The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Carpe Diem

Episode Date: July 2, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and Le Coq Sportif. Frank saw a tribute band and has strong opinions about them. The team discuss Roy's resignation and Dame Judi's new tat.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, Frank. Good morning. Morning. Morning, everyone. Morning, Jim. Morning, Bina.

Morning, Richie um so hello hello how is everyone actually enjoyed a football match involved involving a british team last night yeah it's good it was spectacular wasn't it absolutely amazing what a week I've had on the entertainment front. I saw... Including Brexit in that? No. That was last week, officially. Fair enough. I saw a tribute band on Sunday. Just playing in the street.

We had a bit of a local street festival type thing, you know, when they close off the street for traffic and there are stalls, balloons. Were there people in high-vis tabards? Because I take it seriously when they're all... There was an element of high-vis going on, but there was, you know, there was

stalls advertising, you know, sort of, there was a bit of local bread making. Jam? I think, no, it wasn't that. Women's Institute. They weren't there. They had a stage and somebody said, well, we were given the

programme and it said 1615, not the Rolling Stones. Oh. Now, I mean mean I've always thought the joy of it in a tribute band is you come up with some wacky pun title especially with Stones

the possibilities are endless not the Rolling Stones I like that it's sort of just thinking that that's such a plus point but it's not the real ones but that'll be enough sure you could read that programme and think it's not it's not the real ones but that'll be enough why would you have gone you could read that program and think it's any band other than the road it's done exactly

it's the worst pr man of all time i'd have gone stepping stones suggesting they're not quite the stones oh i like that yeah there is a tribute band to the stones called something like the rolling bones but again i don't see any suggestion that they're an imitation of any there's something what about rolling drones rolling drones the rolling clones oh there you go yeah that's a good probably this one anyway sounds a bit like clowns um and they give me the creeps yes it's funny i've always liked people saying that about clowns i've always liked them don't you i'd like that man to come and live in my spare room well i would like the circus i would if it was the northampton clown of yeah

but yeah i always think imagine his car outside my house for the doors every morning you get up the doors it just like a racket though when the uh yeah so um they were brilliant not the rolling stones oh absolutely astonishing um i i was taken aback by it because you know you think tribute bands I don't remember the last time I've enjoyed a gig so much. It was great. Oh, really? Well, they're so obedient, tribute bands. Oh, they do the classics. Yeah, they just, yeah. They give them what they want.

They just give you exactly what you... And they sound like the records. And every new one. Exactly what you want. That's exactly it. There's no live messing around. No, you don't have to do that terrible deal that you have to do with your bands.

You know, we'll give you three or four of the songs you want to hear. We might mess about with them a bit, but mainly we're going to play stuff you don't actually want to hear, even though you've paid. And here's Rollywood's Jazz Odyssey. You know, that's what you generally have. That's the tax you pay. Exactly, but this was, no, we're going to actually,

and we haven't paid. We're just going to give you what you want if you actually saw the Rolling Stones. And I'm starting to think now, maybe I'll stop watching the real bands altogether. Well, that's my worry. If that's for free, that could undercut the Rolling Stones revenue stream quite...

Well, I saw the Rolling Stones a few years ago and the tribute band was considerably better. Frank! I'm sorry. We're on Absolute Radio. Great reviewer. Go get this all two years ago. I'm not saying I'll be playing them over the Stones.

That would be ridiculous. No, you're absolutely right. Put on that song that man in the attic made with the guitar. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I think you might have opened up the floodgates of alternative band names. Oh no, have I?

8, 12, 15. That's not one of them. Morning all, a few months ago I saw the Cast Off Kinks, that's with a K, cast. Oh, okay. Great name, and the band also included some original members, so that would make... Whoa, whoa, no, you can't! Oh! And it says, uh, no Ray Davies, but still a great night out, check them out. Peter Quaife.

Frank. That's not a tribute band, that's just live. Mick Avery. It doesn't go into details, Adam. Okay. Chingford, don't know if that's a surname or place. I used to love, obsessed with the Kings. So who are these people? Sound like people I used to... I was obsessed with the King's.

It's not like people I went to school with. He says check them out. He says you should check them out. I kept a bottle of an empty light ale bottle that Ray Davis had handed me from the stage at Birmingham Town Hall for some 25 years and then I lost it in a move. Oh. I think it was dropped by one of the removal men.

Sad story. We've had another one from MK Knight. The rolling phones, she's suggesting. It's spelt've had another one from MK Knight. The rolling phones, she's suggesting, it's spelt F-A-U-X. Yes, that's good. That's good because it's got faux in it. Oh, right. Do you understand?

I think so. Did I tell you I saw one advertised called Shania Twin? I like that. That's Apex's sister. Yes. What, the Cornwall craft work? Yes. Phil says we saw Noasis a couple of weeks ago

and they did exactly the same. All the classics. Yeah. They even behave like them. Brilliant. I'll tell you what, they were setting up on stage and I was standing next to a friend of mine and we were trying to work out

what period they were because the Stones obviously had been around for a long time, they're quite distinct looks so Keith was Keith as they call him he was modern day Keith those are the pirates of the Caribbean

exactly, pilots of the Caribbean with heavy flu. Right. That kind of look. So he was that. And then there was Mick Taylor, lead guitarist, who replaced Brian Jones from about 1970, he was. Oh, OK.

And then there was someone on keyboard who could have been Ronnie Wood, but was on keyboard keyboard which is very confusing but no Mick Jagger and we thought they're making a big mistake here because they're holding back the Mick Jagger so when he comes out he better be good because they're making it a bit of an event

while they were setting up their guitar remember this is in the street on the stage anyway Mick Jagger comes out absolutely excellent look-alike and sound-alike and dressed at 1981 tour, I would say.

Silk shirt? It was that sort of weird medieval very tight trousers where, you know, sort of very not exposing exactly. It doesn't leave much to the imagination. I know what you mean. It doesn't leave much to the imagination. I know what you mean.

No, no, it doesn't leave much to... Even to Walt Disney. Can I say congrats to Well Gone on your sartorial choice, Mick? Yes, but it was... And he came out and said, let's enjoy this Independence Day gig, which was a bad thing to say.

Oh. And, um, there's obviously a few remain votes there because there's a few boos went up and i remember thinking yeah it's all right for you tax exile and then i thought i'm getting a bit too far into the into the old tribute uh thing but honestly i mean i don't want them to write to me and say can you our careers? But if ever they played, they were absolutely magnificent. I'd forgotten that we have to do that deal with bands to play stuff we like. Why do we? We should just rebel.

What do they do? As a friend of mine once heard an actress say to a make-up woman, just do your job! That should be the chant at gigs. Frank? Frank Skinner. Good job! That should be the chant at gigs. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

The rolling phonies. Good. Troy has suggested, yeah. I think we might have stumbled on an answer to an email that I found in my Friday night troll here. Oh, FNT. FNT. FNT. FNT FNT

A sausage in a roll and a box for me. Doesn't quite work, does it? Dan has emailed Dan has emailed it says, dear Alan Frank Is it Dan Ashworth looking for work? No.

Who's Dan Ashworth? He's a senior man at the FA. Oh, is he? Yeah. Topical. Dear Alan, Emily and Frank, in no particular order, I have something of a conundrum. I can't do that, I'm a Catholic. Oh, very good.

To pay my way through uni, I deliver pizza for dominoes in whitstable one of your stomping grounds i've heard from yes if you can park oh we probably say if you can park that's a lovely bit of local material there he probably does have to park because he's in a car for dominoes or is he in a car is he one of that you know one of those bikes no because he's titled the email free time in the car so i've already pictured him in the car, I'm afraid. Yeah, you never told. I kept that to yourself. Sorry about that. I've never had a pizza delivery man in a car.

Well, here he is. Who am I kidding? I've never had a pizza delivery man. I've never had a pizza. Is that one of the odd-tick boxes of males in the population? It's hard because they get a lot of action. Well, this could be a lucky email for Dan. They get a lot of action Well this could be a lucky email for Dan They get a lot of action in the films I've seen Pizza delivery men

Must be very very big pizzas in Whitstable That's why they have to be delivered by four wheeled vehicles He says as a result I've seen them rolled I've seen blokes on scooters with the pizzas rolled Like carpet on the show Oh have you? Oh yeah

Nice As a result I spend a lot of time in the car and I'm wondering what can I do in all this down time that is worthwhile while still being safe

I hate wasting time and wonder if the gang has any interesting ideas praise redacted Dan so essentially he wants something that he can do

in the car whilst not delivering pizzas that isn't gonna be dangerous listen to a lovely audio book. I was thinking he could invent names for tribute shows. What about reading? Yes. I know there are people all over England Googling that at the moment.

Reading. Reading. Yeah, Reading's going to get a lot of hits on Wikipedia, isn't it? In London, I find that if you get a a professional um driver certainly the english ones that if you go to the car they're usually reading a true crime paperback yeah something mad frankie fraser or something like that yeah there's always some big sword on the front a big books oh yeah i call them books with swords on the front. Oh, yeah, there's those books. The samurai swords.

Yeah, there's those sort of fantasy books with the swords on as well. But, yeah, often it'll be something about an East End mobster. I would recommend a chess app. Chess app? Yeah. What, if you've got a phone, I mean. Yeah. What about Domino's?

He's delivering for Domino's. No, I know. But then what I'm saying is, if one of the managers went past and said, shouldn't you be delivering? He's just saying, well, I'm not actually delivering, but I'm still sort of on theme, if you like. Everything has to be...

Fat's Domino, he listens to. Everything has to be Domino themed. That'd be great. Fat's Domino on the thing. Ain't there a shame? And him going double six, let me say, that's eight points. Yeah, why not? I think audiobooks is a good call.

That is a good call. I'm currently listening to, on audio, 24 half-hour lectures on the Old Testament, which I would recommend. I've got a lovely one on the go, Emma Klein, The Girls. And then I saw David Badil say it was one of the greatest books he'd read. And he should know. And he's not easy with praise. No. Take it from me.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I tell you what, you know on our regular feature, when I look back and say, you never see those anymore. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So now I'm becoming a regular feature rather than just a thing you do.

Yeah. I'm calling it. You're embracing it. I've got a jingle for it. Take ownership of it. Oh, let's hear it. Whatever happens to you. So, let's hear it. So,

this week, Lovebite. Lovely. Lovebites. Oh, yes. Oh, I loved a Lovebite. I never see them anymore. No, you don't. I've got two young women in the room here. Uh-oh. How dare you? Okay. Can you just take the tapes off their mouths so they can speak? Just for a second.

Have either of you two ever had a love bite? Oh, sorry, I don't. I've been in trouble with them nowadays. All right, Chris Evans. There's so much on the social network, they can't have a face-to-face conversation. Toothpaste was the removal tip, wasn't it? Was it?

I didn't know that. I was a big love bite sporter, wasn't it? Was it? I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I was a big Lovebite sporter, I won't lie. Really? Well, you've got a Lovebite jumper on today. Yeah. I've got the polo now. I was a Love Island contestant of my time. Now, I did have the old Lovebite. Please don't say that. No, but Frank,

there was a real badge of honour to wear the scarf in the summer. I can't take it off. I wonder if some people wore the scarf and there was now a Lovebite underneath. Not me. Now I can the summer. I can't take it off. I wonder if some people wore the scarf and there was no love bite underneath. Not me. No, I can believe it. I remember I was on a bus once

on Corporation Street in Birmingham and this woman was struggling to get on with a pushchair. And she had a very low top on. She looked, I'll be honest, she looked common. Imagine if I said that. That's the trailer for next week's show. She had a very low top on. She looked, I'll be honest, she looked common. And she had... Imagine if I said that. That's the trailer for next week's show, so...

I could never say that. I haven't finished yet. On both, on her, what can I call it, on her bust, on each individual bust, she had a love bite. Hang on, she had an individual bust? She had a, on each one, a love bite. That is a horrible story. She got onto the platform of the bus and her mate said,

You all right now, Ursula? And I compared her to when Ursula Andress rose from the scene, Doctor No, and I thought, my goodness me, how different between art and life. But, yeah, so she weren't even on the neck she'd gone um she'd gone exploring or someone had someone someone had taken a very strange turn i don't think they would have been self-inflicted well um it's a it's a very interesting idea i'm just doing the logistics in my mind it may have been possible you haven't described the physique that in detail but that's a very interesting uh 8 12 15 oh-hour show, if you're listening.

Is she still going to be around, let's be honest? I always thought they were for people who couldn't afford engagement rings. Good point. That's another sign of ownership, but cheaper. Because they are a mark of ownership and the joy of being owned, I suppose. Well, not being owned, but by having somebody, not being owned, but having somebody, not being lonely. Well, I think it's also, look how grown up I am. Yeah, but it's also I'm not lonely,

which is what we spend a lot of our lives saying to people. Someone bites me. Someone bites me is another good thing. What I'd like to know about this 8, 12, 15, why in America are they called hickeys? Oh, yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've got some lovely love-bite stories, haven't we, Al?

Haven't we? We've actually been looking in the wrong place, according to Jane in Warwickshire. Watch Jeremy Kyle. Oh, God, I wonder what he's going to say then. Where do people get love bites now? No, no, not geographically on their body. I mean, she says watch Jeremy Kyle, the love bite is alive and well. Is that right?

Oh. So we're going to do that. Bit of nostalgia. I haven't watched Jeremy Kyle for ages. I always think it's the... Well, that's because you've got a job, darling. It's the television equivalent of the cell door people yes you can walk in it's safe you can walk in and think oh god yeah look at that but love bites i'm going to check that out is it on catch up jeremy kyle i i don't know but i imagine so

jeremy kyle the answer to everything's yes yeah Yeah, I'm sure it will be. Everything's on catch-up these days. You should know you've got a catch-up show. Yeah. What, you mean Frank Skinner on demand? Someone might come in and choose Jeremy Kyle as a clip. No, we only do the BBC programme, Starling. Good point. Steve Ronson from Cambridge has said,

Frank Skinner, morning, Frank and team. Interesting beginning, Frank Skinner, morning, Frank and team. Interesting beginning, Frank Skinner. Morning, Frank and team. I like a topic heading. On the subject of love bites, I did my own as a lonely teen. It always happened when I went on summer holidays to make out to my friends that it was a holiday romance when it was me pinching my neck.

And then he goes to block caps, I know, very sad, my teen life. Oh, alright. That's Steve Ronson. Steve Ronson from Cambridge. Want to make a note of? Yeah. Any friends of Steve Ronson in Cambridge? There you go. They're not actually bites, are they?

Am I right? What do you mean? Well, they're bruises. Love bruises. Do you know how to give them? Love bruises is what they should be called. Yes, they should. Again, a fabulous band name. Well, teeth are involved. Yeah, there is sort of a...

I'm going to be honest, I don't know how to do one. A nibble? I've never had one and I don't think I've ever given one. Oh, I've had a few. I didn't have much close contact. We'll play a long record and we'll come back and see what... No, I'm not going to show you, Frank. I presume they've gone now.

Can you imagine if you walked down the street with lovebites? I mean, how embarrassing. Well, maybe I could bring them back. No, people would just think you'd had one of your forwards, Frank. I think it would be great. That's what they'd think. Occasionally, I get asked at a question time. Imagine going on there with two or three lovebites

and not referring to the make-up woman. Ah, no, just woman just leave them alone thank you i'm just as god made me or you could wear the scarf and then take it off after the show quite man of the people i'd happily go on there one of those old chiffon apache scarves that they wore in the 70s with the uh the gold uh the mock gold ring do you think that's why they wore them yeah t. Yeah, Tony Hart, remember him from, uh, I'm sorry kids, but, um, Tony Hart used to do an art show. He was connected with Morph. Do you think he had love bites? You might have heard of Morph.

No, but he loved an Apache scarf. Do you think that was why? Do you think he was sporting a love bite on the roof? He might, I hope so. Otherwise, um, I- You know, 70s creative types. Yeah. All my parents' friends had those scarves.

He's the sort, I could imagine him crying in a flat. So I'm hoping that he did have love bites, and that is not correct. Tony Hart. You know that bloke? If you just describe him, he always looked like he maybe cried in a flat on a regular basis.

This is Frank Skinner absolute radio we've got a text that i think is a suggestion for a um tribute band but it contains no other words other than this michael dubley that's good that is good but no no explanation i like that a lot. And one of our Twitter friends, Tender Comrade, says about love bites, they're called Nutschflecken in German. Nutschflecken. Which means snog stains. That is good. That's excellent work.

Yeah. Brilliant. They're very good at those compound words, the Germans. Yeah. I'm sorry we've turned our back on them. Mm-hmm. Don't mention the Germans, not what we've turned our back on them don't mention the Germans not what we've done

and Tom Beckett sorry Frank Tom Beckett will no one rid me of this troublesome priest but what about the fabled love bite cure rub it with a penny or toothpaste of course it didn't work. Tom Beckett genuinely is from Murder in the Cathedral times. Well, I mean, Alan just mentioned the toothpaste.

I didn't know the penny one. By the way, I've been sent a coin today by Mike Lewis. Remember her? Hi, Mike. Did you do a very low-paid gig for Mike Lewis? I did. Last time I met him, I was begging in Birmingham. Oh, yeah.

And he did say he'd sort me out. Now, the other week we were talking about those coins that you get at landmarks. Oh, yeah. And you get a coin and they put it in a machine and sort of stamp it. Mm-hmm. Wasn't it only in America because they have a certain type of metal in their coin? I think I've done it in the United Kingdom. But you might be right because he was in Boston's South Station

and he got one, I don't know what it would be. Is that a cent? Is it a nickel? Or some kind of dime? Say, is it a dime? I don't know. It's a penny. They call it a penny. They do call it a penny.

And it's got a man on it and I can't read his name. John Arbuthnot. I'm going to take that as. I'm slightly guessing. It's a bit hard to read. We'll send the picture of it, maybe anyone with good eyesight.

Does that work? If I took a photo of this, if I took a photo with my eyes, would someone else be able to see it clearly or would they see it the way I've seen it with my eyes? With your eyes? Extraordinary question. What do you mean, take a photo with your eyes?

I'd be looking down the camera so would it still… Oh, I see. …would it be slightly, would the photo be slightly blurry because it's slightly blurry for me? No, it's your eyes. You sure? Yeah. Even it's me looking down the camera, mind? Don't, don't, don't be sad on that

fact. More importantly… Well, it's a good question. Let's put it that way. More importantly, with the recent collapse of Stirling, I think he might have sent you something more valuable than he expected to. Yeah. Might be worth declaring that. It doesn't matter anymore.

It's all going to be like Ridley Walker, if anyone knows that novel, when we're all living in some post-nuclear... Anyway. Keep it cheery. Hello, I'm James Martin. Let's talk about the end of the world. Absolute, absolute radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran today. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the1215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had, um... There's been a lot of changes this week, Frank. Oh. Mm-hm.

Ch-ch-ch. We've had two resignations. Well, firstly... We haven't discussed... No, we've had more than that. Well, we've had more than that, that's true. What about the Labour cabinet? We've had about 150.

Yes. Um, however, we need to discuss than that. Well, we've had more than that, that's true. What about the Labour cabinet? We've had about 150. Yes. However, we need to discuss, there was a biggie, which was Roy Hodgson after the England game. He went quick. Yeah. Apparently he was, yeah. He must have been writing it in the tunnel. I think he thought...

Do you think he'd written it already? I either have to explain that performance or re or resign you know what i think i'll resign yeah i agree exactly what happened these things happen i mean i'm not sure that's adequate though i wish you'd have just said that and then gone pretty much just said that these these things happen oops he quite right um sorry it, anyway, gentlemen, thank you. These things up. That seems to be it. He quoted Hamlet, though.

Is he coming back? I don't think he's coming back. He quoted Hamlet? Which bit of Hamlet did he quote? Well, he referred to slings and arrows. Oh, did he? Respect, Frank. He didn't say a man can smile and smile and be a villain. No, but it ain't that true.

I actually like Roy, but... Yeah, I like Roy. But blimey. Terrible. Absolutely terrible. But blimey. Terrible. Absolutely terrible. It was so terrible, my mother became an Icelandic citizen the next day. Oh, yeah.

Yes, my mum's gone to Iceland. Very good. Now, um... What about Ian Wright? I mean, he spoke for all of us, I feel, when he said, that was embarrassing, man. Yeah.

It was, uh... At one point, they asked Lee Dixon, who's normally a composed, controlled figure. He is. Yes. Very meticulously neat hair. Oh, lovely. They asked him at one point,

and Mark Poupant said, what do you think? Poupant. Yeah, Poupant. What do you think, Lee? And he went, I don't care. Wow. But it always goes, Liam? He went, I don't care. Wow. But it always goes, this does happen every two years. I mean, you know, to be fair.

Yeah. One of Ryan's things was he said, you know, that there had been achievements. It's when he took over, the average age was 30. And now they've got the youngest average age in the tournament. And I thought, you know what, I could do that. Yeah. That's maths, that's not football.

Also, technically speaking, they've now got the youngest average age out of the tournament. Yeah, exactly. So it's not that... Oh, dear. Anyway, it's not a football show, so we don't do that. But Roy's record, can I just say, is in the last tournament he was in,

we were out after two games. And in this one, we absolutely struggled against some teams who were pretty terrible in the group. And then we lost to Iceland. Why can't we play football, Frank? Why do we never win? Isn't there such a thing, though, as a sarcastic knighthood? Wouldn't it be great to give him one of that you know when people win stuff they get oh there should be something you could have so you can be sir roy hodgson bracket sarcastic sar that's what they call you sar sar sar

sar i'd much prefer one of those. Instead of sir. Yeah. Get it? Sar. Sarcastic. All right, yeah. Sarcastic.

Yeah. Sarcastic Roy Hodgson. Oh, dear. Poor Roy. Maybe he'll come back to West Brom where he belongs. Or in a tree in a forest where he hunts for mice at night. These are the two places I think he'd be most at home. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm going to be honest, I feel partly responsible for England's exit from the tournament. Do you? Because I don't know if you remember, just a week ago, I was saying that my recent Google searches included how much is an Iceland away strip. Oh.

Yes, Alan! I've been a fully paid up member of the Iceland fan club since they've been in this tournament. They're playing great. And I read a thing this week that apparently there is a shortage of Iceland football strips in Scotland where many people are trying to buy them.

Isn't that great? Is that because of you? In its own little way. Is that because of you, do you think? I think so. I think a lot of the Scottish scene is sort of a trailblazer. And a terrible thing happened. England scored.

Oh, we know that. Which one? You know, they scored and I said to my wife and son, I went, watch this now. They'll kick off and they'll score immediately and England will fall apart. And I did, I was right. Are you setting yourself up as some sort of Nostradamus? I think so, yeah. So, uh, anything else you want me to predict? 8, 12, 15. I'd like to see some proof. Who is going to be the next leader of the Conservative Party? Roy Hodgson. Next. No, genuinely, if you predict this, we'll start to believe you.

All right. Don't you think, Frank? The Conservative Party. Yeah, you've heard of them. Probably not Roy Hodgson, then. No. They've all announced now, haven't they? I think Theresa May.

He's playing for time. Do you know Theresa May? No, but thanks for the tip. There you go. And we're back. Do you know Michael Gove? I love back. Do you know Michael Gove? I love it. I do know Michael Gove.

The Govner. Is that the past tense? As he calls himself. Does he? He will do. He will, Oscar. He will. I remember Michael Gove when he was Walter in the Dennis the Menace.

Now, we need to put him on some sort of diet if he's going to be... Well, not diet. No, I know people say, oh, you shouldn't attack how he looks. It's not body fascism. What I'm saying is he's quite womanly. Do you think? Well, no, I saw him on a train, do you remember, in corduroy trousers? He's bootalicious.

He had a behind like a pony. You can't lose that. You can't lose that with dieting. I think some people have, you know, they have ample behinds or they don't. Right. No, but it's a positive on a woman, but on a man, not so much so. Well, I think it's about time that he... He suggested he does all his speeches through a stable door or something. He popularised the booty call for male politicians.

I remember Dr David Owen had an enormous backside. It's all that sitting they do. They do a lot of sitting. That's why they have to be voted into a seat. Most people. They needed quite a lot of assistance. What I like about Michael Gove is that he said that he wanted to come to a situation. He's now going for leader of the Conservative Party.

Yes. He said that he voted out because he was sick of being told what to do by boring men in suits who come from a culture we don't understand. Isn't that what's going to happen if he becomes... Did he say, it's not my culture? Yeah. I wish he'd said that. I also don't like this thing of calling him a geek.

I don't think he's a geek. He's not a geek. Being unpopular at school doesn't make you a geek. Just make sure you're popular. Being glasses and all that stuff doesn't make you a geek. You have to like, you know, at least one sci-fi franchise. I think you might know that. Inside out.

He won't be into that. I think he might be. He won't be into sci-fi. He probably be into that he won't be into sci-fi he he probably reads um and we tend to be into sci-fi what do you think he reads he doesn't read does he no he does read i think he's but he's not i i i think he'll read those novels with the sword on the front no he won't he won't be all right he won't be um unusual enough to read those what will he go for then, Frank? He'll read stuff about Churchill, is what he'll read.

Oh, yeah. No, that's Bojo. Bojo wrote that stuff. He wrote a book about Churchill. Well, that's why Bojo stood down, because he's got the book deadline. Some people do anything to get out of that deadline. I'm not thinking that he might be posing as Angela Eagle. Who?

Bojo. Could it be? It just looks like it could. I thought, in a certain light, I think he's after the other leadership. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ian Angel, regular texter, has texted without a pun.

Newsflash. Ian Angel, can you see me? Ian Angel, can you hear me? Are you somewhere up above? Sorry, that was it. Are you alright? Absolute radio, real music matters. There's a song called Teen Angel which is just

Oh, is it? Absolute fuck. That's lovely for an angel. If I was him, I'd have that as my ringtone now. Yeah, I'm sure he will. Teen Angel, there's a bit that goes Just sweet sixteen and now you've gone, they've taken you away I'll never kiss those lips again they buried you today

how lovely he texts no pun just a bit of trivia roy hodgson was one of our teachers at monks hill in croydon in the 70s i bet he was a good teacher i bet he was a good teacher wouldn't it be nice if they take that and think let's appoint a teacher wouldn't it be nice if they take that and think, let's appoint a teacher. Wouldn't it be good if they just appointed, not even a PE, like if they appointed my chemistry teacher from Merfield High School, Mr. Magnell. I don't even think he knows the rules of football. No. Was he in... Actually, it might not be better. You're looking at me now and thinking, that's not a good idea, is it?

No. Was he in Neighbours, Mr. Magnell? Oh. No, a different Mr. Magnell. no different mr man that was mrs mangle yeah mrs mangle sorry again that i'll kill that typist that was a great comic character would have been a nice part for me that never mind i didn't know roy was a teacher that's what this uh something text claims yes i can see that. I wonder if he moved them from where they usually sat and made them sit somewhere else where they felt a bit less comfortable and couldn't contribute as much. He ended the press conference by saying,

he went, Elvis, you can't end a press conference with thank you very much. Is that what he did? Thank you very much. Yeah, he said thank you very much. He didn't say, people have been saying I've been stwung out. I've never been stwung out of my life except on music. Excellent. Very good. Too late now to master the...

Good luck cashing in on that impression. How's your Glenn Hoddle? Do you think he'll be next? Oh, I don't know. I know what Gary Lineker thinks, but I'm not at liberty to say. Oh! So it's a pterodactyl. I haven't seen one for ages.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. OK, so what we were talking about the whole time, I have to say, I can never remember a more exciting week in politics in my entire life. Yes. It's been, like, better than any American drama about politics. And everyone's getting involved, and I like it. People care.

It's, um... Yeah. I mean, especially, like, the sudden, the Gove and Boris Johnson. Like, it was all this, like, it was... People saying it was, like, Shakespearean thing. Yeah. Oh, it was. Et tu, Gove?

Yes. It said on the front of it. Et tu, Gove? Fantastic. was et tu govay yes said on the front yeah et tu govay fantastic it's um it's interesting that because michael gove says that it's important that the next leader of the conservative party must be someone who was pro-brexit i'm thinking maybe jeremy corbyn I'm thinking maybe Jeremy Corbyn. Yes. Do they do transfers like that?

They do sometimes. Douglas Cardswell went from Tories to UKIP, didn't he? Yes. So it does happen. Churchill crossed the house several times. Did he? Looking for drink in common. So he used to hide it away and then forget where it hid. He liked to drink.

Oh, he loved to drink. Yes. I know what you to drink. Um, yes. I know what you mean about the Shakespearean thing. I like something... Rhys Shearsmith, who was a friend of the show, who came on here once, made a comparison with Michael Gove being like Richard III.

Harsh. He referred to his coy reluctance when he was accepting the job. Richard III had a delicate little bottom, like a peach. First review ever of Richard III's richard nothing nothing grows in the shade people focused on other body parts for that guy didn't they exactly that was the unsung hero of his anatomy yeah he was like i know what he means i didn't like it i didn't like the faux

sort of humility i found that creepy who's human michael go i can't do it i can't do it i can't do oh okay i'll have a go but it's also on there i think that's worse give me a bragger over a coward yes give me a bragger yeah cowardice is the worst but to be fair to michael gove he's taken all the criticism on the chin which is not easy if you don't have one. He's sort of, because sometimes with Cameron, very, very occasionally, I'd think, you know, he's sort of as a bit of a statesman thing. Maybe he does care a little bit. I used to have those little flashes.

But if you want someone to be the head of the Conservative Party, and I know we have Conservatives listening, and I respect your different opinions, but Michael Gove is sort of absolutely perfect. He's kind of timeless, isn't he, in that way? Like, if he'd existed 200 years ago... Well, he is and he isn't, because I think this is the revenge of the unpopular kid at school.

Fair enough. Exactly. It's true. It's the one that didn't have any friends but was very good in class and now he's, you know, having a nice time, enjoying a moment in the sun. I mean, if you've had your ear twisted for 15 years, maybe you are entitled to a bit of payback and a bit of a lot. It's just a little moment.

Do you think that's why? Do you think Boris had been twisting his ear for 15 years? Oh, not directly Boris. If you were to allot the roles in school, I would say that Boris was more of an ear twister. Yes. And Gove was more of a twisted ear. He was essentially one of us, Frank.

Who? Gove? Yeah, you... Take that back. No, Frank and I were the ear twisters. Right. Yes, I'm ashamed of that, but it is true. If we'd have had old Gove in our class, he'd have had a terrible time, I tell you.

In other news, Stephen Biggs says, what's happened to music so there you go what's happened to music discuss i don't know i watched glastonbury last week thought exactly the same thing oh this is frank skinner absolute radio um i was um sitting I was sitting in the make-up chair this week with Estelle Horder, my make-up lady. Oh, yeah. Who's actually called Estelle Horder. Not a pun. Yeah.

Isn't that amazing? Yes. You should see her partner, Max Factor. Oh, nice. I don't know if he did or not, but that's what he claims. Yeah. So anyway, he... She said to me, have you considered neck cream?

She didn't say that. Cos I'm getting the kind of neck that looks like the folded garment of a Roman soldier on an old statue. You know that sort of... Oh, yes, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't agree, but I get your imagery. Yeah, or maybe parchment. Yeah. And apparently, I wouldn't agree, but I get your imagery. Yeah, or maybe parchment.

Yeah. And apparently, I didn't even know this, I look now to our fashion and beauty correspondent, Emily. It's called neck wattle. Neck wattle? I believe so, FYI. Neck wattle. I like it even better now, because it sounds horrible.

It sounds like one of the bands you might play on saturday morning we've got neck wattle with uh drowning um well isn't the wattle isn't it well it's an australian flower isn't it first of all isn't it the symbol of australia but. What do they call that thing? Slash turkey neck. What's that thing that hangs under a chicken's... Turkey neck. So that is wattle.

Well, that's what we call it. So neck wattle. Yeah, neck wattle we call it. It sounds like you're trying to grow one of those rather than cure it. No, we're always trying to cure it. I've just noticed. Listen, let me talk to you. You've made...

Simon Cowell. We'll look. Get rid of the parents we'll look no what happens and i address you ladies you're young you still have everything to live for people always overlook the neck area i find and not just when it comes to the love bites these days it should be just as much a part of your cleansing routine as your face so put cream on moisturize your neck really yeah always i'm just writing down face meant to be what i'm always thinking is then you're going to get like moisturizer off your shirt collar and i don't want that in my life if anyone gave me a love bite now they'd just inhale dust. You might have to. Dryness. You might have would, isn't there, for all we know. It'd be like sucking the disappearing

skin from a snake. Something, moisturiser on your neck. I suspect that's not the most unhygienic thing that's ever happened in your bedroom. No, well, that might be true. Let again, it might not. Absolute, absolute

radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. No, but Frank, it will help. It's never too late. It'd be great, I suppose, if I'm... If I put it on what I like about wearing neck cream, is if I became the victim of vigilante justice, I might slip straight through the noose and be able to run away that's that's worth thinking when the way this country's going it's worth considering a great story the next day the crime de la mer saved your life yeah with me uh me city at me phoning um some large french makeup yeah you'd say thank god for that throat neck guess what throat neck now i'm just saying random

connect i've gone i seem to have gone into roger's thesaurus as alan says you're just naming all your favorite bands for another one al i believe aren't they what was their song al why did i say throat nick i've just it's just a compound of two similar things. Why not? Say it if you want. I will say, in your defence. Thank you. You, well, wait, you haven't heard it yet. I'm in anticipation. You haven't heard it yet. You have marvellous skin.

One of the best skins I've ever encountered. Thank you, but it seems to stop at the chin now. It's okay. I'm not going below that, darling. Or the good skin, or all of it. I don't want to go below that. Maybe an Elizabethan rough is the answer good skin, or all of it. I don't want to go below that. Maybe an Elizabethan roff is the answer. Yeah, or perhaps a neck brace, as if you've had a road traffic accident.

Or Alvy Tony Hart scarf that we were discussing earlier. You could bring that back. There's all sorts of... A mandarin collar, like Elvis used to wear. Well, Ian Wright favours those now. No, he goes for the... Oh, he's got zero collar, hasn't he? Grandad's type. He goes for, um... That is a Mandarin. It's

a Nehru collar. It's a slight Mandarin. No, a Mandarin rises up. It's one of those collars that rises up. Don't you talk to me about collars. I'm telling you what a Mandarin... I know what a Mandarin collar is. A Mandarin collar is one that rises up. Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, everyone take a breath. Come on. Okay, yeah, come on. No, Frank, I know what you mean. We're both talking about the same thing. I'm just saying. But Ian Wright wears those Bond villain... Yeah.

Yes. That's his look now, which is great. I'm so glad things have calmed down. Yeah, me too. Between you two. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Sorry, I'm just leaking some emails.

Oh, are you? Yeah. That kind of week, innit? Yeah. Hey, guys, we need to talk about DJjd dame judy dench oh yeah frank's had a previous running with her oh she gave you a stare didn't she well frank remind us what happened with dame judy you were coming out the ivy she was right now she was arriving at the ivy which is a sort of a hot market restaurant it isn't so upmarket sort of celeb restaurant in London,

which is a large conurbation in the South East. I was there only last night. Were you really? Were you? And other things that won't surprise anybody. No. Well, I was being photographed outside there by a member of the press

and as she walked, she got out of her car, and as she walked in, she looked across at me and said to the person she was with, I thought this place was for celebrities. Oh, dear. So, obviously, but, you know, I forgive and forget. That's my motto.

Yes, but I... How long ago was that? Ow. That that happened. Also... I was seven. No. Also, look, let's give her the benefit of the doubt.

You have turned into Simon Cowell. Look. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. No, let me explain why. I think it's all in the tone, Frank. She might have said, what if she said this, I thought this place was for celebrities. Of course.

Or maybe she said, I thought this was for celebrities, so I'm surprised that there are people being photographed here. Oh. Yes. I mean, there's all sorts of ways. But I heard it. I heard it. And this is a woman who I really used to fancy when she was a young woman.

Did you? Lovely actress. I love the elf in... Oh, I'm not sure. I love the elf in... Oh, you think she's overrated? Yeah. I think if she's listening to this,

she'll be okay with me moaning about her being nasty, but overrated actress, you're finished. Yeah. I don't suspect she's listening to this. However, she was... But when she was a young woman... Well, she was, but she was something of... It was a difficult subject to be avoided in our house growing up

because my mum used to date her husband. Oh. Her late husband, Michael Williams, yeah. Ah. Well, my mum used to date her husband her late husband michael williams yeah ah well my mum didn't go out with anyone who was involved with dame judy dench i think i can safely say that no mine um glad we've cleared that up i'm just trying out some of my relatable material text in if one of your parents was involved with dame judy dench's partner she was very friendly with a local bloke called fobby l what your mother not very friendly in that way oh you don't think they had an affair do you

certainly not people didn't have affairs did they in your community we were catholics we didn't know what affairs were oh yeah anyway she is uh she is capable of surprising as a DJ D. She's been in the news this week because at aged 81, she's had her first tattoo. She's got ink. She got Carpe Diem on her wrist. Oh, Carpe Diem. That's Latin. It is Latin, that's great. For, I love fishing.

Can I be honest? Well, look, it's a bit, now that's what I call Latin, though. Well, it is, yeah. I mean, everyone knows carpe diem, except for Adrian Charles, who once asked me what it meant. We're going to try that. Sarah, carpe diem? Not least because she's just heard it.

Just because she's got a pink iPad cover doesn't mean she doesn't know what carpe diem means. To me, if you've got a pink iPad cover, it means exactly that. But obviously I'm wrong. Don't ever judge a person by their iPad cover. I think that's the saying, isn't it? Yeah, but it is now. It's very Dead Poets Society, isn't it, Carpe Diem?

Do you remember Robin Williams? I remember it, one of my favourite films. It's a lovely film. Captain, my captain, that's how I think of you, Frank. You have to know my captain. Yeah. Robin Williams, I would say, popularised in recent times, the car paint deal.

If I was going to go for a Robin Williams phrase tattoo, I think I'd have to go for, Dopey me! But I don't know if you could get the voice. I've got nanu nanu all down one leg. Have you? Have you tried Germany? Frank?

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What do you think of this? Kim the lorry driver says Frank, football is the most boring game on the planet. I mean, I know it's not really a football show, but I just was interested in what your opinion on that was. Well, I don't share that opinion.

Bought you some houses. But we are, we're all different, of course. Yeah, we're all God's children. All God's chillin'. That's what they say. All God's chillin', God's soul. Get out. Ricky laughs

I'm not sure about Dame Judi Dench getting the tattoo in Latin though, cause I don't think it's like, I don't know why it's more- I call it a Lattoo. A Lattoo. Ricky laughs Nice. I don't know why it becomes more wise because it's in a language that she doesn't really use.

Exactly. A deaf language. Like, if I got- She's old enough, that's probably her native tongue. Ricky laughs Not an Esperanto, that I got- She's old enough. That's probably her native tongue. Ricky laughs That an Esperanto. That's how old she is, Frank. She talks Latin at home. Well, her dogs are, yeah.

If I got a bit of, uh, of wisdom, like, you know, you buy cheap, you buy twice. Yeah. If I got that translated into Cornish, a language that I don't speak but exists, and then tattooed on my back, would that make it wise? Well, you should have it in Glaswegian. That's your... I do speak. I do know that. It would make it a bit cooler than you having, if you buy cheap, you buy twice.

Especially as it's the very opposite of your world view. It is not. Okay. I like that. Sort of thing Duncan Valentine would have tattooed. If I was... Bog off. If I was 81 and I had a tattoo, I think it would be my name and address. Sort of an aide de memoir. Nice.

You know, she said it was a gift from her daughter, Finty. Yeah. Yeah. And she said she's wonderful with surprises. Well, she suddenly... Can't be a surprise. Did she get home one night, was suddenly wrestled to the ground by two blokes who got tattooed? Like how you do- Mobile tattoos.

Like how they do sheep. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, but that's one of my fantasies. Depends on the tattoo. If it is a surprise- If it's just a number, then I don't want it. If it is a surprise, does the daughter choose carpe diem and where it is? Like, did she pick the wrist? I think Finty's a strong character. Finty, yeah.

Right. I don't think it could have been... She couldn't have a facial tattoo, Judy did. I mean, I can't pick a tattoo for my mum, can I? She couldn't have a... I know a bloke who had death to all skinheads on his forehead. Right. That would lose her a lot of work. Skinhead escapes. Was that a gift from his

son? It was something he was very, he ended up looking after donkeys. Right. In a home for a children's home. I'd have no time to know my Sharif. On my forehead. That'd be lovely. forehead yeah i mean one of the joints i just

saw michael gove on the telly i've never had for years had the urge to do a dead leg more i just i felt the knee going i'm sorry you were bullied stop taking out on us you weren't in the call team it's not fault. I suppose if you're 81 and you have Carpe Diem on your arm, you're sort of reminding yourself that you know, there aren't that many days left and to live them all to the full, I consider I like it.

There was a famous eastern potentate Love that word, Frank. Yes. A leader. And he had a That's for anyone with a pink iPad out there. For the groundlings listening. The pink iPad brigade. Very good use of groundlings by Alan Rice.

And he used to have a man who was paid that every day you would go up to him and say, one day you will die. That was his job. Charming. Yeah. It's not a bad gig though is it i mean it's easy enough in some of your own hobbies around that work couldn't you but that was his job and it just helped him to remember mortality and not to get ideas too you

know i don't know if you can get ideas above your station if your station is potentate but anyway i just can you imagine when someone comes up to you and says you know the bloke that says the day you will die it's his birth do you want to sign a card I don't know what to put on it

what do you put on it to him well we've already got cheer up four times can you put something different I don't I don't even know him

anyway I thought it was something different. I don't even know him. Anyway. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, we've had this text in. How do you contact the winners of any of your competitions? I generally use a spiritualist. spiritualist It's easier isn't it It's easier than a lot of the modern devices When there's a patchy signal and that We did have a competition once

It was an absolute disaster And I mean that That was when we were broadcasting on absolute disaster wasn't it One of our sister stations Well we did a competition it was football related Why are they always sister stations? Sexist. Someone had obviously thought Frank will be great for this

because he's a bit legend, Frankie. Not realising that you do your esoteric material now and you're Frank 2.0. Yeah, exactly. 2-0. Yeah. So we did a football-based competition. Couldn't wear a replica shirt with my throat.

Well, if you did, you'd wear a cravat with it. You'd have to chop the neck down a bit. But it all went wrong. The competition was a disaster. I read it out wrong or something. I think I gave away the answer. We had nine million applications. This is all BC before Cockrell. It was very early. We decided

next. So we've never done, I don't think we've ever done a competition. That's very bad manners of us. It's like going to see the same film twice with two different partners. Yes, so we don't have any competition. So if you have won one. Yes. Well done. There's been a miniscule.

Oh, you think it's a scam? It's been a bit of a cock-up. So, yes. Dame Judi Dench. Yes. Cafe DM. She says she learns a new fact every day to keep her mind active. I like that.

She should have them put on her arm. Yeah. What fact have you learnt today? So far. Oh. I don't think I've got today's yet. Oh, we must have learnt some during the course of the show. Oh, I think there's a hospital pass.

We've got to think about it. I mean, I've got a few bits of gossip that have happened during the songs, but I don't think I've got any actual facts. Well, facts, gossip. Hearsay, I don't think counts. But that's difficult, I think, because facts change, don't they? If today's fact for Dame Judi Dench was how many penguins there are in the world, by the end of the day, she's going to have to refresh that fact

because there'll be another one born. So don't have the tattoo. Don't have it done, but also, maybe not facts. Just learn a new thing a day. I like Carpe Diem as a principle, but I feel it's been rather taken over by sort of nightclub owners in Ibiza. And it's just a little bit over-popularised, I think.

She should have gone for something, I don't know, a bit more rarefied. Like YOLO? No. Do you think she would... I've got some ideas if I had a tattoo. Right. I'll tell you what I like.

Well, there's a few things I like. One is actually from Frank's book. Uh-oh. When he wrote his first autobiography... Breakfast Radio, I remember. No, Frank. Not one of those chapters. He told a story, and it's always stayed with me, this,

about going riding and how you weren't very good at it or something. And the man who was instructing you said, come on, Frank, cowboy up a little. Yes. And I like cowboy up a little. Oh, that's good, yeah. As a very good... I would have that. I don't think Dame Judy could have that.

I think all these people now were plastered in tattoos. I was watching the Wales game last night. The guy who scored the goal for Belgium. Rosie's coming up his neck. Yes. Well, that was like Love Island. In ten years' time, they're all going to look back and think, what on earth have I done?

Well, that's the joy for Dame Judy is that she's getting it at 81, so she's probably thinking, I won't have that moment. Well, she might be looking back in ten years' time, God willing. Then again, she'll be thinking, what's that on my arm? Yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, on the subject of tattoos, I think one of the good things about them is that if you get one that you like, you've paid for it and then you get to wear it a lot.

You know, you've told me in fashion, they have a cost per wear analysis. Correct. And items that you really like, they get cheaper the more you use them. Of course, which is why jeans great value and if you think about it tattoos i mean like you're wearing them all the time like so if you get them early yes they get cheaper and cheaper whereas she's got 81 it's probably only going to be like three quid per let's not get dark but imagine the clothes that you wore when you were 15 if i said you've got to wear them the rest of your life.

Yeah. You'd think, oh, but they're going to go out of fashion. They wouldn't fit. Not in my case. I was beautifully dressed. Well, I was a late developer, so they wouldn't fit on me. All I wore in those days was a chamois leather posing patch. And it's funny how life comes full circle, isn't it?

It was warmer. Thank God we got rid of that webcam. That's one of my mottos. Nightmare dressed like a daydream. Thank you, Taylor Swift. Is it a motto? Yes, from Taylor Swift. Nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Thank you. It's one of her song lyrics, isn't it? Yeah. Taylor Swift there, ladies and gentlemen. On Absolute Radio. Yeah. Never mind Latin. My favourite motto has always been,

you can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but the size of the crowd at your funeral will still be largely dictated by the weather. Good night. And you got that tattooed across your chest just last week, didn't you? I think that would be fair enough. I hope I die in the summer then.

Quite a lot of punctuation. I want a big turnout. I like how Lagerfeld sweatpants are a sign of defeat. Thank you. That is good. I want a big turnout. I like Karl Lagerfeld's Sweatpants are a Sign of Defeat. Thank you. That is good. I don't know what I want. This is a simple one, but I remember reading this, and it's

even though it was in Niall Quinn's autobiography, where I didn't go seeking wisdom. Great source. He just said, he said one thing you have to accept is that nothing in life's a hundred percent. And I thought, it's a very basic point, but actually, very, very good thing. I'm not sure. I think I read the opposite of that in a mathematics book about percentages. Yeah, but I don't read many mathematics books. I'll stick with Niall Quinn.

David Baddiel said this week the truth is always very complex. Did he? Mm. That's, um... I don't agree with that Quinn. David Baddiel said this week the truth is always very complex. Did he? Mm. That's, um... I don't agree with that, either. You don't? No. Why not?

It's absolutely straightforward. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're discussing mottos, aren't we, this morning? Actually, we've just had a suggestion. What about Like a Rolling Stone as a name? That's exactly the suggestion I was about to read. Oh, what, for the tribute band?

Amazing. What a jinx. Hi, team. Wouldn't Like a Rolling Stone be a good name for a Rolling Stone tribute band? Yeah. Amazing. Great minds, eh? Did you text that in, Frank? I texted it in. Is this like Ronnie Barker writing sketches under an underplume? Exactly, I pretend it. What was he called?

Ronald something. I've forgotten. I was going to say Ronald Witcherly, but that was actually the real name of Billy Fury. What a great fact. You asked me what I'd learned this morning and that's it. You've learned something. Hurrah. And last week I learned the name of the band leader on the Titanic.

Can you remember who that was? Hartley Hare? I think it was Wallace Hartley. OK. But I may be wrong. Hartley Hare was a character in a kid's TV show who actually had a Birmingham accent. It's so lovely that you still remember that.

One of yours. Yesterday when I was young So many, many... Anyway... A bit of French there. Yeah, a little bit. We're doing mottos this morning. Mottos, yes. Because Dame Judi Dench had the tattoo Carpe Diem.

Paul has tweeted us, when there's always biscuits in the tin, where's the fun in biscuits? That I like. I like it. What does it mean exactly? I think it's saying that... It's like these pop stars that can have anything they want, but life becomes empty. Yeah, I think maybe it's saying that. A little bit of hardship makes you appreciate the good things, like when you've got biscuits in the tin, you remember that you at some point didn't

have biscuits in the tin. You fill your boots too much, it gets uncomfortable. Yeah, you don't miss the water till the well runs dry. Ricky laughs Also, I believe we've had, um, a bit of backlash thinking that we've, uh, we've slagged off. Oh, we haven't had a bit of backlash for two or three weeks. With your friends. Call me, Dave.

Your friends in the community. Yeah. Uh, apparently people are thinking that we're slagging off tattoos, assuming that you'll regret them, but we're not saying that, I don't think. I'm assuming most people will regret them. Some of my best friends are tattooed and some of my friends are tattooists. Some of my best... There we go.

Some of my best friends, if I don't really... Two, both of them, of my best friends have many things I'm absolutely sure they'll regret in later life, but that doesn't mean I don't love them. Gerald Wiley, by the way, was Ronnie Barker's... You can see where I was coming from. Yeah. Thanks for that, though. Who was that from? Whoever sent in that. I mean... love them. Gerald Wiley, by the way, was Ronnie Parker's... Ronald, literally, you can see where I was coming from. Yeah.

Thanks for that, though. Who was that from? Whoever sent in that. I mean... Bang on. Probably Ronnie Parker. David Cox. Well, Steve Inkman, and I think we can get a hint from his name... Yeah. ..that he might be a fan of tattoos. I think he might. He says you shouldn't tar everyone with the same regret it in ten years time brush. No. Just because some idiots jump on the let's get a tattoo bandwagon do regret it.

Yeah, but the problem with this, it's very hard to establish who is correct in the people will regret it in ten years time debate. Unless we wait. I tell you what, just text back in ten years time. I think you're right. Do you think we'd still have a show then, Frank?

Oh, I should think so. Oh, I wish we did. I don't have much else. Are you suggesting on the tattoo conversation we should draw a line under it? Is that what you're suggesting? I'm happy with that. I'm happy with that. It's a joke.

OK. But then another motto, Stone, says, find out what you're no good at and don't do it. What do you think of that, Frank? Yes, I've spent quite a lot of time finding out what I'm no good at. I think that's pretty good. And Dave Wilkinson says, eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Yeah.

Also excellent. I've gone a bit Michael Gove. Thora Heard said it's never too late to mend a broken fence that's in a book did she? yeah that's towards the end

yeah probably too late to mend a broken fence clearly what about that one of our kids when it fell over in the garden it took so long to mend it that the lawn grew over it and he couldn't pick it up it had been reclaimed by the earth sound like it's too late to mend that broken thing the actual the planet took it said oh i'm keeping this

i wouldn't give out give out the motive of wouldn't give out Keith's pen. The motive of the planet. Yeah. You obviously can't look after it, Keith. We're keeping it. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Put some more mottos in, Frank. Oh, I'm loving the mottos. Gary has sent us a message. My motto is don't spend on Friday what you need on Monday. Sorry, don't spend on Friday what you need on Monday. Yeah. Gazza. He'd admit a terrible alcoholic.

Yeah. I mean, that's not how people are living, is it? I like Gary's life philosophy. Oh, no, I like it. It's common sense. Yeah. No nonsense. It's not a lot of it about, is it?

Not a lot of it about. Frank, my favourite quote slash motto is from the Van Wilder film, which is, don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive. Brian from Lincoln. Wow. That depends on whether you live to the judgment day. I think we all lived to the judgment day a few weeks ago, didn't we? You're listening to absolute evangelism

here. On a slightly different tack, we had an email earlier entitled Learning to Ride a Bike. Dear Alan, Emily and Frank, a few weeks ago Frank mentioned that he hadn't learned to ride a bike until adulthood. Well, I haven't really learned

to be honest. I can just about get round. I wouldn't go on the road, I don't learned to ride a bike until adulthood. Well, I haven't really learned, to be honest. I can just about get round on... I wouldn't go on the road, I don't want to be too frightened. No, but you can ride forwards and stop. I can ride on... That's it, really. ...on tarmac if there's no-one else around. You did a lovely job the other week. Well, er...

I've got applause. He continues, My wife can't ride a bike and often bears the brunt of cycling jokes. When I mentioned to her that Frank Skinner can do it so she could too uh she replied yes but he's a celebrity frank can you encourage all those adult non-cyclists to give it a try especially as the tour de france starts today i think that's a bit of accelerated learning to go straight do it in a private area or a park. Thank you, Scott. I mean, obviously, don't do it on the... That's one of my mottos, actually. Yeah. That's it. I like that one.

It's never done me any harm. Yes. Yet. I would say that a couple of weeks ago, when I hadn't been on a bike because I was too frightened, and I had had lessons in the past, I went on this bike and I went round, and when I started to realise I could do it,

it was a fantastically exhilarating feeling. So I would absolutely recommend it. You've got to conquer this thing. Me and the horses, Frank, cowboy up a little. Yeah, but you have to do it in just your normal street clothes with a proper old-fashioned bicycle clip. Don't put on Lycra or anything of that nature, otherwise you'll turn into

a beast. Steve M.: And as you pointed out, it actually feels easier the quicker you go, and I said to you- Steve M.: Again, that's my motto. Steve M.: Drive equals balance, I was told by my- Steve M.: Drive equals balance? Steve M.: Drive equals balance. My motorcycle instructor told me that if you're going forward, it's easier to stay up. Steve M.: Yes, that's it. Well, I'm told it's safer- Steve M.: That's right. Steve Yes, that's it. Well, I'm told it's safer. That's right. Safer to cycle aggressively, I was told.

Yeah, absolutely. OK. Absolutely. And one final thought, Frank. I think it was a pig that had the Brummie accent, not Hartley. Just some topical news just in. Oh, yes, it was the pig. That's from Mark in Wigan.

Thank you. What was it called, that programme? Pipkins. Oh, thank you very much. Well, that's that. We end on, you learn something new every day. I actually just learned something I already knew once and then had forgotten.

Anyway, thanks for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Get out.