The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Cool Beans

Episode Date: May 20, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss tiredness hacks, first date deal breakers and Frank treats the Alun and Emily to some new impressions.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm getting down with Emily Dean and Alan Cocker. Hurry up and add that bit. You can text our little show on 81215, 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I think we're all looking forward to some fun text-ins, aren't we?

Yes. You know, we're good at that. That sounds like a Radio 1, it's absolutely fun-textic this morning. We're having a fun-textic time. Shall we start saying that when we have a fun text? Yeah, I'm going to adopt it. Write it down, will you?

Yeah. Font textic. As you say it. Spell it as you say it. Okay. I like that you are just to write it down because it's not often I get asked that and I miss it, Frank.

Oh. I like to write things. I didn't write it at first because you said that somebody else had done it and I thought... No, someone else wouldn't have done it because when I was listening, they didn't have texts

when I was listening to Radio 1. I'm going to write it down. Font-textic. It's absolutely brilliant. I was more of a Caroline girl myself. Was she really? No, I wasn't. I was before my time.

I used to listen to something called Laser Radio. Laser? Yeah. Anyway, you're looking shocked. Did it evolve? It was a pirate radio. Okay. It was a pirate radio station.

Did it use a laser as part of its broadcasting? No, I don't think so. But lasers were trendy back then. They thought it was all the world of the future, wasn't it? Silver dresses, laser radio. The reason I can never have laser eye surgery is I can't shrug off its proximity to Sean Connery's crotch and goldfinger.

Yeah. When it's burning through metal plate. Are you going to put that in your eye? I don't think so. It's surprising that so many people don't have that reaction to it, because I see that as totally understandable, what you just said. But lots of people go for that surgery. A lot of people alive now haven't seen Goldfinger.

That's maybe it. We've had some missives, actually. Have we? We've had a couple of whatever happened to. I don't know if you feel it's too early in the proceedings. No, for new readers, we occasionally have... Well, I use... Shall we try? I'll try one and I'll do the jingle.

Give them the benefit of the doubt and then you do it. OK, here we go. Whatever happened to... Tyre swings. Oh. Tyre swings. I believe that the simian world still use them. And the great apes.

Well, not all of us are as friendly with them. I mean, you've had such unique bonds with some of them. Exactly. But they love a tire swing. But you don't see them in playgrounds so much. No, that's from Connor on Twitter, by the way. So thanks for that. But I don't know if Frank's going to let you have you have that well the thing i miss most in the children's playground

is the witch's hat do you remember that the witch oh yes i used to be a big cone thing that used to be suspended on this big um the point used to sit on this big pole it was so perilous and yeah i think that's they used if you get one swinging, they used to come off the pole and this enormous metal cone would go spinning across the playground on a good night. Look, I've seen kids go right over the top on swings. Go right... Oh, yeah.

Brilliant. We've also had a Whatever Happened To. I'm not sure it's... Well, we'll see. We'll see what you think. Do you want to jingle again? Yeah, if you like. Whatever Happened To, that I'm not sure it's... Well, we'll see. We'll see what you think. Do you want to jingle again? Yeah, if you like. Whatever Happened To

Idiot Boy Racers Hello, Lecoq Sportif, Pearl and Dean, Per Francesco Skinner. After having a boring day stuck indoors avoiding the rain, I headed out to take the dog out with my mum in the evening sun. Halfway through the walk, suddenly there was two cars with their car horns blaring out for about five seconds and lots of shouting quite surprised at the noise i said to my mom what on earth is their problem to which she said just some idiot boy racers and then he started to sing the jingle whatever happened to oh good i'm glad it's being used i think they're still alive and well in the provinces. Yes, but I don't think

they're called the idiot boy races. It's a bit like yobbos. I don't remember the idiot boy races. I just remember boy races is what we call them. What about hooligans? I remember some, I was on tour and me and the support act

and the tour manager were walking. Let me get this, we were in Stockton, and some boy racer type screeched to walk next to us, shouted gay boys out the window and then drove off. Wow. I was just happy we were that well-dressed. LAUGHTER So someone's remembered Laser Radio

which has made me very happy I mean I shouldn't be advertising other radio stations but this one had closed down in 1988 That's probably alright then I think it's okay to mention other radio stations I always try and be a bit derisive if I do but this obviously means a lot to you, Nostalgia Wars.

It really does. Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. That's not me. This is Russ Payne, who says, Oh, my God, I thought I was the only person to ever listen to Laser 558. They used to broadcast from the MV communicator out in the North Sea.

Thank you, Emily. You've made my weekend, not the only one. It's interesting, those things in life, when you honestly think it might just have been you. You get to an age where you start to think, have I imagined that to happen? Like Mark Sabre, the one-armed detective. I've never met anyone else who remembers that show.

I don't know that either. Because I think you're one of your funny lies. Yeah, I think it... No, i think it uh maybe i just uh it was the that night i tried absinthe there is a slight jacuzzi of uh of you maybe being up to one of your funny lies well hold on a minute we have a section called frank's funny liesies. No, I don't. I never lie. I don't lie. OK, well, let's test this. For comedy purposes, you exaggerate. 275 has texted. Not to say that Frank is lying, but, you know, they are. But doing a 360-degree rotation on a swing is physically impossible.

To generate that amount of centripetal force... Nah. Wow. To overcome gravity would require some sort of crane. Maybe in Birmingham they had. Now, you see, why he's got that, because he hasn't seen the phenomenon, it doesn't do the full swing.

He doesn't see it. When it gets to the top of the arc, it just drops. Yeah. Yes. So, while he's got a picture, I suppose if you could see, if you had one of those heat things that showed the swing of the chained swing, it'd look like Pac-Man. Yeah.

Because it goes up and then it drops. It doesn't completely... Yeah, yeah. These people, scientists, they think they know everything. Yeah, but have they had a good play out in a playground properly? Evidently not. Of course not, because they were the kids in their glasses. Doing their homework, that sort were the kids in their glasses. Doing their homework.

Junior lab coats. Exactly. I love a kid in a junior lab coat. Whatever happened to junior lab coats? That'd be a good one. I've got a bit of a cold. Oh, Frank. I tell you what, I tried

doing my pterodactyl impression yesterday and it was, you know, you've got a bit of a cold. You know tried doing my pterodactyl impression yesterday and it was, you know, you've got a bit of a cold. You know you do a pterodactyl, you've got a bit of a cold. You really feel it in your throat. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do. It did occur to me, I'll try it just for the sake of a bit, it usually goes a bit higher than that.

Yeah. For years, when I did it yesterday, for years I've been confident that that's a pterodactyl impression. But of course the evidence, I mean there's more evidence for the swing. Yeah. But who knows what a pterodactyl, I've got that from Ray Harryhausen or someone like that. Right.

Well, exactly. Who's that? He's got that from a 50s idea of the pterodactyl. He made those films with Jason the Argonauts and stuff. And there was always a lady in a furry bikini being taken off a cliff, being picked up by the dinosaur. Ah, that was in the day. Of course, you couldn't do that now.

Yeah, because it had to be faux fur. Yeah. For a start-off. Ah, then it'd have to be a gilet. Eh? And then it'd have to be a bloke in one as well. Yeah. Right?

And then you can't say anything about Cliff anymore. Anyway, so... That is a fact. Yeah. So, I'd like to... I mean, maybe... Hurry up. Maybe it went...

The pterodactyl. Like that. I liked your... Like I mean, maybe. Hurry up. Maybe it went... The pterodactyl. Like that. I liked your... Like Frank Spencer. We don't know. Frank Spencer of the dinosaurs. It might have just hummed. I like the concept of the pterodactyl getting into a little bit of trouble.

There's a slight sort of a flesh-like beret on top of the head of the pterodactyl. Is that a sequel to a kind of hush all over the world? This is a flesh-like beret all over the pterodactyl's head. Tonight, all over the pterodactyl's head. Anyway, if you know what a pterodactyl... No, you won't. Don't text that in. I mean, for example, Henry VIII. I could say out and do a brilliant impression of Henry VIII.

Oh, go on Hang on let me prepare myself Pass me up a crumble will you Pass me up a crumble please Because he's probably had like Spanish and French tutors It didn't sound like that We don't know

But it wouldn't have been apple crumble would it But they made me have a reformation I think yeah Always a reformation. I think, yeah. Always the reformation with you, isn't it? For all you know, that is the best Henry VIII impression anyone's ever done since everyone died who could remember what he sounded like. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing, I've no idea what we were discussing. I'll tell you, we were discussing Emily's... Oh, Henry VIII's... Oh, yeah, you were doing your impression. You did a quite extraordinary impression of Henry VIII. Yeah, we did. But prior to that, we were actually discussing

Emily's listening to Laser 558. Yeah. And Alan Dupre from Manchester. Oh, Jacqueline's brother. Made-up name, maybe? Might be a funny name. Might not be. I don't think so.

The cellist, Jacqueline. He might be related. I like it. It's different. Hey. Is it the most northern, sensible, basic bloke Alan's ever been? Dupre, that can't be a real name, can it?

No, they're talking about... It's a nice name. Do pray they call me a real name, can't they? No, they're talking about... It's nice of them. I'm assuming it is a real name. Hey, I used to listen to Laser 558 and I even bought a record they released called I Spy for the BPI or similar. It wasn't BPI. I think it was DTI, which is that Department

of Trade and Industry or something? Anyway. Love it. Yeah, it was a great record. Was it? Yeah. Anyway. Love it. Yeah, it was a great record. Was it? Yeah. Good. Do you remember Life FM, I think they were called? Life? No, but exactly.

I think the only reason they called it that is because they couldn't afford to make their own jingle, so they just used, Life, ooh, life, life. Which is one of the best topics for a song ever. Yeah. It's almost as good as Mariah Carey's Emotions. Do you think everyone can identify with it?

What about feelings? I mean, these are broad topics. Broad topics. Very, very broad. Mariah even says, you've got me feeling emotions. Yeah. I mean, come on. Life, you've got to narrow it down a bit.

You need something. Like, puff the magic dragon, you've got something to hold on to. They're looking at it and thinking, well, if we can get everyone that's experienced what this song's about, that is a lot of units we're going to shift. That's what it is. It's breadth of appeal. Oh, yeah.

Because a lot of people see Puff the Magic Dragon and think, oh, I'm not sure about that. I haven't got one. Everyone's got a life. Yeah, I've never seen a dragon, I'm not sure about... I haven't got one. Everyone's got a life. Yeah, I've never seen a dragon. I'm not sure about magic. I don't like the sort of... the asthmatic nature of the name.

It's a real shame, because I was going to call my Edinburgh show this year Jokes About Life. Now I feel like I've excluded a whole load of potential audience members. Yeah, and also, a lot of people love jokes about death. They're not going to come. You've alienated that whole section. No, I would stick to... Knife.

Knife. See, if it had been, say, Knife, ooh, Knife, then you'd have thought, oh, OK, cutlery-based. Not a lot of cutlery-based music. Very few. Or Wife. Ooh, Knife. Then you'd have thought, oh, OK, cutlery-based. Not a lot of cutlery-based music. Very few. Or Wife. Wife, yeah.

That's another love song, though. I'm not going to say love song. It's probably a story of love gone wrong. Yeah, yeah. It's a shame, really, that there aren't songs about cutlery when people do legitimately play the spoons. You're right. People actually do that?

Oh, yeah. Hey. I can get a bit of a syncopation out of the spoons. I know, I'm sure you can, but you don't need to, surely, anymore. Sylvester McCoy in his role as the Doctor played the spoons. OK? You watch Doctor Who? I do watch Doctor Who occasionally.

I find it to be very invigorating I'll tell you I'll be watching it tonight what about this what was it back on Taylor Taylor made for me

Doctor Who tonight features the Pope I mean come on Skinner Dean and Cochran together

the Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I did. I attended what I'm going to call a football dinner at the weekend. You know a football dinner, people stand up, say. Yeah, yeah. Oh, like a black tie thing. And then you all eat a football.

It wasn't actually black tie, it was a bit more, we didn't need football. Lounge suits. Yeah, lounge a black tie. And then you wore the football. It wasn't actually black tie. It was a bit more... We didn't need football. Lounge suits. Yeah, lounge suits, mainly. I wore a lounge suit. I didn't... A shoot? Get back to you as soon as I can.

That's the producer's answer machine message for new readers. Is it still your answer machine? It's his defiantly sticking machine. Frank pointed out to her not long ago that her message said... Who's her? The cat's mother? Yes, I'm the one being abusive. I'll get back to you as Shewn as I can. Yes.

Anyway, it was hosted by Duncan McKenzie. Do you remember him? Oh, yes. I do know him. He was a very fine footballer, but whenever he's mentioned in football in circles, it is not his football which comes up first. It's the fact that he could jump over a mini. He didn't play for Everton, did he?

He did play for Everton. Good knowledge, James. Thank you. Yeah. Yes, I do remember that, Frank, because my friend Scouse Tony is an Everton fan and he's got big pictures of that everywhere yeah well he was he arrived with posters

of himself jumping over a mini at Leeds United which were £5 each he used to get people would bet him a fiver he couldn't do it apparently when he started in football for the first two years he was making more money out of jumping over minis than he was playing professional football

but it's a brilliant can evil but yes and when you see the picture he bundles himself into a tiny ball as he flies over the roof i'm not talking about the body i'm talking about the roof and was this post his mid-football career that Sort of from the beginning. You wouldn't get the insurance for that now, would you? He had one other... His other distinctive thing is he could stand at one end of Leeds United's ground and he could throw a golf ball that didn't land to the other end. He was measured 140 yards throwing a golf ball. He sounds like some athlete.

I'll say. I'll say. I mean, if they'd had a major athletics event based on the Italian job, he would have been famous. Ah, shoe-in. So, what's the event? Shoe-in?

Shoe-in, that's what they say. They should do that. And there's sort of a... I'll get back to you as shoe-in as I can. They should have... Just to spice up athletics, they should have them based on, you know, films and...

What happens when Daisy eschews dessert? Oh, lovely. I mean, that gets complicated. What about the 101 metres, with each metre marked by a different Dalmatian at the side of the track? That would be a good one. Oh, I'd love that.

I'd love to watch that. Because imagine trying to keep him in control. Oh. So who else was in it? Well, I'm good at that, as you know. Sir Geoff Hurst was there. Shut up. Yeah, he was.

Wow. And Gordon Banks. Banks of England. A lot of people there. Yeah. Banks of England. And very excitingly, Paul Trevelyan was there. Oh. Now, do you know who Paul Trevelyan is?

no I don't I'm afraid let me jog your memory a bit do you remember there used to be a thing what happened to you there? it was a comic it was a comic tell the monasteries

I'm going to close them down still not forgiving him have you? I've got the glass, I'm done. Still not forgiving him, have you? No, no. I like that he's humanised the monasteries. Tell the monasteries. So Paul Trevelyan is an artist, particularly a comic artist,

and he did a thing called You Are the Ref. Oh, really? And it would be a short comic strip in which you're faced with a dilemma of football rules. Oh, excellent. Right. And then you add to... Or cricket, he did as well. You are the umpire.

Oh, he didn't stop at football. But he's a very interesting man. He's 83 now. Wow. He's a previous... I'll tell you, on the Leeds United I know we normally talk about football but I'm not talking about

football in a footbally way. Leeds United in the 70s had this thing where they had sock tags. So they had little garters that they wore. Sort of thing Henry VIII might have worn in fact. Yeah they're a them be tight,

they had their cows. And they had their numbers on, and they talked, do you remember them now? Really? It was like a fashion. They were designed by Paul Trevelyan. Really?

He was also... If anyone was to have seen them up close, it would have been me. He was a world record speed kisser at one point. No. You've got some with man crush on him. Well, he's a pretty amazing bloke. But let me tell you what he did on the night.

Well, first of all, he signed one of his pieces of art for me and he wrote... Is that what they call it? He said to Frank, top funny man, Paul Trevelyan. I thought, that'll do me. That will do moi. And then he got on stage and he had an easel on stage. Now I love a bit of art on stage.

That's a cabaret act. Do you remember Quick on the Draw? Yes. Did he work quick, did he? He talks you through it. So he's got a drawing he's already done of an elephant. Right. And he says, this is the Pele elephant.

And then he does a bit of drawing here, just a little bit, a little bit there, turns it round. It's Pele. Oh, that's great. I mean, come on. Come on. He's put a a good one. I mean, come on. Come on. He's put a twist on it. I loved it.

The Pele elephant. You can't go wrong with that, can you? So this morning's texting. What's the strangest stage act you've ever seen? And we'll come back to that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I used to...

It was about six of us. We sold hearing aids door to door and we used to be known as the Eye Team. I said, Eye? But it was a short-term profession for me. You didn't stay in it? No. No.

No-one ever answered the door who needed one. Yeah, you had a lot of other irons in the fire as well, though, didn't you? Oh, I had a few. Several businesses. He had some mangles as well. He had all sorts. Yeah. What else happened at this football dinner, then?

Well, that happened. I was talking about strange acts, though. I've not had any. Nobody's ever seen a strange act. The thing that... There was an act... When I was on tour a acts, though. I've not had any. Nobody's ever seen a strange act. The thing that... There was an act... When I was on tour a couple of years ago, there was an act touring where a bloke contacted the spirit world.

Oh, yeah. The way all the spirits... There's a lot of that. And his wife did a drawing of the spirit that he'd contacted. Oh. Wow. And that'd be worth seeing, wouldn't it? Yeah.

And I hope she doesn't draw everyone with a sheet. You know, arms extended in a sheet. And a black Reeboks underneath. Yeah. Maybe that's all she changes. She changes, she has like period shoes underneath. So if she calls up somebody from Tudor times, there's like, you know,

those sort of weird medieval slipper things that you get. Yeah. It's very self-confident of her as an artist, isn't it? Like, she's utterly convinced that the spirit she's going to see, she can commit to paper. No one's going to pull her up on the likeness. Apart from him. I think you got the nose a bit wrong on that one.

What kind of supportive partner would that be? The Iceman, people. I've worked with the Iceman. The Iceman? He used to wheel on, on a metal trolley, an enormous lump of ice. Oh, I've seen him. He'd do a 20-minute act in which he melted it.

He told... I think I saw him on a show and he came on saying I just thought I'd break the ice. And then he destroyed the ice and then did a... I don't remember him being that funny. He used to melt it with a blowtorch. And he used to tell stories

about his life. Who life? Wide appeal life stuff. The life man he should have been called. Look him back. Oh, that might make him sound like a prisoner. Anyway. Whatever happens to you?

People asking you the time. Oh, yeah, that's gone. No one ever. When's the last time you asked someone in the street the time? Excuse me, mate, you got the time? Well, it's interesting you should say that because I left my mobile phone at home recently and I didn't have my watch.

Oh, gasp. And I was taking the dog out for a walk and i needed to know the time because i'm a busy woman i had appointments finally it was a watch dog oh lovely lovely and i thought i can't ask someone because there were a few men and i thought this is going to look like i'm hitting on them it's too embarrassing so you're right i think it is absolutely died out that well you know my dad what did you do what did you do i What did you do? I'm curious. I just trusted my intuition. Oh.

Which it turns out is always right. I found with a poppy, if you turn them upside down, you can use their private parts as a sundial. Good system. That's what those dots mean. Mine's somewhat on the small side, I'm afraid. Well, that's all right. When I was a child, well, not child,

I used to have a paper round, and I'd quite often have no wristwatch for that, and if I thought I was running late, I would think, how am I going to check the time? And my little trick for it was to look into cars where they've got a clock. Oh. But I now realise that they would spend half of the year

being an hour too fast or an hour too slow, because that's how most people's cars are. I've never, ever changed the clock in my car. Yeah, who does? I can do that kind of mental arithmetic, not too much. Yeah, if it's only six months of the year, isn't it? You can just learn it. I've got a...

Like my sat-nav, I look at that and it says estimated time of arrival. I thought, I think four's a lot nearer than I thought. Never put it forward. No, a mate told me that he was on New Street Station in Birmingham. And he asked... Now, at the time, we would have said a tramp. Right. But I don't think you can say that anymore.

My father used to call him Gentleman of the Road. Well, he asked a similar character. He said he's running for a turn, he's in a slight panic, and he said to him, you've got the time, mate. And the tramp bloke said, I don't operate on a chronological system. That is brilliant. Yes.

But who would ask such a person at the time it seems wrong well I like it you know why because that gentleman of the road I feel a tremendous fondness for him because he's a bit of a git excellent in the most fabulous way and with a lovely turn of phrase that's what Frank would say

I was in a cafe once in Harbour in Birmingham and there was a similar gentleman of the road Trump's itinerant hobo man and a bloke come in in a sheepskin jacket and said to him mate

have you got a blue Mondeo and he said no I haven't he said ok he has somebody else what are you thinking of? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you will. You were talking about Stranger Stage Act people have ever seen. Yeah.

And 443 has been in touch to say, Years ago, whilst on holiday in Tenerife, we watched a woman showing us the many ways you can tie a sarong. It lasted about an hour and a half. And I'd like to thank 443 because when you said strange stage acts i had completely forgotten i for a moment thought i haven't seen any but now there's a whole subset of stage acts you see on holiday and i think they're a different category altogether people bringing out like a parrot that pushes along a little wire thing. What is that?

Why am I watching that on my holiday? Oh, I love all stuff like that. Well, Peter has been in touch. A strange act that reminded me of starting university in 1971. One of our welcoming events involved a wardrobe being carried into the middle of the audience whereupon a man broke out from the wardrobe by means of an axe,

cutting the wood with splinters flying everywhere. I don't think any of us will ever forget this. I doubt it would be allowed now. That's from Pete. Said, I wouldn't let you do it now. No, you're right. Health and safety gone mad. And look at the entertainment we've lost the house on.

Or they would have spoiled it by saying, all right, you're allowed to do it, but everybody in the audience has to have those plastic glasses on. And then you distribute them, and they all know something's going to happen. And a lab coat. Yeah, ridiculous world, isn't it? Lenny Bruce, the legendary American stand-up,

said that when he first started doing those, there was a bloke on that circuit. He used to come on in full evening dress with a step ladder. It was about 10 feet high. No, probably not that high, probably 8 feet high. And he used to set that up on stage and then he'd jump, he'd climb to the top,

put his hands behind his back, jump off and land on his head without stopping. Then he'd get up a little bit staggered, take a bow, and that would be his act. But they said he always got bookings. That was the act everyone talked about after. Wow. But, you know, you've got to get that right.

I mean, your stand-up comic who does 20 minutes a night feels like he's on a bit of a result for not having a long working day, but a guy who just jumps off a ladder and lands on his head. How long's that? 90 seconds maximum brilliant yeah but i paid to see that yeah anyway yeah but you paid to see a puppet show in edinburgh once with me i love a puppet show i said we're going to a puppet show i went oh i actually didn't mind it frank it wasn't. It wasn't that bad, really. I like mime as well.

Oh, mime's good. Clown. What about this? What about this for mime? Pretty good. Pretty good, eh? Very good. Didn't see that coming.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I need to share something with you this morning, which has to do with Victoria Beckham, who I'm a massive fan of her work. And it can be called work now. I'm not sure it could have always been the case, but she's a very decent designer.

They work those pop stars. Oh, that's true. I know, but there is a lot of turning up to do with that job. There's a lot of turning up. There's a lot more creativity. Can I ask you about that, then, before we move on? Are you still in the fashion industry? You never leave, darling.

OK. But you're not professionally involved, is that true? Is there such a thing as a ghost designer a bit like a ghost writer yes absolutely yeah yeah and a creative consultant we call it oh okay yes there's a bit like you know in tv you have um program associates who basically are writing the material for the on-screen talent yes not in your case not frank not frank i'm not on telly sorry frank so creative consultant you know where i'm going with this i know where you're you're suggesting that is i'm not suggesting i'm asking i don't know i'd like to i'd like to

believe i'd like to imagine her sitting next to a sketchbook doing those sweeping, flowing fashion drawings that you see at other bases, which I've always loved. Yeah. Right up there with the court artists. Yes. I haven't seen her etchings, personally. No. However...

I went to see her etchings in her cosy little flat. I don't know how good she is actually at art, in the way that your Kath, for example, is, a very fine artist. Yes. I can't imagine her doing etchings like that. But is she saying stuff like that epaulette? I don't like... Does it need to be pointed, the epaulette? Yes, she is.

Could it have a curvature? She's saying stuff like that. I would say that to you on a daily basis. You don't find that hard to believe. I'm just trying to... She's a myth to me, posh. BB. I'm still on a daily basis. You don't find that hard to believe. I'm just trying to... She's a myth to me. Posh. BB.

I'm still called a posh. Can I just say I love an epaulette. So I'm happy that they've been mentioned. Oh. I... Love them. She's come out with some very... I actually know I breed parrots

and I find they get the claws caught in epaulettes. Well, you do love your hobby. She's come out with a wonderful piece of advice, though. Well, she says that when she looks tired, she puts sunglasses on. She doesn't wear them to look trendy or cool or chic. She does it to hide what she calls a multitude of sins. And it's an anti-tiredness hack.

Frank seems unconvinced. Well, over to you, Frank Skinner. This is the bloke who got 17 free pairs of sunglasses. Geoff Razier got nine. But I'm still a bit... I'm very self-conscious about sunglasses unless it's a glaringly sunny day. Are you DJ Skepta about this?

I am a bit, because I do think people wear them to look cool. It's one of the naffiest, showbiz things. I'd like to say I wear sunglasses, and I very much wear them to look cool. All right. That's the only reason I would wear them. But you're not denying it. No, I'm not.

You're not saying it's a tiredness hack. Yeah, I think she was saying that. And also, I share some of your cynicism, Frank, and I bring some of my own because I think she said, you know, I wear sunglasses to hide a multitude of sins at the launch of her sunglasses brand. So I think she might have been going, hey, don't just wear them when it's sunny, wear them when you're tired.

And a new fragrance, which is called a multitude of sins. MOS. But you know, they're very a multitude of sins. M.O.S. But you know, they're very anti-aging sunglasses. Are they? Well, everybody looks good in sunglasses. You can't look bad in them. I saw a picture of the Elephant Man in a pair of Ray-Bans. Wraparounds.

Actually, I think they were React-A-Lite Rapides. And he looked pretty good yeah yeah if i may bring my own experience into this i was at the petrol station the other day and i was approached by a man i don't think i've ever looked worse i had my hair in uh a top knot no it wasn't good it wasn't it was like a sort of minor coronation street character i wasn't looking. It wasn't. It was like a sort of minor Coronation Street character. I wasn't looking my best. No make-up. Terrible clothes. And because I had the sunglasses on, he came over. He said,

may I just say how lovely you look? Did he? He did! I was on the way to Daisy Producers to watch Eurovision Song Contest. He said, may I just say how lovely you look? I said, thank you so much. I was quite friendly, but then I decided, and then he started asking for things and I thought I'd better make my excuses and leave.

Okay. Yeah. He's a forward character, isn't he? He was, yeah. I'd never do that. I'm the poll at the services. Also, there was one point when he was loitering over my bonnet and I don't like that. Were you wearing a bonnet?

Like Bramwell. I like the idea. Oh yeah, you didn't like that. What were you wearing? A bonnet? Like Bramwell. I like the idea. And the sunglasses. Oh, yeah, you didn't mention you were dressed as Jane Austen. Do you like her bottle dark? Jane Austen, 840, as she's known at the services. Oh, it's gone very strange, this. Well, there you go, anyway.

Makeup girls, you don't need it. Well, there you go anyway. Makeup girls, you don't need it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So we were talking about VB and her shades in the multitude of things. Yes. But she also said that she uses, was it bucket loads of concealer? Yeah.

That's her other tip for avoiding looking tired. I mean, they're quite route one, the tips, I'm not going to lie. I do like the word concealer. Yeah. I think it upfronts the sort of cloak and dagger element of makeup. Yes. Because it's absolutely what it says on the tin. It's there to hide behind. I wear a lot of

concealer, actually. Oh, do you? Camouflage. Ah! Oh! Pterodactyl. There goes another one. Do you think that's what the military are doing when they put on

camouflage? They are concealing, aren't they? I suppose they are. Okay, I've gone with it. I've already gone with it. You don't have to drag me. I don't have to drag it out. All right, Alan, you've made your joke. Let's move on.

It's like some scene out of Ben-Hur you're being so proud of, Frank. What's the difference between concealer and foundation? Oh, this is like the strangest act you've ever seen. Me on the stage answering that question for 90 minutes, okay. See, I think a foundation has been like a backdrop for all the makeup that you're going to put on.

Yeah, 100. So if you think of foundation as your base and then your concealer is the sort of the tambourine of the band, if you like, pepping it up. Concealer is specifically for under-eye areas, and there's no... I'm not going to dress this up for spots.

I'm glad you've mentioned under-eye areas, because I've got some... Someone gave me some eye gel. Right. I don't know what the hell... Do I put it in my eye? I've asked myself. You rub it underneath the eye area. Well, it's a bit of a... They shouldn't call it

eye gel. I nearly put... I thought it would give my eyes a bit of a sparkle. And other topics I thought I'd never be discussing with Frank Skinner. But, no, don't put it inside, darling. No. Just underneath. Well, they should be clearer about that. Don't call it eye gel. Most people know. Clear eye gel.

Most people kind of know that you don't put it in your eyes. So I put it under my eyes to get rid of the bags. All around the Clear eye gel. Most people kind of know that you don't put it in your eyes. So I put it under my eyes to get rid of the bags. All around the general eye area. Oh, God, I wonder what he's going to say. Oh, it's that kind of eye gel, is it? Okay, I haven't tried it yet because of my uncertainty. You don't really need it.

I know, but it's free. You've taken the youth elixir. It's free. I'm thinking of using, like, just one tube for one go. But her talking about this tiredness, it did make me think, I think the single rudest thing someone can say is, you look tired.

I cannot abide it. You see, I don't mind it. If someone says to me, you look tired, you know what I say? What? I say, no, I'm just old now. This is just my face now. Oh, dear. I'm like, no. Nope, just my face now.

Touch of the ring goes down. No, you're all right. See, I say stuff like, well, you see, I'm so sought after in my profession. That's good. You know, I'm doing lots of work. And yes, it is exhausting, but I just, you know, I think I just owe the public for me to be there. Good day to you.

And that's basically... Frank, you know what? I'm having that. Yes. I mean, it doesn't quite work with me. I think that if you've got a good reason to be tired, I remember once someone saying to me I look tired, and I said, sorry, there was a siege in the flat above last night. And it was true

it was absolutely true now that good reasons to be tired good reasons to be tired 8, 12, 15 and spare me

those ones oh come on come on don't spare me no text from legends yeah and I'm not I'm not having

just in case our kid texts Keith texts I'm not having night fishing. It's got to be something a bit more zingy. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were talking about Victoria Beckham. Yeah. Someone said that on the text, 900 has said, I genuinely misheard buckets of concealer for buckets of tequila Doesn't sound very VB does it? She'd be a buckets of tequila kind of lady Apparently

David Beckham is the husband I actually feel a frisson when the name is mentioned It's something about the man. I actually feel a frisson when the name is mentioned. It's something about the man, everything about the man. Gorge, isn't he? Gorge.

I haven't felt a frisson since I worked in the dairy industry. Do you have anyone where you feel that frisson? Obviously, Kat. When their name is mentioned. Could be a man. It's just a respect or just something lovely. I can think of 13 actors. Lovely. Oh, yeah.

I'd say Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee Baker. So adorable. Davison. I knew. Baker. McCoy, McCoy. No, I'm stopping, I'm going to stop.

Disgusting. No, apparently he's thinking of buying an island for their 20th anniversary. Oh, yeah, I heard that. And there's a few on the list. I mean, that's amazing, isn't it? I mean, come on. I mean, if I bought Kath an island,

I don't know, she'd be that... She'd be worried about the moseys and things. Yeah, exactly. Where do we get there? Is there a road no um one of the one of the ones he's looked at incredibly let me get this right it's called toad hall estate in the british virgin islands lovely is that's not the where it's it's not the original home of no that must have been what it was based on. No, that must have been Norfolk or somewhere, I believe.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Where was Toad Hall, 8, 12, 15? I love literary texting on a Saturday. People will know that, it's very popular. If you look at people's favourite books, celebrities, they always say, people who don't read, always say Windu Willows. And much as I love the book, I've got to say Great Gatsby.

People that have read one book, Catherine and Ryan, Great Gatsby, thank you. Well, they're nice quick books to read, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Didn't we have a chat recently about quick books that you can really polish off and then make yourself sound like you know quite a lot about literature?

Heart of Darkness, do you remember? Only the other week I was in a Heart of Darkness workshop. Yes. Inadvertently, I might add. You know quite a lot about literature. Heart of Darkness. Do you remember the other week I was in a Heart of Darkness workshop? LAUGHTER Yes. That's a good one. Inadvertently, I might add. But it reminded me, you know, Necker Island? Yes.

Oh, is that Richard Branson? Owned by Richard Branson. Which he got quite cheap, but it cost him £10 million to make it. Back in the 70s. Oh, I see. Yeah, it cost him £10 million to make it, you know. But imagine going there. I really wish I'd cultivated him more.

No, but I think... Because that would have been useful for us, Frank. Nice absolute holiday. I think Richard Branson, I honestly think this, the reason he bought it in the British Virgin Islands is because of the Virgin thing. Yes! So he spent 10 million pounds on a pond.

That's your reason, isn't it? I've got to respect him for that. Yeah. And maybe Necker Island, maybe he's a big fan of the love bite. I think so. Well, Frank, can I tell you who you'd also respect? Someone who lives quite near me, at number 2B, has written in italics, 2B or not 2B,

on the wall of their apartment. Excellent. Well, in Chelsea, I think, yes, anyway, in Chelsea, just by the river, there used to be two cars parked in a double garage. Yeah. And one was called, the number plate was 2B. Oh. And the other one was not 2B.

Oh, that's classy. And I went past one, so they were parked the wrong way around. It ruined my day. I mean, make an effort. You've gone to all that trouble. It's like Hans and Dec getting it the wrong way around. You can't do that. Hans and Dec getting it the wrong way around.

What a party that was. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were discussing the Beckhams. I mean, they're a much discussed couple, I think it's fair to say. Yeah, and we've contributed

to that over the years. Why not? Well, I don't know. I liked it in this article that I read where she said... Can I just stop you there? Have we asked people for their tiredness hacks? Oh, don't think we have. That's a good idea, yeah. Shouldn't we do that?

I like her texting. Yeah, notice. Although do be careful about this, because I recently had a conversation with my friend Stuart and I said to him, oh, do you remember that thing you told me years ago that apples wake you up? Like when you eat an apple, apparently it's the quickest you can get kind of sugar energy to your system or something. He told me in great detail and he used the phrase, apples are the lorry driver's friend, right? Apparently lorry drivers put apples on the passenger. I thought it was a chocolate bar. Yeah, I thought it was a Yorkie.

I think I even mooted this at the time like, oh, a banter. I thought it was the Yorkie. Anyway. Are you actually asking me? No. Yorkies. I've pounded the road from coast to coast.

I don't want to know about that. Yorkie and me. What about big, rich and thick? A milk chocolate brick. Oh, day to him. More than it was... Yorkie's a mighty big mouthful. Turn out.

Turn out. It was hisful. Turn out. Turn out. It was his colleague. Good night. Wow. Oh, yes. Anyway. York is the way the real milk chocolate ought to be. And then he says,

and when I steal that big old mill, there's still a lot in store for me. He steals that mill? Is that where it went, this song? Yeah. He steals the mill. When I steal that big old mill. There's still a lot in store for me. He steals that mill. Is that where it went, this song? Yeah. He steals the mill. It's a strange area. That big old mill.

Steal the mill. I didn't know there was such a complex narrative arc to his story. I thought it was just the truck driver. I eat a chocolate on the run. I thought it was just that. No, the whole Yorkie thing. It's a narrative tale. Okay.

It's a specific, not like life. No. Well,. Fried onion rings. It's about the use of a chocolate bar as a companion. Yeah. Jean-Paul Sartre, sort of thing. So, anyway, if I may just... Yeah. Just for a moment, just drag us back to this chat that I had with Stuart.

I'm still reeling out from chocolate bar as a companion. Yeah. That's what it was about. Well, apparently it's not. Apparently it's apples. But then I said to Stuart recently, oh, remember that thing you told me like five, six years ago, apples are the lorry driver's friend?

I've been having apples on the passenger seat when I'm doing night-time driving. Just munch, munch, munch, wake me up. Boom. And he went, I've never heard that. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh no. So I've no idea who told me it. So we're going to get some tiredness hacks in, people are going to text us

and then in five years time we'll be saying oh it was 812 and it will have been 218 or something. Well I saw Holly Walsh Oh yeah. Big friend of the show. She was in Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain She was great on it, I saw her there. She was great on it.

I saw her there Tuesday night. She's always great. She said to me, you're looking very slim. I said, well, was it not you who said to me, you don't get a six-pack in the gym, you get it in the kitchen? She said, I've never heard that. What's that mean? I think that's good advice.

I think that was me. I think that was the cockerel. I think I'm sure it was Holly Walsh. Daisy Producer has just thrown her hat in the ring, a top one, FYI, and she said it was Holly. See? She remembers it.

See? Well, unfortunately, Holly's not on my side. Anyway, we're all following this advice. It's erroneous. It's erroneous. Yeah. It's erroneous tosh. This could be a texting, couldn't it? Who's giving you advice that it turned out was not bad? I don't feel good about it.

We could do with another texting. Here's one. Has anyone got any hard evidence that dream catchers work? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Green tea bags can I recommend for anti-tiredness. Tiredness hacks. Is that right?

Traditionally, people... On your eyes? Yeah, under the eyes. People would put normal tea bags, but the tannin stains are terrible. Is that right? So just go for the green tea bag. Is the theory behind it that the tea bags

are so hot you put them on your eyes and you go oh god I'm really awake is that how it works I believe it's the caffeine because that's why people also put rub coffee granules under the eye area do they? well that's interesting because I think the eyes the skin of the eyes is susceptible to

taking stuff because apparently vitamin C cures bruises so if you get a black eye you can put like kiwi fruit or some orange is susceptible to taking stuff because apparently vitamin C cures bruises. So if you get a black eye, you can put like kiwi fruit or some orange or something on there and it just heals it a little bit quicker. Yeah, thank you. In Westerns, of course,

they just used to splash cold water on the face, which I always loved that. People don't do that so much anymore. I think my mum did the cucumber thing. Cucumbers on the ice? Yeah, 70s, isn't it? 70s, 80s. Do you think when the Beckhams are having their intimate moments...

Oh, my goodness. ..that David Beckham ever plays is, Oi, both hands! Sound file. Oh, wow. That's a bit of a lark. A bit like she's saying, Put your phone down, will you? Oh, wow. That's a bit of a lark. She's saying, put your phone down, will you?

I find that people love looking tired because then you say you look tired and they say, yeah, you know, I'm tired. And then they can tell you how hard they've been working and how tough they are. I mean, she, in telling us the tiredness hacks that she uses to hide being tired is telling us how tired she is. Yeah. Because she said, I just got off a 15-hour flight,

which says I'm an international businesswoman. Yeah. So there's always... If someone tells you anything about being tired, there's always some ulterior motive behind you. And again, at the risk of sounding cynical, she was launching some sunglasses and some concealer. If someone tells me I look tired...

She's launching concealer as well, wasn't she? It's pretty route one, what she's done. If someone tells me I look tired, I just delete them from my contacts list. But you said that, that if someone says you look well, you don't like that either. Oh, yeah. The list is long, darling. I like those

subterfuge involved in her plugging her concealer. I mean, it's... Does she look after her kids at four o'clock in the morning, like she said? I don't know. Surely she's got nannies, hasn't she? Yeah. Ghost parents, as I like to call them.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Text the show, 181215. Follow the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I think a story from this week that we definitely

must discuss, because I'm going to say, you guys have got a dating history between you, haven't you? Well, not with each other. You've both lived lives and been on dates. But have any of them... Have you not? This is coming out here. So you haven't got a dating history?

Not as much. I don't speak about exes and stuff. I haven't got tons of... When you say you don't speak about them... No, I just haven't really. But anyway, anyway, I mean, I've dated, but none of them have gone this badly. I've gone to Stoney Ground. I've gone to Ork's Ground. Yeah, I feel like I've gone for but none of them have gone this badly. You know we've had Stoney ground, I've got Orks ground. Yeah, I feel like I've gone for Orks ground, you're right.

None of my dates have ever gone this bad that it's gone legal. Brandon Vesmar from... Oh, you're in a minority in this room. Have you heard about this dude from Austin, Texas... Oh, Brandon Vesmar, yeah. ...that is suing the lady that he went on a date with? It's on the BBC television news, this story. Brandon, from America, who knew?

And he's upset because she texted during the film Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. My sympathies are with her. I tell you what, he'd make a good Brandon Vesma. Oh, no, sorry. her he's she's spoiled his team he'd make a good brand and there's my oh no sorry oh no no got that completely oh no he understood the gist i don't know it's supposed to be just the keys no but your perfectionism is why i love you but also you know don't worry about it that's part of my day anyway he said it was kind of a first date from hell. About 15 minutes into the movie, his date started

texting and then he said, this is like one of my biggest pet peeves. Which is interesting because one of my biggest pet peeves is people talking about their pet peeves. My biggest pet peeve is murder. Hate it.

Oh, I hate it. You've got a real rule about that, haven't you? It's one of your pet hates, right? Yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah, so he's suing her. He's suing her. It is brilliant that he's suing her.

You like that? Oh, come on. I mean... He said she activated her phone. Hmm. He sounds, uh, interesting. I know, but... said she activated her phone hmm he sounds uh interesting i mean she activated her phone almost 10 to 20 times within 15 minutes love that is a lot i think she was clearly on the whatsapp that's what these young people do i've seen these two on the whatsapp sometimes they're just going

at it like the clappers over a brunch frank i know i And I say, who are you talking to? But on a first date... It's germane about putting the bins out. It's bad, isn't it? It is bad. I mean, for a start-off, I'd never take anyone to the cinema on a first date. It's the first date to have a conversation and find out what they like.

Anyone who offered that gots to go. No. I want to find out, you know, the important things on a first date. I always do a pub quiz. Good. Good. Good. And if I don't think they're into the general knowledge,

they're out. Right. Well, Frank, I seem to remember you had a specific scene in Laurel and Hardy you would show them. That's true. To see if they laughed at the right bit. Was that right? Well, they laughed at all.

Some of them didn't laugh at all. Oh, dear. I mean, come on. Yeah. I also once come on. Yeah. I also once finished with someone because they call fever pitch a novel. I remember that. It's clearly non-fiction.

I remember that casualty. But there's all sorts of... Me and Kat had a very difficult moment when she didn't know George Galloway was. Right. That was touching, Gav. Yeah. So, there's all sorts of reasons,

but you don't find out about people at all. What do you find out if you take them to the cinema? I suppose you find out if they text you in a film. Well, he texted her afterwards, and she texted back, are you serious? This is a John McEnroe approach. That's a bit early on the first day. Yeah. Well, she said her friend needed approach. That's a bit early on the first date.

Well, she said her friend needed her. That was not her friend. That was what we call an emergency text. All women do it when you want to get out of a date. Oh, I've got to go. My friend needs me. I know what word he was not using after that date. What? Font-text-ic. I think Nicky from Berkshire has been in touch

to say Frank my husband broke up with someone because she only had one jacket wow what a great reason that is a good reason though because if you're on the other side of that dinner table and you're seeing the same jacket you want a bit of squad rotation for what your visuals are well out in the first few weeks you're really hyper aware of the clothing and i do know the clothing choices i'm always worn that jacket again oh yeah but it took a while to

realize they only had one jacket wouldn't't it? Yeah, depending on the weather scenarios. I'll tell you what, I think odd reasons for dumping someone would be a good texting. Let's do it, 8, 12, 15. What about when that guy said to me, talking about my sister, he said, your sister's really zanny. Gone. Gone in 60 seconds. Well, I know someone who dumped somebody because when he got into bed with her he used to put his hands together as if you know when people do that diving into the water

and put his hand together and dive into bed like that actually that was to go frank what about that man who texted me and he was away i think we've been on one day. And then he texted and said, I'd like to see you when you get back. I'm in Miami. Cool beans. Cool beans? Well, my reaction, yeah. Cool beans. Oh, I never even heard that before. That's a phrase. Yeah, but what if you then found out years later that that's a delicacy in Miami?

Yeah, he was just having dinner. They don't actually really warm them up. They just... And then... These we have loved. Yeah, he could have been the one. Do you think he started that phrase with just restaurant reviews? Yeah, I think he did, yeah.

In Miami, cool beans. People went, that sounds good. I'm going to start saying that. Very, very minimalist restaurant reviews. Cool beans. Yeah. I mean, Stuttgart, hot spinach Oh man

I'm with Brandon Vesna No, no you're not I knew you would be but you're not Guess what, me too I'm with Brandon, Frank Yeah because people need to we can try all the subtlety with people

and they're still... Manners is deteriorating. So first date, even if she's hating it, she should have left if she's hating it. As you said, the cinema asked people not to text in the cinema. She's breaking every rule. She left. Every rule, not the murder one.

No, well, not yet. I was... In fact, Frank, I think it might have been when we went to see Spectre together. There was some youth texting. I don't know if you were aware, but I find it so unacceptable. Is it one of your biggest pet peeves? Yes. It's my pet hate.

It's this sort of, I'll tell you what I don't like, and that's when I hear people say, nobody tells me what to do. Yeah. And we've fought against that in the S&M community. In fact, we've really championed them being told what to do

in no uncertain terms. And once you get used to it, it's lovely. And I wish that... You know what I mean? People say, no, no, you know, I do what I like. If I want to text, what about an I, I, I, I, I? Yeah. What about others? So no, I, I, I? What about others? So now... Looking forward to brunch today, everyone.

Yeah, exactly. 946 Frank says, I want to dump someone because he got really frustrated, overly so, when we missed the tube in London. There was another one in three minutes. Nice bloke, other than the tube rage. Yeah, yeah. But that would put you off,

because I'd fast forward to... They say that's how you see into the soul of someone, is how they react. Well, she didn't want to be going out with someone who couldn't wait three minutes. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 867.

Do you remember Nicky in Berkshire, whose partner dumped someone for wearing the same jacket? Oh, yeah. She's also had a reason when she dumped someone. She says, me again, I broke up with someone because as we were walking past a skip, he said, skip to my left.

And did a little skip. Now you see, I'd have been alright with that. I feel like I might have done stuff like that on dates. That's my best stuff on a first date. I mean, if that is a sackable offence, I think we should take this opportunity to thank my wife for her long-term patience with me.

That reminds me of when I flew to Venice and the pilot said, if you look at the left, you can see Luxembourg. And I sang to my... I suppose I'd been going out with her a few months. said, if you look at the left, you can see Luxembourg. Yeah. And I sang to my... I suppose I'd been going out with her a few months. I sang Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side. Well, I think that's... I really like that.

I would have found that quite alluring. Later on in the holiday, I sang Who Let the Doge Out? That less so, but I like your work. 890, Frank. Good morning, Frank and team. I joke that when we split up my next first date Oh We'll be to an Italian restaurant where I'll choose my date's dish Spaghetti Bolognese to see how they deal with it

Oh you know that happened to me When I went back to my I talked about this recently when I got the bay leaf Oh yeah It was the ultimate test No but table manners are very important to me I know it's shallow, but I can't... If someone holds a knife like Penn, it's a major problem.

See, my thing... My thing is the... Strange intonation there. No, I liked it. I think maybe we should adopt that as a regular thing on the show. Major problem. For me, of course, it's that use in the fore, because if it's the front of a Wild West train,

which I've talked about before. Oh, yeah. You push the food onto it. I'm with 890. Honestly, I couldn't live with somebody who did that. Well, I couldn't live with someone who holds a knife like Ben. No. It's not their fault, but just don't do it.

Well, 890 continues that they hate noisy eaters, and I'm the same. If somebody was to eat like... Oh, even that has made me feel a bit sick. Well, I knew a guy in Hales, Owen, where I used to work, whose wife wore industrial ear protectors at the table,

because she couldn't stand the noise that he made when he ate. It's a different world. It's a solve, though, isn't it? What about this? I went out with a nurse, and every time I said something funny, you can imagine how often that was, she used to punch me on the shoulder and say, you're mad, you are.

Oh, no. And looking back now, in the style of Brandon Vesma, I'm thinking I could have sued her both for assault, for punching me in the shoulder, and I think rumours of my madness could almost cost you work. Oh, yeah. That's probably why I didn't get Peaky Blinders. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8 Tune in live for the full Frank experience Absolute Radio 581, Fee has texted in I was on a first date which was going well Until he spread some of his lasagna onto a bit of bread and butter And then, the final insult He loaded up the last mouthful and ate it off his knife just no

see that's those are things both of which i would have done no really lasagna sandwiches are lovely i call i call them lasagna which is nice i'm okay with that in a sort of pays on french supper way scoop up the sauce it's fineop up the sauce. It's fine. Scoop up the sauce, that's my motto. I'm slightly interested in this Guardians of the Galaxy. It's passed me by as a franchise. You're joking. You didn't catch volume one. But it's all green monsters doing silly things.

No, it sounds like... It's so you. From what I could tell, there was some sort of anthropomorphic raccoon with an automatic weapon. That'll do me. I mean, that's me hooked. So I'm going to check that out.

Have you seen it? No, I haven't. I like the way you didn't even bother asking me, because you knew what the answer would be. When I saw Guardians of the Galaxy, the name, I thought it was about the quality control department at the Mars chocolate factory. Oh. Yeah. And then it

occurred to me that Galaxy, Mars, Milky Way, Starburst, isn't there Starburst? There is. What's the connection? What's the connection between chocolate and outer space? Is it

that they're saying the taste is out of this world? Is that what they're driving at? Is it? Don't know. I'm just asking. You're saying it in a very subtle way indeed. Yeah. I once interviewed Alice Cooper.

I had a strange moment in the middle of it. I remember seeing that one time. When I experienced agapy and I felt tremendous love for him. I never know where it came from. I mean, really, I was moved. I wanted to just... um agape and i felt tremendous love for him i never know where it came from i mean really i was moved i wanted to just i don't mean a physical love i mean from one human being to another agape this morning on absolute radio yeah it was such a weird experience you know i respect you a lot frank i love the fact that you not only experienced that but you then tell people that

you experienced it i think a lot of people would just, you know, push that down. Yeah, they'd let it go. No, I think it bears examination. I think most things bear examination. Did you act on the agape? Wait, no. It would have been odd. OK.

If I'd have suddenly told him I loved him in the middle of the... And I could have honestly said that I loved him at that for a period of about a minute and a half in that. I mean, truly loved him in the middle of the and I could have honestly said that I loved him at that for a period of about a minute and a half in that. I mean truly loved him as one. It's what I imagine Heaven will be like. That's how we'll feel about each other. Anyway, so he was telling me

he went to see The Exorcist with Linda Blair. Oh that's cool. Who was in The Exorcist. Yeah. And someone behind them was talking with Linda Blair. Oh, that's cool. Who was in The Exorcist. Yeah. And someone behind them was talking and Linda Blair turned around and went, Shut up!

Absolutely terrified them. And it's like that someone's at the cinema with Alice Cooper and Alice Cooper isn't the most scary person. That's a good point, yeah. But I was once in a house party and With Noel? Well I was there, no he wasn't there. I was there with

I was three crinkly bottom. I was there with David Baddiel and because me and Dave was there, someone thought it was funny to put on three lines. Right. And then because me and Dave was there, they really really cranked it up. And it was so loud, the neighbours came round

and knocked on the door, and me and Dave went to the door. And there, they looked a little bit startled. Oh, how often do you get the chance to do something like that? 8.12.15. This is Frank Skinner absolute radio one of the um one of the many textings excuse me a second toad and the toad hall as i call it one of the many textings that we've got running today is where is wind in the willows set well toad hall in particular remember set remember chucking that one out there for them to text in?

Yes, because there's a Toad Hall estate in the British Virgin Islands. I can't believe that it was set out there. So English. We've had an email. We've had an email which I like because there's an abbreviation. It says Wind in the Willows setting, but then the email begins W-I-T-W.

Wind in the Willows. It's good that, isn the Willows I get it It's good PR for rats Rats get quite a bad sort of press generally He was quite a sympathetic character I seem to recall in Toad of Total Wind in the Willows

not Toad of Total WITW is set at Cookham Dean on the River Thames I played the role of Toad 75 times for Jake's Ladder Theatre Company in 2002. That's not me speaking. No, that's lovely. That's Steve.

OK. One wonders... Oh, now I've got it. Yeah, he's catching it. He's frogging the frog. One wonders if he's Toad-like in appearance, Steve. I mean, how do you get that job? He could just be a character actor.

He could be like, um... Yeah. What's his name? What's his name? Eric, former Labour MP, Eric Heffer. That's who you really want as toad. Got that sort of amphibian hook about him. We were talking about sort of first date deal breakers,

that kind of thing. 775, morning all, on my first date with my now partner, he told me he was a qualified radiographer. This turned out to be a lie. He was in his final year of studying to be a radiographer. I still pull him up on that. What I failed to tell him was I didn't know what a radiographer was. I had to look it up when I got home.

Love the show, Lucy. It's good, though, that it wasn't a deal-breaker. Yeah, but your current honesty speaks well of you well I went out on a first date once I think we went to Belgoes oh that must have been the 90s yeah probably

and it was the 90s actually and the waiter came out young bloke and said, well, Frank Skinner, how you doing? I said, all right. So I'm with this lovely woman. I thought you were going to say sauce or something.

With this sauce. He said, I'm a performer myself. And I said, yeah, OK. I was working on my material to impress this lady. And he said, yeah, I'm an actor, but I write stuff as well. I said, okay, great. Anyway, so we'd like to order. And he went, sure, what are you going for?

And did like a sort of Humphrey Bogart thing. And then when he came out to bring the starters, I was at drinks first. He said, well, now, and here's the drink. And then when he came out to bring the starters, I said, drinks first. He said, well, no, and here's the drink, and I'm bringing the drinks, fine. And he did every course he did with a different voice. And when he brought us the final, the dessert,

I saw him leaving. He put a coat on, he left. I thought, thank goodness for that. Anyway, he came back with a doggy and manuscript, and it was a script that he'd written, which he gave to us. And the whole thing was a pitch. It was a first date. Oh, my goodness.

Come on, he can't do that. Oh. Yeah, but it gave you something to talk about with the date, should the conversation have dried up, which you so often can on these first encounters. Oh, how dare you. No, it was a lovely first date apart from apart from that as i recall okay anyway now i've got a question i want to ask you this week at the baftas yeah um and i think it'd be nice to have one conversation about the

baftas this week this didn't involve cleavage. Let's actually talk about what the awards were for. Guys, I mean, come on! And, um, the best miniseries was National Treasure. Which I was in, if you remember.

Of course you were. As himself. Yes. You should have got up on stage, Frank. No, well, it did occur to me. Can I now legitimately, can I call myself BAFTA award-winning actor Frank Skinner? Well, I think we know you will. That's a good question. I think you are.

Could you say BAFTA award-winning actor when it's as himself? No acting required. Al, let me just say, if it had been Best Director or Best Performance, etc., etc., but it was the overall drama got it, I think that's okay. Because everything I see now, when people are introduced,

whatever the programme is, they always say, award-winning chef, award-winning food writer, award-winning, whatever it is, they've always won an award. I mean, every chip shop you go in now has got a certificate to say it's won an award. And I don't think there's a people in the whole of Britain

who produce homemade pork pies who haven't won an award for them. But, Frank, that does mean that first-round X Factor contestant can say award-winning if it's won an audience award once. I'm just saying. Oh, yeah. But does that an award? No, if X Factor has won something. If they take part in the show and X Factor has won an award.

Do you see what I'm saying? Oh, I see. So by participation you can't take all the glory. Oh, thank you. I'm really sorry. I've rained on your chips. I think you have a little bit, yeah. Still.

Interesting metaphor. I'll try anything. Yeah. Prefer vinegar. Okay, so I'm not a BAFTA award winning actor. Oh, but you are to me, Frank. Okay. Well, look.

You're very accomplished in other areas. Very accomplished in other areas. I don't know in other areas. You won't give me the acting thing because you went to drama school. Anyway, thank you for listening. Coming up next is Sarah Champion. Champion!

Champion! Sorry. And I haven't sung that for a few years. And then it was the championship, not obviously the... But even so so it was a lovely day out qpr um thanks so much for um listening this morning and um god bless you all um bring on the feathers you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

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