The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Clampdown

Episode Date: August 19, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Steve are back to discuss Daniel Craig's volte face, a current pineapple ban and middle aged people at festivals. Also Frank wants to know 'what's in your glove compartment?'

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. I hope that we illustrate the doctrine of perfect freedom. I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Good morning. Good morning. You can text our show on 81215. You can follow it on Twitter at Frank on the radio. Why would you do that? I mean they say

follow it not like Game of Thrones or something no exactly we don't have a skin cast or you can email the show

via the Absolute Radio website I don't want a lot of snakes now texting and saying well I have a skin cast on a regular annual basis

just leave it um Bruce Forsyth is dead oh yeah Gingcast on a regular annual basis. Just leave it. Bruce Forsyth is dead. Oh yeah. Just anyone missed the news yesterday, I thought I'd throw that in. I'd let you know, it's always sad when a comic dies. Especially a big

famous one like him. I did a gig, I had him on my show, Bruce Forsyth and one of the things I'll always be glad about is me and him did a sketch together. Fantastic. Written by me

obviously he's not going to write it, he's got people. And what it was is that I'm dressed as a female secretary. We didn't know. We didn't know it was stereotyping. So I'm at a desk and a woman comes in and says,

I've come to see Mr Forsythe. He's my uncle. And I say, hold on a minute. So I press the thing. You see him pick the phone up and say yes. And I say, niece to see you to see you niece and then he does a fantastic look to camera of course so um fine work fine brilliant but i'll tell you something about bruce i interviewed him on my chat show and he was he was really funny and i said look

this is often old comics don't really work that well you know they want they want it all written and planned and he came on and he did some really good stuff on it. So I used to do the edit. So I edited it and I put in every one of his jokes. There was just one thing. He had some sort of physical strangeness to

do with where his kidneys were or something. And I got a woman in a Spangly leotard. We didn't know. Can you just write a book called We Didn't Know? We didn't know then. Yeah. Me on the cover with my arm round.

Complete that sentence at home. We really didn't know. And so this woman, come on, but she was carrying one of those anatomical statues that show internal organs so that Bruce could show us exactly what his problem was. Oh, like the med school ones, yeah. And when he came on, he did a line and it got a good laugh. He got loads of good laughs anyway, but it did get a good laugh.

But when we watched it back in the edit, the lighting wasn't very good on it so we couldn't use it. Sure. So anyway, the interview went out, and he was funny. It was Bruce joke, Bruce joke, Bruce joke all the way through. He wrote me a four-page handwritten letter saying, I can't believe you didn't put that joke in that I did when the woman came on with the leotard.

And that was when I knew he was a proper comedian. Yeah, that's a kindred spirit. They're going about the game shows and stuff, but that is a comedian who would write that letter. That's the class. Yeah, that's a kindred spirit. They're going about the game shows and stuff, but that is a comedian who would write that letter. That's the class. I like that. And you'd do that, Frank. Oh, God, would I?

I'd put dog excrement to their letterbox. I'd walk three miles to do it. But best of all, I know someone who worked with him and he had got tiny crib notes, you know crib sheets? Yeah, tiny little notes written on his thumb. Wow. That he was looking at to

That's amazing. And when he was doing the interview, so he couldn't really look at the autocue. And this woman said, God, you must have amazing eyesight, Mr Forsyth. And he said, I'll give you a tip. He said, I never read a book.

Wise words there from the late, great Bruce Forsyth. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, one thing I didn't say about that Bruce Forsey thing was after the show, after the record, he was there with Will and Elia, and he said, you must come round our house for dinner. I've had such a lovely night tonight.

Would you come round for dinner? I said, I'd be an honour to come round for dinner. And after the joke didn't get in the edit. Nor did the invite come through. Again, respect. I've got another one I just remembered. I went to an audience with... I'm sorry, but it's become a show of showbiz reminiscences.

If ever there was a time to tell a Bruce anecdote, it's today. I went to an audience with Bruce Forsyth and they said to me... I don't know if you remember those audience withs but they always used to say in the green room before and would you ask a question

and you'd say I don't want to ask and they'd say go on I always wondered how that worked then it's not all spontaneous so they'd give you the question as well patronising when I've been in the business years they'd give me the question they'd always tell you what to ask so I had to ask

how do you deal with hecklers because he'd got a story about a heckle put down that he'd done at the Wood Green Empire in 1954 so I set him up for that I was happy to do that, he'd given me a generation game, it was an

institution in Arrows so I put my hand up and he went, oh Frank Skinner's there I was happy to do that. He'd given me a generation game. It was an institution in Arrows. So I put my hand up and he went, oh, Frank Skinner's there. And I said, I just want to ask you how you deal with hecklers. He said, well, you know, you're a fast-talking, quick-thinking comic like you. You don't need to ask me that.

And I thought, well, I agree with that. But I can't really. I could have said, well, obviously I've been asked, but I didn't. I let it go. Fair you when I was contained. He said, well, I've been asked but I didn't I let it go he said well I was playing the Wood Green Empire in 1954

and there was a rough crowd and someone threw a bag of fish and chips on stage and I thought oh my god and the audience

he said I picked up the fish and chips I had a chip went oh no vinegar and nothing it was complete that was it it went better here than it went there

and it was a terrible moment and i felt responsible because i had a question and then he said well it went all right in 1954 and a real sort of oh no i mean i guess if he if he just suddenly revealed that he just absolutely savaged the bloke using every horrendous put-down under the sun and it was completely out of character for both The Man and 1954. I'm glad that you have a stereotypical view of 1954. Because we didn't know then. But I fear for you, because I know that's awful, you felt associated with the joke.

They always did that. They made me ask Spike Milligan in a thing. Can I be honest? If I had to think an audience with, and there was a word, name someone in the audience, if I was doing Family Fortunes, I would say Frank Skinner. Because I saw you on so many of those things. Did you do a Rod Stewart, perhaps?

I did Rod Stewart. Yes, I saw you on that. Rod, though. See, perhaps? I did Rod Stewart. Yes, I saw you on that. Rod, though. See, Rod, I was... When you say you did, I mean, you turned up to watch a show, essentially. Yeah, but you had to sing for your supper. So, well, Rod did.

Remember Rod had lovely zip-up boots on? Did you do an audience with Spice Girls? I didn't do that one. I did. I didn't ask a question because I'm a normie, but I was there. No, but with Rod, Rod decided he didn't want set-up questions. He wanted proper questions. He could handle it.

So Nigel Lithgow was that, do you remember? Nasty Nigel. Simon Cowell, before Simon Cowell. He said, will you ask a question? And I said, he said... How many times did you go up? I always, every time. Did he say, how do you deal with heckles?

And he said, how do you deal with hackles? There were always... It's OK, everyone, Frank Skinner's in tonight. Who's going to ask a question? Gerry Halliway, how do you deal with freckles? So, I... I just love this idea. People just still coming up to you

in the streets and saying, will you ask a question? I know, I've got loads. I'll tell you loads. It's not that kind of show. Anyway, so I had to say, I had a thing for Rod's tune about how do you watch football when you're in America? But anyway, he said you probably got needy because Rod said So I had to say, I had a thing for Rod Stewart about how do you watch football when you're in America? You know, it's so...

But anyway, he said you probably got needy because Rod said he's not going to take questions. He said he's made all the celebrities sit at the back, even though he's very, very nearsighted and he won't wear glasses or lenses. This isn't a very pleasant review of him, Brad. No, because there's a bit where Bradley Walsh put his hand up and Rod went, is that John Travolta?

Well, you can imagine his disappointment. Anyway, so he had members of the public sit at the front. So after he did two songs and he said, right, any questions, any questions from anyone? This bloke put his hand up and said, why don't you make good albums like you used to in the 70s? That was the last question for about an hour and a half.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a missive from Nugget. Oh yes. And it's to do with last week, if we can go back to last week briefly. And it was a moment where Nugget alleges that Steve experienced a Stoney Ground incident. OK.

I mean, it could be one of many. Do you want me to tell you what it was? We didn't know then. Yeah, go on. Good morning, Frank DME. I should explain maybe that Stoney Graham was a thing. I did a live panel show on ITV and every week I'd celebrate the joke that went the worst.

It was called Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain. Yeah, and this was the jingle that celebrated those failed gags. Some of them be fallen to me brown. There you go, it's beautiful. Is that Stanley Unwin? It's actually me. It's Frank. I thought it was the first,

the earliest recorded speech. And Frank said it was him. I still can't believe it's him. We did a radio thing where you played a recording of Florence Nightingale still can't believe it's him. That's what it reminds me of. We did a radio thing where you played a recording of Florence Nightingale. Oh, yes, that's right. That's what it sounds like.

So, I mean, put that light out. It was cool. Yeah, those ones are going... There's loads of recordings like that. There's all one bloke in 1870 going... What shall we say? For a society gal? Yeah, that'll do.

Buffalo Bill. OK, write it down. They didn't know. I mean, I feel so sorry. We all listen to these things now. They'd be so mortified. Have you ever heard my jazz fan who lives next door voice? No, go on.

Okay, so you're in bed in the middle of the night. Yeah. I'm at the party with my daddy and my daddy and my daddy

and my daddy Anyway. Come on! That should be sampled. That should be the Christmas number one. I'm sorry, he's talking about I've just held up a bottle of urine. I think what should be sampled is Frank responding to his own material by saying, come on, which I enjoy.

All this stuff about the great entertainers in the paper, what about? Yeah. Anyway. Exactly. What about you? Frank, please can I tell you about this Stoney Ground incident? Let's hear it.

Although I have to say, I wouldn't have missed Jazz Fan next door for the world. Anyway, Nugget says, last week, early in the show, 11 minutes, 11 seconds. Wow, 11, 11. This is Remembrance Saturday. A million voices.

No, that's seven seconds. 11 minutes, 11 seconds into last week's podcast, as it happens, whilst discussing a shoe you'd found in your garden. Yes. You mentioned how Saddam Hussein's statue had been whacked with protesters' flip-flops. Emily said she did that to photos of people she did not like. Yes. I might have said that.

Okay. If I heard correctly. This sounds like a policeman in court reading from his notebook. Steve then said, were you sandalised? Nothing. That genius rejoinder was missed. I must admit, I missed it. If that was the case, would that merit the playing of the Stoney Ground jingle, I'd rather miss it.

Praise withheld as per your request, Nugget. Do you want to do it again, Steve? Were you sandalised? Some of them have fallen for the ground. I don't think I did it quite as camp as I did it just then.

What I like about it is it's got stony ground, which is obviously a reference to the parable of the sower, and sandals in it, which is obviously another Jesus thing. I love that. And Steve's Jewish. So got the big three right there. I like Steve's secondary delivery of it,

which was with the subtlety of a comic on the Seaside Special. I dream... Were you sandalised? I dream of seeing a white van as on the side of it, Steve's secondary delivery. And a phone number. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. 953 has texted to say still think Steve has a hot voice. I'm getting... Steve, you can't read that about yourself. Why not? I'm not. I think that's okay. Do you? I'm getting lots of praise in this little section of the show. Yeah, hot voice. Not hot enough to cut through

on the show to get a laugh from his sound. That's quite a regular thing. Yeah, right, sure is. Because I do this a couple of shows a year. You not getting a laugh is a regular thing. I have to pray for... Steve, you know why you're going to get that in the neck now?

Because you said you had a hot voice. There's only one hot voice on this show. And that's Emily. That's the jazz singer next door. Yeah. Maybe I could start an 0891 number. Have some sort of 0891 sidekick. Yeah. So you see how it's gone now?

I'm just trying to monetise my options. Let me ask you, I'm guessing many of you like me have got over 40 photographs of Liza Minnelli in their glove compartment What? I'm not even lying

I thought I'd clean out my glove compartment this week sometimes you can leave it it really does gather clutter and i've got over 40 photographs of liza manelli in there you haven't i have why well you need to do it i should just say to go back to your earlier point it i always do it when there's a service imminent because it can be embarrassing i had a service imminent, and there were boxing gloves, a marabou, frou-frou, sort of cut-off jacket affair.

There was all sorts in there. In the glove compartment? No, no, this was in my boot. This was in my boot area. I was going to say boxing gloves in the glove compartment. That's quite an achievement. Tom Farmer's boxing gloves. Didn't say what kind of gloves.

Sorry, as you were there. Yeah, I keep a falconry gauntlet in mine just for hand signals. No, I'm talking about the junk in my trunk. If I'm giving hand signals in Sherwood Forest, I get one of those. Tell me about your 40 photographs of Liza Minnelli. Well, that was what was in there. But why? Well, I think in case I broke down. What era?

What do you mean? You've got to have something to pass the time before the AA, man. I presume these are existing, like, famous photos of her, rather than, you've not been doing some PI work. No, no, these are... Just trying to catch up on Ellie. These are just, you know, photos of her, you know, on stage and... What, 10x8s?

No, all sorts of different sizes. Where did you get them from? I think I was going to have her on my show a long time ago, and this was in the days where you didn't really go on the internet, you went and sent away for photos. And I kept these because I was a Liza Minnelli fan. Anyway, that's what's in there. There's a few Doctor Who CDs from Big Finish,

which is like, you know, audio dramas. And also there is a pair of spectacles, I think in case one of my lenses was to come out on the motorway. And you needed to look at Liza Minnelli urgently. But these are spectacles the prescription of which is I would say ten years out of date. So that could be interesting to drive home.

Sort of alright vision rather than good. Yeah, not quite Mr Magoo. Not Mr Magoo, but yes, not hawk-like. Luckily if I drive with the falconry gauntlet out the window, I'll probably get a hawk that'll see me at least to the next service system.

If you drove down the motorway with your arm sticking out with a falconry gauntlet on, with a bird land on it, 8.12.15. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, the whole glove compartment thing.

I assume from the name they were designed for driving gloves. Would that be right? Do you remember driving gloves? I would imagine. I've certainly seen. There's a certain type of driver you imagine. So a sensible driver in some nice... Quite a few. I think because a lot of the people I knew worked in factories and stuff.

Not that I knew anyone with cars until I was about 25. Yeah. But they had rough and calloused hands. I think that they were to protect the steering wheel rather than to protect the... They had very rough hands. Someone got a car. I think Arnora. Didn't her boyfriend have a car and everyone came out to have a look?

We went out and had a look at it, yeah. Second hand Mini, we went out and had a look in the management. Which rather touchingly, Frank did when I got a new car not long ago. Oh, fantastic. Yeah, I don't know if people still do that, go out and have a look at people's cars. I liked it. With a photo of them perched on the bonnet.

Yeah. I bought a girlfriend once a car. Did you, Frank? That's generous. New car, Mini. Wow. Did you phone up Nora? This isn't secondhand. I parked it outside her house. And I'd bought an enormous length of ribbon

and tied an enormous big bow around it. It was a birthday present. This was when I was in my golden years. But I love that because it's quite a footballer gesture. Yeah, now they'd be lucky to get a bit of Joe Malone. That's become the new body shop, Joe Malone. I mean, I do like it, but come on, men, have some imagination. What happened to Macaulay Culkin?

A mate of mine bought his sister and her husband a car and unveiled it on Christmas Day as a really amazing present. And his brother-in-law went, oh, this is going to be a nightmare to get insurance on this. Oh, well, that's people. People, you hear me? on this. Oh, well, that's people.

People, you hear me? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So what happened with the Mini? So, well, she drove it for many years. We went out for a couple of years, so I got the odd drive. Well, here's the question. What happened when things came, when you came to the end of the road, as it were? Oh, well, I didn't take the driving. Well, here's the question. What happened when things came,

when you came to the end of the road, as it were? Oh, well, I didn't. I didn't take the mini. Oh, OK. No, no, no. You can't just... How many miles did you look at the clock? No.

We lasted 80,000 miles in this thing. I think towards the end of every relationship, you find yourself looking at the clock. But, no, I mean, it was fair, you know,

it was the spoils of war and the spoils of love. And the spoilers of the mini. Yeah. So I keep in my glove, glove box or compartment? Oh, compartment.

Okay. Glove box? Who calls it that? Are we across the pond? Is that where we are? I think I say glove box. Oh, don't, Em. Is that...

Oh, Em. Is that what the music festival Love Box, is that just... Have I had an idiotic... Oh, my... Now, get out. Is that just based on glove box? We got through the people had rougher hands then.

I was tense that Steve was going to say something. There's no... How have I been... There's no rudeness there, is it? Is it not a panel? Lovebox? I don't like the sound of it. That's a music festival.

I've been to Lovebox, but I've never been to me. I've been to Lovebox many a time. Sometimes with gloves. We don't want to know about those years. No.

But, no, OK, let's call the whole thing Looks like you've got a mini. Fair's fair. Let's But, no, okay, let's call the whole thing compartment. Looks like you've got a mini. Fair's fair. Let's call it compartment, shall we? Okay. I feel on safer ground with compartment. I've been known to keep a bit of makeup. Oh, you surprised me. Well, there you

go. Yeah. But I kept a bronzer in a compact and an ex-boyfriend of mine once looked in my glove compartment. Oh, yeah of mine once looked in my glove compartment. And he was examining my glove compartment. Not in your love compartment. No. That's worse than love box then.

Sorry, parent professional. And the powder had scattered everywhere. The bronzer. That is the worst excuse I have ever heard. Never mind that, madam. I'm still going to have to arrest you. But I tend to keep sweet treats in there

these days for myself and Raymond, my dog. I think I may have mentioned this, Frank. I'll keep a pork scratching in there. I mean, not on its own, in a package. You know when you curl it all up at the top with an elastic band? Oh, yes. And then I keep some milk drops for Ray, the shih tzu. OK.

That's lovely. Thank you. You see, I had a mate who used to keep a kind of sort of an emergency kit in the glove compartment, and it had, like, plasters, smelling salts, polo mints he had. Wow. And he had a pair of women's tights in there,

which I think worried all of us. Yeah, yeah. And it was the old fan belt. As a fan belt goes, that used to be the standard thing. Oh, yeah. I thought there was going to be a very dark reveal that those items were taken to somewhere extremely sinister. No, he was one of conjoined twin bank robbers.

No, he was one of conjoined twin bank robbers. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text the show on 8, 12, 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What have you got in your glove compartment?

Carpenter Paul has texted. Carpenter Paul? Is that his phone book? That is his handle. On the subject of glove compartments, he says he keeps emergency tea bags in the glove compartment of his van just in case a customer makes weak, insipid tea. Wow. So he can add another one.

Yeah. Oh, I assumed he was going to chuck that original tea out and just start from scratch. No, I think... I have often thought if someone gives you really weak tea, I wish I got another tea bag just to give. He double bags it. Yeah.

And he's potentially crossing the streams of brewers. It could be a Tetley's with a PG Tips. Oh, yeah. Very dangerous. Yeah, I actually have a little sign on my car that says no tea bags are kept in this. What about if I get one that says no Liza Minnelli pictures kept in this car overnight? I find builders drink coffee these days. My experience.

They don't like a tea. When you say to a builder, how do you like your tea? Does he say, oh, builders. They like freshly ground coffee as well. Quite fussy, the builders now. So builders coffee is much more upscale. Oh, yeah, they don't do builders coffee, yeah. I imagine builders coffee is very overpriced and not done all that well. I'm quite fussed with the builders now. So builders coffee is much more upscale. Oh yeah, they don't do builders coffee, yeah. I imagine builders coffee

is very overpriced and not done all that well. Oh, lovely. Hi. Hi. I'm very happy with my builders.

I don't want to fall out with them. They know people. Oh, I'll tell you who we haven't discussed this morning. One of my favourites. Not one of your favourites,

Frank. Daniela Craig. Oh yes, Daniel Craig. Because I know you've had previous with him. Well, he stole your cleaner. There's no easy way morning one of my favorites not one of your favorites frank daniela craig oh yes daniel craig because i know you've had previous with him well he stole your cleaner there's no easy way of saying it um he did steal my cleaner though i've got um i've got an update on that what anyway let's get on with the story i don't know if i can when i know this cleaner anecdote is resting there. In case you're new to the show, my cleaner left me for Daniel Craig. He offered a more... It's not quite Freddie Star ate my hamster, but it's up there.

He offered her more hours. This was after he moved in with... Rachel Edelweiss. Rachel. Yeah. So he led her away. And she'd been with me. She was with me before him, I think. You say he led her away. And she'd been with me, she was with me before him, I think. You say he led her away, making it sound much more sinister than it was.

Well, I fell. Did she say, that's some more hours? Thank you. You've been very sympathetic to that. I know, I'm trying to think if there's a share. It's all... Char. I don't know, but it trying to think if there's a share char. I don't know, but it's all got to be an audience with Bruce Vosark.

What's the weirdest food that's ever been thrown at you? It went pretty well at Wood Green Empire in 1954. Anyway, she has now left him for a Eleanor Bonham Carter. So, the bites are bitten. I was going to say, shut the front door, and she did, behind her.

Leave the key. Did he say it like Bond? Leave the key there. I hope so. Yeah. Maybe that's why he's taken on the new film. He wants her back. It's shaken, but not vacced. Hey, do you think... I like that.

Do you think HBC upped the old price then? Well, we don't know, but, I mean, she must have. I mean, this woman, do you think she just keeps getting better hours, more money? I don't know. Why not clean the shoes? I imagine how she's just covered in cobwebs as well. You wouldn't have to clean them off, though, obviously.

Yeah. Yeah, she'd just say, just leave it as is. This is, I've gone for the Miss Havisham look deliberately. Yes, well, anyway, I don't know the ins and outs, but it gave me a certain satisfaction that he couldn't hold on to it. I mean, I don't know, in the pecking order of stardom, where do DC and HBC, where

do they? Well, all I would say is... I mean, on the BBC, I think she gets 18 quid a week. Well, the thing is, in the light of the news just sitting, which is that he's signed up to be Bond again, having previously said he would rather slash his own wrists than play Bond again, but we'll talk about that, he's said to be getting in excess of £100 million. Mr Bond! If I were her, I'd be sticking with him, if you know what I mean. Well, I'm not saying she was motivated by money.

I think she must have... I'm saying he is. Yeah, well, take that back. They offered him that much money. He said, I'm taking you to the cleaner. There you go, you see? I knew we'd get a finisher. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Finisher.

We've been discussing Daniel Craig's U-turn. His Vault Fast. I can't imagine taking anyone by massive surprise. Vault Fast. It's an A-series of Vault Fast. It's Vault Fast. Vault Fast, I believe. I heard someone recently say Vault Face, and that sounds like a villain from a Marvel comic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you should... Vault Face. Yeah, he's got electric teeth. Delete them from your address book immediately. If you're one of those people that buy bullion from daytime TV adverts. You know, we were talking about selling your gold last week. The other one is you can buy bullion.

Now, you... Steve McQueen. Buy bullion is you can buy bullion. They used... Steve McQueen. Buy bullion and have it in my house. And they've got like little, proper little ingots you can buy. Do you remember when everyone used to wear ingots around their neck? Used to be a bit of a thing.

Oh, did they? Yeah. I miss the old identity bracelet. Paul Weller revived that briefly. You know the one I mean? The sort of great train robber chic? Yeah, the silver chain thing. My sister had one of what they call a charm bracelet. Yeah, identity bracelet.

So they're now, no, they're different things, aren't they? These had Lockheed Charms on. Oh, OK. Used to get a tiny little metal box with a 10 bob note in it. Oh, yes, I know those, Frank. Yes, this is Absolute Radio. Not Radio Saga. Anyway, so, yeah, so he had been so vehement

about his refusal to step back into the shoes. Yes. Yes. But then he, you know, seemed that... Turns out his word is not his bond. Oh! Oh, come on! I mean, money was definitely a Mr Motivator here. Let's not beat around the Andy Bush.

I think that could be true. Yeah. I mean, it must be a nice job, though, hadn't it? A hundred million. I just hope that and if this were you, Frank, Frank, if you were in charge of the E.ON franchise, I believe it's called, is it Barbara Broccoli?

Oh, E.ON? It's called E.ON Company. It's not the power company, is it? No, it's E.O.N, I think. It sounds like a power company in Yorkshire. I was at I.O.N, but anyway, that's the company that owned Bond. And Barbara Broccoli runs it, I think. What about the online trading company in Yorkshire. I was at ION, but anyway, that's the company that owned Bond. And Barbara Broccoli runs it, I think, doesn't she? What about the online

trading company in Yorkshire? eBay.com. Wouldn't you be tempted to do the negotiations in the manner of a Bond villain? Well, have the old cat on the lap and all that. Oh, sit down, Mr Craig.

Not so fast, Mr Craig. He couldn't have a list of demands because it would be Craig's list. I don't know what that means. It's a website, a little like Gumtree. I've never heard of that. But it's a slightly sleazier one.

I'm so out of touch. But he properly Stephen Redgrave'd it because that's my favourite of the era of U-turns is Stephen Redgrave did because that's my favourite of the era of U-turns is Stephen Redgrave when he wins gold in 96 and they interview him as soon as he's arrived at the riverbank and it was quite a nice

BBC moment because he did a little swear because he was so tired and the BBC always have to cut around that and so Mr Redgrave said you have my permission if you ever see me near a boat again to shoot me Daniela? I know Steve. And so Mr Redgrave said, you have my permission if you ever see me near a boat again to shoot me. And then four years later, he wins gold in Sydney.

Would that have stood up in court? If I'd shot Steve Redgrave. Well, it's the other thing we constantly discuss, is that it's only his second kill that he gets his licence, Daniela. Well, we should say the character. So he's a murderer for the first kill, isn't he? Does he have to kill two to get a licence? Yeah, he's got to get a second kill. I didn't know that.

So he's a murderer for a large portion of time. He's just a very bad man. That's a legal loophole I was never aware of. He said, of course, he would rather slash his wrists than play Bond. Yeah. He then said he was very tired. He was T&E.

He's an enthusiastic self-harmer. I think that sort of sets the whole thing in context. You know what actors are like. That's why I'm a cleaner. It's just from one goth to the next. No, I think it might be the money, but I'm sort of glad, aren't you? He's good. I think he's a good Bond. I really like him.

I even like him as the stormtrooper cameo in Star Wars. He's a proper actor. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. The other thing is, we should say in fairness to him, I know he's getting a lot of money, but to put that in context, did you read that? Skyfall was the highest-grossing film in the UK, wasn't it? Until The Force Awakens.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, he's giving them the money back, Frank. I know, but I can't help thinking of Claire Balding at home saying, What next? What next? Because the product placement was... I think Heineken paid £45 million for the product placement in the previous film where he just drinks one beer and everyone in the cinema laughed

at how awkward that product placement was. So if he's that... It's a bit like when you say, you've just plonked Heineken for nothing. We could have got... Other beers are available. Yes, unfortunately, and that's what's ruining society.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, Daniel Craig... 8.12.15. ...says he longs for the day that he can walk into a pub and someone just says, oh, that's Daniel Craig, and leaves him alone.

How do you feel about that? I long for that day as well. You long for the day you can walk into a pub? When they see Daniel Craig. That'll never happen, ever. Do you think not? Not now he's been James Bond. No, that can never happen. He lived to be

a thousand. Are you suggesting it's a case of too late now your face is on the tea towel? I think, you know. As I believe Diana's sister said to her. And that's generally part of the receiving £120 million for doing a film. Yes, I think so. You can't just get £120 million for

93 minutes of entertainment. I'm jealous, guys. Jealous much, you two. I'd have turned it down. Imagine if Frank was James Bond. That would be a different thing, wouldn't it, altogether? Different show. I tell you what... Different show?

The last time I watched James Bond... She likes his show. I'm getting less and less tolerant of snogging in films. You better not watch James Bond anymore. I know, I just... Oh, and that bit where a gown slips off a pair of shoulders. I mean, embarrassing.

And there's always a slightly over-gymmed hand on the small of the back. Hand on the small of the back. There is something. Is there anything more embarrassing than the ladies' man? It's just... The whole concept of seduction is an embarrassing thing. I think it's also when you get to a certain age. Do you, maybe?

Maybe it's a kind of young man's pastime. Really? No, I don't think I ever have. The gown slipping off his shoulders. I mean, come on. They've managed to kind of revitalise the films. In terms of the action and the suspense, the recent Bond films have been really

exciting, but they haven't managed to do the love scenes at all. They're still as awkward and corny. Kind of, oh, James. Yeah. Well, there's still as awkward and corny and kind of, oh, James. Well, they're still the tuxedo on the back of the chair, you know. I think the thing, though, is they're strong women before they go and slips off their shoulder.

That's the only difference. But it's like someone's, like, redone the milk tray adverts. They've still got that. Yeah, still like that. Still absolutely. Yeah. Won't you come back? He doesn. Yeah. Won't you come back?

Oh, get off. He doesn't say, won't you come back. I was supposed to be spying. Not snogging. And now they play hard to get for about between 12 and 14 minutes. Well, the lady does. There's three things. There's extreme entrail displaying violence.

Yeah. Any sort of seduction scene. Yeah. And of course the thing that absolutely I can't watch because it gives me genuine stomach pains. Oh, what's that? And that's searching through someone's drawers and while we know that the person is about to come back in.

And then, right, when you see the flashlight outside. The flashlight. Or when you see their outline through the frosted glass office window. Still in the drawers. Honestly, I'm not exaggerating. My stomach is tensing up now. And I associate...

It's flat. It's pretty flat as it is. I really strongly associate someone arriving home in that way, I associate that with closing every window on my laptop as quickly as possible. That's part of it. I feel like a spy.

I feel like a James Bond of loneliness. Steve, that doesn't happen, Inspector. Uh-oh. It's in the deleted scenes. I'm starting to... No, it's actually in Quantum of Solace. I'm starting to look forward to the gown slipping off the shelf. Oh, Frank.

Mr Bond, you should have deleted all history. Yeah, because he does delete all history because whenever he meets, whenever they have the crossover and somebody says, oh, Mr Bond, you look completely different from what you did the last time I saw you, Mr Bond. How did that happen?

Come, Mr Bond. That would be great if Bond regenerated. Mr Bond, you're like a bit blunt. You're supposed to be like a little dark head. Mr Bond, you keep changing. I've misjudged you, it seems, Mr Bond. He should regenerate like the Doctor. Well, he basically does regenerate like the Doctor,

but never mentions it. No one brings it up. I think it's more like Miss Ellie in Dallas, when an entirely new character just appears one week. I think the Doctor hangs around with people who are a bit more straight-talking with Bond. It's August on behind his back. He goes, oh, hello, James, good to see you again.

He's completely changed. You know, I know, he's changed. Is it Lazenby says, doesn't his Bond say something like, this never happened to the other fella? Is that a line in his one? I think it is. Do you think the Bond villains say behind his back, this is nothing personal, Mr Bond.

He cannot fit into his suits anymore. He's so big, his thighs, like Will Carlin. He's getting on a bit. He needs a younger model. Maybe a black guy to revitalise the franchise. Not moving on from there. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Not moving on from there.

Here's a question for you. Yeah? If Daniel Craig... There isn't a big fuss about the money he's getting, is there? Not like, you know, the other week when it was like Gary Lineker and... You're suggesting it ain't about the bubling bubling? No, but no-one seems bothered that he's getting 100 million. Yeah, well, it's not the BBC, so there's no point in the tabloids giving it a kicking.

I suppose so. Is it... He's getting paid 100 million for pretending that's what he does for a living. A benefit cheat... There we go. ...does a similar thing. He doesn't get 100 million, though.

No, exactly. But everyone complains about that. They're all right with Craig getting 100 million. That's what's gone wrong with this country of ours. We need to see Daniel Craig and Jeremy Kyle being confronted. He's all right, Craig. He's done a good job. I think he's fabulous, I have to say.

He's properly... I think he's an incredibly beautiful man. Oh, here we go. What do you mean? Why do people have to say stuff like that trying to prove that they're all politically correct? Why is that politically correct? It's all right saying, oh, yeah, I can embrace both sides. This is a bloke.

You're a heterosexual. You've got two kids. Oh, Frank, let the modern world in. No, I love it. Come here, let's have a hug. I don't mind

the modern world coming in. Kiss me now. But I'm still going through the drawers. He just sometimes He likes to clank up the portcullis

occasionally. Don't you, darling? Oh, yes, I do. Just for security reasons. Yeah, I understand. But, you know, I don't blame, darling? Yes, I do, just for security reasons. Yeah, I understand. But, you know, I don't blame him for having a Volt Fast, or even having a Volt Face. I don't blame him for that.

I'm a Frankenstein monster. If he had gold fillings, would he have a Volt Face? Yeah. What's your most significant U-turn, other than presumably in Nora's new second-hand Mini? Well, I know, I was too young to drive that. I had a Volt Fast with Elton John. What a night that was. other than presumably in Nora's new second-hand Mini. Well, I know, I was too young to drive that. I had a vault fast with Elton John.

What a night that was. What happened? Because I never really rated Elton John. Then we went to see him live. Do you remember, we went to an Absolute Radio. Yeah. Turns out he's a really good singer. I'm very good at playing the piano.

He was really good. Who knew? Yeah. He was really good. Who knew? Yeah. He was great, though. He used to live next door to me. He loves the blues. So that was it. it I thought you know what he's actually a talented bloke

Elton John yeah late review yeah also I did say in my autobiography that if if ever you hear me saying I'm passionate about radio

it means my career is in ruins that's true I remember that there is some truth in that juxtaposition But I am now, I think I can say, passionate about radio In fact, I can feel radio's gown slipping off its shoulders as I say that What about you guys?

Well, I had a vault-fast re-Tom Jones Who, he was on my bucket list of people I'd like to go on a date with let's keep it nice beautiful breakfast Friday and then I'm afraid when he went

have you cleaned up the fries bucket yeah let's have a pause there, shall we? Let some of our people work it out. And some just text in and complain. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So we were midway through talking, I believe, Emily. Oh, yes, when I did my vault fast over Tom Jones.

Yes, so he was on your list. That was quite an anecdote. Yeah. He, I'm afraid... I didn't know you were into gymnastics. As I said, it was quite a night. Yeah. He fell off my list,

and I'm not proud of admitting this, but it was, I'm afraid, when he went au naturel on the hair front. Oh, I knew it was going to be there. Now, I will hold my hands up. I have some greys coming through. I help myself out on the hair front, but I have one of London's leading hairdressers at my disposal.

Do you? He decided, George Northwood, thank you. He decided to go au naturel, which is great. Good luck to him. Didn't like it. I thought he looked like one of those, you know, those troll dolls. Oh, yeah. You know that they have,

you know, you have a lucky sort of, I think they call them gonches, don't they, in exams. People would have them on their desks. And it was all this wiry white hair. Yeah, it was good. I thought that when Tom Jones went great, he looked like low-lying cloud on Mount Rushmore.

Yeah, that's very true. A little bit Beethoven. And I thought, you know, he looked fine, and I respected him, didn't fancy him. Oh, well. Sorry. So when's your prime era, Jones? Which would you prefer?

Or is it just, if he puts the just for men? Oh, I see. I liked him in the 70s, obviously, with the sports car and the chunky jewellery and the flair over, you know, a slightly big Cuban heel. It's just for men, just for men. What happens if women use just for men? Shall I do it?

Shall I do an experiment and find out? The fabric of reality is torn apart. Yeah. That doesn't sound right to me. It just makes your hair, grey hair, go dark. Is hair dye? How can it be just for men? I'm going to try it.

What could possibly go wrong? Of course we didn't know then. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Steve, what about your vault fasses? My vault fasses.

It's interesting that music is often one of them. I fairly recently, having never really liked Led Zeppelin, listened to When the Levee Breaks and had a real road to Zeppelin conversion where I suddenly thought, well, this is absolutely amazing. That's lovely when that happens. I had that with aubergines. I always thought...

Haven't we all, dear? I always thought that aubergines, what put me off them was they look like you know those blisters you get on your inside lip when you bite it do you know

they've got real they look like a really big version of one of those they've got real aesthetic issues aubergine yeah I've said aubergine

yeah silent S yeah thank you it's like having a night of passion with Barney the dinosaur. But now, I'm honestly getting...

I've had four aubergines this week. Four? I've had four. It will take me a year to get through one. They're big old beasts. No, I have one in a sitting. How do you eat them? I had two for me.

Well, not for the whole dinner, but my dinner yesterday included two aubergines. What do you like? Zucchini or aubergine? Sorry, courgette. I don't know. Courgette, no. Courgette's a completely different animal. Okay, don't look so irritated. Je ne courgette Rianne.

I'm talking... Is that a meal in itself, then, an aubergine you're suggesting? You mentioning Led Zeppelin reminded me of Deep Purple and that's how I got to aubergine in my childhood thoughts It's always interesting to retrace these things Honestly I've got

aubergine problems at the back I live them alone 99 problems Michael Jackson wrote a song about them Aubergine What about Michael Jackson wrote a song about... Oba Jean! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, we've been discussing Daniel Craig's U-turn on playing Bond. We've got a text from Stefan in Nottingham who says, Hi, Frank, I have a theory regarding James Bond actors. If you can name another movie the actor has been in other than Bond movies, then they are famous.

If not, they are James Bond famous. So Daniel Craig needs to be thankful he's not the next Doctor Who right now. Why? So I think Stefan is implying that we would struggle to name a non-Bond film that Daniel Craig is in. I can actually think of a few.

Oh, I can name loads. Enduring Love, he was lovely in that. I wouldn't have known any he was in. Layer Cake is the one I know. Oh, hold on. I'll tell you what he was in. that I wouldn't have known any he was in Layer Cake is oh hold on I'll tell you what he was in Cowboys and Aliens yes

come on Daniel Craig you are famous and he had a terrible faux beard in Our Friends in the North yes indeed which was a TV series

I think the theory it's certainly a true theory that Timothy Dalton I could not tell you another film he's been in, or George Lazenby, for that matter. No. I wouldn't know it.

Well, I know he was the Big Fry Man. He's an advert for Big Fry, which was saying that Fry's chocolate bars had got bigger, and they had him carrying these enormous chocolate bars, and that was how he got spotted, I think. Oh, really? I'm surprised Stephen hasn't got that work now. That would be a nice gig for him.

Who's that? Stephen Fry. He could have that gig. Big Fry? Yeah. He could be called Big Fry. Exactly. That's a good point, that, though.

It got me thinking, I was trying to think of what... The Hill. Yeah. Sean Connery was in a film called The Hill when he didn't wear his toupee. Well, he was in so many, Frank.

I mean, I think Sean, in fairness, established himself. The Untouchables. I think that was the first thing I saw him in, possibly even before Bond, even. Oh, OK. Have you seen the trailer? This is people talking in the pub now. Have you seen the trailer for Daniel Craig's new film?

He's in a film called Logan Lucky, and he sports a broad, deep south accent. And he sort of sounds like Cletus in The Simpsons where he's obviously enjoying himself but it's proper like, I'm gonna rob a bank. No. It's a treat. Sounds like Al

Gore. Frank Skinner, interviewed him. You can download it on Absolute Radio. Absolutely marvellous, may I just say. Thank you so much. I absolutely loved it. And I've got a bit of a crush now on Al Gore, Frank. On an audio basis?

I think it was the Tommy... He's grey. You know what it is? Yeah, but I'll let that go. He's a set, you know, he's a set. He's Al, big Al. It was the fact that it was the Tommy Lee Jones way he pronounced that very southern whin, whill. Oh, he did something to me.

You know, Tommy Lee Jones was his roommate at college. You gave me that intel. I loved it. Anyway, we need to discuss the Great Pineapple Ban. Obviously. Yeah. In all these festivals for the young people, Sarah on the show probably goes to them. Now, can I, before we go into it, can I mention that?

Someone was talking to me about they'd been to a festival, right? And they were people... How old were they? I wouldn't say they were my age, but they were in their... David Baddiel era? Late 40s, early 50s. And they were talking about being there, and they said... And the great thing is, you know,

the young people who are there, you know, teenagers, they're not at all judgmental about people our age being, you know, at a festival. And I said, I've got to stop you there. They might not be, but I am. And I said, and these were people I didn't know terribly well, to be honest, but I said, I've got to tell you,

I find it very squirm-making when middle-aged people talk about being at festivals. Why? I don't know why, but they're always... Oh, just thinking about it now. Look, I'm folding... You know when you fold your arms a bit too much because you're a bit...

Is it... They're always somewhere I've never heard of. They say, oh yeah, we went to Clampdown at the weekend. Oh, did you? Yeah. We're going to Rettison's. Oh, yeah, we went to Rettison's. The Lighthouse family were absolutely

amazing. If you're going to go, I mean, wear an Elephant Man Hessean head cover and don't tell anyone. But really, middle-aged people at festivals. I'm sorry, I know it's bigotry, I'm not justifying it, but it makes me feel physically nauseous.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've had a text saying, Timothy Dalton was in Flash Gordon and Hot Fuzz, therefore he is famous. And that's from Timothy Dalton. They've all been in films, just that we don't know them, do we? It's what I call, you know, my nine items or less stars.

Well, exactly. I mean, I think most of them fall into that. Piers Brosnan is in The Last Good Friday as second Irishman. No, but he's in Mamma Mia. Oh, I've got nine items or less, Frank. Yes, well, that's a big one, isn't it? All right, blokes in the pub, can I just add my contribution? I've got nine items or less offering.

Go on. Rita Ora. Yes. What's the song she's ever done? I can't name any. Thank you ever done? I can't name any. Thank you. Yeah. I can't name any.

I mean, what does this woman do? Lovely looking, I won't deny. Looks right, nice skin. Looks... Unblemished. That's enough. Basically unblemished. That's enough these days.

Oh, I'll say. Now... Plenty. Read the festivals. So, Frank, you were saying you just think young people... I think they're for young people. I mean, even a man I know who is older than me said, did you see any of the Glastonbury coverage?

Older than me? And I... Who was this? I said no, which was a lie, because I thought it was a trap to try and human-game me. I said, no, I didn't. I'd actually watched a bit, but I wasn't going to tell anybody. And then he trap to tell you in game. I said no I didn't. I'd actually watched a bit but I wasn't going to tell anybody. And then he started

to talk brazenly. Brazenly about the fact he'd been watching it. Wow. What goes on tour stays on tour. What was he saying? Was he saying there's some great tracks? Yeah. He was saying yes. You can't do that. Well I realised I'm getting old because the band who

the Pineapple Band relates to, I know virtually nothing about. The Glass Animals. Glass Animals. Well, we explained what this is, the Pineapple Band. We should explain. Do you care to explain it, Steve? So they have a song called Pork Soda and it features the line, Pineapples are in my head, repeatedly through the song.

It's a band called Glass Animals. Is it based on, is it a pun on the Glass Menagerie, the play? Well, it could be. But I'm worrying about features like pineapples are in my head. I don't know if that's a connection to things that might have happened in the past. No, apparently he overheard someone say it in the street. What, pineapples are in my head?

Yeah, and he thinks, and then he loved it, but then thought, maybe I've misheard. Yes. But it just stayed in his head. The point is they've now banned them. I'll tell you what it could have been, I don't know, but I know that there is a shop called Pineapples R Us in my head. And somebody, he said, do you know where I can get some pineapple?

Pineapples R us in my head he heard that and it's frowning so they've banned it essentially because their fans kept on bringing pineapple related things

so they hold them up during the song yeah I mean I have a certain sympathy with this band can I say because I think

I just swallowed really loudly if I was going to be attacked with any fruit I think pineapple would just swallowed really loudly. If I was going to be attacked with any fruit, I think pineapple would be high on the list I wouldn't want it to be. Sure, yeah. They are.

They are sharp. Absolutely. They are. You can hardly... I mean, even if you pick them up in a supermarket, well, you need tongs. Yeah. They're rough, sharp and old.

They don't want to be eaten. How dare you? Can we just accept they do not want to be eaten. How dare you? Can we just accept they do not want to be eaten. Everything about them says don't eat me. And I sympathise with the band because the song is called Pork Soda. So if they've been

pelted with pineapples, that's one thing. But pork soda, it could be a can of lilt wrapped in some bacon in honour of pork soda. So there are worse things their fan could throw well this is all I mean John Tradesant must be rolling in his grave

I used to live by Lambeth Bridge on the River Thames and on each corner of that bridge there is a pineapple and I believe that's because the grave of John Tradesant who's a man who brought pineapples to England, is very near.

Well, I know his grave's there. I went to see it. And buried him in chunks, which I thought was very bad taste. But it's true. Yeah, he brought them over, so, you know. It's his bad., he brought them over, so, you know. It's his bad. Was he buried with syrup?

Please don't. In the topical stories, you cannot ask me that question. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were just discussing the controversial pineapple ban. Yes. So this, which festival is it? It's Reading and Leeds. So you cannot take a pineapple,

you couldn't take in a tin of pineapple chunks? No. Yeah, I believe it's a blanket ban. So I'm actually doing the comedy stage at Reading, so I'm tempted to maybe try and bring in a Hawaiian pizza. See if I can smuggle it in. Can I ask, have you ever

tried to eat an entire pineapple in one go? Good heavens no. Far too acidic. There's something that it does to your mouth. I can't quite explain. If anyone knows, anyone who's into fruit science...

Extraordinary shout-out. I'm a fruit scientist. Has any other DJ ever done that shout-out? Anyone into fruit science out there? Perhaps not. You heard it here first. You know when you have Coke sometimes? Coke, Coca-Cola.

Thank you. And it does that, your, Coke, Coca-Cola. Thank you. And it does that, your teeth feel like chalk. There's a very similar thing that happens to your mouth, the roof of your mouth with pineapple. Frank, as you're discussing it, I'm getting the sensation. Yeah, yeah. Are you getting it? Yeah, yeah.

Can I ask you, actually, on that point, why is it called the roof of your mouth? Surely it should be the ceiling. Yeah, that's it. The roof is the upper top. Maybe that's it. When a pineapple celebrates how delicious it is, it goes, I took the roof off.

Yeah, but they didn't. They took the ceiling off. It should be the ceiling of my mouth. My mouth ceiling. Yeah. You tell them, boss. I'm going to say that. Maybe there's confusion

because the ceiling of your mouth could be just when you close your mouth. Oh, well. They'll soon get used to it. Can we get down to the bare bones? Are these people just strung out? Why are they dancing around with pineapples anyway? Have you brought props to

bands? Never. I've never heard of bringing props. I mean, Rocky Horror Show, we used to take rice. There's an Australian band I really like called Weddings, Parties, Anything and they had a line in one of their songs that was I'm ten cents short of a dollar and they had

to start playing it really early in the set because their fans would be so drunk that they would violently throw ten cent pieces at them. And on all their YouTube clips, there's this shower of coins. And it's a really beautiful song. They basically had to stop singing it because... It's not a bad little earner. Well, also, you know what, Frank?

What a lovely little insult, shower of coins. I'm going to start saying that. It's a good collective insult. I'm going to start saying the ceiling of my mouth. Is that one of the windmills of your mind? My mouth ceiling. I took the skin off me mouth ceiling. I might get a small

lamp fitting to hang. I'll get my roof of my mouth. No, ceiling of my mouth. Get it pierced and get a small light bulb. And then, Frank, will you use the, is it the ovalver at the back? What is it called? Ouvula. Ouvula.

The ovula as the light switch. Yeah. So turn it off and on. We'll have to, it will no longer be the ovula, it will be the mouth chandelier. Lovely. Oh, I like that. There's something I don't like about that. Why? You don't like old people at festivals? You don't like the inner workings of There's something I don't like about that. Why? You don't like old people at festivals? You don't like the inner workings of the mouth?

I don't like oral fixtures and fittings, generally speaking. I went to the Clash once at the Hummingbird in Birmingham, you know, Dale End. And there was a guy with me who had... Remember people who used to wear padlock chains around their neck? Oh, yes. And the bouncer said, you can't come in without one, mate. And he hadn't got the key.

Oh. So he couldn't get in. But I've never heard of taking a prop because of a song lyric. Is there any other example? I was trying to think of props. I know of people who've done, you know, dances. There were certainly, even with fairly obscure indie bands, there was a band called Madder Rose

that John Peel absolutely loved. And there was a special dance for their main song. You had to pretend that you were swimming, but it was quite bleak because there would be seven people who knew it. Well, I can... The dances, yeah,

I can see that one. I remember... Well, Agadou, Push Pineapple, Shake the Tree, that was the last time the pineapple... I can't remember doing that at Reading. And apparently the singer from Agadou was detained at Her Majesty's Pleasure and he had to do it across the prison courtyard.

How long did he agadoo? Oh, that's me. I, um... I, uh... I remember I got to a point in the 70s where I could do YMCA in a joined-up writing.

Oh, lovely. That's a real advance. that's a real advance this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio we've had quite a few responses on the taking props

to see musicians and bands 265 has said whenever Mark Almond appears at the Rewind Festival the festival goes take inflatable pink flamingos

as a reference to say hello, wave goodbye, and they wave them in the air and it looks amazing. Lovely. That's good. That's really great. Just hearing you name check a festival gave me a slight shudder. What's it called, that one? Was it the Rewind

Festival? Yes. Oh my goodness. And apparently Kate Nash's fans throw lemons. Joking. Because there's a song it's in Fingertips I think it's the song. No, Foundations. Oh I know that one.

You say I must eat so many lemons because I am so bitter. Well I don't know what next. What about ups upside your head? Oh I am so bitter. Well, I don't know what next. What about upside your head? Oh, I love that one. I think that's why we've done so well in the rowing in the Olympics. Do you?

Yeah, I do. I think I bet you Steve Redgrave would never have thought of rowing until he went to a disco in his youth when on the rowing thing. Honestly I think it got people into rowing. Do you think he did it at a wedding and then afterwards he said, if I ever row at a wedding again, you've my permission

to shoot me. Yeah. I do. I think rowing and same-sex relationships were brought about largely by upside your head. We've had an explanation for the pineapple sensation, Frank. Oh, the thing on the ceiling of your mouth.

A number of people have been in touch about that. Karen H, I didn't mean to sigh with such world-weariness. Karen H says, Pineapple has an enzyme that dissolves proteins and the tissues of your mouth are mostly made from protein. Wow, that, it's dissolving you. Yeah. I tell you, it doesn't want to be eaten.

It's incredibly spiky and coarse, and then it dissolves your mouth when you eat it. Yeah. What about when you swallow it? I find most of me is made of protein. We've all been spiky and coarse in our youth. Before my two-point naughtness i was spiking course well i'm still capable of both but really that that sounds horrible

that's a pretty powerful pineapples everyone horrible pineapple enzyme oh god pineapple enzyme the enzyme is called bromelain so i don't know if there's a West Brom reference there or if that's what they, if it's actually called that. The next time I have to use a false name when I check into a hotel, I'm going to call myself pineapple enzyme. I reckon I'll get away with it.

It's a lost Captain Beefheart tune. Ah, Captain Beefheart. I'll tell you what I thought. When you said someone had heard in the street someone saying pineapples in my head What's the Frequency Kenneth the REM song that was a mate of his

who got beat up or something the chap kept shouting What's the Frequency Kenneth it was someone like Dan Rather one of the famous american news presenters who got attacked by someone and the the person who attacked him was repeatedly shouting what's the frequency kenneth brilliant well not brilliant that he attacked him no i mean i like those um where did that song come from but we won't get into that no otherwise it's going to start sounding

like a radio show and it'll be what about some songs with colours in the title misheard lyrics misheard lyrics no one ever I would happily listen to half an hour of you just naming festival names

from your nightmares well you probably will after this show this is Frank Skinner Well, you probably will after this show. We've had a couple of communications from the readers. Alex has texted on the subject of props. He said, I bought a massive bouquet of white gladioli to Morrissey's gig. Oh, yeah, to Morrissey. When he did Meltdown in 2004.

And he said he was then required to leave the flowers at the cloakroom. He wasn't allowed to bring them into the gig. A Morrissey intemperamental shock. Didn't Morrissey do Brimless as well that year? You know that festival? We've also had an email from... Last week, Frank, you were talking about paper boys in America. Why is it always less?

Why is it always lacking in the festivals? Sorry, carry on. And Neil from Connecticut has responded. My thing was, in films, when you see paper boys delivering papers in America, they just chuck them in people's gardens. They don't get off and put them to the letterbox. And I said, is that real? So, meanwhile... So he's replied,

Dear Frank, following your request to clarify if newspapers are thrown on the lawn by paper boys in the States, I can advise in the area I live, Connecticut, papers are placed in a special delivery box next to the mailbox by the side of the road. In films, it always seems to be warm and sunny,

so maybe it happens somewhere like California. The lawn method would not work during a New England winter as we would not find the papers until the snow had melted in the spring. Well, that makes sense. How lovely to hear from Connecticut. Oh, that's lovely. Oh, I think of a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court.

Oh, yeah. Danny Kaye? Mark Twain, I was thinking Court. Danny Kaye? Mark Twain, I was thinking, but Danny Kaye was in the film. Yeah, thank you. I think Mark Twain should get the top listing, top billing. Well, that's true. I'll give you that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Can I plug something? I don't plug stuff on here,

but I'm doing a gig, a charity gig, on the 18th of September at Shepherds Bush Empire, and I'm hosting it. I have no material, and I have to find... So I think it's good watching famous people struggle. I saw Bob Hope once after he had some sort of mental blockout, and he was endlessly entertaining. So it'd be like that Michael McIntyre's on

and Harry Hill what's the gig? it's for young minds which is mental illness in young people we'll put it up on the Twitter calm to it because any help I can get

Catherine Ryan and Jimmy Carr. Anyway, lots of people. I don't normally do that but it's charity. Is this a one-off? Are you gigging? No, I'm not. No gigging. It's just a completely walk-on, completely cold.

But I will have some, you know. We'll see how it goes. Oh, well, it's the charity. We've had one more communication about pineapples from Giles who said that it's correct about it dissolving protein and that some pineapple workers can end up without fingerprints. That's handy. So we could be on to the perfect crime.

That would be handy for a pineapple bank job. Carlos the Jackal. What about him? He really just would have found that useful. He always needed to take on a new... He was on the run, wasn't he? He died, didn't he, Carlos the Jackal? When he was alive.

I thought so with his family. Never get much of a mention, the Jackals. I went for Christmas at the jackals this year I was there it's alright we had the darts

we had a game of darts you can't beat them they're absolutely amazing I'm going to write a sitcom a one off called Christmas with the jackals

when I go around Carlos the Jackal's house with his family. Steve the Jackal, Sue the Jackal. Oh, I'd love some good sitcom music with that. Oh, man. Rands of applause. Here's the Jackals. Yay, Carlos. It should be a song, shouldn't it?

But not mentioning the Jackals. You know, American sitcoms have songs that say, Hey, we're family and we love each other. And then it comes up, Christmas with the jackals. Thank you so much for listening. You know what? I've been watching the news is on while watching this. I completely forgot that Bruce Forrest had a moustache.

That would have been a good texting. Celebrities you've forgotten I had a moustache that would have been a good texting celebrities you've forgotten have got a moustache anyway I never used to say moustache until I lived with David Boudet, I used to say moustache and that's one of the many things he taught me thank you so much for listening this morning and

bring on Vic Feather. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio.