The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Calyx

Episode Date: August 26, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Why are Formula One Drivers so weird? What's the bottom of an apple called and how wrong did Frank get Cathy's Birthday...just a few of the things Frank, Emily and Steve discuss this week.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us today. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. The brilliant Steve Hall, as he was described on the intro to this show. That was lovely, wasn't it? I've made it into the trails. Yeah. Alan's going to be furious. I don't think we've got to mention him.

No, we didn't. He said something about something something Skinner and the Emily Bird. I don't think he said that. That's what they say. Get him the sack. It's Absolute Radio, home of the bird. I think he mentioned my name. It was like the way you'd sort of big up a fat kid at a sports day. The brilliant Steve Orle.

It's nice to see him try in. Sorry, I thought you were talking about me for a second. Frank? Steve is not a beast, can I say. Not that that would make him a bad person. Oh, Frank. See what he looks like? He looks like...

Somebody stop him! If you know the Despicable Me movies, he looks like Vector from Despicable Me, if he'd lived. What? I think he did live, but he went on the moon. But if he carried on living on Earth, he got a bit older.

Remember Vector? Steve. Steve. Sorry, I'm starting to address in the listeners individually. I think that's the way I get people's attention this time of the month. And confusingly calling them Steve. Most of them are called Steve. Are they?

What do you think? Do you think that's our average reader name, Steve? Well, I'm told our average reader is 38 years old with a black to a t-shirt and white, don't look green flash trainers with a hangover. Really? Now, if you don't fit that, don't switch off. I'm just,

this is just a meme, you know, it's just an average. That's making, someone's there who precisely matches it and it's really confusing his hangover. Yeah, Steve. that'll be Steve hi Steve this week's texting by the way

why are Formula One drivers always a bit weird you see him interviewed you think what's the matter with him

people I wouldn't let babysit for me number 11 Formula One drivers what is it what's the matter with them People I wouldn't let babysit for me, number 11, Formula One drivers. What is it? What's the matter with them? Just a bit off, you know what I mean?

A bit off kilter. Anyway. They're the sort of people that, yeah, they turn up at a dinner party and you think... No, they don't turn up at a dinner party. Oh, no, Gerhard's here. I think they'd sit on the car park, just looking at the steering party. Oh, no, Gerhard's here. I think they'd sit on the car park,

just looking at the steering wheel. Or they do... Was it Nicholas Anelka who, when he was unhappy at Arsenal, used to drive around? No, it was someone else. No, that was Carney. Carney, we discussed him. Sorry, on the show, I do apologise. Sorry, Carney.

Not, strictly speaking, a Formula One driver, though. No, but they were Arsenal strikers. I'm sorry. I brought them into it. Frank, we've heard from the outside world, Tom Lawrence says, Formula One driver there. No, but they were Arsenal strikers. I'm sorry. I brought them into it. Frank, we've heard from the outside world. Tom Lawrence says, does Frank realise it's illegal to carry salt in your pocket

if you intend to throw it at people? I don't know what you're talking about. Next. What about... But I eat a lot of hard-boiled eggs. So I think I could make that stand up in court. Yeah.

Could you say you're worried about slugs? Yeah. Yeah? Although I've never, I think that's really

horrible. It's a horrible, horrible. As a method of killing slugs. I mean, they're very squashable. Oh, I've done

the salt method. It's cruel, isn't it? Oh, I think they writhe in pain. You can see the horn. You know the horn eyes?

Are they eyes? There's two things on the front of a slug and snail. Are they eyes or are they antennae? Oh, I thought they were antennae. Why do you need antennae if you've got a shell on your back? Does the slug have the antennae? Oh, they're sort of squashed in one, aren't they? No, they have the antennae.

They come out when you drop the salt on it. Oh, do they? In a sort of... Oh! Maybe they were trying to read your licence plate. That's why their eyes come out. So they can report you for assault. Fantastic.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Has there ever been a really good song with the word sex or sexy in the title? Not to my memory. Right Said Fred. Is that a really good song?

Get out. George Michael's. I want your sex. The word George Michael's was enough for me. No. Oh, God rest his soul. Oh God, I don't, look I respect his human essence but I mean, I like his music.

As I believe they say in the Caribbean. It was my girlfriend's birthday this week. Yes. How did it go? Well, I think I basically had a bit of a fail. Did you? Did you have an epic fail? I had an epic fail.

I thought, can I just say I did quite well, I thought. You did brilliantly. Now, Emily sent a video which was hilarious. I mean, I properly lol. Lol. Lol. Lol cream

from 10cc. That's how much I lol'd. It was, should I say what it was? Yeah, please do. It was a sort of dating video with Emily transformed into a man.

I had a beard from a Snapchat filter. And it was very, very good. I tell you what was particularly good about it is that you being one of those basic blokes in it and you actually used the phrase, for my sins, which I really, really enjoyed.

I mean, that is right up there. We ought to have a feature. Remember that song, well, the games people play, is there a bit called The Things People Say? Maybe there isn't. Yeah.

But there are certain, I would put that for my sins, I'd put that in the same bracket as, on a couple of occasions, I've walked into a shop or a pub and someone said, what can I do you for? And it's up there with that.

I've been up since silly o'clock. Oh, do I know that one? Oh, do you? That's very good. Tomorrow morning, got to get up at silly o'clock. Not with me, mate. I quite like that one. Do you?

Especially if I'm ever on holiday in the silly aisles. I shall use it. But Frank, you've only just heard it. It gets old. Ah, what about text two to tango I don't mind that is it true

I think I could put together a reasonable tango on my own let's not forget when Colin what's the name

of the hurdler Colin Jackson Colin Jackson and Erin Bogue danced with I like that you remember Erin Bogue Oh, yeah. Colin Jackson. Colin Jackson and Erin Bogue danced with... I like that you remember Erin Bogue's name but not Colin Jackson. Yes, that showbiz.

And they danced with mannequins on the final of Strictly. Oh, wow. That was the jump the shark moment. And were mocked, roundly mocked and condemned by the judges. And while they were condemned, they had to stand there with these horrible limp mannequins hanging off them. Brilliant.

And the tabloids would probably have suggested that the mannequins were having a secret relationship. Yeah. They're ruined. Good use of the tabloids. They're in bogus relationship. I also, I booked a massage for Kath was my main gift.

Yeah, that was... Which I thought was a good idea. That was very good. And Frank did a very sweet thing, which was, in the manner of a kidnapper with a hostage, he took a photograph of the note saying, this is the massage that's been booked, just to prove that it happened.

When we got into the... When we stayed at a lovely, posh hotel for Kath's birthday, and there was a thing on the table saying this, you know, this is waiting for you, the massage. So I took a photo of it. It's the kind of person I am. Anyway happened with your gift actually speaking of old phrases kat said something after the um massage there was a a sort of a very physical part of it where she said it hurt like bilio which i hadn't heard for a very long time. And then I started thinking about it.

I really dwelt on it. That night in bed, I was thinking, that comes from Billy O. I arrived with the theory, you know, hear me out. It's a reference to Billy Ocean's Love Really Hurts Without You. Any info on that?

I-12-15. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had quite a strong response to you saying no good songs with sexy in. Quite a few people have said, do you think I'm sexy by Rod Stewart? 327.

That just proves my point. No, I think you'll find Paul the chauffeur. Did I say, did I miss out the word good? Paul the chauffeur says, Roz Stewart. Okay. So, I'm not familiar with Roz Stewart's back catalogue. Look, I loved her.

There are many Rod Stewart's tracks I've loved, especially in the early days, the sort of old raincoat every picture days. But Do You Think I'm Sexy, I'd say, was the beginning of the end, wasn't it? I don't know. I like the way it's got... I mean, it's a bit needy as a song title.

Yeah, it is. Does my bum look big in this? Just to show you think you'd be ultra confident, but no. His next song is Would You Still Love Me If I Was Fat? Was his career ruined by Britt Eklund? Does my bum look big in this? You'd think he'd be ultra confident, but no. Would you still love me if I was fat? Was his career ruined by Britt Eklund? Remember, this is in the days when people, if a bloke went wrong, they usually blamed the woman.

Yoko Ono being the... Yeah, Yoko Ono. Mike Tyson, Robin Givens. Which woman brought down your favourite mouth start? At 12.15. Yeah. Dave Bryant has emailed the show to say... Dave Bryant who makes Swan Vest as matches. Quite possibly.

He said a phrase that particularly annoys him is shopkeeper saying, thanking you. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, thanking you. Ding-a-ding-a-ding. What about... There's an emphasis i object to and you only get it in shops and you walk in and they say do you need any help at all oh yeah

they do why are you saying it like that in any other area of your life you wouldn't put help help would be the star of that sentence wouldn't it do you need any help at all do you need any help at all yeah i suppose there's other things you might want to do with help other than need it. Yeah, it's always in clothes shops. Stop it. Oh.

Well, I... That's a new section of the show. Stop it. I work with a tour manager who we were doing a gig in, I think, Coventry, and he said, just for the sake of saying it,

I don't think we'll go via a Stratford-Youpon of on. Of course we won't go via that. You've said that because you got a laugh with that once in the 80s and you've said it ever since. Anyway, God bless you. It's a nice blog, as it turned out. I had a text about slugs as well, Frank. Oh, yeah. Not the most glamorous moment of my career,

but dear Frank, Emily and Steve, a good way to kill slugs... Oh. ..is a beer trap using slugs... Oh, I've heard of that, yeah. ..from your local in an old yoghurt pot. Compostable when done and slugs die happy. I've heard of that, yeah.

Do any of us die happy? Come on. Yeah, exactly. How do you know the slugs die happy. I've heard of that. Do any of us die happy? Come on. Yeah, exactly. How do you know the slugs will die happy? Because they've had alcohol. Exactly. Oh, yeah, that made me really happy. Slugs die happy. Maybe that's why they don't like the salt.

They think they're a third of the way to a tequila and they're furious. Slugs die. You have to put a bit of lemon out. Yeah. Yeah, it's like that's how it is with them, you see. It's like in pubs they sell crisps to make you thirsty. Bit of salt down to get them.

What can I do with a beer? Hold on. What's that in the yoghurt pot? Oh, yeah. No, don't kill slogs. Look, I don't want to be the Brian May of slogs. What is it he likes? Badgers.

And also I don't want their last moments to be inebriated. No, I don't. It's a terrible way to go. Yeah. Famous celebrities whose last moments were inebriated. 8, 12, 15. Yes. So this is the problem with Kathy.

It was the day before her birthday. They were having a big wedding, so they put up this enormous marquee. Oh, at the venue, yeah. At the hotel. Yeah. And then Kath said, look, I need to ask you a question. Is that marquee, is that for me?

No, but I've got you some leggings from Gap. In fact, oh, but I've got you some leggings from Gap. If that can... Oh, man. I mean, it was such a... No, it isn't. Oh, no. I hadn't made anything like those kind of preparations, but suddenly the bar had been set incredibly high, as they say in the snail world, when there's a really big yoghurt pot.

I mean, it's getting into marquee territory, Frank. Oh, no. I mean, the next morning we go for an apple with a match sticking in it for a birthday cake and she thought it was going to be a marquee. It's like the beginning of a rom-com. It's like the opening scene of a film where you then have to make the wedding happen

in 24 hours I have to go out and buy a marquee oh I'd have loved that film I could have phoned the Marquis of Bath or something and got him to come and said it's just a case of pronunciation do you know what

the lead singer of the fall yeah Marquis he should have gone into the tent business. I reckon if you'd have called me, next time that happens, I think I could pull off an event with 24 hours notice. Who needs Annika Wright? 8.12.15.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had a missive from 500. Oh, yeah? That'll be Steve. I once went to a job interview and was offered the job, but I had to turn it down, as when wishing my potential new boss a good weekend,

he responded with, I'll try my worst. That's Ruskin. Oh, Ruskin. Ruskin. Nice to Ruskin. Ruskin. Nice to know he's still around. Didn't he also run out of the house screaming on his wedding night?

Yes, when he saw his wife naked. Anyway, yes. Yes, that's probably not the same Ruskin. Well, it might be. We've had Andy says he hates it when people

of a certain age refer to you as my friend. Oh, yes. He thinks that that's a sign that they obviously detest you. He sounds like you, Frank. I used to text... Every time Kevin Phillips had a good game for West Brom, he's a well-known striker, Steve, you know?

I do, he plays for Southampton for all. And he used to text me back, Cheers, pal. No capitals and no punctuation. And I used to text me back, cheers pal no capitals and no punctuation and I used to think but to not get a capital on the cheers you have to actually yeah

so a lot of conscious decision going into that he was like E.E. Cummings the poet he was just anti anything of an upper case I think that was one of his favourite poems. I seem to remember poets, I think he told me. So apart from the marquee misunderstanding,

was it a good birthday? Well, I bought her some leggings and she said, I can't wear these leggings. Why? Because of the material. And I said, aren't all sports leggings made out of roughly the same? She said, no, no no these really make you smell oh

so it was a bit awkward so we relit the match on the apple to get rid of the smell so I mean it was so that was that present shot down did you have cake no we had the apple

Kath won't ate cake. Oh. I don't think... I think you'll find women don't eat cake since about... I do eat cake. 2008. I think they stopped. I just thought it was a birthday.

They might have a nice gluten-free. No, no. Apple, Matt. She didn't even eat the apple. Was it easy to get the candle into the apple, is it? Well, I went down... What's the opposite end to the stalk called you know the sort of black yeah the reverse angle there's a little black it looks like a

tiny black tea towel holder i know that the other side but you are the only person that buys someone apple products for a birthday and it's an actual apple Well I didn't buy it it was a fruit bowl I know what you mean Frank it's like, how can we describe it really? What is the other end of the apple? The asterisk at the bottom of the apple Lovely. The apple's bomb, let's call it that That'd be a good name for a pub

Apple's bomb. I don't want Gwyneth Paltrow texting in and saying, mind your own business. I'll shout you out. It looks all right, the match in the apple, if anyone's looking for a quick birthday idea. I don't think they'll be taking that advice. If there isn't a marquee to...

It's hard. So hang on, is it just a one match? I'll tell you what, I've got a photograph of it. Oh, can we put it up on the socials? Certainly. I took a picture of it and I am such a naturally good photographer. No, I have very few absolute purely natural skills,

but I am a brilliant photographer. When I say this, as are most people. No, I have very few absolute purely natural skills, but I am a brilliant photographer. When I say this, as are most people. Yeah. Photography is the last refuge of the scoundrel. I mean, I think when photography is called an art form, I find that absolutely laughable. I think anyone with 10 minutes training can be a professional photographer.

Oh, dear. But anyway, I'll show you the picture I took with an iPhone, and it's like a Caravaggio painting, and it's an apple with a match in it. Really? Yeah. Fantastic. Yeah, there you go.

I think I've sorted all that out. We'll put that up for you guys, and I'll be waiting for the... Oh, God, there's an apple. Steve! Yes, Steve? Get your phone on. They're going to put a picture of an apple with a match in it.

I'll be there. Stop feeding the slugs yoghurt and beer. They don't feed them yoghurt. I know. That's just a receptacle. If he isn't paying attention, what chance have we got with Steve? We've had a strong response to the picture of your birthday apple.

Oh, really? Daniel has tweeted, it's art. Yeah, there you go. Thank you. Whereas Ian has tweeted, council toffee apple. Good, though. Good if you allow the council thing, I suppose. And 977 has said an apple's bum is called a calyx. Unless it could be a caly and she's put a kiss on the end.

But calyx, C-A-L-Y-X. It wouldn't be a caly. Calyx sounds right, doesn't it? Calyx sounds like one of Asterix's friends. I'm going to write that down. Yeah. Calix. And we've also had an email from Claire with a whatever happened to.

She said, hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. Sorry about that, stupid orcs. That's fine. I'm happy to be Alan. No, is that the whatever happened to? Alan Cochran. She says, whatever happened to seeing men with bits of tissue stuck on shaving cuts? Yes, you know what, I think I've discussed this before, but that's fine.

Because we've been on 10 years. We're on the same page, Claire. Yes, that has gone. Now, you say bits of tissue. In the early days, when my dad used to do it, it used to be a bit off the newspaper. Really? Mainly because we didn't have tissue in the house.

I'll let you work the rest out. So if he'd really cut himself, he would look like a weird ransom note. And was it considered normal to go out in polite society with white bits on your face? No, the idea was that you carefully took them off before you left the house, but sometimes people forgot

that was the idea. It's, um, what's the word soot, soot, when you do something with a cot, sutured. Suture. Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

Probably isn't right. Well, no, it is. John Suchet. Suture. Suture is the stitches, isn't it? John Suchet, if it was named after those bits of tissue. Sutures is the stitches, I believe. Suture is the stitches. Because my dog had them on his nether regions.

Suture. Really? Yeah. He's not the man he was. Have you shaved him? Oh, has he been done? He's been done. Oh, I thought you'd shaved him.

Is he furious? Got drunk and shaved him. We've all done it. We've all done it. Come on. They love it. He's not furious, no. I had this idea.

Much nicer. I had an idea this week that if you put any name into the internet, you could discover, you know, just discover somebody new. And you might really find interest in a fashion. Okay, what sort of thing? Just any name, any random name. That's going to be every name is going to be represented. As in just a single name or just a full name?

Dave Reynolds. You'll find a Dave Reynolds. Or just make it up, like Leslie Pikachu. Yeah, exactly. That's my name. And I thought, whoever it is, they're going to be on there. And there might be some really interesting people who I wouldn't have discovered otherwise.

Yeah. And I'm always, you know, I used to walk into HMV and stuff and think, I bet there's sort of recording artists in here who would change my life and I'll always you know I used to walk into HMV and stuff and think I bet there's sort of recording artists in here who would change my life and I'll never hear them

so I'm always so I tried this so I put in Steve Welk nothing another theory gone this is

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We've had a communication from John Verity on the subject of phrases he hates people using Now that's a good one to Google I think there'd be some John Verity Some rich results in that

It's a good name It's sort of John Truth I suppose Lovely Like a Pilgrim's Progress character It is, yeah He says he hates it if you ask someone. I think he must be, he's clearly referring to someone very specific

that if he says, how are you doing, they will always reply, not three bad. Oh, yes, I know that one. Yeah, we do that on the show, yeah. That's a popular one. That's one of our favourites here. How are you diddling? Not three bad.

And of course, here we are going. Which I think is only in the west midlands yeah i had an idea i was sitting in a in a in a large restaurant with my child and i said to him if you had a gun and you could shoot anything in this restaurant i mean not people but anything else what would it be and he looked around he said oh i think maybe brick on that, that oddly coloured brick on the wall. I said, oh, I'd go for that lampshade on the upper. And we sat there for about half an hour. And I thought, is there a game?

It's a TV show in this. I know people. I want children shooting. I know people who work in television. There's an area of television, some of you may not know, called development. And if you say to someone,

it's a bit cold today, they say, there's a programme in there. Temperature. It's variety. They're writing it down now. They're constantly looking. Kids shoot the funniest bricks. Yeah. And I thought this, it was very satisfying though. Just the idea of having, not killing

people, ever, but just shooting stuff and it exploding. I find that caveat very touching. Yeah, ever, but just shooting stuff and it exploding. I find that caveat very touching. Yeah, exactly. I just want to make it absolutely clear. My dad, at his elder brother's wedding, got a little bit carried away and shot loads of his wedding presents. With what? Did you say a little bit carried away, like Frank Spencer?

He had an air rifle to wedding. Isn't there a Smith song called... Air rifle at a wedding, I know, I know. It's Syria. Actually, it was a BB. I think that was a BB. So he got the air rifle out. Yeah, and they talk about it like it's... We've got to go now. Shut up now.

It's a break. The producers put the fares next to me. We've got to move on. Also, I don't want to know about your terrible... Who was it, your dad? Violent dad. Violent dad. Love you, dad.

Another good night for a band. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text us on 81215.

Many have. Yeah. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Many have, and one has to say he's spotted you, hasn't he Frank? Indeed, Michael Golden has tweeted to say, I would love to know what books Frank bought at Oxfam Books

yesterday. This is the modern world, isn't it? It's like East Germany. You can't have an affair these days. I mean, not that you would anyway. Not with my niece. No. I No, not that you would anyway. Not with my knees. No. No, I bought...

I bought Personae, which is a collection of short poems by Ezra Pound, and I bought a book which is a collection of essays on British poetry since 1960. Since you asked. For bargain prices. For bargain prices. For bargain prices. But I don't like to think I'm getting a bargain

out of the poor Africans. I'm afraid you are. I always put a bit of extra in the tin. Put the change in the tin. That's nice. That extra penny is so useful. I think so. So, yes, that's what I bought.

But it is a funny old world where people say, what about when I got in and Kat said to me, what were you doing in Superdrug? I had to show her an itemised list. There was none on there, in case you're wondering. I did a gig once with Mark Little, who played Joe Mangle in Neighbours. Yes, Frank and I went to see him in something, in a show.

I think we saw him in Little Talks Monsters and Men. We saw him doing that, didn't we? We saw him. I can't remember. It was something about cavemen. Yeah, something about cavemen. He quite earnestly said to me, Steve, people need to understand, I am not Joe Mangle.

And then I typed in Joe Mangle on Twitter and you get an exact match of his day because everyone's just tweeting, I can't believe I've just seen Joe Mangle on Twitter and you get an exact match of his day because everyone's just tweeting, I can't believe I've just seen Joe Mangle in the shops. I can't believe I've just seen Joe Mangle crying in the street, shouting at people. He is a bit of a lovejoy in that he will always be Joe Mangle. He will always be, yeah.

It's true because he's a really good stand-up. He's always a lovely bloke. But he is just Joe Mangle. It happens. I think of him as the Australian Steve Hall. Can I have that as a poster quote?

Where would we word it? I'd have to be the British Joe Mangle. Yes, what about my worst one? I must have told you this before. I went to see a well-known comedian and I went back after. Oh, I love this. Do I know this?

And I said, that's brilliant, really, really good, funny, you know, clever, etc. And I got back and it was on Twitter. Sat next to Frank Skinner at the Blah Blah gig, didn't laugh once. Oh, no. Of course I don't, gig, didn't laugh once. Oh, no. Of course I don't, you know, I laugh inside. Yeah, exactly. Somebody's objecting to the phrase bang on trend.

Okay. They say it always sounds like it's being used by someone trying to sound bang on trend. Yes. I mean, it's sort of ironic it's come back in, hasn't it, with some of the hipsters, because it's so unfashionable. It's like saying the hip parade. I bet they all say that in Shoreditch now. What about touching bass? You all right with that?

Well, I think I might use that. Do you? I think I've used it. I wouldn't use it on you, Frank, because I'd fear repercussions. But I feel some of the staff here on Absolute Radio might have used that with. It's a bit Paul McCartney-ish, is it? Mark King. Let's a bit Paul McCartney, is it? Mark King.

Let's touch base. And you think, does that mean he's going to play or is this going to meet up? We'd have that little anticipation. Oh. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. What about Trampol Stiltskin? We haven't mentioned him for a while.

No. He's been up to some stuff. In fairness, he's always up to stuff, isn't he? I mean, he's a busy boy on the stuff front. He's a tremendous generator of news stories. I've got to give him that. Fair play. I've never known so much about American politics.

I know everything now. So they had an eclipse... That is not a quote from Donald Trump. They had an eclipse, didn't they, in America last week? Isn't that symbolic? Well... The place was plunged into darkness. Do you see that picture?

There was a church and they'd said, Dear Lord, should we impeach Trump? Send us a sign, blot out the sun but Trump Paul Stiltskin he strikes me as someone who doesn't like being told what to do and so he decided

to look directly at the sun during the eclipse they were on the Truman balcony I believe it's called I even know that now didn't know that before Trump Paul Stiltskin named after F. They were on the Truman Balcony, I believe it's called. I even know that now. Didn't know that before Trump was still skinned. It's named after F.S. Truman, the Yorkshire and England footballer. Fiery Fred. That's why they always go out there to observe the sun.

Him, Melania and Baron. And Baron doesn't come out that often, but he was there. And he didn't put the glasses on Donald didn't and you can hear this plaintive voice from below saying don't look from an aide

you could hear the aide going don't look but he just ignores them Trampelstiltskin won't be told I think it's almost impossible to do a Donald Trump hair joke that doesn't sound like the office joker. But I think his hair probably works a bit like

the centre court roof at Wimbledon. And if the sun is intense, I think the canopy extends somewhat. So I think he probably looked up through that, which takes the edge off it. That's true, yeah. It was weird when he actually finally put the protective glasses on. He looked like Max Headroom, but made out of luncheon meat.

It was really weird. I'd like to see that in an exhibition of modern art. But the thing is, here's, to quote a new friend of yours, Frank, here's the inconvenient truth here. Oh, yes. Eclipses are a bit rubbish, aren't they? Oh, absolutely. I mean, let's be honest, we're not medieval.

We've got Netflix and chill now. I don't need, oh, let's look at the strange astronomical form. I don't need that in my life. I can put the telly on. I imagine in the White House someone said the sun looks a bit weird and he said, leave him alone. Told you.

I like an eclipse personally. You are quite medieval though. I go up onto Parliament Hill when there's an eclipse, which is a hill near me in London, and I look through a bin liner. And that's something I sort of look for.

I mean, you know, I don't do it a lot. It's a reminder of the 80s. Yeah. And I find it, yeah, there's something, it makes me feel very small, the idea. Oh, just the magnitude, yeah. Well, that's why I don't like it. Yeah, exactly.

I don't like astronomical events. No. I think because the British were... Because the 99 eclipse was such a disaster. Well, that's what I mean. The British people got excited about it. When has anyone said that eclipse was amazing? Except for Bonnie Tyler.

She's the only person who's PR-ing them. But what about Bonnie Tyler? Bonnie, did you read this? She was on a cruise ship and she got, she did Total Eclipse of the Heart. It coincided. She timed it so it coincided exactly with the eclipse and she even cut the

song so it lasted the same length as the eclipse. But come on, if you'd been on that I'd love to have been on that cruise because you might be sniffy about eclipses but every time an eclipse was mentioned then you'd say well actually I was on a boat

once with Bonnie Tyler and she did tell an eclipse and people go you're kidding me. Was there love in the dark? Well two minutes I should think so. Plenty of time. That's the worst side of eclipses. There's probably a lot of sort of, you know,

breast feeling and stuff like that. That's a spike in births nine months later. The world's plunged into darkness. You know what men are like. They'll be with nine months later. On public transport. It's the world's plunging to dark. There's no art men alive. They'll be with the eclipse babies. Oh, men. Oh. Men.

Men. It's not a very good... If you're going to bring out a single that's a regular cashing in thing, you could do something a bit more regular

than an eclipse. It's a lunar eclipse of the heart. Yeah. Yeah. I bet she wished she'd called it a eclipse of the heart. Yeah. Yeah. I bet she wished she'd called it a Wednesday of the heart.

But she's number one in the iTunes at US Download. Do you know what I love about her? Still got that hair. You go, girl. Again, does a lot of eclipse work. She's there with Donald. It's protective. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

541 talking about sayings. When asked how are you, reply, fair to Middleton. Oh, I don't know that one. Well, apparently they say it, which is a bit awks. The Middletons do. Well, I don't know if the Middletons do. I'm saying that 541 as a group doks. The Middletons do. Well, I don't know if the Middletons do. I'm saying that 5-4-1 as a group

do, as a conglomerate do. I hope the Middletons say it. Fair to Middleton. I suppose that's a general slogan that they think people should be. Yeah. Fair to Middleton. Because you know there's the phrase for the win. That's a thing that people have said. So I wonder if

I've seen... It's not a phrase called that So I wonder if the other... I've seen... That is not a phrase called that. I wonder if the Windsors would say for the Windsor. Oh, for the win. FTW. What does for the win mean? So someone might tweet tonight, for example, Mayweather FTW.

For the win. Yeah. But then it strays into just random rubbish they like. So someone would on their Instagram put latte for the win. But what does that mean? Meaning they like the latte. Oh, really, the modern world. Now, listen, what about 897?

We were in a restaurant once and the waiter said, enjoy your meal, right, with the emphasis on the word right, making it seem like a threat. Yeah, that is a threat. Wow. Enjoy your meal, right. Enjoy your meal, right. Unless he'd mistaken him for Ian Wright.

Even so, you wouldn't call him just right. You'd go righty. You'd say righty. Righty, yeah. I mean, that's just plain old rude. They could have a thing on Match of the Day where they press and say, no righty, no likey. On the nights he's not on. they could have a thing on Match of the Day where they press and say no writing

no liking on the nights he's not on just a thought just a thought yeah we were talking about Donald Trump

hurt his eyes looking at the the eclipse the medieval he's never going to build a wall around the sun as anger and it's going to be a wall around the sun. That's anger.

And it's going to be the biggest, best wall. It's a weird... I can understand it, though. When you're up there, you think, well, I do look, I'm sure I look at the sun sometimes, and it's fine. I don't, you know, it stings a little bit, you squid, but you don't sort of go,

so surely if I look at it during an eclipse, it's going to be slightly less. Well, Steve, I feel you might know about this as wickestivia, because should we go over to our correspondent? They're just very insistent. I just trust the advice of doctors who were just saying, you absolutely don't do it, because you would never normally look at it.

Okay. And certainly... But is it specifically during the eclipse, I think, is what we're asking you, Minister? What I'm saying is that's the safest time to look at the sun because it's slightly obscured. I take your point. I guess that's only when it's 100% totality.

Why have you turned into this sun apologist standing up for it? Yeah. Well, it's just I particularly enjoyed... Health and safety gone mad. The spike on Google after the eclipse of lots of Americans tweeting, like, my eyes hurt. But some people put sunscreen in their actual eyes. Yeah, that's the staggering thing.

I absolutely was staggered by that. They said they had people turning up to the A&E with sun cream in their eyeball. On their actual eyeball. Factor 50. Do you believe this is true? I just think that when I was growing up, people did jokes like that about the Irish, say. And all those things,

you can say them about the Americans because they're a really powerful country. So all the smaller places that used to get bigoted remarks, you can say it's alright. You can talk about the Americans being fat. You can sapphorise up, I believe. Yeah, you can say this. Well, can you though? Oh, well. But then Chinese are a major world power.

Can I do the voice? Can I buffalo? But you wouldn't, in the same way It doesn't really stop you. You wouldn't believe that people would be dumb enough to put sunscreen in their eyes but you also wouldn't believe that the President of the United States would stare directly at the sun during an eclipse. It wasn't a good example. Well, I think I've done it.

And look at me. I'm fine. I'm not telling people to stare at the sun, but I do think it's a bit of an overreaction. The bin liner takes the edge off you. What if he'd brought out a bin liner takes the edge off you. Well, people were good. What if he'd brought out a bin liner? Come on, that would have been brilliant. And you couldn't quite rip it, you know,

and you can't quite do the separation. But the study would have been, they told Americans to look through bin liners, but some of them said there was so much rubbish in it they couldn't lift it above their heads. You know what I mean? That would be the story, because then you couldn't do the thick Americans, Gerry.

If they're so thick, how come they're a major world power? Ask yourself that. People were Googling, Frank, I can't see, I'm blind. It all went a bit King Lear. I mean, it's only an eclipse, love. I agree with you. I'd imagine Trump would have a white bin liner,

and if he put it over his head, it would just make things even worse. Oh, dear. Have I made it too serious? I think you've gone... A little bit of politics. You've gone very political. I mean, I respect your views. I mean, I'm going out on a limb by saying

Donald Trump's a not very nice man. I'm aware it's controversial. This is a break for Shawwright's sort of suggestion he's got a weirdo son and stuff. I mean, shall I... Well, it's not now. I mean, shall I do a Milano impression? Oh, you can't do that now.

That's rude as well. Do you want to... No, you're not allowed. You've got to do that. I'm Milania. No, no, no. You said Milania. I Oh, you can't do that now. That's rude as well. No, you're not allowed. You've got to do it. It's all right when I say it. You said Milania. I thought you said Malala for a second. I thought that really would be it.

Now I'm even more confused. What's that? We're just going to have to play something while I just give these two a proper talking to. You know when you have to reach back into the car towards the kids and say, I'm telling you. Just put the music on.

I'll bang their heads together. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Speaking of the sore eyes thing, my son, who's five, next gen, as I like to call him. my son who's five, next gen as I like to call him, next gen, he's allergic to cats and horses we've found out. When he gets really swollen eyes, it's a horrible thing to see. I took him to David Baddiel's.

We only got through halfway through an England game because Dave's got about nine cats. Anyway, so he woke up the other morning, and he'd got, his eyes were swollen up, and they'd got, you know when you get eye-custed? Oh, yeah. Got a bit of eye-custed in them. He said, I can't open my eyes. And I said, oh, he said, what is it, what is it? I said, I don't know, what is it? What is it? I said, I don't know.

You must have picked something up. He said, do you think I dreamt about a cat? Wow. And I thought, that's a very clever, you could dream about it and get the allergy. And get the allergy, yeah. Spooky. Just as a general question to our readers readers how often are you supposed to clean the

filters on a on a dream catcher because we've had that one it's been up now probably three or four months how often you're supposed to get them there seems to be stuff yeah they need a bit of a clear out don't they that the child logic like that because my my daughter's three so she's just getting into the child logic of thinking the way Buzz was thinking there. It's really adorable. Kids say the funniest things. It's kids say the funniest things on Absolute Radio.

Off you go. I started it. You did. You're both guilty this morning, but I'll let it go. Am I guilty of yes-anding? Trying to keep it going. You see, I've lost faith in the anecdote now. Oh, um, I, uh, you see, I've lost faith in the anecdote now.

Oh, no, it's my fault. I'm just being horrible and cynical. Because I forgot to have children. It was mega bad. My daughter slammed my dancing, basically. She's obsessed with, there's an animated film called Ballerina, and she loves it, and she wants to dance like Ballerina.

So I tried to entertain her by dancing like Ballerina. And my dancing is so bad... Finally enough vector dances on the moon. My wife said to Polly, oh, look, do you like... Daddy's dancing like Ballerina. And Polly replied, no, he's not. He's a flamingo.

Flamenco? If only. Flamingo? Flamingo. Flamenco? If only. Flamingo. Flamingo. Oh. So, that's how I dance. I'm not so keen on that one. Thanks.

You can't just say that about anecdotes. I'm joking. Hey, listen, I've got some news about the staring at the sun. Oh, yes. It's fine. Turns out it's fine. No. Au contraire, my friend. Ah, yes. It's fine. It turns out it's fine. No. Au contraire, my friend.

Sorry, I called him my friend. Monica says, Frank, stop occasionally looking at the sun. You won't notice the damage immediately. Your sight will gradually go worse. Even if you're just out on a sunny day, not pulling a Trump, but forgetting your sunglasses,

damage will occur eventually. I'm just saying. Thanks, Monica. Thank thank you monica for that um i don't need to think i walk around looking at it a lot but i just think you know sometimes you have a i just have a bit of a peep monica that's all just to make sure it's still there yeah but um okay i'll be more careful we did um kath put up um bo Boz had the planets in a magazine, you know, several planets. And Kath put them on his wall for him, stuck them up for him. And she sort of went on a sort of vague sense of colour and didn't bother putting them in order.

I found this really annoyed me. She's put them up on the theory you can't really follow a ring so Saturn's at the end and I mean I'm not

a scientific type but it's it's really nagged me yeah that's fascinating like I wonder if God could do

if God just decided to change the way he stacks I've alphabetised them. Slightly ruined by me not being able to say alphabetise them. If God had been a lady, maybe he would have put them in a more aesthetically pleasing thing instead of going just random.

I'm not slanging him off, don't get me wrong. I'm relieved to hear it. Is Pluto still up there? She's put Pluto up as well. Come on. 2006 Pluto went. Yeah. It's a dwarf planet, that's all it is. It's so naughty, this Pluto.

You can tell it's a dwarf planet because Mickey Mouse is bigger than it. And it's a dog and he's a mouse. Weird. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Now, we've been talking about Trump. The other big news story of the week was the controversial shutting down of Big Ben for the next four years. Yes, can I tell you, the Big Ben is the bell, obviously. This is one of those things like knowing the Big Mo is Gary Oldman's sister. It's the thing that people tell you like you don't know, but everyone knows the Big Ben is the bell. Yeah.

And they said it's not going to sound, I think occasionally, but basically it's not going to sound for four years. New Year's Eve and Remembrance Sunday. And I remember when I read it, I thought I might never hear Big Ben again. Oh, no. So that's a reassuring little breakfast radio here on Absolute where mortality matters. But the reason that they're turning it off, the bells off,

is because they don't want the people working on it to suffer unduly because it's going to be so noisy, apparently. Well, I just think, come on, go for a lunch break. Go for a fag break. Every 15 minutes. It does ring every 15 minutes, that's the thing. Oh, you know, develop some tolerance. I think turn it up,

but that's suggesting they're going to be working on it for four years. Yeah. There is no job that takes four years to do. Why is it taking so long, this? There's no job.

Why do you think it is? I don't know. Because it's been done in Britain. They've got a load of clock watchers repairing big bed. They'll be in their element. Yeah. It's a bit bad if you get in late. It's going to notice the gaffer.

Yeah, you can't have an argument about that, can you? Apparently they've got Harold Lloyd in as a health and safety consultant. Love a Harold Lloyd joke. Harold Lloyd reference. You've got enough of them these days. Keep it topical, kids. Hey, kids, any young people listening, I know what you mean.

I know. Don't keep asking me. Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Can you imagine the amount of money they could get for sponsorship of the Big Ben faces? There's four faces, isn't there? So they could do a different product on every one.

Fish or snack food. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I hope they don't go down that road. It could be like the fourth plinth, where if they were genuine heroes but it wouldn't be you're right it would be a money making thing

it wouldn't be anything noble why is it taking four years? it's the fourth plinth what Chris Eubank calls Prince Edward next gen? four years he calls him next gen yeah he does because they're not next gen apparently because they're putting a lift in yeah but not it wouldn't take four years if people

honestly did got down and did a proper day's work for a proper day's work brexit means brexit no i think um i'm sure that's the same in Europe. Certainly in Germany. But are you upset, you know, some people are really sort of, there's this kind of passport to Pimlico parochiality to it where people are actually upset. I like the alliteration. The alliteration of Steve. Love that novel.

The alliteration of Steve, yeah. Is it? Love that novel. And now it's Nin. No, I saw it more as a kind of Patricia Highsmith. Oh, OK. OK. no I saw it more as a kind of

Patricia Highsmith oh okay okay um I I used to live very very close to

the other side of the river and Big Ben I used to lie in bed and listen to it at night and it's a brilliant I mean

are there any other famous major landmarks with a sound with their own sound 8, 12, 15 you know Sydney Opera House and obviously people make sounds in it but it doesn't have a sound, with their own sound. 8, 12, 15. You know, Sydney Opera House,

and obviously people make sounds in it, but it doesn't have a sound. The pyramids don't have a sound. Statue of Liberty. That's true. Maybe, what if it's the only one? It'd be great if it turned out that Nelson's Column did make a noise and no one knew.

Just once every hundred years, Nelson's Column goes, oi, oi. Nelson's Column goes, No one knew that's what's been attracting him yeah we didn't know

sounds like he's just got a trim fan well there's some old references I think Harold Lloyd is one of the probably the early

I think we had an answer about I love a Harold Lloyd reference oh it's all here. Don't worry about it. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Holdit. I wasn't, I was just breathing. Shopkeeping, this is housekeeping. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

So we discussed what sounds we missed in the light of Big Ben shutting down for four years. Yeah. Well, we didn't. I tell you what, we've had a lot of fun. We didn't, that's a lie. We never discussed that at all. Well, no. Well, you flagged it up, to be fair.

I flagged it up. I flagged up Big Ben. What do I do if anybody dies? I only half flag it up. Did you run it up the flagpole? I did. Oh, I hate it when people say that. I don't mind that one.

You don't need that one often enough. Oh, you haven't worked in enough offices. Clearly. Did people say that? They say that in offices. Did they? Well, I don't work in an office anymore, but back in the day, they say that in offices.

I'm not going to be rude about offices. I love offices, and I worked in one, and you know, it's fine. Sure. Shout out to you offices out there. I know. Listen, can I tell you what they miss? What, in offices? What about when I went on on that offices rant? Can I tell you

what they miss, which I'm quite shocked about? Go on in that offices rant? Can I tell you what they miss? Which I'm quite shocked about. Go on. The age, the median age here. The rag and bone man. We've had hundreds of rag and bone men. Do you know what? That was one of my first thoughts, was the rag and bone man. Oh.

Oh, ringers, oh, rhiners. Give me that bone, I'll cover your arse with fire. Don't know what they said, but yeah. And they'd be on a horse and cart when I was a kid, a horse and cart, and you'd take out an old ringer or something. 250, the rag and bone man, horse and cart, coming down the back street.

And he would shout, rag and bone. Well, they shouted all sorts of different things, I think, depending. But yeah, and you'd go out and give them. They'd give you like... And would they be, I mean... I'm intrigued by the etymology because I can imagine people getting rid of old clothes,

but where the bone element comes in. Oh, I know. What does it mean? Dogs you didn't want. You had a big, like a massive meat mixer on the back. What was Rag and Bone, Matt? Are you just kidding? Oh, my word.

There was producer Daisy's intake of breath then. I hope the microphones picked that up. What was the purpose of the rag and bone man then? You just gave them old stuff? Well, you gave him stuff you didn't want. Like, if you had... I mean, not that many people had washing machines. Say if your lawnmower broke.

Yeah. Then you'd give that to him, and he'd give you a few, Bob. Really? I don't know where he took it. To some scrap metal place. I wish he could reintroduce that service. then you'd give that to him and he'd give you a few Bob and then he'd take it I don't know where he took it, to some scrap metal place I wish he could reintroduce that service I'd find that really useful It'd be interesting if there was still any going anyone in the country

still gets the rag and bone man particularly now that the bins are generally only taken once a fortnight, the rag and bone man could make it a bit more politics from local politics now. Google Earth is coming in tighter and tighter. Soon it'll be office politics. I've got that covered.

Then it'll be a big telling off of me. Is this my slow descent into conspiracy theories? It could be. Wake up, sheeple. Sheeple, oh, sheeple. Well, 027 said we had rag and bone in Walthamstow four years ago. They make it sound like an outbreak of some sort. Four years ago? Nothing takes that long.

I think we must have had multiple messages from 027 because they've also said that they missed the sound of the milkman and glass bottles clinking. Oh, that's a good one. What about whistling tradesmen? In the morning, I love that. I found that very creepy when they do that. I'll tell you what sound I miss,

the white heat of laughter I used to get in the 90s. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I have a nice message from John from Powerhouse Films who sent me the Sinbad trilogy, the Ray Harryhausen films. Oh, brilliant. Yeah. That's good, eh? Hey, that's me sorted now.

Could be a late review in the offing. I'm all right, Jack. I watched the Battlestar Galactica miniseries this week. Absolutely top notch. The original or the remake? Not the lawn green. That's the 70s. The other one.

I'm glad we've cleared that up. Wasn't the lawn green one? Actually, that's the sound I missed. The sound of the Cylons. That type thing. Okay, please can we not talk about that? Quite a few people missed the sound of the dial-up tone connecting to the internet back in the day.

Something like that. Oh, it sounds like Crazy Frog. It's okay. I miss Crazy Frog. I love Crazy Frog. It's a backdrop to many a romantic encounter. I miss dog nails on linoleum. I love that. I really miss nails on linoleum. I love that.

Clicky. Yeah. I really miss the sound of the rotary, of an old rotary telephone dialling. Yeah. That sounded,

it sort of sounded like a cat purring in your ear. Yes. A cat? Purring. Purring in your ear, yeah.

Yes. Um, can I say something slightly controversial? Go on, darling. I miss the wolf whistle tell me about it dear when you get to my age I miss the wolf whistle I hated the sordid remarks

sometimes but the wolf whistle has such a simplicity I think the wolf whistle is still alive and well what do the ladies in the studio think? Yeah? Yeah, sorry, we're taking a poll. They both look devastated.

Can't understand what's happened. Are you able to wolf whistle? Well, I can go... But I can't. Can you do it, Steve? I can't do that. Well, let's see your attempt. Oh, that's great.

I'm saving myself from myself. Right on. He can't physically, he can't wolf whistle. Political correctness gone entirely socially acceptable. No, he had an operation to stop him doing it. All men born after 1970 had an operation to stop the wolf whistling. It's like tonsils out and no wolf. Yeah, and wolf whistle facility removed, Frank.

That's what happens. That's fair enough. I know it's... The price we've paid is a lovely one. There was something just saying... Because, you know, men, they do see a woman and think that she looks really attractive. They do think that. I don't care who they are.

And it was just... It was the oral representation of that inner thought. In a way, it was more on... It was a sort of an alarm. It's a warning alarm. I'm thinking this about you. Watch me. Has it been replaced, has the wolf whistle been replaced by the cat call?

Well, this is what concerns me. I would take the wolf whistle over the cheer up love, it might never happen. No, I don't. And other unpleasant things. All the verbal ones. Yeah. I don't like them. Give me the wolf whistle over the verbal. I all the verbal ones yeah yeah i don't like give me the wolf whistle over the verbal i think the wolf whistle it's a bit like a pressure cooker

you know that sort of it's like saying you know um keep your distance because i find you attractive and you know what they're like i might get in trouble for this but all i can say is at my age dear i'd welcome the wolf whistle no i've said've said it, I'm sorry. It's always an animal name followed by some sort of declaration. Don't look at Steve, you'll get no joy out of him. This is what I get from Steve. If you walked past a bloke and he went...

You'd be a bit worried, wouldn't you? I'd be very. I was trying to cool down a Yorkshire pudding. Yeah, what does that mean? Yeah. You don't see that many people anymore out on the street with a Yorkshire pudding. No. Unless they're taking one out to the rag and snacks man.

Yeah. That'd be a good boat. Oh, I'd love them. If you're on a diet, you think you want to get these crisps out of the house. Well, any snacks? Anything fattening? Oh, yeah, just timing.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. We've had on the subject

of sounds that people miss, 977 has texted to say the sound and sight of flapper departure boards at airports and train stations watching the details emerge a letter at a time yeah i forgot that was rather exciting like countdown or something and um tony has tweeted to say he misses the sound of the spectrum 48k loading with his fingers desperately crossed hoping it's not going to break he sounds like a nice friend for you, Steve.

No, I can just see you talking about things like that. With you in the Vector warm-up suit. I dreamt of it. I was an acorn electron. I don't know. I couldn't dreamt of the spectrum. I can see you popping around for a cup of cocoa to talk about Doctor Who. I'm not very good on the tech stuff,

but I'm always happy to talk about Doctor Who. Yes. We need to talk about Doctor Who. You guys have very good on the tech stuff, but I'm always happy to talk about Doctor Who. Yes. We need to talk about Doctor Who. You guys have some news of your little show, haven't you? Well, it looks like... Is it 100% confirmed? I don't think it is, but this is what seems to have happened. There's been a big meeting at Doctor Who

and someone says, we've got a female Doctor Who now. And I know it's the Doctor, but, you know, shut up. Got a female Doctor Who and someone says we've got a female Doctor Who now and I know it's the Doctor but you know shut up got a female Doctor Who and what would make a good what's the ideal combination

what about a sort of late middle aged comedian and they've all looked through each other and said Bradley Wolfe

imagine how that makes me feel I mean when I heard Bradley Wolfe. Imagine how that makes me feel. I mean, when I heard, you could have knocked me down with a fashion caution. With Big Feather. The former trade union leader. I was quite shocked. By the way, when I said to you,

who were the big personality trade union leaders, we never mentioned Arthur Scargill oh he was the biggie I remember a man on the news saying and as for Arthur so called Scargill hold on in what way are you using so called

anyway we've gone on to what do you make of it? I mean we know it's a bitter pill for you to swallow, Frank. Yes, but I mean, apart from that, it's a bit Donald and Melania. It's a classic TV trope. Yeah.

This sort of middle-aged, ordinary-looking bloke and the young, attractive woman. It's what they use on the news a lot isn't it and they used to use it on obviously it was what they used to use on Strictly and

when you see that you know those when you're on holiday and say Italy and you watch an entertainment show on the telly and it's filmed in a place about nine sizes bigger than Wembley

with people sitting at tables yes um that's always a sort of a very ordinary looking middle-aged man with a stunning young woman so yeah i think it's a time-honored he's a sort of philip scofield figure what steve yeah i guess so yeah bradley walsh good team leader i found it so left field that it's just one of those things where I just assume it's a good idea because I don't I know Bradley Walsh has actually done loads of acting but it's so left field

that someone might as well have said did you know Nigel Winterburn is the new Doctor Who assistant and I would just have to sort of go oh well I assume that must be a sound decision because So do you say assistant rather than companion? I suppose I do.

Yeah, I've never... Yeah, I probably... He's always Mr Right Arm, but when it comes to Petalairakis... He's just like the others. Well, he's... It's funny, because... Oh, well, it's not funny. I know, if Angle picked me up on that,

it's really not funny. But it's quirky, because he's the only Bradley that I think is in the famous Bradley chair except for Bradley Cooper. So I found myself having conversations with people saying, yeah, Bradley Cooper's the new... Bradley from S Club 7 is throwing his cup of tea down in Angle. He was double E, though, at the end, I believe, wasn't he?

Oh, was he? Well, I don't know. And he is really called... He looks like he should have been. He is really called Bradley Walsh, I think. He's not like a... It sounds like a stage name, doesn't it? Oh, yes, it does.

But, no, I think that is his real name. He's had, like, a life to really envy because he's played professional football. Oh, don't say this to Frank. He's played professional football. He was a footballer. He's been a comedian. He would play for Brentford Barnet FC maybe as well?

I think so. Yeah. But yeah, he's a professional footballer. But to have done those things, his CV, to have been a comedian and an actor and a footballer, it's pretty cool. And he presented Daytime TV Quiz Show. It was a chase.

I saw that for the first time. Chase is absolutely massive it's brilliant I was shocked at how good it is I love it it's Paul Sinha

comedian and chaser it's always fun seeing him yes a few of those that's a common enough combination I used to be

one of those myself oh look it's all it's all good nose but it is good nose I used to be one of those myself. Look, it's all good news. But it is good news. It's good news. Was that a Freudian slip? Has he got a good nose? I can say this.

You can't. But I just think that someone else who's already proved himself, proven himself, as the Scots would say, he knows what he's doing. He was very popular in the role. Yeah, but they won't go for Jim Davison. It'd be a neat counterbalance. It's only a step further than Bradley Walsh.

For those people who are upset by the female doctor, you think bringing in Jim Davison, they'd say, oh, well, fair enough. And we're talking about 52% of the vote here. That's a lot of viewers. I think in your case, Frank, it's a bit like they're not going to give Jennifer Aniston the part in EastEnders because they think she's too big for it.

No, come off it. But thanks for that. OK. They've gone, you know, I think it could be really interesting. But it is a time on a TV. It's a bit like the Molly, you know it's that thing business at the front party at the back

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Talking about famous Bradleys, 488 has leapt in to say Bradley Wiggins, yeah that's a big one Sorry I forgot, let's reach the gap And 037

has said surely it should be the doctor's receptionist instead of assistant or companion Oh yeah, I'd love that That's very good Are you my companions? Oh I do hope so One doesn't often use the word companion now, do you?

Yeah. I wonder if I should, because I'm... I might call myself your companion. Because me and Kath aren't married and I'm old, I can't call her my girlfriend. When I say to people, I'll go and ask my girlfriend, I know they're picturing someone 19. Well, I always say Frank's partner.

I always say partner, but I wonder if they think, I mean, you know, if they're expecting some sort of Bobby Ball character. Yeah. Well, then it's also like you could have started an estate agent together. But maybe I'll call them my companion. That's a good one. Yeah, but then if you're going to call, you know, the people on the show the companions, it's going to get very three people in this marriage.

You know, in sort of, in Edwardian, I don't want to be one of those Martin bashers. Strawberry pun. Always criticising people called Martin. I'm one of those Martin bashers. I know what you meant. I'm just helping. I'm one of those Martin bashers. I know what you meant. No, I'm just helping. I know. I, do you still, in the sort of Edwardian England,

you used to get elderly ladies who would advertise for a travelling companion. And a young woman would turn up with a portmanteau usually and they'd travel off together. Oh, like in the back of the Lady magazine. Yeah. I haven't been in the back of the Lady for a long time.

Oh, God. I, um... Do you still get that advertised, then, for a travelling companion? Well, do they still exist? I think people are so proud... You get the cougars now, don't you? They're so proud.

They want a different sort of companion now. If you look for an escort now, it's a very different thing. Well, if the elderly lady was advertising for the companion, trust me, I don't think there would be a young girl going round with her. Well, there might be. Oh, come on. I just wonder if people still say, I want to go on holiday and advertise for a companion.

I mean, in that way, I think they were supposed to help out a bit and stuff. Oh, yeah, like a sort of nurse-y. Yeah. I think there might even be one in Mommy on the Orient Express, the Doctor Who episode I was in. I think...

I wondered how long it was going to take that to pull up. I think there is an old lady, the first person to be killed by the foretold. I think she's travelling with a travelling companion. Well, Steve will know. If there's anyone, anyway, at 12.15, if you've ever been or are looking for,

not if you're looking for, don't get me wrong. Maybe that's what Bradley Walsh is doing. He's not in the show at all. They're just going on holiday together. He's advertised for a travelling companion. See, I think you'd feel now, especially if you're a celebrity, if you're advertised for a travelling companion. See, I think you'd feel now, especially if you're a celebrity, if you're advertised for a travelling companion,

people would assume it was a TV show. Yeah, they would. Everything's a TV show. Well, the whatever happened to thing we do on here, we had someone the other week say that'd make a good TV show, he's thinking. Someone said Frank Skinner should do that as a someone from development.

It's a TV show, isn't it? Travelling companions, that'd be a good Someone said Frank Skinner should do that as a... Someone from development, yeah. There's a TV showing that. Yeah. Travelling companions, that'd be a good... Yeah, let's do that. Everything. Potential. Well, that's what Richard Ayoade does one, doesn't he? Does he do one with...

Travel man and gadget man, yeah. Him and his man. But if I said I'm going to travel to different countries, but, you know, normally when it's like Michael Palin or something, they just go and they walk around and tell you interesting stuff. But I go with some young person who comes and carries the bag. I'm the son of that. Like Derek Okora's friend.

Yeah. So I would actually advertise for travelling companions. Then they could be vetted to make sure they're wacky and interesting people with baseball caps that turn up like on Big Brother. Isn't that essentially a tour manager? Commission time six. Oh, don't you have one of those? I don't know, it'd be someone who'd never done any telly and they'd be

hanging around with the... Anyway, shut up about it. I hate travel. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We talkedner on Absolute Radio. We talked last week about the Reading Festival and their controversial banning of pineapples.

Yes. Oh, yes. I was there yesterday. I did the comedy tent yesterday, and I'm happy to report there were no pineapples on display. Oh, so people didn't... What happened to, you know, youth rebellion? Yeah.

They'll do as they're told now. And everything that you said last week about people of a certain age not going to festivals was proved right. I felt so out of place. Did you? I was so concerned. I respect you for that.

Well, you say that. Oh, actually, you were a little bit younger then because we received a missive from the outside world and it was a poster from Reading 92, Steve, saying that Frank Skinner was on the bill alongside Nirvana, Public Enemy,

and Marc Lamar. Yeah. The Charlatans. I mean, there was all sorts going on. Is that Public Enemy, Marc Lamar, or Public Enemy and Marc Lamar? Well, he did become a sort of Public Enemy. The Charlatans, Bobby and Jackie.

And this is from Michael Coffey, and he says, Hashtag trouble in the wings, dear. Was there trouble in the wings? Well, there was quite a bit of trouble. I'll tell you why. Public enemy? I was in Edinburgh, and I had to fly down to Reading to do that gig. And I got a call from one of my management team saying,

Don't get on that plane at the end of Casablanca yeah and I said why not and they said there's just been a freak storm in the middle of the gig it's just blown the tent down and I said will I still get paid

was anyone hurt in that order. This is what always sticks in my memory. That's when I thought a showbiz ruined me. It's good that it was not just someone tearing the roof off someone doing so well. So I'm on the same poster

as Nirvana and Public Enemy but I was never actually on the same. What excited me about seeing that poster is one of the other names on the comedy tent is someone we've talked about on the show before who I didn't realise

had played the Reading Festival the late late, great Chris Luby. Oh, yes. A man who's the Queen, Chris Luby used to do impressions largely of military marching bands. Right. And he was an eccentric figure. Given that it's a massive tent, it's a big old space, the idea of doing that really small beautiful stuff in this huge tent.

I shared a tent with him at Glastonbury. I don't mean a performance tent. I mean, we slept in a tent. Do you want to be talking about that? He was a knock-ass. I don't know if you can still say that. When I got in the car to drive him there, he went,

right, chocks away. All that stuff. He never stopped. But yes, God bless him. He's no longer with us. 21 gone salute. He could probably do that. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I think that's time. Steve's last week, Frank. It's my last week. It's been a pleasure. The A-team returns next week. Yes, so thank you so much.

You've been a fabulous part of the show. I'm going to call you a fabulous companion. Oh, bless your heart. I shall be sorry to see your calyx going out of the door if you disappear. It's the opposite part of a stalk on an apple. Yeah. I might start using that.

Do you know what I like? Oh, my calyx. I also love a Frank Skinner footnote. Yes. I love a Frank Skinner footnote. Indeed. Well, you know, I like to help people yeah

so thanks a lot Steve you've been great thank you Steve I miss you and hopefully you'll come back if anything happens to Alan

oh don't say that none of us my boy's back next week if Alan and Gareth are ill I'm here well I'm still I'm just hoping

to hear Big Ben again aren't we all dear? Yeah. What happened to him? I'll tell you later. I think he went camping in Copenhagen with Big Tom. Anyway, George Godfrey.

Oh, God, I didn't like that. George Godfrey. Are you being served? Godfrey. That was my was it Captain Manorin Arthur

Lowe oh dear sorry this is just words this is a da da wrist close to the show just random words

and you have to put them together into a link that's this week's challenge George Godfrey thank you so much for listening

thank you Steve thanks Steve cheers thank you God much for listening thank you Steve thanks Steve cheers thank you God bless you and bring on the feathers you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

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