The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Diamante Detail

Episode Date: January 21, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel and he's finished his Soho Theatre run where he learned some very useful facts. The team talk President Trump, old clothes and minimalism.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This, however, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I was waiting for applause. You can, I mean, on Steve Wright in the Afternoon, you know, there's only two of them but it sounds like 20 people. There's more applause at the Trump inauguration. Indeed. but it sounds like 20 people. There's more applause at the Trump inauguration.

Indeed. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, all. Morning. Morning, Inspector.

Thought it sounded like, didn't it? Good touch. There's only one thing worse than a bent copper. So... Don't keep us on tenterhooks. What is that? I don't know what it is. I know. I could only see the list from a distance.

Okay. And I could read a bent copper at number two, but the number one was slightly obscured. I hate it when that happens, when you're looking at a league table over someone's shoulder. You ever done that? Yeah, all the time. So, um...

I definitely have, back in my past. So it's a different world, in a way, from where we were last week. But you know what I find? It never really feels very different. No matter... I know what you mean. Whether there's a war on,

what party's in power. Yeah. Just things trundle along. Yeah. Yeah. Just as well. So, um... Good to hear that.

Yeah. Good to hear. I'll tell you a nice little moment I had this week. I was leaving Mass on Sunday morning, talking to the PP. PP? The parish priest. Oh. And he'd...

PP's quite commonly used for something else, don't you? Is he? Yeah parish priest. Oh. You know, PP's quite commonly used for something else, don't you? Is he? Yeah, PP. Oh. Anyway, I was... He'd read in the paper that I was doing a show in town that was five quid a ticket. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. But I don't know if he'd quite got the signal. He said to me, I read about your show you're doing. I thought, I hope there's no quotes from that night. And he said to me... You don't like it when two worlds collide, Frank. No, he said, five pounds a ticket you charge. I said, that's right.

He said, you know what? You're worth it. Oh. No. It's a low price, is the idea. But hey, I took it well. So I did, yeah, I finished the show. You are worth it, Frank.

Thank you, I appreciate it. What about when we went to see Sue Pollard, one of our family friends, dear family friends? And what did she charge? Well, I'll tell you how much she charged, because Barbara Windsor was there, and she said to Sue afterwards, I'll tell you what, good ten quids worth, babe.

Mm. And it was good ten quids worth, babe. That's nice. That's a lovely compliment. Yeah. I learnt a lot, actually, doing the show. The nice thing about doing a show where you don't have any jokes up your sleeve is that you go searching for things.

We should say that's what the deal with it. Yeah, the joke is the show was called Man We Know Show. Frank Has No Show. I Have No Show. that's what the deal with it yeah the joke is the show was called man we know show and it um frank has no show i have no show uh but um i spoke to someone was telling me i love an interesting fact that um donkeys year on year this is the year on year was the important fact in this year on year donkeys kill more people than sharks. Wow. Year on year? Year on year. Why is that important? Well, they emphasise the year on year,

because I suggested there could have been one enormous donkey massacre one year where they killed like 10,000 people in a rampage. Maybe they'd been penned in somewhere, and animosity had built up in the donkey community. I like year on year. It's very Arsenal in the 80s, week in, week out. Yes. When I talked about the possibility of it happening in one, you know, one horrible attack,

a man in the audience suggested that that would be called an assica, which I very much enjoyed. Very impressive. Oh. Yeah. And it was moments like that. There was no need for me. I was little more than an orchestra. That's the joy of

you not bringing a show that they can allow their star to shine. Exactly. There's room. I just think it's so nice that you guys can all find yourselves. You pun people. Yes, exactly. Al likes puns. I love a pun. Yeah. But I was very happy with Asika. And

it's a great fact. It is. Is it a fact or is it a inverted commas fact? Well, I took it out. I never even questioned the fact it might not be a fact. I trust the audience. In what way do they kill people? Do they just go on rampages?

I think kicking is one of their main. Oh, dear. Yeah. Yeah, I know we think... Little doggy, dear. Yeah. Yeah, I know we think little donkey, little donkey. See, I don't think that about any

large-sized creatures. Well, I only think it about donkeys. Don't diss my equines. Well, you can talk. That would make a nice T-shirt. I think that could be

the next big slogan. You know, from the people who bought you Wazzup! Wazzup! And I think that could be the next big slogan. You know, from the people who bought you... Wazzup! Wazzup! And tell Sid.

Remember that one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The gas shares and all that. Yeah. Don't diss my equines. Yeah. It sounds like it's about something else. It sounds like it could be a King Creole and the Coconuts song.

King Creole, sorry. Yeah. Or any of the Creoles. the Coconut song. King Creole, sorry. Yeah. Or any of the Creoles. I mean, they're a big musical family, the Creoles. They like the cause. Except they went their own separate paths instead of hanging around together. Was it King Creole or Kid Creole?

One was an Elvis film, one more a yellow suit. King Creole is the Elvis film. I guess Kid Creole and the Coconut song. King Creole is the Elvis film. Okay, it's Kid Creole on the coconut side. King Creole. Everybody. I wonder if anyone at home went, where's a man in New Orleans?

I wonder if there's anyone. If you actually started to sing King Creole, text us on 8-12-15 and I will salute your achievement. But don't lie. I mean, ever. us on 8 12 15 and i will salute your achievement but don't lie i mean ever earlier you burst into unprompted song well i did the backing vocals which introduce uh king creole which as you rightly say is the the title of a song and a film

by Elvis, Aaron Presley. You suggested... Well, you thought no-one was going to be with you on that one. Well, sometimes you start... I used to play snooker a lot, and I used to do an experiment with the theme tune from Some Mothers Do Have Them. In a quiet

snooze, in a very quiet place in Snooze Hall, I would go and then I'd just leave. Someone would come in. It might be a long gap. Would you respect him under that person? Oh, absolutely. Thank you. Well, you're going to have a lot of respect for some of our listeners because they've all been at it.

Yeah, you've lit up the switchboard. Who would have thought of all the things that we've asked them over the years? Jamie Wood, Al. Turns out, did you sing along to the song I just started is the way to get people to respond. That's great. Jamie Wood, Al. Jamie Wood. Do you know Jamie Wood? No, but thanks for the tip. great. Jamie Wood, Al. Jamie Wood? Do you know Jamie Wood? No, but thanks for the tip.

Jamie Wood. Frank, you had a look on your face that is to say my work here is done. Yes, exactly. My boy, my boy, I was thinking. Never seen anyone so happy in my life. Jamie Wood said, I was there with you on King Creole anymore and I'd have been jumping like a catfish on a pole. Ah, yes.

Okay, Al, any more? We've had a pole. Ah, yes. Okay. Al, any more? We've had a few. Just walked the dog on Cannock Chase. King Creole, ha ha, yes. Started singing. That's 954. That's not the one that I was trying to read,

but it's nice. That's good, I like the idea of someone singing. I did. Cheers, Wiggy. Well, there's a man in New Orleans and he's a rock and roller. He's a guitar man with a great big soul. Is that right? That's Phil Hartley-Kent. and he's a rock and roller. He's a guitar man with a great big soul. Is that right? That's Phil Hartley Kent. So he's not only got a catfish on a pole, he's also

got a great big soul. It's about a fishmonger. Is he called Phil Hartley Kent? Or Phil, comma, Hartley, comma, Kent? I hope he's called... He might be Phil who lives in Hartley in Kent. You know Hartley? It's a lovely little... I don't know that. A lot of hairs. I'm not sure it exists.

I think he's called Phil Hartley and he lives in Kent. OK. Which might suggest that he's a former criminal of some kind and retired there, which so many of the... I've heard he's a rock and roller with a guitar. Well, but he might not be. I'm sure they've got civilians doing work for them who live there. Dave hasn't given us any of the lyrics,

but he says, hi team, I sang the first line, Dave, shifting manure on a very cold frosty garden on the Isle of Wight. I tell you what we have got as a result of the accidental King Creole phone texting is a little picture of lots of people doing different things in different places. I love a snapshot into their lives.

A little snapshot. Well, you say that. It ought to be. In my little snapshot album. You say that, but once, when our producer said, let's do a text in of what are you doing now, you've never let her forget it. It was almost an exiting issue.

It was page one of how to do a radio show. But what I'm saying is we've found it from a more obtuse angle. For sure. And that's what it's all about, ladies and gentlemen. 8.12.15! Yeah. I'm sorry, I was just... Oh, never mind.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. I'll never mind We've had a bit of clarity from remember we had the no I remember that we had the old Phil Hartley Kent which makes him sound like a posh person with a double barrel surname. He said my name it's Phil, Phil Hartley he's texted again

hi Phil here again from C. Phil Hartley. Yeah, he's texted again. Hi, Phil here again from, caps, from Hartley and Kent. Oh, there is a Hartley and Kent. He says, I'm a dodgy character with gold bullion in my swimming pool. I wonder if he did get arrested by the police. That text could be used as evidence. Yes. Well, I'm such a health and safety dad character that as soon as i heard gold bullion in the swimming pool i thought i hope he's put a signage up saying

that in case anyone just dives in yeah what if they crack their head on it anyway what were we talking about well you know i was talking about the donkeys killing more than sharp oh yeah oh yeah this um i i also got into a conversation about um camels okay um you know the one thing leads to another in these yeah it's kind of easy i know camels you're only a hop skip and a hump away from a chat about that's tremendous work congratulations um um and um what happened was there was someone in from Cotswold, the Cotswold Safari Park, and I was talking... Oh, isn't there always, darling?

Yes, and I was just asking generally, and maybe you guys both knew this, but it was a new one on me. I was asking which one is the Bactrian and which one is the Dromedary, you know, the one hump or the two hump. Oh, OK, yeah. Now, do you know this method? Beginner's questions. See, I didn know this method? Beginner's questions. See, I didn't know this.

Beginner's camel questions. Well, anything D, drom, that feels like two. No, that feels like one. Oh, I don't know. No, I don't know. Well, the idea is, do you not know? No. The idea is if you look at them sideways,

the one hump looks like a D, a capital D. Oh, okay. That's the drometry, whereas the two humps look like a B. Oh, OK. For Bactrian. So they actually come with their own initial on their backs. Which got me on, too. It reminded me that I'd heard,

do you know about the African and Indian elephants? Well, it depends what... I'm sensing that you don't. Well, it depends what sort of rumours you've heard about them. Well, that the African elephant's ears... When did you hear this? 3am? The ears of... Yeah, this is great gossip. African elephant gossip from 3am.

Yes. Spotted. Look, don't tell anyone you heard it here, but, and I'm sworn not to tell anyone this, African elephant's ears are shaped a bit like the continent of Africa, whereas Indian elephant's ears are shaped

more like India. Oh, hang on. Excuse me. Our lawyers are watching. I don't want to have to be able to learn geography to have to learn geography. What if I don't know what the shape of Africa looks like? Well then, you won't be interested in their wildlife. Awesome.

It all makes sense. Cotswold Safari Park. What is this? Come and look at our farrow and ball paint colours. I mean, it just seems a strange concept. I love the Cotswolds. I love safari. I wouldn't have put the two together.

I had a lovely day there in which I fed the penguins. I think I talked about it on this show, but it shows how much you guys are listening. Oh, there's a thanks to Alan here. Yes. Morning all. Wanted to say how useful Alan is. It's from his wife.

Wouldn't it be lovely if he just said... For going away to work. If she just said thanks, you know, just thank you. Thanks for the peace and quiet around the house. Just thanks for being you. Well, sometimes we never stop and tell people around us thank you. Well, you need to write your gratitude journal. Oh.

I started doing that. Wow. No, three things you're grateful for every day. We're all very zen. They're all sitting in this room. Nice. Aww. Morning All wanted to say how useful...

Sorry, four of us in this room. I do apologise. Wanted to say... There's four of us in this room I do apologise There's actually five of us That's made it worse Oh gosh I mean two outsiders at least have got each other But now You know what I'll give you an extra special mention Tomorrow guys

Morning all. I'm going to try that. Three things I'm grateful for every day. It can be anything. You journal already, don't you? I already journal, but I don't have a gratitude section. The parking warden who let you off the ticket. If you're going to be less selfish,

it could be someone's friendship. I'm thinking I'll use them up before I get out of bed. That's good. Anyway. Anyway. Yeah, and you have to make sure that the book you keep is a really nice, you choose a nice book that means something to you. Well, you know me, I love a nice notebook.

Morning all. Wanted to say how useful Alan's handy tips are. I had a blocked bath last week and I used his boiling water remedy. Four kettle falls later, problem solved. Respectamondo. Can I interject here? For a start, Respectamundo for using Respectamundo. Secondly, my handy tip was for, like, a sink in the kitchen

because I thought that kitchen sinks blocked up because of people putting grease down, you know, if it's on your pots and pans or whatever, and then it clogs up in the cold. I think that used to happen in the 40s. Yeah. I'm not sure how greasy a person is that has managed to make their bath block up. Charles Bronson!

Look, this person's stanking you. Charles Bronson, after he's gone on a raid. You're condemning their innate greasiness. Perhaps it was famous prisoner Charles Bronson after he'd bottled himself up in an escape attempt. That's a good point. Or it could have been someone, Frank, who just swam the channel. Yeah, goose fat. What I'm worried about is...

How dare you? I'm actually on a diet at the moment. I'm just working through a range of nicknames for my friends at the moment. No, but what worries me about that is the four kettles of boiling water in quick succession. Why? Because I grew up on the FA Cup final, and at half-time they always said the national grid will be under great strain at the moment because of people making tea. And I'm thinking four kettles nowadays, the national grid will be reeling.

But clearly it got through that. This person has something to say about you as well. Okay. Also, don't look so panicky. Okay. Also saw Frank at Soho Theatre last Saturday with my son who mentioned how Frank looked very private detective like in a coat

and tie. Could be a new series. There you go. Yeah., I'm up for that. Bring back sort of... I'd like to bring back Public Eye which was one of my favourite TV shows of all time. Don't know that one. Alfred Burk as Frank Marker. Google it!

Why don't you Google it if you don't know it? Sorry, I'm working on a Punch and Judy show for Absolute Radio. That's not quite... I haven't got it off the ground yet. Frank Skinner on the radio. We should perhaps explain that you've got a mouthful of apple, too. I have not.

Well, I've got a combine harvester. We're all doing all right, aren't we? I'm sorry. Yeah, well, you know we? I'm sorry. Yeah. You know, this is my Britain. I've just had an apple and... Whatever happens to you? We know you've just had an apple.

And I tell you what I did, which is whatever happened to. I don't know if people still do this, but absolutely instinctively I shined it on my shirt oh no i still do that oh i love that but i never do it with a green one is that right i only do it with a red green one i'd like i like there have got a slight matte finish off than the green ones but a red one i want it absolutely i want to be able to see my open mouth approaching you you know what it is? It's very Derek Pringle on the run up. It is, yeah. That was in the days when bowlers used to shine their own,

I'm going to say cricket balls, because we don't want to enter any silly ha-ha. No, come on. And we're better than that. But now they have people in the team. We should do it at the same time. Like Joe Root in the England team, he is the ball shiner,

so they throw it to him and he, as if it's a specialist. I'm uncomfortable with this conversation. Joe Root in the England team, he is the ball shiner, so they throw it to him and he... No. As if it's a specialist. I'm uncomfortable with this conversation. Is that really a thing? There's too many funny words knocking around. It's going to carry on. Yeah, it does feel a bit like...

I used to, when I was younger, though, here we go, I used to find that red on the cricket trousers, something very sexy about that. Oh. No. Yeah, I can't say. No, there was something about it. It was just quite macho and the whole thing. I enjoyed it. I can see that. No. No, there was something about it. It was just quite macho and the whole thing.

I enjoyed it. And the green. I used to get home from the cricket with the green on my knees. Oh, I would have liked that. But that's it for being a Catholic. I like to pray on the hour. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were talking before about how you identify a bactrian from a dromedary by the Humps and also African elephants. Like so many on commercial radio this morning. Yeah. If anyone's got any other interesting ways of identifying animals, say 12.15. Well, we've actually had a poem texted to us on that very topic. Oh, lovely. Pete's 489 has texted, Poem by the late great Ogden Nash.

Ah. The camel has a single hump, the dromedary too, or else the other way around, I'm never sure are you. Yeah, not as helpful. He then adds, I remember the poem, but still never remember which is which. Now, it's not up there with 30 days at September or whatever. That's one of my favourite poems.

Is it really? Oh, I love that. But as someone... That'd be the eulogy at my funeral. Imagine if that happened, you'd think I'd read that out. As someone pointed out to me, 30 days at September, is that it's not that helpful to remember because November,

December, September all rhyme. So you could remember it as 30 Days After December. Also, it then says, all the rest have. Whoa, whoa, whoa, all the rest have. I'm getting confused. You've gone a bit vague. You started off so specific.

Now all the rest. But anything in the modern world that I'm getting confused. You've gone a bit vague. You started off so specific. Now all the rest. But anything in the modern world that includes the word half, I'm really happy with. It's like on Remembrance Sunday, just to hear the word lest again. These words haven't completely gone away, but whenever they emerge, I just love it. Ugh.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner, and I'm on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Still enough now. I think we do have to discuss that there is a new President

of the United States of America. What? Yes. Is there? Oh. He seems nice. Yeah, Trump resigned last night. There was a period about three weeks ago where I thought he already looked a bit fed up of the job before he'd even started.

You know, Frank has said something, which is even though we could be mere moments away from some terrible international crisis, I have never laughed so much in my life at political coverage. No. I mean, it's hilarious. I have to say, I was a bit disappointed by the inauguration speech. Why?

Because it felt like he'd... I like his earlier improvised work. When he used to get up on stage and just say, thanks to Steve, is he here? And I used to find that... I didn't mind a few rough edges. He was a bit more filtered. It was very polished and he'd learnt it. So I don't think he's as good... Well, I think he had the autocue, didn't mind a few rough edges. He was a bit more filtered. It was very polished and he'd learnt it.

So I don't think he's as good... Well, I think he had the autocue, didn't he? He's not as good script. They have the panels. What about the inaugural ball, though? He didn't let us down. He talked about the weather. He hadn't prepared a speech.

He's standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial, clearly hadn't bothered to learn a speech. Love it. And just went, so tomorrow is going to be a great day. A great day. And hope it doesn't rain. I don't think it will rain.

I don't think it's going to rain. But that's where he finds his gold. That's Trump gold. That. He just talks about the weather. I mean, I would have put more effort into a speech for Absolute Radio if someone was leaving.

But I've seen it happen with a lot of stand-ups. They start using writers and then suddenly they're not funny anymore. Just for clarity, with a lot of stand-ups. They start using writers and then suddenly they're not funny anymore. Just for clarity, he's not a stand-up. Just in case anybody's misinformed about the power that he has in that role.

He's not officially a stand-up. Although it is, you know, it's still part of the showbiz. I like the event, the event, the pre, the night before the event, when he had, in front of the Lincoln Memorial, when he said, it's great to have a party. I don't think this has ever been done before.

And Barack Obama had done it, I think, twice. I think with Beyonce and Stevie Wonder and Bruce Springsteen. Yes. And Bill Clinton. But it's not. Yes. And Bill Clinton. But it's not a lie. And George Bush. It's not a lie to say, I don't think this has been done before. Yeah.

I think he's a man after my own heart. If you only Google what you don't know, not what you don't remember. Yeah. So he was prepared to hazard a guess. I'd say it's not a lie, but I suspect it's willful blindness. I don't think he was interested in politics four years ago. Because of his very casual approach to speech making, he just repeats himself.

He has no concerns about that. I think, oh, I've said that word. I better not use that again. He doesn't care. He just says the same thing. He says, I don't, this has not been done. I do not think this has been done before. I don't think it has not been done. I do not think this has been done before. I don't think it's been done before.

I don't think it's been done before. But again, how many comedians, you know, have built a career on one catchphrase, just saying the same thing over and over? We could name them. They probably wouldn't like it. But again, he's, you know, that's beautiful. Yeah.

So I know there's a dark, well, I wouldn't call it an underbelly. There's a dark all over thing about him. But I do, I mean, I watched the inauguration yesterday. I've never made an F. I've never set my alarm for inauguration before. But keep comedy live. That's what I think. What about, I felt myself

waiting for the catchphrase at the end of the speech. But the speech was too, it was a bit like, it was a little bit like a proper politician and that's not what we're after. I don't think it was like a proper politician. Well it was. Not really. It was extraordinary. I've only read it.

It's a bit like T.S. Eliot's Wasteland, Austin, isn't it? Isn't it depressing? Well, they say he's... Apparently, I can't say... I don't know this for sure, to borrow one of his catchphrases, but they're saying there are similarities between his speech and the speech of one of the villains in Batman. Is this correct?

No, Bane, I think. Bane, yes. Yeah, I've seen Bane's speech. I didn't immediately put two and two together. I was too busy watching the former president who he was basically laying into. I mean, that was what was great, is he said, like, previous administrations

have completely ignored you. They've ruined the country. And they were sitting there. And it was like, you know when someone starts really slagging someone off and the person's behind them and you're trying to give them that thing with the eye that they're actually standing behind you. No one told Trump.

And he just carried on. But I feel really bad that I'm so entertained by him. Is it morally corrupt of me? I should say, look, I know he's hilarious, but he's just wrong. Yeah, but he's really funny. What I'm actually saying, I know he's wrong, but he's hilarious.

I've got the wrong way round. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Can I just say, I agree. I think there are things to enjoy about the Trump presidency. Although I've been accused of being a Trump

apologist over the last six months. You have been accused. I have. Trump apologist. Yes. But I think there's a sort of an optimism to it. I think he's a poster boy for cold, sweet revenge. I think that is a poster boy for cold, sweet revenge. I think that is exactly what has driven him to this job.

And he has succeeded. Like, you have to see him on the same stage as Obama, standing there saying, I'm going to demolish what you've done. And you think, have I got any revenge that I'd like to do? Because it seems like we can execute... I'm taking you out of my gratitude journal. I'll tell you something. I have spoken to people in the public eye,

and not, I mean, I don't mean one, I mean probably seven or eight, who said to me that their main motivation was people who picked on them at school, people who'd split up with them. Girls who rejected them. Which I never... What about you?

Was that the case for you? No. I never even... I was trying to get all Kirsty Young and Saul Frank, wasn't I? Was that your main motivation? No, I... Very good. Very good, that, wasn't it?

Thank you. I don't care. It was too long ago. Most of them died in World War II. Trump cares. Can I tell you another great thing that's come out of this? Barron Trump. Oh.

I mean, never has a child lit up the screen for me well he's got the ambassador's child blazer I don't know about you but I love a 10 year old that looks like they work for Goldman Sachs that's everything I want in a child is that how old he is? 11

wow odd they're mini adults aren't they these ones he's a terrible... How? Well, this is... Odd, odd. They're mini-adults, aren't they, these ones? He's got a strange facial expression. He always looks like he's seen someone moving about in a drain. And he's sort of looking down in a puzzled thing. Who's that down there? That's his demeanour.

Even on the balcony, he was looking down at the people. What are they up to? What are they? Who are they? Someone once did say, I think it was on one of the social medias, someone referred to Ivanka as having a facial expression of someone nodding along, having pretended to have seen a film they haven't

actually seen, which I thought was a good observation. To be fair, if my dad had become President of the United States of America when I was 11, I don't know if I'd have handled it that well. It's something. What don't be mean. I'll tell you something, it would have made Donald Trump look quite left-wing.

But he had salt in his pocket. His temper looks measured. I'd have been nervous at the opening speech. At the inauguration, takes three military out. Exactly. Throws salt all over the crowd. And pulls a dog's front legs apart to burst its heart. Anyway, that's my dad.

I don't think it was that different to the speech you would have given, just because there was something quite threatening about the speech, I felt. It was quite a negative speech, wasn't it? Well, if you're American, I suppose it was quite a positive speech. It was sort of, let's just look after ourselves. Yes, we're all out in the cold, that's true. Of the people who... One thing I enjoyed...

Did you read about the Charlotte Church thing, that Charlotte Church was approached to perform at the inauguration? Did not. The voice of an angel. to perform at the inauguration. Did not know that. Voice of an angel. And she said, her reply was,

a simple internet search would show I think you're a tyrant. Which must be one of the great refusals to do a gig. Frank, how many times have people on production staff said that about us? I know, but we don't have the power to get them back like he does. I don't know what's going to happen to us. That is a great put-down. She was one of the few churches not represented at the inaugural meeting.

But you'll get his own back. One of the Trumps passed out. He could bomb Wales. That's not the question. Frank Skinner on the radio. There was a woman, a BBC reporter, who was at the inauguration. Yes.

And she was stopped by police and they confiscated her banana. No. And said that the only bananas allowed on the route of the parade had to be sliced beforehand. Is that right? And I thought, is that because you can throw a banana further if it's unsliced?

Oh. Is it for the peel? Or is it just a sort of... They go so brown. Is it sort of just a peacekeeper serving suggestion? And I thought if she sliced it and then threaded it onto a makeshift bracelet, necklace, and wore it as a banana necklace so you could nibble from it when you needed it, would that be accepted more?

Yeah, I think so. Could that be used as some sort of bolus? I think concerned by the skin, like being thrown on it, being a slipping hazard with all those people. Oh, maybe that bit when he walked, his feet had stood on a banana skin and fell over, that could have been the end of his presidency. And a man of his age as well.

Oh, he would have stalled out. That footage of him dancing with his wife is nice, isn't it? It's nice to see a 70-year-old on telly dancing, not with Anton Dubek. Hey, he'd be a great character. You know they always have the bad one on Strictly. He'd be the ultimate one for that, wouldn't he? You know when their face falls when they get that out?

He'd be the Ann Widdicombe. I don't know if there'd be any sort of bad stuff come out of you, but if he offered to be on Room 101, I'd snatch his hand off. Yeah, I think he would. He's not going to be on Room 101. I suspect he's got big fish to fry. Imagine if he was on

there. He'd put in the ozone layer. Well, it would be easy to get him on there. Well, I like the ozone layer. Well, it would be easy to get him on there because well, I just think you have to be nice about him. He's quite basic, I think. He's quite basic bloke. He's like a three-year-old. It's like if you're nice to him, he likes you. Well, I would

say I've been more positive about his comedy than I have about most comedians. You did. I saw you on the one show with Joan Bakewell this week. You weren't praising him, but you were saying how many laughs he'd given you. Yeah. I think I pointed out that even if he destroyed the planet, there'd be a few laughs on the way.

Which you can't say that about every politician. A lot of them, you know, sort of very humorless path to destruction. Yeah. You've got to enjoy the journey. Did you see the concert? So the concert, I was a bit baffled, though, because I didn't know any of these people. There was someone called Three Doors Down.

I'm told they're quite a big... Three Doors Down. Don't they just live three doors down from him, and he got desperate? Oh, OK. That's what I thought. I'm surprised they need the money if they live three doors down from him.

Yeah, they're doing all right as it is. I think a lot of higher-profile celebs turned it down, didn't they? Yes. What I like to think of as a Gaddafi's money effect. I think, you know, when Gaddafi died and everyone went, oh, so-and-so did a corporate for Gaddafi, and all these celebs had to go. All the corporate gossip.

No, they all had to give their money to charity, saying, you know, I probably shouldn't have taken Gaddafi's money. I think maybe there's a little bit of that just hanging in the air. See, the problem with that... Can I ask you, Al, if you'd been offered... Let's say you'd been offered a million pounds to perform at Trump's party. To be honest, I would have gone for 200 quid plus the hotel,

which you'd expect it to be all right, the hotel. I'm trying to talk you up in case there's any corporate... LAUGHTER No way, you've torn me down again. Well, half a million is my usual rate. You're right, Frank. But when I think of how many gigs I've done in my career and how many people I've played to... Yes.

..there's got to have been, for example, at least one murderer in the audience. Surely, surely I have entertained a murderer. for example at least one murderer in the audience. Surely surely I have entertained a murderer. I've done my best to get some laughs out of someone who has taken a human life. And see you don't know who's out there.

Yeah but you do know who's out there in this instance. No but does that make it any better or worse? I don't know. See sometimes when I accept gigs in that kind of world, I look at how can I spring into jokes that I've already got. So, you know, if you've got some car stuff and you're offered a gig for lorry drivers,

you think, oh, I can get into the car stuff. Yeah. But as we know, you know, Trump owns a lot of different businesses and I've got at least five minutes on things that have happened to me in hotels. Boom, I'm awake. Well, I'd rather not hear about that, thank you.

It would have been a tricky gig. Tricky gig for me. You work clean, I know. I've been a victim of millionaireism. I don't want to encourage it in others. Frank Skinner on the radio. Ian Angel, Angle, has texted,

I'm assuming that this is really the bananas. Yes. Were the police told to keep them peeled? Very good. I nearly trod all over his banana skin joke there. Furious, I'm sure. I think there's probably another one in this, because they were known as peelers, weren't they, police, in the early days?

I know, but I was thinking that's quite an old reference. He's also said banana republicans in another one in this, because they were known as Peelers, weren't they, police, in the early days? I know, but I was learning there's quite an old reference. He's also said Banana Republicans in another one, so there is a Banana Republic. He's gone, yeah, Boomtown Rats. Yeah. Also quite an old reference. But why do we care? I'll tell you what, I had no idea there were so many bands with people with cowboy hats. Oh, God, yes.

My old head, it told me so. That seemed to be the same song playing on repeat. Yeah, there's a lot of that, I think. There was one man, who was the man with the long grey hair and the cowboy hat? You're going to have to narrow it down

further than that. I'll tell you what he reminded me of, Frank's old character he does on the show. Sure was it harder to play for you, Mr Pritchard? Yeah. Thank you, thank you so much. No, no, really, precious man, sir. Yeah.

I'm surprised you didn't get a call-up, Frank, on the strength of that character. What if I'd gone and played as the old-timer? I've done a couple of things. With the ukulele? You ask how much I would have done it for, and now, how much would you have done that for? Nothing.

You would have stormed it. Gratis. I tell you what, there was a lot of choirs. Was there? At the actual, when he was swearing in. Was it the Mormon Tabernacle? There was several of them, and I did think, and this is a terrible thing for a churchgoer to think,

I thought, has anyone ever really enjoyed a choir? I mean, really enjoyed one to the point where, have they ever, when it ends think, okay, well done. I hope your PP's not listening. I know. I thought that choir, I mean, I thought I turned on the telly and it

was Oprah Winfrey, 1997. Some of the hair and the, well they all had the same outfit. They had a cream Aaron jumper and a tartan scarf, didn't they? Yes, they did. That's what I wear normally. I just haven't put it on today. It's in the wash.

Yeah. Well, they are called the Alan Cochran Memorial quite... Oh, that's nice. Memorial. I thought that was slightly chilling, but it's nice. I think that was commemorating the death of his corporate career following his announcement of 200 quid a show earlier. Anyway, it was a splendid event.

Yes. All round. And I tell you one thing I would drop. If I was his, I'm sure he doesn't have any advisors about how he handled, you know. He's got Kellyanne Conway who we referred to as ooh baby when she came up on the stage. He did.

Hey baby. I would drop the thumbs up. Why? I associate that with With those long masculine hands? Are you kidding? I associate it largely with simpletons open brackets and Paul McCartney, close brackets.

I can't think of anyone else who uses it anymore. Oh, I'd be sad. Oh, no, I hope he drops that. You know what? I can forgive him destroying the ozone layer, but not using a thumbs up on a regular basis. Can I take that back? I can't forgive him destroying it. I'd say the one thing I'm most worried about with Trump is the...

That's not me. Come on! That was not me. I'm on an airplane. Now, if Trump was running this show, whoever that was would be out. I'm sorry, but I think it's Sarah. It's not me. Look, maybe we should have this discussion off air.

Stuart's Inquiry. I think so. You think an inquest off air would be better? You know what? It's going to be four people who you... Was it four people who you were grateful for? On my gratitude journal. I think we're about to find out who's not in the journal.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you remember last week we were discussing cutlery? I was talking about the method of turning your fork so it becomes a bridge rather than a scoop and then pushing it around the plate, forcing stuff onto, I think what I pointed out was the sort of Wild West train front of it. And I mooted that I thought I might be exactly one of these characters.

I push with the knife onto the top of the fort. Yeah, I do. And I just felt repelled. Well, guess what? We've had an email saying, Greetings, Frank, the Divine Miss M and Alan. Is it from Captain T. Kerr? No.

Following on from the forking debate of last week, you heard, Who would have thought Alan would be the one who is officially poshest? And then there is a link to, is it Debrets? Debrets, yeah. Oh, Descartes. Is it Debrets? Debrets, yeah. And there is a web page with cutlery advice on Debrets.

When used with a knife or spoon, the fork should be held in the left hand in much the same way as the knife, with the prongs facing downwards. On its own, it is held in the right hand with the prongs facing upwards, resting on the fingers and secured with the thumb and index finger. That's exactly what I do.

Boom. Yeah, but you can prong with it. You don't have to push stuff onto the Wild West train front and then, you know, see, people have, I'll squeeze a bit of carrot on and a bit of meat and a bit of this and then that delicate thing where these food stuffs are hanging on for dear life

as it heads toward their stupid mouse. Well, it's my stupid mouse in that case. Who would have thought Alan was posh? President Copley. Fa-fa-fa-fa. Is that correct?

No, that is... Funnily enough, I... Oh, wow. I suggest old-fashioned correspondence. News readers. News reader moment. I heard from Tiberius, and apparently... How is ancient right?

Caesar has crossed the Rubicon. I mean, I didn't think he'd have the gall. That's our second bit of your 3am gossip this morning. Exactly. And Tiberius has sent me a spork. Oh, yeah. Wow. Which I think is the title of Mary Beard's book

on ancient Rome. A spork? Not quite. Can we see the spork? You can see the spork. It's based on the sonic screwdriver as used by the Doctor. That's marvellous, isn't it?

I think, if I'm not mistaken, that is the 11th Doctor's version of the sonic screwdriver. Which one's that? Matt Smith? Is he 11th Doctor? Matt Smith is. Oh, my God, it's right! A Doctor Who trivia! Well done. Pardon? He sent you a sport that is actually Doctor Who merch. That is lovely of him.

And he says, he says, I am not in the habit of... I'm presuming that Tiberius is a he. He's put two kisses after Tiberius. Doesn't mean much. No, in the modern world, do what you like. He says, I must stress I'm not in the habit of posting sci-fi items of avant-garde cutlery to members of the celebrity community,

particularly when accompanied by apologetic hand-scrawled letters, apologetics. So I love it, Tiberius, and I will use it, and I particularly like the fact that it's Doctor Who themed. And he'll be pleased because of his text that he sent us just now. Yeah. Saying, morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Frank, if you received the spork I sent you this week, could you please let me know in the next half hour?

I need to pop to the shops. Much obliged, Tiberius. Well, thanks, Tiberius. And here is an example of the bubble wrap that was around it. And, Tiberius, congratulations on your use of Much Obliged, which I haven't heard since Derek Okora using it to the spirit world. My dad was a fan of Much Obliged, which I haven't heard since Derek Okora using it to the spirit world. My dad was a fan of Much Obliged. And as I think I've mentioned before,

I've always suspected that Mary J. Blige chose her stage name as a pun on Much Obliged. Can I say I've received some other stuff? I've got my first birthday card. My birthday is actually next Saturday. Oh, giving us a heads up there. I've got one before that. I've talked about the joy of getting a pound out in my birthday card.

Someone has sent me a Manx pound. Oh, nice. Which I don't mean it's from Manchester and it's got like a bloke with a hooded top looking miserable on it. Having a pretty green coat. I mean it's from the Isle of Man and as anybody

here's seen Kelly, Kelly double L. Sorry, it's a song about the Isle of Man. It's from Paul Watterson of the Isle of Man, and he sent me that. Okay. And said, I hope you like your big milestone birthday. Thanks for that.

I think it was... Oh, no, millstone. No, he says milestone. And I tell you what, I got another card from Danny, a male nanny in Los Angeles from Ipswich. Got all that? I thought it was all going to rhyme when it was Danny and Nanny. And the reason he sent this, it's got an elephant on it.

It says, if you don't think I'm thinking of you, and then inside when you open it, it says, you've got another think coming. Oh. That's stolen my message. That's an old debate about whether it's you've got another thing coming or another think coming.

But I think the fact that they've put think in inverted commas suggests that it isn't the norm. No. You know what I'm talking about, Willis? Hmm. Okay, so that was that's correspondence corner. No. You know what I'm talking about, Willis? Mm. OK, so that was... That's Correspondence Corner. I quite enjoyed it. Yeah, I like that.

Did you like it? I did. Well, next week, Frank reads out his gas bill. It seemed a bit more like Frank's Free Gifts Corner than Correspondence Corner, but yeah, let's go with it. It felt like Ask Aspel or something like that. Yeah. Proper letters that I could hold and cards.

Yeah, garden as well. Yeah. Smashing. Okay, I think... Okay. All the stuff. Okay. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. We'd love to hear from you. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. We'd still love to hear from you.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yes? Ditto. I love our readers so much. I might give them a mention in my gratitude journal today. They deserve it. If I wrote one, I would definitely put that reader that sent us novelty pens, because I've been really enjoying my nunchucks. Yes.

You know, my pen, I'm scribbling with them now. Yes. I'm doodling. Yes, we all got a pen. I got a Cyberman. Emily got an Equine. Yeah, don't dis my Equines. And, yes, you got...

My new catchphrase. That's why they're called nunchucks. I'm sure we used to call them numchackers. Did you? Yeah. There's a lot of things you used to call a lot of things that we don't call it. Yeah.

Do you know Theresa May? No, but thanks for the tip. Right. Seamless boys. Seamless. She's been in the news this week for... Really? What?

I know. Come on. I know. Slow news week. She delivered a Brexit message in... She delivered a hard Brexit. I believe she did. In an old suit.

But not that old. It's like 2013 or something. When you say old suit, don't make it sound like she took it to the Sue Ryder shop. I mean, it was Viv Westwood. Was it? Yeah. That's good,, it was Viv Westwood. Was it? Yeah. That's good, is it?

Yeah, oh, yes. Is it? I love a bit of Viv. I don't know much about fashion, as you may guess, from looking at me. You look great. But I went to the Victoria and Albert Museum once for a Vivian Westwood exhibition. And, you know, you do realise when you see fashion in that kind of context it is art it's art man very much so you're getting around it but of course she is the queen of punk so it

suggests to me a sort of punk brexit marisa mayer doesn't seem that punky to me well i'm thinking can you imagine a punk brexit so it's sort of saying as in you know with punk we're turning me back on the sort of prog rock of the eu. Yes. We're going a bit DIY, looking after a bang-bang, you know, make your own way through it. And then we'll, the whole phenomenal burnout in about 18 months. Can I just give you the perspective from Fashion Corner? Yeah. I would say she made a good choice. Look, she's limited.

She has to choose a British designer to a degree for a big announcement like that. Is that what you meant by limited? Well, especially for a hard Brexit, you've got to go British, haven't you, with a designer? Yeah. Sending out all sorts of mixed signals if you get your foregoes here. Yes, I mean, what she should have done is worn Gerry Halliwell's old mini

dress. What if she'd come out in that? Oh, man, that would have been good television. What if she'd come out in that? What would be the effect? She could still continue after as a serious politician. Now, I reckon, I can say this, I can say this, being a lady. Go on. I reckon she's got a cracking pair of pins on her.

I think she knows that. Yeah. Because I know she wears the entourage. I say, looking great. She also likes getting them out. Right. The legs. Yeah. Fair enough. I say, looking great. She also likes getting them out. Right. The legs. Yeah. Fair enough.

Just for clarity, yeah. And she went for brogues, a patent brogue, with a diamante detail on the heel from Russell and Bromley. The diamante detail. I thought she'd gone for the LED light soles. You know those ones? Oh, yeah. I've started seeing quite a lot of those about now.

What if she'd gone for that? Someone's village of three and eight. And every time she said the word Brexit, they lit up. I've started seeing quite a lot of those about now. What if she'd gone for that? And every time she said the word Brexit they lit up. I wish she'd worn wheelies. If she'd wheelied on.

That could have been the big exit. The big Brexit. If they can't trust Trump with a banana skin they can't trust her with wheels on her shoes. I don't think there's too much jeopardy. I liked her look. I think it was, I mean business. I think, I like that she went for a brogue

and not the Tory MP traditional nude court shoe with the American tan tight. I think it was great. It was statesman-like. Can I say, when you wear a sort of a trouser suit like that, with what I would call a loose-fitting leg, you know. I'm going wide leg, yeah. I think with a wide leg, you have to go for a bit of extra length.

This is my view. You have to go a bit Catherine Hepburn bringing up baby. If you go a bit short. That's a palazzo pant, my friend. If you go a bit short, though, with a wide pant my friend If you go a bit short though with a wide leg There's an element of closed umbrella Outside a pub And I thought she had a bit of

That's where I thought she let herself down I wouldn't have minded another inch and a half Of material at the bottom of the trousers Teresa if you're listening I'm not sure she's in the demographic I think she thought I'm not taking any risk on not seeing the Diamante

that's right give me that gaffer tape and I'll do something prompt you but it meant I thought there was an element of swishing when she came on and I don't like a Tresarial swish at a serious announcement.

I feel a bit sorry for Theresa May on this, because the papers, they said something like that she was wheeling out a suit that she's been wearing. It's been doing the rounds. She had the wheelies on. She had the wheelies on. They said that this Vivienne Westwood suit has been doing the rounds since 2013, as if, like, that's ancient.

And I'm pretty sure on this show we covered a royal family member that had been wearing the same jacket for 30 years. I think it was Princess Anne. I think it might have been, yeah. Well, I think we discovered that the designer she bought it from. Didn't he die in 1954 or something? But I recently...

It's a homage. I recently threw out some jogging bottoms. I don't believe that for a second. Oh, well, believe in it, baby. They had a hole in the bottom. Can you not call him baby? It's a bit Donald Trump. I realised that they were 22 years old. I had got them in my drama school era.

I bet they've seen some sights, Frank. Yeah, I was still wearing them. They've seen some bedsits. I mean, they were doing the rounds, weren't they? That's three years old, four years old for a suit. What's the oldest item of clothing you've got? I once sat in the Nashville home of Lamar Fike, who was a very close friend of Elvis Presley.

And he was talking to me about when Elvis met Priscilla. And she was... Is that your tummy? Yeah. Hang on. And she was quite young and he said I had underpants all over there.

Which is a line I think comics still do to young members of the audience. Lamar fight was about 35. I do it to boyfriends sometimes. So he probably had underpants bigger than her. We've had a tweet in, Frank, saying, Truly this is the modern world. Are we talking about the black trouser suit or the bus seat material one? Hashtag green and black. That's from Flower Power Gardening.

Well, I think, Flower Power Gardening, in your own usage, we are talking about the bus seat material one. Yes. Yeah. I like it. It's a smart tartan. If there are any fabric or upholstery fans in, I can't imagine how many rubs it would be.

You know, that's how they measure fabric for upholstery. Is that right? They imagine how many rubs it would be. You know, that's how they measure fabric for upholstery. Is that right? They have like a rubbing machine, so they say things like, oh, that's worth like 20,000 rubs. Do they ever simulated behind that they do? I do. I'm just going to say you do and I do

for three hours. Oh, you do. You know, we were talking about... Do you think that Minaj was at home hearing that and saying, Oh, you do. You know, we were talking about... Do you think that... that Minaj was at home hearing that and saying, yeah, I do. Oops! You know, we were talking about

what advice people have taken from this show. I think the main thing that I have got from working with you for years now is saying you do to people all the time. You are. And I particularly enjoy it when it makes no sense. Yeah. Well, my wife does not, so I have to

make sure that they hit fairly frequently. I think in the age of fake news, we worry too much about things making sense. Yeah. Stop making sense, that's what I say. Was that David Byrne? Anyway. Frank Skinner on the radio. Emily's

got a bit of a point of order I think Well I have Because I like to think we believe in equality on this Show Come on love, get on with it Oh Okay baby

This is from 203 Who says can you stop blathering on About May's clothes May being Teresa, not Brian. Apart from it being ridiculously sexist, I don't give a damn what she wears. Well, OK. And why is it ridiculously sexist, though?

Well, I would like to say at this point that I think we devote more time to being rude about men's clothes on this show than we do to women's clothes. I think I established that Vivienne Westwood is an artist. We were nice about Westwood is an artist. No, but my point is I don't think this is specifically because

she's female. Because we have a roll call of men whose clothes we've laughed at. I remember talking about Dr Jonathan Miller's jeans. Yes. Remember the cosmonauts of Illuminis China? Oh, yes. What about one of my favourite textings ever?

What time in the morning does the edge put on his hat? That's sexist. What about when I laid into Hugo Chavez, the former president of Venezuela's red shirt? Yes, I talked about the shirt collars of Carlos the Jackal. Indeed. And I was a big fan of the epaulets on Fidel Castro's jacket. Yeah.

Why, only this morning I drew attention to Barron Trump's jacket. And on the political front, I think we got 45 minutes out of Farage's shoes. Not so long back. Easily. And then some David Cameron's holiday clothes. It's a list. So we're just saying no one is safe from us. But I mean, fair to...

Is it 203? Is that... Yes. 203, whose gender we do not know. I mean, blathering is something that we do quite a lot of. Yeah, I mean, you asked earlier Frank, just to lighten the mood, let's lighten the mood guys, let's lighten the mood. You asked earlier for

people's ways of identifying animals. There you go. Animals have all the genders. I can identify the genders myself if I have to. I don't want to make things light too much, but we have had some

answers on that. No, I'm fascinated by that. Morning, guys. The way to identify a dog is by calling its name. That isn't true. That's just good advice though. That isn't actually true. And there's a lot of dogs. If you've got a dog called Stephen, for example,

and you go, Stephen, Stephen, I think if you went uh-uh, uh-uh, it would still come. Because it's a tonal command. Do you think it knows the word Stephen? Don't be ridiculous. Let's see if this is a bit more scientific. These are things that lick their own privates. Hi, guys.

It's like, can I just have a minute, Alan? No, let's not have a minute. I think it's better not to have a full minute on that. Well, when I call my equines, I notice they respond in exactly the same way, and I think it's the same principle. So I might go, Huey, Poppy. They've all got two syllables, my equines.

Why don't you just call them all horsey and see if it makes any difference? Why don't you? But you know with the sheepdogs, the older... Yeah, come by. Yeah, I mean any noise will do. What's come by? They always say come by.

Come here, come here. Kevin has texted, Hi guys, I used to struggle to tell the difference between a seal and a sea lion until I discovered a sea lion has got ears. That's a good one. Is that? I'm writing that down.

Oh, well, this is another one that's very useful. I'm sure you'll need to write this down. Alligators are timid creatures that, generally speaking, will not eat you. Crocodiles, on the creatures that, generally speaking, will not eat you. Crocodiles, on the other hand, are aggressive predators that will eat you. Is that right? Useful info from 489. I'm not sure. I wouldn't want to test that theory.

I would confidently stroll up to what I think is an alligator. Given that information, I wouldn't mind an eye dent. So I can tell one from the other. Because the way of telling them is basically you put your leg in the water and see what happens. Is that right? That's not the method I have. You put your left leg in and then... Not necessarily take your left leg out.

If it's a crocodile by the sounds of it. You certainly shake it all about though. Yes, well the crocodile probably shakes it all about. But that's what I mean, yeah. A taxi Joe has been in touch the Pope's designer shoes. Yes, well, the crocodile probably shakes it all. But that's what I mean, yeah. A taxi Joe has been in touch, the Pope's designer shoes. Yes, exactly. Yes, the red Prada slippers of Benedict. I love those.

I don't mean to hark back to jokes that I told, but I seem to remember saying that he'd bought them on eBay because they were PayPal shoes. Yeah. True. There are certain jokes that you do on this show that I leave a pause after not because I don't want

to laugh but because I feel like they should come in a gold frame. And I imagine them in that before I move on. And that was certainly one of them. There's been a couple today. Oh, he's come out with some zingers. The Anton Debeck joke. I'll tell you what, that was first class,

and you know there's no finer praise from me. No, indeed. Yes. Now, what I should have done is hit the button then on that as a nice rhythm, but now I've done that faltering thing at the end that I do. Does it really matter? No.

8, 12, 15. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text. I don't think this is about how do you tell one animal from another, but it's on a similar vibe. Claire from Leeds has texted, you mentioned cosmonauts. What's the difference between a cosmonaut and an astronaut?

Just asking. A cosmonaut is Russian. It is part of the Russian space programme. Astronauts are Americans plus others. No Googling needed. There we go. Someone will now send in and say, well, actually, Helen Sharman is British, and when she went up as part of the Russian,

she was officially classed as a cosmonaut. Is that right? No, I don't know if that was right. Oh, I thought that was some good info. Helen Sharman actually was at the same gig as the cosmonaut in the Voluminous Chinas. Is that right? Space. He loved space.

Especially inside a trouser leg. Oh, that cosmonaut. Yeah. On the subject of recycling your old Vivienne Westwood suit, a story that has popped up this week quite a lot and is increasingly close to my heart is this woman who didn't spend any money for a year. Yes, Michelle.

I mean, I know I've got a stingy reputation. Michelle McGann. Michelle McGah. Yeah. Because she's one consonant away from being a doctor, Frank. Michelle McGann. Michelle McGah. Yeah. Because she's one consonant away from being a doctor, Frank. Michelle McGah. Michelle McGah is even saving on consonants. That's right.

She basically heard about this Buy Nothing Day where people issue retail during Black Friday, like a big retail day. I'd never heard of Buy Nothing Day before. No, it's a thing. Yeah, it's a thing. It is a thing. Yeah, it's a response to the Consumer Day. And I think because she had recently bought a house with her husband,

she was living with just 20% of her possessions and realising that it was fine, and she thought, I could do Buy Nothing Day. In fact, I could probably do Buy Nothing Year, and then she set herself a challenge. I wonder how many unwanted pregnancies have come out of Buy Nothing Day. Yeah, good point. And so she lived... She had her stuff in two drawers, she said.

£30 a week she spent on food and, you know, other sundries, presumably, if she was buying things. Can I say, her stuff in two drawers, she did have a lot of stuff in storage, didn't she? Yes. But what I'm saying is she existed solely on items in two drawers. And I think a lot of that stuff that they stuff in storage, didn't she? Yes. But what I'm saying is she existed solely on items in two drawers.

Yes. And I think a lot of that stuff that they had in storage, they sold for charity or gave away. But it's... What if she had an event? What did she wear? I don't think she had an event. Didn't go or wore her cycling stuff

because she went around by bicycle. And just, like, she had to stop meeting people for coffee because it was, like, a bit weird. Her sat there whilst they were drinking coffee. Because she would just have water. She'd have tap water. Yeah. And then she started to meet people with a flask of tea

and they'd go for a little walk and stuff like that. Her husband cut her hair with clippers. And it looks good. Yeah. I thought it looked better after, actually. I like a prankster. I think he did it with her blessing. Yeah, she was drunk at the time.

I had a walk-in meeting. Somebody said, let's have a meeting. And I said, well, I live near Hampstead Heath. Can you come over? And I met a restaurant there. And they said, well, let's just go for a walk. With a coffee? Frank, you know, I like that.

It's like spies at the Lincoln Memorial. It was a bit like that. Isn't it? Yeah. Did you have your collar turned up? Well, it meant that if you were going to say anything crucial, like something like a fee, you'd wait till someone had walked past before you said it.

You don't want them to walk past and hear it. What if they were wired, though? You don't know. No, you don't know. But I've sat next to couples in restaurants and my partner, Kath, gives me the eye and you realise these couple are just sitting in complete silence listening to everything you say. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. And, I mean, if I'd have spilt the beans about the African elephant ears... Oh, yeah. ..it would have been... You know, it's on Twitter, and next thing you know, you've got paparazzi outside your door. I'm getting gold like that.

She revealed what their diet was for the year. They lived on oats for breakfast, spag bol, as they called it, and then stew for dinner. But vegetarian versions of them. Which I thought was a bit Les Miserables, frankly. Already, when someone uses the phrase spag bol, I've gone off them a bit. I don't like spag bol. I phrase spag bol I've gone off them a bit

I don't like spag bol It's a bit take a few what's your poison it's my shout You've got to look at how much time they've saved by saying spag bol because spaghetti bolognese I mean that takes ages doesn't it Especially as you don't say azy

Especially as you've added a weird e Frank hasn't he It might be bolognese It's spaghetti bolognese. It might be bolognese, but I've never said A-Z. It's your favourite band, Hazy Fantase. Hello, I'll have the spaghetti bolognese. I always, whenever anyone tells me, for example, that they're doing a big healthy,

I'm in a big healthy eating thing at the moment. Or I'm in training for a marathon. I'm going to raise money for charity. Or I've started cycling, so I really want to save the planet. Or I'm doing yoga because I want to see my spiritual side. I always think, you want to lose weight? You want to lose weight? Just say, I want to lose weight.

Don't dress it up. I want to be able to wear those trousers i can't wear anymore i want a flatter stomach just say just say that but this one i'm sure the whole motivation for this was to lose weight i don't doubt that for a second i mean respect i think it was i actually think that the sum of it was meanness. I've got to be honest. Come on, let's be honest. We're doing a social experiment. No, you're not.

You're saving money. And you said, but actually what you don't want to do is say to your friends, I don't want to buy you any drinks. I don't want to pick up the tab for dinner. I don't want to spend money on anything. So if you say you're doing some amazing experiment, Guardian-type experiment, everyone will think that's fantastic. Well, indeed. If you say you're doing some amazing experiment, Guardian-type experiment, everyone will think that's fantastic. Well, indeed.

If you say you want to save some cash... Well, she paid, they paid 23 grand off on their mortgage as a result of what they saved that year. Not bad. Which is good. Well done. Yeah. But when she said some of the bakeries put bread outside at night and we went and took those, I thought maybe that's for the homeless, not people trying to pay off their mortgage or doing a social experiment. I think when you're rifling through the bins at night, you've got to look within yourself.

If you're living in accommodation with a roof over your head and paying a mortgage, I think there's something... It's not for you, that. That's what I mean. I'm not sure about that. Since reading this, my kids have been living off bread that I've been stealing off pigeons in the streets. There are people whose need is greater than yours.

You know those people who put out bird feed in this weather for the wild birds? And they were probably going round scooping that up. I mean, what we're talking about here is, you know, scavengers who have actually got a few bob in their pocket. France Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, we've had a text from a naysayer about the minimalism challenge. Oh, yeah. 523 has said, we worked out that the lady who saved £22,000 by not spending any disposable income for a year must have a salary of at least £70,000. We could all save that much if we were on £70,000 a year.

Mathematics? Yeah, a bit of maths. The thing I found out, the only clothing I had to buy was I had to get some jeans because they got holes in them. I thought, hello? Have you had a walk around the streets just for one thing you want? It's impossible to buy jeans without holes these days.

The jeans became on trend during your minimalism year. The one thing I would say is that I'm reluctant to go too far down that weirdos route. Oh, me too. Because I think that's what the Daily Mail people would call her, I'm honest. No, I think what she wanted to do, she wanted to write a book and lose weight. Yes, I think that's...

I think just call it what it is, love. And I like the fact that she's bringing to mainstream attention the idea that sometimes, rather than you owning your possessions, your possessions can start to own you. I believe that. Sometimes you can just... Like, I've got a car, I'm not bragging, it's just a fact, but sometimes. It would be a bit tragic if you weren't in

this day and age. I mean a lot of people have a car. Believe me, there'll be people at home going, whew! You know like when it needs insured or taxed or a new tyre or something, you start thinking, oh god, I hate having a car. I do, Al. It's just really annoying, isn't it? What about when someone in Frank's family... I think it was Frank's sister was dating a man with a car and everyone came out to have a look at it. We all went out the house to look at it.

It was a second-hand Mini looking back, but we really thought it was amazing. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Anyway, I am going to get Michelle's book from the library. Right.

We know what it's called. And then I'm going to pass it on to all the people who want to read it. And she'll see what happens to the suppliers of things, like in restaurants and pubs and flower shops, if we all stop buying stuff. I do agree with her, because I am doing this hiding, decluttering thing at the moment. And I noticed, I saw on one of your little shows, Frank, last night from 101,

one of your guests was Anita Rani. She's doing that as well. Is she? Yes. Life-changing magic of hiding. She is anti-clutter. And it is life-changing. I had a terrible go at a minimalism challenge last year

where you get rid of one thing on one day. I miss that reality show. Two things on the second day and you work through and on the last day you're getting rid of 30 things. So it's a 30-day challenge. Wow. I reckon I got rid of about 80 or 100 things and then just stopped halfway through the month.

I'd just buy a box of matches at the beginning of the week. Well, I'll tell you what, I think if anybody is thinking of doing that 30-day challenge, you want one of those massive whiskey bottles full of coppers at the start. Oh, I thought tell you what, I think if anybody is thinking of doing that 30-day challenge, you want one of those massive whiskey bottles full of coppers at the start. Oh, I thought you meant you needed a drink to get through it. No, you're like in the 70s in a living room. We probably are too materialistic, but this is...

Probably. Because I had a long period of having no money at all, that's when I did all my minimalist stuff. Now I've got a few of Bob in my pocket. I'm going to live it up up because it's, you know... Oh, spend, spend, spend. I'm going to live it up. Thanks, Skinner. But it's not a fancy dress party,

being poor. You don't think, oh, I wouldn't mind doing that for a year. Come on. Come on, love. Come on, love. Cheer up. Have a cup of tea. Sorry, I... Sorry, I became myself in 1978. Yeah.

So, look, I'll bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.