The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Definitely Madeley

Episode Date: February 17, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Richard Madeley's burglary accusations, themed raves and Frank's restaurant problems.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 81215, follow me on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email us via the Absolute Radio website. Them's the choices. We've had a whatever happened to. What?

I should say, very early out the track. It's become a bit of a tradition, a very early whatever happened to. Has it? I like this person. Whatever happened to late whatever happened to. Well, 848, I like the sound of them, I like the cut of their jib,

but I'm not sure I agree with this, because they've got whatever happened to toilet attendance, and then they say, P.S. very much been enjoying binge watching. I like the sound of them. I like the cut of their jib, but I'm not sure I agree with this because they've got whatever happened to toilet attendants. And then they say, P.S. very much been enjoying binge watching Chance in a Million. Is it from Cheryl Tweedy? A very much enjoying what, sorry? Binge watching Chance in a Million this week. Oh, wow.

So I've read it out mainly for that because I would say toilet attendants, go into any Western night spot and you will find a toilet attendant. Is that true? See, I don't really go to those places. I'm very much an anti-fan of the toilet attendant. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't want people offering me polos while I'm at the urinal. Well, it can be expensive.

What are they trying to say exactly? Or worse. What are they getting at? And it'll cost you a pound a time. Anything less than a pound. Oh, is that a rule? It's unacceptable. I don't need...

I don't even wash my hands in the toilet. I don't need a tender. Oh, charming. You couldn't get this zip for me, could you? I've got very sticky hands from the... Been having a crudité next door. Been having a bitudité next door. Been having a bit of crudité.

Yeah, I'll bet you have. No! And the other whatever happened to is from 180, whatever happened to Dalmatian dogs? Oh, I think they're still going. No, you still see them. Growing up in Lancashire in the 70s, I would often see them being walked around the local parks, but now I can go all year without seeing one.

No, I've spotted one recently. Lovely use of spotted. Come on. Come on. I love that. Now, Dalmatian dogs, they're definitely around. Yeah, okay. And fast, they're amongst the few creatures

that can give the whippet a run for her money. Is that right? Oh, yeah. And poodles, they can put a shift on. The spots sort of become stripes when they're running. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that the Dalmatian was fast.

It doesn't really make sense, the movie. How were they caught? Good question. They're a willowy type of dog, aren't they? Willowy. Lovely physiques. Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen a fat one, but there'll be one in the tabloids eventually.

I haven't seen a fat pet in the tabloids for a while now. Fat pet, Dr. Groper. Strange thing in food. Foreign objects in food I think we enjoy. These are the standard. Oh, and very,

very cold swim on New Year's Day. Outrage person with parking ticket, but that's normally local papers, isn't it? Oh, yeah, that's more. And they'll be holding the ticket and pointing at it and looking angry for all the people who can't read. I'm not saying that's a good...

I mean, you know, God bless them. I feel I have to mention the fact that the football team I support... Oh, yeah. I just laughed at that. Who's that? There is a story. What did they go by again? I think we're going to go over to you for the Frank Spencer impression.

They're in a bit of trouble. They have had a bit of trouble. Can you imagine? Just picture this. They have had a bit of trouble. Can you imagine? Excellent workout. Just picture this. In case you haven't heard this story, welcome back to England. You've obviously just arrived.

Four West Bromwich Albion players, two which are very much known as model pros, went out, I mean, I think, we don't know for certain there was drink involved, but they ended up at a drive-thru McDonald's at 5.30 in the morning in Barcelona. Alcohol, the very idea. They got a cab, they took a cab back to the hotel, which seems common sense until you realise

that they were, that the driver wasn't in here. Yeah, they literally took a cab. They literally took a cab. They literally took a cab. Very good. It's almost as if they feel entitled in some way. I like the idea that the Albion, West Bromwich Albion, have been part of the pioneers of the driverless car revolution. Perhaps they misunderstood that.

They just said, that just means you don't need the actual driver. I don't know where the driver was. I mean, where was he? No, but the detail which I enjoyed was that they left the keys at the hotel reception. Even though the hotel had nothing to do with the cab, it was just that sense, well, we've done the right thing. I think that's a nice touch.

Where was the driver then? Yeah. But where does a driver go? It's a nice thing. Where was the driver then? Yeah. But where does a driver go? It's a drive through a McDonald's. It's the one place you'd think a driver would be in their car. Are you suggesting perhaps that they might have turfed him out of his seat? I hope not.

That didn't happen. But I just, imagine if you were, let's say I was in Barcelona on holiday and I'd been out clubbing and I come out of my club and I hailed a cab and it was being driven by Gareth Barry. Yeah.

Johnny Evans. And I said, what's going on? What? How could this possibly be happening? Oh dear. I'll tell you what, I'm going to the match this afternoon.

I do look forward to shouting when Gareth Barry picks up the ball in the centre of the park as he often does and looks around for an opening and I'll be able to shout anywhere on the left here it's fine I think the worst thing about this

West Bromwich Albion story for me is the idea of going to a 24 hour drive through McDonald's whilst in Barcelona. Surely there's some tapas, even at 5 in the morning. It's like a 24 hour city Barcelona. Surely they could have all just had tapas and

perhaps another small beer. Yeah. Can I remind you again how to football? Steak was their favourite food, Frank? Usually steak. In the old, I mean it's probably all changed now, but when I was a kid in the football programme it would say

favourite food, steak. Favourite drink? Favourite drink would be something it wouldn't be alcohol no because even though it all obviously was

in those days biggest influence on Korea my dad what would you have been if you weren't a footballer electrician favourite player

Pele yeah and a weird thing in the West Brom programme favourite singer Ben E King they all chose Ben E King it must have been a thing

at the club. Not totally sure who he is. He was in one of the big soul bands. Stand By Me? No. Was that him? Yes, it was, I believe, wasn't it? Oh, okay. Thank you. Daisy's nodding. Thank you. Oh, Daisy and

etc. I'm sure he was in a band, wasn't he? Wasn't he in The Temptations? Very possibly. This is where the readers will allow us the answer, pretty sure. Yeah, we're not really a soul-type show, though, are we? You don't think? You think this show has no soul? People are already at home there saying,

what are they talking about soul for? That'll be happening. I'm wearing a jacket this morning, a tweed jacket. And I'll tell you, it's odd that I'm wearing it, and I'll tell you why it's odd. It's a jacket that I bought in Edinburgh a few years... When I say I bought it, I was... Have a proper look at it. Hang on a second.

They asked me to interview... Oh! ..Russell Brand. And my manager, of course, said, OK, but he'll need a clothing allowance. So they gave me some money and I went and bought this jacket for the interview. It's a nice jacket, right?

Well, I've... I've gone off it. So I did a thing, which I've often done. I went away on holiday this week, not in England So I did a thing, which I've often done. I went away on holiday this week, not in England. I had a... A staycation. Yes, I had one of those. Go on. Do it, Frank.

Say it. I had a staycation. I like say it. Say it. I wanted to say in staycation. Okay, I had a staycation. Good boy. And I took this because I have,

if this is a common thing or something I've developed myself, but I often, I get a thrill from coming back from any sort of holiday with less in my bag than I took with me. 100. It's my favourite thing. So one thing I'll do, like if I've got some shoes that are nearing the end

of their wearability this is going weird now I'll wear them I'll take them for the holiday and then just leave them in the hotel room I think this is great I started doing it with underwear because we got a text about it

and I realised I can implement this into my life. I've now got no underwear, but that's still the point. So are you suggesting you're wearing the jacket because you want to use it up? I wore this jacket as it was the jacket's last hurrah. Well, that was my plan. And I was going to leave it just in the wardrobe at the hotel. Really?

Right. They would have posted it back, though, I'm sure. No, but I didn't worry about that. Like, you couldn't get away from it. Like, you know, Ronnie Rich had to spend a million quid before he could get...

It's like how to lose a jacket in ten days. I've watched that film. That'd be a good rom-com. Yeah, I'd love that. But at the end, when it came to it and I was packing,

I couldn't quite... You started to like it during your week. I'm not like it. Like's a big word. That's good Frankie Hammond. But, um, Cad said to me, you're not leaving that jacket, are you? And then I thought, well, you know, maybe I'll take the jacket. I think you're hard on the jacket.

I think the jacket is great. I like it. Here it is. And also it's tweaked. Very durable fabric. It'll last you ages. Oh, God, it's durable. Why don't you see it as just work clothes?

Do you know what I mean? Because I don't think those count, really. Well, all my clothes are work clothes. Oh, yes, that's true. I've forgotten about that. I'll tell you what happened to me. Can I do this now in a rush? I had a letter.

This is to signify I've got a letter. I had a letter from Bam. Did you? Do you remember? Now, in case you don't know the story of Bam. The story of Bam? The story of Bam is that Alan Cochran was talking about how he loved bamboo socks more than anything. Yes! I was talking about how I loved bamboo socks more than anything. Yes!

I was talking about how I was giving them at Christmas. And I said, I don't like this. It sounds like we're trying to get free stuff. And I disapprove of that on the radio. I hear it too much. And so I said, don't send me any of your stupid bamboo stuff. Yeah. And sure enough, they sent some beautiful socks the following week with a distinct note that I wasn't to have any of them. Yeah. And sure enough, they sent some beautiful socks the following week with a

distinct note that I wasn't to have any of them. Yeah. Which I took, I think I said at the time, I respected them. Yes, you liked that, didn't you? Anyway, I got a letter from Bam today saying, dear Frank, we feel nobody should miss out on experiencing the

softness of Bam, so here's some bamboo you didn't want. Enjoy. And they've sent me a whole range of Bam. So here's some bamboo you didn't want. Enjoy. And they've sent me a whole range of clothing on the bamboo front. So what about that? We've made friends. That is great. Let that be a symbol. If there's any couples listening who are thinking

maybe there's nothing left in this relationship we're running on vapour. That even the blackest time when you think, you know, they don't even send me any socks. Even then, there's still possibility that life can be breathed back into it. Just remember that.

You listening to me, Jeff? OK. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 961 has just texted us hi about nine or ten times, I would say.

So hi, 961. Do you think they're hi? No, I just think they're spelled H-I. I don't think it's... Did a ship just go past? Yeah. Did everybody hear that? No, they're always doing works at Absolute Radio.

I remember I was learning that from my mouth. Oh, yes. How's that going? They have ghosts of workmen upstairs. The ghosts of workmen? Yeah, that's what they have at Absolute Radio. I'm just saying. There's rumours it's haunted, this building.

Is there? I think it used to be a hospital or something once. Right. You know what it's like, the voice going, Mummy! All that. Nurse! All that, all that.

That's normally when you date posh boys. Probably. I've heard that a lot anyway. How long before I'm calling nurse in a plaintive voice? It'll be a nice hospital though, because you made a bit of cash. Well, I don't know.

I'll probably go NHS. I've paid enough tax. Oh, that's true. Get a bit of a hat back. It's a matter of principle, isn't it? You're right. It is. Yeah.

It is. I had two. I had a letter from Miles Hudson. You've had loads of missives, haven't you? I have. Bam. Yeah. Miles Hudson.

Miles Hudson. Who next? But what I like about it, it's on a headed notepaper, which is the BFL logo. Oh, yeah. Which is the best fit line ruler. BFLR. Now, I don't know if you remember, many years ago,

someone sent me a big, fat ruler. And I don't know if you remember, many years ago, someone sent me a big fat ruler. And I don't mean Robert McGarvey. I wonder which one you were going to settle on. But I like that I knew you would settle on one. I don't think he's still a ruler, is he? I said two years ago. He's been shut aside, hasn't he? Yeah, so

this Miles, he sent me a ruler. Now, I don't know if you remember this, many years ago, it's a Miles, he sent me a ruler. Now, I don't know if you remember this, many years ago. It's a very, his point was you can never, well, not never, but drawing a straight line with a ruler is not as straightforward as you might think. Often the ruler slips, you know that? You're doing it with a biro. Suddenly you get that big line veering off to that.

Or sometimes you go up over the ruler when you beam there. Sometimes there's a plastic ridge. There's a tiny imperfection. So the best fit line ruler, I don't know if you remember, is a wide ruler and it's got a gap going down the middle, like a slot, and you draw down the slot so you can't slide away. That's one of its ways. Anyway, he sent me one. He sent me another one

for my child. He's at graph drawing, nearing the graph drawing age. Oh, yeah. So that's lovely. But meantime, in between sending me these rulers, he's written a sci-fi novel.

Has he? Wow. A post-apocalyptic novel set in Gloucestershire. Good. Wow. Who knew? Who knew? And so it's called 2089

and it's published by a crowdfunding thing called Unbound. I'm very interested to read it, I must say. Yeah. I'm not begging for it. I don't mind chipping into the old. Yeah.

But a man who invents rulers and writes sci-fi. He's the kind of man that you're... Yeah. He's very up your straws, though, Frank. He's a Kiwi, I think. Well, I don't use the ruler very often, I must say. You've got a little mentionitis with this man. Like, you know, when you meet someone new

and you're a bit obsessed with them. I just think it's a good combination. He's my only ruler. You can't say get a room anymore in London. Can't. So many people who can't get a room. Oh, good point. Don't you know that

you're not allowed to offend anyone about anything anymore? I did not know that. No, well, we learn it. It's very important. Anyway, meanwhile, about this bloke.

I've done that with people coming out of toilet cubicles if it's, like, really horrible. I say, oh, get a room. You know, that isn't public.

I'd get really angry about that. I'd go home if I had that in me, I'd go home. Never leave the house if you had that in me. In a public place, come on. No wonder we got post-apocalyptic Gloucester show. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, yes, I went to...

I went away for a four-night staycation. Lovely. Said it again. Said it again. I went in the restaurant there with my partner and our child. It's the darkest restaurant. You know how restaurants are that thing? Yes, it is dark. Oh, God.

I don't like that, though. I don't. Yeah. Do you remember many years ago, pre-Ruler, I told you I'd been to a restaurant. Well, it's not Ruler, Frank. I'm sorry, point of order here. 071 has been in touch to say splitting hairs here,

but isn't it pronounced, I love their hairdressers, but isn't it pronounced rule, not ruler? That's from the Spring Hill Flyer. Yeah, but what you're not getting here is that the Mugabe joke wouldn't have worked. No, true, Nat. Yeah, and also... Also, it does say on the headed notepaper, the best fit line ruler. Yeah. I'm going to trust the ruler guy.

I've always called them rulers. I've heard them called rules, though. I know what he means. But, you know, rules are made to be broken. And when he signs off saying the Spring Hill Flyer, I'm splitting hairs here, but isn't it pronounced the Spring Hill Fly? Oh.

What is the Spring Hill Flyer? It's Nick. It's Nick's name, I think. Well, that's his nickname, the Spring Hill Flyer. I was just trying to do the same thing back to him. Yeah. It's a laundry. It's a big laundry, isn't it, the Spring Hill?

Is that right? Yeah, I think so. Is this one of your Midlands ones? I don't know. Anyway, meanwhile,

back in the dark restaurant. Oh yeah. So, many years ago, I told you, I was in a dark restaurant and I saw a man take out a torch

from his inside pocket. And I, people were sniggering and I really admired him for having the courage. So this week... Oh, no. History repeats itself. You thought, I'm up in that.

History repeating. And, um... Yeah, so I got the phone out, got the light, and just sat there in a pool of light, reading the menu with... Kath actually said to me, she said, I think they've deliberately done it like this, this dark, to stop old people from coming in.

Well, I think that's true. Because old people, I know, I know we can drag down a restaurant. I was going to say, how did you tell that? You're out of an age gap relationship. The problem is, they want our cash, but they don't want our faces. I don't think you're old. Oh, lovely. You're middle-aged.

I'm happy with that. That's all right. Coronation Street matriarch. I'm happy with that. Yeah, definitely. But I'm thinking there was something. I'll be completely honest. I was a little bit embarrassed about having to read you the thing,

but also sort of brazen in my torch use. I was hankering, I wish I'd got one of those surgeon's hats. You know those things with the big line in the forehead? That would be brilliant to get one of those out.

I might get one of those for that very... Ideally what I'd like is, you know, those big sticks with fire on that the Frankenstein villagers have when they go to the... Yeah. I'd love to sit with one of those until a nervous waiter came over and said,

excuse me, sir, but you're not... We're not actually... Well, you flambé, you flambé, don't you? True. There's nothing about flaming torches on the sign. That's a protest. It'd be a slight... As he was talking, it'd be a slight...

crackling of it. Oh, that'd be great. And then in an I'm Spartacus gesture, someone else would walk in with one. Well, they had candles on the table that were fighting a losing battle against darkness. Candlelight is very unflattering as well. You think?

Yeah, people always have this myth. This is a real myth, this lovely romantic candlelight. Candlelight dinner, yeah. It looks terrible. People's faces look odd, all weird shadows on your face. Don't do it. I love the smell. Let it review.

Candlelight. Don't do it. Any Victorians listening, forget it. Yeah. Well, Samuel Johnson, who was 18th century, had on the front of his periwig, there was always a slight singeing because his eyes were so bad,

he used to have to hold a candle between him and the book he was reading. Ah. So he used to get a bit singed. I used to know Peter Cook, and the whole front of his white hair was yellow from cigarette smoke. That's whatever happened to Frank. Elderly men with yellow hair.

What about Donald Trump? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 040 has also been in touch. Good morning, Alan, Frank and Emily. Whatever happened to Jumble Sales? That's Wayne of Jersey. I definitely feel that.

Now, I like that he's called Wayne of Jersey. It's a bit Philip of Spain, which I like. Yes, it's got that William of Malmesbury about it. Yeah, I'm, they might not

happen on Jersey. Well, they've got so much money there. They definitely. You need a minimum, what is it you need in your account?

Something ridiculous. £40 million or something. There's only about 15 of them as well. Yeah, there is something where you need

a minimum amount of money in your account. And there's not that many of them. So having a jumble sale, you'd always feel like you know the owner of the thing, wouldn't you? Oh, pass us that saucepan. Well, what, Carol's? You just know it. It's like us having a jumble sale between us. I feel too intimate with the clothes.

Yeah, it'd be weird. Oh, that's Daisy's bra. What about me and Al? Leave that alone, Al. Me and Al would just have to get each other's clothes. I don't know.

I can see myself in a sort of Vita Sackville West jacket, tweed jacket. I'd look lovely in that. Oh, yeah, okay. 879 has texted, can I put slide rule

in the mix? Oh, no. I had a job where I I put slide rule in the mix I know I had a job where I used the slide rule I never completely worked it but it was I regard that as a very

can one still say this a very male instrument it was really can you check that up in the A5 I can't say that anymore that up in the A5? Can't say that anymore. We'll check the A5. Okay, well, if you want it, girls, you can have it.

Because I couldn't work it out. That's the advert sorted. I think I know my answer to that. What, you don't want the slide rule? It was so complicated, the slide rule. Was it? Yeah. You know, you have to actually move bits of it about.

Have you ever used one? Really? No, I've never been trapped in one of any kind. It's like three different rulers that you slide about, like a chromonica. You know what a chromonica is? A harmonica where you press the button and... Oh, I'm panicking this conversation. Come on, come with me! Come with me! Oh, Oh, I'm panicking this conversation. I don't know any of the reference points.

Come with me! Oh, no, they haven't come with me. No, we are with you. I'm just, you know, it's complicated. If there's anyone who uses a slide rule, they'll probably disappear because it's all done on the computers now. There'll still be some old school.

I am hoping there's someone in listening who uses a slide rule at work. That'd be brilliant. I mean it. Am I being a bit old this morning? Maybe I'm being a bit old. No, but Sue has got in touch with some advice for what she calls

the 60 plus generation. In dark restaurants you can buy glasses with lights on the arms. I have seen those but that would be less noticeable if I had... I'm sitting here with headlights. Like an old Austin A40 parked at one of the tables, for goodness sake. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the outside world at all? Oh, yeah. OK. We've got... Oh, sorry, I need to... You do your business, love. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. OK. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I was trying to make it rhyme. Next time I'm going to make it rhyme. Yeah. Okay.

Looking forward to that. Next time I'm going to make it rhyme. You see it's started already. Yeah. We have heard from 056 who says, Morning gang, this whole chat about rulers

is off the scale. Good. See what they've done. I do, yeah. Punning humour, I thought. I think we'll move on to... What are those little things called? Micro something where you tighten them.

You turn a dial and two little... Oh, never mind. Okay. Well, there was... Micrometer. We have had a lot of communiques, rulers, rules, whatever you want to call them. Rules. Yeah, lovely, Frank.

But I want to get off the subject of rulers briefly, because I feel it would be somewhat remiss of us not to bring up the subject of Richard Madeley this morning. There was an extraordinary story about him and the Gallagher brothers. And this is their spiritual home, really, isn't it? Absolutely. Yeah, what do you say? What, Richard Mabley and the Gallagher brothers? Well, just the Gallagher brothers.

What a band that would have been. It would have changed everything, wouldn't it? I chose you and the pussycats. Yeah. So, I mean, I think it's fair to say... I imagine that Judy would have been their hard-bitten manager. Yes. Doing really...

Feared by everybody in the business, doing really hard deals. Getting a share of the parking, that sort of thing. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Fix it, Finnegan. Yeah, that's what she'd be called. I think it's fair to say they sometimes have little disagreements. The boys.

Noel and Liam. Yeah. Yeah. But what happened... You're about to cast Richard Medley as a sort of a peacemaker role. Oh, yes. Between them. Well, no, what happened?

What, like he's the conciliation service ACAS? Or, indeed, a kind of ombudsman. I wonder if they've turned to ACAS to patch things up between Noel and Liam yet. I don't know. I don't know if they're too personal. But they need to make up for Christmas, because you know my rule on that.

You can't fall out at Christmas. It's too common to do that. Yeah, you can't. You have to get on it. Just see it through Christmas. And the same reason you can't break up in January. It's embarrassing. They used to have a consumer. It And the same reason you can't break up in January. It's embarrassing. They used to have a consumer...

It's so basic. Oh, we split up in January. Oh, come on. I don't want to split up in January, my birthday on the 28th. No, good point. That would be folly indeed. There used to be a bloke called Ed Doolan who did consumer problems on BRMB in the West Midlands.

Right. And I remember a bloke phoning him up and saying that his uncle had taken his pillow and he wasn't giving it back. And Ed Doolan got really angry with this guy. I don't deal with those sort of problems! This guy was quite hurt. Anyway. Richard Maid hurt. Anyway.

Richard Madeley. Yes. Yes, so what happened was that Richard Madeley has publicly stated that Noel and Liam, he basically thinks that they robbed his house. They burgled his house. In the early stages of their career. Well, his aunt Judy's house.

Yeah, his aunt Judy's. They were living in Manchester. He said they used to do a lot of houses in that area. And he asked them... Liam and Noel did. Liam and Noel did. Not Richard and Judy. No.

And he asked them about this. And they said, yeah, I think we did do that one. Which is the most brilliant response I've ever heard. What I wish had happened is someone had said to them, whose houses did you rob in Manchester? And they'd have said, definitely Maidley. Come on.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So we're talking about the incident. We don't even have to say alleged because they fessed up to it. Well, this is an incident that Richard Maidley has made public before. I remember him sort of j'accuse the Oasis boys with this before. And I think there was some kind of story that Manchester police went,

oh, some of those burglaries are still unsolved. And the Gallagher brothers slightly pulled their heads in back then, going, no, no, no, we didn't really burgle, we were exaggerating. So I don't know if he's stirring or... Well, but they are going to say that if the police get involved. Are you suggesting they would say that, wouldn't they? And then Andy Bryce Davis. Of course, the irony is that they own that supermarket

that Richard took the champagne from. Oh, so it all comes around. It's fit for tat. I think this is a bit regionalist of him, though. I mean, just because they come from Manchester. Imagine if someone came up to Frank and said, I saw a drunk man in the street in Birmingham. Was it you?

Yeah. I think that would be rude. No, I'd be fine with that. Would you? I think they have spoken about... I think Noel has certainly spoken about burglaring. Burglaring. Burgling. Oh, okay.

In the past. You reckon? See, he's kind of built for it, Noel, in the way that Liam isn't. Liam's a bit big for being a burglar, I would have thought. Yes, you're right. I could see... You know the Fosbury flop that. Liam's a bit big for being a burglar, I would have thought. Yes, you're right. I could see... You know the Fosbury flop that they use as a high jump?

I could see Noel Fosbury flopping through a cat flap. Oh, yeah. From the right angle. Whereas Liam... Liam must have stood outside as the sort of... The lookout. Passing that stuff out to him. I mean, that's why he stands with his hands behind his back a lot.

Right. And the police come, all right, officer, how you doing? You're all right. Behind him in his hands, he's why he stands with his hands behind his back a lot. When the police come, all right, officer, how you doing? All right, behind him in his hands, he's got a lovely crystal decanter. His posture is very... A policeman has just walked over to me. Yeah, exactly.

You know when you're smoking by the bike shed and the teacher comes over and you fold your hand with a cigarette in it? Oh, right. It's like he's got all the stuff, all the swag. Probably that's why he's wearing a hooded parka. He is often in a parka. Big pockets.

Yeah. Useful. You know what they say, big pockets. I'll tell you what, Kate Garraway, who was on the news programme with Richard Maid, she said, oh my goodness, oh crikey. I mean, respect Amanda for her for using the word crikey.

They have a lovely famous five way of speaking on that show. She says, crikey. I had a friend who was utterly obsessed with Kate Garroway. Really? I mean, she honestly thought, you know, she was just his dream woman.

And he accused me once of wasting my celebrity because I hadn't pursued Kate Garroway. And he was very earnest about it. And I met her and told her about this. What did she say? She signed a photo for him, which he... I don't want to know the end of that story. I gave it to him, and no, he was a bit off about it. I think he just thought, well, it's not what I want.

I want Kerry Garraway, per se. Yeah. Do you know her middle name's per se? No, I did not. Yeah, I don't know. It's an odd thing. French. French in the family.

But, yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong. She's a very attractive woman. But he was obsessed with her. Oddly, you know, she was the dream girl. She's a dream girl. What is a dream girl? I don't know. We'll move on.

Don't throw stuff at me if you don't know. I do know, really. I don't know what the jumble sound's going to be like. I don't want to say, this is all right. What is it, Al? I don't know. It's made of wool, that's all I know. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So we're talking about the Gallaghers this morning. Yes. So the theory is that they may well, in the past, before they became stars, have burgled the already famous Richard Mabley. Richard Mabley, yeah. And he raised it with them in the manner of a... Well, it was a bit sort of,

did you steal my candlesticks, young man? I don't know. I thought it was inappropriate. What's that, did you? I don't know. I'm just, that's a generic lord of the manor. Oh, okay. Do you see?

I thought it was from Cluedo. No, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what, if they were looking for underpants, they were out of luck. Oh, yeah, he goes, he's a commander, doesn't he? Yeah, he does. Ipants, they were out of luck. Oh, yeah, he goes commando, doesn't he? Yeah, he does.

I remember him taking me to one side. Oh, yeah. Which he obviously wasn't taken to one side because he doesn't wear pants. He fears the pant, doesn't he? He said to me, I don't understand them. I don't understand underpants. I never wear them.

And I said, do you change your trousers every day? Does he? He said, no need for that. And I thought, what are you going trousers every day? Does he? He said, no need for that. And I thought, what are you going to get there? Are you going to get a riser edge? That's dangerous. But no, he's anti-pants. Really?

I like the fact that he doesn't understand them. Not that he just thinks they're unnecessary. He doesn't see the point. Yeah. Which is more than I could say for where I was standing. Wowee. Yeah. Which is more than I could say for where I was standing. Wowee. Yeah. Wowee.

You've got a bit Kate Garrow-y. Crikey. But how, how, how the history of popular music

would have changed if Richard had stumbled across the brothers and let's say, you know,

killed, beat them to death with a golf club. I like that you were going to go for kill and then you changed your mind. It sounded a bit violent. Beat to death, somehow the more gentle. No, but it happens. It's an occupational hazard in the burglary. Yeah, yeah.

How different, I mean, I suppose, according to my theory, it would have just been Noel who was inside. Right. Liam would have been outside oblivious. Yes, I think you're

absolutely right. Arms full of loot. Hands behind back. Yeah, yeah. Of course, Noel would have been at, his eyeline would have been very much no pants level

for the attack. He probably wouldn't have looked up. He'd have been transfixed and the cob would have been very much no pants level for the attack. So he probably wouldn't have looked up. He'd have been transfixed and the club would have come down. That would have then been Oasis without Noel. I mean, that would have been a very different band. Yeah, I don't think we'd be discussing it. You don't think so? No.

That's a bit hard one. Liam? Well, you know, there's people like you that denied him the, what's it called? Living God-like genius. God-like genius of the year award. Oh, he got the God-like genius award. How desperate are you for someone to turn up to collect an award

to call it the God-like genius award? Yeah. Like, we're not going to do outstanding contribution or lifetime achievement. God-like genius. He was funny. You'd turn up to that. He was funny. Oh, he up to that. He was funny.

Oh, he's hilarious. He said of his brother Noel, who, I mean, if you didn't know, they don't always get along. No. They don't see eye to eye. He said he's worse than Kim Jong-expletive Chung or whatever he's called. Kim Jong-tung, he called him.

He called him Chung or Tong. Tong. And then he added and Donald Trump and then Piers Morgan as well. He said as well. Which is weird because it's sort of descending like the degrees of badness. Like I think Kim Jong

Tong or whatever he's called is probably worse than Donald Trump and then down is Piers Morgan. I just wanted it to carry on. I wanted it to keep going with, like, you know, and Kate Garroway. Is Kim Jong-un worse than Donald Trump? I think so, yeah.

Text in, eh, 12.15. He's got 60 million hostages, really. He's got what? He does a fabulous military parade, though. Yeah, yeah, well, he would, wouldn't he? I mean, it's like synchronised swimming. Yeah, he loves cheese so it's a problem. Is that right?

Yeah. He loves cheese? Yes, that's how he put on weight. He struggles with his weight. Apparently the CIA have set an enormous trap for him. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hooray He's got a mouthful of crisps

Well that's good because I can tell Well it's not really an anecdote Well it's not an anecdote Don't patronise me Do your little anecdote you've got to say Love But no, ow, I met Noel Gallagher anecdote. Don't patronise me. Do your anecdote. Do your little anecdote you've got to say. Love, you've got to say. But no, ow, I met Noel Gallagher not long ago and Frank had just

recently interviewed him and he was very complimentary. Oh, nice. He said, yeah, I love Frank Skinner. He said, oh, he's quick. He's so quick, that boy. But maybe he was thinking of signing you up for some work yeah you know he might have thought you looked sprightly on your feet for the burglary in the wheels

yeah but what about what about the gorilla in sing oh yeah missus the uh being there for his dad when they come out of the robbery because i just love your reference points these days warm as my heart. It's fantastic. I don't think you'd be a very relaxed getaway driver from what you've said about parking on this show before now. You don't have to park, though, you don't have to get away.

You just sit in your car. Yeah. I don't know, I think, Frank... You'd probably have to find a good spot. Well, you don't want a really tight spot anyway, do you? Because you don't want them to get in a nude going, beep, beep, beep, beep, just going back and beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Hold on, what's that other noise?

Ooh. No, I think it's fair to say I'll never be a getaway driver. Never say never. Never say never, you're quite right. I might be. Yeah. It's interesting, though, his point, Liam, is he said they gave his brother the award,

I think seven years ago. Right. And he said, if you're going to give one brother one, you need to give the other one. I was a bit put out. You know what I mean? Obviously, he said, you know what I mean. Yeah.

I think he's got a point. What? All brothers should share awards. Well, our he's got a point. What? All brothers should share awards. Well, R. Keith's on the phone. He wants half that perry, eh?

Ridiculous. I tell you, when Bobby Charlton won football the year in 1966, obviously because they'd won the World Cup and all that,

the next year, Jackie Charlton got it. Right. I don't know if anyone really thought that Jackie Charlton was the footballer

of the year, but I think people thought oh come on, gave it his brother and in the cricketer thing in the 70s they gave it Greg Chappell and then a couple of years later gave it Ian Chappell so I think there is a tradition

of giving it of course Gary Oldman just won a Golden Globe for the Churchill Big Mo sitting by the phone. Waiting, eh? Hello? Any minute now. Never mind that.

Get ready with the getaway car. She'd be a good getaway driver. She would be, I'd say. Would she need a car? You could just cling to her. She wore a Velcro jumper. You could wear those you could wear Velcro

arm pads and just throw yourself and then she could race off. Yeah. I'd be all for that. Poor Big Ma. And what's she doing now, Big Ma? Daisy's already standing as correspondent. Is she still in it? Not currently. Not currently. Does that mean she might come back?

Spoken like an agent, actually. Sounds like you're in negotiations. Don't cross swords with Fix-It Finnegan. That's my advice. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Oh, got a bit of a gift this morning.

I did, yeah. It's some kind of ab workout device. I loved it. What's it called, Frank? What is it called, Frank? It's called the burn machine. The burn machine. TM, I think, probably. Yeah, I thought, you know, it would be like, frank it's called the burn machine the burn machine tm i think probably yeah i thought you

know it'd be a like um the george foreman lean green grilling thing oh i like that as well yeah but one of those yeah but no because al is known for his bodybuilding i'm not a bodybuilder i'm not i'm definitely not a bodybuilder in that respect at not a bodybuilder. He's like Jeff Capes in that respect. Except Jeff Capes was up front about it. He wasn't a closet bodybuilder. Closet bodybuilder. Hey, if you ever went on the Twitters, that would be a good bio. Closet bodybuilder.

Fabulous. I'm not a bodybuilder. Closet builder. If you're in the car business. Anyway, James, my manager is... Or a closet builder. Someone's a... You'd think, well, is he a secret builder

or does he specialise in closets? A joiner. Yeah. Carpenter. Whatever it is. So, you got your fitness equipment. Yeah, my manager James... If a joiner wore...

Outerators. Would they be joiner-inners? Oh, very good. Sorry, carry on, Alan. He sent some weighted device for working out my core. Yeah. I haven't really investigated. Why was he so interested in your core?

I don't know, but, you know, it's nice. Well, you got it out and we had a look and it seemed to be only working out your wrists was what concerned me. Yeah, I think that's not... I think once you know what you're doing... Yeah, I don't know if you've fully explored its potential. No, absolutely not.

It's going to be quite a weekend. Well, I like my exercise to be done in private rather than with five people that are having breakfast watching it. I'm imagining you using this in the aisle of an aeroplane. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I can see that. You know, sometimes you see women do yoga and that in the aisle of a... Never seen that.

Never seen that? That sounds all right. Oh, God. What do you mean? I mean, that sounds all right. What do you mean by that? It sounds all right. To actually be bold enough to get up and publicly exercise. I find myself despising them. Oh, do you? by that? It sounds all right. So, actually be bold enough to get up and publicly exercise.

I find myself despising them. Oh, do you? Do you? Yeah. I mean, I know that's wrong, because they're just trying to keep fit, you know, and all that. But I just think... Oh.

Yeah. That, I'd say, is what I think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just because, you know... You don't want to see that cobra. Snakes on a plane. Exactly.

Come on, I'm fair. Very good. My previous birthday gift from James and my management was some posh driving gloves, which at first I thought, I don't think I really need them. Looking back, were they driving gloves or were they a precursor for the burn machine? You think I should be using them to...

Just so you don't get too scorched, the finger area. Anyway, I'll confess now, when I first got the driving gloves, I thought, this is a novelty gift. It's a nice thought, but that's all it is to me really, is a novel. I wear them every time I drive now. Do you? To the point where I've caught myself saying, I just don't like the feel of a steering wheel anymore. If only there was something in or around the

dashboard of a car that was designed for keeping gloves, innit? Well, I just can't think of any suitable I must come up with something. Oh, that's annoying, isn't it? I use the passenger seat am I doing it all wrong? I just chuck them on the passenger seat. Am I doing it all wrong? I just chuck them on the passenger seat.

I like to have a glove mounted on the top of the steering wheel so it looks like I'm acknowledging people letting me in. Rather than accidentally affront somebody. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. And I'll tell you what I Jay Lawrence is on before us oh yeah he not Josie Lawrence

it's actually Jay Lawrence Jay what yeah he he came to see us didn't he oh yeah

we had a little visit because we sit around for an hour looking at the papers and stuff like that. And, I mean, the papers, because we have a lot of East European staff that we have to make sure they're supposed to be here. Papers, please. That's our catchphrase for the first hour.

I see my role as largely admin. It's very admin-heavy, role as largely admin. Yeah. It's very admin heavy, actually. Yeah, very admin based. That's why I wear the driving gloves, because my fingers are riddled with paper cuts from the admin that we do. I see my role as ladmin. Oh, lovely.

Anyway, I walked past the studio while OJ was in action. He stands for the whole show. I thought to myself, that's what I thought. What are they after? The young. So anyway, he nipped in after. And in a very lovely way, he'd obviously listened to the show or some of it. And we were talking about, I think it's something I've narrowed down

to calling it a big moment. Oh, okay. And a big moment is when people tell you something as if it's a remarkable fact that no one knows, i.e. that Big Mo is Gary Oldman's sister. In fact, everyone does know. Most people do know. And he said he'd been thinking about it,

and he thought of one, and I thought it was a very good one. And it was the bloke who directed Moon. Duncan Jones. Duncan Jones. And then people, whenever... I'm struggling to not do it now. Yes, terrible.

And people say, you know, he's David Bowie's son and he came in Daisy had her mouth open she didn't know yeah, and he said he came in and he said I've been thinking about it I was pretty pleased with that one

and I said that is a good one unfortunately my own partner this week told me that Duncan Jones was David Bowie's son. And I went, I left it at that.

Yeah. We're on holiday. You didn't want a big moment on holiday. I don't want a big rowment. So I just let it

go. But it is, I think it's a good one. Yeah, definitely. I like this cross-pollination

of the shows. I do. When I was a young man, it used to be What was it? It used to be Fingy. Who? Shirley MacLaine. Oh yeah, and Warren Beatty. And Warren Beatty, brother and sister.

Yeah, that was a big moment. But now you say that now, people say, who's Shirley MacLaine and who's Warren Beatty? And why are you dribbling and what's that smell? And I'm sick of it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and Alan Cochran and Emily Dean.

The finest trio you've ever seen. Follow the show on Twitter on your computer screen. That's at Frank on the radio. Do you know what I mean? Very good. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website and keep it clean. Respect. Very good. Very good.

I'm really happy with that. I'll tell you what hasn't been in the news much in recent years, to my knowledge. The Crimean War? The Crimean War. You want to come round our house? Not so much. They loved a bandaged head in the Crimean War. True.

Have you seen a picture of the Indian? They always have strange thing to say. They always have a bandage with one big red dot on it. Yeah. And why is that? We'll probably have somebody answer that. I didn't know that's the Japanese got the idea for their flag. Had a look at some Crimean War.

It's good. I like that look. Just like the red dot against wire. It just works for me. Did it start as a bandage, the Japanese? 8, 12, 15, any history fans? On the flag? What are flag fans called?

They've probably got a word, haven't they? I bet they have, yeah. Yeah. Polsters. Yeah. Maybe. What I was going to say that hasn't been in the news is raving.

I don't think I have read a news story about raving for ages until this week. What you mean? Whatever happened to raving? I thought it had gone. Well, it's back. And I quote from a newspaper here, Hard-partying students at Britain's poshest universities are attending David Attenborough-themed raves.

Yeah. I didn't think they were going to any raves. No, it's like the Tamagotchi, the comeback. Is it? Is it coming back? Yeah. I'm in off your 3310. Everything's coming back in. We should say what happens.

It sounds a bit arch. Well, let's discuss. Let's, you know, reserve our judgment, Frank. Sure. Essentially... I hate reserving my judgment. OK, well, we're going to have a problem then. My thing with judgment is spend, spend, spend.

It's like it never worked out in the legal profession for you. Exactly. However, what we should say goes on at these raves is that they wear masks of Sir David Attenborough's face. That's a comfortable evening. Why not? They queue up. Nice and easy to drink.

You should go to one of Jonathan Ross's Halloween parties. Oh, you do? Do you think they constantly have to lift the face up to have a sip of vodka, lime and soda? They queue up to take selfies with a cardboard figure. What's the point of taking selfies with a cardboard figure if they're wearing a mask? Good point. Also, come on, why would you be that desperate?

Someone must know him amongst you. No, they don't know him. They're at University of Leeds. It says Britain's poshest university. Exactly. Well, it starts... What it means. What paper said that?

Oh, I don't know. I believe... I can't remember. Probably the Daily Fail. Yeah. As people call it. I bet it's the Sun, isn't it? I think it was the Sun, yeah.

I think the Sun apparently got their logo from the Crimean War back then. Heard that. Heard that. They just think anyone who goes to university must be posh, don't they? Well, I think what's happening is the Ravers already visited Leeds and Liverpool,

but is set to go to Cambridge, Oxford, and some others that aren't as posh. They stream episodes of Blue Planet. Yes. Tedious. Behind the DJ screen. And, you know, I suspect that would work well because they like to get carried away with the music.

And also when you're dancing, Big Fish, Little Fish, cardboard box, you've already got the fish. I'd like to say you going in at a rave doing that now in front of the youth. You don't think they do Big Fish, Little Fish anymore? They don't do that anymore. They're gone.

Yeah, no cardboard boxes. Hang on, they're watching Blue Planet. There's never been a better time for Big Fish, Little Fish. No. What's wrong with these people? They don't even do dry yourself down with a towel, which was a great move. Anyway, I think, I don't know what you're thinking, Frank,

but is there a part of you thinking this might be sort of set up a bit in some way? Tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that if there's one thing that students like, it's going to things that aren't that good so they can say that they've been to them after.

You know what I mean? It's a bit like they say every afternoon we get together and we watch Bargain Hunt Yeah well great but you're not really enjoying it, you're enjoying the fact that you're being the sort of people who Yeah, and we watch Bargain Hunt. Yeah. Yeah, well, great. But you're not really enjoying it. You're enjoying the fact that you're being the sort of people

who can ironically watch Bargain Hunt. Yes. I mean, you grow out of this. You do. Not everyone does. It was going for gold in my day. It was very cool to sit around watching it going for gold. Yeah, and I think they used to watch Neighbours, too.

Yes, we used to do that. Judy, actually. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All of the above. Everything is an ironic statement. Yeah, and I think it's all right to actually properly like stuff. Yes. I think that's okay.

This has become serious, hasn't it? I just think it is. Who knew? Also, as you know, I got probs with David Attenborough. Have you? I have, yeah. Well, Frank thinks he's an accessory to murder. I think he's watched a lot of antelopes get torn to pieces

when all he had to do was go, Lion! And it would have been out of there. Or just say, we've all had a drink. And then he comes out with his Doctor, he plays his Doctor Who card, you know, we're not allowed to interfere. You haven't gone through time, David.

You could have. It won't change the history of the world if that antelope gets away. Are you sure? Well, I'm totally sure, to be honest. It will change the ecosystem.

I'm completely sure. Thank God. What if an antelope had gone in Richard Madeley's window when he had the club, the blood-covered golf club in his hands? Eh? Still with a bit of hair on it from poor old Gallagher.

I didn't bear thinking about it. It's funny, we've only got it trapped in the hornage. Oh, that'd be difficult, wouldn't it? Trying to get it... I'll tell you what, if I killed an antelope in my house, I'd have the head set in the front step and use it as one of those... Use the horns for getting me wellingtons off.

Oh, that'd be good. Very useful. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So this David Attenborough rave, which I think we've established is a slightly ironic premise for a night out. Well, can I say as well, you know, the Liam Gallagher thing, but they gave it to my brother and I thought they'd have given it to me.

The award, yeah. I gave it to my brother and I thought they'd have given it to me. The award, yeah. I feel that Richard Attenborough was absolutely the star of the family. Yeah. And then he died and then David sort of moved in a bit. You think? He was absolutely... I think that's quite like that.

You know, he made big, I mean, massive films. He was an actor, director. Right. He did Gandhi he was in Brighton Rock he was in Jurassic Park he was brilliant right David becoming a big star now he's a bit Jackie Charlton

winning the year after Bobby I mean he did he used people in his programmes and films as well, which are more interesting. Animals are hard to work with, though, we know. And there were scripts, you know. It turned up as well. He didn't sit somewhere in London doing the voiceover when someone had spent four years on a ship filming stuff.

He was a hands-on Richard Attenborough. And now David Attenborough, he's like the most famous Attenborough. That's absolutely ridiculous. Wow, I mean... You've really got a bee in your bonnet about the Attenboroughs, haven't you? If I had a bee in my bonnet,

he'd probably be three blokes around filming it. And he'd be doing a voiceover about it. Especially if there was a bus stop after hours with those bees. If they were strung out on pollen. Do you think they got on, Dickie and David? Oh. I believe so. I believe they did.

I think they did. Yes. I like the idea. They actually burgled my house in Bramble. Is that right? Yeah. They did, yeah. He stole my parrot, David Attenborough.

What you should have done there is inserted the caveats like Richard Maidley did. They've probably forgot about this by now. I like the concept of someone going into a house as well. He stole your parrot. He stole, you know what he's like for the natural history. And Richard Attenborough, I'm sure that's one of our towels that Ben Kingsley's wearing in Gandhi. Oh, anyway. Oh, anyway.

Oh, dear. Moving on. That wasn't the only rave, because there's another... Oh, raves. You don't hear anything about them. And then two come along at once. This one, this one I'm afraid I was... It's probably the one on a boss, isn't it?

Well, I was extremely cynical about this rave. OK. Because it was called Ministry of Greggs. Oh, yeah. And it took place in a Greggs in Birmingham, funnily enough. So this was... A very big Greggs next to West Bromwich Albion.

Well, thanks for that, Fact Fans. Yeah. Any meat fans or pie fans out there? They do vegetarian options it's more of a it's like a sort of Greggs world is it

more than just a standard shop I saw the pictures and I have to be honest they did look slightly staged what the Greggs right I think what happened was somebody got in touch

saying we're having a school reunion can we have a rave in your did they in your Greggs and Greggs went well yeah and then some. But I thought students were the sort of moral voice of the country nowadays.

And then in the middle of a national obesity crisis and a week where they've announced the process food leads to cancer, they are happily having a rave in Greggs. Is that responsible? They weren't happily having a rave in Greggs. Is that responsible? Well, they weren't happily having a rave. There were about 20 people there. It was a bit like when they do a protest on a soap opera and there's four placards and everyone's shouting in unison,

out, out, out. That's what the rave felt like. OK, but it's still, come on, it's sending out the wrong message. I thought the students were for no fat forming. I said I thought the students were for no... Yeah, we know. Oh, OK. We understand.

So perhaps you hadn't heard me. I don't get it. No platforming. Oh, right. Wow. That's all right. I've explained it. Only the X.

People have been de-fat formed. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it. OK. We all up to speed? Yeah, I feel a bit sick. I'm just talking about this much fat. So this Ministry of Greg's rave,

they did Vox Pops with the student. Yeah. I watched a little local news package on it. Yeah, I was quite interested in it. And the students, they had these little sound bites, and they said, what do you think of the evening? And one of them said, wicked. Wicked is back. Good.

No, I don't think it is. I think they were told to say that. Oh, do you? Well, then the other one... Very suspicious about this news story, aren't you? I am quite suspicious about them., I don't think it is. I think they were told to say that. Oh, do you? Well, then the other one... Very suspicious about this news story, aren't you? I am quite suspicious about them. And I'll tell you what else. The other one went banging.

Banging? Okay, a bit sus. But then the third one... Her heart was banging, having eaten in the restaurant. The third one, Al. Mm-hmm. Okay, this is where I draw the line. It's Gregalicious.

Oh. Oh, now we've got a bit of product placement. We've got a little bit of trouble here, Al. Yeah, I think you're right. But what about that advert the years ago? It's crumbelievable. Oh, yeah. I mean, that was...

Oh, they're selling out and then they're selling out. I mean... Anyway. They did say, one of them said, Oh, it's great, you can rave. And it was fuelled by all the sausage rolls a person could wish for. And I thought, that's probably two, isn't it? Be careful what you wish for.

Two full size. And I've got a good appetite, but more than two. Oh, we know that. I don't think anybody wants more than two sausage rolls. Especially with the burn machine. I suppose. You could go to a Greg's disco and then go crazy.

I think as we've established, they are discos and not actually raves. Yeah, well, I don't... They're themed discos. They're like school... With the greatest respect, they don't know what a rave is, these people. They don't know what a rave is. But people. They don't know what a rave is.

But you make a very good point, Frank. It was a school reunion and they overlooked the chance of having a school disco-themed school reunion. Because that was popular. Raves are intense, dark places. Very little laughter and no conversation to speak of. A lot of drug abuse. People were strung out.

Yeah, exactly. People in odd costumes. Can we say that Absolute Radio disapproves of drugs in all its manifestations? All of them. What, even penicillin? Yes, it's anti that as well. I saw a man die here.

They wouldn't give him... Really? Yeah. Well, if he doesn't travel with his inhaler... It's terrible. They were just holding the insulin where he could see and they wouldn't Really? Yeah. Well, if he doesn't travel with his inhaler... It's terrible. They were just holding... They were holding the insulin where he could see and they wouldn't hand it over.

I don't like that. Sometimes they're really into the rules. I mean, it's a fair policy. I think it's too strictly adhered to, to be honest. But what can you do? You know? I don't want to cause a kerfuffle. We can bring it up at the AGM,

but what more can we do than that? Yeah. When is the AGM? It's Wednesday the 27th, I think. Hey, we've got to get our papers in order. Oh, yeah, don't worry, I'll sort all that out. Where's we got a checkpoint Charlie downstairs? Yeah.

OK. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Can I just say, you know when the back-to-school parties were at their uppermost? Yes. I was still doing stand-up comedy in student unions at the time

and they had a back-to-school party for freshers. Yes. I mean, that's only like two months ago that they were at school. It's the last thing they want. It's a nostalgia thing for something that's like nine weeks ago. At least their uniforms probably still fit them. Yeah. So that was good.

Bring your doffle back. Ridiculous. I've got a good themed rave idea Okay I would do a Frank Skinner rave It would be very poorly attended You say that Well I've got some ideas Okay

Your currency is the gitcoin Gitcoin Yeah You drink lemon barley water for the drinkers, for the non-drinkers, per no for the drinkers. Okay. I know what music we play, Frank. Go on.

The Fall, obviously. Okay. But I've got a really good idea, which is that the reserved signs on them, the reserved tables would have a sign on them saying Central Reservation. Oh, nice. I'm really pleased with that.

I've thought about it. And you have to dress up as a significant figure in Frank's life. Of which there are many. Yeah. Kim Jong-un, strange to mind. Pope. Peter the Wild.

Pope, number two. Kim Jong-un and the Pope. Well, I mean, you've got some scope there. You can have one of those black and white parties like Truman Capote, and I think Elton John used to have a black and white party. Did he really? Yeah.

Yes. I don't feel you like my Frank Skinner thing, Graeme. I just... We could wear your face. I can't help thinking of going there maybe as an esteemed special surprise guest and there being four people. Oh, yeah.

Me, Al, David Baddiel. I don't think Dave would make it. But anyway, it's a lovely idea. Thank you. I'm glad you like it. I was thinking if you had a sort of, here's my, if you had a lawn themed rave, so everyone has to wear green. Yeah. So that when you all dance together, you'd look like the blades of grass.

That would be lovely. And then when the foam aspect started, it looked like cuckoo spit. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. It could represent a grave. It could be a grave party. What about that?

We could tie that in with the Frank Skinner thing probably. A grave rave. A grave rave. That's good. Yeah. I was also thinking of one based on... I think you need someone to show on the screen, ideally. Oh, I see, yeah.

And I was trying to think of something very long. Have you ever seen Abel Gans' Napoleon, which I think is six and a half hours? I saw it once when I... I haven't seen that. I worked at an independent cinema called The Triangle in Birmingham. I think I've clicked on it on my wish list on Netflix. I think I've got it there on the back burner, as it were.

It's a cracker. And I thought the chill-out room could be based on the retreat from Russia. Oh, lovely. Yeah. I think that's what you want, something that people can learn from as well as... What are you going to learn from a Greggs party? That two is the maximum number of sausage rolls that you can learn from as well as... What are you going to learn from a Greggs party? That two is the maximum number of sausage rolls

that you can grab that you need. It's Greggalicious! Crombelievable. That would have been... We know we had Whatever Happened to Acid Ryan the other week. That could have been the theme tune for the Acid Ryan things. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an answer to my question from earlier. One who is a hobbyist or general admirer of flags is called a vexillophile. Lovely. Just like to give out some a vexillophile. Lovely. Just like to give out some...

Vexillophile. Yeah, sometimes I see this show as being kind of a public service information thing, you know. Always. Try and be useful. We've also heard from the outside world by email and tweet and text. Some Berkshire Blade tweeted the. Some Berkshire Blade tweeted the show. Berkshire Blade? Yes.

You heard. Idiotic eureka moment. Parker in Thunderbirds is a pun on what he does for a job. Oh, I love that. Do you think that is? Normalness of determinism at its best. Is he a chauffeur? Yes, he is a chauffeur. Or a val its best. Is he a chauffeur? Yes, he is a chauffeur.

Or a valet parker. He's a... Yeah, he's a valet stroke parker. That's what he is. Yeah, I'd love to know if he actually did get the name like that. I should ask him. How could we ever find that out? I've met the voice of Parker a few times

have you he's worked with them all yeah he's a very nice chap and he always tells the story of Gerry Anderson

took him to a restaurant and said listen to this waiter and the waiter came over and said can I help you and he spoke

exactly like Parker so he just did that we've had another nominative determination what about Minnie Driver yeah funny she'd been with the Albion players this week Parker so he just did that. We've had another nominative determinism. What about Minnie Driver? Yeah. Funny she'd been with the Albion players this week. Yeah.

She'd have come in handy. I'll tell you something though with on the nominative determinism in Thunderbirds there was also Brains. Yes. Yeah. Of course. Now what you've got to ask is what comes first? Well surely that was just a nickname, wasn't it?

Was it christened brains? Like the footballers called the person who read The Guardian once. You know the idea that Barmer Harris's parents showed tremendous foresight? But why didn't it be good if the Thunderbirds people had all gone for the brains thing? So Scott in Thunderbird 1 would be called like Aeroplane, which is basically what Thunderbird 1. Thunderbird 2, Horlidge. He'd have been called Horlidge.

Alan in 3 would have been called Space. Gordon in 4 would have been called Water. You've really committed to memory the Thunderbirds, haven't you? And then number 5 would be Switchboard for John. Because he just stayed in space taking the calls. Right.

Did you not watch Thunderbirds? Yeah, but I haven't committed every single character to memory. Haven't you? No. I didn't commit them, they're just there. They just went in. What, the strangest character names. We should call you Brines.

Yeah, thanks. Brines over there. There's a character. There's a character dictionary. There's a character called Tintin. In Thunderbirds? Yeah. Oh, I don't like it

when they cross the streams. Oh, I don't like cross-pollination. It's weird, Dad. This is like when you get an Emmerdale actor in Coronation Street. It's confusing for people.

But why didn't someone say, it's a female character, why didn't someone say, I wouldn't call it Tintin because someone's already had... Yeah, yeah. I thought I'd come in to you and I say I've written this I've written a novel about this character

Called James Bond I would hope Now let me just give you A heads up if I ever do that Say to me I'll be honest with you There is already a James Bond Fictional character that's quite well known.

But they've just gone for it. I think this is why people aren't replying about my manuscript, Tessa the Derbyverse. Well, depends how you're spelling it. Yeah, you did have Tessa with an A on it. We haven't got time for another nominative determinism, have we? Go!

This is from John from Manchester. He says, Frank and team, I was watching BBC's Inside the Factory last night on the catch up. On the catch up is great. With the episode focusing

on the Ribena factory. Oh. Other fruit juices are available. As it turns out, the name of the farmer who harvests the blackberries that go into Ribena is Mr. Berry.

Come on. Do you mean the real farmer is Mr. Berry. Come on. Do you mean the real farmer? Yeah. Because if it's the cartoon character then it would be Mr. Berry. His name is actually Mr. Berry. That's great. Dave Berry in fact does it in his spare time.

Is that right? Yes, when he doesn't have shifts here we call it shifts. Is that the Ribena fact? Yeah, it's Dave Perry. I didn't know that. Well, every day's a school day, isn't it? Yeah. I've been hiding my other work from them

in case they took offence. But now it turns out you can work in the soft drinks industry. Do you remember when that gorilla drank six litres of... Yeah, yeah. And he went on a rampage.

Yes. Went on a rampage and did the most purple wee any animal has ever done. A word scene, I would have thought. My worry about Dave Barry doing so much voiceover work

is the quality of his work being diluted oh come on absolutely excellent work because there's a Matt Barry

who does the voices here yeah Matt Barry Sam Balam very fruit based I'm starting to think there might be in a place might be in the basement well what's the signature colour of absolute come on very fruit based I'm starting to think the Ribena place

might be in the basement well what's the signature colour of Absolute come on that's true as well there's a definite tie in with Absolute and Ribena there isn't a station called Absolute Ribena is there? I'm just saying there are overlords

Ribena do you think so? yes I thought we could have got some free Ribena. They've been very subtle about it, haven't they, until now? They have. It's like what they call those lizards that live under the

Illuminati or something. The Rippina Illuminati! The Ribinati. We've been ruled, but I have no idea. We're in the clutches of the black corneal world anyway

they've been good to me the Rabinati I won't hear them mocked so anyway that's that sorted so yes thanks for listening and if the good lord spares us mocked. So anyway, that's that sorted. So yes, thanks for listening and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks

don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.