The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Earth's Core

Episode Date: October 10, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Emily and Gareth. Frank has been to the circus and has had a mysterious nocturnal visitor. Brian May and Brian Blessed have been in the news (for different reasons) and there is some modern day dating discussion!

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. I've got some news for you. Don't text the show. Never mind why.

Just don't do it. Well, you can't leave him hanging. Okay. We're not live. This is a pre-recorded show, so don't text the show. We are live. You're just throwing money into a... We might not be when this goes out.

Anyway, I'd like you to go out as a tribute. Yeah. So follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. That's acceptable, because that's free. Yeah, don't tweet us now, though. You can tweet them, you know. You can read them on...

No, but we won't read it. We won't read it out. Maybe later. Oh, complications. This isn't the smoothest intro we've ever done. What is the smoothest intro? Anyway, you can email the show via the Absent Radio website. Don't text!

You've been told. Don't phone, it's just for fun. Just before we started, actually, we were talking about texting. What do they call it on Jeremy Kyle? Oh, Jeremy Kyle. Texties. So he texties me, I text his email, she texties me. Is that really? I've never heard that. It sounds a bit medieval.

Yes. And I like the idea. Wouldn't it be interesting if the Jeremy Carr production team sat around and said, you know, we're getting a bit stale now. What about if we make people dress in medieval clothes? And most of the stories would work fine. I would love that. Yeah.

And the show could be on a pilgrimage to Canterbury. There could be stocks. Stocks would be ideal. Stocks for the bloke who's walked out on his family and gone off with a horse. All that stuff. With a horse? Did you not see that episode? No.

It was a Brahma, as we used to say. Anyway, speaking of the equine world, as we used to say. Anyway, oh, speaking of the equine world, I went to the circus. Did you? Oh, it was very... Have you been of late? Well, you were going last week when I was round there, and I'd come to see Buzz, largely, and I was waiting for the invitation.

I'm not being funny, it didn't come. You announced, you said, we're going to the circus. As if some one of my levels of sophistication wouldn't be welcome at the circus. Well, it's just that we'd got the tickets in advance. They were front row. If we had invited you, we'd have had to have moved back. Do I look like the sort of woman

who would have problems blagging my way into a circus? I don't know if you've got circus contacts. I've got all contacts. I actually wear circus contacts. They're a bit dusty. No, so, it was good. It was really good.

It was, I really properly enjoyed it. I'll tell you what was great about it, which I wasn't expecting. No safety nets, no wires. Woo! Yeah. Wow. Not that I want to see anyone get badly injured,

but you like to know that they could. I do want to see that. Well, you need to. You don't want to see that. I do. OK, but fight it. We're not the circus people. Can I say it is not the official policy of Absolute Radio that we want to see people get hurt.

If they've got flesh-coloured tights, they deserve what's coming to them. The trouble is with... I've said that many a time. The trouble is with wires and nets. You get to a point where it's safer to drive than it is to be a circus act, which is ridiculous. Do you like the circus, Gareth?

I do like the circus. What sort of circus was it? I think the last sort of circus I went to was maybe... It's the flea circus. Did I not mention that? No, it wasn't. I went to a Chinese one where it was very flexible people. Yeah. Not a thing you often had said about the Chinese

with their civil rights record. But that's lovely. Physically flexible. They didn't budge an inch on their ethos. Well, speaking of... Is that the Chinese car? The Ford ethos. There was a woman in a jar,

speaking of flexibility. Shut up! A woman in a jar? She was brought on in a jar. You are having a lot well what size jar well you know biggish but jar size guess what that's not the relevant question i'd say are we talking branston pickle no no no we're talking terranium oh yeah do you know what i mean no i don't know what terranium is ter know what training is inside gardens that people used to buy in the 80s yeah those big jars say about yay high i'm talking what two feet high maybe and maybe

15 inches across and there's the jar did it have the lid on was the show that someone had to take the lid off when she first came on the top it was like a ship in a bottle. I thought, how did they get a woman in there? A what, sorry? A ship in a bottle. Oh, OK. OK. And then there was like a little door on the side, but getting out was, you know...

Was the door a jar? I don't know whether to be more horrified by the fact that you made that joke or that you find it so funny. I think it's clever. It's reworking an age-old joke into something new, and that's what I like, is I've been a womble. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So you're at the circus. Yeah, and the woman in the jar came in, and she was a Mongolian contortionist. Can I just... I'm sorry to interrupt, but didn't you once do a very famous... respond to a heckle about something to do with something in the jar? Yeah, someone... This is the story David Baddiel tells,

that someone at the comedy store shouted, a strange heckle, I remember you from medical school. And I said, oh, yes, I remember you, you were the one in the jar i think that's brilliant how did you think i don't know it's desperation fear oh it's good so anyway it is i hadn't seen a contortionist in the flesh for a few years they are absolutely like you know so know, so the feet on the thing and the head, the chin at feet level in between, I mean, unbelievable. I'm a man now, I have to say,

has a bit of a struggle with cutting my own toenails. You know, getting that foot up. So this is a woman... To bite them or do you use a tool? She could have bitten. She could have bitten. Is that what happens? The nervous contortionists, they bite their own toenails.

But it was. She really looked amazing. So, yeah. It's an interesting question, though, that. I wonder if they do bite their own toenails. It wasn't the only question that went through my head when I was watching. It wasn't the only question that went through my head when I was watching. For example, I was thinking, I don't think I've ever seen a male contortionist.

Wow, it gets a bit messy. Well, it's revealing, isn't it? They can do it, they just never leave the house. Oh, dear. But yes, it was... I'm at the stage now where I have to put my socks on with two selfie sticks. Oh, it is, though. It is getting a bigger struggle.

When you get it up on the chair. Oh, yeah. Oh, I think... I want to do all five now before... Do you? Somebody collapsed. What's happened? I don't know. Something was dropped.

Frank, were there any elephants in tutus? There were no elephants in tutus. There was a shortage of animals. There was a performing dog character who rolled over and played dead and did

flips, backflips. Wow. Can I be honest honest i don't go to the circus how much are those tickets they were about 26 26 quid to see a dog yeah but there was lots more going on there was horses that was a woman in a jar come around mine if you want to see that love and a dog well really we'll talk Yeah, there was horses, which was... The trouble is, I don't know if you're aware of this, but my girlfriend, Kath, has a horse allergy. Wow.

And such is the level of it that the horses, they were going round the ring, I mean, fast. They went past three times and she started sneezing. I mean, they hadn't even... I don't know how much dander they were generating. Did she sneeze in time? Because that would be a good part of the show. If you got a full

big top full of allergic horse people, allergic to horses and they did like a sneeze Mexican wave as the horses went around. It'd be good. But how can you be so allergic that a horse going past will make you sneeze? I mean, I'm allergic to penicillin, but I can drive past a hospital without sneezing.

I mean, they weren't close. They weren't close, close. What if you had to drive round and round? I know, I tried to leg one over. Sorry, sorry, Gary. But it was a real spectacle, and I would recommend any one. I'll tell you what, can I name the brand? It was Zippo Circus. Oh, I've heard of that one.

I don't like the lighters. No. Because they always have, like, bad versions of football badges on and stuff like that. Any bears? No bears. What, on the lighters? No, it was so good. There was horses, there was a miniature pony and one dog.

Right? That's the inventory. It's all gone to the farmyard. Well, you know, it's considered now to be a bit cruel, the elephant on the tiny round table thing standing. My heart warms at the thought of it, but it is thought to be a bit cruel so those days are gone woman in a jar that's where we are now

absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio yeah so what oh I had a mysterious nocturnal visitation. Oh, no.

I'm not going to sing Let It Be. I was in bed of a night. Oh, yeah. This has all gone a bit your autobiography. I don't like this. And the doorbell went. And the doorbell went. Now, I was sleeping in the attic room because I was working the next day.

OK. So a bosun was downstairs. My mother-in-law was staying, and Kath was down there. Anyway, the doorbell went. It was after midnight. The doorbell went. Well, we've had this before.

Last time it was a bunch of youths with a big dog in a psychedelic transit van. But it's a bit worrying. I don't know if you get that. It's slightly scary. Yeah. That time of night. Oh, I wouldn't answer the door.

Avon lady. Pizza delivery. Night cream. Yeah, well... Pizza delivery. It's funny you say that, Pete, because there are two roads where we are which only have one word difference. I won't say

what they are because we get even more bells in the middle of the night. But it means that often people delivering stuff to them ring our bell, which is a bit annoying. For instance, the road I live on, I live on, because no one cares where I live.

Richmond Wood Road is right next to Richmond Park Road, and we have sometimes got posts from Richmond Park Road. I'm very glad we've cleared that up on air. I just think people like an example. So just so everyone knows, it's Richmond Wood Road, yeah? Okay. But I'm not telling you the number. Do you know Richmond Wood?

No, but thanks for the tip. Thanks for the tip. But do you ever wonder if they're getting your stuff? Not until now. No, that's the thing. I mean, we get a lot of stuff for them from Amazon. Do you? I mean, I would never have bought a juicer myself.

Who knew? Who knew you could even get them? So anyway, I'm in bed. Imagine all the Doctor Who merchandise they're getting. Yeah, they are confusing. Oh, the Dalek slippers. We've had so much wear out of those. Yes, well, maybe it all evens itself out.

I can't eat any more sushi. Anyway, so I was there. I was only wearing my pyjama jacket. It was after midnight. I didn't really want... Oh, no, not the short one. You weren't. Just a normal jacket. You know what? He calls it a jacket. It's like Paddington. What he wears is the

pyjama top. He calls it a jacket. But a top, that's a female thing. It is, yeah. It's the top of the pyjama top he calls it a jacket that's a female thing it is yeah it's the top of the pyjama he wears it's a jacket truly it's got a breast pocket it's got lapels it's not a jacket it's got lapels

it's got too many buttons it doesn't have a plunging it's got three buttons would you wear just that on television would you wear pass me my jacket? Would you wear just that on television? Would you wear... Frank Skinner, pass me my jacket. I wouldn't wear just that on television. Man in a jacket.

Man in a pyjama jacket is the next one. That's a very different sort of show. What do you call it? Isn't that what everyone calls it? Pyjama jacket. I'm not going to go and see man in a jacket. I don't think anyone's... No, pyjama top, Frank.

I don't think anyone's referred to just one bit of the pyjamas for years and years. Because most people wear bottoms with it, Frank. Pyjamas. No, I would say pyjama trousers and a pyjama jacket. Pyjamas are a suit. I mean, there's no getting around it. A pyjama suit. It's a suit, isn't it?

It's matching top and bottom. You are familiar. Have you remembered this? Frank does go for the sort of top cat slash hair bear bunch approach to dressing. He just wears the top with no bottom. I think that's worse than nothing,

isn't it? No. It's worse than nothing. I would wear the trousers. I fear I might get entangled in the cord during the night when I'm writhing about. You know where you writhe in sleep? There's more chance of getting entangled if you're not wearing anything. Oh, wee, wee, ho, na, ya, hoo, hoo, hi. If there's any Comanches listening, they'll have got that happy birthday raining face.

So, did you answer the door just in the pyjama jacket? No. Heavens for that. How come there was a door in my pajama jacket i'll never know the only thing you take your pajama tie off no i where's the tie pajama loafers well imagine if you've got a pajama jacket you've got a whole pajama pajama overcoat i sleep in the pajama caboo no so anyway i lay there thinking, if it rings again, I'll go to the... Because I got one of those, you know,

those things on the wall that you can talk into. What are they called? Intercom. Oh, yeah. So I was lying there, and there was a bit of a kerfuffle downstairs. But, I mean, I couldn't eat anything else. But I could hear that Buzz started crying then and then there was a bit of going a bit of you know and i thought oh i need to step in in a minute to be continued

you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8 a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio mobile apps and in london and the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. So you left us on tenterhooks. Yes, so I could hear crying, I could hear a bit of, you know, voices from downstairs as if there was something going on.

And I felt, this is something I rarely feel, I felt a bit man of the house. Oh. Yeah, I thought, what's the point of having a firearm if you're not going to... No, I haven't. Have you got a pyjama gun? In my cold, dead hands, I hope it was a gun.

A pyjama holster. I have a gun, I keep in a pyjama holster. It's great. Pink and white stripes. I don't know why It's great. It's pink and white striped. I don't know why this is hard. What top and bottom? It's the sort of thing that only girls used to say. I bought a new top.

Would you say I've bought a new top? I mean, I might not be the best example. I haven't bought any new clothing in quite some time. No, but if you did, you'd say a shirt or a T-shirt. You wouldn't say a top. I might not say a top. I'd say a pyjama top. Would you top. I'd say a pyjama top. You wouldn't say a pyjama jacket.

No, but top is something I think... I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's one for the ladies. Okay. So anyway... A character at a Phoenix night. Tracksuit top, I would say. Definitely I would say a tracksuit top. Okay, I'm glad we've established that. Yeah, but that's not a top. Anyway, so I... Garethacksuit top, I would say. Definitely, I would say a tracksuit top. Okay, I'm glad we've established that.

Yeah, but that's not a top. Anyway, so I... Gareth, no more what you would say. Okay. Yeah, that's the end of that. Loud and clear, I hear. Loud and clear, no more. Okay, so I thought...

So you were a man of a hat. I thought if they ring again, I'm going to go to the monitor and put on my here is Johnny voice can I say I would feel safe with you thank you so much I'd prefer if I had pyjama bottoms on I thought you were responding to the

Unicuma the Unicuma is actually the name of my new band yeah so I went back to sleep there was no second ring of the bell oh

I love that story I haven't finished yet it gets worse so I got up the next morning and I said so what happened last night and Kath said what do you mean

I said you know that when the doorbell went and all that stuff. She said, I don't know what you're talking about. I said, when the doorbell, I heard you talking to your mum and the baby crying. She said, what are you talking about? No one rang the doorbell last night.

So I, either she had a liaison or I dreamt the whole thing. And it seems I I dreamt the whole thing. And it seems I just dreamt it. And no one else knows anything about it? No. What if she's gaslighting you? What does that mean?

Oh. We don't know the terms, then. I haven't got time. Well, she's dressing in Victorian outfits. No. That means trying to send someone mad. Oh, I see. Yeah.

By pretending that no one's rung the doorbell, for example. Like you do with her by calling it a pyjama jacket. Oh, okay, that thing. Well, no, I don't think anyone had rung the doorbell. It's just a bit of worry that I dreamt the whole thing. I mean, what's next? Start dreaming.

Oh, the fry didn't slip. They're coming in thick and fast. I started drinking. Yeah, what about it? What about if I dreamt there was an alarm clock went off? You know what I mean? Wake up. What about when I did a... I did a programme called The Bobble.

I did the pilot for a programme called The Bobble. Oh, I remember watching it, yeah. And I said to this guy that we had to leave on this day. And I said, the thing is, because we're not allowed to have our phones, that was the rule of the show in this house. That's what I used to this guy that we had to leave on this day and I said the thing is because we're not allowed to have our phones that was the rule of the show in this house that's what I used to get up so I don't have an alarm clock so could you get me an alarm clock? He said okay I'll get you one.

So he went off into town and then he whatever happened he met some friends he stayed out late so I'd gone to bed by the time he'd come back. So we had to get up at eight o'clock he'd still got the alarm clock with him so he came the next day So we had to get up at 8 o'clock. He'd still got the alarm clock with him. So he came the next day, he knocked on my bedroom door at 8 o'clock. I went to the bedroom door, he gave me the alarm clock.

What? What the? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, um, I've been learning about Alex Ferguson this week. Have you? Yeah.

Oh, late review. What do you reckon? Not a bad manager. What do you think he's going to have to say to help out as a manager? He was a football manager. Apparently, there's a thing coming out about the the secrets of his success oh yes there's a documentary yeah with um lots of interviews and lots of people original title secrets of my success is that what it's called it's not what it's called

okay frank and gareth you have to spend the rest of this link thinking up what they should have called it so it's called so Sir Alex Ferguson's Secrets of Success. Yeah. OK. No puns, no nothing. So there's a number of exclusive things we learn about the way Alex Ferguson conducted his business. The first thing that jumped out was he would target the mums of the players.

Yeah, well, that's where I am now. It's all gone a bit Wayne Rooney. That's my catchment area. Oh, that's a bit harsh on Wayne Rooney. I think it was with him, it was like when you get to the supermarket, they put all the old stuff at the front for you to buy. Yellow sticker dating. Yes.

I used to buy that. Eight in the next 20 minutes. There used to be a place in Birmingham you used to get stickers like that. Really? In the nightclubs? Oh, nay, nay. Nay, nay, and thrice nay. No, but when he was recruiting young players, he'd go for the mums. OK.

And I was a bit like, when I had friends at school... Well, can you explain that? When you say go for the mums? I'm just enjoying the when I had friends reminiscence. Those were the days. When he was recruiting new young players, he would tell the recruiters

go for the mums because they make the decisions. And, you know, the dad and the son, I'm sure, they'll have a serious chat about it but the mum will say, oh no, I like that nice man who came round. Yes. I believe he said, get the mother, was what he actually said. Get the mother.

Yeah. They were famous, of course, Man United, for their youth. Football team. Youth, though, that they would get them young. There was that team when they had Beckham and Paul Scholes and all that. The class of 92, they called it, because classes were a lot bigger in those days.

That was my family supported Manchester United and I reckon I knew everyone in that team, which is rare for a whole football team. You knew the team, not the youth team. Oh, no, I mean, I could rare for a whole football team. You knew the team, not the youth team. Oh no, I mean, I could name them from looking at them. On the television, I didn't know them personally. Robbie Savage was in the youth team.

Coming up, Gareth's going to name the team just from looking at them. He moved to Liverpool. Robbie Savage. Is that right? No. If he did, I missed it. Robbie Fowler, that's who I'm talking about. Oh, yes. That's right, darling. Yes, and guess what?

He wasn't in Take That, either. Any Robbie will do. Middle name? Bernard. Who's that? Robert Bernard Fowler. Is that right? I like that I know that.

I can't tell you how. Play a song. That's a... A shocker. So Alex was talking as well about the infamous hair dryer technique. It worked with Robbie Savage. He was in there for like 20 minutes. I worked with Robbie Savage. He was in there for like 20 minutes.

What do they call those things that look like irons that they put in their ear? Oh, the curling tongs. Tongs, yeah. But Ronaldo gave us a little insight. He said he kicked the chairs, he kicked the boots, the waters, the drinks. He kicked everything. I like he kicked everything. Yeah, very drinks, he kicked everything. I like he kicked everything. Yeah. Everything.

Very good. I don't believe that he kicked the drinks. And if he did kick the drinks... He hasn't kicked it yet, to my knowledge. My favourite thing in the whole sort of preview of this show was the goose material. Yes, remember the geese. That's what he used to say.

That is his motto. That's quite a brave thing to say to your average young footballer now. So this is in relation to the formation, is it, that they fly in? I think the point he was making is that famous V formation they fly in. In order to fly in long distances, they have to work as a team.

They have to take it in turns to lead, and they swap around and all that, but they always keep their shape, and they keep on for the good of the... That was what he was getting at. Whether that actually got through, I don't know. Are they a specialist breed, geese, or are they big ducks? Extraordinary question.

I think they are a set i mean i am not an expert really well i wouldn't have asked if i'd known that i um i believe you mean you've been fooling us all these years i mean how do you think you got the job i'm sorry if i present all my knowledge with such confidence when you said things like i've trained geese expert when you said you had poultry qualifications oh i can see how the mr misunderstanding came about i can't actually speak today it's a problem on the radio i was fine no i like that though it's quite poetic. It's very Cantona-esque, isn't it? You see, when David Moyes took over,

he wouldn't have dared to do that because he didn't want them looking to the skies because there was a small aeroplane flying over with a Moyes out banner on the back. You aware of that, Gareth? I think I'd be so together. A man actually hired a plane to fly over with the band to try and get rid of it. It worked as well.

Also, geese are amongst the most vicious, angry animal. Oh, that's also a good point. Don't suddenly pretend you're an expert now. Well, they are, aren't they? Have you Googled in the interim? I know it's a big question. You don't have to answer it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. Please don't text the show today, we're sick of it. Inane nonsense, let's face it. No, we're not here. It's not live. Normally we love your text, but we don't want you wasting your time and ours. So if you want to follow the show on Twitter however, which is free, you can

do that. We can always catch up if there's anything fabulous. And it's at Frank on the radio. Or you can email us. They'll keep. Someone tweeted me to say, I believe he'd work with you. Back in my theatre days, I fetched many a rider for hashtag Frank Skinner.

Wow. Then went on to say, he always asked for a local newspaper and some new socks. Yes. Is this true? That is true. There you go. One pair of, well, at least one pair of black socks, local newspaper and also two stamped postcards with a local view on them.

Who is he? His name is J.R. Hartley. He wrote a book, I think. Oh, yes. He wrote a book, I think. His name is... There's a website called On TV or something. Oh, forget about it. I know, I don't have his personal name. Sorry, anyway, thank you. His personal name.

How many names do people have nowadays? That's what I'd like to ask Sir Alex Ferguson. I thought with the geese, it might have been a reference. Do you know what they call the geese of Juno or something, is it? You know, those ancient Roman geese. Do you know that story? The Gauls

attacked Rome and they got past the guard dogs. The guard dogs were sleeping. They had guard dogs on Rome. That's how things were in them days but the geese heard the Gauls coming so they made a big fuss and they saved Rome

so the geese became total heroes and they were more vigilant than the dogs yes exactly guard dog fail I think that was what it was called on the internet geese owns galls. But what they used to do, I don't know if we should go into too much details,

but what they used to do as a celebration of this every year, they would take a goose for the year and absolutely pamper it, feed it up, treat it like a god, as a thank you. And then they would go into the arena on the on the anniversary of this and the the goose would sit in the best seat in the house with all sort of goose type delicacies and i don't know what they would be and then they would crucify one of the guard dogs i know it's terrible i hope that's not an omen of what's to happen on this show

No it's absolutely terrible However if someone said to me they got a ticket Would you be able to resist? I don't know Just to see the fat goose Lording it Lording it up But yeah that's what I thought he was referring to

But no He's a funny character though When I say funny I mean horrible Because I think That's what I thought he was referring to, but no. He's a funny character, though. When I say funny, I mean horrible. Because I think everything I hear about his management style, he goes for sort of Reign of Terror, really, doesn't he? Oh, yeah. And I compare that to your own management style. And I would say, Frank, he's hairdryer.

You're firm but fair. You're curling tongs. Well, I'm a bit different on the radio I've found in my experience that if you treat people in the rod of iron shouting at people you get maybe 70% out of them

whereas if you're kind and compassionate you get say 40% Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So I've been up north this week How about that? Do we have any suitable music? Yes, I went to Brighouse Comedy Festival

Brass Band. Perfect. Brigghouse and Rastrick. Yeah, that is the thing. I'd never heard of that, but I heard about it while on stage. People told me about that. About what? Famous Brass Band.

Yes, Brigghouse. I saw them with the Unthanks. Do you know the Unthanks? I don't understand any of this conversation. One word in this whole conversation. Do you understand? I know, the Unthanks are sort of like... They're sisters. Two folky sisters.

Oh, we went on the moors. Yes, exactly. Oh, it was cold there. Is that from Othello the Musical? You know, it's 2015. Yeah. Yes, I know. It's retro.

Why aren't you watching the Kardashians or something? Well, the Unthanks are very talented, and they clog dance. Oh, I know. It's retro. Mind you're watching the Kardashians or something. Well, the Unthanks are very talented, and they clog dance. Oh, do they? They sound like something you'd do. Don't they sound like something you'd do on Facebook? Yeah. They sound very...

If you want to be ungrateful. Yeah, exactly. They sound what I would describe as very specialist interest. No, they're very talented women. And the Brigham and Rastwick, I heard them do the floral dance live. Yes. Oh, yeah. And I have to say, it was actually very...

Oh, they did the dubstep. Yeah, they did a bit of dubstep. And I have to say, it was very moving. Lovely. It's great. A big brass band live blows you away. Literally. Because of the air.

Yes. So tell us about your little thing. No, they weren't on. It was just a comedy show. I did a kids' show in the afternoon. Deliberately? Yes. Or did you just fall over in the car park?

I was told I had to go to the Central Methodist Church. And you know when you go to different places... It's a variation on the usual thing that people shout at you in the street. Why don't you go... To perform at the Central Methodist Church.

Yes, that's where it was, apparently. So I arrived, and I parked in the car park and went to the first door, and it was... A lot of detail, Gav. It was a lot of detail. I like this. OK, OK. It's quite a police statement.

No, but I'm recreating this in Lego on the other side of the desk. I could see that there were people in there through the windows. There was lights on and in the cafe they had like, they had sort of rainbow bunting up. Oh, yeah. Which was pretty.

Yeah. And like, supporting gay rights, which was good. Yes, I approve of that. Yeah, I don't know if that, is that a Methodist thing? Probably not. It's probably just the rainbow being in the Bible, isn't it?

Oh, OK. Oh, yes, the bow. Yes. So that was locked. First door went to the second door. That was also locked. So I went to one more door around the side, and that door was open.

Is this a parable? I like it. Knock and ye shall... Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And ye shall enter. Three times you were denied. Yes, but on the third time,

the door, I persisted and the door was opened unto me. Was it a jar? It was... No. Okay. I went in and there was an empty hallway and there were three bowls of porridge no there wasn't

why doesn't this this sounds like someone's testimony in court it sounds like a local policeman reading from a notebook it really does well then all of a sudden there was a an older lady and she said what are you doing here oh she's wearing an apron and then there was another one that's a ghost i put my monies on that, it's a ghost. That's got ghost written all over it. Who wears an apron in this day and age? You can't even buy them anymore. They wear them in B&Q.

Are you sure it was a central method of doing it? Do they have orange aprons on all of them and bad skin? And were they playing Christina Aguilera? Well, the same level of customer service as you get in B&Q. Oh, well, actually, it's quite good in B&Q. Maybe where you go. Don't we might get a nice garden furniture? Let's not be too hasty.

OK. Did I tell you when I bought those lamps, I was being a bit cool, and I bought those lights that have got, like, the bars on them that you have in garages for my actual flat? Because I thought that was cool. I was being a bit cool. What, in B&Q? Yeah, but in...

Well, that's, you know... Hey, ladies! It's all relative. And I said... I just parked my ride up in B&Q. I said to the bloke on the counter, I said, I'm going to get... I'm putting these in my flat.

I think they look really good. And he said, them for the garage. I said, I know, but I'm going to put them in my flat. I think they... And he said them for a garage

they're exactly the same I mean he allowed me to buy them but it was tense I'm just going to play some music and then we can come back to this rattling yarn Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

So two be-aproned women. This is, in case you just joined us, Gareth's got a torch held under his face. We've got all the lights down. And he's telling a scary story about Central Methodist Church in Brighouse. Brighouse. What are you doing here?

And I said, oh, I'm here for the comedy show. She said, there's no comedy show here. And people usually say that much later in the gig. That's one of your standard heckles. It is, yeah. I said, no, well, I think this is where I've been told to come. And go, no, there's nothing in the book. We've looked in the book and the hall's not booked for anything.

Is this an episode of League of Gentlemen? Well, it felt like that. And so I was like, oh, right. And she said, how'd you get in? And I said, well... And you said, well, I went to the first door. And then I went to the second door. No, go on.

I didn't think they'd stand for a story. No, no. I just said, well, I just came in. And they wouldn't appreciate the rule of three, which we obviously did. Yeah. They, they... which we obviously did. Russell Brand always did.

And I said, I just came in the door. I said, well, after lock that, we don't want strangers coming in. No, well, quite right. I thought there's an open church. Do come and join us. This is the whole thing. I mean, what if Jesus had arrived in Brighouse? He'd have gone through the first door.

Jesus wasn't going to be in Brighouse. No, no, hold on, we don't know where. That's right. I know that did those feet in ancient time rubbish, come on. The guy was in Israel. Maybe he's just working his way, you know, alphabetical order, Bethlehem, Brighouse. No, I mean when he comes back, you know, what if I was Jesus coming back? This is where you and I part company. if I was Jesus coming back. This is where you and I part company. But like, it's supposed to be welcoming and I did, that was

not, that was like, if Jesus didn't have a room booked is what I'm saying. Can I ask you a question? Did you have any clothes on? I was wearing a pyjama jacket. Well, then you're right. She was most unsociable. So did you get to the bottom of this? I got out of it and then I phoned the guy,

and he said, oh, yeah, you're in the right place. I talked to Sheila, and so I waited for him, and we went. I love the level of detail we have here. We know the name of Sheila. We got in. So the woman was... If you want to book Methodist Central Church, call Sheila. OK. Andy?

So did you get in and do a show? And it was where it was, yeah. Was it a brilliant show? It was amazing. About ten people there. But it was fun. Three of them had come for the Methodist service, four for B&Q,

two ghosts. But, you know, crowd's a crowd. That's what I always say. Yeah, yeah. It was fun. Yeah. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Shall we get to the corner? Yeah. As dark as hell used to say, what say you? Oh no.

It needs a refresh, that. Yeah, I don't like the ending. Why? What, you've just added one on? I know, I just thought it kind refresh, that. Yeah, I don't like the ending. Why? What, you just added one on? I know, I just thought it kind of needed that. If you were going to sing the Email Corner jingle, what would you do, Gareth? Go on. I mean, I'd think up some ideas.

Oh. We haven't got time. Let's go straight to the third door. Come on. Email Corner! Anyway, we're in it. We're in it. This email is from J.S. Mystery.

J.S. Mystery, okay. No, not J.S. J.S. J.S. Mystery, okay. No, okay. Not the author? No. Is that an author?

Can I read the email? Yes, please do. Jimmy Mystery, I remember. East of Eden. Is it East of Eden? Oh, no, that was a James Dean film. Oh, yeah. What was that film, Daisy? East is East. East is West? East is Eden. Is it East of Eden? Oh, no, that was a James Dean film. Oh, yeah. What was that film, Daisy?

East is East. Oh, East is East. East is East. Oh, Frank, we sound so old. Well, we are old. I just said, you went, East of Eden. You can't know everything. I just made it in 1947 or something.

No, it was later than that. Anyway. Okay. Dear team, Sting's song was actually called Soul Cake, not Oat Cakes, as referred to by Frank. I think this is an incident that happened last week. Would you care to fill me in, Craig David? Yes, I was...

I don't know if we got on to the subject of Sting, but I was on about the fact that when he went through his folk period, he went a bit on tank. Yeah. And he grew a beard. Do you remember this? Oh, yeah. Yeah. he went for an arrow collar as well a granddad sort of shirt or he just went very folky really but almost medieval folky i think he was sailed at one point um so yeah he went for a beard because he you know he got fed

up of shaving because he found that when he put the aftershave on, it really used to... Anyway, so he did this thing, which I thought was called Oatcakes. It's a song, and he's just going, Oatcakes, Oatcakes, because he's from the North East. And it turns out now, it seems, at Jayesh Point, that it's actually soul cake. Yes.

Oat cakes are a thing you give toddlers, aren't they, and children as a snack. And people who work at InStyle magazine as well. Yeah. And, yeah, we have them. You have them there. We have it for dinner, yeah. Okay.

He did an old album about children's food. Did he? Yeah, it was... The album was called Small Box of Raisins. Do you know the childish glee on your face when you said that? So cute. Anyway, so... Petit fallout, petit fallout.

Rusks, are we, we are rusks. Do you want another one? Rusks. Anyway, that was it. Okay. And then there was that band on the run when he did Sting Sings Wings. Do you remember that album?

Oh, lovely. So look, Soul Cakes is what it is, which is obviously when you buy cakes on a company. So Jayesh continues, Frank's reference was funny. Oh, okay. Those are the days. And I only mentioned it because I like oats.

I've never written to any radio shows, but I thought this might get a mention on future podcasts regarding clarification. Well, you know what? Jayesh sounds like he'd be good at maths. Yes, well, he's right about this, anyway. Yeah, he's very exact, and I like that in an emailer. Yes, me too. There's not enough of them on this show, let's face it.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. and I like that in an emailer. Yes, me too. There's not enough of them on this show, let's face it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have an email for you. How about that? Shall I read it? Oh, emails, emails. This is off the... If Sting did the jingle,

we could call it the Stingle. Or a Sting. Yeah,, we could call it the Stingle. Or a Sting. Yeah, or we could call it a Sting, even. What is the likelihood of Sting doing the jingle? If he's listening to this, I think he's a man who can laugh for himself. I don't. I think he's a man who's never laughed at himself.

No, you're probably right. In 300 years' time, when jingles were a thing of the past, after the apocalypse, I can imagine Sting doing a jingle album then, when it was like, you know, harking back to days of yore. Yes. What do you go like? You'd be going, Meridian Radio.

That's the first track. Yeah. Everything will be sitar-based. No, compare! Do you remember that? There was a Life FM. What was that? It was a radio station.

Is it still going? And I'm sure they only chose that name because it gave them a ready made. They used to play that. Life. Desiree. Life. Life. Was that Desiree?

I don't know. I believe it was Desiree. Is that all she said in the song, life? No, I think there was all this stuff. Terrible lyrics. Terrible lyrics. Make an effort. I could do that.

The sequel's a bit depressing. Oh, I prefer that one. Well, I don't know. Yeah, but they put a little apostrophe in the middle of the word, which I thought was a bit small. Oh, yeah, that was nice. Yeah. So, anyway, who's this from?

This is from Andrew Hill. It says, Hi, team. With the conclusion of Bake Off and the looming pottery-type Bake Off show, can I put forward to you my idea? No. No, I want to hear it. Sorry about that, Andrew.

I want to hear it. Oh, OK. Working title, Jobs are Goodin', where DIY buffs have a project to build each week. Example, some decking, a child's fitted wardrobe. I don't think you should fit wardrobes to children. I think that seems cruel. I don't know.

It stops them running away. Build a shed, et cetera. The person with the most project, with the worst project, gets eliminated. Eliminated? Are you drunk? Honestly? I'm not the first person to ask me that.

The person with the worst project gets eliminated. The cliche stock in trade judges comment you've nailed it. Which would have two subtly different meanings. One one good job well done or two when a dovetail joint was required and the contestant has banged two pieces of wood together an exclamation of horror you nailed it oh i see no you've got it in the right way gareth it's an

exclamation of horror you've nailed it oh yeah oh yes yes that's good that's good like the child actress rose up there from like behemoth the sea monster human being no it was it was i have to say i've been um i i don't do much diy but for in the period i've probably i've probably been doing it for 40 years I always favour a hammer over a screwdriver and I'll tell you something it makes no difference does it not? it's an advantage

because I think the fact you can use a hammer and I'm exposing it now if I go missing this week it'll be somebody from the screwdriver manufacturing industry it now if i go missing this week it'll be somebody from the screwdriver manufacturing um industry but i it doesn't you know that sometimes you get a screw and it's got the central groove in it you know the central groove the old-fashioned um style of screw here

no but then you get a philip no not a ph Philips. A Philips is, that's a mysterious world. If you think about it, there aren't that many things in the toolbox that have got someone's name attached to it. Who was Philips? What's wrong with the old Central Groove? You know, it's a great club. They used to go there a lot in the 80s. No, so he invented that strange, Look, it's just a slightly structured...

It's like a Lego hole. Like a hot cross bun. Yeah, but the hammer, the hammer rather, went a bit West Midlands then, the hammer. The hammer, it cares not for the central groove or Phillips. No. You know, it's a one-size-fits-all. Yeah.

And honestly, it makes no difference. If anyone's listening who struggles with a screwdriver, I imagine there's quite a lot of you. There's any cabinet makers in, any experts in woodwork. Stop fooling yourself. A lot of those. What about, you and Adrian Charles have done some lovely DIY together. Yes, well, we put up a child swing.

No, you can't do DIY together. D-I-T. Unless it's D-I-T. Yeah, D-I- together. D-I-T. Yeah, D-I-T. D-I-yourselves. Yeah. Yes, but it's... I can't think... Don't text us, because we're not live this week,

but I wish I could think of another tool that was named after someone. Oh, let's have a think. Jimmy Nail didn't invent... No. I thought that's a bit of a shot in the dark. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We got time for another email, Frank. Yes. OK. Oh, the producer just put her little thumbs up when I asked that. Yeah. I enjoyed that. Ticklish. Yeah.

This is from PJ. Jacket or trousers? Oh, no jacket required. Hello. The other day, I met a girl. I really hope that would be it. Just nice of being polite. I don't really know him well nice of him being polite. I don't really know him well enough for him to email.

We're just on, you know, just say hello. There are some radio shows where the content is about on that level. Yeah, I listen to you all, Superior. I mean, you're right, but let's be modest. Oh, I learnt from the best, darling. If you'd like to greet us, text in. No, don't text in. No, don't text in.

Yeah, no, don't. Don't greet us. Can you believe he says that to me, that I've lost my modesty? This is the man. I won't repeat what you said when we got a silver Sony instead of a gold. Well, there is no such thing as a silver Sony. Well, there was back then. No, there wasn't.

What do you mean? There was gold and there was nothing. Well, that isn't the language you used. We meddled. I know we meddled. We did meddle. Anyway. Hello.

The other day, I met a girl for the third time where she informed me I'd worn the same shirt for all three occasions. In your esteemed opinions... Does he work in P&Q? He's a customer. So, does he mean three dates? Is that what it means? I believe so, yeah.

Okay. In your esteemed opinions, should I brush it off, the shirt, I'll say, and just make sure I remember for next time, or work with it, and turn up in the same shirt again, if only to make myself laugh, if not her? I like his attitude. Yeah. Thanks for your help, PJ. I'd like a bit more detail. I mean if it's a

t-shirt with one of those I'm with this idiot captions. You know and the sort of Victorian hand. For some reason. Why is it Victorian? They have a sort of from an old theatre. It's a really crass slogan and then a lovely

stylish Victorian hand. It's a bit Victorianass slogan and then a lovely stylish Victorian hat. It's a bit Victorian pamphlet turn the page motif. Yes, exactly. If it's one of those, don't wear it again. Also, if it is a QI panelist, the floral of the floral type, you know, don't wear that three times. No.

I mean, I think the only way out of this is to see if you can go out and buy loads of that shirt if you still know where you got it from and then when she you finally get around to your place you go oh so i'll just change shirts and then open the wardrobe to a wardrobe full of just that shirt and she'll be like ah oh i like that you've turned into the legendary swordsman but you know know how it is. It's a serial killer. Come back to my place.

Yeah, but once you get her back to your place, you're going to think, oh, I'm not bothering with the shirts joke. Not with her at this point. I don't know. I mean, I think if that were me, I think, PJ, what would worry me, and I'm talking to you directly because I feel it's more intimate, what would worry me and I'm talking to you directly because I feel it's more intimate what would worry me about

three times running is just the basic hygiene issue it depends when the dates were spread out if he's only seen her once a week it's fine I would wear it again for the next day and if she says anything I'll say I've come to think of it as our shirt

I once went out with her you know people. Oh. I once went out with a... You know people have an hour tune? Oh, yeah. I went out with a woman and our tune was the theme from Bonanza. Romantic. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards.

Hello. Don't text us. We're not here. I know it's complicated, but that's recording for you. We're actually going out on Skype loss. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. That's all right. Won't do any harm.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We'll read them later. Frank? Do you know Brian May? no but thanks for the tip excellent work he's been on the campaign trail oh yes I read about Brian May's anger

some swearing involved which we won't be mentioning he's already done a lot of work for the badgers the badger community he Yeah, fair play. He's a big Badger fan. And now he's moved on to the basements. Yes. Much like Jesus, he's working his way through the bees.

Yes. He's not a fan of what he calls mega basements. Yes. Although they sound awesome, don't they? Mega basements. Frank's also got one. You haven't got a mega basement, but you've got a lovely basement. Well, I suppose that is a basement, but it's not... They're just good jeans he's wearing.

He hasn't got the pajama trousers on. What he's talking about is, and they do this a bit in My Road. They do. Is that people buy the house and think, oh, I've bought a five-bedroom house, why don't I just put another bedroom somewhere? So if they can't go up, they go down, deep. And a lot of the neighbours I hear saying,

you know, I'm worried about it, because what about if the whole thing collapses and our house will fall into that, the whole thing will go down like a house of cards. But what puzzles me is when you buy a house... Yeah. ..and obviously you buy the land and the garden and that, how far down do you own?

Well, I imagine it's like a piece of pie right down to the core. So I own a part of the Earth's core. I mean, I'm not an expert. No, but that's what it sounds like. As well as a geese expert, you were a structural surveyor. I actually owned some of the Earth's core. The crust and the core. No, you don't, Frank.

I must do. He's got that wrong. Where do? I mean, there's tubes down there and there's sewer. I guess we don't own the sewer. Do we own the sewer? Oh, I'd love a bit of sewer i'm thinking um at some point i sit myself in court with an australian man who's saying that i've been

i've been crouched into his slice of pie into the earth that was my magma get off my magma why is he taking my magma oh i could just eat a magma and i don't like it um that was my magma. Why's he taking my magma? I see what you did, mate, and I don't like it. That was my magma. It's an interesting point, though, isn't it? Because if you can build a basement, you must own the ground below. How deep can you go, exactly? How deep can you go? How deep can you go, Brian?

Yes. An episode of Wayne's World. So he's angry anyway. He's angry. In fact, he's used very strong language. He said the perpetrators need to be brought to justice. It's got him at Batman. I mean, they're just middle class people in advertising

making a basement and he's called them the perpetrators and using words like justice. No, Emily, he says that his part of Kensington and Chelsea was turned into a hellhole. That's because they've gone down to the core. Yeah, you don't want to dig that deep. No. There's sulfur.

We actually own a bit of hell. It's turned out. The scream of souls. Exactly. I wish I had such a racket. Because his £11 million mansion, he's now described as hell. Yeah, but it's expensive in London, isn't it? So that's probably just a bedsit, is it?

No, I bet. £11 million. You see, there is an answer to this. Go move to an area where people can't afford to do deep excavations. I'm not surprised that he's anti these things, because he does strike me as a man who likes to stick with the original design, if you

look at him. He's gone upwards, though. Also, he's got a cheek talking about this noise pollution. What about him when the hairdryer's on? What about him on the roof at Buckingham Palace? He didn't think about the structural implications then. He talked about making a lot of noise for money.

I went past St James' Park the day after that and it was covered in dandelions. And then I saw him bald in the paper. I mean, you draw your own conclusions. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin conclusions. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're in Brighton Bay's basement. Oh, he hasn't got one.

No, he's not happy about it. He's got a lead guitarman. He said what it's like to the effect on the area. It's like having, you know, if young hoodies were doing that and causing that much disruption, I think it's probably noisy for him with the digging and all the workmen around. But he said if young people in hoodies were doing that stuff,

people would have something to say about it. Fair enough. If there was young people in hoodies digging under my house, I think I'd have a right. Excuse us, lads. Come on, lads. You've had your fun. We've got work in our road at the moment. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, they're doing the sewers. Gareth lives in Bournemouth. In a bungalow. No, he doesn't live in a bungalow anymore. Oh, how many floors you got? We live in a masonette. Well, we've got two floors, but it's the three... Someone else has got the underneath floor.

Okay, too much detail. So we can't dig down because... Oh but someone else has got the underneath floor. OK, too much detail. So we can't dig down because... Oh, if they've got the underneath floor, you don't have your stake in hell. I've got Earth's core, Frank. Have you got Earth's core? Yes. 100 Earth's core. Is that your address? Or is that just the address of your basement?

That's my soul. That's where my soul comes from. Does that mean I've got Skye? Oh, we don't have Skye, actually. I don't know, darling. My suggestion is you call someone and find out and they'll come and have a little look. I can't get Skye.

No, you don't own the Skye. No. No. No, no. OK. Think of the geese. We've got nine months of sewage work. The pipes, they're doing the pipes.

They're doing something to the pipes. Is this a pregnancy thing he's moving on to? Okay, so can you smell the sewage? We haven't smelled any sewage yet, but the end of the road is blocked off, so we have to drive out the other end. What do you mean? Oh, you can't use the other end? No you mean well oh you can't one route you can't

use the other end no we can't use one end how inconvenient yeah it is although you know we just drive around the other end i wouldn't say our our area has been turned into a hellhole no no it's been turned into a cul-de-sac to be be precise. The main problem in our area is children calling their parents by their first names. Yes, I'd say there's an epidemic in your area. Yeah, there is a lot of that. We are in the midst of a bit of a Brian May-type storm where I live.

Planning permission has been put in to build a dog spa. You are joking. I am not joking. I'm there. I love it. You love a dog spa? Do I? You don't have a dog. What's not to love?

Hot tub. See you there. Sun beds. They're particularly worried about the vent. What do you mean? There's a big vent with jettisons. A local doctor said that it would be jettisoning dog hair and dander, which is one of the best double acts I've ever seen.

Hello, I'm dog hair and I'm dander. Well, he's got a point. Well, he says that will be belched out onto the high street and he said it would threaten the life of asthmatics. Wow. Which is, you know... Like horses passing for cat. Yeah, exactly.

Coming for your partner. Yeah, so the dog spa has really, there's been a whole local movement against it. Save our area from dog spas. It's gone a bit hell hole. And Danda sounds like a dog dating

site. But they are offering, I noticed, fresh breath treatments is one of the things they offer for dogs. Oh, lovely. And also paw decuers. Paw decuers. You know what, that's not bad.

You know, I like a local company that's involved with ponds, but I don't think, I don't know if they're going to win the fight. They're quite strong, the local residents where I am. And if they go against the dog spa, they can be formidable. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What a comfy cushion this is.

Oh, no, it isn't. I didn't get one. So, I wanted to talk about my area, if that's OK with you. You're not being properly supportive of the cushions. So, I wanted to talk about my area, if that's okay with you. Okay. You're not being properly supportive, are the cushions. Okay. Well, this is going to be... Yeah, we were talking, Frank's got...

Take your jacket off, Karen. Frank's got a nasty pet cartel moving into the area. Well, I'm not saying it's nasty. No. You've got a sewer. You've got a sewer. I've got a sewer. My issue, which is to do with one neighbour, is when I'm sitting on my concrete patch...

Yeah. ..enjoying a lovely Nespresso every morning in my bath... Painting a beautiful picture of the modern world. ..in my bathrobe, sometimes my hair will be wet I've just washed, freshly washed no that's fair enough a few droplets of water what you need is Alex Ferguson

anyway I'm very calm it's the odd robin in the tree it's lovely suddenly the neighbour upstairs she decides to water the plants. I get what I'm calling a soil-based gunge tank over my head.

No. Yes. She's got hanging baskets. Yes. No, it's just the way she walks. But, so she lives above, does she? Yes. It's quite hard, though. It's quite hard to water the baskets without there being some overspill.

Well, what am I going to do? Wait, I mean, this is an issue again about what levels you're on, because if you're upstairs, you're allowed hanging baskets. Well, they're not very high. I have two levels, OK? You have two levels. Yeah. That's one more than I thought.

Thank you. OK. I have two levels. Yeah. That's one more than I thought. Thank you. Okay. I have two levels. She has one level. So she has the third level of the cake. I have the duplex. She's got the bride and groom. Yeah, exactly.

Okay. But I don't know what to do. I'll tell you how I deal with it, which won't come as a surprise to either of you. I go, and run indoors and slam the door. So, what do you suggest?

Should I confront her? Well, we're assuming, are we, that she didn't know you were down there. Can she see past the hanging baskets? Did you say she was a glamour model? Or have I added that?

Do you suspect she knew you were down there or do you think it was a genuine error? I don't know. Perhaps you two are a better place to answer that question. Well, I think you have to give her the B or the D, don't you? OK. Oh, I love that. I think you could say to her, you could go up and say,

listen, Kirsty. Is that her name? No. What if that had been? That would have been a brilliant moment. That would have been classic radio. Yeah. Let's call her Kirsty.

If you say, look, I know this was an accident, but when you watered your hanging baskets the other day, in the Daily Star. No, I got soaked. Now, obviously, you didn't know I was down there. What would be great if you could just have a look down and just check, you know, and I'm very happy to move if you absolutely have to do your basket.

Maybe she could have something that she shouts before she pours water out the windows. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. OK, I like that idea. Like Dickensian London, where they used to... Is that Geoff Lloyd next door? Oh, is it? He's a good idea. OK, I like that idea. Like Dickensian London, where they used to... Is that Geoff Lloyd next door? Oh, is it? He's a lovely man.

He is, isn't he? Oh, yeah. Thank God for that. I thought it was Leon Trotsky. Scared the hell out of me. Corbyn's Britain. Yeah, exactly. Trotsky's back.

Honestly, I mean, he's a handsome man, Trotsky, and Geoff Lloyd. But all he needs is one of those ice picks on a clamp, and that's his Halloween thing done. Sorted. I'll have a word. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, speaking of Brian's, Brian Blessed has been in the news.

I mean, this is an exclusive hot-off-the-presses-today story. Well, it isn't, because it's Saturday today. On Wednesday, it was hot-off-the-presses. I mean, everyone will know about it by Saturday. Yes. Maybe even we'll know whether it's true or not. Right, OK. But apparently

he delivered a baby in a park. Yes. He said he was on a programme with Libby Purvis. Yes. Is it Purves?

Or Purvis? No, it's Purvis. But he said that he had been brought up with there was a lady in a park this was apparently in 1963. This is when he was in Zed Cars. In Zed Cars. How brilliant is that? But he said that he had been brought up with... There was a lady in a park. This was apparently in 1963.

This is when he was in Zed Cars. In Zed Cars. How brilliant is that? Yeah, which was a... In case you don't know, it was an old cop show. British cop show. He was playing PC Fancy Smith. Was he? Oh, yes. Wow.

Fancy? That was a theme tune. Still play it at Everton to this day. They do. Fancy. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. That was a theme tune. Still play it at Everton to this day. They do. So go on. So he was, it was around 1963, and he saw, it was in Richmond Park,

not Richmond Park near me. No, I know Richmond Park. Next road over. I do. So that exists. Yeah, that part of it is true. There is the park. And he saw that viral with the dog, who I can't remember what it was called. What was it called, Daisy? Fenton. So that exists. Yeah, that part of it is true. There is the part. And where that viral with the dog,

who I can't remember what it was called. What was it called, Daisy? Fenton. Oh, Frank, you knew a viral. Yes. Frank, you were viral, everybody. Oh, my God. Yes, I don't know many, but I know that one.

Okay, Fenton. There was a woman having a baby under a tree, and there was no-one around. Oh, how lovely. How lovely! What's there something so simple about it? It's very biblical. It's like East of Eden. And he said he had been brought up with babies.

So many of us, I suppose, inevitably are. I remember being early on, quite a lot of babies around me. Yeah. And he was used to helping with babies, and he says he rushed across, I'm going to cut out many of the gross details he included. He does say, she knew me in Zed Cars. Well, that would have helped.

How actor is that? Yes. First thing, she knew me in Zed Cars. How did he know? Because he asked her. To be fair, though, it was big Zed Kass. And he was big in it. Oh, yeah. Big in everything.

He was clean shaven at the time. Really? Yeah. Wow. Just in case you were wondering how that went. He also says, which I don't think we should go into, because it's a bit Nick Grimshaw, but he does claim to have been involved on a very

intimate level, doesn't he? With the practical aspects of the baby. Yes, he just carried out the whole birthing process. He pulled it out and then he bit the umbilical cord. When Emily said

we won't go into the details, how were you reading that? But I feel that's important to tell people. And he said he licked the child's face. Oh! That was Fenton. That was almost certainly Fenton. Can I ask a question?

Mm-hm. Do we believe this story? Well, normally, why would you make up a thing like that? But, I mean, don't get me wrong, they might all be true. The last time I read anything by him in the paper, he was saying that he was a fully qualified cosmonaut

and had done over 800 hours training. Now, I suppose that could be true. I wonder if he's got mixed up with being in Flash Gordon. Now, he is 78, isn't he? Is he like that Viz character, Aldridge Pryor, Hopeless Liar? I don't even know that one. I hope he's not, because it's a brilliant story.

I shouldn't suggest that he's a telling the truth. I think he has lived quite an incredible life. He did climb Everest, and there's footage of that. So, I think he's a bloke who's done some remarkable things, so he thinks he might as well fill in the gaps with some other remarkable

things. I mean, I guess once you've climbed Everest, you then, everything else has to rise to meet that in between. Well, he told, I remember seeing him interviewed by Professor Brian Cox, and he said that he'd been in a MiG fighter, and they'd travelled so

fast that when he came back to Earth he was four seconds younger. Wow, how did he work that out? Did he measure his beard? I don't know, but Professor Brian Cox suggested that that was so much goth. I don't think that's true, Brian. I would find, whilst wearing a Paisley QI shirt, I would find living with Brian Blessed very exhausting. Because I think he'd go down to Lidl and something would happen.

A dinosaur came out and then I licked it. I mean, he wouldn't be able to do anything, would he? Someone's turned the light off next door. Saving money. It's probably the assassination being re-enacted. Do you know what I mean? As I say, I'm loathe to say it didn't happen, but I think it didn't happen. It's probably the assassination being reenacted. Do you know what I mean? Like I said, I'm loathe to say it didn't happen,

but I think it didn't happen. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So, we've heard from Dr. Worsley this week. She is a historian.

Lucy. Lucy Worsley. Worsley? Lucy Worsley. Cardinal Worsley. Cardinal Worsley's in there. Light review. Hey, guys.

CW here. How you doing? Oh, yes. Yes. Lucy Worsley. Yes. Sorry, I didn't know how to say that. But you see, if Alex Ferguson was here now,

he'd kick the life out of me. Yes. Beautifully put. That's the difference. Exactly. Yes. Anyway. So she says that romance is dead she's doing a new series all about romance

and history she says it's been killed by Tinder now that was Joan of Arc she was killed by Tinder she believes that getting together with people Now, that was Joan of Arc. She was killed by Tinder. Yes. Yeah, she believes that getting together with people

has become too easy nowadays and that it's when there are terrible obstacles between couples that romance thrives best. Oh. Unfortunately, I'm Catholic. We can't do that. That's what we call them, terrible obstacles. Oh, I couldn't live in a duplex.

She said that Austin's heroines worked hard to find the one by overcoming obstacles of social class, parental disapproval and the law. But these days it's far too easy for romance to flourish. You see? What is she talking about? She says, she seems to be suggesting it's turned people into sort of lazy daters who are less selective. I think there'll be a great many of our listeners thinking I beg to differ.

Yes, I would imagine so. I think it's quite tricky for people still. Yeah, look at the man in the one shirt. Yeah. My worry with Tinder, though, is that I don't have very efficient thumbs. Oh, really? So I feel I would, I might, what do you do?

Swipe or whatever? I don't know. Left and right swipe. Charlie, you probably know. I'd stop dating by the time that came out. She's in a relationship, she doesn't know. I think you, left or right swipe, but just say you press the wrong one, you could end up with John Sargent. Yeah, but you know, say you pressed the wrong one. You could end up with John Sargent. You know what I mean?

Celebrity. Or you can swipe up now as well. Did you know about that? You can swipe up for a mega like. Can you? Yeah. Well, I was working in the Triangle. Oh, there we go. No, it's an art house.

It's an art house cinema in Birmingham. And a woman came in to see a four-hour documentary about Russia. Yeah. And I thought this could be my kind of gal. She was attractive and stuff. So you couldn't just text. I don't think texting had been invented then. The pigeon was already out.

So I wrote a note and left it. I said, when that woman comes out of the film, because I was going to wait for four hours, can you give it to her? Didn't want to rush her. No. Excellent. And we, I said, meet me in the Sanso Art Gallery tomorrow. Art Gallery, you see. And

How lovely. And it worked. She turned on. Oh, Frank, that's so nice. So it was a bit more, I suppose having to be a bit more inventive like that. Yes, but then that's also because you're not remotely creepy. Um, thank you. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

I mean, I prefer if you wore all of your pyjamas, but apart from that. And how did she know it was you, though? Because I said I was at the box office I sold her the ticket so I said this is the box office man I said it's a woman I said it's the pretty one

pretty with blonde hair light moustache which she did have but I didn't have a problem with that but this is the age of Magnum P.I. Oh yeah We were all very free form It was all the rage then

But yeah it lasted nearly a fortnight. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just mention the other dating story I enjoyed this week? A woman kissed a man she met in a club. Anyway, thanks so much for joining us. There was a bit of a furore because there was a Facebook incident. She met this man.

She wanted to track him down. Oh, this is Pippa, isn't it? Exactly. She wanted to track him down and then it turned out, she shared it over 2,000 times and it turned out he had a girlfriend. And she said he had well nice eyes. So he ended up being exposed as a love rat, essentially. He wants to think himself lucky he didn't get too close to a woman

who'd shared it 2,000 times. It's an odd story, this. It is. It's the sort of thing, pre-social networking, these things went on all the time and no-one ever found out it was on. And now... Well, you find out much quicker because it's kind of like a jane austen story they've made a connection at a dance and um she

set her heart on this man and he seemed to be interested but then he found out that he was promised to another she is like the rogue but it has it's took or it's it's. It's a tough time for the philanderer, I must say. You wouldn't want to be a cheater right now. No. And also, it must be like what it was like for the criminal fraternity when street lighting came out. It had all been going so well, and then suddenly everybody knows your business.

Yeah, so I wasn't ach, I didn't, I wasn't aching with sympathy for Pippa. For Pippa? Oh, for Pippa? Oh, Freud. Don't do that. No. Why not? You didn't

imagine calling a child Pippa. Oh, lovely. Well, she was, she looks like a sort of one of those... She was a bit kiss and tell. She looks very internet, though. Very sort of cutesy. Who's that woman, Flozella or something? What's she called?

Zoella, darling. Zoella. I was thinking Flozella Benjamin. Yes, Zoella. She has that sort... You know, there's a quirky internet babe look. They've always got a high eyebrow, a messy bun, and a false eyelash. I, um...

Frank? Yes, I couldn't, um... So I don't think she'll be lonely. I'm still laughing about street lighting. I don't think she'll be lonely for long, let's put it that way. She also wore a T-shirt, and this puts me off people. Why wait till tomorrow, the t-shirt said. Reminded me of my dad

home brewing. Could never go the full duration. He would have just eaten the ingredients if we'd let him. She said she was gutted. She said, I'm gutted for myself, gutted for her and gutted for him. Why are you gutted for him?

God dear. Gutted for everyone. What a mess. Entrails galore. That's the name of my website. So yes, like I say, she's probably already, as this isn't live, she's probably already found a new man.

Good luck to them all in their lovely, youthful, testosterone-filled lives. Seems extraordinary. I mean, she says, oh, he seemed like a nice lad. He was kissing me in the club and then he asked me to a hotel. Or his mum's house. And then he asked her to the mum's house.

He said, you can come back to my mum's house if that isn't Cameron's Britain. Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.