The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Contrabassoon

Episode Date: March 17, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank was spotted at the Opera, he is thinking about getting a cabinet for his awards and he very much enjoyed some kid's theatre this week. The team also discuss The GC doing Masterchef, hotel hacks and there's a Harry and Meghan update.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with, um, I'm also with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. That'll brighten things up a bit. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. God bless you. Morning Frank, what a lovely start to the day Oh yes Now What else? Well we'll be ready

We've already had some Quite a way to start a show I like what else We've also been hearing from the outside world You don't want to go straight into that do you? Do you want to go into that? He likes to go straight in now Can I tell you something?

Whoa whoa whoa I had a conversation with my He likes to go straight in now. Can I tell you something? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I had a conversation with my, I believe the phrase is significant other. Yeah. And I asked her a question. I said, Kath, I've been thinking, I've got quite a few awards. I was thinking about getting

a little cabinet for them, you know, a display cabinet. What did she say? It was a bit of a silence. And then she said, honestly, I think that's the worst thing you've ever said to me. Why doesn't she like it?

And I said, well, you know, I go to other people's houses and they've got things and I've got, you know, and she says, honestly, that's such a bad thing to do for our child. I mean, that gives all the wrong messages. I said, okay, I won't do it. So that's the end of that.

When you say you go to other people's houses and they've got awards, I'll stick with Binliner. But I mean, you know, Gary Lineker, I presume you mean.

I think for sportsmen it's kind of okay. No, I've been to people's houses where they've got their BAFTAs lined up and stuff. I think, what are you supposed to do with them? I don't want to go into like Boris Becker thing where I'm hiding my trophies.

Oh, and you lose track of them. Yeah, and then when I go bankrupt, I'll be able to find them. That would be annoying. We don't want that either. If you do put them somewhere, at least keep an inventory, will you? If you do put them somewhere, make it eBay, love. 74K, as we know Paul Catamol got from S Club 7. Not bad.

Do you think it was the worst thing I've ever said? Heavens no. Daisy was nodding then, the producer. Nodding in a very over-done kind of way. I don't know, I thought it was... In a way, it's less pretentious to put them on show. Let me work that one out. Have you got a pencil?

There's got to be a way of justifying that statement. Anyway, there you go. Well, you were spotted last night, Frank. But it's nothing to worry about. No, OK, that's good. It was in lovely cultured circumstances. I wasn't at a cabinet make at least. This is from Jenny Farley, who's got in touch to say,

I hope Frank enjoyed La Traviata tonight. Ah, well, I must say I very much did. Oh, good. She goes on, I spied him from my seat in the orchestra pit. Oh, wow. In case he's wondering, I was on piccolo. Oh, nice. Playing pitches, probably more appropriate

to conversing with small birds or beckoning dogs. So the piccolo player spotted you. That's pretty. Because if someone says to me I was on piccolo, I'd assume it was some sort of social... Right, yeah, yeah. What's the word? Media?

Yeah. Yes. I always want to say social network based on that film. Yeah. I know you do. I mean, I always want to say it. I don't want to say anything else. That's lovely, though. I fancy getting that message from the Piccolo player.

Jenny the Piccolo player. And that is a good instrument to choose if there's anybody at the age where they're choosing an instrument for being in an orchestra Is that right? Well I mean think of the logistics, Jenny the piccolo player has got a much easier journey to work than Susan

the double bass player They carry their own Unless the piccolo comes in one of those you know those cases you get on baggage reclaim they're about 30 foot long and you can't work out what's... Maybe it's like the full range of piccolos. There must be piccolos based on a different key, had there?

I'm sure Jenny's the one. Jenny'll know. I know nothing about the piccolo, I must admit. She'll be having a lion, she's a musician. I have to say, people often mock me for going to the opera, but if you've never been, I think La Traviata at the Coliseum,

the English National Opera, I think at the moment is a very good starting point. Absolute radio everyone. Cracking tunes. Cracking tunes. Where real music matters. Love story and a bit of stocking top.

I mean, some are for everybody. Perfect. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a suggestion, eh,

about what you could use your awards for. Oh, come on. Are we okay to read it out? Come on. Keep it clean. 389 has said, Use your awards as door Oh, come on. Are we okay to read it out? Come on. Keep it clean. 389 has said, Use your awards as doorstops. Practical, and it makes it seem like awards don't matter to you.

And they add in brackets when they kind of do. That's quite old school Hollywood, that idea, isn't it? I don't like it. Do you not like it? I don't like losing the heat out the room. And also, I think that is more showing it off than having it

because at least if I put it in a trophy cabinet I'm saying I'm really happy that I won this I'm not saying you know what it means nothing to me but I'll leave it out if you notice it you know it's you know like when people put things on the wall of the toilet certificates and things

on the toilet in the toilet thing I always smear them with my own okay let's leave it there okay I think that's what they're basically asking for

yeah no I just think it's I mean I don't have that many it wouldn't be a massive cap no you don't have that many no exactly and also as a person that abstains from the demon drink you could have it I mean, I don't have that many. It wouldn't be a massive cabinet. No, you don't have that many. No, exactly. And also, as a person that abstains from the demon drink, you could have it set up like a Del Boy bar.

You could have just loads of awards. Maybe some of them put upside down, like... Well, the Perrier Award is actually a bottle. Oh, there you go. Perfect. That's lovely. Frank, how many are we talking? I'm going to say eight. Eight thousand.

Probably ten. Okay, you can't... Ten that I wouldn't put up... I don't think... Ten. I wouldn't put up 90 minutes is lad of the year. Oh, right. For example.

You wouldn't? No. I don't think... Maybe I would put up rear of the year as the ironic thing against all the others. Oh, you should put up rear of the ear. The thing is, is ten enough for a cabinet? What you don't want to do is have to put three books in the middle.

How many is in Theresa May's cabinet? Oh, very good. How many? Question. Eight, twelve, fifteen. Yeah, how many in the cabinet? Probably. Maybe I could have a shadow cabinet.

So they're in a cabinet, but it's not lit, not illuminated. So there's just a sense, a sort of noir, a noir awards cabinet. So I'm not pushing. They're not flawed lit. Just you have a sense of them there on the periphery of the dinner party. And if people are interested, I can always have a little mag light. Nice. In a drawer.

We all love using the iPhone torch, don't we? Everyone. Oh, yeah. Well, you could have some nice... Other smart phones are available. Do we have to say that? I think we have to say that. Do you still have to say that?

I've been reading the manual this week. Oh, have you? Oh, how's it going? You can and can't, so... I've just remembered the thing about swearing excrement on other people. Other people's framed goods. I've just remembered now that came back to me. That's a shame.

But I think you're allowed one slip, as long as you move on and don't draw any attention to it. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 677 has been in touch. I think I've accidentally kick-started one of my crazy text-ins. Oh, yeah? Hi, Frank and co.

Thrilled that you enjoyed the opera. Another difficult instrument to carry. The contra-bassoon. Love, Rachel, the contra-bassoonist, but not from the ENO last night, though. Is that like a stolen bassoon? Contra? Contra band? Yes. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. What a contra-bassoon? I mean, a bassoon is one of those... Is it one of those? Yes. I don't know. Is it one of those? Yes. I don't know. Is it woodwind? Is it in the woodwind family? Don't look at me.

Is it... Yes. Is it woodwind? Sarah, our assistant producer. Correspondent. Were you classically trained? In what instrument? In singing and actually, unbelievably, the bassoon.

In the bassoon? You bassoon in the bassoon you were trained in the bassoon here we go contra okay the legit bassoon I like the way

I like the way you say trained in the bassoon not learnt to play trained it is trained in the bassoon I would think so

if next time anyone says to me I play the bassoon I'm going to say contra or legit well what's the bassoon, I'm going to say Contra. Legit. What's the other one?

Yeah, I wonder. Yeah. But that's brilliant. That's great classical music. I'm going to go the kosher bassoon. Kosher bassoon. Don't you get that thing when you see someone in the street carrying a carrying case, which is clearly some sort of classical instrument,

violin, Contra bassoon, piccolo. Don't you think, I bet that's an interesting person. Yes, I do. And when you see someone carrying an acoustic guitar, I always think, that broke off to ruin somebody's party. Yeah, but he can clear a party out. Or an emotional landscape.

Everyone's thinking, Oh, oh, no, Nathan's brought his guitar. Get him drunk, see if we can get him drunk. And I know we'll have friendship bracelets on, and he's had a gap

year. Yeah, exactly. We know. But if I see someone, I don't even know what the box is, but you know there's a musical instrument of some kind in there. Yeah. I love a musician. How do they make those cases? Do they get the instrument and then build it around them?

It's papier-mâché at first. Is it really? No, I don't know. Do you know what, Frank? If ever... They didn't put hard shell on it. Well, if ever I see someone with one of those carrying cases, if you're calling them,

I always think my handbag's going to be safe. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's the life of the Stradivarius. They might approach you with a doggy and manuscripts and try and get you to fond their symphony. I don't mind that. I don't mind that.

That happened to me a couple of times last night at the opera. Did it? No. But I tell you who was at the opera, Paul Cook, the Sex Pistols drummer, at the opera? Did it? No. But I'd say he was at the opera. Paul Cook, the Sex Pistols drummer, was sitting a couple of rows

behind me. Has he calmed down a bit these days? Well, he's at the opera on a Friday night. Oh, lovely. Yes, I know. It's good to see him.

That was like when I saw Keith Flynn asking for scones. Where was it? It was on a plane. What, in the street? No, it was in the plane. That's the most avant-garde form of begging

I've ever heard in my life. That's what I think. If I'm ever reduced to, let's not say reduced in the current climate, if I ever choose an alternative lifestyle of begging, or if it chooses me, I think I'm going to go for some more precise... You don't have any Rolos, do you, mate?

I think you've got more chance then of standing out from the crowd. Yeah, definitely. You don't have one of them Pontifract cakes? It's a fancy one of them. You wouldn't do that in Pontefract It's a wash with them Yeah Licorice, red licorice Got any red? No, no

Got red licorice Not all sorts Yeah, I think that might be the way forward Could be it I'll remember that should it come around Skinner Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. I have something that's just come in, which is, well, it relates to the both of you. So I think it would be most suitable if I read this out. I'll begin. This is the new formal me. Morning allen and the dme i just wanted to thank question mark frank for the fairly new personal hygiene technique that has now become a subconscious part of my post shower routine after numerous weeks since it was discussed on the show I'm still spraying antiperspirant on my knee pits

before getting dressed keep up the great praise redacted PS, Alan I had my dinner at the ship inn in Midfield yesterday Murfield I'm so sorry, he said Midfield it's a typo, these things happen yeah but I should have known that

under the watchful gaze of a framed photo of your good self they have on the wall. That's hilarious. I think this now makes us drinking buddies. That's from Daniel Fortis in Dewsbury.

The Ship Inn in Merfield is a pub that I worked in during my teenage years. And now your picture's on the wall. Apparently. If you want an image of progress in life.

Yeah. That's it. You could insert the word slow into there. If you want an image of progress in life, that's it. You can insert the word slow into that. If you want an image of slow progress. And the watchful gaze, were they working there then? That's amazing. I'm really impressed by that. I did not know that. And I return to Merfield fairly frequently, so it's interesting.

Frank, we should go on a little pilgrimage i sense there's a mix of thrilled and also i wonder what picture it is yeah yeah that's what i think oh god there'll be a denim shirt knocking around in it possibly i hope so that's brilliant now if there's any other frame photos of the cockerel. No, no. Let us know, 8-12-15. I vastly preferred the texting about musical instruments than framed photos of me. Yeah, I might go to Merfield just for smearing. That's great.

Did I tell you I was in Edinburgh once and I went, this bloke had black and white photos on the wall of all the celebrities who'd eaten at his pizza restaurant. I'll tell you this. One of them was Frankie Valli. And I said, oh, Frankie Valli. And he said, yes, he came in here. And I said, I better know what pizzeria.

He said, I don't remember what pizzeria. I said,'t remember what I said no but Frankie Valley in the four seasons I said I better know what pizzeria he said really I don't remember what I said but you know he was in the four seasons he said I don't know he's a very nice man but I don't know what pizzeria such a

when am I going to get a chance to use that again he wasn't going with you on that. No, that was desperately disappointing. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I, um...

Oh, I'll tell you what. On the Huddersfield luminaries... Oh, yeah. I met Sir Patrick Stewart at a football match a couple of weeks ago did you? he kept that quiet also from Merfield I believe so

we lost but you can say that every week we talked about how we were inspired by examples from sport in our lives. I like that it's become we now with Frank and Patrick Stewart. Me and PS go back a long way. I was saying that when I was having relationships rather than

being in one long term one I was inspired by the great fast bowlers or slow bowlers who would go in and bowl

delivering and get walloped for six and be disgraced and they'd turn around and about seven or eight paces

back into their walk back they'd already put it out of their minds and was forgetting about it. Forgot about it, I was thinking about the next one. Like McEnroe Ball. Doing their best for that, yeah.

It's a very good life lesson. Yeah. And he said he'd heard that Billie Jean King said that there's only one point in tennis and that's the point you're playing at that moment. Right. And he applied that. Early adopter of mindfulness.

Wise words this morning on Absolute Radiant. I wrote to Billie Jean King. I wrote to her in... Oh, that was one of your letters. You wrote to Alan Bennett and suggested you write together. But I didn't. I was young. I didn't know what her address was.

I wasn't that young. But I just wrote, BJ King, America. And I've got a sign letter of Bill Clinton. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Can't work out. Oh, no. Can't work out.

So I went to the theatre this week. Opera, theatre. He gets about, doesn't he? Yes. I went to see Nog in the Nog. Oh. Do you know him? No, I don't. Well, I do. I remember it when I was in the Nog. Oh, lovely. Do you know him?

No, I don't really know him. Well, I do. I remember it when I was a child. Yes, Oliver Postgate. He was the Bagpuss Man. I don't know. Yes, he did. I think he created Bagpuss.

Yeah. I'm sure our readers will tell me if I'm wrong, but I think he might have. And you'd remember that because the main character was called Emily, of course. Of course, of course. But Emily loved him. Yes.

Yeah? Well, I was... Many have heard that. Yes. Yeah? Well, I was... Many have heard that. I was obsessed with them, yes. Sometimes I've even meant it. And, oh, please. Always I've meant it. Well, not always.

Let's not get to the other extreme. You know what? I've seen quite a bit of kids' theatre over the last five years, and it's generally awful. Oh, a lot of it is. And I think it's a real, oh, it's only kids, which really winds me up.

I've often thought, I wish I was wearing a backpack flamethrower. But Nog in the Nog, which was at Leicester Square Theatre, in fact, they only went because I... I said that voice because that's how it was, Frank. In the cartoon, it was like a war report. He went, Noggin the Nog. But it was because it was trialled at Alan's gig at Leicester Theatre. I remember you coming through and going,

well done, I think I'm going to come and see Noggin the Nog. What I like, Al, is there was about 50 contemporary comedians. All trial, Frank's like, I think I'll go for Knocking the Knock. Do you remember they had a Dublin-esque tribute act? And I was saying, you could have... Don't tell anyone. Just turn up. Anyway, so Knocking the Knock was brilliant.

Great. Yeah. Really, really enjoyable. Oh, really? I loved it. I got Buzz on his little booster seat. This is Really, really enjoyable. Oh, really? I loved it. I got Boz on his little booster seat. This is some hashtag late review. Nogging the Nog was brilliant.

I suppose it's a modern review. Nogging the Nog was much better than Hamilton. Frank Skinner. That is a fact. Absolute radio. There's a poster quote for it. I don't know if they can put that on their poster. That would be quote for you. I don't know if they can put that on their posters. That would be great, though.

I don't know if you can do that on posters. Can you say things like... I'd give them a lot of respect if I did say that. If you're in Chicago, could you say it's a lot better than that thing on down the road in your posters? That would be good. I don't know why you can't, because you're sort of saying, sometimes they say best show in the West End or something.

Yeah. I think you should be able to. I'll tell you, knocking the knock, I thought it was cleverer, more interesting, and just more enjoyable than Hamilton. Crucially,

very cruel. Frank, did they have the music? Because the music, we were talking about Basimis this morning. The guys were playing it live. The guys? The man had one of those

is it a harmonium? It's like a little organ but it's got a pedal on it. I'm asking Sarah our musical. Oh, she's looking confused. 8, 12, 15. What does the harmonium mean? It is a bassoon. She doesn't want enough. It was a bassoon though. The theme was a bassoon originally.

I feel a buffoon. Carry on. What about there feel a buffoon. Carry on. What about there's a baboon that grabbed a woman's boob in the sun? The accent makes her okay. It does, doesn't it? Well, he just thinks if he does a funny voice, it's fine. In the sun. Was he in the sun or the mirror?

And the headline was graboon. Oh, very good. Come off it. Please don't send in your headlines for that story because I feel they could become coarse. Yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, did Buzz enjoy knocking the knock? Oh, he loved it. Absolute Radio. So, did Buzz enjoy Knocking the Knot? Oh, he loved it. Oh, good. When we were leaving, he said to me,

I want a picture of the four men from Knocking the Knot. And I said, well, look, there's the leaflet. Right. There you go. Give him a flyer.

It's Disneyland every day for that child. And he said, but there's only three of them on there. And I said, no, there... Oh. And there was only for some reason. It's like those football team pictures when one of the players wasn't there

and you got him in a little box. They still do that. And I said, well, I'm sorry. And then he started going, I just wanted a picture of all four of them. And I said, what, I'm sorry. And then he started going, I just wanted a picture of all four of them. And I said, what can I do about it? And this woman from the theatre said, they're still in there, I think, tidying up.

So we went in and I said, look, I'm sorry, but there's only three of you on the leaflet. Can I have a poster of all four of you together? So we sorted it out. And I felt really proud of myself that I'd gone the extra mile. I feel proud of you that you went back at Noggin the Nog. Yeah, exactly. I think that's one of the greatest instances of going back ever.

Showbiz privileges, no bounds. It's all right, son, I know people here. But you know what I mean, I've taken the easy way out too often. But in this case, and I thought, no, I'm going to get him, his picture of the four nog in the nog people good for you

I actually got him with them as well oh nice that's nice but if honestly if you've got a kid and even if you don't have a kid

there was a few old guys in there I could see just like nog in the nog when they were right if it's near you go and see

nog in the nog it's top end absolutely Hamilton no Hamilton no If it's near you, go and see Noggin the Nog. It's top end. Absolutely top. Hamilton, no. Hamilton, no. Noggin the Nog, yay. I might go and see it.

Honestly. I'm not taking anyone with me. I'm just going to go on my own. Well, I'll tell you something. I bought the DVD this week on the strength of it. The collected Noggin the Nog. Should I go and see the live event, or shall I just come round and watch the DVD? Well, you're welcome any time.

Strangest bro date ever. Just give us a chance to get your photo up. I don't want you to think there are places that you've connected with where you're not fully represented. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Many have. Let's hear from some of those guys. Well, we're talking about Nog in the Nog this morning on Absolute Radio. Yes. And you were saying... You were saying, Frank, that you would like to,

in your review of it, you would like to cite Hamilton. I'm thinking that... As being an inferior production. Advertising generally, you don't often hear them say this is a much better car than a Vauxhall

I can't think of any kind of Vauxhall Cavalier Yeah, I mean that would be a strange thing to say unless it was a very old advert No, she was saying your behaviour is your behaviour is Cavalier I am slightly Cavalier Vauxhall Nova

What about that? What I'm saying is you wouldn't say it going? Corsa. Corsa, lovely. Insignia. It's better than a... Vivaro. I could keep going.

I mean, we can't just think of cars all morning. No, no. Frank, Bernard has been in touch to address this very issue. Not now, Bernard. That's a short... What's that from? It's a short story that I mentioned on the show. Oh, OK.

Frank, Emily and Alan, I used to work in advertising. That's it. No, it's not. But now I'm a chiropodist. Yes, Frank. Can I just tell you that I once saw an interview with an American director and they asked him the best actors he'd worked with. And he said someone like Charlton Heston,

a big actor, and then he said, and the British actor, Bernard Cribbins. He's a fantastic actor. But sorry, he's a chiropodist. This is Bernard, yes. He says, anyway, that's neither here nor there. Wow. Just to say, in the 90s, it was fair game

to compare one product as much better than another. It was called, and there's a phrase for this, it was called knocking copy. So to say the knock is better than Hamilton is simply a case of, he then calls it knocking copy. Yeah, very good.

Oh, I like that. I'm very happy with that. Sorry this isn't better. Bernard. Well done, Bernard. That's, so it's called knocking coffee. Knocking coffee. Do they do it on the meerkat thing?

Is there a hint there that it's, I don't know. Maybe it's illegal now. But anyway, noggin better than Hamilton, it's official. Okay. I'll tell you what as well, you know I've been obsessed with Anglo-Saxon history of late. Who hasn't? Yeah.

And that was one of the reasons I wanted to go and see Noggin, because I think Noggin the Nog was my first real experience of Anglo-Saxon history, although it's about the Vikings. It's about the Vikings, yeah. But they did come over, as you may know. And so I... Infamously, I seem to recall. Yeah, so the next day was Mother's Day

and Kath said, shall we watch a film in the afternoon, Sunday, Mother's Day? So I said, what about Sword in the Stone, which is also set in a similar thing? So we watched that. Good. How was it? Have you seen it? Do you know?

Have you seen it? Well, which one? Is this an olden days sword and the stone? You know, the Disney cartoon. Oh, yes, okay. Has there been a remake? Yeah, I believe so.

Has there really? I may be wrong. I don't know. Okay, so I remember this one, yes. And it's the bit about, you know, they see whoever can take this big sword out of an anvil

is king of England. Yeah. And nobody can do it, so he's just forgotten. And then this kid's looking for a sword, and he just pulls it out. I have a theory about it. Do you? Yeah. I mean, the idea is it's because he was, like, you know,

ordained by God to become King Arthur, and that's why he could take it out. Right. But I have another theory, but the little red fez. Obviously you're using this as a tease. Yeah, it's a sword in the stone theory. That sword in the stone theory coming up later, everyone.

Cliff hanger. Wow. Pretty good. Let's all keep them. Some people are probably going to go out and they'll say, hold on, we're going to have to hear this. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, I think the sword in the stone was like, I don't know about if this, but every key I've got and every door in my house, none of them are straightforward. Oh, right. Do you know you have to do that thing where sometimes you have to lean on a door?

Are you suggesting you have to wiggle it just a little bit? I think it needs a bit of a wiggle, the sword in the stone. It's one of those, sometimes you have to pull the door towards you and sometimes, there's one door where I have to go in

with the key so gently, I barely touch it and turn it like a feather. If you try and be brutish with it you'll never do it. And I think the sword in the stone was that it just so happened that Walt, the kid, just got that little wiggle

that you need to get it out. Yeah. He found an arc. That's my theory. Okay. And then, this is my last Anglo-Saxon thing, I went to the V&A.

I bet it isn't. I went to the V&A. I'm just saying,. But it isn't. I went to the V&A. I was just saying, but it isn't. I went to the William and Eileen Roddick room, Case 13. I'm not familiar with their work. Very specific, this anecdote. Is there any relation to Razor?

I doubt it. And they've got Anglo-Saxon jewellery in it, and there's, amongst other fabulous stuff, there's a ring. Quite horrible, mainly, isn't it? You know, I think it's great. Oh, it's horrible. Really?

With brass cuffs. Oh, that sounds good. Well, if it's the same sort of thing I'm thinking of. There's a beautiful silver ring with, like, a dragon on it, which was found in the river. I don't like it. It sounds like the thing you buy online, Frank. I don't like the silver ring with the dragon.

What river? Thames? It's down in the Thames at Chelsea. Really? And it made me think. You know, we have a series on here called... I tell you what I haven't afraid is a regained jewellery story. Regained? You know when people say, I lost this ring

and I thought, that's it, that was the end of that and would you believe it? Yeah. It turned up. People were always telling me those.

They seem to have got it. Twelve years and then it was down. It was in a fish. We had this fish and we cut it open. In a fish. She was cutting up

their own fish. Yeah. Do you remember this very ring I'm wearing here? Can you see that, listeners? Yes. And I lost that. I was upset about it.

And I played in a softball game once a week. Strong redevelopment. I turned up the next week and I put on a mitt. You know the mitt that you get? Oh, yeah. And my hand, there was a dozen mitts in the bag. I just that you get, and my hand there was a dozen mitts in the bag, I just picked one out put my hand in and the finger went straight

into the ring that was just left in the finger Oh shut up! I mean come on! It's the only, it's the closest thing to a sidekick experience I've ever had I mean that's bringing me closer to the believer end of the spectrum than the...

So, I'm hungry if anyone's got any regained jewellery anecdotes. Send them our way. You know what? What's happened to this show? Bring it on. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 948 has texted. We'll quickly do this because I don't want to do loads of these, Frank, but I think you might. Golfing. On the theme of finding lost jewellery, my wife lost...

I knew. I knew it was out there. You knew it was out there. It's definitely out there. My wife lost the diamond out of her engagement ring. We had it replaced, but then nine months later, when weeding the garden, saw something shining in a crack in the patio, it was the lost diamond.

I mean, how good does that feel, though? Can I just say, so had a row and threw it out the window. Come on, let's be real. Good for you for bringing it to them. I was thinking magpie. People need a dose of truth in their life. They need a bite of the reality sandwich

and I'm here to serve it up, baby. I was thinking Magpie Treasure Trove. That's what I like about you. You're thinking it went Colleen Rooney through the engagement ring into a squirrel sanctuary. Yeah, I love that. See, I find that story exhilarating.

The feeling of seeing that sparkly diamond down there. I wonder what they did with it, because they'd already replaced it. Yeah. I should imagine they went straight to the pawnbrokers and got a load of cash for it. We've had so many of these. No romance in it. Gold lockets, wedding rings.

No romance in it. You're right. All sorts. Hey, listen. We cannot leave this morning without discussing one of our favourites. Okay, we have to promise we don't have to have one more regained jewellery before the end of the hour.

You will get it. But in the meantime, let's go to one of our very own diamonds. What about the JC? Oh, I love the JC. JC? Yeah, but that's her accent I'm doing. Oh, is it? Oh, I see.

That's how people speak in London. I didn't know she was Indian. We have a thing that people who say, when you do an accent, people say, oh, really? I didn't know it was Welsh. It's all right to hit them in the face, apparently. Yeah, we don't like it. Anyway, when we last checked in with her, she was plummeting down the trap door at the Radio 1 Teen Awards,

and what happened, Al? She didn't even get a tenner for turning up. I knew you were going to say that. That was the bit of the story that we were most tickled by. Apparently she said... Because she fell down a trap door, it was quite a moment. And I didn't know this, she said, because she fell down a trapdoor, it was quite a moment. Yeah. And I didn't know this, she said on This Morning that she thought she was going to die.

She did? She thought she was going to die and it was near fatal. At what point did she think that? Because the plummet, you'd think, would be quite short in duration. Yeah. To actually put together a thought. To envisage your own demise. I wonder if I'm going to... You don't have time to...

No. Am I going to... Even that? No. Gone. And then she saw some staff down there working, saying, get her back up, her legs are going to be crushed, apparently. How small were the staff down there working? It's her back up, her legs are going to be crushed apparently. How small were the staff down there working?

I think it was the borrowers down there. Did she fall into hell? She actually plummeted into the underworld. And then was rejected by the Elsevier and Orsman. If we had one person on the planet who could tell us of their experiences in the

underworld and really rewrite the book of what people believed. The fact that it was Gemma Collins. That's what I say. So good. But what was odd is she, I saw that fact, she said she thought she was going to die and it was near fatal and then confusingly went on to describe it as the best night of her life. Yes.

Which I just was a bit confused. It's a rollercoaster, isn't it? Her emotional ride. Now, there was a thing about that she was a bit confused. It's a rollercoaster, isn't it, her emotional ride? There was a thing about that she was falling into machinery. She said, what people don't realise, I was falling into machinery. Yeah. And she also said she wet herself. Did she?

But laughing. She was briefly incontinent. Oh. Yeah. Which I don't worry about that combination with the machinery. Yeah. Well, I worry about that combination with the two Love Island guys. But what about...

I mean, I'm glad that she was, you know, relatively unhinged, though she says she still suffers with pain now. Bruises, back pain. But who doesn't say that when they're... Putting in a cup hook, then. Yeah, but I wouldn't suggest that for one second. No. But Gemma Collins has lived a colourful life,

and God bless that, to have died because her urine came into contact with machinery after falling through a trap door at the Teen Awards would be one of the great showbiz deaths of all time. I just think that would be the demise to write home of that. Wow. What about when her mum was crying? She said, my mum's been crying.

I said, mum, please pull yourself together. She's been very brave about the whole thing. She has. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. 245 has texted Frank, you do realise that the GC Gemma Collins' mother is actually called Joan Collins, hashtag truth I hate to say it but I think

that might be a bit of a big moment Oh, we've got a big moment jingle Well hey, I'm not Nice Excellent Well my birth name is Collins moment jingle. Well, hey, I'm not... Nice. Excellent. Well, my birth name is Collins, so could Gemma

and I be related? Wasn't someone spreading that as a bit of gossip? No, that can't be true. They were. If she'd have worn that brown dress

with the shoulder pads, she wouldn't have dropped through them. Couldn't have gone through. Which we should say was Alan Carr's Halloween costume. Oh, excellent choice.

It was a good choice. I wonder if we'll hear from Albert Pierpoint's niece about trapdoor, falling through trapdoors.

She texted in last week about hanging. For people that are new to the show that is quite a lot of catching up. Just trust me, it's true.

It's interesting that Albert Pierpoint's niece is a reference point. Anyway, the point we haven't made is we're not just going back to an old story. There is new breaking GC news. Do you want me to tell that? Go on, tell the nation.

An insider told The Sun, no less, after the incident, it didn't look as though Gemma would ever work with the BBC again, but there has been some peacemaking behind the scenes. Yeah. I love this. We should say, Al, she was talking about lawsuits and all sorts. Oh, yeah, she was going to get well-

Not licorice lawsuits. It wouldn't be the worst suit she'd been involved in. Lawsuits and all sorts? Bert wouldn't be the worst suit she'd been involved in. She wanted... All suits and all sorts. Bertie Dass didn't talk about it. No, she was talking about suing the BBC. She was. She said, I'm not backing down.

I can't. She wanted Strictly come dancing out of it. That's what she wanted. I don't know if you can barter your way into these things. Well, it seems you can. It seems in a way you can, because she's got MasterChef. I think she said, I want Strictly, and the BBC went,

oh, MasterChef? She went, all right. So there was some deal-making. That's what they said. Some peacemaking behind the scenes. She said, I'll let bygones be bygones if they let me do Strictly. She's an original thinker. I worry that some of the best British dealmakers

have been wasting their time on this instead of Brexit. That's my worry. Do you think they've used the conciliation service? I guess. Or they got Kofi Annan involved. I don't know who it was. I would pay £1,000 to be at a meeting where Gemma Collins turned up with the ombudsman.

Well, funnily enough, Frank, Gemma Collins once said on Celebrity Big Brother that if someone makes you a cup of tea, it's like they're giving you a thousand pound. Oh, really? Yes. There are times when you really, really want a cup of tea. Yeah. I love it. But, um... Anyway, the point is, she wanted flowers.

She said, look, they didn't even give me a bunch of flowers. That's what she was upset with the BBC about. There's no acknowledgement. If she'd have died, she'd she wanted flowers. She said, look, they didn't even give me a bunch of flowers. That's what she was upset with the BBC about. There's no acknowledgement. If she'd have died, she'd have got flowers. That's the irony of it. That is one of the ironies, yeah. That's the irony of life, isn't it? Yeah.

Lovely. I think she could have done better than MasterChef. You think? Yeah. She could have done worse as well. I wish her agent had gone in harder and got her

a three part documentary on the English Civil War I love the idea you know how Lucy Worthy always dresses up

in her feet a shot of Marston Moore mist mist and then emerging through the mist Gemma Collins as Oliver Cromwell.

Oh, man, the OC, as he was known in his day. I mean, how absolutely brilliant that would be. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about Gemma Collins and the BBC I should say

have denied that they did a deal to get her on MasterChef They said it was nonsense to suggest that this is in some way a form of compensation and it was down to her suitability as a contestant I have to say at this stage

that the Muhammad Ali documentary I did a little while ago was direct compensation for Heston Blumenthal climbing on my back. That is good to know. So I know these things go on. Based on this evidence, anybody that did the jump on Channel 4 is going to be quits in, aren't they? I mean, yeah. They'll be hosting everything on there.

Big payday for them. Yeah. I did think it was a bit odd when I saw the list of presenters

for Civilizations and one of them was the woman from S Club 7. That's a shock, isn't it? Have you seen

that Civilization? I haven't. This is the new Civilizations, isn't it? It used to be Civilization but it's a shock isn't it have you seen that Civilizations I haven't this is the new Civilizations isn't it it used to be Civilizations oh did it they've added an S

an S in a sort of Nan way in a sort of like Marx's progressive Cliff Richards in a sort of saying it's not going to be like

just you know Western right blah blah imperialism and I tell you what's been great I've watched the first two Simon Sharma

and Mary Beard and as well as liking the shows and liking them Imperialism. And I'll tell you what's been great. I've watched the first two, Simon Sharma and Mary Beard. And as well as liking the shows and liking them, they've both got, I mean, the sort of teeth you don't see on television anymore. Right. It's like there's a simultaneous history of dental hygiene going on. A sort of an Easter egg, as they call it, in the show both i know i want to call it sweeney teeth because they used to have a lot of teeth like that yeah william hartnell i always

think the first doctor had i mean teeth that he'd obviously got whilst time traveling into medieval england but um simon sharma i know i was one i don't know him, but I was in Cheltenham and I went into... There's like a smoking hot at the back of the Hotel de Vannes in Cheltenham. Oh, yeah. And I went in and he was there smoking an enormous cigar. Right. Oh.

Simon Sharma. Well, that explains the Chaucerian teeth. That would be the teeth, yeah. And if I remember rightly, Mary Beard has got an obsession with coconut mushrooms. Oh, really? Do you know those traditional sweets? Don't know those.

Oh, yeah. So there's a new bloke on this week. I can't wait to see what the teeth are going to be like. If they keep that up for the whole show, I'm in with a chance of presenting that. The fence has arrived. Oh, has it okay so uh i was gonna tell you about um when i went on the one show and with my child's plant which he'd planted himself and they love things like that so i went on showed him that and somebody dropped it and broke it oh and i had

to go back and tell him and he was he quite well, took it a lot better than I did and two days later they sent us a terranium as an apology what a result lovely, very hipster as well is it a terranium? so hot right now

if you don't wear socks you need a terranium that's a sleeping one anyway there you go. Story of how I got a terrainium. You promised me another jewellery recovery story. I know, but there's so many. I think we can do some next week.

What about that for a suggestion? Sure. Come on! Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

I'm not Frank Skinner. I'm Emily Dean. Frank's had to leave because he's actually going off to see his son Buzz performing today. And Alan came out with a bit of a zinger whilst he was leaving the studio. What did you say, Alan? Well, there was a conversation. I didn't even mean to zing him. There was a conversation about all the different shows

that Buzz has done recently, and I said, oh, he's on stage more than you. I think you said he's doing more gigs than you right now. I did say he's doing more gigs than you right now. It wasn't meant to be a zing. It was an accidental zing. Well, it was a good accidental zing. Anyway, you can follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, I wanted... Oh, actually, we need to give credit where it's due to Stefan Longden, is that right, Daisy? Who came up with a great big moment jingle for us. And I think we've got some, haven't we? Oh, yeah, we've always got big Mo's knocking around, haven't we?

Hi, one of my colleagues just dropped a Big Mo in the office. Hoover isn't the name of the device, it's the brand name. Hoover's are actually called vacuums. Such a good Big Mo. I love that. Actually, I had one as well, which is, did you know, this is from Chris Q, I got this in the week, I get my midweeks, you know you get your Friday night trawl, I get my midweeks. Did you know

Professor Brian Cox played the keyboards in Pop Band D Ream? Did we ever? Do you know, I'm going to give it another one. Two in three minutes. When people say that to me, I say, things can only get better in this conversation. What, when they say two in three minutes? No, no, when they say that Brian Cox was the, I say things can only get better in this conversation. What, when they say two in three minutes? No, no, when they say that Brian Cox was the... I say things can only get better now from henceforth.

And then you say your son's got more gigs than you at the moment. Accidental zing. We've had a text from Andy Bush, friend of the show. Oh, shut up. I love Andy. Absolute Radio's Andy Bush. I love that man. Absolute Radio's Andy Bush. It's Andy Bush here. I'm doing a baking class in Capitals. He's doing a baking class in Lyon C

and they've got Absolute on in the background. Anything you want baked? Oh, dear. I mean, carbs are the enemy. Oh, well, I don't agree. So what are you going to go for? I like those Portuguese custard tarts. Are they baked?

I don't really know much about baking. You've gone a bit specific in middle class, sort of Hoxton bakery. He has. Yeah, I know, but just go Victoria Sponge for the man. He's starting out, probably. Oh, is that... Am I not at entry-level baking? What about some focaccia?

That'd be nice. Pardon? It's OK, it's clean, it's fine. Al, I want to talk to you about hotels. Oh, well, I'm always in them. No, I know. It's not in a sleazy way. Oh, no, no. I didn't think it was. But you're a man. You're used to it.

You're familiar with a hotel, aren't you? Oh, I'm always on the road. Yeah, you're on the road. So I discovered a life hack this week. I'm going to call it a hotel life hack, which is... I mean, I think it's going to... I'll get my pen ready. if I was a basic bloke I would say mind officially

blown. Oh, well that's the sort of person that I am. Don't hoover up my territory. So did you know that hoover is the Anyway, this hotel life hack was discovered by someone on Twitter. I know you're a bit of a Twitter refuse Nick. You don't like the Twitter do you? No. Okay. you're a bit of a Twitter refuse, Nick.

Yeah. You don't like the Twitter, do you? No. Okay. It's a place for a row, isn't it? I'm not up for rows. I know, but it's great. If you want someone to tell you that you've made a spelling mistake or you're a talentless fool, I find it really useful for that. I can do that by spending time at home. Frank just has to come to the studio.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Can I say that when you took up the seat that Frank Skinner had previously occupied, you put his headphones on and said, oh, he's got very low ears, Frank Skinner. He's had enough abuse this morning. I don't know what that means, oh, he's got very low ears, Frank Skinner. He's had enough abuse this morning.

I don't know what that means, though, that he's got low ears. He has got low ears. And I also then said, if we're going to come full out and say all this, I said, I think my hair must be shinier because the headphones were sliding down. Oh, that's good. Anyway, I want to tell you,

I should say, I don't think I even introduced us. I was so excited to be in Big Daddy's chair. I think you did. Did I? Well, anyway, do it again if you like. It's Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. Kills me at time, doesn't it? You know me so well. I'm telling you about my hotel life hack. It's not mine.

I've got my pen and paper at the ready. Okay, it's very 70s of you. I like that. This is from At Oog. I don't know if that's their real name, sounds a bit nog in the nog. But they revealed a genius discovery. Right. Wait for this, Al. I think I should find some sort of a jingle for this, don't you?

What about this? Yeah, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Thanks for providing some with the lyrics there. I like that. I've got tinnitus now. So, yeah, you're going to get compensation now from Absolute Radio.

Oh, gosh. You might end up on Absolute 90s. What you do is you can use any card. You don't have to use the room key card to activate the power switch by the door. Oh, yeah. Oh, what do you mean? You knew that? I'm afraid I did, yeah. I knew that. Is this an idiotic eureka moment for me, then?

No, I think... Did you know this? Yeah, I did, yeah. Do you know that makes you at least 42% more attractive in my eyes? Well, it's all about incremental improvement for me. I'm like a sports science guy but this was extraordinary news can i get some facial expressions from that yet both they didn't know they didn't know i think people know that i stay in a lot of hotels so you're a hotel kind of guy well i was just i was just really shocked to hear it because i can you

can use any card so that means you can charge your phone while you're downstairs for example because sometimes the power sockets go off uh yeah yeah it does you seem really disappointed by my revelation confused by the charging your phone i thought you were going down to reception with your charger and plug there i just got a little bit of a a steer that was wrong so you don't think this is the revelation that everyone else thinks it's all right it's gone wild has it really yes the internet's gone wild with it oh wow sometimes i'm glad i'm not on there but i'm i'm sure it's useful it's good info for people that haven't got it i got a big mo i

feel so patronized i've got a Big Mo email. I've never felt more talked down to. Oh, yes, I have. Following on from the Big Mo is Gary Oldman's sister. The story that Irish playwright Samuel Beckett used to drive Andre the Giant to school has been told to me a few times like I don't know it. I mean, who doesn't?

I'll tell you who. Me. Until Regan is. Neither of us knew that. I don't think that is a Big Mo. That's not a Big Moment. That's a big moment that's not a big moment that's a big scoop that's a huge surprise

I'm calling that breaking news Daisy have we got a breaking news jingle no we need to get on to that now I'm going to find something that I think will work I'll say something ok this is breaking news that's good

is that good Irish playwright Samuel Beckett OK, this is breaking news. That's good. Is that good? Irish playwright Samuel Beckett used to drive Andre the Giant to school. Also... Who knew? I like this is Absolute Radio here this morning. You're getting all your Samuel Beckett fresh news. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. now listen we need to talk about this hotel room life hack which we've been discussing this morning because i said i discovered this via twitter and it's the knowledge that you can put any card the lady in question used a Waitrose card, for example. Match. Other stores are available. Yeah. Into the power switch slot.

Yeah. For example, you could put a Boots Advantage card. I love the fact that you're going to go through them. Blockbuster card, if you're not using that anymore. Oyster card, because the world is your oyster suddenly. I'd be worried about it wiping those cards, you know? You know when they say... Well, it's not revisionist, the power socket.

But sometimes hotel room key cards cannot stay in the same pocket as a mobile phone because it makes them go a bit iffy. I love that Aesop's Fable. Yes. It's a modern version. Al, I've had some lovely people getting in touch with me. I'm saying they're lovely because they're offering praise.

They say, I never knew about the AnyCard revelation. Eureka, that's from Neil Gilbert. Thank you, Neil Gilbert. And Spooky Fish says he didn't know about the card slot, so I feel we've enlightened our readers. If you're trusting Spooky Fish and Neil Gilbert, then I think you need to look at the company you keep. I'm with 820, who says the keycard trick...

Oh, 820. 820 says the keycard trick doesn't always work. It depends on the type of key switch that is installed. 820. A bit of knowledge there. A bit of a party pooper there. Dropping truth bombs. Well, I don't know.

I find it quite life-changing but while we're on the subject of hotel rooms i've got a question to ask you oh right and it's not that okay i want to ask you something which is to do with uneaten plates oh yeah uneaten food on plates so you know when you finish up your plates yeah i want to know when is the optimum time service yes right when is the optimum time to leave the room service dishes out so that they don't pile up in the corridor and you feel a bit like elvis i just always feel a bit sort of it looks a bit sleazy that would be a good texting 8 12 15 when's the optimum time to put the tray of like burger bun yes three chips and some dip i want to know how because i just don't think it's very good for my brand leave leaving all these dirty plates

outside in the corridor yeah but i always seem to get it wrong and then when i get there the next morning it's still there and people give me strange looks i just put it out or i don't sometimes i just leave it in the room until i've gone i I love that about you. Yeah, well, you know, I've got a devil-may-care attitude to room service trays. People know that about me. You're like Axl Rose. A bit. You're not like Axl Rose at all.

I also have a question I want to ask you about turning down. Oh, right, yeah. Not that kind of turning down. I just mean when they come and pull your duvet back. Yeah. OK? Yeah. I'm going to leave that hanging there.

Another tease. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know who we haven't talked about today as far as friends of the show go? Peter the Wild?

No. Prince Hal and Meghan Markle. I like that you've gone a bit Shakespearean. They're calling him Prince Hal. I think we should be calling him Prince Hal. Why does no-one call him that? You're right. I think maybe it's just not the done thing. It's just a bit old school.

Perhaps what I've just done is treason and I'm up for the high jump. Well, they don't observe the protocol anymore. They hug, they do high jump. Well, they don't observe the protocol anymore. They hug, they do all sorts. Well, they are still observing the protocol because they're engaged, Hal and Meg Markle. Yeah. And apparently the Queen has now given her approval

and that happens. She's signed a great seal of the realm. This is the joy of the royal family. When they get serious, they do get a bit Game of Thrones. Yeah, it's so Game of Thrones. A great seal of the realm. I mean, other people are going to a registry office, but they're asking their gran to sign the great seal of the realm.

Well, she has to give her permission, apparently, doesn't she? It's her formal consent, essentially. I mean, obviously, there's 2,000 daily mail comments saying, well, she's done this reluctantly, she didn't want to at all, she doesn't like it. Oh, is that what they've said? Of course, of course. I mean, although it is touch and go with pensioners,

you've got to catch them on the right day. If they haven't seen Antiques Roadshow, they can be in foul moods. Well, I can be like that, but I'm not a pensioner. Love it. Love a bit of the Antiques Roadshow. But she said yes, which is good. Yeah, she's gone through it.

Oh, that's a relief. And so they've been in the news a bit of the Antiques Roadshow. But she said yes, which is good. Yeah, she's gone for it. Oh, that's a relief. And so there's been in the news a bit this week, Prince Harry. Well, it's Henry. Henry. We should say his real name is Henry, after the Hoover, maybe. Yeah. He was named after. That's right.

Which, you know, Hoovers are actually, that's the brand name. Shut up. The vacuum. I didn't know that. It's a thing. So Henry the Hoover and her real name is, do you know you get pink Henrys, can't you? Is that quite, oh, they're all nodding. That's how my hotel life had, they all know.

Yeah, we know about the pink Henrys. She's called Rachel. She's not called Megan. Did you know that? Oh, no, I didn't know that. Oh, you didn't know about the hotel room key, but you didn't... Well, you know what I mean.

Her real name's Rachel. But she's going under her stage name to marry a royal... Well, I don't know, because those are their real names, Henry and Rachel. And I think they sound a bit like the sort of couple that you would meet on holiday. You'd come from Clapham and you'd try and shake them off a bit. Yeah.

So I think Meghan and Harry's a bit better. Yeah. Well, anyway, they're on their way. Like, the Queen has done the bit of admin that they really wanted her to do. They're on their way. They're like the England team. I like that. But also, I was interested in that name story

because did you hear that revelation about Prince William changing his name? Oh, yeah. What's he been doing? Booking into hotels? No. When he was at university, when he was at St Andrews, in order not to stand out, he asked people that they refer to him as Steve. Steve. Steve. Now, I would suggest that at a place like St Andrews, which is, frankly, too posh to function, that would make you stand out more being called Steve.

Yeah, absolutely. St Andrews in a bar, someone says Steve. Why are all the posh students hanging about with the guy that does the lawns on the golf course? Also, I like the fact that his name would have been Steve Wales. It basically sounds like a darts player. Of course. Also, I like the fact that his name would have been Steve Wales. It basically sounds like a darts player. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

We've had a reply. We were asking when is the best time, the optimal time, to put your tray out after you've eaten room service with the sort of leftover bits of grub. That's our text in this morning. That weird sort of big tin thing that they cover up the plate with. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, I can't bear that. The dome. The dome.

I don't like the tin dome. Basically, you've got that, that tray and bits and bobs and sometimes some condiments and it needs to go outside but it doesn't want to stay outside. Sometimes on you've got that, that tray and bits and bobs and sometimes some condiments, and it needs to go outside, but it doesn't want to stay outside. Sometimes on a wheelie tray, Al. Well, here's some response. We've had a solution from Ian Angle, regular. I want to do a solution jingle.

Oh, OK. Because I'm feeling drunk with power this morning. Aren't you? What about, I'm going to go for this. No, that's quite appropriate. Emily, just leave it outside someone else's room. Problem solved. Do you know, that's amazing.

Game changer. That's a brilliant hack. I'm going to do that from now on. It's not a bad idea. Yeah, but what if you're caught? How embarrassing. Yeah, that would be a bit embarrassing. I want to get back to Harry and Meghan, or Prince Hal, as you like to call him.

I do like to call him Prince Hal, yeah. When you went a bit 16th century on us. You're going to discuss the raised eyebrows that got in the news. Well, I do want to talk about that. Right. Could you please, well, you tell us what happened. Royal Correspondent, I can see you as well. I'm not quite sure why it happened or got so much news,

but basically Liam Payne sung a song who I don't know, I don't know Liam Payne's work but he sang a song it seemed like it had gone alright and then he fist bumped a pal in celebration and apparently Prince Harry sort of gave a raised

eyebrow to Meghan Markle and she giggled. What did he mean by the raised eyebrow? Did he mean that was... Okay, I'm going to translate that in heat radio terms. Okay. Basically, Liam did a performance and then Harry threw shade at him.

He threw shade at him? Because he's squad goal Cheryl. He's what? Oh, I can't explain. The girls know. He's team Cheryl. Oh, okay. So he Liam and Cheryl are together. Are they, I can't explain. The girls know. He's Team Cheryl. Oh, OK. So Liam and Cheryl are together. Are they? I don't know if I can start talking about this on Frank's radio show.

It is a bit heat radio. Oh, OK. But he was performing and Liam and Cheryl are sort of together, but I think they might be in a little bit of trouble at the moment. Right. So the suggestion was that Harry was defending Cheryl by raising his eyebrows. Do you see? Yeah, but it looked like he was raising his eyebrows at the fist bump.

It looked like he was anti the fist bump. Well, yeah, because it was a bit cringeworthy. The fist bump after the performance was a bit like when my niece is with her friends and I go in and say, hey, great tune, this. I love Drake. Love Drake. Not the most embarrassing fist bump in the news this week. What about Theresa May doing one to a

member of the public in Salisbury? Like, what is going on in the world? Hashtag embarrassing, aren't he? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I should apologise to a lovely man... Never apologise.

Never complain, never explain, as I believe Kate Moss's motto is. I should apologise to a lovely man called Steve, who's just tweeted me to say, hey, what's wrong with the name Steve? Good point. So, apologies, Steve. There's nothing wrong with the name... Could well be Prince William. ...Steve Stewardson.

I'm just suggesting that it's not very regal. OK? King Steve. Do you know a King Steve? No. I don't. Do you know a Prince Steve? I mean, I could go on, I won't.

Here's some information that people don't know, necessarily, from one of our emailers. Yeah. I found out this week from the front font of all knowledge that is facebook that the numbers on the dials on toasters are for the number of minutes the bread will be cooked for not some mystical shade algorithm you're welcome oh my god i didn't know that that is a producer shaking her head and she's across a lot of technical things so i think she would know that means that is a game changer. The producer's shaking her head. And she's across a lot of technical things.

So I think she would know. That means that if you've got a three-minute task, you could put the toaster on and, you know, then you can drop down and do three minutes worth of press-ups or whatever it was that you were considering doing. And you've got, you know... I like the sound of your kitchen. Girls doing press-ups on the kitchen floor.

I say that because I once knew a bloke who was, as they say in the health magazines, shredded. And I said to him, what exercises do you do? And he said, oh, I don't really exercise. And I said, really? You don't really exercise? And he said, oh, every time I put the kettle on for a cup of tea, I just do press-ups all the way through until the kettle is boiled. I was like, that is doing exercise. You do do exercise. He was ripped, guys.

Do you know what? I'm really glad. I wouldn't want to go around to his. No. I just don't think it would be very relaxing. So what are you up to? Well, I'm okay. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Are you all right down there? I don't want someone doing press-ups, getting ripped. We're all different. Anyway, I'm a little bit concerned about Harry and Meghan because I read in the papers that he is teaching her to drive on the left and use a manual, as the Americans would say, a stick shift car. I mean, surely they've got the money that they could get some Pass Plus L-plate learner driver, show them how it's done, because it's only a matter of time before he's going,

I said third, that's fifth, Megan! Well, also, I like the way they described Al, which was he is teaching her how to use a manual gearbox, which sounded like she was going to have sort of protective goggles and a jumpsuit. And also, what's she going to drive? She's going to get married to a prince and be driven everywhere driving it's in case she's in she gets into a little bit of trouble right she needs to be able to flee drive the getaway car couldn't they just get a chauffeur or a bodyguard to teach her. It's not a good idea to teach family members or those you love to drive, is it?

No, it's a terrible idea. I mean, I had about enough time with my driving instructor. I couldn't imagine. I said, I don't understand how roundabouts work. And he just went, look, he goes after him, goes after him, goes after him. That's a really bad explanation. And also, don't bring my love life into it. after him, goes after him, goes after him. That's a really bad explanation.

And also, don't bring my love life into it. Listen, I think we're going to have to go now on that bombshell. But it's been lovely being here this morning. Coming up next is Sarah Champion. Thank you, Alan, by the way. Thanks, Sonia. Thank you, Frank. And most of all, thank you, me. Be seeing you.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.