The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Dining Out

Episode Date: September 19, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank asks if anyone has ever actually 'Dined out' on an anecdote... Also this week Frank has been using a different name, the team start Corbyn-Watch, discuss De Niro Danan and Emily is set a challenge... Trails to follow. Thanks

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on this occasion. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

On this occasion? Does that sound to you like I've been given my marching orders? Why do you make yourself feel good? Have you been given your marching powder? No, I just, who knows? It's just like saying if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. Have you sorted everything out with the producer?

Yes, we're getting on fine now. Okay. You're a bit short with her. Well, I'm a bit of a git. Did you forget? Yeah. You can also always acknowledge your mistakes, and that's why we love you. That was my mistake! Everyone's telling each other they love each other

on today's show. It's fine. I love you, Frank. I love you, too. I love you more you that one i didn't enjoy someone i'm sure it's great radio but hey let's crack on oh i don't know i think people like it well you're only here on this occasion so we'll be the judge of that i had some radio too this morning i haven't had radio too for years oh who's on that then these days oh i didn't know it was but it's like it's like sort of magic. You know Magic FM? It was like that for, like, people who tried at school.

And, you know, they have a phone-in. They have a phone-in, and the phone-in was a weevil eats its way through the incite low Britannica until it gets to its own entry at W. And then it says there's so many volumes and this is the thickness of the paper and it eats at this rate. How long will it take? I thought this is like it's an O-level maths

question. He's just phoning. QI. Ours was what's the best thing you've ever seen on a luggage carousel last week. Ours was proper mental arithmetic. You know what I just said, keep it light, loves.

Yeah. Come on. But I bet they love the old twoies. The twoies? Yeah. Who'd have thought that, though? And I'll tell you what

the driver said to me this morning. I was driven in by, I don't know exactly where he's from, but Eastern Europe. And he said to me, Oh, it's okay to do the accent then? I'm not going to do the accent.

Okay. He said, I'll do it if you like. Will, what I was listening to. He said, what I like is I listen through the night and the trouble is with magic is you get the same songs over and over. And I thought, I've been absolute for six years and I've always thought that the whole no repeat guarantee was a lot of baloney that no one cared about. I've actually found a bloke who actually doesn't want to hear the same song twice during the night.

Although I'm not sure it covers the night time, the no repeat guarantee. Does it cover the night time? I don't think so. Oh, doesn't it? Oh, no. It's all right, you're not even working it. I was just giving a big hop, a big shout out. So the no repeat guarantee.

I didn't mean to trample on it. By the way, we're now available on FM in the West Midlands. Did you know that? I know. That was from last week. I was very excited. Yeah, you don't have to get your laptop. There's only four in the West Midlands.

So that's good. And they've got the internet cafes. If there's anyone listening from the West Midlands, yeah, you're all good, you're all right, are you? And I will say to you, how been you? Next day. How been you? You.

Excellent work. Oh, man, I had the strangest thing happen to me this week. I was checking into a hotel with a... Not remotely sleazy. I was checking into a hotel with a... Oh, not remotely sleazy. I was checking into a hotel with a make-up artist, in fact. Oh, Frank. That's a bit rude, isn't it? Going back there with Mrs Smith.

It's a professional engagement. Yeah. And so I went up to the counter and he said, Name, please. And I said, it's Frank. And she said, can I have a word with you? And I said, yes. Yeah. I said, it's Frank. And she said, can I have a word with you? And I said, yes. I said, just a minute.

She said, you checked in under another name. I said, am I? She said, yeah, because they were worried that people might see you at the hotel and phone your room and stuff. I said, oh, OK. They're nice to meet someone who thinks I'm still that famous i thought and i said so what's my name she said frank liberty so he said to him yes name please and i said um frank liberty and he said, um, Frank Liberty. And he said, okay.

I said, whoa, I can't believe I'm saying this. And, yeah, you know, he must have seen my statue. So he come and he filled all the thing and I had to sign Frank Liberty, which I'd never signed. I couldn't write Liberty, I'm just not used to it. And then when I left, worst of all because I started to get the giggles which was terrible, and he said to me anyway

he said, thank you Mr Liberty it sounded like a superhero thank you Mr Liberty, thank you citizen, and if ever evildoers trouble you again remember to call for Mr... And I had to go through the whole thing.

Breakfast, I was called Mr... Oh, Mr Liberty, how are you this... I mean, do no fault of my own. Oh, my God. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. The Frank Liberty show on Absolute Radio. Frank Liberty. Diabolical Liberty, that would be one of the reviews. Headline of a very bad review. Diabolical liberty, that would be one of the reviews. Headline of a very bad review. Maybe one of your children, diabolical liberty. Oh.

And then I was out in North London. He gets about, doesn't he? You know when you're about and you get bants? Oh, yeah. You get some mega bants. I love some bants. You're one of the banter kings as well, aren't you? I'm the master banterer.

Yeah, yeah. I know I said master banterer. Yeah, I know you do. And this guy said to me, he was like with his whole family, like he looked like with three generations of his family. And somebody went, frag Skinner, like that. So I look round, and... As you do.

And he said, we didn't recognise you because you're a lot greyer than we thought you were. And I thought, well, there's no need for that, is there? So he said, did you forget the Grecian 2000 today? And I could see what had happened then. He'd slightly separated himself from the family so that he was now, he was the man.

He was building, to be fair to him, he was building an anecdote. I could see that happening. And I thought, fair enough, you know what I mean? It's a Saturday afternoon, I got up early. Slightly old school reference, though. I think they took that off the market about 30 years ago. Does it not exist? I suppose they took it off the market about 15 years ago. Would make sense. So 2000 has long gone. Let's face it, the Grecians are. Yeah. They're on the edge. So anyway, I thought you've got to give a return bounce.

Yeah. You know, to complete the story. Oh, God. So no, I don't've got to give a return bounce, you know, to complete the story. Oh, God. So, no, I don't feel any need to bowl the winning ball. You know what I mean? Really? Sorry, have you ever said anything so inaccurate about yourself? No, in that context, I don't. You know when at Wimbledon, when they have that knockabout,

when they're just tapping the ball over the net to get used to it? That's the kind of bants I'm working out at that level. I've still got my tracksuit top on, is what I'm saying. So he said, oh, you forgot the guy. And I said, well, you'd know by the looks of it, because he looked like a guy who'd got darker hair than for his age. And suddenly his face changed. Oh, no.

He said, no, I don't know. And I thought, oh, no, he does use, oh, no, he does use it. And I've said that. And I hadn't, I'd accidentally hit a searing ace into the corner of my head. Well, he shouldn't have got involved in the Bantz thing. He shouldn't have brought up Gretchen 2000. Yeah. But then I thought, oh, no, I've smiled. I didn't, you know what I mean? I didn't want to be, he wasn't like a heckle put down. How did it end, the Bantz?

Well, I think he was, I think he would have still gone away. I think he's... Well, no, he's not going to tell that anecdote now, is he? Well, I don't know, you see. He might leave that bit out. I think his long-term aim was catering-based. I think his long-term aim was catering-based. I think his plan was that he was going to dine out on that anecdote.

When people say that. It's one of my favourite things. Of all my marvellous anecdotes, I've never actually got a meal out of one in my life. I might try it in a restaurant, though. Do you take anecdote? Can you have that? Yeah. Instead of, you know, when they do that sign calling for the machine

to put the pin and chip and pin. Frank, if they did that, you'd never be hungry again. No, I'd call for a microphone. I'm planning to pay. Can I have a look at the anecdote menu? Oh, you said two courses for an anecdote, or three courses for an anecdote, including a celebrity.

But what does anyone... If anyone listening has ever dined out on an anecdote, please... This is a good question. Please text... Extraordinary texting. Text us. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

What was the texting that you set up just before, um, just before? That was ages ago. Oh, we can't remember. Oh, okay. Well, to open the gates, I've found an email. Have you ever literally dined out on an anecdote? That's what it was, yeah. It's a good question.

It's a really good question. In the meantime, we've been sent a question for you, Frank Skinner, slash Liberty. Dear Alan, interesting, begins Dear Alan, Dino and Frank. It's often established on the show that Frank has... Don't like the billing much. No, I didn't think it was. I'm all right with it. It's often established on the show that Frank has... Don't like the billing much. No, I didn't think it would. I'm all right with it. It's often established on the show that Frank has worked with them all.

However, I was wondering what happens when two celebs chance upon one another when they haven't met before, e.g. in an airport lounge, I enjoy e.g., or on a tour of a castle ruin. I would assume that being... Good insight into Frank's social life. I'm not so sure that there's many other celebs on the castle ruin tour. Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to think if I've met anyone at a castle.

Yeah, you and Mary Beard. Yeah. I would assume that being of the same lofty social standing, there would be an implied kinship and pleasantries would be exchanged as if between old friends. Or does the interaction depend on the level of fame? For example, would Frank be more likely to approach Ed Sheeran and give him a hearty slap on the back,

but only give Bob Dylan a knowing nod from a respectful distance? Praise redacted, he adds. That's Chris in Glasgow. Well, the thing with that is that, I mean, as much as I would love to nod to Bob Dylan, of course, he wouldn't know who I was. So that is... Ed Sheeran, I don't know who I was. So, um... So that is... Ed Sheeran, I don't know.

I love all gingers. Yes. These are meant to be ever so nice. I do remember... There is a thing, which is the sort of celebrity passport, whereas if you see another celebrity, it's alright to go over.

Yes. I remember, i was walking uh and and helena bonham carter was coming the other way pushing a pram and she said to me um we should speak should we and i said yeah how you doing so really that's funny yeah and we and we chatted and i I said, I really like your hat. And she said, that's all I remember about it. But, so there is a bit of that. The one that really sticks in my heart, I was in a pub in Birmingham. Oh, what a night. This is a while ago, and Paul Henry was in there.

Now, Paul Henry plays... Oh, was he Crossroads? He played Benny from Crossroads. If I wanted China, I do have a China. I believe his catchphrase was Miss Diane as well. That's right, that's right. There'll be some interesting Googling for our international listeners. Benny from Crossroads.

Anyway, so Benny hadn't been in Crossroads for quite a while, but he owned a pub, or maybe he worked in it. But let's say he owned it. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Benefit of the doubt. Yeah. But there was no doubt of the benefit. Anyway, so...

You're both on fire. Yes. So I walked in and I recognised him, and I walked over and we shook hands and I looked round and the whole pub had stopped and look what me and Benny from Crossroads shake hands. It reminds me, there's an arthouse movie, I think, called Mephistopheles,

where this bloke plays the devil in a play and during the interval, he goes up into the Royal Box where several uniformed Nazis are sitting and the senior officer of the Nazis he goes up into the royal box where several uniformed Nazis are sitting, and the senior officer of the Nazis stands up to greet him. And so you've got an image of a bloke who's still made up as the devil, shaking hands with the senior Nazi, and the whole audience are looking up in horror at this tableau.

And that's what happened when I shook hands with Benny from Crossroads. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got another email from my Friday night troll here. You love a Friday night. He really does. I like to look through in case stuff's been sent in. They're a bit more loose, the Friday nighters. I think so, yeah. I used to love a Friday night troll.

This email is entitled, what are you doing? Bonjour, my favourite radio team. It's 10pm Friday night French time and I'm happily watching England. Well then, surely that should be bonsoir. Good point. Good point, Frank. That's how to make friends. He wants it, he wants me. That's how to make friends with him, is to correct his... It's 10pm Friday night French time, and I'm happily watching England versus Fiji in the World Cup. I'm not too sure of Emily and Alan's feelings about the sport, but considering Frank's opinion, I hate rugby.

I'm interested to know what you're all doing this evening. That is all expatprisoner215. Are you asking us out? I think he's interested in what we do on a Friday evening. Oh, I see. I did watch some of the rugby and I quite enjoyed it. So what was I doing at ten o'clock French time? So that's nine o'clock here, is it? Yeah.

What were you up to? I was watching on Sky Plus with my partner and her mother a thing called synth britannia right which is about all the famous women called cynthia that um had an effect on british history, it was about the synthesizer. And the whole... Sounds like Cynthia Payne. The whole, yeah. An ending with Cynthia Payne. So it was all about, like, 80s music.

It was actually really, really... It made me feel like going out and buying a Korg. Or a Moog. Or a Moog. Yeah, why not? I was waiting for Curry to arrive and watching the rugby with- Tim Curry?

No. No, Mark Curry. Lamb Curry, actually. You did ask. You did ask. With my friends Nick and Claire that I stayed with last night. Nice. And we had the rugby on.

Had the rugby on. I don't mind the rugby since you asked. I like it. I don't hate on. I don't mind the rugby since you asked. How do I like it? I don't hate it. I don't love it. I don't know that I... It's not that bad. What's interesting for me is this is what non-football fans are like doing. Yes.

You know, what I would call the proper World Cup. It's going on, but it's just going on. You hear about it. I just have, you know, I have tried. The fans tend to be better dressed, if I'm going to be honest. The rugby? Well, yeah, you don't get the England supporter.

You must be kidding. That upturned rugby shirt and barber jacket look. Oh, I'm sorry, that's a bad thing, is it? Yeah, it's disgusting. I'll start. OK. I don't know what they wear. Yeah, but come on.

Well, at least they don't wear the three-quarter length cut-off trousers, Frank. And what are the shoes? My only really lasting memory is a woman called Erica Rowe who did a sort of half streak at Twickenham. She didn't wear... She wore jeans. Full stop! But I don't have anything... You know, people like what they like. Yeah.

They do. You've changed. Simply Red, for example. Fine. Who likes that? Yes, people do. He's got a voice, though, hasn't he? No, people do.

And that's fine. It's good, isn't it, that we like different stuff? Yeah. Isn't it? I think so, yeah. Good. Back me up, then. Oh, yeah.

Okay. I didn't feel that was said with a good spirit Skinner, Dean and Cochran Together, The Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio So listen, I told you I'd been fly-tipped. Did I tell you that? Did you? Someone had left... Oh, yeah, yeah.

Another showbiz anecdote. Someone had left some stuff by my bin that wasn't mine, which I wasn't happy about. It's a vacuum cleaner, if you remember. Oh, right. We do remember. As we call it in our house, a noo-noo. Do you?

Yeah. Sure off. That's something else in our house. Yeah. Just shut up about it. So, um... So... One of your neighbours had fly-tipped you. Yeah, so they'd put

a bag of stuff and also a noo-noo. Someone who didn't want to pay for its removal. I wonder if that would have been David Baddiel. I don't know what it's about. No, he'd never throw away a vacuum cleaner. He'd use it as a brush. Nice.

So, um, there was an old garden chair suddenly appeared next to my bin. I mean, one that looks like it's been out in the weather for many years. A wooden fold-up garden chair. Oh, like a deck chair? Well, it was all wood. You you know like slats for a seat sort of thing you'd find in a sort of

pub one of those trendy ones yeah okay but it was it was all so that was there and it wasn't it wasn't too bashed up i mean it was old and they've been weathered but i i it was like it was almost like they thought i could afford to refurbish it maybe like you might leave a foundling child on the on the step of a richer person to give it a better life i don't know if they thought i was going to do that i was going to home to waif furniture um and i was furious because because I'd said to you before that I'm very angry about the fly tipping, and I was thinking of an all-night vigil. When I hide behind the wheelie bin.

Yes. I mean, ideally, but probably not realistically, with a harpoon gun. No. Yes, and I think we established, I don't think your neighbours would be alarmed at all. I think you should go pea-shooter and gravel, because at that range, harpoons... Pea shooter and gravel.

What a double act they were. They were a good one. Hello, I'm pea shooter and I'm gravel. Can I do this song? You can do it after. So, um... They were good. That's not their best stuff.

So it's almost like they've left me the chair for my vigil. Oh, yes, that's what it is, Frank. Heard it on the radio. Maybe a rug. Someone will drop off a nice tartan travel rug the next time. So I just, I left it there. Kath was absolutely, Kath was, I mean, mad about it. She really doesn't want terrible things to happen to me.

So a couple of days later, somebody had, they'd tied a sort of ribbon on the chair. Oh, as a sort of gift? Well, I think somebody must have found a ribbon that had perhaps fallen from a child's hair. You know when people put stuff on walls, if it's been found? So they'd put it, and it looked like it had decorated... It looked like the chair was taunting the people who'd left it.

You know that thing in the paper of Ashley Cole? It says something like, what's she called, Ashley Cole's ex-wife? Cheryl. Yeah, Cheryl shows Ashley what he's missing. It's like the chair with a bit of ribbon on. The people who tipped it thought, oh, actually, looks quite good with a bit of ribbon on it. Look what you could have won.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, maybe we'll take it back. And I think maybe that's what I'm going to do in future Because if they leave stuff I'm going to do it up a bit And leave it out That's a good idea Frank I've got a few bits that could do with sprucing up And then I'll come back and have them back I'm going to spend thousands getting it refurbed

That's a brilliant idea You know Kate and William they had the split and they got back together And why couldn't that happen with the garden chair? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So Frank, we've had a text in which weaves in, rather ingeniously, the two

themes of dining out on an anecdote and Erica Rowe, who seems to be another theme this morning. Oh yes, Erica Rowe, the rugby streaker. Yes. Frank et al. Bad start? Question mark?

No, I quite like it. It's not true for a start-off. No. I didn't. Read dining out on an anecdote. The recently mentioned Erica Rowe recently, too recently, that's OK. That's OK.

Came to have her hair done by my girlfriend. Oh. I like the way you say, oh, like it's the beginning of a Confessions of a Hairdresser film. No, but that's... Who was so impressed with Miss Rowe's stories, she decided to give her hairdo free. So she didn't dine out, but she was coiffured out. You say she didn't dine out. She's something else out.

Oh. As her appointment included a biscuit and a cake, does that constitute dining out? That's Bernard from Reddit. I think that probably does. I do. I do. Excellent work, Erica Rowe.

Well done. What if she'd dyed her hair? She'd have been dyed out. Dyed out. Dyed out. What happened She'd have been dyed out. Died out. Died out. What happened to her? Died out. She was good. You don't want to die out on an anecdote. Died out. Died out. Died out. Yeah. Is she still working? Died out? No. There's not much call for that anymore. I met her. She was very, very lovely. I met Erica Rowe. I interviewed Erica Rowe. The interviewed Erica Rowe.

You worked with them all. You worked with them all. The great thing about Erica Rowe was when she did that streak, she had, like, jeans and, like, suede boots on. And she was a, she was a, um, boxer woman. Oh, she was.

But I tell you what, and she had, like, a little, um, silk scarf around her neck. The white people used to wear them then. But she had a single... No, with no top. And then the silk scarf, like a little silk scarf around her neck. The white people used to wear them then. But she had a cigarette. No, with no top. And then the silk scarf, like a chipping knife. Like a little tied one, like David Essex.

Oh, yeah. Trying to look a bit romantic. And she had a cigarette. Do you remember when people used to play stage drunkards? They'd have a cigarette that was broken in the middle and hanging down. She had one of those that had genuinely got broken. Oh, fabulous. She's my idol now.

Yes, I think we, that's it. She's a new friend of the show, has been born. Erica Rowe, the rugby. Surely she's called out during the World Cup to do stuff. I don't know. What stuff? What stuff? Now we're going to go over to Erica.

Who's going to have her on the programme? I don't know. Also, I don't know if she... She's an older woman now. She's not going to recreate the act unless she's got pallbearers. Oh, I wish I hadn't said that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There you have it. My two worlds are colliding today because it's London Fashion Week and it's taking place outside this very studio. Yes. And Daisy, the producer, just said there's two girls dressed in black smoking.

That'll be my girls. That'll be models, won't it? Yeah. They look like two tall, tall, slim women. All the ladies are going to be here soon. What are they going to do? Are they going to parade? No.

Okay. I'll just talk about people and smoke. What are they going to do? Lollop? What kind of... Might eat a smint. Do they lollop? I don't think they do.

They glide, don't they? They glide. They might lick a sweet and then put it in the bin. Okay, well, I'm having that sweet. Oh, well, it's very exciting. I've never felt so much at the centre of the fashion world as I do this morning. There's going to be a lot of shopping, won't there? You wouldn't think if you saw my outfit.

I know. I'm glad you've dressed for the occasion. Yes, but, you know, you can't compete with these people. Oh, thanks. I'm not going to... What's that shop called? Jago of the What's that shop you see around London? Jago of the something with big, like, hats in them Oh It's called something like Jago of the Yard

I can't get that far down the fashion food chain I think Jago of the Yard is an obscure novel, isn't it? Is it? Someone, someone, if someone can tell me It's like, it's got the kind of clothes that you think, that's beautifully made, boo.

Remember my, um, Is Jago of the Yard not like Stick of the Dump? It might not, it's Jago something. Um, and it,

do you remember my dream about Gok Wan? Not my dream, my lie about Gok Wan when I told my girlfriend I was doing a show with him in which I walked around northern towns

in avant-garde clothes. Called, Would You Wear That? No, Why Are You Wearing That? Why Are You Wearing That? Well, that's that... It's not like you're having a go at me for the show that doesn't exist. No, it's called Why Are You Wearing That? Well, Jay Goh of the Foggy Quadrangle, or whatever it's called,

has got those kind of clothes in. Clothes that you would only normally see on someone who knew Boy George really well. Are you thinking of All Saints? He is. No! I'm not thinking of All Saints. What sort of clothes? Is it sort of apocalypse chic?

You know those hats like Boy George used to wear? Those big... The ones that Pharrell wears? Who? Yes, the one... Will Pharrell. Colin Pharrell? Oh, my God. Yes, the one, Will Ferrell. Colin Ferrell. Oh, my God.

Anyway, let's not get into Ferrell. This is like an episode of Derek. I don't know if you can say that. Sure you can't say that. Oh, look, let's talk about something else. My stomach's tight and not... No, because it's in an old folks' home. Oh, it's like an old folks' home.

Not before... Oh, okay. Okay. What do you want to talk about? Oh, I know what I want to talk about. Jezza Corbin. Yes. JC. There can be only one JC.

Yeah, move over Clarkson. There's a new Jeremy in town. A new Jeremy C. Let's talk about the nice one. Well, we don't know yet, do we? Well, we don't know that's true. Which nice one? Early days.

But he... Well, I think the signs are good. And I'll tell you why. They've criticised his clothes. Yeah. I like his clothes. They say the clothes are a bit scruffy. I think it's intellectual chic.

It's like liberal chic. Yes, yeah. It's definitely that. I would say. I mean, i think nowadays times have changed the most high status person in the room is the scruffiest frank skinner look at you today well it's um it's the steven spielberg thing check into a hotel wearing a baseball cap jeans and stuff and people think who's that and of course he's the richest man in the hotel

i don't know i'm not saying that j Jeremy Corbyn is the richest man in Parliament. If that comes out, he's ruined. Yeah, yeah, I think that's... He's been criticised for having a pen in his pocket. Has he? Yeah. Yeah, well, see, people don't write any more. What if he'd had the Peerless 125?

That would have been the end of him, wouldn't it? You might get away with a crystal. Yeah? Yeah. A big crystal. Not a cigar, though. I generally have a pen. Somebody sent me, actually.

I should do an official thank you. Someone sent me... You know those propelling pencils? Oh, yeah. You know, because one thing that I do get sent on this show... Why are you delving into a bag like Quack-A-Jack? One thing I get sent on this show is writing implements. You do like stationery, don't you?

Frank, can I tell you what else he likes, I've noticed? You're fond of a free fabric bag, aren't you? I like these. What do they call these bags? Free. Now, this one... Free. This one was designed by my son.

You see, he's coloured it in and written his name on it. I didn't know he could write his name. It was real. It was a bit of a midwitch cuckoo moment. He signed it to Liberty Skinner. So anyway, Nicholas Hemingway wrote to me and sent me a stainless steel mechanical pencil, handmade. No. Yeah. And I must say, it's a beauty.

You get everything, don't you? He did say he would send you two one on request. Right. But I think you have to write an official. Oh, Ambassador, you're spoiling us. Exactly. I'm not going to beg for it, Nicholas. Oh, God, he took it harsh. I haven't.

Well, anyway. We don't beg. Got my own pens. So I've taken to carrying that in the jacket pocket. Oh, yeah. Stainless steel as well. Sounds like... Yes, if it rains, it's fine.

Because I know, but this new stainless steel stuff, it doesn't rust. That's good. New stainless steel stuff. I was like, the new soda streams that are out. Everyone's talking about it. Stainless steel, there is this called stainless, you see, it's because you don't get

the staining that rust brings. Is that right? Yeah. If anyone else has encountered stainless steel, text us in. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got a couple of texts about your comments,

not on Jeremy Corbyn, because we never really did them, but hi Frank, the shop you were asking about is called Child of the Jago in the Spitalfields Market. There's one on Charing Cross Road as well. Is there? I know, it's a kind of gothic font. I know what that is. There's one on Charing Cross Road as well. Is there? I know.

It's a kind of gothic font. I know the one you mean now. Yeah, but the stuff... You know those clothes that look like works of art? Yes. You're right about the Vivienne Westwood reference. Yeah, there's only a certain person who could wear them. Right.

And I'm not that person. But I could admire their beauty, certainly. I'm going to call it Dandy After the Apocalypse. Yes, very, very good. That's what it would be. It would be people really trying to make an effort to brighten things up after the world had been wiped out by nuclear warfare. Excellent.

We've also had a text from 381 who's texted you. I think it's you, you specifically. We've all heard of stainless steel. Signed everyone in Sheffield. Oh. Which is fast work, because you only talked about it about four minutes ago. Yeah. And it's really been around, maybe they've got a group email set up.

Or maybe they're, it's one of the things that we were just talking about this in the pub last night. Right, yeah, yeah. Well, David from St Albans has this news. Hi, guys, I have a stainless steel potato peeler. Wow. What is that? Does he mean a knife?

It's amazing what they can do now. He said which is somewhat stained. It's stained? Yeah. I hate when things don't live up to their promise. It doesn't make any sense. No, exactly. Is it steel?

Does it stain, then? Well, according to David Stain, can we establish that? The guy from Sheffield will know. Well, anyone from the 70s will know. But that's shocked me now.

I buy into it. If something's called stainless, that's it for me. I assume it's stainless. OK, so I think we've talked quite a lot about stainless steel already this morning. I don't think the big satire shows are worried about our Corbyn stuff, do you? Oh, I like Corbyn, I'm sorry. He seems nice, doesn't he? Yeah, but then they had a go at him.

So you think the clothes are OK? What do you two think? Yeah, I like thebyn, I'm sorry. He seems nice, doesn't he? Yeah, but then they had a go at him. So you think the clothes are okay? What do you two think? Yeah, I like the lecturer look. Norm Cor, isn't he? He's quite Norm Cor. But it's lecturer who doesn't mind having a drink of a pint of real ale with the students after. That's exactly it, Frank. I think he might be a non-drinker, is he?

No, but you know what I mean? It's that look. He's a lecturer, but he's not a louvre. I have to say, this few minutes is probably the most positive press he's had, uh, this week. No, they, they have been after him, haven't they? Oh my goodness, so many people have told us to hate him, and a lot of them are horrible. The people that don't like him. I mean, when I was reading the other day how much I should dislike, uh, Corbyn,

and I looked at the top of the article and saw it was Rod Liddle, and I thought, you're telling me that Corbyn's not nice? You're horrible. All those at Wimbledon's, he won, no, in the 60s and 70s. Yes, well, as we know, this is not actually a political programme, so the question I want to ask is, you know Tom Watson? Yes. He's his vice, his deputy. Oh, yeah, his partner in crime.

So do Tom Watson's nephew and nieces refer to Jeremy as Uncle Tom's Corby? Oh. That is what we need. You don't get that on Question Time. Certainly don't. Speaking of Question Time, did you notice that he did that? Yes. When he got up in PMQs, which is called Prime Minister's Questions.

Questions, yeah. But people who don't really know call it Prime Minister's Question Time, because they've got a bit mixed up with question time. Yes. But he did it. He calls it the other day, that. About three times he called it Prime Minister's Question Time. No.

Oh, I like him. It's like when they say, yeah. Like question time would suddenly take, you know, like Bruce is the Price is Right. Yeah, it was like that. It's like when you call it the Jungle Frank instead of I'm a Celebrity. Yes. But you'd think when you're taking part in Prime Minister's questions you might

ask someone what it's called before you're going to start talking about it. So that was a mistake on his part. But you know he's he seems alright I think so far. But he might turn out like so many politicians to be a terrible monster. That's the exciting thing about politics, isn't it?

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, JC we were talking about, when he did the PMQs... JC did the PMQs? OK. OMG. Yeah. He went a bit rogue, didn't he?

Because he asked real readers, if I may call them that. Yeah. He asked their actual questions. Yeah, I didn't like it. I didn't like it. Marjorie from Nuneaton wants to know whatever happened to Spangles. I liked it. I liked it.

I resented the fact that he... Why? Well, he never asked my permission to use the email corner jingle, which he started it with. Imagine if he had, like, a reader's questions jingle. What if he'd suddenly gone, email corner, just for a... Imagine if he'd have done their voices as well. If I had an email from Tina

from Merseyside, she says, alright, I'd like to know what you're going to do about social housing. If he'd have done that, it would have been great. I know. Or if you've done your particular foible of... She says, um... Yeah, Tina said, oh, well, I... And Susan from Hampshire, she's turned around and she said...

I liked it. I didn't like it. He said that he got 40,000 replies, didn't he? He said he got 40,000 emails for questions for the Prime Minister. And I think he used four or five, because the rest of them were impenetrable, disgusting, horrible. Do you think? They must have been.

Or stupid. I mean, how many stupid out of 40,000 do you think there were? About 39,000? Well, maybe, but I miss the personal abuse which I associate with PMQs. Oh, go on Twitter then. He wants intelligent PMQs. He wants it to be... I know he said that, and we all think, oh, that's a great idea, but when you actually watch it, it's like when you watch The Voice having watched X Factor. I miss people being reduced to tears. I hate myself for it. But I liked it when they get up and say

terrible things about each other. Well, you see, they can't do that when they're hiding behind the readers' questions. They can't be mean about the readers. Do you remember that one when Miliband very confidently got up, Ed Miliband, and said to David Cameron, well, you know, I know things are pretty

strange between you and the Liberal Democrat Cameron, well, you know, I know things are pretty strange between you and the Liberal Democrat leader and I know you're not getting on very well. And he was loving it, you know, the fact that Clegg and Cameron... And Cameron said, it's not that bad. It's not like we're brothers or something. And you thought, wow! I know it probably wasn't his line, but it was a killer.

Poor old Ed had no combat, just crumbled down. Well, he should have. Yeah, but what about not singing the national anthem? Yes, he was at the... What was it? It was the Battle of Britain... It was the Battle of Britain celebration at Westminster Abbey, I believe. Yeah. And before we take this on in light-hearted bants... Yeah.

I think we should all say that obviously if we'd lost the Battle of Britain that would have been very bad news. So those guys were incredibly brave and well done to them. At another one of our late reviews. 75 years. Battle of Britain went well.

I like well done to them. Big shout going out to the fellas there So you've got to give them massive respect Oh yeah, respect is due But you see I think you don't have to sing the national anthem To give them respect Oh would you say so then

The Queen doesn't sing it Is that true? Yeah I've been, I've stood near the Queen When the national anthem was sung She doesn't sing it It's like wearing your own tour t-shirts That's true It's like you singing three lines at W't sing. It's like wearing your own tour T-shirt. That's true. I suppose you feel a bit bad saying...

It's like you singing three lines at Wembley. It's a bit naff. Oh. You've done that, though, haven't you? You've done that. Don't tell me you did sing it when everyone else sings it. Of course she's done that. If you just heard them under a breath saying me

when everyone else was singing the Queen. Like, happy birthday to me, those people. Yeah. Yeah, but so, mate, was she there at Westminster Abbey? Don't believe she was. Okay. But I might be wrong. But that would have been a good excuse, you see, if he'd have looked across and thought,

oh, she, oh, you don't have to sing it then. Some people don't know the words. Daisy, producer, doesn't know the words. I don't know the words, except for the ones that I don't agree with, like God Save Our Gracious Queen. Why would I sing that? Oh, dear. Although that said, I sometimes sing songs that I don't believe in,

like, you know, Puff the Magic Dragon. I don't believe in that, but I still sing it. Maybe Corbyn's just got a very rigid rule. What about the existence of Johnny Paper? Are you saying that that is... Johnny Paper, is that a song? Yeah, he's the friend of Puff the Magic Dragon. Is he?

Little Johnny Paper loved that rascal Puff. Wasn't it Jackie Pepper? I think it was Johnny Paper. No, I think that's a misheard lyric scene. I think it's Jackie Pepper. Well, I've always said that on the day we did...

Johnny Paper? Why did they call him that? I always say on the day we did misheard lyrics on this show is the day I'll resign. No, but you've actually done one. It's been good

working with you guys. You've actually done one, Frank. It's not Johnny Paper. What sort of child's name is that? I think it was Johnny... Are you going to tell me that... It's been good working with you guys. You've actually done one, Frank. It's not Johnny Paper. What sort of child's name is that? I think it was Johnny... Are you going to tell me that... It's Jackie Pepper. I think it's Johnny Paper, but do let us know, readers. I can't imagine our readers will have an opinion. We do agree

that Puff actually frolicked in the autumn mist. We agree with that. Yes. Oh, frolic, alright. We're not debating that. Johnny Paper, Jackie Pepper, you decide. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We should just say, if anybody's just tuned in and you're wondering what the lyrics are

to Puff the Magic Dragon, then you've stumbled upon the perfect radio show. Because that's today's text in. And Frank and I... Not the whole lyrics. It's whether the character who befriends Puff and then, might I say, leaves Puff. I said Jackie Pepper, Frank said Johnny Paper.

Yes. And can I just say, it was a sort of low-level dispute. Yeah, but we care. Yeah, of course we care, we both care. I would say it was about four out of ten on your argument scale. Seriously? Yeah. OK.

We've had the results are in. Peter, Paul and Mary have texted was it them who did it? I think it was, wasn't it? yes, I believe so the results are in come on well, look

867 has texted us she says Frank is right it's Jackie Paper no then 328 says you're both right it's Jackie Paper. So we were both right. You said Johnny, I said Jackie.

I call him Johnny. It's like John Charlton, everyone called him Jackie. Don't try and make excuses for it. You got it half right and I got it half right. It's a lovely result. I'd say the surname was the most important. No, I wouldn't. It's a nice result.

I'm glad. Johnny Paper. So it's Jackie nice result i'm glad johnny paper so it's jackie paper yeah jackie so you're each leaving with your dignity yes exactly you're both half right not half wrong yeah and i'll tell you something else even though i was half wrong yes can i tell you this when i'm on my deathbed and they say to me what did you do in your life and i'll say i had a radio show on commercial radio on a Saturday morning on which we had to text in which was, what was the name

of the boy who befriended Puff the Magic Dragon? I can go to meet my maker with my head held high. You can anyway. Oh, Puff the Magic Dragon live... Harmony. Puff the magic dragon.

I'm not joining in. By the sea. I don't believe in dragons. I'm not joining in. Don't believe in dragons? I'm like those people that don't join in with God Save the Queen. Okay. Okay.

Which is how this started, isn't it? Oh, yeah, because we were talking about JC and he wouldn't sing. Yeah. I think he might in the future, though. I also think that the people involved in the battle of britain have had seen enough of life to be forgiving characters yeah i mean they've you know they could have took umbridge with the queen's nazi salute you could argue let's forget no they've let that go if you could let that go you could let not

sing in the national anthem go well we don't know't know that we'll let that go. They might be curious. Maybe you can't sing. That's a good point. Some people are embarrassed of their voice. Yes. David Baddiel. Some people don't know the words. Yeah.

Some people don't believe in God or the monarchy. Yeah, but as you say, it's all right to sing about stuff that you don't necessarily believe. Yeah, I think Nicola Sturgeon sings it and it's got a line in it about killing the Scots as well. It has not got a line in it about killing the Scots. I don't know the lyrics, but I think it's got something anti-Scottish in there.

Oh, has it? Let me think. Go right through it. Puff the magic. Little Jockey Piper. Little Jockey Piper. Little Jockey Piper, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, he comes out pretty bad. Because he starts...

Jockey McPiper. Because Jockey McPiper decides that having been with the dragon for ages, through rough and thin, he wants to now go off on his own. Oh, well, what's for you won't pass you by. What's not for you? What is the expression she uses? What's for you won't pass you by. What's not for you? What is the expression she uses? What's for you won't go by you. Oh, OK. Love that.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ian Moore has tweeted me... Not Ian Storymore. He used to play for Knott's Forest. No, funnily enough. Ian Moore, the comic, who's a mate of mine. No. Oh. Any more? Any more?

Well, I did that on purpose. Very good. And also, I like the idea that the any was spelt A-N-I, an anagram of Ian. Yeah. That's brilliant if you thought that as well. That's brilliant if you're listening to a Radio 2 phone-in. Ian Moore has tweeted me to say

no, it's definitely Johnny Paper. Oh! Oh! Oh dear, it's swinging back. Oh dear. It's a knockout. Oh dear, so I might be right. No, one person said that. One low voice of dissent.

Ian Moore, applying for Knott's Forest, that gives him some authority. The majority, the vast majority, are saying Jackie Paper. Yes, well, you know what happens when you listen to the vast majority. Yeah. We've also had somebody texting the entire verse. I don't know

if we should waste time reading that. Is it a wasted time? I'll sing it, if you like. Go on, then. Okay, go on, then. So I think it's quicker than usual. Yeah. Do you want to go into a bit about Little Jackie Paper? Love that rascal Puff. He bought him string and things and lots of other

stuff. He bought him, um, sealing wax was one of the things he brought him. Oh, Ambassador, you're spoiling us. No wonder he never came back. And other fancy stuff. Yeah. That's what he did. He brought him, you know the luxury item. No wonder he never came back. And other fancy stuff. Yeah, that's what he did. You know the luxury item you get on Desert Island Discs?

He basically brought him loads of those to choose from. Oh, that's nice. But no discs. I remember Adrian Charles said that's what he got as a Christmas present once from his parents. What, ceiling wax? No, a ball of string. Did he? Yeah, I thought that was a great present.

He said it was the most useful present he's ever got. Was he? Is that when he used to be a cat? He was a cat for about four years. Oh, I never knew that. Yeah? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Shall we get to a male corner and rather more text? Shall we?

Yeah. Let's go. Let's do it. See, we don't play many jingles. Remember, I used to play jingles all the time. I think we need to do a new one. Do you think so? You know what?

I've had my turn. I've had my Martin McClatchy moment. I think it's Alan's moment in the sun. She's stepping aside. She's stepping aside. I just think it's your turn. I'd like Alan to do one. Feels like that.

E-mail corner. E by gun mail corner. Oh, there you go. We're off. We're off. Zing! I have an email here that I'm going to confess early doors that I don't fully understand, so let's work our way through it

and perhaps I can be... Is it in Sanskrit? I can be the listeners here, because I think... You are every man. I can be that guy, if it helps. Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, I am a long-term reader and love the show. I was so happy that you kept If the Good Lord

Spare Us and The Creeks Don't Rise. I understand that bit, obviously. I just wanted to tell you about the adventures of my sister-in-law, Linda, and niece Maddy in Covent Garden last Wednesday. Let's give this a bit of a background. Linda and Maddy Went out

with each other Oh, hang on. Around lunchtime I received a text from my sister-in-law, who's a bit of a celebrity magnet. She's bumped into the likes of Graham Norton and Dustin Hoffman, and now Frank Skinner. Sorry. Near liberty. I like Dustin Hoffman, and now Frank Skinner.

Dustin Hoffman, oh, no, Frank Skinner. The text message read, Frank Skinner has just told Maddy to do her shoelace up. As an avid listener of the podcast, I was genuinely excited, as I know Frank has a habit of talking about his week's experiences on the show, but my cup of joy overflowed when I saw the podcast was titled Footlace. Frank then described the experience as dealing with a goth, brackets Emily, she's nothing like a goth.

Well, she's got... she had black hair and black clothes on. Yep. Wow. Come on. Bang to rights. You're right. You're a witness. Sanding a bit. You're a witness.

No further questions. The ironic thing was her grandma had told her to do it up and she'd completely ignored her. It wasn't until a Top Gear presenter grabbed her arm and told her to do it up that she tied up said lace, thereby preventing a non-goth-related accident. Now, there's quite a lot in there that I don't know. Can I say the Top Gear presenter to new readers?

Yeah. I was mistaken for one of them the other week. I don't know which one, but a woman grabbed me for a photo and then shouted to her family, here, here, pointing at me from about two inches from my face, Top Gear! Were you choking a waiter about your late pastrami at that point? I was, I was. And I had bootcut jeans on. And did you have a leather-cord necklace?

Perhaps, and a midlife crisis. Yes. Anyway, so that's what... Well, first of all, Maddy, I'm sorry I assigned you to the wrong youth subculture. But the goths are, you know, a long-term respected section of society. She hasn't sent a recategorising of... I love a goth. Oh, I love a goth. The goths, they're my favourite youth subculture. Give me goth over basic any day.

Yes. That's a lovely quote. Yeah, so, yeah, I'm glad... I'm not clear whether she actually... Did she fasten it after I told her then? Sounds like it. Oh, that's good. I might have prevented a very serious accident.

I should be thinking about that when I peruse the honours list in January. Yeah, yeah, that'd be good. Services to the goth community. I was talking to a young woman recently. Oh, this sounds a nice anecdote. Remember where you are, Saturday morning. Well, I'll tell you after.

Cath's listening. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And Judge Pickles is here this morning. No, what did I just say to you off-air? No, but anyway, hold on, I have to do this bit.

Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show by the Absolute Radio website Sometimes the best bits happen off air You know what I want to talk about this morning? What? Stainless steel No, we've talked about that

And not Jackie Paper Puff the Magic Dragon What about when someone wrote in and said I think Puff the Magic Dragon. Do you mean Johnny Paper? What about when someone wrote in and said I think Puff the Magic Dragon had suffering from depression? He does suffer because Johnny just Johnny Stroke Jackie clears off paper. Monsieur Paper.

He clears off. He finds other things to do as young people do. Yeah. So Usain Bolt he's the one who does the 100 metres. He does do that, yeah. Yeah, which I've said before on this show. I honestly think I could do that.

I feel like that about the... What was the one that I said that I felt like that about? The one with the big stick where they go boing. They go boing and... Pole vault. No, the pole vault. You could do... No, but 100 metres...

That's harder, I think. I could do that. I think I'd do that in nine seconds every day. You reckon? Because it's just running quick. It is just running quick. Anyone can do that. You're right, you've really captured what it is.

I don't think there's any skill involved in that race, absolutely. I'm going to be honest. I think the longer ones I can see that, like 1,500, you've got to pace yourself, you've got to overtake people. Yeah. That's just literally run as fast as you can. You're right, it is that. It's a very simple race.

It's a fair summary. So, I could do that. Apparently, some of them hold their breath for the whole thing. That's right literally run as fast as you can. You're right, it is that. It's a very simple race. It's a fair summary. So I could do that. Apparently some of them hold their breath for the whole thing. That's right, yeah. I mean, if you think about it, if it's under 10 seconds, you can keep your breath for that long, can't you? Yeah. Not if I'm running.

Right. You might be able to. That's what they've forgotten, you see. Let's play a long song and we'll go down and do it. Of course, I was there. I was, um... Pardon? I was there the night he got an Olympic goal in the 100 metres.

Were you? I was in the stadium. I was on the racetrack. I was just looking at my programme. There must have been someone who just nipped to the toilet or something. You're kidding me. Yeah. Anyway, Usain Bolt has been in the news, it's fair to say. Yes, he has, because he ran up a £10,000 bar bill.

Whoa! Whoa! Oh, is that a lot? This is for a professional athlete, isn't it? At a London club called Drama. That sounds a nice club, doesn't it? It sounds terrible, doesn't it? Don't you like the sound of Drama?

I do not like the sound of Drama. How do you run up a £10,000 bar tab? I don't know why you're looking at me. I've never done that. I've been lucky to run up a £10 bar tab in my time. How much is a bottle of Lucas Aid Sport? Yeah, he gets that stuff for free. He gets it for free? Then what's going on? What's going on?

Maybe he's graduated onto the lemon barley water, like you, Frank. I reckon that's what it is. I reckon he takes his own mixers in and he's just buying expensive spirits. They're like, gin and tonic, sir. He's like, no, no, gin and Lucashead Sport for me. That's what I'm having. I mean, he's having the... Got it in my jacket.

He's having the Dom Perignon, obviously. Do you think? Can you drink that if you're a professional athlete? He's having, he's passing the Courvoisier, obviously. I reckon he's handing it around to hang us on.

I reckon he's getting the ten grand bill by going, who wants a drink, guys? Well, no, apparently it was just a candle at dinner for two with Judy Finnegan.

Oh, my days. Oh, dear. So, no, it's incredible. And the fuss in the story was... He'll be rolling faster than him when he turns up. It's not that he ran up such a big bar, Bill, is it? It's that he did a runner, as the tabs would say, didn't they? Well, I bet someone said he bolted. Oh, yeah. Well, the fact that he did a runner, as the tabs would say, didn't he? Well, I bet someone said he bolted. Come on.

Well, the fact that he did a runner is pretty good. Yeah. And he, uh... Was he bolting his drinks? He, he, he sprinted off, or, yeah. He did, he left, and then the next day he came back to drama. Can you imagine working at drama? Hello, drama, can I help you? Table for two.

I've never heard of her. Well, no one has. It's where awful... It's a new club, that's what this whole story is about. I bet he was completely dressed from, uh, Jago of the, um, Child of the Jago. Child of the Jago. Child of the Jago. Yeah, I bet he was completely dressed there.

Yeah, yeah. I bet he was. Exotic outfit. I bet when he walked up. He would have had a hat as well. I reckon he was there in trainers and a full shell suit and he walked up and the bar staff, the bouncers had to go, no trainers, oh, actually, it's Usain Bolt, yeah, you can come in. Trainers and the shells.

It was the Elton John tribute night. Yeah. But he went back, in fairness, the next day to pay it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I don't think anyone said... It'd be pointless, wouldn't it, doing a runner if you're as famous as him? Yeah. Because someone's going to...

I'm going to ask you a question. Does he... He's one of those sporting celebrities that I can't imagine him in formal wear. I can't see him in a suit. I only see him in that little yellow top. The best. I imagine he wears a big baseball cap when he's out. Yeah.

With that New York Yankees logo. But in a colour you wouldn't expect. Oh, right. They do it not to get recognised. Something, something... Yeah, straight wouldn't expect. Oh, right. They do want to get recognised. Something, something, yeah, straight. I don't believe this story, I'm going to say this. Why not? Arnie, you've gone too far.

I think, who opens a nightclub in Mayfair? Like, why would you have a new nightclub in Mayfair? I think they obviously know some PR people and they've said, oh, get Usain Bolt to come and then we'll pretend that he didn't pay his bill and that he came back the next day and then we'll get in all the papers and we'll talk about this nightclub. Well, it sounds terrible, doesn't it?

Cynical. It sounds like a terrible nightclub. Mayfair. If someone said, do you want to come to a nightclub in Mayfair, you'd say, no, that sounds awful. I wouldn't. I'd say, I'm 58. And that sounds awful. I'd probably say, who is this?

And hold the phone slightly away from my head and look at the receiver. I mean, good nightclubs are meant to be in sort of slightly rubbish places, aren't they? Well, that's really young. I don't know what good nightclubs are supposed to be. Good nightclubs are supposed to be in the 1970s. You know what? I never liked a nightclub. Even when I was meant to like it, I hated it. There you go. Well, I don't think we was meant to like it. I hated it. There you go.

Well, I don't think we've got to the bottom of this story yet. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. The fashion people are arriving, Frank, outside. Yes, outside in Golden Square, we can see lots of model-y type women and men in shabby clothes with cameras. Yes. It's all happening. As you say, your world, Em, is coming to our world.

It's very weird. Welcome. We have much to teach you. Yes. It's a bit like, I suppose, this going on FM in the West Midlands. Yeah. It's the equivalent of that for me. That's exactly like London Fashion Week. Oh, it's in this region.

A friend of mine, because when people think from the outside, they think the West Midlands, they think that it's all the same place, you know. But, like, if you're from the Birmingham, if you're from the Birmingham, if you're from Birmingham or you're from the black country, it's quite culturally quite different places, even though they're very close.

Is it? How cute. And a friend of mine who was from Birmingham got a job in a factory in the black country, and he went and made the tea. First of all, he said, shall I go and make the tea? And this bloke said, yeah, of course, it takes tea time. So once he'd picked his way through that, later, it means you can't have any tea

because it isn't tea time. So then the guy went off when it was tea time and he came with a tray and a guy caught and said, Usen Zwijen? And Usen Zwijen means whose one is which one? In other words, which one is...

Oh. I thought Usen Zwijen was a bit like Child of the Jago. Yeah, one is... Oh. Anyway, a symbol. I thought Usain's region was a bit like Child of the Jago. Yeah, it would be a good name for a shop, Usain's region. Yes. Which, it turns out, 892 has texted us to say it's Vivienne Westwood's son's brand, which, of course, it is, Joe Corre.

Is that right? Yeah, Malcolm McCarron and Vivienne Westwood's son. There you go. Do you know, we talked earlier about meeting celebrities and how you feel you can go out and say hello. I saw Vivienne Westwood at a bus stop in Whitehall, between Whitehall and Trafalgar Square, and I wanted to go up to her and say,

I think you are one of the great living British artists. I just haven't got the nerve to do it because I thought she might... I don't know. I suspect she would have loved that. I thought she might have this idea she might gob she might... I don't know. I suspect she would have loved that. I thought she might... This idea, she might gob on me. I don't know where I got that from. But I know, I think they're quite sort of feisty,

the fashionistas, at that level. So I didn't. But if she's listening... She won't be. She might be in Golden Square. She could be shy out the window. Yeah. So, um... Oh, yeah, the other... Can I establish? Now, this might be in Golden Square. She could be in Shout Out the Window. Yeah. So, um...

Oh, yeah, the other... Can I establish... Now, this might be an age thing. I thought amateur... I thought athletics was still an amateur sport. Is that incorrect? Oh, well, you mean they don't get paid? Yes.

Well, they just get... Yeah. I think it gets quite a lot of money for wearing clothes. They just get endorsements and... Yeah, they get that. But do they get paid if they run in a race? Do they get paid? I don't know.

Because if they do, then Emily's on to something. Because she can do the 100 metres in nine seconds, apparently. Well, it might not be nine, but I could do it in, like, ten. Well, I used to watch... And that, to be fair, that's in heels. Yeah. I could... I bet you I could do that in ten seconds.

I mean, once you're in flats. I think you could. I think anyone could. Any child could do that in ten seconds. I mean, once you're in flats. I think you could. I think anyone could. Any child could. Such is your confidence. You've completely swept me away with you. Honestly, you'd be very surprised. I just sit there, fire the pistol, and you go,

Oh, what's that? And the race would be over. But I used to go to a lot of athletics. I used to watch athletics live. And it was all sort of thermos flasks and cagoules, you know what I mean? Moms, moms, enthusiastic moms with no make-up on. It's the sort of parents who gave their kids Lady Bird books.

I mean, that's a good thing. And the runners would come and sort of sit in the stand and talk to people and you know what i mean it was very on i mean unprofessional in the best meaning of that but i don't so i i was sort of surprised that he's got the sort of money that he can do a 10 grand bar tab oh well darling they get paid a lot through endorsements these people are rich beyond your wildest dreams anyway do they get paid to anyone through endorsements? These people are rich, beyond your wildest dreams. Anyway, do they get paid to... If anyone knows, would he actually get paid to run?

That's a good question. To go with the many good textings we've already had today, does Usain Bolt get paid to run? Surely not in the Olympics, they don't get paid to run. No, you don't get paid for Olympics, definitely not. A better question would be, would he have to pay the bar bill on this publicity stunt story?

That's my theory. I'm going to go so far as to say 100 he doesn't get paid for the Olympics. OK, and what about general, in his general running, world championships? I will come back to you on that. What about chasing a bus? Does he get paid for that? What about his head-to-head against Johnny Paper? I don't know all of it about athletics. That was Johnny Paper, who was the friend of the magic dragon.

I think you forgot for a second. I didn't. I've got my race coming up in a minute. OK, you should be warming up. You haven't even got your headphones on. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I wish you two would relax.

I've never seen two people run over to a window with greater speed. That's what I'm saying. It's because of London Fashion Week. There's all sorts of exotic people outside. As women, basically, wearing heels. No, no, no, not just, not just. I mean, I can't see any models. They're just, you know, people, fashionistas.

I'll pass on your review later to them. They're endlessly fascinating. Yeah. Did I ever tell you about when I did a runner, by the way? No, have you done a runner? Oh, I've done loads of them. Have you? You don't strike me as a runner type. I did a runner, by the way. No, have you done a runner? Oh, I've done loads of them. Have you? You don't strike me as a runner type.

I don't remember any of their names. No, no, I did. I was with my friend Fez, who I was at school with, and we were in Pizza Land. Right. Does that still exist, Pizza Land? No, but I do remember it. Pizza Land, yeah.

Yes, it had a green neon sign, Frank. I think it might have been the first of the pizza chains. Hang on, can we stop the show just for a moment? Emily, your collar's turned upwards and it's really not looking right. No! I know that you'll be absolutely mortified if I let you carry on. I like it, it's a bit Elvis 1956. It looks a bit more rugby player at Twickenham to me.

Now you're talking. Okay, as you were, pizza land. Yeah, so we had pizza. And then going out, pizza, I think pizzas were new to this country at the time. Oh, yeah, they were very exotic. Yeah, and so we ordered pizzas and it was all lovely. And he said, let's do a runner. It was like four o'clock in the afternoon. We'd gone there

straight from school. And we were right at the back. I said, why did you sit here if you wanted to do it? He said, no, we'll just walk out normally, casually, and then absolutely bomb it. It was New Street in Birmingham. Of course, it would have been before

CCTV, wouldn't it? Oh, God, yes yes It was before TV It was before cars So we got up We finished our meal My heart was thumping a bit And we absolutely bombed it down New Street And

And then Paul went into Like an alley thing And like having giggles And then he said into like an alley thing. And we were having giggles. And then he said to me, Oh, hold on. I've forgot my satchel. No.

And he'd left his satchel in the shop with his name. Do you know what? We have to have our name and address in the front panel. That's the thing that lets all great criminal masterminds down for getting their satchel. I think Ronnie Biggs forgot his satchel. The Diamond High Skies, they left their bus passes. Different story, but same problem. Charles Bronson forgot his satchel.

Yeah. It's true. Oh, Frank, but do you know why that surprises me? Because you don't strike me as a fleer. Well, it was, you know... Don't strike me as a massive criminal, to be honest. No, no. It wasn't.

Hold on, it was two pizzas in Pizza Land. They were probably eight pence each. Anyway, we had to go back, cap in hand, as it was. And then one of the waiters came out and grabbed us, even though we were walking back, and he said, you're fast, but we're faster. And I said, well, to be fair, that's not true, is it? We're coming back.

We're walking back. You haven't called, you know, Ron Rathorson. No, but that's my catchphrase to Usain Bolt. Oh, yes. Well, I wouldn't have said that to him. I would. Yeah, so that was my last ever, Ron.

And if anyone's listening, can we say that Absolute Radio does not condone crime. I love that you felt the need to point this sort of stuff out. But the irony is I've been dining out on that anecdote ever since. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together

the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had a few texts in to answer a few of the questions that we've got set up. Yeah. Athletics is amateur in that athletes aren't paid by teams or paid to compete. There are, however, prizes at events for various achievements, i.e. getting through various rounds, breaking world records. On top of this, athletes receive money from endorsements and sponsorships.

That's from 985. But you wouldn't get appearance money like the cheeky girls get. No, not like the cheeky girls. Usain Bolt is very different from the cheeky girls, I think. That's safe to say. 901 has texted, World champs. Gold equals £60,000.

Silver equals £40,000. Bronze equals £20,000 for all events. Which, I mean, if Usain Bolt wins gold in nine-something seconds, £60,000, that is more than my... That's good for nine seconds. That's more than I get for this whole show. And I'm on here for three... Leave that with me.

Three hours. Sorry to hear that, friend. Are you guys on 60 plus? That is unfair. So that gives them a bit of incentive. Yeah, I'd run faster if there was 60 grand in it. Bronze, 20. Then there's a tin bath, aren't you?

And then the medal, you know, a scrap has got to be worth... Oh, I'd do it to wear the trackie top and stand on the podium. Nice bunch of flowers from an old lady. Love it. Do they still get the flowers? Yeah, they get the flowers. Oh, OK. They don't act like my materials, 1980s.

They get the flowers. Thanks for clearing that up. I, uh... Yes. Mucho apreciatum, as the Pope said. We've also had somebody text. 166 has texted, I would pay anything in caps

to see Emily try to run the 100 metres in 10 seconds, 4 exclamation marks, 20 seconds maybe they're saying. I reckon 20 seconds. I'm going to do it next week. I think this should be staged. I will do it. It'd be really good VT wouldn't it? I think I will do it next

week. For the social media. Really? Yes. I will honestly do it. How many things can I crack ten seconds? I'm going to do it. What a great sporting figure. I would love to see that. I'm not going to say I'm going to crack ten seconds but I think I should attempt a hundred metres. We'll do it in Golden Square.

I don't know if there is a hundred metres. It has to be straight. We want to give you a fair chance. Oh. Daisy, can you sort out a road in London near here? I will do 100 metres. I would love to. That would be brilliant. It's definitely 100 metres.

OK, we'll find it. OK, well, yeah, great. What about if you fall over Ian Lavender on all fours? That's something to... We saw Ian Lavender on all fours in the street many years ago. We should say he fell over. He wasn't just like a dog walking down street many years ago. We should say he fell over. He wasn't just like a dog walking down the street. We don't know that he fell over.

He was on the leash of a guy dressed in leather. All I remember is that John Le Mizzurier was talking to a bloke and then he pushed him over and Lavender was deliberately crouching behind like naughty schoolboys. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Honestly. We've had a text in.

Frank, Alan and Emily, I work for Westminster maintenance contractor. We have the Strand underpass closed next Saturday for cleaning. It's definitely long enough for a 100 metre track. Let me know. So you're going to do it underground? Yes!

I'm doing the hundred metres in the Strand underpass. Imagine if this kick-starts a new underground athletics movement. Yeah, like those people that, you know, those people that jump the city and all that sort of stuff. Yeah, or like Fight Club. Yeah, but I don't want any fans coming to see me.

Yeah, Ron, well, they won't get down there if they're cleaning it. Oh. I mean, he'll have to check with his management. Probably. If you could check with the appropriate authorities. I don't want you inhaling too much, um, the messed up. Grippy footwear in case they've used, like, a Karcher blaster on the floor surface. I'm going to get the, everything will be sportive, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all going to be fine. Imagine if you and Alan turned up. You're my only fans. Oh, I'd be all fun-daisy. We'll be your cheerleaders, don't worry. Yeah, are you going to run around with the flag up around your shoulders after? I'm a professional.

Okay. Frank? You can't be a professional. Can I just say something? It's not much of sport if I text about that. Yeah. What if I was amazingly fast? I don't know.

That would be the best outcome, I think. Yeah, absolutely. I think I will be. Honestly, I've never felt sure of anything in my life. Well, that's fair enough. OK. Can we, before we go, I'm not going immediately.

Before you go. Before we go, are you familiar with the work of Paul Danan? Very good. Or as I call him, Paul Danan. He work of Paul Danann? Very good. Or as I call him, Paul Danann. He's on the periphery of my knowledge of show business. Paul Danann is, he's like a sort of reality person. Well, he was in Hollyoaks originally.

Okay. Which is not reality, it's fiction. I know him better for his performance in Celebrity Love Island. Oh, yes, I see. He gets very emotional, Danan. Does he? Yes. But, why I would like to talk about him today is that... He loves Indian food.

He loves Indian food, that's why they call him that. Danan? Yeah. Danan. Danan bread, I want to know. Well, he's had a child, he's with a child, Danan. Okay. Congratulations. He's listening. He called his... I like the congratulations he's listening he called his congratulations and he's called it de niro de niro de nan wow i mean far bit for me to mock

any one celebrity child name um what i like about that it perfectly, doesn't it, with status quo's whatever you want. De Niro de Nan. De Niro de Nan. He visits his Nan near where Emily ran. This guy's giving me a headache. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about De Niro

Dunham, the new child. I like the fact that he's gone surname, because I didn't do that when I had children. I went for the full... I named them after celebrities that have influenced me as well, yeah. So my son, Michael Crawford Cochran. Oh, yeah. My daughter, Michael Crawford Cochran. Oh, yeah.

My daughter, Ruth Maddock Cochran. I never thought to just go straight to surname, but I like what he's done there. Just skip straight to surname. I can't think of the word De Niro, though, with that. Obviously, he was a great actor and all that, and he's been in lots of brilliant films. I find him a bit over the top, but anyway.

Do you? I think he's brilliant. But Elton John told me that he and David Furnish really got Robert De Niro really losing his temper and getting angry with them because they had this thing that he used to call all their friends

girls versions of their names. They were calling him Roberta and he just didn't like it. And so it was a bit of a scene. Oh dear. You don't want a scene with Elton. What if the kid is like a little stroppy child and they're saying, De Niro, come here, and he turns around, are you talking to me? Yes. It's going to happen. It's going to happen.

I do as well. If my surname was Danann, I'd have called him Rio Fur. Oh. That's not, I could go for Forrester, Philippa Forrester. Philippa Forrester Danann. Forrester Danann. Forrester Dean. Forrester Dean.

What about Daniel? But then it gets shortened to Dan Danann. Daniel? Dan Danann, like a slightly thrilling thing. Dan Dan Dan. Yeah, that'd be good. He's got the billing right, though. Oh, he has.

If there was a film that featured De Niro and Danan, I think De Niro would get top million. But that might not be true forever. No. Paul, if you're listening, chin up. He's a lovely little actor. Anyway, I know what I'll be doing at 7.40 this evening. What? I should be watching Doctor Who, which starts tonight.

Oh, my Who alerts haven't shown up. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. Now get out