The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Dystopian Novel

Episode Date: December 6, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The team are back together this week and Frank makes full use of Emily's return asking for advice on a new fashion he has invented. The team also discuss the new James Bond film asking who will sing the new Bond song and Frank also asks the readers to name their favourite dystopian novel...

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm dry, I'm melting. A bit of sci-fi early in the show. Ooh, a bit of feedback. Lovely.

Yes, so... We've got Sarah standing in this week as show assistant, and I've already instructed her. She's doing the social media. Oh, yeah. All of my photography, I need the instant filter on the iPhone. Thank you. You're not using the Vaseline on the lens anymore.

No. We've got filters now, darling. It's a bit cold in the studio this morning. I know there'll be people listening to this on waste ground. No, there won't. I imagine within about 20% to 25% of our catchment. But it is pretty cold in the studio. Yeah.

Warming up. I must say. What I really need now is a representative of the fashion industry. Oh, you there! Here's the thing. Hi, David Dimbleby. How do you think fashions come about

do you think people sit in a room and say let's create a trend or do you think they're accidental things That's a very interesting question I'm very glad you asked me it There are such things as cool hunters which you may be familiar with

and that is essentially their job to go around and spot trends cool hunters yeah yeah i'm i'm not surprised you're not familiar with them don't take that the wrong way no no of course not ouchy no but fashion just you know everything is cyclical as well so if you are if you're wearing it now it will essentially come round i'll tell you why i asked this question um because i i was in um my bedroom the other day in a shirt like a dress shirt you'd call it you know collar cuffs kind of what was on the bottom um i had um trousers on okay and it was a bit cold in there to be honest so i was looking around for something else to put on. Okay. And it was a bit cold in there, to be honest.

So I was looking around for something else to put on, and all I could see was another dress shirt. So I put that on, on top of the shirt I was already wearing. And do you know what? I thought it looked pretty good. Really? Did you? Now, is this a look that already exists,

or have I invented the two-shirt look? Two shirts? I think we can say that's pretty much exclusively yours yeah it looked um it was i mean there was a hint of uh the ant and debt look of the very very tight jacket and tight shirt um but uh i'd never seen anyone with two actual dress shirts on it looked okay oh i like the sound of it yeah and i was thinking maybe you know this could be a thing you could wear too and as the inner one got dirty yeah it could move and become the outer one then you could put a clean one at core so you always had a clean one close to your skin yeah good good for going to like a big dinner if you think there's gonna be a lot of splash back off the soup and, you know, whatever.

I suppose that is an option as well. I hadn't thought of that. It's like wearing a coat, you see. You've got the protection. Yeah, but it looked good, I thought. Do you want me to have a word with, I know people. Yeah, see if I can generate them. What I did as well was in an experiment, I also had...

Two pairs of trousers on. Well, I had a black shirt. Actually, it was charcoal grey, but it's black to all intents and purposes. Love how specific you're being about colour. By now, I was on a roll, as it were. So I put that on with button cuffs, and then I put a lighter shirt on over it with the sleeves rolled up. And I got that, you know, that sort of chimpanzee in a jacket look?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I got that. Which is a whole different... It's quite flexible, the whole two-shirts thing. Try it at home. If any of our listeners own two-shirts... Yeah.

Just try wearing one. If any of our listeners own two shirts, just try wearing one. If any of them own two shirts. Well, they are mainly on waste ground. If we've got any members of the Lucky Club that own more than one shirt. Try them both on. And you'll see. Maybe that'd be a great way of spotting people

who listen to the radio show, the two shirt thing. Yes. They could be known as the two-shirters. Yeah, something I don't like about that either. Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, and I should say a big speak out to Olivia. A big speak-out? I don't like the shout-out. I don't really shout. That's another fashion you've invented, the speak-out. Well, why do people have a shout-out? Anyone on stage shouting, you need to worry about. I think anyone who comes on and says,

You're having a good time! have nothing to say. So, yeah, she was in Dublin the other night, helped me out with my act a bit, and I just want to say thank you to her. That was kind of her. I was pointing out in Dublin that there's a certain... I knew an old Irish

guy as a mate of mine, and... When you say mate, was that the Pernod years? No, it was... It could have been. They just slotted in neatly into that era. And I was thinking about this. There's a certain type of older Irish man who, when he starts speaking, it sounds like a door opening. And I tried this in Dublin, and people seemed to agree.

So it must have, you know, it was authenticated by people who were at the source, as it were. Most of them were at the source for most of the night. But you know what? So when he spoke, he went... HE MUMBLES Yeah, so, um... What's the other one I did the other day, by the way? Yeah.

Oh, God, that's me spine. Why is that? Yeah, it's my... Did I tell you I've had a Gloria Estefan fitted? Oh, it's stainless steel. Nice obscure 80s reference there. I like it. Yeah, it's my... Did I tell you I've had a Gloria Estefan fitted? Oh, it's stainless steel. It's all right in the winter. Nice obscure 80s reference there. I like it.

Yeah, Google it. I didn't get it. She was... She's got an aluminium spine. I thought it was a plane crash. No, no, it was coach. Anyway. She was going to cover it.

She's fine, anyway, if anyone's worried. We've got a hotline number, I think, for anyone who's... Uh-huh. Well, it's a cold line. No, she hurt herself badly. She did, but she's fine. She's bounced back. Okay.

Anyway. Yeah, so I did an interview for Magic FM. Magic FM. How did that go? Well, obviously, because they're owned by the same company as this, it went brilliantly. But the lady on it... Was it the breakfast show? Well, it went brilliantly. But the lady... Was it the breakfast show?

Well, it was a lady who does their showbiz interviews. OK. It was very nice. But how can I say this in a nice way? She's a bit of a chancer, is what I thought. Well, that's a very nice way. Well, this is where it went. She did a very nice interview, and then she said,

Would you introduce your favourite Christmas song? And I said, OK. So I said, well, here's my favourite Christmas song, blah, blah, blah. You didn't choose Blood, Wind, Pig, did you? No. I actually went very, very route one and went Paul McCartney's Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time. Lovely.

Mainly because I saw him do it live once, and live, it was actually brilliant, he gave it some who'd have thought that he rocked it up I've often thought he should do that with a frog chorus if he did a real heavy metal frog chorus on stage he could rewrite that and then she said

that's fantastic, before you go would you play our game, there's a game we do on the show called Word Up I name a word and you have to try and say what it is. And I said, OK, I will have to go in a minute. She said, no, no, do you want to do that? So the word was something like lollygogging, and I had to guess what it meant.

I said, OK, that's fine. And then she said, would you do your favourite cracker joke as well? Well, I've got you. And I said, OK, but I will have to. So anyway, I did my favourite cracker joke, and I've got you, and I said okay, but I will have to so anyway, I did my favourite cracker joke, and then she went away and then she came back into the studio and she said, honestly

this is serious, she said you wouldn't put a penguin suit on would you? laughter Skinner, Dean and Cochran, together The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some missives in relating to your hair, actually.

Mine hair? Farewell, my lieber hair. Come on, everybody. Everybody at home. You've had a small affair and now it's over. We had a fine affair. Yes, well, I'm helping them out. We didn't actually have a fine affair. I hasten to add.

No, I thought it was a bit of a storm and a teak. Graham has tweeted us. He says, I very much like how Frank wears a side parting for Sky Arts Portrait Artist of the Year, but for no other gig. Yeah, it's a sort of a Phil Oakey thing I'm doing. Now, I can explain that.

It's only actually one episode of Sky Arts Portrait Artist of the Year. Oh, is it? What happened is, while I was filming Doctor Who, I did that. And for Doctor Who, because we were supposed to be on the Orient Express in a sort of a deliberately retro thing. Then I had to have a... Oh, that lovely train which I loved until they ruined it with monsters. Yeah, well, I had to have a part in, like you might have in the 1920s.

But as I wore a cap for virtue of the whole thing, in the end it was all... But I think my hair looks as bad on that episode of Portrait Show as it's ever looked. Do you? Yeah, it's sort of... I tell you what, it looks ribbed. You know how John Calshaw's hair looks like a herringbone jacket? What's going on with his hair? I think it is herringbone. I think that's what he opted for in the end.

I think it's weaved. OK, here's the question. If you had to have this... I don't mean weaved as in... No, girlfriend's got to weave. No, no, I mean it looks like it's weaved. Okay, here's the question. If you had to have this... I don't mean weaved as in... No, girlfriend's got to weave. No, no, I mean it looks like it's been made by Scottish women in a cottage. Here's the choice. Simon Cowell's hair or John Coleshaw's hair?

Which way are you going? I'd definitely Coleshaw's hair. I would be happy with Simon Cowell's. I just... That is someone saying I'm so rich I can do what I like. It's quite sort of straight action man type hair, isn't it? Frank calls it black shredded wheat.

Yeah, it's not good. Actually, speaking... I mentioned the phrase there, storming a teacup, which reminded me of something. I went to a Christmas fair recently, obviously recently, and it was really raining very very heavily

and but I was with Kath and Boz Boz is our two and a half year old and Kath said you've got to take him on a ride now we're here, so they had those things with the big, you know the big teacups

that you sit on, so we went on one of those and we were the only people on it because it was the weather was so bad and i never used the storm in a teacup joke you never i mean i woke up in the middle of the night thinking oh my god what what's happened to me but we were on it so just me and him sitting there both sort of frozen and wet and you know know the guy, what they did, they sort of pushed the handle of the cup and make it spin a bit. He said, shall I, you know, give you a few spins? I said, well, I don't know, I don't know if you'll like it much. So he gave it just a couple

of gentle spins, and I started to feel real motion sickness. I mean, in the cup and saucer. What's it going to be like when I'm at Alton Towers with him when he's 14? I'm just going, I'll just die, I will die on the corkscrew don't go in the ghost train and I said to the bloke, I actually said to the bloke

I think that's enough for him actually, and by now my head was swimming he looked fine I mean, could you imagine if I'd been sick in the teacup I suspect you were still reeling over missing the storm in the teacup joke he was actually reeling from that. Yeah.

No, well, I didn't know that at that stage, but it was... What are you going to do when you've got to go on the Incredible Hulk ride at Universal Studios? I just can't do that. I've never been able to do those rides. It's not an age thing. I hated them when I was a teenager. Well, they didn't exist, obviously, when I was a teenager. I don't like it.

We just used to get a go in somebody's Spitfire. But, no, I don't know what to do. Maybe someone can suggest some sort of... Just don't do them. They're very common rides. Medication. They are. Come on. OK, thanks for that. Goodbye, everyone.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was taken out for my Christmas lunch by my manager. Oh, lovely. Lovely. What did you have?

What did I have? Yeah. I had... Did he take you somewhere nice? He did. It wasn't a Christmas lunch per se. Oh, no, no, it wasn't a Christmas... Don't call me per se. That's my stage name.

But I as we I tell you what, I always get on well with the cloakroom lady at these posh restaurants. Oh yeah. They always seem like they're from the real world. They're like the last

little trace of the real world before you get into the inner sanctum where everyone is, you know. They've seen it all as well. Everyone is hoity-toity, yeah. So, and also, you know, you trust them. You have to give a lot, it's a lot of trust to give someone a garment. Someone you've never met before. Yeah.

And then, so I associate them with trust and I associate them with warmth when you're leaving. They put a nice coat on you okay it's yours if you leave a tip do you leave it oh i always leave a tip yes me too um anyway so i was um leaving the restaurant so i was i was i was gathering my cloak as it were and then And then I saw a lovely lady coming in. A very lovely lady. And, um... I'm not sure I like where this is going. You should see the look on Alan's face right now.

And I thought to myself, that's Naomi Campbell, isn't it? Shut up! Yes, it was. It was Naomi Campbell. Do you know she had two shirts on? She didn't leave. That's how quick it's caught on. It's already over.

Yeah, it's already so over. It was over when you played the last song. That's when I was umpiring in L.A., I used to say that. Go on, so tell me about Naomi. So, Naomi appeared, and she's... I mean, she's a bit of a bobby dazzler. She's quite something in the flesh, isn't she? She is, yes.

I've had the pleasure. So, I haven't. I had one strange incident with her at the Brits some years ago. But anyway, she walked in and with some bloke who I didn't recognise turned out to be Paul Coyer, the former

TV... No, it wasn't him. And she walked in and the wardrobe lady went, oh, hello. She's just completely... You mean coach her. You've worked in TV so long you call everyone the wardrobe lady. Well, yeah, the cloakroom lady. She's a really bright and...

Hello. She's so... Oh, it was horrible. I couldn't... It was like watching a car accident. I really went, oh. And I looked at this girl, and she looked back at me and gave me this little plaintive smile.

I could have hugged her, but not in the current climate, of course. You can't risk that now. But it was... What did you mean for that? Excuse me. Excuse me. Maybe you didn't hear... No, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe she's deaf. But I don't think so. Well, when I met her at Djokovic's dinner, she was lovely. Well, look, you're in fashion. You've got to say she's lovely. I'm saying to this. If you imagine a seesaw, and on one side of it is beauty, and she certainly has that.

She does. On the other side of it is politeness. I just want the politeness to be at least the same way, if not a little bit heavier. That'd be good. And if you're listening, Naomi, come on, go back there and say sorry. I mean it. Messy Samson, who does this guy think he is?

Yeah, me, me, me, me, me. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday fromner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I did have.

I was at... I had a course to fly this week. And I was at an airport and I got... Bethel Bird and Sky? I got, yes, I got one of my problem people. Do you know the queue malingerer? Oh, yeah. The people who are in a queue and they

don't, they're not focused. One of the rare things about a queue, it's one of the few occasions you are with strangers and you're all of a real common purpose, all focused, you're all going forward, you know what you want. And you get those people who are like looking backwards, the queue has moved, like there's a gap formed because the queue's moved, they haven't moved with you, and they're in front of you. And you're thinking, oh, I really want to be with the queue, I don't want to be held back by someone who isn't committed. I had one of those.

It's the most... Oh. Do you mind queuing, though, Frank? I like queuing. Oh, right. That's where you and I differ. No, I like the fact that I feel like one of those occasions you feel like you're all on the same hymn sheet. And then you get the person

who's neither hither nor thither in the queue. And I'll tell you something else, because I had a bit of airport time, I've now decided that every time I'm at an airport now, I'm going to read a book. Len Dayton? Any book. OK.

I just, so many people, I know this sounds like a gripe from about eight years ago, but so many people were on their mobile phones. I was really proud of the fact that I had a paperback book. You had an actual book? Yes. Oh, excellent. I really thought, can we just spread this a bit more?

Yeah. I would be more sympathetic and I feel empathetic towards somebody reading Mein Kampf at an airport than someone reading their iPhone. I just think, oh, no. What book was it, though? It wasn't your autobiography. How embarrassing. No, it wasn't my autobiography. It was Fifty Shades of Grey.

It's my hairdresser's autobiography. No, it was... Well, it's a thing called N. Gin Summer. You'd hate it, Emily. It's a sort of a... Why? It's a dystopian novel. Oh, I love a dystopia.

Oh, do you? Au contraire. I love a dystopia, me. Oh, I didn't realise that. Do you like a dystopian novel? Text in 8, 12, 15. What's your favourite? Come on, favourite dystopian novels.

Kick it out. This will be my favourite. Text it if this takes off. All right, we'll get some. We've got a lot of readers here. I'm going to go Memoirs of a Survivor, Doris Lessing. Never read that. No.

I was in it, actually, so... Oh. Yeah. But Morris Lessing, that's what I always say. Very good. Yeah, thanks very much. This is by a bloke called John Crowley I'd really really really really recommend it, it's a life changer even though you haven't got to the end

I'll tell you what, it's a dystopian novel Frank Dear the Triffids to a degree on you, weren't you to you might be coming up in it yeah, it's on BBC4, actually, at the moment, if you'd like to catch Emily Dean.

How exciting. I'm in it next week. I don't know what day of the week it is. No, I know that. FYI, I'm not very good. I won't lie. You're a child. I know, but you've got to keep up standards.

And I'm afraid I'm not very good. I was trying out a West Country accent, and then halfway through I just give up. You can't do that. You've got to be consistent with accents. I've known people from the West Country who've done that. Don't feel bad about it. You know, Joe Haley Hosman. Who's that bloke? What's he called?

Oh, Sixth Sense. Haley something, Haley Mills Hosman Donnie. Yeah. You know, I see dead people. Yeah. I see dead people, I just don't see him anymore. In a rather extraordinary turn of events, your What's Your Favourite Dystopian Novel texting has taken off.

And I told you, that's the kind of people we've got out there. I love our readers, they're so smart. Alan, have you got any? There's a text from 279. Ironically, it's from Emily, London. Lovely. Charming girl. She sounds nice, doesn't she? I'm doing my A2 English Lit coursework on dystopian literature.

A clockwork orange, 1984, and a handmaid's tale. Banging novels, she says. The text then goes from Radio 4 back to commercial radio, doesn't it? Banging! Yeah, it's a big readout for those novels. I haven't tried The Handmaid's Tale, but maybe I will on the strength of that text. It's a big read-out for those novels. I haven't tried The Handmaid's Tale, but maybe I will on the strength of that text. It's excellent.

Does 1984 count? Oh, God, does it ever? Does it ever? Not my words, but the words of one of our readers, M.K. Knight. M.K. Knight? Yeah. Didn't he play for England in the one day as in 1983? Can I just say how thrilled I am this has taken off?

Yeah. Jane in Shropshire says my... Oh, we've already done that one, haven't we? Oh, have we? My current favourite dystopian novel is Angel Maker. It's extraordinary. Angel Maker? I don't know that one.

Me neither. Alan Cocker and me neither. I don't know. I don't. Me neither. It wouldn't be a bad T-shirt slogan. That's his tour name. Oh, is it?

Yeah. Oh, my God, that was embarrassing. Oh, sorry. Talk about embarrassing. No, I'm embarrassed. That's his tour name. Hold on, I'm doing the double hand wave that women do. It's called... Phew.

It's called Alan Cochran, colon, me neither. Look, I knew that. I just deliberately embarrassed myself. It's so cold in here. I just wanted to get some heat from somewhere. Now I'm able to warm my hands on my own face. We're all getting warmth off that.

We've had a lovely sighting of you in 2003. Okay. Yeah. These texts took a while to come through. It's to do with your resemblance to Graham Norton. Oh, okay. In 1983. And this child, well, they were 14 at the time.

I'd like to know when the first time Frank was mistaken for Graham Norton. I remember going to watch Paul McCartney in Liverpool in 2003. Oh, yes, Albert Dock. I was at that gig. I'm not familiar with him. And Frank was wearing a ghastly shirt and... Well, I'll explain. Can we come back to this story, actually, after the news? Shall we park it at ghastly shirt? Yes, let's park it at ghastly shirt i was

only wearing one at the time things would be different now of course but yes i have a i have an explanation the frank skinner show listen live every saturday morning from eight on absolute radio we were mid mid topicic, I think. But before we do that, I should point out that this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochrane. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm going to cough, so can you make me conceal it?

OK, cough. Don't do it into the mic. Yeah, we can carry on talking after doing that. Oh, that's hot. At the top of the hill, we should just say we have got a text in running. You sound a long way away. On 8-12-15. That's better. We have got a text in running which is, what's your

favourite dystopian novel? Yes. And we're getting some goodies in. We're getting some goodies, yes. I'm making a note of all the ones I haven't read. That's the kind of character I am. I love a bit of HG Wells, Frank, as well. We've had an update from Jane in Shropshire who's texted dystopian Jane in Shropshire again, which I think is a great handle.

Dystopian Jane in Shropshire. It's like offended of Tunbridge Wells or something, isn't it? Dystopian Jane. My husband is saying, don't waste your time with The Handmaid's Tale. He'll never get back the time he spent reading it on my recommendation. I still believe it's a classic.

Oh, a bit of a domestic dispute on The Handmaid's Tale. I'd love it if they got divorced over a dystopian novel. I would love it if they got divorced. People have got divorced over lesser things than that, I would have thought. 879, I think this will be up your straws, Frank. Morning, Frank, Emily and Co. I'm assuming that's me.

Yeah, Co. Oh, it's a shame. No, Sebastian Co. stood in for you last week. Oh, did he? Oh, he's still going on about the Olympics. Oh, very good one. I said, all right, you did well, but, you know, what's next, I said. Morning, Frank, Emily and Co.

On dystopian novels, can we include Russian ones? My favourite is Zamyatin's We. Zamyatin's We? Oh, no, no, they've gone rude, haven't they? No. Zamyatin's We. That's not We. W-E, just a single E.

Not like one of those game We's. No, I don't know that one. Yeah, but I assume... How do you spell it in Zamyatin? No, it's all right. I'll ask you after. I think we're already losing people in their droves. But you know what? We're keeping good people. You know what I'm talking about?

Well, I think we should move swiftly on to a slightly more people-pleasing anecdote. Okay, but there'll be more dystopian tips as the show progresses. Don't get me wrong. I love a dystopian novel. I want us to define what we think a dystopian novel is. Well, I think of it as the opposite side of the kind to the utopian novel. So it's where a world's gone wrong.

Like The Road. That's how I'd describe it. The Road by... Cormac McCarthy. That's a dark and frightening, terrifying, upsetting thing. Brilliant. This morning on Absolute Radio... That'll be the trailer.

We're discussing Colbert McCarthy. That'll be the trailer. And they'll twist it on me and they'll say, like, Chris Diocano's breakfast show. That's a dark and terrible... And people will think I actually said that wrong. Sorry, yes, I think we're still in Albert Dock. Yes, so we're in Albert Dock.

You have, there's a 14-year-old listener there, slash reader. You are there. I'm wearing a terrible shirt, she said. You're wearing a ghastly shirt. I got a little stick on the night. It was one of these nights where you could text the stage and your text would appear on the massive screen.

Oh, don't say you did that. No, I didn't do that. I don't think I had a mobile at the time. That seems amazing to me that that happened in 2003. I would have thought that was a much more modern thing. They were quite expensive then, Alan. Well, there you say. Wow.

And there was lots of stuff about what a terrible shirt I was wearing. I was actually wearing a shirt with the Beatles on it. Oh, nice. Which I thought was a very, obviously, a very apt thing. What, to a Paul McCartney gig? Yeah. Oh, I'm not sure about that. Well, I couldn't get a Wings bass shirt.

No, but don't bring up the past. Let it go. Yeah, well, of course, he didn't bring up the past at all. All new stuff. Let it be. He went off stage and the audience started singing Macca's Coming Home. Did they? I remember. And I stood up and I sort of addressed the crowd because I was on a race,

slightly race. You addressed the crowd? And I said, yeah, this is a proper song, McCartney. Follow that. And he came out and did Hey Jude. Sounds terribly arrogant, Frank. Yeah, well, you know, I had a lot more swagger in those days. I've been broken down.

I am a dystopian entertainer. And right on cue. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I think it's been four links we've been on this one email. Well, that's ridiculous. Is this one about your visit to the Paul McCartney? We're still at the Albert Dock. We're still... Thanks at the Paul McCartney gig.

Evenings and mornings. Actually, we've had an email in saying McCartney gig. It was King's Dock, not Albert Dock. Hashtag pedantic, but accurate. OK. I would have sworn it was Albert Duck. Okay. Can you look again?

What about when you said that earlier this morning? Yeah, and who was right? You were right. Frank. Carry on. He was looking for a CD. Frank still likes CDs. I like a CD because when you're bored with them, they make a nice coaster.

Yeah. Can you do that with an MP3? No. Charlie, who's producing the show, came over and said, I don't think that CD's there. And Frank said, what did you say, Frank? Well, I don't know why you bring this up. I said, might it be a case of you not looking thoroughly enough?

Oh. And Emily said, oh, it better be there now, but you betcha it was! But Charlie fessed up, and I love her for that. She did that thing they do in basketball, and you just hold your hand up and say, yes, it was a foul. She did. I'd never have done that. No, I know that. Now, listen, so

we're in Liverpool, we're at the Paul McCartney gig, you've got a terrible shirt on, you have rather mortifyingly, it emerges, taken to the stage and said Mac has had it all or something. Well, I wasn't McCartney gig, you've got a terrible shirt on. You have rather mortifyingly, it emerges, taken to the stage and said, Mac has had it all or something. Well, I wasn't on the stage. I was on the raked seating.

You've addressed the people. I'll tell you what happened that was beautiful that night. And what does this say about the people of Liverpool? I didn't realise it was... Me or Kath didn't realise it was an outdoor gig until we got there. So I just had this short-sleeved Beatles shirt on. I think she had spaghetti straps,

if I remember rightly. And it got cold. And a couple of Scousers further down, right down the other bottom, 20 rows away, they passed us a couple of fleeces, a couple of spare fleeces for us to put on.

We put them on and then passed them back down after. That's so nice. Excellent. This was during the war, you see, when... I know it wasn't. I like that that's your, yeah, that's your Pipes of Peace moment. It was, yeah. Anyway.

Fleeces of Peace. Pipes of Fleece. Frank, I've got to finish this email. Sorry, sorry. It's taken the whole show. You're right. So, you're wearing a ghastly shirt, sat to the left of the stage. Hmm.

Well, except when you're getting up on the stage trying to steal Paul McCartney's thunder. Frank, this gets worse, stood up and danced before Sir Paul came on. I mean, before he came on, can you believe it? Frank, it's awful. And mainly was just enjoying himself. Yes, I was.

That's volume four of your autobiography series. Yeah, well, it's been a, yeah, the enjoying myself years. I was with enjoying himself. Yes, I was. That's volume four of your autobiography series. Yeah, well, it's been the enjoying myself years. I was with my mum. What happened to those? And her friends, me being only 14 at the time. I shouted out, look, mum, is that Graham Norton? And a fair few people around us also turned to have a look at the chat show host.

Yes. I mean, this was 1983 when, you know, they were less... 2003. When was it? 2003. Yeah, but that all merges into one. But even so, there were less liberal times. To be identified as Graham Norton

in a working-class city, I could have been ripped to pieces. Especially in a fleece. I hope I didn't start this look-alike. Sorry if I have. I was only 14 at the time. Insert praise here. Yes.

There you go. Maybe you did start the whole Graham Norton thing. I suspect it was God when he gave me this face. That's 811, Frank. Lovely to hear from you, 811. Still think it was Albert Duck. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

You can't say to people that work on the show, is that a spot on your nose or pen? Why? It's just rude. You just said it to Sarah. I think people need to be told. It turned out well because it was pen. Yeah, but I'd want someone to tell me.

She ran out of the studio. When I worked in a factory... And then you said you're just disappearing with that. I buy your leave. When I worked in a factory... And then you said you take... You're just disappearing with that. I buy your leave. When I worked in a factory when I was a young man, this guy said to me, can you take this blueprint up to Dave in the dye shop? And he never asked me to do anything like that.

So I went up. I had to go through the offices and stuff. And I got up and Dave said, what's this for? I said, why is it this? And I said, of course we didn't have phones. So I went back and I said, Dave, he was really laughing. He said, sorry, he said, you've got a big bogey on your nose. I just wanted everybody to see.

So it's the opposite of that. Anyway, let's do a couple of dystopians and then we'll get on. Dystopians. Well, actually, first we've got some Any Other Business. Before we move on to the dystopians. I've had further contact about the McCartney gig. To watch a gig

in Albert Dock, you would be beneath 50 feet of water, hence the acoustics would be terrible. Yeah, didn't I mention that? It was great. When he did Octopus's Garden,

we all wept. Oh, and the frog chorus went great. Oh, yeah, well, we had to go up. We just went up to lily pad level. I like requesting

that on the elevator. Okay, so 694 Frank says, Morning, guys. Can I just say I like the fusion of guys with the dystopian novel. Yes. Morning, guys. I really like Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Ah, Dick. By?

Yes. Philip K. Dick. Which became Blade Runner, because Blade Runner is based on it. Yeah. Yeah, very fine. Hi, Frank and friends. Have you read Flowers for Algernon? Disturbing and brilliant. It has a place in my favourite section of my book cabinet. I think I have read that. I'll tell you what I like. Canticle for Leibovitz.

Recommend that. Anyway, we'd better move on. We're just about to switch off. Just about to switch off. Let's talk about James Bond. Oh, no. Leave it. Leave it, Karen. We'll never listen to this bit. So Black Country. I love it. That's my new show, That's So Black Country. Oh, I'd like to watch that. Oh, would you?

I star in it. Oh, yeah, the James Bond film. Now, can I say the auspices are looking good? Because it's the one who... Can you say that? It's the one who did... Were they in the background on the photo? Yeah, I wonder where that steam was coming from.

It's the one who did the Skyfall one, which I really liked. Oh, Sam Mendes, yes. The middle-class one, yeah, I love that. The middle-class one. He was married to lovely Kate, of course. He was, yeah. Loads of working class film directors doing Bond films in the middle class.

I can't forgive him for breaking Kate's heart. Well, he said, Sam Mendes, he said it would have a little bit more mischief. What, his next relationship? No, the film. And I, you know what I mean? What does he mean by that? I just hope it's not euphemism for sexy times. I hate sex in films, don next relationship? No, the film. And I, you know what I mean? What does he mean by that? I just hope it's not euphemism for sexy times.

I hate sex in films, don't you? James Bond has never been short of that kind of... But you're right, I don't like that in films at all. Kissing I hate in films. Oh, I hate kissing in films. I hate kissing in films. The noises, Frank. Makes me...

Honestly, I've sat watching kissing in a big cinema with people, with me suddenly going do you know what i hate frank when they do the sexy scenes and there's so many legs and backs and i don't like the sheet over the ladies no um no and the sheet over the gentleman's excuse me no no it's all it's all stopped there of course you guys are such prudes i love this scene It's all stopped there, of course. You guys are such prudes. I love this scene. Do you? I hate those scenes. Have they ever added anything to her?

No. You don't show people on the toilet. Don't show them doing that. No. Okay, there goes that script. I've just come up with... Oh, dear, what a letter. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

We're talking about James Bond this morning on Absolute Radio but can I just say, John, who says Brave New World the giant on whose shoulders 1984 is written yes, I agree with you That is very fine So, Skyfall That's been and gone It's not called Skyfall this time

Are they changing the's it called now? They're changing the names on them now. It would have been an interesting development. Why don't they just call it James Bond 22 or whatever it is? They just did that, it'd be brilliant. Now that's why I call James Bond, that's what they should call it. Much better. Exactly, number 20, whatever it is.

What is it called, Al? Spectre. Phil Spectre. I mean, I don't want to be a spectre at this bit. Orc words, a bit orcs. Yeah. That would be terrible.

That would be a terrible typo, wouldn't it? If it put on Spectre. Yeah, license to kill. Aww. I like Frank's revelation that he won't be in it. No, he won't. I don't know that for a fact. Okay.

Spoilers. No. Um. What's the song? Who'll get the song, do you think song do you think who's current oh yeah that's a great guess who's lined up for the song well can i be honest not one direct you're thinking no but robin williams might have a shot at it now listen rita aura rita aura we should at least call her. What about Beyonce? How would ours go, Frank? Leonard Cohen.

Leonard Cohen's in the running, isn't he? It would be something like, I'm Inspector. No, no, no. I'm not an inspector. I'm Inspector. And when she arrives I'll inspector I may not

That could just be Conjecture That's my favourite song Yeah, then it has to go Oh, I know how it has to go They all have that Or maybe, no, you know what they'll do You know what they'll do?

You know what they'll do, Frank? It's this whole Lily Allen, Kate Nash. It's the girl with the wispy voice John Lewis had. It's that, isn't it? Lily Allen would be a good call. Feet someone. It'll be someone feet someone, won't it? Maybe. Yeah, maybe it'll be someone feet.

Calvin Harris feet Lily Allen or something like that. I've heard that. She just said, get off, we'll meet another time. I've heard that in the that. I've heard that. She just said, get off and move to another table. I've heard that in three. I have too. Anyway. Can I tell you, it's a bit of a big, I was offered Blofeld. Oh, yeah.

By who? But, you know, it's a cat allergy. Can't do it. Don't say things like that on a breakfast show. Well, they're being very secretive about it, aren't they? Yeah. Incredibly secretive, which always, I must admit, does get me a bit.

They have a press conference and they say things like, so what, is your character Inspector? No, not allowed to say that, can't tell you. Well, is he a good guy? I never said he was a bad guy. It's all like that. Yeah. I feel like if I was in the press court and they'd say,

look, you brought it up the film do you know what I mean? you brought it up and now when we ask you about it you don't want to talk about it, well why bring it up? I had stuff to do today why not just keep it to yourselves if you don't want to talk about it got a Christmas tree to put up

you can't call people in one place to say you don't want to talk about it make it any sense at all you know we're doing this new really what's it like? you don't want to talk about it. Exactly. Doesn't make any sense at all. You know, we're doing this new, really, what's it like? Well, I don't mind your own business. Rubbish. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together the Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. We've had some lovely little ideas for who could sing the next Bond theme. Oh, OK. Stu has suggested Tinchy Strider featuring Feet Michael Burke. Oh, that'd be good. Ah, cashing. Someone else has suggested Sam Smith, Feet,

Emily on backing vocals. Oh. Can I fess up now? Sam Smith doing it. And this is no disrespect to Sam Smith, but I don't know who that is. How embarrassing. He has got a very everyday name, to be fair to him. I've already established his gender with the next thing that was said.

He's, yeah, he's big on the hit parade. Is he? Oh, I'm sorry, everyone. I feel I've let you down. Rico has suggested Harry Belafonte. Ah. Which is a great idea. Yeah, I'd be happy with that. Long time ago in Bethlehem, for the holy Bible see. Carl has suggested...

And I need the mango tree. No, no, no. Is this all right? No, no, it's not. Okay, sorry, everyone. Okay, that didn't happen. Thank God it's not live. Never happened.

Eh? And let's move on to Carl, who suggested Emily Sandé would be my guess, which is a good suggestion. She, I would say, is very much Bond tune material. Oh, yeah. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. Bond himself, old Daniel Craig, he caused a little bit of a brouhaha, didn't he?

Did he? Apparently, according to some, he got the dress code wrong. I couldn't see what was wrong. Oh, yes. I have a lot to say about this. Unsurprisingly. My theory. In case you didn't see, he wore a shirt and tie.

No, he didn't have a tie. I think he did have a tie. No. I thought he had a tie. He did have a tie. All the papers were saying he didn't have a tie. You know nothing. Well, what was there?

What was that dark thing under his white shirt collar? It doesn't matter. Well, it's not up to us to investigate. It doesn't matter. Do, what was there? What was that dark thing under his white shirt collar? It doesn't matter. Well, it's not up to us to investigate. It doesn't matter. Do you think? It's a Higgs boson. Higgs bow tie.

You can't go up to men and say, what's that dark thing under you? It's rude. No, I honestly think he did wear a tie. Anyway, he wore a round necked jumper, didn't he, with the shirt? A crew neck, I think you'll find it's called. We'll call it a crew neck. Oh, we will, because that's what it's called.

Some people... I like to think it's because his cleaner didn't turn up this week and let him down. Yeah, regular readers will be aware that... Frank, what was the story about the cleaner? Well, she used to claim for Rachel Weisz, and when Rachel Weisz fell in love and moved in with Daniel Craig, she decided that it would be a lot harder to keep the house tidy. He must be an absolute slovenly character around the house.

So she gave my cleaner extra hours, which she took from me. So she said, I'm going to have to leave you. I'm going to work for Daniel and Rachel. So he took my cleaner. We're not allowed to name the cleaner, obviously. Where was she from? Where are you? She was from Eastern Europe. Okay. And I'm just trying to imagine the conversation they would

have had, because maybe it's her fault that he's turned up in these clothes. Well, that's what I'm saying. Maybe she's had a week off impromptu. Maybe she's put the suit on. Where is she this week? I'm going to have to wear that stupid round neck jumper. Well, she could have put the suit. I put the blue Prada suit in the washing machine. Hang on, are you allowed to do that?

Yes, I am. Why are you allowed to do that? And I can't be underneath the mango tree. I don't make the rules. Anyway, everyone was wrong that was criticising his outfit. Oh, well, no, I'll do it. I'll have to play some music next. If you're going to make a big fashion statement,

I think we need a break. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are running two separate texts in to appeal to the masses today, aren't we? Yeah. We've got, what's your favourite dystopian novel? Yeah.

And we've got, who should Favourite Dystopian Novel? and we've got Who Should Be Singing the Next James Bond Song. And it's confusing sometimes. So we've really thrown it out there. We're catering, you know, high and low, Brown, I think. Yeah. How about Ray Parker Jr. for the Bond Song? Spectre can be his follow-up to Ghostbusters

from Wayne in Hale and Tully. See, I thought someone was suggesting him for Dystopian Novel. This is what's confusing. Please clarify which of the text is contributing to... I was once in a club where they played Ghostbusters. I'd never heard it on a big sound system. That must have been a good club. I'll tell you something...

Playing Ghostbusters in a club? Yeah, but that's the kind of clubs I go to. Was it Flares in Birmingham? But it was brilliant. No. When they blasted it, it'd be too modern for a Flares. Isn't there a club called Flares in Birmingham? There is.

Well, there was. Crankstar is right by Flares. Oh, excellent. Anyway, when it's cranked up loud, Ghostbusters, it sounds absolutely brilliant. I mean it. And when they brought it up with Axel F, what did you think of that? Were you enjoying that? Layered Ghostbusters, it sounds absolutely brilliant. And we're embarrassing! What did you think of that?

Were you enjoying that? I don't know what that means. It's by Sam Smith. Axel F by Sam Smith. You know what I can't get out of my head, Al? It's the idea of Frank in Flair's nightclub and Ghostbusters comes on and he goes, crank this up! You get the

brass... It hits you in the stomach and then a little Ghostbusters comes on and he goes, crank this up. You get the brass. They hit you in the stomach and then a little lower, a little deeper in the abdomen. Brilliant. Did you run onto the dance floor? Did you? Run onto it? I ran onto it like spilt wine. Did I tell you when I cried at Ghostbusters?

The film or the song? The song. I was in the car. Might have been a heavy weekend. And it was a long time ago. And the car was upside down and on fire. No, but it's a really tragic bit in it, where he says, I ain't afraid of no ghost. And then there's a musical bit,

which I'm sure you're familiar with. And then he says, I hear he likes the girls. And I found that really depressing. Because I don't think the ghost would have a chance with the girls. No, exactly. I don't know, Patrick Swayze, he did all right. He moved that... That's true.

He moved that... Now, is Dave Hill... Would you say Dave Hill is favourite dystopian novel? Or maybe... Dave Hill. Dave Hill from Slade? No, that'll be Bond theme. OK.

555 has texted, Mr Happy, Roger Hargreaves makes me very depressed. I think that's a suggestion for dystopia. Yeah, I think it is. I don't think Mr Happy's going to get the Bond theme. Oh, talking of Bond, so I was telling you... Oh, yes. Telling you why everyone was wrong.

Everyone was wrong about Daniel Craig. OK. People were saying, oh, I believe someone tweeted, oh, drunk supply teacher, was what somebody said. And they said it looked a bit Christmas jumper. They were very rude. I thought that was... Look, there's so much product placement in the Bond films.

I'm reckoning he got a backhander from River Island. Can I tell you what it actually was? You could do, but we have to go to the news now. I love this. It's the one thing I love, it's fashion suspense. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yeah, we've got two text ins running at the moment, haven't we? Yes. What's your favourite dystopian novel? And who should be doing the song? Someone suggested Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Linda has suggested for dystopian.

I quite like that. I've never read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh, it's good. I've never seen the film. I've never seen the musical. Really? Well, it's good. I've never seen the film. I've never seen the musical. Really? Well, there's a whole world out there for you to enjoy. There is, yeah.

It's a dystopian. Yeah, so what's your favourite? I'll tell you what, if you work in the fashion industry, anything set in a chocolate factory is a dystopian. Yeah, exactly. What I'm hoping is that people sending in their favourites for me and people will think, oh, am I getting that Christmas coming up? Yeah.

And there's going to be bookshops. I've been writing them down. Yeah. There'll be bookshops across England where people say, I don't know, we've had a real rush on the dystopian novel. I've suggested Utopia by Thomas More to Alan already this morning. But that surely cannot be a dystopian novel because it's a utopian novel. No, exactly.

No, but it's good to get that reading in. Let's not lose any more listeners. No, exactly. We're also calling this dystopian novel phone-in. The subtitle is, Why This Show Doesn't Have A Sponsor. Well, we could have had one. I'm going to talk...

We could have. I'm going to talk about Daniel Craig. Crew neck sweater. Because Frank has been trailing this for a while. Yes. People said grandad shirt. It wasn't a grandad shirt either. People criticised him.

It was a certain time, my opinion. Carry on. People criticised him. They said he looks a bit square. They said drunk supply teacher I mentioned earlier he was compared to. Didn't like that. What these people don't understand is that Daniel Craig was the most fashionable one of the bunch up there on that stage. Can I tell you why?

Because he was embracing something called normcore, which is a fashion trend. What's it called? Normcore. Normcore, like hardcore, but normal. It's called normcore. Oh, okay. And what it's about, you know people, for example, what it's about is anti-statement, anti-fashion. So it's called normcore okay and what it's about you know people for example what it's about is anti-statement anti-fashion so it's about just regular clothes people in silicon

valley so like bill gates he wears normcore she knows in a crew neck it's very hoxton it's very now terrible though okay okay so that's what it is he was just looking fashionable okay well i'm i'm wearing knitwear today and you know, I generally eschew knitwear. You do. Can I just say, I thought you were looking a bit normcore this morning. And only a week since teasing my jumper quite a lot on this show, and then suddenly we've got two major players in the world's media, Frank Skinner and Daniel Craig, turning up in sweaters.

In normcore. I'm not saying that I'm the trendsetter here, but you guys do the math. No, but can I tell you, it's saying that I'm the trendsetter here, but you guys do the math. No, but can I tell you it's not that I'm anti-knitwear but as you know, what I hate about knitwear is you get as soon as it's when you first get it, it's lovely. I only bought this on, I think it was on Monday.

Right. So it hasn't been washed yet, so it's lovely. As soon as it's washed it'll never be the same again. Yeah. I'll just get the PR to send you another one. Such is my I paid for this. Yes! Chew that over. Wow. But I'm actually

meeting an artist this afternoon. She's going to take some photographs as a study. She's going to... She's going to paint me in oils. Maybe acrylics. And I thought what I want to preserve is knitwear before it's been washed that deserves an oil painting

I like that look on you can I say I think you look one of the nicest you've ever looked thank you you can say that, I don't know if you can say it grammatically but you can certainly say it emotionally Frank, honestly that look really suits you thank you I can't talk about Frank's look too much on the radio

it seems like it's excluding the readership. You've changed. I like the idea of... I think I look better in the imagination. ..of Daniel Craig turning up in the sweater. I think that they should employ a bit more knitwear in the actual Bond movie. I think he never wears a sweater, does he?

I can't remember. I think of him only in speedos. People fear the new and the unfamiliar. This is always the way with fashion. Look on round. The unfamiliar? The jumper. No, but it's the unfamiliar for that sort of event.

Anyway, I thought he just looked like he hadn't tried too much, which is always a good way to look if you're that big a star. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Little tip there for anyone. If you're listening Naomi Would it be nice if Bond himself wore the knitwear Because then you could have some of the gadgets

Matching up like Cucasoo Like here's your Aston Martin And if you press this button, a lint roller will come out. Oh, that would be good. Or like one of those... Oh, I love a lint roller. ...Remington Fuzzerware just locked in the door.

Wow, I forgot about those. Everyone's forgotten the Remington Fuzzerware. If anyone knows me, that's what I'd like for Christmas. A Remington Fuzzerware? No. Am I giving it too much press now? A lint roller.

Okay. They're cheap. No. Am I giving it too much press now? A Limp Roller. Okay. They're cheap. Lovely. And I love them. And if they know me, I'd like the Ronco Record Vacuum. For getting fluff off records. What do you want, Al? I'd like Zamyatin's We, please.

Okay, I'll get you a bottle of that. Oh, you had to, didn't you? I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Of course, there's no dench in this film. No. Oh, I love a dench. I feel I can enjoy it now.

Oh, thanks. You know she is. Do you remember when I was being photographed outside the Ivy restaurant and she arrived? I think you've misinterpreted this. I thought this place was for celebrities. I don't think she meant that. Well...

She's got a point, in fairness. Well, I don't rate her that highly, but... Oh, well, I wouldn't question her abilities. Oh, well, I do. I do. Anyway, they got Ralph Fiennes. What about... Are you familiar with the work of Daniel Dyer? Can I just say with Ralph Fiennes?

Yeah. What I... In contrast to Danny Dyer, I'm glad they haven't gone... Daniel. Yeah, sorry. I'm doing an Andrew Cole with him. Ralph Fiennes, I'm glad, because he's going to be another male in there,

that they haven't gone for the alpha male with him. No, he's not. They've gone for the aphor male. I'm glad you got that in. No, we've worked it out. Ralph Reif. We've worked it out. A-famile.

Yeah. Didn't take that much working out. Yeah. So proud of his joke. It was fine, wasn't it? No, I know, but I could see the tension on his face. And he thought, what if I don't get this joke in? And I'm so proud of it.

Lock it in. You're kidding me. I've stopped the whole damn show. For the alpha a-famile joke. Anyway. proud of it. Look at Ian, you're kidding me, I've stopped the whole damn show. For an Alpha A for a joke. Anyway. That's why this runs perpetually,

it's like a soap opera because Frank's got so many jokes that he still has to get. You say it runs perpetually, but who knows? Oh, don't say that.

When the boss is here, the dystopian novel. Texting. When that gets back to HQ. What is this? Sorry, carry on.

So Daniel Dyer. Yes. The actor. Yes. He has... From EastEnders. Yes, from EastEnders. Yeah.

Well, you see, that's neat. He's from EastEnders now, but he was one of those sort of football factory, young Brit film, wasn't he? He was. Then he went to EastEnders. We've all got mort sort of football factory, young Brit film, wasn't he? He was. Then he went to Stenders. We've all got mortgages to pay, except for Frank, apparently.

He has said he thinks he could play Sherlock. Yes. He said it's about being intelligent rather than posh, which I think is true, to a degree. He also said in this country, he has the utmost respect, but if he walks into a pub, he'd get annihilated by geezers. That was about Benedict, wasn't it? Yes, about Benedict.

Yeah. Well, there may be something in that. Yeah. But, um, the whole, I don't think he's, he's not a geezer, Sherlock Holmes. You'd have to change it. Yeah. Around a bit. Yeah, you couldn't have that. I take his point, as I've said to you before, I can never

play the doctor in Doctor Who because they just couldn't have one with my accent. They'll go Scottish. I love his point. As I've said to you before, I can never play the Doctor in Doctor Who because they just couldn't have one with my accent. They'll go Scottish. I love that he thinks that's the only reason that he couldn't play the Doctor. The fact that I can't act has got nothing to do with it. It's always because of the accent. That's what his agent told him.

No, but it's true that if you've got RP pronunciation, it's definitely an advantage. I don't agree with that. Definitely. Really? You think Danny Dyer as Sherlock's going to work? Where Sherlock's turning to Watson and going, it's all going to come on top.

I just don't think it's going to happen. You want to get involved, mate. You want to get involved, pal. Yeah, the penultimate scene, I think I've cracked it. You see? It's not going to happen. I'll die out of this pipe. I'm getting a seat at this pipe. Now, that's why why The Frank Skinner Show

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 On Absolute Radio I'm glad that we've had a somewhat literary feel To today's show I'm pleased by that Because I've got to pick your brains I think you may both be the sort of people that I can ask questions to on, uh, I did, here's a thing. I, uh, we all love a freebie. I know you ask people not to send stuff, but when

that beard oil company sent me some beard oil last week, I loved it. It was great. Did you use it? Yeah, I've used it. It's nice. Oh, I missed that. Did you get a freebie? Yeah, I got a free bit of beard oil. Oh, that's nice. It's addressed to me. So I had a freebie? Yeah, I got a free- Aww, that's nice. It's addressed to me. So I had a parcel, I thought, how exciting, I opened it.

It's beer and oil for the cockerel. Anyway, reasonably recently, I did a little gig for, um, stationery people. I don't mean to use that still. Was it a corporate? Yeah, it was a corporate for stationery people, like they worked in stationery. Mm-hmm. Oh, I love stationery. So do I.

Well, you would have liked this. Not only did I get to give Stabilo, you know Stabilo, the people who make those pens. Steve Oh, I know Stabilo. Steve I gave them an award and when they were- Steve Is that what Harry Anfield used to play with the commas? Steve I gave them an award and as they were walking back to their seat I said, oh, that was the highlight of the evening. Steve Oh, that was okay.

Steve You know what, I love some local material. Steve Bit of fun, bit of fun. Steve Yeah, that was the highlight of the evening. Oh, that was okay. You know what? I love some local material. Bit of fun. Excellent. Anyway, I said to the woman that was booking the gig, I went, oh, I could do with a notebook. You didn't? Yeah. That's embarrassing.

Oh, dear. Frank, he's begging for books. I know. Begging for notebooks. Hey, here's the thing. She gave me five nice pens that I'm really enjoying using and five little red notebooks. Well, I'm starting to think that was a good idea.

But the red notebooks... Oh, I love a notebook. I love seeing Frank re-evaluating the whole situation suddenly. And I don't need to... Just the potential of a notebook is so exciting. Five. You might write your Magnus... Magnum Opus in it. Well, I've been using it to write...

Magnus Magnus. I've been using it to write... Magnus Magnus. Magnus Magnus. I've been using it to write a little journal, because when I first opened it, I was thinking... Oh, that's so cute. Maybe I'll use it to write some material. And then I saw, like, a date box on the left-hand column, and I thought, I'll have a crack at a journal.

Good idea. It's been very inconsistent, Frank. I think you've got to hit it more frequently than I have. Well, I do one every day, as you know. Every day? Every day. Every day I write the have. Well, I do one every day, as you know. Every day? Every day. Every day I write the book. And can I ask what time?

Jet to one. What time? Generally last thing at night. Yeah, see, I've been doing it quite often on a morning when I've been getting the train home. I've heard that. It's been almost like a... You know these journals?

I have the utmost respect for you beginning this. I have the utmost respect for Frank, who's done it for many years. Thank you, darling. What I would say is... This is a weird section of the show. It's utterly pointless, me doing this, because the only reason I would ever write a journal

is just to document deeply unpleasant things I have to say about those who've wronged me. Well, that's all right. They have many... You know, my father's house has many mansions. Oh, me too. Yeah. It would just be vitriol about people, though. What if someone found it?

Yeah, I do wonder who the audience is for it. Am I writing it for people to read it after I've perished? Oh, God, yeah. Is that the ideal? Well, you always have to risk that. At least your family will read it. I would have thought, if you die suddenly, they'll be on that, like, vultures. They will, though, wouldn't they? They'll be looking for... Yeah, they'll be looking for interesting stuff. See where you put the money they haven't been spending all these years.

Actually, they'll be looking for interesting stuff, and they'll find me writing about how disappointing dressing rooms are. I mean, nine times out of ten, that is what the journal is about. This is meant to be a dressing room, but it's only for dressing. You document everything. I mean, would you say...

I document everything. To the theatre. To watch. I mean, that's the bit that I can't... Yeah, I do do that. And I'll write a little review. You don't. And I'll say, you know, and I bombed into and then it'll be, you know, some Patrick Cargill or something like that. Really? I'll put in brackets, Father, Dear Father,

in case the people who read it after I'm dead don't know who he is. Can I, at the risk of sounding an egomaniac, am I in the journal? Oh, yeah, you're in it quite a lot. Oh, can I read it? Definitely not. Whenever I read back through it, all I've learned from reading back through it is that I'm ill every day. Oh, wow.

Who wants to read that? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I think I need to go for more consistency on the journal. I keep writing it on trains after periods of being away working, and then I think, oh, I've got that notebook, I should have a little go on that. But sometimes I'm beginning it with, oh, I haven't written anything in this book for ten days and there's too much to catch up

then, isn't there? Yeah, you've got to get into the heartbeat. So permanent, though. There's whole chapters of my life that have been missed. I missed some personal records because I've recently broken a few personal records. I made a six-egg omelette the other day. Six? Wow. A world's strongest man. It was to share.

Was it a sell-by date that day on half a dozen eggs and you thought I might as well put them all in one omelette? I said I'm going to make an omelette and my wife went, oh, I'll have some. And I went, how many do you think I should put in then? Because I would normally stop at five because you don't want any bits being too runny. Stop at five?

I'd stop at one. Oh, I couldn't leave- For two people. I couldn't leave one in the box on its own. Oh, couldn't you? No, I think not. Are we buying more than sixes in our house? What about a nice boiled egg in front of X Factor? That's a big, that's a big omelette. Big omelette. And then, before that, I'd got out my winter cook, because obviously the weather's turned, go out my winter cook, put my hand in the inside pocket, guess what? Money!

Oh, I was going to say another notebook. Can I, before we turn onto this find, can I say that on the notebook front, do you remember when we all got St Panini sticker albums for the World Cup? Oh, I've still got mine. And you guys got free notebooks and I didn't get one. And I was quite, I was not. Did you complain on air? I was, I've still got mine. And you guys got free notebooks and I didn't get one. And I was quite, I was not.

Did you complain on air? I was, I was peeved because I love a notebook. Now, well, that was in my journal. Well, you wrote up that. Well, you did not write that in your journal. I did. You are so petty. But also.

Because I've signed a journal. Hold on, we're not finished yet. I, um, I spoke to my management company and got them to get in touch with Panini. You did not. And they sent me a free notebook separately. The cost of that phone call. And I bet they biked it round. I don't care.

I've got it. All right? Brilliant. Anyway. What about that diary I found once from my teenage years, and it only had one entry in it? And what did it say? January 1st, it said,

there can be no true love without the fear of losing. You sound like a barrel of love. Yeah, that was it. Wow. Imagine the hangover I had. That was January 1st. What about when I used to have a Paddington diary, and I used to write, dear Paddy?

You used to write it to Paddington? Yeah. I didn't really understand the concept of a diary. No, I've been considering giving it to a person, like addressing it. You know, like Anne Frank had Dear Kitty. Keep it light, love. Keep it light. Try and keep it light.

I've never read... It's dystopian day on Absolute Radio. It is. Spoiler alert. I've never read Van Franks. Is it worth a read? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Pretty important in the history of the world. I don't want to read books because they're important. Bit of a sad ending. Anyway. Put my hand in the winter jacket. Felt nuts. Put my hand in the winter jacket and felt nuts.

Sorry, is it Emil? Does that one sound like he's in another room? Apparently it sounds fine to the listenership. Oh, does it? OK, well, that's what producers have told me in previous weeks. Yeah, and if you believe that... I don't think I'm getting my hand on the table here. No, but there's a special thing when he's talking about money, the voice you're getting to it over and over again.

I think it's a little tremble in the voice. Yeah. So I had that paranoid thing of this could be money or it could be some old receipts from a Tesco shop or something. Pulled it out. Personal record. How much? 25 quid. Shut up.

Honestly. 25? I mean, who puts 25 on the inside pocket of a coat? I don't know. You do. I left it there for a year. I can't believe you did. Great days, though.

Great days. You must have been drunker than you've ever been in your whole life. I love finding a 20. I'll tell you what, if there had been loads of shrapnel as well in there, that's definitely the truth. That was the thing. When you couldn't pick your trousers up the next morning, there was so much change in them.

That would have been a big giveaway. I always find a pound and 20p. Really? They always travel together, I find, in the bottom of my handbag. Oh. And if I find one piece, they make me vomit. They smell, and they're tiny. They are a bit smelly, aren't they?

They smell and they're tiny. The joy of the 20, though, Frank. The folded 20 in a bag. I don't put money in my pocket. What about when me and a mate, when we were about 16, we found a wallet with 80 quid in it? You didn't. I mean, this was when 80 quid was 80 quid.

Yes. Was this in Birmingham, obviously? It was, yeah. What happened? Bought a house. Yay! I can't believe you said that. Yeah, but it's OK, he's allowed to.

He's grown. Where is it, Yorkshire? Yeah. We couldn't buy anything material. You see, all my mum would have said, oh, darling, where's all that come from? So I'm afraid we had to drink it. And I often think that had we have handed in that wallet,

I wouldn't have started drinking so furiously and a whole dark chapter of my life wouldn't have happened. So that was my punishment for my dishonesty. So if you're listening at home, Mark, hand it in. If that's right, if that turns out to be right, that there is someone called Mark who found the wallet last night, that would be a brilliant Derren Brown moment. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

We've got a text on 140. I kept a diary for many years throughout my youth, which lasted until I was around 35. Samuel Pepys? After children, I decided... Adrian Moore. Adrian Charles. Adrian Childs. Sorry, carry on.

After children, I decided to throw it in a lake, just so my kids would never read it. Wow. Yes, sir. I think that's a good idea. Yeah, it's probably not bad. Throw it in a lake? If you see...

There must have been several volumes yeah probably had it in a black zip up bag you saw him sliding that into the lake in the early hours i would so read that i dive in yeah oh i tell you what we haven't discussed this morning what about that survey i love a survey love a survey you have a good survey. This one made my heart sink a little, though. I'm not going to lie. It was about, have you made it? Oh, that survey. Oh, that survey.

It revealed the 50 things that prove that you've made it as a human being. Loved it. Can I tell you why I hated it? I thought I'd done all right for myself. My car, my crib, my jewels. Apparently not. Apparently, I have... You're so straight.

I have nothing, Frank. I'm a big fat zero because I don't have an orchard. You didn't have zero. You didn't have zero. You must have scored. You must have scored. I didn't have zero. I have 48.

I don't. Who has an orchard? Me. You have an orchard? You have an orchard, yeah. Who are you, the Duke of Westminster? Yeah, yeah. And I'm the Duke of Westminster and I regularly go skiing

and my children are at public, so that's not true. Have you got, OK, let's just do a random thing, sit-down mower, Frank Skinner? No. Alan Cochran? No, but I've got AstroTurf, which is better than having a sit-down mower, isn't it? I don't know if better is right.

All right. TV in every room, a bit Australian. No. I've got a few TVs, but certainly not one in every room, but then again, i've got a few tvs but not what certainly not one in every room but then again i've got a lot of rooms i've got a small radio that i take from room to room sometimes that's a nice thing matching bathrobes no cat doesn't even match the belt of her bathrobe with the rest of the bathroom i find that annoying I scored seven. Did you?

Out of 50. So 14%. That's not good. That's not made it. And to the outside eye, most people would assume that you have made it. You'd think so. You've been famous for a chunk of time. Thank you, Alan.

You're in the main chair. Thank you. Thank you. I haven't done the Christmas shopping yet, so you time this well. But then you've got, you see, you're not going to do well on this, Frank, because it's things like member of a tennis club,

golf membership. Golf, skiing. I mean, is it a test of whether you've made it, or is it a test of whether you're a very great scoundrel? That's what I wondered. Wine seller, doesn't sound right. Wine seller, come on. Can I tell you what this, I think this list, they've confused it. Not an alcoholic wine seller.

They've confused it with, are you a Top Gear presenter? Yes. That's what this list is. Yes. Home gym? Home gym? How are you on the home gym? I did all right on home gym.

Home gym is a very casual millionaire speaking to his chauffeur. I think the signs that you've made... I don't have a home... You have a home gym? Well, no. I've got... I've got room to do press-ups and I've got some weights in the home. And I've got one of those big Swiss balls, you know, the big inflatable balls?

Yeah, we know those. Oh, I've got one of those. There you go. I've got a Dame Kelly Holmes one. That's a home gym. You've done it. Yeah, but have you got a cricket bat signed by Stuart Broad? I have. That's a sign that you've made it. I haven't got any cricket stuff.

I have got one. I've got one signed by the 2005 Ashes winning team. Top that. You can't. Shut up. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're discussing how you know if you've made it on Absolute Radio this morning. Yes, off this list of 50, of which I think I've got four or five.

Did you? Oh, you've got it. You're hot on my heels. Got a cleaner. Got a pedigree dog. I got about half. Oh, I haven't got a pedigree dog. Pedigree dogs. I had a cleaner. Until Daniel Craig pitched in. Hey, that should be a sign that you've made it.

That should be a sign that you've made it, yeah. James Bond stole your cleaner. What about if you can stand four foot away from a supermodel and still be disheartened by her impoliteness? Have you made it, then? So you're not in awe? Oh, yes. Yes.

Thanks. 2,000 Twitter followers. You've got to have a minimum of... I don't. They're not on Twitter, so that blows me off. What about this, then? Have I made it? Have I made it?

I was in a hotel in the north of England and I ordered smoked salmon sandwiches on brown and the woman bought smoked salmon sandwiches on white. And what did she say? Well, I did want it on brown. She said, I'm sorry, I was so starstruck. It's a very good comeback. And I thought, that's a good comeback and quite flattering.

And she said, yeah, if you think I'm bad now, you should have seen me when Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen moved. Come in here. I made it? No. So did she have to go and remake the sandwiches after that? She had to go and remake her face. No, she didn't. Did you sign Best Love Graham Norton?

I didn't sign the sandwiches. I ate the white bread, that's what I did. Have I made it? No. On the subject of the smoked salmon, on on this list eating lobster is on the list it's a sign you've made it yeah but you've got to call it lobby that's what they call it does um does lobster bisque count because i find that a nice thing i don't know what that i you know i've seen that a lot but it's just basically lobster soup i don't eat lobster much though do you well it? Well, it's a fight, isn't it? What about an 89-quid turkey? Oh, yeah.

I made it. You've got that lovely turkey. I tell you what, I'm going to come to yours on Boxing Day. I've invited myself. And I hope there's some leftovers. I've invited you. I want you to come on Boxing Day. That'd be lovely.

What about this, then? I, um... There is a... Are you familiar with the, um... The online game, Doctor Who Legacy? Take a wild guess, Frank. No. Hang on, let me check my journal.

Have you seen me? I must read that. Well, it's a popular... You can put it on your iPhone. Don't feel you have to carry around an enormous laptop. I'm wearing £300 cashmere. I am not familiar with the Doctor Who online game. Yeah, you'd still be rubbish when it's been washed.

It does look crappy, to be fair. Anyway, it's a game featuring the Doctor and various assistants and monsters and stuff, and they're about to add a new character to that computer game. It's Perkins,

the chief engineer of the All Inch Express. Shut your face. So I will be a character on a Doctor Who computer game. Have I made it? I think so! I'm amazed that's not on the list. Be a character on Doctor Who Legacy. They missed a trick with that one. Oh, Frank, I'm actually really happy for you.

I genuinely know I'm really pleased for you. I've never felt so animated. I've never felt so animated. I've never felt so animated. No, indeed. Like Rodgers and Hammerstein song. Anyway, you're off. We won't see you now, Al, until after Christmas. Oh.

Merry Christmas, Al. Merry Christmas, guys. We love you. Merry Christmas, Al. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.