The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Car-new

Episode Date: March 25, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is back and is joined by The Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel. He's been to America and asks the readers about 'going for a drive'. The team talk Colonel Sanders, Flat-Earthers and hot beverage making hacks.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 this morning. You can follow the show on Twitter, yes, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show, you traditionalists, via the Absolute Radio website. Why not write us a letter? People do. Oh, that's a lovely idea.

Raise some perfume on it. Is that a thing? That's what they used to do. Oh, I've never heard of that. I dated a man once. Thank you very much. I dated a man once and he was at boarding school and he doused it in aftershave. Did he really?

But what about the letter? He's back. He's letter? He's back! He's back, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, we won! Oh, marvellous. He's hit the ground running, hasn't he? Very pleased. So,

in the history of the show, there are many things that have been discussed. I think it's fair to say. Last night was Comic Relief. Congratulations to them for raising lots of money for people who need lots of money for various reasons. But

one thing that I did notice was one thing that's become a byword on this show for comic desperation is when me and Greg Davies kissed once on an episode of Let's Dance for Comic Relief.

You were on the judging panel, weren't you? I've been dragged over the Sheryls for that over the years. And last night Greg must have had another falling moment in his inner being. He returned. And he snogged Sheeran, Ed Sheeran.

He did, he did. Are you feeling a bit gel? The ginger magician, as he's known. Yeah. Is he? Yeah. But I saw Ed Sheeran live. Who told him that?

What, the ladies? I saw him at the Brits and thought, you know, actually, he's really good, Ed Sheeran. Yeah, he sounds great. So I got the album up on Apple Music. Yeah? I'd listen. Started, first song, did a bit of rapping. I thought, that'll do me. It's the end of my Ed Sheeran romance.

Not the end of Greg Davis's, apparently. No, no. So I kissed him. I know what that kiss feels like it's how was it? I felt a bit watching it you know

considering it used to be me I felt a bit Jennifer Aniston I'll be honest with you well you and she may win the long game you never know but it was funny it's become a byword for comic desperation

and there it was comic desperation of's become a byword for Comic Desperation, and there it was. Comic Desperation, of course, my favourite font. Yeah. Anyone who gets that, congratulations on this lovely Saturday morning. You've got an itchy armpit there, are you alright? I have got a bit, it's not quite the armpit, I've got an itchy outer tendon. Well, you know what, he was getting uncomfortable in the way you do when you see an ex with someone else for the first time. And it was Sheeran and Davis.

And the fact that they were flaunting it. I mean, you've got feelings. On the same show as well, pretty much. I have got feelings by Julio Ingleses. It's one of the best versions. Who had the hit with feelings? Was it Julio? It wasn't Julio.

I think it might have been Julio, yes. Feeling? Oh, yeah.io, yes. Feeling. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's great. Somebody thought, what do people write songs about? Feelings, I suppose. Why not just cover the whole thing?

Why not have a broader concept? So not saying you broke my heart. Oh, Susan, you've hurt me. Let's just talk about feelings in the abstract. Great idea. All of them. I don't know why people bothered writing songs after that. I thought, well, that's feelings covered.

What are we going to write about now? Indifference. Very cold indifference. I'm not really bothered. Who cares? I like it, Steve. It's not going to sell, mate. A little insight into the music business.

A bit negative, Steve, I think. So have you sent Greg any slightly passive-aggressive texts? No. Oh, good. I love Greg. You're being classy about it. Exactly, yeah. That's part of the problem.

You love him and he's kissing other fellas on the telly. You love him, he's moved on, yeah. That's part of the problem. You love him and he's kissing other fellas on the telly. You love him, he's moved on, darling. But soon, now I've lost a bit of weight, the weather's getting warmer, I'll be able to wear a crop top and show Greg Davies what he's missing. That's what they always say in the tabloids. Oh,

I love it when they show them what they're missing. The thing is, the only thing you ever miss, apparently, about people is their legs and stuff. Yeah. What about their inner world? Yeah. Eh?

How do you show them when they're missing that? What about when you're missing just, you know, that bit of lipstick on the cup in the morning? Oh, yeah. They don't understand. You know what they don't understand, the tabloids? Feelings. They just don't get the healing.

Don't worry, I'm going to do something now. Nugget has been in touch. Jealous much, Frank? Oh, he's picked up on your jealousy. Well, I was thinking about Chuck Berry's classic track, No Particular Place to Go. Don't you think that that sums up the joy of youth? Oh, yeah.

No particular place to go. When's the last time you had no particular place to go? Oh, you know me, I'm always on point. Oh, yeah, I've noticed that. I thought it was a circulation thing. I don't think I've... I think once in my life have I done that thing that I've heard people say, when I've gone for a drive

you know when people say oh we just went out for a drive what do you mean where to no we just went out for a drive what yeah like I never go out for a walk hmm unless other people I would never go on my own for a walk would you no I mean I'd always have a destination

whether that place be a coffee shop of some sort. Oh, I don't want to go to a coffee shop. Men don't like meeting friends for coffees. Men don't like coffee. So what about that? Do you meet friends for coffee? Yeah.

I thought you went grappling. Well, I do that as well. Did you go grappling this week, Al? Do you ever go for a drive, though, Al? I've never just gone for a drive. I've just gone for a drive. No, I've never gone for a drive. I think have you? I've never just gone for a drive. You know what, I'll just go for a drive. No, I've never gone for a drive. I think I'll tell you on my 40th birthday,

as it got to about 10 to midnight, I thought I'd quite like to be in the car when I turned 40 to suggest that I'm still moving. Oh, yeah. And so I put on Quincy Jones Orchestra theme from Ironside and just drove round and round for about 20 minutes. But it's weird. I believe Patrick Vieira used to do that.

When he first went to Arsenal and didn't have many friends here, he just used to drive around a lot. I don't know if that was Patrick Vieira. Was it someone else? There was someone who used to do it. It was an Arsenal player, wasn't it? I think it was Carnu. Oh, was it? OK.

I don't think you can acknowledge Frank. I think it, wasn't it? I think it was Carnu. Oh, was it? Okay. I don't think you can acknowledge that. I think it was, yeah. But yes, it was Carnu. You're right. He just used to drive around. Yeah, so I... Something very charming about Carnu. I liked him.

Brilliant. He was that guy. But I... When you get to a junction, there's too much choice. You know, normally, you've got to go one way or the other at the junction because the reasons of your destination yeah when you go for a drive

i always go left do you see you've only been on one drive easiest maneuver it is it is i always i think what puts me off you just end up back where you started, though, if you keep going left? How frustrating would it be to get a flat tyre when you're just going out for a drive? You're not even going somewhere. How long do you go for the drives, Paul? I've only ever done it once in my life. That was about 20 minutes.

Do you imagine when these people... Let's say Carnu is going for his drive. How long does he go for? I think he was a bit lonely when he first arrived. Oh, was he? Okay. He just went for a drive like that. What do you mean like that? You know, because there's nothing else to do.

An indeterminate amount of time. No particular place to go. Exactly. I mean, I'd be worried about parking because it's bad enough when you get back. You turn home. No, but when you get home, I can't always park in my road. Oh, I see. And imagine thinking, oh, I've moved the car now. I haven't even road. And imagine thinking, oh, I've moved the car now. I haven't even moved the car now.

I've moved the car now. And that's what he used to think. I bet he's thinking, I've moved the car now. Oh, that's a bit like my name. Ha-ha, that's cheered me up a bit in my bleak loneliness. I don't think his mind works quite like yours, Frank. In my desperate loneliness here in London, I have cheered myself up.

Hurrah. And now I shall drive again aimlessly, come back and see if another space is a bird. Oh, was this a good move? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Caroline in Newcastle is a fellow going for a drive person like yourself. I've done it once. Yeah, that makes you in the gang.

Hi, Frank in the gang. With no particular place to go in the car, I had a moment when I followed diversion signs just to see where I was diverted to. I thought you were saying I followed diversity. We were in a looting van. Yeah, she's just a weird stalker. Their faces at the window.

You know the one with the glasses, they're really like the afro. Oh, he's my favourite. Being held up to look through the window. I imagine they open the back doors of the van and he just wheeze straight out they hold on to I don't know if that's, I have no evidence for that

just to see where she was diverted to I was sick of seeing diversion signs it was my way of either getting a strange advantage over them or just maybe I was looking for Nirvana at the end of the signs all I found was more road diversity, Nirvana, make your mind up love at the end of the signs. All I found was Moor Road. Oh. Diversity, Nirvana, make your mind up, love.

But when you go out for a drive, I think the finding of Moor Road is inevitable. You should be pleased by that. People do do it, obviously. Well, Felicity has got in touch to say one of my friends goes out just to get petrol. Why? I get it when you're next driving somewhere and actually need petrol.

Yeah. I'm with Felicity. I don't think I've ever gone out and thought, oh, I might go and get some petrol. You know what that is to me? A fair klaxon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I was with someone and they said,

I'm just going out to get some petrol. Absolutely. That's a fair klaxon. Yeah. Sorry if anyone's partner has just said they're going out to get petrol 8.27 I think going to

the toilet with your mobile phone is a I mean it's it's a yellow card oh 100% for an affair

yeah oh yeah and sit-ups of course if I'm suddenly losing weight in middle age oh yeah

no that's allowed yeah um yes so what do you think about the petrol thing Frank well I've done that Suddenly losing weight in middle age. Oh, yeah. No, that's allowed. Yeah. Yes. So what do you think about the petrol thing, Frank? Well, I've done that. What, gone out just to get fuel? Yeah.

I have done that. Have you? Weirdo. The weird thing is I went to Leeds. No, I've done it because I was going to a football match the next day and I thought this will save me time on the journey. Yes. I love to set off to the Albion with a full tank now and it'll get me there and back.

Oh, that's nice. I just feel like the world is my not so much an ice, more of a whelk as I'm going to the Albion. Yeah. So speaking of travel, I was in the USA last week. Oh, yes.

Get him. I told my son I was going to America. What did he say? He said, will you see a cactus? Great question. It's a great question about America. Can I just say, very apt to the part of the world you were going to,

the part of America you were going to. Well, yeah, well, he's got Wild West curtains. Apparently you can't operate until they're in their teens. But he's got a Wild West curtain, so it's got cowboys and cactuses off-scene in close quarters. And you were quite the Mexico way, weren't you? Well, I mean, I didn't. I ate cactus in a restaurant.

Did you? Yeah. Oh. Succulent? It was actually succulent. No. That's the word I was reaching for. Really?

You sound surprised. Yeah, I mean, it looks... Well, they're great holders. They're great holders of moisture, of course. That's handsome being called succulents. Yeah. Are they? Yes.

Oh, are they? Yes. I did not know this. That's how they do it. That's how they do it in dry... You know the theory that the camel's hump is... It can live off its own hump. Oh, did you go to Camelback Mountain?

I've always wanted to go there. Oh, I didn't go there. Is that where... No, that's all right. That's the other one, Frank. I'll tell you what I did do. I am a fan of a famous grave. Oh, yeah.

Oh. You like that. And I visited the grave of rather exciting... Hold on a minute. Let's see if I can find some... I visited the grave of... Colonel Saunders. Excellent. find some suit. I visited the grave of... Colonel Sanders. Excellent.

Wow. Friend of the show. Yeah, he is a sort of a friend of the show. He's a good friend of mine. I was spoken about the fact that he was buried in full regalia. When I say full regalia, I mean the white suit with the black boot lace tie. In a red and white pocket. And I actually went to visit his grave, yeah, with a film crew.

Did I tell you I'm doing a ten-part documentary about batter? Yeah. No, he's not. That's what I love about Channel 5. They'll take the risks. Frank Skinner take the risks. Frank, you said earlier you were doing a documentary on batter.

Yes. Channel 5. Neil has been in touch to say, will your documentary be called Batter, the Devil You Know? Oh, very good.

That is fine work. It is quite bad for you, so that would be fine. Thank you, Neil Ambrose. Fine work. I've posted a picture of me at the Colonel's grave that would be fine. Thank you, Neil Ambrose. Fine work. I've posted a picture of me at the Colonel's grave, by the way, if you'd like to see it.

On our thing. I'm doing Mr Codd's grave next week. Mr Codd's grave? No, Mr Codd. Oh, OK. I'm going to his grave. I thought that was some kind of... It's part of the... Not Mr Codd's grave.

Sounds like the sort of thing that Norman Wizard... Mr Codd's grave? I was thinking there was some kind of reference in there. Oh the... Not Mr. Codsgrave. Is that the sort of thing that Norman Wizard... Mr. Codsgrave! I was thinking there was some kind of referencing there. Are you being served by a character? Yeah, exactly. We have got a point of order, I'm afraid, Frank. 418 has texted, Frank Skinner just said cactuses instead of cacti.

Yeah. That's true. But I always think people that use the Latin plural have been a bit... Yeah. But people have said tardiai instead of Tardises. Come on, guys. Join in.

Join in with English. Those people have been the bane of my life, those people. What, teachers? No, the people that say Tardai instead of Tardises. Can I just say Frank is a teacher or was a teacher? But you know, I like to think I'm still a teacher. Yeah. But in a more general sense.

In many ways. So how was America? Did you enjoy it? Well I did Japan as well where I'm doing the diminutive batter magnet tiny tempura. Oh nice.

So desperate to get that in. It would be a good show, though, you'd think, the graves of catering icons. I'm here now at the graveside of Julie, of Julie's Pantry. I'd watch it. Yes, I was in, it was good. Big old plot that Greg's gonna have

yeah exactly I was I was I had a lovely time it's nice did you one thing about America it's very nice

you can quote me on that later review I love that TripAdvisor review exactly no it was good I stayed at a place called

the Econa Lodge so you can guess what kind of trip it was. Well, I don't think I've been there. No, what a surprise. It's like one of those hotel coffee table books that you see. Yeah. Fancy.

No, you see it in Edward Hopper paintings. It's one of those where your room opens onto the car park. Do you know what I mean? It's like Moe's Tower. Do you know what? I've always fantasised about staying in one of those. A bit like Psycho. Like in a Coen Brothers film or something.

Yeah. Excellent. I'm not sure that... Oh, it was a motel, wasn't it? No, it was a motel. Bates Motel, darling. Of course. And so was it nice, the Oconodome?

Well, you know, it sort of grew on me, is what it did. Yes. I like sleeping in a room where the heater is going, argh! You know, eventually, it's like you become wrapped in the sound. Yeah. And at least you don't hear extraneous sounds of people next door and stuff like that. Oh, I don't like that.

Yeah, I like... Well, you should say this because Frank is man of the people and he stays with the crew. No, it's because the BBC just don't have the money they used to. Right. We have to be straight about that. I had to... Of course, I had to go to

the... I meant I had to go to the American Embassy to get a visa. Oh, yeah. Not a visa. I don yeah. Not a visa. I don't think they have published any more. It's quite a tricky operation these days. But it was... Getting a visa. I'll tell you what it was.

Gather round for the adjective. It was Kafkaesque. Oh, was it? Oh, lovely. The red tape. Unbelievable. And there was lots of You know, big flags I mean, I know it was an embassy

I know, but were they there? Yeah, I think it's part of their shtick It meant that it was very Have you ever seen Judge Judy? Oh, of course Yeah, it was like that What sort of animals do you think we are? People sitting next to big flags, which I found unsettling.

Anyway, they said to me, I was having trouble filling in my form, and they said, I said, I'm trying it on my phone, it won't work. And they said, it doesn't always work on your phone. Could you just nip out to an internet cafe? They said that? I said, do they still have those? I nearly... I nearly did, eh?

Whatever happens to the woman behind the counter? Do they still have those? No. Internet cafe? Oh, yeah, I see them sometimes. But they tend to be internet cafes slash phone shops. Well, basically, you know those shops where you can buy phone covers? Oh, yeah. And then they just sell everything. With a tiger's face on. Yeah, so there's phone shops. Yeah. Well, basically, you know those shops where you can buy phone covers?

Oh, yeah. And then they just sell everything. With a tiger's face on. Yeah. So there's phone covers. Yes, we repair MacBook. And yes, you can use the computer. Or...

That's what those shops are. I'm talking about a cyber cafe. Yeah, you might have one if it's next to... It's not called cyber, Frank. ...a 300-bed hostel. But nobody else is using an internet cafe. Oh, we just sent her to go and find one.

Really? At your time of life, you're not using an internet cafe. Oh, no, exactly. It's an old guy. Absolute scenes, as I believe the youth say. Scenes. Absolute scenes. I didn't know what to do with myself.

Oh, fine. You just call me next time. Well, I call my agent. Did you? That's another bit of advice. If anyone's ever in trouble, call your agent. Frank Skinner on the radio. Can I just read?

This is a bit unusual, Saturday morning television. Can I read you some of the inscription from Colonel Sanders? Sure. It says, Colonel Harlan Sanders, founder of the Kentucky Fried Chicken Empire, and his beloved wife, Claudia, truly the colonel's lady and co-worker in his enterprises.

It's a lovely epitaph. Well, that's a lovely thing to say about someone. Yeah. What a guy. Not battered before you text him. No. Just embalmed you text him. No. Just embalmed like everyone else.

Don't get clever. This is something you have to explain to people every day. I think you are. Whenever people think of the Colonel they always think

I bet they bat. They didn't. I think that's mainly a myth you've thought about. I found out there's a vault there's a vault

where they keep the recipe to the batter. What, like a safe or something? A proper big vault. Yeah, a vault. It's like a safe, I suppose. It seems big, though. It is big. There's 11 files with the herbs and spices, each of the herbs and spices.

Oh, wow. There's only two executives from the company who know the recipe. That's like my age. So when it's made and mixed, yeah. Two executives from Absolute know and that's it. Good luck to them. And it's made by two separate companies, mixed and all that,

so they don't know what each other are doing. So it's a big secret. Oh, I like little things like that. Very exciting. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So me and Emily partied on down. We did. On Monday night, was it on down. We did. On Monday night, was it?

Yeah. Monday night. It's the new... Big party night. Yeah. Monday night's the new Monday afternoon. It's been rebranded. When the clocks go forward.

Yeah. Yeah. Were you at a gathering? Was it a screening? Often you two socialise in theatre circles. It was a house party. House party? Noel Edmonds? No.

No. He doesn't. I don't think he throws many parties. Not these days. Crinkly Bottom's not active these days. No. No, he doesn't either. He's at very astral nowadays. So, Noel. Well, he's moving to New at very astral nowadays so

Noel so I don't think he's moving to New Zealand I believe is he you heard it here first ladies and gentlemen

breaking news good luck everyone yeah so we went to can we say it was party it was yeah it was Jimmy Carr's party

you went to Jimmy Carr's party yeah and a Monday club a Monday club yeah amazing I've never been to Jimmy Carr's party? Yeah. And a Monday club. Yeah. Amazing. I've never been to Jimmy Carr's house before.

And as a host, he's very, he's an enthusiast. Yeah. He said to me when I arrived, don't just talk to people you've known for 10 years. That was his thing. And then you went over to David Baddiel. Well, I ended up with that, or Emily. Every time we went past, I was talking to someone I've known 20 years. That was his thing. And then you went over to David Baddiel. Well, I ended up with that or Emily. Every time we went past

I was talking to someone I've known 20 years. I did speak to Rob Brydon whom I've only known about eight years. Oh, OK. So that's fine. There was a lovely photo

of you two I had. He said to me, the thing with old age, Frank, you have to fight the temptation to rest in it as if it's a warm bath. Oh, I love... You don't get enough wisdom. Why fight that temptation?

I think I actually love Brydon. Oh, I love Brydon as well. I mean, he's a character. He is. And he's very well groomed. Brydon as well. He's a character. He is. And he's very well groomed. Brydon Groomed, I call him. Oh, very good.

Let's leave it. Let's go to the news. I think I'm... I'm going to be all right. I'm going to be all right. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Text us on 81215 People have, people do, people will Follow the show on Twitter

at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio site. There's your options. Use them at your leisure. Well, Steve Davis was in touch via Twitter. Steve Davis? Not Steve Davis, the ginger magician. No.

Steve Davis was referring to... The Romford robot. Yeah, a photograph of you we've just put up on Twitter. Okay. Next to Colonel Sanders Memorial. Yes. And he says, Nice overcoat, Frank.

Can you recommend stylish, comfortable footwear for travelling and sightseeing? Keep it below £100. I mean, I have never... I'm the fashion expert here. Yes, I know. It just seems you've stolen my crown. But...

Are you wearing a pair of desert boots in the said photo? No, you can't see my crown. Are you wearing a pair of desert boots in the said photo? No, you can't see my shoes in the photo. I do like the coat though. It's a nice... It's more like a car coat. I'd call it a Mac. I'm going that far.

Would you go Mac? I don't know if you should wear a big Mac when you're on Colonel Sanders graveside, but there we are. Oh, come on. That really needed some sort of a jingle for it. I mean, that was extraordinary scenes. Okay, here's one for you.

I like it. I like it. Thanks, Jerry. Okay. Anyway, Steve, he can't recommend anything right now, but what do you wear, Frankfurt Wearwise? Do you wear your desert boots? I wear quite a lot of...

What's the mod shop? Pretty Green. No. Been going around for ages. Lambretta. No. Ben Sherman. Ben Sherman, okay.

They do a nice sensible shoe. And the fact that that's where I bought that Mac as well. Get in there, son. I like the fact that he said it in a bit of a Mods Father way as well. Get in there, son. Yeah. Dad and quadrophenia. I would say under £100 if you've got time to break them in.

A pair of Clarks originals desert boots type thing if it's a dry country that you're visiting if it's a wet country you're taking your life into your hands there because they're very slippy I'd say in a mud job, Honda £100 OK, well I'm not going to recommend anything because I like the fact that you two are currently the

fashion correspondents We do menswear Simple as that Hi David Gandy Yeah So Yeah So I'll tell you what

I did talk to someone I hadn't known for ten years I'd never met before Who Dynamo Well I've got a couple Of Dynamo anecdotes I don't know where to start

Yeah I don't want to steal Your Dynamo thunder Well I don't have any Dynamo thunder Wouldn't be a bad name For a wrestler Well can I tell you

Why you were talking To Dynamo Well I't be a bad name for a wrestler well can I tell you why you were talking to Dynamo well I was pestered why by me I was happy to talk to him well but my partner was pestering him

well I'll tell you what happened Al with Dynamo so firstly we saw Dynamo standing by a pillar and then suddenly or was it

all the lights yeah went off and then very bright and I turned round to him in a bit of low-level comedy, and I said, now that's magic. Because he'd lent a kick against the light switch. Excellent.

I believe it was accidental. And he went, I didn't mean to do it. It was a mistake. He got quite concerned about it. He was a lovely chap. And then thanks, Kath, got absolutely obsessed and said, I want to meet him. I mean, I thought strange love rival, but there you go.

Kath never wants to meet celebrities. She said, I really need to meet him. Can you go over? I said, I think we have to bring in Skinner. I said, what's the thing? And she said, I think he goes to my gym. So we went over and there was a long chat about him going to the gym

and his partner going to the gym and what they thought about the trainer. He gave you a very big hug. He gave you a hug? Yes, he did. As he approached, you went over to him, you said, excuse me, Dynamo, an extraordinary moment. Yeah. And he embraced you. It was lovely. I forgot

the embrace. For the rest of the night, people would kick you. Hold on, where's my wristwatch? Yeah, yeah. I forgot the embrace. Chapter 7. No, he was, as you say, he didn't show me a trick as well. I was going to ask that. They always show you a trick. I've never met a magician before

who doesn't show me a trick. They're always like pack of cards in their jeans pockets, guys. Always. I don't know. I mean, there's no... Like, I met Tom Jones once. He didn't say,

do you want a song? I'll do a song for you. The young New Mexican puppeteer Saw the people all lived in fear Thought that maybe they'd listen too I'm going to sing it now. A puppet telling them what to do And so he got some string and he got some wood

Did some carving and he was good I'm going to stop singing it now. So, you know, why is it magician? Although, fair now i can think of it rob bryden did tell me something that was in his current stand-up act so he did the trick i'm loving that but no he didn't i met dynamo he didn't do a trick can you adam and eve no frank. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. If it's fine to broadcast it,

Jimmy Carr's parties have a reputation on the comedy circuit for having quite the cast list, don't they? They quite often have a real crew of... We're not allowed to know. Shall I give you a par example there was a doubles

pools game between Dynamo and his mate and Rachel Riley and Pasha from Strictly Come Dancing

there was a dispute about whether you can snooker someone off a foul shot which obviously you can't they asked me

I told them the law. Did you? Very strictly. I nearly put my white gloves on. Absolutely. Very strictly. Nice pun, Frank. They weren't totally sure.

Weren't totally sure about that. And they asked Jamie Redknapp for a sort of casting. Did they? That's what the environment was like. At least they went to a sports guy. Exactly. But I know that you can't, you're supposed to establish these things, house rules, before you

start, but you can't tell people anything. Frank did, you'll be delighted to hear, have a moment of, bit of a gitter, bit of a git. Did he? Bit of a gittery. Did I? Well, it was very low-level gittery, Frank. This could get awkward. It was very low-level gittery, but I liked it.

I did like it. I feel tense. You were asking for some water and the lady said, I don't have any. And Frank said, what about that? Sparkling water. Yeah, sparkling water. He said, what about that little can of Perrier over there? He pointed

at the bar. He wasn't having it. She said, I'll go to another bar to get water. He said, no, hang on, hang on. What about that can there? Pointed. She brought it over. It's empty wasn't having it. She said, I'll go to another bar to get water. He said, no, hang on, hang on, what about that can there? Pointed. She brought it over. It's empty. She shook it. He said, okay, okay. He said, what about that other can? Over there.

Pointed at another can of Perrier. She then brought it over. She said, okay, yeah, it's full. You can have. I've never seen anyone look so happy. His face. Just, you know, what's the problem?

What was the problem with that? Just give me the can of peri and then you can move on. We can both move on. Anyway, that was that. You can tell this is a crazy night I had. Oh, the look of triumph on your face. But I had a very nice time, actually. Oh, good, I'm glad.

It was fun. What else? That's my catchphrase. I'll tell you who we need to talk about this morning. One of my, not a shouldn't but would, but a nearly but didn't of mine, Shaquille O'Neal. Not Simon from Blue. No.

Wasn't he one of your nearly but didn'ts? Yeah, he was, yeah. Was he? Yeah. He said, I don't see a ring, give me your digits. Excellent. What a lad. You got it all.

I'm going to find a suitable jingle. It's a bag of towels. that I'm going to find a suitable jingle. So if anyone wants to use that out there on any ladies, I'm having that, you know, go for it. Didn't work for Si, but, you know, them's the breaks. Shaquille O'Neal. The Shaq. Yeah. Excellent.

Who I should explain, I didn't have previous with him, but I met him at a party some time ago in my youth. And did your heart stand still? No, he expressed an interest. Did he? Yes. What did Shaquille say? Hello down there.

Well, I don't know. I was looking at his tummy button at the time. I bet you were. But he's seven foot one. I did remember that. Can I say I have met Shaquille O'Neal myself. Worked them all? Good for you.

Yeah, exactly. Jimmy Carr's party. No, Jimmy Carr's party I think was perhaps a bit... I don't know if people like us talking about celebrities being around, but when I met Shaquille O'Neal, I was with Adrian Childs and we were in Bette Midler's dressing room in Las Vegas. And actually, I met Shaquille O'Neal and I said, do you know the best way to the Alamo?

Which is a hell of a directions from Shaquille O'Neal. He didn't. He didn't know the Alamo. He knew the Alamo, obviously, but he didn't. Can I just say that? That's not what he said to me, but that's another story. We'd like to hear that

well he was interested in carrying on the party and he invited me back oh and I thought

this maybe wasn't a good idea no he obviously thought you were a slam dunk we were discussing

Shaquille O'Neal's, let's say, pass, Emily. It was. It wasn't a night's move. I mean, it was a straight... It was a straight pass. He was going for the slam dunk, as Frank pointed out. But he's made the papers this week by possibly outing himself as a flat earther.

I think this might be a thing in America now. You used to do a thing about two words that make any story believable are in America and I think that is, like there's people there that believe that the earth is not round. Shaq, to his credit, I think might have been joking. He said it's true.

Have you actually listened to that bit of the podcast? No. Have you? When I read it I thought I bet he was joking. He said it's true. Have you actually listened to that bit of the podcast? Yes, I have. Have you? When I read it, I thought I bet he was joking. When I heard it, I thought, I don't think he's joking.

He sounds very serious about it. He sounds very, you know when people say, oh, well, they tell you that. Oh, yeah, you've seen the pictures in a very sort of a, you're naive, but they are sophisticated.

Yeah. He's a bit like that well I've heard him speak since then about it he was actually on a podcast that I listen to

occasionally and he said I was joking and he said the thing you have to know about Shaq is that I'm 80% fun

and 20% serious I wish I'd known that on the night I would have been in like Flynn I thought that was quite an interesting percentage Emily calls him the love shack

Oh Frank David Baddiel's on the telly Don't say that people will switch off now and put David Baddiel on Oh yeah I couldn't help it I was excited I'm sorry Yeah but you're criticising me but you are both just watching it now I was watching you I'm sorry. Sorry. Yeah, but you're criticising me, but you are both just watching it now. I'm not.

I was watching you watching David Baddiel whilst we're all doing radio. I'm not. I'm very... So that's interesting. We don't know now, do we? Because I say he did a very convincing... But he did.

He said, I drive from coast to coast and it's flat to me, which seems like empirical evidence. That bit of it, I thought he was messing about a bit. Wasn't he doing that thing of I was joking? Isn't that a classic thing, though? I was just joking.

When you say something silly? Yeah, when you're actually a bit embarrassed. Like that time that I said Descartes. That was a laugh on it. You did climb your joke, didn't you? Or I called that breed of dog a

Weimaraner oh yes instead of Weimaraner oh is it these we have loved yeah so good jokes is it

but what is it Frank I mean is this he was asked about another sportsman who definitely did believe he was serious about the flat earth thing.

I mean, in a way, it's brilliant. I would be so thrilled if they found out the earth was flat. It'd be just so great. Yeah. Do you think those people that are flat earthers just see cliffs and think, there's the edge? That's it. I don't know what they exactly think about the edge.

That's what... I don't mean the edge. I was going to say. How long does it take him to put his hat on, Frank, in the morning? Exactly. Do you reckon the edge from you two is a flat earther? Is it a big biblical thing, then? No. Oh, I thought it was.

I was told it was. I don't think it was really established in the... Oh, I understood it was. My apologies. Well, it might... I think until you were able... i suppose you looked at the moon and thought oh well that if that's like that yeah he says as you see we're on slightly thin ice here um i don't i don't know he says he drives from coast to coast which is how he knows. It's a long drive. I did the coast-to-coast walk with Kath once.

Flat. On the harebrained theorist thing that you think are ridiculous, you know my theory that Katherine Jenkins is Lucifer's representative on Earth? Yes. Well, I do an art show on Sky called Portrait Artist of the Year. Yeah. And in the final of that show, one of the guys had to paint Katherine Jenkins.

It was a commission piece. She didn't come in. I mean, I had the holy water and everything ready. She didn't come in. And he went and painted that. And you can look. It's on catch up. On the painting, there are two horns. She horns she has horns no you can't get around it

and now it it seems it it might be the light behind it but it's very it's a bit of a coincidence that's all i'm saying so i you know i would be slow to shoot down any harebrained theory on the strength of that i'm still convinced there might be something in it. You'll look back on this and say, so, gosh, she actually was Lucifer's representative on Earth. Who knew? And I'll tell you who knew. Frank.

Frank Skinner on the radio. I do empathise with Shaq and the other Flat Earthers. I think sometimes when people say a science fact, it's very hard to get it. Do you know what I mean? Like when science people say, oh, you actually see upside down. Your eyes see upside down,

but your brain flips the picture around the right way. Is that right? That's what they reckon. And you go, that's rubbish. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. No, I'm not having that. That's what they reckon. And you go, that's rubbish. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. No, I'm not having that. That's what they reckon.

And your blood in your veins is blue. It turns red on air contact with it. Why do we know that? Exactly, because you can see it in your veins. It looks blue. Well, that could be anything. Yeah, I know. It's silly, isn't it?

But science. I love these two blokes in the pub moments. Well, how do we know that? You're round, mate. You always say that when it's your round. I would love to find out it's true, but there does seem to be photographic evidence suggesting that it's a sphere.

Yeah, but Shaq says, I mean, I appreciate I'm referring to him in a very intimate fashion, but Shaq says, I mean, I appreciate I'm referring to him in a very intimate fashion, but Shaq says satellite imagery could be drawn and made up. Well, he knows all about spheres, of course. Well, he does. That's his business. That was his chat up line to me that night. Oh, yeah.

If you could find a large expanse of desert that had the word Spalding across it, or Wilson, you might be able to convince him. Now, can I tell you something? Do you remember many years ago I said, someone texted in and said, what's your ambitions? And mine was to appear in Doctor Who. Thus started a slow trajectory towards that dream coming true. It's also an ambition of mine to appear in an artist's impression.

Oh, yeah. You know, of a future building. Oh, I thought you were going to say not a courtroom sketch. I don't want that coming true. No, I love a courtroom. I love a courtroom. I don't want you to be in one, Frank.

You understand. I would like a gallery of pastel people in court and an artist's impressions of future shopping centres and stuff like that. Yeah. There's usually a man in the artist's impression

who's carrying a briefcase. That's what I'd like to be. There's a suggestion that business people will be around. You could be that guy. And they have couples, lots of couples.

The lady always has a little handbag as well. Their skirts, I noticed, tend to be sort of knee length. You rarely see a little handbag as well. Their skirts, I notice, tend to be sort of knee length. You rarely see a mini or a maxi. Frank, knee length and slightly A-line. A bit flirty, the skirt. A bit Kate Middleton, the women's clothes look.

The women generally, there's very little chronic obesity in an artist's impression. I've never seen any. Probably trying to save on pastels for the next drawing. Well, they don't always do pastels. I mean, that's the court, people. Yeah.

But if there's an architect who's in the midst of an artist's impression at the moment of a future building, give us a thought. Oh, I'd love that. Pop you in there with your briefcase so that it doesn't look like you're just going for a random walk. Yeah, but it's not going to work because they're trying to flog new properties

and Frank in his sort of overcoat with a plasmy bag. Look, that overcoat's all ready. I do like that overcoat. It's got its admirers. Talk of the town. I'm calling it a Mac. Alex Skidmore has tweeted us to say, find someone that looks at you the way Frank looks at the Colonel.

I think that's a good adage for life. Every dating agency should have that as their screensaver. That's a good thing. Anyway, if Shaquille's wrong about the flat earth, I'm sure he'll hold his hand up. It was a basketball joke. Yeah, no, I got it. He's got it internally.

Shaquille O'Neal finally got his way. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank's got banana in his mouth. No, no one would have picked up on that. Yes, they would have. I think they might have had a suspicion. A bit of French for you there. No one would have picked up on that. Yes, they would have. I think they might have had a suspicion. Okay. A bit of French for you there.

No one would have picked up on that. I think they might. Ah, there you go. It's gone. It's history. It is. Banana history. One of my favourite strands.

Another thing that Shaquille O'Neal said on that podcast that I heard him talk about is that he has a thing that he calls the panel, which are five trusted friends and family that keep him on the straight and narrow.

Professor Green said to me he doesn't trust anyone who's got more than four friends. Well, he has five. Three, he might have said three. He has five on the panel. Then we can officially say Professor Green doesn't trust Shaquille O'Neal. No wonder he's a flat earther.

Yeah. Does he wear a flat earther kit? With the kit. Carry on. Very good. But I thought that was interesting. Like, these people, he just turns to them and he talks about them.

Like, yeah, I was talking to the panel. So-and-so's on the panel. Does he gather them together or speak to them separately? Oh, sure. Maybe they do the old conference call. I don't know. I'd just say, panel, so-and-so's on the panel. Does he gather them together or speak to them separately? Oh, sure. Maybe they do the old conference call. I don't know.

I'd just say, yeah, you're probably wondering why I've gathered you here. Tonight, panel. It's interesting, though. We've got a few things to sort out. Do you know five people you'd be happy to have on your panel? No, I don't think so. I'm thinking two. Three, three max.

I do. Max is one of them. Yeah. I've got three max. I don't know if you'll get anything out of it sorry I think I have got an unofficial panel I suppose we've all got a bit of a panel

apart from I know we get a lot of desperately lonely people listen to this show but I think generally speaking sorry it's alright it's alright Carly's listening now

I'm just going to listen to fang skin I'm just going to go for a drive I've experienced loneliness it's nothing to be ashamed of me too I like the idea of a sort of an official panel of friends but I'd want them all in one

outfit I'd like them to be at the same desk. A round table? Like a big round table? Yeah, a round table. Well, there you go. King Arthur had a panel.

He did, didn't he? With my panel, I go to them for different things. So, Frank, you cross a couple of things. You're on my panel. Okay. You would be matters of the heart and career advice too big is come on yeah yeah come on is alan a minister without portfolio minister without fort boyard anything related to exercise and cars i'll'll take that. I think, yeah, I can say that.

Thank you. Who's on Shaquille's, did he say? One of them's his mum, two uncles, and his agent slash lawyer, and another guy. Why wouldn't you have family on, Frank? I don't know. I bet he's got some good advice. Yeah.

I'm sure he has, but now that I don't drink anymore, how to take on a yard of ale without getting it off your nose is not the kind

of advice I need. How to sleep rough without getting a dead leg. I don't need it in my life. But I love him. I don't think it in my life. But I love him. I don't think you've got to just love a people

you love though. It's got to be people you associate with wisdom. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In other sporting news Marianne Thelene's house is on the map. It's not Marianne, it's something...

It's Mar... What was it, Marouane? Or you say it? Yeah. Don't you pronounce it? Marouane Fellaini. Marouane or something. Fellaini.

Manchester United footballer. And he's got his house up for sale. Big hair. I thought you needed to know. Big hair. That is what he's called. Yeah. It says in the article, big haired footballer.

Yeah, well, then you know immediately who it is because there aren't many afros in the Premier League. It must be a bit upsetting for him, though, because footballer is quite often received by... He knows it's his brand. He's as upset as Kim Kardashian is when she gets publicity for her booty, I would say. Like hard man footballer or talented footballer

but he gets big haired footballer there's nothing it's not there's no cachet there Robbie Charlton

would have killed for that for big haired he would have sacrificed like much loved super skilled or whatever it was

for big haired yeah well it's the cross he has to bear Clyde from the hair bear bunch same thing he had he was only known

for his hair. Yeah. And his belt without underwear. You're absolutely right. And also, people yelled help, help, I think, whenever he was in the vicinity.

Mr Beasley. It may also be true of Fellaini. I don't know, I haven't had Fellaini for years. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Where are you, love? I'm quite hard to think. Yeah, I am. And I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran as well, if you want to know. Did you know, as my son would say. You can text... That's an aggressive start to this hour.

Text the show... I'm going to do it in one breath. Text the show on 8, 12, 15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I don't know how these professional presenters do it, but what else do they do?

Nothing. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. We're talking about Fellaini. Big-haired footballer. Yes. And his house is on the market, if anyone's interested,

out there, 2.3 mil. Oh. Yeah. I imagine he... I'll give it thought. Is he one of those that lives in... What's that place all the... Is it West Derby?

oh no that's in Liverpool Olderley Edge I was getting my Liverpool and my Manchester mixed up which might well be because I think it says Cheshire Home that's what they usually call it in the papers because they can't give out their address can they? well I had a good nose

doesn't he live at the Wonderland Zoo anymore? is Mr Peasley? is he at the Wonderland Zoo? oh there are certain bears who what was the name? Mr what? Mr Peasley Mr Peasley was he Wonderland at the Wonderland oh there are certain bears who what was the Mr what Mr Peasley Mr Peasley

the bears ooh ooh Peasley Peasley is that what it was yes anyway I had a good nose online around this house thank you very much

I like to have a little look around a footballer's crib yeah just do it online these days. Barbershop. Yeah, you're not a man on the floor anymore.

A man on the ground. Those days are gone. On the floor was a bit of a Freudian. On the ground is what I meant. That was a long night. He's got the standard footballer's paraphernalia. And, you know, I know of whereof I speak. There's the table tennis table.

Always the table tennis. I used to have one of those. Me and my friend used to play with our shirts off in darkness. Women in love. We had it lit outside. Low rent, broke back mountain. The worst generation version of the fight in Women in Love. We used to play till like 11, you know, midnight, outside.

Oh, it was outdoor? Outdoor, yeah. Oh, got you, got you. This is in the warm weather. Extraordinary story. Yeah, isn't it? I like a bit of, I know they don't like it, but I like a bit of ping pong.

I've said it. Anyway, he's got that anyway he's got the table tennis and the leather sofas yeah no way yeah monochrome

he loves a leather sofa no way and they're the sort of sofas they're leather and I appreciate I went into a lot of detail here but this matters to me leather with a bit of fabric

oh yeah the sort of sofas you used to see in the Sincerely Hope to See You All in Courts days. I haven't seen them since then. Oh, yeah. Like a sort of... The court sales used to be done by Bruce Forsyth, the adverts.

Birmingham in the 80s. I do not remember this. Silencing courts, he used to say. Oh, nice. Yeah. Anyway, most stunning of all, of course, is the hairdressing salon that Fellaini has. He's got a salon with the red leather chairs,

some 80s, what looks like Athena artwork on the wall. It's fabulous. It is. Does it have a name? No, I don't know. It's Barbershop. Fellaini's Barbers. I bet it's not a barber's. I looked lay in his barbers. I bet he's a lot of barbers.

I looked at all that stuff and thought, that'll be in the skip as soon as this house purchase has gone through. Because somebody's going to rip it out and turn it into a different room. Well, I often wondered what happened to my West Bromwich Albion bathroom. I had broad blue and white stripe with tiles. You didn't? Yes. Not in that beautiful house?

In the one in England's Lane. Yes. And I had a... Devastating. I commissioned a... I think it was something like 14 inches by 14 inches West Bromwich Albion badge in tiling material, which was on the wall in there.

They don't already just make one of those? Funnily enough, I went in two different tiling shops and couldn't get one. Odd. So I often wonder if to rip that out. Depends who bought it. I imagine that if he was to put a hair dryer

on Fellaini that all his hair would... Alex Ferguson. I think, yeah, exactly. See, he missed him, unfortunately. I reckon it would blow all his hair out and little Fellainis would grow all over the people's gardens. Oh, yeah, like spiders, Frank. That's the look of it.

What am I thinking, Dandelion? Frank Skinner on the radio. Frank, we love talking about tea on this show. Do we? Well, I love talking about it. I love drinking it. I'm drinking it as we speak. The only thing I'm not so keen on is making it, if I'm honest.

But I will do it if I have to. Luckily, you live in an age where that's not forced upon you anymore. Well, Gemma Collins once, on an episode of Celebrity Big Brother, Luckily, you live in an age where that's not forced upon you anymore. Well, Gemma Collins once, on an episode of Celebrity Big Brother, said, honestly, love, you make someone a cup of tea, it's like you're giving them £1,000. In what respect? Well, just that it's an act of generosity towards someone and people are so grateful for a cup of tea.

Oh, yeah, that is nice. I find them more grateful if you give them £1,000. You tested this theory already. I have, I saw. Oh, and Sarah makes our tea. It lifts my morning. Thank you. But have you seen this?

Lift me up. He was always such a Jerry fan. Yes. It was always your favourite, Frank, wasn't it? Anyway. That's Lord Haw Haw you're thinking of. He was a big Jerry fan. Yes. It was always your favourite Frank, wasn't it? That's Lord Haw Haw you're thinking of. He was a

big Jerry fan. Anyway, carry on. I should have laughed externally, but apologies for not. That's fine. Anyway, this character William Gorman, who's chairman of the Tea and Infusions Association. What a job that is. Tea guru, according to the

newspaper. I wonder what other infusions he deals with that aren't tea. Good point. Lavender. Lavender infusion. He likes a bath. He loves a soak. Would that still class as an infusion? Wouldn't it?

I don't know. I don't know, but I like that you looked at me. Yes, of course I did. As the infusion sex man. Well, I associate lavender with the elderly, so I wouldn't be too complimented well I associate it

with Ian who's something of a friend of a show of course oh Ian Lavender yeah anyway I'm playing

I'm still standing for him this morning I think he's the last of the Dad's Army cast isn't he I say I'm still standing he's not still standing we saw him on his knees

outside a local cafe it's a different story. It's another story. Celebrity fall. Anyway, with this William Gorman character has been warning about how boiling the same water more than once removes the oxygen and nitrogen and gets a really bad cup of tea.

So it's about sort of tea-making advice. He says that's the worst thing you can do. What, to re-boil the kettle? Well, I've got... I don't know if it's the worst thing you can do. What, to re-boil the kettle? Well, I've got... I don't know if it's the worst thing you can do. Not in life. He needs to read the rest of the paper. Just pass me any newspaper and I'll disprove that.

In terms of tea making... There'll be someone in there. Tea making etiquette, apparently that's a big no-no. Now, I was confused when I read this because what is he talking about? Is he talking about pouring boiling water into an already existing cup of tea? No. He's talking about boiling water in the kettle and then it goes cold and then you boil it up again.

Oh, I see. It's re-boiling the same water. Right, so it has to be the fresh water. Frank has just described about 70% of the tea I drink at home. Well, I think most people leave it. You don't come back. you don't drain the kettle. No, I always have something sloshing about in there. Yeah, well, I mean, I can't...

It's too impractical to carry this out. It does make me think if I didn't do it... You know, occasionally you have a cup of tea and you think, that was a really nice cup of tea. If I went back through my journal... Yeah. You know my tea journal? Yeah.

Would I find out that they were always ones when the kettle was completely empty and I filled it up? Don't you now favour the clear kettle? I do. So that means... That would encourage me to empty it more, I think. No, I don't think it does. You just look at it and think, yeah, it's a cop in there.

Right. Put it back on again. So is the joy of the clear kettle that you never have that moment when you lift the kettle, you know, when you think that there's quite a lot of water in it, but you just check, but you quite violently lift up what turns out to be an empty kettle and it goes, whoa! Oh, I've done that. Is this the most specific observation I've ever done in my comedy career? The jerky kettle move is...

Oh, good. The struggle is real. I think there may be only you and I on earth. Yeah, the thing is, at my age, I'm doing it for the other reason. I don't want to pick up a full kettle and then be back in. for the other reason. I don't want to pick up a full kettle and then be back in. We've had various texts about our tea conversation.

Jez has texted us, My kettle has an app so I can now see how full it is on my phone. That's made up. It's not finished yet and turn it on. How did I manage before? That's from turn it on how did i manage before that's from jez how did he manage before i mean this is called the internet of things isn't it that's what they're talking about when when your kettle is on the internet and it's communicating the internet of things you haven't heard of the internet of things i like it the of Things. It's like the basket of deplorables. Your car is probably on the Internet, isn't it? You can text my car with a destination for its...

Internet of Things, that's what it's called. It's a modern thing. I don't know about you, if I text someone they don't text me back, that's the last text they ever get from me. That's so intolerant. Yeah, and your point is? Well, one of his things which surprised me is he says the milk should go in last.

I'm with him on that. Yeah, me too, of course. What do you mean I'm with him on that? Any civilised being is. I've always, always put the milk in first. That's what I was taught. That's what proper tea making is. Two things. You're ruining the teabag and sometimes you might have too much milk.

How do you know I'm using the teabag? Oh, OK. You know, because when you assume, you make an ass of you and me. Oh, God! Apparently. I'm not... I mean, how can I put this?

I mean, your dad did advise that you should carry salt in your pocket. So this was the advice you were brought up with. Did he also tell you to put the milk in first? Two pieces of tea-making advice my mother gave. Oh, go on. One was don't put a hot tea bag in the bin or you'll set the bin on fire. And the other one was whenever people came round,

she'd give them a cup of tea and say, do you take sugar? And if they said no, she'd say, oh, well, don't stir it then. Because she put two sugars in every cup of tea she ever made. Oh, did she? I like that. Terrible waste of sugar.

People in the third world, et cetera, et cetera. Yes. Yeah. Do you give the teabag a squeeze? Yes. Oh, good. Me too.

But can I say, I'll tell you what I do. Answer the question, please. You're winners. I give it quite a gentle squeeze, but I don't like it when somebody else makes me a tea and they really,

you know, some people really violently jam it up against the wall of the mug. Oh, now I think it might split. Oh, I don't jam it against the wall of the mug. Oh, now I think it might split. Oh, I don't jam it against the wall of the mug. I do it with thumb and forefinger. Oh, do you? Oh, no, it's too hot.

I'll be the judge of that. Well, do you wear a falconry gauntlet? I love heat, as you know. You want to be careful of that. Marigold, if you must ask. You put a marigold on? No, I use my naked fingers. That is disgusting.

No, it's not. I'm immaculate. I see no ring. Give us your digits. Squeeze the tea bag. Do you ever get that, I don't know what cause is this, but I don't like it. Occasionally, and I can't, again, I'll go through my tea journal, but I can't like it. Occasionally, and I can't again, I'll go through my tea journal

but I can't find a common denominator. Every now and again, I make a cup of tea and on the surface of it in a darker brown than the tea is a small map of the Norfolk Broads.

Do you know that? That film that sort of sits on the top of the thing. That's when you leave the bag in for too long. Oh, my wife complained about that. So what I do is I've counted. I'm really quite mathematical about this. It's about 18 times. Swish, swish to each side.

About 16 swishes. And then two squeezes. You will never get a Norfolk Broad map again. But what about letting it just... I let it just sit in there for a bit. Well, that's why you've got your map. Sounds like hard work, your Joe Swish, I'm going to call you from now on.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's an apple this time. Frank was eating a banana previously during the show. How can that happen? I just forget. It's almost like you forget. We've had a text from Stu. Frank, my pedantic ex demanded the kettle be emptied after every use as apparently leaving the water in causes the lime scale to form.

Is that right? I'm glad that we've had something about tea from stew. Yeah. And let us not forget... Like a baby without a pram Burning without his ham Where would we be Without tea

We'd be going for a coffee. Gilbert. It's the answer. Magnificent Gilbert O'Sullivan on tea. Well, the feature I read about this includes something I wasn't aware of. And I used to read a lot of George Orwell. There's one George Orwell novel I haven't read.

I once, when I was teaching, I had a class of 20 17-year-old girls. And it was GCSE, and you could choose the book. So I chose Homage to Catalonia, which is Orwell's. Well, that went down well. Yeah, they hated it. They absolutely hated it. It was George Orwell's non-fiction account of the Spanish Civil War. One girl I remember in about the second class on it

stood up, came right up to the desk, stared at me for about five, six seconds and then just walked, stormed out. Did she? She sounds like my spirit animal. So, you know, I've been through hell with George Orwell. Still, in the end, it was so unpleasant. I think that class was what finished me off with teaching.

Right. Really? That and that incident. It was taking a very dark time. An incident with a college goat I can't discuss on air. I know about that college goat story. It's awful. And in the end, I had to leave the college

and become a very successful comedian. Yes. So, as they say, all well that ends well. Oh, lovely. But he wrote a description of how to make tea, which I wasn't aware of. George Orwell did, yeah. And it said, George Orwell said, put the milk in last.

And I thought, you know what, if George Orwell says it, I'm going to go. So since I've read that article, which I think was Friday morning, every cup of tea I've made, I have since put the milk in last. Have you gone Orwellian? I have. I've gone completely Orwellian on the tea front. Just for anybody who's not encountered the phrase Orwellian? I have. I've gone completely Orwellian on the tea front. Just for anybody who's not encountered the phrase Orwellian before, don't think that's what that always means.

No. That's how to mix it up. Do you think that's what that means? Because you might embarrass yourself. That would be great. No, it's, you know, so I'm sticking with George Orwell. I mean, you know, it's feisty. I've made a few quid out of his Room 101 concept. Exactly, yeah.

So, you know, He's done all right by you. He's done me proud. Well, 426 says, Morning Gang, the milk was always put in first to stop china cups from cracking when putting in the water. There you go. A fellow tea lover. Those days are gone.

I didn't like... There's a mention of Orwell in the article that I saw, and it said, you know the tea guru, Mr Gorman? Yeah. It know the tea guru Mr Gorman, it says extraordinarily Mr Gorman advocates something which, had they been invented, Orwell would surely have balked at, using a microwave to make tea.

I don't like them foisting a strident opinion on microwaves under George Orwell. I'm afraid I would have to agree. He wasn't short of strident opinions. Why necessarily would he have hated microwaves? It's a good question.

Well, I agree with you. He didn't see them coming. There's none of them in 1984. They're hanging around for ages making a... warming a pie in 1984. I am... Actually, did they have microwaves

in 1984? Just about about I think in the year 20 minutes to go now we've got a text in did they have microwaves I love that I love that

so solid Chris sorry well I I hate to say I told you so like most people like most people I actually love to say

I told you so yeah another can of Perrier over there. I said on this show a few weeks ago that I microwaved tea. And I almost vomited. Yeah, and I was shot down in flames. Yeah, and you're still shot down in flames. I'm on the side of the man who's the head of the tea and infusion society.

I'll stick with George Orwell. He couldn't have an opinion, could he, on microwaves? He wouldn't have liked them. who's the head of the tea and infusion society. I'll stick with George Orwell. He couldn't have an opinion, could he, on microwaves? He wouldn't have liked them. Look, I would say... How did he feel about Sky Plus? 90% of people in this country have microwaves. And apparently only 30% of Italians do. I think that says it all.

But, well... Because they know about food. What does it say? It could say that about cold sauce. But well... Because they know about food. What does it say? It doesn't say that about cold sores. They drink more coffee. I don't think I've ever seen an Italian with a cold sore. Me neither. There you go.

Does any Italians listening have had a cold sore at 12.15? What do you use the microwaves for? Other than warming up tea. What do I use them for? Yeah. Processed food. No, I don't eat much processed food. Well, then what's it for?

I use them for the first 95% of a baked potato or all 100% of a baked potato. Yeah, but a baked potato is a big job in a microwave. Well, this is good. I want to learn. And I don't like the way that they form their own coaster. Oh, this is good. I want to learn. And I don't like the way that they form their own coaster. You know, that really hard, sinuous base that you get on a potato.

I like it. It sort of forms its own backbone. Yeah, I sort of eat it. I eat it off the base. But then I don't know what to do with the sinuous, hard base. I could use it as an organic coaster. I could also use it for reheating leftovers. Okay. Well, look, maybe you might win me round. I'm not saying I can't be one round. Well, I noticed that David Tennant

on Broadchurch, Broadchurch 3, did exactly that. He also put his tea in a microwave. Oh, did he? And he was shot down in flames by Olivia Colman. Oh, was he? So I'm happy to be in the same Venn diagram as David Tennant and the boss of the tea and infusions network.

And I'm with Olivia Colman. Yeah. Thank you. So, you know, we've picked our sides. Oh, it's like when I was in the opposite not society. Now we're going to, I think we're going to recreate the Battle of Marston Moor. Gather round. There's been an accusation lobbed your way.

What again? You've been accused of lying. What? OK, so 853. Frank dot dot dot. Oh, I love the Passag dot dot dot. It's not a good start, is it? A little suspicious of your American Embassy story.

Mm-hm. Frank told a story earlier, in case you weren't listening about getting a visa. Sent to a cyber cafe, yes. Every time I've been in there, you were not allowed to take any phones or devices inside. How come you had your phone on you and were filling out the form online

inside the embassy? Three question marks to highlight the suspicion. Not one of the most catchy Agatha Christie novels, but there you go. When did you last go there? The Salem Witch Trials. trials well this has just been a few weeks ago and you have to put your your um in your phone into a plastic bag to get through the initial thing and then it's handed back to you there were several people trying to fill in

their form on their phones so you know thanks for contributing, but, um, wrong! Found the American Embassy. Do they do Saturdays? Do you think they will? No. It's alright, I'm happy, you know, we're all different. I love do they do Saturdays. No, I, you'd be, I tell the truth. I'm a big

fan of telling the truth. What about that? Champion of it. What about that for a statement? I'd go so far as champion of it. I think, you know, we're back, going back to the truth. What about that? Champion of it. I'd go so far as champion of it. I think, you know, we're going back to the tea. You remember tea? He's trying to press his jingle button and it

doesn't work. Why don't you do an approximation of what it would sound like? Oh, don't salt. He's had a mayor. He's had a mayor of a last link. Why didn't you do an approximation? No, you've gone off the idea now. Oh, don't, Sal. Well, I mean... He's had a mayor... Don't ask much. He's had a mayor of a last link.

He's had that incident over the visa. I've been called a liar. I mean, for what it's worth, I believed your American Embassy story. Is it so outrageous a story? No, I believed it. I mean, I think if it was a lie, it would be a poor one, wouldn't it?

And I think 853 is... I mean, why would you bother? It was a good story. I don't think it's your best. While I sat in there waiting, I was reading Herodotus' history, Greek history, on an app. How did I do that if I had my phone in? Good point. 8.12.15.

There's the proof. Yeah. I found him. Good point. 8, 12, 15. There's the proof. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. When I phoned out Keith and told him I'd won the Perrier Award, did I tell you that? What did you say? There's another can of it over there. I said, I've won the Perrier Award. He said, what's that?

I said, it's a big, massive comedy award. This is in 91. He said, oh, right. Well, what Perrier? I said, it's like a bottle of water. A bottle of water. He said, bottled water? I said, yeah. You buy a bottle of water. He said, how much do they charge for that? I said, this is not what I called.

I didn't call to talk about the ridiculousness of bottled water. I won an award. Anyway, I think the reason I put the milk in first for all those years is a bit like on those rare occasions when I've reversed into a parking space on a car park. So I'm pointing outwards and I walk away thinking, well, that's all the hard work done now.

Right. When I come back, it's straightforward. And when you put the milk in first, you just put water in and relax. Lovely. But from now on, I'm sticking with George Orwell. So thank you so much for listening this morning. Can I say before we go that our producer, Charlie, leaves today and she will be sorely missed.

We love her very much and she has been fantastic company and a rock to me, an absolute rock. Unfortunately, it's been in my shoe. No, she's been magnificent. We all miss her very much. So I know that you don't care about this at home, but we're sending her away with great love. Hear, hear.

Tot z'amosh. Tot z'amosh. Tot z'amosh, as they say. So, yes, thanks for listening. Okay, bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.