The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Brusque Lightyear

Episode Date: July 6, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to see Toy Story 4 and has a new obscure crush. The team also discuss Andy Murray's breakdancing and songs that make you laugh.

Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back on stage with his first stand-up show in four years. I think a man of my age saying my girlfriend is sort of on a level with a man of my age saying my skateboard. Live in London this June at the Edinburgh Festival in August and touring across the country this autumn. It's what I would call an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny. Book tickets now at frankskinnerlive.com This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This suggests I'm about to read something out. What do you think? I think you've got in your hand a letter.

Yeah, I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler. How was he? It was awkward, actually. I think it was awkward. Was it hashtag awkward? It's a hard man to relax around. Anyway.

What, even when he's with his dog? Yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Oh, go on. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the radio.

You know at, you know, a cumberland sausage symbol. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There you have it. Good stuff. We're just swapping our beverages. That's okay. Jack had jills. Is that like That's okay. Jack had Jill's. Is that like sharing a knee bob?

Jack had Jill's. It was just the wrong way round, but it's all fine now. It is. We've bounced back, haven't we? What happened to... Which is more unsafe for Jack and Jill. True. We don't know what happened to them. We know about there was an unplanned descent.

Yeah. Oh, Frank. I've just seen on our Twitter the boss of Absolute went to see. Yeah. Oh, Frank. I've just seen on our Twitter the boss of Absolute went to see your show. Oh, yes, I did. He absolutely loved it, appropriately enough. It's a masterclass from the best in the business. Wow.

You are good. Sorry, Al. That's all right. Shouldn't have said that, should he, when you're on the same show. Also, what's Manfred going to say? He's on Sundays. He's only a can of worms there at the bar.

You know what I like? It's the way Frank makes it sound like you all work down the mines. He's on Sundays, Manford. We're all stable, mates, aren't we? Indeed. We got Ford on the... Yeah, you got Ford on the Saturdays. There's stand-ups all over the place on Absolute Radio.

Yeah, yeah. Beckett's not here anymore. Someone said, well, no-one with me of this meddlesome breeze. Exactly, and he's gone. Beckett's not here anymore. We're the sort of thing they must have said at the National Theatre. So, what? Have we had any outside world news

before I start wittering on about me, me, me? You know, I do a Friday night trawl. I looked through the emails that arrive on a Friday night. Here's one. Frank Allen and the Divine Miss M. You said arrive. I did say arrive. Is that a Yorkshire thing? No, it was just me messing about. Oh, I thought that might be a re...

Did that arrive on time, Davos? is just me messing about. Oh, I thought that might be a re... The re... Monta... Davos. Was it a sort of... What was that thing on that darts programme? Coming up after break. Lasses Arras.

Yeah. Which was the ladies' darts. There was... Yeah, that was Freddie Truman hosting... Something shot? No, it was called Indoor League.

Indoor League. Now then, there was an American playing darts, American guy called, well, I'll tell you, I'll come in the intro. Okay. And his pawn was, will Conrad Daniels yank himself back into the lead?

Let's find out. Is yank acceptable? I think so. Can you still say that? Yeah, I think so. Hold on. Absolutely. Yeah, check the AFR book.

Oh, no, it looks all right. It looks all right. It's fine, isn't it? It's all right. I wouldn't. Don't read any of the stuff that isn't. No. Good.

So here's the email. Frank Allen and the Divine Miss M, long-term reader who looks forward to the podcast dropping into my phone every Saturday afternoon. Any further praise redacted? Good. This evening I'm watching an old episode of Taskmaster from series one. Brackets the best series. Well, hold on, they're all the series? The best series by a country mile thanks to the presence of Frank. So the prayer's not fully redacted. No, I sneaked in that one. To my amazement. Like when you get one of those,

sometimes I'm putting a pair of trousers on and I see a laundry ticket, safety pin, I've been wearing them for like three days, just tucked away in there. That's how this praise is working. It's also a little bit stray chive in an omelette.

They sneak in, Frank. Stray chive in an omelette. Anyway, carry on. How are you doing? To my amazement, in episode two, Frank is wearing a beautiful green, blue and gold striped tie,

which I also own. What? It's my favourite tie. M&S, I believe. And I often wear it to important meetings. My favourite tie, there must be a website called that. I've also been a huge fan of Frank since reading his autobiography in my teens but this is the first time that I feel we have something in common and I couldn't help but feel very happy about this. There's a definite tie between us. Well,

one thing you have to do on that show is wear the same clothes every week so they can move stuff about. Oh, do you? It turned out I had a grey suit. I had it twice. The same grey suit. Bit of a mix-up. So I had to go for the grey suit because I had it twice the same grey suit bit of a mix up

so I had to go for the grey suit because I mean that would have been crazy not to and then I found out that if you weren't able to double up like that, they bought you two suits I'd already told them I'd got two

the same, do you know I still lie awake thinking about that you know when you've missed out on something oh my horrible Frank can I just tell you one of our readers has sent in something which I feel is too good not to share which is it's Amy Foster

who says following on from the Spider-Man Spider-Eyehole Spider-Eyelids discussion last week, there's an article regarding spiders having paws, which I thought might be of interest. It reminded me a bit of your bedbug beak revelation. Enjoy. Oh, bedbug beak. And there really is quite an extraordinary story here

about these adorable paws the spider has but is it not every spider no i believe the spiders all have them if you if you've got a big enough microscope you'd find a lovely little furry soft paw absolutely lovely what did we think that they had before that just sort of stumps like their legs ended i thought they were horrible spindly needle legs. Feet? Did we think they had hands? Points on the end. Well, they climb walls. It's soccers or points.

Them's your choices. It's not visible to the human eye, so we'd have to get the microscopes out. I'm still using the human eye. I must say I've become very dependent on the human eye for vision. You need to get your microscope to help. OK. It was a metabloke who was...

I say metabloke, he was in the front row at my gig. That was the only people I meet now. Yeah, you're rinsing the front row. And he worked at... What's the eye hospital called? Famous eye hospital. Moorfield. Yeah, he worked there, yeah.

Oh, eyes make me sick. Oh. Yeah. Always have done. And he was the... Yeah, this was... He was an anaesthetist. It's easy for you to say.

Yeah. Which gave me a chance to say, oh, it's not often I get to talk to an anaesthetist. Well, not for very often. Not for very long. But I'll never use that again don't know about that what's the chance

of anaesthetist never say never yeah I am the anaesthetist that's my bill matter what about that Frank Skinner the anaesthetist

it's a sort of downplaying thing yeah have we got more out of the world or do you want to hear about my life

oh yes I would. Both can be true I think. Could I do a quick thank you as well to my colleagues? Sure. Just to say thank you for my pre-birthday presents. Oh I said sure there as if you were going to thank a member of the public and now I realise

I was like sure yeah thank you. Well I mean they're free to send them in. I haven't seen a sweatshirt. Don't interrupt. Sorry. Je m'appelle Fabulous. Thank you very much. Nice. A blanket.

Can I ask you a question? Yes, sure. It's fabulous. Does that feature in the French language as a word? Could it possibly be je m'appelle Fabulous? Fabulous. Yes, I believe you're right. There probably is.

It's accented or something. Yeah, I wonder if it if it is fabulous like we say anyway there's only

French speakers oh yeah so also if there's only French speakers at 12.15 call me do they

do the French pronounce it fabulous or something like that or is it just fabulous or does it not even exist in their language I'm pretty sure it exists. Can I just say what presents

I got and then I got a pink blanket with Divine Miss M on it then I got a phone case with a picture of my dog Ray finally I got a Doctor Who figurine from Frank Skinner

of the Pirate Captain Bruce Purchase? He's an old family friend of ours, which is a lovely memento to remember him. Not everyone has got an action figure of an old family friend. I mean, it's fairly unusual. Niche.

Niche. It's a brilliant Doctor Who episode. And the pirate captain... I think that's really brilliant Doctor Who episode. And the pirate captain. I think that's really why you got it. Something I'll never find out. No, but we spoke of it. And when I found out that Emily knew Bruce Purchase,

you could have knocked me down with Rick Waller. It was like... On the end of some sort of horse. It was like I said I was friends with Daniel Craig yeah oh god it was better than that

yeah brilliant but yeah it's a perhaps we should send a picture of Emily with the Bruce

purchase action figure when I say send a picture I mean like you know Instagram it is really

grammable Instagram how about that I mean I'd say it's really grammable Instagram How about that I mean I'd say it's quite specialist interest on the ground but you know what that's why I love it

We can hashtag that We can hashtag it specialist interest Yeah Is that a good idea Yeah Debra Hockey has been in touch

to confirm Fabuleuse with an X at the end. Ah, yes. It's got an X, isn't that? Fabuleux. Fabuleux. I thought an X was out. It's like a Michelle Thomas. Except with Michelle

Thomas, who I've listened to all his French. He says, Cheve, I'm on my way. But also, he's got the dentures that don't quite fit. So you get a lot of that going on. I had a dog that used to do that. He'd be sitting watching the telly. Dog got dentures.

Well, he just did that a lot. So if there was a quiet bit, he'd hear. Oh, shut up. How can you stop him doing that? Well, he just did that a lot. So he'd sit, and if there was a quiet bit, he'd hear... And he used to say, oh, shut up. Can you stop him doing that? Yeah, true. Obviously, not in elastic bands, but I felt that was wrong. That's so cruel, Frank. I didn't do it.

It's speculation. I had a letter from Darren Garnham. Darren, who spells his name with two A's. Oh, yeah. Not an E, not an E-N. Really? E-N, but I had never seen that before. Sounds like a typewriter.

And Darren Garnham sent me a present for my seven-year-old child. And it's a, well, I'll give you a clue. See if you can... Shut your eyes. Radio clue. Okay. Radio clue. Here goes. Greetings. I am Buzz Lightyear,

Space Ranger, Universe Protection Unit. Erm... Who do you think? What do you think it is? Is it a... Is it a sort of a stretchy version of Bruce Grobbelaar from... No, I'm just guessing. No, it is a...

It's Buzz Lightyear. It's a Bruce... Yeah, a Bruce Lightyear. Bruce Lee. It's a Buzz Lightyear. Actually, Bruce Lightyear would be quite... That would be quite... Or Bruce-k Lightyear.

It's very off with people. Yeah. Rusk-like ears. Very off with people. Yeah. So, it turns out, and to be fair to Darren, he says, I am not, and I am not is in block capitals. Yeah.

All right. I mean, I'll find it out. I'll turn my headphones down. I'm not expecting any promotion of anything else from this letter and package. Okay. Well, thanks. But he's a Tottenham fan fan and my son is a Tottenham fan. And also, get this, I

don't quite understand what this means, but Darren's job is making Star Wars. Oh, not Star Wars. Toy Story toys. Right. What does that mean, making them? What do you mean? Assembling?

Does he mean he's on a line? Is he standing on a Yeah, presumably. You know, is there a conveyor belt? And he puts one piece on, like when they used to make cars in the 70s. I think there's mainly a lot of robots involved in that now,

but he might be involved in the manufacture of it in some way. I mean, he might. It'd be interesting to know. Duran. Anyway, he's a Tottenham fan. He sent one. Do you remember Mauricio Pochettino? Yes.

Who wrote an autograph of my son that says, my best friend is you. I'd forgotten that part. Yeah. I love that. Well, he sent him. Because he's a Tottenham fan he sent him one he's got a picture of Pochettino

with with Boz Lightyear on his desk and he says it's my secret weapon is what Pochettino says so that was a result for a Tottenham fan so anyway thank you Darren my son who's called Boz in case anyone's

wondering what the connection was, he'll love it, absolutely love it. But it does take me into that we went to see Toy Story 4 this week. Have you caught it yet? I haven't, Matt. No, I haven't. I'm excited, though. Two was the last time I checked in, love.

Before we go any further, can I just... I don't want to do spoilers, but obviously there's baddies in every one, and the baddies include a group of, I think it's four ventriloquist dummies, who are always a bit sinister. But these ventriloquist dummies who were always a bit sinister. But these ventriloquist dummies, they're moving about on their own,

you know, of their own volition. They could not look more like Jimmy Carr if they had been based on him. I mean, I don't mean a little. I mean, as soon as they came on screen, I thought, is that legal? I mean, as soon as they came on screen, I thought, is that legal to do? I mean, it is just, it's a fleet of cars, basically. I can't wait to see.

I mean, it must be on the internet. Really? You think it's a meme already? I mean, I don't mean a bit like Jimmy Carr, but I mean, I wondered if it could possibly be Jimmy Carr. Wow. I mean, I wondered if it could possibly be Jimmy Carr. Wow. I mean, incredible. But if you've seen that, if you've seen the film, I'm sure you'll know

what I mean. But I'll come back. There's more. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were talking about Toy Story. Indeed. Buzz Lightyear. Can I ask, who's your favourite ever Toy Story character?

Oh, I'd be really route one and go for Buzz Lightyear, or would I? Yeah, I'd have to go. I mean, I feel an obligation to go for Buzz. You've got to go Buzz. Do you know, I have this weird thing. I'm lots of Huggins, Bear. Best villain ever created. Best villain ever.

Love that bear. I'll tell you what the villain I didn't like in Toy Story. You know, the boy next door who used to break toys and put their heads up. That was disgusting. Disgusting. I really... That nearly put bars off Toy Story films forever. It was really something very dark and awful about it.

Right. I, you know, I occasionally get, I don't get crushes anymore at my age on people, but I do tend to get them on inanimate objects. Oh, yeah. Or, you know, fictional beings. It's a thing. Well, I'll tell you who these we have loved, Frank.

I always keep a note of your crushes, just FYI. Right. There was the man in the social network, Jesse... Oh, yes, Jesse Eisenberg. Yeah, you had a lovely feeling for him. That's a good one to bring up. It's Pride weekend, ladies and gentlemen. We should all explore what's in there,

in the back rooms of our consciousness. You think. And I liked Ray from Star Wars, but not the human being, the Lego version. I mean, I like the human being, but I mean, there was something very tantalising about the life-size Lego one in Hanley's. I also like the tiger from Kung Fu Panda, if you remember.

I do remember that. Cheers. But Bo Peep in this new film is... Somehow. Yeah. Really? Next level? Yeah, exactly.

I mean, really. Next level cartoon crush. I think it's partly... She looks great, but also... You can sound like she's on Love Island. She is for me, I think it's partly she looks great but also, you know, I think it's so like she's on Love Island. What she is for me, I think.

If I did Love Island it would be me and some Lego. If you did Love Island I think that would be the best moment of my life. Can you imagine

Frank walking into the villa and coming up here he is, Frank, by the pool. He'd keep his suit. He'd have like a Doctor Who hoodie on.

Standing in the heat, sweating. Oh, but what if I took my top off on there? It'd be so awful. Oh, man. It'd be like Ben Kingsley in Gandhi. But I think we both people, so it's a biblical occupation, the shepherdess. Oh, yes, that's true.

Can you still call them shepherdesses? If there's any people in on the PC thing, do we just... You can't check. Is it like actors and actresses? You've not got that in the A5 booklet. You know what? I actually looked in the break and there's no Shepherdess.

It's not foolproof, the book. I'm having a look at her and she seems to have two looks, Bo Peep. There's a Scarlet O'Hara Gone With The Wind vibe and then a sort of slightly funky Jean vibe. Well, in the new one, she basically casts the outer skirt to one side and she operates in pantaloons. bit of a jumpsuit vibe i know it's uh you know there's there's uh but like i said it's not um some people get bo peep mixed up with mary had you know it's not they're not pets bo peeps i mean they're you know she's a

working woman they're colleagues i'm glad you defended her. Yeah. Mary had a little lamb. That's just, you know, that's a pet she's got. She's not working with it. But yeah, so she does, you know, those sort of frilled pantaloons that they wear under, like, crinolines. She operates in those.

Very, it's an unusual move. She carries it off. She's slightly androgynous. I'd say that Bo Peep from Toy Story 4 has something of Donatello's David. Really? That's what all the critics

are saying. Sorry to just churn out that old one. She's tantalising, bad creep. Frank, can I ask, if Mary had, I take your point, that was a pet-based interaction, where does little Miss Smuffet stand? With the spider.

Yes. I mean, is that more of a friends with benefit arrangement? Well, I don't think... I think she... But it's paws, climbing it, putting its filthy paws all over her. I mean, it's an assault, isn't it? She's just sitting eating and then the spider appears. She doesn't own the spider. Can anyone own a spider?

Well, it's an interesting philosophical debate. I would say not. Well, I don't know. I would like to now. Now I've seen the pause well yeah let's not do a pause for thought oh go on

now you should I won't do it I will not but yeah it's I would say do you remember

I finally know we could play Paul McCartney and Wings with Mary Had a Little Lamb you know they had a top ten chart with Mary Had a Little Lamb. You know they had a top ten chart with Mary Had a Little Lamb. I didn't know that.

Yeah. Mary had a little lamb. It was it. It wasn't a variation. It was it. They sang it. They sang that and it got in the charts. Different times, ladies and gentlemen.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. There I am. I've looked up I'm at Toy Story 4 Balls come into the box And So we went to one of these Lovely

Everyman cinemas You know these Oh yes Called Everyman But the opposite Of that Because they're quite expensive And you get like a sofa

to yourself and they come and bring your food to your seat, you know those kind of cinemas? Oh it's lovely you feel like you're friends a generous friend. Well it's great if you've got a char with you because they like to have a little chat during the film if you know what I mean

Why is he doing that? What's that mean? Exactly But in the film, if you know what I mean. Why is he doing that? What's that mean? Yeah, exactly. You know how they do the question. But we had a massive, the biggest box that they had of sweet popcorn to share. Okay. And then we're waiting for the film. So I reach for the,

and suddenly my wrist is taking a voice like grip. And Buzz says that we can't eat it till the film starts. No one ever told me that as a rule. Oh, I finished it before the film starts normally. Yeah, well, I'm well in by the time the film starts. I mean, I find it the most... Once you get into the rhythm of box to mouth, box to mouth, I mean, it just never stops.

You know those birds that you can get that sort of keep drinking? They've got like a weight on them. Anyway, it reminded me, I went with my brother-in-law, Jack, to Avengers Endgame. Oh, yeah. And I got the old...

Sorry about that. Gets to see a lot of stuff, doesn't he? He loves the cinema. He's got to be out and about while I still can. Before I need the ramp. So I got a big box of popcorn. I think Jack paid, to be fair. I ordered.

I like that you think that's some sort of contribution. Well done you. I was just reaching for it. Generosity. I'll tell you why he needed my help because we sat down and I reached across and he said,

you know what, I've never had popcorn in a cinema before. And of course, I then had to sit thinking, well, why would that be? There's only one reason, isn't it? Because he's a massive film

buff and obviously the noise of popcorn so luckily it was um it was avengers endgame and not 84 charring crossroad so there was some noisy bits you know where i could so i only air on the action scenes. But it was, I got very tense about it. It did make me think, why on earth did they choose that as the default cinema snack when it's one of the loudest? And messiest. It's such a work thing for the people that have to tidy up after that film. Yeah, they need a machine as well.

It's ridiculous. Hang on a second. They need a machine. I don't agree. Firstly, infinitely preferable to chocolate, I would say. The amount of stains you're going to get. No, please let me speak. Hey, come on, guys.

We're all friends here. Imagine if we fell out. Frank, also, I would say I don't experience the noise so much with the popcorn. Do you really? Can you hear people eating it? Oh, yeah, definitely. Really, the chomping. I have that thing where, you know, some people get angry if they hear people eat.

I do. I have that misophonia. Misophonia. I think it's going that misophonia. Misophonia. I think it's going to become a thing. What do you do with the unpopped? Well, I don't eat popcorn. I'd be quite happy to never eat it ever again. I've had a tooth out.

It loosened a crown once. When you get to the bottom and you find the unpopped, I mean, it's like someone's put ball bearings in the bottom. I dislodged a crown. Yeah? My crown. When we were at Toy Story 4, I had about,

Buzz just kept handing me in the dark the Unpopped. So I had a handful of about nine or ten of them. Was he doing it on purpose? Yeah, he was. A little prank. He was just, yeah.

And I thought, I did for a moment think of taking them out and popping them. In a microwave? Just popping them on their own. I like the way you're taking them up and popping them. In a microwave? Just popping them on their own. I like the way you're calling them the unpop, like they're deplorable. They're a band, the unpopped.

Well, I was once stopped... The great unwalked. I was once stopped on the South Bank by an interviewer who was doing a science thing, and he asked me my thoughts on evolution. And I said, why are there any chimpanzees? Why are there chimpanzees who haven't developed into human beings? Is it like the on pops that you get in popcorn? He just looked like he thought I was a blithering idiot.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. blithering idiots I've got another email that I'd like to bring to your attention Can I say something first? Sure, of course you can Your name's on the door Earlier Earlier in the show on the main

channel, Absolute, I played It's a Kind of Magic by Queen. And I don't know if you noticed, but I laughed quite a lot through it. There's something... Do you ever get songs, and I

don't mean comedy songs, I mean some songs that really make you laugh and I don't mean comedy songs I mean some songs that really make you laugh I don't know what is funny about It's A Kind Of Magic but there's something hilarious about it yeah there's an Elvis song called Rags To Riches

yes and he starts off and there's quite a big note at the beginning and you know when you've got a big note I don't know if you ever sang a big note but there's a temptation if you think you're not going to make it to just really shout and elvis who obviously is capable of a big note and in this song i can't do this into the mic

you go you know i go it kills me every time i hear it, it kills me. I have a particular moment on a specific... Funnily enough, this is a Joseph soundtrack. Oh, yeah. And it's an actor really building his part up. He only sings one thing in the entire soundtrack, but he's obviously like, this is my big moment. And he says, we can see the Sphinx! And he shouts the line so loudly

and you can't recover everyone else's voices just go into the background someone told me that they were they were working on Le Miserable and they had an actor

an actor singer and in the rehearsals they don't you know they save their voice a bit yeah and he would go sort of

oh you can hear the people sing and he would go you can hear the people high note singing a song of angry

and that's what he'd do he'd just say high note I mean that takes confidence I like that. When we do the rehearsal of this show, I quite often say, Alan joke.

Yeah. Alan joke's here. Yeah, that'd be good. You should do that. Time-consuming rehearsing this every week, innit? If only Elvis had gone, you know I'd go for a high note. Wags to riches.

Anyway, what joke, what serious songs make you laugh at 12.15? Anything Mark Armand sings. Does that make you laugh? I just think there's something so fabulous about his voice because he tries to be quite earnest and intense and high drama, but I find him quite a comical character. Tainted Love makes me laugh. Doesn't it? It really makes me laugh. Tainted Love's greatical character. Tainted Love makes me laugh. Doesn't it?

It really makes me laugh. Tainted Love's great. I love Tainted Love. I love it, but there's something funny. They're not mutually exclusive. You can like the song. I like Rags to Riches by Elvis. What about when he says,

I'm sorry I don't parade that way. See, we're all laughing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. See, we're all laughing. We've got... Somebody's come up with a song that makes them laugh. Oh, yeah. Which is something Frank mentioned, which I love as a subject, because I have so many.

I also have East 17 Stay Another Day. Funny. Because he pronounces it... Is it Brian Harvey, I think? He pronounces it, throw it all away instead of throw. And I love that no one corrected him during the recording, possibly because they were too frightened of him. Maybe. Sheila Edwards says, Bob Dylan,

now you'll have to help me on this because I'm less familiar with his back catalogue. Okay. Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts. Oh yeah. The harmonica at the beginning reduces me to giggles. Well the harmonica is a different, I mean that's something else. Because an actor once said to me, they were in a play for over a year.

And I said it must be very difficult to keep that fresh. He said the important thing is that you do every line as if you've never done it before. That's what you have to constantly strive for. Every line. That is the approach that Bob Dylan has taken to the harmonica.

Bob Dylan is, there's an element of homeless man who's found a harmonica in a bin and he's experimenting with it. But I love that about it because I've listened to Bob Dylan for over 40 years. And I've listened from his very earliest work to his current stuff. And I see no sign of improvement in harmonica at all it's like a willful flat line that he's adopted of harmonica playing but it's so

distinctive that I've grown to love it Frank another one that makes me laugh is tight fit in the jungle how does that go oh the falsetto on that just makes me laugh the one I mean it's I think it's this is not the original but the fire... Oh, that one. Oh, the falsetto on that. It just makes me laugh. Well, the one... I mean, I think it's... This is not the original, but the one I grew up with was the Carl Denver trio singing that one. Oh, is that a cover?

Eee! I think it's a South African folk song originally. Oh! But he really... I mean, they go to places that the human voice you wouldn't think could go. David Pawsey says, Hi Frank, when I was at college 25 years ago,

there was a cashpoint machine that made the same noise as a boop-boop technical term in Tainted Love. Obviously I had to do it in time and sing it in my head every time, which made me chuckle. I think I may have mentioned on here before, I used to go out with a woman who lived on Seven Sisters Road in North London. And there was a dog that, yes, I stayed over sometimes. And there was, in the morning, there used to be a local dog that used to bark what sounded like it was going to be the American national anthem.

Star Spangled Banner. So it would go, oh, oh, oh, oh. It would bark, oh, oh, oh, oh. to bark what sounded like it was going to be the American National Anthem. A star spangled banner. So it would go, oh, oh, oh, oh. It would bark, oh, oh, oh, oh. That was how it barked. And I always, I couldn't hear it without going, da, na, da, na, na. And I'll be honest, he wasn't really in my key. Oh, that's for sure.

But, yeah, I always, I had to complete. You reached for it. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, I don't know what, I had to complete. You reached for it. Exactly, exactly. I mean, I don't know what... I wonder if anyone's ever worked out what key their dog barks in. Well, I'd love to know. My dog, as you know, doesn't bark. Does he not bark at all?

No, he's never barked in his life. What if you... He's missing out. I want to keep him there. What if he saw a cat in the garden? I made it... He'd run for his life. Really?

I mean, I made it very clear, the ground rules were set the minute he came in. No, we don't do that. He tried to bark and I just said that and he's never done it since. I think that happened with me and Kat. Sorry, Al. I'll tell you what, Frank. You've lit up the switchboard a bit with your... Are there any serious songs that make you laugh?

It's a very strange phenomenon, don't you think? I find it hard to say why. I used to watch The Fall live a lot i've seen them many many times and i love the fall and i love marky smith but i did used to laugh more at those gigs than i did at most stand-up gigs right and i don't know why exactly it's just something about him but this is just the songs themselves what what are other people's offers? Well, 498 has not so much contributed on the songs that make people laugh, but a thing that Emily pointed out,

that Brian Harvey pronouncing throw, throw on the East 17 song. And also it's a very moving ballad about losing someone. He goes, where'd you go? And throw it all away. Well, 498 has pointed out? Is it a Courtney thing? Yes, I believe it's Well, that can be sad too.

Sloppy speaking. But 498 has pointed out the facts that I was aware of. It's rare that I know any pop trivia but the Gorillaz song, Dare, was originally called There, but every time Sean Ryder sang it, it came out as Dare,

so they gave up and renamed the song. I'm going to nominate that. Good info for Simon. I'm going to have to nominate that for a big mo on my phone. Yeah, are you? I think that might be borderline. Fine. No, it's a big mo.

It's a big-ish mo. Fine. Fine. Oh. No, no, it's fine. Oh, come on. Hey, come on. How?

No, but I mean, come on. Is that a me type of fine, or a regular fine? It's a. Oh, come on. Hey, come on. How? No, but I mean, come on. Is that a me type of fine or a regular fine? It's a bit Emily Dean, that fine. Yeah, yeah, a bit. I was trying to think of a song. I think it's Neil Diamond where he's talking about being on his own in a hotel and he walks into the room and he says something along the lines of, no one was there, and then he adds, not even a chair.

Oh, yes. Every time I hear that, I laugh. Can I say any Neil Diamond song? Ellie's flying, the sun shines most of the time. He says, oh, no, I am, I said. That's it. And I love the song. Yes.

But not even a chair makes me laugh every single time I hear that. No one there and no one heard at all. Not even the chair. Well, chairs have got hearing now, Neil. Yeah, not even the chair. You'd expect to hear everything. Even the chair hasn't shown up for me this time. How do you think, well, if anyone hears it,

it'd be the chair. The chair's normally so reliable. Once you go into the world of inanimate furniture and things, hearing, why is the chair? Is that because we Once you go into the world of inanimate furniture and things, hearing, why is the chair? Is that because we have more contact with the chair and we've got some sort of empathy? Lovely song, but strange lyrics.

Well, there's another strange chair one. Rod Stewart. Oh, yes. Baby, I hate to tell you, but I think I'm catching a call. Put another chair on the fire Bring a bottle off And you think, no Hang on, what chair?

What is it, a riot? What are we going to sit on? We burn all the chairs for fuel Is it about the summer riots of 76 or something? Yeah, put another chair on the fire Another chair as well It's not like something I thought it's so bad

I'd be going to put a chair on the fire put another one on if I went over to yours and I said oh yeah I just put that chair on the fire

you'd be absolutely furious I would especially if it was my designer chair which I found out was worth like three grand I told Frank it was worth a lot of money oh what about

I've never been to me took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun. What? Am I allowed to say that? Yes. Very, very playback. I've been undressed by kings.

And I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see. Yeah, what are they? I wonder if anyone's ever sung that who has been undressed by kings. No. It's like I always wonder if Prince Charles sings I Just Can't Wait To Be King around the house. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. We've actually had two different Elton John recommendations just come in, who is amusing. 576 has said, Hi Frank, the song that makes me laugh is Rocketman by Elton John when he claims it's just a job five days a week. I wonder if he flew home for weekends. Where was the other one?

Oh, there it is. Morning All, the live version of Stan, the Dido slash Eminem song, they add helpfully in brackets. Yeah, but not everyone knows that. Yeah, where Eminem brings out Elton John as special guest. Elton John appears to do his part in the style of Vic Reeves' pub singer.

Utterly comedic, but he seems to have got away with it. Do you remember that duet that he did with Pete Doherty? Elton John? Yeah, and Pete Doherty was off key and all over the place. Right. Sounds like my Pete. Yeah, it was some big do. I can't remember what it was.

Oh, was it at... Elton John was, as ever, in default furious mode. I think it might have been at Live 8, Frank, when the Liberty... I may have got that wrong, but anyway. We also have... Did we give you the answer on popcorn in cinemas, Frank?

No, I want to know that. OK. 848... My question, if you've just turned on, was... Minister. If you tuned in and turned on, as they say. By the way, I saw a Naomi Campbell poster. She seems nice.

There's a new fragrance, yeah. Really lovely, friendly type. I was about that time at the Brits. I was sitting with Michelle Gale and heavyweight champion of the world, Lennox Lewis. Of course you were. And we had a message. A man came over and said, I've got world, Lennox Lewis. Of course you were. And we had a message. A man came over and said,

I've got a message from Miss Campbell. I said, who's that? He said, you know, Naomi Campbell. I said, oh, right. He said, this is her table. I said, I know there's a name thing there. He said, no, but she doesn't want to share it, so she wondered if you guys would move to a different...

And I remember saying, with great indignation, this is the heavyweight champion of the world! I remember saying that like, she's the heavyweight champion of the world! Anyway, we wouldn't move. I think that's absolutely reasonable, in that everyone, as far as I can see on that table, has a skill, a discernible skill.

Yeah. Well, look, you know, I think there is a skill to modelling. Because I've watched things like America's Next Top Model, and you get very beautiful women who can't quite do it. Really? You're from the fashion thing. But whoever you are, come and sit with... I'd be happy to sit with the heavyweight champion of the world

in any context. Maybe not in some sort of sauna. What happened then? Not in a sauna? Not in a sauna. So did she come and sit with you? Strange caveats. Group lavatory.

Strange caveats. Did she come and... Did she sit with you? No, she went home. She didn't even stay at the bridge. She was so furious. Who do you think on that table, I can't imagine, she didn't. She didn't even stay at the Brits. She was so furious. Who do you think on that table, I can't imagine, she didn't want to be seen with?

I think she just didn't want to share because she might have to talk to someone. Again, that sounds very unlike her. I'm not one to share. But anyway, I saw a poster of her. She's got a new fragrance out, I think, with a name I cannot say on breakfast radio. What is it?

Really? Is it rude? What is it? It's a big poster in a window that could be seen by families You can't say the name, really? Are you sure? The bill matter on it, the stuff underneath was an icon turned on

or something like that and I thought, dear, come on. Quite for long. Stop that, I thought to myself as I went past. I mean, it was early when I went past this morning as well, you know. Don't want to see that at 10 to 7. What's it called? I can't tell you what it's called.

I'm not OK. I'm just thinking it out. I just wish people would just behave themselves. I wish that more than I wish anything. Well, I'll tell you a little about my week. I've had an up-and-down week. And I don't want to play to a stereotype that sometimes comes up about me on this show,

but I've had an up an up and down week financially. Oh, wow. Is it a hawk's fang? I can start with the good news if you want. Don't start with the good news now I've said this. I'll stop it, I'll stop it.

Can I tell you something? I don't know how to stop it. But the producer has literally... I'll do the sad news. The producer, who I believe calls this her second job, I'll tell you something, I don't know how to stop it. But the producer has literally... I'll do the sad news. Do the sad news. The producer, who I believe calls this her second job, has eventually raced to my aid. Shade throne. I turned a corner on Saturday evening last week and...

Emotionally? No, no, in the car. Okay. He's the only person who would literally mean that. I had a loss of battery charge it came up with a sign saying power, battery not charged

so I turned it into my street and then the power steering went and as you know I'm incredibly strong from swinging kettle bells but it was a struggle to pull the car in and then I had to get like a 24 hour mechanic out to try and fix it. He couldn't

do it on the Sunday. He came and did it on the Monday. You were damn lucky it was so near your house. It was really close to my house that it went, but it was some kind of pulley thing. You know when you get home and you really want to go to the toilet suddenly? Yeah. It's almost like the car had that. I thought, at last, now I can let myself go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Almost like the car had that. I thought, at last, now I can let myself go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. £331 English pounds that repair cost me on the Monday. Thank you, thank you. So, like I say, that's the down part. Yeah. But the up part is I've had a couple of good bargains. So I don't know if you've got some happy music.

Lovely. I think, well, let me see what we've got. Keep talking and I'll find something. Okay. On the way back from Shrewsbury, where I did a preview, I stopped off at the station service, service station. Oh, the station service is good. Service, le station.

And, you know, a big bar of chocolate, you know like a... You know, I'm going to say the brand, you know Lint, the large bars, you know those large bars of chocolate, there was some of those next to the counter when I was buying a coffee, big bars reduced in a service station from £3.25, which is astronomical in the first place. They're about £2 in a supermarket. Well, I was going to say, what's the originality?

But it was those. They were extra creamy, which isn't my choice. I would rather have dark chocolate, but it was a bargain. It had an orange sticker on it. They're probably only extra creamy because it's so hot. Was that written in Sharpie pen, extra creamy? No, no, that was the actual packaging. Okay, now, and the man wrote it.

£3.25 was the starting price. Reduced down two in one sticker. Okay, what is it? Not like a... A frank skin of what you're going to guess, please. A pound. I'm going to go 75p. Not like a giant's causeway of several reductions,

like a step... Reduce £3.25... Okay, okay....to 20p. Not like a giant's causeway of several reductions, like a step. Reduce £3.25 to 20 pence. Shut up. How many did you buy? Two. Okay. There was only three there and I had a friend that was right behind me. Why didn't you buy the three? Because I thought

I'd better give somebody else the opportunity to get the bargain as well. And also would you be able to eat them in time? Because I assume they've gone off. I ate them both on Monday Did you check the best before date? It was this month and it's chocolate, who cares? What was the Mark Selby? To be honest

it's interesting that you said did I check the best before date because recently I ate pate out of my fridge that had ten days out of date on the packaging. And I just opened it and ate it. Dicing with death, man. I'll go ten on non-meat or fish. What are we talking about? I'd never go anything.

Oh, you're crazy. I'd never go. Well, yeah, I think they are. Money to burn. They are conservative estimates. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, remember, I think they are. Money to burn. They are conservative estimates at best. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, remember it's best by.

I don't need to have something at its best. Yeah, yeah. The rest of your life's not optimal, is it? No, it's not either. Nothing's 100% in life. I'm really happy

to take something that, you know, is in its twilight years. I think that's fine. In fact, I'm threatened by things at their best. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

One of the ongoing themes this morning was some songs that make you laugh, kind of inadvertently. Songs that make you laugh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Songs that make you laugh ooh ooh songs that make you laugh 337 ooh actually that makes me laugh a bit

ironically I have a giggle and a half ooh those songs that make me laugh songs that make you laugh how about Thin Lizzy tonight there's going to be a jailbreak somewhere in this town well first off i'd have a look at the prison you know just in case that's for me

and stewart dutes and one of our regulars it's funny that but people have very much taken this as like lyrics but i'm i was more i mean i like, but I was talking about songs, that there's something about the nature of the song that's intrinsically comic. Yes. Like, it's a kind of magic. It's just, there's no funny lyrics in that. It's just there's something, I don't know what it is, it makes me laugh. Yes, no, I know what you mean. We've had another missive in, which is one for Al, isn't it, Al?

Have you seen that from 245? We've had various pushback on my... You've had a bit of pushback? We've had a bit of pushback on my bargain chocolate. Oh, yeah. 376 has said, Alan, why didn't you get the third for your friend? Because it was 20 pence.

Yeah. They weren't that close, a friend. Have you perhaps said, I don't know you, Alan? We do. 245 has said, Alan, when I was about 12, I found king-size Mars bars in our local shop for 10p each. I bought seven.

I gave one to my cousin and ate the others over that day and the next. Suffice to say, I've never eaten a Mars bar since. A vital piece of information is missing from that text, which is the year in question. Well, 10p each. I think we're going back some. Well, I remember there was a campaign called Big Fry. Mm-hm.

And what Big Fry did was... Stephen Fry, cellmates. A swimming campaign. I mean, a terrible old fool. No, it didn't involve the fry-meister. I've been a silly fool, I do apologise. No, Big Fry was a campaign run by Fry's Chocolate. They did things like...

Very 70s Frank. Turkish Delight. Fry's Chocolate, the green and the blue. Fry's Chocolate Cream. Yeah, Fry's Chocolate Cream. How much do you think you get one of those for? But anyway... You'd be paying them. very 70s Frank Turkish delight the fried chocolate the green and the blue fried chocolate cream yeah fried chocolate cream I can't argue with that how much do you think you get one of those for but anyway

you'd be paying them they'd be paying you I bet they're 80 pence now they made them bigger they made so it was called Big Fry oh yeah

and the advert I'll tell you what the advert was would be people going Big Fry Big Big and a man carrying an enormous I mean much bigger. And a man carrying an enormous,

I mean, much bigger than the big fry bars, an enormous chocolate bar. And that man was George Lazenby. Shut up. Was this post-Bonn? No, this was pre-Bonn. I think this was where he was spotted. No.

He carried the big fry chocolate bar. But then my point, as I was making, is that these bars were bigger so people bought this before the national obesity crisis so you could have campaigns like this yeah and um people bought these extra the big fry bars and it was then revealed that they were actually lighter in weight um than the small fry. And they're acting like it's Watergate. They'd just

pumped a bit of air into them or something. So it was... Made less food cupboard more volume like space. Like popcorn. Exactly what they'd done. So don't, you know, be wary of the giant bars. I can't believe that know, be wary of the giant bars.

I can't believe that James Bond was discovered via an advert. I mean, it gives the 118 man hope. It does. It's all her. If they remake Department S, he could get the Jason King role. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 167 has texted, and I like the start of this, Dear Friends.

Mm, good. Not often an opening to a text, is it? Could be a quaker. Oh, really? Yeah. Do they do that? Well, they have the Friends, um... Ah. What's it called?

The Friends Hall or something it's called? Ah, right. Oh, yes, the Friends Meeting House. Friends Meeting House. That's the one. We got there in the end, didn't we? Of course, the Quakers with the chocolate connection.

Yes. Was it... Not just... I don't know if I'd like to mention them. We know who we mean. 18th century British industry dominated by the reformists. Oh, they work hard, these people.

Bourneville, Wedgwood. Oh, yes, I went to school with him. Bourneville, Wedgwood. Yeah, Bourneville, Wedgwood. Oh, yes, I went to school with him. Bourneville, Wedgwood. Yeah, Bourneville, Wedgwood. Posh, wasn't he? Jeremiah Bourneville Wedgwood III. The song Big Spender always makes me laugh. Love from Steffi.

Says she's currently recovering from surgery. We'll cheer up and well done. And don't listen to Big Spender. Steffi, can I just say I just well that's Alan's worst song wouldn't you like to have fun fun fun how about a few laughs

laughs I can show you a good time I don't know if we should do the whole song but yes it is we have the money now but I enjoyed Alan cringing

when we said Big Spender. Alan cringing, he was very good. Yeah, Golden Eye. Yeah, he was always great in Golden Eye. Someone else can't listen to anything by the Scissor Sisters without crying with laughter. Do you know I'd forgotten they existed, the Scissor Sisters? What about that?

I just heard someone say that about you. I know, but I'm sure people do say that. No, I don't think so. You're an NT. Oh, yeah, I forgot that. We need to talk about Wimbledon, Frank. Shall we? Well, I think we should.

I mean, I've struggled. I haven't been watching much because I had the women's... Well, up until the other night I had the Women's World Cup. And also it's the Cricket World Cup. I've been enjoying Nick Kyrgios, though. Nick Kyrgios. Oh, he went out the other day, didn't he? Well, he went to the pub the night before.

Did he really? Yeah, he went to the, what's it called? The Dog and Fox they all go to. Oh, did they? And when they asked him, I liked his post-match interview, and they said, oh, do you think maybe you shouldn't have gone to the pub beforehand? And what I love is they all talk about I train, I diet.

And he says, well, you know, I don't train. I don't, he said, I don't show up every day. I don't have a coach. I don't do gym. Can I hold my hand up? Should I know Nick Kyrgios? Yeah, he's the bad boy of tennis. Australian bad boy. Did he kill the cat?

Kyrgios killed the cat. He has a silent G in his name. Is he the one we talked about a long time ago, probably last Wimbledon, and he was dating two women or something like that? Yes, he's the bad boy, if I remember. He's the millennials John McEnroe, except without the wit or form.

Tennis talent. He's considerably behind John McEnroe, I the wit or form yeah talent tennis talent he's considerably behind John McEnroe I think in tennis ability but the big news is Andy's back yes in a way

yeah yeah Andy Andy Andy Murray Andy Murray Andy Andy

Andy Murray Andy Murray is his tribute act yeah he's he had he had a hip didn't he he had a bit his tribute act Yeah He had a hip didn't he? Sir Andrew Murray I forgot that

When you said sir then I thought you were just changing the subject in a very posh way Sir I ask you if the hip of a professional sportsman is a suitable topic for breakfast conversation. Yeah, well, we'd have to go. We'd have to wear sort of Georgian outfits.

Who was the guy? What was he called last week? Oh, the fabulous guy. Matthew, not Matthew. Pinsent, the tailor. not Matthew, Pinsent, the tailor. Yeah, Zach Pinsent,

that's what he was called. Very well remembered, Frank. He lives on, he lives on in my memory. Frank has a very special skill. You know, sometimes on Love Island,

Frank, which I'm... I've never seen. I know. I watched 10 minutes of Love Island. I'll be honest with you, I couldn't find the love in it.

I know. Not enough love in it. There's zero love in it. However, there is one section when they have to demonstrate a special skill. Oh, I'm glad it's post-Watershed. But I think that could be one of your skills

if you're on there, is remembering obscure names of people who've briefly been in the papers. Wow, right back at you. Yeah, you're really doing right back at you. You both know who Mary Bale is off the top of your, right back at you. Emily Dean, right back at you. You both know who Mary Bale is off the top of your head, don't you? You don't have to think about it.

As there's no love in Love Island that I've seen. No. Is it an island? Is that part of it true? I mean, I don't want to find out. Oh, no, it's not an island. So there is neither love nor is it an island.

What is it, an isthmus? What did I just call it? Is it an isthmus? That's my request. It's a resort in Magaluf, I believe. Oh, is it? Magaluf. I don't know if it's there.

But it's in the Spain area. So it's not an island? I don't believe it is an island. I mean, I trust the Gen Zers in the room are both shaking their heads vigorously. What happens to viewers' trust when you can't claim something if it isn't actually true? Well, that died out many years ago.

What if I got it closed down and went to court? Went to court? Yeah, I've been told. I found a skinner outside the Old Bailey. Would you wear your, what I call, court case sunglasses? Imagine when they brought out the promontory precedent from some case in 1861 when something

claimed to be an island was actually a promontory. Whoa, that'd be a moment for me. Your witness, Mr. Baxter. I'd really enjoy that. I imagine they're all called Baxter. If you dig deep enough. I imagine Caroline Flack in a court wear, crying.

Yeah, exactly. Being dragged into the thing. The judge saying, do have a drink of water, Miss Flack, if you're upset. Who is Gasser? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. 082 has just schooled me in some Love Island info finally it's in Mallorca

as any fool know fool is spelt F-U-L-E and know is spelt K-N-O so we've both got different sets of knowledge. Physician, heal thyself. Yours is Love Island, mine is Spellings. Well, that might be...

I think it might be a you speak. How it's done now. Yeah, that's how the Love Islanders speak. Text! We weren't really trying to discuss Love Island. We were trying to get on to... Did you get scorched? You old Andy Murray.

I got scorched. Oh, well. No, I didn't know where it was, but I'm horrified to hear that it contains neither love nor is it based on an island. Yeah. I mean, let's have a little bit of veracity. I suppose if they went with the truth,

like Lost and Mallorca. Yeah. No, that sounds like an 80s soap opera. That sounds like El Dorado. That's not alluring as a television show. They could call it Paradise Lost. That's too good. That is too good.

And do you know what? They absolutely would love that reference. Yeah, they're not going to get the reference. I think the Love Island demographic tends to be a huge... They love all things Milton. They love a Milton. So Andy Murray has said in interviews that one of the ways that he's fixing his back,

or his hip, he had hip surgery. Oh, well, it wasn't that hip. It was, well, it was a bit hip-hop, actually, because he's been breakdancing. Well, he had a hip-hop. He had a hip-hop, and now he's doing hip-hop. Yeah, no, breakdancing. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing. Breakdancing, I think of Now this could be my Silly old white man sensibilities I think of it more as an upper body thing The breakdance Aren't they a lot of the time upside down

And on their heads Well there's so many types you see There's about four or five different Wouldn't it have been happier with a lambada for a hip? Oh, maybe. Well, not if he's doing the worm. I mean, there's a lot of hip action in the worm. Oh, yeah.

And the floor stuff, I think they generate a lot of power from the hips for the spinning. But the lambada is... I mean, the hips become as water. Yes, you're right. Wouldn't it be good for him? I told you someone told me a serious tip for the Lambada.

A person involved in dance said imagine you have a pencil up your bottom pointing out, point pointing outwards and that you're drawing a figure eight with that pencil and you can do the Lambada. And I've used that.

It's why you lost that job in the stationary shop it was it was that one at the sign making shop yeah but you know i was doing two signs at the same time i was saving her money ultimately frank skinner on Absolute Radio. And can I officially say, I've been schooled, I was schooled as, regarding the location of Love Island? Yes. And the phrase any fool know was used, and then I schooled him on spelling, and now I've been schooled twice,

because apparently it is a private eye in joke. Yeah. Someone thinks it might be from the oldies, someone called Nigel Molesworth. I don't know who that is, but I can only apologise, well, a second time to 082. Oh, God. Yeah, all I would say on this is I... I mean, it's a terrible start to our relationship.

Yeah, yeah. I think I would rather have a friend who couldn't spell than a friend who quoted private... But, you know, I don't have any friends. Frank's put himself in team Emily there. That's good. Yeah.

I love how he does that. Can I say that if I had to pick any public figure who I could imagine is physically capable of breakdancing, being emotionally capable of it, I would put Andy Murray well down the list.

He doesn't... Oh, really? He just seems like... Can you imagine him spinning on the floor going, it's like that, and that's the way it is. It's like that. It's just the most on hip-hop person on the planet, isn't it? He has so much stick. People always say that he's miserable.

Not miserable. And I've said this for years. Not miserable, but he's like you. He's not a joiner-inner. It's not that he's miserable. He's Scottish and he plays a summer sport. He's so out of his comfort zone. All right, all right, dear.

It's not fair. It's like that. That's the way it... I mean... He's funny. Yes. Well... Look, I like Andy Murray.

I like Andy Murray. Also, you like it. I like him, but I can't picture him really entering into the spirit of breakdancing. Well, I'm with you on that. Breakdancing, Al, was originally inspired by the Marshals. Yeah? Who? I believe the martial arts.

What? Really? Yes, it was in the Bronx in the 70s, I think. I thought it came from the waltzes. No, it was inspired by the martial arts, the kung fu. Well, that I didn't know. Street gangs. Of course, the Scottish breakdancing tradition must be minimal.

Because the kilt element turns it into a whole different spectacle. Yeah, it gets a bit X-rated. He said during that interview, which I watched, he said he also was asked about his favourite tennis player and his tennis heroes. And he was an Andre Agassi boy. Tells you a lot about someone's age, the favourite tennis hero. Right.

So I won't be going there. He said... Mine's Fred Perry. Oh! Yeah, both got there. Mine probably would be Rod Laver, the Australian left-hander. Good shout. Who was going back a bit. Mine would be... Well Laver, the Australian left-hander. Mine would be, well it was Stefan Edberg

was, you may remember when I was a child, I held an imaginary press conference announcing our wedding. Wow. That was my game I used to play. Everyone else played with their dolls and I held an imaginary press conference which I made my family watch. I was getting married announcing my wedding to him.

I did love, my female one would have been Anne Jones, or as she became, Anne Hayden Jones. Lovely. Who was a West Brom fan. I've seen her in the Album a few times. And also won the Women's Single. Because really, up until Andy Murray, throughout my entire long life,

the British men have been rubbish. It's only been the women who ever won anything. Tough for Tim Henman if he's listening today. What did he win? I didn't say he won. Come on, Tim! He wasn't a terrible tennis player either. I think there must have been some point towards the end

when somebody went, come on, Tim. No, I mean, honestly, can you just come on? Tim, come on! But never. But much loved, and he's got a hill named after him. How many of us can say that? And Morrie Mound. Oh, yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, okay. That must have took a... Okay, everybody... That took a belt in during the breakdancing. Oh, my God. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, 478 once met Anne Hayden-Jones at Lewis's in Birmingham. Lovely. My grandmother had taken me to their Christmas grotto. She was delightful. That's Helen. Yeah, she's very nice.

Solihull. Solihull. And Sue Barker is very nice producer's laughing at the way I pronounce Solihull Sue Barker I think was

I think she was rated like number two in the world when she was about 16 she gets some good gigs now interviewing McEnroe

she was the girl now the 15 year old girl that everyone's talking about well I've got to admit I was watching her on the telly and I switched it off because I thought well that game's over about. Well, I've got to admit, I was watching her on the telly and I switched it off because I thought,

well, that game's over, I know where that's going, and then she won it. Right. I'll know that. Yeah, so Sue Barker was the sort of, the her of her day. Yeah. Who was your tennis player? I mean, mine was a bit Becker as well, Frank.

Becker for me. Were you Becker? Oh, turning up at 17 and then diving around and jumping over the next. You couldn't stop running and stuff. Absolutely amazing. I am, you may know, this is one of my, a thing that I constantly, every year I think about this at Wimbledon. That moment, and this year you'll know why it's prevalent,

that moment when you want a doubles partner and you have to go and ask someone. Yes. And there is often a tremendous disparity between... So I suppose not so much with... I know Andy's a former champion and all that, Andy Murray, but how would you like to make the phone call to Serena Williams saying, do you fancy doing mixed doubles with me?

Who is worthy of that phone call? How do you start it off? Do they start with a WhatsApp message? I think they text each other. With an emoji saying, how you doing? Yeah, I think so. It makes me think of when I wrote to Alan Bennett asking if he wanted to write a play with me.

I mean, it's got that level of potential. What if Serena had said, no, you're all right? Or The Three Tellers. I think about The Three Tellers. You do tell about The Three Tellers, yeah. When I was going to go on tour with two other comics and we did a 40-minute season, it's called The Three Tellers. Uh-huh.

And then you realise that it's quite difficult to ask someone if they want to come on too with you. Because A, they might think that you're not worthy and B, they might despise you as an individual. But dislike your art as well. They should have like a Tinder thing for doubles and mixed doubles. So you just swipe through for your match. You see? Just call it match.

Match. Yeah, a match point. I like it. see? Just call it match. Match. Yeah, if you get match point. I like it. What do we call it? Or he could call it break point, because of his crazy break dancing obsession. But of all the people, if I'm going to do a doubles, of all the people I'd be nervous about calling it Biss Arena.

I don't think you will be doing the doubles. No, I probably... What if I called that? Also, you've built up your resilience by asking Alan Bennett to ride with you. Exactly. You've got your eye in now for a knockback. My only chance is to call Alan Bennett

and ask him to do the doubles. Yeah. Now that I would want to be absolutely... Imagine you and Alan Bennett, centre court. Oh, I'd love it. If he was a sort of... He'd turn out to be like centre. Imagine you and Alan Bennett, centre court. Oh, I love it. If he was a sort of, he'd turn out to be like a McEnroe figure. Do you honestly believe that that ball was within the line, umpire? Oh, dear.

Yeah, I think that must be very nerve-wracking, doing the ask. Oh, God. I think he's done well with Serena. Oh, God, also. I mean, come on, let's say. Well, you couldn't do any better, really, could you? No, I don't know. Well, she's had the injuries, too.

They bonded over their injuries. They probably twerk. Yeah. For rehab. Yeah, exactly. Rehab, twerk. For rehab. Because let's face it, the fist bump has been overused.

I think every time they win a pint. Maybe a bit of flossing. I'll tell you what I learned from reading this story, which shocked me to the core. The two champions, male and female singles, no longer dance at the Wimbledon Ball. What? I thought that was absolute...

And there's a bit from Andy Murray where he said, I met her after we both won Wimbledon, but Apple, you don't have to dance anymore. And I thought, what? So that stopped. You're a tennis correspondent, Sarah. I didn't know that. That, what?

I don't even know what dance they did. Did they do the same dance every year? I think it was. It wasn't some Paso Doble. The rumba. I hope it wasn't a Paso. I always look forward to that more than anything, as you know, Frank. Was the tennis players looking slightly awkward

in the sort of young musician of the year dress? Looking uncomfortable. Well, the way athletes look fabulous in sports clothes, but never quite as good in what I'd call human being clothes. I'm not sure of footballs, actually, but I mean, the rugby players,

that's just ridiculous. That's like when you see Ben Grimm of the Fantastic Four in a suit. They have a bit where he's wearing black tights and events. Frank, I know we're drawing to a close, but I'd just like to say before we go, 749... I'm glad that you brought this up.

No, it's just a nice friend for you, Al. That's a very good text message. Al's finally met a lovely friend through the show. Steve from Kent has just crossed the line right at the finish of the show. I ate a yoghurt that was six months out of date. It's a bit fizzy, but I finished it. Also had two eggs on Monday that were labelled BB 28th of April.

That's best before. 28th of April. And here he is texting us on Saturday. Is he aware of the fact that if you put them in water and they float, they're off? I'm sure he is. Okay. I'm certain he is.

But what about eggs as well? He seems untroubled. I think that also works for eggs. All right, it's mainly a yoghurt tip. I hope you're very happy together, Al. I would like to thank you for listening to us this week. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.