The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Bum Bag

Episode Date: April 28, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Alun Cochrane and Angela Barnes. Frank talks about performing for the Queen at her Birthday and all things royal. The team also discuss the Trump and Macron Bromance and Tom Cruise doing his own stunts.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Angela Barnes and Alan Cochran today. I'll explain more in a moment. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Angela. Hello. What a lovely surprise. Well, not a surprise. I knew you were coming.

Ta-da! Emily Dean is in prison. That's right. We always thought she could turn, didn't we? There was a frat car at a local jumble sale. That's a place you wouldn't find.

I hope she's not listening. No, I don't think they're allowed, are they? No. Contraband. So, welcome, Angela. We've worked together before, have we not? We have. We did the long-lamented

Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain on ITV. ITV stuck their neck out and did a live panel show which was courageous. And I was a last minute addition to that as well. Yeah well this is all very good. But you were excellent on it. Oh thank you

Frank. And actually played a big part in its formation if I remember you did a lot of the warm up shows. I did yeah. I mean it's not what you want to build your career on. The reputation of Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain was one very brief series, and then people don't even know it existed now, which is, you know, it's a mixed blessing.

I listened, I'm an avid reader of this show anyway, so when I did Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain, because I'd listened to you talk about it on this show, all I had going through my head was the Stoney Ground theme tune. I don't have anything that lands on Stoney Ground. Let's hear it. This is the... We might well use it today.

This is my jingle for a joke that goes badly. Come upon me for a Stoney Ground. It's fabulous. It's taken from, obviously, the parable of the s I'm totally drowned. Fabulous. It's taken from, obviously, the parable of the sower and the seeds. Is it? Yeah. Obviously.

I liked it most of all. And we've already had a discussion this morning about the headphones, I noticed. You thought we had big headphones. It's just called headphones. What are they called? Cans. They're called cans in the business.

But is headphones the other? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always get mixed up with earplugs and headphones. Well, there's earphones. Earphones are the ones you put in your ears. I think they are, yeah. And headphones on your head, I think. I think so.

Okay. But when I went to put these on, the extendable bit was fully extended and I thought there must be somebody with a giant head. The Mekon, I think, was a guest on the... If there's any Dandare fans, thank God for that. He was a guest earlier on the show on that little hover platform that he used to travel on.

Which, come to think of it, I think they took that idea for Yoda. He's got a little hover platform, if I remember right. So, you know, a frisbee. A frisbee that's been thrown particularly well. Right. So it just hovers. Anyway, the reason I bring that up

is that I did Steve Wright in the afternoon this week. I feel like I need to clap when you say that. Yes. Woo! Yay! I love that. Have you done it? I have. I've like I need to clap when you say that. I love that. Have you done it? I have. I've done it once. Do you join in with your own applause

on there? I was too nervous. I don't think I did. I do. I've added whooping in the past. Because there's only like, at most there's three of them in there. And so you feel you want to thicken the soup a little bit

anyway we started before we went on he said I said shall I wear the headphones he said you don't have to if you don't want to and we started he said Frazier never wore headphones even when he was talking to people who found him so they didn't know anything about radio which I thought

was an interesting point and Steve Wright of course knows a lot about radio. And then someone else said, yeah, our shoestring never wore headphones. Do you remember that series? The detective. The private detective, but he also was a local radio. I didn't know that, Baron. And I said, well, what can you expect on that budget?

Oh, nice. And he didn't get it. No. That's a real shame. And I waited. It was one of these when I waited, and then it slowly permeated. But it was, as Steve Wright said,

it was the worst possible start to the thing. So, yeah, they didn't get the shoestring bodgy joke. That's a pity. Was that my fault or their fault? 8, yeah, they didn't get the shoestring bod you joke. That's a pity. Was that my fault or their fault? 8.12.15. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've done a bit of a Friday night trawl having a look at the emails that have come in and we've got a whatever happened to Scratch and Sniff.

It continues. What a double that they were. Beside the obvious fruity stickers in the 90s, I distinctly remember having a FIFA football CD that was Scratch and Sniff of newly cut grass. That sounds good, doesn't it? Can you think of any modern day uses for this seriously underused technology? That's from Max who's a brummie in New York.

Done well. Yeah. Yeah, he is. I wonder, has it completely gone? I've not heard of it for ages. I don't know if kids, because we used to have the stickers, and you'd collect them different. The only one I remember is an ice cream one,

and I used to think, but what flavour ice cream? I have an idea that my... What do you smell of ice cream? I think my child wears stickers that smell of strawberry and stuff. But I don't think if you scratch them, I think they just... They just smell of it. They constantly emanate the vapour of fruit. Whereas the joy of the scratch and sniff was that it was all contained

and then you scratch and it's like the genie in the bottle. Exactly. How it comes. But then you could do it more than once, couldn't you? So how did that work? Could you really? I think so, yeah. I'm pretty sure that you could.

It's amazing what they can do nowadays. I once ate live squid in Korea, and it... Sorry, everyone. Enjoy your breakfast. Breakfast time. It tasted great, but morally... Did it?

It was... It was... Yeah morally it was questionable. I don't know how many militant vegans we've got that are about to go mad on the switchboard. Probably none. But anyway, I ate it. And then it was moving about a lot because it was alive. And then it died.

At what point? So I don't know, I went off it a bit then. Like, you know, as if I was a bloke, I thought, oh, I'm not eating dead stuff. How soon you get into the habit of eating live stuff, that when it dies, you're suddenly not interested. And then the chef came over, handful of salt, sprinkled it on it, sprung back to life again. Yeah. All it needed was a bit of acidity We used to do that when I was a kid With flies

We used to catch flies And then you'd put them in water And then you'd rip out a hair You're looking at me like I'm mad here But you'd rip out a hair from your head Tie it to the fly Put salt on the fly And it'd wake up

And you'd have a fly on a lead No, just me? Okay Can I say there's any children listening? They're still God's creatures. Leave them alone. Also, they're covered in excrement, as we know now. And some, apparently.

It's a stranger. What's this got to do with Scratch and Sniffler? That's what I'm wondering now. Oh, because it's the idea of you can do it more than once, you see, is that you can eat live squid, and then it's dead, and then you can eat it. That once, you see, is that you can eat live squid and then it's dead and then you can eat it. That's where I went. I see. Sorry, I can't explain my own processes.

At what point did you notice the squid maybe we shouldn't go too deep into this, I don't know, but, because if it's live on your plate surely first mouthful, that's it. It's dead? No? No, no, no. No. No, no, they abide the squid. Yeah, I'm worried now that people will be more offended. Yeah, no. No. No, no, they abide.

The squid. Yeah, I'm worried now that people will be more offended. Yeah, possibly. I'm sorry, I've eaten it now. What can I do? I can't regurgitate something I had. Good point. In 2002. I think the scratch and sniff has largely gone,

but it sounds like sniffy stickers remain. Yes. Ooh. I have an idea that in ladies' magazines... Oh, yes. You know, the sort of thing. Ooh. That there are cards that you can scratch

to get the smell of a perfume that you then might want to buy. The producer is nodding. Yeah, in vigorous nods. Sort of impregnated. I don't think you scratch them, though. I think they just smell just open them up

they're just soaked and you open it like sample sachets is that what we're talking about I'm not talking sachet I'm talking card it's like an impregnated bit of card

oh right yeah scent but yeah get off they get some lovely bags free bags with magazines

they they they are commercially available. If you really want one, just buy one. I can't go in and get the woman's round for a free bag. It's all a spectrum now, Frank. You can. There's no ID check. Just buy it.

I don't need a make-up bag. I could use it for other things, but they often have things like L'Oreal on the side. Is L'Oreal? L'Oreal. Something like that, yeah. Yeah, well, I must have, I hadn't completely unfolded it. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I performed at the Queen's 92nd birthday party this week. Ooh! La-dee-da! Hoi-te! Hoi-te! Hoi-te! I remember someone saying that in Little Women.

The Little Women that Judy Garland won. One of the girls said, I don't wish to do that because I want to be a doctor or something like this. And this old aunt says, tight hair, tight hair. I have had cause

to use it in the past. So yeah, it's at the Albert Hall. I haven't been able to tell anyone it's supposed to be a big secret. I got asked about three or four weeks ago I said to my partner this is what

this is my life I said to my partner do you want to come to the Albert Hall and see me play ukulele in front of the Queen and she said

who else is on do you know that was almost my question that's harsh isn't it I think She didn't go Wow

Hopefully none of the rest of who else were on her listening Because they now know that She was away for the weekend But I think it was whether it was worth coming back Oh right It wasn't So what did you play on the ukulele Was it Happy Birthday

No we played When I'm Cleaning Windows but it wasn't. So what did you play on the ukulele? Was it Happy Birthday? No, we played When I'm Cleaning Windows, which is a song packed with sexual innuendos. Yeah. But no-one seemed to really notice. I was going to say, did you keep it clean? The windows were. Kick for the queen. Pyjamas lying side by side, ladies' nighties I have spied,

I've often seen what goes inside when I play the music. It's a peeping Tom song, really, isn't it? The blushing bride, she looks divine, the bridegroom, he's doing fine, I'd rather have his job than mine. I never realised George Formby was so edgy. That song was banned by the BBC.

Was it really? For its lewdness. That's amazing. But not last week. It was on. No, no, it was embraced by the... I got to Albert Hall and I got stuck at a police cordon for ten minutes. I couldn't actually get in. I'm just standing with my ukulele and a suit on.

Please let me play for the Queen. You're talking for the Queen. Yeah, talking to the police. Did you know a particular door to go to? Because I've been to the Albert Hall a couple of times and it's quite difficult to get into the right bit of where you need to be. Is that a known problem with the Albert Hall? Well, I think there was probably a little bit of extra security

on that as the entire royal family were going to be there and various politicians and whatnot. Did she enjoy it? Did you speak to her? Well, it's funny you should say that because I was in the wing. What happened? We had to rehearse the...

I should say I was playing with the George Formby Society. It wasn't just me. Right. Well, I'm a member of the society, and I've done a documentary with them before about George Formby, but they said, we'll pack it out with a few more celebrities, you know. In other words,

I don't think you've got enough celebrity nowadays to carry it. Right. So they got me Harry Hill and Ed Balls as my wingman. Oh, I see. Yeah, so that was the set-up. So it's us three at the front, and then the George Formby Society. Yeah.

Including, you know, a couple of kids and some young... I mean, a lot, I suppose, a lot of elder people amongst them, but a really great lot. I think we had a vote, and 70% were more worried about the stairs than the performance. But they were really great. It was great. But two, I loved it. I loved the whole thing.

It was brilliant. And at the end, we had to do the finale and the president and his wife of the society were going to be on stage when the Queen was on stage, so they were excited. And we had to rehearse this bit where we line up behind... We walk on stage and Kylie and Tom Jones and Shaggy and Sting, they're singing What A Wonderful World.

And we had to... It's so... What a ridiculous world. And we had to line up behind them and then we had to look over our shoulders we needed wing mirrors when the royal party arrived the idea is that we back up we're a sort of queen flap

so we go back, they come in and then we close again but we were waiting in the wings so there's me, Ed Balls and Harry Hill waiting in the wings. I'll tell you after this. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So anyway, we're standing in the wings. This is at the... Royal Albert Hall. Royal Albert Hall. Me, Hill and Balls. Yeah. You, Hill and Balls at the Royal Albert Hall Royal Albert Hall me, Hill and Balls

yeah you and the Balls at the Royal Albert Halls yeah exactly very good and Ed Balls gives me the bit of elbow

in the ribs and we look round and the Queen and Prince Charles are standing literally right next to us in the wings in the dark

no no sign of any real you know no security detail standing literally right next to us, in the wings, in the dark. No sign of any real, you know... No security detail. No, there were some people around, but it was dark. They were just standing there. She said, it's very dark. And Hariel said, you need a torch, really. And I said, you should have a torch bearer. And she said, yes, I should really, shouldn't I?

Excellent. And then he came over, Prince Charles, shook my hand and said, enjoyed the ukulele. And I said, he said, are you aware of the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain? And I said, I am. I said, but to be honest,

I've spoken to them they're a bit sniffy about George Formby he went and I thought I've poisoned I've poisoned now in his mind

the Eucalyptus of Great Britain they'll never get any work now at that end at that end of the market they've had to take

their by royal appointment off their logo so a bloke like ten years ago, at Cecil Sharp House in North London, said to me that he didn't think George Formey was much of a ukulele player.

It's come back ten years later with Prince Charles. But anyway, so they then wandered towards the stage. She's going, it's very narrow. So what's the wings? So anyway, she never goes anywhere narrow, if you think about it. And they got lost as well.

Did they have trouble finding the right door? So they went off. And then there's a surge reminder that she's not in show business. She's so uncomfortable in tunnels and the wings. She's not in the wings.

No. She's at the centre stage. Yeah. So me and Harry Hill are sort of saying, that was pretty amazing. And Harry said, I've got a picture of the back of their heads as they went off and all that.

We were laughing about it. And then what I didn't know is that Ed Balls had gone on ahead and was ready to do the finale. And he started going, Frank, Frank, come on. And she heard him and turned around and went, Frank, hurry up. So I turned to the Queen telling me to hurry up. It was, I've never moved so fast in my life.

Wow. I had a thousand images of the man in the iron mask. I don't know why. So it was literally a Royal Command performance. It really was. Frank, I mean, I'm sure she didn't know my name. She just copied it. But that was very strange.

I met her when I was a student nurse. I met the Queen. She came to open the ward that we were working on. Thank you. Just to get applause for that. Being a nurse, yeah, used to be enough. No, we're just worried about MRSA. Keep talking.

But it was in a hospital in East London and she was opening a new ward and we were all told to, you know, have our uniforms nicely pressed and be ready for her. And there was myself and two other student nurses who stood by Dawn. She walked past and she stopped to talk to us. We thought she was just going to keep walking past.

And she genuinely, she looked at us and she said, what do you do? I said, we're wearing nurses' uniforms uniforms so we just sort of looked down at ourselves and looked at all with nurses like and then she that's it but it was weird it was in hackney she wanted a breakdown of what you oh maybe what have i done today yeah maybe that's she wouldn't have wanted to know but um hackney got tidied up that day. It was really weird. Like the whole town suddenly, because the Queen was coming,

I thought she must just think everywhere looks... Well, the Albert Hall was pretty spruce. Yeah. I don't know. It was... What I liked, it was a very rare moment of informality. Yeah. And, you know, she's 92.

She's in the wings. It is a bit dark. And no matter how important and aloof your life is, if one person is shouting for someone else, you can't help but one join in. Especially if you're a person who exudes authority. And also, you've got

gloves on that can be seen in the dark. You're going to beckon them forth. It was very... Ed was just chatting to her. So, what do you think of the ukulele? Wow. He's met her a few times, obviously, in his line of work. Right.

He's fearless. Yeah. I spent a lot of it on one knee. Yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Tim, one thing that I was really laughing with Harry Hill

about when we were on stage at the Albert Hall is that Prince Charles did that mummy. You know when he said, Your Majesty, mummy? And he got a big laugh. I've seen him do that. That's the third time I'm aware of him. That's like he's set stock. Oh, really?

And just as a comic, you just think, it's nice to think they've got a bit of material they pull out for these. They can lean on. Yeah, yeah. And it's not exactly on-the-nose material. When he first tried it, it was probably accidentally or something. And I thought, I'm sticking with this. It's great that you can get it to still work.

Because I've done that before. You do an ad-lib, you're like, I'm going to do that again. And then it's never quite as good as when you've ad-libbed it. I mean, the crowd's on his side. I guess so, yeah. But the thing that he did, which was much more experimental and innovative, is when he did the three cheers for the queen we all sang happy birthday for the queen and then um we had to sing happy birthday your majesty and i thought

every time i sing happy birthday from now on i'll think it's all right this but it's not your magic there's quite a lot of vowels as well i know song. It's a fit in that, yeah. But when he did the three cheers, he said hip, hip, hip, awry, instead of hip, hip. Now, I've never heard the three hip cheerleading before. Has she had a hip replaced? I think so. Didn't Duke of Edinburgh have a hip thing recently?

Yeah, I think he did in Oxford recently. I think it's an in-joke for him watching on telly at home. Might be. I wouldn't put it past Prince Charles to have in-jokes. When he did it, we started to come in after the second hip and then he chucked in a third hip. I don't know if it's... Could be a royal tradition.

It could be. Well, it's a maverick. It's very strange. It was a strange day, I'll be straight with you. Was the Duke of Edinburgh there as well? No, he's not. He wasn't. He's not well, is he? I once did an after-dinner at the Duke of Edinburgh's polo club,

which was a terrible misbooking, I'm not sure why. I think Sir Stephen Redgrave must have been booed offstage at the Funny Bucket in Croydon. What was going on? And it was at a polo club. And I'm not, you know, I'm not really a polo person, I think it's fair to say. You might be surprised.

We discussed polo recently on the show as to whether it's a good day out. Did you watch the polo? I didn't. I had the dinner with the polo players. Oh, God. And it was awful. And they were trying to convince me

that it wasn't an elitist sport. I don't think people are coming out of coal mines going to fancy a game of polo. They call them ponies, not horses. They're polo ponies. And each player takes ten ponies to each match because they swap the ponies all the time.

I thought the kit was too much for tennis. You know when the tennis players walk on with that big bag? They've got ten horses in a horse box I wonder if they're walking them for other people and making a

few bucks maybe you know when you sit these people oh with the dog walkers yeah with about seven dogs on a lead

I say what happens if one of those kicks off one of those dogs you're just going to get dragged through the park I think you often

see that hypodermic in the belt loop. If it really comes to it, they will put it, not kill it, but they'll drag it. They know. 275 has given us some information. Morning, the three hips thing is a Navy thing. Oh, OK.

Apparently, they add apparently with the self-confidence of somebody going, I think. But, you know, it. Apparently. They add apparently with the self-confidence of somebody going, I think. Yeah. But, you know, it might be. I wonder why they'd add a hip. They'd like a hip flask, of course. It could be that.

Full of rum. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, well, we'll come back to that. I think we might have... This would be good to get to the bottom of the three hips. The three hips. What a poor vocal group that would be. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Angela Barnes is with us this morning and, of course, Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We were mainly talking about your event last weekend where you performed for the Queen. And like many of your show business stories, it's got the unbelievable quality of a fever dream. But it actually happens but i think everything that happens around the royal family has got that element to it uh i think mainly for regardless of your political views of the royal family the level of celebrity of the queen that's true just forget the rest of the constitutional stuff. Just the celebrity thing

is uplifting. That's what it is. It's easily forgotten, actually, because they're sort of, you know, institutionalised and historical and all that. Biggest celeb in the country. Pretty famous.

Really, really famous. Is there anyone more famous than... Bieber. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'd like to think the Pope. Well, you'd like to.

What about Sting came up to me and Harry Hill at the backstage and said, I ain't got the ukuleles. He said, what song are you going to do? And we said, when I'm cleaning windows. He said, oh, I like... I'll tell you what I like, he's leaning on a lamppost. So I went, I'm leaning on, and he joined in.

So there's me, Harry Hill, and Sting, singing George Formby's Leaning on a Lamppost. And he was really doing it. And I thought, I'll start, we've done enough. So I stopped. And Sting carried on singing he did a cappella he carried on

and I had to come back in again he was determined to get through to the end do you know all the verses he knew a word Sting the whole wow

I mean he's northern he's north east isn't he right but I've never heard him deform me before I don't know he might have an album out Sting transformed me

slipped under the radar would that have been any more surprising than Sting transformed it. Slipped under the radar. Would that have been any more surprising than Sting and Shaggy? No. You're right. Shaggy had a... What was that thing that Shaggy was wearing? He had, like, a thing that... Under his coat, like a white...

I haven't seen it. I haven't seen a picture of him. I imagine the make-up woman would run along saying, Shaggy... No, it was Shaggy. Shaggy, come back. I haven't seen a picture of him. I imagine the make-up woman would run along saying, Shaggy, come back, you've got the cover hanging on you. Oh, was it like a bib thing? No, I don't know what it was. What did you think, Daisy?

It was like a long shirt. A long shirt. Like a night shirt. Straight out of bed. Oh, we grandad dance flannelette night. If only Shaggy had done that. That would have been a booking. And I did what I don't normally do.

I had quite a long chat with Luke Evans. You know him from Beauty and the Beast? No. No. No? Isn't that what he's called? The guy who played... He sang. He's a singer and actor.

Very handsome. We talked at the urinal for quite a long time. See, that's when I'm glad I'm not a man. Urinal conversations. I don't think I could do that. Well, I don't normally do that. But he showed me his beauty and I showed my... Oh, no, no, no.

No, but we... Goodness me. I'm wondering how I've got his name wrong, because Daisy's heard of everybody. Yeah, I thought so. She watches a great deal of television and reads a lot of show business magazines. Yeah, anyway, I think one of my highlights was after the show.

A woman came up to me in the after-show party and said, my name's Claire. I'm an incredibly minor royal. Such a great intro. And I hung out with some of the I was with five cousins, all of whom were

minor royals. Some less minor than others. How posh were they? Pretty posh? Still posh? They weren't they weren't, you know that posh when they? Pretty posh? Still posh? They weren't posh, but they weren't, you know, you know that posh when it becomes a sort of a, you can't understand what they're saying, it wasn't that kind of posh. This is why I didn't know,

when I interviewed Tara Palmer Tomkinson and everyone said, of course, she was completely out of it, I thought she was just posh. Yeah. I thought, it's that sort of, where it could be anything, really. I was at, when I did the polo dinner, and there was one guy there, and he spoke as if he was in great pain.

It was like the words, it hurt them to come out of their mouth and say posh. He might have been, that's the danger. Yeah, yeah, we never would have known. It's like the boy who cried posh. If you were in trouble, then who would know? But they were very nice. I like the minor royals.

Yeah. And they hang out together as a family. How many of us can say that anymore? No. Yeah, that's true. And also I had one of the corgis off the Queen's cake, which I've still got in my fridge. You had one of the corgis off the Queen's cake?

I had a special cake made oh presumably a nice thing rendition of yeah I was thinking the last one the last one passed away recently didn't you

we started with him eating live octopus now he's wolfing down a corgi in front of her majesty oh my god there must be a bar called a corgi

is there a chocolate bar called a corgi bar Yorkie oh maybe that's what I'm thinking of yeah corgi's gas boil'm thinking of, yeah. Corgi's gas boilers, isn't it?

Yeah, you've launched many business plans on here. Yeah, the Corgi bar. Any ginger people or creatures in the public eye, I'm behind, including the Corgis. You call them ginger? They're gingery. Strawberry blonde. I think, I think, auburn. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I've got some information to update you with. We have had an email saying, Hi Frank, Polo players ponies are called that because of height. Ponies are less than 14.2 hands. Horses are larger.

Oh. Every day's a school day. Were they measured in hands? Is it like because of hands? Because in the old days. Yeah. That's how you'd have done it. I'm presuming that's how feet got their name as well.

Yeah. But then there's a lot of variation to be had there then isn't there There is but there was probably a bloke who was brought in I mean if you've got a foot that's a foot That's a big foot isn't it That's a big foot yeah True I've got big feet but not that

I've got big feet for a girl What size are you I'm an eight My dad was only a six That is pretty big yeah Whereas of course as we, Kate Winslet. Nine and a half. Nine, yeah.

Nine and a half. That's one of your... God bless her. One of your big mows for the radio show. Yeah, fantastic. We've also had somebody... I've seen her pick a credit card off the floor with her hands behind her back.

That is good. Somebody has merged our names to Fralange. Frank, Alan, Ange. Farage? Is there a Farage in there? There could be, I suppose, if you sack me. I don't want to sack you. I'm not doing that well, Alan.

I don't want to sack you for a pun. Morning, Fralange. Did the Uke of Edinburgh play a part at the birthday ball? Oh, lovely. Order. Stronger. 3-3-7. Very fine.

We've had an email, and I can't find it now, but somebody, oh, there we are, Matt Hayward, he said that his daughter's school has a polo team. What? How? I mean, we could barely afford enough netballs to go round at my school. That would be bikes. Yeah, but I sort of think if they got the money...

Is that a thing, bike polo? Yeah, there'll be bike polo in the schools. Alsatian polo. It's water polo, isn't there? Oh, there is that. That is very difficult. Much cheaper to keep water than ten ponies. Arguably the fittest athletes at the Olympics, the water polo.

Ten ponies, though, imagine that. athletes at the Olympics. Ten ponies. Imagine that. How do they stack them? In storage. They don't tessellate, do they? There's a word I haven't used for a long time. No, I love them.

Tessellate. I don't know what it means. You tell me. It's when shapes fit together. So like hexagons tessellate because you can... Oh, nice. I don't know about you,

I store quite a lot whenever I store multiple Toblerones I take the packaging off right and interlock feed them into each other nice

you'd be a fool not to yeah I mean just from a saving space point of view I think it's it's a very good thing so Angela what are you up to

at the moment so I'm glad you mentioned that Frank because I'm on tour at the moment I'm doing my first ever tour the moment? So I'm glad you mentioned that, Frank, because I'm on tour at the moment. I'm doing my first ever tour, which is great. But I'm nervous today because... Oh, she's done well.

Oh, thanks. Not everyone came back from Don't Ask Me, Ask Britta. Angela just soared straight through it. Tonight I'm doing a show in my hometown and that's made me nervous. So I grew up in Maidstone in Kent. Oh, OK. And I know Maidstone has a reputation amongst comedians as being a tough gig.

I once spent New Year's Eve in Maidstone. Did you? Why? At a thing called, what was it called? Not Peppermint Reiner. Spearmint Reiner? No. It's called Peppermint something, I think. Peppermint Lounge?

Something like that. Strawberry Moons? Strawberry Moons. No, you didn't go to Strawberry Moons in Batesdale. I did. Many Strawberry Moons ago. No way! And I went upstage.

Upstage. Upstage. What fried make of that? I went upstage. And I, with my girlfriend of the time, and we did tragedy by steps. With all the hand actions that steps used in it. Wow.

Which I just happened to know. And apparently, I think there might still be a picture of me in Strawberry Moons on stage. I'll pop down there tonight and find out. There's so many things that I want to ask you about. Yeah, I remember. Yes, it was a strange night. Obviously, there was a lot of drinking, but not me.

Had you been pre-booked to do your steps routine? No, no, I was there. I was a poncho. It's not a thing that you'd learn. See, you chose to be there. You weren't paid. I'd learnt it. No, I hadn't been paid.

There was no appearance fee. It wasn't like the cheeky girls turning up. I was just in the crowd. I did it boxy, I think is the word. So you were more like that girl from TOWIE. You didn't even get a tenner for turning up. Nothing. Gemma Collins.

Nothing. Yeah, but it was the last crazy old New Year's Eve I think I ever had. I'm so sorry that that's where you had your last hurrah, isn't it? Yeah, but it was all right. I didn't get glassed. That's a win in Maidstone Town Centre on New Year's Eve, to be fair. That's a win. That was my target for the evening.

I remember the woman I drove home, I had to stop for her to be sick out the side door of the car. Legend! She's the queen of Maidstone. Yeah. As she was being sick in the gutter, I remember she broke wind with alarming ferocity.

It was that kind of night. What year was that, Frank? Oh, boy, it was all so simple then. What year would that have been? I wonder if I was there. I could have been there. Yeah? Think yourself lucky.

We had back seats, if required. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Angela was talking about Maidstone, and we've had 902 has texted,

Maidstone rocks, don't diss the stone. Now, let me, in my defence, I think I'm allowed to diss the stone, because I'm from there, it's like a sibling, isn't it? I can diss my brother, but no one else can. Well, I think I'm allowed to diss the stone, because I played... I thought you were going to say you're allowed to diss Angela's brother.

No, I was going to diss the stone, because I played Maidstone up the creek many years ago when they used to have the one. It was horrible. I've heard horror stories. It closed before I started doing stand-up, but I've heard horror stories. No one ever mourns that comedy club closet, I don't think.

I never did, though. I did up the creek in London. They opened a Maidstone branch and, yeah, it was brutal. Although I did a theatre in Maidstone last week that was nice. That has lit. Yes. That's where I am tonight. Oh, it was brutal. Although I did a theatre in Maidstone last week that was nice. That has lit. Yes. That's where I am tonight. Oh, it was nice.

I slept under a bench in the dressing room for over an hour, just on a bit of carpeted floor under a... This is really weird. I walked into the dressing room thinking, where can I sleep? Quite often there's a couch in a dressing room. Nothing. It looked comfier on the floor than balancing on three or four, because I'm tall, chairs. I felt like I might fall off the chairs.

And one thing about the floor is that it's very difficult to fall off whilst asleep. So I just went under the... But I don't know if I've ever been in a dressing room that doesn't have mice. That's what we're worried about. I was going to say that because I slept on the dressing room floor

at the Savoy Theatre. I was doing a show there once. What's going on here? And I had a nap and it was really early in the morning and I was doing Terry Wogan's show at the Savoy Theatre and a mouse, exactly that happened

as I was laying on the floor, a mouse ran past me and I screamed because it just made me jump. At least it went past. It didn't use you as a... As a jumping point. Do you know what I've spent... But then there was a knock on my door.

Do you remember Lee Mead? Yes. The guy who... He was in the dressing room next door and he came and knocked on the door to see if I was all right. Because of the shriek? It was, yeah.

I've been wondering what happened to my mini cheddars for a week. I've heard them call something... You mini cheddars for a week. Oh, yeah, I've heard them call something. You have a nap and they've gone. If they do a film of Alan's tour, when they have the shot of him sleeping under the table, that is not the point to use under pressure. That's the soundtrack.

A lot of people imagine comedians, like, nervously pacing up and down in their rooms. You two are sleeping on the floor. I do pace... I once paced so nervously before a gig I was frightened of that my Fitbit recorded it as exercise. Wow. That's how nervous I was.

That's good. Yeah, yeah. If you're into exercise, if you want the Fitbit points. We know you are. Well, I'm not that bothered, really. I haven't got a Fitbit. I've got a Fitbit. Who?

So last week I did... I don't know. Just the one bit. The rest of me is in a terriblebit. I've got a Fitbit. So last week I did... Just the one bit. The rest of me is in a terrible state. Very good. Get this for arguably bad scheduling. My tour last week, which is now finished, arguably... Mine hasn't. Tickets available. I did Maidenhead one night and Maidstone the next.

It's like whoever was planning it was trying to get me to say the wrong place name on stage in front of people from there. Yeah, that could have been. I just didn't bother. I just said you lot all the way through both of them. That was my tactic. At least you turned up to the right one.

Do you remember when, was it Sean Walsh, the comedian, turned up in Hereford instead of Hartford? Did he? One night. That's quite a long way out. That's problematic. That is. God, I mean, imagine having to wake him up on the floor

And tell him You're not in the audience The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio Back Saturday morning from 8 Tune in live for the full Frank experience Absolute Radio 902 has done a thing that makes me feel slightly depressed. They're trying to scare Angela about her gig.

I'm bringing tomatoes to the hazlet. People always reference tomatoes as a version of heckling or throwing. I mean, just the amount of effort to bring tomatoes to a gig rather than just shout out rubbish. I just hope they're not in tins. Yeah, yeah. Or throw a glass. Or throw a glass.

Throw a glass or a table. Don't give them ideas, Frank. Yeah, just rip up the furniture and throw it towards... Like mob rule. It goes back to the stocks, doesn't it? Yeah, bottom three. The idea of tomatoes. Yeah. Well that's something to look forward

to for me tonight. That's eased my anxiety. Bear in mind they can't just turn up. They've already bought because it's sold out. It's sold out. That's true. Exactly. That'll teach them. We've also had 728 saying wrong about polo ponies. They're bigger than 14.2 but still called ponies. And yes

riders usually have about 5 to ten ponies, which does make it elitist in my book. We struggle to keep two show jumpers. Wow. Well, I mean, I'm finding it hard to sympathise. I'm the same on tour, to be honest. I had five to ten ponies once, but I did have dysentery. I had five to ten ponies once, but I did have dysentery.

I am. Something that we were talking about this morning with Angie Baby. Angie Baby. No, I started singing that song. As soon as someone said, has someone called you Ange or something, I immediately thought of Angie baby. Do you know that? Helen Reddy. I kind of wish she'd set it up

before just calling her Angie baby. Live your life in the songs you hear on the rock and roll radio. It's about... My dad used to sing it to me. It's about a disturbed neighbour. It's about that she's a little touched is one of the lines.

Angie baby. You're a little touched, you know. Angie, babe, you can't say that anymore. Helen Reddy, maybe. Can't get away with murder, Helen Reddy. Is that one of your Helen Reddy thanks for the advice? No, not quite, is it? Almost. Do you know Helen Reddy?

No, it wouldn't quite. It would need to be Helen Sreddy. Yeah, and of course, Angie by the Rolling Stones. Well, that's what I was named after because my dad went to Dartford Grammar School. You told us before you were named after Angie from EastEnders. Get your story straight. No, no, no, no, no.

I wish I was young enough to be named after... No, they used to call me that at school. Oh, okay. You see, that's why I didn't like... But yeah, my dad went to Dartford Grammar School, which is where Mick Jagger went. My dad was there just after him. They called me Dirty Dan at school.

Did they? Only because I made such an awful job of the lion section cleaning. That was what I was known for more than anything. No, anyway, Angela... Was it you or was it Alan? When I walked in, there were mid-conversation about bomb bags. There was an article in the paper that the shell suit's coming back. That's right.

Sir Elton John reading that and thinking, what do you mean, coming back? It went away. What's wrong? I've worn the bottoms with a suit jacket for 15, 20 years. Why wouldn't I? He's got to be careful if he stands anywhere near that candle in the wind.

Yes, indeed. Yes, Angie Baby read out the shell suit article and I mooted that I've been considering a return to the bum bag. Well, I think whenever you get a hot snap, I went out the other day and I just said, like, jeans, T-shirt uh shoes but i only had two pockets in the whole outfit and that's not enough for me because as you get old you need more and more things you know i need me buzzer yeah what if i

have a what if i thought all the stuff yeah so um think, oh, I wonder if I've still got a fanny pack somewhere. Yeah. Which is what the Americans call them. Yeah. And they're on the return. I use one, a little one for when I'm running and it's like an elasticated, but it's a tiny one. But I...

Where does it go though? On your waistband? It's a waistband. Because a lot of people have a sort of a bicep pack. Yeah, I don't like that. I find that irritating. So I've got one that goes around my people have a sort of a bicep pack. Yeah, I don't like that. I find that irritating. So I've got one that goes around my waist so my phone and my keys go in it. But I think you're supposed to wear it at the front but I just feel less

bum baggy if I have the bag bit at the back. Yeah, I just feel I could be pickpocketed there and not know anything about it. Sometimes I put it under my t-shirt but then it just looks like I've got a deformed back. Like one of those cash belts that a tourist would wear underneath all their clothes

I've done that on walking trips so if it's rained I put the coat on over the backpack and it does look a bit weird but I always

bomb bag at the front then if you do get a pickpocket at least there's a bit of a bonus absolute absolute radio

Frank Skinner on absolute radio I live quite near Bill Oddie do you? I guess we all do and he wears a khaki multi-compartmental waistcoat like a fisherman's type scenario.

Now they look... You could have things that you might never hardly ever... Real stuff for a rainy day you could carry with you. Oh, yeah. I like the look of that. There's a real campaign with women's clothes because we don't have pockets in our clothes as much as they do. No, but you have handbags.

Yeah, but they're a pain. I don't like carrying a handbag. But if I carry a handbag... A manbag. A handbag? I know. You're right to be alarmed, Lady Ratnaught. I, um... I know we're in the 21st century now and it shouldn't matter.

But I've never managed the manbag thing. No. See, I have. But I still might go back to bum bag. I just like pockets. I like to have my hands free. Go for combat trousers, as they used to be called. What's wrong with some cargo pants? I've got to be able to wear a dress with big pockets.

You can't get dresses with pockets. You can, but they're rare. You have to seek them out. Well, I took a dog for a walk this week. Not my dog, but I was thinking when I was taking the dog for a walk this week. Not my dog. But I was thinking when I was taking the dog for a walk, if you've got a dog that you take with you regularly, you could use that as a beast of burden.

Oh, yeah. You could have saddlebags. Oh, saddlebags. I was thinking more sled. But why not have saddlebags with your wallet and, you know, your vape? Depends on the dog, I guess. If you've got a sausage dog, you're not going to get much in that, are you? A your wallet and, you know, your vape? Depends on the dog, I guess. If you've got a sausage dog, you're not going to get much in that, are you? A little packed lunch in there.

You get quite a long thing there. Oh, I suppose, yeah. You could put a frankfurter in a bun on there. Yeah. Sausage dog. You could carry a truncheon. If you could teach it. You could use that as the spinal... The spinal bit at the top.

Yeah. You could have that hollow and keep your truncheon in there in case you're attacked. I suppose if you're attacked, you could eat them with a dachshund. If it came. Yeah. Came to it. The children could just be a kosh.

But why not? A dog wouldn't bother a dog to have someone on its back. Yeah, just like a person keys. They'd be all right with that, wouldn't they? In fact, they'd enjoy it. That's what the farmers tell us, that they enjoy the work they have to do. Yeah, they love it.

They love being sheep dogs. And warfare. They love being involved in it. What if the dog ran away, though? Because dogs do run away sometimes. Oh, yeah, you don't want to see your wallet and keys. Not only have you lost your dog, you can't get in your house.

Well, one thing you would have to carry is a harpoon gun. Yeah. In that case, then you could reel it back in. I think I'd just stick with my handbag. Yeah. I don't really...

Believe me, if we could come up with something for the hot weather when you don't have your pockets, we would be doing that. Well, I think we might be onto something with that. Why isn't there a dress that's like Bill Oddie's waistcoat

covered in various pockets? We're not going to wear a dress are we no not me I'm in France 21st century France I know I know what about a Velcro

top hat oh now you're talking you could just stick everything in it not in it just stuck on the outside oh I see

everything you own has got a little patch of Velcro just put it all on your hat it'd take a bit of planning but it'd be worth it

and then when you met someone you'd learn a lot about them wouldn't and just put it all on your hat. It'd take a bit of planning, but it'd be worth it. And then when you met someone, you'd learn a lot about them, wouldn't you? Just by what they've got on their top hat. Yeah, exactly. You'd see their family photo is visible as the wind just opens their wallet. It's all there. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Angela Barnes. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'll tell you who we haven't talked about on the show for a little while,

and I consider him to be a friend of the show, is the Donald, the Donald J. Trump. Friend of the show. Legend. Legend. I don't know if he's actually a legend. Well, he's sorted out North Korea. To be fair, he's brought about world peace.

He's brought about... Potentially, he's brought about some world peace we're living in a parallel universe I mean Donald Trump might have brought about world peace I suggested that might happen, people laughed I mean I was doing jokes about it but people laughed and now he has

but also I mean him and Emmanuel Macron have had what the papers are calling a bromance all week. They held hands for a sustained amount of time. And they went and planted a tree together. And Donald Trump was grooming him at one point for a photograph. He brushed dandruff off his suit, which I think was a power play, personally. That's like gorillas do that to each other, isn't it?

That's the alpha male going, I'll put you in your place, mate. I really think that is what happened. It was textbook. He's like gorillas do that to each other, isn't it? That's the alpha male going I'll put you in your place, mate. I really think that is what happened. It was textbook. He's perfect. I'm just going to make sure that he looks perfect and he brushed this dandruff off him. I would love it if Macron had just gone, yeah, let's make you look perfect. We'll start with the hair. I think Macron is a bit

vain about his hair. You know, there was a kerfuffle in France because in his first three months of office, Macron spent 26,000 euros on hairdressing. What? Yeah. He hasn't got that much hair. I know. He looks alright, man. Was it

an almond kerfuffle? You know what I think it is? I bet you can get one of those in France. I think you'd like an almond kerfuffle. I think Macron might have such a big dandruff problem that it costs like a thousand euros an hour to deal with it. I thought for

one second he said let me just get I thought he was going to take the French flag badge off and just throw it on the floor and say now you're perfect. Because they had that thing which I always find bizarre, is that Trump wore an American flag

and Macron wore a French flag on his lapel. And you think, it's all right, we're not going to get them mixed up. It's not like my child goes to school and has to have his name tags on everything. I know me precedents. I would think of Trump and the flag, his relationship with the flag is weird to me

because he's got so much respect for a flag, more you could say than he does for, I don't know, women, for example. And I thought about, I thought if I ever met Donald Trump,

just to make sure he gave me the respect I was due, I would wear an outfit entirely made from the American flag. Well, you couldn't fire him if he did that. Yeah, because then he'd just, he'd have to respect me.

But they all wear the flag. You know, Barack Obama, he wore the flag badge as well. It's just that, just in case you forgot what country I'm president of. It's all right. You know, we know. The PR's doing a great job. Relax.

Macron upsets me because he's younger than me. Oh, is he? Oh, I hear that. Because suddenly... I think Trump is younger than me. Oh, is he? Oh, I hate that. Because suddenly... I think Trump is younger than me. As is Golda Maia. His hair's younger than you, certainly, but I don't know

what the rest of him is. But it's younger than him, I suppose. Yeah. How old is Macron now? 38, I think. No, I think he's just turned 40. Oh, yeah, he had a big 40th birthday party, didn't he? But see, if Jeremy Corbyn had picked Dandruff

off somebody's lapel, then people would be saying, how marvellous that he's empowered Dandruff sufferers everywhere and brought that issue into the public domain. But of course, everyone thinks Trump's... Are they called Dandruff sufferers or are they called drofferers.

Oh, nice. Drofferers. But suddenly, now, Dan, if you've got dandruff, it's been made... Because I was talking recently on here, what ever happened to dandruff? Oh, I was just going to say that, or whatever happened to it. I thought it had gone. No, it's alive and well, I think, in the business community,

as I pointed out at the time, but now it's gone right to the top of the business world with the world leaders. They think it was lint. You don't normally have one piece of dandruff. Yeah, it's all over. That doesn't constitute dandruff, one flake. I still think it was a power play.

One flake doesn't make a sum. It was absolute... I felt like Attenborough watching it. It was a complete... Like, I'm in charge here. Well, all the handholding and all that was like that. Were they going down steps when he was holding it? Because he can't do that, can he, Trump?

Can't go down steps without holding someone's hand. That's the Daleks. And also, they worked that out in the end, the Daleks. Did they? Yeah, they did. They have the power of flight now. Oh, I never knew that yeah it's quite terrifying

when you see a sky full of Daleks how did the Doctor Who I can't say it Doctor Who Doctor Who Doctor Who community

feel about that development well it's going back a bit I think it would be Remembrance of the Daleks when they first hovered they hovered but no

in the new series as it's called even though it's be Remembrance of the Daleks when they first hovered. They hovered, but now, I mean, in the new series, as it's called, even though it's from 2005 onwards, there was a bit where the sky is full of flying Daleks over New York. Oh. Yeah, so the stairs thing,

but Trumple Stiltskin hasn't worked him out yet. I didn't know that. Hmm? He needs a pair of slinky-based... Oh, yeah. ...og boots. Roll him down the field. That would be great if he listened to this show and just ended up wearing shoes with those giant springs on.

Next time we saw him. I think one bit of credit you have to give to Tromp is such is the level of his celebrity and such is the level of his celebrity and such is the level of his impact that the word Trump now has almost been completely disassociated from flatulence. Yes. He's taken it, he's made it his own

and that was not easy. He has, but when I saw the headline that Donald Trump was planning a visit, I thought that's the best euphemism for I'm about to break wind that I've ever heard. No, that is, yes, I like that. Also, they call Macron the Trump whisperer, which could be another criticism.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. He said at one point, he said that... Donald Trump. Yeah. He said that Macron was, he said that... Donald Trump. Yeah. He said that Macron was going to be a great... He said he's a great president. And then he said, only a prediction.

Yes. Ooh. That's the sort of way that he speaks, isn't it? Yeah, but we kind of knew that. He said he's going to be a great president, only a prediction. Well... Didn't think we knew. Well, we kind of knew that. He's going to be a great president, only a prediction. Well... Didn't think he knew. Well, I think it's Donald Trump tactically thinking,

well, if he now becomes a great president, I can take ownership of it. I spotted him at the start. But if he becomes bad, I can say, well, I had high hopes for him. Yeah. I had high hopes, but he's let me down. I think he's setting up a future power play there.

He really thinks he's president of the world, doesn't he? Well, he is. Well, I suppose, yeah. I think he is, yeah. It's hard to get around it. Leader of the free world. Can you still say that, the free world? Is it the idea that Russia and China are not part of the free world?

They're in chains. Yeah, well... That upsets me. Funny how the chain effect, I could run out the top of this. I mean, these are facts. Fantastic. I'm sorry, they've gone. They've gone, they've gone.

They march a lot faster than they used to. They'll be outside for ten minutes in the old days, like the ice cream vans. I like the fact that Macron took a sapling for them to plant, didn't he? They planted a little tree. And it did feel a bit like it was slightly ageist. What are the old like? Gardening. Let's do some gardening with him.

We can't take him on a rollercoaster. Let's go gardening. A tree from a World War I battle site or something. Yeah, it had some significance. Yeah, the Americans, they'd done some good warring in that area. I think that's how it worked. It used to be a lot of that stuff went on. People would arrive with trees from significant places. I mean, they had very fancy brass shovels.

You wouldn't buy those unless there was a ceremonial tree tradition. They're probably in and out of that White House shed. In and out, say, every six months, somebody brings a tree from some significant place. Yeah. You mark my words. And they did the gardening with their coats on. Donald Trump had his sort of gangster

shin-length Italian kind of crumbly on. He didn't want to be left without pockets. I think you're probably right. Oh, we've had something on that. Actually, apparently this is from Paul. He said only this week he saw a woman walking a Labrador with saddlebags, but she didn't have a harpoon.

That can't be right, can it? You suggested it was fine a minute ago. Now someone else is doing it. Is that a blind person? One rule for you. Is it the harness thing? Maybe. Because if a blind person's dog, Is it the harness thing? Maybe.

Because if a blind person's dog, I mean, that's begging for a saddlebag on the side. Yeah. Just don't leave any biscuits or anything in there. You know what they're going to be like? They'll turn themselves inside out, the dogs. Imagine the nightmare of having biscuits just over your shoulder. My cousin's cat once, they bought, you know cats and catnip?

Yes. And they bought him a catnip toy for Christmas and wrapped it up and put it under the tree with all the other presents. The next morning they came down and there was just cat dribble over all the presents trying to get to the catnip. I find presents are easier to transport when they're covered in cat dribble. They sort of come out all in one piece. You can drag them like a... You know those

nets that you see with bottles on, glass orbs that they throw in the sea? They come out like that. Nice. With fabulous mozzarella cheese-like spit keeping them all together. Is it safe, cat spit?

Is that going to make you blind or something? I don't know. Cat the other end isn't safe, but I don't know, spit. Is that right? Cat the other end? Cat the other end. I'm trying to be polite.

She was good on the X Factor. She was right to change her name. I think deal is a bit more... Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. I think daily's a bit more... Imagine if after all the handshaking and I'm going to say heavy petting between Trump and Macron, imagine if they both just eloped and left their wives for each other.

That would be a great story. If they actually properly... They wouldn't have to give up their presidency, would they? I don't think so. Not in this day and age. Maybe, you know, 50 years ago they might have had to, but I think no. I think long-distance relationships are difficult and I suppose there would be some public interest, I think.

I think age-wise, I was going to say age gap, but actually Macron's wife is in her 60s, isn't she? Yeah, I mean, Trump's... I mean, he's 70-something, so he might be a bit... She's in great shape. Oh, God, that makes you feel sick. Is that why you said that? Because she's older.

I think you did. I think you were saying, you know, oh, she might be old, but well done, not bad. It's just vile. Turn to the paparazzi and say, age ain't nothing but a number. Am I right, guys? So it's the way he was, he sort of looked her up and down and said,

you're in great shape, you know, beautiful. Basically what he meant was, I would. Didn't he? That's what that meant. But I think that, I mean, how old is Trump? He's about 70. He's 70 something, yeah. 72 maybe, I don't know.

I think for a lot of men, and I speak as an older man myself does that you know there's that time when you suddenly think no hold on what am I saying

it does take a while to sink in I'm not saying it's sunk in yet for yourself or for Donald no with me I think it has

right as a professional broadcaster one has to have standards but as a president of the America you can get away with all sorts. He'd never done any broadcasting before. Oh.

I think he's a work in progress as far as that's concerned. He's not as bad as he used to be. No? I don't know. He's not going to, you know, old dogs and new tricks. He's not going to suddenly start. Old dogs can learn new tricks. He's coming to visit. We should be...

Listen. That's a ship coming up the river. Oh, you've been doing that quite recently. Good for you. Old dogs, new tricks.

Donald Trump is coming to the UK. They're talking about the protests and stuff that might happen. I think the best thing you can do is just nothing, because that would really rile him.

I think the protests may be somewhat misguided, but, yeah, they're probably going to do that. I think with the protests, the only thing that worries me is now we've turned our back on Europe, is if we upset him when he comes over and he says, OK, I won't trade with you anymore, we'll all end up living by the outpipes of tinned fruit factories living on scraps.

We'd have nothing. Have you ever thought about writing a dystopian novel? I don't know, maybe I will. But he could do that. The outpipes of tinned fruit factories. Can you imagine him? He sees one effigy burning and he says, OK, that's the end of any trade with us whatsoever.

Or he might even go a stage further and go, nothing for England, just Scotland, which I've always loved. And then, you know... Or just pick a completely random, just Dumfries. Oh, he could. I wouldn't put it past him. You know that with a bunch of people, if you're nice to one, you can cause unrest. You could do that.

Divide and rule, yeah. Is there anything that we export to America that they just couldn't live without? I can't think. Jam? Haggis? Actually, they can't send haggis because of the awful... Worcester sauce? Yeah, maybe.

They could live without that. I reckon they could. They've got loads of condiments over there. I hope he doesn't tell the Queen she's in great shape. Oh, God! I hope they could. They've got loads of condiments over there. I hope he doesn't tell the Queen she's in great shape. Oh, God! I hope he does. And it's brilliant that he's coming on Friday the 13th. It's all building up.

There will be an enormous protest. Especially now Arsene Wenger is gone. There's a lot of people kicking their heels with something else to get their teeth into. And I think he might get the worst of it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Shall we talk about Tom Cruise? I'm always happy to talk about Tom Cruise. Let me ask you a question. He's a fascinating figure. Can I ask you a question about Tom Cruise? There was a time when Tom Cruise. Let me ask you a question. He's a fascinating figure. Can I ask you a question about Tom Cruise? There was a time when Tom Cruise... I mentioned Michelle Pfeiffer when we were

chatting before the show today, and there was a time when Michelle Pfeiffer was definitely in the Beautiful Woman chair, so I would call it. So if you wanted to do a joke about a beautiful woman, you would have said Michelle Pfeiffer. If you wanted to do a joke about a sexy man, for a long time it would have been Tom Cruise.

Yeah. Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise. I'd say Brad Pitt took his crown, I'd say. Yes. Who is it now, then? Oh, one of the Ryans. Gosling. Ryans.

Oh. Oh, yes. The Gosling. The Gosling is... Gosling. He is four. Yeah. Tom has the advantage.

He's a sort of a travel version. Tom Cruise. Like those little toothbrushes he wouldn't be any problem with Tom on the plane and that he's not moaning about leg room do you think Tom Cruise has moved from the sort of handsome male lead chair to the

small person chair maybe yes Ronnie Corbett vacated it Ronnie Corbett's died and Tom Cruise has died a lead chair to the small person chair. Maybe, yes. Ronnie Corbett vacated it. Yes, Ronnie Corbett's died and Tom Cruise's died. I think that's probably right. They played a little bit of merry-go-round. Because the short person chair, you couldn't put Warwick Davis in there, obviously.

For political reasons. There's a cut-off point. So did it go Napoleon, Corbett, Cruise? I think so. Yeah, probably Jimmy Clitheroe was in there somewhere, but I don't want to be picky. I don't know who that is. No, exactly.

He was a popular short person in the old days. Mainly on radio, so that was wasted. Interesting. Different times. Yeah, different times. But Tom Cruise is in the news, we should say. That rhymes. Yeah, I do a lot of my work.

Alan raps at this time every week. Did you not know? It's one of my things. OK. He tried the same stunt 106 times, apparently. I couldn't quite get in the story why they did it 106 times because it didn't seem to dwell on the 105 failures in any way. It seemed like it was a boast.

You know what I was saying last week, that you ask people if they've seen a film and they say, I've seen it 20 times, and they mean seven. Right, yeah, yeah. I'd say he did this 17 times. I'm sure there would be a duty log, though. Surely there's some fact-checking. At what point do you go,

if he's taken me 106 times to get it right, maybe I'm not very good at this and it's time to get a man in. Let's get a stuntman. The stuntman must hate him, don't you think? Also with a little man like Tom, it was a parachute jump, wasn't it? Yeah. You had to free fall.

It was a danger he might go upwards instead of downwards. He was six foot when he started. It's called a halo, which is an acronym for high altitude, low opening. So it's loads of falling. You know, the fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, and then whoop, oh, parachute. I think it's that.

That was the stunt. But how long would it take to do that 106 times? Because you've got to land. Still got to land. Well, each one, they said they had to do that 106 times? Because you've got to land. Still got to land. Well, each one, they said they had to do loads of planning for each jump. So it's not like you could just do one thing. They can't have done 106. My question is, what was the insurance premiums on that?

Because I went to get my car insured. Insurers love him. Well, yeah, when I tried to get my car insured, because I do stand-up, if you tell them you're a comedian, it costs a fortune because they think you're going to have

famous people in your car potentially 100% agree so it's really expensive so I can't afford my car insurance what was his Tom Cruise

person said to me well first of all you do a lot of like driving and there is a drink and drugs problem I said okay he said and also

you know say if you give Terry Wogan a lift home. I said, but you know, we get cars. You don't know we get cars. Cars come and take... Terry Wogan's not saying, you're not going my way, are you? How does that happen?

I've got a Skoda Fabia. No one famous is getting in the back of my Skoda. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to have given Terry Wogan... I would have happily given him a lift home, but it just is no need. He wouldn't have yeah they googled me whilst i was trying to get motorbike insurance once they said oh hang on a second we're just gonna have to google you because you said you're in entertainment i said barely and then and they went off and googled and came back and said ah

it's going to be more expensive because we've googled you see the internet that reminds me what i would have got i tried to think the abuse they read edinburgh to london i was doing the going to be more expensive because we've googled you see the internet that reminds me i once got a flight to think the abuse they read edinburgh to london i was doing the edinburgh fringe and i had to fly down to london to do a gig and fly back again and um and i on the way to london i lost my passport i left it on the plane so flying back to edinburgh again i was really panicked because it's not international all you need is a photo ID. And I didn't have anything because everything was in Edinburgh. And in the end, they let me on the plane. I showed them a clip of me on YouTube.

Wow. Doing Russell Howard's Good News because it has my name on the backdrop. And they accepted it and let me on the plane. That should not be acceptable, ID. Well, I had to show ID to get into the Albert Hall for the Queen's birthday party. They wouldn't accept my over-60s travel card. Really? They said that's not proper

photo ID. Well, it's got my name and the photo on it. That seems a shame, though. Luckily, a man said it's alright, I know him, security guy, otherwise I could have been stranded. Could still be there now. Ages. Queen got in, she's older than me. know him as a security guy, otherwise I could have been stranded. Could still be there now. Ageists.

Queen got in, she's older than me. What, did she just hold up a pound coin? Yeah, just stamp. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. What's the motivation, would you say, for doing your own stunts? Ego. Yeah.

Can't be anything else, can there? Not a single thing. You're doing someone out of a job for a start-up who's paid. I did a thing where I played Johnny Cash recently. Oh, yeah. And there's a bit where I have to be kicked by an ostrich and fly through the air and land on my back.

And they got... Bernie Clifton. No, he was the ostrich. I said, obviously I said, well, I'm not doing that. And they said, no, no, you're not doing it.

You're alright, he'll kill you. So we got a bloke coming in. So the stuntman comes in to look like me, so he's got the same outfit on. He's like 28. Right. Dashingly handsome. Stomach like a rock.

Oh, that must have been good for the ego, Frank. No, it was a nightmare, because I just thought, that's what I ought to be. That's what I ought to look like. Right. And this is... It was like, you know, Plato had this thing

that everything on Earth has got a perfect version of it in a sort of a heaven. It was like that. It was like I was the product from this perfect ideal of what I should be. Good night. Tune in next week for more Plato references. How old is Tom Cruise?

Oh, guessing game. 8, 12, 15. How old is Tom Cruise? He's got to be in his 50s now, hasn't he? I should think so. He still looks good, to be fair. He's small but beautifully marked. Great shape, as Trump might say.

I mean, he could have come to an umbrella. Poppins it. Yeah. Yeah. Poppins it. Yeah. Yeah. I just think, I think I once saw him abseiling on Nicole Kidman. So he's fearless.

He's absolutely fearless. I'm very risk averse. I won't wear shoes with heels, particularly not if I'm on stage because I just think if I walk on stage and fall over, nothing I say could ever be funnier than that. Somebody falling over is the funniest. You just have to get up and go, thank you very much, good night.

Hank Williams, I think, fell off a stage and did his backing and never quite got over it and had to take painkillers and that resulted in his untimely death. Falls can really hurt. Yeah, falling off stage is not good. At what point does falling over become having a fall?

Because now I'm in my 40s, I think I'm right to have a fall. Well, if you think about falling off stage, it's not dissimilar to being hanged. Yeah. You know, you're on stage and then you drop. Apart from the rope around the neck, that's the only thing that makes it worse.

What happened to the GC? Didn't she fall down through a stage? She did. She didn't even get ten quid for turning up. Never even got a tenner for turning up. Feel for her. I just don't know what makes you do that 106 times. There's things you try, like

I try to eat melon because I'm not fussy with food at all. I love all food and I pride myself in that but I just hate melon. Right. But I think you try, like, I try to eat melon, because I'm not fussy with food at all. I love all food and I pride myself in that, but I just hate melon. Right. But I think I should like it, and it makes me cross that I don't. And I must have tried melon,

that's the only thing I can think of that I've done 106 times, just to check that I still don't like it. I get that with food that I don't like. I keep trying, and it's partly a morbid fantasy that I'll be at a buffet and it'll be free and I won't like it. So I will keep going. I mean, that'd be horrible, wouldn't it? I've got over so many foods that I didn't like.

Sushi I used to hate. I think it's good to persevere with the tropical fruits. You don't want to hear them all? No, no, no. I thought I'd stop you there. Let's just imagine a dot, dot, dot on the airwaves. Garlic, mushrooms. No, but if you persist with the tropical fruits,

and then you are shipwrecked in some way, cast adrift on a desert island, you're off. I suppose monkey flesh would be a good one to get into. We started with squid and that is to catch monkeys so just by a tree you need something just softly softly

oh nice that I believe is the technique oh I bowed down thank you so much for listening thank you Angela thank you for having me

I've had a lot of fun it was lovely to have you on and go and see Angela on the rest of her tour which is in Maidstone, sold out, but a lot of people won't turn up because you've offended them. Yes, and happy tickets returns tonight at the Hazlet.

Bring your tomatoes. But you're all over the place. I am. And you'll have a website and Twitter. Are you on that Twitter? I'm on that Twitter, at Angela Barnes on Twitter. There you go, Angela Barnes. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.