The non-delivery of a joke. I know, and I sensed, if I said it, it might come over as a bit smarmy. You know, I like to avoid that whenever possible. It reminded me of the time.

I was in Books Etc. Do you remember that? Oh, yes. I was in Books Etc. and there was a woman in there, what looked like her granny or something, this old woman. And the old woman, I must have told you this before, but for some reason it cracked me up. She said, oh, look at all the books in here.

She said, it's like a library. I thought, you know what? A bookshop is somewhat like a library in appearance. Well spotted, Grandma. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was just saying, I think

I'm the only person who's looked at that picture of Jerry Hall marrying Rupert Murdoch today and gone aww. Yeah, I think you are. Big hearted. Big hearted author they call me. That is what we say about you when. Big-hearted. Big-hearted Arthur they call me.

That is what we say about you when you're not around. Just FYI, that's not what they call you. They only say nice things about you, Frank. I'm sure they do. Well, Big-Hearted Arthur was the signature tune for Arthur Askey. Oh, was it? And a friend of mine, who actually works on Talk Sport, was telling

me that he watched an old show with Arthur Askey and he'd come on to do a chat show, and it was like Big-hearted Arthur! He sat down and ranted about immigration, bringing back a national service, bringing back the cat, you know, for whippings and executions.

And then he went off to big-hearted Arthur. And as I pointed out, they should have done a version that was called Bigoted Arthur. Oh! Arthur Askey has been name-checked on commercial radio on a Saturday morning. All is well with the world.

What is it called, by the way? Don't know. Is that... Because often these things are sort of a pun, aren't they? Yes, I'm sure we can work this out. Like, ma, my, hopeful pa. Well, it sounds vaguely beefy, doesn't it? Not in a Botham sense. No. Does it sound...

Bovine. Oh! Bovine, yeah, because it's from cattle. Bovine. What about the rill? It's real. It's the real thing. That's just made up. Bovine, real. Bovril, it's the real thing. No.

Just do it. What was the catchphrase? That's right. You're getting confused. What was the catchphrase for Bovril? Naughty but nice. No, that's cream cakes. That campaign was written by Salman Rushdie, apparently. No, it was Faye Weldon, wasn't it? Oh, I heard it was Salman Rushdie.

We've got our Urban Miss confused. Oh, I'm sorry. Listen, 304, Jackie, who's one of our regulars, has got in touch with us. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Remember we were talking about congas last week? Oh, yeah. And I said I wanted you to take my conga virginity.

Yeah. Football. Yes, we should put that out and just cut out the word conga. Yeah, let's not. I get on very well with Kath, thank you. Yes, you should put that out and just cut out the word conga. OK. Yeah, let's not. I get on very well with Kath, thank you. Yes, you get on very well with me, and of course that would go down the toilet as well. Of course it would, we know that.

Football Jackie here, sister of Spreadsheet Russell. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Can you remind us? Jackie works for the FA, if I remember right. Yes, she does, correct. Well, the Premier League. Yes.

And Spreadsheet... No, the FA. She works for the FA. Spread I remember right. Yes, she does, correct. The Premier League. Yes. No, the FA. She works for the FA. Spreadsheet Russell, Alan? A person that was in Frank's audience who had kept... A record of every film he's seen at the cinema. OK, very good. This is like, guess who?

But not judged them artistically, just a record of them. Anyway, Jackie FA says, following on from Frank's... Hold on a minute. Jackie... Can I say her surname? Is that right? Jackie Bass. I remember it now. Billy Bass. I asked if she was related

to Big Mouth Billy. There you go. Following on from Frank's conga tales last week, when I worked at QPR and results weren't going our way. Can we hold it there? Because we have to go to the news. And I think that's a great cliffhanger. Because there's been quite a few things that happened at QPR when results weren't going their way.

Let's hold our breaths. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us, why don't you, on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, new readers who who joined us since the news might be interested to know that we had a message. We're supposed to not say text and email. I said, remember from last week we got told off.

Well, that was one person. And it proved wildly impractical because, you know, it's a sort of a springboard for how somebody has sent a message in, isn't it? When you say, we've had a text. I don't understand what you're getting at. we've had an email you can't just say we've heard from oh i'm with i'm with the anyway so um jackie bass is working at qpr and things results aren't going well no that's that's how the story begins. Results at QPR weren't going our way, leading to morale being at an all-time low.

A colleague sent an email to all staff inviting them to take part in a hokey-cokey on the middle of the pitch. Hokey-cokey, OK. It's very difficult to be sad after that. Love the show, Jackie. I think I would find that very easy to be sad after. The Hokey Cokey on the pitch? I've never regarded the Hokey Cokey as in the same league as the Conga. Really? What's the difference?

Well, the Conga, you're going somewhere. There's a sense of progress, movement, of life moving on, of change. I'll tell you what I think. I think the Conga is a little bit more brash and broad. It's a bit ITV and the Hkey-cokey's a bit BBC. It's swap shop versus Tiswas. I think the hokey-cokey's reminiscent of Dante's Seven Circles of Hell. You go in, you come back, you're trapped in your own...

Purgatory. No, hell! trapped in your own... Purgatory. No, hell! Anyway, whereas I think maybe because of the conga as purgatory, you move towards paradise on a good night.

I struggle with the idea of joining in on both, frankly. You're not a big joiner, are you? I don't like a conga. I can't imagine. I don't love a joiner. I shouldn't think you're much of a dancer, are you? Am I right? Oh, I can throw shapes, but I'm not... I shouldn't think you're much of a dancer, are you? Am I right? Oh, I could throw shapes, but I'm not, um... I shouldn't think you're much of a dancer, frankly. No, but I'm not much of a dancer,

but I imagine Al would think it's a bit un-male to dance. What? I love a dance. You say that as if I'm macho. You were asking me questions about bricklaying earlier. I don't know any of this stuff. Martial arts, that's all I'm saying. Martial arts are massively popular to the female community

as well, actually. Yes. Anyway, we've also had an email. Yes, I've discovered that to my peril. That sounds a good story. Our other texting is about how did they name Bovril? I don't know if you remember throwing that one out there.

Will this be a big scandal, by the way, that QPR, when they had a results problem, should have been concentrating on training. Instead, they were doing the hokey-cokey on the pitch. Was that where Peter Odenwingi turned up to? What if he'd turned up there to sign for them? They'd been doing the hokey-cokey. He'd have thought, well, I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Or a conga. Just go past him. As he was on his way in to sign in, there's Harry Redknapp leading out a conga. Indeed. Anyway, we've had a message. We've heard from someone. Oh.

The first part of the product's name comes from Latin bovem. Oh, the bovril. We're on bovril. We're on bovril now. Yeah, it's a bovril. I said that. I said it came from bovine, didn't I? Yeah, meaning ox.

Johnson took the vril suffix. Johnson? I guess that's the people that... Where's he come from, Johnson? Johnson must be the people that make Bovril. He's arrived completely introduced. Unintroduced. He's a new character. I didn't know he had a storyline this week. Do you think so? You alright, Frank? What are you doing, Frank?

I've just noticed there's a paper. What are those called? Bulldog clip. There's like a big bulldog clip. I just put my biro in it just while I'm listening. Well, good for you. Johnson, who I guess are the makers of Bovril, took the Vril suffix from Bulwer-Lytton's

then popular novel, The Coming Race, 1870, whose plot revolves... Sounds a bit dodgy, The Coming Race. It does sound a bit dodgy. The plot revolves around a superior race of people, the Vrilyar, who derive their powers from an electromagnetic substance named Vril. Aye, aye. Oxford Instruments.

We're back at Oxford Instruments. In my end is my beginning. Therefore, Bovril indicates great strength obtained from an ox. So it's named after a sci-fi novel and an ox. Fascinating. I must get a jar. We should run a text in. If you can think of any other household products

that are named after literary references. Oh, another, but there's loads. Too niche, do you think? Ajax is named after, from Homer. Oh, I thought that was after Ajax. Oh, OK. Oh, yeah, it is. It's Homer, yeah.

Yeah, great. Yeah. So, actually? Yeah, Ajax is in... I thought you were just mucking around. Well, it's because it's strong. It's the strongest one. Yeah.

OK. So... Medusa scouring pads? Oh, yeah. Is there such a thing as that? No. OK. OK, let's go to somewhere else.

So what do we want? I've sold products named after literary topics. There must be some more. Oh, there'll be, yes. It's so obscure, this Frank. Can't we just do West Spangles? What's your favourite colour? Is that the sort of thing they do on Magic, isn't it?

No, they don't. It's a very fine station. Just remember it's one of ours. OMG. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You asked for household products that would be named after literary characters.

What literary... References. Things, yes. Well, MK Knight says Flash is Flash Gordon, possibly. Oh, yeah. Well, let's take it. What about the road to Domestos? You know, you have a road to Domestos experience, like St Paul.

Yeah. Come on, back me up. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not saying it, you know, it was an impromptu texting. I bet there's others. experience like St Paul. Yeah. Come on, back me up. Yeah. I'm not saying it, you know, it was an impromptu texting them. I bet there's obviously... I'm not giving up yet. We always knew it was quite niche, I think. Yes. I'm not frightened about that.

Now, we've received a photograph, which I appreciate isn't that convenient for our readers. However... Perhaps we can put it up on the social media and we paint more pictures yeah marcus grenfeld has tweeted us to say here's a pic of sean sean is a sheep who just turned up one day and stayed he loved playing footy with the dog there's a picture of sean the dog and the football. So the sheep just turned up.

Brilliant. They wander, though, don't they, sheep? Aren't you supposed to give them back if they turn up? I don't know. I don't work for DEFRA. You don't work for DEFRA? Yeah. What the heck are you doing here?

We do. What is DEFRA? It's the Department of the Environment of something blah, blah, blah. You need it if you keep sheep. Because a couple of friends of mine had some sheep. I thought we were on Defra Radio. I won't name their names. Oh, I really need to read my contracts.

I thought this was Defra Radio. Oh, Defra. Is it Defra or Defra? I don't know. It is Defra, you're right. Soca features like a galleon. I was made as a Spanish man, oh, Defra. Why are you dedicating a song to death for all?

I bet that's the Christmas party They get up and sing that That'd be lovely A sheep just turned up like Martin Gare Have you ever seen that film? Martin Gare Turns out it wasn't the real sheep after all

Spoiler alert. We've had a load of sheep stuff in. Have we? Yeah. Chris Shales, the vet, has sent a missive about sheep's teeth. Wow. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, listening to your chat earlier about whether sheep get old

reminded me of my days as a country vet near Norwich. Sheep, I hope he's not some sort of ultimity character sheep teeth grow constantly as they wear until they basically run out of tooth well don't we all so most sheep age is limited by how long their teeth last usually three or four years but it depends on their diet this applies to other animals too and a crude way of aging a horse now this is good for me because I've got my ride tomorrow, is to examine the pattern and degree of wear on their teeth. Hence the phrase, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, as it was considered ill-mannered to try and see if a horse given as a gift was older than it looked.

That's fair enough. That's from Chris Shales. So a sheep dies because its teeth run out and it hasn't got any chewing done. Presumably. Simon Cowell would be all right then, in the sheep world, because his veneers never run out and it hasn't got any chewing done. Presumably. Simon Cowell would be all right then in the sheep world because his veneers never run out. No. Does that mean if I had a sheep and I bought a blender, it would be immortal?

Yeah, definitely. I might look into that. I say that as one of DEFRA's leading experts. I promise you that's definitely true, yeah. I think that's quite a good idea. I could... Yeah, a sheep and a NutriBullet, and you've mastered immortality in the sheep community.

Well, it's something I've been working on for a few weeks. I think we're there. Well done, everyone. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It was the Oscars this week, which I don't think we've discussed this morning, have we? No, we were busy talking about Death, Rope and Sheep. It was the bad Oscars, wasn't it, this year?

The bad Oscars. Oh, I see. You know, the bad Oscars. Well... Wouldn't want to win one this year. Wouldn't you? Oh, as if you turned one down. This is an Oscar I won in 2000. Oh, 2006. Wasn't that the bad Oscars. Well. Wouldn't want to win one this year. Wouldn't you? Oh, as if you turned one down. This is Oscar I won in 2006.

Oh, 2006. Oh, that was, wasn't that the bad Oscars? I mean, who wants it in their life? Sorry, Leonardo, if you're listening. Only person left who calls him Leonardo. What did I say? Everyone else called him. Leo.

You've saved a load of time there. Absolutely loads of time. Just think of what you could have done with that. Do you think you'll ever meet the right woman, Leo? Is he not in a relationship? I don't really follow that. Oh, is he not in a relationship? Different one every night.

Well, I want you to work with Kate Winsley. Yeah. Different one every night. Everything's a step down. He's a busy lad. Is it a different one every night? Yeah. Really?

Well, you know, while he's young. Good. 43? Yeah. He's older than me know, while he's young. Good. 43? Yeah. He's older than me. Not looking quite so cool now. Anyway, Sam Smith. Remember the one who lost a load of weight

and did the Bond song we don't really remember? Oh, yes. Well, the Bond song, I remember it, I just don't like it. Writing's on the wall. It's too... For his career. Yeah. Well.

It is screamy. That's better than he sounded on the light. It's too... For his career? Yeah. Well... It is screamy. That's better than he sounded on the light. God love him. He had a mare. He had a mare. With him, who sang better, actually. My mare would sing better. With, her name is.

He had a mare. Sam Smith had a mare. He did. That's going to cause trouble at the council house when that comes up. He said it was the worst night of his life. Oh, come on, Sam. That's overdone it a bit. He said singing was horrible, I hated every minute.

I mean, how do you think it was for the rest of us? It sounded a bit... I only heard, like, the first half of it. It did sound... I mean, I just don't like the song. I think they call it a bit toppy in the trade. I think a mic stand had fallen on the piano, though. Oh, yes. I don't think it was his fault.

Yes. Why didn't he come up with that? I don't know why. Maybe he thinks it's been used too much lately. Come on, Smudge. Get your excuses. Smudge, yeah. Get your excuses under...

He also got into a spot of bother with the LGBT community. Yes. Yeah. Now, this, I think, this was just a mistake, wasn't it? It was. He also got into a spot of bother with the LGBT community. Yes. Yeah. This, I think, this was just a mistake, wasn't it? It was. I don't think he did a bad thing. Say what he did, Frank. Well, he said he was the first openly gay man to win an...

The openly gay... Did he say man or person? He said he was the first openly gay man... To win an Oscar. Yeah. Well, clearly you were. Only he didn't win the Oscar. No.

I was the first practising Roman Catholic to win Re oscar yeah well clearly you were only you didn't win the oscar no i was the first practicing roman catholic to win rear of the year you were the first practicing member of the snm community yes not to win an oscar i'll put money on i haven't won an oscar can we make that clear this is how rumors start you should have frank skinner's doing well in america really he's won oscar today for what You might get an Oscar. I think it was sound effects on Mad Max. Really? No. Best foreign film for...

Now, I'll tell you what, I think for Perkins, you might get an Emmy or something. You could have been nominated. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so he said that, and then he wasn't. He wasn't the first openly gay man to win an Oscar. Yeah, but guess what happened? Yeah.

Because he ended up... He said that, and then, unfortunately, Dustin Lance Black... That was my job at the minstrel theatre. Oh, NG. Dustin Lance Black... We didn't know in those days. We knew no better

unbelievable dustin lance black yeah who was laughing don't keep saying it okay it's not my fault for saying no no you're right i'm just saying a man's name i've been a damn you're saying the stuff i'm just saying the name dustin Lance Black. Who goes out with... Who goes out with Tom Daley. Yes. He of the pan fame. Oh. I mean, that's what he's best known for now, that big pan. Yes, the big... The master pan. Which, of course, was a breakfast for both of them.

That's what he was making it. Yes, he said, I'm making it for my... But he said, I'm making it for my boy... Did he say boyfriend? Yeah. You see, I noticed... Quite modern now, Frank, these days. I know now.

Blimey. No, no, but what I didn't know was that the gay community have embraced engagement as well as marriage. Of course, what do you mean? Why are they picking all the rubbish things from the heterosexual community? I mean, engagement, it's sort of gone, hasn't it? Do people still do that? I think they do, but... So he actually used one of my favourite words of all time, fiancé.

Oh, I love a fiancé. He said, stop texting my fiancé. I thought you only had fiancés in Hello magazine. Well, I used to get them in Carry On films. I thought it was very Bavarian Castle, the fiancé. Well, we haven't explained what happened. Dustin Lance Black said, I've said it 12, we haven't explained what happened. He, Dustin Lance Black, said... I've said it 12 times now.

That was my job. Even again! Yeah, see, he was... He was cross with Sam Smith, because not only had he said that no openly gay man had won an Oscar, when he had, in fact, won one for The screenplay of Milk. Must admit, I didn't know that. I did. I loved that film.

I liked the film, but I didn't know it was written by DLB and he'd won an Oscar. I mean, you need so much research. Poor Sam Smith. Poor Sam Smith. And he was texting Tom Daley. He was texting Tom Daley. He said, I'll tell you what DLB said, hey Sam Smith,

if you have no idea who I am, it may be time to stop texting my fiancé. Fiancé. Love it. Yeah. And then I suspect he did his e-formation. But is there any sort of inference there that he's a bit, didn't like him texting his fiancé?

Yeah. Yeah. I think there's quite a lot of inference there. 100. Okay. Of course, George Michael was engaged, wasn't he? That's what it said on the door. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. The bit that I took away from this story about the Oscars is that Tom Daley's boyfriend has got an Oscar. Fiancé. Yeah, fiancé. Sorry, I didn't realise. Yeah, he's got an Oscar. What of it? Big deal. Well, that makes them quite an intimidating social couple, doesn't it? Imagine going round for dinner at their house.

Bronze medal in the Olympics, was he? Yeah. Was it? He's quite an overachiever himself. And then, like the other guy, oh, yeah. Imagine going out for dinner. Got an Oscar. If I'm going around their house, it's for breakfast. Yeah, with that monster pan. Yes. Yeah, that's when you get the old... You want the old

monster pan. Lovely. You've got to send one. I know. Have you used it? I keep buttons in one section. Paper clips in another. Coin, foreign coins. No, no, I don't. It's a brilliant thing. Now, there was another incident at the Oscars

which was to do with Jenny Bevan, the costume designer. Did you see this? Oh, yes. Jenny Bevan. She is the one that Stephen Fry recently called a pag lady, didn't he? And she was said to have received a rather muted response when she went up to collect her Best Costume Designer award.

Because she didn't go frog. She went leather jacket and trousers. Yeah. And a scarf. And she's defended herself on that, hasn't she, by saying that she'd look silly in an expensive frog. Or can I say I loved Jenny Beckham? Didn't bother Ant.

Did Ant have an expensive frog on? Yes, he did. He had a ball gown. Did he? Yeah. Didn't know that. Did he? Yeah. Didn't know that. Check your billboard. Why do you keep saying he had a ball gown? He had a ball gown on.

Who, Ant? Yeah. Did he? Yeah. In the Brits, Ant wore a ball gown. Did he not? What's that? I'm not the only person this has happened to. I was, of course, I was there, dear.

Are you sure that wasn't something Father John Misty put in your drink? No. They just did a tribute to David Bowie, a very moving tribute. Then when he came back to Ant & Dec, Ant had got a ball going on. Are you sure? Well, look, Sarah, our assistant producer, Daisy, our producer... Daisy says it. She loves the EastEnders and the Brits. It's her favourite shows, Frank.

I'll tell you what's brilliant. I was watching it on television this week. Can I just say? What? I thought... Oh, it'll be Channel 5, Al. I'd really recommend this. Broadchurch.

Yeah? Oh, God. Talk about late review, Frank. Absolutely top notch. Are you serious? I'm totally serious. First series on the second. I haven't got to the second yet.

I've done... No spoilers, if you're worried. I've done all eight episodes. No spoilers? How can you avoid spoilers? Gone with the Wind, no spoilers. I completely avoid... Just for R2, no spoilers.

I completely avoid... I didn't know. Me and Kath watched all eight episodes this week. Absolutely brilliant. You heard it here last. There's been another series since then. Oh, no, no. Well, we'll get, you know, it takes time these things, but honestly

I'd recommend it. I've seen it! What else do you recommend? Usual Suspects? Well, the ending's alright, the rest of it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I do a thing on iPlayer, you know. Oh, yeah.

And one of the things... Frank Skinner on demand, it's called. That's correct. One of the things I had to watch was a documentary about tribute bands. And there's an ACDC tribute band called ABCD. Oh, excellent. Very fine. Please don't send in loads of tribute band names.

No. Come on. It's amazing. You're better than that. Steve! You're juggling so many different media projects, but you still find time to keep across all the output, like Broadchurch.

Yeah, yeah. You're so up to date. I like to keep, you know, finger on the pulse. Yeah. Brilliant Broadchurch. I know, but Frank... No, but honestly... Can I tell the readers, in that musical interlude,

Frank was asking us questions, which obviously I won't reveal, in case anyone hasn't seen it. Good luck with that, finding them. But anyway, Frank was saying, what bit in that bit, why did she do that? I don't know, Frank. It's like trying to remember something to do with the dissolution of the monasteries. It's a long time ago.

Well, I haven't forgotten the dissolution. You picked a bad example for him. Yes, narrow church, as I call it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just ask this bag lady thing? Because I say that quite a lot. Oh, I'm like a bag lady when I've got lots of bags.

But I don't really know what I'm comparing myself to. You can say it of yourself. What you're comparing yourself to. Yeah, I don't really know what I mean by that. You know what a bag lady is, though, don't you? Oh, this is a little bit awkward. Is it a person of the streets? it's a person of the street sometimes they carry loads and loads to carry bags with their with their world in them yeah but there's how did that come about because there's

you know there's other things that there's bad man there's bad man that's why you never hear anyone call a bag man no isn't that a 70s comic thing that they used to have a bloke that carried their bags was a bag man superhero no like a driver that they used to have a bloke that carried their bagman? What bagman was? Bagman. Superhero. No, like a driver and just a kind of a bloke that came around with a 70s comic. He's got his bagman with him. Oh, bagman. Anyway.

I just think of football or going on the coach with a man bag. I think Stephen Fry called her a baglady, but apparently they're all mates and it was a bit of, you know, Hey, come on! Come on! I can't imagine Stephen Fry ever making any of those sounds it was a gentle industry roast amongst colleagues but

at the Oscars the suggestion was that people weren't clapping her people have subsequently said that that's incorrect and they were clapping her and they've just edited the footage to make it look like that but can i was can i just say i'm in i was in full support of her look oh good well that's hard coming from you if you don't mind me saying a woman who is like an upside down cake always well turned can i explain why go on and i'm going to get on my feminist high horse here i'm

sorry i'm sorry frank no because that's not what she does. I'm not the horses for you these days. If you are an actress or a model, that's part of your job description. That's part of what you do, is the fancy dress, masquerade aspect of it. That's not what she does. No, I know that.

No one says, William Goldman, your tie's not very nice. It is a bit Pope Francis. I'll only travel in a G registration Hillman Imp. I just, whenever I watch the fashion, let's go back to the golden age of fashion TV. Now, I used to watch that and you'd get all these fabulous outfits. I mean, beautiful stuff. And then the designer would come out and I'd think, who's this? I thought someone bringing a mic stand out.

Yes. T-shirt and jeans. And it's almost like they're saying, you know, I don't need to dress up, I'm the designer. Well, I think that's fair enough, in the same way the screenwriter doesn't need to dress up. Well, I'm happy with Jenny Bavin. She adopted a sort of Robert Plant look, which I thought was fine. Can I tell you, it was very My Parents Friends. Yes, I couldn't see that.

She had a lot of first editions in her house in Islington. She's won an Oscar before, I don't know what for, but she don't need to... She's got an old Oscar and a new Oscar, and the new one's muscly. Have they changed the nature of the Oscar? They've changed the physique, almost as if the Oscars are boasting that drug cheat rules don't apply to actors. That's what it's like.

I bet Jenny Bevan's made a little outfit for the original. She got it, we should say, for Mad Max Fury Road, B17, 9LJ. I think that's the full address. Is that in the sat-nav? If you want to write to Mad. Yeah, I'll drive there. Yeah. That'd be... If I got into my sat-nav and put in Mad Max Fury Road,

where do you think I'd end up? Local cinema? That'd be something. No. I'd tell you where I'd end up. Oxford Instruments. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You ought to know Frank's eating of pork scratching at the moment.

This time of day. Sorry, that crept up on me a bit. I apologise for my unprofessionalism. Do you want us to say something for a little moment while you crunch through that? Yeah, can you read that for me? Yeah, sure. You're listening to the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio. Text the show on 8-12-15.

You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. Via, we've gone for now. Well, at least your mouth wasn't full of pork scratching. I'm a via, man. You're a via, man. Yeah, I do via. How are the scratchings? I'm always vying for position.

You're always veering to the left or the right to avoid the kerfuffle. They're lovely, the pork scratchings. I mean, you know, you can do all the black country jokes you like about the pork scratchings, but they are really one of the nicest foods. Producer's looking out the window, never worrying. One of the nicest foods? Actually one of the nicest foods. Not even snacks?

No. Oh, you know you said you'd been catching up with all the latest action on Broadchurch. Yes, series one. Yes, that's right, everyone. I haven't done series two yet. Broadchurch series one. Don't bother.

Well, I think I can beat that. Oh, don't be negative. I think I can beat that. Producer's eating almonds now. What's happened to you people? Um, I went to see Phantom of the Opera. Oh! This week. Do you know how long it's been open? Late review, yeah. I've never seen it.

I've heard it. I've heard the CDs. 30 years it's been open. It's the 30th year. Wow. How was it? Absolutely awful. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? I think it's the worst thing I've ever seen in my whole life. And I've seen some sites.

It makes you wonder how it's lasted for 30 years. It's absolutely terrible. Hmm. I mean, oh my goodness. Andrew Webber upstairs. I don't know if you can hear that at home what happens is Absolute Radio decide to schedule in drilling works normally at a weekend during our show

thank you I don't mind it, it makes us sound like we're in the centre of things anyway, back to Phantom of the Opera yes, except that sounds better. Now, let me tell you the extraordinary thing about Phantom of the Opera, if you can hear me over the drill. Yeah. Is that, essentially, when you go in...

I mean, it is more like... You don't think it's the fire drill? No. Oh, OK. It feels more like a Jules Verne Journey to the Centre of the Earth type drill, doesn't it? It does, doesn't it? Yeah, well, the army's sat, Munson. You want?

Carry on. It's like, it's more like going to Madame Tussauds or Ripley's Believe It or Not. It's a tourist experience, essentially. Well, I assume that's why when you walk into the foyer on a loop on a big TV screen, they show the entire production. No. They're playing it. You see the mask being

ripped off. Spoiler alert. You see the chandelier crashing down. Yes, they show it. Oh, I don't like the sound of that. I'm glad they didn't do that with Broadchurch. Put it all in a trailer right before the show. Lots of Italian and Spanish people, a lot of Germans.

A lot of people saying, can you take four doubles? Oh, okay. It's European, it's okay. Can I ask you a question? Yes. Why did you go? Well, a friend of mine might be involved in a project to do with it being

on television. I can't say a lot about it. No, no, I understand. But it might be written. But what we're hearing is comp ticket. That's what I'm hearing. A sort of spin-off. A phantom spin-off. Can't even say that. Well, it would be more interesting than that. Casper, friendly ghost?

No. If it's nothing like the musical, it will be great. Because that is some terrible stuff. Well, it's not a musical. I would say it is an opera. It's a light opera. Because there's no speaking in it, if I remember rightly. Everything is song.

No. There's no speaking at all. But what's extraordinary about it is that people just take photos throughout the whole thing. I mean, we got in trouble. We started laughing so badly that there were tears rolling down our faces. Wow. And we got in trouble. There was a man in front of us.

I think he might have been Swedish. I mean, they were all there. And he got very angry and he kept tutting. And then he was taking a photo of the chandelier. To be honest, I'm pretty angry. I've seen a few audiences that could do with some real laughers for recent weeks. And now suddenly Phantom of the Opera

have got people crying with laughter. Have you two not seen it? No, but this reminds me of... Sorry, but back to Jenny Bevan. Yes. One of the reasons, presumably, she doesn't dress in high fashion is because she works in... She's in clothes.

Clothes are her thing. And she likes to... Like, people in chocolate factories don't eat chocolate. Whereas I don't know about you, but I pursue laughter throughout my whole life. Yeah. So I... You would my whole life. Yeah. You would have enjoyed it. Even if I was the Phantom of the Opera,

if I saw you two having a really good laugh, there'd be something uplifting about it. The prosthetics! I might just move the mask enough for a slight wink. The quality of the prosthetics. We'll leave it there. I'll come back to the quality of the prosthetics. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank the prosthetics. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking about how I went to see Phantom of the Opera and it was atrocious. In your opinion? In my opinion, of course. Everything is in my opinion. Sky Blue Matt has tweeted me to say, taking my mum to Phantom for her 70th... I've got all of those by my title.

Taking my mum to Phantom for her 70th. Really looking forward to it now. Cheers, Em. Of course, I haven't thought of that. So there are still people going. You forget that. Still people going. It was a full house, darling.

Where was it? Full house, dear. Is it still in the West End? Yeah, it's at Her Majesty's. Oh, OK. It looked very busy. Yeah. Well, it didn't look busy when I arrived.

I was standing, waiting for my friend by the refreshment kiosk. Hmm. And the lady said, there was no one there at that point, absolutely no one, I was the only one. There was just me, this woman, a man with glasses on a lanyard at the box office. Great. And Phantom running on a loop on a telly.

And she said, excuse me, could you move? I said, beg your pardon? She said, could you move, because people will need access to the refreshment kiosk. I said, no, I'm fine here. Oh, dear. My stomach has knotted off at the thought of it. Stand off.

See, I would have said, well, when someone comes, I'll move immediately. No, I said, said no i'm fine here much more authority you see yes i know land a gentry and also a slight suggestion even if people turn up in their droves you're staying put well no then i said she said no i need you to move oh dear i said what so all these people can have access and i gestured expansively with my hand, Frank, to the empty area. Excellent. So then I had, I did move grudgingly. It's all gone a bit

Derek Cora. But then I had the standoff, both of us. She willing hordes of people to arrive. Me desperate for nobody to arrive. Very tense. You must have known you was on a loser as you were at plans for the opera. I know.

So I waited five minutes. It was empty. I went, ah. Ah. Kept looking over with satisfaction. Oh, God. I know you would as well. And then four Germans in leather jackets arrived and ruined everything.

Well, that's a sentence I've read in many novels. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute in many novels. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tim Key's in the building. You haven't even trailed him. We should say that, as you know, we used to have guests every week on this show and then I went off it.

And then you've got to be very close to my heart to become a guest on this show. I've said we make an exception for exceptional people, which Tim Key is one. The exceptional people I wouldn't have on. Like who? Well, I can't name them, can I? Well, you can.

What about Dustin Lance Black? I wouldn't have him on. Really? Yeah, I find him slightly frightening now that he's going to be at me about stuff, picking me up on things. Also, he looks a bit like Malfoy, which I think would unnerve me. What's he got to say to me, DLB? I'm sure he'd have a lot to say to you.

Well, this trailing of Tim Key seems to have become a conversation about Dustin Lyne's flag. So Tim Key is in a very elite group with Neil Gaiman, David Baddiel and Moana Banks. He's become a guest after we've stopped having guests. So he will be on late. Tim Key. That's exciting. Can I just say to any...

Poet, actor, comedian. Renaissance man extraordinaire. Can I just say, I don't want anyone else getting ideas about coming on this show. That's all right. I think just say, I don't want anyone else getting ideas about coming on this show. That's all right. I think people stopped having ideas years ago. That's why we get jukebox musicals and Mad Max being revived.

Indeed. And funnily enough, there's been a brouhaha this week about Mary Berry, TV cook, baker. She loves a brouhaha. They do at their age. She has also ran out of ideas, arguably, because she made pasta bake on the telly. Like, pasta and bacon and a jar of pesto. And people were going, how's that cooking?

That's great. I like brouhaha. She bought some pesto and boiled some pasta. God, you see what, they've done all the complicated stuff now. That's great. I like Brouhaha. She bought some pesto and boiled some pasta. God, you see what, they've done all the complicated stuff now. That's it. Like, you know, Heston. But I respect that. My mum's drunk friend once, I remember when we were children,

put a pineapple on the dining table and said pudding. Brilliant. She was Australian. Fair enough. Just a big knife or did you have to go at it with your hands? No, she didn't even give us a knife. We had to get ourselves. It's a complicated fruit to eat just without any utensils, isn't it?

They have a saying in Australia as well. It's, don't give me the spiky end of the pineapple, which means, you know, don't give me the... Is that right? Yeah, the rubbish part of this deal. They are some good sayings, the Aussies. That's the great thing about having spare time. You can think things up.

This is good. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, we have a guest. This is what they do on Steve Wright in the Afternoon. They say, Tim Key's in the house. And we have to go, woo!

Welcome to the show! We're a posse for the first time. But Key in the house sounds a bit like something that a crime prevention officer would be telling you about. Have I been introduced yet? Oh yes, he has. Sorry, I'm not used to it. This is as conventional as it gets, Tim. I'm not used to having guests here.

Well, you could just riff about the word key for five minutes. If I'm a useful jumping off point. Oh, that's it. It's good of you to give yourself up like that. But no, we'd love to hear from you. Tim, why are you here, for goodness sake? I'm plugging a documentary about a Russian absurdist from the 1920s. Absolute radio. Coming up with some tunes.

Where Russian absurdism matters. Yes, and it's Radio 4. Let's get the... When is it on? Let's get it out of the way. No, not let's get it out of the way. But I'd like to get the business end of it out of the way. Wednesday at 11.30am.

OK. Yeah. Oh, is it in the morning? That'll be the... Oh, yeah, it's pretty dry. That'll be the... That'll be the... Well, don't put yourself down, Tim.

No, don't. It's meant to be dry. Oh, is it? OK, OK. OK. So, tell me more. Have you got any questions about the Russian absurdist? Yes.

Yes. Okay. Can't we ease in gently? I was going to ask about Alan Partridge and Alpha Pap. No, I want to go straight to Russian Absurdist. I want to go straight to Carms. Okay. So he's called, now how's this for pronunciation? Daniel Carms.

Not very good. Oh. Daniel Harms. Harms, yeah. Do you know Daniel Harms? No, but thanks for the tip. No, he does. He changed his name.

He was born Daniel Yugachov, but he changed his name to Harms. Too Russian, did he think? Well, he had an obsession with Sherlock Holmes. Yes, I read this about him. Have you read up about it? Yeah. Thank you. That's OK.

Is that good, too? No, but it's people like you who read up about it that stops people from listening to the documents that think I've already read up about it. Thanks for the criticism. Doing your homework. Now, so tell us a bit about Daniel Hahn. Well, he wrote in the 1920s and 30s,

and he wrote sort of short, quite absurd bits and pieces. Then he got... There was things like Stalin happening. Yes. And Stalin, he got arrested and was things like Stalin happening. Yes. And Stalin, he got arrested and went and got sent to, into exile and then he couldn't write anymore so he had to write just children's stuff. And he

wrote on the side just for his friends and then that stuff is now being published. Okay. Do you want to hear a sample? Yeah, I would like to, yeah. So what year would this be from, sort of? So this one is in the 30s So he was sort of poverty stricken at this time And just sort of plugging away, really

And this is the sort of thing he was writing I sense you're identifying with this, Tim I identify with him a lot He's been in a Hollywood movie, Frank I know that, but you know So was Daniel Lance Black Oh, I heard your stuff So was Daniel Lance Black. Oh, I heard your stuff about him.

Dustin Lance Black. Oh, yeah. I'm on about his brother was in a Hollywood movie. Ah, Dan. I heard him talking about Ah, Dan on the news. Sorry, Tim. So here we go. So this is a piece. Read your little Russian thing.

Talk about your little documentary. So this is a story called The Plummeting Old Women. A certain old woman, out of excessive curiosity, fell out of a window, plummeted to the ground and was smashed to pieces. Another old woman leaned out of the window and began looking at the remains of the first one, but she also, out of excessive curiosity, fell out of the window, plummeted to the ground and was smashed to pieces.

Then a third old woman plummeted from the window, then a fourth, then a fifth. And that's not an extract. That's his story, yeah. That's how the documentary starts. I don't know if we should have led into this from Mary Berry. But, um, it's, um... I really like it. It's very... I really love it.

Can I say, it's quite Tim Key. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can. Okay. I mean, were you influenced by him? Well, I don't know. I can't work out whether I was or not. When did you discover Yeah. You can. Okay. I mean, were you influenced by Royce? Well, I don't know.

I can't work out whether I was or not. When did you discover? In the documentary, say. In the documentary, I make it clear that I wasn't influenced, but I think I was a little bit. Yeah, I wouldn't worry too much about his estate. No. Very litigious. Our lawyers are watching News of the World.

Somebody's probably still driving his estate in Russia. The way things are. Yeah. Muse of the world. Somebody's probably still driving his estate in Russia. The way things are. So I should say that you are... I was once in Cologne with Tim and we were trying to find the cathedral and in order to find it, because our German was poor, Tim spotted a Russian woman on the underground and spoke to her in fluent Russian.

Oh, did he? Which was very impressive he is impressive isn't he i mean russian poets radio 4 it's all so impressive isn't it i think they probably spoke english didn't they yeah they're probably looking back on it but it was pretty blank when i was using my russian it was they were english they've got you they've got ladies united shirts on i spoke a lot of of Russian to them and then whispered, where's the cathedral? Are you multilingual then, Tim?

No, not really. I speak a little bit of Russian. Oh, lovely. I can get by. You did a degree in Russian, Tim. Don't be modest. Oh, yeah. You don't want me to be modest?

No. No, OK. I got a first-class degree in Russian. There you go. Wow. Oh, he's clever. Come on. I think we're going to go into the advert tonight

because I'd like people to have time to chew it over. Absolute... Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tim Key in the house. Tim Key is here. Now, Tim, before we go any further, I think you gave us the wrong date for your...

Yeah, I wanted to update you on that, actually. Yeah. So the documentary's on Radio 4. What is it called? It's called Tim Key Delves Into Daniel Harms you on that, actually. Yeah. So the documentary's on Radio 4. What is it called? It's called Tim Key Delves Into Daniel Harms, and that's all. OK. And it's 11.30am.

11.30am. And I got all of that right. Yeah. Yeah. But it's Thursday. OK. Just one day out. Thursday the, what would that be?

The 11th? 10th. 10th. 10th. My dad's birthday. Oh, really? 11th. Lovely.

It's the best present of all. Oh, that would be a helpful way for us to remember. Yeahth. 10th. My dad's birthday. Oh really? Lovely. That would be a helpful way for us to remember. Yeah. Thanks Tim. It would be a nice way to remember his birthday. I didn't know Tim that you'd won the European Radio's Pre Italia. Yeah I did actually. Tell us about that.

Well I mean you've told us about it. My last documentary which was about Nikolai Gogol, his story... Another Russian. Another Russian. It's all about the Russians. All about the Russians, yeah. He wrote a book called The Overcoat, and I made a powerful documentary about Gogol and The Overcoat.

And actually, what was quite clever was the documentary started to ape the story of the overcoat. So it was actually quite cleverly done. And I think that was what, in the end, got the old award. That was also during the daytime, wasn't it? Because I heard some of that. Did you? Yeah, I heard it. Her summer vet isn't great.

It's all right if it's the last bit. If it's the first bit, it's not great. How did the first four minutes of that? Contrary to popular opinion, I've got appointments. No, I did hear the end of it. I think, you know, you get in the car and the radio's on. Alan would have had a martial arts class. Yeah.

Exactly. Did you hear it, Frank? No. It was sort of... No, I don't think I've heard it. It was sort of here. It was about four years ago. Yeah.

Yeah. Clashed with Broadchurch, probably. Is it... It must be coming up to the moment to listen to it. Exactly. I'll be reviewing it on here in a couple of weeks' time. I didn't hear it, Tim, but I do enjoy your work on Midmorning Matters.

Oh, thank you. Are you both familiar with this? Yeah. Of course. Thank you. I've had real flashbacks since he put his headphones on I know, he's like the most famous radio psychic ever Yes, he's the same

I know, whenever I go on the radio, there is people, there's a chill in the air where people think, oh God, I think I must be Alan Partridge Yeah, he's going to be comparing and all that sort of stuff Yeah Yeah, so Timmy's in the, would we call it the new Alan Partridge vehicle? Well, you had a hiatus before you, so you can watch the first series now. All right, all right. Are you worried, Tim?

People are saying a new Cold War is coming about. If that happens, work's going to dry up for you, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose it is. Or maybe people will be more enthused to... Well, I miss the Cold War. Do you? I grew up with constant conversation about will they press the button, and I found it, you know, kept me on my toes.

Extraordinary. Political take on things. What else are you up to, Tim, apart from... What am I up to? Oh, I'm writing a sitcom with a guy called Tom Basden. Oh, yes. Yeah, he's got a sitcom commissioned um called foreign bodies which is about people sort of it's like fresh meat but around the world they're on a gap year russia

uh china thailand vietnam and it's gap year is it so not like 41 year old actors from the north of england none of that stuff in there there's there's one 40 year old guy who's like a bit older than all the people he's traveling with he He sounds great. Yeah. He sounds absolutely... He sounds tall. Tim's probably got that part. Well, it's written for me, so it's mine to lose. Oh, yet again, you get the part that I could have done. The secret.

What was it again? Tree? Partridge? I mean, it's all there, isn't it? Yeah. Add it up. You're really into Russian absurdism as well, aren't you? Really into it.

I mean, not that into it, that'd be weird, but, you know, not as into it as Tim is, but nearly. Shall I read this really small one going into your next thing? Yeah, that'd be good, and then we'll play we'll play Oprising by Muse, which has got a sort of Russian feel to it. Oh, I think that might dovetail rather

well. Okay. This one's called... Can you just hold your hand up when you've finished it so I don't crash you? Yeah, sure. One day, Orlov stuffed himself with mashed peas and died. And Krilov, on finding out about this, also died. And Spiridonov died on his own accord. And Spiridonov's wife

fell off the sideboard and also died. And Spiridonov's children drowned in the pond. And Spiridonov's grandmother hit the bottle and took to the road. And Mikhailovich stopped combing his hair and went down with mange. And Kruglov sketched a woman with a whip in her hands and went out of his mind. And Perechrestov received 400 roubles by wire

and put on such airs that he got chucked out of work. They are all good people, but they can't keep their feet firmly on the ground. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking to Tim Key Mainly about Daniel Harms

Oh much better You could afford to speed it up a little bit But otherwise that was good pronunciation I'm killing time I'll be pronouncing all the English names slowly as well have you ever heard of mikhail um taraverdiev oh very good no i haven't who's he he um somebody sent me i get sent cds on this show they sent me these three cds of the film music he composed in the 40s oh good it's amazing oh i'd like to hear anyone listening please listening, please go and buy it. I thought they sent those to Nick Grimshaw.

No, no. I couldn't really play it on here. It's a bit too 1940s film music. I could put it on my documentary. Excellente. Might dovetail upon that. It's a bit late now. It's going out Thursday. I know, but we finished recording it on Wednesday.

What? Yeah, it's really quick to announce. They're editing it at the moment. Really? You're pants, Tim. Well, I'd recommend Taraverdiev's. Oh, yeah. Well, I thought you were going to say I'd recommend

just giving yourself a bit more time to edit things. I would, you know, as an old estate in the comedy world. Because your documentary won't be very good, mate. Oh, dear. So, what do you hope will be the upshot of this? Are you hoping that people are going to race out and buy lots of hums? Oh, really? Yeah, I really am. It is amazing stuff.

And it's quite... I don't know, if someone sort of told me that something's really funny from the olden days, I'd sort of go, well, yeah, and then you sort of have to justify it and say, yeah, but it was written in that time. But his stuff is laugh-out-loud funny, like I've never really read anything for a long, long time. So I do feel that there is, like, it could sort of... If it was published, it could be something

that people might be interested in. But I don't know how much traction a Radio 4 documentary has. I might have to make it a BBC 4 documentary or a film. Well, in the age of the radio I play, I think a lot of people... I mean, this, you know, we get a lot of listeners. Tim, this could double your... Income.

Yeah. Exactly. And we do some topics which are a bit unusual. Do we? We did. Our text in today, do you know what it was, Frank? I can't remember. What age do sheep die?

I heard you talking about Phantom earlier. So it's a broad... Have you seen Broadchurch? Have you seen Phantom? I was very late to Broadchurch. I saw it about two years ago. On the plane. I've seen you as an early adopter.

So have you got acting stuff coming up, Tim? Because you do it all. You do all the stuff. I'm in the Partridge thing, but... That's on at the moment, and I'm watching it. That's on at the moment, yeah. I don't know, he keeps up asking me about stuff coming up, and it's making me more and more sad.

I wanted to focus on this documentary. I'll tell you what we was. We thought, me and... Do you just think I've got more potential? Well, Alan and I, I was going to... We'll have that talk after i was i hate it when he has that talk with people it's all no alan and i were saying that you're a man who's always got a new idea on the go like i didn't say it and i was a naysayer em singer. I think that it was hard to hear because Emily was just going... For ages. And it was really embarrassing.

Now, can I say, if you've never seen Tim Key live, he's, I'd say, one of the funniest men in the world. He's quite brilliant. Well, I said quite, Tim. Yes, I know, I got that. I saw your counter-argument. You're right, Tim. Yes, no, I got that.

I saw your counter-argument. So, on Thursday, this coming Thursday, the 10th, at 11.30 on BBC Radio 4, Tim Key delves into Daniel Cahan. Yeah. Actually, when I was temping and I finished my job and they sent an email around and they called me Kim Key. And I'd been there for about six months. Did I just call you Kim Key? Well, you were on the verge of it. It brought back memories, let's put it that way. I think I was just, as we spoke of travel, I thought about my time in Korea.

I was thinking about Kim Chi. Your eyes did glaze over a bit. Yeah, I was a particularly hot one, I was thinking of. But thank you so much for coming in, Tim. Thanks for having me. I know you don't usually have guests. No, but we liked you coming in. Because we like you. Well, I'll pop in again soon.

We'll come for breakfast. Come on. Oh, are you going for breakfast? Do you want to come for brunch? Yeah, do you want to come? Oh, just a bit. Okay, great. That's absolutely.

Lovely. Lovely. This is all on the radio, don't you guys? Oh, sorry. I thought we finished. Oh, God. Thank God I didn't give the end of Broadchurch away. So, anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning.

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.