The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Celebrity Parade

Episode Date: April 9, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Alun Cochrane. The team chat about the showbiz party that Emily and Frank attended, will.i.am, the colouring craze and Frank also gets nostalgic about a celebrity parade he once took part in.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yes, them very good friends of mine. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio, email the show via, I'm happy with Latin, the Absolute Radio website. And so we settle. I've got a bit of a throat, I should tell you, early on. So if I sound...

You have. If I sound hoarse... Well, I know why you've got that throat. Oh, yes. Because we went out this week, Al. Oh, my goodness. To a bash. Bit of gossip.

And I think Frank got a little bit overexcited. He was talking away all the time. He was out anyway, didn't he? What can I do when people come over? I mean, he does a lot of talking in a typical week. I've never seen him talk like this. The thing was, I was worried a bit about the throat before I got there, and then I pushed it to the limit.

At the end of the night, I said, are we going now? He sounded like an Ibiza club promoter. There was some load. Also, whenever I've got a sore throat, I have a massive urge to shout as loud as I can, because I know I can't, and I miss just the opportunity to do it. And shouting's always been... One of the things I miss most about drinking is shouting.

You know, shouting in the street you know when you lie in bed at night you hear people really shouting in the street they talk so loud people don't they i could hear some shouting um whilst i was talking to some people as i was going to my car after a show the other night and there was this repeated shout yeah and then this exact same time pause, rah, rah, rah! And then the exact same time pause, and I said to them, has Darby got, like, a night-time town crier now, or something?

Are you sure it wasn't a hip-hop gig? No, it was not. I don't think there's hip-hop in Darby. Maybe Northern Soul or something like that, didn't there? Well, what about Terence? Can we talk about how he went to Michael McIntyre's party? Oh, is that what it is? Can we just talk for a second about Terence Trent Derby? No.

What's his name now? Santander. Is it Santander? Oh, no, it's my mortgage company. Yes. I can't remember. No, I can't remember. He's changed his name now, hasn't he? What's your name?

How does it sign, your name? I don't know, but this is an interesting radio. You just... I want you to be my baby. Anyway. All right, Wayne's World, can we get on with the show? I wonder if his new name has got two British place names in it. Trent and Darby.

Is it a Trent? He should just call himself Trent Darby now. That's a good name. Because that's like Man of the People, isn't it? But the mistake he meant is that Stoke on Trent and then Stoke is the big rival of Darby. Oh yeah. So he actually brought

together two conflicting worlds and that's never going to work. I think he's called Villa Lester now. I see. Or Lester Villa. Oh. That must be it. We can work on it. So, yes, we went to a party. I'll tell you what was weird.

What was any party? From a show point of view, it's weird, because last week, you were in absentia. Oh, yeah. We talked about poor Kay Burley. Oh, yeah. Sky News presenter, who went to Chiltern Firehouse, this super cool place,

which I was saying I'd never been to, and bought a bottle of wine for 130 quid and then had to drink at the table. So the party was at Chiltern Firehouse. So this was, it was actually, it's like I was doing late research on the show. And obviously I was a bit wary of the staff because I thought the way they treated poor Kay Burley.

Did you have a chance to pick their brains about said story? I didn't, but I was on the front foot from when I arrived. Put it this way, it's the only place you go to where the staff are more expensively dressed than anyone else in there. Wow. Well, the women are dressed like 1960s sci-fi babes in these sort of sky blue sounds like a great party for you to go to it was it was it was all right but to be fair to them i don't i don't think my elderflower press i ever ran dry

that is good or every time i turn there's somebody topping it up well that's because you established yourself at the beginning we got there there very early, weren't we, Frank? We were the first ones to arrive. We were literally first in. Embarrassing. It really was. And they said, would you like a canapé? Frank never said no after that.

I've never seen anyone. You went insane in the membrane. I was the only bloke in the room of, like, circling canapés. Brilliant. I mean, one came, and they were all fantastic. They were all, like, in the top end. There was one, actually, I wasn't sure about, but most of them were great.

The bacon bread you loved, Frank. Oh, bacon bread. You were shoveling that down. Texture like wine. Yeah, it was, that was lovely. Absolutely lovely. I can still taste them now. You had enough.

I probably should have brushed my teeth. Your teeth look nice and white at the party. I felt you fitted in more than you would have if you... prior to the procedure. But do they still have... I haven't been to a discotheque or similar for a long time. Do they still have those lights that show your lint up in your teeth? Oh, right, yeah.

I think they might have those. Oh, right, yeah. I think they might have those in some establishments, yeah. And here's another do they still have question. You do ask this a lot. I do, because I'm out of touch. But am I right in saying Chiltern Firehouse was actually a fire station? Yes, it was originally. Do they still have poles in fire stations i mean your modern fire station i believe they do yeah well let's get some nice firemen to text in do you remember

when i asked once if if they still had those blankets that they held that people could leap out of the trampoline and some guys said we never had those that's an american phenomenon got quite um he got quite stroppy with me which you don't want from a fireman. Yeah. So, yeah, it was... It's not like a fireman to throw cold water on a bit of fun, is it? Exactly. They probably don't have ladders, we'll find, and they've got jetpacks.

Do you remember that man offered me a jetpack ride? What man? I talked on here about how I've always been obsessed with jetpacks since Roger Moore had one. Yes. Was it Roger Moore? Or was it Sean Connery? I think that was Roger Moore.

Oh, Sean Connery's too old? I don't know. I've lost confidence. No, it was Moore. Someone will let us know. And I've always wanted to have a go. And then a bloke wrote to me. I think it was a peep in Tom Potential that lured me in to it.

But a bloke wrote to me and said, well, I'd do them come and have a go. But I didn't have the bottle. No. Didn't it? Wasn't it that it was a water-based jet pack? I'm more frightened of landing on water than concrete. I don't think your management would have let you go on the jetpack.

They wouldn't let you and David Baddiel go in the hot air balloon at the height of your fame. Well, I'll give you one phrase. What? Key man insurance. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, this news just in.

Morning, Frank. This is from 854. Morning Frank and the team, it was Sean Connery with the jetpack. Yeah, thank you. You see, I faltered. I had a sudden Connery flash go across. At the start of Thunderball, it lasts about 20 seconds of flight time. That's Jason from London. And he strikes like thunderbolt.

OK, here we go. All of the percussion was provided by Frank Skinner there. It wasn't that he's got... Fingers and thumbs. Here we go, the William Tell Overture. Are you going on Britain's Got Talent or something? They did have all the judges there at this party the other night. Did they? Yeah.

It was like being at judges' houses. Who else was in attendance? Well, there was a lot of... Who was that blonde woman that was there? That was Amanda Holden. Is she in Witness Protection? That was Amanda Holden. I never recognised her. Yeah. It was her. Errr. Something's different about her, what is

it? Don't, don't make me go there. Okay. Um, we had a lovely time. The most exciting thing was that there was a performance. Oh yes. Someone did a gig? Yeah. No. I didn't know it was going to happen, and I was very excited. Did you not know? No.

See, I'd been told. I'd slightly spoiled it. Well, I didn't spoil it. It was still very exciting. That's like when your manager turned around to us and says, oh, you haven't won. I know. And we get when we used to be up for awards.

I did when that happened. Yes. Go on. It was Boy George. Oh, wow. used to be up for awards yes um go on it was boy george oh wow yes all in his finery as well you know you know he dressed like he was dressed like he was doing by george on stars in their eyes because he was obviously he had a hat big green hat guess what he had a big colorful hat on no we saw that Yeah. But there was a little fire crackling, and it felt like he was in our front room. Because he wasn't on a stage, he was just like standing in a room.

Passing the mic round. Certain level. Alan Carr wouldn't get off that mic. Um, yeah. Who was that mic? I'd never met him. But, um, yeah, it was, um, there was something, it was like being at a party and Boy George was singing. That's nice. What about when he sung I'm a Man Without Conviction and Jimmy Carlson said I don't think that's true. Oh, wow.

Yeah, at least he took the rap. Oh. Yeah. Um, no, it was exciting seeing Boy George, by George at the same floor level. Yeah. Just a guitar and piano. He was great. He did Imagine.

That's my only thing. Why didn't you like that he did Imagine? Well, Imagine is arguably the worst song ever written, in my opinion. I've always hated it. I hated it by John Lennon. People are going to be emailing in. Well, no, we're all different.

Music is a subjective thing. There'll be songs I love, many songs I love, that you'll hate. I'll probably play you some today. People do email about that occasionally. So, yeah, that is just... Yeah, people generally hate my selections. I wouldn't say generally, but on occasion. And I like to think I have a broad musical taste.

But I imagine there's always a song that's just got a bit of a... It's got that sort of, oh, right. Yes. I imagine it's like... I tell you what I always imagine it's like, is that I'm knocking a stake into Dracula's chest. And as I walk away, I realise I've knocked it through the hem of my own hovercoat. So as I walk away, it's like he's pulling me back.

And that's how I feel when I listen to Imagine. Well, I enjoyed it. No, well, I'm not saying he... He's done all the great ones, Al. Did he? Church of the Poisoned Mind. Good. No, I was just making a comment on your morality.

Oh, dear. He did... Do you really want to hurt Al? He did Victims. It was fabulous. Yeah, we liked it. And also, I like going to posh clubs with Emily, because I sort of feel that she'll look after me there.

I don't feel out of my... It's like Emily fits in anywhere, and that's always good. She's like a European plug adapter. You know those things yeah so you can but i can be at a place like that where i do get a little bit intimidated and i know emily will soon hit up a a friendship with one of the staff and we'll be going out the secret but anti-paparazzi door and all sorts of the anti-pap door, didn't I? Yeah, there's only about 20 of them out there. By the anti-pap door. We weren't trying to avoid the paparazzi, can I say.

Oh, I was thrilled when I saw them. It's just that that's what my Uber bloke, he said that's where he was. Well, I had a conversation with your Uber bloke about you after we dropped you off. Oh, did you? Yes. What did he say? He was very excited.

Was he? He didn't let on that he even knew who I was. Well, that's what he said. He said, that's Frank Skinner. I said, yes, I know, yeah. He said, I'm a big fan of his. That's good, isn't it? He said, I know everything he's done. I tell you what.

Oh, no. He started telling me everything you did. Thank God I gave him five stars. He said, he does that show, Have I Got a Little Bit More News for You. Uh-huh. Well, that's wrong. Yeah.

Okay. His big one at the moment... Is the Graham Norton show. Is Room 101. That's the big one. Oh, you got that right. Yeah. It's lovely.

When will Boy George ever become man, George? Will that happen? That's not going to happen. No. I wish that would. Wouldn't that be a great sort of reboot? Reinvention if he came as Man George. It would be an admission that he's getting old

inside, wouldn't he? Oh, I tell you what, Al. He'll be young forever. I tell you what we need to discuss. Frank's calf. Well, I was a bit embarrassed. Frank's cash? No, Frank's calf. Let's not discuss. Which embarrassed me in front of Rob Brydon a bit. Oh, okay.

Because Kathy has decided she suddenly likes Gavin and Stacey. It was a classic late review. She actually went up to Rob Brydon and said, can I just say I love Gavin and Stacey? She started watching it this week. I said, late review. He said, I'll take what I can get, love. Exactly.

I've heard that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about Rob Brydon's 16-point font? I know that was... He has what? He has a very big font on his texts yeah it's unbelievable i mean i've never seen anything like it he has a message that says something like car outside you have to scroll down

three times to read yeah the letters were so big yeah and then he mocked me for having oh oh that was actually al's spine that sound it's all right now It's just a bit of chiropractory work that I get done during the show. That was Alan's armrest. I should really do it during long songs, but... Oh, the release. Life's a long song. But the tune ends too soon for a song. You're singing a lot of singing this morning, though.

It's because I shouldn't be, I think. I don't think life is a long song. What is it you are doing with jess yeah yeah yeah i am a bit okay well i don't think you should do that well i quite liked his font though i mean he was you we were laughing at him and he then said well you should adopt this frank we he was suggesting we were struggling to see our text messages is it short of sight is that what this is all about is he doing it like the rest of us he's not that old is he he's not as old as me i think no who is no no 8 12 15. that's all right by the time the people older than me have texted in the show will be over

By the time the people older than me have texted in, the show will be over. What they did, though, they took our gifts off us when we arrived. Now, because that's the classy thing to do, isn't it? Yeah, then put them away. You're not meant to open presents on the night. That's a bit déclassé. You're meant to give the gifts and then the host opens them.

That must have been brilliant after the party was off when they took all those presents out. Upstairs, with all that wrapping paper. Um, but I don't like it because I like to see the reaction. And what if my gift has got confused with Boy George's? That's going to end in tears. He probably didn't.

Do you think he got one? Do you think he... Do you think he brought one? Yeah, I don't think he would have brought one. Definitely not. He'd have just said, keep that out the, uh, fee. 1.98 for a card yeah i uh i don't like to be there when people open presents personally why because you know when you buy someone a present you've maybe got a one in five chance of getting it right. And I don't want... I get tense for people when they have to act for me

to look like they're really pleased. But when you get that one in five, when you get someone one they really want, that's a great feeling. Because you know what? I've always thought this is better to give than to receive. What do you think? I don't agree.

Samantha Maratrea Bless you Was that your holidays booked? No, that's Terence Lent Darby's real name That's Terence Lent Darby Well Yeah Sign my

When he signs his name across my heart My heart needs to be quite fully expanded Yeah Unless he writes in a sob, Brydon font. Well, the thing is, he used to do that, signing people's names on bits of rice so he can do it.

Did he do that? Yeah, yeah, he's got the skills. Yeah, he worked on, like, several holiday resorts and now he just does it on hearts. It's easier. Loads easier, he says. Remember those places you go to

where you sort of stamp a coin? Have you ever seen that? There's like a coin stamping machine. Oh, that sounds good. You can make your own money. That sounds great. Where is this place? I remember you could do it at the Empire State Building.

It's not the thing I'm talking about. No, I don't. You sort of pull an arm down and it sort of stamps a coin. Maybe someone can explain it, one of our lists. I can't remember what the angle is on it now. But you can get your own unique coin. Oh, okay. I think. Is this how Bitcoin started?

Shut up about it. Going on about it. Listen to this. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. and Cochrane. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Got some fire station news in for you, Frank. Excellent.

Frank, I work as a fireman. Not me, I'm reading a text. No, no, I knew that. Frank, I work as a fireman at Chichester Fire Station and yes, we still use a pole when we get fire calls. I believe most of the bigger stations still have poles. Hope that answered your question. Thanks, Rob in Chichester.

Thank you. How do they clean the pole? Do they put a bit of metal polish on a rag and then slide down with that? I don't know. Because if it gets, once it starts picking up the sweat from your hands and stuff, it's not going to be so slidey. Maybe it counterbalances by the fact that sometimes the alarm goes whilst they're eating a burger, so they've got slippy hands anyway.

And then if, like, twelve of them go down... What about when I got a lift from those firemen in the fire engine? Firemen's lift? No, they gave me a lift. I told you that story. Not that sort of lift. They let me go in the fire engine. And then they said, can we have your number?

And I said, no, I'm sorry. And he said, oh, well, you know ours, love. I thought it was a rather good line. Yeah, it's a good one. I mean, it would be a problem, though, if people started using that number for dating. I know, yeah. It's quite a high-risk strategy that they're going with there.

But, hey, who am I to tell them what to do with that? Hello, 999. Hello, I met these three firemen. Lovely. Lovely, 999. Hello, I met these three firemen. Lovely. Lovely guys they were. I went to... Sorry, is there more from the outside world? There is, actually, yeah.

People said that you were behind the times, but apparently the... It was actually the Independent. Apparently the firemen in Dubaiai are using jet packs to get to the top floors of skyscrapers are they that's that's what i've heard that's amazing that's the first thing i've ever heard about dubai that made me think i wanted to go there me too and i've been yeah yeah i've never been does it not appeal to hebden Hebden up there? Yes, I think so. That's the one other thing. You'd like to go and

spend time with Peter Hebden? I think it was Peter Hebden I had interviewed once, Favourite Food Steak, and they said who's your best friend in Snooker? And he said, I've got a wife and kids. I don't need friends.

I thought, well, that's interesting. Imagine that. Congratulations, Mr. Hebden, you've got a lovely daughter. Oh, fantastic. I don't need friends anymore. It's going to make life a lot easier. Hang on, I'm just going to the phone. Delete all.

Yeah. Hold on. Is there going to be, and I can put this address book in. I love the idea of not needing friends. It's good, isn't it? Once you're growing your own friends, it's a bit like the good life of Peter Ebdon. Just grow his own friends at home.

His own friend, yeah. I like the fact we're now doing jokes about a quote from Peter Ebdon from perhaps eight years ago or something. Late review. Behind the times. Well, I like all things Ebdonian. I think he lives in Dubai, though. Although I live in Dubai. Now, didn't Jim Davidson live in Dubai?

I think he did for a bit. What about if he had a shot and even the long rest was a bit of a stretch and he got the old jetpack on, hovering over the snooker table at the Dubai Open? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I never thought I'd say this on a commercial breakfast radio show, but we have some news in about, er, Ebdon.

Peter? Yeah, we were talking about Peter Ebdon, weren't we? And Dave Clark, I don't know if this is true... Not Dave Clark of the Dave Clark Five. No. No, it's, um, that's the new name for Terence Trendarby, is Dave Clark, I don't know if this is true. Not Dave Clark of the Dave Clark Five. No. No, that's the new name for Terence Trent Darby is Dave Clark. It's just gone really normal. Oh, OK. Says the Ebdon marriage ended, sadly, and he moved back to the UK.

He remarried, so still no need for friends, though. Oh, thank goodness for that. There must have been a period there where he found a few mates, though. Do you think? There There must have been a period there where he found a few mates up. Do you think? There might well have been. We've also had news in... I'm sad to hear that. Don't get us wrong. I'm sad to hear that the original marriage

ended. Yeah. So is he still in Dubai? No, I think he's back in the UK. Is he living with Terence Trent Dubai? Well, he claims he's moved to Dubai. So he's moved to... Sorry, he claims what? Well, he's claimed he's moved to Hungary,

but I'm sure that can't be right. Is that some sort of joke that we're missing? There'll be some joke, yeah. No, I think that could be true. I'd believe anything of Hebdo. Hungary, is that... Wow, he really is trying to avoid his friends. OK. hungry is that wow he really is trying to avoid his friends okay um we've also had news from ian angel angle regular texter and uh an often punner and i think this may be the first text that he's ever sent that has no no joke in it be careful there might be one you haven't spotted yet i'm

not i've looked and you know i've got a mind that sometimes looks at jokes. Yes, they're in America, he says. Basically, you put in a real coin. We're talking about, I was talking about coins. It'll become revealed, yeah, you put in a real coin, it then gets distorted into a totally new coin, which you then cannot spend. That's for me an angel. It doesn't sound like a great angle, does it?

There's no joke. If you'll pardon the pun. Yeah, yeah. Someone said, I sound like a great angle, does it? If you'll pardon the pun. Someone said, I've got a great idea. What about a machine that turns coins that you can spend into coins you can't spend? I'll buy it. I'll have 10,000 of them in my outlets across the US.

I really hurt my throat. I like this new character. I hurt my throat, but I think it was worth it. Maybe bring it back next week when you're yeah exactly I had a picture of him in my mind

he had one of those you know those sort of sun shades those black sun shades oh yeah with the visors on the glasses yeah

a bit like is it like do the dogs wear them in the dog the dog snooker or the dog pool well let's ask Peter Edgerton yeah I'm not sure they do or they don't you in the dog the dog snooker or the dog let's ask peter edgar yeah i'm not sure they do or they don't you know the dog paul picture yeah yeah yeah i'm not sure if

peter edgar will be looking at the dog pool picture a lot i wonder if being a proper snooker player he thinks that's like slightly derogatory like a novelty version well he married a hungarian is what happened oh did he marry a hungarian yeah. Oh, no. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, that changes everything. Does it? How? Oh, no, sorry, it's love that changes everything. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And as regards your sore throat, Ollie from Salford has texted, saltwater or peppermint is good for a sore throat, Frank. I'm no doctor, but it works for me. I like the caveat. Yeah? I'm no doctor. I wonder what he is. Can I ask a question?

What is peppermint? It's a... What do you mean? It's a plant, isn't it? Is it a plant? It's called peppermint. Are you thinking it's mint with pepper on it? Oh, I thought it was mint. No, one gets, one buys peppermint flavoured things, but at core, is it a sort of herb thing? I believe so, yeah.

I thought it was mint, extract of mint, maybe. I've never seen it. I don't know, but my horses love it. They love peppermint? Yeah. Aren't many of them called peppermint horses? No, not at my stables. No, okay.

And do you feed them off the palm of your hand? Yes, I do. With the thumb? Yes. Keep the thumb low, for God's sake. They'll take a thumb. Will they take a thumb? They'll take a thumb and not think anything of it.

Oh, dear. Yeah, and they'll bite one off. Oh, dear. So where did you go this week, then? You said you went somewhere else. Yes, I went to Sunset went to uh sunset boulevard the musical oh you familiar with that of course i am it's the story of norma desmond who is a sort of a uh she has been a big star silent movie star yeah but she now lives in an enormous home you

know dwelling on former glories no it was a bit... People kept looking at me. It's a little bit awkward, but I got through it. And so for me, it was a mix of fact and fantasy. Yeah. Which is very apt, because I sat between fact and fantasy. On one side of me was newsreader Martin Lewis, and on the other was Arlene Phillips. Oh.

I mean, how lovely to have one of those, you know, my right and left hand. Yeah. So to speak. And it was Glenn Close. It was very Glenn Close that night. They had to open the window. It was Glenn Close, yeah.

It's a fabulously melodramatic... Yeah, she was in it. Oh, wow. Yeah, but I got worried about that because they call it semi-staged and I have an issue with semi-staged. What does semi-staged mean? I've never heard such a term. Semi-staged means the set's a bit expensive, loves.

Yeah, there was no set to speak of. No, no. So it was basically the orchestra and the acting. I thought it worked beautifully, The Guardian. Oh, so you do your own... Like radio plays, you imagine your own scenery kind of thing. Yeah, I'm fine with that, I can imagine. You hate imagine, but you can imagine.

Yes, it's a weird, strange contradiction in my personality. But do you know, I don't want friends because I now have my own family. The pressure on that family though. Oh god. Can you imagine? And what happens if they fall out? He's friendless again.

And what happens when they're like six and he's like, I fancy going to the pub for some beers and crisps and they're like, oh not again dad, can't you go with your friends? Nope, I've ditched them all for you guys. You're my friends. Yeah. In a very intense way. I don't think you just- I'm giggy.

How's he doing in the world? Is he doing well in Stuka now? Does he look at me as if I'm meant to know about Peter Edgerton? You brought him up. Well, he's married to Nora. You live in Manchester. He's married to Nora the Hungarian. Nora the Hungarian.

Yeah. Every time you mention her, we get a bit more information. Glad she stopped exploring. Nora the Hungarian sounds like someone in WWF wrestling. Yeah. I think he had some... In the blue corner, Nora the Hungarian. Nora, Nora, Nora, Nora.

Do you think he ever calls her our Nora? I hope so. I do too. So, yeah, so it was... And do you know what happened? I met John Sargent. Oh, yeah. Oh, how's he?

Very nice, actually. He could have been in fact, couldn't he? If you're having fact and fiction on one side and the other. Yeah, yeah. Fact and fantasy, rather. But he was... We started talking about Donald Trump, and I did...

You know that Donald Trump joke I did the other week about if he was president and Boris was prime minister, we'd start seeing Kim Jong-un as a safe pair of hands. Yes. I did that joke. Oh, yeah. Showing off. Yeah. Yes.

And, um... That's all right. You get excited. When you've got a good joke, you get so excited, Frank. And, you know, his wife said to me, um, oh, I'll use that. She didn't. She did. I'm having that. And I said, I hope you'll credit me. She said, no, no, I won said to me, oh, I'll use that. She didn't. She did. I'm having that.

And I said, I hope you'll credit me. She said, no, no, I won't. I'll say it to my wife. Right to your face. She said, no, I won't. And John, very professionally, said, no, no, she will credit you. It's a very awful moment. It's a very awful moment.

A sergeant incident. I was debating with old Marr Sargent whether she gave me a credit or not. Do you know what? She's no Nora Ebden. They were going to say they were very nice but obviously that was like a knife in my heart. Radio across the UK on digital radio

mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. I mean, please. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio,

if that's all right with you. And email the show via the Absolute on the radio if that's alright with you and email the show via the Absolute Radio website if you have a mind to as they say in the black country people have had a mind to you were talking about John Sargent's wife Mrs Sargent before the

can I say she was very nice apart from claiming my gag yeah she said I'm having that which is a thing that plagues you, isn't it? It is. Oh, that is Frank's worst thing. And we've had a text in from 765. Lil has said, Mrs. Sargent was my French and Latin teacher at school. She always had fabulous jokes. Now I know why.

She's got form. She's got form. Yeah, form yeah fabulous yes i take my wife please girlfriend's a repeat offender marvelous i could that she did french and latin though that's impressive yeah obviously a very bright woman i think if she's doing my um my kim jong-un joke in latin i I excuse her. That's the thing with you, there's always a caveat, isn't there? Well, no, actually this is just a loose scarf

I'm wearing for my throat. It looks like a caveat from where you're sitting. I think caveat is Latin, I was just trying to throw a bit in. No, it's very good. Sound clever. Did you do Latin? No. No, I didn't think so. Oh. Clever.

Did you do Latin? No. No, I didn't think so. Oh. Awkward. Shall we... Talk. Talk about something from the news, like what we do at the top of the hour on a regular basis?

Yes. Oh, yeah, I've got something I want to talk about, actually. And? Will I am? Yeah. Because I'm rather fond of him. Yeah, he is. I like him because he seems quite a gentle soul.

I like him. First rapper I ever saw in a cardigan. They always go on about cars and how much money is swilling around, but I like him because he's a bit more kind of Disney. He's quite cute, isn't he? I think he seems friendly.

He's not aggressive. He's not. And do you know, and I didn't know this until quite recently, he's got a brother, get this, who lives in Yorkshire. No. He hasn't? Yeah. Amazing. He hasn't? He's called Will I Eccles like? I made that up.

I made that up. But if you're listening, Mrs. Sargent, no, you can't. I think you're safe on that one, Frank. Well, I liked it. Thank you. Yeah, well, that's local material. It could be, yeah. You having it?

No. So he lives in the future. Well, I am. What? He literally, literally, his house is called The Future. Isn't it his office block? His office block, I'm sorry. I'm calling it his HQ.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not his HQ. See, that's complicated. Not his HQ. It's his HQ. That's complicated, isn't it? If he lives in the future and his name is present tense. Oh. Oh, yeah. He should be Will present tense. Oh.

Oh, yeah. He should be Will I'll Be. He's all at sixes and sevens, isn't he? Oh, Will. Will I? So someone went to interview him. The reason he was in the news is that someone from the Telegraph went to interview him

and before, as they arrived, they were handed a list of stipulations of caveats, Frank. Three pages. Three pages of A4, wasn't it? Three pages of caveats. Saying how to go about your interview. Honestly, I couldn't eat another thing. You're still full from Chiltern Firehouse.

I wish you'd said that at least once the other night. I've never seen anything like it. Right. They couldn't believe it, the people. Well, I don't go to many posh parties anymore, so I... Yeah, but Frank, when the chicken came round, four times you had that? That was particularly nice, the chicken. Sounds good.

You were the only person eating. So, yeah, they got this sheet of paper with these caveats, and some of them are quite extraordinary. It's essentially a how-to for interviewing Will.i.am. Mm-hm. So, Alan, perhaps you could share some of the instructions. Well, I like start off with one to two warm-up questions and then get to the heart of what you really want to ask.

I mean, I think that's how conversations go often, isn't it? I like to go straight in. Do you? What about when I did that Guardian interview and the first question was, why do you hate women? Wow. It's quite... Yeah. I I said how long you got? I didn't.

Can I say I did not say that? Yeah, I mean, maybe she just couldn't decide what one or two warm-up questions to go with. That was one of the warm-up questions. It got quite intense. Are you sure that was her and not Kath? I think, yeah, maybe that was Kath looking back.

No, I think that that's a different method, is the sort of hand grenade at the beginning. Well, those are the two styles, aren't they? Yeah. You either, I would rather save it all up to the end. I think if you started with The Will I Am and said, why do you hate women? You'd be out of there.

I don't think you should go. You'd be out of the future. I don't think you should go. You'd be out of the future. I don't think you would. The future would be a no-go area. They'd kill you, in other words. Well, it says, they do say at the top of this list of questions, the future is for you alone. That's all gone a bit Peter Abdon.

So, are they now referring to him as the future? No, they're saying, well, you're in this environment, so the environment is the future. The future is for you alone, which means you can't bring friends or relatives. That's fair enough, isn't it? Who's going to turn up with friends and relatives to an interview? I've got my night of von Trapp family outside.

No journalist will do that. What if Peter Edmund's interviewing him? Who's he going to bring? He would be ideal. Nora. I brought Nora. Oh. Nora. Just Nora. I brought Nora. Oh, Nora.

It'll be all right. I don't know where he's from, but you can imagine. Leicester, I think. No, no, that's the other one. He's from Islington. Is he? Do you like that I have all these facts on me about him? Ebden's from Islington?

Yes. I never knew that. Wow. Do you think when he phones the doctor, Will I am? He just says, Ill I am.i.am, he just says, Ill.i.am? Mrs Sargent, hands off.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're in the future with Will.i.am. That's capital T, capital F, by the way, for anybody confused. It's not PH. We're not in the future. Yes. I mean, it's the future.

I think it's capital W, capital T, capital F. Anyway. I like it when Frank gets down with the old young people's lingo. He's got a bit urban dictionary, Frank. Something, yeah, I've got it right here. I tell you what, that's something else I imagine about Will.i.am.

I bet he smells lovely. Do you reckon? Oh. Why do you think that then? Just look at him, I can smell sort of lemongrass. You know,

that sort of fresh, very fresh. You know when the body shop first come out and everyone was talking about how nice it smelled in there. Everyone was sort of... You could walk past the shop and think,

oh, lovely. Yeah, yeah. I imagine he's... Not that sick, not that cloying thing. Not lush soap smell, which is a bit... I don't want bacon and egg in a soap. I bet he smells great. I really...

He's got that look about him. Mm-hmm. Well, anyway, nevertheless, he can be a bit tricky, it seems. Although it's not him, it turns out. It's his sort of PR people, isn't it? Often the way. He claims to know nothing about

this, but shall we continue with some of the stipulations? Oh, yeah. Go on, fire us another one. What's your favourite? You can't, it said personal background. Please don't, it said personal background. Please don't, it's like he doesn't need to know about you, essentially. He does not, do not feel you need to fill him in with any of your personal information.

I think that's fair enough, isn't it? I can't really think of that being an interview where anyone's told me much about their life. Well, that's because I haven't interviewed you. That's all I talk about is myself. He also doesn't like being called a rapper, which you called him earlier. Did I?

I don't think he approves of that. I think he's got some other phrase for it. I can't remember what it was. What does he call it? I can't remember. Talking with Gosto? Yeah. He also said, which I found extraordinary,

say hello, sit down and get started. Good rules for life, though, and some people need reminded of them. You can't tell people to say hello. They're not imbeciles. No. Well, I mean, he knows to say hello. You know what that might be?

He might just be really fed up of people walking into the future, standing up and going, What's up? And he might go, Say hello, sit down and get started. And he's just fed up of articulating it. You can't walk into the future and say that.

Well, he did a song called... You walk into my house, which is known as the past. What if I call my house the past? That was his song. There you go. See? What was his song called? He did Let's Get It Started.

You won't know any of these Black Eyed Peas ones. I don't think of him as a man with songs he's got melody in there he had uh what were they called days shut up i believe one was called shut up what was it called daisy i bet my humps i bet there was i bet he has an excess of feets on his songs i bet they always got two feets i bet they always... He's just got two feats. I bet they always feed someone. Oh, right. I think he had a feat, Britney Spears, didn't he? Might have.

Did he have a feat, Britney Spears? Even Daisy doesn't know. Our urban correspondent. I'm sure he had a feat, Britney Spears. You should get paid extra for that. For what? For you being the urban correspondent. I know.

Don't start negotiations this early. Yes, I remember the statistic now. I think he's been a feat on sort of 36 or something like that. Will.i.am. Other songs. Oh, wow. And then Will.i.am's had about 40 people feating on him. I'll tell you my favourite thing about Will.i.am.

He loves a cropped military jacket. Yep. He does like that. He does. It's a Bolero military, I'm going frank. It's like a Quality Street soldier, as you often point out. Is that Jacksonian, though? Is that the Jacksonian influence?

It's a bit more playful than that, I think. Well, he's playful. His whole nature is playful. And the hat. Let's not even get started on the hat. I don't think of him in a hat, you see. Tiny teeth, though, hasn't he? I wonder if he'd like adult-sized teeth.

Hasn't he got tiny teeth like the Queen Mardre? Tiny. The Queen Mardre had those tiny wooden teeth that she had. They weren't actually wooden, in fairness. They were actually wooden. They weren't wooden. When she was young, that was how they replaced teeth. I mean, they were oak.

White oak. But even so, yeah, she managed with them for years. Of course, the reason she lived so long, the amount of people that said this to me, the reason she lived so long, she grew up in all them drafty castles. Is that right? Toffing you up.

Nice. Oh, yeah. We had ice on the inside of the windows, that's all I'm saying. Absolute absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio listen to this gossip Frank oh ok

well I say gossip it's not really 3am but my friend Connie Hark who you may be familiar with she said Mrs Sargent was her form teacher wow oh my Sargent's her form teacher. Wow. Oh, my Sargent's getting everywhere. I think we can chart her life through the course of this show.

We know that she taught Latin and French. She's a joke magpie. When we said that she's a joke thief and she's got form. I never said thief. You did. We said she's got form and now it turns out she was a form teacher. No, you did call her a joke thief and now you've realised she's got form. I never said thief. You did. We said she's got form and now it turns out she was a form teacher. No, you did call her a joke

thief and now you realise she's quite well connected. You're retracting your earlier statement. I didn't know about the hot connection. Changes everything. Oi, oi, oi. So this Will.i.am thing, his people gave out

three pages of how to interview Will.i.am thing, his people gave out three pages of how to interview Will.i.am instruction. And I'll be honest, I don't think it worked. Because in the actual article, at one point, the journalist writes he's 41 years old. And in the box, it says Will.i.am's 40 and he's got these business... So it's not worked. It's not good journalism. There's no record of them the uh saying hello no in the interview sounds like they've just gone straight into it yeah you're right um to be fair to will

i am um for those enthusiasts of those who are listening that um he actually in the interview comes over as a much nicer bloke than one might imagine from the seems lovely how to interview notes yeah it comes across maybe that's true of you frank do you think well maybe do you think sometimes maybe people um you're get scared of you and then they realize you're very nice when they interview hence do you hate women well because because i'm a bit of a git, don't you think? No, I think if they dig a bit, they'll find I am truly a git at core. Someone has emailed us specifically about that interview. Oh, yes. 033.

Frank, you've mentioned that Guardian interview. Already I like it. It's a bit judgy. A few times over the years, but have never gone on to disclose what you said in reply. What was your answer when asked why you hate women and what prompted the journo to ask this bizarre question in the first place um well it's a big ad i mean basically i think what i said was something like

this is an impossible question to answer because if i find myself saying some of my best friends are women then i might have to um although that take my own life. Although that is true. I know, but if you say stuff like that, that's like, oh, now I know I've got a Mexican mate at work. It's, you know what I mean? So, you can't, you can't really answer. I think she was, because I was seen as a laddish comedian. Mm-hmm. Mm. This was, uh, it was a extrapolation of that. Legend! Come on, legend! Yeah, yeah. Because of all that.

All that. Football. Dirty jokes. That stuff, yeah. I can't think of any area of society that I truly hate. That's nice. Maybe the serial killer. I would say.

Maybe. You know, often they've had a brutal childhood. I'm not fond of them. I would say you're very pro-women. Thank you so much. But do you get asked other questions that you don't like? Men I hate. Sorry? Do you get asked other questions in interviews

that you would like to put on a list and say, don't ask me this? I mean, I haven't done as many interviews as you, but I get asked, how do you come up with your new stand-up show? I mean, how do you come up with your material? How do you come up with your new stand-up show? And I always want to go...

Is that what they say? Well, have a guess. I bet your guess is what happens. I bet you would guess or you think of funny stuff and then you write it down and then you go and try it in comedy clubs and then you take it on tour. And that's pretty much what happens, isn't it? I mean, that's really... Well, I always say that it

comes to me in a blinding vision. That's crazy. You see when I'm on horseback. There's a blinding vision. That's great. You see when I'm on horseback, there's a blinding light. I find myself on the back with 40 minutes to stand up just there. Wow. Two horse rides and you're ready. Two horse rides and you've done the interval.

Yes. Are we talking about quicksand? No. No. Does someone think this is Danny Wallace's show? Danny Baker, I think. Oh, is it? It's Saturday morning.

How awkward. Someone's texted us. The wrong show. Yeah. So they've texted us by mistake. Hi, Danny. Re-Quicksand, et cetera, et cetera. It's not Danny.

Well, let's hear it. It's Frank. Let's hear it. But we're not even discussing it. But we can discuss it. Do you still want to hear it? Hi, Danny. Re-Quicksand.

It's closer than you think. There's lots of it in Swansea Bay. There's lots of it in Swansea Bay. There's lots of it in Swansea Bay. Sorry, Al. Oh, yeah. People disappear. Do they? Yeah. That's from Andrew. Thanks for the sentiment. Wrong show, but lovely sentiment. And here was I thinking that Mrs Sergeant Peter Eddon

was fairly pedestrian material. They've got quicksand on Danny Baker's show. We do a sort of verbal quicksand as a speciality. Anyway, he comes over and says no ego, they said. I can't believe that. Well, I am. Yeah, not no ego.

Brill I am. That's what he said when they walked in. That's it, I've got it out of my system. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 On Absolute Radio 354 has got in on a joke I think, unless it's a weird coincidence

And another mistake But we've just had a text in saying Hey Danny, now you've got Frank Skinner talking about quicksand That's good isn't it? They've got in on it Yeah, but he might have sent it to danny as well maybe danny's now start talking about peter hampton i mean in a way it would be good to send it to danny because once you've typed it you can just copy it all can't you and just you know paste it into another text box i don't do any of that you don't do that i have a personal assistant wow oh it's good we're

all different isn't it it is anyway none of the people um have you guys uh have you guys watched neighbors in the last say 20 years have you i had a slight um celebrity crush on um l yeah i used to watch it then and i think that's in the last 20 years that's going back a bit though isn't it apparently it was that 90s yeah she was the daughter of the bad guy what's the bad guy paul robinson yeah who i think might not be bad anymore that's that's what i got from this yeah what it was he loved a blues on leather jacket. He did back in the day. I really liked Nicole Kidman. And then this woman just looked like a younger version of Nicole Kidman. Ah, right, yeah.

So it was like when you get the upgrade on your iPhone. You know, your update thing. Yeah. That's a nice thing to say. It is nice. Well, anyway, it's in the news because they've blown up Lasseter's, the famous... They've done what? They've blown up Lasseter's Hotel in a...

I'm going to call it a desperate bid for viewers to return. I don't think you should call it that. No, but apparently... How can we blow up? Apparently it's quite an open desperate bid because they did it before and it put like 100,000 viewers a night on, and now they've gone... It's been going for 20 years now, Lasseter's.

Oh, God, your throat's knocking around, Frank. Emily's getting it now. I caught it. Get her on the peppermint. It was bought by the Daniels Corporation. Was it? Yeah. You know Helen Daniels?

I remember Helen Daniels. If I close my eyes, I can still see her throat. Do you remember she set up a chauffeur service called Home James? She'd pick up the phone and go, hello, Home James. She did. She had a very sinuous throat. No, she did. It was like a William Blake painting.

I think there was a painting of her in the background of one of the literary... By William Blake? No, I don't think by William Blake. What I love about the Daniels Corporation was that they used to talk about offices in New York and they'd say, Paul Robinson's going over to New York. You never saw

him going to New York, funnily enough. He'd just disappear and be there for a few weeks. Yeah, it's... High-flying businessman. It's unlikely that the business card would say, Erinsborough, New York. You know when you occasionally see shoddy businesses that you think, I'm not sure you've really got Luton, New York, Paris and Milan. Come

on. I'm sad about Lasseter's, Al. I loved Lasseter's. What's it, it was a, Erinsborough was a... It's a sort of anagram, isn't it? Of neighbours. Isn't it an anagram? Not palindrome. No, it's, yeah. We were talking about, I can't remember what it was that it was called.

It's like a nearly anagram, isn't it? I thought it was an anagram, because we spell it with a U, neighbours, but they don't. They spell it with a... Oh, right. I think it does work. Sometimes people would get a lifetime ban from Lasseter's.

That was the worst punishment. They'd go, you're banned for life from Lasseter's. Yeah. It's a... Very difficult. It's been blown up before But it's back I believe so yeah So they'll just rebuild it again presumably Yeah I think they've probably got set builders on it

You know I don't know if they're actually blowing it up Or if it's a special effect I'll tell you what never came back The Dagmar The Dagmar was burnt down I love the Dagmar. The Dagmar was burnt down. Do you remember?

What was the Dagmar? The Dagmar was a club in East Enders owned by Wilmot Brown. Wilmot Brown. Oh, yes, I do remember that now. He was meant to represent... Wilmot Brown. Texture like...

He was meant to represent yuppie culture moving into the East End. And so he therefore had the wine bar with the pink neon sign that said Dagmar. A lot of cane and plastic plants, Frank. Oh, yes, he certainly raised some cane. It was... I had a friend and we...

I think we must have... Every email we sent for the first two or three weeks I knew them had aedagmar reference. It was quite a big thing in our lives. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from 354 again, who you may remember, I said, texted a little joke,

hey Danny, now you've got Frank Skinner talking about quicksand. You know, when I said... That's good. I didn't think it was a coincidence. He said, if I know Frank is talking quicksand, I must be a Frank listener, dot, dot, dot, a little applied logic, guys. And then he's done a wink, you know, like...

A wink? You know, when people text a wink. An emoji? Has he done an emoji? I think it's a semicolon and a bracket, but it's the same difference, isn't it? It was the precursor to the emoji. It was.

There's no cursor. Can I just say as well, we were referring to firemen earlier, and we have been corrected, which I think is fair enough. It's firefighter. That's from 583. Because this lady won.

Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah, sure. We stand corrected. We do stand corrected. Meanwhile, just go back to where i am i just had a flashback do you know an american comic al um you may know him but i it's on like it's called billiam he was called billiam cornell or something no no it's the only billiam i've ever come across Someone told me it was his proper name

It wasn't a stage name Billiam Billiam, yeah It's great, isn't it? It's good That's a great name Never heard that before Is he funny though?

Oh no No, I don't remember to be fair I don't want to knock the bloke He might still be working Billiam Well, not after this You're sort of... I know all who will know.

Old Marse Sargent. She's always trawling the internet for spare gags from Billiam. She told me her name was Bill I Am. She said, I'm having that when she met Will I Am. So, yes. Yes, I tell you what. If any of our readers have favourite places from TV shows. Fictional places, I love that.

They had a place called Dallas. Now, I don't know if you're a Dallas fan. They had the Cattleman's Club. Oh, do I remember that now? Well, I'm sure you can imagine what it was like. And they had the Oil Barons Club. And it was which you preferred. Oil Barons Club.

And Cattleman's Club was where Punk, I believe, used to hang out. And then Oil Barons was more JR. And he'd always go in, and you know what he'd order? A steak and a bourbon. Of course. Why not? That's all I eat and drink. What about the Winchester Club in Mindy?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dave, how about this drink spill, Arthur? Yeah. Fantastic. My favourite, Frank, was I used to, when I grew up in Australia, yes, I grew up in Australia, and there was a soap called The Young Doctors,

which you may have seen over here. I do remember that, yeah. Do you remember Young Doctors? Oh, well, then you might be familiar with Bunnies, the hospital nightclub where people chain-smoked. I don't remember that, I must say. But I like the sound, I like the cut of it. Doctors would go, I've got to go, I've got an operation, and they'd be drunk. I loved say. I like the sound. I like the cut of it. Doctors would go, I've got to go. I've got an operation.

And they'd be drunk. I loved it. I love it when life imitates art. What about the Ponderosa? That was the ranch in Bonanza. And my dad built me a cabin at the top of the garden out of... That was the outside toilet, wasn't it? Out of council fence palings.

And he put a sign on it that said the Ponderosa. I was very, very happy with that. And, of course, the dad... They were called the Cartwright family who lived there. And the dad had perhaps the best actor name. He was called Lorne Green. Which I always liked very much. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some information in that you may be interested in Frank. I'm interested in all information. Oh yeah? Lauren Green was the captain in Battlestar. Lorne. Lorne. Oh, it's a typo. It's all gone a bit Descartes.

No, no, but it's autocorrect, isn't it? They've obviously tried to write Lorne. He was the captain in Battlestar Galactica. Yes, I remember that. There you go. He was quite a big star. Yes, good cross-reference. They had a son.

Dan Blocker played a character called Hoss Cartwright, and they called him Hoss because he was such a big bloke. Oh, yeah. It's a sort of slang term, you know, for a horse. Hoss Cartwright. But his dad obviously drew the line and his son being called Hoss thought it was a bit disrespectful. So he made the point of calling him Horse.

As if that was OK. That's good. What about there was a strange place in Home and Away. What was it called? Bayside or something? Summer Bay? I can't remember. Summer Bay. Oh, that was it. Or was it Summer's Bay?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Was it Anne Summer's Bay? No, no, I don't think can't remember. Summer Bay. Oh, that was it. Or was it Somers Bay? Oh. Oh, yeah. Was it Anne Somers Bay? No, no, I don't think it was Anne Somers Bay. That would have been... That was Home and Away Nights. Oh, yes. Had to be post-water show. I believe Alf had a sandwich shop with a strange beauty parlour attached, run by the woman who went out with Matt Letizia.

Did she? Oh, Marilyn. I know it sounds like a dream, but it happened. Oh, Marilyn, it does sound like a dream. You know where I always wanted to go? You mongrel. You mongrel. Where I always wanted to go. You know the film Big? You know Tom Hanks in Big?

We were talking about that just the other week. You know the bit where he's an adult, but he's... I haven't seen it. I haven't seen Big. You haven't seen Big? I've had this conversation. You must have been away. I haven't seen Big. Oh haven't seen Big? I've had this conversation. You must have been away. I haven't seen Big.

Oh, when he's a teenage boy who's obviously got money, he basically decorates his own flat. And it's so designed. Like, he's got a basketball indoors. Like, it blew my mind as a teenager. I remember thinking, oh, that's what you want? He had a pinball machine.

I found the decor a bit nouveau riche. I loved it. I haven't seen it. Well, I think there's no doubt about any of our opinions on Big there. Yeah. I should have seen it. I mean, it's notorious. Oh, no, that's...

Sorry, it's not that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to text us, many have, often fruitfully. We're on 8-12-15. If you want to follow the show on Twitter, which is, I suppose, a more avant-garde approach,

that's at Frank on the radio. Not really. If you want to email the show via the Absolute Radio website, do that. More trad. Tradcore. Where do you stand on Snapchat, Frank? Well, having called it Backpack during a live show

last week, I've sort of made a slight fool of myself with the whole process, but I can see how it would work. Yabble? I wondered it... Pardon? Yabble? I think if pardon yabble i think it's a javol british can i say by the way on the subject of yava you know i wish we weren't can i just say you know i used to be seen as a sort of a blue comedian oh yeah yeah in my day oh i hated those years

blue comedian. Oh, yeah. Yeah. In my day. Oh, I hated those years. I loved them. I know you did. The fact that the BBC now will have me, like, a live thing, shows, at times of chance, like, you know, on the one show. But what about this? I was on the one show with Hans Zimmer,

who's an incredibly nice bloke, who's a sort of, um, writes, basically, music for every film. Film composer, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, he's done everything. And anyway, one of the things that they were talking about was when I was a kid, the first time I remember really making people laugh

was drawing moustaches and stuff on things in the paper. So they gave me a picture of each of them to draw a moustache on, live on air. Now, to hand me a picture of a German bloke and say, draw a mustache on live on air now to hand me a picture of a german bloke and say draw a mustache shows how the level of trust in me has gone up with the media our readers have been texting in about fictional places tv shows they really have i always fancied a couple of pints

in the water hole with madge i don, I don't remember the waterhole. So is this Madge in Neighbours, is it? Madge was... Yeah, she was Harold's wife. Oh, that's from Chris Britton, yeah. I don't remember a waterhole. Oh, I remember the water. Was it the watering hole?

Oh, maybe it was. Oh, no, no, that's a controversy. Well, there's also someone who's delighted... Late controversy. Someone's delighted that Emily has mentioned The Young Doctors and has emailed The Young Doctors. Hi, Emily, I'm a long-time... That was the music.

Sort of. Hi, Emily, I'm a long-time reader, but this is the first time I've joined in because I'm so glad someone else remembers The Young Doctors. Whenever the hospital staff went out, it was always to bunnies. Yes. And the only other people. Whenever the hospital staff went out, it was always to bunnies. Yes. And the only other people in there were hospital staff. There was one scene when one of the doctors took a girl on a date there.

When she commented on how great it was, he said, yes, it's nice to get away from the usual crowd. Oh, I love bunnies. Talking about, I can't believe anyone remembers. It was only about 10 years ago, wasn't it? No, it wasn't, love, it was about 30 30 anyway i remember mark saber the one-armed detective anyway um robert coles says uh down the turkish hashtag the sweeney i tell him that sounds brilliant i love the idea of going down the turkey yeah but what did that mean was it i don't know Did they bathe? No, I think it was... Oh, it must have been a Turkish takeaway joint.

It was probably a pub, wasn't it? I once went in one of those Turkish... You know when you shut the doors and you have a towel around the head hole? Uh-huh. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I think so. Oh, yeah. And I felt...

My first thought was I felt like an East End mobster doing an impromptu interview with one of my team. They always, it was in one of those things. Oh, and Lindsay has texted and said, Joy's Bar and El Dorado always look like a cracking night out. Wow, well, that's a good reference. El Dorado. What about in Coronation Street?

They always used to talk about incidents that had happened in Rosamond Street. Did they? I don't know if it ever appeared on camera, but it was just like another street where things could happen that you didn't have to. There probably wasn't the budget for the kind of effects that they would need if they went to Rosamond Street.

Of course, that was a time when foreign travel was for very few as well, so going to another street felt like quite an experience. Now, of course, they're off to the Costa del Sol and it's all different. Absolute, absolute radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

033 has texted, I'd always fancied drinking and cheers, then three years ago I went to Boston and did. Loved it. Hashtag late review. Oh, yeah, well, I went to that bar. When you get inside, though, it doesn't really look like cheers. It's on the, well I went to that, uh, to the Cheers bar. When you get inside though, it doesn't really look like Cheers. It's on the outside.

I, um, I'll be honest. I always think that the bar in Cheers doesn't look that comfy. It's high stools and wooden chairs. And the bit that I always wanted to spend time in was Ted Danson's office, which had a nice big comfy chair and, like, stuff to play with.

Like, he had a baseball mitt and a ball and stuff like that. I'd much rather be back there. I went on a celebrity parade through Inverness with Ted Danson. Sorry, I just need another couple of minutes to laugh at that. Celebrity. We turned up in Inverness for the premiere of Loch Ness. Yeah. Do you remember Loch Ness?

Yeah. No, but thanks for the tip. It was him and Jodie... Kidd? No, the one from... She's a Vanessa Redgrave person. Oh, yeah. Richardson, is it?

Jodie Richardson. Yeah, yeah, Jodie Richardson, yeah. And Ted Danson. When we got there, we were introduced to the mayor of Inverness, and he said, the Celebrity Parade will begin. And we went, um, what?

So we were literally marched through. There was people lining the streets, applauding and cheering. There was Ted Danson and Jolie at the front. There was me, David Baddiel. Oh. Annika Rice was there. What was David Baddiel wearing for a

celebrity parade? That old Aztec camera suede jacket. We weren't dressed up because no one had told us about the celebrity. Nicky Clark and his wife was in it. So your hair looked fine for everyone. Koo Stark. Koo Stark was there can I be honest if I position myself for the celebrity parade

and Ted Danson was in there on the top of that bus it wasn't a bus we were walking yeah we were just walking through the town you didn't even get in it was like the plague years it's that Joan of Arc I know we were walk through the town.

And to be honest, if you did it in London, can you imagine the abuse and that you'd get? Yeah. And, in fact, we got, like, warm applause and they seemed genuinely happy to see us in Inverness. But you walked. We had to walk through. Can you imagine if they're trying to get an autograph

and you were going, Ted, Ted, and then you got Nicky Clark's wife? I mean, no offence. Well, I remember. On the celebrity scale. A guy climbed halfway up a lamp, a guy with a shaven head, and he went, hey, Nicky, can you do anything with this? And he got quite a big laugh.

And afterwards, we were back. And I think, to be fair, I don't wish to air people's dirty linen in public, but I think Nicky and his wife were going through a difficult patch. Oh. And someone said, oh, that was really funny, Nicky, when that guy shouted, can you do anything with this? And he went, ah, yes.

And she said, yeah, and what did you say? Nothing. It's a really awkward moment. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Listener 333 who said, Hi, Frank, and the other two. Oh, dear.

OK. I think you'll find it's usually ex-caste members of Coronation Street that go to the Costa del Sol. And even then, it's only after they fail to agree figures with HMRC. I find ex-members of the Coronation Street often go to Hollywood and have had some successful meetings, they always say, and then you never hear from them again. Oh, yeah. Remember, oh, was there a bar in Crossroads?

Well, there was the Crossroads Motel Bar, because I loved Crossroads, Frank. Were you a fan of that? I'll say. Oh, Noel Gordon. I mean, you know, because it was sort of set in the Midlands and had Midlands accents, we absolutely... Oh, yes.

Best description I ever read of Crossroads was someone said it was like pornography without the sex. And it was. It really was. Adam Chance, Charles of Pinnock. I'm guessing, obviously. David Baddiel has texted me. Good Lord. About the parade?

Yes, about the celebrity parade. I thought I owed him rent Back rent In Vaness Parade he says I remember it as like a 90's celebrity version Of the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona P.S. we stayed at Skibo Castle with Koo Stark Oh that's where Madonna got married

That's right Yes, I remember Koo Stark sat at a beautiful dressing table The next day The sun streamed in through the window and I brushed her hair with an ornamental Victorian hairbrush. And do you know, three months later, she was pregnant? Amazing. I don't know what Nicky Clark would have said about that.

You do the math. I'm still genuinely perplexed by the fact that you were pedestrians on the parade. I mean, like... It seems so cruel. Couldn't they stretch to an Uber? When people saw Ted Danson and you lot walking past, they must have gone, is the minibus broken down?

What's going on? But then it wasn't. How did they keep the people away from you? I mean, did they have barriers set up? And how long was the parade? I can't imagine it. I think they might have had those temporary fencing things. I think, but, David, if you're listening,

you're going to have to give us some more information about the whole set-up. I think so. The guy who called out, as I say, to Nicky Clark, was literally up a lamppost calling out. There was a lot of... There was a really good turnout. People were hanging off lampposts. It was like a royal wedding.

I mean, this was like it was a Saturday lunchtime. It wasn't even an evening parade. Lunchtime, 11 o'clock. I thought we'd walk through unnoticed. But Ted Danson. They'd come out for Ted Danson. Oh, yeah. Well, he would have been a big star.

How long was the celebrity parade? How long a walk? Was it a mile? Was it 20 metres? Was it? What would you say? It felt like about four and a half hours. I'm guessing it was about 20 minutes, something like that.

Really? I mean, I don't know how big Inverness is, really. But it was to say, they seemed genuinely thrilled to see us. Here, you'd just, you know, I mean, certainly in London, people would just throw dog excrement at face. So, yes. Well, I'm really glad that you got to experience that celebrity parade. Me too, because I was in the mood for dancing.

Oh, very nice. Oh, it's been a while since you've used that dancing material. Yes. I don't get the most chance he has my 10 dancing material. Is he still working? Oh, yeah. Oh, he's in loads. He's in loads.

Is he, really? Yeah. How's the hair looking these days? I think he's a handsome man. Oh, so do I. Just asking after his hair. I don't know about his hair. I think he's a handsome man, though.

I just wondered if he was wearing a hat. I'm a talented actor. I think he's a good actor. All right, all right. Are you up for a part in one of his things? Yeah, I think he's really good. Are you meeting with Downton this week? I'm a talented actor. I think he's a good actor. All right, all right. Are you offering heart in one of his things? Yeah, exactly. I think he's really good. Are you meeting with Downton this week?

I'm a big fan of Cheers and he does things in that that are good. I'm not saying he's not a good actor. I just asked after his hair. It's easy to think that he's not talented because he's eye candy, guys.

I don't think he's eye candy. What's going on here? I think he's... Yeah. Just because he's dropped dead gorge doesn't mean that he's not... He's so auditioning for something. He's good.

Are you writing a show called Strictly Come Dancing? Anyway, what else? Oh, what else? You know, I don't know how to put this. You know there's a current craze for colouring in. Is that how you would call it? Colouring in. A friend of mine, a dear friend of mine,

bought me a colouring book not two or three months ago. Which friend was it? Did you find it patronising? Did you find it alright? Well, I'll tell you what it happened. It's an adult colouring book. I do a series of witty and informative interviews on iPlayer. That's a bit arrogant, Frank. You can't say it like that.

I was reading here from The Guardian. You've seen them. I like them. Thank you. I love them. In one of them, I think it was Greg James chose a children's show and it said, you know, my hobbies are, and one of the kids' hobbies was colouring. Oh, yeah.

And I said, when do you lose that as an instinct to do coloring and then um afterwards um my friend said to me i don't know it's a big thing with adults and i said don't be don't be ridiculous and then i ever seen you know when someone says something to you that you haven't aware of suddenly it's everywhere everywhere. Oh, yeah. And I walked into Waterstones recently and there was a whole table which was just adult colouring. When I say adult colouring books, I don't mean... It's not Kama Sutra. No.

It's gone up, sales have gone up 300%, Frank. 300? Get out of town. Impossible. And it's called Colour Therapy now. Well, hold on a minute, because I'm going to play some music, but that is... Sales have gone... This is

adult colouring books? Yes. Well, as they say in the Caribbean, me nah now. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together the Frank Skinner Show. Oh, we've had some news in from David Baddiel. Wow, he's The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Oh, we've had some news in from David Baddiel.

Wow, he's basically co-hosted. Don't say that. Well, in fairness, I had asked him to let me know, because I wanted to know a bit more about the set-up of the Celebrity Parade on a technical level. Did you say Invernus? He said... Hold it, hold it. Did you say Invernus? No, I heard it, hold it. Did you say Inverness?

No, I heard it the first time. Inverness. Inverness. Okay. I saw what he was doing. I saw what he was doing as well. No fencing. Oh, okay.

I said I was unsure about the fencing. No velvet rope. No. The people followed us at the back as we walked. I love that. Now that is... You know when you watch, like, a carnival or something, and it gets to the back, the last thing, and people, for some reason, just follow on.

People in no costumes or anything just follow it. Yeah. I've seen it happen with military parades and all sorts. The security, I mean, that doesn't sound like a good idea with Hollywood stars knocking around. I know, can you imagine now if you said to... Matt Damon? Yeah, Matt Damon, do you mind marching through public streets?

Spit in your face. David says it was about half a mile. Yes, I don't think that bloke was up a lamppost. Really? Oh, he's always got to question, you see. See, I very much remember him up a lamppost. He says, I think... Well, that's the George Formby you knew.

I think he was right up close to Nicky, pointing aggressively at his own shaven head. Oh, I don't remember aggression. I remember warmth. Oh, that's nice. The people of Inverness came out and there was love in the air. Well, in fairness, their usual celebrity... Inverness? Inverness.

Bad Barrow, in fairness. Their usual celebrity is a very enigmatic monster, isn't it, Inverness? Or is Nessie not near? No, it's very near to Inverness, yeah. So they're probably thinking, well, some celebs are coming and we're going to be actually able to see them. Well, there were some clues in this, because we were there for the premiere of Loch Ness.

Of course you were. Do you think we just went there because we couldn't get a cinema near a London? I'll tell you what, I feel a fool now. I do. I feel a real fool. Oh, I said worse. Hey, we've had a text. Frank and cohorts.

I'm enjoying the high. That's a text from a horse I've just had. That's right. Frank and cohorts, speaking of cheers, I went into a bar in Montreal called Cheers, which had a suspiciously similar layout to the eponymous tv sitcom upon speaking to the owner coach i kid you not i leveled the allegation of copyright infringement with no small degree of joy the coach

then showed me his framed legal writ where he had taken the producers to court. Long time reader, first time texter, Gareth. Fantastic. What about when I went into a fish and chip shop on Langley High Street and I ordered sausage, beans and chips. It actually said sausages, beans and chips and when it came there was only one sausage. And I said,

well, you've got to give me another sausage. It says sausages. The woman got really, really off with me. Oh, you do surprise me. She wouldn to give me another sausage, she says sausages. The woman got really, really off with me. Oh, you do surprise me. She wouldn't give me another sausage. And I made a real fuss about it, so I stormed out. The next day I went past, and she very lamely crossed out the S.

She hadn't even put up a new sign. I mean, it was only in felt pen. These people. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about the global craze for colouring in books for adults. I thought that was a new underworld gang,

the global craze. That wouldn't be a bad cartoon, maybe. What, the global craze. That wouldn't be a bad cartoon, maybe. What, the global craze? It sounds like it would be a bad cartoon. No, if the craze were reanimated by scientists and then once they'd got the mould, obviously

they could put them across the globe. Oh no, they broke the mould when they made them. They broke the mould when they made the craze, for sure. What we haven't said is that this global craze for adult colouring books has led to a pencil shortage. There's not enough pencils, which is great news for me because my living room is full of them.

So I think I might now technically be like a millionaire. They're having to run extra shifts in Bavaria at the plant. That's fantastic. They make extra shifts in Bavaria at the plant. That's fantastic. They make coloured pencils in Bavaria. Bebe Castell. I don't know how you pronounce it. I gave it a go. That's a good cracker.

I am into colour therapy, as they call it now. Do you do it? I'd rather they just called it colouring in. So, um, okay. I'll see you in the 70s. I love colour therapy. I do it a lot. Is. What is colour therapy? I love colour therapy. I do it a lot. I've got Connie, who I mentioned earlier on this show.

Her and her husband Charlie have two small children. Yes. Or just children, if you like. And I go round there and I colour in their books. A lot. I did it recently. I do it so much. Are they all right with that?

No. Cody, the oldest one, said, Leave it black and white! Right. Leave it black and white. Right. Leave it black and white next time. It's like Norma Desmond or whatever again. And he had a point. But I'm really into it, but I'm also into jigsaws.

Do you like a jigsaw? Well, I've done a couple with my son. I can't say I'd go and purchase one for my own usage. No, like a thousand-piecer. Do you do a thousand-piecer? Oh, no, I couldn, like a thousand-piecer. Do you do a thousand-piecer? Oh, no, I couldn't do a thousand-piecer. Really? You could see me.

I was running around Soho Farmhouse not long ago saying, is there anywhere I can get a jigsaw? I was like an addict. I've always said that the ultimate example of faith and confidence is to buy a jigsaw from a charity shop. You've really got to believe in human nature to do that. You two remember to have children, though, so you must have Lego things and playing the bill.

My brother, Terry, he was always, and still is, I spoke to him recently about it, a big enthusiast of painting by numbers. Oh, really? He did a Laughing laughing cavalier once. I'm not kidding you. It was better. Just a bit of gossip.

It was better than Franz Howell's original. Was it? Why aren't we? No, it was meticulous. All the brocade of the outfit. Now he wears these special glasses with a magnifying glass attached to the top like a pilot fish and a light for doing it.

Because he kidded a member of the family that he said he'd had an eye test and they told him this is what he got away with. He's a prankster. He did a fabulous joke with a hole in his sock and a crab claw. Oh, man, that was one of his best. But he's always been an enthusiast. The most... Some of them, he has a single hair paintbrush

and he just does one tiny dot like that. That is... Painting by numbers. That is amazing. It is, like, until you're impressed. I am. Tempted. Can you tell I'm not?

I'm not tempted, no, I haven't got... I'm time rich, but I'm not that time rich, I don't think. I like time rich. Good phrase. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I play quite a lot of pick-up pairs and... I don't know what that is. What is that? It's like when you put... I thought that was something very different. When you put cards down. And if so, I play that. Yeah, yeah? It's like when you put... I thought that was something very different. When you put cards down... And if so, I play that.

Yeah, yeah. It's a swing, I think. Yeah, yeah. When you put cards down and you have to pick up two that match each other... Oh, so you have to remember what... Yeah, yeah. It's not a snap, isn't it? A bit like snap, but...

No, not slap. I play snap as well. And I play top trumps. We play that in the S&M community. Play top trumps. Play top trumps in the S&M community as well, but play that in the snm community play top trumps in the snm community as well but by accident um but you know my favorite thing about all these things isn't so much the actual game i feel i feel poorly it's not so much the actual game i really like sitting cross-legged on the

floor that's nice for you that really reminds me me of, like, school assemblies and childhood. I don't think grown men should do that. I think you'd like a Japanese tea ceremony. I would. I would like that. Don't mind a cup of tea? Hang on, would they put milk in it, though? No, it's jasmine. Oh, I don't mind that. What about this for a

revisited childhood? I went on the bumping cars last week. Wow. Do you mean bumper? Bumping cars. Bumping? Bumper. Bumper cars. Dodgems, I think, is what we call them. That's the American version. It's not. We always call them bumping cars. Bumping cars? Anyway, there was

a bloke on and he saw him. I'm on with my three and a half year old. Yeah. So I'm a bit... This bloke, he just went the opposite. just rode into a drove full-on into everybody and and the thing was he went top gear i suppose his son was about six but they both had spectacles on now you don't expect that from people in spectacles no i agree and some people in spectacles rather than following the bookish route they um they actually try and sort

of prove that okay we've got spectacles on, but we're still quite... And that's clearly what he was doing. You know, like Heinrich Himmler, for example. Very! The war spectacles. You can't compare that man, that dad on the bumping cars to Heinrich Himmler. Well, it was

another example of people in spectacles trying to prove how hard they are. How did you deal with it? He had him arrested for war crimes. No, she means the bloke in the bumping car. Yeah, he'll know. I soon sorted him out.

I didn't... What can you do? You have to look like you're joining in with these people. You square up to him. Yeah, but then Frank would be a guy in spectacle squaring up to another guy. I wasn't in spectacle. I believe Tom Cruise puts it, you've got to step up to the plate.

Yes, well, this bloke looked like he'd stepped up to the plate on several occasions and cleared it. Presumably no leftovers on his plate. So it was... Oh, did I tell you about me um about covering buzz with stones on you didn't but you better hurry because we haven't got much time left to hear this story i was on the beach at brighton i covered a trail another story for a whole week like you did recently are you you know i went into children late uh-huh oh yeah i was 55 when buzz was born

so i'm still i'm i'm experiencing now in later life all the fun of childhood, as we're told. But I think that's lovely, you see. And Boz lay down and we covered him in stones. So we sort of, you know, so just his head. I don't know how I feel about that. Just his head was sticking out. He loved it. And then he jumped up and started going,

let's bury daddy, let's bury daddy. I said there'll be time enough for that. Anyway, maybe on that note... Have a great morning, everyone. It's hot out there today, guys. Plus four life. So, if the good Lord spares us and the crates don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

So, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. So, get out.