The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Currency Figures

Episode Date: November 19, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by The Divine Miss Em and Gareth Richards. Frank has suffered a public humiliation and the team discuss Rooney at the wedding, not leaving the house and Frank's face on a five-pound note.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. Hey, what about that? Have you got a jingle for him? What about this one? Whatever happens... Wow. Saturday morning! That is one sick burn, Frank. You can, yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I leaned on the baby bio. Text the show at 8.12.15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's lovely to see you, Gareth, as ever. Thank you. I love you. It's always good to start the show in floods of tears.

Come on. It's good, though. It's very cleansing. thank you I love you it's always good to start the show in floods of tears come on you it's good though it cleanses it's very cleansing yeah gets all the you know that sleep

you feel better afterwards don't you can I say one of my favourite things about the human body is sleep I'm so relieved you said that

obviously it's changed over the years I love the fact that sleep a very sort of abstract concept, it can be, you can actually hold it, you can hold it in your hands. You know when you're picking out the corners of your eyes?

Oh, that sort of sleep. I see what you mean, yes. But it comes from, it's all sleep. I love it. I wish things like worry, if you could hold a little bit of worry in your hand or compassion. If there was some sort of residue that came from worry that would crust over and then you could just pick out. You could remove it from your body.

Or fear. I suppose there is a residue that comes from fear. Just let it dry, pick it out. Oh, no, please. Just FYI, Frank likes to start the show with some of his esoteric stuff. No, I think it's an interesting... Do I? Yeah. Okay.

Can I say that I had exactly that shirt? Which shirt? You're not looking at me, are you? The shirt that Gareth's wearing. And why I remember it is a man had my face tattooed on his chest. He didn't. And wearing that shirt. Right. Yeah.

Well, I've got a surprise for you. All right. And he said, oh, yeah, there you are, just next to my ex-wife. And someone told me that I saw this man recently. and someone told me that they saw this man recently, and he showed them the tattoo, but he's aged quite a bit. Oh, dear. And I've sagged somewhat.

So it's a bit like, you know the picture of Dorian Gray, they ask you what, it's like the tattoo of Dorian Gray. So I'm still boyish in appearance. And my tattoo has fallen into disarray. It's not saggy. Yeah. That's good. There you go.

Who'd have thought? Who'd have thought? 8, 12, 15. So here's the thing. I think this will balance things out a bit. Yes. Gareth? Hmm?

This will balance. Yes. Can you find listening is absolutely crucial? I'm paying attention. Yeah. I've got my undivided attention, I promise. I was on a... At a charity do at the weekend.

Oh, yeah. And I had put a prize into the... Into the auction, which was four tickets to see Room 101 recorded. Oh. Second prize, eight tickets. Yeah, well, exactly. Well, don't speak too soon,

because all these things were going, and then it got to it, and he said, right, we'll start, and they'd put it last as if it was going to be the big... Oh, it's the big prize. Yeah, prize of the night. Who was the auctioneer? I don't know his name.

Oh, OK. Did he have a moust the prize of the night. Who's the auctioneer? I don't know his name. Oh, okay. Did he have a moustache and a pocket watch? And a waistcoat? No, I think he auctioned that. Oh, okay. They've always got a moustache. I can't remember if he had. I don't think he had a moustache.

Anyway, so he said, oh, it's still for £1,000. Hey, £1,000. Anyone. Come on. Come on. Come on. And then the come on come on come on and then the come on I don't mind come on from an auctioneer I don't mind, oh come on

and that's the way anyway, it went for £1000 he didn't manage to get someone he did but how will you watch your own show though? exactly well I'll just give them to the homeless For the starting price But how will you watch your own show though? Exactly Well I'll just give them to the homeless

So that was for four tickets But how much do they normally go for? They're free Yeah you see I know but you know Well I'm going down this week and I'm sure he's selling nothing Don't feel you have to tell us that in advance And well I

You know they get to go in the green room and there's the soft cheese and free alcohol. Anyway, I'm very grateful to them that bought. But a man then came up to me after, I've got to tell you this, and said to me, to be honest, we thought we'd get a lot more than that. Oh, no. And I thought, this can't get any worse. I saw my entire career flash before me.

And then, afterwards, I was just saying goodbye to some people, and this guy came over. He said, don't feel too bad about that price. I thought, please. And this was what he said. He said, a lot of the people here tonight, they weren't living here in the 90s, so they don't know who you are. No! A lot of the people here tonight, they weren't living here in the 90s, so they don't know who you are. Oh, my God.

No! Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text-in from the outside world. OK. I appreciate I'm giving that something of an over-the-top fanfare, as if we only get one text. But this is from David Capellian, and he has said,

Watching the morning news, I've just seen a picture of Frank on a £5 note. Discuss. Well, that means you're either the queen... Well, can I say, we just got that text through during the song and I actually heard myself saying for the first time in my life, do I look like Churchill? And I suggested it as a text in. It's something that's never occurred to me before,

the possibility that I look like Churchill. Do you look like Churchill? I mean, not massively. Well, I don't think particularly look like Churchill. Is this the new £5 note they're talking about? Yes, the plastic one. OK, because the old one was either the Queen or Elizabeth Fry. I do look a bit like Elizabeth Fry.

How can it be? Yeah, I've got that pale look of someone who hangs around in prisons. Oh, you look a bit like the Queen, darling. Do you think? Oh, wait, no, no, no, no. I think it must be the other one. Who's that? George Stevenson.

Do I look like him? Well, I think you look more like him than you do Churchill, Elizabeth Frye. Thank God I've established which currency-based historical figure I look like most. Yes, OK. He's got that. There used to be one with John McEnroe

and the Queen. Do you remember that? He wasn't on a £5 note, was he? You could bend a fiver or something and you put a bald head on the Queen, or a balding head, and it made her look like John McEnroe. It really did work brilliantly. It really did look like John McEnroe. But I think you'll

find that that has now gone out of circulation. Okay. Like so many jokes. Take, for example, I went out with a mermaid once, fabulous figure, 36, 24 and three and six a pound. Now, of course, three and six a pound. It's such a great joke and it's been lost. Did you do that one of your Room 101 recordings? I might do. Now I know what they're worth. I should say I'm very grateful for the people who bought it. And it was for charity, so it's all good. I, myself... Look, £1,000 isn't to be sniffed at.

No. However, you... You wouldn't have said that in the 80s. How dare you? That is so accurate. Because, and I'll tell you what though, Frank, you do always want it to be higher than the asking price, don't you? In an auction.

It's just the embarrassment. It's a social embarrassment. There is no asking price. But I mean, I paid £600 for a bag, which sounds like a quote from the first Wayne Rooney scandal. But I don't have no idea how much it would actually cost. But you're not buying a bag. Yeah, 10p usually, if it's a bag for life.

No, no, it's not one of those bags. It was leather. I mean, actually, are you familiar with the make Trossardi? Yes. OK, well, that's what with the make Trossardi? Yes. OK. Well, that's what it was. I'm not going to say anything about it. Oh.

It's not good news for anyone. You know what I would say, I would describe it as? Go on. Fine. OK. Fine leather, that's good. Absolutely fine, if that's your thing. Well, I paid 600 quid for it.

Ooh. You know, it was really good charity. Did you buy it for a lady? No, it's a man's bag. No, it's not. It says on it. It might say on it, it's not a man's bag. It definitely is.

It says on the label. This is awkward. It has the word man on the label. Man, oh man. Oh, God. It's almost like they're protesting too much, Frank. Anyway. He bought a lady's bag, £600.

I made it up. I didn't buy a trussard bag. I bought a truss. Can you still get a truss? There used to be lots of... It used to be a big part of... Oh, hold on a minute. The truss.

There used to be lots of jokes in Britishish comedy about a truss yeah used to say because it's it there's one concerning a famous director which we won't go into it's a sort of a um well put it the joke was oh my my uncle owned a truss factory and i've relied on him for support my whole life it's a sort of garment that you wear if you've got, like, a hernia or something like that. For men. Yeah. I'm just explaining it to Sarah, but I'm explaining it to our younger viewers at the same time. It's a supportive, yes.

I said viewers, I know. Supportive. Yes. Struts are involved. I wonder what's happened to, if you can still get a truss. I'm sure you can. Okay, so, so far on 8.12.15, we've got, do I look like Churchill? And can you still get a freeze this morning's texting

and from my conversation with the driver this morning do you still need antifreeze and when's the last time you saw a car with a sign that said running in on it 8.12.15 Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. We've had a text in, Frank, about... Another one? Well, it's about trusses. Oh, OK. Which is an extraordinary turn of events. It is.

This is from Cathy Wall in Levington Spa. Any relation to Max? I'm not sure. I hope so. Carry on. Hi, to Max? I'm not sure. I hope so. Carry on. Hi, Frank. I'm a pharmacist. And yes, you can still get trusses.

Oh, good. They're very rarely prescribed now, though, mostly for old people who can't have surgery. They're available for men and women. Oh. There's elastic band, and then there's the lethal spring type. Hope that helps.

There's a spring? Well, I'm very intrigued by the lethal spring type. Hope that helps. There's a spring? Well, I'm very intrigued by the lethal spring type. That's what Zebedee used to wear. Yes. On the Magic Round. I'm glad they still exist. They were a mainstay. Les Dawson mentioned them every eight to ten minutes in his act,

I would say. Right. That's my truss count of the Les Dawson back catalogue. I suppose it'd be the front catalogue in this respect. Yeah. And then Gareth was looking at currency, weren't you? Yes, I mean, I think, was it John Stevenson? George.

George Stevenson. I think that's probably who it was, but I'd very dearly like to know what that person meant about how he thought you looked on there. Perhaps he's just sent it in. He's just like he's thrown a firework in the barrel of kittens. Sabotage? Ah, Cochran. I knew it.

Oh, yeah, of course. We've had another text, 274. How do you go through life sober? Very happily, thank you very much. OK. See, you don't get the highs, but you don't get the lows. Good night. Here's Whitesnake.

Yeah. And there'll be more reformed alcoholic advice from Frank Skinner tomorrow night on Radio 4. And now, a book of bedtime. Danny Dyer reads Homer's Iliad. How much do I want that to exist? Look, my voice cracked. I was with emotion. So, I did Good Morning Britain this week.

Well, I know. I saw it. Oh, did you see it? Who sees it? I do. Congratulations for being on. I do. It's breakfast television. It's ITV's breakfast television. A newsy? Quite news-heavy is it? No. Well, you know, it is. It is. It's not just

fluffy and light, is it? I mean, paring zomp. I'll tell you who I really like is Susanna Reid. I like her. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you who I really like is Susanna Reid. I like her. Oh, yeah. I find her, you know, I find her pleasing to look at in the morning. Aye, aye.

This is the current climate. They don't care. They just come out with it. I mean, it's fine. And I just think she's got a nice manner. OK? I haven't been to her house. I am... And there's Piers Morgan as well.

Yes. Wow. It was, well, Nigel Farage was on before me. Nigel Farage, I've decided to call him from now on. Nigel Farage. Well, no, but the thing is, he's all for the, you know, let's stay as English as we can be. And not many salt-of-the- the earth English people say garage

they say garage none of your fancy foreign ways so I think so Nigel Farage was on before me yes and guess what Frank said at one point Frank said to Piers Morgan after Nigel Farage had left well this is a verse for you

Piers not being the most unlikable person on the sofa well i didn't mean in between those two i felt like an absolute the most loved man in britain he was actually quite entertaining old pierce walker yeah because he just goes completely he doesn't ask the normal because i was on plugging something obviously i was plugging my sky Arts programme. Well, you were plugging it and you got quite angry at one point because they carried on the chat

and Piers was asking all sorts of questions about football. Donald Trump. A lot of your 90s stuff. And he, at one point, Frank got a bit knocked. Who are you? He got a bit knocked. He said, well, I am here to plug the show. Well, I have to do the plug. I'm going to get in trouble. He said that well, I am here to plug the show. Well, I have to do the plug.

I'm going to get in trouble. He said that? I once was plugging that exact same show on Sky Breakfast with Eamon Holmes. And he never got round to asking me about it. To the point where I thought, oh, maybe I'm not on to plug that. We just talked about my tour. And when I got into the green room after, the PR woman was actually in tears. Because I hadn't mentioned it

and was being consoled by Daniel O'Donnell. Wow. I know. It's quite a sight. That is a really good commitment to your work. Well, I saw him later on. Because when I was doing the rounds. Who's that?

No, I saw Daniel O'Donnell. O'Donnell. On another show. And he said, now make sure you plug the right thing today. I thought, Daniel. Oh.

He's a rascal. Frank Skinner on the radio. Um, yes, so, as I went on to the set

of Good Morning Britain, Matt? Farage was just leaving and I, I had a chance. Did you see him? I could walk right past him and we either have to handshake or we don't. But I went the other side of the camera.

So we passed within about seven feet of each other, but I avoided actual. Okay. Don't want to be shaking hands in front of the camera either. Well, he gave me his business card once. Oh, okay. Have you called him no okay look i don't want to jump on the anti-farage bandwagon um i don't know him he might be lovely but i'm i was wary of him and also i don't think he'd be good for your brand right now you've become you've

become a i don't have a brand. Well, you do. But I've also worked out that even though I was about seven feet from him, the whole left side of my body suddenly became very furious about the free movement of Labour. Really? Yes. Very odd experience.

The reason I knew he was there is when I arrived in my dressing room, there was a security guard pacing up and down, but, I mean, not in a uniform. Why? In a suit. Was he wearing jewellery? Yeah, you know, they have that curly bit around the ear. Yes.

And he was, so Farage was sitting in his dressing room, and he had the door open. He was sitting by the door, and he was talking to this security guard through the gap in the door very reminiscent of when someone has to bring you paper to the toilet and you have to hand it round

the door I'm hoping that wasn't happening So is that his security do you think? It must be, he must get a full timer Oh And who does he talk to on the headset? Is there backup or is the headset to suggest that there is backup somewhere But there isn't really backup?

That's a very good question I imagine maybe there's a driver or something Well, who's paying for the security? Well, that's a whole other question I don't know the answer to that Text in on 81250. Tromple stilt skin. Frank Skinner

on the radio. Have you caught up with the old Brexit concept now? I think so. It was a big moment on the show where I asked Gareth about Brexit. He said, I've never heard of it. It was some time. I think it was the early days of Brexit. Well, was it? It was some time, I think it was the early days of Brexit.

Well, was it? It was about a month before the referendum. Anyway, you've caught up, it was good. Yeah, we all love it now. But I have fantasised about having a security guard. Have you? Wouldn't it be great?

Wherever you went, if anybody said to you well, these people weren't living here in the 90s, so that's why they don't know who you are, you could just have them bundled off. I think it would be worth it just because it would make you look so petite, which is always a plus in my view. Yeah, and they always look bad in a suit, of course. It's like when I hung out with the world's strongest men briefly.

I just felt so lovely and small, and I enjoyed that. Now I can see the lure of that. I love the idea of saying, Reginald, can I sit on your shoulders for a bit? Oh, all right, get up. Up you go. And then just get down the street sitting on his back, just tying with his curly bit.

But you know what, Frank? I thought you did really well on that show. Thank you. You're so supportive. Well, I'm like a trust in that respect. You are, yes. Elasticated or spring. Yeah.

But you plugged your show and I was relieved because there was a tense moment and I could see the music. You know when the music comes in for Lorraine? Yes. And I thought, oh no, the music's coming in and he's not plugged the show. And that little bit of late aggression, there's a little spurt. And you know, oh, no, the music's coming in and he's not plugged the show. And that little bit of last minute, late aggression,

there's a little spurt. And you think what you're mentioning? No, it's very important. I once saw a clip of Milton Berle, the American comic, and he used to do sketches with various guests. And he had this blonde model type 50s woman who didn't look like she'd done a lot of acting. She was in a sketch

and you could see he was just about to do his punchline and she went to speak coming too early and his arm went out to stop her. I'm not kidding you. Had the wall of the studio been falling over, he would have held it up long enough to do that punchline. The arm went out and she stopped.

She absolutely stopped in her tracks and then he delivered the punchline and everything was okay. Ah, comedy. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we may have

got partly into the answer of me being on a fiver. Nothing to do with George Stevenson. Turns out I don't look like Churchill. We're getting closer, aren't we? You were featured on, or your visage was, this morning on Sky News,

and I have evidence of this. I spoke with the Chancellor this morning. I have in my hand, not a piece of paper, but a Twitter screen grab. Screen? Screen grab. That's what would happen now. If Hitler was around now, but a Twitter screen grab. Screen? Screen grab. That's what would have happened now. If Hitler was around now, someone would have come back and said,

I spoke to the German Chancellor. I have in my hand a Twitter screen grab. A face reply. I spoke to the German Chancellor. I have a gif in my hand. That's another story. But it is someone appears to have mocked up someone at Sky News. Boffins have been up all night.

Boffins? Mocking up a £5 note with your face on it, Frank Skinner. Yes. But we don't know why. No, we don't know why. And also, Gareth, rather unfortunately, there's a rather serious news headlock caption underneath with the rolling news. Well, it's always a problem when you're on the news.

There's all sorts of other terrible things going on. There's a big picture of Frank and then it says there are now no food or medical supplies left. Yes, exactly. Well, they're just judging from my appearance. Yeah, so I don't know. I'm presuming there was

a series of minor celebrities transposed onto FIFAs in some sort of comic sequence. Who else made it on? Russell Grant, come on. Russell Grant, I don't think you'd get on a Fiverr. I don't think you're going to have to go up to 20 at least. 50. It's a pity France doesn't have Franks anymore

because that would have been perfect for Euro. Oh, yes. Still not worked out the Brexit thing. Hasn't even got the euro sorted. Behind. I don't want the last word to be behind before we go into the news. So, please,

if you know what that was about on Sky News, we'd like to make an appeal for any information. Come forward. This man was seen on the news. If anyone knows why. And your names will be obviously handled confidentially, so don't worry. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'll have some hot breaking news. We have news on...

Breaking news here on Absolute Radio. Why Frank was on... Well, it's us reporting something that happened on Sky News. In case you've just joined us, someone said, I've just seen you on a five-pound note on the television. We were confused. It's not something that happens that often.

Frank got a little bit insecure that someone was saying he looked like Winston Churchill. Yeah, exactly. Or flattered that he looked like the Queen. Yeah. God bless her. But now you've got the answer now.

Yes. So what they have said is that in Birmingham, they're considering having a Birmingham Pound. Oh. A system like they've done in Bristol where it's like a local currency to make sure people

spend that money in local shops. Good idea. Mmm. Two other celebrities were pictured. Let me guess. Ozzy Osbourne. Yes. Correct. And Jasper Carrot. Correct. Nailed it. On both counts. Nailed it. It's like the

Birmingham Walk of Fame. Yeah. That's, well fabulous. What other Birmingham famous people are there? There's plenty of others. Oh, Cat Dealey and Adrian Childs. Yeah. They're not an item. They're two separate individuals. Breaking news! Cat Dealey and Adrian Child.

Kat Dealey a big star in America now. Yeah, kind of. She's had a baby with Patrick Gilday. Oh yes, of course. So there you go. And people, yeah, we've had loads more people, 264, all to do with Birmingham getting its own currency.

That's put my mind at rest. I thought there was some... I'd been found to be part of some money laundering scam. If it helps, I think out of that triumvirate, Ozzy Osbourne, Jasper Carra and yourself, you look the best. Thanks very much. OK.

Have you seen the other mock-ups? Or do you mean just generally? Just generally. Oh, OK. Yeah, I think Arcee would be a good figure to have on it now. I've never seen anyone on currency in shades. It's about time that that taboo was broken. Particularly with those tiny little Gary Oldman Dracula round shades,

which I believe he wears, doesn't he? The purple Dracula shades. If you had to vote for someone in shades to be on the new Fiverr, I have to say, rightly or wrongly, mine would have to be... Who would you go? Orbison? No, Carlos the Jackal. Oh, man, that picture of Carlos the Jackal, which I've studied many times.

Has he got shades on him? Yeah, he's got one of those yellowy sort of shades. He has. But what always gets me about it is he's got one colour in and one colour out, the Jackal. And as if someone couldn't have said, oh, Carlos, come here a minute. There you go.

OK, smile. And that photo's gone everywhere, let's face it. Oh, yeah. Gaddafi wore good shades. Did he? It'd be a good, yeah, Gaddafi mirror shades. Oh, did he wear the mirror aviators? Am I imagining that?

Oh, I'm expecting that. Maybe that was just when we hung out. That might be a good text in unexpected places we've seen shades. Well, if, maybe there should be a special... I've never seen the Pope in shades, for example. If the Pope did wear shades, I think he should go for a good old-fashioned Ray-Ban. Keep it simple.

Yeah, do you think? Keep it simple at Pontifex. I'd like to see him in those. You know those Elvis ones with the holes in that thing? Because it sort of goes with the white suit. That's what they were designed for originally. I call those the... Thank you very much.

Shades. Most surprising person you've seen in shades. 8, 12, 15. Love it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. So this week I was reading about Wayne Rooney.

Oh, yeah. Because he was... And I need some clarification. But you were reading about him. He. Oh, yes. Because he was... And I need some clarification. But you were reading about it. What, in the British Library? I was reading about it. I went to the library. Is this your thesis?

You're not someone else claiming he's the missing link. No, because... So, he's got into trouble. I'm not entirely... I think you'll find he's got into a little bit of trouble. He's got into a little bit of trouble. He's got into a little bit of trouble because for gate-crashing a wedding at a hotel. So was he staying at the hotel?

He was staying at the hotel. Because he was training with the England men. Well, he'd played for... Come on, Gareth. He played for England against Scotland. When was that? It was the aftermath. The day before? That was last Friday. Friday, OK. We He played for England against Scotland. When was that? It was the aftermath. The day before.

That was last Friday. Friday, OK. We were at Coldplay. Yes. So this was on Saturday night. Yeah. He was hanging out. I think some of the other team went to a nightclub,

but he stayed in the hotel. Hold on. Surely these are professional athletes we're talking about. It was a night off. No, but come on, they're at the top of their game. They can do it. They won the England boys. Yes.

And there was a wedding going on in the hotel. Yes. And I think, to be fair, I don't think he gate crashed. I think he was hanging around looking wonderful. Well, I think he was. I've had this myself in weddings in hotels. You're in the foyer. There we go, the struggle is real, everyone.

People ask me for a selfie, so what? And somebody says, oh, we're having a... Come in, come to the wedding. One bloke said to me, come and do a speech. I'd love it. Oh, yeah? OK. That sounds great. Next thing you know, gatecrash a Skinner.

But, you know, because I don't drink I don't go in there but they always say come on have a drink have a drink in the wet but he's obviously he's gone alright

yes I will I mean he's gone well yes however he didn't look like the most reluctant I mean the lips were

purple with red wine so he was some people took pictures and selfies you know when the lips go purple because they've drunk so much red wine. So he was, some people took pictures and selfies. You know when the lips go purple? Because they've drunk so much red wine, they're purple. Yes, but you could say

that whereas I'm too ity-tity to go into these weddings, Wayne Rooney, man of the people, has gone in. And also, he's not too grand to go in there. Well, it's not that he's too proud, I don't think he's not too sober to go in there. He was wearing his kit's too proud I don't think he's not too sober to go in there he was wearing

his kit I didn't quite work that out what he had his shirt on like a child at a wedding who wear the best item of clothing they've got is a football shirt

but also memorabilia but yeah I mean it's it's a bit tricky that as well because you can't really sort of say

I just want to be left alone for going down an England shirt it reminded me rooney on the back just respect my privacy please when an englander shirt when me and me and david baddiel were at the world cup in germany and i was doing a documentary about learning the banjo so they flew my banjo teacher over for a lesson wow and he was his world was banjo. He didn't know anything about football. He said, I don't know any of the players.

He said, who's the most famous English player? And we said, Wayne Rooney. And he said, I think he was on my plane coming over. Oh, wow. And we said, really? But he must already, he's already here. And he said, no, no, I saw he had his name on his back. And it reminded me of that.

But now it doesn't seem such a ridiculous story. Because Rooney is wandering around with his name on his back. Does he not have other clothes? They said he was, well, the main thing I loved about this was that he started playing the old piano. Yes. Someone, an eyewitness account, said he was referred to him as mashing the piano. Yes. And someone, an eyewitness account, said he was, referred to him as mashing the keys.

Yes. They went on to say, I reckon Elton John can sleep easy. I doubt that. Well, I do, because he seems quite a neurotic type. No, but he's seen some stuff. I'm... But I don't think that's what keeps Elton John awake. I don't think he's sitting at home going,

oh, what if a footballer was drunken at a wedding, takes to the piano and topples me off with my throne as the greatest living piano player? No, he told me that nagged at him constantly. Yeah. Oh, you must have heard that song. What if, What if Caroline Nicole could play a piano like me?

I would look a fool. Yeah. I think it's one of his best. We've had some lovely pictures of surprising people wearing sunglasses. Oh, who have we got? The Pope. Oh, the Pope.

Yeah. Have we got the Pope in the shades? Yeah, quite sort of... Not the Elvis ones. Sort of a bit like Ali G used to wear. Oh, OK. A bit like that, sort of like wraparound. Is this the current Pope, Francis?

No, I think it's one of the previous. Because Benedict was a bit of a... Benedict was a bit of a fashion guru. Was he the one with all the red Prada shoes? Red Prada slippers, yeah. He had me at those. The Queen? Well, the Queen and Prince Philip, but I think they're watching something in 3D.

Oh, well. Now, I've had a text from Paul regarding that. Not a text. That makes it sound like he's a personal correspondent. Paul? He's one of our readers. He says, royalty in shades, thoughts. Grace Kelly, yes. Prince Andrew, not so much. Yes. If I saw Prince Andrew in shades, I would assume he was receiving a brown paper envelope that was going to be

left behind a cistern in a public toilet. He looks a bit close protection, doesn't he, Prince Andrew in shades? He's, yeah, I would, if I suddenly became the chief of police, I would just arrest him and just have a chat. I think there's something going on. But anyway, we're all different. And we've got some more hashtag Brum celebs coming in. Neville Chamberlain?

Yeah, not actually from the area, but he was the mayor. Oh, really? Oh, no, he wasn't the mayor. His dad was the mayor. Dad Joseph Chamberlain was the mayor. Oh, it's all getting a bit tenuous. Yeah, sorry about that. Joseph Chamberlain, that would be a good one.

OK. Who else is on the Walk of Fame? Well, Noddy Holder. Yeah. And that's it. Somebody from the Archers. Yeah, the Archers, or just generally the Archers. I'm trying to think. Okay, I'm sick of this list.

I'm sick of this list. And you're from Birmingham. Yeah, exactly. Meanwhile, over in the Grove Hotel, with Wayne Rooney, now he was apparently out till 5am. OK. And there's a lot of apparently, we should say, flying around with this story.

No one seems to know what actually happened. Robbie Savage has come out. What worse? Whoa! News exclusive on Absolute Radio. He has said... Less Savage than we thought. More Lily.

He said, curfews are there to be broken. Well, that's why curfews are there. He's come out in defence of him. He's never lived in a totalitarian regime. No. And he's sort of saying, calm down, everyone. It's what Roberta Savage is saying. Well, look, I think that Wayne Rooney is entitled to let his hair down.

Let's face it, it's let him down. In a big way. Can I ask a question, a delicate question? Go on. He had the work, didn't he? He's had it done twice, I believe. Well, it didn't take the first time, did it? No, it was...

Did he have the sort of Frankenstein monster, which I just know you're familiar with every aspect of his character, did he have those sort of little marks around it? Oh, he didn't have the pepper pot. Oh, I thought he did. No, I think when he realised the first go wasn't taken, he went in early. What did he have the next time, more of an Elton John?

No, I think he had another weave, but this one's held on firm. OK, respect. I mean, I imagine he's held on firm. OK, respect. I mean, I imagine he's wearing quite a bit off when he leans against urinals at about three in the morning with his head on the wall and his hands in his pockets, you know, that sort of drunken urinal thing. But, you know, also he's nearing the end of his career.

I think, you know, he can have a drink. Yeah. Yes, but is he good enough to behave that badly? Well, no, probably not. That's the... It's a bit like if you're going to be a horrible person, you've got to be really hot. Yeah. So... That's so true. He's not...

Is he good enough right now? I don't know. You're more familiar with his current form, Frank. Is he good enough to behave that badly? I... Well, I think probably not. Okay. I mean, one of the things I really liked about it is his club manager, Jose Mourinho, was furious that there was England coaching staff there letting him drink till five o'clock in the morning.

And what he said was, I remember when I was at school that if you for example if you borrowed somebody's pencil you took more care of that than you did your own pencil and he's saying that england should have done that with his player which i really what a fabulous analogy they've just robbed that pencil into the dirt all the rubbers come back chewed off. You know when you get that chewing around the top of a pencil and the paint starts to come away? That's what Rooney's looking like this morning. Poor thing.

Which is odd because he plays next to Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who looks like a pencil. He's an extraordinary looking character. Are you familiar with him, Gareth? No. Do Google him. Yeah, because extraordinary looking character. Are you familiar with him, Gareth? No. Do Google him. Yeah, because his neck's the same width as his head,

he looks like a pencil with a rubber under it. He wrote a book called I Am Zlatan. I recommend it. Yes, it's... I don't really. It's actually regarded as one of the great sports autobiographies. But he's unintentionally hilarious. I think he's confident.

OK. Frank Skinner on the radio. I think one of the worries about the Wayne Rooney thing is that we have a sort of England manager in waiting at the moment in Gareth Southgate. Good position for a Gareth? Yes. Good high-profile Gareth.

That's going to make your name a little more acceptable. Well, maybe you shouldn't have brought up the Gareth, Gareth? Yes. Good high profile Gareth. That's going to make your name a little more acceptable. Well, maybe you shouldn't have brought up the Gareth, Gareth thing. Because I think the concern about him is he's a bit wet. Yeah. And then he might not be able to handle all these rough men. And so them going out till five o'clock in the morning. Yeah. It's going to make him look like he said that.

Guys, could you try and go to bed a bit earlier please because we really want to do well with the football oh yeah yeah don't worry we'll be back boss you just do your jigsaw I think at some point someone would have said sounds

and I suspect he uses guys to try and get on the level with them what do you do to kind of show you're one of the guys. Yeah, so I think, I'm not saying that is true, but this has not helped, that stereotype of him, the fact they've all just gone out and party, party, party. You don't think they fear him? They don't fear his wrath?

They don't seem to fear his wrath. That's what I often think. I wish people feared me more. Yeah. Oh, we feared me more. Yeah. Oh, we all think that. Yeah. I mean, I think people... Frank said he was frightened of me once.

Yeah. I'm a little bit frightened of you, but we're talking about when you use physical violence. Oh, OK. I often think that people will only really take good advice if it's seasoned with a little physical violence. Oh, Mike, come on. But I just don't have the capacity to do shit out.

Good, I'm very relieved to hear it. That's why you need a security guy with an earpiece. That's what I need. That's what I need. What was his name again? I've forgotten. I gave him a name, I think. Oh, really? Mythical security guy. Oh, did you? Yeah gave him a name, I think. Oh, really? My mythical security guard.

Oh, did you? Yeah. Reginald, I think. Security guards. You see, they wear a shade. Yes, I'm going singular. Deal with it. They love shades. And they shouldn't. It doesn't work.

The heads are too large, normally. Really? Well, they're a certain physical type, aren't they, the security guard? And the shades are tiny. Yeah, but I think they look naked without shades, security guards. They really do need them. Aren't they often in quite dark places, though, where really you need to have your vision?

Oh, they're in dark places, all right. And if someone hits you, you don't want to be wearing glasses. No. But when I see the Pope, I don't think, hold on, where's the shades? Whereas if I see a security guy, I you, you don't want to be wearing glasses. No. But when I see the Pope, I don't think, hold on, where's the shades? Whereas if I see a security guy, I think, you know... Well, the elderly have got to be careful with shades. Because you do look post-operative.

Well, I miss those ones that clip on the top of normal glasses. React to, like, Rapides. I know they were all in one. No, these clipped on, and then you could lift them up, like little blinkers. I still get those. My dad, when he was drunk, thought he could play... What a lovely anecdote.

Gather round the fireside, children. He thought he could play the piano because we had a piano. And he would sit at the piano and go... I mean, no, there was almost a tune. You know what I'm describing? It was... You know when you read about these, I think there was this thing this week, that an aeroplane and a drone had a near miss over London.

That's how I would describe it with my dad and the tune. The occasional near miss. Yes. But he never quite found one. He had no idea how to play the piano. But he was so confident in drinking. I remember we had people round once, one of whom could play the piano. And my dad said, I can play the piano. But he was so confident in drinking. I remember we had people round once, one of whom could play the piano.

And my dad said, I can play the piano as well. And he sat down. And the bloke was too frightened to point out that there was basically nothing happening on the keyboard. So I think it can be.

Yes. I seem to remember playing piano in a pub as well when I was drunk. I think maybe it's a thing that... Oh, really? I'm not suggesting for a pub as well when I was drunk. I think maybe it's a thing that... Oh, really? I'm not suggesting for a second that Wayne Rooney was drunk. But, yeah. Well, he had purple lips.

You know, you think you can do anything, so... Yes, that's true. Why shouldn't you be able to play the piano? He said he was finding it hard to stand up. Yeah. So he thought thought This isn't working But everyone's got a piece A piano piece I crack out barks air on a G string

Do you? I don't think Wayne Rooney When I see him I don't think I wonder what his piano piece is You know in the old days It was footballers that had just been driving So let's thank for Nowadays, they play the piano. That's progress.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, we were on about... Rooney on the piano. Rooney on the piano, which I would like to have just heard the sound of it. Can you imagine? I can, probably. But would people have been quite sycophantic and said

it was great and said maestro encore maestro? I think they would have loved the idea. There might have been some avant-garde musicians in there who thought he was a genius. Well maybe, yeah. That would be good if someone, an impresario took him on the road.

I mean it's the career change we hadn't seen coming for my room. I can't think of a single footballer who has made that transition to pianist. I was thinking... Oh, there was, I think, Gio Franco Zola played piano. Hmm. Yes. Carry on. But not as a concert pianist.

No, not as a concert pianist. But then again, I did see David Helfgott in concert. Do you remember him? No. Yes. He was the man that Shine was about. Oh, yes. And he'd had a lot of...

I mean, God bless him, he'd had a lot of problems in his life. Very talented musician, though. But they took him on tour. And I saw him, I think he might have been at the Albert Hall. And he was playing the piano and going, whoa, whoa, and stuff like that. That was like you. People were looking around in amazement,

and I thought, you've seen the film, haven't you? You know he's got problems. And there was one great bit when he went, whoa, this is a difficult bit in the middle of the play. I like him. Yeah. I think you two should start doing that at live stand-up gigs.

Sometimes I do. I think the audience do it at mine. This is a difficult bit to sit through. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So Wayne is no Lang Lang? No.

Who is? No, I... Are you familiar with the work of Lang Lang? Yeah, I've worked with him. You've worked with him? Have you? You haven't worked with Lang Lang? We were on the one show together.

Wow. He's a very nice chap, I must say. Yeah. I performed... I was teaching in the West Midlands on a course for the long term unemployed and they had a Christmas party and I had this brilliant idea

to take my guitar and do a song for them and it was terrible I did me and Bobby McGee do you know that song? oh at least you didn't do Streets of London oh it was terrible. So I started, and I was a finger picker in those days,

so they could hardly hear it. Busted, flared in, bed on rouge, waiting for a train. They heard the word Baton Rouge, thought, we don't know what this means, they just started talking again. And I thought, do I just give up and stop, or do I carry on playing through the noise? They just talked, and I was... Feeling good was good enough.

Oh, man. I look back on it now. A guy said to me that was the death of a thousand cuts, I remember. And that's what it felt like, absolutely. I've got party tricks. Oh, hold on, I haven't finished going. Anyway. I'll wait till you hear my party tricks. I look forward to seeing this. Go on.

Well, you know my party tricks. You've seen them. You're one of my dearest friends. I can do two impressions. One is Adrian Charles, which you've heard. Yes. The other is quite obscure. That's the problem. It's the dad in Sylvania Waters, which is an

Australian reality soap, which was on in about 1987. Go on, let's hear it. Is there any good reason why the television isn't on? Well, I mean... It is good, honestly. I sense that it's good. Honestly, if anyone was watching that, and it's only from one episode,

so if anyone saw that particular episode in about 1987... So we'd like to make another appeal for anyone who got that impression that Emily just did. I don't know his name. It was just the dad in Sylvania Waters. The dad in Sylvania Waters. Was that anything like it? 8, 12, 15.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Frank, you may recall... I don't have to do my housekeeping. I do apologise. This is Frank Skinner. I'll put the hoover on.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. You can take this for show on 8.12.15. Follow the show on Twitter and Frank at FrankOnTheRadio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Lovely. Amen. Now, I did one of my party pieces earlier.

Yes, this was the... And then we went back on air. The dad from... Sylvania Waters. Sylvania Waters, yes. And we were hoping someone would be able to confirm that impression. But 085 has said, re-impressions, Emily's doing herself a disservice. Her David Mitchell turning down a photo request was received in the 085 household to critical acclaim.

I might need a bit more time to, you know, to remember that one, work on that. But I've also had some other comments which i'm afraid have they've pushed some buttons with me 740 emily i didn't know there were any welsh sitcoms back then there's another one gareth um yes dearest emily whilst i cannot comment whether or not your recent impression was good or bad i feel that it must have been a good deal better than your arnie impression of last year which suggested he was a Frenchman. Keep up the impressions, they will come good. Now, can I tell you which, that's been, that's a trigger for me, because I have a bit of a pet hate, which is when someone's doing an impression and they attempt an accent,

and the person listening stops them, stops the mid-anecdote and says, oh, I didn't know he was from Wales. Yeah. And it's always Wales. No, no, sometimes it's, oh, I didn't know he was Indian. That's the other one. Yes, you get that. That's if you're doing Welsh. Obviously, they can't say the Wales thing then,

so they have to say Indian. If it's an Indian accent, they say Welsh, and if it's a Welsh accent, they say Indian. I just find it, why does it annoy me so much? I'm going to workshop this on out I don't know I find it a bit root one I love our readers it's very sad

can I sit here and say I've never said it I probably have said it I might have said it in the past but I've stopped saying it because obviously I've already said it but I think it's such a trigger thing that people do it that they don't even think about it it's like that trigger thing that people do it that they don't even think about it. It's like...

It's like that. Just stop doing it. What does that mean? Have respect for those brave enough to attempt the accent. They're telling an anecdote. Be polite, listen and laugh. Thank you. Well, I...

I think say anything except, oh, I didn't know he was, and then, and not that thing. Yeah. But it's hack, isn't it? It's hack. It's been done. It's not new material. You didn't come up with that.

But to be fair... I'm not attacking these lovely readers. No, we are. But I don't know... I don't know. I'm attacking the fact that people do this without questioning it. Yes, let's question it. And I'm just considering they question it.

Let's question it. That's the thing. Thank you. And don't ever, ever say again it's X2 to Tango. it and i'm just considering they question it let's question it that's the thing thank you and uh and don't ever ever say again it's x2 to tango what i hate is um if you compliment someone you go oh that was um very good today frank the radio show frank was very good on the radio and you say thanks i'll pay you later oh yeah oh what about the checks in the post? Come on, 1973 material. There's no checks anymore, love.

I know my very worst one is... Yeah, I... Last time Blah Blah did this, he did it, it was really good. No pressure. Oh. No pressure is just... What about a then? They add a then on?

Oh, yeah, no pressure then. No pressure then. But, you know, people have to say something, for goodness sake. And I suppose you can argue in everyday lives they can say what they damn well like. Yeah, improv is hard. They can say what they damn well like other than for my sins. OK.

I won't accept that. Yes, OK. In any capacity. And this is what I like about... Except if you're in church, Frank. The great thing about Salvi at Russia is you couldn't say what he liked. You know, they had standards. Well, did they have a list of

clichés you had to avoid? Yeah, they had quite a list of clichés. For example, any clichés that criticised the government. Frank Skinner on the radio. So what's Lovely Gareth been up to?

Well, I mean, it kind of links a couple of things together. I went, my uncle recently got married. Okay. A bit late in the day. We all wondered what was coming then. Arrested. Tired and feathered. Chased out of town like a dog.

Is this numero de? De? Numero de. Okay um i love a second wedding wife in a white trouser suit nervous looking husband angry teenage children bring it on i'm sure he's with nothing like that. No. He was... He's a church minister. I haven't seen them for a while, that side of the family. So it was an event, family event, but also with added pressure, because I haven't been to any family events. No pressure. There was pressure.

Oh, sorry. I haven't really seen them, I would say, since I've been doing comedy. So that did add some pressure. Is that a coincidence? Or have they just thought, shall we not see Gareth anymore? I hadn't thought of that, but things do seem to start fitting together. Oh, yeah.

So it was a wedding, and I thought of a joke, which was a problem so when first we went to a thing at a hotel it wasn't the actual they got married in miami he's married a colombian woman i see yes she's a lovely lady i'm not saying she's in i love the internet she's a little bit younger than him, I think. Or he's done well for himself, basically. Well, let's hope so. Like, you know, and that's a nice thing as a man, isn't it? That he's found an attractive woman.

You know, I mean, he's not bad looking. You know, he's my uncle, so obviously I think he's hot. Shall I get you a JCB? Because the shovel isn't digging the hole quick enough. What's the age gap? Oh, no, don't ask that. I don't know. I don't know.

And you wouldn't ask. But anyway. I would. First question. They're a lovely couple. First question out the traps. But there were speeches being made. And you know when you see other people doing public speaking,

you have a little think about what you might say in the situation. Can I ask, were you invited to the Miami ceremony? No, I wasn't invited. So there was a Miami and a UK? Yes. Okay. And the proper marriage was in Miami. I was once on the beach in Miami at 1.30 in the morning

with Mark Foster, the Olympic swimmer. Really? I'm surprised they could tell you apart. Yeah, I know. I had my top on. Yeah, I wouldn't take my top off next to him he's in Adonis anyway carry on and I started

I thought of a joke there weren't many jokes happening in me were you meant to do a speech or you just thought of a joke and thought you'd say it no I didn't no you weren't supposed to do and I wasn't doing a speech but I just thought you know if I was making a speech there weren't any jokes no one was I wasn't doing a speech, but I just thought, you know, if I was making a speech, there weren't any jokes. No one was doing jokes. It was a very serious affair.

It was like, isn't... Because he's church minister. It was like, isn't it a wonderful thing that God has done to put these people together? Isn't it wonderful? Well, I'm sure he's taking credit from the internet. Isn't it a wonderful thing? It was not an internet marriage. Can I just say that?

There's nothing wrong with an internet marriage Can we make that clear? We don't know if it's an internet marriage It's not an internet marriage It's definitely not an internet marriage There's nothing wrong with an internet marriage Stop being so prejudiced People meet on the internet

Stop being so prejudiced, you're going to get elected That's how some people meet is is via the social media sites. Sitting at home in the dark. Anyway. Anyway, so the joke I thought of was... Yeah? What a lovely couple they make. You're not going to tell me she's Bosti, the bride?

What? She's not Bosti, is she, the bride? No. Oh, it wasn't? No, that wasn't the joke. That was the set-up. Oh, OK. Oh, I see, OK.

Yes, that wasn't the joke yet. OK. And it says, either God must be really pleased with him or very angry with her. That was the... Because... Oh, yes, because he's either been rewarded for his goodness

or she's been punished. It's a good joke. It's near the knuckle. You think it's near the knuckle? I think it's in the same postcode as the knuckle. Yes, it is near the knuckle. And as I thought, I thought, it's a good job you weren't doing a bit near the knuckle.

A speech. Yes. Unfortunately, when we had the gathering later in their house, what I didn't know is that they have a tradition in their family that basically at the end of a meal, they'll all sit around and everyone has to make a speech and say what they thought of what had just happened. Oh, my God, I thought absolutely bilious.

Let's leave it there. And we'll come back to this. This is a cliffhanger and a half. Oh. What's it used to say? 50 pence 5p. 50 pence 5p. If you don't know the reference, trust me.

Frank Skinner on the radio. We are on the edge of our seats. It is the wedding dinner, and Gareth must take his turn to speak. Yes. I've thought of a joke. We were at a hotel for the first speeches, and then we went back to the house, and I thought,

right, so we're in the clear, we're relaxing. They give me a big glass of wine, and then they keep filling up that glass of wine. I didn't even know you drank at all. Do you drink a bit? Oh, he likes a drink. I drink... Well, I drink... We all like a drink.

He drinks a vodka drink. He drinks a whiskey drink. No, I don't drink. I'm not... He drinks a cider drink. I'm not a big drinker. No. No, I'm a... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which is part of the problem. Whoa, Frank, calm down.

Calm down. OK, so anyway, you had part of the problem. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, calm down. Calm down. Okay, so anyway, you had a glass of wine. Yeah, and then we all sit in the conservatory. There's a lot of kids running around. I'm a bit clued up. It's quite stressful, family things. You know, people know that for all sorts of reasons. Kids in suits dancing to the Beatles.

Yes, dancing to the Beatles. That's what weddings are all about. On being raised up on people's shoes. Yeah, exactly. That little dance. So we all sit down together and my uncle's going to say a few more words. So I think, OK, more speeches. So he says something and then his new wife said a few words.

And then so as I said, what I didn't know is that generally the tradition is in the house is that everyone says a few words. Lovely. And they don't tell you that on the way in. I think it's a good tradition. Yeah, well... Well, if you've prepped.

Yeah, if you've like... It is kind of amazing. And I'm not Mr. Political Correctness, but it's kind of amazing that you go to weddings and the bride's dad speaks, and then the groom, and then the best man, and then that's the speech in time. I agree, yeah.

Hold on, whoa! It's 2016. And the ladies don't say a word. Yeah. Well, there's limited time. Yeah. No, they wait till the marriage proper. Then you can't stop them talking.

Then! On again, on again, on again, on again, on. Anyway. And so they make speeches and then my uncle says, Gareth, would you like to say a few words? And even in those speeches I've been thinking, well, I know what I would say if I was going to make

a speech. Yes, we all know what you're going to say. And then you're feeling a bit tanked up at that point. I'm feeling a little bit tanked up. And then I am very on the spot. I was not prepared to make a speech. Well, you'd been planning it for an hour. I know, but not really make a speech. And then the problem was...

Did you say that joke or not? Yeah, I said that joke. So you stood up and said... I didn't stand up. We weren't standing up, but... You couldn't stand up at that point. I was at the piano mashing the keys Exactly Thinking of what could drink in a whiskey I said, lovely couple

God must be either very pleased with him or very angry with her And what happened? And it got, I would say a mixture of very uncomfortable laughter and gasps. You got a gasp? Gasp at a wedding. My uncle went very red.

He's smiling, but he did go very red. Fury or embarrassment? I think a mixture. I love that fury embarrassment cocktail. And no, but everyone was quite cool about it. And they were like, oh, yeah, yeah. Guess what? No, they weren't.

Also, they love a joke that acknowledges the existence of God. Yeah. It was on message. How was she with you afterwards? And then, well, afterwards, my uncle came up and, in a jokey way, grabbed me by the lapels. Yeah. And said, you saying my wife is being punished by being made to marry me.

Yeah. In a funny, jokey way, you're saying. Quite a firm, violent, jokey way. I remember when someone threw me out of that moving car in a jokey way once. It was so funny. Yes. Grabbing by lapels is never jokey. No, but he was playing along and enjoying the joke

I mean she doesn't speak any English so I think I forgot and no one and I looked my uncle laughed but then she looked like oh something happened and no one explained what had happened she doesn't speak any English at all

she's learning aren't we all dear that'll be the first thing that's explained to her. By me, when I call her after this show. Congratulations. Oh, well, it's a great... I'm glad you

actually went for it. That's the trouble with comedies, isn't it? Once it's there, it's a bit like oh, I didn't know he was French. You know, it's sort of... Once it's in your mind, it has to come out. Respect to you, Gareth Richards. Even though you have alienated an enormous section of your family. And can I say you've compounded it by speaking about it on national radio.

I'm sure they won't be listening. Oh, no. No, but I'm sending them the pod. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Gareth, I'm still reeling from the wedding gate. Yes. But we must talk, at least briefly this week, about... We've talked a lot about the Donald, or as you call him, Frank.

Trumple Stiltskin. Lovely. I think it's going to stick, that one. Well, I don. Trumple Stiltzkin. Lovely. I think it's going to stick, that one. Well, I don't think it's gone onto the world stage. It is. I think I heard Trumple Thinskin and it was too complicated. Keep it simple.

Oh, yeah. Anyway, we haven't heard quite so much about Hillary. Because history is written by the victors, as we know. Poor Hillary, as she's now known. She's taken over from poor Jen. It's poor Jennifer Aniston for so long now.

She's remarried. It's poor Hillary. I still sense an air of sadness about Jennifer Aniston. She's all right. Yes, she'll be fine. She once said, turn a page, people. Hillary is gutted. It's not been the best week for her. And she came out and she made,

she did a public engagement. But she did say she never wanted to leave the house again. She said, there have been a few times this past week when all I wanted to do was just curl up with a good book or our dogs. Nice that they got a mention and respect and never leave the house again. You say respect, but I heard that. And she said, sometimes I just want to sit and curl up with a good book. And a mention, respect, and never leave the house again. You say respect, but I heard that,

and she said, sometimes I just want to sit and curl up with a good book, and I thought, respect. And then she said, or our dogs. I thought, contempt. So quickly. What do you curl up with the dogs? Imagine that all licking your mouth. And if you're going to never leave the house again,

and all the... Like, how much curling up with dogs can you do? Exactly. That's not a long term plan She's not going to leave the house again but of course Bill will be out on his talking to her What's he going to be curling up with? That's what we want to know

Well I think the coolest thing she could do now is take a little selfie of you curled up with a book and make that book the art of the deal. That would be very cool. That would be good. So that would be the cover of her book? No, that's Donald Trump's book, The Art of the Deal.

Oh, I see. You see? So she can laugh at herself. Ah, yes. Now... Can I say, this is how I felt the night after the 101 tickets auction. I thought I would just curl up and just never go out of the house again. She looked...

What I also liked was that you could tell because she looked a bit post-breakup. The hair was a little lank. Yeah, she had hair like she'd just been swimming. There was no blow-drive. I think she looked a bit post-Titanic. Post-breakup, I always think of people making a supreme effort to look great. Not the first three days.

Your eyes are puffy, your hair's lank. I think she might have got more votes if she hadn't worn the make-up, because she looks more like a real person. Oh, OK. Maybe that was what I was saying. The blow-dry. I mean, you're the expert on this. Was she wearing any make-up at all for that speech?

Yes, a great deal. Was she? Good. What kind of make-up? Halloween? Stage make-up for... I respected her for that, though. I mean, I doubt we'll see Donald Trump out without his make-up.

Well, the thing is... Well, exactly. If you lose... She still wears far less than him, may I say. If you've been working very hard on your hair and you lose to Donald Trump with his hair, I mean, she's never going to do her hair ever again. Well, that's the point.

I don't mind Donald Trump. What a waste of elnets. I think you can justify Donald Trump wearing false tan because he comes with his own canopy. He's never going to get a tan from the sock. But I... Is the torso of Donald 100% white? Is everything white and it's just the orange pumpkin head?

Yes. So it's just the pillows are orange and the sheets are all white still? That's what I would say, yeah. I would be very surprised if he's got the all-white. I think he does the hands. The hands, orange, just the extremities. That doesn't need much, though, for the hands. Hello, extremities tanning. I think he does that. I can't

imagine him standing there and his pants getting sprayed. Oh, I can. I bet he's got a truss. Hold on, hold on. No, it turns out I can, imagine. You know what? It's all right. I thought it'd be horrible, but... He's a six-footer. Oh, whoa. He's out I can, imagine. You know what? It's all right. I thought it'd be horrible, but... He's a six-footer. Oh, whoa.

He's a six-footer. He's a? Height? Yeah. Is that how he won? Yeah, no, he's very tall. I think he's over six foot. I think he's six foot two.

All the presidents tend to be. He's one of the tallest... That's how they do it in America. Usually the tallest man wins. Barack Obama was tall, wasn't he? He just fell. I say he's passed away away he's still with us He's no longer in office

Donald Trump's taller than Barack Obama You're absolutely right Oh he's holding on I thought she looked better With less make up It's that Madonna thing I like the fact that she looked more human There's an element

A slight element of Chucky about her. But, I mean, just sort of now and again. You know, you said Barack Obama's still in office, and you're correct, technically, but isn't it a bit last days of GMTV? They all go a bit mad, don't they? They don't care. It's gone a bit.

Come on. Yeah, I bet it is. I bet he's phoned the talking clerk in London and just left it off the hook. And he's sewed prawns in the curtain hems in the Oval Office. Oh, man, I bet he's got a bucket of water over the door when Donald comes in. Donald?

Oh, what? I went to a celebration of Jonathan Miller's work this week. One of my parents' friends, thank you. Oh, yes, and it doesn't surprise me. I was talking to John Sargent and his wife and Robert Peston in the interval. Wasn't he on your Room 101 show? He was. £1,000 at the auction?

Yes, indeed. So I put it to John Sargent because they were talking about Trump and Brexit and stuff and I put it to John Sargent because they were talking about Trump and Brexit and stuff and I put it to John Sargent that he actually began the process that has culminated in Brexit and Donald Trump

I think when he was on Strictly, that was when the public first thought you know what, we don't have to listen to the experts and follow the sensible thing. We can vote for anybody we like, for any reason we like. So you said to him that when the public lost all respect for pundits was because of him being on Strictly Come Down.

Yeah. How did that fly? Did it go well? You know what, he seemed to go all right with it Come Down. Yeah. How did that fly? Did it go well? You know what? He seemed to go all right with it. Ah. Yeah. Is he sort of flattered?

I don't know if flattered was quite the word. He got me by the lapels and said, you're saying... No, he didn't. No, he seemed to take it well, but he's a mild-mannered gent. But I think there might be some truth in it. Interesting.

People just thought hold on, we can just vote for who we like they took back the power yeah, that was it, Sarge had begun it the crossover of reality TV is interesting because now I look at Alan Sugar and he is a total underachieving

loser because he's not president he's not the leader of this country no he's done nothing what has he done with it hold your high horses there's time yet there's life in the old dog yet

can I ask you this this is a moral question Jonathan Miller did an interview and he's in his 80s now. He wears a jean sometimes. Yeah, he didn't wear a jean that night. He'll always be significant to me, because I went to LabOM,

and I saw him there, he directed it, and he had jeans on, and I thought, that's it, I'm never wearing jeans again. In an older man, they don't work. Anyway, much out of respect to him, and he did an interview, and he talked about his career and stuff. So this was going on in between extracts from his operas he's directed. But he... Oh, dee-da.

He forgot some stuff. Because he's, you know, he's 80-odd. And the audience laughed when he forgot. Oh, because he forgot? So in the interview, it's a filmed interview, he's sitting in his living room, and he said, well, I remember being very amazed. I was working with an actor, and he was an actor.

Rachel, what was the name of that actor? Yes, yes, yes. Laurence Olivier. And it got quite a big laugh. But I thought, please, Haytiad, is this alright? Yeah. There was a bit of a dispute after, but I thought, you know, he's an ex-satirist. Well, exactly.

He'll be fine with it. And the magnitude of the name he forgot is, surely that's where the comedy is. That's what's brilliant about it. I mean, you know. It's not what was the name of that actor, he's the actor. My memory's getting worse, but I'm hoping I can hold on to Sir Lawrence Olivier. But who knows? I spent...

I am still... Don't tell me. I am still in the process. This is the third day of me trying to remember the name of the... And don't tell me. Of the character who goes into the jungle in Heart of Darkness and who has to...

Like the evil bloke who's corrupted. He's got one name. Yes, I know. Played by Brando in the film. And I've been, I'm still working on it. I'm three days. Don't tell me in a pocket of snow. No, I'm not going to tell you.

I'm just going to say it. I've got that lovely feeling when I know. Yeah, it's a great feeling. And it doesn't happen often. But imagine after three days. Because Uncle Frank knows more than me often. But on this occasion, no siree. No, I can't. I cannot remember it.

I can. Good. In Apocalypse Now or in Heart of Darkness? Well, it's the same character. Oh, okay. The book's Heart of Darkness. All right, student common room. Okay. Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good

Lord spares us And the Creekstone I'm still trying to remember it I kept thinking Queeg Which is the name of the captain in the Cay Mutiny You're getting close But no No Anyway

I know what it is Sure I know you do We've established that The good Lord Sparces and the Creekstone rise We'll be back again this time next week Now get out Hear the Frank Skinner show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on

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