The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Deputy Dawg

Episode Date: June 1, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss Simon Cowell's school views, Alun has surprised himself at a restaurant, Emily endured an annoying plane neighbour and Frank had a problems with bulls.

Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back on stage with his first stand-up show in four years. I think a man of my age saying my girlfriend is sort of on a level with a man of my age saying my skateboard. Live in London this June, at the Edinburgh Festival in August, and touring across the country this autumn. It's what I would call an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny. Book tickets now at frankskinnerlive.com This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do it! We've had... Oh, what was that? That's my spine. It's good, that. Not the matter was. Someone had a lovely evening watching you last night.

Oh, really? I should stress you were actually performing. It's cold on that carpet. Well, he then goes on to say he made sure we got our hours worth, so I won't investigate. No, I... Yes, there was... I was about to leave the stage and someone pointed out I think I'd only done 57 minutes. Did they really?

So I did another three. Excellent. Exactly another three? I think I might have gone over. It depends which night it was, but I think people play for an hour. Somebody said hang on, you've only done 57? That's great. I would say that. It's a good sign though. I mean, I took it as a good

sign. I've been at gigs where if people left a bit early, I would not have put my hand up and said, hold on a minute. Oh, sign, though. I mean, I took it as a good sign. I've been at gigs where if people left a bit early, I would not have put my hand up and said, hold on a minute. Oh, certainly, yeah. So, yeah, I'll take that as a compliment. Lovely. Yeah, you've been to shows in Edinburgh

where people come on eight minutes late and then go off eight minutes early and stuff. I think, you know, come on. For some people. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Value for money. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Value for money. Frank Skinner.

May I please ask you a brief question? You can. What do you have... Do you have a rider on this tour, Frank, food-wise? Because I think of you as a sort of Robinson's Barley Man. Mm-hmm. Maybe some nuts. I don't drink that so much now.

A rider, we should explain if you're not aware of it, is a thing that comes with your contract to say what you want in the dressing room. Yeah. So, exactly. But mine has changed radically. I think mine now says, crisp, one bag of crisps, one sandwich, brown bread, any fillet. Oh.

What happened? Someone's phone went off. I think it's yours, Frank. Okay. Mine doesn't do that. Oh, well, then it's mine. Okay. Sounded like it was Anthony Joshua's phone.

I imagine that's what he's got. I think I got a text from Liberties. Oh, okay. What, any news? They've probably got their own ringtone, haven't they? What's what he's got. I think I got a text from Liberties. Oh, OK. What, any news? They've probably got their own ringtone, haven't they? What's the news? Yeah. Was that a Liberty bell?

Yes. The news is I have a £10 voucher to spend there. Oh, tenner. That's tremendous news. In Liberty. Apparently every time I say brown bread on the radio, the deal is that Emily gets a £10 Liberty's phone. Yeah, so it's that.

It's like tea-making facilities, brown bread sandwich, any filling and crisps. Oh, you're so easygoing. In the old days, it used to be one pair of black socks and two locally themed postcards with stamps. That was when you were higher maintenance and more communicative with people, wasn't it? Yeah, and when people just didn't say, oh, well,

don't come then. You're going to have to get stamps and postcards. You have to cut your coat according to your cloth, etc. etc. I like the idea of the new socks. You asked for new socks. Black socks. I'm still wearing some asked for new socks. Black socks. I'm still wearing some of those black socks.

And that was from 97. That's a bit boring, though, isn't it? Couldn't you have just got any socks? That's the dilemma. What do you do when you get a hole in a sock? Do you throw both away? Do you throw both away? Yeah.

I just throw away the one with the hole. What do you do with the other sock puppet collection? I keep it on the off chance. That you do a puppet show? Yeah, it could be a puppet show. You start darning. Is that what you keep it in case you start? No, then I'd keep the one with the hole, wouldn't I, if I was going to start darning? Yeah, I thought you said you kept it. No, no, I throw the hole.

Oh, I see. Well, can I say they make good cloths? Floor cloths? Yes, you can use them. They're quite handy for that. With the hand as encased, do you see? I always think, keep a couple of black socks in case I go to a fancy dress party as deputy dork. I think that, because how frustrating would it be

if they said, you know, it's like 70s cartoon theme party and you thought, oh God, I threw all those black socks away. I'll have to go as Huckleberry Hound. It's not as good. Can't do the voice. I think what we might be overlooking is that Emily just gave us our first ever

mend and make do from Emily Dean. So you wear the sock on your hand and use it to clean the car. Is that what you said? I've never cleaned a car in my life, but if you wanted to clean a floor area, for example, or a spillage, I find it useful because I don't always want to get the marigolds out.

That feels like a big commitment. Wouldn't it? I feel a bit Dr Frank N. Furter if the neighbours come round. I don't like the Frank N. Furter look. Wouldn't it make more sense to put them on your feet and clean the floor?

That would be fun as well. Because you've got socks and floor. It's calling out for feet to be used as hands. And you'd look great while you were doing it. Skating around in the kitchen.

You could put on a Chubby Checker's Greatest Hits and twist the night away. Yeah, exactly. I once saw Chubby Checker's Greatest Hits and it was 14 tracks

and nine of them included the words twist or twisting. Stick with what you know, Chubby. Also, and I'll tell you after. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've heard from Ian996. Oh, yeah. Hi, gang. Ian, I-A-N or I-A-I-N? He's I-A-N. But don't get too excited because I'm afraid he's pointing out an error. Is he dissing us? I wouldn't say it was a full-on diss.

Is he stepping to us? I wouldn't say it was a full-on diss. Is he stepping? Is he stepping to us? That's what they say. But, um, know this. You'd need white socks to go to a fancy dress party as Deputy Dog. He had white feet,

not black. Oh. Just saying. Yes. Can I say, Ian? He had black, droopy ears. Yes.

Yeah, I thought you meant ears. That's where I was going to wear the sock. I thought it was an ear-based reference myself. Because if you listen to this show regularly, you'd know the one thing about fancy dress is that you just wear trainers or anything on your feet. No one ever completes a fancy dress outfit.

The feet always let it down. And the deputy dog's... I'm sticking with that. Deputy dog's ears, they stood out a lot for me because they were quite sock-like in consistency. It was strange. Look, it's a simple mistake. What I'll concede is I didn't specify I would wear them on my ears.

That's right. Sometimes with comedy, it's nice to leave them a bit of working out to do as well. Yeah, you're nudging at the pictures that you're painting. Yeah, but Ian, you're right in that he had white feet.

Yeah. Yes. But as my English teacher said at school, to me it's fine to be wrong, but not that loudly. Oh. I love that teacher. Yeah, yeah. I wish he hosted Question Time. You know who I hate on Question Time?

Everyone. No, I hate, there's always a man in the background or a woman, or a woman, but there's a loud voice. Put man. Often a man. But there's a loud voice going...'s a loud voice going and I'm like say your piece or be quiet you know those ones who just chime in

what I hate most on question time and it's the most excruciating I feel myself fold up into a tiny ball of embarrassment is when someone asks a question very forcefully do we think it's right that blah, blah, blah is earning more money than a nurse doing a 48-hour week?

Yeah. And then they have the conversation, they go back and say, so what do you think about the blah? And they go, blah, blah, blah. And they got nothing. All they had was their questions. Don't ever go back. Don't go back to them.

You're going to kill them for the rest of their life. Frank, also... Instead of remembering their big question, they're going to remember their, well, I... Oh, no. Can I also say what's worse is a smattering, a sort of two runs on the village green applause. And I'd just like to say,

if the government could maybe get on board a little bit more with this then we wouldn't be in this situation and they expect the big applause break and there's that I don't like the way this has become a big question time but

politicians say things and they move towards applause like that maybe we can do that tomorrow. And I wish sometimes the crowd would have an agreement. Don't clap. Like at festivals. Are you having a good time?

Just nothing. I'd love that. I would so love that. Speaking of things only men do, as you were mentioning, I think of myself as a warm-hearted, humanitarian, amiable person

who doesn't want to see anyone come to any harm, right? But whenever I see... I like that, the producer laughed. But whenever I see, and it's always a man, whenever I see anyone riding a bike with their arms folded, I always, I can't fight it, I want them to fall off and really hurt themselves. Yeah, yeah.

Now, that's not good in me. It feels a very human thing, though. It's like saying, it's like everyone who ever held handlebars is a loser is what they're saying I don't need handlebars

or just little stone in the road or something that just makes them well I just think what are you some sort of

Russian acrobat yeah it's really thought you'd look out if you're listening and you do that please stop doing that that's fair.

That's sort of a public service message. We've had a message in, haven't we, Al? We've had a couple from Ian. Ian. Do you want to break the Ian news? Ian of Deputy Doggate. Was it Deputy Dog? Deputy Dog.

Dog. Spelled D-A-W-G. Yeah, that's how I was saying it, hopefully. Because my instinct at first was to just say Deputy Dog. Yeah. Which isn't... It's not a thing. No one remembers him anymore.

Anyway, I don't know if our readers can cast their minds back to just a few moments ago where you were saying that you got three black socks on your rider so that you could do a deputy dog impersonation. Three. Not three black socks, as in three lions. That might sound like I was going as the three of spades. Yes, it wasn't that.

Three black socks on your rider. Anyway, there was then a little brouhaha where Ian said that you'd want white socks and you said no, he had black. Well, he said because he had white feet. That's right, black feet. No, white feet. Oh, okay.

Anyway, I've messed this up. No, it's okay. Ian has now responded saying he had white ears too. Full stop. Love, Ian. Okay. He has got white ears. Yeah, it turns out he has got white ears.

You were thinking of Droopy, I think. I was thinking of Droopy, and it's a similar thing. But you know what? I was wrong. Mayor Culper, Mayor Culper, Mayor Culper. Good for you. Now, Ian did start by saying he'd got white feet. I love a man who's going to admit he was wrong.

He did, yeah. But even so, he did not. Deputy Dog, it's official, did not have black ears. Well, I think Ian perhaps sensed that this would be a difficult moment for you because a minute later he then texted, you could go as Huckleberry Hound, he had black ears. I love that. I've put the tone in there. No, that's lovely. Ian. I think you'd be a as Huckleberry Hound. He had black ears. I love that. I've put the tone in there.

No, that's lovely. I think you'd be a great Huckleberry Hound. I've got... Oh, my darling. Oh, my darling. That's it. Oh, my darling Clementine. Nice yodelling.

Nice yodelling there. If I went to the 70s cartoon theme party... Let's call it the Hanna-Barbera party. Hanna-Barbera. I would go as Benny from Top Cat. Okay. So I'd have a purple catsuit underneath, because he was purple in colour, you may remember,

and a white... He had like a white almost tuxedo jacket with just the one button. I don't know if we had Colatelli at that point. Anyway, I've got to play something for you. Okay. Okay. Correzione, correzione, ole, ole, ole. Anyway, I've got to play something for you. OK.

Good stuff. It is what I consider to be one of the strengths of this show that is happy to be corrected. I think I like to follow in life generally the basketball thing of if you commit a foul and it's called, you raise your hand and say, yes, I did that. Really? I think it's a good thing.

I used to have a thing on TV shows that I worked on. If someone made a mistake, you would have to say, I'm sorry I made a mistake. Including me. But people got resentful about it. Less frequently, you would be my guess. But yeah. Yeah. It went about as well as the speech I used to do

about having friends in Birmingham who were really bright, intelligent, and who got jobs like working on the bins, and if they'd been living in London with the right connections, they would have been working in television and appreciating it more than people who got it easy. People never liked that one either. Anyway.

Tallulah Mayhem has tweeted us. Tallulah Mayhem I love it. To say the worst thing on Question Time is when someone asks a question and a worthy desperate for approval politician goes, thank you Alison or whatever their name is.

I like that Tallulah, that really annoys me as well. It is a suggestion that the ordinary voter matters to them, which, of course, they don't. Of course they don't. We know that. Don't worry, pretend. Yeah.

Yeah, you could do a fabulous sort of analysis of the human species from just question time. Yes. Everything that's wrong. Fabulous, if not depressing. A little bit depressing, but you know, I think a little bit depressing

is not necessarily a bad thing. No. I mean, I, for example, just like Lee, have started responding to things by going, which is a Mr. Bean thing. And I started doing it

as a joke. And now it's started to become natural. And I've done it with people who I know, but don't know what I'm doing. And they think I'm drowning. Frank, I really need you to do this on Question Time. What about if they said,

yes, what about you at the time completely denied that and now you've changed your policy? No, we have an email that was hanging over. It arrived at the 11th hour. Oh, right. I don't mean the first Matt Smith episode. I mean the 11th hour of the last... Oh, was this when I'd gone to the airport?

You scarpered, didn't you? Yeah, I left. So you left, it became very men's club. How was it without me? It was really blokey. The room suddenly smelled awful of perspiration. And links. I did actually pick my nose.

I thought it might have all gone a bit, you can leave your hat on. Yeah, exactly. But it didn't. I think that is the worst song that was ever made. And, can I... I honestly do. I can't think of a song that makes me feel more sick

than you can leave your hat on. Probably read the second hour's playlist there, Frank. Bad news for you. Also, the least sort of... I don't know what the second hour's playlist there, Frank. Bad news for you. Also, the least sort of, I don't know what the appropriate word to use is, but it wouldn't get me in the mood to take your hat.

I don't want hats in that area. You can leave your hat on. No, don't leave your hat on. Want some trilby? Or a flat cap. I wear a flat cap. That's no use. We're not with me, you don't. We're not with me, you don't. The Ringo Starr quote.

You can leave your hat on. No, you're all right. Anyway, we did have an email responding to... We had a conversation. The conversation... We've had many. It was an ongoing thing that we have in here about Kinder Eggs

and the fact they are illegal in America because in America you cannot sell a foodstuff with something inside it which isn't a foodstuff in case someone takes a Kinder egg like a lozenge and swallows the plastic toy. Have there been any Kinder fatalities? Good question.

That is a good question. I don't know the answer to it. Okay, maybe Ian will know. They invented kinder joy, which is the American version, kinder joy, comes in two halves. One with the gooey chocolate and the other half with the toy.

Sounds a bit, you can leave your hat on. But then, part two, this is part three that's coming up, part two someone said that their friend had immediately on hearing about this conversation, said, well, what about fortune cookies? Which was a very good point.

And now John has emailed, hey guys, is it because fortune cookies are given away free in the US and not sold? And then he adds, nailed it. With an exclamation mark. Well, what do we think? Well, also, can I just say, he has nailed it. With an exclamation mark. What do we think? Well, also, can I just say, he has nailed it John.

Maybe that's his name. Maybe he's like one of the creators or something. Nailed it John. Yeah. I'll tell you what, give old nailed it John a call, he'll be down for it. Do you know what I mean?

Or it's nailed it John a saying. Like, you don't know Jack. Oh, yeah. You know, that kind of... Anyway. Okay. Has John nailed it is the question. What do you think about... You see, I think I could probably go

to the Wing Yip Chinese warehouse. Yes. Near to the... I can't remember where it is. Oh, it's a bit of a... A12. Is it Wembley? Yeah, Wembley.

But if I went there I think I could probably buy fortune cookies I think you could for catering yeah in a big catering box yeah exactly

oh remember those people it used to be a place called Macro oh yeah people would say I've got a macro card what

you could go in there and buy oh man big boxes of stuff that was the the Black Nando's card of its day. Yeah. It began the national obesity crisis.

People would go in and buy 24 Mars bars because you could get them like that. Is that right? They'd ate most of them before they got home. Exactly. Well, I would say with the fortune, Kiki, you're correct, you can buy... I was going to say Kiki.

Fortune Kiki. Fortune Kiki, you're correct. You can buy... I was going to say Kiki. Fortune, Kiki. Fortune, Kiki. Fortune, Kiki. You can buy them as a wholesaler, but they are given free generally to the public. Nailed it, John, is correct. Yes, well, here's my thing. If I...

Do you remember those teddy bears that would occasionally be exposed in the paper as having razor sharp elements to their skeletons? Yes. And the one had come through and a child had nearly, you know, all that. If I was giving them away free, that wouldn't get me off the hook, would it? No. I think if I'm joking people, the fact that they didn't have to pay for it.

Yeah. I just think, who are the people that take a kinder egg like a lozenge? But I'm not saying they deserve to die because they're that foolish. But the point being, it's not illegal to eat them, it's illegal to sell them.

Yeah. Okay, so again, nailed it, John, has a point. Well, I, yeah, I'm, I mean, I'm now obsessed by this how many people, but I don't know if we should be doing death statistics. How many fatalities

as a result of a... She's shaking her head. I think she might be worried about... I remember reading about... Hello, Mishkondorea. A serial killer in Central America who killed... That's nice. And he'd killed 80 people, exactly. Bang on.

Yeah. And I thought he was one of those blokes, you know those blokes who, when they put petrol in, have to click till they get the exact round. But it's not the right place on breakfast radio. Shouldn't this be about sunshine? So tonight, obviously, is the Champions League

final. Two managers, one German, one Argentine. Oh, I love that. Sounded like the beginning to Romeo and Juliet. I'm... What word will they definitely use in their interviews? There's a word that's become completely and utterly embraced by managers from overseas,

and I think they are attaching a significance maybe I'm not getting. But what they say more than anything is moment. Oh, yeah. It's a very special moment. But in this moment, it's... Where does that come from, the moment thing? I've got it.

It's an X Factor thing. Oh, like this is my moment. Well, they have the journey, the moment. This, you know, you get Simone will say, this is your moment. This is your night can you imagine Pot and Jurgen Klopp

singing this is my moment do you think they've picked it up from watching X Factor do you think they're watching

they watch the football on a Saturday don't over please get back they have their shower then they eat with their family and then they watch X Factor

I don't know if Klopp has the shower but um well I'm going to try he's not as clean as Potch I don't think he doesn't think so Potch is immaculate

he's like you Frank immaculate I might try and do a moment count tonight see how many we get yeah

you could have a drink of barley water every time. We used to do a thing with the Queen's speech where we used to pass around something to each other who was watching it every time she said Commonwealth. And the one who was holding it at the end got a fiver from everybody.

Those were simpler times. We could make it 20 now with the moment game. I don't think they you know, they literally watch the X-Acto. I would say that sort of language has ended the lexicon now. But they use it in different ways. They say things like in this moment. It's really become a thing. It's freaking me out.

I watched the Europa League cop. I watched it with David Baddiel. I like the idea that you watched it with David Baddiel. I like the idea that you watched it with David Baddiel at his house and I was watching it on my own in my house. You weren't in your house. Fifteen doors away. You weren't.

You said you were going to his brother's house. Too far away. That's where I was told I was originally. You guys know this is on the radio, don't you? Yeah, sorry. Sorry if I forgot. This is one of the rounds know this is on the radio, don't you? Yeah, sorry. Well, if I'd have known FS was up the road. This is one of the rounds

you could have during the link, during the songs rather. I thought he'd be with Charles. You know I love the Chelsea manager, Sarri, and he's, I know it's very unfashionable to Jane Smoke,

but I do, I sort of, I watch him suffering throughout the match, desperate, chewing things and stuff. And the idea now that the Europa League cop is in his office two-thirds full with cigarette ash

does delight me. Did you see Frankie got out a cigar at the end? I know, he got out a cigar and he showed it to another player like, look at this. He was like a kid who'd been given a fabulous bar of chocolate. He was, look at that.

And he undid the, you know they come in little metal tubes. He undid the little tube and showed them the actual raw cigar. Wow, he was so excited. But he was so naughty boy.

I'm going to have this now. Whoa! I can hear him doing that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We have had a few people guesstimating the solution to the rice paper, not rice paper, to the fortune cookie thing.

You know, we were saying that fortune cookies contain something inedible and therefore shouldn't be for sale in America if we are to follow the idea that the Kinder Egg has got something inedible in it. Some people, many actually, are saying is the fortune cookie paper made of edible rice paper so the little fortune is actually... I've cookie paper made of edible rice paper? So the little fortune is actually...

I've never come across an edible rice paper. Have you ever tried? Hold your high horses. I think they're a little bit more like the Christmas cracker joke in consistency. Would you not say, Al? Yeah, I think you're right. I love that you backed down. I like the idea that they're on rice paper, but I don't think you're right. Oh, I love that you backed down. I like the idea that they're on rice paper,

but I don't think they're true. I think that's people just thinking, oh, it's Chinese, there'll be rice involved. You could just consume the wisdom of the fortune cookie. What have you had for pudding? That'd be frustrating, though, wouldn't it? Because there's something in there that'd be really helpful to your decision-making

over the rest of your life. You're just there to eat. What sort of things do they say in fortune cookies? I don't really use them for their soothsaying. They say things like, it is time to reach out and be brave with new endeavours. Yeah. Oh, that sounds good.

And stuff like, you'll be hungry again in an hour. Yeah. And sometimes they're very Chinese. They'll say things like, be brave in your decisions, lest the titmouse fall prey to the viper. But I don't see them so much now they've got their mass very mass produced oh the fortune cookie yeah i hope there is a person somewhere a head office fortune cookie uh head office fc uh where um that they actually are some sort of

soothsayer i'm really opening i'm hoping they've at least made a gesture towards it being legit. It seems like it could be. I mean, if you're a person, that's sort of the commercial end of being a philosopher, I suppose, isn't it? Poets work for train companies and football teams and stuff now, don't they? Yes. I'm actually... Sorry, Frank. But you know when you hear of the police calling in psychics and stuff? Oh, where did you start?

Does that happen? No, they do. They do. Yeah. It's absurd. But I also think, with regards to the fortune cookie ink, I'm imagining a man or woman, perhaps with some incense burning. Yeah. I think he might go through his office area,

might have those beaded curtains that we like. In his section. In his section. He goes through to a beaded curtain and there will be a gong. There will be a gong. Oh, yeah. Okay? There'll be, but the rest of the place,

they're packaging food and stuff like that. But it's just got, he's got that, or she has got that one little bit and a massive pile of tiny bits of paper and a very small typewriter. Like a court stenographer in the astral world. Oh, that's how they're produced. Yeah, exactly. By the way, on the subject of the foreign managers, do you know when you call someone their wrong name

and then call them that forever, even when you discover their right name? I hope you don't mind. So the Arsenal manager, who is called... Unai Emery. Yeah. When I first heard Unai Emery, I thought it was Hooray Henry. Oh, yeah. And I've called him Unai Emery. Yeah. When I first heard Unai Emery, I thought it was Hooray Henry.

Oh, yeah. And I've called him Hooray Henry. Not even as an attempt to make levity. I just think of him now as Hooray Henry. Difficult. And then I thought, do people even use the term Hooray Henry anymore? It used to be quite a commonplace. It's gone the way of yuppieie hasn't it? But Hooray

Henry was a level above wasn't it? A bit posher. Yes you're right yeah yes. Bit of a Hooray now it's, well I think of them as the sort of made in Chelsea. Would that be a contemporary Hooray Henry would be one of those things. I think they're probably a bit more, I believe the phrase

is Euro trash. Wouldn't they're not quite as posh as the originales. Wouldn't Jacob Rees-Mogg, wouldn't he? Oh, he might sneak in as a Hooray Henry. No, I'm sorry. I can see him managing Arsenal. I'm not going to let that go. You're not?

I'm not going to let that go. The Hoorays were altogether a flashier breed. Oh, yeah, maybe. The Hoorays had a sports car. They were the Bullingdon club. You've got it. Yeah, he's not that flashy. Morris is a Hooray. Jacob Rees-Mogg not. No, maybe you're. The Hooray's had a sports car. They were the bullying thing club. You've got it. Yeah, he's not that flashier, I think.

Jacob Rees-Mogg not? No, maybe you're right. Do you see? Maybe you're right. We've got a lot of politics today, hasn't there? Yeah, we're never

allowed to talk about it. The elections are over. There has been a lot of politics, Alan. Thanks for your question. A lot of politics, yeah, exactly.

If we're going back to that lady, what do you think about it? Oh, terrible television. I'd like to get your thoughts on something, boys. It's to do with Simone Cowell. You're familiar with his work.

Yes. That's my affectionate nickname for Simon Cowell. I'm actually not that familiar with Simon Cowell's work, but I am somewhat familiar with him as a media figure. Yes. From this show, really. He used to be a record, not producer, but one of, what did they call him?

I think he was from a mogul. A mogul. He was a mogul. How do you get that? Leave school at 15, of which more later. 8, 12, 15. I'd like to know how you can become a mogul. He discovered, he made a lot of money

from discovering Robson and Jerome. Oh, yeah. When I say discovering, getting them rather cynically to release a single. A record deal. Because they were in a TV show. Soldier, Soldier. Yeah.

So good. And Anton Deck, he was responsible for their music career. Oh, yeah. Was he? Psych. I interviewed him once, and I said,

so what kind of music do you listen to, you know, when you're in your car? And he said, the thing is, you know, I have to listen to music at work. Right. I don't want to. And I have to listen to music at work. Right. I don't want to.

And I thought, I sort of thought you might like it. I didn't get any impression that he liked music in any way. I love it if someone said to you and Alan, what comedy do you watch or listen to? Oh, I do comedy at work. I don't want to laugh on my days off. I get a bit fed up of words after a while. I like laughing after a while.

A lot of people won't actually fess up to not liking music, though. But you meet people, and I can soon, after a few interrogatory questions... You can find out. I can work out that they don't. When they say, I like all kinds of music, that means you don't like any music. Well, I think also people are sometimes frightened to admit the music. I was too frightened to admit I always wanted 80s music on.

And now it's so great, I feel liberated, partly due to absolute 80s. Yeah, there's all that sort of thing out there. Because I feel it's a respectable station to ask for. I say, could you put absolute 80s on, please? I've advertised it. People love it. I love it. You'll be on the plant now.

People love it. I love it. You'll be on the plant now. Creep of the... What was it? Groveler of the week. Oh, yeah. Simone Cowell, boys. Yeah.

He has been talking about education. He's not a fan. He said in an interview this week that his son Eric, brilliant name, by the way... Fair play. Shout out to Eric. ..won't benefit from school. He said, if I could take him out of school at ten

to start working for me, I would. Mm. He's turned into some sort of Mr Bumble figure. I mean, that is quite a big if. I think that is... Well, he's also said... Legally couldn't do that. He said he thinks he's better out of school than in, and he addressed the issue of homework,

and he felt children got overstressed. He said when he was a child, he would just throw his homework away. He'd throw it away. Yeah. But that seems a bit strange, because how can you throw away something you haven't done? And perhaps if he'd paid attention at school,

he might have understood the language slightly better what well i i think that um what did you make of this i don't see how you can be anti-homework and then still have judges houses oh surely that's contradictory they should say look we if you can't get it all in at the studio, Simon, don't come to my Malibu beach house. Skinner like a truth-seeking missile here, straight to the double standards. I'm kind of with him on the homework thing.

People do say this a lot. I always think the homework is a bit... You know when you go in a cafe and they've got handwritten signs and there's two or three letters really squeezed up at the end homework is a bit... You know when you go in a cafe and they've got handwritten signs and there's two or three letters really squeezed up at the end because they haven't really planned ahead of it. That's what I think the teachers are doing

if they're giving homework. I think that it should be made to fit into the school day. And then when they come home they can, you know, do Lego and all the things that kids do. Or nothing. Do they have to do homework every night, by the way?

No, well, I don't know. I mean, my son's only seven, but he gets like bits and dabs. I don't like it. Can I ask a question? Sure. You know, legally, this is why Simon Cowell can't take his kids. I don't know what it is in America where I imagine he lives. But here, you have to go to school until you're 16 it's a legal

thing I know not everyone does but hey is there a legal obligation on the homework if I said you know what he's not doing any homework I don't believe in it is there any comment? I don't believe so well in that case

you've witnessed the beginning of a new era. Yeah. Wow. We've got some breaking news. The legality of you sending a child to school, not doing their homework, which is a position that I agree with, by the way. 786 has texted,

you may have signed a parent agreement with the school that says you will support and encourage your child with homework. Not quite the law. Never heard of legal action being taken, though. No. So I think you've probably... I mean, I don't want to've probably I mean I don't want to I don't want to cause a big storm

about it but I don't quite understand why it exists we've also had a few corrections because you said that kids have to stay in school until they're 16 is that what you said? quite a few corrections and I had a conversation about this just last week

children have to be in education or apprenticeship until 18 now quite a few corrections and I had a conversation about this just last week. Children have to be in education or apprenticeship until 18 now. The days of just walking out of school at 16 and getting a job are over. You can't do that anymore. I remember... Can I just ask the panel though if those are your views?

Sorry, can I just say? Well, I remember a couple of my mates three of my mates leaving at 14 right could leave at 14 then different times

yeah and and they they got egged egged yeah they got egged on their last day now if you got

10 year olds leaving couldn't they well they well Frank I remember they might they might die onto the barash

I don't want to be controversial but I do think we're babying children too much now you want more eggings I want more eggings and I want them

to be allowed to walk out of the school and get a job I ordered a hot chocolate for me and another one for my son the other day

two hot chocolates and they said oh we've made you one hot chocolate and one warm chocolate because it's for an infant. Like, I mean, how babyish are they? Can't they just have hot chocolate and wait a bit? Did you call them babyish?

It's my favourite term of abuse. Oh, something so babyish. I think they started with outrage, and then you started to say, well, I'm not paying full price for the warm one because you haven't used as much power. Is that right, though? A warm chocolate?

Whoever ordered a warm chocolate? Yeah, it's not even a thing. I hate a warm chocolate. I like it hot. And also, I think this leaving school early thing, I mean, I don't approve of what he's saying, but I would like to point out, Frank, that one of my relatives, I believe it was'm not, you know, I don't approve of what he's saying, but I would like to point out, Frank, that one of my relatives, I believe it was my great-grandfather,

was made redundant from the mines at 12. And... Yeah, but... Well, I found that out. We don't have time. The concept of redundancy at 12, and I remember this relative... I think it's hard for kids to take rejection that early. It was 12. Different times.

This relative of my mother said, he never got over it. Yeah. Well. Whereas today he'd be like, I think a tech start-up with my redundancy money would be a good idea. You're 12. Redundant at 12. But you know when people say, I don't think they should have winners and losers on the sports day. Oh, yeah.

It's bad for them to experience failure. But imagine redundancy at 12. From the minds. That's hard. I know. One question I'd like to ask is do you think a dog

has ever run off with someone's homework? You know that was a traditional... Did he eat the homework as well, the dog? The dog would eat the homework. I think this comes... You know that was a traditional... Do you think that ever happened? Did he eat the homework as well, the dog? The dog would eat the homework. You know that period after World War II when there was a paper shortage and children had to write on sausages

at school? My dog has eaten a photo. Has it? Now, see, I'd be suspicious of that if that was in court. No, he doesn't eat... It's not like you get back and there's nothing there. There are always remnants of it.

Yeah. But they chew the ends. They do eat, well, pretty much anything. I would say it's possible the A4 nature, traditionally, of most homework would lead me to believe that would be a big ask for a dog. Yeah. But they usually say run off with it as well, don't they?

As if they've taken and hidden it somewhere. Oh, right. If anyone listening has had any dog-related homework experiences, I'd love to hear about them. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. We've accidentally lit up the switchboard here, Frank. Really? With discussion of when it's legal to leave school in the United Kingdom. I'm shocked that thing about 18. And I'm so sorry. I'll have to reorganise with my finances.

I think you're all right. And can I just say, Frank, we've also had some actual real- dog ate my homework really stories yeah yes well for 611 hi all love the show sorry about the praise um my dog once chewed up the petri dish we'd been given for a biology homework experiment and yes my teacher was very dubious. Yeah, I bet. And similarly, 739, our dog ate my daughter's art homework. Sarah in Chesterfield, 204, morning all, praise redacted,

my dog chomped her way through the S section of my legal dictionary. Not sure what she was trying to say about the law, but that would hamper you. It would, yeah. That dog is better educated than Simone Cowell. I like that dog. Yeah, but I've actually said, right, so what? Now that we've given the verdict, we have to...

We have to... No, when you say how long they're going to be in prison, we have to... Oh, don't tell me it's on the tip of my tongue. If they did make it to being a judge and somebody went sustained and they went, what? What's that do?

We've also had 306, my rabbit nibbled halfway through my maternity notes, which I had to then take to every doctor's midwife appointment for the remainder of my pregnancy. Every time I saw a new person, I had to explain the shredding. We didn't ask for rabbits. We didn't ask for rabbits eating homework.

We especially said dog eating homework. What I like about that is that rabbits, of course, are one of the great symbols of fertility. Yeah. And then they were eaten through the maternity. I mean, we've had all sorts. We've had tortoises going to the bathroom on work here. Tortoises go to the bathroom.

Oh, one of the most harrowing. That'd be a journey and a half. Parrots tearing off corners of books. Really? Yeah, there's all sorts going on here. So it's not so... Dogs eating tenors. Yeah.

Not Placido Domingo, but The Note. I bet you Simon Cowell is at home now writing all of these down excuses he can use for Eric Eric Do you think Simon Cowell is projecting a little bit of anguish from his own school days

do you think that's why he didn't like school I feel like he got a wedgie that has lasted through to adult life and that's why he wears his trousers so hard. I don't think he still wears them high, does he? I think he still does. He does! He got so used to it at school that now he can't wear them at normal level.

The bottom is up by his neck. No, that's still not... Wasn't that his initial attempt at a facelift? He just held everything down onto the belt. And then it flapped up. You know when you see the roller blinds come off and go... That's what his throat was like. Because now, I've been the way...

I've said this before, but the way Simon Cowell looks now is... When he was on that Loose Woman interview, the woman says, oh, yeah, he looks like you, doesn't he, Simon? Unfortunately, you don't. She didn't. I wanted her to. She didn't.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can I ask you something? Because something awful happened to me this week, which was I was on a flight to Belfast, and, I mean, that was wonderful,

but there was a gentleman sitting to my left, and he did something which I find unacceptable, and I just wanted to know what you thought about this. He got out a bag of Doritos, and he held them aloft and poured them into his mouth. What? Is this... Hang on.

Was this a brand new bag? It wasn't like the tail end where there's the bits. The mini Doritos. The little bits. That worries me that you seem to be already moving into a direction where that would be acceptable. Yeah, I am, yeah. I think for the, what I would call the action man burritos

at the end, I think that's alright. The crumbs, yeah. Yeah, the crumbs, because they're very hard to get at. Yeah. Even if you take out a really good, you know, you get your finger

ends and you can get a cluster. There's always a bit in the corner. But why would you want shards of Dorito in your throat? Well, otherwise it's food waste, isn't it? Sorry, I'm sorry to get on to this. It's really... I'm getting flashbacks. Remember, I grew up in a family where my dad said if we threw bread on the fire, the devil would pop.

So the wasting of food, the wasting of food for me is quite a big deal. So in this situation, I'm with the man. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank. Oh, no. The pressure had a very proud moment this week when my son dropped a piece of pancake on the floor

and went, oh, no. Which he obviously heard me doing. In case you're new to the show, it's a Laurie McMenemy impression from way back. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I mentioned briefly earlier, or I referred, I should say, to a character sat on my left on a plane who was guzzling Doritos into his gullet. Yeah. And I disapproved.

You two thought it was the most normal thing in the world. Yeah. Fine to drink. Commendable. Fine to drink the last bit, I think. Even commendable. Frank even referred to the small shards as the action man Dorito,

which is a moment I'll never forget. Sorry for sounding like Pochettino. But David Haggett has got in touch via Twitter to say re-man on train pouring Doritos into his mouth, maybe he needed to avoid getting the dust on his fingers. Was he wearing a suit on the way to an interview maybe? Firstly, I like the dust. Dorito's dust, making it sound like

it has sort of magical properties. Yeah. Yeah, there's virtually no dust on Doritos. Oh, there's a lot of orange dust.

Oh, yeah. I see the orange dust. Perhaps I'm eating the wrong Doritos. Mine are not that orangey. Blue packet or orange packet? I never really look.

Okay. I had to pack it like two nights ago. I couldn't describe to you what... I don't think they were genuine. You know, people like Sainsbury's make Doritos. Oh, I think you have Snide Doritos. Moody. Moody Doritos.

Moody, innit? Is that what they... Moody Doritos. It was like the finger-licking southern chicken. Yeah, fake Doritos. Moody, innit? Is that what they... Moody Doritos. It was like the finger-licking southern chicken. Yeah, fake Doritos. Did you have Dixie fried Doritos? Yeah, Maritos or something, but very similar packaging. Can you not use the word Doritos, is that?

I don't think so. I was wondering, we played Valerie earlier. We did. By the Zootons. And I was wondering about if legally Patisserie Valerie could bring that out as an advert

so they go Patisserie Valerie It's a bloke going Patisserie every day and again. Can I ask a question? Would that be illegal? Is it still going Patisserie? I think it might have closed down. I think we've got a VHS. I think it was in a bit of trouble. I think it was in a little bit of trouble.

It rallied. It's that kind of talk that closes businesses down. And it did close. There'll be a rush now. Shareholders listening to this will go, Sacre bleu! I'm sure they will. Well, we all know what happened to Bill Clinton's cards.

Yes. As a result of my... I'm sorry. Are you all right, Frank? I'm all right, thanks. You know what happened to Bill Clinton's cards. Yes. As a result of my... I'm sorry. Are you all right, Frank? I'm all right, thanks. You know what that is? Don't open that bottle. You know what that is?

Do not. Sorry, everyone. That was like the world's worst radio play. A bit. Except I finished the sentence. A man falls off the wagon. In radio play. Don't open that bottle.

They say, don't open that. Martin, I thought you, I told you, never. And then you'd have to have this, don't open that. The sound of them clogging. Yeah, Radio 4 would be, Giles, don't open that decanter. Oh, lordy. Are you all right now, love? You had some Dorito dust.

Thank you. Yeah, Dorito's dust. Just talking about Doritos. Chris from Woodley Frank says, I always eat nice and spicy knick-knacks on the way home in my suit. Oh, OK. And always pour them in so I don't get greasy fingers.

I must admit, I think... Good strategy, Chris. That's nice to get a text from a high flyer, isn't it? But from... But from an aeroplane point of view, I always think aeroplane very much mini pretzels. That seems to be what they dish out. Yes, well... He brought on own Doritos.

He brought on own foodstuffs, which is a whole other discussion I'd like to have. I mean, all I'm saying is I've never seen anyone eat bread like, I mean, it was like a character from Les Miserables. You know when they take an urchin in in one of those films and they go, you haven't eaten in months, and they devour everything in sight. He was like that.

Well, I'm on Sunday brunch tomorrow. Are you? You know, you have a phone call with the researcher telling you what's going to come on. And they said, so we're doing these various meals. And I thought, result, Amanda? She said, bread is one of them. I thought, what?

This is my week? People do these elaborate, I get bread. Oh, I'm going round to yours tomorrow, so I might watch you on that. Yeah, I am. What, when I'm out? to yours tomorrow, so I might watch you on that. Are you? You are now. Yeah, I am. Yeah, when you're out. Did you know that Emily burgled? That's a side lie.

If you were one of those lady burglars, a bit like Raffles. Oh, brilliant. I mean, Raffles was a man, but nowadays, you know, 2019. Brilliant. I don't see why women shouldn't burgle. Agreed. That would have been applause on question time That's all I'm saying

We were discussing food just moments ago I mean knick knacks but I'm going to use it as a launch pad into a question about myself actually because I've shocked myself eating out quite recently. Well, we're all a bit shocked you ate out. We eat out a lot, but me and my family,

two children, two adults, were driving to the Lake District and we made a decision to stop off at T-Bay Services. I don't know if you guys are aware of this. T-Bay, no. It's the posh one. It's like a farm shop and very nice food. I thought it was like eBay but you can only get different brands of tea.

Oh, yeah. Very good. Like the Yorkshire at eBay. eBay gop. But it's very good. If you ever get the chance to go to T-Bay services,

I highly recommend it. Oh. But on the way... Extraordinary. What's he after? On the way... So, Frank, extraordinary holiday

recommendation. I'd got hungry and we'd made the decision to stop off and I said, oh I really fancy pie and chips today, I fancy pie and chips. And my kids said, oh I fancy pie and chips as well and my wife fancied pie and chips. So we get out of the car and I go up to the

Can I make a suggestion? Yeah. You should have had pie and chips. Well, we did have pie and chips. I knew it. Spoiler alert, we had pie and chips. But we walked in and they have this nice cafe and it's all local food and for local people. Getting the picture. But they had like a children's menu board

and it said children's menu plus one pound on an adult meal so if you buy an adult meal you get a kid's meal for one pound but on the children's menu was stuff like sausage and chips fish and chips burger and chips but did they have pie and chips no oh but i'd already said to the kids that they could have pie and chips and they wanted pie and chips. And you're thinking, I could have got them this for a pound. And so they had adult pie and chips each for something like £8.95 per person instead of... Do they eat a big adult size pie and chips?

They had a good go at it, yeah. And I paid for it. I cannot believe that this happened. And I've been feeling not myself since. It's probably a fortnight or three weeks ago. The car must have smelt with the stuff they'd left it wrapped in that doily. It smelt of paternal fury.

That's what it smelt of. So you were upset because... I spent almost £20 compared to what I could have spent. Is that quite a lot? £2. It's an awful story. It's an awful story. It's an awful story. It is.

I mean, I think it makes me a good dad, but I feel like I've fundamentally changed as a person. It can't be the real me. But I think what you have to do... For me, I'm thinking, Pixar, it didn't happen. What you have to do, Al, I think, is if you can cast your mind back to a time...

I mean, you may not even have been around, but certainly when I was growing up, there was no such thing as the children's menu. Right. So if you went out to dinner, children just ate the adults' food. Yeah. So you weren't catered for individually. We never went out, to be honest.

We never ever went out for a meal. Well, no, you had that lovely toasty bread your dad was burning on the fire. Entering on the devil. Couldn't go on the fire. But if we went, we just ate the adults' food. So I think the children, if you can try and perhaps remember, that's a relatively recent...

I honestly think part of the problem was that the children were with me. If they'd stayed at the table, because we were outside, it was quite a nice day and they had the dog, but if they'd stayed at the table and I'd gone in and seen that the pie wasn't on the kids' menu, I think I would have come back with children's food and said to them, there's no pies left, this was the last one for me. Could you?

I think I would have lied if they hadn't been with me. But could you not have had sausage and chips and then you could have got theirs for a pound and give them your pie and take their sausage? Oh, thanks, Jimmy.

Hang on, so I could have ordered them an adult meal and me and my wife a child's meal to go with it. Well, no, you could order them the child's meal but have sausage and chips

and you two have pie and chips because you adults are more flexible. Then you could have had their sausages and given them your pies. Oh, you know what? Just get four pies and be done with it that sounds expensive that's what i did do that was expensive i think we've worked out already that was a ridiculous hang on i think frank has just worked out how i could have saved 18 pounds about three weeks ago

i'm sorry absolutely furious it's you've got to do is downsize to a sausage. That's not a general rule of life. Don't isolate that as a jingle. Never worked for me. I've just had an email in which I enjoyed.

Oh yeah? Which is from someone who's still got an AOL email address, and I respect them for that. They sound like my kind of person. Hello, Fiona. She says, Are you familiar, I should say, with the concept of the show I'll Get This, Frank? Our mutual friend Adrian Charles was on it recently,

and it's where four celebrities gather. They do a series of dinner party games, and the loser has to pick up the tab for everyone. Is it called I'll Get This, Frank? I believe it is. No, it's called I'll Get This. But it should be. Oh, I thought you meant it was called I'll Get This, Frank,

which wouldn't be a bad title. I've said that before a few times. Yeah. Fiona says, Hello, they're wondering whether Alan will ever appear on I'll Get This, the dining game of Jeopardy. It could make excellent TV

seeing his panic gradually rise. Poor Alan. Hoping it'll happen one day. That's Fiona. Well, he'll never appear on I'll Get This, Frank. That's been chill out. Oh, dear, dear, dear. Can I ask you, frag I'd pitch you out oh dear

dear dear can I ask you we had a sort of legal question before didn't we about whether homework is we did and we've had a few answers saying that there's a sort of parental agreement

there's a loophole I smell a loophole I was on a walk agreement. Yeah, yeah. There's a loophole. I smell a loophole, but anyway. I was on a walking holiday recently with my partner. We like to walk. Yeah.

And we were going, it was an Oxfordshire type walk. We started off at Didcot Parkway. And then walked to Shillingford. That was day one. And the next day we ended up in Reading.

Just for those of you who are interested. Might be someone at home who likes the idea of maybe putting a little map together while I'm discussing this. But one thing, and this always happens to us, at least once when we go on a walking holiday. We went through a field where there were bulls in the field. Yeah.

Let's just find something comical. Well, it's actually... You've been stampeded, haven't you, in the past? I was properly... Well, one bull. I don't know if one bull can stampede. I was certainly charged. Charged, yeah.

I'll get this prank. So was I at TV services. That's another story. charged. Charged? Were you? I'll get this prank. So was I at TV services. It's one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. How did you stop it? I didn't. I ran and my hands were full. I had an electric kettle in one hand

and don't ask and a bag of shopping in the other and I ran and I could... The floor was literally shaking as this thing ran after me. Terrifying. That is such a last of the summer wine scene. It is, it totally is.

And I ran up a stile. You know when you have a stile in Chicago? Well, I didn't have a hand free, so I literally ran up it without using my hands. Jumped off to the other side side and this thing hit the fence. The whole fence went... I thought the fence was going to come. Frank, we could have lost you.

Exactly. But if a public footpath is going through a field, surely you can't have balls in it, can you? Is that allowed? 8.12.15. 8.12.15. Any farmers or law experts? I bet the word gelding or something comes up like that. That 8.12.15. 8.12.15. They'll be a farmer. Farmers or law experts. I bet the word gelding or something comes up like that.

Some of it will come up. Why do people get called farmer Giles? If anyone says pizzle, we'll be off air. That's my prediction. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, on this walk, we went, Kath and I, we went past what Kath claimed was, and she knows a lot about these things, what was Kate Bush's house. Oh, really?

And it was a remarkable moment. We stopped. You could only just see it through the trees. It's more or less obscured by trees, but there's one place on the path you get like, you can see the top 25% of the house. Oh. And she stopped there and had a look on her face

like I've never seen on her before. I suppose to, to continue the meat pie theme, have you ever seen a dog look at an out of reach meat pie? It was like that, it was real longing. Is it like those memes where they

say find someone that looks at you like she looks at the top 25% of that house? Of Bush's house. Well, she's never looked at me like that, but that's because I think one of my great strengths is my attainability. But yeah, it was really something.

We've passed a few things on our walk. We went past checkers the last time we walked. Less exciting, but still exciting. That must have been a lot of security no not really we won't basically walk through the garden wow was it like going through um customs at um belfast when i walked through with my case and i went hey how are you and that was it that was it he literally said hey how are you you just walk through i love it my kind of town um i don't know if you should have made that clear

that that's what it's like. We went past the former MI5 safe house, I remember once. Did you? That was lovely. Yeah. Very nice place. I would feel the way Kath felt re-Bush's 25%,

I would feel the same about Vince Cable's... I mean, I'd need 50% for Cable, but I would feel the same. It's an interesting point. Whose house would have that effect on you? Yeah, Vince Cable. Possibly Alan Bennett, although I've seen his house. My bet is that Al doesn't have anyone who would do that. Am I right? What, someone's house? Someone, if you saw their house, you'd've seen his house. My bet is that Al doesn't have anyone who would do that. Am I right?

What, someone's house? Someone, if you saw their house, you'd have that longing look of laughing. Is it the man who invented the concept? Probably Bruce Lee in it. It's Bruce Lee, or it's the man who invented the concept of bog off. Oh, yeah. That legend. Sorry, I was reading a text about cows,

because you asked 8, 12, 15 pounds. I'd love to know the answer to this. That's what I was reading a text about cows because you asked 8, 12, 15 pounds. I'd love to know the answer to this. That's what I was looking at. The fact is, if I shot one in self-defence, where would I stand legally? Good question. I mean, I think carrying a gun is probably the problem. Oh, dear.

What if I killed one with a house brick? 136, good luck with that, has told us some farm animals are not allowed in fields if they are a particularly aggressive breed. The bull, I'm putting in that category. Farmers can still farm their land and may need to run a bull with the herd. Most problems arise from cows with calves when people don't behave sensibly. Yes, I agree with that.

I'm accusing you, I think. I behave very sensibly if there, I agree with that. Excuseing you, I think. I behave very sensibly if there's cows with calves. Yeah, running around with a kettle and a head of shopping. I was only running. I wasn't intending to run.

I was being chased by a bull, for goodness sake. Anyway. Maybe you just saw the kettle in your hand and fancied a brew. Or running towards a cup of tea.

There was no need for that, though. Can I say, Joe Banks... A charged kettle never boils. I don't think that's true. Joe Banks says, I'm a teacher. Just so you know, we were talking about the dog ate my homework. I'm a teacher, are you chewing?

No, Joe Banks says, I'm a teacher and Joe Banks' Greyhound once had a comfort break on a class set of books. A whole set? Yes. Now, you've turned it upside down there, because that's the teacher now.

Once the homework's in. Yeah. This is like... Beautiful irony. This is like a man bites dog. We've finally put together that scenario. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've finally put together that scenario You were telling your story about being not stampeded

charged by a singular bull 873 has sent in dare I say, an anecdote on a similar line to Frank's story about the bull, about 20 years ago, I arranged a holiday in Tenby, in South Wales, for 10 lads in their late teens, early 20s. Legend! Lads, lads, lads!

Do they have T-shirts saying, if found, please return to pub? Oh, I don't know, I feel a little ill now. Although I can accept it from young people. Take me to my home. Oh, I don't know. I feel a little ill now. Although I can accept it from young people. Take me drunk, I'm home. Oh, no. Whilst on a walk one day

to find a football pitch, lads! Lads. We found a bit of flattish grass without cowpats. We chased a few sheep away for our game.

Then said sheep came back mob-handed with around a hundred of them charged at us. Mob-handed. So we quickly fled. The sheep charged. The sheep charged them in numbers.

I like the idea that the sheep got together. I loved sheep mob-handed. And made a conscious decision to have an organised rumble. Hooligan sheep. I've never heard of aggressive sheep. I reckon one of them was and the rest of them just... Well, that's off in the wild, of course. Off in the wild.

Joined in like sheep, didn't they? What they should have done is just kept walking around and around the pitch until all the lads fell asleep. Lads. But they hadn't planned ahead. I like that. I thought that was the acceptable face of laddishness there. No, it's all right. I like that. I thought that was the acceptable face of laddishness there. No, it's alright that they owned

up. Because a lot of those lad holidays, it would have ended up with a big lamb supper. Well, it would have ended up also with Doritos thrown down the gullet. Yeah. I'm afraid. Yeah. Well, I went on a lad's holiday once and we said, shall we put the tent up now or shall we go straight to the

pub? So after that decision had been made, we got back to the tent at now or should we go straight to the pub? So after that decision had been made, we got back to the tent at one in the morning, very drunk. Where was the tent? Where was the lad's holiday? This was in Burnham-on-Sea, I think. So what we did, we

just lay on the floor and pulled the tent over us like a big doofan. And lie like that. Different times, though. Different times! I'm not saying a big doofan. A lie, lie, lie. Different times, though. Different times. I'm not saying I'd do it now. Not saying I wouldn't. Wow, that's depressing.

Brian Hine has been in touch, Frank. Brian Hine. I wonder if adults can have a warm chocolate. I'm sick of burning my mouth. This is in reference to Al's earlier... Yeah, the infantilising. I mean, granted, it was for a child, but they said... The infantilising of your infant.

Yeah. Giving out warm... I would just say to Brian, grow up, Brian. Just buy a hot chocolate and wait a few minutes extra and you'll have a warm chocolate. But Brian's right, though, is that it is that it can take out two or three hours of pleasure. What a burnt tongue. You can't taste anything.

The heat of the drink. Oh, no, you've got to be careful. Brian's right. Can we just say that? Official absolute policy. Don't drink very hot. We should also say we've had a lot of... Thank you for all your dog-ate homework texts. Yes.

We've had mad bulldogs eating all sorts of homework, all sorts of animals. So it really happens. It happens regularly. And a number of teachers as well having, not just that one, not just the greyhound incident. Thank you for joining in. We're sorry

we can't read them all out. No. But it's a bit like at the end of Vision On. We can't show any of your drawings, but we do give a prize for any that are... No, we don't. Oh, no. We can't return any of your drawings, is what they used to say.

Can't or won't. Anyway, thank you so much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week now get out