The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Drexit

Episode Date: February 4, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel. They're not live so don't text. Frank has a birthday retrospective and the team talk Drexit, running and what they've done every day for ages.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website, but please don't text the show this week. I just can't cope with that bleeping sound. No, we're not live, I'll be straight with you. Like so many

celebrity radio hosts who, you know, you come in more convenient time in the day and do it. I have a special reason this week. But, yes, so don't text us. But none of them do it live, the celebrities. I think one or two, but, you know, I mean,

I think the classic FM's. It's a desolate wasteland. It's all done in January for the whole year. And long tracks as well. Oh, man. Even when they are there, there's a lot of time in the canteen. They haven't got the Skenarian work ethic, these people, these celebrities. Well, if I was here saying,

and now, guys, it's the Meistersingers von Nuremberg by Richard Wagner. That's, I think, five and a half hours. I mean, at the end of it, I'd like to think I'd have put together quite a nice cardigan. Yeah. If only I knitted. So I should say, last week I spent, oh, I'm in most of the show just talking about my birthday,

which I'm sure drove everyone crazy. This week, my birthday, a retrospective. I think I have to... This time it's personal. I have to look back. The novelty of being able to remember my birthday has never really worn off, because there was a time when I woke up in my own vomit.

I mean, always. You woke up to the sound of lorries going past. I'm not saying exclusively my own vomit. No. Other people's vomit and other stuff from me. But anyway. They sound nice. Yeah.

I woke up, sort of, I suppose, if a sausage woke up halfway through the cooking process in a toad in the hole, that's what it was like for me. I'd made a shape in my own mixture. There you go. Morning, everyone. Where real music matters.

Last week was your ambassador's child day. Oh, he was very happy, wasn't he? Because he had a lovely day, didn't you? I had the best birthday i've ever had in my life oh simple as that the people around you have had 59 goes at getting it right and then they did they've peaked congratulations it was really um it was very very special you want to go through the highlights well we went for a meal after i thought we were going to where we usually go which is a perfectly nice place.

But due to my lack of direction, I didn't realise virtually till we were at the door of the exclusive restaurant, the Wallsy, that we were going there. And then upon that, it was a private room. It wasn't even, you know, we weren't amongst the regular customers. Well, I don't know if they have hyperloy there. I think you can get it on the plat de jour. Well. Can I have the hyperloy? It's going to take 20 minutes.

Well, your manager and I were walking a few paces ahead. Well, that's how I like to keep with a red flag. I think I was doing lots of public handshaking. And I think your manager, or was it me? It's so hard to tell the difference. We're very similar. He said, one of us said, I think it was him. He said, well, these people know where the Wolseley is. And I said, no.

We didn't know whether you would. But, you know, we all found it in the end. Well, I didn't, but I was fair. Well, you didn't know where we were going. You were led blindfolded. It was, yes. Not since I've been kidnapped have i had a an experience like that it was great and i tell you what something i noticed and it wasn't the only time i did this over the weekend but when you guys sang happy birthday i um raised my arms in celebration as like an olympic gold winner an

olympic gold winner with no suspicion of drug use. I mean, that sort of freedom. The best kind. And I don't know, instinctively, I've always had a real problem with people doing happy birthday because when it comes to singing, I am by instinct a joyner, innit? You are.

And the me-y that you have to do to make me scan, I've never found satisfactory. I've tried myself. Happy birthday to myself. But then it sounds like there's other selves about to be celebrated and I'm just distinguishing me. But that's what I do know, I've decided. I raise my arms in acknowledgement and celebration.

That's nice. I think it's, if anyone's listening, I think it's the way forward. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so that was the lovely meal. There was one aspect of our meal in the private room at the Wallsie, which I feel I should mention, and that is that my manager at one point, who very kindly bought me a lovely iPad. Oh, he went to town?

Yeah. I don't know where he got it. It might have gone online. And he said, I've put an hour-long greatest hits of your career on here. Why don't we all sit and watch that? Yeah. So on it went. Well, I was very excited.

Yeah. Because I'm not just a colleague, I'm a fan, may I say. And Alan Cochran the same. Alan Cochran was laughing. I mean, comedians laughing, other comedians. Well, I was laughing. What a world we live in. I remember much of it the first time.

You say with a certain regret. Sorry, Alan. I remember much of it when it was on video, actually. Oh, well, exactly, when you were at school. And was pleasantly surprised that you'd forgotten some extra jokes on one routine that I remembered. Oh, you see, I'd forgotten quite a lot of jokes from that time. Well, I was doing a very sort of mother-in-law slash mum thing,

which was I was saying to Daisy, no disrespect, Charlie, but she's also the producer of this show, and I said, he's very quick, isn't he? I mean, how mum's is that? You're not the first woman to say that. It was... But then I said to my manager, I said, look, it's lovely, this,

and hilarious. But... Thanks, Skinner. But... Thanks, Skinner. But. On Frank Skinner. I've got people here who are very close to me. I feel I should be talking to them. And I don't think we should watch the whole hour.

By which point we'd watched about 20 minutes. But you know, my motto, keep banter live. Yeah. And as I was there, you know. Yeah. I didn't. To be honest, I was slightly getting competitive with my own self. I don't...

My own self edited. I mean, that's a tough act. But you did enjoy it. I did enjoy it, but I didn't want you to watch an hour of it. Right. Over lunch. I don't know if you're being deliberately ironic with your keep banter live on this pre-recorded show that we're doing. Yeah, well, I'm keeping it live for you, too.

Al, I really respect that, Frank. However, the point at which you chose to halt the screening was the point at which your manager said, here's the bit where he talks, there's bits from the radio show. And I said, please, can we hear that? Well, I don't know where they did the radio show on a video representation. Would it be photos of us? Have you honestly not watched the rest of it yet?

Well, I'll tell you why I haven't. I'll tell you why I haven't. I don't think I can watch it on my own. Oh. Why? Fear of overexcitement. Oh. Why?

Fear of overexcitement. So I think morally I have to watch it. It's the same as, you know, my Perrier Award from 1991 is slightly tarnished, which is what silver plating does, but I cannot quite get my head around the image of me sitting at home polishing my award well so you based a whole career on that material exactly now i will come and watch it with you how's about that no i don't know you're my sternest critic i know actually actually and my partner is my sternest critic i think it was well the only thing that the only negs about the whole, and

believe me, the whole birthday was totes a mosh. From start to finish. But the only negs thing about it was my son, was not that well. And he insisted on coming to the lunch, because he doesn't like to

miss a private room. He doesn't like some Donald Trump figure. Well, he doesn't want to miss a private room. He doesn't like some Donald Trump figure. He insisted. Well, he doesn't want to miss a private room at the Walls, even aged four and a half. And they did, you know how posh restaurants go the extra mile? There was a bit where he was lying on the floor because he felt so poorly. They went and got him a leather pillow,

which is the most, it's what I imagine Peter the Wild slept on. That's what it looked like. It's had that kind of... It's like an antique. It was peeling a raw onion and staring at fires. It was, and singing songs with no tune. My favourites. Keep songs with no tune.

Sorry, it would be Welcome to Absolute Radio. If Peter the Wild had a show on here, it would be Welcome to Absolute Radio. Peter the Wild had a show on here, be welcome to Absolute Radio. Peter the Wild here and where tunes that don't, where songs that don't have a tune matter. Thank goodness this isn't live.

Aren't we going to edit that and make it very neat and tidy? We won't. I mean, no disrespect, guys listening, but we won't. Just won't. I mean, no disrespect, guys listening, but we won't. Just take it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

So, yeah, that was all smashing. And then I went out with two friends for I went to I went for a curry. Did you? Nice. And you don't even really like... Well, I had a ticker, I'll be honest with you.

Did you? Yeah. Dodgy ticker. Yeah. I had a lovely ticker. I should have got a gold ticker, if you think about it. Was it the next evening, then? It was the next evening.

OK. I went out with the popular presenter, Adrian Childs, and the award-winning actor, Conneth Hill. Oh, nice. He's in Game of Thrones. He's in, yes. He plays Lord Varys, I believe it is. He does.

Head eunuch. Oh. Yeah. Congratulations. No, it's just come through on a text. I've been waiting for years. It's a very long waiting list, the whole eunuch thing. So I made the cup.

Lovely. So, again, the man at the curry thing very kindly brought over a surprise birthday cake. Now, if this is the curry house I'm thinking of, I don't want to give away any state secrets here, but he likes a celebrity, this man, doesn't he? Well, I think he likes... He's probably the best maitre d' I've ever known. Oh!

God, I remember Kath once asked if they'd got any mango, and he sent one of the waiters out. I saw him leaving in what we used to call a car coat. And come back with a plastic carrier bag with mangoes. Within ten minutes, there they were on the table. Well, not mango chutney, just mango? No. Wow.

Pure mango. My partner wouldn't eat anything as exotic as mango chutney. Delicious. It is. Yeah. Yeah, but what's that yellow stuff you dip your poppadoms in? Make your popdown. Mango chutney, isn't it?

Oh, that's my career gone. One slip of the tongue nowadays. You don't get a second chance. No. Don't be able to polish that pear here anymore. No, indeed. What about, so anyway, so you had a nice cousin. Yeah.

He loves the poppadoms. He loves the cousin. So then the cake came and there was another, I sang, again, my arms were up as they sang happy birthday to me. Did Adrian and Con sing happy birthday? I think they did quite a tight little two-part harmony. I was going to say a bit weird, but nice all the same. Yeah.

And at the end of it, the entire restaurant applauded. That is nice. Now, I couldn't work out whether they were just joining in, joining in, or whether it was some sort of acknowledgement of my borderline national treasure status. And yet there's no bit of your brain thinking, they were applauding thinking,

oh, great, that song's over whilst we're having dinner. That's great. That's possible. I'd be so paranoid. But I said, as a bit of random bants, I said that's the best response I've got for 10 years. And I thought that only works if it was people applauding me

because of my borderline national treasure status if it was just cake applause if it was cake based applause it meant nothing in fact people who did know who I was but were still only doing cake based applause wouldn't know that I'd made a very great fool of myself but I'm choosing to put a positive spin on it based applause, wouldn't know that I'd met a very great fool of myself.

But I'm choosing to put a positive spin on it. So as far as I'm concerned, it was a spontaneous show of affection from the British public. I think it's lovely. I think so too. Of course, the last time that happened, we left Europe. But, you know, you win some, you, etc. Fred Skinner on the radio. But, you know, you win some, you, etc. Can I say, for someone who had three cakes in three days,

two days, three cakes in two days, I'll say it again, no, I won't, you are looking very svelte. I don't think he had them all. No, you know what? I did that. I played a bit with them. Oh, yeah. I know, I've got got the tricks now i taught you that i saw a picture of me about um two months ago well actually

we were filming a bit for room 101 i had a pink jumper on and they just played it back we were trying to work out how to do this uh thing and when I saw my belly, I thought, that's it. It was an epiphany. Was it? It was. Yeah, I don't mean that. That wasn't the make. It was mine.

Do you remember that old joke about there's a bloke on a tram, just to date it, and he falls asleep and there's a sudden thump and he lands on the woman in front of him and he says, is this Maida Vale? She says, no, I'm five months pregnant. Oh, I like that one. I love old jokes. Can I say, if you don't live in London,

you may not have heard of Maida Vale. It's a part of thing, but a part of thing. I like that transport-based joke. It's a part of thing is, I'm going to write a song called that. Okay. It's a part of thing, I guess we all are. Oh, yeah. It's a part of thing, let's sing.

Yeah, there it is. With a little sort of Bon Tempe Oh yeah Or an Epiphany if I can get one Stylus I think the Epiphany 359, that's a beautiful keyboard Yes So you're fashion thin at the moment

I am, I've virtually stopped eating Oh don't do that And can I say, I've very deliberately done it in order to lose weight. For now, it's not for health reasons. To hell with that. I just wanted to look thinner than I looked before. And by glory, it's worked. It's worked.

I think it's worked. Geoffrey, come here. It's worked. But Professor, you said you must test. Forget the test. It's worked. Yeah, so it's very exciting. There's a suit I'd given up on.

Oh, really? And it's a suit. Back in the game. I tried it. And this is a good thing. Don't take this the wrong way. You've got that sort of, you know, looking good, lost weight. I like it.

It's slightly, you're walking on air a bit. I can sense it in you. Well, I'm lighter. But I couldn't get the two ends of my waistband into the same postcode three months ago. You're actually not your Britain's fattest man. No. Yes.

Yeah, don't. No, but as you know, I have the Little Plum curse, which is Little Plum was a character in The Beaner that probably couldn't exist now because he was a Native American who said things like, I'm chiefy. And he had a little thing with a pot belly, which is what I've got.

Hard. But anyway, it's... Well, congratulations. Yeah, well done. I think our friendship is at least 20% better now. I think at this rate it's going to be about four months before Frank suggests doing the show Tops Off or something. Or where's a crop top?

Allow me to take the week off that week. That's fine, yeah. I agree. I think I'm nearing a point where in bright light people will be able to read through me. That's my dream. Don't get me wrong. I know people are saying, you know, shouldn't celebrate being thin. But being fat's really healthy.

That's all I'm saying. OK. OK. So here's the thing. My partner, Kath, obviously being 60 is a big deal, so she wanted to do a big deal type present. What she actually did was she got me 60 presents. She hid them around the house

which is quite an adventure at the moment because we've been flooded so there's floorboards up and stuff like that you know there's whole new avenues of hiding is that a good thing? well it's a splintery thing well yeah it took me two days

to find all 60 presents honestly and that was with the help of much of my family Well, yeah, it took me two days to find all 60 presents. Wow. Honestly. And that was with the help of much of my family following around. And I have five pages of manuscript, which you'd made look deliberately dated and like, oh. Oh, I think I saw that. And didn't it look a bit like the Magna Carta? Yes, exactly. Burn to the edges.

Exactly. Which I have seen, obviously. Like a treasure hunt. Well, exactly that Burned to the edges. Exactly. Which I have seen, obviously. Like a treasure hunt. Well, exactly that. All right. I was just thinking a Magna Carta, the unstoppable sex machine. Was it worth saying? I don't think so.

Would it have been on the greatest hits video? I don't think so, no, no, no. Although I've also been sent the rushes of that, which is three hours. You haven't. No man could get through it. That's the one you'll watch alone. You'd have to watch that in an oxygen tent. It'd be too risky.

Lord of the Rings. I mean, you can only laugh so much before the basic functions start. Anyway, so I was given these pages of sort of manuscript with clues on and a treasure map of the house. Can I say a map of a house? What do they call that? They don't call it a map. Plan?

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? The thing where... Like a blueprint. Yeah, like foundations. It's the hardest thing. Foundations? What are you talking about? A design, like an architectural design drawing. Is that what you mean? Well, I think it's gone a blueprint. It's the hardest thing. Foundations? What are you talking about?

It's like an architectural design drawing. Is that what you mean? It's gone a bit different strokes. What are you talking about? Cockroach? Yeah, it would be a blueprint, but it wasn't blue. Well, yeah, it's what those architects do. It's so hard to read.

Floor plan. It's a floor plan. Has he redeemed himself after foundations gave? This is great. Let's go floor plan. It's a floor plan. Has he redeemed himself of the foundations gate? This is great. I didn't like foundation. I really reacted to that. I can't believe it. That's what guilty celebrities start.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I'll give you an example. You want to hear a couple of the clues? Oh, yeah, go on. Here's one. See if I solve it. Three of them meet up through the pen of your neighbour. OK.

Three of them meet up through the pen. Oh, OK. Three of them... Oh! Oh, she's really thought about this. I might have to help you with this. No, well, I don't know if we should think about it on air. Well, shall I tell you who my neighbour is?

That might help you. OK, David Baddiel. No. Oh, David Baddiel. No. Oh, is it a writer? It is Terence Dicks, former script writer and script editor of Doctor Who. Ah. So three doctors meet in the same episode.

It's the three doctors' target novelisation. You guessed it. Well, no, I didn't guess it. No, you didn't guess it. And there was no chance of me guessing that. But I have to say, that's a very good little cryptic number. She's been working on that. It's got a bit of everything.

I'll give you one more. Are they all Doctor Who, the clues? Because it's a bit depressing. No, not all the press. I hope you don't mind me saying that. Not all the press. It's really depressing. This is very much not Doctor Who.

OK. It's what the Romano-British used to write with. I mean, it's a hell of a clue. Like the Roman... A quill. You know what? Is that right? A quill? It's actually a stylus.

Oh. And what's happened is that on my behalf, it's been adopted. It's actually at Cirencester Museum, where there was an enormous Roman settlement and I now

am the official sponsor of a Roman Romano-British stylus which I'm actually very excited about I mean

I think you'll find that's a cuna matata do you remember which I have no part of I wish I did. This sounds like an episode of Only Connect.

It's like an episode of this show. There was an episode where you could not remember the word stylus and then shouted it. And I got stylus. Oh yeah. Other than your birthday last week, I don't think I've seen you more excited. It's one of the highlights, I'd say, of my life. It was very Stuart Pearce. When you really

can't remember something and then you remember it, I mean, it's such a thrill. That was good. So, and another, one more variation on the 60 thing. My friend, Robin, bought me a £60 pie voucher

for a pie shop. That's a good gift. Can I just say, is that pounds as in cash money or not LBS? It's cash money, but she did buy me two other pies. So I got two pies and a voucher for £60 worth of pie.

Are you known to love pie in some circles? I do love pie, but slightly in my former life, if you... I was going to say. ...priest felt. Oh, I see. But I've found if you have a section of pie with a little bit of lettuce and maybe radish, it's absolutely fine. It is fine. It don't have to be sans pie. Don little bit of lettuce and maybe radish it's absolutely fine it is fine

you don't have to be uh songs pie don't think that for a second and as i believe just don't go mad you and your manager and i all agreed at your birthday meal um it's fine to eat fat if you're avoiding the sugar yes my i was that's because that was a low point you three all talking about diets on the other end we had a chat about about football. That's how the world is. I was trying to justify the fact that Daisy, our other producer, bought me a jar, a large jar of pork scratchings. Great. I've had many pork scratchings in my life, but they've never been in a jar.

It's like a laboratory specimen. I've come to them late. Yes. It's a superfood. It's official. It's official. a superfood. It's official. It's official. It's official. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If I knew they had a song called Pork Scratchin'. You can follow our show And on Alcoholic Wine Yes, you can follow the show on Twitter today At Frank on the Radio Email the show via the Absolute Radio

Please don't text the show We're not live this week I'm sorry We're nearly live But we're not live So don't waste your money, mate You made us sound very square. I used to say that a lot. People say,

are you Frank Skinner? Can I say I did drink and smoke? Back in the 90s, I was a heavy smoker. I used to drink and smoke as well, you know. It's a kid's thing, isn't it? When you're a teenager, then you grow out of it. Sorry, guys. But, you know,

do you feel well this morning? No. There's people in Nickelback tall t-shirts about to spark up. I know. Fair enough. You know. No judgement, okay? If I could, I would. But I can't. Yeah. So you were. We should really discuss

the news that I am dubbing Drexit, Doctor Who exits. Oh. I'm having that. DR for Doctor. Oh, D-R for Doctor. Oh, excellent work. I mean, it's lit up the switchboard. I'm led to believe that the Twitter has gone crazy with people tweeting the show about you, Frank.

Peter leaving. Well, Peter Capaldi leaving, but we're interested in this story for other reasons because everyone thinks there's room for a new doctor and you know who they think that doctor should be? Frank Skinner. Yeah. I was going to guess Linda Lussardi. That would be a good

shout but no. I would be very surprised if the next doctor is a white male. I don't want to hear anything. I think there's tremendous pressure on the BBC not to go that way. He's already getting a statement

prepared so he doesn't look like a sore loser. Well, we've had some of these tweets. Helen Francis has been in touch. Opportunity comes knocking again. You know it makes sense, Frank. Don't give up the show. Hashtag New Doctor. We've had some more, Al.

Frank on the radio for Hashtag new doctor. We've had some more, Al. Yeah. Frank on the radio for the new Doctor Who role. Get your CV sorted at Frank on the radio. I don't know if that means that you're leaving this or just... You have to send in your CV. One from our boss. Tell me I'm making it back to proper jobs. One from one of our bosses, Paul Sylvester from Absolute Radio,

who I believe is the programme controller, is that correct? Anyway, he sits in a nice space. Hashtag Frank Skinner for hashtag Doctor Who. Well, it's a lovely idea, but I think they'll never, if there is a white male, I don't think

there'll ever be another doctor over 40. Why do you say that? Because I think there's a feeling that if you want to get certain sections of society to watch, that you need a young, good-looking male. If you're going to go white male, it's got to be... Who would be? Say Adam Rickett. Oh, he's about 50 now.

No, I thought Rickett was on Coronation Street. He's bald and 50. When I think of an attractive young male... I think he might be the most up-to-date. I think Rickett. Well, yes, I remember that video. Do you remember in the pants? Oh, when he's in, like, a sort of space age incubator.

Yes, I remember that. A bit you remember in the pants? Oh, when he's in like a sort of space age incubator. Yes, I remember that. A bit like Rocky and Rocky Horror Show. Now, what a torso he had. Frank, you and me both thought that. The next Doctor Who. There wasn't no... Frank, that's a weird example. It is a weird example.

Ironic that he was named after Ricketts, an illness. Divisible D deficiency. Which bends the body like... Charlie says D. Vitamin D deficiency. Or C. Which bends the body like... Charlie says D. D. D. Bones. Okay.

D-Bones, they were a good band. Her only interjection ever on the show was D-Bones. Yeah. Frank. D-Bones, D-Bones, D-Dry Bones. Much as... Now hear the word of the Lord, I said it, Revelling, boing, rebelling, boing, boing, boing.

Has he started playing us all? Much as I'm enjoying our topical references to Adam Ricketts, I do think we should get back onto this subject. You think Ricketts out? Ricketts not in the frame? Frank, it's not going to happen with Ricketts. Let Ricketts go. What's he up to, Ricketts? I saw a press media story about Ricketts recently.

I still think he's a personal trainer. I think I read he's like a Manchester local favourite. I think he's like a PT. He's married to a lady. I know that much. He's married to a lady. I do know that. Married to a lady.

Yeah. I don't know who the lady is, but she's some presenter, I think, maybe. Anyway. Sounds good. He looks absolutely fine. No, he was always handsome. But he's not. I don't think he's in the running for Doctor Who.

Well, if he was a bit younger, I think he would be. Well, shall we tell you who is in the running? Yes. Hayley Atwell. Ah, yes. I used to love her children's stories. Well, I like her ancestors sitting around the well. I can picture them now.

They must have been. That's her surname, Atwell. That's why they would have been named that. Is that right? Yeah, I would imagine so. Welled why they would have been named that. Is that right? Yeah, I would imagine so. Well, people. Olivia Colman. Maybe they lived in wintry regions as well.

That was how Hayley came up. It doesn't work with the first names, does it? Frank, Olivia Colman. She's been mooted. Her family, obviously, delivered the coal. John Terry. John Terry? I just made that up.

I don't know what his... What did his family do? They made the towelling. That's right, yeah. I do think... Actually, his family did quite a lot of stuff, if I remember right. Not all of it broadcastable.

Let's not talk about it. No, exactly. I do worry the way the world is going, it is going to be something like John Terry or Roskamp on gangs. No, I don't think it'll be... It might be Roskamp on gangs. I think, I don't think it'll be. It might be Roskamp on Gangs. I think it'll...

Roskamp would be a good show. I think it'll be a lady. Do you? Which lady? Go on. Well, we'll talk about that in a moment, but first of all... Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not.

There must be some mistake. There was a bit of clatter at the beginning of that link. And I liked it because it was quite backstage at Russell Grant. When he shouts at the stage, just leave it. Yes, I like a bit of that. I remember one, I went to see the, I think it was, it might have been the opening night of anything. No, I think it was a preview of Anything Goes at the National. Lovely.

And one of the dancers got his foot caught in the revolving stage. Ooh! I can't believe I'm laughing. This is horrible. Actually, happily he wasn't badly hurt. He was just a bit bruised. It took the sole off his shoe, apparently. I know. That could have been worse, couldn't it?

But it was one of the most high-pitched sounds I've ever heard from a man. Yeah, he's been a soprano ever since. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine the theatre world the next day? Did you hear what happened at Goes? Yeah. That guy.

They'll call it Goes in their trade. Do you think so? Yeah. Anyway, Brexit. What about Ben Whishaw? He's in the running, isn't he? I believe. He's, I think he's... You don't think

so? Well, you know, he's young. Is he under 30? He's under 40 certainly. He's good. He's definitely under 40. But didn't he once say that you can't be... Is it... Which letter is the... Q or M. He's Q, isn't he? He's Q, yeah.

The inventor. He said he didn't think he could really be Q and the Doctor. Q. Did he say Q and who? He should have said Q and who. I don't think he did. Oh. Right.

Is he worried his fan base is going to be too nerdy? Is that his issue? It's too late for that. Well, I've got my own idea on this. What about that lovely boy who has done some work for Absolute Radio, who played Moriarty, Andrew Scott? He'd be good. Well, he'd be absolutely amazing.

But again, is that too much to be Moriarty and then to be the Doctor? Well, people are also talking about Rupert Grint, who's... Oh, the old Grinter. The Harry Potter. Now, if he then became a Doctor... Still not ginger. His fan base would be entirely the people that go to those sort of conventions. Harry Potter and the Doctor.

But when Matt Smith emerged from his regeneration, one of the first things he said was, still not ginger. Did he? Like he'd been waiting to be ginger for for all these generations well i'll tell you what's war i mean peter capaldi for my money as you know i'm not a fan peter capaldi was the first you're not a fan of the show the show no oh capaldi i'm all over that man yes he that was the first time I thought I could start watching this. Yeah.

I mean, obviously I didn't. But I made an exception for you. So what did his family do? They sell hats in Aldi. Yes. Aldi. Very strong. Strong.

I don't think it always works, does it, with the family name? It does generally. Okay. Speaking as Alan Cochran. No, I don't think it does. Do you come from a religious line of religion? No, because my surname has changed. My original name, if you'd like to know, is Bickerstaff.

I didn't know that. Emily Bickerstaff is my real name. They were a very unhappy HR situation. I remember those days. Oh, man, I mean, it was out of hand. Frank Skinner on the radio. and it was out of hand. Frank Skinner on the radio.

We've got an Emily Dean and a Sarah Bishop on the show. Oh, yeah. Frank likes to surround himself with the clergy. And a Nazarene, yeah. That's not my real name. Carry on. Do we know why PCAP is jumping to harvest? Does one ever know? I mean, it's the stat. Many years ago, there was an episode called The Five Doctors.

Right. In which, well, they sort of all featured, but four of them actually turned up to be in it. Right. Including a stand-in for the dead one. Oh. Anyway, it's too complicated. Keep it light, Frank.

Often it's too complicated for Doctor Who. Yes. So Patrick Troughton, who was like the oldest living doctor. Lovely, lovely Patrick. Yeah, said to, is that what your parents called him? I think they did call him that, they knew him. Said to Peter Davison, who was the current incumbent, is that the right word?

That's right, yeah. He said, don't do any more than three years or you get typecast. And that's become... Don't do any more than three minutes or you get typecast. And that's become... They're getting more than three minutes or you get typecast. They haven't all followed it to the letter, but generally that's what people have done. Three years is about... Except for William Hartnell,

who, frankly, was pleased with the gig. He'd already gone at that point. You think of all acting jobs, that's one that you could do for ages. You're a time lord. But Hartnell did three years. It could really last for a long time. Well, I mean, Baker did seven. And as he, by his own admission,

never worked again. That's not true, though. It did Doctor Who stuff. He would have been offered some work in Red. He was the voiceover on Little Britain. Funny book. Now, I'll tell you why PCAP, I think, is walking away. Go on.

Because I think he's fabulous. And I think you said yourself, your character said, a job like that could change a man. Yes. Well, I'll remember. It's changed him. And I think he doesn't want that to happen. Maybe.

Well, I'm sad because I like the fact that there's a proper fan of Doctor Who playing the Doctor. But I've become, I've been sort of accepted now it's almost certainly going to be a woman because I think that the BBC, if the BBC name a white male now, they're going to look, I think they're going to be criticised. Is that what you think? Yeah. You don't think Winslet would do it, do you?

No. Can you imagine? I couldn't get the shoes. Big shoes to fill. That's true. But all she needs is some that are bigger on the inside. It wouldn't look so bad. Nine and a half UK.

Yes. Kate Winslet. And she fills them beautifully. It's surprising the many facts that I know because of you. That is one of them. No, yes. I have tried with Doctor Who. You know I have.

No, I know you have. I mean, I watched that episode with you and I've told you this. It was all nice on the train. Everyone had lovely clothes. And then some weird sonic monster came in and ruined the nice dinner party. It was a mummy. It was one of the more traditional. A monster came in and ruined the nice dinner party.

It was a mummy. It was one of the more traditional. It wasn't a sonic monster who'd accidentally pulled over the deep fryer. You know, definitely it's growing on me and I feel more affection for it. And I think that is because of you and PCAP. So I'm just saying, choose carefully, people. Well, yeah, but I put it to you that you'd watch it every week if they went ricket. Is it ricket or rickets?

I think it's ricket. It's ricket, yeah. It can't be called rickets. The family will be called the rickets. They are called the rickets. Yeah. Have you seen the rickets? I saw someone from the BBC arriving. You don't think, well...

They were saying on the radio he was in with a shout. Frank Skinner on the radio. So we were discussing the new... I tell you, what about Farage? Available. He's got that sort of... You know, like, you couldn't... If he was in the papers,

he was from another galaxy. I wouldn't say you wouldn't be shocked, but you wouldn't be completely knocked out by that. There is a replicant aspect to him. Although, I don't... He's not a female, and he is a white male. So he falls apart. I know, but if he's an alien...

Well, I've got his business card, which says Nigel Farage, a replicant. You know, he's not known for especially forgiving aliens, so I don't think he would like that. No, that's true. Exactly. Or continental travel. He's got the quirky footwear, or just, you know, the quirky... Is he Pauline Quirk?

It's a strange choice, Frank. You can't just lurch from Adam Ricketts to Pauline Quirk. It's weird. Very strange family. It's the story. One peccadillo after the... I think they lived in peccadillo circus for quirks what about a real doctor

like a doctor that we know Harry Hill, he's a real doctor what about, you know the one show sometimes has imagine how many times during an episode of Doctor Who you'd have to say, what are the chances of that?

It'd be perpetual. It might take the edge off the show somewhat, you're right. Last time there was a vacancy for the Doctor Who seat, my mum phoned me up and said, I think you should apply for that, Alan. Well, you... How could you apply for the Doctor Who? No, you could apply.

And you're regional. I am regional. They love regional in the regional sci-fi show. There's a whole sort of strand of people who were offered it or people who Ron Moody apparently was offered it. Imagine when his relatives come round.

I'm going to stop doing it now. I'm going to stop doing it.. I'm going to stop doing it. Blessed claims that he was offered it. Yeah, but he claims a lot of things, doesn't he? He applied for it, not even by post, just by opening a window and yelling. Telling his wife.

He lived four miles from the BBC and he's still got a no thank you letter. Fantastic. I think it is going to be a woman. I've got that feeling as well. I'll tell you what, Tilda Swinton would be. Frank, you've cracked the case.

They have to be people who are busy. She won't do it. She's too big for that. If they've got a real big film career I think they'll do it. Well this is what concerns me about Whishaw slash Scott. Right, yeah. I mean they've got Hollywood movies. They have, you're right. Yeah, this is what concerns me about Whishaw slash Scott. Right, yeah. I mean, they've got Hollywood movies. They have, you're right.

Yeah, so Winslet's out. But I suppose if there is a female doctor, then they probably will go for a white male assistant, in which case I'm available. Perkins. I'm available. What they need is an older guy to go with the, you know, like they do on the news.

They have, have like the older Wrigley guy, Wrigley? on a good night and don't talk about his family and then a younger woman, it's a time on a... are you putting yourself forward again? last time?

would you be the assistant? I'd be the assistant in the twinkling of an eye what about that? Perkins is the assistant. Companion is what they normally call them. But I'm happy with being called the assistant. And then Ricketts as the doctor. In-house engineer. Ricketts and Skinner.

Um, yeah. I think, um, I think he could carry it off. There's never been a doctor that only did the entire show in briefs. That's part of his contract. He's got to wear pants the whole time. We don't know what he looks like now. What if he's called the record? Can we have a Google?

Well, you know, we don't really approve of Google. We can Google. The rule is if you know the answer, you can't Google. We want to know what he looks like. You know when you Google a celebrity now and one of the things you're offered, like if you looked at, I don't know, if you looked at Paul Inquirk

if you say Paul Inquirk 2017 you'd think that's the unkind pictures I'm not going to look at that. It's always to show how people have aged. But I bet Ricky is still whippet like. I don't agree. I think he looks like Stavros Flatley now. That's my guess.

Can I ask Flatley? I think he looks like Michael Flatley. I bet he's in great shape as well. Could he be thee? He's a friend of Donald Trump's, isn't he? Time Lord of the Dance. Oh, nice. Fantastic.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I remember when I lived with David Baddiel, we moved house, and I think he thought I was going to go somewhere else, I moved with him. And the removal company, they were really hopeless. When they turned up, they still got a load of stuff in the van from the previous thing, so we couldn't get a lot of the stuff in, except... Anyway, we'd been doing all this, we had to help them do the lifting and stuff.

And about five hours into the move, I said to this bloke, so what do you do? What's your normal job? He said, this. This was a very awkward silence for the rest of the journey. Anyway, so we were talking about Drexit, as it's been named by Alan Cochran.

Drexit, copyright. That'd be good. Copyright AC. Yeah. I wonder if they could really go random and have something like a cyber construct instead of a real actor or something like that, sort of Max Headroom.

Oh, I see what you're saying, yeah. Hologram style. Something, you know, because it's supposed to be a cutting edge show. Do we really need a proper person? Have you seen magicians nowadays use iPads and they put their hands in and the hand appears on the iPad and stuff like that? Do they do that? Yeah, yeah, they could just have like a screen.

What about Dynamo? They could just have Dynamo. He was at a party I was at last night. Was he? Too slight. He was doing card tricks in the corner. Too slight? You know what?

He takes his work everywhere with him. He didn't have night off? No, he was doing card tricks. Magicians do that. I've never been at a party and said, do you want to hear a bit of some of my stand-up? Never. I mean, obviously, they have heard some of my...

Yeah. But I've integrated it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they'll actually get the cards. I had a mate, you know, one of my best friends was a magician. God bless him, he couldn't resist that. And I love a bit of magic, don't get me wrong. But something like, do you remember the paper clip

that used to greet you when you put a computer on? Oh, we did a little dance. Yeah. Microsoft Office. Something like that. Something like that as the new doctor. Well, you think that could be the new doctor? Yeah.

LAUGHTER I'd do like that as the new doctor. Well, you think that could be the new doctor? Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got it. What? Siri. Siri's the one. What about Siri, just on the companion's phone? Very connected. Well, it's quite...

And helpful. Although, would the whole thing come crumbling down when there was no reception? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about... And also, are you going to have to... Are you going to get a lawsuit from Hasselhoff? Because it's all gone a bit kitten Knight Rider, hasn't it? Oh, yeah.

Come on. That's true. Think these things through. We don't want Hasselhoff, Hasselhoff. We don't want any Hasselhoff. That's how his family got named anyway. His family were a nightmare. You know you were on a bag.

You know that you were saying that people don't apply for Doctor Who. Do you think Hasselhoff has written to Donald Trump and saying, can I do the first gig on the Mexican wall? Oh, yeah. He's a specialist, isn't he?

Yeah, he did war gigs. He doesn't mind if they're going up or coming down. Pink Floyd sued him. No, that would be the ultimate, if Hasselhoff did a gig on the Mexican wall.

Someone to think about. So I'll tell you who my actual real choice would be. Seriously. Rylan. Yeah. Someone to think about. So I'll tell you who my actual real choice would be. Seriously. Ryland. Seriously. Look, I love Ryland. I actually love Ryland. But what about when he has to do the really serious speeches? Oh, there aren't serious speeches. Come on, get

real. Of course there are. Silly. What about the one in the Zygon inversion, was it, when he talks about war oh yeah that one that's well i like that because it was pcap i cry every time i hear that but i couldn't if rylan had done it no i don't know if that would have you think not yeah but it's a lovely speech and then someone comes running in saying what about the sonic warlocks and ruins it yeah well you know they love a bit of rhyming slang in the third galaxy.

No, I tell you what, I think they've slightly had a bit of bad luck here. You know, there was a spin-off series recently called Class. Are you aware of it? Oh, I've got to. Yeah. Well, it was set at the original school where the teachers came from. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes, it's Patrick Ness.

OK. Family were monsters. I said I'd stop doing that. I said... Once you start, you can't stop. There was a character in it called Miss Quill, played by Catherine Kelly. Do you know her?

Oh, yes, I know Catherine Kelly. Oh, man, she was absolutely... She was in Corrie. She would be a brilliant, brilliant Doctor. Brilliant. But I don't think... I think now she's been a main character in a spin-off. Although Capaldi, of course, he was in Doctor Who.

Was he? Yeah, he was in The Fires of Pompeii. And as we all know, Colin Baker played Maxill. We all knew that. When Tom Baker... I'm just going to give you one last bit. When Tom Baker appears in the 50th anniversary special, he suggests

that doctors choose faces that they've seen on the way. Lovely. So, if they gave it to Catherine Kelly, I would be... I love Frank, and I love you, and I love PCAP, and I love Perkins, but I will not have Sonic Warlocks.

You will have if you keep sitting on them cold surfaces. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We will read them, of course, but please don't text us because we're not... It's a rare week when we're actually not live this week.

Yeah. So usually we are, and this week... You know what? We ain week. Yeah. So usually we are and this week, you know what, we ain't. Yeah. Okay. I wanted to talk this morning, much as I want to talk more about Doctor Who. No, enough. I would like to move things on to, there's been, they've had a bit of a mare in Scotland. Are you familiar with the Great Scottish Run? Yeah. Which is a half marathon. It's a Scottish run that is really great. Well, it's not so great. Because they've now discovered that the Great Scottish Run from last year,

yes, 2016, was 150 metres short after they re-measured it. When you say re-measured, I saw pictures of this. When you say not so great, you mean not... Not so long. Oh, not so great, yeah. So I saw a picture. They said it was remeasured officially. There were two men in high-vis jackets...

Really? ...doing pigeon steps. Did they let you in? They weren't doing it. Yes, I saw the photograph. Surely not. Anyway, I don't... They didn't even have a yardstick.

I was really hoping it'd be one of those wheels, you know, the little wheels that you see them walking on. That was a yardstick, wasn't it? Is that what it's called? I think it's the click on the yard. I mean, whatever happened to... 10,000 people took part. So it means that the person

who won, etc., they weren't, they're invalid. They're PBs, they're personal bests. PBs will be all over the place. I mean mean you'd be incandescent with rage not least at the fact that i think quite a few of them run with their own kind of sat nav watches don't they have like a little gps watch so when they finished they went i don't normally run it two seconds faster than i usually do or tell you it had the distance yeah exactly yes i'll riddle me this even on the day they would have been saying this course normally run it two seconds faster than I usually do. But wouldn't you have had the distance on it? Yes. Wriggle me this. Even on the

day, they would have been saying, this course is 200 yards short. Or would they have thought, oh, I've just broke the record for this. Keep it under your hat. Keep it a little bit quiet. Keep it under your face. If they're going to re-measure it, why did it take four months to re-measure it? Who was the person who said,

let's re-measure it? Who raised the person who said, let's remeasure it? Who raised the alarm? I mean, why would you do that? Well, I think when... Stern alarm. When 50% of them got PVs, they probably thought, something's amiss here. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Well, I imagine they were all running on sponsor money, as people do in these events. Oh, yeah. I would love to send the email saying, can you please send me back 2p, because I've worked out that I've actually paid you too much. Oh, yeah, I would do that. No mistake. Do you know the simple thing to do here is to,

is for the people who measured it, to pay the expense of a new, what's it called, the Scottish? The Great Scottish Run. A new thing called the Less Great Scottish Run, in which they run 149.7 metres, and then they just add that onto their original time. Sounds like a good idea, Frank. The spare bit, they can run. Yeah, just do that.

Well, that would be really good if somebody was good at half marathons and sprints, because they don't do that on the set. They don't do a sprint finish on a 13-mile run. Well, we don't know what they might have done if the course had been the right one. Well, quite. They might well have had one up their singlet, so to speak. Frank, I can see Frank in one of those high-vis jackets. As a steward.

Yeah, he's very... He would have been a steward in another life. I like the idea of 10,000 people turning up for the 149.7 metre sprint. Not so great, Scottish Ron. There he goes, and OK, pop. But that would solve everything, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I think that would fix it. That would solve everything, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, I think that would fix it. I had a... Not exactly a similar... Something on the same theme happened to me many years ago. And we'll talk about that after this. Frank Skinner on the radio. Oh, I've got a little tub of taramasalata. Which I'm not going to have till the end of the show,

but honestly, my mouth is physically watering as we're discussing. Oh, mine gets like that if I say the words lime pickle. Oh. That just happened to me when you said that. It's great, isn't it? Oh, I love that, Al. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Taramasalata, what a wonderful phrase.

Taramas Salata. What a wonderful phrase. Tarama Salata. It means no worries for the rest of your days. That's how they should advertise it. Tarama Salata. Yeah. It's a problem free. I can't think of a word for dip. It's hardly a philosophy.

It's a word for dip that sounds a bit like philosophy. I wouldn't describe it as entirely problem free. It stains. It can be a bit smelly. It's a word for dip that sounds a bit like philosophy? I wouldn't describe it as entirely problem free. It stains, it can be a bit smelly. It's a problem free. Hard to spell. What about a problem free

accompaniment for a crudity? Oh, guys. Tara Maslato. Strong word. I know it should be crudity, but I find, for me,

it's often accompanies a crudity. Yeah. I mean, with that kind of work and Brexit, the bar is well high today. Oh, man. Anyway, back to the great Scottish rhyme. So what happened to me in 1986?

Oh, settle down. I know you weren't born Nathan, but keep listening. I'm imagining there's a Nathan listening. I thought there was a Nathan in here that just does the prerequisite. I was born then, so I don't know anything that happened, any time around then. I'm on my phone anyway. Anyway, we did the...

I love Nathan. Do you remember Sport Aid? Yeah, kind of. Run the World. Yes, we did a thing. It was called the Race Against against time if you remember that yes okay and um we ran in birmingham we ran from birmingham city center to alexander stadium which is where the birchfield harriers are homed if homed is a uh a verb i'm liking it it is now and um we did that race it's 10 000 and uh i remember there

was a bloke i was running a lot in those days and there was a guy all right forest a guy what funny you should say that because there was a man there whose life was indeed a box of chocolate in that as we were starting he got three Mars bars in a bag. Oh. And we were on the starting line, and he started, I mean, powering down these three Mars bars. God, I thought it was Marianne Faithfull.

And... Google it, Nathan. I said... I said, um... What are you doing? And he said, you've got to load up with calves for one of these races. So I thought, oh, no, I haven't had any confectionery this morning. What a fool I've been.

Anyway, I saw him, I'd say about, say, 5,000 or 6,000 metres into the race at the roadside, losing quite a lot of fluid. Yeah. But it was a lovely chocolatey colour. But anyway, so that was... But we didn't know back then. No, we didn't. But what happened...

Well, I'll tell you after this. Frank Skinner on the radio. What we discovered after the 10,000 metres race against time. Oh, you were friends with the Mars bars? Oh, yeah. After that, he was now a friend of mine. My man was a buffoon. The Mars bar guy.

Yeah. What was the slogan? Mars a day helps you work, rest and play. And vomit, in brackets. Yes. So, um... Apologies to any potential sponsors for Mars. Turns out it was quite a bit longer than 10,000 metres.

No. But they found that they really wanted it to be from the city centre to the Alexander Stadium. They figured no one had noticed. Oh, dear. So it was the opposite thing for us. I mean, my PB, I couldn't work out my PB. My PB wasn't on the scale. You think you were just suddenly rubbish at running?

Yeah. It's not honest. I don't know if you've ever run in one of those big public races. Funny the old PB, Frank. They're under your feet. Everyone's under your feet. 10k, that's it. I think I did a half marathon as well. Oh, They're under your feet. Everyone's under your feet. I've done a 10k. That's it. Oh no, I think I did a half marathon as well. Oh, they're under your feet.

That's how athletes talk about dating. But it was great. PB. PB? Yes. A couple of athletes, one quite high profile athlete once said that to me. He said, Joe went out with her, that was a PB. Oh. Meaning like batting above average?

Yeah, that's a PB for you. Well, let's not sit in here thinking of the other things it could be. That was a good thing. I think that's okay. Thank goodness people aren't texting in this week. Yeah. I, yeah, it was brilliant. I'll tell you who the athlete was in a minute. It was actually brilliant.

The actual, you know, the atmosphere and all that was fantastic. Because it was a completely new thing then. It wasn't like there'd been no comic relief or nothing. I don't think it existed in 86, did it? It wasn't at a time where you get three emails a week from someone who's doing some kind of sporting event, was it? Well, there was Iran the world. I think that's what it was associated with.

It was slightly... I don't think we talk about Iran anymore. No. No. It was slightly... I don't think we talk about Iran anymore. No. I remember my lasting memory apart from the Mars bath was the next day, I had my T-shirt on, I was very proud,

you got your T-shirt at the end, I wore it the next day, really pleased with myself. And a woman stopped me in Harbour in Birmingham and said, never mind helping the Africans, you want to help British people. And I remember very clearly what I said to her. Did she then put a cat in a bin?

No, what I said to her was, I mean, now I like to think I'd have had a fancier put there. I said, please stop talking to me. This is a strange response. But I remember I said, please stop talking to me. This is a strange response. But I remember I said, I tell him some friends, and I said, please stop talking to me.

They're going, what kind of thing is that? Do you know what? I respect its simplicity, and I'm going to start saying that to people. Please stop talking to me. I'm going to send that as a text out to people. Please stop talking to me. Be good with traffic wardens.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In other running news, Ron Hill. You know the clothing brand Ron Hill? I don't. But I remember Ron Hill when he was quite a big runner. See, I was entirely the other way around. I didn't realise that he was still with us or that he had been a runner.

I thought he was a clothing brand. Well, I suppose a lot of people didn't know. Well, I hadn't heard of him at all. But a lot of people didn't know Fred Perry was a tennis player. They just thought he made polo shirts. Probably thought he was a polo player. Yeah, Henri Lacoste. Well, anyway, he has...

Well, they're not that expensive. He's had his... Goodness gracious. Ron Hill has had his first day off. You know what I call him? Ron Hill. Well, I was thinking, is this not an example of nominative determinism?

Yeah. Even like when they were at school reading the register, you know they always do it the wrong way round. Hill, Ron. It's Hill run, isn't it? And he's thought, I'll have a go at that. Yeah, yeah. Here we are.

He's had his first day off of running in 52 years. 53. 53? Yeah. It's getting longer. He's still going, is he? No, it's 53. No, that's what the people who did the Great Scottish Run said.

I work for them now. In that link, in that break, I got a job with them. They called in. A spokesman for the company said something like, we do a great many races, we've never made a mistake before. It happened in isolation. Oh, well, fair enough. Yeah.

Just say, imagine them trying to get a job working with Frank Skinner. Yeah. Only happened once. It only happened once. It's not good. I mean, you know, measure the cost. Anyway. You're about to say you had one job, the guy that measured the cost. You had one job.

And you've just lost it. But Renil, as I like to call him, if he was in a sci-fi series. That is, sometimes he just does a mile. Yeah, yeah. He took part in the... He was an Olympic runner, was he? He was. He was, yeah.

It also said in the article that he ran even after a car crash where he had a broken sternum and a front in plaster. Keep it light, Al. Well, that's... You mean that he ran ill. Ran ill, run ill.

No, he's alleged. So wordplay punny today. I love it. I didn't quite understand the causes of the day off. He just didn't feel very well. Well, it's a bit dull. He must have had a bit of a, you know, things weren't feeling so good. Yeah, yeah.

But has he not had a day's illness in 52 stroke three years? Well, that's a point. Or an affair. You know, something that meant he couldn't make it. No, but that's probably, that's how he started running, in a vest and shorts. That affair. The husband came home.

The clothes all over the tree. That's a joke. I'm not suggesting for a second that Ron Hill had an affair. No. He said he's going to give his old... Hold on, I'm just Googling it. He's giving his old ticker a bit of a rest. Yeah.

He should have tried that one I had on Sunday night. It's lovely. Oh, dear. He took part in Tokyo, in Munich. Yeah. Every day since December 1964. I wonder if he ever woke up during the 64 Olympics and said... Good morning, Tokyo.

Good morning, Tokyo. Happy to be seeing you. Happy to be seeing you. I felt so strange. Ron, is that you? Stop doing the voice. I think it's all right to do the voice. It's 1964. Oh, yeah, you can do what you like. I think it's all right to do the voice. It's 1964.

Oh, yeah, you can do what you like. Not anymore, Ron. Times have changed. Oh, good old Ron. But did you see a picture of him? Uh-huh. Well, he doesn't look that great. Very blurred.

I've got to be honest. I mean, normally you look at people and think, wow. No, I know, but I would think that running every day, he's going to look like he's drunk some youth elixir. He has got a very full head of hair, though. Yeah. Good luck to him. That's a great review.

I think running does not necessarily make you look good, though. I think it can make you look very drawn. The physique is slender. The physique is to die for. I used to run a lot, and my face basically caved in. Oh, did it? Did it? Did it go a bit

collapsed mine shaft? It did. It looked like the Phantom's cave. I don't know if you know the Phantom comics. Yeah. So I don't think

you necessarily look great but you feel a million dollars. But he looks like a lovely man. Yeah. I just can't believe he's over that period. There's never been a day

where he's sort of... I think if he there's never been a day where he's thought... I think if he has, that's probably the day that he does Just a Mile, isn't it? What about when he first met his wife? I mean, we wouldn't all maybe there, but what about a nice romantic day in bed or something? Yeah, and then a run. That was his thing. Hey, hey.

No, a run. Hey. Hey. Hey. No, Ron. Hey. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think what worries me about the Ron Hill thing more than anything, and that's the sort of can't do it anymore syndrome, which you start thinking about when you've hit your 60th, but the things that you think, I can't do that anymore. It's a blow.

I've found that... Why not? Well, when I take my clothes off to shower, I used to just... Oh, please. I used to just... Please, for the love of everything decent. Just think about it.

Concentrate on the clothes. Okay. I used to just drop them... That's what I'm worried about. I used to drop them on the floor. Now I find that I put them on the sink because I thought, I'm not going all the way down there. Oh, it's practice, though.

You've got to practice your hip hinge and bending over. I do that thing. You do. What's going on in this studio? You know that kicking your pants up in the air thing? I do that quite a lot. Oh, yeah. I like that.

Am I too old to skip? No. Someone said I was too old to skip. Definitely not. You're never too old to skip. That's what they say, isn old to skip? Definitely not. You're never too old to skip, that's what they say, isn't it? Yeah.

I love a skip. That's one of the things they say. Who does say that? They. Oh, yeah. Is that a capital T? I respect Ron Hill

for doing anything every day, because the only thing that I do every day is think of stuff that I should do every day. That's something that I've definitely done.

There must be something you do every day. I mean, apart from things like eat and sleep. No. And look on the Daily Mail website. Do you keep a diary? A journal? Are you asking me if I'm a journaler? No, I don't journal.

I don't journal. Sorry. Are you a journalist if you keep a journal? I think a journaler. Maybe that's how it started. I suppose maybe. I don't have a sound off. But no, I don't.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I've started many of them over the years, but I've never, I don't complete. I just, it drifts off. Tell you what I do do at home, on the way down our stairs, there's a banister, and if I'm at home, I work away quite a bit, so I'm on the road. But if I am at home, I dangle from the banister every day a little bit. That must start, what, by a rope?

No, on my hands on the banister. It's nice. It's a nice feeling to just do a little bit of hanging around. I find that hanging by one's arms, I find that quite hard. That's why I do it, because it was reaching my heart. Does it hurt your shoulders? It used to, and now it feels nice for them. I sing every day. It's a I do it. Does it hurt your shoulders? It used to and now it

feels nice for them. I sing every day. You sing? Yeah. Well I sing every day. In the shower? No, to myself. Like if I'm in the car I'll do a whole song every day I would say. Really? Yeah. In the shower, in the car, often in the car. I can really let rip then.

I can really let rip in my car. This morning I was doing I did one of my dry showers. You know when I get wet rip then yeah i never ever my old saints i did yesterday this morning i was doing great i did one of my dry showers you know when i i get wet i get wet and then i soap up and i sang um the whole of a boy named sue by which is a spoken largely spoken which is a sort of odd thing to do in the shower if we were ever on holiday together we we could get cubicles next to each other and I could do the descant. Yeah? Can you do a descant to a spoke?

You could do a sort of musical... Frank, can I just say something? I'd like to apologise to Alan Cochran. Oh, yeah? Because a couple of shows ago, he said Bolognese and I laughed at him. Hmm. And I've checked this out with two separate Italians because I wanted to make sure.

The first Italian was at my riding school. She's called Mariella. I said, Mariella, is it Bolognese or Bolognese? She said, Bolognese. Then I asked my hairdresser, Dario, at George Northwood. I said, is it Bolognese or Bolognese? He went, Bolognese. Boom. Okay. I'm, is it Bolognese or Bolognese? He went, Bolognese. Boom.

So I'm sorry, Alan. Well, I was once in a man, with a man. That's nearly the confession I wasn't intending. I was once with a man in a Salho cafe. Just leave the show there. We're done. Bring on the feathers. Bring on the fellas, said in a fruity voice.

No, bring on the feathers would also work. Yeah, I guess so. And we were in a cafe in Soho. We both did the same statement in a different form. And he said... He gave you a radio anecdote. The waitress came over and he said, what do you fancy?

I said, I'll have a cappuccino, please. He said, the duet cappuccini now i've never known if that was correct but i burnt the bone with shame oh dear i'll tell you what one of my pies i was bought this week you know the pot remember the earlier pie anecdote i do and i love that you're doing a call back to it yeah Yeah, exactly. Your pie work. It was beef bourguignon. Oh, nice. And I think I enjoyed the exploration of the word bourguignon more than I

enjoyed the pie. You do love a little French saying in your English. Is it berf as well? You can go... Berf? I think it's berf. B-O-E-U-F. But you can go wandering about in bourguignon. And I have done, but that was in my youth. Bourgogne. I mean, listen to that

sort of mmm. There you go. Bourgogne. We are. It's like something odd's happened to my vocal cords. I feel the same about chicken chasseur. I don't know why. Is France actually underwater? No, I think that's Venice. Bourgogne.

Okay. But it was a nice pie. And now me staking. No, I think that's Venice. Okay. But it was a nice pie. And now me staking. There was some staking. I have actually thought of something that I do every day that I'm at home. Yeah, but it's a family radio show. Every day that I'm at home now.

When my wife takes the kids to school, if I don't do it, or when I get back from taking the children to school, I go up to that floor of the house and I turn their bedroom lights off and the hall light off, and I declare loudly to either my wife or to myself, I've just turned all the lights off again! Yes, that's... Every day. Yeah, what is it with... It's just ingrained in some people that they don't turn the lights off.

Hello. I mean, what about the... Hello there. What about Planet Earth, as my son calls it? Planet Earth. It makes a big point to call it Planet Earth, as my son calls it? Makes a big point of calling it Planet Earth. He's a big Duran Duran fan, I hear. But if we see like a globe or something,

oh, Planet Earth. Brilliant. You got it. He's giving it its full name. He thinks Earth is its surname. Capital P, capital E. Yeah, I love that. Do you know that book Eat, Pray, Love? I didn't really enjoy that book.

I've never read it, but I presume that's something about what you do every day. Right, maybe. Mine would be... Kind of, not really. Mine would be, my book of what I do every day would be Moisturise, Pray, Who News? Who News being the app I consult. Oh, yeah, we know. I'd say every day I do those things.

Really? Yeah. Well, we all pry every day, don't we? Yeah, if you want. Ah, good lad. Good lad. What about Shower Foundation application daily mail website? Oh.

But I'm weaning myself off that daily mail website because I remembered a piece of advice you had about that once. Yes. And you feel cleaner without looking at it piece of advice you had about that once. Yes. And you feel cleaner without looking at it. No, Rasheen Conaty, the much-loved comedian, said to me that... I said, have you given up anything for Lent? And she said, yeah, Mail Online.

Which I... You don't need it in your life. It made common sense because you can... I used to be addicted to it. You can lose an hour on there. Easy. And your soul. I don't need it in your life. It made common sense, because you can lose an hour on there. Easy. And your soul. I don't radio everyone.

In hour-long chunks. I don't know who she is. Why do I want to see her in a bikini? That was my attitude to Mail Online. Okay. So Mail Online, if they ever rename Grindr it'd be perfect so look it's been

I mean I like being live better but it's been lovely it's been lovely but you know what fantastic there is a clock you know the

Houston 5 4 all that I've got a Taramasata timer going in my head so let's

let's scamper. Bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11, on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.