The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Chemtrails

Episode Date: June 11, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Cockerel and Divine Miss Em. The team discuss the England team's barbeque, services that should exist and a bathroom cleaning technique.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Remember her? With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. email the show via the absolute radio webby. Now, now then, when is the Queen's 90th birthday? Can we establish that? It seems to have been going for about a month. Oh, I thought that had gone. A real one. But it's on again now. It's back.

Oh. Well, is it this weekend? Like a phoenix. She is like a phoenix. She's got that vertebrae, like the stranding tendon around the armpit. It's pretty cool. I don't know.

I've heard that she's not actually capable of flying. Apparently she used to levitate slightly as a child. But now it's just the remainder. Like we've got that last bit of tail left. Do you like the Queen, Frank? Do you remember I used to read... I bet the Queen once got very excited. How did you?

Do you remember she made some sort of... an unpleasant remark about art? About you? I remember someone gave her a picture of our horse and it was a bit blue. And what did she say? And she said, oh, that's the colour of the horse, is it? Or something like that.

And I thought, no. You thought she was a bit Philistine. I did. Mm. That actually is her real name. Phyllis Stein. Oh, really? That'd be great if you were called Phyllis.

German origin in there. Phyllis Stein. I went around complaining about culture. See, I'm quite a fan of hers. Well, you know, I like all 90-year-olds, really. In that, you know, it's not worth not liking them. You'll be saying that about us soon. Yeah, you know.

No, they'll never say that about us. I don't like the ones who've been arrested for war crimes before you text in. I don't like them. Well, I like them until they've been don't like them well i like them until happy birthday i like them till they're convicted because you know you've got to give people the benefit of the doubt but after that i hate the rule it's a good rule um but anyway she's been doing the honors oh yes she loves dishing them out she loves dishing them out like she's got a

t-shirt cannon or something. And a deck. They got the honours. Sir Ant and deck. They deserve it, don't they? I mean, no one would begrudge... Which one gets the sir? No, the thing is, they couldn't give him a knighthood. That's it. I think they might have got a knighthood,

but you can't be Sir Ant and Sir Deck. It ruins the whole rhythm of the thing. So they've had to give him OBEs, is it? What colour are those badges, red or black? Oh, that's a good question. Do they have a certain amount? Is there, like, a pile of so many OBEs, so many MBEs, and they have to allocate them?

Or do they do more sometimes? What, do they get desperate and go, oh, Nick Knowles, come on? Yeah, Nick Knowles. I love the fact that you looked at me with eye contact about how many OBEs there were going around. No, but is there an allocation each list? Yeah, again, our royal correspondent

Alan Cocker, I don't know. He'd be a great royal correspondent. Wouldn't he? I was thinking, you know, Ant and Dec, if they decided to go the other way round with their names and called themselves Dec and Ant, they wouldn't have been embraced by the establishment. Why is that, then?

Because it sounds a bit like decadent. I agree. And I think the British people, deep down, they don't like that. Now you tell me. They think that's a French thing. You know, smoking in bed. Oh. Frank, what about Brian Blessed?

He's got one, I say. What? He kept that quiet? It's the only thing in his life. Don't they actually get told to keep it quiet? Brian, keep it down. The only thing ever that he's kept quiet, and there it is. Tim Peake.

Guys, Tim Peake. Yeah, but Tim Peake's got a really weird award. I'll tell you what he's got. He's got the Companion of the Order of St Michael and St George. Now that is... I should be nominated for that. Is it Marks and Spencers? Yeah.

It means Shopping Assistant. Sponsorship. Marks and Spencers. Is he still in that? Is he still up there? Oh, he's still up there. Yeah. I think he comes down this month, Tim Peake.

Oh, the offers are going to dry up when he comes down. No, there'll be a big surge of offers at first. No, there won't, Frank. It makes it all special because he's out of reach. He's up there. You think? No, I think when he first comes back, he'll do this morning for the big interview.

This morning? And then it'll be back to the laboratory. Wouldn't it be brilliant if the Queen had just given one of them an OB? And told it. Yeah, if she'd have just said, I don't like that one with the spiky hair. Or not given it to Dec because he's Catholic. So just given it to Ant.

Just Ant. Or given them a different thing. One got OB, one got Sir. Yeah. That would be great. Or denited one of them. One got OBE, one got Sir. Yeah. That would be great. Or they knighted one of them. Then it could be Sir Ant and Dick. It definitely would have to bicker.

My mum told me that me and my brother, she eventually had to buy us in the shop, excuse me, there we go, in the shop she occasionally would buy us like a... Still there a bit. I don't like it when it's still there. I'm sorry. It's gone now.

What can I do? It's gone. People will think the show's underwater this year. She would buy a tube of Smarties, but I had to identify that they both had the same colour lids, because if one was blue and one was green, somehow we would invent a way that one was better, and then we would start a fight.

Tough parenthood. Yeah, it is difficult, isn't it? But that must be like Ant and Dec. If one of them got knighted and the other one was OBE, oh, you could imagine them having a right. Have they been knighted or OBE? OBE. Oh, thank you. No, but I'm one of them got knighted and the other one was OBE, you could imagine them having a right. Have they been knighted or OBE? OBE. Oh, thank you. No, but I'm saying if they just knighted... Thank goodness for that, though,

because I love them, but they shouldn't be knighted. No, but if they just knighted Ant, then they could be Sir Ant and Dec. That would be... Sir Ant and Dec. Sir Ant and Dec sort of suggests a joint thing. Or Sir Ant and Dec Obey.

Dec Obey. Oh, yeah. Dec Obey. Dec Obey. Oh, yeah. Dec Obey. Dec Obe. Rod Stewart. I'm happy for Rod. He's got it. He's Sir Rod Stewart now.

Yeah. Yeah. That's how that all's going to work out. Yeah, yeah. I was just clearing it up in case people were thinking that he's got the Companion of the order of St Michael and St George. The Queen, you know, she touches one shoulder and then the other shoulder.

She's got quite a lift. For a 90-year-old woman, you've got to lift the sword right over Rod's plumage. That's going to be a bit... She might need assistance with that. And Brian Blessed's laugh. Oh, can you imagine that? That could kill her.

If she suddenly... If he suddenly... Oh, thank you imagine that? That could kill her. If she suddenly, if he suddenly, but... Oh, thank you! Poor Queen. She's gone the Queen down. Queen down! That's right. Buckingham Palace. Alarm goes off.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, earlier this morning, I was talking about... Sounds like a policeman in court. I was talking about your hit song.

It did very well on the hit parade. Oh, yes. It's called Three Lions. Yes. And I said, I know all of your lyrics. And you said you don't know all of them. You challenged me. Mm.

And there's a bit in the second version, Three Lions Redux. Mm. And you said, can you remember that bit? And I couldn't. Anyway, someone tweeted us with it and said, we could dance Snobby's Dance, we could dance it in France. Yes, or we could dance Snobby's Dance, we could dance it in France. Yeah. For our Midlands listeners.

Oh, hello! We've just had a variation on that from Jeff Owen. I always thought that lyric was, we could dance in advance. Yeah, it's an interesting idea that you could dance in advance. Yeah. I mean, it'd be great, wouldn't it, to go to a club and someone said, come on, Frank, get up. No, actually, I danced, I did all my dancing this afternoon in anticipation. Get it out the way.

Yeah. At home. First dance at a wedding. Ah, we did it last dancing this afternoon. You know, anticipation. Get it out the way. Yeah. At home. First dance at a wedding? Ah, we did it last week. We had a lot on. Yeah, we did it last night. We just had a spare minute. Well, let's get the first dance out now. People wouldn't like you.

No. First dance at the wedding. They're bad, aren't they? What was your tune? Um, I didn't have a conventional wedding, really. Oh. Oh, dear. Did you just jump over a broom?

It's all gone to the F&M community. Yeah, it was like that. So you didn't have a first dance? No. There must have been a first dance. No. There wasn't a dance. There was only seven people there.

Frank, he's embarrassed because it went a bit, you're just too good to be true. Well, that's a good song. That would have been a good first dance. Seven people's enough to dance, isn't it? Especially if... That's true. I've just seen Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? There's quite a lot of that.

Oh, God, now we're gonna have breakdance troops emailing the show saying, seven people's plenty to dance. Do you get breakdance troops? Yeah. Yeah. Troops? Yeah. Any old troops.

Respect to them, if you're listening. Any breakdance- If I get married, can you and David sing at my wedding? Um, yes. Okay. I can't speak for David, of course. No, who can? I think you'd have to speak to his agent.

Might not be as cheap as you think. Oh, Rod Stewart. Did I ever tell you when I saw an audience with Rod Stewart? Oh, did you? Do you remember those programmes? Oh, I love those programmes. And Rod, I spoke to the... What they used to do is come up to you in the green room and say

will you ask this question for um spite milligan whoever it was you were oh so i didn't know that you were given the question yes i'm afraid it's all so false okay so they asked me to ask this thing about whether rod still got to watch football was of course something i really wanted to ask him anyway i thought he said look he they say your name first do they say Frank Skinner or do they say man in the blue shirt no they don't say that actually there was an incident later because they don't say that which shows why they should say that

Rod is Rod was very man of the people about the whole thing and he said look I don't want the celebrities sitting at the front he said celebrities you know they don't enjoy themselves i want the ordinary people at the front and the celebrities at the back well i mean he'd gone too far anyway so that was what they had to do so i there's a load of us at the back well at least you've got to sit at the front frank um but uh so and he said I don't want any set questions.

I'm just going to ask people for questions. I want to keep it real and all that. So they said, well, you know, it can be a bit difficult with the public. He says, no, no, no, I know, I know the public, you know, etc. So anyway, he did two numbers. He sounded in great voice. He looked good, you know. And he said, right, got any questions?

The bloke put his hand up the bloke said why don't you make good albums anymore like you did in the 70s we learn our lessons the hard way in this business frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a texting of a real-life joke. You know, those jokes that people use. You know, two blokes going to a pub. No, no, not quite. You know, we were talking about UBs and people being knighted and stuff.

Yes. Steve in Folkestone has texted, Morning, guys. First-time texter. Talking about knighthoods, etc. Our vice-captain at the golf club... We can see how this is going. Our vice-captain at the golf club was given an OBE for his services to the rail network. His name is Dave Ward OBE, now known as Dave Wardrobe. Lol. Oh, that's very good, isn't it?

He's stuck an extra R in there. Let's not worry about the R. Don't be picky. Don't be picky. That's fantastic good, isn't it? You've stuck an extra R in there. Let's not worry about the R. Don't be picky. Don't be picky. That's fantastic. Very welcome. Yeah. That is good. I wonder if there's any way they can, at the Christmas do,

persuade a witch and an actual lion just for the photo and Dave Wardrobe. The lion, the witch and Dave Wardrobe would be one of the great photos. How many hits would that get? Oh, hits. On, um, on, uh, Schmitter, Schmitter, Schmittergrab.

Is there something called Schmittergrab? No, but there should be. You said that as you were clutching your chest. Schmittergrab! It's German for get the tablets, they're in the top drawer. something called Schmittagram. No, but there should be. You said that as you were clutching your chest. Ow. Schmittagram! It's German for get the tablets, they're in the top drawer. No one here speaks German, I perished. Al, someone's stolen your joke. What? Stuart Potter

says, tell Alan I used his joke about the wife being a keeper and it got huge laughs. Hashtag, I'm having that. Good, good, you're welcome. I don't even use it anymore i'm sorry i still i still think it's wrong why because it's al's joke okay oh it's wrong of the man to use it well he's at his festival did he did he credit him did he say he is a joke by the popular comedian alan topper and then that might be a stretch yeah well you're popular in our house oh good

we've been reminiscing about the Pig of Marseille. You have? I didn't even remember the Pig of Marseille. Oh, the Pig of Marseille was one of my favourites. Oh, the Pig of Marseille. Lovely Pig of Marseille. Yes, it was a man. I have no memory of this.

He was a famous football hooligan. I think it was 98 he was last in France. Oh, dear. I'm not sure if he's going to be allowed entry this year. He wore the little Charles Bronson round glasses thing. They can't stop a pig up an entry. What? So it's just a bit old saying. Did it?

Yeah. Where? The pig of Marseille. Is it because he was a fat, big man? Well, no, that's not why they've denied him entry. No, no, but why... God. It's very narrow doors, Marseille.

Oh, I see. No, is that why he was called... That was the poor sign reference. Yes, I believe so. And also because he didn't behave in a particularly pleasant way. Am I right, Al? I don't know. I think so, yeah. He doesn't seem like he's, um...

Apparently, though, when he... Popular chap. Whenever he went into, um... Into mode, you know, to attack someone, all the other England fans would go, Doon-do-do-doon-doon-do-do-do-do-do-doon-doon. And then he just... I'm guessing me and him wouldn't be...

wouldn't get on that one. Why not? Well, I don't... Because I... Because you constantly eat bacon sandwiches, isn't it? I heartily disapprove of football hooliganism in all its aspects. All that, all that.

Yeah, yeah. And I think we might disagree fundamentally on that topic. Yeah. And it's probably a topic he brings up a lot. Yeah. Inga- land, Inga, land.

Oh, no. So, I don't know if he should go. Can't he just go to a fan zone? He can still hit people, but, you know, he couldn't help with

by the English police. Yeah, if you're listening, Pig of Marseille, don't text in. Well, I don't know. Do you think he calls himself? Oh, yeah.

Do you think he says, all right, darling, I don't know if you remember me. I was known a few years ago, I was known as the Big of Marseille. What are you doing after? What are you doing after? P.O.M.

But he's had his nose pierced. Like a really big nose. So we had that done for. Well, I don't know if you know, but in 1998, is he furious that people call him the Pig of Marseille? Do you think he still dines out on being the Pig of Marseille? I think he dines outdoors.

I wonder if he gets invited to Premier. Who have you got tonight? White Power Ranger, Nick Knowles, Pig of Marseille? Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner On Demand, the show where I am. This week I'm with the Pig of Marseille, and then we'll have a clip of him from the news so um what should i call you pig of marseille pig pom pom for short use the uh the initials

pigo what are we going with no i don't see him getting i don't see him and Tim Peake on Graham Norton together. No. It's a great image. Maybe we could Photoshop it. I was watching the opening ceremony last night of the football, and I didn't realise that the French have got their own red arrows. Yes. Arrow Rouge. Do you know what's French for arrow?

No. Charlie, you probably did French to A-level. I don't know. Anyway. Well, in fairness, it's not something you do in everyday French language. What, Arrow? Yeah. How long ago did you learn French?

During the New Romantics period, right? She didn't do 11th century French. No, that's true. Ashencore, I bet it cropped up. Yeah. You couldn't have been at Ashencore and not come away not knowing the French for Arrow. No, that's true. Agincourt, I bet it cropped up. Yeah. French. You couldn't have been at Agincourt and not come away not knowing the French for arrow. Anyway, I'd been thinking about that because I was lying on my lawn this week

and I had a rare moment of just relaxing and I looked up at the sky and I saw one of those. This has puzzled me my whole life and i've never actually got around to asking anyone about it but um why is it that you get those planes where white stuff comes out the back of them oh we will definitely oh and some don't yeah you know you get those really high up like little high white planes little ghost high planes i feel annoyed now because i know this do you know it well i know it but i don't they have a trail but yeah but is there a switch is there like a red arrow switch that you switch on and then the smoke comes out there must be for the

red arrows for it to be colored they do it with color don't they they do red red white and blue yeah but as did the french i'm starting to think they've only got those colours, so it's only countries with red, white and blue in their flag. As if the pilots haven't enough to worry about. I mean, I can't... It's like having to dabble with all the sat-nav when you're driving. Yeah. I don't want them worrying about colours. But the ones in the little tiny white planes that fly very high,

are you saying that their smell comes out all the time? They're normal planes. I think normal planes have a thing that they leave behind them. I listened to a podcast about this years ago, but I can't remember. I would love to know. I wonder if they're actually cloud distributors. That's what it is. It's sort of disturbing of the cloud, yeah.

No, but do they fly around deliberately creating clouds? No, I don't think they're creating clouds, no. Is it a sort of anti-sunburn thing by the government? No, I don't think so. creating clouds. Is it a sort of anti-sunburn thing by the government? No, I don't think so. How many times have you watched it? Sometimes you just see their remaining lines after they've gone. I don't really watch the planes that much. You don't watch planes?

I get on them. Oh, well. We used to have a saying. I don't know if they still say this in comedy, Al. They used to say, never do comedy in a town where they still point to airplanes yeah but i often point to aeropl i'm still slightly fascinated that they're in the sky we've had a text saying it's water and sky hold on what you know he's thinking of e-planes oh

oh yeah i'm one about the old-fashioned tobacco planesute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, the switchboard has lit up, Frank. Has it? Yep, you've lit the switchboard up. Where is the switchboard at Absolute Radio? It's right here in front of me. My screen's lit up with texts, emails, Emily's getting tweets all about what it turns out are called chemtrails.

Those are the things that leave the back of home. Pete Foley says, high-altitude planes produce contrails from the exhaust of their engines when the hot exhaust gas meets the cold atmosphere, causing the water vapour in the atmosphere to condense, giving a white trail. I'd do it for a living. So, does that mean that the planes that

you know normal planes you see fly not super high planes yeah they're actually kicking it out but we can't see it because it's a bit warmer yeah when it's nearer to my garden exactly that i believe that's the so they're all kicking it out all the time. Yes, which is what possibly may be worrying Adam Chingford, who has texted, Frank, it's the government! Check the web for the conspiracy theories. They're trying to control us by dropping chemicals on us. That's Adam Chingford.

Yeah. What's he got, an umbrella? He's got away with it. He might just be spending time in his greenhouse. We're laughing at him. Who knows? You know. Some of these conspiracy theories are going to be correct.

Well, you say that, but 351 Andy in the bath. Sorry, it's Andy in bath. Absolute Radio, please do not talk about chemtrail myths. The lines are CO2 and water. Only people in foil hats believe in chemtrails. Andy, engineer in the bath. Oh, no. Engineer as well, so that makes it true

we've embarrassed ourselves not the lion and the scarecrow oh so i think i've got to say what i don't understand then what about this what about when you hire um say you live in margate and you hire that bloke that lives at the local airport to go around in his tiny little plane and put, I love you, Karen, to write that. What about that? Well, he doesn't fly super, super high. They fly quite low, those blokes that write, I love you, Karen.

So how does he do it? 8, 12, 15. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 8, 12, 15. We're talking about these planes. Oh, yeah. Aerobatics teams, like the Red Arrows, use diesel with coloured dye.

It vaporises when released through the nozzle above the engine exhaust, giving the coloured smoke trails. Light aircraft over Margate can do the same thing. That's, again, Pete Foley in Gloucestershire. OK, I get it. I just wanted to establish, you know, that the bloke in Margate doesn't have to fly super high. I'm glad you did, and I find it interesting,

but we can't please all of the people all of the time. Oh, no, let me guess what's coming next. 908 has texted in, Hi, guys, never heard so much rubbish talked about a more boring subject plain exhaust fumes come on liven up england that's in caps that bit oh that's a big of marseille that's from kenny in leeds i just feel like his voice ought to be heard as well my advice is if you've never heard more boring rubbish talked about boring subject, you should tune in to any other radio show. Anyway,

I'm biased. I'm a little biased. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's not for everyone, Kenny. That's, you know. No, true. You know, it's like any worthwhile journey. We're getting a lot of views. Chris Davis. Come on, Frank. The messages are done with the type of dives. Sometimes I think you're being a bit

of a gift for the sake of it. I honestly didn't know how it worked and now I know and that's a good thing. For the sake of it. If you don't ask in this world, you don't find out. Anyway, we won't mention it anymore. You've made your point.

Touchy. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute point. Touchy. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can email, you can know, you can text us at 81215.

You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I thought you would have allowed it on the unbelievable to crumb believable, just on the strength of the pun. I like a pun, but, you know... Pun believable. He likes a pun, but he doesn't like a sell-out.

We were once offered a vast amount of money when Iceland introduced their home delivery service so that the adverts could say, Iceland's coming home. Oh, I would have quite liked that. I'd have liked the money, but I feel it would have been, I'd have been washing my hands for many, many, many years. I could have given it to charity, I suppose.

Be able to look after the old song. You did the right thing, Frank. Do the right thing. One of the many reasons why you're my mentor. Thank you so much. We should talk, I think one of the many reasons why you're my mentor. Thank you so much. We should talk, I think, about, let's call it Euro 2016. Let's call it that. Yes.

Really good naming skills you've got. Well, you say that, but I did a whole load of links for Sky with Dame Joan Bakewell, and at the end of it, we'd said 2014, I think, throughout. And they said, sorry, Sky, Sky Policy is we say 2014. So we have to do them all again. That is annoying. Don't get in the wrong side of Sky Policy.

No, Sky Policy almost certainly is a pretty American actress who appears in the Daily Mail online sidebar. Yeah. The Channing Tatum. Sky Policy is beautiful. My Sky Policy is chemtrails. I just love it. Oh, no.

We can't talk about those. I promise we wouldn't mention those. Oh, sorry. Again, people get tetchy in there. So did you see that opening ceremony, Frank? I did. It wasn't an epic. I'd describe it as very French.

Was it? It was quite French, but it was brief. It was. Brie. It was very Brie. it was quite french but it was brief it was it was very brief very brief sounds french it was i was all set i i let i let my son stay up so he could watch the opening ceremony because i thought he'll like all the grand yeah it didn't start till about 10 to 8 all. And they had two or three French things. One thing is, my four-year-old is a very big fan of the can-can. Oh.

He loves that piece of music, and he actually does the can-can. I mean, we don't... He doesn't wear the gob. So there was a big can-can feature. But even... i thought it nod to the folly berger yeah so he joined in um oh the strange yeah but i thought he was probably doing it with more gusto than most of the most of the women looked like they'd been

phoned four o'clock that afternoon can you do the can can-can? Well, I could do it, but I don't have time to. No, it's fine, just come and... Well, I'll make a gesture towards doing it. And it was all a bit like that. Yeah, they were just going through the motions, Frank. They didn't have a can-can-do attitude. No, they didn't. Very much not.

And they didn't play Maury Chevalier singing the theme from The Aristocats. Oh, I love that one. I know. To which pets do the others tip their hats? Naturally more, the Aristocats. I mean, that's what I wanted.

That's what I want as my new ringtone. Instead, there's one of those things in... There's one reason for moving to France, is that middle-aged men are allowed to follow the activities of young men for much longer. So the DJ... What do you mean? Oh, the DJs. The DJ looked like... He looked like a bloke who'd been DJing for a while.

What, the Gold Seeker and Jaquito DJ? Yeah, he had a tiger on the back of his... Or what about the one with the white T-shirt with the bow tie on the T-shirt? Oh, I didn't notice that. Don't knock that. Don't knock that. I like the sound of that. I interviewed Cliff Richard once and he wore a t-shirt with a tie, collar and tie. Yeah? Holly. Look what happened to him.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Come on, hello people. Oh, Emmanuel Petit's hair I'd like to discuss. Did you see it last night? Well, Emmanuel Petit's hair hasn't really changed, has it? No.

This is a problem. Oh, it has, my friend. The man bun was not a feature before. Was it not? No, it was long and flowing. He didn't have an actual man bun. He's gone all, I brew craft beer and have me. I feel a bit sorry for people who got famous with long hair.

Yeah. And then in order to make sure they still get recognised, they have to keep it in for their mid-late. So you see a lot of people and you think... You know very well they would have gone, oh, God, this looks ridiculous. But, you know, it's very... You have to try and look like you've always looked as much as you can.

No, Levman's... I feel the difficulties that you then have to... I thought you spotted him then, at the window. Hovering. His hair's blonde. I bet he's got a hoverboard. He's kept the blonde, hasn't he? Yeah.

Got all the gadgets. Sunning. Still uses sunning. He's a traditionalist. Does he? Good for him. Expectamundo. He's not putting it in the beard, is he?

The beard's got a darker hue, hasn't it? The Cuban heel, though. It's a high heel. I'd say it's three inches. David Baddiel said to me, shall we watch England Wales together? Nice. Oh, that's nice. And I said, I can't because I've got a rehearsal for My Fair Lady.

That's how my life has changed. What? Because I'm giving my do little, you see. Are life has changed. What? Because I'm doing, I'm giving my do-little, you see. Are you? Yeah. What? Only in a charity event to raise money for the Actors Church in Covent Garden.

I'm doing, you know, Alfred Do-little. I thought you were joining a show there. No, but thanks for the tip. I wish. But you know what? I was really nervous then. I'm not going to lie. I thought you'd accepted, in a really ill-advised moment, I thought you were doing some West End show. Why would that be ill-advised? It's very...

Because I would worry about it, Frank. Very popular. Well, thank you for your confidence. No, I'm not saying you wouldn't be good. You're saying exactly that. Let's move on. No, but it would be a big thing for you to take on. Well, I haven't got where I am today by not taking on big things.

Well, okay. Anyone who's toured with me will tell you that. So, anyway, um... So, you're going to play Dr. Doolittle? No. Oh, okay. Alfred Doolittle. Oh, yes, okay.

I'm getting married in the morning. Anyway, so... Ding dong. That's next, isn't it? Yeah yeah that's the next two words or is it one word is it one compound frank who else is in the musical oh let's start going to the musical we're talking about the euros okay you're upset anthony andrews i believe oh um i i had a strange thing with the opening ceremony and the first game indeed. I was on the train from Edinburgh to London Kings Cross. So I couldn't watch the opening ceremony

but I did, towards the end, have the second half of the football match on the radio in my ears. But then my train arrived and I got off thinking, oh, this is one all. The game's finished. Checked into my hotel and France had scored

a brilliant late goal. At the end of the opening ceremony, the The game's finished. Checked into my hotel and France had scored a brilliant late goal. So, missed it. At the end of the opening ceremony, the Eiffel Tower suddenly appeared. But it dropped in. You know when you go and see an Amdram local pantomime and they drop in some thing at the end and it's like a cloth while down. It was a bit like, it was honestly like they'd been cutting it out that afternoon it really was two frenchmen with a pulley and a lever and also the itv have

got this table they've got a itv have gone for a um eiffel tower table that's table but they've got a big the eiffel Tower legs in the middle of it. It's so Route 1. But Slavin Village sat behind the legs, and on certain shots, he looked like he'd got a big pair of checky loon pants. I mean, I felt... If you're on TV, Slavin,

I mean, the hair. It's not good. I love Slavin. Yeah, but the hair, Frank. I like... He looks like he... I don't know if he does smoke, but he really looks like he should smoke. He's got the slight haunch of the smoker. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd be very happy to discover that he's on

40 capstan full strength a day. It would fit the, obviously that would be bad for him, and we don't, we on Absolute Radio say don't smoke. And don't believe in chemtrails. No, but he does look... He looks right. He looks right for him.

I love him. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We just did some exercises in that room. We did a few exercises. A conversation about stretching broke out.

It's very inspirational, Bonho. That's right. Frank, you're very supple. Thank you so much for a man of my age, etc. I mean, my bones are like chalk now, if you think about it. Yeah, are they? Yeah, I drew a small representation of the Laughing Cavalier on a local pavement recently.

Got four pence eighty. Well done. I did it with a broken ankle bone. Anyway. My favourite Euro story so far is that Gary Neverland, the goalkeeping coach, cycled off from the England hotel in their team jumpers and shorts by the way well they don't really i don't know if they take any other stuff yeah i wonder if they have like wearing own clothes

moments yeah they don't have they don't ever dress down friday when they're in the european championships um i suppose if they did the doll just wear their club kit wouldn't they just be awkward well sometimes i've been to quite a few big tournaments, and the England fans, on the days when there isn't an England game, they'll wear their club shirt, you know, it's casual, so they'll wear... Oh, yeah. Nice. You've got to wear a football shirt.

They cycled off to a local food market, and Gary Neville haggled over ten raw king prawns. Yes, I found this a bit... You got a discount. And Gary Neville haggled over ten raw king prawns. Yes, I found this a bit... He got a discount. I like the shopkeeper who said, we were shocked when two men in England tracksuits came in. Really? Yeah.

You were shocked? I'm never shocked when I see... You know there's a big football tournament on? Have you heard about that? I mean, even fans will be wearing the same gown. To get a bit more love. What shocked me is that apparently it's for a team barbecue. Now, these are professional athletes,

and I don't think that Gary Neville's barbecued king prawns on the week of a manch is a good idea. No, what are... A team barbecue, and he bought ten. Exactly. For a start, not everyone's getting one, but the people that do get them... So tight. They're going to be sliced, clearly.

I mean, also, how long are they hanging around in that old bike for? I wouldn't buy prawns off the back of his bike. Outrun the team. Seven of them in special nappies after the team barbecue. Just not... It's a worry to me. Also, if you're going to get money off things, don't make it fish. Yeah.

I don't want discounted fish. Yeah, exactly. 60 euros, they got 12 euros off, Frank. Yeah, but... They're doing all right. I know this thing, you know, that celebrities don't know how much a pint of milk costs, etc. But is not 60 euros for 10... Yeah, it's a lot.

How many? 10 Tiger King prawns? 10 King prawns, 60 euros for 10 King prawns. I tell you, I'm glad he's not going out into the transfer market this season, Gary Neville, because the word would be out well you know he pays up that's stupidly expensive isn't it because anyone knows what

they must have been big old prawns imagine anyone listening knows what I'd pay for gambas you're essentially saying does anyone

know the price of fish oh that's what you're asking people to text him do you know what the price of fish is I am actually

it's a good idea to text him. Do you know what the price of fish is? I am actually ready to text in, actually. Because what's that got to do... No, but... So if Gary Neville was still at Sevilla, is that where he was? Valencia, was it? I can't remember. Spain.

Oh, let's ask the pig and I'll say he'll know. If they'd said, oh, apparently Gary Neville's bought Gambas, they'd have thought he'd bought some... some player in there. That, to me, sounds extortionate. I mean, if there's any shellfish... Also, Frank, Slavin Billet, just so you know, Slavin Billet,

Slavin is a chain smoker. The West Ham staff have had to fumigate his office regularly. I knew it! You could just see! There's three pictures of him smoking here. There you go. I'm anti-smoking, but on this one occasion. Respect. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about... Well, we've had some news in, haven't we, Al? About the price of fish. 563 has texted it was £10 of king prawns, but that is not what the newspaper that I looked at said. It's not what I read. They chose 10.

I imagine when he said he chose 10, he said, I don't want that one, I want that one. Yeah, I was thinking if he's chosen 10 king prawns and they're having a team barbecue, like, I mean, Neville's definitely getting one, isn't he? Because he went, and the goalkeeping coach is getting one. Roy Hodgson. Yeah, Ray Lewington.

Roy will say, it would be nice to give them... Well, 815 says... So we're looking at six outfield players getting one. There's no way Joe Hart's having a King Prawn. There has to be. Absolutely no way. They'll be sliced. Do you think they at that bar. There's absolutely no way. They'll be sliced. Do you think they'll be sliced?

That's the only way. You can't have that sort of resentment early on in a tournament. Well, 815 says the last thing you want before a championship is to get an assistant coach to do an impromptu BBQ. The dangers of food poisoning. Don't they take their own dieticians, chefs, kitchen staff, etc., to prevent the risk of that? Yeah, they do take them, and they'll all be queuing up for a slice of prawn.

We're not even counting them. We're thinking about the 23 squad, Roy Hutch and Ray Lewington. Well, we are. Neville wasn't, was he? I think they won't see any of those. They must have been massive if he's going to slice them up like that. But couldn't they have got a car to pick the fish up from the market? Why did they take it on a bike?

Yeah, well, I think he's probably thinking I'm in France, you know. I'll get a bike. I don't know if you saw him. He's got a bit of Raymond Blanc. He had a beret, Breton shirt. What if he'd gone down like that? I noticed the coach, speaking of their transport, I don't mean right. Oh, yeah. I mean, the

coach, the vehicle. Yeah. Has got on the side one team, one dream. Oh, is that what it's got? Nice. I like it. I like its rhyming-ness. Why don't you like it? Well, first of all, it's just a fairly basic rehashing

of the phrase dream team, which is used commonly. Also, I'd rather, if I was going to rhyme it, I'd rather than a dream which seems something that you, you know, it's airy-fairy, you haven't really made any attempts at. A scheme I would have preferred. One team, one scheme.

Oh, that sounds scheming and Machiavellian. No, but it sounds like you're all working for that. A dream, they're sitting around saying, well, you never know. I don't know. One team, one scheme makes it sound like they've definitely picked what formation they're going with and they will not change.

What about one team, one theme? That's all right, yeah. Shellfish in brackets. There's a speed awareness campaign near where I live. Yes, I know. Well, you would know that, because I believe you. Didn't you have to go and do it as a result of speed? I mean, there's an actual campaign.

I've got to go on one, so you're going to have to talk me through it. There's an actual poster campaign in an area near me where they want people to drive at 20 miles an hour. Now, you'd think that they would have gone, like many boroughs have, with 20's plenty as the poster campaign. Was that what they've gone for, is it? No, they've gone for 20's enough, which is not... Oh, no. It doesn't rhyme. They really missed the trick there.

I mean, everyone knows 20's plenty. Why didn't they just go with 20's plenty? Like, did they think they were too good for it? 20's plenty is what Gary Neville said when he bought... For two Euro 2016 squads at the same time. That'll be enough 20, won't it? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. 391 has texted regarding... Do we call them... We don't call them chemtrails. We call them contrails. Okay, let's call them contrails. Yeah, the plane trails. The white, steamy bits that follow planes around. Let's call them that. Yep. 39 the plane trails. The white steamy bits that follow planes around. Let's call them that.

Yep, 391 says it's a plume of condensation caused by water vapour from burning fuel. Absolute 80s. How come Frank got wealthier than me and doesn't even know the basics? Now, there's quite a lot to unpack here, I think. Yeah, I mean, people do get wealthier than other people without necessarily having the same knowledge base.

What's your response to that, Frank? And also, I'm not certain that this is basics. I don't consider this basics. I consider this very sophisticated information. The science of contrails slash chemtrails is... We did promise we wouldn't talk about this anyway. OK, we won't talk about this. However, we can talk about, we can answer the question,

how come Frank got wealthier than me and doesn't even know the basics? Well, here's the thing. Look, I was sent a book this week. Yeah. It's called Houseman Country. And it's a book about the life of the poet A.E. Houseman and his respective work. I was also sent a book of poetry by a poet called Luke Kennard.

That's the kind of guy I am. I know about the arts. Oh, right. Oh, my God, that's so cute. So, you know, what comes out of aeroplanes, other than passengers, I'm not that interested in. That's why I just played that song. I didn't play it on Absolute 80s or any of the other Decade channels,

so I'm leaving this bit alone. Thank God this isn't live. That may have answered 110's text to you, which is, how come you've never been on Top Gear as well? A lot of questions for you this morning. It's a lot of questions this morning, Frank. I've turned down Top Gear on several occasions. Have you?

Yeah. Mm-hm. Because, um, why did I turn it down? It was... There's some driving. Yeah. I haven't worked my guts off to drive myself. LAUGHTER So, no, I've never done Top Gear, I haven't worked my guts off to drive myself.

So, no, I've never done Top Gear, and it looks like I'm running out of time. That could be a reference to my health. Might be on for a bit longer. Neil from the Isle of Wight has suggested a good team slogan. Isle of Wight! Isle of Wight! Sorry, it's in the absolute guidebook that if it's the Isle of Wights mentioned this week you have to sell it, you're having a great time. Yeah.

Um, a slogan. You're having a great time with the Isle of Wights! Come on! Sorry, carry on now. He says, uh, was it you that said that the team bus says one team one dream, Hor? Yes. Yeah. Oh yes, one scheme as Frank says it should be. One scheme. He's saying talking price of fish, one team, one dream. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yes. One scheme, as Frank says.

One scheme. He's saying talking price of fish, one team, one bream. Oh, that would be, that's Gary Neville. Yes, Gary Neville. Gary Neville drives a Tok Tok at the side. Yes.

From which he dispenses sea life. One team, one bream. Can you chop it into 24 fillets, please? Give all the reserves one as well. Absolutely excellent stuff. I'm just trying to... What's going on? It's all right.

I've just had a note. What? It's block capitals. No need to shout. OK. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank, how about we take a little trip down to the corner? I take a little wander on a Sunday morning, really. Come on, everybody, really is a treat. Is this that Doolittle character? No, no, it's what my dad used to sing. It's about people waiting for the pub to open. Oh, is it? Anyway, here we go. Knee by gum,

knee by gum, knee by gum, corner, corner, corner. Nevermore Northern. So we're in, okay, we're there. We've had an email in from Derek Dup, 006. Derek? Dup. D-U-P-P.

I know, he's Brother Donald. He lives 30 kilometres from the Cambodian border. Does he? I often listen to the podcast of The Frank Skinner Show as I titivate my water spinach in our back paddy. Ah, ca-ca-ca-ca-ca. It usually raises a smile with me. But this week, it rang so many bells

that I feel compelled to write Read the Keytones pin number thingy. Oh, yes. Do you want to just remind everyone? Yes, I was wondering if one learnt the notes. You know when you put your pin number in? Sorry, your pin. Yes.

Well, I think he's done that on purpose. Yes, he has. And it goes... But if you learn what those were you could stand behind someone and memorize the tune you'd know what their number was that was what you mooted wasn't that was my that was my moot yes so he continues james bond 007 oh that james bond yeah i'm not sure he uses the second part, yeah. It's like 131. No, that's his PIN number. Yeah.

No, that's when he checks into the show, Frank. If you're James Bond and somebody said, can you put in a three-digit number for security? Yeah. He's going to think, well. Come on. It's glaring, isn't it? Yeah, he's not going to be like you, password one written on your hand.

No, he does password two sometimes now. It's the one that falls them. They don't see that coming. James Bond 007 knows the answer to this dilemma on account of him having opened the evil enemy Hugo Drax's Venice office door by memorising and re-keying the door lock tones. Oh, did he? I don't remember that.

So this must have been in, was that in Casino Royale? I don't know. I don't remember. Which one? 8, 12, 15. that in Casino Royale? I don't know. I don't remember. Anyway. 8, 12, 15. He proved it's possible, and so it therefore must be possible too, with ATM machines. He's done it again, the ATM machine. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Brilliant. As well as the door tone exercise, he also shot a sniper out of a tree, piloted a gondola that transformed into a hovercraft, blew a space station to smithereens, and enjoyed a liaison with a lady... I don't know if I can say this lady's name, it's so rude. It is, but that is part of the Bond thing, isn't it, I suppose?

But, yeah, you're right. I don't like it. Go on, say it. Dr Goodhead. They were... LAUGHTER Oh, there you are. Let's come back to this, because I'm... Let's find out what film it is, and then we can delve. OK.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Personally, I prefer football, football, I like football, I'd go anywhere, see my favourite team. Catch me if

you can. Sorry. Anyway. So, what were we talking about? Oh, James Bond, Frank. We were trying to find out which film. And we've looked up the switchboard again. There was a great James Bond film, apparently, where he inserted numbers into a chip and pin machine. Oh, God, my heart went there. I can't remember a James Bond film, apparently, where he inserted numbers into a chip in a pin machine.

I can't remember a James Bond film where he hadn't inserted something. Anyway, he got into someone's flat. He got into someone's flat. I bet he did.

He got into someone's... James Bond's 007 did the pin number in A View to a Kill. The notes were those from Close Encounters. I don't remember that. But... Hold on. That's more than four numbers.

Hang on. Maybe they just stopped after... Five. It was a five number in those days. Maybe. But anyway, we've also had people saying it's Moonraker, so I think... Anyway, look, here's...

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll, er... I'll do four digits, right? Oh, OK. And see if you can tell me. Go on, then. Here we are, right? Let's hear it, Frank.

See if you can tell me. Go on then. Here we are, right. Let's hear it, Frank. What do you think? Do you want to hear that again? I'll tell you what, I think that is great radio. Here we go. That's good, Frank.

I think that's 0203. You see, that's why it'll never work. Is that wrong? It was actually, as Tom Robinson would say, two, four, six, eight. Okay. Yeah. Oh, you've told them too soon.

I thought we could have a big long texting where people just send it in full random digits. Why? Have we got other stuff to do? Yeah. I was behind this German bloke in the queue the other day and I heard him put his pin in. How'd it go?

I'll tell you in a minute. OK. Because I recorded it especially. Oh! That was it. Frank, we've had someone tweet us as well, just to alert you to the fact that password one is not secure at all, Frank. If you need some great online safety advice,

you should check out their website. OK. Good advice. that password one is not secure at all, Frank. If you need some great online safety advice, you should check out their website. OK. Good advice. I'll switch it to two. OK. Yeah, password two's always definitely... It'd be great. Next time I go into a restaurant

and they come off and ask for the pin, I say, do you want the actual number or just the sheet music? What about when you ring up and they say, could you give me the third digit of your pin? You won't know this, but this is what your PA goes through, Frank. So they say, could you give me the third digit?

And then I start saying, oh, and then I say it aloud and they go, don't tell me the whole thing! Well, I trust you, you're an employee. They get very funny. Do you find that, Al? Yeah, yeah, definitely. I'm not aware of this phenomenon at all. I must be.

Well, do you ever get asked for the third and then the sixth digit? Yeah, Frank finds it easy, just goes, well... Have a good night. Hang on. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Somebody has emailed saying password recommendation. Use a line of lyrics from a song.

So you just pick a song that obviously you know really well. And then that's your password. You don't have that kind of scope, do you? I also heard a recommendation that you should use... How many numbers? Characters. Is that what you're concerned with? Oh, yeah, it's called Characters. I also heard a recommendation that you should use... How many numbers or letters? Characters. Is that what you're concerned with? Oh, yeah, it's called Characters. Sorry, I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening.

I don't know what the limit is. My nose has started bleeding. What's wrong? Listen, I've had a lovely bit of praise. We don't do praise. I know, but this doesn't... If it's just for you, it's all right. No, this was before you were famous, so I think that's fine. OK.

It's civilian praise, essentially. Rebecca Hiscox. Frank is a very intelligent man. He was my A-level English literature lecturer many years ago at Hales Owen College. Yes. Hashtag good times. Hey.

Now... Come on! There you go. I look white! Sorry, that was inappropriate. I was celebrating academia. Now. Come on. There you go. I'm white! Sorry, that was inappropriate. I was celebrating academia. Yeah. No, that's lovely.

Isn't that lovely, Rebecca? Thank you, Rebecca. Loves the arts, doesn't he? That's why he's not done Top Gear. Oh, I love the arts. Hashtag good times. Yeah. Yeah.

Not at that. No. I could use that as a password, maybe. Yeah, don't use it as a catchphrase, though. Hashtag good times. I don't think it'll end well. Anyway. Use a line of lyrics from a song.

I also once heard on a programme, maybe radio, maybe television, that you could use an old car registration number, because obviously you commit them to memory for a period of time, don't you? I don't know mine now. Yeah. I don't either. Every time I'm asked, I have to go out and have a look. I don't know it. Oh. All right. Well, that's terrible advice, then. I'll take it back. Yeah. I don't either. Every time I'm asked, I have to go out and have a look. I don't know it.

Oh. Alright. Well, that's terrible advice then. I'll take it back. Yeah. We've got a lot on. Fair enough. Do you remember any of them, though, from, like, your past? Do you remember your first car or your favourite car? No, I don't remember any of that stuff. Oh, well, this is a really bad bit of

past work. He didn't have a car in his condition? Well, I had a car after I stopped drinking. Oh, OK. Yeah. Anyway, let's move on. OK, we should talk about a very entrepreneurial couple of ladies in New Zealand. I told you not to bring that up on me. Oh, sorry, it's not a news story.

It's a bit of gossip that I've heard. It's a court case I'm involved in at the moment. Well, while you're on the show, I'd like to talk to you about these... These girls have set up a business. You know, sometimes you read a news story and you go, I can't believe that doesn't exist already. No, but I think good ideas, that probably... If someone has a good idea, you think, well, that must have been had before.

So here's what it is. There are a couple of girls who love cleaning and they've set up a cleaning business for people who've had a party the night before. People who've had a heavy night. So they do the party clean-up, which is an awful idea. I went out with Sir Elton John once. They provide pain...

He was what, 19 stone? That was just the hair. They provide pain killers. Oh, yeah. They provide... Oh, I've got to stop you there. Oh, yeah? Have you ever been in any sort of work context

and you've said to someone, can I get, if you haven't got any paracetamol, they say, oh, we can't give those out. Oh, yes, I have been in that. John's Ambulance they said we can't give those out oh yes i have been in that john's ambulance and all's connect can't give those out but two two cleaners turn up and they're happy to dispense have you ever had this where they go i can't give you painkillers but there's some aspirin on that desk there i know that's kind of we have that yeah i've had that happen i think in the health and safety um world you generally don't dispense stuff with the word killer in it that's that's what they're again god last week i lent emily my video of driller killer is

that fine well i i used to uh i used to go to a lot of um killer whale rental um outlets and that's why they started using the word orca oh Oh, is it? They used that because there was a period where there was too much paperwork. They bring up breakfast for you? They do bring up breakfast, the orcas. That's because they swim round and round in a circle and I warn them.

Yeah, it makes them dizzy. Now out it comes. Horrible to see as well. Ten gambas last time. Still, we managed to get rid of them. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

457 Dawn has texted, Morning, Frank, Divine Miss M and the Cockerel. I remember the number plate of my dad's prized car, an old Daimler from when I was a young child. Oh, I like the sound of him, Frank. Bit of an Arthur Daly. TWP366F. Memorised. I'm having that.

It was memorised as twerp leap year Fred. It's stayed with me all these years. Never thought to use it as a password. Great tip. Thanks, Al. Finally, the Cockerel gets the respect due on this show. It's only five years. Let's talk about Zlatan. Exactly.

He's referring to himself as a person. Finally, the cockerel gets his praise. I spoke to a Swedish lady on Friday and she told me that... You know we're on air. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know we're on air. Are we on air? I've told you not to ring those doorbells and so on.

And she said that Zlatan is top of the voting to go on the new note. Brilliant. Is he? He's going to be on the currency. That would be fantastic, wouldn't it? We've also had a text, 787 has said, Does Frank's academic praise count as a late review? Oh, yes.

I think it does. Yeah, that was a good lecture 28 years ago. said, does Frank's academic praise count as a late review? Oh, yes. Yeah, that was a good lecture 28 years ago. I think you'd be a very good teacher. Anyway, these cleaning ladies, these cleaning ladies. These cleaning ladies, what are they up to? Can't believe that that hadn't been thought of before. She just hangs around. People don't want to get up and clean after a big night of partying. Well, you say that.

Can I just say, this is in Auckland. Oh, right. As someone who's lived in New Zealand and is half New Zealand, I can say... Are you half New Zealand? I am. North or south? They're not big on the wild parties from Wellington. Are they?

No. I'm just saying that. You don't think they're big on the wild parties? No, it's quite a Calvinistic society. There were some photographs of the debris, and it looked really messy. Yeah, it's more of a Calvin-Harris-istic society. Eh?

Very good. My mum hung out some Union Jack Y-fronts once, and they nearly called the police. Oh, that sounds like an overreaction to underwear. Anyway. It's a political statement is there a more disgusting sight on earth than cigarettes in a drink glass i mean you know that i said that to slaven this morning but he wouldn't listen if they're taking on that job you know these people clean up vomit at ten10 a pop. Well, that's... A pop of vomit?

There is something brilliant about them offering the whole thing, but the trouble is, as what I remember from my drinking days, is what I'd need them to bring is a bottle of Perna for me to have first thing in the morning so that I could breathe again. Well, they said they'd bring a dog. What about a hair of the dog? Why do they bring the dog? Hair of the dog. That's what... Oh, maybe said they bring a dog. What about a hair of the dog? Why do they bring the dog?

Hair of the dog. That's what... Oh, maybe that's what they do. Just shave a bit off and give one to each party guest. Imagine you'd be thinking, oh, that'll be the perno or the sherry, and then it is a dog. No, they bring an actual dog. Yeah, they say... I read that. That's part... But they sort of brag about it. Is it a really hairy dog

and it helps clean the floor? They just get it to walk around? You don't. I You're the last thing you want. When I hang over, do you want a dog jumping, licking your dog germs on your mouth? Can I tell you what's worse? They chat to you. I don't know about you, but you may remember, Frank, when you're hungover, I don't want to,

how are you going? No. How are you doing? I want them to bring a pigeon to get rid of the vomit. This is Frank Skinner at Slip Radio. We were talking about these

cleaners that offer a party cleaning, a party after-party cleaning service. That's the word, isn't it? Like the morning after, the night before, as it were. I imagine you just lie there, don't you, and they come and clean because you feel terrible. Yeah, I think so. But they're still going to be...

Do you think they have specially muted vacuums and stuff? Oh, yeah, you don't want the noise. I hadn't even thought of that. Well, I said that I couldn't believe that that service didn't already exist and we've had an email that is titled Fun Fact, which is bold is bold you know it's a lot to live up to isn't it but i think it does how rarely the two go together hi frank alan and emily

talking of things you can't believe didn't already exist did you know that sir isaac newton polymath and genius mathematician ran a ran a cleanup They then add, and not very nice man, apparently. Was he not? I don't know. Late review. I didn't know him. But... Not very nice man.

Sir Isaac Newton. 576 claims... I hate Sir Isaac Newton. He's so selfish. If you think about it, though, his initials- Yeah? Are sin. Oh, yeah. Oh. So that's a bit of a- That's maybe a giveaway. That's a subliminal message.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, he's sin number- 576 is claiming that Sir Isaac Newton, polymath and genius mathematician- Come on, I'm sorry to interrupt again, Al. Again? But when they say not very nice man, was this late gossip? Or was it on his Wikipedia page? Or did he know someone who knows someone who's told him that he wasn't a very nice man? I think you'd probably find they know someone who knew someone who knew someone who knew someone who knew someone for about ten minutes. Yeah.

Anyway, there must be biographical evidence, I'm presuming. Unless this is a deliberate smear campaign. Get your heads around this. Apparently, Sir Isaac Newton invented the cat flap. presume unless this is a deliberate smear campaign get your heads around this apparently sir isaac newton invented the cat flap the cat flap i mean i've misread it as flat cap about four times in my head whilst waiting to say that to you yeah but he did not invent the flat cap that we know of but he invented the cat flap that's absolutely tremendous that is because he hated animals not very nice man, apparently.

I've just made up another lie about him. See how they're like that. He was letting them in. We don't know it's a lie, do we? He was letting them out. He'd only went out. It was only an exit cat flap that he invented, so the cat went out and was killed.

Hang on, he was in olden times, fam. Was killed by falling fruit. He was in olden times. He was in olden times. What was the cat flap made of? Metal? Wood? What? Oh, how- No, I can buy that Sir Isaac Newton invented the cat flap, yeah.

Oh. For sure. Respect to Munda. You know what I think should exist? I think there should be a thing- This is a great- you know what I think should exist? I think there should be a thing that undoes hot shoes for you so that you don't have to reach down. You know when your feet are really hot and you think, oh, I'd love these looser. Oh. And you just can't be bothered putting your... There should be an app for that.

Al, can I tell you where I think there should be a thing? Is a list of all the people Frank says respect to Mondo to. This morning, we've had Isaac Newton for inventing a wooden cat flap and Slavin Billich for smoking. Yes. Well, how often the great thing Slavin Bilic for smoking. Yes. Well, how often the great thing is Slavin,

you know, if it's getting a bit dense in there, can just put his foot down, just open the old wooden cat flap, let a bit of smoke out. Oh. It's interesting what we all admire. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm just thinking, with the cat flap... Yeah, the Isaac Newton wooden cat flap.

Yeah. Not flat cat. With all thanks to Madam Sin, Isaac Newton. A service that I... Something I hate doing in the mornings is shaving. Oh, yeah, you don't like that. I've always hated shaving. I've been doing it for a long time, never got into it.

Have you ever considered the beard? No? No, but what I'm thinking about... What about this for a service? In the morning, I get up, I go over to my solid oak cat flap, as invented by... Isaac Newton, nasty piece of work. I draw the flap in.

I put my head out the cat flap. Meanwhile, the door-to-door shaving service comes and shaves me. Why do you have to do it through the cat flap? I don't want them in the house. Why? For the bits. We've got stuff. You don't want the bits

all over the place, do you? No, exactly. They can hose me down. It's just going to go on the front. Steps are going to be on the carpet. How small would the shaver have to be? Why? Well, if you're at the cat flap level, in order to shave your hair. Of course they could, Neil. They'd have specially knee-padded

trousers for it. Like electricians. And I'd say come back at um can you come back at i'm going out tonight come back about half past six um for the cufflinks and then i'll just lie with my arms out at the cat or they could tie your shoelace i'm all right with shoelaces cufflinks there's too many it's the fact you're going to what about that old neighbor i used to have he used to knock on my door and ask me to tie his shoelaces. I said, buy some loafers. Did you? Yes. Friendly. So I did and I shut the door.

What was the matter with them? Well, exactly. Bad bag. You tell me. Just age, maybe. Lack of a girlfriend? It's a chat-up line, isn't it? Yeah. Can you tie my shoe? It's not one I've tried. We know where that's going.

Anyway. These girls in the uh article about cleaning describe themselves as self-confessed cleaning freaks which i just don't think that that's like a big embarrassing confession no but what they're saying that they've you know they've they've said it themselves they haven't been named and shamed locally there's no shame in it, though, is there? There's no, like, oh, I'm really clean. Like, I'm not. I'm a slob. But I have to be a self-confessed, scruffy, untidy person, don't I? That's a confession, because it's not a good thing.

But you'd get a lot more work, wouldn't you, in Great Britain, doing post-party cleaning up? Me personally, rather than my stand-up career. Anyway, this is what I'm moving towards. Give me a fixed stare then, Frank. This is so awkward. I can't bear it. Well, I'm... Surely someone should start this over here.

Yes. I'd be great at this. I think it's going to be a very difficult business to copyright. Would they come to me on a central reservation in Birmingham? Just to sort of clean me off. But you two would be great, because you'd get cheered up as well. You'd get the jokes, there's the comedy element. But you don't want that when you've got a hangover or anything.

Oh, lucky Cass doesn't drink then. I mean, imagine having a hangover and having Frank come round and go, All the way! Whatever it is that he says every ten seconds. That's what's put the glass ceiling on our listening figures on the show. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I said a moment ago that I was actually quite scruffy and untidy,

but I've been doing a little bit of cleaning around the house myself. I've got a chore. You know when you divvy up the chores of the household? What chores? You're very kind of you. I'll have a double scotch. I have realised that my brain is not very good for tidiness but I'm okay with cleaning the bathrooms. We've got a small utility room on the ground floor with a toilet. With the white goods? And yeah, toilet and a little sink.

Second floor, we've got a full bathroom. Top floor, we've got an en suite. Oh, wow. It's all right. I'm not interested in buying it. I'm just telling you the layout because it's now my job to clean the bathrooms. And I've got a system. What I like to do is I go in with the, you know, the squirty gun thing?

Oh, yeah. Go in, spray everything that's shiny, and then I go up to the, you know the squirty gun thing? Go in, spray everything that's shiny and then I go up to the next floor and spray everything that's shiny and then the next floor again, spray everything that's shiny and then I work my way back down to the bottom and then I clean it all. But meanwhile, the spray that I've done on floor two and floor three is starting to get in at the dirt, yeah? You see, I'd start at the top just in case there's a leak. Then when you get in at the dirt, yeah? You see, I'd start at the top, just in case there's a leak. Then when you get down, the one below's already half done.

Let me see. Yeah, but when you see it all lovely and pristine and sparkling, when you've let toilet dark, do you use that? Oh, I do the actual... Can we say other... Sorry, other ones are available. I'm so sorry. I mean, I do... There is a method to my madness, Frank.

I'm glad you said that, because what I do is I go back downstairs. I'm in sorry. I mean, I do... There is a method to my madness, Frank. I'm glad you said that. Because what I do is I go back downstairs. I'm in the utility room. I clean the... I look up. I clean the utility room. And then I go up to the second floor. And then I get the shower and spray in the bath and do all...

You know, I do it all properly. And then at the top deck, I clean all the shiny stuff in the en suite bathroom. And then, this is important detail, I clean all the shiny stuff in the en-suite bathroom and then, this is important detail, I strip fully naked and I clean the shower in the top deck bathroom and then I shower myself. Oh I see, because you're covered in cleaning stuff. Yeah, yeah, I've done a bit of sweating. And grime. It's a slight cardio workout actually.

And grime, yeah. I'm surprised that cleaners aren't more shredded if you, if you take my point. If there's any clean cardio workout, actually. I'm surprised that cleaners aren't more shredded, if you take my point. If there's any cleaners listening, I'm sorry about that crass generalisation. I know many of you are lithe to the extreme. It was so unpleasant, the sort of thing Isaac Newton would have said. Yeah, yeah. I know, yeah. God, he was.

What's the matter with him? He's been trolling me on Twitter all morning. Has he really? Sick of him. Sir Isaac Newton? Yes! Oh, you know, one bad apple... I'm going to have to look into Isaac Newton now.

I want to find out what was monstrous about him. Why he was such a nasty piece of work. Exactly. It's great, isn't it? I think it could be a really, really lights me a campaign. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. The anti-gravity people.

You think? Yeah. Tim Peake. Yeah, Tim Peake. Tim Peake coming back. Let's hit the fundamentalist gravity people. By the way, I've been sent a bag of free pepperami. Wow.

Other bathroom cleaners are... Yeah, but it really sent a bag of free pepperami. Wow. Other bathroom cleaners are... Yeah, but it really smelt this morning in the studio. Yeah, but with a major football tournament, there's a big advantage to just being able to reach across. Oh, yeah. That's true. So I'm going to sit next to a mound, I think. A mound of sausage?

Yeah, a mound of sausage. I think that's a collected noun for sausage. Julius texted, I too clean the bathroom naked. It just makes sense. Thanks, Julie. Julie or Julius? Julie. Okay, makes a big difference to my visual image. Tell Alan I'm a naked shower cleaner.

Hashtag respect. Wow! It says a lot of it about. It says a lot of it about. Just makes sense, as Julie said. Neil, I share Cockrell's cleaning technique. Emoji of a thumb of it about. It's a lot of it about. Just makes sense, as Julie says. Neil, I share Cockrell's cleaning technique. Emoji of a thumb held aloft. Oh, God, David, he's very thorough. Anyway, I hope there's a J-cloth draped over it. And thank you so much for listening this morning.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.