The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show – Crime Jazz

Episode Date: November 2, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank’s been to another Anglo-Saxon attraction and has a warning about leather cowboy hats. The team also discuss Christmas dinner etiquette, Tebay services and a star-studded Halloween party.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, Frank. Morning. Morning. I noticed my voice has gone slightly. Do you ever listen to

Poetry Please on Radio 4? Oh not often. Is that Roger McGough? Yes I went slightly Roger McGough and just a little bit too gentle maybe for broadcasting but suggesting we're gentle people who can talk about gentle things.

Yeah. Okay, welcome. Poetry please on Absolute Radio. Poetry comma please. Oh yeah, very important. Very important bit of punctuation. What's up? Well we're getting a lot of rugby

people getting in touch. Oh yes, well we should say yes to England are playing in the rugby today. I don't think any of us have any interest in rugby at all but we like England No because I don't wear chinos That's what we like Generally we like winning stuff

so we're still back in the 100 Really nationalistic and competitive aren't we I know but can they stop wearing those sunglasses, the rugby fans, that they wear on the ski holidays? Oh, what do they wear? They sound quite practical, though. Yes, this is what worries me about them.

They are in Japan as well. They're the sort of glasses that Princess Anne wears. Does that give you an idea? Oh, OK, yeah. What, cool? They sound cool. Frank, we've had Alan Turley has been in touch. That give you an idea? Oh, okay, yeah. Okay. What, cool. They sound cool. Frank, we've had Alan Turley has been in touch.

Oh, yeah. Not Turing. He says, good morning, Frank, Alan, Emily. Longtime reader, first time contributor. This is to do with Frank's tour. He's getting in touch. Frank is on tour at the moment. I highly recommend it. Frank is currently on tour.

Currently on tour. He's been everywhere. He on tour a lot of messages appreciating it a special run of london dates coming to the garrick in january yes yes nevertheless nevertheless uh i had the opportunity of seeing frank at wolverhampton on tuesday and will retain praise as per the norm. Okay. Hang on. We don't... You can praise us. No, no.

But we won't read it out. Oh, I see, yes. Okay. I just wanted to pick up on something Frank said the other week with regards to his start time. My wife Emma and I waited with keen anticipation after the warm-up act.

Pierre, who was excellent, by the way. Okay, I'll pass that on. He doesn't fall under the praise rule. No, he's South African as well. If South Africa win today, he'll be very boastful, I suspect. And I confidently informed her you would be on stage at exactly 8.47pm, as I heard you mention this. OK.

Imagine my surprise when at 8.33... Hold on. Just give me a moment to imagine his surprise. OK. I think I've got it. You've got it? Yeah. Frank wandered on.

I don't like wandered on, like you were confused. No, I think I stride on like a colossus. Well, quiet. And provided an hour and a half. Best regards, Alan Turley. Over to you, FS. Well, am I allowed to hazard a guess? Go on.

I think the 8.47 start time that you said that you go on may have been a guesstimate from a different start time venue. You are correct. Is that what we've got here? Do you know, I love it when the comics understand each other. Yeah, yeah. I've never worked this out, but some venues,

very, very keen to start this show, I mean, with a support act, start at 7.30 and some at 8, and they base it on their local clientele and all sorts of theories about people getting home from work and whether they go straight from work or whether they

go out for a bit of dinner. Is that what they call it? Yeah. But that one I believe was a 7.45 start which is eccentric. Unusual. But it was at a sports centre. Oh, was it? Yeah. It was at a big

sports centre, which I'd never been to before. How was it? It got like a big... The dressing room was a board room, so we just sat at this enormous table. Is it true you did the show in like an ankle-length Arsene Wenger padded jacket type thing? I did.

It was cold. God, it was cold in there. Well, I might need Daddy Wolverhampton because obviously I'm seen as something as an intruder because of being a West Brom fan. Can I say I love the idea of the Arsene Wenger black tie ball gown. I think I might go for that. Black tie ball gown?

Yeah, to go for a black tie event. Oh, yeah. To go for that as a ball gown gown? Yeah, to go for a black tie event. Oh, yeah. To go for that as a ball gown now, maybe off the shoulder. With just two padded areas off the shoulder. You need a plastic

bottle of water as well. I think famously... And a zip issue. I think Alex Ferguson, you know, they always, they have a drink after the game often,

managers, a sort of a, you know, no hard feelings drink after the game. Yes. And Arsene Wenger never had a drink with managers after the game, apparently. When they asked him why, he said,

well, I drink during the game, so I'm not really thirsty. Oh, he didn't understand. Well, he says he didn't. Sacre bleu. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have a question, Frank. How important is the start time to your show? Like, do you think it could be disregarded somewhat

and you still get away with it? I'll tell you what, I'm leading the witness a little bit. OK. I've got an anecdote. Oh, hold on. No, it's not an anecdote. I'm just going to make myself comfortable in my chair

it's not an anecdote really put the car on Frank I'm wondering if I am a diva and I'm somewhat overreacting to something last week

I did a gig Sunday night in Zurich of all places lovely anyway lovely place I'd done the

I'd done the same show the night before but in Basel, different place, and then the following night's in Zurich, and it started at 7, Zurich time, and I was on last. And so I thought, at the start of the interval, OK, I'm on next, so I begin my pacing around

like I'm going to do a gig. And then somebody came upstairs and said, Shane, the promoter, who's a nice bloke, shout out to Shane, they said, Shane says the promoter, who's a nice bloke, shout out to Shane. They said, Shane says you'll be on at quarter past nine. So I looked at my watch and it's half past eight. And I said, oh, OK, is there somebody else on now? Thinking it's a different lineup from the night before.

And he said, I don't know. He said quarter past nine. I said, are you sure you don't mean quarter to nine, like in 15 minutes after this interval? And he goes, I'll go and check. So he goes downstairs and he says to Shane, and then he comes back up and he said, and he was a Swiss bloke, so I feel a bit like I'm punishing somebody for not speaking English perhaps as well as they might.

So I felt like I was being a bit of a diva, even asking this. And he said, definitely quarter past. So Shane goes on and I kind of go back down a level in getting ready for my gig. You were on your trajectory? Yeah, yeah, so I changed my trajectory. You were on your ramp.

I cool my jets, cool my comedy jets. Oh, wow. What a moment. And then I watch Shane, and he goes on, and he does his ten minutes, and then he said, right then, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for your headline act. Please welcome Alan Cochran. I sprint down the stairs.

Oh, man. So you have no... And I have to sort of barrel my way through and it turns out he meant quarter to. And it was lost in translation on the stairs. Oh, Shane. But I feel like... Oh, you've got to be proud.

I feel like a diva for thinking, oh, that didn't help. No, I would have... When I look back on it, I think... Oh, man, I would have been an absolute nightmare. My first ten minutes would have been slagging off the Swiss flag. I'm just imagining what you would have said to this. I just didn't mention it. I'll tell you exactly what Frank would have said. He would have made a reference.

How he would have arrived at it, he would have been funny, but there would have been a reference, how he would have arrived at it, he would have been funny, but there would have been a reference to clocks and Switzerland. Yes, I would have started off with the whole thing that they met. Precision timepieces. I'd have got a little history of that as if I was praising them.

I'd say, nevertheless. Never even thought about it. Nevertheless, Hans. Hans came and didn't know the difference between quarter two and quarter past. Well, worse than that, a man came upstairs afterwards and he said, I very much enjoyed your show.

You kept us thinking the whole time. Wow. And then you went away, but without using the word funny or funniness. And I thought... Did you say, I'm not Descartes mate? No because I think I am Don't

text in and say it's Descartes because the reason Emily said that is because once Alan said Descartes and we pull him up on it now and again so I'm just saving you your 50 pences because I know these are hard times. Austerity, et cetera, et cetera.

Phew. Guess what I've been up to this week? Touring. Yes, but while I'm touring, I'm constantly topping up my Anglo-Saxon visit list. This is becoming a weekly habit. I know, it's great. I love it. You know what I love?

It's your Angry Birds, isn't it? What does that mean? Or your Candy Crush. You know the games they play on the phone? Yes. Anglo-Saxon visits is your Candy Crush. It is, yeah. If only I could do it as often as people do candy crush.

And as I think I may have explained before, the PA in my support act has a degree in Anglo-Saxon history, coincidentally. So he's quite handy as a reference. Yeah. PAcopedia. Where did you go this week then? This week...

On Anglo-Saxon matters. This week on Anglo-Saxon visits. Well anglo-saxon visits well we'll be letting you know where we went after this frank we've had a missive by the medium of twitter oh yes from nick gray okay he says the following'm reading Frank's book, albeit a second-hand copy, hashtag austerity. Yeah. Imagine my surprise at turning the page to find this. Shall I explain what this is?

Yes, you might have to. It's a passage which begins thus. The funniest bit in The God Delusion is when Dorco says that on two different occasions he sat and listened whilst his wife read the whole book aloud to him. Yes. In Nick Gray's second-hand copy of the book, someone has crossed out Dorco

and written in biro Richard Dawkins. Nick Gray says, I like to think this was at Richard Dawkins himself, taking exception to the over-familiarity. Hashtag Dorco. Wow. Or maybe it was someone who was reading out that passage as part of a, maybe they were auditioning for rada it's a strange audition you know an extra who was auditioning adrian child my uh my original

book the autobiography which i think that's from the second yes this is from book two um i was used um in a um o-levellevel GCSE mock exam comprehension test. So they used the passage from me. And then it had questions like, how does Frank Skinner create a sense of excitement in the... You know, all those questions you used to get at school. Marvellous. Oh, I love that.

How does Frank Skinner create tension? Kath puts her hand up. Yeah, exactly. People are queuing up to answer that one now. Anyway, so where did I go? I went, I'm going to tell you the former name of this place to really give it its form. It's called Beads World.

And the venerable bead, you know. Were you obsessed by the venerable bead? This is like your Justin Bieber. But it's a theme park based on the venerable bead. This is like your Justin Bieber. But it's a theme park based on the venerable bead. What is it, Al the bead? I don't really quite... Al? We've talked about it before, but I can't remember.

We've talked about it eight times and I don't understand it. Well, bead was a monk. You're going to say the same thing. Yeah, who lived in Jarrow and wrote books. Basically, that's a fair summary of it. Okay. What's the secret of Bede's appeal for you? Well, he wrote a book,

an ecclesiastical history of England, without which we'd know almost nothing about Anglo-Saxon history. That's a bit hard on the archaeologists. What about the ecclesiastical, Al. Hashtag Dorco. Yeah, exactly. But this is a theme park based on Bede, the Venerable Bede.

Come on. That is something, isn't it? So what are the... They've changed it to Jarrow Hall now, but it was originally known as Bede's World. I think they thought it was a bit populist. Can I say the Venerable Bede? I'll be the judge of that. Well, that's how he's always known. think they thought it was a bit populist. Couldn't I say the venerable bead? I'll be the judge of that.

Well, that's how he's always known. In fact, there was a bit, because they've got rare breed animals claiming that they were animals that were around in Anglo-Saxon. Yeah. They got those, and they got buildings, and they got bead.

And I said you could play animal venerable mineral. It's a joke that you can't use every day of the week, I must say. But they have got a cast of... Actually, it's got... They've got bead skull. Oh, have they? And someone did a cast of it. And it says beads, venerable beads, skull cast,

which sounds like a fabulous gothic podcast. You could listen to. That should be the name of a podcast. I'm going to do a podcast called Venerable Beads Skullcast. Are there any skullcasts? I mean, do they exist? Just a quick question. How busy was it at Beads World?

Well, we got there quite late. We only got the last hour. Right. But a school party was arriving just as we left, and it was a Sunday, so why it was a school party, I don't know. I still liked it, you know. And what did Pierre make of it? He has to like it, doesn't he?

No, no, he does. Where a bad post goes to bed, all his friends go to bed. Yeah. I can't comment on that. But he said he liked it. And I said, OK, you can do the rest of the tour. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Remember our texting this morning?

What was the picture on the last jigsaw you completed? 8, 12, 15. Good question. Al? Well, I can't remember, but it would be aimed at infants, so really easy. It's probably like a 12-piecer. OK. Still satisfying, though. Yeah, yeah. Still satisfying. Oh, yeah, I've done a few else. It's an easy. It's probably like a 12-piecer. Oh, OK. Yeah. It's still satisfying, though.

Yeah, yeah. Still satisfying. Oh, yeah, I've done a few Els. It's an easy win. I've done a few Elsers and Olaks. Oh, yes. In my time. Definitely.

The Lego completion is the one I love. I do one every year. Oh, yeah. A big Lego. I spend Christmas with the Rosses, who are friends of mine, and we have a tradition of the Lego assembly. Nice. It's quite calming. I think it's what they do in...

The Rosses, you may remember, are the family who I think stitched the original American flag. She's very friendly with them. They're getting on now. They're very independent. Obviously. I was at the Theatre Royal Newcastle

this week. How was it? Theatre Royal Newcastle this week. How was it? You've been getting about. Yeah, and backstage, backstage in the green room, there was an enormous pile of jigsaws, which says a lot about theatrical life, doesn't it? That's nice. Yeah.

But I always think if you enter into any jigsaw where the box has already been opened, you know, the cellophane is no longer on, it's a tremendous leap of faith. Yes. Isn't it? Yeah. I think because just the idea of putting in all that effort

and then all the pieces aren't there. Yeah. I find it's the same with new relationships. It's a huge leap of faith. Yeah, other people have put the picture together and bits have gone missing over the years and then you have to work around that. So what's your method?

Do you do all the straight edge first? I thought the general wisdom was to start with the corners, wasn't it? Can I interject at this point? Thanks. Oh, is that tiling? Hang on, I'm not sure. Al, I once had a heated, very heated dispute with a friend. So somebody just got edited? Yeah, that was a clunky old Eddie. Could you hear the control or delete going on

in my head? I kind of wonder who that was. Carry on. And she, no, she it's because she's more of a friend of a friend. No, it's fine, it's fine. I'll tell you in break. And she was very cross with me.

I'd say it was quite a savage disagreement, which is why she got the edit, because she had a system of putting them into piles according to tone and colour. Oh. I don't... Thank you. Thank you, gentlemen. Hmm.

I don't favour that approach. I go by shape, she goes by colour. We're all God's children. Yeah. She was livid with me. She shouted at me. She said, what are you doing

doing it that way? You see, that's why they're not made to be done by committee, I think, jigsaws. I think you need to just do them. I like to do the complete frame first.

Do you not sort them in? She said, you're not sorting them in piles according to Colin. She said your approach to doing these jigsaw is really stressing me out. No, no. My first thing, get all the straight edge first. Yeah, get all the straights in one place.

Yeah, it's, yes. And, yeah, it's the sort of flip side of pride. But, yeah, but it's, I think the last one I did was Apollo 11 themed. Wow. Oh, lovely. But I'm glad he hasn't died out. Have you done a Doctor Who jigsaw? Oh, God, have I?

I've done many, many a one over the years. I'll do a jigsaw with you. Yeah, but would we squabble? It's a slow effort. I really think he's trying to get out of it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, no, I'm not saying no. Did I say no?

Okay. No. We're squabbling already. Pardon? I've just said we're squabbling already. Oh, okay. I'm glad you said so. I'm terrified now.

I misheard you. It's okay. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. We've had some...ives in from the outside world. 527 has answered your question. Hi, Frank, Alan, lovely Emily. Last jigsaw I finished was of the city ground, Nottingham Forest.

Oh, lovely. I glued it and framed it and it fell apart just like our season. That's Derek from rugby you see very popular now are the personalised jigsaws, the bespoke ones I've had one done of me snappy snaps thing isn't it is that what happens?

you've had one done of you I was part of a sort of tableau of a friend's birthday gift with various people in their lives. And I was one of those people. But it's quite nice doing a jigsaw of yourself.

Have you ever done one, Frank? There must have been hundreds of you. I've never done a jigsaw. You and David with a football. Somebody sent me a white jigsaw, you know, completely white. Right. It's supposed to be like the ultimate test I didn't bother with it I just seem ridiculous

There you go, we're all different Yeah You could do it at Christmas If it doesn't snow you'd be having a white Christmas, brackets, jigsaw, close brackets We have another in our series People you shouldn't talk to, this is number 17.

Oh, yeah. Men who wear leather cowboy hats. Oh, yeah. Fair enough. I think they mean those ones with the leather stitching. Yeah. I think they mean, obviously. It's me.

I've got to be honest. I think men in cowboy boots, I struggle. Well, that's a different, that's a sort of, what's the Hammond guy called? Oh, Richard Hammond. Yeah. Is he a cowboy boot man? I think he's very much a cowboy. I know what you mean, that's a certain type.

But I think the cowboy, the leather cowboy hat. It's a different tribe. You're actually talking, I mean, physical danger from those men. Whereas, I mean, the men in cowboy boots are just a bit, you know, they might, there's a danger they could turn up, you could say, come round to my house, and they'd turn up with an acoustic guitar. These are the guys I'm worried about.

But if they turn up in a leather cowboy hat, just don't let them in. I think leather cowboy hat, just don't let them in. I think leather cowboy hats, that's why we have those video doorbell things. That's the specific... Are they essentially... Are they next to the phrase currently helping police with their inquiries? I think they are.

It's like people in multiple badges. You just... I'm not saying they shouldn't be allowed out but just give them a bit of space This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Text the show on 8 12 15 Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute at frank on the radio or email the show via the absolute radio website frank we've had a lot of people getting in touch this morning about your shows okay um 418 for example dearest frank cockrell and divine miss m i like that

dearest it's a bit like we're a sort of regency family. I still use Dear on emails and stuff. It's something that's very fair to me. Do you cock roll? Yeah, sometimes. And I've noticed that I begin it with Dear, but then by the end of the email I become quite modern and I just don't even put Alan at the end sometimes. Do you ever do a hey? No, no.

I'm not a member of the cast of Glee. No, I don't do that. I'm okay with yo as well. I sometimes put yo in an email. Oh, you do? Yeah. Do you sign off with a best or an all best? Or a George best?

I often just put something like soon. Yes, you do. And then put F. I like to put F, just an F. That's the worst thing when you send it and you realise you've put a C instead of a kiss. Okay, I'm glad you've raised this. I've got something to tell you

as a friend who loves you very dearly. Oh God, I feel tense. I'm getting a lot of Cs from you. Are you? I would say every other text is a C. Really? And I'm really glad it's come up. No, I'm sorry about that.

I don't know what it is. I mean, let's just check me, QWERTY. Here they are. Did you hear what Al said? What was that, sorry? Oh, he slipped through a bit of shade, Frank. Oh, yeah, what was it? Do you care to repeat it in front of the whole class, Alan?

Not really. I said maybe it's time for a phone with big buttons. Yeah. You flipped through a bit of shade, Frank. Oh, yeah, what was it? Do you care to repeat it in front of the whole class, Alan? Not really. I said maybe it's time for a phone with big buttons. Yeah. You were suggesting you needed what I call the Roger Moore phone. Well, maybe you're right. I see they are bedfellows, X and C, when I consult my QWERTY. Oh, yeah.

True. Anyway, I do apologise. I was right mid-message from 418, wasn't I? Ah, yes. I had the absolute pleasure of seeing Mr Frank using your... Basil brush. Yes, in Newcastle. And I wondered if Big Daddy was responsible for the interval and pre-show music, a sort of big band jazz 60s cop show feel.

Yes, I was. I ask because the James Bond theme played no less than four times. Did it really? Is Frank plotting revenge on that cleaner thief, Daniel Craig, with a plan to play Jimmy Bond himself? Perkins to Bond could happen. That's from Claire. Thank you, Claire. Thank you, Claire, yes. It's from an album

called, I think, Crime Jazz. Which is, it's got stuff like the Untouchables theme and stuff like that on it. But I didn't, God, I didn't know. Crime Jazz, two words a lot of people dislike. Yeah, exactly. like that on it. But I didn't... Crime jazz. Crime jazz. Two words a lot of people dislike.

Yeah, exactly. I'm against that. Some people prefer crime, generally speaking. But crime jazz is a combo. It gives you things like the sort of Ironside theme. It's the only way I can take my jazz, through a filter of crime.

I'll join you on, oh, it's not Perry something. Who's that? Perry Mason. Oh, that's the theme. When I was younger, I just thought, this is the most sexy grown-up music I've ever heard. Are you familiar with the theme? Yeah, how does it go?

There's a big sort of sax or trumpet. I'm too ashamed to sing it. Oh, go on. Do, do, do, do. It's something like that. Do you not know it? It's quite dramatic, swoopy. What is it, Indian? No way. We're talking about when someone does a

foreign accent and everyone says, what is he, Wells? It's our, Why do we hate it again? We just think it's a bit first thought. I don't think we have to give reasons for everything we hate. We don't, actually. Sometimes I think you can just hate

stuff. Like crime and jazz, Al. Danger, danger. Leather cowboy hat. Who has worn a leather cowboy hat in your life? Someone recently. A few dangerous people. Can I say there are exceptions to every rule?

I'm sure if you're listening and you're actually in a leather cowboy hat, come away from that person's window and go home. That's my argument. But I'm sure there are nice people that wear them as well. Four. I think there's four in Britain, I think I read. Yeah. Somewhere.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. I don't know if you've noticed that. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Am I wrong there? It feels like this week, I don't like to boast that I've got my finger on the pulse, that I'm all zeitgeisty, but it feels like this week, people have started to discuss their Christmas plans and who's going where and

what's happening. I suppose there is a bit of that. I find I'm in that sort of decompression chamber between Halloween and Let's Burn a Catholic Night. It's a difficult time of year. Your least favourite night of the

social calendar. It's mine too now. Is it? Since Frank explained the underlying anti-Catholic No, can you guess why I don't like November the 5th now? Because you've got a dog. Dog owners and Catholics come together for the night in our joint hatred. I might

go over to Frank's for the night. Well, I don't feel like we've quite hit the peak silliness where we get the articles about the attack upon Christmas, you know, Winter Festival, all that stuff. That will be coming in a few weeks. That will be coming, yeah. But we are starting to get articles about Christmas dinners,

which, I mean, I love this sort of stuff. But that's fair enough, I think, because I like to have my first Christmas dinner still in November. Oh, huge. Because if I go to any place now and they've got Christmas dinner available, I go in immediately. I remember about this time last year getting very jealous of how many Christmas dinners

you managed to chalk up. Yeah, and I'm travelling around now, so I've got a chance to sort them out. Will you have your... Sorry, Al. The more common man, Alan Cochran, I'll just be settling for the Gregg's Christmas pasty or something like that while Frank's eating the full works. Oh, dear.

I'll tell you something I love about the whole Christmas dinner as well. When I moved from the West Midlands to London, I had a lot of confusion and some criticism that I called that meal that you have about one o'clock in the afternoon dinner. Oh, yeah. We didn't have a concept of lunch. And I always called that dinner. And then the evening meal would be about five o'clock would be tea.

And then there'd be another meal called supper later on but dinner i still find myself saying dinner for what most people down here call lunch yeah but with christmas dinner people seem to have come over to my way of thinking and people say christmas dinner even though it's a well it is christmas day it's a one day armistice. And we come to your side. Frank's an influencer. How long before people will be saying in London, will be saying your quarter now takes a day time.

Not long. Look forward to that special armistice. What we do now, also I do as an added, just to throw in a little bonus Boxing Day, I say Albiniar Day, I say albignar. Oh, God. Can I say... Albignar, sorry.

When you say an armistice, I think... Yes. Let me just... Let's just rewind. I woke up the other morning. Yes. And I woke up and my... You know, I have this thing that if I have to think of something,

I won't Google it. I woke up thinking, what is that thing that they have at libraries when you're allowed to take your books back and you don't? Amnesty. Yes. It took me 20 minutes to think of it.

Yes. And all I could think of was, what is this thing that joins together weapons and library books yes because they have an amnesty for like knives and guns and library books those seem to be the things which is very weird yeah but um when i got that when i got that it was um it was a joyous moment when i got and the fact that they that the rest of southern England comes over to say dinner on Christmas,

is that armistice? I would say armistice because I would say it's like the Christmas Day armistice. It's like when they played football. That's what I was referring to. Do you see? I love it. I love it.

Okay. It's a bit late history for Frank Pallett but he'll still it is it is a bit late but it's football so I've gone with it on The Apprentice

this week they didn't know when the second world war but the second world war but they didn't know when the second world war was which I was a bit shocked they said

how long was it was it four or five years I don't know did they say something like I'm only you know I'm only 32 something along those no what they said was well I don't know. Did they say something like, I'm only 32? Something along those lines. No, what they said was, well, I don't know,

think of when your parents were young. Maybe, I mean, their parents would be, what, in their 50s? Yeah. For goodness sake. It's weird that Lord, what's his name, Lord Sugar, said you can't Google it. I've been listening to Frank Skinner. You've just got to remember it.

Yeah. I thought you were going to say Lord Kitchener for a minute. That'd be it. Wouldn't that be a good name for a TV chef? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Over to you, Al. We were discussing Christmas dinner. All the weather outside is... I'm just setting the tone. There's been an article saying that there's a Christmas dinner and... All the weather outside is... I'm just setting the tone.

There's been an article saying that a Christmas dinner guide has sparked fury online. Fury? I didn't know there was any fury online. That's a constant surprise to me when these stories come up. That's a bit of Billy brewing. Apparently... Not fury, the rip-off series of Champion the Wonder Horse

about a horse called Fury. You see, I went Billy. Yeah, you know when they go a bit... When a show is a big hit and someone else thinks, well, just make the same show, it'll be fine. We did a discussion on this a couple of weeks ago and a lot of really good programmes started as spin-offs, didn't they? Oh, yeah.

Frasier, Mork and Mindy. But spin-off is all right, but a rip-off and a spinoff are different things. I liked Fury, don't get me wrong, if he's listening. I doubt that. No. Yay. I was interested in this article because they're saying that people are very upset because there was only one large or two small roast potatoes

put on the plate. One roast potato each. This is supposed to be the... I mean, who do they think they're kidding? This is the perfect formula, isn't it, is the idea. It's in the BBC's Good Food magazine. Imagine that that exists. Unbelievable.

And, yeah, this is how to do the perfect Christmas dinner. Yeah, and I think it's one rose. If they're tiny, you can have two. Four to six sprouts per person if they're sprout lovers, exclamation mark. Well, presumably, yeah, if they really like them because you don't give six sprouts to somebody that hates sprouts. Interesting that they've avoided the odd numbers with sprouts. I wonder if that's some old piece of folklore.

Right, if you have three... Odd number of sprouts, you'll have your doubts, I think, is the saying. Do you... They have a little cross in the sprouts, traditionally. Yeah, I do that. My mother used to do that. What's that about? What's all that about? What's all that about? I think it's the same.

For me, it was the same thing as the donkey's back. Oh, yeah. I think it's some... You know the donkey's back? A donkey's back's got a cross on it, theoretically, because Jesus rode a donkey into Jerusalem.

Oh, right. I don't, I don't, I don't. It's a cruciferous vegetable that's not that no this is what a donkey yeah no definitely not but I don't know why you caught a I do it with chestnuts as well do you I put chestnuts in the oven I cut across on the top so don't explode little tip there on absolute radio ladies gentlemen I mean I mean, you always... Sorry, Al.

You're often cooking chestnuts at home. I didn't know you cooked very often. Can I give you a chestnut tip, Chas? But I love a chestnut. Well, nice tip for you. Frank, you've previously suggested the walnut as an ideal Christmas dinner for the doll's house. Yeah.

I believe on this show. Lovely chicken. Can I add to this, for the dolls, if you're playing doctors with the dolls, a doll's brain, the chestnut interior. Yes, good call. OK. It comes up less, I think, in the doll play,

the exposed brain. But I'm not saying it doesn't come up at all. Speak for your own family. Yeah, I think in the Barbie lobotomy set, I think there's one, but that was Klaus Barbie. It was a whole different range of toys. Oh, no.

Also, one parsnip each. Yes. Not bothered. Loads of them. Loads of parsnips. You know, my dad... I love more than one. Every time parsnips either appeared in person or referred to, my dad, you know how dads always say a certain thing

when something comes up? He always said, very good for your water. I have no idea to this day. What does it mean? I think he might have meant they were diuretic of some sort. Very good for your water. Parsnips. I think that's what he means.

What worries me is I think I might have said it to people. Oh, yeah. Even though I know it's almost certainly erroneous, I've just gone into, you know, apparently, very good for your water and just leave it like that, you know,

because I like to be a bit enigmatic. Also, I'm sorry, Frank, I'd like to know, I'd be interested to know what our readers think because I think they said 100 milliliters of gravy is it cough mixture i don't know what that means be a bit generous what does it mean it's now not much they also went for the york one yorkshire pudding now some suggest there is a huge controversy over this because some say the yorkshire pudding

is a beef based accompaniment and this is incorrect. You should not have it with Christmas dinner. Well this is, let me come because today's producer Faye is looking at me anxiously but I'd like to discuss all of these

because I think they're important things. I think the Yorkshire pudding turkey thing is a particular... something that we need to sort out. Not just for us, but on behalf of the nation. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. We've had some Sprout news from Judy in West Norfolk. Judy, Judy, Judy, you know I love you. She says, cutting across in the base of sprouts, which Frank and I, if anyone has just joined us, were saying both our families... Did your mum do that, Frank? She did.

Yes. Used to be necessary. She then boiled them for about two and a half hours, I would say. Oh, OK. Because sprouts were large and tough and it was to help them cook evenly. It's no longer necessary because today's sprouts are small and sweet.

I've been wasting... It's one of the few things I contribute to Christmas dinner is cutting the squares in the necessary... No, you had that row once. Bad news. Well, I know, I've done that a few times. Also, I don't like the sprouts to be cooked in that way.

Like round spheres. Oh, you like them sliced here? We whiz them and do them in a Jamie Oliver way. What does that mean? Chopped? Yeah, like sort of shredded sprouts, as it were. Shut up. Wow. Do them in the

wok with some... I think it's... The wok? The wok. You've changed. I think it's butter... Woks on Christmas Day, for heaven's sake. Worcester sauce and what's the one that grows in the garden?

Kale? Leeks? Rosemary. Rosemary. Sorry, can I just say the most middle-class thing I've ever said? Kale? Can I say... I thought what's the one that grows in the garden was pretty close.

What's the one that grows in the garden is the worst clue to naming a vegetable I've ever heard in my life. Hang on, the walk on Christmas Day is interesting, Frank. It is. I didn't think anyone had to walk on Christmas Day. Emergency services. I think even Bob Cratchit gets a day off on Christmas Day. Frank, stop it.

But be sure you're coming earlier on Christmas. I met him Scottish. I've gone for a McScrooge, the duck, in the Donald Duck cartoon. You see, so it's sort of, it's got a slight Chinese flavour. No. Okay, calm down, dear. You just use it as a receptacle. Yeah, it's just a big frying pan, really, calm down, dear. You just use it as a receptacle. Yeah, it's just a big frying pan, really, isn't it?

If you think about it. Oh, I don't think you can shoot down 2,000 years of Chinese history like that. And I haven't proved the wok. I love it. Well, you've proved that. Christmas wok. I don't know what to say. What about, this is the thing that really upset me once,

when I heard that in Portugal, you know, obviously they have different traditions around the world. We should say it's only here that we eat the turkey. I know in Germany it's goose, isn't it, I think. I don't know. We had to cook goose once because we had a German friend and Rach and I cried anyway. Oh, I'd have thought that you were making some sort of snidey remark

about goose steps. Yeah. Definitely not. It is a German tradition. It's a minefield. You can't about goose steps. No. Yeah. Definitely not. It is a German tradition. It's a minefield. You can't say minefield. No, you can't say minefield. Neither of you can say anything, leave it to me.

Okay. In Portugal, this made me so ill when I heard it. I don't know if this is true. Any Portuguese readers do get in touch. I heard that they celebrate Christmas Eve, I think, quite prominently. Like a lot of, I think Germany does as well. Oh, yeah. But they have a tradition of, I think it's boiled salted cod on Christmas Eve

with boiled onions and boiled eggs. That is their Christmas feast. I feel absolutely sick. Imagine what that house smells like Christmas morning. It's disgusting. I'll bring my own packed lunch if any Portuguese friends are inviting me. Do you like that meal? That sounds all right to me.

Salted boiled cod. Salted... Boiled onions for Christmas dinner. That's it, you can steal it. You can steam in a nice facelift pre-Christmas. Onion facelift. There's such a thing as an onion facelift pre-Christmas just off your plate. Onion facelift. Yeah. Is there such a thing

as an onion facelift? There should be. No, I wouldn't mind trying that. Shall we have it next week? Have it next week. Also, coming up in shock news

there's another WOC user on Christmas Day. I tell you that Brexit's coming just in time. Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I think Brexit's coming just in time. I've been vindicated, by the way. 245 has texted Alan.

I also shred and wok the sprouts, but I fry them with garlic, bit of red chilli and finish with almonds. I struggle to say that. Almonds? Almonds. Almonds, yeah. And then he says, crack on, lad.

The Jamie Oliver recipe, I think it's called Brussels with Hustle or something. Recommended. Okay. It's like a civic duty doing this show. Anyway, what I was getting at is this thing that people say, you can't have Yorkshire pudding with turkey because Yorkshire pudding lives with beef. Yes.

And this is an interesting, to me, a very interesting point. And I'll tell you for why. Yeah. I really like mint sauce. Oh, yeah. So obviously when I have lamb, I have mint sauce. But I'll also put mint sauce on beef, pork, whatever. I love mint.

What is it? It's the tangy pecan. I love the fact you don't care about these rules. No, but I'll tell you what it is. There's a certain thing in roast dinners, and it's Yorkshire pudding and beef. It's beef and horseradish. Yes.

It's pork and apples. There is a monogamy that you don't find in the modern world anywhere else. There's more loyalty. Certainly not in relationships. You're a bit more polyamorous about the condiments, I think. That's what I need, a nice bit of beef. There are married couples that don't have the strict loyalty code that pork and apple sauce, for example, observe.

I mean, where did, how did we arrive at that? That's what you need. People say I'm looking for my lobster. What they need to say, or my penguin, they need to say I'm looking for my apple sauce. It means the other half, lobsters mate for life and so do penguins. Oh, I see.

I never knew that. Yeah, but who wants to go out with a lobster? Not a penguin. Lobster. Who would you rather go out with, penguin or lobster? Penguin any time. Oh, it's freezing. No.

No, but you can cuddle one of those. There's no point cuddling in the cold. Look, I've been out with both. Take it from me. Yeah. Okay, the bread's a bit fishy. He's got a history. Yeah.

But can we not loosen up a bit I was yeah having said that I had a bit of a I had a bit of an experience this week which I'm sensing

here we go Al buckle up everyone I'm sensing that I just think Al is gonna is gonna is gonna know about this but I didn't

I was in the north of England oh yeah on, on the road, with my merry band of Omar and Pierre. We do sound like the three... It's a good way, the three... What they were called? Musky Hounds. Musky Hounds, I went.

And one of the guys said, oh, you know where we are, don't you? We're near T-Bay Services. Oh, nice. And I said, what's that? And they said, T-Bay? Come on. And I said, I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you know this, Emily? Of course I don't. So we went to T-Bay. It's absolutely nice. Do you know it, Al? Really nice. It's where I actually, I've got a slight bit of PTSD about it because it's where my children insisted on having an adult pie

when they could have had a child's meal for £1. Oh, was it there? So they cost me an extra £20. It's a place that encourages that kind of decadence, I would say. It's nice. Decadence. If there was a road to heaven, the services on it would be Teabay. Is this right?

I might drive there specially. Do you know, I love a nice... Sometimes I'll drive off just... If I know there's one coming up... They had freshly caught Bill Tong in the delicatessen. Yeah. And also, there were people at Teabay services who weren't wearing tracksuits. Yeah. And also there were people at T-Bay services who weren't wearing tracksuits.

Yeah. What were they wearing? At the services. It's really different. Can you imagine? I saw two thin people. I mean, what's going on? What's happened to services?

It's incredible. It's got everything. They've got craft items. Oh, they have. They had pencils that said things like, I love books on them. It's a service. It's really different.

Not, I love big hardcover books about Princess Diana that you can buy. Or the world of cars. No, not the world of cars. Exactly. No, this, I mean, it's a lovely place. I would drive to Teabag just to hang out and then drive back again.

Well, I'm going to. I might go after the show. I was absolutely, I mean, they had fresh biltong, three varieties. I bet if I asked for Earl Grey, they wouldn't look at me like that was strange. Oh, God, they'd have all that. So I went in there to roast dinner

and it was, you know, it was perfect. Yeah. Did I have mince sauce?, it was perfect. Yeah. Did I have mint sauce? You bet I did. Yeah. Oh man, that was a special thing. But we had a debate at T-Bay Services, the three of us

and I'll run that by you after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. We're talking about Christmas traditions here. There's Christmas meals specifically. Can I tell you about the debate we had? Oh's, or Christmas meals specifically. Can I tell you about the debate we had? Sure. Oh, yeah, in the tea bay. Oh, of course. We're in a tea bay location.

So Omar sits there at Tea Bay Services and says to me, if you look how many different foodstuffs are on this plate, you know, it's a roast dinner. So how many, if I put two on my plate, you know, it's a roast dinner. So how many, if I put two on my fork, how many combinations do we have

if it was two different ones? Are you with me? So he's a man who would have meat and then, say, cabbage on the same fork. Now, I don't do that. Right. I eat my food, I have a sort of apartheid system.

Yes, you're quite puritanical with regards to food. I'm particularly apt on this World Cup final, Dan. He said, I don't, I don't mix and match on the fork. I only take up one food at a time. And some people do the human blender thing. Some people want two, well, do you know what, they put together some people do the human blender thing. Some people want to.

What's here? They put together some sort of sheesh kebab. Yes. I'm a bloke who add a little bit of every single thing on a cooked breakfast per forkful. I mean, what's going on? I'm staying very quiet here, as you can tell. Why, are you one of those?

No, I don't, of course not. But with a salad, I will make an excepcioni because the salad is designed to be blended. It's all God's children in the salad. Do you see? You wouldn't just eat the leaves and then eat the bacon separately. Bacon? No, I don't.

See, that to me is not a salad. No, I know. Frank's again got a very sort of puritanical approach to salads. Those are what I call Mars Bar Salad. Turning into your dad. I take my salad, I roll it into a ball, swallow it in one gulp and rinse it down with a glass of water just to get it out of the way.

Frank doesn't see the pleasure. He sees the salad as the sort of hair shirt of the food world. It is absolutely that, yeah. I know what you mean. Would you not mix on Christmas Day a bit of roast potato with a tiny bit of chicken and some gravy? No.

I mean, no turkey? The only example I can think of is that sometimes when I'm having fish and chips, I will take a bit of the batter off the fish and wrap it around the chip and eat it like that as a sort of vegetarian pigs in blanket sort of setup and that's a nice thing i'm glad you brought up pigs in blankets they're another thing that i never they didn't have that name when i was a child they didn't exist they were called sausages wrapped in bacon when I was a kid, which is quite a clumsy title.

You see, that and the Yorkshire pudding, those are the standout acts of the day to me. This is why I buy the ticket. The Yorkshire pudding and the pigs in blankets. Everything else, take all of it. My mum used to make a big, thick Yorkshire pudding, a big, spongy, warm, warm, warm Yorkshire pudding. a big, spongy, woom, woom, woom of a Yorkshire pudding. But the ones you get in restaurants and stuff,

they're very airy. They're like, I imagine, you know when you see people thinking in a comic book and they're in those, someone has decided that when you think, you think in small puffs of smoke. When you speak, you speak with like a pointy tail. But I imagine if you ate one of those thought bubbles,

it would taste like a Yorkshire pudding, like you get in a restaurant, that crunchy and then nothing really in the middle of it. No, I like it, the Yorkshire pudding consistency, I like it like a quilt. Or like a sort of Shrek's ankle in consistency, ideally, Shrek's ankle and no slimmer. Yeah, I like the idea of sleeping under a Yorkshire pudding. That's probably what they did in the early days

before they had electric blankets. The cavemen. I thought you meant the Yorkshiremen. Oh, yeah, man. Al, I like that Frank thinks the time preceding when they had electric blankets was cavemen. I'd like to say

he's not the biggest history scholar, but he is quite a big history scholar. It's a fairly sizable gap in his knowledge. Yes, I... Yes, I've mixed up something there. We're going to draw you a timeline. I take my timeline mainly

from the Flintstones we've had a few textings on our various food related discussions oh yeah 429 sent us higher when we went to Portugal to visit a family member around Christmas time many years ago, we saw a Christmas tree

made of fish in a shopping mall. It could have been cod. It was huge and stank. And they've capitalised that bit. I like that. Imagine being described that way. You were huge and stank.

It says Tracy Norwich. I don't know if that's her surname or if Tracy is in Norwich, but anyway. Yeah. I hope she's called Tracy Norwich. I don't know if that's her surname or if Tracy is in Norwich, but anyway. Yeah. I hope she's called Tracy Norwich. Me too. It's quite a good name, but I bet not. Oh, I like the sound of seeing.

I'd like to see the stinking Christmas tree just once. Don't take this the wrong way. And I've used that line before. Don't take this the wrong way, do. But I can very much imagine you having a stinking Christmas tree. Just to annoy people. Just in a gittish way. Have you gone artificial?

I've gone cod. This year. I thought we'd go cod for a change. Can you imagine both? How do you mean? Just cod. Go on, cod Christmas tree. You know, we've gone for just a cod Christmas tree.

Yeah, well, do they still hang stuff on it? I suppose it just sticks. No. Give it a couple of days, they can sit globes on the vapour. Lovely, it'd be like a hovering thing. A fishing tree. Like the King Panther's eyebrows Just bouncing there in mid-air

Frank, if you want an artificial tree You get the fish finger tree Oh yeah, exactly Like the cod bites Yeah, you could have cod bites instead of globes Oh nice You see, fillet of fish for my wife Can I tell you about Halloween?

I think it's time Yeah, I think we're going from festival to festival here. Lovely. So you went, I was at the Lyceum Theatre crew in Halloween. But you went to...

I told everyone you were... I thought you were drying out, love. You went to the party of the year, of course, at Jonathan Rossi's Halloween party, which I must say is really an event and a half. Oh, is it ever. It's great.

But I did miss you, Frank, because we have a tradition at around 10.45pm. What happens? We go in the house and make a cup of tea. Yes. Like Grandma and Grandpa Walton. It's both the least and the most showbiz thing I ever hear about.

But I have to say, Frank did send a rather fabulous ambassador in his place. Buzz arrived, do you know what he dressed as? Yes, he was Voldemort. He was. Oh, do you say, is the tea silent? You just said it. Oh, you have said it without saying that. Oh, you're not meant to say it. Doesn You just said it. Oh, yeah, I've said it.

I was about to say that. Oh, you're not meant to say it. Is it like this? Doesn't Harry make a big thing about I'm going to say his name at the end of The Philosopher's Stone? Yeah. I know, I know, because I've just read it to my child. Harry's a big free speech guy.

I think that's the message. Can I say, I don't know anything, I don't know much about it, so I've never read one, but I do, I only know it from Jack Thorne's quotes, which I love. That's my only relation to it. I think it, so I've never read one. But I only know it from Jack Thorne's quotes, which I love. That's my only relation to it. I think it sounds brilliant. That's all right.

But I don't know Voldemort, but I did make a point... I've corrected a few things in the reading of it. OK, I did make... I did... I did make a point of saying to Buzz immediately, you know, I know who you are. OK, no, he'll be pleased with that. Because I know how much his dad likes it when you know who he is.

So I said, you're Voldemort. Jonathan Ross, it gives me no pleasure to say this, but I'm afraid Jonathan Ross said, when he saw him, and he had a grotesque Voldemort mask on, he said, Buzz, I've never seen you looking more like your dad. And I'm afraid Buzz laughed. Of course. Excellent.

So you were there in spirit. Yes. Well, I missed it. It really is. I mean, I was the child catcher. Oh, yeah. So Buzz was sort of my prop. That's what he was.

Well, except he was Voldemort. Well, yes, he was like an angry victim. But you can imagine, can't you, going into a late-night drinking club and Voldemort is sitting with the child catcher talking about how they hate kids, I suppose. I described it as the... Maybe with Mrs Thingy from Annie.

Oh, Mrs Hannigan. Yeah, exactly. That's a good one. Good idea for next year. Yeah. Well, there's someone appeared as Harry Potter. There was a tense moment between him and Buzz. I bet.

I'm afraid Buzz did wave an implement in his face. No, I think you've got to do that. No, he did. Did the guy, if it was a guy who was Harry Potter, did they have the zigzag scar? They had a fight. Oh, okay. No one got hurt.

No. It was all absolutely fine. But there were some great costumes. Alan Carr went as the creature from The Shape of Water. I think that was the name of the club. Why didn't the outfit turn up? Frank. He looked fabulous.

Craig Revel Horwood. I had a real lucky escape because I was going to go. I had some options prior to the child capture. I like that, though. As a childless woman, I like it. Give them what they want. And I was going to go. I nearly went The Other Mother,

which is from a Neil Gaiman book, Coraline. Oh, yes. Oh, the buttons. And Neil was there, of course. Button eyes. Button eyes, yeah. And then I nearly went as Cruella de Vil. but Coraline oh yes oh the buttons and Neil was there of course button eyes and then I nearly went as Cruella de Vil

again give them what they want I'm glad I didn't talk about being out Sean Craig Revel Hoard turned up full

Cruella de Vil drag make up oh excellent and four boys on men are dressed in Dalmatian onesies on leads.

Goodness me. We'll talk about his costume in a minute. Well, they're definitely part of the costume. Yeah. Exactly. Wow. Craig Revel Horwood. I know.

I once run a joke by Craig Revel Horwood that someone had said to me that they said they didn't like Craig Greville Horwood because they never liked the orange revels. And he didn't take it at all. He didn't he really saw no comedy in it at all. He just came with

that terrible stare when he looks oh dear. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've just been showing you some Halloween pictures. I mean, you could have just looked in the newspapers, but I don't know why I bother taking the pictures. Oh, that's right. The Daily Mail quite often cover it, don't they?

They do more. David Baddiel had a yellow sort of biohazard suit. That's right. He was dressed as Walter White From Breaking Bad I believe I've never seen that I think Frank has watched that I've never seen that David Williams was Blofeld

He was upset because everyone Kept calling him Dr Evil Oh okay No I think they always call him that Don't they I Rachel Worthington has sent me

I don't know if you remember I mentioned last week Fool's Gold which I was saying was the money it was like the pink pound it's what people spend on Kardashian based items

and someone has actually, Rachel Worthington has sent me some actual Fool's Gold. No way. No. It looks great. How exciting. It seems incredible.

When you consider some of the people who wear a lot of gold, that all gold isn't called Fool's Gold. Interesting. But it's beautiful fool's gold I think I think I like it better than gold

do you want to describe what it is Frank because I well it's so it's a mineral so they've sent me a piece of rock

and it's it's sparkling golden oh lovely I feel I want to I want to have it under my pillow tonight.

We should perhaps say it's in a little plastic bag. That's what Frank is crackling. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's not like Rice Krispies and he's poured it onto the fool's gold. Yeah. Or what were those things, Al, that you used to... They were in a packet and you'd put them down your throat. Oh, I just made my mouth water.

And so did the music. No, you remember those? Yeah. They were in a packet and you put them down your throat. Were they sweets? Yeah, that sweet thing that does the crackling in your mouth. Crackling sweets. Oh, space dust.

Very good. Sorry, I've gone very... Unfortunately, I think there was a Class A drug that had the same name. Don't get mixed up, anyone wants things. Oh, I recommended that on Absolute Radio. Yeah. She said, hi, there was a Class A drug that had the same name. Don't get mixed up, anyone wants things. Oh, I recommended that on Absolute Radio. Yeah. She said, hi, there was a mention, this is what Rachel said, there was a mention of fool's gold

and the difference between fools and idiots on the Frank Skinner show. We handle the big topics that other commercial radio shows are not prepared to go into. This is an interesting bit. My neighbour, David J. Bremner, television and film technician, this is some sort of... We're trying to give him a step up in his career.

Asked if he could, with his son, look through some old boxes and keep interesting minerals that were collected for free by me in the 80s mid-Wales caravan holidays. I don't know why David J. Bremner, the television and film technician, gets the mention. Have you worked with him? Stop rattling the things out there. Is that annoying?

You wouldn't know his name if he was just a cruise gold. Well, you're talking about caravans. This is my last mention of Halloween, but I embarrass myself horribly. Brilliant. Are you familiar with the work of John Sims? Yeah. What, John Sim, the master?

You know he's in Doctor Who. I wonder why his face... Amongst other work. He's done a lot of high quality other work, but Frank has gone straight to... You know, I told you I met him at the theatre. He seems a lovely chap. He said, what a pleasure to meet... I know, I told you I met him at the theatre and he came over and he said... He seems a lovely chap.

He said, what a pleasure to meet... I said, oh man, it's great to meet you. We were real, it was a bit of a real love fest and he said, I can't believe we've never met.

I'm a big fan. I said, well, I'm a massive fan of yours and we just stood there. I said, I've got to tell you, I'm a big Doctor Who fan. He just gave me a hug and walked off.

Frank, you mustn't tell... Well, I embarrass myself. He's a magical actor called Kate McGowan. Oh, yeah. They were in... She was in a film called Stardust. I remember. I really liked Stardust.

Yeah, which I had. Well, you all know what happened then and why I made this mistake. Her character, Al, has a night of passion early on in it, which sets a narrative rolling. So I haven't seen her. As a night of passion, so off.

Well, quite. I think I'd met her once during that time. So in reference to it, I said, after I was introduced to them again, I said, oh, last time I saw you, you were filming Stardust and up to no good in a caravan. Yeah. And John Sims looked slightly horrified and then she looked slightly horrified

and then I realised what that might have sounded like and he saved the day he said, I was in Manchester filming what the hell was going on? and then I did have to explain hurriedly I said no, I'm referring to her part I promise it's a bit Bernard Bres breslau and carry on camping

i know i know it's the sort of thing you know no luckily they laughed and they saw the funny side but then i realized so many of my encounters in life now are ending with that as the takeaway luckily they saw the funny side yeah this is exactly. This is what happens to you, Frank. I'm basically turning into Frank Skinner. Yeah, I know. Yeah, well, as I say, I wish I'd held back the Doctor Who thing, then I could have talked to him a bit more.

And the same thing happened to me. I told you with... You were a liability at the parties now. With John Hurt. I told you about John Hurt. I spoke to him, and I spoke about the naked civil servant. He was very friendly.

I said, I've got to tell you, I'm a big doctor. And he went, ha, ha, ha, and walked away. Oh, you've got to stay in the closet. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. 632 has texted, fool's gold is iron pyrite. Oh, that rings a bell. Can I also...

Pyrite captain. Also, Frank, I should apologise. You're absolutely correct. I referred to the master, John Simm, as John Sims. Yes. I do apologise. OK? I'm sure you'll be fine with it.

Hopefully it was an occasion where it could have been an apostrophe S. Well, no, but it is a bit my nan saying Cliff Richards. I am now of the age where I'm adding an S. Instead of Marks and Spencers, Marks is, et cetera. Don't worry. A lot of people say the Carpenters. And it's actually just Carpenters. Is that right, then?

Yeah. And it's actually just carpenters. Is that right? Yeah. 740, we were talking about Portuguese Christmas trees made from boiled cod earlier. Yeah, of course we were. And like every other breakfast radio show this morning, and 740 has said, was the tinsel made from goldfishes?

Oh, that would have been a nice touch. I've forgotten. Another example of an extra S there, goldfishes. Goldfish,. Oh, that would have been a nice touch. I've forgotten. Another example of an extra S there. Goldfishes. Goldfish. You're right. Unless there's missed a bit off the end. Pull your socks up.

Was it made out of goldfishes? And then we don't know. Hang on, the mafia didn't say you sleep with the fish. You could use goldfish excreta, probably, instead of... You know when people put tinsel round the tree? Or lametta. You could get a long enough string. Or for lametta.

Are you familiar with lametta? No. What's that? What, Eric Lametta? Is it gross? Is it something you don't want to tell us about? People never... No, it's the silver stringy thing.

Do you know those they look like icicles they're silver foil sort of icicles oh yeah they're called lametta it's called lametta my mother was obsessed by it she was going we've got to get the lametta you know mothers always have a meltdown my mother's was always over the lametta i love that gotta buy lametta um we've had a text in that i rather like 700 has has texted, Dearest Frank and Noble Associates, I have this morning, boastfully, completed a 5K run, cooked scrambled eggs and bacon for my partner,

fabricated a most salubrious coffee to specification, and I'm now most of the way to completing a four-person ratatouille. This will cool and be reheated, filled with flavours for tonight. I'm hoping you'll mention me, selfish as it seems. Everyone else is watching the rugby and I'm sick of it and all alone except for you. Thank you for amusing me.

I'm going to say it. I think 7-0-0 might be a bit of a git and I like them. I assumed that it was a woman is that bad of me? how did I arrive at that?

because they were cooking I thought it was going to be a multitasking celebration which women often celebrate I assumed it was a woman if we got any in further it wasn't did they say that they were a he?

Did I say they were a he? Yeah, didn't you just say it was a... I think a git is a male thing to be. Yeah, boss. You tell him, boss. I think gittishness is gender neutral. Oh, OK, I didn't. Can you check the big pamphlet in the book?

Excuse me, I'm a gittette. Oh, are you? I've chosen to call myself a gittet. This sounds to me like cultural appropriation. I think you've got to be an older man to be a proper, fully-blown git. Oh, I feel it. But I could be wrong. Times change, and it's hard to keep up with the slogans and the jargon. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. We also had someone, we were discussing the difference between an idiot and a fool. 546 has texted, in Men at Work's song High Wire, Colin Hay states, I may be an idiot, but indeed I am no fool.

He probably knows the difference. I don't think he does, by the sounds of it. This is a thing that me and David Baddiel did, and the thing is that idiots are horrible people, whereas fools, you can actually love a fool. You can't love an idiot. Not in our definition. And harking back to many moons ago on this show,

545 has texted, Team, I have a poser for you. Where do you start when attempting a round jigsaw? Capitals on round. You could still do the, not the straight edge, but the edge. You could do the circle. Good point.

I think you'd be all right. I've never actually done a circular one. Something to look forward to. I might have done so many Henry VIII's in my time. Yeah, well that might. I mean, it's King Arthur, really, for the circular ones. Yeah, but still, I've done a few. I mean, I had to start broadening out to the globe form.

By the way, I saw Farmageddon. Do you know that? It's the new Shaun the Sheep movie. Oh, looking forward to that. Now, I'm an enormous fan of Shaun the Sheep. The most talked about sheep film of the year. This time, Shaun's back. And I watched the TV show.

Are you familiar with the Shaun the Sheep TV? Really good. I've got a Shaun the Sheep. I wasn Really good. Oh, yes. Really good. I've got a Shaun the Sheep. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure about Farbegiddon. Oh, you know. It's fallen into the same trap as Toy Story 4. Too much relationship stuff and not enough jokes,

which, of course, is how I feel about life. Yeah. Can I just say something? Is Shaun the Sheep popular as a franchise? Oh, I think so, yeah. Oh, I've got a Shaun the Sheep. Aardman sent me an actual model in a framed... I didn't... Oh, I'll give it to Buzz, maybe.

That's lovely. Is Aardman the... I'll check what it's worth first. Maybe we Google its value before you do that, yeah. Yeah, but I'm worried he's not going to have any... Oh, it's Aardman. Was that Dean Gaffney's Alsatian? Well, that... I can't think of a better note on which to end the show. Well, there you go.

Thank you for listening to us, and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. we'll be back again this time next week now get out