The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Childhood Tailor

Episode Date: April 13, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has seen the new Dumbo film, had a celebrity conundrum and listened to some jazz. The team also discuss stolen Instagram handles, commas in song titles and capes.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, I should say every week I read that introduction to the show three times the beginning of every hour yes welcome to this is you can text us on and i wonder if uh are you familiar with the uh modern phenomenon skip intro no if you watch a show on, say, Netflix... Oh, yes.

Yes. I get that on the iPlayer sometimes. I think it's really one of the great inventions of the 21st century, Skip Intro. Yeah. Do you use it a lot, then, Skip Intro? I do, you know, I do use it. A, because if I'm watching a couple of shows, or if I'm watching shows regularly,

if I'm making my way through a series, I don't want to keep watching that intro. You don't want to previously on Merlin. But more importantly, I've met so many op themselves,

so-ho media types who make the intro to television. I love the idea that their work is not being seen by millions. Perfect.

What I like, Frank, is I think you sort of skip intro in life, in social situations often, because people will dance around and do the pleasantries. And Frank's straight in there sometimes with a comment. I think it's to do with getting older. They're running out of time. If I meet people people i like to cut like when when i used to do a chat show in the 1990s and early 2000s you'd find that people they're a bit um they start off a bit

scratch i don't know if you find this in your interviewing uh on on your dog walk podcast but people start off often a bit slow and then they get really, really good in the middle and then they train off a bit. So you cut off the front and then you cut off the end. And I thought, why not just do that live and just go in for the interesting stuff? So I met a woman, it was over the road from my mother-in-law. They're having sherry across the road.

It was something like Boxing Day morning. And I said, and a woman said, oh, very nice to meet you. And I said, what were your school years like? That was my opening question. And we got very quickly to a point where she said, well, I went, I hated school. I went to a school that was on top of a very steep hill.

And I said, was it on top of a steep hill though? Or do you think you're hating it? Put it on top of a steep hill in or do you think you're hating it put it on top of a steep hill in your memory because the whole thing was a struggle and she said you know what I'm not sure it was, I've never thought of that but I'm not sure it was, I felt my work there

was done. Except when you left and they shut the door and she said never bring that man round again She challenged me on everything I said from moment one She couldn't have said that. She was hanging from one of the rafters. No, she wasn't. Can I say she wasn't?

No. Let's make that absolutely clear. Frank, I know we don't do praise, but Professor Kate Williams has called you the most quotable person she's ever met on a BBC programme. That's lovely. What programme? Quote on quote.

Quote on quote. She quoted you on the programme. She didn't mean that you were the most quotable person that she'd ever met on a BBC programme. Yes, exactly. That's lovely. Isn't grammar important? Isn't that nice?

Professor K. Mike C actually sent that in. He was wondering if maybe you could have a think about who your answer would be. It's probably one of us, isn't it? It's probably one of us. Most quotable person I've met. Oh, hang on a sec, Al.

Just get us up and ready. Probably. I think if I... Emily might be one of mine. Getting ready, getting ready. Big moment coming. I think Emily would be up there, but I think it would perhaps be my partner.

Or my son. Oh, yeah. Just because of... My partner has good answers said things good answers yeah said things like

slightly evasive but good answers no but Kath Kath Nelson Adela I was hoping for but Kath they're wrong things

almost always but brilliantly wrong when she said to me someone looked at her at work like a goldfish in the headlights yeah what a drive When she said to me, someone looked at her at work like a goldfish in the headlights. Yeah, what a drive that must have been.

Senator Edward Kennedy, quote. I got that. Yeah, thanks for getting that. That's why you were on to get those. Because it's me and you, the rest of the nation, going, can you Google Senator Edward Kennedy in Goldfish? Yeah. See what we get. We're being stricter this week on the fares.

When the fares arrives, we end the link. I'll be stopping mid-sentence. Brilliant. Which I think is a quote from Ronnie Biggs. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to... I took my child, who's six, to the cinema this week. And when we arrived, we arrived a bit early.

And there was another film showing. And it was a Bohemian Rhapsody. Wow. The Freddie... Is it a Freddie Mercury biopic or a Queen biopic? It is, darling. It is. You call it Freddie Mercury. I would call it Freddie Mercury. Okay, so...

So we opened the door and there was Queen at Live Aid. Now, Buzz loves Queen, but he's six and I just thought there'll be stuff, there'll be swearing and right stuff in this film oh yes so i said you know and he said i don't really want to see this and someone said to

me well first of all they said to me well don't you know someone who can do a version and just cut all that out and i love it when people think i've got much more power and significance than i actually have of course I don't. But then someone else said to me, oh, you should get the Chinese version because it's very heavily censored. Oh, that sounds perfect. Yeah. And also your son

speaks fluent Mandarin, doesn't he? Well, I've got a couple of questions. I mean, first of all, I looked into the Chinese Bohemian Rhapsody. Did you? And, yeah. Extraordinary.

Oh, I so wanted to do the voice now doing the song. No, I... You can't. I was wondering about that, Al. You should be able to do that because you're supposed to... Satire, you're supposed to aim up rather than down. This is true, the superpowers. Chinese are absolutely on a roll economically.

It's like the American accent. Anyway, don't worry, I'm not doing it. But anyway, when I looked it up, before we get too warm and affectionate towards the Chinese

as a nation, the main cost... I'm sure there is that danger. No, you're all right. Well, I don't know. I'm quite fascinated. I've never been to China. I didn't say you weren't

fascinated. Haven't you? I've never been to China. I didn't say you weren't fascinated. Haven't you? I've never been to me. No. I've been to Beijing. I've never been to you either. Perhaps we could go together. I've been to Beijing.

Lovely. Oh, yes, of course. I remember, Nate. Did you see what my son calls the panna cotta army? What's he called? Did you say the... I saw everything. The Terrys.

Yeah. The Terrys. Our Terrys. Oh, I tell. I called them the our Terrys. I was thinking about that. Do you know mosquitoes? Yeah.

I was looking at how many people mosquitoes kill in a year. I mean... Is it a lot? It's a lot. Isn't it? A lot more than terrorism, for example. Par example. And yet we happily call them mozzies.

As if they're cute little things. You'd never call terrorists terries, would you? Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of terrorists that got arrested. You'd never say that. No, you're right, you wouldn't. You wouldn't. Anyway, let me get on with this. So the main thing that the Chinese caught,

as I believe the French... It's a wide-ranging link, this, isn't it? The French call the... It's a really wide-ranging topic. The French call them the chinois, I believe. So the main thing that the chinois caught, what would it be, le? Oh, God. Le or la?

I don't know. Anyway, this is not so good. They cut most of the gay stuff from it. Right. Now, we can't approve of that. No. But if they have... How long was that film?

Seven minutes? I haven't seen the film, so I don't... Trying to put it out as a gif or something. But a Freddie Mercury without that seems misleading I was going to finish intolerable to me

it's like two men kissing has been caught I don't mind him seeing that I just don't want him seeing too much swearing and drug

taking so I think it might be the wrong thing but if they took out that plus everything but here's what I was

well I'll have to ask you because the fest has arrived because I've seen it yes and I will tell you because they've sanitised the narcotics well that's good

that's good that's a step in the right direction guys I mean I could just press if I had to skip narcotics button I could sort that

in one go so what I was I could sort that in one go. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So what I was wondering about, anyway, with the Chinese Bohemian Rhapsody... Oh, yeah. ..is when they subtitle a film in Chinese, do the subtitles go down the side? Oh, great question.

Because they can't run along the bottom because the Chinese write downwards. No, they do go along the bottom because I've seen some subtitled in, well, if it's Cantonese or Mandarin, I've seen that because I've come across, I'm not saying I've accessed them myself You watch a lot of moody DVDs don't you

A lot of moody stuff I might have come across films that weren't from this neck of the woods and that's how I don't understand that If you write downwards how do they do it

Good question I'll call some of my friends in Shanghai If you write downwards, how do they do it? Good question. I don't know. I'll call some of my friends in Shanghai. If you could. If anyone knows, there must be someone Chinese or of Chinese connection. Arthur Jones has been in touch. He's listening live in Shanghai. Is he?

So perhaps he can point us in the right direction. Yeah. He knew someone who skipped intros. He said his parents had a friend who in his college used to approach women after gigs. He was a drummer. I'm not sure I've heard about... No, I don't know why this is... No, I don't.

I've just come to it. But, you know, it's nice that you're in Shanghai. Perhaps you could help us with a more practical issue, Arthur. You see, you know, like on BBC Breakfast. Yes. They tend to have a sort of a slightly older man sitting on the left. Yes. And then a woman sitting on the right.

And if you remember, there's quite a big controversy about this. Because the theory is because we read from left to right, then it gives importance to the person who you are looking at on that side of the screen. Oh, is that right? Yeah, so I think they've tried to fight it a bit. David Baddiel always

sat in the power position. He always in the power position. Maybe he knew about it, but I didn't. Did he? In China, the men sit on the women's shoulders. Oh, right. Which makes it difficult for a 14 by 9 screen. Yeah.

Good point. So you didn't go to BoRap? No, no. We went to... What did you see instead? We saw Dombo. Oh. New Dombo.

Lovely. Nude. No, nude. Well, he was nude saw dombo oh new dombo lovely not not no no well he was he was nude i know the new dump he wore a sort of head head harness once he got made it big how is the new so it's a sort of cgi dumbo well i'll tell you what it is it's um it's songs anthropomorphic It's sans anthropomorphique. What? Is it? Yeah. Sans anthropomorphique. That should have been on the poster.

Then we know who he's dealing with. So is Dumbo a mute? Doesn't speak. The mouse, you know, the fast-talking sort of fixer mouse. He is in like, I won't spoil it for anyone, but most people know the story. No, please don't spoil it, because obviously I'm going to see it on Saturday night.

But he's just a bit, you just see him in a cage somewhere. He's got the outfit on, but there's no speaking animals. What? Hang on, I mean, what sort of a part is that for the mouse? You know, when he's born, the other elephants say, what kind of a baby is? Well, she always was pretty full of herself.

That serves her right. All that's gone. No sans anthropomorphique. I've said it. And there's human beings in this film. Oh, there's plenty of human beings. Which ones? He's ridden by a beautiful French woman instead of a mouse. Oh.

That sounds like an upgrade. I know. Don't get me wrong. I really liked it. Strange for Buzz though. Has he seen the originale? Or has he just? He has seen French. He has seen the original.

I'm brushing up on my French. Ah. Yes. Okay. Très bon. Thank you. For Brexit. That's the worst possible time, isn't it? Yeah.

To brush up on it. I've been reading the papers. Time, then, is everything. Yeah, whereas you see, I'm watching like a Chinese stuff. Our new trade deals. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Like a Chinese stuff. Our new trade deals. I don't know whether Arthur Jones, based in Shanghai, is having a laugh.

He's left Dad's army. He said, I'm just subtitling a film for release in China, funnily enough. So this is all quite apropos for me. And? Well, then he leaves us hanging. Oh, it doesn't tell us if it's... Arthur, come on. Is it top to bottom, Arthur? Put us out of our misery, Art.

I like the fact that you're keeping swearing from Buzz. I can't say that I'm that good a dad. Do you swear around the house? I do. I'm afraid I do a bit. And in fact, my daughter said the other day, I know why daddy swears so much at home.

It's because he's not allowed to on the radio. Well, you see, I think that's why I think... Three hours a week. I think it's good to have a place that you don't swear. So you develop the skill of not swearing. That's a good idea. If you are doing breakfast or something. Can I just apologise to of not swearing. That's a good idea. If you are doing breakfast or something.

Can I just apologise to Arthur Jones? Oh. That's it. No, he says, modern Chinese is written left to right, just like English. Oh, who knew? Arthur Jones knew.

I didn't. I never, wow. Love it. Arthur Jones, you've been gone too long. Good info. That is really didn't. Wow. Love it. Arthur Jones, you've been gone too long. Good info. Damn, that is really good info. Wow. Oh, I'll tell you what else happened,

and this is something else that I might want to run by our readers. You know, I've always had a real problem with jazz. No, I did not know that at all. I've tried with jazz, but I... I haven't even tried. Oh, I've tried some, but... Absolutely awful. I don not know that I've tried with jazz but I I haven't even tried oh I terrible I've tried with some but

absolutely awful don't know what I just can't I mean I like the idea of it yeah anyway I checked into a hotel this week what

and you know it's a bit sleazy what do you mean what jazz what to listen to jazz no because you know when you walk into a hotel and they have the radio on,

they have the radio and all the lights on in your room when you go in. Oh, I can't bear that. As a sort of a welcome. It's horrible. Yeah, as if I can't walk into a dark, silent room. Well, I don't know what my friends in the S&M community would say.

But anyway, so I walked in, they had Radio 3 on, because I think what they think is people like to walk into a room with classical music and it makes them think, oh, this is a nice, calm hotel. Anyway, Radio 3, as you may or may not know, have the occasional bit of jazz on there. Yeah.

So I walked in and they had, there was some jazz playing. What sort of jazz was it? It was a bit of that, yeah. Or was it like... No, it was... Some of it is blind. No, that's psycho jazz. It was probably a thing called psycho jazz.

I wouldn't be surprised. But anyway, it sounded like old jazz. And so I was unpacking and I thought, I found myself sort of going. And I thought, oh, my God, I actually like this jazz. Yeah. I like it. So the fabulous thing about, there's many things wrong with the internet, but the great thing is if you hear a record on the radio,

you can go and look up and it'll tell you what was playing at that time. No, this was just like, if you go onto their website, they give you a list of what they play. So, Lo and Behold. Yes. Stranger. That's how Bob Dylan says it on the basement tapes. Lo and Behold, Lo and Behold.

Anyway, it was a theolonious monk doing a song called Straight No Chaser. Lovely. I've listened to it about ten times since. It's been a revelation. But one I would like to... Getting into jazz. Listen.

Listen to Straight no chaser after the freddie mercury bio pick yeah but strange of course if he'd have been straight wouldn't have had any chasers so um he i don't i didn't quite get that but there's a joke in there yeah now what i'm asking is the song is straight comma yeah no chaser yeah and what i thought i'd ask i'll read is how many popular song titles can you think of that's got a comma in the title punctuation of pop really sums up absolute radio frank skinner absolute radio Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I tell you what, have you ever been... Hang on, hang on. Just before you do that, you've actually created a text in.

Oh, yeah. You've lit up the switchboard with songs with a comma in them. In the title. In the title, yeah. 660 has picked a favourite of mine. He ain't heavy, comma, he's my brother. Lovely choice. Oh, good one.

Comma and apostrophes. Nasher from Bedford. I think it's a regular correspondent to the show. I think Nasher's one of my regulars. Is there apostrophes in he ain't heavy, he's my brother? Well, ain't has been an apostrophe. Yes, absolutely there is. Oh, ain't.

Oh, I love it when people use the word ain't. It's one of my favourite words. I love it when people go, I ain't. Oh, I love it when people use the word ain't. It's one of my favourite words. I love it when people go, I ain't doing that. Yes, and that's a good one though, he ain't heavy, he's my brother. It's also one of the few songs that I know a story about that apparently they were driving up a hill and they saw a guy giving a piggyback to another kid. Like the two kids are going up the hill, one on piggyback,

and they said, do you want to jump in the hill, one on piggyback, and they said, do you want to jump in the car? And he said, yeah, and he said, it's my brother. And they went, oh, okay, we'll use that. That's apparently the story of that song.

Frank looks very doubtful. No, I like it. I wonder if that kid could qualify as the most quotable person. It's a poetic thing to say isn't he ain't heavy he's my brother yeah do you think he said Eddie

well at the very fact he thought his dad said is he Eddie and he said no no he ain't Eddie he's my brother I should probably take this moment

to apologise to my own brother who was slightly heavy and I used to sing he is heavy he's my brother when we were kids Keith was very heavy sorry about used to sing, he is heavy, he's my brother when we were kids. Our Keith was very heavy. Sorry about that.

It's quite a thing to say. He used to have to wear shorts for school and I used to hold his thighs and go ooh, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Of course we didn't know then, you see, we didn't know then. Different times, weren't they? Goodness me. Well I remember I had that

with my tailor doing a bit of relatable tailor material here when I was a child your tailor yes

anyone else got any tailor anecdotes tomorrow is another day text in on 81215 if you had a childhood tailor childhood tailor Childhood tailor anecdotes Stephen Fry maybe

and that's it So my tailor used to poke me in the stomach and say fat belly He didn't know He didn't know actually, he was very cruel Very cruel Psychopath

I think That might be a bit much psychopath Keith Keith coped very well with it looking back I can still feel it

on my fingertips I think I've been searching for that sensation ever since this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio.

You were asking earlier, Frank, for examples of songs where a comma is employed. Popular songs. That's no good. Don't give me no album tracks. Good point. I've shouted that at a few gigs. John, I'm Only Dancing by David Bowie. Belt in use of a comma, says Deb McGovern.

Yeah, that's a good one. She's from Manchester. Good song. Good punctuation. 882, somewhat sneery, I'm afraid to say. What's the story, morning glory? It ought to have a comma, but I'm sure punctuation was far too academic for

Oasis. Are you sure it doesn't? I think it does. What's the story? Oh, is it brackets morning glory? Oh. I don't like the brackets in that instance. I mean, really, it should have a question mark, but as you know... So it's actually called What's the Story?

Don't know. Well, if it's got brackets, I think you don't have to do brackets. They're optional. Giving it a sort of book at bedtime feel. 351 says, Stretching it a bit, but how about Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend?

No. You shall not pass. I mean, it is a song title with a comma in it, isn't it? No, but you shall not pass. Sorry. I don't. I don't. Can you explain it to me?

Is it called Oxford comma? Ah, oui. Is it? C-O-M-M-A? Yes. Okay. I get it. You get it now.

I think that's quite clever. That was why I read it. Can I say, it's a bit early in the process for a development. Oh. I'd like to establish some proper ones. Before we say, well, what about this? This puts a tin hat on it. One that actually says comma.

What about comma chameleon? Yeah, there's been a few of those as well. It's too early. Pathetic. It's too early for subversion. Not something you often say with your friends. Yeah. That's what happened when they knocked on, that's what was shouted subversion. Not something you often say with your friends. That's what was shouted when they knocked on the Ecuador

embassy the other morning. It's too early for subversion. Anyway. 245 has said, not a song, Frank, but very popular. Murder, she wrote. That's a good use of a comma in a title. Good, but it's a development. I don't want to

go on to commas in literature. Popular song titles. Okay, I've got one. 3, 4, 2. Go. Paint it black. That has a comma in it. You missed the comma though, didn't you? Paint it.

Comma. I think I'll have to actually say it out loud to these people. What do you mean? Paint it comma black. As opposed to paint it red. Don't paint it black. Can you check please? I'll check. I'm on it. Our boffins left the

studio. What you talking about? They do say curiously, 929 is suggesting what's the frequency? Kenneth, two for the price of one. I'm all right with that one. Why two for the price of one? Can I just say, I'm really upset about Paint It Black. I mean, it's an absolute lie.

Is it? It's got to be. Well, let's put it on Absolute Lies, the sister channel. You can't just tell lies like that, 342. We're doing a misinformation, Sister Channel. And also, murder, she wrote. Goodness sake. Murder, she wrote.

Yeah, but shouldn't murder, because she'd written it, shouldn't that be an inverted commas? Anyway, maybe there's too much punctuation for breakfast radio. I'm really upset about painted black. Well, if you'd just trusted me, Emily, everything would have been okay. Well, this is not the first time in my life I've said that. But you know what? Loyalty's dead. Live for rewards. Well, that is the very, very unpleasant Paddy Power slogan.

Really? Have you seen the... Yeah, it's Rodri Giggs doing an advert. Oh, it truly is the end of days. Oh, no. I don't think I've seen that. You haven't seen it? It's Rodri Giggs

talking about how he believes in loyalty with a bit of a wink to camera going on. Oh. Yeah, I know. Oh, these people... I mean, please. I to camera going on. Oh. Yeah, I know. Oh, these people. I mean, please. Come on, guys.

Someone's really upset. Offended you were checking it. Now calling me a liar. Your source is wrong, Emily. Paint it black, I'm sure, is just paint it black. I know. I think where the problem has started is that Spotify employs a comma, but I assume, how can I put this, I think maybe Spotify,

people that work there might have it wrong. They do employ a comma, but not a member of staff. Well, let's find out. Their employer Gen Z is the problem. For me, painted black, no comma. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. comma. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I feel like we should perhaps step away from the commas in songs texting that you've been running, Frank. Yeah, I think that's probably... You've lit up the switchboard to such a point. I still think there isn't one in Frank's life. We'll leave it on simmer.

I think that either. I think that's true. We may come back to it. We may come back to it. The Royals have been in the news this week. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I was surprised, too. I've been looking through all the papers for them,

couldn't find a damn word. But in a curious development, the Royals, Megan and Harry, who are expecting child, as we know, have... You sound like a sort of Victorian benefactor. You say, as we know. He will be expecting child. Did we not know?

Well, the story this week, as I understand it, is that they've said that they're not going to tell us... Yeah. ..when the baby's born. Yeah. They're essentially saying we don't want to be in the news as much, even though we're royals. It made me wonder if maybe she isn't pregnant,

and they're doing... You know that thing when people would claim for various people living in their house and that? I want to see the paperwork, and I want to see the baby before they get my tax. So I think we've got a right to see the evidence. We do. I think it could be bogus extra royal scam.

The expenses, they work for us. Also, God bless them, and I'm not a person who gets angry about the royal family and stuff like that. I've had some lovely nights out with them as you know. Extraordinary. But they have to accept that in the modern age the whole royal thing

is show business. That's what it is. It's not politics anymore. So that's part of the thing that you're paying for is that some people, they love the Royal Bay. They love, you know, Kay Burley outside the Lindo Wing. I mean, they live for that. That was where I was going to go.

It's Kay Burley in the Lindo Wing and... And in brackets, Town Crier. Town Crier, who we later discover had no official business being there. No. Legend. And there's always photographers, there's always some ladders. They're like a ladder outside the Lindo wing, don't they?

The photographers. I'll tell you what I'd like. I'd like the fact that they only notified one person outside of the close family and that was the town crier. And then he announced it. That would be good. That would be a lovely touch. You see, I miss the days, the...

I think, because traditionally, the baby, the royal baby was born in Buckpow. Is that right? I believe Princess Anne was the first to break with tradition. She always did things her way. Yeah, totally. And I seem to recall... She was on horseback when she had her first child.

She wasn't far off. I remember distinctly seeing these pictures and she had a green cape, airplane collars, but what I liked is not carrying the baby. Someone else carrying the baby. She was just getting into the car. She'd already handed it over. They might have been going to pass it to her, to be fair.

I suspect not. Come on. But also... handed it over. They might have been going to pass it to her. Yeah. To be fair. I spent a lot. Come on. Busy work. But also, if I had a fave royal, she'd be right up there. What I'm taking from this story

is where can I get a green cape with airplane collars in this day and age? Also, the hair was intact, though, of course. Perfect.

Her hair never... Always. She is the queen of the high barn. I mean, that is... She was the queen of the high barn. I mean, that is... She's the queen of high barn. She was, officially. That was her first title.

I mean, her title. But also, she's famous, isn't she, for wearing dresses that she was photographed in 30 years ago. Well, I was just going to say, the green cape got... How many children has she got, these two? It got rolled out the second time as well as i've said to you when i've got remember when i had a dracula cape yes this will fit me forever

escape yeah unless i get a goiter but but you can't then there's probably enough yeah it's never no you've never seen anyone in it you think well that cape's a bit tight. Who's ever thought that about anyone? Well, if you have a gold clasp, you can get in all sorts of problems. Yeah, but still... Does your cape have a ribbon or a gold sort of snake clasp? No, I had a sort of a diamante. Imagine the Dracula is slightly showy. Yeah.

So has a Liberace cape. He has an element of that, though. Liberace. He's like a goth Liberace. You know, if you have the power of flight, you immediately think, I'm going to get a cape, because that would be a lovely silhouette. He's got the dyed black hair.

I mean, Dracula is essentially, if Liberace lived in Camden Town, flatmate with Noel Fielder. Yeah. That's Dracula. And ironically, of course, the widow's peak. Yeah, he's... I don't know who he got,

but I'm not suggesting for a second that the Prince is royal as the power of flight or is vampiric in any way. I'd agree with that one. I look forward to my grandchildren seeing that cape in a way. God, you glued that one. I look forward to my grandchildren seeing that cape in a museum. Not something we hear said every day. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So we're talking about the hospital steps tradition. Yes. And I was just saying in the break that the Queen, of course, she traditionally, she was always propped up in bed with a sort of, with a duvet. She didn't do duvets. She's much more sheets and blankie. Yeah, I know.

Isn't she? I feel. But yeah, there were always photographs of her a couple of days after with a little pink bed jacket. How did they announce it? Was that when they used to put like a poster on a sign? It was posted outside Buckingham Palace. And did it have the weight? Oh, well, you love the weight, don't you?

It is one of the few times when weight is up-fronted, is when a child is born. I like it. Do you? It is one of the few times when weight is up fronted is when a child is born. I like it. Do you? Yeah, and also I have a weight as a baby that I'm pleased with. Nine pound ten.

Big. Was that what yours was? Yeah. I was a little under eight pounds. That's what I don't like about it. If you said

oh you've had a baby five five bigger yeah still a bit snobbery about the about the weight. If you said, oh, you've had a baby five, five, bigger, oh, really? Yeah. Still a bit snobbery about the, about the weight. Also, you wouldn't say, I'm getting married.

Yeah, she's eight stone eight. All footballers would say that. Yeah. Okay. And you know in the papers when they put your age, you never get like, and then George Clooney, comma, ten stone twelve. You know, it's just

that baby thing. Yeah. So they've got to tell us the weight, surely. I hope so. Well, they'll have a few. You see, the thing is, what I'm relieved on her behalf, I am a fan, I should say, but why I'm relieved is she doesn't have to do the blow dry.

Because they have to do... Hold on, let me... My heart, my heart is thumping. Mine too. I mean, I didn't think you knew her that well. Oh, dear. I'll be all right in a minute. Can I just say, I sent a gift.

Oh, did you? I did, not for the baby. For the model. For the gift. Oh, did you? I did. Not for the baby. For the model. For the dog. Oh, nice. Because, come on, the poor dog's being left out. And as London's leading dog representative, lovely note back, I'm saying.

Did you? Did you? Yes. Wow, you really are a friend. Connected. So, 12 times I've written to Anne, nothing. Nothing back. No? connected so 12 times I've written to Anne nothing nothing back no

certainly not the clothing I asked for but you know what she was fond of that safari jacket you got a note she loved the safari jacket

you got a note from Megha the note from the palace let's say oh lovely we'll be putting that on Instagram yeah don't make, from the palace, let's say. Oh, lovely. We'll be putting that on Instagram.

Yeah. Don't make any promises, Ricard. They always, they have the blow-dry and the nude court shoe. Ah, yes. Yes, they like that. And they have to put the shiny tights on. And I always think, I mean, I don't know, as you know, I haven't had the children, but I went to see Kath post-Buzz.

She didn't look like she wanted a blow-dry. No, no, no. And I think she had those, you know, those sort of elasticated socks. Maybe that was another hospital visit. No, I think... She had porridge on the T-shirt. I mean, she'd lost a bit of weight. Yeah.

I think... She had porridge on the T-shirt. I mean, she'd lost a bit of weight. Yeah. But although I think someone did ask her when her baby was due after she'd... We went for a walk. Because it doesn't just disappear. No.

Well, that's the thing. But yeah, you don't care because you've got a baby and there's all love in the room. The last thing you want is that town crier trying to get his oar in. Yeah, he did come to us, to be fair. Do you know what? Knowing you, that actually wouldn't surprise me.

Sort of weird practical joke you play on her. Yeah, I muted it a bit. I put a bit of gaff around his donger. Oh, my God. Is that where you knew him from? I muted it slightly. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Could I just say, we have had Andrew Howson has been in touch, just to go back to the comma issue. Oh, yeah. To suggest that the Smiths are a fan of the comma. What about William, it was really nothing? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, are we going to let that pass? Oh, yeah. To suggest that the Smiths are a fan of the comma. What about William, it was really nothing? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, are we going to let that pass?

Oh, yeah, that one. From the same school as John, I'm only dancing. Exactly. Andrew would also like to put forward, please, please, please, let me get what I want. I would argue the pleases would have two commas at least. Yeah, I suppose please, please me, by the Beatles. Yes.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, no suppose please please me by the Beatles. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Oh, no. Uh-oh. No, because he's saying please please me. Yes. Yes, which is different to three pleadings. Yes, well done, everyone.

Okay. Thinking aloud. And we don't want to talk about paint it black. It's all got very ugly. No, we're not going to talk about it. There seems to be some huge controversy. We don't know. Perhaps we never will know.

Late review. Yeah. Huge controversy. Huge controversy about the Paint It Black punctuation. Yes. I mean, he's talking about being very depressed in the song. I've got a green door and I want it painted. And all that.

Got to paint it, paint it, paint it and it's as if the assistant looks at him at that point and he goes, black but he always knew he was going to paint it black because he's so depressed Well some suggestions to clear that up is that in the original release it might have had a comma

Well maybe there was a typo I've never seen it with a We've all had a drink. I was an enormous Rolling Stones fan to the point where I was in a band where I just was Mick. We were a tribute band before we knew what tribute bands were.

Oh. And, um... Were you the Mick role then? I was Mick, yeah. Oh, how adorable. Who was on the... Who were the other people in the band? There was Mickey Wade on drums

Nick Gardner on guitar Do you want names of all my old school friends? Well I just find them very cute I like the Franks friends When he used to doss with them Are we still discussing the Meghan and Harry news? Because they've said that

they've got a little bit of pushback I might say. Well, that's, that'll be a problem. From the Loose Women. From the midwife. No, from the Loose Women. The Loose Women said. Well, it's alright for them

of course. Yeah. They find it easy. They said. They said. Oh, they're coming out arm in arm. The Loose Women said if they're trying to, you know,

create less interest in the birth, what they're actually doing is creating more interest. Words of wisdom. Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure that there can be more interest than in a royal baby. Well, they said it was like being in a goldfish bowl. Did they?

No, that was Senator Edward Kennedy. We're back to him. Perhaps they're going to keep the child back until it kills its first stag. There's a sort of coming of age thing. Yeah, only then. Like when Alex Ferguson didn't let Ryan Giggs do interviews until he was like 16 or something.

Exactly. Just similar to that. But Alex Ferguson always does that, and then he turns them into goddamn droids. Yeah, I know, but now he's retired. I know. Rodri Giggs is doing an advert. I mean, he's completely lost control.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were discussing the loose women and Megan and Harry, weren't we? Yes. Just being your... That was nice.

Being your verbal aid memoir there. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I'm glad. But I feel there was this... Have you heard about this character, Kevin Keighley, I believe his name is? No. KK.

What, KK? Generally speaking, I'm wary of people with the initials KK. Yeah? Yes. Kerry Katona, Kim Kardashian. Well, any Kardashian. Kevin Keegan, I don't mind. Keegan.

Although he did a cheeky thing with me once. Did he? Was it a little bit naughty? He said to me, that Paul Pescalido plays for you. He was managing Fulham at the time. He said, is he any good? I said, you know what, I think he's really good. He said, well, tell me about him.

I said, I don't know, he's blah, blah, blah. And we bought him about three weeks later after I'd sung his praises. Really? Yeah, took him away from us. What an idiot I was. I should have said, oh, no, it's rubbish, actually, overrated. Some of your grudges are extraordinary. Some of your anecdotes are peppered with celebrity.

But his reason for grudges, you know, Daniel Craig, stop my cleaner. Pesca Salido, do you remember him? Of course, marriage to Karen Brady. Indeed. They have children together. The Pesca Salido kids. So was he Birmingham City originally then, Frank?

Oh, I don't remember. I believe he might have been. Before they come to the Albion, they don't really exist. I believe he might have been, which is how he met Karen, because I believe she worked for David Sullivan there. Anyway, there's a whole other story. I want to talk about Kevin Keighley. We had Karen Brady once on Fantasy Football.

A schoolboy wrote in and said, I watched Karen Brady on, I'm just in love with her. And don't think I'm one of these schoolboys who just fancies her or something like that. I mean, I'm actually in love, I want to marry her. And that man was Paul Pescolini. He wasn't a schoolboy at all, he was just short. It was his internet personality.

Can we talk about Kevin Keelan? Yeah. We need to talk about Kevin. Yeah, very good. He's had his Instagram handle. He claimed, well, he didn't claim, this has happened. He's had it taken off him by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. His insta name was at Sussex Royal.

And he woke up, I believe it was last week, to discover it had been stolen. Yeah. Now, it's a funny one, this, isn't it? He claims he was at Sussex Royal. His link to that was he comes from Sussex. Yeah. And he's into He's into Redding FC

And apparently that's their nickname It's like you get London Reds Sussex for all absolutely it's fine if you're a Redding fan who lives in Sussex, it works So I think it's all legit Well yeah, however

he says he's not very happy about this. Well, they're squatting in his domain, aren't they? They're squatting. They've kicked him out. No, they, well, Instagram claimed he was, they called him a digital squatter. Well, they called him that because they had a phone call from the palace saying,

we'd rather like Sussex Royal as our as our handle so can you get rid of this squalid little Keeley man and we'll take it that's what I suspect happened I fell for it harvest them on their side

because I have an interest in it I'm with Keeley I feel like he's the underdog of all the people that are going to steal your address. It's people that live in a castle. I know. They've got a palace. So I just say they don't.

They live in Frogmore Cottage. All right, they still live in a cottage. Wow. They're doing all right. They're doing all right. That's my review. Late review. Did you stop watching, though, Al?

I don't like the sound of that. No. So what that means, it's like lurkers. Are you a lurker, Frank? No, look, what's happened, it's like lurkers. Are you a lurker, Frank? No, look, what's happened? You're a lurker. I'm a lurker. You're a lurker as well.

I will have a look at Twitter and stuff, yeah. I never look me up. That sounds like it's as much as an X-Man. No. You know what I mean? There's something a bit unsavoury. Well, the next man is Al, and he looks at it all the time. I look at it, but I'm not on there.

I look up hashtag Doctor Who on more or less a daily basis. Right. Oh, my God. Yeah. So depressing clearing history job Cath has. I think that they did the wrong thing. I'll tell you what this is. It's a case of I'm having that.

They've sinned. They thought that's the handle we want but someone's already got it your majesty what? oh sorry I'll sort it out straight away

that's what I think's happened well we're going to fall out massive over this okay I ain't having it well bookmark

that frustration this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio we were discussing Kevin Keighley Keighley? Keighley

The chap that's a fan of Reading FC Yes He's had his Instagram handle stolen by the Royals, Sussex Royals and they've stolen his handle. Well, of course, I think that's open. We're debating whether it was theft.

Well, Frank and I, you know, we came close to a bit of a fisticuffs. I think I've detected an earlier crime in this story. Go on, then. We think that the crime that is being discussed is the Royals saying they want the Sussex Royals handle. Yeah. What about Reading FC stealing the Sussex Royals handle. Yeah. What about Reading FC stealing the handle the Royals from the Royal family? Oh quite. Well. I mean how far back is this

web gonna weave? But it's about getting in first isn't it with the domain names? Well look. Well I think the Royals had the domain of the royals before Reading did, surely. Look, we've come to this judge, we've come to that judge. It's Simon's turn now. OK. Well, look. You, there is an act called the Treasure Trove, I believe. I was on jury service for Treasure Trove,

and that is if you... You'll be familiar with that, Frank. It's very Staff staff at your hoard isn't it how dare you it gets it gets returned after a certain amount of time unclaimed if you find property it gets say jewels in the case of the jury service i don't they found jewels it gets returned either to the crown but it gets well, actually, it's been out of their hands for so long, you can have it. Well, I found a purse once in a phone box. Found.

17 quid in it. Not bad. And I took it to the police station. Wonderful man. And I said, is it true that if it's not claimed in seven days, it's mine? And they said, yeah, that is true. They didn't want to tell me. No.

No. So seven days later, probably eight days, I went back and said, did anyone, I handed in a thing, I had a form, I got want to tell me. No. So seven days later, probably eight days, I went back and said, did anyone... I handed in a thing. I had a form. I got them to give me a form. And they said, no, it hasn't been claimed. But a lot of people leave it in for like two or three weeks.

I said, well, I don't want to do that. So I got my treasure trove. I got my 17 quid. I had a very nice purse. That's my point. You still use it to this day, don't you? I still use the 17 quid, I have a very nice purse. That's my point. You still use it to this day, don't you? I still use the 17 quid. So, it is a bit finders keepers, losers weepers.

Finally, that's been invoked on this show. I love a losers weepers. Weeping, actual weeping they are. It depends what you've lost, I suppose. 17 quid. High stakes with weeping. Biblical levels of loss. But I would say

losers weepers, Kevin Keeley. You should have claimed that. If you liked it, you should have put a ring on it. But he did. But he didn't use it enough. No. No, we don't know.

He didn't. You can't put a ring on it. They said that he used it five times in two years. They said. I'll deal with him, Al. They said. If you're going to put a ring on it. They said that he used it five times in two years or something. They said. I'll deal with him, Al. They said. If you're going to put a ring on it, you can't then go out every night.

Look, I don't know if you've seen the film Caligula. Of course. But in that, Caligula, who is an all-powerful despot ruler, a bit harsh, is introduced to a couple who are about to get married, at which point he has the physicals with the bride-to-be. And then, Caligula being something of a completist, he does likewise with the groom-to-be.

Does he? Does the phrase groom-to-be exist? Do you say groom-to-be? You need to say bride-to-be. You say bride-to-be, you say... I don't know. Good point. I don't think you do say that. At 12.15, do you say groom-to-be? You need to say bride-to-be. You say bride-to-be, you say... I don't know. Good point. I don't think you do say that. At 12.15, do you say groom-to-be? Do you think you've just coined a phrase? I may have.

GTB. Yeah, he does likewise with the... And it is a case of I'm in charge, I'll take what I like. And that's what's happened to Kevin Keenan. I mean, not that. Oh, please. I'm not saying that's happened to him, but that's what's happened. That would be a tabloid story.

I'll tell you what it is. It's like that friend. They say, they haven't worn a dress for ages. Oh, you can borrow it. You put it on. You look great in it. Okay? If I may say, better than them. Yeah. They say, oh, can I have that dress back, please? I didn't wear it for six years. No. Just like that. Okay.

I've had that happen. But one point about this, they didn't wear it for six years. No. Just like that. Okay. I'll let that happen. Yeah. But one point about this, they didn't take him away. They didn't get rid of his thing. They changed his handle. Yes. Overnight.

He woke up to find it. So the Solonese said, oh, he doesn't use it, we're closing the account. What they did, they gave him one with, I don't even know what they're called. You know those ground level hyphens you get?

Underscores. Is that what they're called? Underscores.level hyphens you get? Underscores. Is that what they're called? Underscores. No, he's underscore Sussex Ryle, underscore. So they haven't sacked him for that abuse. They've underscored him. Well, I'll tell you what I don't like. They said...

His quote was a bit over the top, though. He said, I didn't ask for this. I've had the account for years. It's not very pleasant. No. It's not very pleasant. I'm with K ask for this. I've had the account for years. It's not very pleasant. No. It's not very pleasant. I'm with KK on this. I've got to tell you.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I... I'd like to see a couple of... I had two GIFs sent today. Not GIFs. How lovely. Gifs. Yes.

It's complicated, that, isn't it? Because when you say gif... Yeah. Or gift, anyway. Oh, it was somebody that pronounced it jif the other day, but I'm pretty sure it is a gif, isn't it? What about your cleaner? No.

Oh, OK. OK. Don't work with my cleaner. It's called sif now, anyway, you should tell them. Oh, I see him or her got ya ok

so someone Bill Firmid Bill Firmedge Firmedge it could be which would be a good cricketing thing has sent me the new Wisden oh

lovely the almanac if you're not into cricket Wisden is it is the the bible of cricket. Is it still yellow? Oh, yes, it's still yellow. Oh, I love that.

Just the feel of it in my hand. Lovely. Okay. So thank you. Thanks, Bill. Thanks, Bill. And then Stephen Huntley, who now I asked Alan about this

because Alan was born in Scotland. I was. And he lives, how would you say this? We'll come to Alan. It's a place and it's spelt C-R-I-O-F. C-R-I-O-F. Well, given that I just said ya. I thought it was an E.

No, when he spelt it, C-R-I-O-F. It's not cry off. You know when you cry off? It's a place people famously don't turn up for stuff. Is this based in Scotland? It is in Scotland. Cry off? I would say cry off.

Cry off. You see, Alan suggested it was cryf. Well, I trust Alan. I know, but why I don't want to let that go, I said if you were driving there, then would you take, when you approach, when you went off the main road,

would you take a Cruyff turn? Google it. I do know. I know that. Yeah, but not everyone will. It's a famous turn that Johan Cruyff, the footballer, did. But if it isn't Cruyff, of course, that won't work. If I was them, I'd change the pronunciation so they can do that game. I hope it's the Johan Way.

Anyway, that could be the other road they take. Yeah. So he sent me a jigsaw celebrating the 50th anniversary of Apollo 11, because he accidentally bought two off eBay. He bought two? Well, do you know, when you opened it this morning as well and I thought it was Doctor Who and wasn't it lovely you said no it's Apollo 11, I said oh yeah because that's

one of your things, the moon isn't it? You like the moon and sort of Doctor Who things and the space things There you go, so thank you very much Stephen from Cruyff Here's hoping Cru Stephen, from Cruyff. Here's hoping.

Cruyff? Yeah. Cruyff, you think? No, I'm just guessing. I'm just saying what I see. You're Scottish. You're supposed to know. Yeah.

They're very good on these Scottish names, aren't they? Cruyff! There'll be someone like, Cruyff! Yeah, that would be my bet. I'm no expert. Cruyff! Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that would be my bet. I'm no expert. Claire! Yeah. Okay, that would... Yes.

By the way, on the Kevin Kiley thing, I'll tell you what it made me think. I know we've finished with that, but I... You know when you get... You know KFC? Apparently not. Never go back. The queen of the fast food outlets

KFC my opinion are you agreed on that Al? do you know what I'd agree with you yes there's none better love the candy stripe

as well because it it makes me feel less guilty about the fast food I feel like I'm a bit sort of Mary Poppins

Jolly Holiday with Uber the candy stripe yeah motif it's a bit Hamptons and the way they just have of Mary Poppins' Jolly Holiday with Uber, the candy stripe motif. It's a bit Hamptons. And the way they just have the black bow sometimes on the Colonel.

And from a distance, it looks like he's got a little body with one of those East European puppeteer black body stockings on. The Colonel makes me think I'm in a lovely stately home in the Deep South. Yeah, exactly. Not with the bad guys. My tastes are simple yeah i demand the best over to you yeah so they have various things like they have uh it's it's you get things like dixie dixie chicken dixie fried chicken and you get uh southern fried chicken. Yeah. I wonder if any of our readers know any other KFC tribute outlets. Are you kidding now?

It's the KFC version of... I don't know. Or Dixie Fried Chicken. But it's got to be KFC ones. It can't just be ones that... No. It's not like McDonald's. It's got to be...

Do you want the text to never work again? Or sort of abracababra. No, no, none of that. It's got to be KFC, guys. Keep it tight, guys. Keep it tight. KFC specific. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, earlier you were talking about the... I mean, how would you describe these imitators? Well, they are... The KFC imitators. Yeah, the tribute. Pastiche. Lovely. No, would you say tribute? Tribute shops. Yeah. KFC tribute shops. That's it. Tribute outlets.

Yes, lovely. Outlet is a lovely word, isn't it? George Bland has been in touch. Don't be so hard on yourself, George. Said something interesting. Yeah. I think this is what you're after. He was the one,

you know when it was Billy Fury and Marty Wilde and all that, he was the one who didn't make it, George Bland. He just didn't get the swing of it. Anyway, carry on. There's a very good South African fielder called Colin Bland.

Is there? When fielding wasn't really a thing in cricket, he used to do fielding exhibitions where they'd roll the ball to him and he'd do things like throw it a single stomp from 50 yards away and hit it and stuff. Anyway, carry on. George.

George says, I think this is what you're after. I can't get any more than this. Hashtag KFC. And what he's done, he's posted up a picture of a KFC ad which says, guys, comma, we're flattered, KFC. And it has...

Should have been battered. It has, I would say, 50 shop fronts pictures of them with the initials. For example... Good old KFC for embracing it. SFC, sizzling fried chicken. Ah, yeah. Okay.

LFC, I think that's Louisiana fried chicken. Yeah, you can see... They always go for a something. Go for another state, yeah. We've had some more, Al, haven't we, as well? Oh, yeah. 638 has texted, there's a HFC halal fried chicken on the Edgware Road.

Oh, there you go, that's good. I see they're informative as well as derivative. Kent's tuck in fried chicken. Kent's tuck in, that is brilliant. And do you know where that is? Kent?

Upper Gornall. Dudley. Oh, Upper Gornall. Just get on the 137. Is it not Upper Gornall. Dudley. Oh, Upper Gornall. Just get on the 137. Is it not Upper Gornall? Alan's laughing at me. Emily said to me, do you know a place called Upper Gornall? Upper Gornall is about as black country

as you can possibly get. I thought it was Upper Gornall. I'm sorry. No, it's... If you got the 137 boss if you stayed on to the end

the whole nature of the boss was just a go on all people left and some of them I remember

wore three cornered hats anyway it's not just the Midlands 019 has texted South End

Perfect Fried Chicken SP, Southend Perfect Fried Chicken. Yeah. SPC. SPFC. Southend Perfect. Yeah. There's also, yeah.

I've sneaked another letter in there. 548 has said, Hi Frank Cockrell, the Divine Miss M, Portsmouth have multiple branches of Ken's Fried Chicken. Oh. I went to there at uni and I had many a postnight out at Ken's. Every time we were drunk, we thought it was very original and funny to ask to meet Ken. And they'd bring out whoever was in the back of the shop frying the chicken to shake our hands.

Well, that's lovely. I worked with a woman whose dad was Mr Codd. Oh, Mr Codd? Of Mr Codd Chip Shop. Her name wasn't Codd., Mr. Cod? Of Mr. Cod Chip Shop. Her name wasn't Cod. He'd adopted a stage name. Right. Sorry, when you say of Mr. Cod Chip Shop, forgive my ignorance, what's that?

You've never been in a chip shop, have you? I went to one and up a gone oh! There's a chain, or there was a chain of fish and chip shops called Mr. Cod. Is there? Yeah. How lovely. Oh, yes.

By the way, we found out it seems that Cruyff isn't called Cruyff, it's called Cruyff. It's called Cruyff, yes. Here's a question for our readers. If Tor Heyerdahl had a fried chicken outlet, what would it be called? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did we get any answer to my Tor Hayardal quiz?

Contiki fried chicken. Yes, exactly. Tor Hayardal captained the Contiki expedition. This is so niche, Frank. Contiki fried chicken. Even by your standards, this is niche. It was a very famous thing. It was sort of testing whether people in ancient times

could have travelled from continent to continent. So he built a raft the way they built one and then bravely him and his guys went on it. Well, 118 is suggesting that... Didn't know that raft building up there. ...papyrus menus. Oh, very good. Yes, I remember those.

So let me tell you what happened to me this week. Have you ever been close to a famous person and thought, oh, I'd really like to speak to this person, but you just don't? Yes. All right. Well, this week I was with my son and my partner. We were having a...

Just having a... Oh, no, I wasn't with my partner. I was with my son. It was just me and Kath. Someone's lying. Me and my Kath. Me and Kath. Me and my Kath.

We were sitting having a cup of tea, and there was two very fashionable young men sitting opposite us. The sort of people whose work has been hidden by Skip Intro. Right. And then they were joined. Yes, I get the type you mean. They were joined suddenly.

And I'm not about when we were sitting adjacent. I mean, we were sitting at the same coffee table. They were joined by Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy. Shut up. No way. Which local are we in? Just give a postcode roughly. Oxfordshire. Oh okay, I know the postcode. So we were, I thought

well you know, it's Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy so obviously I'd quite like to talk to Peter Crouch. Sure. I'd like to talk to Abbey Clancy but I mean he's a footballer so I wanted to. And then I just, I don't know, I mean I thought, I'd quite like to talk to Peter Crouch. Sure. I'd like to talk to Abacus, but, I mean, he's a footballer, so I wanted to. And then I just, I don't know. I mean, I thought, I don't know.

Did you Gareth Bale? I bailed. I did. Oh, that's for sure. And I tell you... He wouldn't be thinking, I wish I'd talked to Francis. Well, I don't know if he noticed. He might not have noticed me.

I had glasses on. But, see, if I met him later, say if I met him today and he said to me, if I met him later, say if I met him today, and he said to me, you never spoke to me, I can't say to Peter Crouch, well, I didn't really notice you. Yeah, you noticed. Because you noticed Peter Crouch. Yeah. I mean, he's an angular torque.

When he sat down, I mean, I think I put a coaster on one of his thighs. I mean, he was all, I was worried that if Boz had been there, he would have been swinging on him. Can I tell you what you should have done as an opening gambit next time? Just say, Peter, I've got a great shoe shop up the road from me. Oh, yeah.

Or Magnus. Yeah. If you want to pop in there. They start at size... What was it, Al? I think it's 12. 12 and up. 12 to 19.

But we don't know what size Peter's feet... Did you notice his feet? I think he's about 14. Do you think so? I was trying not... Obviously, I was trying... He's in the corner of my eye. I have took the rise out of him on occasion.

Have you? And I thought that he might, you know... I remember... That never leads to any awkward moments in your past, does it? No, but you have to keep doing it. Every time you go out with Frank and there's someone there, I have to Google Frank Skinner in the name of the person to see if it's safe.

Yeah, well, I remember talking about... People say he's very dangerous on corners, very hand... But I said, if you're a defender, it's like someone's throwing a bicycle at you if he's going up for a corner. I think he'd be all right with that one. Anyway, I didn't speak to him. I think he's a laugh.

So I was so adjacent to the Crouch. They're called the Crouches in the modern world. Oh, good question. So he might not have noticed me. He might have gone away thinking I'm just surly. What's best? 8.12.15. You know what Frank's done, Al?

He's done that thing, the bloke who leaves before the end of the match. Yes. And he once said of a coat he tried on, I said, oh, that coat looks nice on you. He said, no, it's a bit bloke who leaves before the end of the match. Yes. And he once said of a coat he tried on, I said, oh, that coat looks nice on you. He said, no, it's a bit bloke who leaves before the end of the match. He doesn't like that. Oh!

And you've just broken your own chair. I've sat in his chair and I'm already causing carnage. I love it. I feel like Dad's gone and we can mess about. Excellent. Crack out the brewskis. No, Frank's left, we should say. There's nothing odd or untoward has happened.

He's gone to see the black chickens. Well. Talking of chickens. Say nothing odd. Eight police bundled him out. Did you bang on the... Head first and he kept shouting, it's unlawful, it's unlawful,

but I don't know what that was all about. Did you bang on the back of the van? Apparently he's going to the Ecuadorian embassy. It's a one out, one in policy. I wonder why he had a shave this morning the beard looks great did we have some text in it we had a text in about the black chickens this is spurs by the way which is buzz buzz's club we were running a uh alternatives to kfc uh text in weren't we and about 300 yards south of tottenham hotsppur's new stadium, there is a chicken shop called TFC Tottenham Fried Chicken Classic.

That's Gordon from St Albans. Well, thanks, Gordon. Well, Frank, if you're listening in the car, you won't be. But if you are, maybe stop off there. Yeah. Have some black chicken. Nice. Literally.

I had a bit of an ego check this morning, Al. Today's show? Yes. Oh. Not just when I arrived here. What happened? Well, the driver picked me up. I'm going to make it sound all grand, like I'm the Dutch.

It's just a man in a cab. He's just a man in a cab waiting for a girl to get in. And he said, I said, oh, hello. You've taken me before, haven't you? He turned around. He looked at me. He said, no. And I said, oh, I thought you had.

And he went, no, absolutely not. Absolutely not. Not just no. You think he was punning. He was throwing a bit of shade my way. Yeah. And I've had this recently, because I was at Sky, and I was recording a TV thing,

and the security guard, it was the fourth one I'd done, and the security guard, he looks at me blankly every single week, which is fine. Yeah. Although I broke, Al. You went mad at him. Well, he turned round to the driver and he said, who is she?

Yeah, I don't like that. Do you not like that? It was a bit Ecuadorian embassy. I didn't like it. It felt suddenly I was on the front. Do you think he looked at you and thought, English is not her first language, I'll just speak to the driver?

I'd be very flat at that, I hope so. What would he have thought I was? Maybe Turkish? Maybe. I can live with that. He said, I said my name, and he said, who is she again? I said, let me deal with this. I said, let me deal with this.

I said, my name's Emily. I'm recording a show at Sky today. He said, what job do you do? I said, I talk about football. Excellent. Good answer. He said, for said for who i said what do you mean for who i said for tv he said where's your pass then i said i don't have one i mean it wasn't going well i have to say he said i better call up and find out who you are do you know what i said i'm embarrassed i said you don't need to

call up. I can tell you who I am. Now, what I'm going to say is it is getting dangerously close to a phrase, which is... Do you know who I am? Which is verboten for anybody that's ever appeared on television or radio. That is verboten. Fortunately, I realised in time, and he helped bring me down to earth, because as he went to call, he said, what's your name again? And it just put me in my place. And I checked my ego.

Good for you. I mean, I didn't really. I was absolutely furious. And as I left, he said, oh, I know who you are now. He said, you're on the football show. And you know what I did? I said, oh, I know who you are now. He said, you're on the football show. And you know what I did? I said, you're joking. A little bit of comedy before I left.

Didn't you just tell him that? Yeah. Oh, this is when he kept repeating it. Tell you, I won't be doing that again. The security guard, should I say, still doesn't recognise any of us, including Frank, after how long? Ten years. Ten years. Ten years.

Yeah, nicer. We're going to have to go soon. I'm sorry, that was short but sweet. It was. I've really enjoyed it this morning. Have you? Yeah, it's been alright. Okay, I mean, that's Al's version of I've had one of the best times of my whole life. I think on his wedding day, Al went

it's alright, this. Yeah, it's alright, this. It's alright. It'll do for now. Be seeing you.