The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Cooking Apple Face

Episode Date: October 29, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The A-team are together. Frank has a question about the sales and creates his Gotham character. The team discuss silverfish, divas and the Townley Venus.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yes, Emily Dean's back! I'm here. Well, she's all you'd ever want. She's the kind that'll have to flaunt and take to need. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I think we've already had a Twitter-based... We've had a tweet, Frank.

A tweet, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't describe it as 100% positive. OK. It's one of the supportive ones that we get all the time. It's not totally negative either. The person that said that to me was Dr. Hockley. I'll let you be the judge. This is from Paul Brown.

He says... Oh, he didn't say oh. I added that oh in. Did he turn around and say... He turned around and he said oh. So he turned around and he said... No, that was unfair of me. I've added tone into that.

OK. And I shouldn't have. No, don't copy tone into it. No. He said to me, he was unfair of me. I've added tone into that. Okay. And I shouldn't have. No, don't copy tone into it. No. He said to me, he gets enough emails to see it. Yeah, tons of work. Paul Brown says this. It's one tweet of the week time.

Come on, Frank. Time to move out of the 70s. Yeah. So that's a reference to the fact, Frank, that we tweet when the show's on, but not really much during the week from the official show account. Well, it's difficult, because I don't tweet. Charlie don't surf, and I don't tweet.

But there is a tweet thing I've sort of got my name on for the radio show, which is mainly, I think, it's Sarah, our assistant producer, handles that. Yeah, from the Pink iPad. I'm sure it's good. or our assistant producer handles that. Yeah, from the Pink iPad. I'm sure it's good. But I don't think, I think if Paul Brown goes to one of those chronicles of the 20th century,

he'll find out that one tweet in the 1970s would have been a suggestion that Jesus was coming back. It would have been such a big event. Yeah. But I know what he means. I think if you're going to tweet, I don't tweet myself. If you do, you know, if I did,

I think I'd be on there all the time. Really? That's what happens to people, isn't it? Yeah. It takes over their lives. So, yes, Paul, I'll have a word with Sarah about it, see if we can get some more stuff out there.

What sort of stuff would you like to have, Frank? I don't know, what's brownie suggest? Brownie? That's brownie, what he likes to put out there. Maybe we could have some of your humorous soundbites. Somebody told me, before my last tour, someone said to me, a manager of a well-known comedian said to me, if you tweet, you add probably 15% to your ticket sales.

I've already worked out who that is. Anyway. And I said, I'd rather have a few empty seats. Yeah. Would you? Yeah, but, you know, I'm not condemning those of you who do. It's a lovely social thing. But I'm not good on the negatives.

Somebody said to me this week, I do a show on Sky Arts called Sky Arts Landscape Artists of the Year, and someone said, oh, we've had some lovely tweets. So I thought, you know what, I'll have a look. First one I saw, why is Frank Skinner on Sky Arts Landscape? That's the first one I saw. So, of course, that's... Although, again, you could have put the tone into that.

It could be, why is Frank Skinner on Sky Arts? No, that tone didn't help. That's just a chirpy person being unkind. I think the strain in my voice was me trying to be chirpy. No, I mean, God bless you. You were going against type in a big way. Yeah. I know what you mean.

I think one has to be careful with it. The last time, before that, I looked, there was a... I didn't even look any further than this. It was a feature that said... Are you what's described as a lurker? Well, I've done it twice in the last eight months, I would say. I respect that honesty. But I had a look and it said there was a sort of...

I don't know what you'd call it, because I don't have the terminology at my fingertips. Oh, hey, maybe I might know. The heading was, is Frank Skinner funny? And I thought, I don't, so I never, it might have been a list of people saying, absolutely knockout hilarious, but I bet it wasn't. Did you have the self-restraint not to click on the list?

Oh, I definitely didn't click. What self-restraint? Fear. How is this? No, I'm no good with it all. Why don't people just... I don't like unkindness in any area of life. Hear that, Brownie? Brownie!

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I ask a question, by the way? Sure. Please do. There was a sale advertised the other day, I saw. And it said... Was it a DFS? I can't remember who it was for.

And it said, must end on Tuesday. And I thought, who says that? Yeah. Who was like, don't tell me must end on Tuesday, like you're on my side, there's nothing, your hands are tied. The shop surely decides when it ends. They might have an extremely aggressive tenancy agreement and they must be out, like all of their stuff out.

No, no, this was a big shop. It wasn't a closing down. So, it's your suggestion that they were trying to lure you in. Yeah, there's no must. It's their must. Don't tell me they must end on Tuesday, like there's some evil Mr Big making them do it.

They want it to end on Tuesday, so I'll go there the weekend and spend my money. They never end well. They want it to end on Tuesday so I'll go there the weekend and spend my money. Don't give up to Macy's. They never end well. They want to create scarcity value of the product. In my mind, they want a clock ticking downwards. And I'm thinking of an electric blanket

for under 20 quid. I mean, they don't realise that in your mind there's always a clock ticking down. Not at my age. Not about a sale. At my age, it's like an enormous pit in the pendulum type thing. Yeah, so if anyone is involved in the sales business, I'm right, aren't I?

There is no must. I'm not sure it exists. Also, Al, I'm not sure it exists as a business in its own right, the sales business. I think what you mean is retail industry. What about the people who make those signs that say sale? Yes. Can I give some advice to those people?

I mean, red's a nice colour, but come on, have some imagination. Red and white, can't we... What about sometimes when they mix it up and you get a green luminous sign with a black lettering? It's still not got the same urgency as red, though, has it? We all see red and we go, red! Look, I get enough urgency. I get all my urgency from the word moss.

I don't want that in my life. Imagine if they changed it to probably, though. There would be no urgency. Sale probably ends Tuesday. We might give it some urgency. Don't even talk about the end of the sale. Don't talk about Tuesday. Let's give it to a Wednesday. Don't even talk about the end of the sale. Don't talk about Tuesday. Let's just enjoy the journey.

Don't end game, as they say in Alexander Technique. Do they? Oh, lovely. Do they? Caroline Gidney Kelly has tweeted us, and she's got a whatever happened to, and I'm not sure we can justify inclusion for this. Whatever happened to Peter the Wild?

Oh. Oh, yeah, well, Peter the Wild, we haven't talked about him for a long time to be fair we fell out he was um yeah well i fell out to be more specific but let's not go into that yes peter the wild for new readers um was um was it george the first i can't remember one of the one of the one of the kings had him he was a wild boy I don't mean he was a wild boy as he went out on the town he was a wild boy the type that are found in a cupboard

he was found in a Bavarian forest Frank he was yeah living on his wits such as they were and he became I mean in some ways it's a terribly sad story. But, you know, time plus tragedy equals comedy.

And so we talked about it quite a lot, Peter the Wild. He was made part of the court and he was... I mean, one of the most cruel parts of the story is that they did put him on a lead. He was on a lead, which... We were anti that, I think, in the context of the story is that they did put him on a lead. He was on a lead, which we were anti that. I think in the context of the story. Didn't he also

stare into fires and eat onions like apples? That was his big thing. That was his past. He used to sing songs with no tunes, which if you think about it, it's not easy. How do you do that? He sang songs with no tunes, ate raw onions and he stared into fires. That was his shtick.

It's a great shtick, though. You're right, I miss him. I mean, I've forgotten about his main characteristics. And already I'm starting to warm to the topic all over again. You know, like when you find a book of something that used to be really interesting, you think, oh, I'll throw this

out, and you have a quick glance through and think, you know, it is still interesting, this. Yeah, old Wilder, he's still got it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We've had a whatever happened to

on the emails. You know my Friday night troll? Someone emailed last night saying whatever happened to earwigs? Seriously. I mean, think about it. When was the last time you actually saw an earwig? You know what?

Whatever happens. I'm going to give that the award. I haven't seen an earwig for eight weeks. The award. They're terrible pincers. Yeah. Terrible pincers. They were very...

I'm saying they peaked in around 1978. You reckon? Yes. I remember a lot of earwigs. Oh,'m saying they peaked in around 1978. You reckon? Yes, I remember a lot of earwigs. Oh, I think they were around in the 80s, weren't they? Really? I seem to remember new romantic earwigs. Yeah. No.

Were they sort of household pests? Yeah, they used to be. One of those when you got up in the night. That's another thing. What about... Silverfish. I loved a silverfish. Remember that dry land tiny fish

that used to run off when you put the light on at night? You see, the young people in this room are looking utterly bemused, which makes me think that does utterly justify the inclusion. I think you'll find that legal highs. Of course it's that.

They've never seen a silverfish, Frank. No. No, they are showing... Oh, you know, Charlie has. Oh. A documentary. That's when the posh summit sometimes. Her dad probably owned a silverfish farm.

His son-in-law, Frank, and he had some in the box. If you owned a trout farm and you had a child, you could give them a silverfish farm. You haven't started. Can I ask, did the silverfish... What was their obsession with the bathroom? What was wrong with the sitting room in the kitchen? We had them all over the house.

Oh, we only had them in the bathroom. They didn't like the light, though. That was their thing. Oh, didn't they? There must be deep water. Not used to the light coming through. We've had a missive from Steve France in Wrexham. Steve who?

Steve France. As in... As in the country. Da-da-da-da, OK. Yeah. It's a lovely rendition there. He's in Wrexham. Good morning.

Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. After living the dream as Perkins on Doctor Who, my question to Frank is, if you could land yourself a role on Gotham, which character would you most like to play? Alan and Emily's suggestions also welcome. P.S. I've seen the first six episodes of Gotham Season 3 already, and it's

world class. Oh, OK. Keep up the job you're paid to do, pay your taxes, and a round of applause for the police. Thanks, Steve. Come on, for the police. Come on, for the police. Thanks, Steve France. Come on for the police. Come on for the police. Great job they do. Oh, that's a good question.

Well, Alan and Emily's suggestion, my suggestion is Man in Diner. Because I've never seen it, but I imagine there would be a man in the diner. Yeah, it'd be like an Edward Hopper painting. Just one guy sitting on his own in a diner. Yeah, I wonder if I could bring back one of the... Batmite. Batmite was a character...

He's like Silverfish. When I used to read... He looked like a tiny... He looked like the sort of thing you'd see on Pokemon Go, but he was like a sort of imp. But he was part of the Bat family with Batman Batgirl, etc, etc I'd love to

play Batmite, I mean it would need a bit of CGI yeah, I'd need a bit of that, but you know I'm prepared to walk around in me pants and a harness to get that kind of a role, I think that's what you have to do you have to admit the sacrifices. I'm really pleased that someone else is watching Gotham.

You should get together with him. You don't think it's just... I don't think it's just me and him. I think it's fine. Oh, I think it is, darling. I bet Will Smith watches it. Why? You know why?

Why? Because old Mark Smith's in it. Frank Skinner on the radio. old Mar Smiths in it. Frank Skinner on the radio. We've had a lot of silverfish correspondence, Al. We have. Is silverfish the technical name?

What is that? We haven't had that bit of correspondence. But the plural, silverfy. People don't have books, so silverfish have no food source. Just a bit. The first part of that, people still have books, don't they? Please tell me they do.

I think what the point is, though, is that silverfish don't eat Kindles as much as they used to eat pages, if you will. Although I was told by the chocolate expert on Sondy Brunch... In the Roald Dahl novel. It just happens to live out of the road from me. People in this country spend more money on chocolate than they do on books

and music. Do they? Guess what which national crisis that might have led to. The great green and black shortage in Hampstead? No, the stupidity crisis. So, yeah, so that's a scary news.

He's a bit of a obesity one. He does mean that, yeah. So, Silverfish, they want books. I've got loads of books. I haven't seen a Silverfish for ten years. Me too. I don't like to brag, but I've got enough books. Yeah, me got books.

We're doing all right, aren't we? I found two silverfish in the Kindle the other night. Desperation. They should do that for retro. They should have silverfish icon, and you can activate it, and it just comes across the screen. That's a great idea 091 has said morning guys silverfish only like damp places that's why you find them in the

bathroom frank but actually they've called you frankie okay so they like spending a lot of time in the bathroom and they like books that's like a lot of men i've dated yeah indeed sarah the assistant producer said to me are they actually fish? Yeah, they like damp, but not as much as fish do. Fish love damp. They do. They've taken damp to the nth degree. Yeah.

I described them as microscopic whitebait, and I'm still quite pleased with them. I like that a lot, but it did make me hungry. 898 has texted, morning all, if you grow cooking apples, you'll find lots of earwigs nestling by the stalks clinging on with their evil pincers. Really?

They've got pincers, have they? I love the idea of cooking apples. I love a cooking apple. Let's grow some apples that you can't really eat because they're too nasty. But we can maybe if we boiled them, they might be all right. Are they not a bit whatever happened to cooking apples? Talk about, oh no, they're still alive.

We'll get them. I don't know. But they're the ultimate in delayed gratification, aren't they? We're going to have to grow these things and then really slowly cook them. And then they're in the house. And many times, probably seven times in my life I've thought they've got to be alright.

They must be alright. I bet they're alright. People call them cooking apples. I bet they're fine. Then you bite one. Oh, I'm doing the face. Can you trust me? I'm doing the face. You know the face that looks a bit somebody's looking at the cat's bottom face. Well, I'm going to put it on social media.

What? The face. I'm going to take a picture of it and capture it. Cooking apple face. That's who I want to be in Gotham. The new villain. Frank and the team are live on the radio every Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on Absolute Radio across the UK

on digital radio and 12.15am. So we had... Yes. We had a text from... We did. This was from 898. No, it's not 898. Hang on one second, please. It's actually from 023.

Hold, please, caller. OK, this is from 023. We were talking not long ago about irresistible accompaniments. Do you like to recap, Frank? I went flying a kite, and it was utterly impossible for me not to sing Let's Go Fly a Kite. I mean, I just couldn't stop myself. And I did point out that when I leave a cash point,

having taken cash out, I always sing Got Brass in Pocket. And we discussed other examples. You mentioned, yeah, if you when I leave a cash point, having taken cash out, I always sing Got Brass in Pocket. And we discussed other examples. You mentioned. On a summer holiday. Yeah, if you're going on a summer holiday. I did that myself this summer. It's hard not to. I was really proud of that piece of work.

Anyway, Re-Registrable Accompaniment 023 says, every time I read MIT, I have to sing MIT. Ta-da-ta-da. MIT, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Lovely. The tune of SRB. SRB, I should say, for our younger readers, was a cinema advert, and it was about, you could get a hot dog,

but it came in a cardboard box for convenience. Lovely. So it would be, SRB, a sausage and a roll and a box for me. Yeah, but you've given it a lovely Elvis Costello lilt, which it didn't originally have. Lilt, with the totally tropical taste. Love a lilt.

Can you do that? Can you do the voice? Yeah, I was just going to say. You can do the voice. It's done in celebration of Marsh. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text morning. I'll tell you what, I've just remembered something.

I don't do it anymore, but when I used to go on escalators, I used to sing Jerry Halliwell's Lift Me Up. That wouldn't have looked at all camp. She was big then. I think it was, was it number one? Lift me up. She did so well then. That was a good period for her.

Ah, yes. Morning, Frank. Frayem. You know, F-R-A-I-E-M. Like Frank, Al and Emily. Oh, right, OK. Frayem. Weren't silverfish superseded by the later superior model, goldfish?

Oh! Okay, fine. What's the bronze fish then, initially? I think it's a finely crafted pond and well done. No, I'm very happy with it. But if you got up in the night and there was half a dozen goldfish on your floor, you'd be terrified. Yeah, and sad, because presumably they'd perish, wouldn't they?

Al, what about 806? He says, Frank and gang, I spent a whole summer, 1982, with cotton wool or loo roll in my ears because my cousin told me that earwigs ate your brain. That's Fiona in Edinburgh. I was always told that they lived on the wax from one's ears. That was their main foodstuff.

Oh. Which apparently is incorrect. Well, I would have found them quite useful bedfellows in that sense. I have a sense of doubt. Because you're no longer meant to insert cotton buds, are you, into your ear? Aren't you? No. Very dangerous, apparently.

Don't put anything smaller into your ear than your finger. Is it your elbow? Something like elbow? I can't get my elbow into my ear. Exactly. That's exactly the point. Oh, no, sorry. It's my backside.

I can't get it in my ear. I always get those two mixed up. Oh, God. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello. Hello. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello. Hello. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15.

Please do. People have. They haven't regretted it, generally. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show by the Absolute Radio website. I feel we should address what's going on in the world at large. I mean, we have had, however, so much silverfish correspondence.

I don't know what to do with it all. Are people still seeing them or are they all retrospective silverfish sightings? People are seeing them, but just not as domestic in the modern world as they once were. I'm not interested in the industrialised silverfish.

I mean, there's, for example, 047. Hi, guys, when I worked in a bar two years ago, I'd return home around 2am every night, without fail, during my pre-bed toilet trip, I would see the silverfish that lives in our bathroom. Just one? I always felt like he was my pet, welcoming me home after a long shift.

You don't often see them on their own. I like the idea of the silverfish loner. Well, it's... A bit like the silver surfer. Oh, you said silverfish loner. If we take that to its next conclusion, we've had 111 text. I recently moved with my family to a larger property in need of renovation. I recently moved with my family to a larger property in need of renovation.

Whilst removing the skirting, I've discovered a colony, or school, which is the collective, of silverfish. Yeah, yes. School of silverfish, man. My teenage daughter instantly panicked and vacuumed them up. The bag hasn't been changed yet, so would you be up for some re-homing? So I think you're being offered some silverfish in a hoover bag. I'm happy to introduce them to Absolute Radio.

I like the way people put those green parrots into West London. Just pop them out. Just get them out here. Yeah, why not? They wouldn't make themselves up, would they? I don't like them living in the bag of the hoover. No, that's horrible. Why is it any more horrible for them? Don't have been living there with the Lego.

It's not a very dignified dwelling, is it? Might be like living in an adventure park. They like damp, though. I imagine it's arid. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you've ever read Arthur Kersler's The Arid Hoover Bank.

It's a dystopian thriller, that one, isn't it? It's a dark, dark tale. Calvin in Brom has cleared up a number of issues. Oh. And I'm warm to Calvin. He seems a no-nonsense Brom chap. All right. I nearly ate an earwig the other day when I bit into a rose hip.

P.S. I've seen silverfish in bathroom recently. The gladiator is nightshade. Calvin and Brum. That's absolutely... Brilliant. I mean, that's everything you want in the text. Three bits of quality information in one text. That's really good.

Rosehip, what does that mean? One of the younger members of our team might know. I'm sure Charlie said it in a gin cocktail. She's probably had rosehip syrup when she was a baby. A rosehip would be a... You'd bite into a rose. Goodness me. That sounds...

Well, Calvin, now you've... I thought you were clearing things up. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a throwaway line. I was biting into a rosehip the other day. That was a conversation. I don't think we'd have just let that roll. No, that's a throwaway line. I was biting into a rose hip the other day. That was a conversation. I don't think we'd have just let that roll.

No, that's true. Come on. Come on, Calvin. No, I was just adjusting my pants. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. I don't know if you remember the first link that we did today.

Straight after it, I had one of my diva moments. Do you remember that? What did you do? I said to Charlie, the producer, could I have the sound in my headphones just a little bit louder? And you complained about your chair. And I complained about my chair. Two things.

Two screws. I think we were caught. That's right. You said there were two screws. Spikes were sticking into me. I mean, the whole purpose of a chair is to not stick into the... That would be a great lad's name, Two Screws LeTrec. He sounds like a legend.

It would be someone who'd been a lad and then changed his mind. Yeah, quite quickly. Lived a life of celibacy. But there's been a lot of diva behaviour. That's the most diva-ish I get is... Can I have my headphones a bit lower? Oh, I think I've seen you most diva-ish I get. Can I have my headphones a bit louder? Oh, I think I've seen you more diva-ish than that. I don't think so.

I think that's a bit of scurrilous gossip, actually. You don't get as diva-ish as me, but no one does. No, well, what about Justin Bieber? He's been in the press this week. Right, thanks for the mini-protest. I really appreciated that. Alan didn't bother. I couldn't eat another one, though.

Anyone else want a mini protest? There ought to be chocolates called that. I just offered up my ghostly mini bites, and I don't do that often. No, that's true. And Alan rejected them with what I'm going to call cooking apple face. I ate one, but whilst...

He said, they're not for me, are they, really? They're not for me. they really they're not for me cooking apple face is now available on social media my face when I've eaten a cooking apple

yeah and also the title of the villain I'm playing in the next series of Gotham yeah I would love it

if you were in Gotham dressed all in green with that face imagine I went out I would love that I would love it if he was in Gotham.

Oh, well, we would love to meet them. So, yes. So, Deverish... Beaver Belieber. He asked people to stop screaming during his songs, which, you know... He asked people in Birmingham to stop screaming. He called them obnoxious fans.

He told them off in Manchester. He gave them a right telling off. He said, I wanted to say something, but if you guys don't want me to, I'll just cut straight to the next song. And they all went, hooray. I think so, yeah. Because even people who love, love Beaver with a Passion

know the chances of him saying anything of importance. Yeah. He's minuscule. Yeah. Even his fans who love him, going, I are, wait, next song. If he had to do like an itemized... No, but I just wanted to, can we just listen for one second?

No, no, next song, wait, we love you. Will you just give me a chance? He said at one point, just try and show you love me in a different way. Well, we've all said that. And then he told them to take a chill pill for a second. Did he? He said, just take a chill pill and listen to me speak.

They don't want that. They really don't want that. Unless he does one of those sort of Tele Savalas spoken songs. The problem with these boy bands... If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?

I don't think that's what he's offering. I think the problem is, to paraphrase something Pete Waterman, I believe, once said to a friend of mine,

they get all famous doing la la la, and then they want to do what I believe Pete Waterman refers to as own stuff. Yeah. Yes, it's the same. And own stuff is essentially acoustic guitar and beads they bought from Camden Market. They get a little like that. It's like they get these comedians who start off doing all sort of dirty jokes and laddish,

and next thing you know they're on the radio talking about what books they read. Yeah. I hate that. To lose the track puns. Yeah. I just hate it. No, but you can't... Doing arts programmes on Sky.

Yeah. I mean, come on. No. Be who you are. Actually, Frank, there is a difference because you still, essentially, what you wanted was laughter. Okay, and that's what you're still after. He wanted the screaming. Now he's got you're still after. He wanted the screaming.

Now he's got it. He doesn't want the screaming. The main difference is that Bieber is an imbecile. But, I mean, you know, I would say with Bieber, you know, he's got a very kissable face. Lovely face. He's got abs like a Nissan hot.

Yeah. I think, count your blessings abs like a Nissan hot. Yeah. I think, count your blessings, don't worry about the talking. Keep that for your private life. We don't want that. We don't know how to talk in B. Imagine if he just stopped talking in between songs. How long do you think it would actually be before any of his fans

noticed that he wasn't eight years? Talking? Have you ever heard anyone say, do you like Justin Bieber? I like him, I like to hear him talking. No one's ever said... His own mother has never said that. Frank Skinner on the radio. We've had what I would call

someone who's swimming against the tide of opinion. I think we all... It's a silverfish. It is, yeah. Perhaps we all sided with the crowd versus Bieber. We've got a text here. I'm with Bieber on this one. People scream at him wherever he goes, not only on stage. If he's got a microphone, he might be heard for once.

Maybe he's had something really important to say for the last six years that could fix our economy and nuclear weapon crisis. I mean, I think that's unlikely. What if he's really bright? To be fair, he has had access to a microphone before. Yes. And nothing's come out yet. He's not been trying to talk before, has he?

No. He said it was getting, he used the word pressuring, which I'm not sure you can say that. I don't know if it makes complete sense. Do you think I've been unsympathetic towards Bieber? Is that what you're saying? Well, maybe. I've said he's got a kissable face.

Yeah. He can sing. And I think it was Meatloaf who pointed at... Yeah. Two out of three in bed. Two out of three, isn't that right? He was also spotted in his pants yesterday. I've spotted in my pants many a time.

Yeah. Just need to spend a bit more time. Wow. One of his things was, to be fair, that he said the audience were quite close, I think, at the Birmingham view. He said, you're like two feet away from me. Yeah.

Oh, I could say the same, thanks again, as two feet away from me, and it's lovely. Yeah, but his point is, don't scream at me if you're two feet away from me. That's why he never did Chatty Man. Oh, is it? Yeah. Too much screaming.

Can't cope with that. I'll be honest, I empathised with him at one point when I was reading the... You did? I did. Well, you get screamed at a lot on stage. No, but listen, I just want to quote what the paper said of Bieber. He said, if we could just scream after the songs, enjoy the songs, then scream. Screaming is awesome. Screaming is

fun. Oh. And Is he screaming fun? Does he sound like an exasperated dad? He's never fallen down a lift shaft. No, but he has worked at the fairground. How old is Bieber? Twenty-three. Twenty-three. What do you think? Let's go over to

our correspondent with the pink iPad, Sarah. 22, she's going. I like that the tide has, even in the course of 10 minutes of conversation, the tide has now swung towards Bieber. Yeah, why not? I think it's important to listen to all the views. I just worry he's becoming a bit of a Howard Hughes character. I remember Kat saying to me,

we hadn't been going out very long, and she said to me, why do your fans think you're deaf? Because bugs would go up to me in the street and go, Frankie! From about six feet away. And I don't know what it is. Can I ask a question? Presumably,

during the white heat period of your fame with David Baddiel... Yes. You must have got screamed at on occasion. We never got... I never got... He got screamed at, I think, when he was... When he did Newman and Baddiel. But I've never... If I hear a scream at a gig, I assume there's a mouse in the auditorium.

But no, I've never... I don't get screamed at, for goodness sake. Could you imagine it? But, you know, we've each got our own. Is he going to start talking now? Is he going to start treading on my patch? I would like, in a year, to see Justin Bieber spoken word.

Just ditch the music. Oh, that would be brilliant. Oh, I would love that. Poster, just him in a spotlight with, that'd be brilliant. Oh, I would love that, Al. Poster, just him in a spotlight with a microphone, no instruments. What about? Just talking.

I've got it, man in a suit. 2.0. That's the one. I'd go for it. I've never seen him in a suit. There might just be us three in the audience, but other than that, I think it'll be a really good night. Imagine if he became like a friend of ours. We just gave him career advice. I don't think that's going to happen.

Why not? I'm worried I might fall head over heels in love with him. His kissable face. That would be awful. I see me as a sort of maternal Leslie Joseph figure to him. I think he should stick with what he knows. Olly Murr said to me just a few days ago.

Extraordinary beginning to an anecdote. He said to me, he said, you're very quick witted aren't you and I said and you've got a lovely voice to each his own and I think that is there you have it Frank Skinner on the radio

We've been talking about Bieber and his diva behaviour but there's been some other diva Internal But there's been some other diva... Internal rhyme. Oh! Bieber diva. There's been some other diva news, because Mariah Carey, who I sort of love, because she reminds me of my cleaner...

Oh, that's nice. She'll be delighted to hear that. Yeah, no, she does. It's slightly eccentric. Is Eva a diva? No. Okay. She's lovely.

She should be written by Longfellow now. There's a lot of eternal rhyme going on. She's brutally direct, and I like that. Who, Mariah? No, Eva. Oh, okay. I've got very mixed up now. But you know that slightly eccentric bag lady thing?

Yeah, yeah. Mariah's got, I think. Yeah. She's pulled the ripcord a bit. She's not fast. I quite like that. She's gone the caftan. She's pulled it in the right place.

Yeah, she has. Yeah. Anyway. She's always been an enigma to me. I can't, I mean, she, it's one of those things. I don't know what makes her special from all those other singers that sing like her. Right. Well, she does the old top C, doesn't she?

Does she? The rarity, yes. She's known for her top. Well. I thought she'd stopped doing that. Yeah. I mean, it's nearly killed her. At her age. Yeah. But she...

This is what I know about Mariah. When she was at... She went out with, like, the boss of... Tommy Matoma. Tommy Matoma was, like, extremely rich, powerful man. Yeah. And then she got a contract, I think with... I can't remember who with, but, like, for millions and millions. And then, got a contract, I think with, I can't remember who with, but like for millions

and millions. And then I think she did one album and they dumped her. And then someone else came in and paid millions and millions. Yes. And now she's going out with one of the richest men in the world. That's what I know about her. She's like the Japanese waving cat, Mariah. Her money just...

Yes. She attracts money, doesn't she? And now, this bloke has bought her an engagement ring. This bloke? He's called James Packer. He's a packer, isn't he? He's one of the packers. What do you mean one of the packers? Like Kerry Packer.

That's his son. Kerry Packer's his father. I think he's the son of Kerry. So Kerry Packer is a sort of Rupert Murdoch type figure, isn't he? A media mogul. He revolutionised cricket. He did. A media mogul.

Which is more than could be said for Mariah Carey. As far as you know. She's done nothing for cricket. Are you sure? To be fair, she hasn't tried very hard. I don't know that. I heard she writes a cricket blog, but anonymously. Nah.

That's what I heard. She tried to get on the board at Gloucestershire. They wouldn't have her. Is that right? Yeah. She should have... She was going out with James Packer. Right.

And then... So do you understand why he's so wealthy now, Frank? Yeah. I didn't know he was one of those. Billionaire. Yes. He's a billionaire. Not millionaire, billionaire.

Okay. But... You're sounding a bit... That's a big deal, innit? He... You're sounding like one of those people who go, his house. Have you seen his house?

He gave him... He gave her a $10 million ring. Yeah. And now it's all off. Absolutely amazing. Amazing. Looks so fresh. It's a million quid. Wouldn't you be frightened to go out the house

in a 10 million quid ring? Well, they all wear fake ones. I don't know if she goes out much on her own. No, I don't think so. Some say the reason they split was he was shocked by her excessive spending. That's a worry. He was shocked by that? Yes. That's like when George Best's wife used to say, and after

a couple of years he started drinking and going out with other women. Really? Did he? I'll believe that celebrity changed on me. But I think, yeah yeah I see what you mean because I mean she does sit in the chair of extravagance

we talk about yes she does but we had to take the arms off this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio we were discussing Mariah Carey brackets diva

close brackets and they call the discussing Mariah Carey, brackets diva, closed brackets. And they call the wind Mariah. Thank you. There's a possibility that her engagement with this Packer chap, James Packer, billionaire, is over. And he, it is said, has been scared off by her excessive spending. I'm quoting from the article now. Because he thought she was going to go to Lidl. Well, I'm worried.

I'm worried that if she's outspending a billionaire, that he's looking at her thinking, she might get through all of this. I'm not, I can't, I can't, I mean, that is some going, isn't it? Well, Al, she's insisting on keeping the ring, apparently. Yeah. This is the word on the street, Frank. That was because it was made by her friend.

Was it? Yeah, her friend. Oh, I love that you know this level of detail. Her friend's a big celebrity jeweller. I read an interview with him and he talked about the responsibility of making Mariah's ring and he didn't want to let her down. That's seven minutes of your life you won't get back. Yeah.

He said, I didn't want to let her down, you know, to make this. He said something like, it took a whole weekend to make it. I thought, that's not bad, is it, for ten million quid? That is all right. I know the materials, it must cost a bit. Well, diamonds aren't cheap. I'm on less than that for a Saturday morning show, I don't know about you.

Less than ten million dollars? I don't know, I don't know what the exchange rate is at the moment. Exchange rate? I just, I mean, I know it's probably not going to happen, but how can Mariah Carey go from a billionaire that she's outspent to, like, a normal? Like, what if she fell in love? Yeah, she can't, no.

What if she fell in love with a guy that was about her age but was just, like, a manager at an Argos in a mid-sized town? Or worked in adult education. I think the argument is she wouldn't fall in love with that person. You don't think she could? No. Even if he was nice and they liked each other? Even if she was the best person she'd ever met in her life,

she couldn't cope with that much acrylic. Well, in fairness, nor could I. No, I don't think that would happen. But should she keep that ring? I mean, I think she should return it, frankly. He might not want it back, though. He's a billionaire. I'm with the Colleen Rooney thing.

What's that? Her and Wayne had a big row about these stories that were in the papers about him when she was in Kate. And she took the ring off and threw it into a local squirrel sanctuary. Did she? Mary Allen Paul. It's one of my favourite lover's tip story of all time. And I don't think they've ever found it. I think people still go there with a metal detector to this day.

Do they really? Yeah. Oh, so she never found the ring? I don't think she did. Someone out there will know that. 12, 15. Yes. Where real music matters.

Oh, sorry, that was my other jingle. But, yeah, I love that story, though. Imagine that moment. What did you do that for? Throw me in the squirrel sanctuary? Oh, man. Nightmare.

There's another man, though, isn't there? What about Brian Tanaka? Isn't that his name? Keep it there, Ty. Brian Tanaka, that's his name. Is that his name? Yeah, I think it is. Oh, Frank, do you know how happy that's made me that you know that?

Her backing dancer. You know the name of Mariah Carey's backing dancer? Brian Tanaka. I've long been fascinated by the backing dancer syndrome. Well, they do very well. You think it's a syndrome? I think, well, I don't remember them at all. I remember backing singers.

Oh, yeah. But those blokes behind women singers, I don't remember before Madonna, right? I think she might have... The backing dancer often ends up with the celebrity. Yeah. You can imagine that. You'll find if you're Gary Barlow's with the backing dancer, married backing dancer. Is he? Is that right? A number of the Spice Girls married their backing dancers.

They didn't, did they? Mel B married Jimmy, was his backing dancer. Well. There you go. Did not know that. Um, yes, so, the stuff with the backing dancer. You ended up with a skinnerette, briefly? Um, yeah, she was in her 80s.

It was, um, it was difficult in lots of ways. Oh, I can still see that harness. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text from 415 saying, you've got a cleaner. Surely that's diva-esque. I'm not sure who that's targeted at. Me.

Because I referenced that Mariah Carey looked a little bit like my cleaner. Oh, I see. I used to think that about cleaners. When I first got a cleaner, I used to help. I'll bet they all love that. I'm not so nice, though. She said to me, it's better you don't help.

And that was the end of that. I never helped again. Anyone. I like ever saying that. We no longer have cleaner. That's how I ended up with the aforementioned months ago. You no longer have cleaner? Well, you've adopted the vernacular.

No longer have cleaner. And now I clean the shower whilst showering. Oh, yes. We're disgusting. So did Mrs Cockrell lay down the law over that? No, we just decided to do it ourselves,

you know. There you go. Respect. Respect, Armando. Are you free Tuesday mornings? Yeah. Well, Gandhi, of

course, Mahatma, not David, was a big believer in that, wasn't he? He was a big believer. He wasn't a believer. He was big believer. He wasn't a believer. He was a believer.

He's the one who's screaming, I bet. He was annoying. His loincloths are too tight. They always look spacious to me. It's that pin. Sometimes it gets in the side. That's why he went on the hunger strike. They were too tight.

He didn't have the centre loose in them. He decided to just make himself smaller. He hadn't thought it through, Gandhi. Mahatma was the centre loose in them. He decided to just make himself smaller. He hadn't thought it through, Gandhi. Mahatma was a huge believer in cleaning, the power of cleaning. Really? Yes. He felt it just put you in touch with your essence and your humanity.

Oh, that's nice. Respectamundo. There you go. He used to make his wife do it. It didn't go down well at all. Oh, is that true? Yeah. That's not true. You two should try that. So, the thing with the dancer obviously should be going on behind her back. Turns out it's been going on

behind Packers part of the Saturday night. You're right. Yeah. Eh? Yeah. We've had a text from... And now he's sent her packing.

Oh, lovely, Frank. Hey, you see? It's a lontay. Thanks very much. We've had a text from Debs in Beds. Oh. I think that's Bedsfordshire I think she's just trying to follow the law It's a bit like bananas in pyjamas

Rhyming Hello all I believe the woman gets to keep her ring If the man breaks off the engagement Under the archaic rule of Breach of promise They've got caps there Breach of promise Breach of promise.

That is interesting. Breach of promise used to mean that if you proposed to someone and then called off the engagement, you could actually be fined, I think. Oh, good. You have to give them compensation. Now you tell me. Imagine if Packer gets fined for breaking off the engagement. Is he the one who's definitely broken it off?

It's seeming that way. Well, we don't know this. Well, maybe. Perhaps he'd just gone off, you it off? It's seeming that way. Well, we don't know this. Well, maybe. Perhaps he'd just gone off, you know that? Might have just gone off her. As they say overseas, maybe him no Carrie. Him no Jim. Yeah.

And she's doing a reality show. I'm surprised at that. Well, apparently so was he. And that was part of the other problem, is that, well, he can't have been surprised. I mean, the cameras and the lights and all these staff must have alerted him to it. Isn't she too big to do a reality show?

No one's too big now, darling. Is that right? We should do one here. If we did one in the radio show, it wouldn't be very interesting, would it? Do you think when she gets the money for it she thinks of it as a reality check? Aww! Absolutely excellent. Thank you very much. Thank you.

I'm really pleased with that. And if you want to watch Mariah's show, it's called Big Mother. And it's on Tuesdays, I think, is it? Is it? I think you'll be at my house cleaning. You can watch it on Couch Up.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not There must be some mistake This however Is Frank Skinner I'm with Emily Dean and I'm with Alan Cochran And you are able to text the show If you press the numbers

8, 12, 15 You can follow the show on Twitter Still going Despite some reduction this week, that is at Frank on the radio, at being an eye that's done a lap of honour, you know, the kind of thing. Yeah.

You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You remember websites? Yeah. God. Yesterday when I was young, so many many many songs were waiting to be sung okay we were talking about um mariah carey not giving back the 10 million dollar engagement ring i've i've never given um an engagement ring or a 10 million dollar engagement ring and then subsequently had to break off the engagement. No.

But would that be a thing that you would expect to get back if you were the gentleman in question? Would he? Well, let's ask. Do you think he's hashtag gutted? Well, I was going out with a leader back in the day in the West Midlands. back in the day in the West Midlands and she'd commented on the fact that we saw some earrings in a shop

that she really liked, they were red hearts she was a garish character. Red hearts were they? Yeah, red heart earrings Very little kids TV presenter. Yeah, well they were sort of, I don't know what you'd call them sort of like glass.

But they looked like precious stones. They were glass. Heart of glass some might say. Yeah, heart of glass absolutely spot on. So I went back to the shop a couple of days later and bought these earrings for her.

They were £5. What year was this? Put it in context. This would be 18... 1827? 1887. 1887. 1987. 1987.

And then a couple of days later, we were... I'm going to be straight with you. We'd got into bed together. This is gross. I'm not getting any better than that. This is as bad as it gets. And she said to me, listen, I want to end the relationship.

Remember, the first thing I did was I got out of bed immediately and put my underpants on. Yeah. First thing I did. Seems right. I thought you won't be saying that again, madam. What a grave punishment that would be. Yeah, exactly.

There's no half-Life House here. So, I said, oh, I can't, oh, oh. You know, King Lear at the end of... Oh! Were you wearing your pants? Because this sounds really undignified, Frank. I had my pants on then. They were back on.

Were you angry? I was hurt and upset and rejected. That sometimes manifests itself as anger. Yeah, it does. I wasn't really. I said to me, I said, I'll tell you what. I just thought, no, I've got to rack up the guilt. I said, I bought those earrings.

You know those earrings? She said, I went back and I bought them. And she went, oh, no. And I said, yeah, I did. I went and bought them. That's the kind of guy I am. She said, I'll buy and I bought and she went, oh no. And I said, yeah, I did. I went and bought them. That's the kind of guy I am. She said, I'll buy them off you. How much were they? I said, 15 quid.

You didn't. Yeah. So I got 200% profit out of that. Did you? I thought that's poor balance for a broken heart. I think you probably felt a little spring in your step. Well, I think it took a bit of a sting out. Ten quid profit to drown the sorrows, isn't it?

Yeah, ten quid in those days. I bought a small semi-detached in Wolverhampton. But it was the beginning of your property portfolio. It was, exactly. Beginning of the slum landlord years. Great oak trees from little acorns grow. You see, I think... I'd have told her that, but she didn't believe me.

I think, as a rule, you have to return the property. I don't use it as a rule. Oh, multifaceted. Blimey. Blimey. Blimey. Yeah, go on. You think you should return. For example, I have exes.

There's one ex who's got three pairs of shoes of mine. Oh. Now, I would say those shoes... You'd think he would have given those back, wouldn't you? Well, I don't want to ask. But, I mean, the thing I would say is I'm going street value. Bear in mind, before you write in and say, you know, I'm not a woman of the people,

they're expensive because I've amassed them over the years. I didn't go out on a splurge. It's all right. But these shoes, I'd say combined value of all three, £2,000. Maybe £1,800. Hold on a minute. I have a cup of tea. I thought they were playing a clip on YouTube from Never the Twain or another 86.

But why would anyone keep... Why has he kept those shoes? Why has he kept those shoes? If you're listening, love, put them in the post. They are going to be some of the best dressed stilts that have ever been seen. I don't... In fairness to him, maybe he thinks... Those stilts werearing Jimmy Choo's

in fairness to him maybe he thinks it feels petty to put them in a in a package and send them back right but you know what

it's not petty I really want the shoes back I find that I've never heard of anyone keeping the shoes before that just seems no

does he wear a pink beret this man just trying to work out. Frank Skinner on the radio. Oh, I'll tell you what I kept of an ex's once. A tankard. Oh. Yes.

A tankard. He was given a tankard. Not a tabard. No, a tankard. A tankard. He was given a tankard. OK. And grave.

Yes. And I thought, well, what do I do? Because this is a specialard. A tankard. He was given a tankard. Okay. And grave. Yes. And I thought, well, what do I do? Because this is a special thing. Yeah. So I kept it because I rather like it. I use it as a vase. Oh. And me and the said ex are on very good terms.

He's a dear friend who you know, Frank. And so I did tell him I had the tankard. He's all right with it? He's okay about me having it. It was a gift he was given on a film set, and I had the tankard. He's all right with it? He's okay about me having it. It was a gift he was given on a film set and I've still got it. Anybody else feeling like this is that moment on the

Antiques Roadshow where they're saying, how did you acquire this thing? I rather liked it. I just kept it. It's lovely. It has got an interesting derivation, I believe. It came from Sacha Baron Cohen originally, the tankard. Oh, did it?

Yes. OK, lovely. Yeah. Do you have a letter of provenance? From Sacha Baron Cohen. And you... Yes, I used it for chewing tobacco discharges. Oh, did you, for many years?

Yes, there is some staining on the... Well, it's worth... I would expect an auctioneer to get somewhere between £200 and £300 for that. Really? Pretend to look happy. That's great. Yeah, that's what me and Kath every week...

I've told this before. Every time they give the price, me and Kath both say together, got it. Yeah, got it. I just think that's worth £1,200. Got it. Absolutely got it. Just to their face. the word, £1,200. Gotted, absolutely got it. It's just in their faces.

My wife, whenever it's a decent figure, if it's like seven grand, my wife always goes, conservatory! Like, assuming that these are the people that want a conservatory. One of my worst things was when I ended... When text first began...

What is it called on Jeremy Cole? Texties? Oh, yeah. So when they first... when would that have been? Texties? I know exactly. Now I'm going 97, 98. Yes, that would be right.

Maybe 2000, thanks. No, this was definitely pre-2000. Was it football's coming home time? Yeah. It would be between that and 2000. And I split up with someone and I thought, text, of course we've got text now. That's a good way of doing it and I thought this gives me a chance to be more um you know inventive so I did

a whole long text on my big phone yeah as if she was a a game show contestant. I said, and it was like, it began, well, I'll change her name to Susie, say. So I wrote, so we're going to have to say goodbye to Susie. Oh, my God. But she doesn't go away empty handed. And then I listed the things I bought her during our relationship. And then I said, so what about a big hand?

One more time, big hand for Susan. Then I sent that. I thought, it's good because I'm ending the relationship. I mean, I was ending it. Did she reply? She didn't. Funny that. Yeah, rude.

Did she reply via the newspapers? I should say it was a relationship which was, you know, it was already... On its uppers. It was in about, it wasn't like, you know, it was out of the blue. Was communication becoming toxic? Is that the... Because it sounds a bit... It was...

Do you know, Frank, that's lovely the way you do that. Oh, yes, I love Topsy. Ah, so do I. That's one of my favourite singles of all time. Yeah, me too. No other thing we've got in common. Whatever happened. I mean, you're...

Yeah, you're not... Where did it all go wrong? You're not coming out of this recent diva bit that well, Frank, I'll be absolutely honest with you. Somebody said, talking of diva behaviour, I like Frank. I thought I'd be a bot. I remember him mentioning a homeless guy asking for a bite of a burger that he was eating. I was shocked that Frank didn't just give the burger to a hungry guy.

And now the earrings. Frank! I know, but this was when I was in Birmingham. I didn't have much money. And the homeless guy, you don't want to give, I mean, God bless him, but if you give an homeless guy a burger to have a bite of, Yeah. Burger gone. Well, you know. Yeah. I think that's his exact point. So what I did is I broke a bit off.

What about the time a guy, homeless guy said to me, again in Birmingham, a homeless guy said to me, can I buy a cigarette off you? So I got my cigarettes out and he got these pennies out with bits of tobacco. He gave me about eight pence

and I took it. You didn't. It wasn't until after I thought, no, I should have just given him that. You shouldn't have taken the money. Well, he felt the whole thing, his whole tone was transaction. So I went with it.

Frank Skinner on the radio. What's happening? Charlie's leaning over the dustbin. Is everything all right? He's just doing some furniture. He Frank Skinner on the radio. What's happening? Charlie's leaning over the dustbin. Is everything all right? She's just doing some furniture. I worked with Tina Hobley once. Congratulations. She, nominative determinism, ended up in Holby City.

And ended up on crutches, Hobley. Did she? After she took part in the Channel 4's The Jump. And I'm afraid sustained an injury, so Hobbly really is nominative determinism. Anyway,

we just started the show, so we're on air, and she casually walks away from the panel desk over to a large black bin, and throws up

with great... Gusto. Great gusto. Why? The audience. She had, I think she had the Noro. Oh, no. Awful.

She had the hangover. No, no, she didn't. The last time we... No, no. The last time we discussed nominative determinism on the show, we got an email from someone saying that they thought the best example

of nominative determinism was David Beckham, who grew up in the Whips Cross area of London. Oh, because he loves the cross. And he really whipped it in. Yeah, whipped in. He's quite a high profile secretive member

of the S&M community. Is he in your community? He's a lot of the boxes, doesn't he? Have you got famous people in your community Frank, the S&M community? I can't possibly answer that. Oh, okay. You're sworn to secrecy.

And the great thing is that the email about nominative determinism is from Mr. Eric Mayle. Which is, that's a weird coincidence. So, cleaners have come up quite a lot in the show today.

Yes. And there's a story this week about a hapless caterer, not a cleaner, but still staff, serving staff. Yeah. Quite close. They're all staff. In that part of the diagram. Who's knocked the thumb off a statue?

Oh, yes, the Townley Venus. Not just any old statue, the Townley Venus, which I studied in art history. Did you? It's a very important piece. Is it? Yes. I've seen it.

It's now very important pieces, Is it? Yes. I've seen it. It's now very important pieces because someone knocked the thumb off. It's a bit of a looker, the Townley. Is it? Well, it's in the old Venus de Melo mould, isn't it? No, it's got a hint of the Eddie Redmayne about it. Oh, has it?

Yeah, I would say one could officially call it a hot potato. Oh, good. Sorry, the obscure crushes. Most obscure crush you've ever had, the Townley Venus in the British Museum. I'll tell you who's hot. The old Townley Venus.

Well, she was going to come over to my place this week, but unfortunately she planned to hitchhike. Yeah. Now the thumb's gone. Oh, God. Exactly. Very difficult. Now, I'm worried about this story. Are you?

I think it's a bit Frank Spencer. Well, I suspect horseplay. Tell me what you mean. Well, it said that the catering person was bending down onto the Townley Venus and then they stood up and they banged their head on the thumb and the thumb came off.

He got himself into a little bit of trouble. Exactly. Now, why was a person bending down in front of the townly Venus? Well, you've given us one reason earlier. Maybe to pick up a fork or a... Maybe pursuing

a cherry tomato. Yes. Well, we've all done it. What? I know we haven't. All done what? Bend down in front of the Tamley Venus. No, I don't think I've ever done that. I've never knocked a thumb off an ancient relic. No. I don't think I have.

Not intentionally. No. No, I've never knocked a thumb off an ancient relic. I can honestly say that. In fairness. It's a horrible story in many ways. Yes. I also apparently attempted some sort of weak attempt

at restoration with a chip of larder. Oh. But it wouldn't adhere. You should have seen that coming. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, when we were discussing the Townley Venus smoking, you said you didn't believe the story. What do you mean?

What, you don't believe that it was an accident? It just sounds... He was... I don't know if they've said it to here, have they? It's a catering person. Do you think actually they weren't bending down and, like, they've broken the thumb by, like, trying to put their iPhone in its hand?

What happened then? Doing something like that, yeah, you know, doing, like, putting a Savalot in its hand. That would be great. Why would they do that? Because that's what happens when people are together and they're confronted by art. Do you know what?

They hate it. They basically hate it. You know what? If that was what they were doing, that would actually make the townly Venus be doing an impression of me in a photograph on my wife's phone because when I send her a message or call her, she's got a photograph of me eating a savloy

which she took when we were going round to some friends for lunch and I went, I'm just going to have to have a sausage on the way, I'm really hungry. And so she has this picture of me eating a Savlott. It's a townly Venus. I like that. I love a sausage on the way.

Yeah, why not? There's a store not far from me that sells hot dogs. And sometimes I just walk in and it just smells too good. I think the air is going up. Apparently, they have a spokesperson. Put 10% on the property value for me, that. A spokesperson for, not specifically for the Townley Venus. The Townley Venus doesn't employ its own spokesperson.

It's got PR. Doesn't have Franks after it. Well, yeah, the PR said, this was an unfortunate incident. We have retrained all individuals responsible for events as a result of this. But what does that involve? How to navigate the torsos?

It means don't mess about with the Townly Venus. That's what they've been told. It's a good rule. Don't put the decorations. Don't hang them from the townly Venus. I don't want any of that. Don't put an iPhone in its hand. Leave it alone.

I like to do that. Well, can we leave it alone? Is it all right if we leave? No! Leave it alone. Frank, when you do a questionnaire for some supplement in the Daily Mail and they say fave pin-up,

do you promise me you'll say the Townley Venus? Should but wouldn't. Yeah. Townley Venus. No, not should but wouldn't. Shouldn't but would. Would but shouldn't. Would but shouldn't.

Should but wouldn't would be a difficult, that'd be a horrible question, wouldn't it? Imagine if you really elaborated on it and said, I don't know what it is. I just think there's something about her. It's something to do with it. She hasn't got to define the hip. She's got a sort of...

Frank doesn't like a waist. No, I don't like waist in any area of life. Okay. I just think there's something hot about the tonally venous. I don't mind the older woman. She's from the first century, I think. Okay, I don't know how much we'd have in common. I'd finally find someone who's got the same sort of topics of conversation as me.

Someone who can remember Torchy the Battery Boy. You'd say, is that all right, doing that little voice? Yes, fine. Townley wouldn't care. Exactly. You couldn't get that spot on my back, could you? I haven't got a thumb. Oh, sorry.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This character who broke the finger of the townly Venus. The caterer. Yes, the caterer. Sorry to leave the H out. I just misread it. Yeah. He's not the first.

There have been previous, because do you remember the story about the man who tripped over a shoelace? This was about ten years ago. I was rather obsessed by this story. He tripped over a shoelace in the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge, and he broke two priceless Ming vases. Oh. And as a result, he was banned from the museum. I bet he was relieved that they were priceless rather than really expensive.

Oh, hang on. Priceless? Oh, I see. It's strange to find him. In the shop, sometimes you see that sign saying any break you just have to be paid for. You think they should put that in museums and art galleries? Well, I think it could.

You're not going to get much change out of it. I think things like standing on your own shoelace, that's neglect, isn't it? Yeah. I think he should have to pay. Do you? I do. Have you broken things, though?

Well, do you remember I told you before at bars, we went to a church in Cheltenham. Oh, yeah. And Boz broke... Was it a sheep or a shepherd? I can't remember. But someone from the nativity. And Boz was little and he put his hand in there and it broke.

And that was with my brother-in-law, Jack, and we sort of said, well, we went and knocked on the vicar's door. He wasn't in. Which aspect of the nativity was it again? It was a... I can't remember. I think it was a shepherd, but it could have been a sheep. It was someone rural. Yeah. And we went

to the local newsagents, bought superglue, went back in, stuck it back on. Nothing was said about it. That's what I did to the Townley. The Townley, in fairness, arrived in two pieces when it came into this country. Is that right? Yes.

And also, I quote from the article... Is it from Ikea? They said the broken thumb was fixed back on with an adhesive in situ while the gallery was closed. Same as we did with the shepherd. Yeah. It's not quite the same. And then they said the work was said to be, we did with The Shepherd. Yeah. It's not quite the same. And then they said the work was said to be,

and I quote, straightforward. Yeah. Yeah, Blu-Tack. That's Blu-Tack, isn't it? That is Blu-Tack on the thumb. I hope it wasn't Blu-Tack. I think it was better than gaffer tape. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. Speaking of breakages, this is a sensitive story. It's something that happened to me yesterday. Or a gestern, I think the Germans call it. I was on the toilet. Oh. I know, I know.

You're close already. I know, you're gross already. I know. You're having your breakfast. But anyway, I was on the toilet and... At home? At home. Suddenly there was a terrible noise. Of course there was.

Not that. And the seat cracked. Cracked in... Right through the... Oh, yeah. Well, how do you think it feels like to be Michael Gove? Happens to him all the time. But that...

Did it crack in two, Frank? It came adrift from the hinges? It happened absolutely... I mean, it was... How did you take this? How did you take this? It was shocking. There was no sense of it about to go.

It suddenly went like... And of course it becomes, the crack becomes like jaws, like snapping jaws. The crack in the toilet seat. The crack in the toilet seat. You should just clarify. So I thought, I don't want to get caught in the crack in the... I think we've all

had that sitting on a crack pan. It's a pinch, isn't it? I've never sat on a crack pan before. Oh, really? Have you had one break under you before? No. Yeah, but I don't want to talk about that. Okay. Now. I was worried, because it's an O.

It's basically an O, isn't it? Yeah. It forms an O. I didn't want my gentleman's excuse me to get trapped and turn it into a queue. That's what I was worried about. But honestly, it was horrible. I was, you know, I was mead, so it's not like I could just go out and stay. Oh, right. That's what I was worried about. But honestly, it was horrible. I was, you know, I was mead.

So it's not like I could just go out and start. Oh, right. That's really unpleasant. I had to stay on the broken oak. Finish the job, yeah. Oh, that's awful. I'll go into details. But what about when I was with the world's strongest man in Malta?

Yeah. And he broke a seat. We were at a restaurant and the seat broke. I don't mind that. Well, I do. He had to leave the restaurant. He said this happens to him once a week. Happens all the time. They always break seats.

It's his garden furniture. Have you seen these guys? Oh, I went to a party once, a garden thing in Wolverhampton. I'm sorry to hear that. They had an enormous relative. You okay? I mean, he was. I shouldn't to hear that. They had an enormous relative. I mean, he was, I shouldn't name him, but he was a big relative.

And he sat on one of those plastic chairs and I thought, that's going to break. That's going to break if he sits on it. It didn't break. What it did, it just went straight into the lawn. The legs just went straight in. So he's still sitting on it, but he's at ground level. And then there's a lot of men sort of averting the eyes of others, saying, don't ask me to help.

And he was just on the floor. Oh, man. But the chair just went straight down like that. A broken chair is humiliating. It's like it was a chair in one of those houses of the future. It just went into the ground. Do you think he took that as a little moment in life to think, maybe...

Well, that's why I must admit... I was just going to say, do you feel more body dysmorphic after the episode? I did think the diet starts here. You cried. I did. It's for a bathroom without scales, isn't it? I mean, it was.

I mean, I should have meant... My personal assistant was sitting on my lap going... Oh, that's fine. Going through some fan mail. They're not built for two of those toilet seats. What about the tandem ones? Hey, what about a tandem toilet seat? That's, um...

No? Like a love seat. Anyway, in the tradition, the grand tradition of pics or it didn't happen, I have taken a photo of the crack toilet seat. Well, I hope in a reasonable condition. No, I cleaned up the surrounding area, but, um, but yeah. Well, you say you did, Daniel Craig's cleaner did. No, she's not, she's not with me anymore. Oh, yeah, she's gone.

She's totally committed to Craigie. That's awks. Totally committed to Craigie? Was that a song from Grease? Oh, yeah. Totally committed to Craigie. Um, anyway, Oh, yeah. Told me, come this head to Craigie. Anyway, that is it, I think. Oh, is it? Shall we put it?

I'm going to put up the photo of the crack seat. Why not? Yeah. It was a shocking incident, I can tell you. Sounds like it. No warning. So have you had it fixed? Because if I come around, I want a warning.

No, you know. I don't want to deepen the fist here. As ever. You never want a domestic accident at the weekend because you just think, oh, I can't, I'm not being charged time and half. Just go and use David Baddiel's lavatory. I reckon when you next go,

it's just going to have some slightly weary-looking silver gaffer tape over the crack. I'd say it's going to have some silverfish. Well, anyway, I'm making do with a colander over the top at the moment. Thank you so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.