The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Cash Only

Episode Date: April 14, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had more questions from Buzz that he has struggled to answer. The team also discuss Justin Bieber's new slogan, ghosts and the world's oldest man.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. I know you were thinking it was Charles Aznavour, but no, it's Frank Skinner. And I'm with, I like Charles, I prefer Charles to Charles. Prince Charles. Come on, can't go wrong. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio,

or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Don't call. Well, we've had some... Do you want to hear some of the correspondence we've had already? Yes, of course. Okay, let's kick us off with 848.

Morning, Frank and the gang. Whatever happened to Doss Houses? Straight out of the blocks. I thought we'd start off with that. Have they gone, Doss Houses? I don't think so. Well, they're sort of halfway house, weren't they? They've probably been rebranded like Snickers or something.

It's not like there's any shortage of rough sleepers, so they must still exist in some form. Opal Fruits and Starbursts. But Doss has Gen Zers and Millennials who may not be familiar with the concept. Who's Gen Zers? Yeah. Oh.

That's the generation two before you. Wow. Two after you, I'm sorry. After me. How would you describe a Doss house, Frank? Well, I think of it as a place where people go, don't have anywhere else to go, and that's where they sleep

okay how would you describe it yeah see dosing was it was dosing was an activity when i people would say why don't you come around my house we can have a dos yeah and that just meant sat around doing nothing yeah yeah i think yeah i... Oh, we did it by appointment. Yeah, Dossing Out was a thing. Dossing Out. Just, like, chilling out. Oh. They were places where... My father used to call them

Gentlemen of the Road. Yeah. They would often... Right, yeah, yeah. ...pitch up there. Yeah, indeed. I don't know what's happened to them, I think. I think they've been called something else

because Doss Houses sounds just a bit to Great Depression. Yeah. But good call. We've also had... I should say we have a regular theme on the show, Whatever Happened To, where people suggest things that have just...

Gone. Yeah. I was thinking the other day... Here we go. We have a jingle. Whatever Happened To Red Eye. Oh, yeah. On pictures. I haven't seen that Eye. Oh, yeah.

On pictures. I haven't seen that for... Oh, yeah. Good point. Yeah. Have they done something to cameras to stop that happening? I think so. Well, you can do it anyway with all the filters now.

I'm sure they don't. But, yeah, you never see Red Eye, do you? I used to love it. I used to get... Take a picture of your dog and it got blue. It looked like Paul Newman. They didn't get red. They'd have bright, they'd have got pictures of,

we had like a Staffordshire Bull Terrier with these beautiful blue eyes. Really? Glaring out, yeah. Which he didn't have. He didn't have. I didn't have red eyes most of the time. Yeah, so that's gone. Most of the time.

Yeah, so that's gone. An eagle-eyed reader of the show, Sylvie, has sent us an email titled The Conger. You do bring up The Conger a lot. Dear Frank et al, The Conger has featured many times on the show, often memories about its former glory years. Yes, I'm an enthusiast. So I hope it pleases Frank to know it was revived last week

after FC Bayern Munich secured the German League title. The players performed the conga in front of the fans with the leader holding a cardboard cutout of the trophy. As the match was played away from Bayern's stadium, I'd like to think the middle eight

contained a tribute to the losing home team. Yeah, that's brilliant. Good old Bayern Munich. Yeah, that's brilliant. Good old Bayern Munich. Yeah, as they say. Yeah. And the slightly mournful middle eight. But of course the German national team adopted three lines when they won Euro 96.

So I feel musically. Did they? Yeah, they sang it. You know when they have those big teams on the balcony and there's thousands and thousands of people they sang Football's Coming Home because they felt that was it's home. Frank Skinner, big in Germany

Yeah, it got to number 17 in the chart I love that you still remember that I think they felt, it was on the invoice I think they felt that they'd also won the song as well as won in the tournament.

Not in a way. Tournament includes song in brackets. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had quite a lot, Frank. We won't read it to you, but we've had quite a lot of praise. We won't read it to you, but we've had quite a lot of praise for your portrayal of Johnny Cash,

including the following email. Dear Frank, DME and Alan, does the recent advertising campaign of Frank's portrayal of Johnny Cash go a long way to dispel the myth that Frank is a one-trick pony when it comes to American accents? Yes. You do have a theory that you only do that old timer. I only do Wild West old timer, but Johnny Cash is a...

He's not a million miles from Wild West old timer. I just had to move him a bit further south. But you're right, Al. Well, it's not me, it's Adam, who continues in his email, also like you, Frank, he now lists several things that he's got in common with you. I'm an avid viewer of the weather reports on Sky News Breakfast. My life would not be complete without tuning in.

You could say that I too am a dedicated follower of the Nazarene. Finally, I think the answer is... Is this a date or something? Close to it. It's going well. Finally, we've got a whatever happened to. I think the answer is obvious, but whatever happened to stadium PAs alerting men to the impending birth of their child?

Adam, do you remember the issues you said? Yes, I still get that, don't you? Why ask that? Well, the one I always quote was, I must have told you this, I was at West Brom and we'd lost 2-0 to Nottingham Forest I think it was and everyone was pretty as you can imagine quite cheesed off as we left

and a voice said Mr blah blah blah please come to blah blah blah whatever his name was your wife has given birth to a baby boy in in West Bromwich whatever the hospital's called and an old guy said to me

he says oh poor devil he said he sat through this lot now he's got to go home and make his own tea the idea that he might have been going to the hospital never even occurred to the man. But yeah, they did use to announce it.

So you said, what do you think? Oh, I love childbirth, Elzo, in style. Adam thinks the answer is obvious, but whatever happened to Stadium PA's alerting men to... Why is it obvious? I don't know what his obvious guess is. It's because men are at the birth now. No, it's because they get texted, presumably.

For sure. Well, they have phones. So you wouldn't need the tannoy to tell you. I was with Frank. I thought it was because men are just, you know, constantly traipsing around behind the pregnant lady going, do you need anything? No, it's because they've got phones.

It depends on the importance of the match. Yes, I'd be happy to go and watch a berth instead of any of the West Brom games of recent times. Anybody's berth, actually, if anyone's looking for some... Celebrity fan. Extraordinary shout-out. Celebrity attendance for their berth. Imagine if that was on your list of things That could be me

Celebrity doula Will drive self Push Yes We've had another whatever happened to That is a good I like that whatever happened to that That's a good obscure one. I mean

the reasons for it not happening I think are interesting. Sorry Emily. Well we've got whatever happened to candles in empty wine bottles. I think you still get that. I still see that or do you think? Not in my house. Is that yet another

Elton John version? He really did a lot of rewrites on that show. Yeah, he did. He worked it well. I should say, in reference to... The Johnny Cash thing is on Sky. I mean, me playing Johnny Cash. I did just want to mention that my road manager in that show is played by Alex Beckett,

who died very suddenly this week at the age of 36. And he was fantastic company to have around and so brilliant. And as an actor, sometimes you're with people and they've got that much talent, it just crackles like electricity. And he was a brilliant actor. And he will be very, very missed indeed. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Hey, I'll tell you what, do you remember a few weeks ago I discovered what pleather was? Oh yeah. Yes, I do. It was quite the morning. Yeah, and I'm not saying that badly. what pleather was. Oh, yeah. Yes, I do. It was quite the morning. Yeah. And I'm not saying that badly. I mean, pleather, it's a fabric. It's a combination of plastic and leather, as you may have... It's a portmanteau word, that's what it is.

I passed a woman this morning. It was a bit chilly as I walked in this morning. And she was very warmly dressed is is puffer is that a fabric would you would you say would you speak of you know when people wear a puffer jacket yes are they talking about that sort of paneled quilted thing is that is that puffer could i get a puffer upholstery in my car for example oh i see if you if you requested it like that no it's it's um if i request it like that if you requested like that i didn't mean to sound quite so disparaging i'm sorry um i don't know i mean i suppose there's some sort of synthetic material inside it but what is a a puffer jacket, then? I think it's a brand name.

Oh, is it? Yeah. Is it? But it's fine to not know that. Remember we had an episode where I thought a slasinger was an actual animal? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And I felt a fool. So you're suggesting it's puffer to you? Well, we still don't know what the animal is on a slasinger. No, we don't. No. But we think it's not a puma. No. That's our theory.

Did you look nice in the puffer? No. Was it sleeveless? No, it was completely... It was full length. Can I just say great use of gilet from the cockerel? I've recently acquired a... I thought I would never own one

because I don't really ride a horse. But I've acquired a sleeveless puffer. Have you recently? I've got one. Lovely, aren't they? Red, mine is. Am I the only one in the gang without a sleeveless puffer? Red?

That's quite a tray. Yeah, well, I've got a green T-shirt and I thought I could sort of rock a Robin the Boy Wonder 1960s kind of like. I might have the twin curls. You know he used to have twin curls on his fringe. You know Lisa Stansfield?

Imagine if Lisa Stansfield had, say she had a double, a twin. No, that twin. Yeah. No, that wouldn't work. If she thought, I'll go for two curls, so she moved one to one side and then brought another one in.

I imagine when people used to drive cars and they used to have the names of the bloke and his girlfriend on strips. If I'd have been Lisa Stansford, I'd have had a big curl on the top of my side of the screen. I don't know why she didn't do that. She could have had one on the inside and hung maybe a magic tree on it. Yeah.

We've had a request, sorry Frank, for you to go to the impending birth of our next child. This is from 730. I'll be there. I also think his gittishness will help detract. Detract? Detract. Will help detract? I thought, ohract. Well, help detract.

I thought, oh, what am I supposed to do? I'll be there. Don't worry about that. I'll keep the nails. We'll show you the details. Yeah, exactly. Thanks. Oh, I'll tell you what, you know, the other week, last week, I think, I was pointing out that my

five-year-old asked me if all honey came from bees, or if it could be man-made. Can you still say man-made? Is that acceptable? Person-made. Yeah. If we're going to Justin Trudeau it, person-made. Okay.

And we never really got to the bottom of it, I don't think. Oh, there was the great synthetic honey debacle, wasn't there? Oh, there was people saying the Chinese made synthetic honey, but there was some honey in it. Yeah. I mean, this week, he said to me, I didn't, we went away for a bit, so I didn't shave.

Right. And. Oh, I quite like that. Me too. Dad on a mini break, not shaving. Hello. So I forgot the razor, I'll be straight. Me too. Dad on a mini break, not shaving. Hello. I forgot the razor. I'll be straight with you.

Love that look. I was giving him a bit of a kiddle, as I call it, which is a combination of a kiss and a coddle. My mum used to call it a kiddle. Nice. And he said to me, oh, you're really spiky. I said, well, I have a beard when I grow up. And I said, yeah, yeah, of course you are.

He said, where is it now? Oh. I just didn't have an answer. I mean, I didn't realise. Become a parent. You've got to be... He's like a little Jean-Paul Sartre. You basically need a philosophy degree to answer that question.

Well, no, I think... Minimum. She's in biology, surely. Oh, I'd say philosophy. If anyone knows about these things... I think philosophy answers that. I would agree, Al. Yeah, definitely.

Where is Boz's beard now? 8, 12, 15. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We still don't have an answer yet to the question, where is Buzzy's beard? Yeah, really? Yeah.

Well, I mean, I'd like to be able to tell him this weekend, ideally. He woke up. We were sleeping in the same room because it was on holiday and he woke up and went, yes. Hold on a minute. Those moments

are fun, aren't they? Yeah. Like, that was it though, that was his opening greeting of the day. Like,

you know, come on, what's happening? Anyway, I'm going off too much about my child, although I have been, I tell you what I've been doing.

I've been practising some childhood activities that I haven't done for a long time. Oh, yeah. Including, I rolled down a grass bank. Oh, yeah. That'd be good fun. Extraordinary. Yeah, and Buzz was doing it quite a lot

and really loving it. And then he said, come on, come on, daddy, he said. In, I thought, you know, provocative way. And so I rolled down this quite steep bank. You know when you put your arms above your sort of stretch fuller and you really let yourself go? I was thinking more 70s TV cop all hunched over.

No, no. Forward rolls. Oh, no, I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a compulsive gambler? Oh, very good. No, so I rolled down. You remember him. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

And it actually really quite shook me up quite a lot. Oh, really? Did it? Yeah, I felt awful. I mean, I put a brave face on it, but I could sort of feel my brain banging about. You know when you microwave a pork pie? Yeah.

To melt the jelly and the meat is... It was an audience suggestion, I think. It was, yeah. I suggested it was the meat version of a Coke float. So if you microwave a pork pie, the jelly melts

and the ball of pork sort of bobs in the jelly sea. What you need is, I don't know, maybe a beef-based copy of the Titanic to approach in the sea of fat. Yeah. Anyway, so that's what my brain felt like. I could hear it hitting the insides of my head.

But frankly, I feel the same when kids ask me to go on the trampoline. Oh, that's very jolty as well. It's like a cranial trauma. I don't want to do that to myself. It's horrible. But I had to put a brain... You know what I was saying last week? I reckoned I could jump off a train and I'd be all right with it.

Yeah? I've lost confidence in that now. I actually felt... And not just that I got a bit of a bang, you know, from doing it. I felt sort of emotionally upset after I'd rolled down the bank. How many times did you roll down there? Just the once. Oh, really?

Oh, don't make me go back there. It was quite a long, you know, steep, many rolls. Did you feel like you'd had one of your falls? I felt like, I felt for a short period like I was going to die. Right. So rolling down a bank?

Yeah, rolling down a bank. It was much more. I mean, I'm 61. Should I be rolling down a bank at my age? I'd say so.

If you take the juxtaposition of over 60s travel card and rolling down a grass bank, I don't know if those two should ever, you're those two should ever... You're right.

Should ever be in juxtaposition. It was... Yeah. So if there's any elderly people listening, don't do it unless, you know, it's accidental. I imagine if you're at, say, the badminton horse trials, it could happen accidentally. I'm saying you'll get through it,

but don't expect it to be pleasant. I think that's fair, isn't it? I've used that line before. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. I'll tell you what I did. I went to the cinema at... I went to a 12.30 screening in the, you know, lunchtime. Oh, you did, yeah.

Oh, I love a bit of daytime. You really feel like you're... Unemployed? Yes. A friend of mine... Being the system. A friend of mine said they were in Leicester once and they did that

and they saw World Cup winning goalkeeper Gordon Banks on his own at a lunchtime screening of Edward Cissahans. Who would have thought? That's a good spot. Nice and quiet as well, so you get a good seat. I just think it was the hands thing. You probably thought, I'll go have a look seat. I just think it was the hands thing. You've obviously... Yeah, I'm interested in that.

Any hands-based stuff. Banksy was there. Banksy. He was the original Banksy, of course. Of course. So it was... I still got the thrill. Do you remember this?

The thrill of leaving a cinema and it's daylight. Oh, yeah. You still think, whoa! Who knew? Oh man, it was great. Are we allowed to know what you saw? I saw Peter Rabbit. Oh.

Are you on your own? No, no. Oh, okay. Just him and Gordon Banks. I just wanted to ascertain. I just wore a blue jacket. I do like the idea of you coming on your own to see Peter Rabbit. Yeah, I got a bit of spare time.

I quite fancied that Peter Rabbit thing. It was good. I really enjoyed it. But I wouldn't have gone on my own, no. No. Although I quite like going to the cinema on my own. Mm-hmm. Because I don't like to be fretting

about whether the other person's enjoying it all the time. But I tell you what a result. When we got there, they said, do you want the VIP seats? It's three pounds more. And I thought, I'm not paying three pounds more. It's already about 30 quid. Also, Al, I hope they didn't pause after telling you the price, so that for a brief moment you thought,

oh, they recognise me offering me the VIP seat. No, I paused after the £3. I went, hmm. I said, no, we'll be fine. And then when we got in, we went to the seats we'd bought, which was like the normal seats quite far back, and somebody looked like they'd just tipped out like four tobs of...

Popcorn? Popcorn, thanks, thank you. And the bloke said, you can't come in here, look at this, miss. He said, please go to VIP seats. Oh, results. And I thought, yes, yes, yes. Imagine, imagine my delight.

I mean, that, to me me probably put 10% on the film that's great I mean three little life upgrades anything oh such a happy moment you do enjoy things

like that don't you that thrill never goes away you have a freebs of course I'd rather pay and not have the awkward interaction would you always

I don't like freebies oh but I quite liked seeing all the popcorn on the floor. It looked great because it didn't look like someone had dropped a tub.

It looked like someone had repeatedly tipped tubs on the floor. It was great. Well, then you were able to have your what's this outrage moment?

I'll be straight with you. I would have ate the top layer. Because a lot of it hadn't touched the car but it was sitting on the popcorn. As far as you know,

it might have spilled off somebody's jacket. Somebody's blue jacket. Someone who's dressed up for the Peter Rabbit film on their own. And I also, I watched Sing. Oh, yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. And I also, I watched Sing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. He's my faithful manservant.

No, he isn't. Suddenly I found myself in a British 1930s novel. Do you know Sing? The animated singing competition? It's great. Yeah, but I've seen it now. Well, here's the thing. I've seen it four times. See, I would have guessed you'd seen it about 900 times.

No, no, that's my point. It was hard. You know, I think one of the biggest lies in modern society is multiple viewings. Oh, yes. Because it was hard for me to say I'd seen it four times because the temptation, if you've seen something four times, is to say you've seen it eight times.

Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. When people say, oh, yeah. I think I do that. I lie. I've seen Star Wars. I've seen The New Hope. I've seen that.

I've seen it 18 times. No, you've seen it like five times. But you can't resist lying about it. Yeah, I do seen that. I've seen it 18 times. No, you've seen it like five times. But you can't resist lying about it. Yeah, I do tell that lie a lot. Yeah. Never. Yeah, I'm glad you picked me up on that. About which film?

Not just you, everybody. Which film is it, though? Oh, I lie all the time. No, things that, you know, when I was, like I said, oh, Spinal Tap, I've seen that like a million times. I used to watch it every day. Well, no one thinks you've seen it a million times, obviously. But when people say I've seen it like nine times,

you've seen it three times. Right, right, yeah. That'd be a good texting, wouldn't it? One arm, would you say the most lied about things are? And let's keep it clean.

Yeah, above the belt. For breakfast, yeah. Totally above the belt. The most lied about things. But that would be up there, the amount of times you've seen something. Frank, can I ask you a question quickly about re-Peter Rabbit's clothing choices?

Yeah. Does he just wear the jacket then? Just a blue jacket. Okay. I think it might have been his dad's jacket. His dad, as you may know, was caught by Mr McGregor, killed and eaten in a pie. Oh.

That's one of the main strands of Peter Rabbit's... Black story. Yeah, and also his sort of pie avoidance is one of his big motivations throughout the whole thing. It's quite... I was reading Boz, Peter Rabbit, and there's a bit where Mr. Bonnie, which I think was Hugh Hefner's stage name, Mr. Bonnie just breaks down a bit of a branch off a tree

and whips Benjamin Bonnie with it. I've read that a few times to my friends in the S&M community. And we've shrieked with delight. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. We'll be reading some out in a second. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute

Radio website. I'm going to have a drink of water. You have a drink of water while Emily and I will discuss. I don't know why you came to work in a dog lead today, to be honest. That might be why. I came straight from farting. Imagine if Frank had been up all night. We've had some lovely missives in.

I'm going to read this one from Phil, who says, Morning, Frank and team. Have you heard someone prone to exaggeration? We should say we were talking earlier, if anyone has just joined us, Frank was talking about people that lie when they say they've seen a film nine times or something. Can I give you an example of this?

I met a friend of mine the other day and we went into this thing and she ordered a couple of coffees and she said something like, there were things like skinny and no chocolate on the top and all these, you know, qualifications. And the woman said, hot chocolate? And she said, no, no, no, no.

And then she did it again. And she had to order it three times. And when she came out, she said, God, that was a, I said, you were very patient. She said four times, come on. And I went with it. I was happy that she'd said four times. You went with the lie.

I didn't think three times fully expressed the intensity of the experience. It's like in the Bible when they say people live to be a thousand years. They just mean they were old. Yeah. But they just chuck years at it to make it sound. You're suggesting there's exaggeration in the Bible No, I'm suggesting it's a literary technique Oh, okay, alright

Or buying a modern coffee experience is similar to the Bible. This is a man who just went out for a coffee thing and Al said, can I have pouring cream? Pouring cream? I've never heard of that before.

Well, if not, you get that horrible spray cream that's disgusting. It's the sort of thing the late Princess Margaret would have specified. Pouring cream. She and I are like two peas in a pod in our bit of the Venn diagram. I've heard Wild West old-timers

talk about pouring whiskey. Give me a shout of that pouring cream. I think pouring whiskey is supposed to be the best stuff so you don't drink it out of the bottle. Oh, that makes sense. Well, I think Al specifically, if I may be so bold to speak for you, Al, I think he didn't want whipped cream.

Yeah. Unlike some of your friends. Yeah. Anyway, meanwhile... We're going back to Phil's text. Shall we go over to Phil's house? Meanwhile, over in Phil's crib, have you heard someone thrown to exaggeration

being described as, when you go to Tenerife, they've always been to Eleven-a-reef? That's good, though. I like it. Phil adds, my wife Sharon, in brackets, why the brackets, Phil?

Don't know. Has you Frank on her list of if you had to choose three dinner guests Oh lovely She is undecided

on the others Have a great weekend First on the team sheet That's good isn't it? That's good Well it is good unless you're surrounded by two other people

that could arguably have got on that team sheet Yeah I mean we're insulting much So how many people do this show? Three. Just saying. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, why don't you come with me and co-doula? Yeah. Come to the berth with me. A pair of you. Oh, yeah, all right. Yeah. That sounds good.

Yeah. Yes. So, by the way, watching the film several times now that one the multiple watching oh yeah

oh yeah yeah sorry it I as I watched it I thought it's actually quite good practice

for life that multiple repetition yeah yeah I think C.S. Lewis felt that that fear of the same old thing is what's destroyed humanity.

It ruins marriages, turns people to heresy, they walk out of good jobs, start doing drugs. Just because they... If you can really steel yourself to watching the same thing over and over then it prepares you for life oh goodnight can I say

I got a letter from Wisden World which I'm really hoping is a theme park. That'd be brilliant. You have to, say you walk in, it's got a big WG Grace and you have to walk in in between his bat and his... Well, we should say for people that don't know what Wisden is. Oh, Wisden is, I suppose one would call it the Bible of the cricket world. It's an almanac, isn't it?

It's an almanac, yeah. All right. Do you remember Old Moor's almanac? No. It was the predictions for the year. I wonder if it still exists. It was a big list. People will tell us of that uncertainty.

A big list of predictions. And people just sometimes sell it on the street. It used to be very popular when I was a kid. And there was adverts in it like, get rich through prayer. Oh, yeah. I thought, that can't be right. Oh, that's handy to know.

Yeah, it worked for me. Anyway, I got a letter from Bill from Wisden World and he has sent me the new Wisden. And I think of all the things that have been sent me at the show, I can't think of anything I was more excited. And a pristine 2018 Wisden. It just made me think the cricket season's here and summer and loveliness.

May I ask what's within the almanac? I mean, do they have, is it just people's past performances? Because I don't want to go to books. Well, there's statistical things, but there's also, I think, Andy Zaltzman has written an article about Jimmy Anderson. Oh, he's very much in the cricket world. He really is.

Yeah, so there's loads of stuff. You know, cricketers of the year. Will all tampering be in there? Unless it's an addendum. I think that would have missed the print. It's not very wisdom, is it?

Yeah. 20 cricket moments you just won't believe. Yeah, maybe I'll, if you buy it in Australia, the spine's just slightly raised on it. Anyway, that's enough cricket. That's lost half the audience. They hate it when I talk about cricket. Well, you don't like it when we talk about praise.

But I feel in this instance, attention must be paid. I believe it was from Death of a Salesman, which is a strange thing to put on commercial radio. But I watched Urban Myths, and can I just say I recommend it to everyone? It's so good. And I almost cried with pride. I thought Frank was so brilliant in it.

And Don Newton has got in touch to say, I just watched Urban Myths, Johnny Cash and the Ostrich, one of the funniest programmes I've seen in decades. But I like this. You're amazing, Frank. You inhabited the role supernatural ability. It's just a brilliant bit of praise. Supernatural, Frank.

That's lovely. You know we don't do praise on the show. I know we don't, but I had to. I'm sorry. And everyone who wrote in about it, I really appreciate it. Thank you very much. Shall we talk about Justin Bieber's car? Yes.

Justin Bieber's car. Ooh, ooh, ooh. I hope no one misheard that. Justin Bieber's car. Ooh, ooh, ooh. He drives it very far. Oh, very good. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I wonder if he does. Accompanied by his mother. Oh, come on. He loves his mother. He loves his mother, doesn't he, Justin? Very good. I wonder if he does. Accompanied by his mother. He loves his mother. Very good. Well, she's not going anywhere. She's no fool. I'm not sure if he does drive it very far. It's a Lamborghini and it's been in the news

this week. I'm not just bringing this up in my role as motoring correspondent. It's been in the news because it appeared to have been spray-painted with cash only across the side. And it looked like it had been daubed by some kind of graffiti artist.

Great use of daubed, FYI. Yeah, that is good. There's only ever graffiti that's daubed or painted. Anything else daubed? Yeah, that's excellent. And then the thing... There's been a spite of daubed? Yeah. Yeah, that's excellent. There's been a spate of daubings. Spate of daubings would be a good band name, wouldn't it? It would.

That flock of seagulls. That would be good. And then it turned out that it hasn't been daubed because Bieber himself turned up somewhere wearing what looked like a pair of chinos. Sure. Not very nice chinos. They were quite Microsoft

inventor in the 90s weren't they? They looked quite stiff like he was wearing chinos made out of like a envelope that you used to send photographs in. Yeah. Very good. Do not bend. Yeah. Imagine getting trousers that said do not bend.

Well his said cash only. Cash only. But Al, what's weird is it looked like it had been written on in Sharpie on the turn up. Yeah, but if he thinks I'm going to write cash only on a pair of trousers, he's going to sort out the worst trousers he's got to write that on. Oh, that makes sense. So he thinks, what about those do not bend chinos?

Yeah. They're always awkward to walk in anyway. Yeah. Get him used up. That makes sense actually now. It is a weird... Maybe you saw your Urban Myths, Frank, and he's doing a bit of ambient PR for it. What, for it? Okay, show me. That's what he's doing.

He's on the side paper. Yeah, it's like a viral campaign. It's gone wild. It's something, we shouldn't explain what it is, but the fares is very imminent. And Daisy's not with us today. Sarah's producing, and she's got, I don't know, a different edge. Daisy's slightly frightening.

How would you describe Sarah? Sarah is more, you'll get me the sack if you don't stop talking soon. It's that approach. It's more a Great Depression sort of approach. Buddy, can you spare me a dime? So let's come back to Bieber, because I can't cope with the emotional sway of it.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So Bieber and his cash-only motif. The cash-only thing, it comes from a friend of his, he's an art, he's a photographer or something, and cash-only is his catchphrase, isn't it? Yeah, he seems to just put cash-only across existing works of art, so he'll sort of...

Do Termini, I believe he's called. He'll daub cash only across, for example, e.g., the Mona Lisa. That's just the only one he's heard of. Anyone know any art? Yeah. No, I think he actually did that. No, he literally did write cash only on a photograph of the Mona Lisa. I think so, yeah.

You know, it has long been my view that photography is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Has it? Yeah, because painting is so hard and photography is so easy. It is easy, you're right. Let's just look at the switchboard for all the photographers texting in immediately. I know, God bless you. I mean, some people, yeah, there are some, you do see some lovely photographs, of course. But a lot of them are on my phone.

Yeah, you do see some lovely photographs. I'm brilliant at it. But they're not as hard to do as oil paintings. No, they're not. They're just not. But don't you think Frank's review could be nice? Just outside the photographer's gallery or something, you do see some lovely photographs of Frank Skinner.

Lovely. You do, but like I said, I take some amazing photographs, if I may say so. It's really arrogant, Frank. No, it isn't, because I don't think it's that tricky to do. These days, especially. Yeah. Well, you say you take some good photos.

Bieber said, because he showed off his tats recently, we should say, he said, I absolutely love art. So obviously he's keen on it, and that's why he's gone down the old cash-only route. By the way, speaking of cash-only, what about this for a hot off the press? Whatever happens to? Bitcoin. Oh, well, it had a dip.

It was everywhere, wasn't it? All you heard about was stupid Bitcoin. How dare you? And it's just gone. It's gone from the news completely. I think part of the reason that people have stopped talking about it is the people that were talking about it thought they had loads of money in it,

and then they haven't, and now they're like, actually, it's probably worth not talking about it. That's more reason for talking about it. People still talk about Lloyds. It's gone. You know what? It's gone. It's gone down with the dabbing. Down with the dabbing? Yeah.

That's also gone. When's the last time you've seen someone dab? I haven't seen someone dab for a while. You're absolutely right. Finished. I'm also intrigued by the car colour choice that Bieber has made. He's gone for the turquoise.

Turquoise blue, it says in the paper. Because I associate that with the lovely old three wheelers from the 70s if you remember those what they used to love those cars like robins they weren't no they were different to rely on robins i think they were called inva cars they were for x they were for injured servicemen i think they were for originally oh yeah they were sky blue weren't they turquoise i'm going to i don't want to fall out over blue. I'll tell you why.

Because they were used by the disabled and there used to be a big section at Coventry City for people that they could watch the game from those cars. Oh, really? And I always thought that's why they were light blue because Coventry City had really invested in it. They'd got a proper area you could park in. Coincidentally, Man City had that as well.

No, I don't know if they did, but the same car. I think they were taken off the market. I don't think they were fatalities, but I think they used to burst into flames. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't know about you, but I hate it when that happens. Yeah, it's not for me. When you drive down a motorway and you see a car with fire on it though, that is...

As long as everyone's got out. Because often everyone's got out and they're just standing looking at it. Like people at a bonfire. Brilliant. That is good. That is brilliant. I once saw a caravan. I don't think we should have best road accidents.

No! That's a terrible idea. No, but no one was hurt in this. Because the car was fine, but what had happened was the caravan had come off the back. And the caravan, look, it had flipped. And it had opened. You know those sardine cans? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. At the top of it. And there was a fabulous vapour trail of furniture, books, clothes, right the way. It all come out. If you was above it, it'd look like a tadpole, I imagine. The head of the tadpole would be the remains of the caravan. And then the belongings would be the spindly, slightly see-through tail.

There you go. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 245 has texted, Frank, nobody's dabbing anymore. The kids are all flossing now. No, I said it's gone. But they said they're flossing now.

I'm glad to hear they're flossing. They're flossing. I don't know. I imagine it's dental hygiene. The young people in the room don't know. I imagine it's dental hygiene. The young people in the room don't know. No, I think it must be some sort of dance move

that looks a bit like flossing. Remember those striptease artists used to run a feathered boa? Oh, yeah. Yes, it was a bit like dry yourself down

with a towel. It was a bit like that, yeah. Yes. Frank, you know... There's nowhere to go on that one. I'm sorry. I'm going to change the subject. You know the know... There's no way to go on that one. I'm so sorry. I'm going to change the subject.

You know the reason that Bieber's on a bit of a sabbatical? Yeah. Do you know this? Yes, because he cancelled his tour due to illness. Well, I tell you what he's... Unforeseen. He's now said... Wasn't it?

He said, I want my mind, heart and soul to be sustainable. Yeah. That's the reason he's given. I read in the paper that I read he was looking after his health and his Christianity. mind, heart and soul to be sustainable. Yeah. That's the reason he's given. It's said in the paper that I read he was looking after his health and his Christianity. That was what he was... In that order. That's someone well for you.

Maybe. Yeah, but he's well enough to be out... Cycling. He's going to the spin cycle classes. Yeah, is it that... I don't get the point. Well, he's got a new girlfriend, Baskin Champion. Is she?

One of those names that you love, Frank, that you always see in the Daily Mail. Baskin Champion. Baskin Champion. It's not a million miles from Dunkin' Donut. But interesting, that artist and the now-charged, what is he called? Joe Termini.

Yes. Termini. What's his catchphrase? Cash only. Cash only. Bieber met him after the bloke was attacked by a shark. No. Yeah, that was how they met.

In a, I don't know, shark recovery. Did you read this in How We Met in the Guardian magazine? Yeah, exactly. On a weekend. Yeah, it was. It's a picture of Bieber, a picture of the artist, and a picture of the shark, as if he was some sort of matchmaker.

Yeah, the shark is, I don't know, it would be a sort of a dating agency figure. Cupid's bow. Yeah, but isn't it funny how things bring people together? It is. Shark attacks. And the irony is, of course, a basking shark is a

well-known breed of shark. Oh, yes. He's shark mad. Is it a breed or a genre? Shark, shark, shark. Bieber. But what a great way to meet. I mean, what was he doing in a shark recovery ward? Visiting. Do you think he was doing that visiting thing that celebrities do?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, how many people are in a shark recovery ward? One of the few wards in the modern world in empty beds, I should think. There can't be that many. You think there's a separate ward for shark attacks? I think he said he met him in a shark recovery ward. Sorry, I'm not laughing well i am fine with that yeah that seems fine to laugh at it's an absurd idea that there's a shark

recovery ward it's all right to laugh at that yeah fin on the bedpan bit of purchase yeah so that's how you met him, Cash Only, the Cash Only man. Yeah. Joe Termini. Yeah. That's his name. Yeah. How do you spell that?

Well, I'm saying it because it's Italian, I would imagine. Termini. I would say Termini, like Napoli. Yeah. Right. What do I know? Quite a lot, it turns out. Yeah.

I bet he was a bit worried about nominal determination when he's been attacked by the shark and he's got Terminal as his surname. He thought, I knew this would happen. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Oh no, I'll tell you what. I read on Mail Online, which I tried to avoid. Do you? Yeah, this is M-A-I-L. Yeah. I read an article about Bieber and the car and all that thing, trying to work out the whole what was happening and who Term and I was, et cetera.

And they have a habit in the Daily Mail, which I find, they do this thing of they call him Bieber, Justin Bieber, and then the next time they mention it, they call him, say, Justin. Yeah. And then they start coming up with all the things to stop repeating them so I've seen them do it I know they do it but in this article they've gone

so they say they call him the Canadian crooner so they say the Canadian crooner has bought this car because and then the March for Our Lives activist didn't even know what that was didn't know if that was on his CV And then the March for Our Lives activist. Is it? I didn't even know what that was.

Didn't know if that was on his CV. Put fancy chalk in there, didn't you? That's the gun control thing, is it? Is it? March for Our Lives, was that recent? You know the kids, they all marched. I think that's what that is. But it sounds like the title of an album or something, doesn't it?

That's why he bought the non-faulting trousers, to keep him up during the march. Apparently he's not. The Friends hitmaker. Is Friends one of his... Must be. What? Has he got a hit called Friends?

Oh, I thought you meant it was something to do with the sitcom. The popular sitcom. The popular 90s sitcom. Oh, no. Then he was called the ex-boyfriend of Selena Gomez. I mean, this is...

We're walking into... It's becoming a CV. And my favourite at one point in the article, he was referred to as the tattoo-sleeved millennial. Wow! I mean, that doesn't narrow it down much, does it? No, but for goodness... I think we should encourage this on the show.

What do you think of the Miseley Matt Mitherer? Alan Cochran. What about Chive Challenge Child of the Chattering Classes? She's definitely Chive Challenged. I'm so Child of the Chattering Classes. I love that. What about you, Frank? Have you come up with one for you?

Come on. I'll do it. I'll do it. A bit of a git. Can't just? Come on. I'll get it. I'll do it. Bit of a git. Can't just go full git. Bit of a git. I must look up some... Because I am very occasionally on Mail Online. How are they called?

Three Lions Singer. Yeah, it'd be something like that. I was once introduced by Bob Mill. You know Bob Mill's a comic. He introduced me as the comedy king from the old bull ring. Oh, lovely. Sometimes as well, Frank, you might get a TV funny man in paragraph three. Yeah, I haven't had that for a while. What about Chris Evans, madcap broadcaster?

Oh, he's definitely a madcap broadcaster. Oh, marvellous. But yeah, I mean, sleeved as well. Tattooed sleeves. Tattooed sleeves for millennial. Yeah. Didn't have Follower of the Nazarene in there. No.

Wouldn't that have been great if it had that? They should have. They missed the trick there. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Anyway, I also think he didn't look quite as handsome as he used to look. He's growing his hair out. He's in between. Do you think, is he?

I think he's in between hairstyles. Well, he's doing that thing. Where's his beard? Where's his beard? Oh, we found out, didn't we, where Buzz's beard was? Yeah, we did. Apparently, he's like a sort of a Play-Doh fun factory, and the Play-Doh is still sitting in there. You just have to turn the thing, and out it comes.

And that happens later on. Yeah, it was to do with his hormones. Follicle, yeah. Increasing testosterone during the teenage years. The hair follicles are like eggs sitting. You know in the sci-fi film where they go into a cave, and there's giant ant eggs? Yeah.

It's like that. I feel we might be tiptoeing back into last week's guessing science territory. Yeah. Yeah, well, we've had, I mean, 866 did say it's hormonal changes in teenage years that cause hair growth. I can't tell him that. He's five. You could tell him he'll know. I need broad strokes.

You should have heard some of the things my parents taught me. You could tell him he'll know he I need broad strokes. You should have heard some of the things my parents taught me. You could tell him he'll know he's a young man when the beard starts. Can I tell you another question he asked me? He said, why isn't a unicorn, wouldn't it be better if a unicorn was called a uni-horn? And I thought, that's brilliant, isn't it? That is good. Absolutely brilliant. He's like an avant-garde poet.

That is good. Yeah. And what did you say? Yeah, it would be better. I said, actually, it would. Good. And then I thought, does he know that uni means one? Yeah.

From unicycle, I would guess. Oh, yeah, that's what I was thinking. Unabomber. Oh, right. That was Una. Una. What does Una mean, then? Una Stobbs?

Yeah. It wasn't her, was it? No. Was it? And what if she'd have been arrested? That would have been awful. I think it's right that you said, yes, it would be better. I think it's good to tell the infants that the world is flawed

and ideally, you know, encourage the idea that they can improve it. Well, a unicorn... Make that change. Yeah. You know... Be the change. Unicorn would... Be the change you want to see in the world, Hal. Is that what you're suggesting?

Sorry, yeah. Is that Gandhi? Is it me and Gandhi? David Gandhi said that to me, yeah. David. Yeah, yeah. Is that what Gandhi said? David Gandhi said to me,

be the change you want to see in the world. He didn't. That's Mahatma, not David. It's one out. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, sorry.

No, that's the trouble with the elderly, if you're into that. It's all right. There'll be other good stuff on the way. I can feel it. I can feel it in the drainpipe of my consciousness. In the drainpipe of my consciousness You live like a fungus of love I might write a couple of protest numbers.

That was more of a love song, wasn't it? Then you could be called the Brummie protest singer on your bio. That'd be lovely. Yeah, it would be something like the angel-faced activist. Wouldn't it? What do you think? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, mate, I might work on the first bit. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website, please. We've actually, we were discussing just before the Daily Mail descriptions of, for example, Justin Bieber. A classic one would be Kylie Minogue, the pint-sized pop star. Ah, yes. Lovely Al. Always.

Apparently. I haven't even gone metric on it. What about, do you think Frank gets some? Very daily, Al. Al, I thought of another Frank one. Oh, yeah. The Three Lions hitmaker. Indeed.

Well, 272 has texted, Frank's referred to as the actor in one recent Mail Online article. The people have not forgotten Perkins. No, that's good news. That's just as good as TV funny. I certainly haven't. I actually got a picture of me as Perkins

over my son's bed. Just so he remembers. Yeah, he'll know. Yeah, when there's a time when he thinks I'm a rubbish dad, just remember that. Yeah, there's a time when he thinks I'm a rubbish dad. Just remember that. Yeah. Also, 780 has texted, Dear Enquirer, Old Moors Almanac does still exist.

Does it? And they sell it in my local newsagents. That's from Amanda in Sydenham. I didn't see that coming. Oh, very good. And she's just put Sydenham. So if we just go in all newsagents local to Sydenham. I didn't see that coming. Oh, very good. And she's just put Sydenham. So if we just go in all newsagents local to Sydenham, we'll eventually get an Old Moors almanac for you.

There used to be a gig at the Greyhound pub in Sydenham. Very good. Hosted by Reeves and Mortimer. Really? Yeah. And I remember I went on and I said, I noticed that the ground on the sign is couchant rather than rampant,

which is, it's a reference to heraldic animals, whether they're lying down or risen up. Wow. I never got them back, I don't think. You did that at the top of the gig? I started with that. Really bold choices there. Well, I thought, you know,

they'll like that because it's about the sign outside the pub. And they didn't? Yeah. No, they didn't like that. But people of Sydenham weren't out for heraldic animal humour.

No, they weren't out for a Couchant shout-out. No, heraldic references at Sydenham. No, we're Aldic references at Kassidnam. That's the end of that. I'm staggered to hear that. Frank, we've been talking about Bieber's life motto, the current, we'll say, life motto, which appears to be cash only.

Has that become his life motto? It's everywhere, come on. He's got it on his trousers. It's his slogan, isn't it? Has he done a bit of an, I'm having that, to his mate? It's his mate's slogan. But maybe he's trying to promote his mate's work with it. I don't know.

But he's adopted it, definitely, yeah. I'm worried about that. What about this? For Cake and Hot Springs. Cake and Hot Springs? Yes. What, as a motto? That is the secret to life, according to...

Now, this is one of my faves this week, so I want to talk about him. The world's oldest man. Ah, the world's oldest. Masazo Nanaka. Pardon? Masazo Nanaka. Okay.

Kuna Manitata. 112 years young. Masazo Nanaka 112 years young Masazo Nanaka it's a wonderful day means no worries for the rest of your day there aren't many of them let's be honest

no but he's 112 I mean come on I think even he would. Hey, it's a problem free. Oh, yeah. Philosophy. What's his name? Come on. Brilliant. He's turned

112. Wow. Now, what I loved about this, it said he was born months before Einstein published the theory of relativity and shortly before the Wright brothers. The first flight. I don't know why I felt that's so funny. They always do that with old people, don't they?

I was born less than 12 years after Hitler died. Wow. I know. I know what you're thinking. Dodged a bullet there. I'm just glad there was such a gap Yeah exactly Do you believe in reincarnation? Absolute

Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio So Masazo Nanaka Yeah He um I like the sound of him Do you? Well do you know why? So, Masazo Nanaka. Yeah. He, um, I like the sound of him.

Do you? Well, do you know why? I think he might be a bit of a git. Right. Okay. I do. I got that vibe as well. I think if you're 112, you're going to get a bit grumpy, aren't you?

I say it with immense admiration, obviously. But his daughter, he was talking, he was saying, you know, it was due to cake and hot springs. This is what he put his sort of youthfulness down to. What does he mean by hot springs? It's a stretcher that he went out with like 20 years ago. Okay, well, she's given him a new lease of life. Yeah, lovely. He said in the interview, yeah,

I owe a longevity to hot springs okay yeah anyway she's a very good flossing yeah which you need

at that age I should think actually he isn't directly quoted in any of the interviews no you're right they've spoken for him the only thing that he says

in the interview is yum like the only actual quote. I feel like they're patronising him a little bit. Yeah. The only quote is yum. There's no, oh, this is a bit of wisdom. It's all said by other people for him.

Oh, he likes this, he likes that. His daughter says, if we give him a meal and he doesn't like it, he'll secretly give it to the pets. And then she says, the reason I think he's lived so long is because he's stress-free. Because if there's anything he doesn't like, he tells you about it.

I said, well, get your story straight, love. Yeah. Why is he giving it secretly to the pets? But I like that he tells you about it. One of the pets is 108. So it might be the diet. But I like that he tells them about it. One of the pets is 108 so it might be the diet. But I like that he tells them about it. I think that's one of those nice

euphemistic ways of suggesting that a family member is a little bit bad tempered. Which I like. My most intriguing sentence in the whole article I read was it said that the world's oldest woman title is currently vacant.

Yeah. How does that work? Well, they haven't found me yet. There's got to be a world's oldest. I mean, I'm over here. There's got to be a world's oldest woman. It can't be vacant, can it? Oh, yeah.

They've got to know them and have it verified, though, presumably. Yeah, but in the meantime, you just pick the oldest woman you know. Surely you don't leave it un Oh yeah. They've got to know them and have it verified though presumably. Yeah but in the meantime you just pick the oldest woman you know surely you don't leave it unoccupied that type of Well and there's crowns

to be handed out and cake to be eaten. Do they get crowns? Yeah. I don't think they get actual crowns. They get a sash like Miss World.

That would be Like Miss Alabama Baskin Champion. Yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean Al I did feelaskin-Chamberlain. Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean, Al. I did feel they were slightly putting words into his mouth. Yeah. I mean...

If he doesn't like them, I'll just give them to the pet. Yeah. I... They said he'd have a party, didn't they, with cake, and that's why he'd said yum. He'd said yum, yeah. But surely he should have a party every day. Yeah, every day's a party. Because every day he becomes the world's oldest man. Yeah'd said yum, yeah. But surely he should have a party every day. Yeah, every day is a party.

Because every day he becomes the world's oldest man. Yeah, if he's 112, yeah. I mean, it's a very difficult record to write down. I mean, I've got the Corrin Guinness Book of Records. And, of course, it's already out of date as far as the world's oldest man. I can't keep changing it with marginalia. No.

He likes his hobbies are watching sumo wrestling and samurai dramas. I'm in. I love the samurai drama. I thought of you when I read that out. I feel like that is a description of somebody I would get on with. He speaks his mind and he watches samurai

dramas. I'm in. I love a samurai drama. I'm not sure about sumo. Oh, it's alright. I'm not sure about sumo. Oh, it's all right. I went and saw a schoolboy sumo once. Did you? An outdoor schoolboy sumo in Japan. Really?

Yeah. And every kid was like I was when I was about seven, just totally skinny, little school kid. Apart from one kid who was absolutely mini sumo I mean he was massive this kid really what's the word nowadays

he was a fat kid right yeah I don't think that is the word I don't think it's that is that the word okay let me see rotund

yeah okay yeah and he loved his curves he was a proper sumo child and he had the hairstyle, and he picked up these thin kids,

and he just chucked them around. Like you chuck dull action men around. I mean, he was... You know their horrible neighbour in Toy Story 1? He was like that. I mean... And he beat them all, of course. Not only did he beat them,

he just dismissed them like gnats. And then the teachers got in at the end and they beat the hell out of this kid. And I said to the translator, is this all right with you? And she said, honey, you must learn that, you know, he's not the best. You must learn that. I'm surprised you can't, he's not the best. He must learn that.

Brilliant. I'm surprised you didn't say very cruel. It was. I was a bit shocked by it. That's great. The teachers looked like they were loving it, really throwing him about. And he was like, you know, I don't know if you've ever seen a Mr. Michelin man fall off the top of an oncoming lorry on the motorway.

It was like that. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on the motorway. It was like that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think the big plus of being the oldest man in the world is it's a record. You know they say, like with Man City at the moment, they say the thing is,

you don't have to worry about other results as long as you keep winning. Right, yeah. And it have to worry about other results as long as you keep winning. And it's one of those records that as long as you keep going no one is going to overtake you. It's not like cycling where you have to go up and down the track to stop someone from overtaking. Or do that weird thing

of constantly looking behind your shoulder which I find a bit creepy. I don't know how you've discussed that. They were worried because it says in the article last year he was ill. Oh, no. Last year he was 111. Sorry. Excellent work.

Order. Order. Excellent. No, it's right. But how great to just know as long as you keep going, the record will remain yours. No one's going to...

Your money's safe. It's also an Anarcha. It's not overtakers you need to worry about. Oh, very good. Everyone's jumping in now. Your turn Em. Well, I don't have a fabulous pun to add,

but I do have a word or two on his sartorial choices. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I liked what the guy wore. I liked it. He went went for because i often do think about what our what my look will be when those years when you're 112 yeah well maybe i won't last 112 you know i had a busy class apparently we all um there's a lot going on there but i think someone else still acts as a preservative oh that's good to know um google some of that stuff

so but i often think what will my look be when I get to that age? And I know Karl Lagerfeld, as I believe I've shared with you before, says sweatpants are a sign of defeat. Oh, really? Yeah, that's his life motto. But I liked him because I thought he struck the balance, Masazo Nanaka, absolutely right. He had a puffer, a sleeveless puffer, funnily enough.

Oh, did he? In a sort of bronze tan shade. absolutely right. He had a puffer, a sleeveless puffer, funnily enough. Oh, did he? In a sort of bronze tan shade, but just two of the buttons done up. And then a nice... He had a buttoned puffer, as opposed to a zip. Yeah, he had two buttons, and then... See, that's great when you've got spare time in the day. A sort of... Buttons.

To do those buttons on. Because what else is he doing? It took him two hours, to be fair. Watching samurai dramas. Watching samurai. Yet another baby cart movie. Baby cart is a popular samurai. He had a shirt, a kind of 80s detailed patterned shirt,

which I liked. And then I think he did go for a slight sweat pant thing on the legs. I wasn't looking at that. It was a Peter Rabbit thing. I was just focusing on the top. Yeah. But then some nice comfy socks. And he looked natty, which I liked.

Natty? Yeah, he hadn't let it all go. No, good on him. So you could have worse role models clothes-wise than the world's oldest man. Well, okay. I think, why don't we have next week, we all have to come dressed as the world's oldest man.

I've already got a large part of the outfit. And, of course, the face. I can bring the face. I'm going to have all my teeth removed. Yeah. I'm sorted. Done. Will you marry me?

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. On the subject of people looking old, we've got an email here that's been in the corner for a little while. Long-term reader, first-time email cornerer. I'll save the platitudes,

but I've been listening to the show for at least six years and have been particularly enjoying the whatever happened to section. With this in mind, I offer the following. Whatever happened to people looking their age.

One cannot simply rely on fashion selections, technological abilities, wrinkles, or even by the age of their children. Being in a considerable age gap relationship myself, I realise I do not help this problem. Legend!

Also considerable. We don't know which direction they're in the age gap relationship. No, that's true. This is from... It's Have a Marvellous Weekend, Rosie. Rosie? Yeah.

So, either way... Let's hope this hasn't been in the corner too long. Oh, dear. Anyway, fingers crossed. I wholeheartedly agree with this. I think it is very difficult to tell these days. Oh, it is. And, in fact, I have an anecdote.

Oh. I was on stage the other night. You're a jingle for that. Oh, I'm just going to... Alan's anecdote. Let me make myself comfortable. No, no, no. It's not a long anecdote.

I'm just gathering by the fireside. Put another log on, Frank. It's a frustration of mine. I have some material in my current touring stand-up show. Ticket's still available. And that's not what it's called. The next one should be. Cash only.

Mine's called Considerable Age Gap Relationship. But there's a bit in it where it's quite useful to speak to somebody young. So I'm on stage the other night in Stafford. I glance around. I can't see anybody young. And I'd forgotten momentarily that I'd already spoken to a lady on the front row who was 23

so I should have just spoken to her but I forgot you can't think of everything you've got other things on your mind I was trying to get to the next lot of jokes

and I glance around and I say to a lady on the front row I go how old are you do you mind me asking 55 wow

she said 55 and I'd already said you look quite young how old are you I mean that's but there's a certain gloominess when you're looking at an audience as well. Coming back at me, there is. It's very flattering.

I mean, we've all had shocks of seeing people in the audience and then seeing them in the bright light of a hotel room. No, we haven't. Have we? Oh. Just me then. Legend! Legend!

Well, you see, when I was a young man and people used to get old, there used to be a moment where I don't know quite what happened, but they would change the way they dressed.

They would... Right. Well, we've discussed this. They would go to what I call the I Have Given Up shop. They would go to the backstage they dressed. They would... Right. Well, we've discussed this, but they would go to what I call the I Have Given Up shop. They would go to the beige stage. Yeah. And suddenly,

people who never wore beige, ever, would have beige clothes on. And those... And where would we buy them from, Frank? Maybe the back pages of the Sunday Subcommentary? Well, they're still pushing it.

If you was to look in the Daily Mail today, I would suspect, this is the newspaper, not the online version, you would see trousers which are not called trousers, they're called slacks. Oh yeah, slacks.

What is the difference between trousers and slacks? 8, 12, 15. But they've got like an elasticated waist thing and they're beige. So there still must be

some beige pensioners out there. But it used to absolutely, people would suddenly start wearing beige. And I always thought that they'd have white hair, beige clothes, they'd stop wearing the red lipsticks. They're steadily preparing for the transparent creaminess of a ghost hood. But when they're ghosts, Frank, will they be in the slacks or maybe in a 50s prom dress? Well, you know my big problem with ghosts.

Is their clothing choices. How do they have clothes? How do the clothes make it across the great divide? Yeah. Because I can see an argument. There's something about the spirit, you know, the body, whatever. But why a pair of acrylic slacks

should have an afterlife? Yeah, that doesn't seem fair, does it? I don't want naked ghosts. Well, I think people would be less frightened of them if they were naked. Some of them seem to take a few possessions as well, like some pins and nez. Yeah.

You think, well, what? Chains. What else do you think? I know, they get the chains there. Sorry. I don't think you can take them through departures. But they wear hats, though. You have to get them in duty free on the other side. But, like, spectacles and hats.

That's right. Yes. Is it like a luxury item on Desert Island Discs or something? They're only allowed two things, hence sometimes the hat and the spectacles. But the spectacles... You would think one thing that would come from ghosthood, surely, would be a sort of innate laser eye surgery

that you'd never near sighted. Of course, if you're a ghost, it doesn't matter if you walk into things. We've had a text from 240 saying, how do ghosts get clothes that they were not buried in? Some may have been cremated, but still have clothes when they haunt. Yeah.

Yeah. I like the idea that they haunt, they do it as an activity. Well, they do haunt, there's no getting around it. It's not like on their to-do list, is it? Set an agenda. That's all they've got to do. I always think it's imposed on them, I don't think it's a choice thing. I think it's how people respond to them.

They find them haunting, but they're not I don't think the ghosts are saying, yeah, I'm going to go and do a bit of haunting. It's not an activity. The ghosts are just being. Yeah, exactly. I think it's like being a night watchman. What, you think they're on a router? I think it's a job.

I do. I think they all have to do their share of going out and making sure everything's okay. Like a rota. Going up, upstairs, or downstairs, for the lucky ones, and checking out, yeah, checking out the old place.

That's my view. That's why sometimes you see big Alsatian ghosts. Do you get animal ghosts? You do, don't you, I think. I think I've heard of... Yeah. Do you? I think...

Very quiet, aren't they? That thing about the beige period... Well, someone... I say someone, 619. Let's call a 619 a 619. It says old beige pensioners, which I think is fabulous. Yeah, it is. The good thing about that is that unlike

the ghosts, I think if the pensioners took off their beige clothes they were still beige underneath. But there was a sort of what you could call a beige decompression chamber which they dwelt in, in between the life of the younger person

and the other side, if you were. Okay. And I think, since they've stopped doing that, people are living longer. It's almost like the Grim Reaper finds it hard to spot the elder. It's got to be some...

It's too much of a coincidence. It's got to be some, it's too much of a coincidence. It's like they've managed to extend the sort of conveyor belt of life so that the skip is a little bit further away than it used to be.

Oh, Masao Zononaka. I find it interesting to note, what colour was he wearing? Bright red, was it? No, not beige, was it? Bronze slash? Bright red, was it? No. Not beige, was it? Bronze slash beige. Oh, was it?

Oh, well, he's not long for this world. He's on the run. I'm not sticking my neck out there. Spoiler alert. The 112-year-old man. Let me tell you when the oldest man in Britain, who I think was 107 when he died, he used to still go to his local bowls club

and they interviewed the captain of the bowls club. And they said to him, what did you think when you got the news? He said, well, they found me upset. I couldn't believe it. I thought, you really are a man who's very, very hard to convince. You're a sceptical man.

No, yeah, some are funny. I bet he said, oh, some are funny, got on there. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Anyway, yes, so I think,

I do think people live longer since we got rid of the beige but you're suggesting that people still it's hard to know though everything is hard to know why don't you get ghost dinosaurs says 104 that is a

I remember hearing someone on a radio debate they had a debate about whether the Loch Ness monster existed and there were stories about it could be this dinosaur that had lived on and someone said I think it's a ghost and you thought mate

you're already checking people with you already is hard enough but don't make it a ghost you're just pushing it too far ghost dinosaurs though interesting can I tell you something I learnt this week I was watching the Masters You're just pushing it too far. Yeah. Ghost dinosaurs, though. Interesting. Can I tell you something I learnt this week?

I was watching the Masters. The golf. You know the golf? Yeah, the Masters. You watch the golf? I watch a bit of golf. He loves all sports. Do you? I was on holiday.

I did watch a bit of golf. I didn't know you watched golf. I don't. I'm not saying I watch golf, but I did watch golf this week. I'm back down now. That means you do watch golf. After I'd rolled down the grass bank,

I had to convalesce for 48 hours. Yeah, yeah. Couldn't get back up to turn the telly over. I was watching, and you know, golf comes. Invalid's TV. The origin of golf is that it comes from the Netherlands, which was Holland when I was a kid. I don't know when

that change happened that's what I'm so angry about yeah it's always Holland football team Holland Holland Holland are in the

World Cup final oh Netherlands anyway so it came from Holland and then it was it was picked up by

the Scots in particular oh yeah and in those days they didn't even play on a course they'd pick like a local building It came from Holland and then it was picked up by the Scots in particular. And in those days, they didn't even play on a course. They'd pick like a local building and you had to hit the ball at that and it was who could get it the closest. So it came, do you know what it was called? No. Now, bear in mind, things change, I realise over time, you know, because of things change.

What that game was called? Colf. Why bother changing that? So it's arrived as Colf, and somebody thought, oh, no, I don't like that. What about golf? Too tricky. Can't get my mouth around Colf.

Yeah, golf. Oh, that's much better I like that a lot the difference is made yeah let's stick with that oh well I'll be glad to see the back of golf

I don't know about you unbelievable anyway it's been lovely talking to you today I'm going to go home and wallow in wisdom

oh nice I'm bringing golf back yeah exactly I might go home and watch the in wisdom. I'm bringing Kolf back. Yeah, exactly. I might go and watch the Kolf on my really old black and white telly. Anyway, thank you for listening and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.