The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Ee By Gum Corner

Episode Date: October 31, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's Halloween and the team discuss their plans. The show is sent a new email corner jingle and a team calendar is proposed! Also this week Frank went to see Bob Dylan, again!

frank skinner on absolute radio with the big bold flavor of hp sauce making breakfast legendary this is frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean and alan cochran you can text the show on 8 12 15 this morning if you fancy love to hear from you follow the show on twitter at frank on the radio like to hear from you email the show via Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Like to hear from you. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Please yourself. OK, that's the pecking order established. Free comms.

And now I'm going on holiday tomorrow, so I've got to establish the packing order. Oh, yeah. Are you really? No. No. It doesn't holiday, does it? No. I did once date't holiday, does it? No.

I did want to date someone who used to pack in outfits. So she would put... Oh, I do that. Outfit in a carry bag, outfit in a carry bag, and then put them all in the suitcase. I do that. Even down to smalls. Yeah, including...

Well, we weren't that close. But I think the whole outfit... Apparently it makes life easier. Yeah. But who wants an easy life? Text in. Not your calf, that's for sure. Text in and you could win £8 million on Absolute Radio.

No, you couldn't. Can I just say that you couldn't? Yeah. And even if you could, I wouldn't be party to it because it'd only ruin your life. Frank, I've got a personal matter I'd like to raise with you on air. OK. I feel I've somewhat forced, nay, coerced you into going to the cinema with me.

What happened was that I asked Frank if he'd like to go and see Spectre with me last week, and how did he respond, guys? He sort of went, yeah okay and so i asked him again i said well we should definitely go and see it maybe next week and frank said yeah yeah could do so i thought you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna contact his pa and nail him down yes so i sent his pa an email subject line my date with frank said, I would very much like to go to the cinema with Frank. Please tell me when he is

available for Spectre. You couldn't get out of it then? That's what I need in my life. I just can't be bothered to go anywhere or do anything anymore. So, no, you're quite right. I like there's an element of social frog marching

about it, but we are going to Spectre. Spectre to Rector! We are going to Spectre. I'd love to take a Rector to Spectre. Do you know any? Okay. If there's any Rectors listening, come with us.

We're going IMAX, aren't we? Yeah, we went IMAX. I said to her in the email, I said, the best seats. Get us the best seats. Oh, yeah, get the best seats. It's lovely. I said I'll pay. He did.

And she said, no, Emily's insisted she's pay. Yeah. Right. Is that what a PA does? This sort of stuff? Yeah. Like, books your cinema tickets. You haven't got a PA?

No, I haven't. How do you get here? I'm really... How tight are you? You don't got a PA? No, I haven't. How do you get here? I'm really... How tight are you? You don't have a PA. Wow. I hate that sort of Luddite approach to the modern world. Have you got a typewriter?

No. Okay. Yes, so we're going to Spectre tomorrow night. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So I yes, are we going to Spectre tomorrow night? Yeah. Right. So I'm going to go to that. Good. Sorry, I was going to say Inspector, but it sounded crude.

No, don't. Yeah, I felt uneasy. A man approached me, by the way, the other week. I was at a zoo. I was at a farm. Always somewhere, you, aren't you? He likes to be out. approached me by the way the other week i was at a zoo i was at a farm and uh somewhere you are he likes to be out i don't mind going out in the daylight i was you know i was genuinely shocked this morning when it was a bit lighter i'd forgot the other end of the bargain i i remember that it gets darker this time of the year

genuinely shocked and of course that's what we're doing it for. The farmers. Yes. It's the only reason. Yeah. Can you think of any other single profession that could get the clocks changed for their benefit? Watchmakers. People in the sex industry. Don't say I wouldn't mind it getting dark.

People in the sex industry. Getting dark a bit earlier. What about Eamon Holmes? I could start straight from. He could get it What about Eamon Holmes? I could start. I could start straight from... He could get it changed. Eamon Holmes, could he? Well, he says there's an early start. Doesn't he do the Sky News? So anyway, a bloke came up to me and he said,

sorry I took my audio, I've got two things. I just want to tell you, he said, I've read two books in my entire life. And he was not a young man. He said, I've read two books in my entire life. And he was not a young man. He said, I've read two books in my entire life. Angel Pavement by J.B. Priestley and your autobiography. And I thought, that's lovely, thank you very much.

But I have spent the whole time since thinking, why is the common denominator in these? I've never read Angel Pavement by J.B. Priestley. If anyone has, I'd love a J.B. Pricey. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to see Bob Dylan on Sunday, the Albert Hall. How's his hair?

Well, he had a hat on. He had, like, a cowboy hat on. Oh, he's gone edge. What books has he read? Did he come up and tell you what books he'd read? No, I bet he's read quite a few, hasn't he? Probably. Not all the way through, I wouldn't have thought.

No. First three chapters. He's a fly-by-night character. Then he's off. Tell me what he had got. What about this, Emily? You're our fashion correspondent. I'm saying a lot in this room.

He, um... He had trousers on with... I don't know why I don't... It's just art. I don't know why I don't... I've never really cashed in on this look. He had trousers on with a big stripe down the seam, the outside seam, you know?

Oh, yeah! You know, that sort of Quality Street look. Yes, I know that. Can I... It's a bit seam. Oh, yeah. You know, that sort of Quality Street look in trousers. Yes, I know that. Can I take... It's a bit Quality Street soldier, yeah. Can I take a more forensic role? I expected Emily to have asked this already, but what fabric were said trousers?

Are we talking tracksuit or denim? No, it was a suit. You've gone a bit Craig Revel Horwood on your old age. So it was a suit. So it had... I think the look he's after is sort of Mississippi riverboat gambler. Right.

So it's a three-quarter length jacket. Has it got a military edge to it? No, not really. But I think often, though, you get Mexican bandits in old films have a stripe down the side. Can I be honest? He's frighteningly on trend.

That was actually probably... It's probably about two seasons out, but never mind. That's class. He's 74. That's a pretty good shot. Yeah. The stripe down the seam was a huge look. Was he? For men? For everyone, love. Well, I miss that. Was it a different colour of stripe? Oh, yeah. Otherwise, I wouldn't have known it was there.

But on like a dinner jacket suit. You know when you see, like, Bruce Forsyth doing a song and dance man bit, and he's got an evening suit on, and he's got, like, a black silk seam down the outside? Yeah. Yeah. They get that, but this was a different colour.

Right. Anyway, I'm... No, I approve thoroughly. I'm thinking... What was the music like? We've discussed his hair and his trousers. Oh, never mind. It was very good

well I saw Bob Dylan in it who cares it's Bob Dylan I don't know any of his songs it's about the 12th time I've seen Bob Dylan and the first two or three

was brilliant and then he went through I saw about five when he was pretty terrible I saw one when every song he did he did the same tune he sang it the same

so honestly so we go lay lay lay lay lay across my breast bae when every song he did, he did the same tune. He sang it the same. So honestly, so he'd go, Lay, lay, lay, lay, lay across my breast bed. And then he went, How many Maroos and Musa men walk down before you call him a man? Hey, Mr Tambourine Man. Honestly, I'm not joking. I saw a guy the next day and I said,

Did you go to Dylan last night? And he said, Yes, I did. It was unbelievable. And that's what he's like. But he's doing a few... He brought out an album of great American songbook Sinatra covers. Right. So he's doing stuff like...

He's doing a Robbie Williams. I'll tell you what he did. What'll I do when you are far away? He did a birds of a feather thing, too. Yeah, exactly. Well, he's got the Dorian hair. And then he did The Good Life, which was a bit of a turn up. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh, I love it. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, he was... That shocked everybody. Oh, I love it. Yeah, it was... That shocked everybody. I was talking to some completist. They didn't normally do that live. That's just like an album thing. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, I saw Dylan on Sunday night at the Elbow. I love a Sunday night gig. Do you? Yes, they're my favourites, because I get quite optimistic about the parking. I can see that. A lot of the normal restrictions are just not there on a Sunday.

I do not favour a Sunday night gig, because I find either the gig or the travel time clashes with the broadcast episode of the Antiques Roadshow What haven't you got on demand? I'm not going to on demand the Antiques Roadshow, it's a programme you watch if you're in but I'm loathe to sky plus it

I think that says too much about myself You see that as a waste of percentage space Maybe, yeah, we're down to 11 we're not going to start playing with the Antiques Roadshow Oh my god People look like they're really upset about that Maybe, yeah, we're down to 11. We're not going to start playing with the Antiques Roadshow. Oh, my God. People look like they're really upset about that. So you found a parking space? Yeah, anyway, it was the best I've seen in for a long time,

but our standards are so low now. I mean, he's singing Frank Sinatra songs, and we all think it's all right. Yeah. He also has three microphones now, which was never really explained. Does he wear it round the neck? No, he has three, but not like... I thought he liked a harmonica, Bob Dillon.

He still plays the harmonica. To his credit, I once spoke to an actor who was a really good actor, and they'd been in the same play for about two years. And I said, how do you do that you know without going barmy he said the important thing is every time you say a line you have to make it as if you've never said it before in your life and that's what he's like playing the harmonica it honestly feels like it's a bloke thinking how does this how do they work, these things? And I like that. It gives it a bit of edge.

You know with that blowing in the wind one he did? Yes. Does he do that? I mean, that's obviously his big showstopper, one would imagine. Does he do that? Does he slip it in? He did do that. Or does he finish on it?

That was his encore, but with him at the grand piano. He doesn't play guitar anymore. Why not? There was various rumours about that. I think mainly because people really want him to. His entire career... Marky Smith? Yeah, I think they're of the same...

Marky Smith's a chip off of the old block, I think. Would you suggest there's something in common here, which is that they're all a bit of a git? Yeah, there is. Maybe it's gittery that attracts me but you know 74 75 we're singing that's just a song isn't it no no no i wonder if you had the three mics because when you get to 74 the sound starts coming out of various ruptures and tears in your in your body rather than coming just out your mouth right is that yeah. Is that possible? Maybe, yeah, yeah.

It's just seeping out of place. You know, like light shining through an old body stocking. I don't know if you've ever held one of your old body stockings up to a window. Not recently, no. Yeah, I find it exciting. Oh, I'm glad you had a nice time, darling. It was, it was, I went on my own because, you know, I don't know anyone who likes him really except me no me neither and also i've seen him uh because he's been so bad when i've

seen him recently it's okay i didn't feel i wanted to tell you i once took my girlfriend and at the end of it she said now listen we hadn't even left there were people you know eavesdropping never ever asked me to go to a bob dylan gig again those people people who loved him over here at it i felt so embarrassed you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8 a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio mobile apps and in, Frank, and some tweets. Yes, yes. Carl Patrick has tweeted us to say,

Saturday mornings just wouldn't be the same without a reference to parking. That's fair enough. It is a big part of my life. If I'm going anywhere, my first first thought is where will i be able to anyway where are we going to park on sunday we'll have to sort that out i'm worried about that oh don't worry i'll find somewhere i've got a very nice new car sundays i think it's sundays it's it's parking day that's why you suggested sunday because it's free parking i didn't suggest sunday i'm you know I don't have much availability. I'm not rowing with you about this.

That's why he's got a PA. Um, Judge Mental has tweeted us, I love this time of year. Time for the annual outing of Frank's Smashing Pumpkins joke. Marvellous. Oh, that was, um, I was at, was it the Brits? I think it might have been the Brits, but before I tarnished it by doing it myself.

Uh-huh. And it was an award ceremony anyway, and Ava Herzigova, do you remember her? Yes. I thought you were going to say Ava Gardner. Ava Herzigova. It was very, of the supermodels, she'd been my top three. Really? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's a nice choice. And she got up. Remember she was the super bra lady if you recall. Wonder bra even. One of those, yeah. I'm thinking of super bra

under the sea and in the air it can jerk. Yeah, I'm thinking super car. Anyway, she was the wonder bra lady and she got up and she just, she didn't do a speech, she just opened the envelope and said, smashing pumpkins. And I went, here, here.

And it got, I'd say more people laughed in here, in this room, than laughed in the entire place. It's like, I don't know whether there were nobody gone here or whether it was just that time. Fair, that's quality. It's that time where you just, you can't say that sort of thing anymore. But I mean, it had a sort of a

naive British seaside postcard feel to it rather than a seedy, dark side to it. If you say so. I think so. We've also had an email that, I'm not going to lie, I noticed come in whilst you were

telling your Bob Dylan story, and it seemed appropriate. It's about soap. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. I listened with interest to your discussion of the foil insignia on leather, imperial leather soap. I may not be the first to write to you about this, but the insignia used to sit over a metal plate by which

you could attach the soap to a special branded soap holder with a downward-facing magnet. The soap hung on this rather than stewing in a soggy mess in a soap dish. I was a tot at the time. I last used one at my granny's house. I'm now 40, but I vividly recall the satisfying click as it attached all the best cakes.

Yeah, someone did text us about this. I'm glad, though. It's worked as an aide-de-memoire, because my plan was to scale at eBay to see if one of the magnetic Uber plates still existed. Oh, yeah, a magnetic Uber plate. That would have been a good Christmas present for you. Pardon?

That would have been a good Christmas present for you. Yes. Well, it's not too late. I always struggle. I mean, there's only so much Doctor Who merchandise available. I know. Yeah, there is a really limited offering on that, isn't there? It is odd, though. I don't think I've ever been bored to Doctor Who anything that hasn't really

excited me. Even, like, you know, a sheet of stickers. Absolutely pathetic. I think it's good. It's good to have that one thing that people can't go wrong. It's like people who collect, you know, people who collect statuettes of mice. You know what they want.

Yeah. They're always happy for another one. Don't get me wrong, I despise that sort of people, but, I mean, at least they're easy to buy for. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't like to air our dirty laundry in public, but you two have been talking quite a lot about Halloween today.

Mm-hm. I wonder why. Yeah, that'll be the Halloween thing. You're both going to a party and, oh, I don't want to tell you what costume I've got. I don't want to tell you what costume I've got. Which one was me out of those two? Both. OK. Yeah, they were both you. He hasn't want to tell you what costume I've got. Which one of that was, which one was me out of those two? Both. Okay. Yeah, they were both you. He hasn't got to the impression of me yet. Weirdly,

you're delighted by that though, aren't you? It wasn't a bad impression. But, and I know this is going to sound a bit bar humbug here, but, and I do join in, like I take my kids up and down the street doing the trick-or-treating at Halloween.

I bet you do. But I don't really... Very sweet. You're not going to miss that one. Well, actually, I have misgivings about how much sugar we give away because I think, you know, they reckon that sugar is this generation's cigarettes,

don't they? I worry that... That's sausages, isn't it? No, it's been changed to sausages. There was a lot of bacon in the store yesterday. Killer sausages. That's a shame, because last year I gave out pigs in blankets at Halloween instead of sweets. Left over from

Christmas before, now you. I thought I was doing them a favour. Check yourself by day. But I mean, for all I walk up and down with the kids and do the trick-or-treating and whatever, I don't really get it. I don't understand how Halloween became so big, is it? I don't I don't really, and I don't really get it. I don't understand how Halloween became so big. Is it... I don't... And I don't want to be Bar Humbug, cos I'm not.

I'm a ray of sunshine in everyone's lives, and everyone knows that. You are. But can you explain it to me? Can I just do one thing before we go on? Yeah, sure. Pigs in blankets. Ah!

It just seemed to fit so perfectly. I didn't want to let it pass. There's nothing cuter than when you're desperate to get one of your little jokes out. I agree with that. What about my friend Sophie and she took her kids trick-or-treating once. I think they were in Chiswick or something and the family

brought them a glass of water. I mean, that is awful. What? They brought the glass of water as the treat. It's no sweets, nothing. Glass of water. Surely that means you egg their window. Surely that's what happens. If you were trick-or-treating in the Sahara Desert,

that'd be perfect, wouldn't it? Knock on some Bedouin's flap. But Chiswick, somewhat different. I would have expected a vol-au-vent. Well, exactly. Minimum. Minimum. But isn't that the point of it

That it's sort of like There's a slight air of menace to it You knock on the door, give me a treat Or I will play a trick upon you Isn't that the deal So why didn't they just egg them I'm not condoning egging people's windows Did they egg the Gestapo

When they did that I'm not sure Halloween's based on that They had a sort of a trick-and-treat knock-on-your-door-4-o'clock-in-the-morning thing going on. Frank and I, when we go to this party, there's a lot of effort involved, though, isn't there, Frank? You can't just get some, you know, nylon sheet, like you probably would.

You can't just put those plastic teeth in. Oh, no. I've been working on... Jonathan, um... I'm not going to lie, it's Jonathan Ross' party. Everyone knows that. Is he? Yes. Who did you think it was?

I don't know. The topic was cut off the email. So, yeah, he said to me, honestly, back in March, he said, what are you going as? I said, I don't know. This is honestly March. I remember it. I said, I haven't decided. And he went,. I remember it. I said, I haven't decided.

And he went, well, you better hurry up. Because he starts planning it then. Wow. See, I don't like to plan too far ahead in case I lose a limb in the interim. And then that might make me perfect for, you know, say, Long John Silver, par example. So don't come in early. That's one of my Halloween tips I can't hear the word crossfire

without thinking of the junior school urinal anyway what if they still do that kids don't text that in you're kidding me someone's explaining David Clifford says fickle treat

the idea is household decides whether to give a trick or treat glass of water would be a trick he says no I think he's really misread that I think it's trick or treat would be a trick, he says. Oh. No. No, I don't agree with that. I think he's really misread that. I think it's trick or treat, as in,

give us a treat or we're going to perform a trick upon you. Yes, I agree. I think that's the formal interpretation. I'd like to choose between you doing that thing with your thumb, woo, or... What, that? Yeah, oh, that's good. It's not great radio, I admit. No, it's not great radio.

For the benefit of the readers, Frank just wobbled his thumb in a slightly eerie, like, made it look a bit plasticky and sci-fi way. Yeah. I mean, trust me. He's painted an accurate pen picture. Terrifying, it was. What about this?

I was at home the other night on my own, and the intruder light went on. Oh. On my boxer shorts. Now, the intruder light went on in the garden. Oh, around the back. And I thought, well, no, just just at the front bit and there's not much room i know your front is peace so i thought uh if there's anyone there they're going to be pretty

close to the window oh so um i went up to i had blinds down so i crept up to the blinds and suddenly whisked them away but i I opened, hoping to catch somebody. And on the window, there was an enormous spider on a spider web. Wow. That my son had made at school and I didn't know was there. It absolutely scared the hell out of me. I just revealed this enormous spider at first thought. I felt my stomach knot

and my trousers sag. It was a terrible moment. Yeah, but you made me put my hair clip away earlier because you said, can you please get rid of that? It's upsetting me. It looks like a spider. Oh, it was... Yes, exactly. It was horrible. Even the bloke standing just outside the window

with the severed head. He looked absolutely terrified as well. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Go on. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We were just talking about Halloween because it's Halloween. Yeah. That's the thing. I mean, if people did want to text on 8-12-15, I'd be happy to know what I can make that's tasty out of the spare pumpkin because we are going to carve pumpkins. and isn't it disgusting to eat? Like, everybody that I've said to that I hate this wasted food.

I carved one at the weekend. Well, Kath carved it. I took the eyes, mouth and nose sections that had been removed, and I chewed on the raw pumpkin. You know, the inner shell. And I liked it raw. Are you okay with that? Thanks for that recipe.

I bet it was horrible. It's good for the kids. If anybody has a recipe involving heat and flavour, I would be delighted. It was very nice texture. Kids are going to be eating sweets tonight. Stig and the dump character foraging for pumpkins. I mean, you're a man of means.

I was thinking more of a curry or some kind of roasted pumpkin. No, I always think... Beautiful house you've got in a lovely, desirable area. You're sitting there eating raw pumpkins. What's wrong with you? You could afford a Chinese takeaway. I like... You could afford a Chinese takeaway.

You tell him. Oh, sweet and sour chicken balls. Well, exactly. What's nicer? Sweet and sour chicken balls or an old raw pumpkin? I know, but I can't every day. And also, what's it going to do with the eyes, nose and mouth? Good point.

Don't want to throw them in. What do you mean? You can't put them in a bin. No. Oh. Well, you could, I suppose, but it would seem wrong. It's the worst. But I don't get it.

And I know it sounds bar humbug, but you can't get bar humbug about stuff that's not... I honestly think that the reason that it's become popular in the United Kingdom, because obviously it was massive in the States... What, punking? No, Halloween. I like the way you say United Kingdom like you don't live here.

In the United Kingdom... Like an American newscaster in the United Kingdom. At least you didn't say, but in the States. Oh, I hate it when they say States. It was popular in the States, but I think in the United Kingdom. At least he didn't say, but in the States. Oh, I hate it when they say States. It was popular in the States, but I think in the United Kingdom it's really kicked on in the last 10 or 20 years. And I think it's partly because we need something to get excited about in between summer and Christmas, don't we?

Basically, there's all that summer sport, and then there's a huge chunk of time. I'll give you an example. Sorry to interrupt, Frank. No, go on. I'll give you an example. Strictly Come Dancing You're not sorry They need They need a reason

To put some costumes on They can't have movie night Every week For the whole winter Right up to Christmas Not on my watch I don't want those men Putting costumes on

I hate it when they have a When there's a film On the television That's a failure isn't it Yeah Especially if If there's a film on the television Before like 10 to 12

Yeah They've failed that channel Yeah What I mean is they get Unless it's a movie channel the television before like 10 to 12, they've failed that channel. Unless it's a movie channel. But like tonight on Strictly, they'll all be in goth and like, you know, they're all going to look like Alice Cooper, aren't they? But sometimes you put a TV on at like 7 o'clock on a Sunday, there's a film on or something like that, you think, oh, they've lost it.

Yeah, and that's really why we've come up with Halloween, isn't it? To do something in between. Well, I've encouraged've lost it. Yeah, and that's really why we've come up with Halloween, isn't it, to do something in between? Well, I've encouraged the Halloween thing. Have you? Because it's sidelined the slightly later celebration when the country celebrates torturing Roman Catholics. I was going to say, though, does Halloween

tally with your deeply held religious beliefs? No, I don't mind that. It's a celebration of the afterlife, one could say. It's bonfire night he's got problems with, isn't it? Bonfire night I have big problems with. And if there's anyone who's living in Lewis, it should be a shame to yourself.

And I don't mean the bloke from Inspector Morse. Anyone living in him. But, you know, live and let live. I think people get angry about the Halloween thing because it come from America. They always mention the it come from America,

as if that's a really terrible thing. Oh, like box sets, Frank. Imagine hating them because they come from America. Yeah, well, sitcoms. Yeah, but people have embraced, for example, the national obesity crisis. That's true. Surely that's an American influence.

Also another reason not to give your neighbours sweets, I would suggest. Knock, as I call it, the national obesity crisis. Maybe I'll come up with some new knock-knock jokes. Knock-knock, who's there? The national obesity crisis. Oh, you again. You're not going to get through this door.

You'll have to come round through the garage. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had quite a few pumpkin recipes. Oh, yeah. Tell Alan to make soup after he's finished with it and he could have toasted the seeds on a flat tray in the oven. I did that.

I did. That's what I did. I just remembered that. All right, calm down, dear. I put the seeds in a tray in the oven just to see what would happen. Is that your version of I carried a watermelon? And it was... They were all right. All right.

It was absolutely vile. No, it really wasn't. They were fine. Dried old seeds on a tray. Peter has texted, try Delia's... Pizza? That's my brand. No, Peter has texted, try Delia's pumpkin and goat's cheese lasagna.

It's fab. I will, Peter, but I'll have to look for some gluten-free lasagna sheets in the house. Why? I try and avoid the gluten. And then we've got 474, Al. What's happened to the north of Why? I try and avoid the gluten. And then we've got 474 out. What's happened to the north of England? Yeah. I try to avoid the gluten.

Oh, God. The killer sausage has sent people into an absolute... I still love the killer sausage, don't worry about that. I prefer the north in the old days. The killer sausage, that was my nickname at school. Yeah. High school. I like the north when the dogs just wandered the streets. Yeah. That was through and out.

Good times. I'd never seen a dog on its own until I was about 30. I used to go on the street, there'd be like 12 dogs coming the other way. Yeah, it was, they packed they packed very quickly. They ruled the night. The day and night.

Oh, the day as well. No one took the dog for a walk where I live. No one owned a lead. So you just let them out? You let them out and they went and they ran around in groups. The same principle applied to the children, presumably. Different times. I think there was lots of kids.

I never heard any of the devil dog attacks in those days. No. Why do people have more kids, maybe they, I don't know. Okay, 474 has texted us, quinces and pumpkin and some sugar is a closely matching pineapple. Delicious childhood memories. Quince. Yes. Yeah. Okay. I mean I haven't got loads of quince in the house but… Steve laughs No. Daisy just has the she has.

I think I've got a couple of DVDs of Quincy. Steve laughs That'll do then. Yeah. And I like Andy's… It's got a few odd recipes on it. Andy has texted, he's bringing us back down to earth. I might take my kids out with a turnip like I had to when I were a lad.

Apparently that's how it started, isn't it? Yeah. The turnip. I mean I do like a turnip. Yeah. But I just… Do you like a turnip like I had to when I were a lad. Apparently that's how it started, isn't it, the turnip? I mean, I do like a turnip. Yeah. Do you like a turnip? I do. I do favour a turnip. I don't.

On a jean? I don't like a turnip. Oh, you don't like a jean? No, I don't. On a jean or on a trouser. That's the point. Just get it right. No, it's a nice detail.

You don't get it. See, he's like I am about Halloween, but about turnips. You've only got to go to the chip shop four or five nights on the trot, and the turnips are full of salt. What are you ordering from the chip shop? Stringy old pumpkin? Look. Try the seeds thing.

They're all right. OK. Try it. My rejection of Halloweeneen it's not a full rejection i'm just saying i don't get it which i mean one minute you don't get it next minute you're carving pumpkins well that's that's because i don't like waste especially food waste upsets me but my mate said to me that he doesn't get city breaks he was just like i just don't get them i don't get why anybody would go on a city break what's the point i'm interested in what people do. And this might offend you, Frank,

but I feel like this about Bob Dylan. Do you remember that time you said on this show that you'd be happy if you never drank coffee again? You'd be exactly the same. I feel like that about Bob Dylan songs. Do you? If I never heard one again, I'd be exactly the same as I am now.

Oh, dear. It wouldn't make me sad. But we're all different. Yeah. We're all different. Yeah. We're all different. One thing I've never got is Spectacles wearer of the year. What is actually being rewarded there?

Is there some sort of... Do they wear them in a very neat sort of level? Yeah. It's the way they choose... Is it their facial symmetry? It's because... Is it a bad symmetry? They've turned a negative into an absolute positive.

They wear them with a flourish. Is it, though? Often, whenever I see it, it's just the most famous person who's been seen in glasses that year. Oh, Wincy Willis? Well, often it's people who... I'm not even convinced they wear glasses.

They're just... Can I say I like Wincy Willis? Mm-hm. Just in case she's listening. Hi, Wincy. OK just in case she's listening hi wincy okay i find she's very uh you've only got to move a bit faster and she's twitches quite a lot mate what about um i think there's a special category for um flamboyant lanyard use yeah in the spectacles where i think no No, but what's the achievement? What's the nature of the achievement of the spectacles wearer of the year?

Well, they're not all actual spectacles wearers, are they? Because I've seen me, shall he, and the light turning up with the spectacles. Well, when I was rear of the year, at least it was mine. It was your rear? It wasn't. I just wasn't, you know, I hadn't bought one that I was wearing. So that should be abolished. Oh, isn't it embarrassing when you always start,

when I was rearer of the year? Well, it's a great, that was one of the big things of my life. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I had an email, I'm assuming I've had this It's entitled Revolting Pumpkin Seeds

Hi Frank, last year in order to Oh no, it's to you Hi Frank, last year in order to avoid the tragic waste of pumpkin innards I baked them in the oven as per internet recipe instructions With a little olive oil and salt Far from resulting in a delicious but nutritious snack I was left with the prospect of nibbling on compost toenails as a

mid-morning snack for the next fortnight. See, I didn't look at any. I just felt it. Just whacked it in. I didn't use any oil. If you're going to use oil and salt, you might as well have a killer sausage. Good point. I just put it in and I just felt when they were ready and it's perfect.

223 has suggested the best treats to give on Halloween are toffee onions. Oh, that's a joke. Yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. A toffee onion. A chocolate-covered sprout as well, he suggested. Oh, I do like

a sprout. Have you ever apple-donked? Yeah. Good story, isn't it? I don't remember if I have or not. Next. I say I didn't know you weren't supposed to boil it. I don't like that. It's deeply unhygienic.

I think it's fine that I'm not that into Halloween because I have a new theory that there's only so many people that can be into certain things at the same time. Like football's a good example. Loads of people are into it but other things are lower tier profile like not everyone can be into halloween not everyone can be into table tennis i've recently had visitors and my mate used to be a keen ornithologist like two years ago you couldn't walk around without and going oh look there's a such and such and oh oh, it's a...

This time, not even looking. Didn't even look upwards once. He's just gone off it. OK. And I reckon what's happened is, in the time since I last saw him, somebody else has got really into ornithology, and he's just had to make way. Yeah, that happened to me with Eminem.

Yeah, exactly. There's only so many people that can be really into stuff. It didn't happen to you with The Fall, funnily enough. No, it could yet happen if they suddenly became massively popular. I'm still reading from Table Tennis. See, I'd say Table Tennis. Yeah, I'd say Table Tennis. What did he say?

What did I say? You said Table Tennis. Table Tennis. That's how I say it. Yeah. We're back to Svenja and Eriksson. World Cup. And the World Cup.

We're back to Star Wars, Frank. Yeah. We've all got our strange stresses. My mum and I said, why Mariner for the dog? Oh, embarrassing. Oh. We've had a text in as well. It's true.

In the 70s, people used to let their dogs and their children out to play in the morning and neither were expected back until tea time and they were not necessarily hanging out together kids would go play with other kids and dogs would go hang out with their dog friends that's from 234 it's absolutely true there was dogs everywhere you went there was dogs unaccompanied dogs walking about yeah i once got i suppose i was about uh 10 i got chased by a dog for like about a mile and a quarter it just kept coming this dog we run we were crossing roads running people were pointing you know chased by this dog couldn't happen now you see no no it'd be it's probably a good thing don't get me wrong but they had more

freedom my dog used to go and bark outside the butchers yeah andy kapp used to come and bring a bonnet which one was that shep or the other one isn't it sad the other one is a bit like the drummer in bros no one remembers his name that other dog it was all about shep wasn't it uh there was cal the whippy oh that's it but we uh and? There was Cal, the whippy. Oh, that's it. Oh, forget it. And then there was Tiny. He was a cross-breed. I think that's the full name of the dog. Oh, I didn't know about Tiny. Oh, he was first. Anyway, let's...

Okay. Probably enough for that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 363 has texted, Bross's drummer was called Craig Logan. I loved him in part because I thought the other two were out of my league. Dot, dot, dot.

And there's a whole tradition as well as liking the one that, you know, that isn't the most popular one in any sort of group or... Yeah, like me. ...double act or whatever. Oh, I was about to make a similar joke about me there. Frank wasn't about to make a similar joke about him. Wouldn't have worked with me, let's face it. What's so arrogant?

A lot of girls like Ringo for example in the oldies. And you know the girls who liked David Boudin instead of Rob Newman. It's showing that you're prepared to go a stage further. I don't know what David will think of that.

Rather go route one. I think he'd be all right with that. I think he'd admit that Rob Newman was better looking than him in those days. Oh, I think David had it going on. See, you're doing it. Trying to show you're a bit cleverer. We've all done it. Now, are you familiar with the phenomenon that is JSP?

I was thinking JPS is what we used to call John Player Specials. Oh. When I was a youth. Janet Street Porter. Oh, yes. That's what I call her. Oh, yeah. She had a bit of an incident with Oliver Murs recently.

Yes. Or rather, sheurs recently. Yes, or rather she didn't. No, she didn't. Would you care to... Yes, I know. Ollie was... Was he on Loose Women? He was on Loose Women. Ollie Murs was on Loose Women. Do you know Ollie Murs? No. Thanks for the tip. Yeah.

I like that we made Frank finish it now. Yeah. And he does that because he's not sure of the lyrics to some of his songs, so he goes... Frank, name an Olly Murs song. I won't and you can't make me. Oh, I love that one. Yeah, there'll be one.

Make up how you think it goes. I won't and you can't make me Since the last time, bro, you broke my heart. I won't and you can make me. Terrible song. Elvis Costello. Everything he sings sounds like Elvis Costello. Someone sent me a big Elvis Costello book today,

the autobiography. You know when you get a big book and you think, oh, I can imagine wallowing in this big book. Yeah. Oh, that's Brooke. That's Brooke. Yeah, so he went to kiss her low. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And she recoiled.

She said, no way. Coincidentally, I had a similar... Elvis Costello used to be with a woman from The Pogues. Oh, yes, I know who you mean. Called Cot. Oh.

Her name was. Unfortunately. And I met her, and I met him at his show, and I knew him a bit, and so I went to do the kiss thing with her, and she went, Oh, no! Good for her. But it's difficult, because he was a massive hero of mine so suddenly I'd had a real

awkward thing with someone who I really wanted to she sounds deeply neurotic so I phoned him up after and said, oh no I texted him rather and said I'm sorry about that thing with Kurt and he texted back

I think it's ok now, which just wasn't positive enough for my liking And he texted back, he said, I think it's okay now. Which just wasn't positive enough for my liking. So clearly it wasn't okay. So she was very much in the JSP camp. Which I have to say I have moved towards in later life. I'm so out of that camp, it's not true. Well, we'll come to this in a second,

because we're on commercial radio and we have certain obligations. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you remember years ago I said that I thought that one of the ways of getting an avalanche of text messages on the show was to get something a bit wrong. We've done that again. When you say we've, are you talking about me?

Well, I say we as a collective, because you got a thing, you mentioned the drummer in Bross, and then... I called Craig the drummer, and apparently he was the bassist. Well, I read a text message saying Bross's drummer was called Craig and I just thought it was true. And now we've had... I think I'm going to round it up. We've had a million texts saying

Luke Goss was the drummer for Bross. The drummer in Bross was not Craig Logan. He was the bass guitarist. Luke Goss was the drummer. People are still angry about this. Well, sorry. Good to know, though. Isn't it?

I think they were... When were they? I think they were in my drinking days, Bross. I virtually missed them completely. I would say 1988 through to about 1991. I remember them. It was a brief life. They had a sort of Hitler Youth vibe to them, didn't they?

Did they? Didn't they have that look? Two of them did, but the other one didn't fit in, did he? I don't mean that they were Nazis. I meant that they looked, they had that sort of Yes. Yeah. Sort of sound of music vibe, let's call it. Were they

actually blondes, or was that simulated? I think they were actually blonde. Well, can I be honest? That's pretty rare. That's them and Boris Johnson, that's it. Frank, one of them, let's just say he spends an awful lot of time in a fedora these days. Oh, yes, you're quite right. I've seen him in there. I think you looked up a YouTube clip of him.

Yeah, that's right. I remember. He's best known to yourself. I remember that. I think he had a crucifix earring and a fedora. Well, we all know what that means. Yes. It means he's bald as a badger.

It means he's Guy Fawkes. Meanwhile, can I defend the Janet Street Porter position that she took re-kissing people that she's only just meeting for the first time? You should say it, Al. She actually, her statement was, in Janet Street Porter world, there's one simple rule, I will greet you with a handshake only.

I think she said JSP world, which I love about her. Did she say JSP? She did say JSP world of leather. It's excellent of her. You see the handshake now, though? It feels such a dangerous thing to do in the age of major contamination. If I shake someone's hand now, I feel

that their hand's out of surface until I can get to a sink. I would never shake hands. What? I think they're... I a sink. I would never shake hands. What? I think they're... I avoid it. I hug people instead. Oh, no, you've got to be careful with a hug as well. They're clammy, they're riddled with bugs. I don't... No, never.

You've got to be careful with a hug. I saw a friend this week that I hadn't seen for a while and I went towards him for a hug. And most... Am I right here that most times when you go for a hug with an old friend, you go one arm under, one arm over? Um, you know what, I've never really... I don't, Frank, I go straight for the mouth, so what do you do? He went double unders.

Like you don't know. He went double unders. Like he was giving me a bear hug or something. I was expecting him to pick me up like a wrestling move. Did he slightly, yeah, raise you from the ground, that would have been good. Double unders, I nearly sprawled and took him down. I don't know, I don't know why. I mean, I don't hog that much, I'll be honest.

Well, you do me because I make you. I went to a meditation centre in Dorset and there was quite a thing about hogging, how to do it. And the idea was you put one knee in between their two knees. Was that when Cass tripped over the cauldron? No, no, she wasn't with me. OK. And you slightly bend your knees so that you become interlocked.

And then you, as you breathe out, they breathe in. That's the idea. So you become as one. Very intimate way of saying hello. I remember they said to me, I remember they said to me, and remember, no patting. So you don't pat them on the back while you're doing it.

It's a good rule. It is. There was two cows in the nearby field that looked absolutely outraged. No, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. Can we cut that? A lie, if you say. Oh, God, that changes everything. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

One thing I don't agree with JSP is that she said that when men kiss women, they're saying, I'm in control. Yes. I think she said both, actually. She said both genders. Like, the person starting the kissing thing is basically asserting yeah okay i find now if i meet like a very attractive woman and shake hands with her yeah i feel i'm saying i know this is quite a good opportunity but um you know what i've got

all the stuff in my life yeah so i think in a way I'm exerting my superiority by not taking that opportunity. Like, I don't need this. I've got, you know... Yeah. I've got DVDs and stuff at home. Yeah, but you're not creepy anyway, Frank. No, but I...

You're fortunate in that sense. I quite like the Japanese. You know, the bowing thing. Bowing is good. Yes, I like that. No contact. Why don't we do bowing? That's such a good idea. Shall we start it on Saturday mornings from now on we'll just have a bow?

It's not so good on radio. No, no, but when we meet people... OK, we'll bow to each other. When we have our breakfast and a chat over the papers, we'll begin with a bow. But to other people as well. There used to be a Trivial Pursuit question about how many Japanese people were in hospital? I'm sure this isn't a joke. No, they were in hospital.

How many Japanese people end up in hospital because of bowing injuries? Oh. Where they've clashed heads? I can't remember how many. It was an even number, almost certainly. Is this today's texting? We've been looking for one that wasn't pumpkin recipes. If anyone remembers that statistic.

I love a kiss hello. I met a homosexual friend of mine recently. Lovely. Shall we play a song? He kissed me on both cheeks and I like that. Oh. Do you know the man I bought my car off

I gave him a big old kiss this weekend and I called him baby. Yeah, I wouldn't do that with a man I bought my car off, I gave him a big old kiss this weekend. And I called him baby. Yeah, I wouldn't do that with a man I bought my car off. I think with a gay friend, you're sort of showing your, you know, all-Gods-children approach to life. You're so tolerant. Yeah, it makes me feel like, you know... You know Frank Liberty?

My other name. That's it. A bit more broad-minded than you might expect. That's what's coming out. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio, email the show via the absolute radio Webby I do like it when you call it Webby, it makes me laugh every time

there must be people who call it that, do they? you just in reference to we were talking about greeting people and whether, like Janet Street Porter we felt kissing wasn't acceptable. Tim has tweeted us to say,

a lick on each cheek instantly lets her know I'm a special guy. Oh, that's nice. The same way as with a kiss on each cheek as well, is that you don't know who's been kissing those cheeks before and what they've got. Do you know my main problem with a kiss on each cheek is, and it's a good problem to have, I've got very prominent cheekbones,

so I would say, you know, two or three times out of ten, when I kiss people on the cheek, I get a properly painful cheekbone clash. I'm thinking of wearing one of those guards that you occasionally see the Premier League wear. I'd say one of the worst things is kissing somebody if they're wearing a baseball cap. Yes.

Trying to get under the eaves. Well, you're going in too deep. Well, it's very hard to get under, under the eaves. Ricky laughs Well you're going in too deep. Well it's very, it's very hard to get. Kiss him right on the top of the head. Kiss him on the top of the hat. What about Bob Dylan in that old hat? I mean you can't get any purchase there. I can't imagine kissing Bob Dylan, that's the thing. Oh, don't talk to me then. Er, they're kissing you. Ricky and Steve laugh

What about this? What about... That's what he'd do, he'd kiss you on his cheek. Frank, I want to talk about this old biscuit. Not you. I'm talking about the old biscuit from the Titanic. Did you read about this?

It's 103 years old. And it sold Frank remembers it It sold recently For $23,000 I mean ridiculous It is ridiculous They could have got a whole packet for that

But it's not like It was on the Lifeboat was it? Is that right? It was part of theboat, was it? Is that right? Mm-hmm. I believe so, yeah. It was part of the sort of first aid kit. The survival kit. Yeah. I bet you the person who's bought that,

and it'll be a bloke, won't it? It won't be a woman or something. Oh, it's so a bloke. It'll be a bloke. I bet he was already thinking, oh, why did I buy that? What's he going to do with it? It's rubbish.

It's a rubbish biscuit in a tin thing. It's not like an interesting thing from the Titanic. It's a lot of money for an old cracker. Do you reckon it was a phone bid? That's what Frank's manager says about him. Do you reckon it's like the... Is this like the Uber Riches version of me buying a suitcase when I was drunk on eBay? Is that what it is?

What? It could have been that. Yeah, I love it. You know, have you ever bought, like, a shirt or something and then thought, actually, I'll try it on again at home and think I really don't like this. And what I do, I hang it really far back in the wardrobe as if I might forget it ever happened.

I really want it out of my life. I know that, Frank. But a biscuit, $23,000 for a 100-year-old biscuit. Yeah. Apparently, it's similar to a hot cross bun, so it's dried out. So that's why, because I thought it would have got a bit soggy down there. I can see it would have dried. Well, it was on the lifeboat.

It probably never went into the depths, did it? Oh, I don't know the details. Well, I like the idea of the bloke who bought it sitting at home with his wife one night watching the telly and then saying, hold on, where's the dog? Upstairs, just finishing it off. Oh, that'd be...

I know someone who bought, as a gift, they bought someone two stuffed bats framed and uh it got it was um from ebay and it was delivered and it got broken in transit the frame and um their cat they left in the cat at these two bats they were probably like 80 years old modified bats oh it went missing for three days and then yeah then came back do you know it slept upside down ever since no but it's true that and uh i i don't know it's probably embalming fluid and all that sort of stuff so the moral is don't let your pet would it. Would you eat it? Would I eat the biscuit? Yeah, that cracker.

I'd eat it only if I was in front of the bloke who'd pay 23 grand for it. I'd have a nibble. If you married him, if I got divorced from him, that's what I'd do. As I left with a flourish. I thought about this the other night.

If you have a little bit, it's fine. You know in the films when the bloke, the detective will lick his finger and then go, yeah, cyanide. So it must be all right to just have a little bit of anything. I mean, cyanide, if you can do it with cyanide, you see them doing it with, like, cocaine in films, they're like, yeah, OK.

So a little bit of 100-year-old biscuit. You know one of the many reasons I love Frank is that he says, you know in the films, how cute is that? I'll be saying that after Spectre. Yeah. Rector to Spectre! Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know when you get back from holiday and you've taken something with you, like, I don't know, like a big book or a hairdryer or a laptop and you haven't used it? Oh, yeah. And then you get back and you think, why did I carry that, lugged it around?

That's how the crew of the Titanic must have felt about the anchor. Oh, yeah. But if the anchor was for sale, that seems to me like to be a good thing to have, the anchor of the Titanic. Yeah. Do you get me? You know, we've had a text saying

can you stop saying the Titanic it's just Titanic so the anchor of Titanic I'm sorry I can't actually say that have a go I admit that that's probably correct well it's like that Ukraine the Ukraine thing

you've just got to go for what feels right but I had a friend who used to say Anunuk. Because it's supposed to be An, because it begins with a vowel. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like Anotel. Oh, yeah. No, but that doesn't begin with a vowel. Well, it technically does

because H does. Because the H is silent meant to be. There'll be more. Spelling-based commercial radio. Pocket grammar from France tomorrow night on Radio 4. And now a book

at bedtime. Professor Stephen Hawking reads Stig of the Dump. Oh, that I'd like to enjoy. He was a monkey child. Let's go to bed, shall we? What is that?

So, yes, I think it's... Could you eat it? Would it kill you? The biscuit? It probably wouldn't be great for you, but I imagine you could have a... I think you could have a nibble. It'd be safer than a sausage especially these days well I'm very neurotic about sell-by dates anyway are you oh of course I have oh you surprised me you two aren't get it down you know what I don't when

it says you know 22nd or whatever of the 10th 20 seconds no you seconds. No, you know what I mean. What time? They're not specific. Does that mean midnight it expires? No. Lunch time? I don't know. Who decides it? I've never met anyone who says, I do the sell-by dates on foodstuffs. No, that's a good point.

I used to, when I was on the dole, I used to buy, you know, one used to get in supermarkets and say, eat in 20 minutes. Oh, yeah. Before it goes off. You don't get that. I don't get it anymore but I used to.

I used to get them in the Saturday night. Yeah. In the glory days when supermarkets didn't open on a Sunday. They had to sell their stuff. But I'm careful now because I went to I flew to Mexico City and there was some

butter on the plane. And as soon as I tasted it, I thought, it's not right, is it? And I thought, I'd be fine. I'd be absolutely fine. So I'm vomiting in a Mexico City hotel room. I mean, absolutely feeling as bad as I've ever felt.

And Kath can't turn off the dance music that's been piped into the bathroom. She can't find it. I'm going, turn the music off! It was like the most terrible. And since then, I'm... Well, I am the Cliff Thorburn of Sell By Dates. You'll have to trust me on this. He was a very, very...

Oh, I know that. Very careful snooker player. Didn't take any risks at all. He was known as the. He was from Canada and his nickname was the Methodical Mountie. Which I always loved. Do the Mounties still exist? They never get mentioned anymore.

Now they go for quite a Bob Dylan trouser, don't they? They do. But I think a sort of Jodhpur, kind of. They look like they've got a lot in their pockets, the Mounties. I'll say. And what was their motto? Do you like my Mountie-based material? I love it. Do you remember

their... They always get their man. That's it. Like me. We always get our man. Yeah. No wonder in those trousers. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

So we were talking about the 103-year-old biscuit and it... It's a lovely pub, the 103-year-old biscuit. Yeah. Have you been in there? Love it. It rather neatly brings me on to something that I saw when I was eating out the other day and I'd like to bring it to your attention. I think this is eccentric behavior but

maybe it's just me and how i've been living and it's not at all were you on your own always mrs cockrell i was i was with the family we were having a brunch in a local public house that does food and um i happened to glance across and a guy at another table had a pot of tea and you know when they bring you a pot of tea and they also bring you a small little jug of milk? Oh, yeah. I've always poured tea black into the cup and then added milk. Yes? Pretty standard? Yeah.

I looked at this guy as he was pouring his tea and he was pouring milk tea out of the pot. There was milk in the pot? There was milk in the pot! Is that a thing the milk in the pot. There was milk in the pot! Is that, is that a thing? That's not a barrack. Because I've never seen that in all my life. So did he put milk in the pot? He'd put milk in a public use pot. Oh, thanks. Were there leaves in the pot? I don't think so.

Or bats? I think it was tea bags. There was milk in the pot. And teas in the pot. It was a, hang on, is that... Is that Louis Armstrong or Bob Dylan? That's what he sounds like now. What's his name? Oh, God, I've forgotten a guy's name now. That's embarrassing. What's his name?

Breakfast Radio, everyone. Yeah, yeah. I thought that was strange. I used to hang out with some Indian girls. Yes. What's funny about that? And they would say, do you fancy tea?

And they would put a saucepan on. Oh, yeah. And they would put milk, tea, everything in the saucepan, including a lot of sugar, like maybe seven or eight spoonfuls. That sounds lovely. And then mix it up and then pour it in through a strainer. So, you know, it makes a certain amount of sense, doesn't it? I suppose the inside of the teapot in a public teapot

is going to get a bit milky. Yeah, I just, it made me think that's an odd thing. I hate people who order tea when they're out. I hate people. Oh, no, I order tea when I'm out. What a waste of money. Make it yourself. It is easy, isn't it?

My mum orders tea and everywhere... You know, like Emily always orders food and says, no chives, whatever it is, whatever it is that she's ordered. No chives, please. No spring onions, no chives. My mum, whenever she orders tea when we're out, she'll always go, can I have a pot of tea? Can I have a wee pot of hot water, would it please?

Always. A wee pot of hot... And I think it's because she's trying to eke're out, she'll always go, can I have a pot of tea and can I have a wee pot of hot water with it, please? Always. A wee pot of hot, and I think it's because she's trying to eke it out, get an extra cup of tea out of it. It's all falling into place, isn't it? Totally. Yeah. Nobody's ever said no. A goodie bag for the tea bags.

Yeah, that's what it is. She'll take them home with her, the tea bags. A doggy bag, isn't it? That's what it is. She'll take them home with her, the tea bags. Doggie bag, isn't it? Yeah, doggy bag. That's what it's called. You see, I met a fool of myself. That's karma. See, what happened, it's a goodie bag, but I called it a...

No, it's a doggy bag. I did it again. I've met a fool of myself twice. Just twice, you say. It's a doggy bag, and I called it a goodie bag. That was... That wasn't me making a fool of myself. That was me reiterating me having already made a fool of myself the first time.

Phew. Frank? That same woman used to... What time are we going to Jonathan Ross's party? She used to thread in cafes. They're not wearing any of these ones. Do you know that? What?

She used to thread. Do you know threading? Oh, yeah, the eyebrow plucking. Oh, I love threading. Yeah, she used to do that. She'd just sit in a cafe and she'd just get the old cotton out and start threading. Have you ever done threading? I could do that today.

I've never seen other blokes do it. Yeah. Because you don't know it. It's like you make a cat's cradle kind of thing. I don't mean like, you know, out of cotton. And then you rub it around your top lip and it tears out the hairs. You could do your eyebrows with it too, though, eh? And I find after you've done it, if you then floss with the same cotton,

it's got a sort of brushiness to it, like a car wash. There's another little tip. And somebody recommended, what was they called? What? Oh, Hocus Pocus pumpkin pancakes. Look it up. That's the answer, apparently. They're spooky and they're gluten-free.

Hocus Pocus. Hocus Pocus. You'd like, you'd like, you'd like, you'd like, you'd like, you'd like. Rum pum pum. Oh. Oh. Oh. Do you remember that?

Oh, you don't remember it. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skin it. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we need to take a little stroll, Mr Liberty. Where to? Shall we go to email corner? Someone has sent us, actually.

Speaking of which, good thing to say, actually, speaking of which, good thing to say on Halloween, speaking of which, John Want from Staines sent us a, he said a couple of weeks ago Emily suggested that it was Alan's

turn to provide an email corner jingle. So I've put the enclosed jingle together, which I hope you like. And let's hear it. Me by Gum, Me by Gum, Me by Gum Mail Corner.

It's good, I like it. I like it. It's got a sort of 1960s Bonzo Dog Doodah band kind of feel to it. I really like it. I haven't heard that until now on air. Neither have I. I've never heard it before in my life. It's slightly psychedelic, slightly depressing.

Shall we try it again? Let's have it again. I'd like to hear it again. I think it could be a finishing bit to a track on Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts. Yes! I'll take that. Let's hear it. Me by gun, me by gun, me by gun, me by gun, me by gun, male corner. Oh, I like it.

Is that vibrato in my voice naturally, or is that something that they've added? You went a bit Robbie Williams, Dad. So that was that day you, remember you did the show in a biscuit tin, you just arrived in a big biscuit tin with a lid on. I do remember that, yeah. So anyway, we're in email corner.

Oh, I'm so pleased we've played that instead of my one. So, um... Look, I gave my one up a long time ago for you people Congratulations, Alan Well won Thanks very much To the victor, the spoils Yeah, Mazel Tov

Yeah, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon, guys This is an email from Mike Griffin He says, morning everyone Has the team ever considered putting out a Frank Skinner show calendar? Yes. Well, I have. Speak for myself. Sorry, carry on.

I think it would sell well. I don't. That's wrong. That first thing is wrong. I'd like to offer some suggestions for photos. Alan, for each of his four months, strikes a different karate pose, clad only in Frank's redundant pyjama trousers. Well, he's been listening, this bloke.

Good points. Emily, in her best Bib and Tucker, is pictured holding a jeroboam of champagne the next month with a triffid, then alongside a waxwork of Henry VIII, and finally holding up her birth certificate. Again, paying attention.

People are listening out there. American convict style. That's how I'd hold up my birth certificate. Again, paying attention. People are listening out there. American convict style. That's how I'd hold up my birth certificate. Oh, yeah. And Frank, wearing only his pyjama jacket a la Top Cat, would appear with a... Hashtag orcs. Not suitable for work.

Would appear with a succession of items cleverly placed to conceal his gentleman's excuse me. These might be, for instance, his ukulele, a West Brom scarf, his leather Christmas hat and the Peerless 125. That's a bit rude. The Peerless 125 is a fountain pen. Thanks for that, Mike.

How big a fountain pen is it? I don't know, where do I put the real ruby? You'd want it to be a Beryl Dobber pen, wouldn't you? Like one of those big pens to cover your modesty. I'm thinking one of those pencils you used to get from the seaside. Right. That's a really big one. The bigger, placeable one.

And a tassel on the end. Yeah. What happened to that? You don't want a Bucky's byro for that sort of thing. I'll tell you what's odd about that. I sometimes dream jokes. Do you do this, Al? No, I don't even think jokes during the day, me.

I keep a... I use the word me at the end of it. I don't know me. So I keep a notebook at the side of the bed and if I dream a joke, I write it down. I've been doing it for years. They're all rubbish. No, it's like when these people are drunk and they write. I dreamt I was with the 1960s sitcom actress Paula Wilcox,

and we were talking, and I was explaining a joke to her. And I said that I'd been to, I'd gone to a dance school to pick up my daughter. Right, this is it. I don't have a daughter, as you know. I'd gone to a dance school to pick up my daughter and they said,

oh, it's the last dance. They've just got the last dance to do and then they'll be ready. and I said how long's your gentleman's excuse me and it doesn't quite work as a joke I bet you thought it was brilliant when you woke up

for about four seconds I thought it was brilliant and there was another joke I had that we'd recorded something and it was so long we had to record it on and I couldn't remember what and it was so long we had to record it on, and I couldn't remember what the thing was. So that was that. Also...

Extraordinary story. Incidentally, on the story of clichés from this show... What about our calendar? We haven't talked about it. Can we come back to it? No, no, but he's gone to a list of things. No, but I want to do this, so we're coming back to it. But he's... You know, we have a thing called the idiotic eureka moment on this show

where you don't realise something's a pun or a joke for... Look, I had one the other day, which I think is a gold medal version of an idiotic... The fact that I didn't get this is almost beyond belief. What is it? I met Adil Ray. You know Adil Ray? He's an actor.

Yeah. And he plays Citizen Khan. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And as he spoke to me, Citizen Khan, it's probably series three now, I thought, that's a pun on Citizen Kane.

Oh, come on. You are kidding. I honestly hadn't got that. You are joking. I swear honestly hadn't got that. You are joking. I swear I hadn't got it. That's awful. I know. That, um, unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about this email that mooted the idea of us putting out a Frank Skinner show calendar and suggested photos. I'd like to just discuss the suggestion of Alan for each of his four months strikes a different karate pose.

I love that. However, I've not actually done karate for, let me think, 23 years or something. Do you do a hapkido? I don't do hapkido. You know, every time we talk about the martial arts, you guess at a different one that I do. It's funny. I don't currently do karate, but I would strike a karate pose. Yeah.

Can we, yeah, I do a little Brazilian jiu-jitsu. That's it. And I'm not good. But, you know, I'm learning. There must be a power to this. I love it when he goes. I've got a growth mindset. I love the faux modesty.

No, it's not faux modesty. I'm terrible. I'm frequently squashed. Brazilian jiu-jitsu, so they can't get a grip of you. Yeah. Well, you'd hope. But anyway, when he says clad only in Frank's redundant pyjama trousers, my problem with that is, you know, the sidekick and the gaping window in a pyjama trouser.

I couldn't wear a boxer short. I would have to wear some briefs, wouldn't I? Underneath your pyjama trousers. Oh, briefs are disgusting. Yes, maybe. As I've said before, for daytime I prefer boxer shorts, but for sporting activity I like to be held. I think the fly in my pyjama trousers has closed naturally over the years. It's like a healed wound. Yeah, I think the material's actually grafted together.

Are you a boxer's man, Frank? Yes. Lovely. Yeah, so that's my feeling about the karate poses for my four months. You can't reciprocate with a question like that from a lady. What? You know, about yourself. Hey!

Hey! Hey! No, you can't. You can't, especially if you do that. You get that aggressive, no. It makes it even worse, that. What about Frank wearing only his pyjama jacket and a top cap? Oh, yeah.

I mean, please. Anyway, music. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, the calendar. Absolutely. I think the calendar. Absolutely. I think the calendar should have 20 pages.

Why? And have about 18 days on each, so we don't fall for the oppressive 12ths. Right, let's do that. Because months, months, you know. Can we do the calendar? Absolutely. Who would want the calendar?

I wouldn't want it. Don't put yourself down. You wouldn't want it at all. I wouldn't have it in my house. I would. I'd be really proud of that. I might have it actually if you'd had 18 days. I could do with some publicity, come on. If you'd had 18 days on each page I might do it because that would appeal to me. Right, just to, uh, be, uh-

I mean, Melanie Sykes has got a calendar. I know we're not as famous- Shut up. Has she? We're not as famous as her but still Hang on a second I'll just write my to do list Melanie Sykes calendar Let me get this right I had a relationship with a bulldog

If we are to believe What we saw on the advert Was that Boddington's or Churchill Suggested that that was alright Should have to think it was on the calendar Chill out, folks. Wowee. Suggested that that was all right. Mm-hmm. Should have to think what's on the calendar. We know where the real ruby's going to go there.

Oh, cigarettes. It's all right smoking here, isn't it? Everyone's staring. Be fine. Who'll know? Do you ever get that with drivers in cars? They smell so much of cigarettes that it smells like they're smoking. Oh, yeah.

It's really incredible. So, yeah, we've come to the end of the show, have we? Is it over now? Okay, yes. Imagine if people ended professional shows like that. Is it over now? Imagine they did that on the news or something. It's a blessed release.

Thanks for listening this morning. Enjoy your Halloween. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? We'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out.