The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Cuckoo Spit

Episode Date: May 13, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Cuckoo Spit, Harry Style's stage dive and they ask readers for their favourite 'photo cliches'.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8-12-15 about, you know, stuff that's interesting or funny or has potential to produce either of those effects. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That is your quest, should you choose to accept it. Okay, we were just discussing how different

the 80s would have been if Harry Enfield, loads of money character, hadn't been a builder but had been a stationer. Yeah. So that he says things like loads of pens loads of pens and the crowd go yes

it would have changed the whole attitude to people would still be writing I think free hand loads of hole reinforcers people still use those do they? I'm asking you.

Do you remember? Stickers that got in. They were like corn plasters for paper. And they went on the paper. And you know what? I loved them for a project. Because they'll easily tear. Once you put them in a lever arch. Once they go in that lever arch, they're dead to me. They can be torn at any time. Yeah. I don't mean

deliberately. I mean, you just bring it on and then it won't go back in. I mean, I think people enjoy the ritual of stationery. I certainly do. I love a jumbo pad. Oh, yeah. I like a notebook and a pen, but I'm not getting into hole protectors. It's a bit technical for you. Reinforcers, wasn't it?

Hole reinforcers, yes. Really? I'm not going that deep. It'd be a good title for a Hollywood movie, The Hole Reinforcer, wasn't it? Hole reinforcers, yes. Really? I'm not going that deep. Be a good title for a Hollywood movie, The Hole Reinforcer with Vin Diesel. Would it? What about a plazzy folder? Now, this is getting a bit technical for you, Al.

A plazzy folder with two holes in it? Come on. Oh, those things. That's my favourite. Yeah. What about those? What about, well, if I had visual aids for my Tudor project, for example, I'd pop them in there.

Postcards from Hampton Court go in that plazzy folder. I didn't really get into stationary until what I would call later life. But now it's the best. Still, enough of that. Well, I say enough of that. Not that I'm now going to move on to something massively relevant, but you know what I mean. Yeah.

We chew the fat. That's what we do on this show. I chew a lot less than I used to. You know what I'm talking about? Okay, so... Tell you what, I had a sort of a gathering at my house. Seance? I'm going to use it as soiree.

I'm going to use that phrase. You know that people say that. Well, it's good that you say that, because the young people, I know going to use it, a soiree I'm going to use that phrase, you know that people say that Well it's good that you say that because the young people I know this from my niece, there's a huge distinction between the gathering and the party these days with the youth So if you say, did you have a party? It's not a party, it's a gathering

Because a gathering means you're not trying too hard I think and then parents feel it won't get out of control as well so you can't call it a party I felt I was trying quite hard. It was lovely. I went, I mean, I had two, I had a kids' party in the morning, so I took my son, who's nearly five, to a party. When I saw what the theme,

they all have themes, these kids' parties, you probably know. Right. So when I saw the theme, I said to my partner, Kath, I said, you should take him to this one, this theme, or suit you down to the ground. And then I realised you actually pronounce it Moana. And so it was all based on this film, Moana. Do you know it?

I know Moana. Set somewhere in the Pacific Islands, I believe. So Boswen is a pirate. You know in the Pacific Islands, I believe. So, Boz Wen is a pirate. You know, it's there or thereabouts. They're peripatetic pirates. Yeah. I don't think anyone's going to argue with that. The good thing about a pirate is that he could rush up anywhere.

So, he could sort of end up at any fancy dress party. Well, I don't know if he could do the Star Wars. Oh, in that bar, there was all sorts going on. I suppose it could be a Disney theme, then you could have Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, just put some eyeliner on him, good to go. Yeah, so it was all based on this film Moana, which is set in the Pacific.

And there was an entertainer, it was a woman who sang and got them singing and all that, who wore a grass skirt. Oh, yeah. You know, as you'd expect in that kind of context. And it did strike me... I'm surprised it hasn't caught on as a general fashion item. Oh, OK, I'm not.

The grass skirt. Why not? Because I don't want to wear a grass skirt. I'm not stressful enough for a regular skirt. This is a woman from the fashion industry and it's that sort of narrow mindedness that has kept it tied in corners rather than released. Well, credit where credit's due

you were an early adopter of the cape, Frank, and it's everywhere now. Not to mention the hound's tooth. Yeah. I wonder about the grass skirt though. Is it not catching on here because of climate reasons like people would go out and then suddenly they're in a wet grass skirt let me qualify it

it doesn't have to be real grass astroturf skirt well anything straight I mean you wouldn't want real grass because the last thing you want on a skirt is cuckoo spit yeah and a grass I find I say that but I i think i could probably um play a

about cuckoo spit do you remember cuckoo spit yeah yeah i haven't seen any since the 80s what is it that stuff on grass it's the stuff it looks like somebody's gobbed on grass. Yeah, I know what that is, yeah. It's been largely replaced by a gob, hasn't it, in the modern world? Well, I'm guessing it wasn't cuckoo spit, was it? It's been replaced by decking, is what it's been replaced by in the 90s revolution. Well, not cuckoo spit, though. Cuckoo spit, though, must have been a natural phenomenon. And I find the natural world is a bit less prone to follow fashion. So why would that disappear?

I can see why people don't have grass or cut their lawns or whatever they do. I think this is one of your great textings. I think it's got all the... Can someone just tell me what cuckoo spit is? I'd really appreciate that. 8, 12, 15. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You look like a man with news. I've got news from the outside world. You look like that man who arrived from the Battle of Marathon. And I never thought I would get to say this, certainly not on breakfast radio. Nymph secretions, Frank, that's what I've got here. Take that back.

Zero, eight, zero. Can I stop you a second? I'm asking the world what Cuckoo's Bit is this morning extraordinary scenes here at Absolute Radio the producer and the assistant producer not only don't know what it is but they've never heard of it

so I'm assuming it's a how can it be a generational thing when it's a natural phenomenon that's like young people not having heard of tigers. Cuckoos aren't cool anymore. Face it, Frank. But if people said tigers, they're a bit 70s, aren't they? Yeah.

You know what? I know what they mean about tigers. They are a bit 70s. They are quite 70s. There's a lot of children's books in the 70s. Yes. Them is a central theme. So do you want to know about Cuckoospit?

I really do. Well, 080 has texted, Nymph secretions, which sounds worse than gob in many ways. But we've also had people saying Cuckoospit is the secretion of the Froghopper nymph. What is that? See, I think of a nymph as a sort of a... A book.

I'm worried this sounds a bit Wikipedia. They've gone to Wikipedia. No, I think there's someymph as a sort of a... A bug. I'm worried this sounds a bit Wikipedia. They've gone to Wikipedia. No, I think there's some... They wouldn't do that. No, I don't think so. Well, you know what these people are like. Chip has texted. Yes, go on.

Chip has texted. Hi, Frank. I think, I like I think, when you're giving somebody the answer. No, that's good. I think cuckoospit was the fluid that surrounded a bug before it hatched. Brackets, possibly daddy long legs, but I'm

no David Attenborough. But again, I don't like the past tense. Does it mean that the natural world has stopped doing that? If you want the present tense, let's go over to 189, who says, I have cuckoo spit, this is live from his garden,

on my sage plant in the garden as I text. I wish we could go over to him like a reporter. It's a she, it's Sarah. Morning Frankie, I'm here in... Western Supermare. She's at Western Supermare. I'm here in Western Supermare and the sea is out, that's about seven miles. She says no idea what it is but it's still a thing.

Yeah. You know it still exists, thanks Sarah. It's the secretion. She says no idea what it is, but it's still a thing. Yeah. You know, it still exists. It's a secretion of the nymph. But I'm sure it isn't a nymph. I'm going to say it like you knew what it was. Lorraine has said cuckoo spit is the protective coating for the larvae of the frog hopper. Hope that helps.

OK. I don't think that's the Lorraine, although that would be a result, wouldn't it? A frog hopper? I'd just have gone with my Scottish accent if's the Lorraine although that would be a result, wouldn't it? A frog hopper? I should have gone with my Scottish accent I'm going to take the Frank Skinner show but it's so dear The frog hopper sounds like a creature

that has illicit relationships with frogs He's a right frog hopper, that one You can imagine the other creatures He gets a bang I'm not really quite sure what a frog hopper, that one. You can imagine the other creatures. He gets a bang. I'm not really quite sure what a frog hopper... We've got a photograph, Frank. I know what it looks like. I like the sound of the sage plants.

Hold your high horses. I'm just saying someone has sent us a lovely photograph of their own garden. She's lovely. Not if it's covered in spit. So cookie spit obviously wasn't cookie spit. A nymph, I'm assuming, is a... A bug.

Bug. Yeah. And it covers itself in spit. Where did it get it from? Pavements. I know why the young people don't see it. Because they're always looking at their phones. Ah!

Of course! Nice. Of course. Sorted. Absolute. Absol course. Sorted. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got a lot of Froghopper correspondence.

Oh, yes. But I'd also like to just slot in here another missive we've had on the tweets. Oh, yeah. This is from Bugsy, who says, I'm reading the Andre Agassi book, and his dad kept salt in his pocket in case of a fight. Oh, like my dad?

Yes. I've got so much in common with Andre Agassi. He was from Las Vegas, I believe. Was he? So that's travelled extraordinarily well. I thought it was a North East thing, but he was an interesting character, wasn't he? that's travelled extraordinarily well. I thought it was a North East thing, but that's... He was an interesting character, wasn't he?

I haven't read the book, but people have told me about him. One of the things he used to do when Agassi was a baby is he made a small mobile with tennis balls, and he used to... I think he taped a tiny

tennis racket to the baby's, baby Andre's hands. And he used to wave it at these balls. I mean, that. Do you do that with Buzz, Frank? Do you have to take my wife and some of the other jokes revolving around? Well, we got strikers at West Brom

whose dads hung cows behind Hopalva, and then they typed a banjo to their hands. And very few of them ever made contact. I like that. I've got that. Anyway, I've heard... I've got that. I was paying attention in the 90s. I was a ladette. I've heard it's one of the great sports...

I've heard very much of that. There you go. Meanwhile, over in the garden. Yeah. Al? Oh, yeah. 712 has texted, I have it in my garden and my wife is convinced it's me spitting.

Oh, we should say what? Not just I have it in my garden. Just tune in. I mean, I know that's your business. We were talking about the cuckoo spit. It's fine as long as it's not overlooked, 712. Yeah, when you say it's your business, it's actually the neighbours' business as well.

Well, that is true. And also they've texted in, so they're making it public. They never mind, though, the neighbours, do they? Fends on the neighbours. William Blake apparently used to... Used to what? He used to be naked with his wife in his garden. Really?

Is that right? Yeah. All right? William Blake. Got a problem with that? used to what he used to be um naked with his wife in his garden really all right yeah all right william william blake news breaking on getting strangely defensive on william blake's bar what i like about that you know he's in a gang with him well frank's neighbor popped a head over the fence but you've heard of which i. You've heard of hot gossip. That's very, very cold gossip. William Blair. Did she really? Oh, I like that over the fence. Well, she was a lovely woman and I love the fact

that she just went, hello, and popped her head over. Nice. Are we back at the gathering? Oh, sorry, we'll go back to the gathering later because it did take place in the garden. This 712 character, you were trying to explain to anybody that's just joined, we're discussing this cuckoo spit phenomenon that you thought may have faded away.

It's gone. It can't have. And 712 is saying, I have it in my garden, and my wife is convinced it's me spitting. I don't like that. It could have gone worse, mate. Yeah. I don't like the wife's suspicion there

no exactly wow you could have I mean trust is so important in a relationship don't you think isn't it

anyway we'll leave Cuckoo's Pit alone I know some of our readers are getting irate that we're going on about it they've not heard the show before yeah we usually we deal with the major issues

in life. I just think it's, I mean, is it an evolution thing? They don't need it anymore because they've developed... Yeah. ..a shell. Some sort of pupae reinforcers, a bit like the old hole reinforcers used to get in stations. And there you are, as T.S. Eliot said,

in my end is my beginning. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. You know what? I was making a serious point about the grass skirt. Because if you made it out of something other than grass something synthetic and less scratchy

you know in the summer you'd wear, you know, women would wear those little boxer short things so you're not going to give anything away. Boxer shorts? Who wears them? You are a touch dear.

Let's face it. Boxer shorts. Let's go with the hot pants under the grass skirt. Well, I mean, just... I'm out of touch because I don't wear boxer shorts. Don't fight it. Just go with it. You'll get used to it after a bit.

The first ten years are the worst. Of being out of touch. But wouldn't it be great in the summer? What? To wear a grass skirt. Oh, well I'm still not fit with you on the grass skirt. I'm trying, Frank. It could be a softer you know, material. You'll see

it, they'll be everywhere and you'll be excited. What about hay? I've had a little brainwave. Rather than the grass or hay what about cotton? Instead of the strips, maybe just do it all in like one... so it's just a skirt with a rip a skirt yeah just a skirt yeah is that the evolution that's happened already

all you need to do is sort of have a sort of synthetic type grass the thing that's soft what about frank you know in those shops those convenience stores with the little curtain strips to the back yes did you have that on the skirt? I'll meet you halfway. Where the elderly relatives sit looking through. Yes. Nice. I'll meet you there. Well, anyway. That as a skirt would be good because it would match a lot of different outfits with it being multicoloured. Well, exactly. I was talking

to the producer on the phone the other day. She's got a bit funny cover. She was telling me about it. That's the answer machine message. My producer said to me. She's talking about someone wearing a trouser suit. Yeah. And it was the first time that it occurred to me

that if women wear a trouser suit, they call it a trouser suit. If they wear a skirt suit, they call it a suit. What's wrong with a skirt suit? Good point. Oh, yeah. Get yourself a skirt suit. What about a grass skirt suit good point yeah yeah get yourself a skirt suit what about a grass skirt suit yes well a skirt suit has slightly negative connotations i always feel you think yes i feel when you say you always feel have you heard the phrase before skirt suit all the time really i did work in fashion for a long time i accept i'm out of touch now as of this morning but they call them

skirts yes oh okay fair enough i would say that was a sort of um lady on her way to court would be in a skirt suit it was an 80s um yes women when women were shown they were strong in business they wore skirt suits didn't they yeah i like the way um in america trouser suits are called pantsuits for obvious reasons. But the idea that you might be wearing just pants that are made out of the same material as your jacket. I love that. And then a little grass skirt over the top. You're absolutely made.

Well, that's my number decided for tonight. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. for tonight. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So look, I must tell you about my gathering because Emily Dean was there with Ray, her friend Ray. Who's my dog? He's a dog.

He played blind. He went down very well with the assembled children. He's sort of child size, if you know what I mean. Whereas a big dog just knocks them out and takes the sandwiches out of their hands. That's what they do. That's what they do, the big dogs. So I bought four cooked chickens,

two French sticks, five gold ricks. No, I did. I bought a packet of balloons, and that's not a co-alcoholism. And some of balloons, and that's not a co-alcoholism, and some tulips, and that's a party right there, in my opinion. So we were all set,

and we had people around. There was loads of kids. Full party and a couple of carrier bags. Absolute feast, can I just say. Was it? It was Hampton Court feast. It was lovely. Chicken and bread?

Chicken, bread, all sorts. Quiche? The highlight for me there was a the kids they start um one of my friends um asked the kids quiz questions and if they got them wrong they got squirted in water and uh that's how you that's how you teach them that's what frank's thinking of introducing that policy on our show it's a bit like the old show jumping hedgehog skins on the top of the fence thing they used to use in the old days. But anyway, not that I approve of that,

but anyway, so one of the kids is about, I think he's about three, he had the water pistol painted out of him and I particularly enjoyed this, is that my friend said, okay, what's one plus one?

And the kid said, Africa. And I've spent the whole week thinking, is there any way that could be true in a sort of philosophical way? It was an old fielding, to be fair. It was like the most complex cryptic crossword clue of all time. It really was. One plus one is the clue and the answer's African. Then you have to try and work out why it is.

But I was very impressed by that. And did that child get squirted then? Is that how it bled out? I'm afraid he had to get squirted. It was a good guess, but close, but no cigar, as they say. Certainly not his age. No. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I know we're now into the funny things, so this isn't a funny thing, but I was with my child and a woman the other day, and a woman said, oh, are you going to go to blah, blah? Does your daddy know what to do if...

blah, blah, blah. And he said, my daddy always knows what to do. Oh, what a lovely response. And if, God forbid, I was the sort of person who said, no pressure then, I would have said no pressure then. But obviously I'd never say no pressure then because that's only dave swift in sales right who says that oh no pressure then that's that but i don't want to

but one other thing which i feel i need to share with you my son said to me um adrian chiles was at my house and my son said to me, is Adrian from Birmingham? Well, I mean, we're not going to the specifics, but more or less that he's from the West. So I said, yes. And he said, is that why he's your friend? Oh, because he's from Birmingham. Well, it might have something to do with it.

And then he said, and he's Matthew from Birmingham. He's another friend. And I said, no, no, he isn't. You know, not all my friends are from birmingham and then he said and without any prompting well emily definitely isn't from birmingham so what do you wait how have you picked up on that there's so much depth in that statement strange euphemism yeah definitely isn't i mean correct but there's a strange euphemism? Yeah. Definitely isn't. I mean, correct, but there's a lot of deep understanding in there.

Yeah. They're wise beyond their years sometimes. Oh, they're wise. They're so wise. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8.12.15,

follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's my advice. Emily Dean asterisk, definitely not from Birmingham. That's my new biog according to Buzz that's a strange phenomenon no no no

and it does nothing to dent from my love for Birmingham's would we describe Harry Styles as a friend of this show we quite often this show has often been feet Harry Styles, hasn't it? Has it?

I don't think... I think he's been kicking around in the catalogue of rogues that we discuss. I don't think of him as a... I think I once said he looked like a really attractive sort of yummy mummy on the school run, wearing a boyfriend blazer. Right.

Oh, that's... When I think of Harry Styles, his hair is so... Lovely. It's lustrous. So luxe. Dense, really dense. Yes.

And I've always been, ever since I was young, I've always envied a low forehead. Have you? Because I got a head like a light bulb. And I mean, in a thousand years' time, everyone will have a head like mine. Why? Because that's how evolution's going.

Oh, I see. Big brains. But I think people look better with a low forehead and he's got so much thick hair. That's what's made him a superstar. I could get lost in that hair. Well, you say he's been made a superstar, but he's had a tough week in superstardom news.

With the new albums out. Have you heard the album? He's gone solo. The new album's dropped, is what I believe they say now. They don't release albums anymore, Frank. They drop them. That's quite a negative. They're not scratchable. It's not going to be a problem if you drop the new album.

Well, they've used it in the fashion world for many years now. All right. A new collection drops. Trainer drops. I think they've stole it. Exactly. I think they've stolen it. You think?

Anyway. Anyhow. It just sounds negative. It's not just the new album that dropped. He also... What? It was his trousers. He had a cracker.

What? Is he singing a bit deeper now? No, no. It's not that deeper now i mean you would think it was his trousers that dropped with his rep but a bit more like not not as light as the um as the william blake gossip but still not hot off the press i think harry stalls gets about but he had to he had a crack at a stage dive. I seem to remember there is a record. I seem to remember the record we're after.

We once had a bit of Isaac Newton gossip on here. Literally. About him being a not very nice bloke. I believe what you called him, Frank, was a bit of a nasty piece of work. Isaac Newton. There you go, everyone. Nasty piece of work. Isaac Newton, there you go, everyone.

Nasty piece of work. That's it. Anyway. So, yeah, Harry Styles had a go at a stage dive during his solo show. And it says that they quickly dropped him. Either they weren't expecting him to jump or his fan base does not have the upper body strength

it says in the article. Well, that's what it is. It's not the Coldplay. It's a man in the Hackett rugby shirt. They can't handle him. I saw enter Shikari at the Astoria and one of their fans

jumped off the balcony and they still caught him, the crowd, below. Wow. It was, yes, very good upper body strength on the end to Shikari fans. But I can see, I imagine, I mean, what do you picture as a Harry Styles fan, 14-year-old?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he kicked one girl in the head with his Gucci shoe. I love that she noticed it was Gucci. Well, I did wonder if... You know, these stories are sometimes created in order to promote the Gucci shoe, and then there's the story...

Oh, don't be that cynical. I mean, I want a Gucci shoe now. I'm not saying that... They don't need your money. They're doing all right. Maybe I'll do a stage dance at my Gucci store. When I read that, I thought, what about the spikes? That's dangerous.

But then I misunderstood that I thought it was Gucci, as in Graham Gooch, the former England opening batsman. Gucci shoes. Gucci. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some Gucci shoes on, and that would have been genuinely dangerous. There's not been many Graham Gooch jokes on radio for a few years. What I like, Al, is that he...

Got any gossip of her? Graham Gooch gossip on radio for a few minutes. What I like, Al, is that he... Golly gossip of her. Graham Gooch gossip here on Absolute Radio. He was one of the first cricketers to go into the hair loss advertising business. It's a tradition in cricket. Is that what they do? What about My Childhood Crush,

who you may recall, Frank? Do you know who it was? Yes, it was Bobby Crush. No? No, I tear it. I remember now. I'll give you a few minutes to think about it, but I was obsessed by this person in the 80s, because my father was into cricket, and I needed a distraction. It was the tall, all-rounder.

He was called? Gangly all-rounder. Pigeon Toad. He was a bits and bobs player, I would say. Do you want me to put you out of your misery? See, middle sex, go on. Derek Pringle. Derek Pringle, yes, that's right. Anyway, I don't know whether things have gone awry for him on the hair front.

I'm not sure. I find with Derek Pringle, once you pop, you can't stop. So you dodged a bullet there. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were discussing styles-er. Styles-E, Style-E, and his attempt at a stage dive. There's also a confusing thing in the article where I think there's a magazine called Seventeen. I'm guessing it's targeted at 17-year-olds. Correct. Targeted at 15-year-olds generally. Is that right?

Yeah, people about two or three years younger will buy the magazine. Because they want to be 17, I see. I see. Confusing. Is that why I go on saga holidays? Is that what that's all about? I go on them to pull.

Anyway, this article describing Harry Styles' gig, it then starts cross-promoting other publicity, and it says 17 were in attendance, and I thought, I would have thought he'd have a better time. Yeah, with all that gigs like that.

Was it Edinburgh? Yeah, no wonder they dropped him. There was probably only about five that were looking in the right... I mean, that would have been round that gig. Yeah, packed. I must have told you about when I went to see a friends band at the Water Rats in King's Cross, London. What happened? I did a stage dive.

I wasn't even on stage. I got up on stage in order to do a stage dive. I just got carried away, simple as that. Did you? Was this pre... I mean, was this in the Central Reservation years? This was in the 90s when I was in my pomp. Gucci shoes?

No, I wore coochie shoes, which were brought out by Bernie Winters. Coochie, coochie, coochie. And, oh, I've got some good gossip about him. No, not really. He's not a nasty piece of work. No, he's... He's chameau. No longer not really. He's not a nasty piece of work. He's Shamal. No longer with us, that's what he is.

Anyway, so I got up on stage. It wasn't very high, it was like a couple of feet high, I suppose. And I jumped off and the crowd separated, made no attempt to catch me. And I managed to land on my feet feet but one of my legs just completely gave way and it was the most ungraceful thing and as I fell to the ground

quite hard all the change ran out and come out of my pockets and I could see like pennies rolling quite a long way sometimes they'll go for miles and I started

gathering them up, it was quite a pathetic I don't know if you remember but I'm saving pennies because I'm encouraging my action man to use a coaster the weirdest stage dive I've ever heard in my life I mean Chris Martin doesn't gather up the 2p coins He was a coaster. The weirdest stage dive I've ever had in my life. I ended it.

I mean, Chris Martin doesn't gather up the 2p coins. I would say that for six minutes after my stage dive, I was crawling around the floor gathering up the change. People were picking it up and giving it to me. Fantastic. So there are worse stage dives than H Styles. I don't think he wouldn't have loose change in those trousers. It doesn't look like he'd have any room for them.

It wouldn't be loose change. They're a tight trouser. He goes for the Daniel Craig as Bond fit on the suit. Yeah, he's a skinny fit guy. These youngsters do, yeah. Yeah, but that's all right if you're skinny, I think. Oh, he's skinny. I like his look.

I'm noticing that he's gone for pink suit with black shirt. That very Elvis Presley look. Yes, yes. Elvis's favourite colours. And he's even got one of those F-hole guitars, which is very 50s. So they all love Elvis. They've got their new ideas. But what he does find, which isn't very Elvis and isn't very rock star,

is after the stage life went wrong, it was rather sweet, he apologised. That was nice. He went on stage, he said, sorry about that. Sorry it went wrong. That was rather sweet. If he really wants to follow Elvis' stage outfit, in the 70s Elvis used to have a pistol wedged in one of his boots. Because his thing was, if ever he was shot at on stage,

he wanted to make sure that he took out the assassin before he bled to death. And I've always loved the idea of Elvis in a white flared jumpsuit, splattered with blood, firing wildly into a crowd of fans in last people throwing themselves. Much more endangered by the dying, gun-crazed Elvis

than the assassin. Oh, man, what an image. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Yeah, the Elvis thing with Harry Styles I'm not going to go back to the... Anything about Elvis just makes me laugh Is that... It's also...

He looked... The look he'd gone for was a bit what Shakin' Stevens arrived at So it was like Elvis... Elvis' look gone through the shaking steven's it was a bit yeah it was a bit elvis um as available from your fancy dress shop yeah but you know you look you look nice i'm not knocking styles i love style shaking styles that's what i call him now which i think is one of the things the uh countryside alliance yeah tested against wasn't it? Yes, that's right. Wobbly style. Yeah. Well, it was... He also said

he said the reason he did the stage dive he spoke about it afterwards and he said the moment felt right. Well, that's the best reason to do anything

I think. But you fell on your face, love. Oh, no, but I blame them for not catching him. Yeah, me too. I mean, he's them for not catching him. Yeah, me too. I mean, he's got a very predictable trajectory. Yeah. One direction.

Anyway, he's not the only heartthrob in the news this week. I noticed, did you see, there's a new film about King Arthur. I know what you're going to say. Yes. Featuring Becks. Feet. Wow. Featuring Bex. Feet. Well, Feet Bex. Feet, as Guy Ritchie calls him, Old Bexy.

Whenever I hear the name Guy Ritchie, why do I immediately think of a tweed cap? Oh, because they said in the papers that it was his trademark flat cap, and I felt a bit annoyed that I don't think of it as his trademark. I think there are certain celebrities that when you name them, like Jenny Murray

large scarf do you know what I mean? 100. He just associates with one I mean some of them have made a big point, Samuel L Jackson, Kangol, Kapp but I do think of Guy Ritchie as a sort of that's a good one. You know Roger Daltrey on his trout farm in richie is as a sort of the way roger you know roger daltry on his

trout farm in the 1970s is that sort of i'm a bit of a lad cottony lad but i live in the country yes sort of vibe yeah he's got that vibe yeah but um i've never met guy richie i'm sure he's a lovely fellow exactly what you mean a bill gates uh polo shirt yeah is that what bill i can't see i don't it's a microsoft adventure is a polo shirt it Is that what Bill Gates... I can't see, I don't... It's a Microsoft Adventure. It's a polo shirt. It's those sort of people. Very off the peg, isn't it? Yeah.

Silicon Valley normcore. He doesn't look like he's ever been measured by a tailor, does he? No. It's all off the peg. Even with his money. Yeah. Now, this Beckham film... The Gap.

Well, it's not the Beckham film. It's the Guy Ritchie film, but it's become the Beckham film. And his character's called Trigger. Yeah. He plays a cockney guard in it. Have you seen his performance? Well, I looked at a brief extract on the internet. That's not an extract, that's the whole performance.

Oh, is it? He's only got three lines. Three lines? All right, I don't know, that's not a bad tart. Maybe an extra consonant in their vowel, sorry. He, I can tell you his lines. I think you would both do a better job. Well, he looked fantastic.

He looks incredible. But it's not his fault. I felt that he should have had helmet hair. Let me explain what that is. They all had their helmets like knights of old used to wear, but his hair looked absolutely immaculate, which suggested he arrived, took off his helmet, and then had his hair zhuzhed.

And as you know my view, zhuzh ye not. I see zhuzh. Yeah. And as you know my view, Yeah. But he did, he looked really fair play. I think he did a good job. My problem is that I think villains are better when they're posher. I think posh villains are good. He's not quite posh. But he's gone for the Cockney approach.

Well, I suppose the last footballer that Guy Ritchie plucked out of the sports field to Hollywood. Vinnie. Vinnie was sort of classically Cockney, so it's a tradition now. And also, I think maybe that's what happened. Perhaps Guy Ritchie was thinking, I need a villain, I need someone posh. And perhaps he phoned up for posh and she was busy. I could do it. I'll do it.

There you go. That's how it happened. Anne says, the character says, where do you want me? He says, bouncing on my knee. Where do you think I want you? Anne's on the hill, stupid. Right. I think that'd be better posh.

Yeah. There is another element which I'd like to discuss after this. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Is Old Bexie... Old Bexie. Is that a bit of a Paul Ince the Governor sort of made-up nickname that no-one actually calls him? What, Bex? Well, Bex, I've heard. But not Old Bexie.

Bexie, he was calling him Guy Ritchie, and I thought, I'm not sure that is the name. Isn't it just Guy Ritchie's been, you know, southern? Well, they're new friends, aren't they? They all call each other old, don't they? Oh, yeah. I bet he said Jonesy as well, you know, about Penny Jones. Oh, yeah.

Anyway, there's a bit where, in case you don't know, it's about King Arthur, the film. Can I say it cost $100 million, that film? How many series of Merlin could they have made for that? Good point. Which was about the Arthurian legends in a fabulously interesting and well-put-together way. You won't read that in any of the tabloids about King Arthur.

No, maybe not. You won't read how many series of Merlin could have been made in stage. Anyway, this particular scene is about the bit when they pull the sword out of the stone. Yeah, I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, yeah. It's straight into the biggie. You may remember it featured in the film Sword in the Stone

if you're ever interested in spoilers. I hate it when they give it away in the title, Frank. I thought Bex's reaction when the sword got pulled out, again, not a colloquialism, was I thought that was pretty good. I like that bit. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And interesting, I thought all his bits when he didn't speak were particularly good. And Vinnie Jones, if I remember, doesn't speak to the very end of Lockstock. So maybe that's the way to use... We all remember what he said. Yeah, indeed. It's been emotional. Yeah.

But anyway, so the guy's holding on to the sword, trying to pull it out. The guy, oh, not Guy Ritchie. No. I don't know who the actor is. He's behind, isn't he? He's behind the scenes. Yeah, in a cap. So he's obviously Arthur to be,

and he's pulling on this sword. And you hear David Beckham off camera go, Oi, both hands! Do you? Yeah. Now, there are many things in Batman, but the Oi, both hands sounds like a completely different sound quality to the rest of the film.

I think, and there's no shot of him saying it He's done it in the studio. I think he went away. I think he's Guy Ritchie said can you come in and do Oi Both Hands we really need it for the film and Bex has said I'm a bit busy, I've got a bit of catwalk modelling and a bit of

underpants meeting Can I just send you a sound file? He's done it on the pants meeting. Can I just send you a sound file? He's done it on the mobile phone. Yeah. It's like your... It is like that, though, because he's pointing at this sort of...

It's like a railway station announcement. He's done it in the car. There's traffic, it's a bit muffled. It's not worked This is the downside of having got a major star To do an actor's job Too busy If I'd been an actor, I'd have been like

I'd love to come in and do it in the studio Well I remember the days when you needed I remember the days when you needed an equity card, love Yes But he could get one if he needed one Whatever happened to equity cards? Yes I had an equity card, love. Yes. But he could get one if he needed one. Whatever happened to equity cards? Yes.

I had an equity card. The only thing they ever did for me was to try and stop me doing a TV show. Thanks for that, equity, for listening. Looking back,

it wasn't bad advice. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We'vener on Absolute Radio. We've had a correctionian. Oh, actually, there's a couple. Well, Steve says,

Vinnie Jones has loads of dialogue in Lockstock. It's gone in 60 seconds that he doesn't speak till the end. Apologies, Steve. But you know what? It felt like the moment felt right, and we went for it. I'm very damn full of myself. That's right. We have. We all say sorry, Steve. But you know what? It felt like the moment felt right and we went for it. I've made a damn fool of myself. That's right. We have. We all say sorry. We all say sorry and I feel like

we've inadvertently kicked you in the head with our Gucci shoe. Yes. We didn't mean it. While we're on the subject of apologies, 342 has texted, in the dying seconds of last week's show, when it was too late to text, Emily referred to mac and cheese or

probably i was disappointed frank that you let this pass we have been perfectly happy with macaroni cheese as a name since time began it's a bit of a stretch or at least i don't associate it with perfect happiness i don't associate it with since time began. But you're right, macaroni and cheese is... I can buy that. He goes on to say, this silly Americanism must be resisted. The nation looks to you on matters like this, Frank. Do please be vigilant. Well, I do my best.

Well, hang on. Excuse me, what about me? My feelings and all of this. Oh, hashtag feelings. I'd like to apologise. I did, I was guilty of that. I think what's happened is it's infected me Oh, hashtag feelings. I'd like to apologise. I did, I was guilty of that. I think what's happened is it's infected me because of menus.

I see it on menus all the time. Oh, yeah. And the American corruptions have infected me. I apologise again. There's a, there's a stall on Camden Market that just sells mac and cheese. I think it's called Mac and Cheese. Oh, yeah. I mean, the stall. The stall is called Mac and cheese. I think it's called mac and cheese. Oh yeah? I mean the store. The store is called mac and cheese. I believe so, but hey,

I stand to be corrected. Peter, get yourself down there, be vigilant, get down there and correct them. It never used to be a solo meal, did it? That's the big change. It's not the name. It's that people now just have it on its own. Do they? Yeah, they buy it in little tobs and just eat it like that. That's how big change. It's not the name. It's that people now just have it on its own.

Do they? Yeah, they buy it in little tobs and just eat it like that. That's how I thought it was. I mean, where's the vegetable? Oh, you've changed. Remember, there's kids listening to this show. What happened to you? Where's the greens? Where's the greens in a macaroni cheese?

Yeah. 8, 12, 15. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. And then 904 has been in touch to say, morning, Emily. Specifically addressed to me.

Nice. I wondered if Frank thought the King Arthur film was cheeky, using the TV Merlin actress, the girl who played Morgana in its film. That's from Lottie, who says, I constantly use facts from the show to make myself sound funny. Oh. She uses facts, not jokes.

We don't use that many facts. Well, yeah, to be fair, you say that, but just this morning you've pointed out Isaac Newton was a nasty piece of work for the second time. That's true. I, yeah, to be fair, you say that, but just this morning you've pointed out Isaac Newton was a nasty piece of work for the second time. That's true. I didn't know that they'd used a woman who played Morgana. She was very good as Morgana. But you see, that's what...

People either wanted Merlin or they didn't. Right. Don't say we don't want it and then use it for spare parts. Oh, yeah. Hate that. Anyway, I don't mind a bit of stunt casting, so I'm with David Beckham. It stood me in good stead.

And also, I think it's slightly unfair, slightly unfair to criticise a footballer's acting. We don't criticise actors footballing, do we, when we see them playing? Sometimes. Oh, do we? I take that. What, charity matches and stuff like that?

You go, oh, he's rubbish. They tried to make him look unattractive and they couldn't. Is that what happened? The face is unbreakable. Yeah, he looks perfect in it. And I think if he'd have been an ordinary actor saying that stuff, you wouldn't have even noticed it. Three lines here and there.

Three lines here or there. Three lines here or there. Two of them on set and one of them on his sound file. Apparently he didn't see it as a lark. This Charlie Hunnam, is it Hunnam? Yes, Queer as Folk. His co-star said, I thought it was a lark. I thought he was just going to show up for a laugh

because he's Guy's friend, but he took it all very, very seriously. That's what he said, two verys. I think we already knew that David Beckham took her knighthood very, very seriously. That's what he said, two verys. I think we already knew that David Beckham took her knighthood very, very seriously, didn't we? I think if David Beckham hears his wife singing in the shower and thinks to himself, she's sold 80 million records, you are going to get a can-do mentality,

which you're likely to take into other areas of work. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We haven't visited our special place this week. Well, you know what our special place is. We have many special places. I don't think she means email corner. I suspect she means the Stoney Grant, the revisiting of your... Do you want to... new readers start here i do a live a live panel show on itv on tuesday nights and because it's live yes i know it means that some of the jokes on there that i do um well as i like to board it they fall they fall on stony ground

hence this jingle. Some of them did fall on stony ground. It smells of the grave, which is quite correct. Not this week is my guess, because I have a text here. 786 has texted. Hi, Frank. I was in the studio audience on Tuesday for Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain. You were great. We don't normally read out praise. Come on!

We're going to allow it this time. All your jokes got laughs. All my jokes? I didn't notice any uncomfortable silences. Did you? Wow, did you get a clean sheet, Frank? That's amazing. I didn't quite, I don't think I quite got a clean sheet.

And then we've got a PS. I love a PS. Was that a real cigar that Jonathan Ross had in the bricks? No, that's an e-cigar. He loves them, all those e-cigars. He does. I think the terrible thing is that he bought a stock of e-cigars and now the company's stopped making them

and he's nearing the end. Oh, really? If I could get Jonathan Ross some e-cigars, I would buy them now. So if anyone's got any word on the street on where I can get e-cigars... Last friendship. What they call dead stock in the trainer world.

Dead stock, yeah? Well, I'm hoping there'll be some sort of Huggy Bear figure, shadowy figure, who might help you out on the streets is it what do you mean that tie that you used to put on the sides of um bedposts and stuff you remember that huggy bear no huggy bear huggy bear no well you can put him anywhere i don't like the sound of all of you there. No. I found he was over familiar. We've had... That was lovely, that message you read out. However, I'm afraid Weasel doesn't agree. Weasel says,

Frank nearly made it through with no stony ground, but managed it with butter paws right at the whistle. You know what? He's right. Is he? At the very... The show was ending. My work was done. So tell us what happened. My work was done. You clocked out. And it was about... It was a question about whether parents should be allowed to microchip their children

so they know where they are. Oh, yeah. Right. And, um... I just had one thought right at the end. It was finished. The conversation was finished. It was Xander Armstrong just closing the show, and I said, didn't they used to put butter on their paws? Isn't that... And I managed to squeeze in at the very 11th hour.

Some of them did fall on Tony Brown. And I thought it was a reasonable joke. Frank, also, to end the show on an SG, that's a tough one, isn't it? Because you always like to end on a laugh. I want an explanation. The joke. It's what people used to do with kittens.

Did they? They used to put butter on their paws. So if they wandered off out the house, they would be able to sort of smell the butter and it would take them back. Oh, I see. I thought it was common parlance. Oh. How did the cuckoo spit material go down?

Well, I think that's next week. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but so, yeah, so I managed at the last minute to create a little pocket of silence. Oh. It wouldn't be the same without an SG. No, exactly. I was alright with it to be honest. That isn't true, I absolutely lied

about it. I was gutted. It's like the flaw in the rug. I don't want you to think because I'm talking about these things that they don't hurt me tremendously. Everyone, every joke that doesn't work is like somebody punching me in the stomach very, very hard. I thought that was clear throughout.

You would get it, but people think he doesn't care, Frank. No, you're wrong about that, I must say. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I think butter paws might be a thing. I've got some proof. 417. Do you think it might be a thing. I've got some proof. 417. Do you think it might be a thing? How dare you?

I had my doubts. I had my doubts. Frank, we used to put butter on the cat's paws as a kitten, but she used to eat it and then just wander off for days on end. I didn't say it worked. I wasn't championing it. I thought you were doing the PR for them. 424 says putting butter on the paws

anchors them to the house. It anchors them? Meanwhile, 424 also says... Is that a pun on anchor butter? Oh, maybe it is. No way. It doesn't get bought by me. I like that.

Very good. I'm surprised someone said we didn't put it on my cat Flora, too. Really go for it with all the margarines. Yeah. So, this week's texting. What do people get out of visiting Madame Tussauds? 8, 12, 15 there. What do they...

Why? Why do they go? Is it like going to an art gallery? Is it that kind of thrill? Or is it like seeing celebrities? Is it that kind of thrill? Well, also... Somewhere in the middle.

Don't they just look at the pictures online of the celebrities? Well, they're everywhere now, celebrities. You can see them on television, for example. Yeah. Whereas, is it better to sit them in the in the wax but why what's the lure what is the lure of it i don't get it i find it downright creepy and always have done even as a child well yes can i can i moot a subsequent text moot away how threatened are madam two swords by the the advent of 3D printing?

Which, I mean, that could pose a problem. Well, I don't know. They seem confident in their skin. They do, don't they?

In their waxy skin. And they still do this weird PR opportunity where the celebrity poses with their wax work done. Now that is one of the great photographic clichés.

There's somebody, it would be like Petula Clark looking at the wax Petula Clark. That used to be... I would put that up there in the three great photo clichés of with Slimmer of the Year holding out their former trousers to show how much space there is in them and, of course, a line of working-class women kicking their legs simultaneously into the air.

Yeah. If you can think of any other photographic clichés from the newspapers... Yeah, I've got one. Go on. What about the lottery winner with the glass of champagne? Oh, yes. Holding an oversized cheque. Hello. Big cheque. Love a big cheque. Yeah. Oh, yes. Holding oversized check. Hello. Big check. Love a big check.

Fantastic. Arsenal. I, um... I got that joke, yeah. What about disgruntled woman holding bag of crisps and holding a roasted mouse head? Ha, ha, ha!

I haven't been to Madame Tussauds for a time. It seems to me that standards have dropped as far as I can tell. Well, that's because you're not Italian and wearing a cowboy hat. No, but I drove past the other day. I think you have to get in a multicoloured backpack. It's the only way you can get in. I drove past it the other day and they were advertising Spider-Man. What? Well, I mean, I could were advertising Spider-Man. What? Well, I mean, I could make a Spider-Man waxwork.

Could you? Just get the outfit. You know what? You could just put the mask over a cantaloupe. Or, Frank, probably just stole a mannequin from River Island. Yes, exactly. They're not using them anymore. Yeah.

Julie seems to be a fan of Madam Two Swords. Oh, okay. Can she tell me what she gets out of it? She gets out of it, where else could you give Albert Einstein and Usain Bolt a hug in one day? Well, can you give them a hug, though? I don't think that's allowed, Julie.

Probably my parents' front room at some point. I don't know if you're allowed to. I mean, because what they're going to do, they're going to get arm-shaped indentations where the body temperature has softened the wax. 124 has messaged us, what about the pretty female sixth formers celebrating their A-level results by jumping in the air knees bent?

Ah, yes. Very good. We had one that used to get in our local papers, was if anyone did well at school, which didn't happen that much in our area, I remember a girl had qualified to study geography at a university. They had a picture of her in a mortarboard hat, which no one's worn in education except for ceremonies for a long time,

and holding a map of the world. All there. All there. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Don't forget the texting. What do people get out of visiting Madam Tussauds? 8, 12, 15? We have got an answer to that. Have we?

We've also received many suggestionaires for... Photographic clichés. Photographic clichés. Photographic clichés. I mean, tons of them. PC's. I don't know if you knew that you were about to open a Pandora's box of tech. You've lit up the switchboard. Have I?

Yeah, we should get a photo of a lit-up switchboard. I don't know where to begin. Go on. I'll find a place. What about Matt? Olympians biting their medals. That's a good one. That is.

What about local councillor in hard hat viewing leisure facility being pulled? Oh, excellent. Ed Hassett, people holding a big fish they've just caught. Yeah. Yeah, especially in Anglin times. Oh, yeah, that happens a lot. We've had a lot of...

Jason, who's one of our regulars, so I'll go to him. My favourite is when two people pretend to push the leaning tower of Pisa. Is that a press one or is that one that people do? That's more of a street photo. Well, Mrs Trellis has got one which is definitely a press one, which is angry mother holding up letter with sad child in background. I mean, unspecified reason. Yeah. But this does happen.

What about horse's face? Horse's face? How dare you? In some of the horse racing papers and the sports pages sometimes, you get a picture of a horse's face. And I thought, what have I gained from seeing that?

It'll sound like, you know, Magic Minstrel, 230 Kempton. But I thought, oh, that's what he looks like. Keep an eye out for him. And it's probably not him. I never recognise them when they're not in their racing jerseys. Take your phone down to the photo bloke. Say, have you got a picture of Magic Minstrel?

Um, what colour is he? Brown? Yes. Yes, I've got him. The thing is, I've said this before, the celebrity horse, those days are over. No, that's true. These were people in 3am columns, these horses.

Also on a sporting theme, we've got Frank and Associates, Photo Cliché, Snooker playing team, all lined up to hit the same cue ball. Oh, yes. Shudder. Yes. And proud pet owner holding heroic and often oversized cat or rabbit.

Less pride nowadays. Hint of shame, I think, in the obese pet. True. So the Madam Two Swords email, I feel like you'll enjoy this. It's informative. Madam Two Swords, maybe people go to Two Swords

for the uncanny valley effect, which is the attraction slash revulsion we feel towards figures that look almost human, but not quite. And there's a book recommendation you should read, We're All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler, if you're really interested in this.

Victorian automatons are brilliant for this too. Automatons? Yeah, whatever. Automatons, yes. But an automaton, you've got a bit more going on there. Indeed, but maybe that's what it's for. We've had some criticism as well.

What? Well, let's come. Of two swords? No, of our trashing swords. Oh. Oh, really? someone's upset with us let's hear it is it from M

come on ok ok 774 people who cease to view the world without wonderment should not be on the radio Madame Tussauds is a British institution leave it alone yes hence the name Madame Tussauds is a British institution. Leave it alone. Yes, hence the name.

Also without wonderment. Madame Tussauds. Very British. I believe she fled from the reign of terror, if I remember rightly, where she used to make death masks of the severed heads. Now we're supposed to sympathise with her. I don't think so.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I'd just like to briefly return to 774's correspondence. Which one was that? Well, we got ticked off for dissing Madame Tussauds. Oh, yeah. And 774 had said, people who cease to view the world without wonderment, which I think might be a double negative that doesn't actually work

because I think if we cease to view it without wonderment... We used to view it without wonderment, but now we view it with wonderment. Yeah. Those people should not be on the radio. Yes. I mean, I don't want to be picky, but I think after the mac and cheese, I feel I've been placed in a position where pedantry is my

mission sorry about that going to have to withdraw that so what I'd like to know about Madam Two Swords, I know their fans are gathering do they still as a gimmick, remember this is the place

we're supposed to love as a British institution do they still put as a gimmick, remember this is the place we're supposed to love as a British institution, do they still put the 20th century murderers in their actual clothes? They used to brag about the fact that there were suits that the murderers actually owned and had worn. So they used, you know, if you went and saw John Reginald Christie, he was wearing his own shirt and tie and pinstripe suit. Oh, that's so creepy. There's something very creepy about that.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved it at the time. I'm interested by that. When do they stop with these murderers as well? How recent can you go? I mean, if you keep them 20th century, I suppose you're giving them a bit of distance. But, you you know I mean do they do topical stuff

at Madden too? I don't think so well now they've got Spiderman of course my own waxworks come round and see my Mexican wrestlers tableau on the subject we were talking about sorry famous Nazis, there used to be a famous Nazis one

and they'd all be in a little enclosure looking like they were in a VIP box at some sports event. Which I'm sure they often were. Certainly the Jesse Owens Olympics. But they used to have them all. I remember there was a very, very good Rudolf Hess. But they probably had a better look at him as he landed in Scotland. But again, famous Nazis, is that alright?

No. Absolutely not. What about the obscure Nazis? They did their bit. Anyway, carry on. We've had a missive in from, you know, we were also talking about sort of photo cliches. Oh, yes. And 598 is complaining, saying the photographer from the staff magazine

wants us to pose after a charity run with our shoes and socks off, rubbing our feet after the run. I think you should refuse. Yeah. You're better than that. Do it. Why? Because you'll look back on that with affection.

No, it's the same moment that photographers say to you, can you do something wacky? And you go, no. Well, yeah, that's how you end up. No, I just did something wacky. Oh, did you? Hello, we were of the year. Over there.

You've been in one of those photos. What about when I was on a red carpet and I gave a thumbs up in a picture and the bloke said, we never use thumbs up pictures unless it's Paul McCartney. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. There was a... Oh, sorry. Go on.

I was just going to say, we've had a photo cliché from Ian in Jelangal. New driver tearing up L plates. Now, I think that happened a lot, but now L plates are sort of a plasticky thing. Yeah, they take some ripping now. I wonder if ripping up L-plates could be a whatever happened to, as well as a photo cliché.

I think a little tip there if there's anyone out there, when you go for your test take some wire cutters for your L-plates. Just in case you pass. I have a question on the why do people go to Madame Two Swords theme. Go on.

In Blackpool, there used I have a question on the why do people go to Madame Two Swords theme. Go on. Who started? In Blackpool, there used to be a Louis Two Swords. There was a family rivalry going on. Oh, like, how did that some puma? I believe the Jonathan Ross family are big fans of that. Of Louis Two Swords? Yes. I was a big fan for all the wrong reasons of one.

We already had a Western Supermare resident in. Western Supermare used to have a waxworks. The biggest load of rubbish I've ever seen in my life. Wonder if that's there. Is that what it's called? And they had Muhammad Ali in there. They could have just called it a black person. Looked absolutely nothing like him whatsoever.

Awful. Anyway, if it's still open, can I say I really enjoyed it? I recommend you go. What else is happening in your lives? Well, I had an incident which I'd like to discuss with you both. Oh, a Paul incident. Yeah. The governor.

Just call me the governess. Okay. The governess. I was in my North London manor taking my dog Ray out for a walk this week. I'm walking, I'm not sure what the direction is. I wouldn't be able to tell the policeman, give a full statement but it was up the hill. Were you proceeding in a north-easterly direction? I proceeded.

I look over to the pub on my left there's a child, I'm going to go nine years old, maybe ten, playing a trumpet and he's playing the theme to Star Wars, repeatedly. Which theme? The main one? Am I allowed to sing it or will we have to pay someone? That's alright. We know the to sing it or will we have to pay someone?

That's all right. We know the one we mean. It's sort of about the beginning of it, yeah? Oh, yeah. He's playing those notes over and over and over again. It's a great tune. It's a great tune. I was really happy with it.

He looked quite cool. He had this kind of black bob. He was a very cool kid. What, a sheepdog? I suddenly see this guy. There was a sheepdog called Black Bob. He used to be in the dandy. At one point, this man comes out,

and he's trying to have a phone conversation. He's obviously irritated. And he thinks this boy is a weirdo. So he says, I'm sorry, I can hardly hear myself think that some seven-year-old playing Star Wars. And I got irritated by this man, because I liked that kid singing for his supper. See, if I'd have been the seven year old I'd have thought

well he recognised it And also it was the fact that he was trying to put him down by knocking two or three years off his age Yeah That was a low blow So I went over and he had the case open, the trumpet case and I put some money in it

so I put 70p in it, that's all I had Okay I'd say there were about case and I put some money in it. So I put £70 in it. That's all I had. Okay. I'd say about, there were about at least £12, £5 in there. That's all I had. And he suddenly stopped playing. He came running over to me in the most middle class voice and he went, what are you doing? I just had my music case open.

I said, I'm so sorry. I thought you were busking. Oh. So I'm practicing. So I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. So I left it. Hold on, so he's practicing in the street? Yeah, he was practicing in the street. Then a woman comes over, she says, can't you play something else?

I said, well, he's just practicing. I wish you'd have then played something else by Eddie Cochran. I got quite angry and defensive on his behalf. I said, no, you carry on as you were with Star Wars. It was great. You carry on with that. Gave the woman a filthy look. Walked down, came back.

Suddenly there was what looked to be his twin. Also playing a trumpet. Also now playing Star Wars. What? So I thought, the 70p's gone, may I add. Yeah? So I thought, this is getting quite strange. What happened then is so surreal,

you're going to think I'm lying and I promise I'm not Julian Barrett from the Mighty Boots walks out of the pub and starts conducting them so I he's got two kids well maybe it was him, I mean at that point

there's no punchline to this, I just don't know what happened I just had to leave, it was getting too strange but maybe it's his children if so they were fantastic There's no punchline to this. I just don't know what happened. I just had to leave. It was getting too strange. But maybe it's his children. If so, they were fantastic and they were very good trumpeters. But how much stranger could it have got? This isn't one of those links where we analyse dreams, is it? This is a real story. Did I miss Emily?

I had a weird dream that you need to analyse. What about in Edinburgh when, in an attempt to be light-hearted, I went up to a didgeridoo player and said can you play all by myself by Eric Carman and he just glowered glowered that's the word I think. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio Morning team, first time text the long term listener Some praise of the show which I'll ignore obviously On the subject of Madam Two Swords I can't help feeling it's for the kind of people Who still have the imagination that enables them to believe They are standing next to Darth Vader or Spider-Man

Adults should just sit back, pay the bill And be happy that their kids are happy It does not matter what adults think of it. It's not meant for us. I'm struggling to get past the pay the bill and be happy. That's not 492. What do we say to 492? I don't think it's sold as a children's entertainment.

Lots of adults go there without children to look at. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm asking what is the thrill of it? What are you... Is it like... I mean, for example, there's a sculptor called Ron Moork. Do you know him?

And he makes incredibly realistic human beings of various sizes. I don't feel the same, Madam Tussauds, as I do there. Also, I don't necessarily think if the kids are happy that that's necessarily... Anyway, this is by the by. Are they still the murderer's real suits?

8, 12, 15. So what about my dog groomer, Sophie? Who's lovely. She looks after all my canine grooming needs. Shout out to Sophie. You're doing a shout out. I won't do a shout out, but I take Ray there regularly

and they have a lovely relationship. But she's a young girl and she and I get on very well. And we were chatting. I don't like the way this is going. Well, I didn't like the way it was going either because she asked me how old I was, which obviously I'll never announce on the radio show.

She did what? She did. I told her. Not something I do often announce on the radio show. She did what? She did. I told her, not something I do often, but I trust her. You told her? This is like the name of Doctor Who. Never to be uttered. She then said, which I think she thought was a nice thing to say, she said, oh my God, I can't believe you're so old.

Wow. Have we got a ticking clock? That's what we need for that. I'm trying to think of anything. It was aux, right? Yes. So what's worse? That.

I do love Sophie. The other thing, we've got to, I know we're wrapping up, but what about when I got on a cab this week and I put my makeup on and he said as I was about to get out, oh my God god so different

which is worse that's that Roy Woods wizard makeup you wear I've told you he actually said I can't believe it he was Spanish he was Spanish he said I cannot believe it's so different still it suggests you know you're getting your money's worth out of that anyone She said, I cannot believe it. So different. Still, it suggests, you know, you're getting your money's worth out of that. If anyone can find his body in the woodland area, good luck. Oh, wow. Is he in a clearing? Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning.

And I think we, could you bring on the feathers? The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.