The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Eg. Trousers

Episode Date: August 31, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to a fair and appeared on 'Bake Off: Extra Slice' where he experienced some stony ground. The team discuss bumper cars and Ricky Hatton's steak disaster. Also find out whether Frank kept his promise about the Ashes....

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. The A-Team are back. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Very high pitched on email there If you don't mind me saying You know what Because email's becoming an archaic activity

I felt I wanted to give it a bit more zine To try and raise it up a bit You know what I'm saying Frank, quickie Alan's back from holiday And he's got that He's not back from holiday you see I've spent some time in Brighton He's been away But he's got that glow You's not back from holiday, you see. Well... I've spent some time in Brighton.

He's been away, but he's got that glow. You know when someone comes back with the glow? Oh, yeah. Sunburn. Yeah. Slight sunburn. Okay. How long were you in Brighton?

Tuesday till today. Oh. I thought you just went down for a gig, but you made it into a trip. No, no, I've got a couple of nights there. Oh, it's like when you down for a gig, but you made it into a trip. No, no, I've got a couple of nights there. Oh, it's like when you play Bournemouth in the Premier League and you go down there for the weekend and have a bit of fun. Very similar to that.

Nice idea. I feel like we're ignoring the elephant in the room somewhat. Well, I feel we're doing that thing. That's very flattering, thank you. Well, something to say about that. I'm afraid at home you won't get that joke to have explained. It's one of those jokes that you'll appreciate further down the line and it'll be worth so much more.

There was a thing that happened last week. I think we had an email, didn't we, about it? We did. We did. I mean, I was in absentia last week. You were? What's it like? I've never been there. Absentia last week. You were? What's it like? I've never been there.

Absentia. It's all right. It's not as good as Brighton. I imagine it's run by some tin pot dictator. Absentia. That's Aaron Anderton, apparently. A bit like, who's the, what's the name of the place in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Oh, yes.

It's like one of those Moldavia. Yeah, one of those places. Moldavia's real estate Moldova was in dynasty okay okay okay well I've just

I'm trying to not distract myself from the seagull but I do have an anecdote that I may pop back to at some point during the morning bookmark it can I put another tab

as I say I wasn't here last week dear Alan the DME and in this instance particularly Mr Skinner, long-time reader, first-time writer. I've just been listening to the podcast.

It's Tuesday today, this arrived. A mere three days since you broadcast the show, but in many ways a different world altogether. I've just heard a comment from Frank which I feel needs to be brought up. On Saturday, this may have been a throwaway comment that most readers will have forgotten, but could make the next show very interesting.

Frank mentioned a T-shirt he'd been gifted, something to do with the Ashes, and he pointed out that we weren't doing so well in our then current match. So poorly, in fact, he said he'd do the next show wearing just that T-shirt, should we win. I'll just leave that there. Praise, et cetera, 814.

And he's not alone. Although you might be feeling quite alone this morning because Ollie Wilton got in touch with us. If we win this match, I'll do next week's show in just this T-shirt. I look forward to seeing how the 1996 Rear of the Year is holding up. Oh, nice. I'm afraid it's broken away from its moorings. When we had a studio webcam, that could have changed the complexion.

I can't wait to see Em's face when Frank does next week's show in just his T-shirt, feel sorry for Emily and Alan after what was promised. It goes on. Yes. OK? Yes. When we won that game... The cricket.

You reached for the arsenic I had several dilemmas around the game because I didn't actually see the glorious ending live because I was lost in I was lost in Tottenham I was driving round and round Tottenham

looking for somewhere to park that was how I celebrated it ok sport on the radio but when I got an alert looking for somewhere to park. That was how I celebrated it. Okay. Sport on the radio is good, isn't it? But when I got an alert saying England have won, and I remember thinking, I bet people didn't even hear me say it. It was such a casual remark.

How could I have possibly thought that about radio? You know, sometimes we get texts saying oh, I like that joke that the other two are completely... Pick it on the slightest throwaway. That's what I love about it. So, you made a promise. Hoisted. I made a promise.

But I know the producers just handed you a fez, the miniature fez. I do hope there's not a week in there. Yeah, but it won't fit in there. Have you got a... Six and seven eighths, that last count. God's sake. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

There's some other interesting things going on this morning, though, Frank. Oh, not going on. E.G. Trousers. Hey! E.G. Trousers would be a great name for a character in an Oscar Wilde short story. My favourite is the gif

we got sent of Donald Dux. Yes, well, Donald Dux... Rear area. Donald Dux used to wear a sort of naval tunic with nothing on his lower part sort of a cropped bolero sailor jackito yeah and i there used to be a a comic a legendary circuit comic called malcolm hardy who sadly is no longer with us drowned in thames in fact and he um used to do a routine about Donald Duck, pointing out that in cartoons when Donald Duck had a bath,

he used to put a towel around his waist, even though for the rest of his life he just wore a short jacket. So it's something about the mirror, I think, that gave Donald Duck a terrible feeling of guilt. So anyway, so then I was in a situation where I think Emily contacted me. And Emily came to my house, actually. That's how desperate she was. And said, oh, I've had loads of tweets about you having to do it in just a T-shirt next week.

It was like a Cobra meeting. Well. Like, okay, okay everyone come on so um i yeah yeah but again thanks oh yeah uh so i what i did is i got in contact with um our um legal department no i was thought of with our esteemed leader i I think they said, whatever the term they used. Our divine esteemed leader. Yeah. Paul Sylvester, who's like Mr. Absolute in many ways. And he said to me, you can, because we have three, you know, we have not just Emily, but two female members of staff. And I thought, I don't know what the situation is.

Three ladies. Exactly. They like it. Well, that was my question. We can't assume that. Yeah, exactly. Three little maids from school. Three little maids.

We're probably making this work. But can I just say I got involved as they say in the East End and I did, you know, Frank was ever so sweet, Al he was very conscious of not putting anyone in an uncomfortable position, my response

to this was, yeah, nice try mate your face is on the tea towel now, you're doing it it's all done, but he was conscious, I did discuss it with the women folk here. We were absolutely set on him doing this. But I did get a directive. In fact, I couldn't completely carry out my thing. I had to wear pants.

And actually, the esteemed leader said they had to be boxers. It was an interesting distinction. Introducing an element of jeopardy, I would say. Yeah, you know, briefs. What about if I always wore briefs? Yeah, okay, I'm feeling a bit sick. I said you could do it. It just seems wrong wearing boxers for a cricket bet.

Good point. But anyway, I went with the boxers. Well, obviously, Gary Winston Lineker has set the precedent here. Yeah, but he basically wore football shorts, in my opinion. Whereas I've just put my usual boxers on. Have you? Oh, they sound nice. But I would have gone briefs

because briefs was nearer to the brief, so to speak. Yes. Right, the fez has been placed on your desk again. Yeah, I know. Am I going to get my face slapped during the music? Don't mention it again. Anyway, so I am, in fact,

I'm here in my t-shirt and pants. That's how I'm doing the show this month. It's as close as I could get in the current climate to carrying out my promise. Pigs or it didn't happen. Yeah. Well, you can certainly do pigs. That's fine.

I think I have to do my penance. As we say in the Catholic Church. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So anyway, I'm in my boxers and my T-shirt this morning, and that's it. So presumably for the uninitiated cricket person, there was what they call in the sport world an epic comeback, was there? There was an epic comeback, yes.

To be honest, when I said that, things weren't that bad, they were just bad. They got worse. Oh, did they? Yeah, it really looked worse. Certainly did this morning. If you want like a pretend knows nothing about cricket person, you could use me as that sort of fictional. Well, if you wanted a real one yeah but oh given that i when i was taken to lords with my father i ended up playing with

the rubbish yeah i was so i told you not to call the working class again you're so horrible so not entirely true well let me give you just to give you a general sense of how big a deal it was, I missed it live for family commitments, reasons and whatever. And one of the things I did the next day was I listened to the... They do a podcast of Test Match Special, which is the... What is it now? Five Live Extra show.

And I listened to that. I went out into the shops, listened to that, and I cried. Wow. I actually physically cried in the street because I was so moved by what had happened. It was basically when one person stands up and changes the world.

It was like that. Wow. So, you know, it happened with like, I don't know, Genghis Khan, Gandhi, and now Ben Stokes. Oh, yeah. Goodness me. He's in good company, isn't he? And, you know, TMS, Test Match Special, does it very well.

I know the BBC can be horrible to women and old age pensioners, but Test Match Special is exceptional. So just to give you, non-cricket then, a bit of it. So they needed 70-odd runs to beat their arch enemies, Australia, and there was only one wicket left, so all Australia had to do was get someone out, and they'd won. And they'd won the ashes, they'd won the whole thing.

It was all over. And Ben Stokes, probably the... Well, no, the best all-rounder in the world is at one end, so that's good. At the other end is a bloke called Jack Leach. Oh, yes, I've heard of him. Now, Jack Leach is a bowler and not known for his batting. He did get 90-odd against Ireland,

but everyone thought, well, he'll be out in seconds. And the great thing about him is that he... He terribly reminds me of your precursor, Gareth Richards. Right. If Gareth Richards was bald, he'd be like... And he's got that same manner. He's a very sort of funny but very mild-mannered, gentle bloke who you can imagine might have a train set.

Oh, yeah. So he was... At one end, you've got a bloke oozing testosterone, Ben Stokes, and at the other end, this bald bloke in glasses, it looks like he's come to ask Ben to keep the noise down at night. And they did it. And he faced, Jack Leach faced 15 deliveries, and he got one run. And it was a fabulous...

On the night after they'd won, they didn't go home. They stayed in the dressing room for ages and just soaked it up. And then they went out onto the pitch and the players sat around on the pitch and Jack Leach re-enacted his one run for them. There's footage of it. Can I say that's the sort of thing Frank would have done? What I liked about this, boys, is that it felt very much like one of those feel-good British films.

Just the narrative arc of it, which would definitely have Risa fans in it. I don't know if there are any more takers for who might star in it, but we know the kind of thing... Toby Jones is already a shoe-in. Jim Broadbent, maybe? Oh, yeah. And Risa fans would have clutched the trophy,

I'm not the one that's actually going to be, you know what I mean, the metaphorical trophy, and said, you beauty, in a Welsh accent, and kissed it at one point. Yeah, who would play Ben Stokes? Oh, A-12-15. I bet you don't know Charlie Drake. Of course I do.

My references are really, I need to update. Charlie Drake is one of my favourite all-time comedy heroes, I'll have you know. Hello, my darling. That was his catchphrase, which I think was picked up by someone in EastEnders, a middle-aged woman. Yeah, Charlie Drake famously was so unpopular

and so horrible to people, obviously I can identify with it, that they did a thing at the London Palladium when he had to be thrown through a bookcase because he did all his own stunts. So they just set up a bookcase, just like balanced with no screws in it. And then during the afternoon break,

two of the crew went in and screwed it all up. Live on television they threw him into the bookcase and it knocked him unconscious. Can you write that down? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say

we were talking about Charlie Drake earlier. I mean, we won't talk about him for too long, but he... I was just looking up some information about him. We found out he was how tall, Frank? Five foot one, did you say? Yes. I mean, I remember him as short, but yeah. And he appeared on This Is Your Life

and was given the Red Book at Not Palladium same as me but in a

rehearsal room he didn't get stage ok only the greats were done on This Is Your Life

that's not true actually they used to have weeks where it would be like a post lady from the

Outer Hebrides. One of those. Oh, did they? You know, the honours list. And you'd think, oh. Yeah. It's someone who's done real genuine good work. Someone at school who's actually helped people.

Yeah, exactly. The rest of an episode. Yeah, exactly. Have you ever been on This Is Your Life? I haven't, no. I haven't, so has Frank. Not as a subject, as a guest. So hurry up, love.

Yeah. Well, it's gone now, hasn't it? It's gone, but not forgotten. Not on this show, that's for sure. You'd think it would be possible to bring it back, wouldn't you? Who would host it? Have a meeting about it. You should host it.

You could get this away. Listen, this is how Doctor Who started. I don't think people... On air begging. People don't associate me with life. My worry about Frank doing it is he would just... You could do This Is Your Death and just talk to comics about awful gigs.

I'll tell you what I did think. He would be such a dick. Can you imagine Frank doing This Is Your Life and then you let... You did what? Why did you leave your wife? When I was on there, I remember thinking, because I was done at the London Palladium, as you say,

when Michael Aspel was the host. And when I was done, I remember thinking, this would be a hell of a show if you did a late night version and you brought on ex-girlfriends and people you'd upset in the past. That would be good. I mean, obviously, it had to be the old two if it was people who I worked with who didn't like me. But, yeah, it could be, you know what I mean, quite a hard...

Because the truth is that someone's life is not just about the people who love them. No. It's a bit like... Have you read Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game? No. I think as the books

progress, they have developed this idea of a person who goes to funerals and the week before the funeral, they go around and interview everyone

who knew this person and they put together a complete, people who didn't like them and everything, they put together a complete picture of their life and then this neutral person speaks at the funeral

and does like an objective view of who this person is. It won't catch on. No, I don't think so. Don't do it at mine, just so you know. People don't want that. No, I don't. Let's face it. OK. We've actually had an email entitled The've had an email uh entitled the get up challenge

hi frank emily and alan i was introduced this week to the get up challenge and wondered if news of it had found its way to you yet i heard about it from my husband i immediately thought frank would surely be a shoo-in to take part in this. You can imagine the disappointment when I found out it was not a challenge for people to be Gittish, but a dance challenge on TikTok, the social media platform currently in vogue, to a song called Get Up. Bit of a missed opportunity.

Maybe you could start a rival Git-based challenge. Long time reader. Oh, I don't read that bit. Jennifer. It would be a tough bit though, wouldn't it? I read that bit. Jennifer. It would be a tough bit, though, wouldn't it? I mean, just the guests. What would the guests be like?

I mean, doing a show with guests, you know, you get enough awkwardness, but if you're brought on, just if you only had gits on there, it would be... You're right. It's one of those ideas that seems appealing, but now you've drilled into the detail somewhat gittishly, if I may say. I once did a thing with Michael Winner, and he arrived. Oh, yeah.

And the director said, so you need to come in this... I said, wouldn't it be better if you come in from that direction? Because it's going to... And Michael Winner said, well, obviously it would. I mean, then he said to the director, I think you'd better let Frank direct it

because you obviously don't have any clue. And he really tore into this. Of course, I was tempted to say, calm down. I thought that was, you can't throw people's catchphrases back at them. No. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. So...

We weren't mid-anything, were we? Don't believe we were. I went to the fair. Oh, yeah. Very medieval. Yeah. With a Y. With a wench.

No, not with a Y. A proper one with an I. There was no craft for sale. I prefer a fair with an I. By the way, when you go to a craft fair, have you ever developed a method for moving away from a stall where you've looked at something? Oh, it's very difficult.

Do you not just make a sort of an assertive eye contact and go, thank you? No. No. I feel I have to do a dot, dot, dot as if I'm coming back. difficult do you not just make a sort of an assertive eye contact and go thank you no no i feel i have to do a dot dot dot as if i'm coming back yes thank you do right okay okay well we'll have a have a bit of a look around yeah in brackets we're not coming back i don't like any silver price close bracket have a bit of a look around that's right it's great and when i walk away i'll have a little look back to give them hope. The faux last look.

You know, on what I do, it's like a speed dating, isn't it? Because I go over, I did it recently at a food market, Frank. I was doing that. And it's because it's so personal. Normally you don't meet the manufacturer direct. No, yeah. It's better with a third party in between, isn't it? I'll keep that to yourself.

But there was a woman with some lovely mushroom pate and it was okay i realized as soon as i said that i love it but it was lovely she made it with curd cheese it was her own business you know what they say love your curds it was lovely but you know because she was saying it was a recipe my brother first made it and we were children i couldn't not buy it oh you see i've i've i'm upset by but not enough to spend money on so they're often all that stuff is always overpriced craft fairs and stuff you know the badge they've made out of um old teeth, all those things. It's interesting. They say, yes, it's just an £18.50.

And you want to throw it up the wall and smash it. But you go, okay, okay. Anyway, we're going to... We're just going to have a little browse and we'll be back in a minute. They always make you feel as if your purchase is the difference between their business continuing yeah and all that and uh buying us and then anyway i went to a fair which is not like that we have to win things all right i went to a proper fair oh excellent here's a question for you what is the the etiquette for bumping cars. Oh. There's always this weird idea

where the man, it's usually a man, suggests that you all have to ride around, drive around in a circle going in the same direction. But it is nothing unless you just turn around and drive headlong into someone, is it? Yeah, I think so. I would love to go on a bumper, have a bumper car experience where people just drove in an orderly fashion.

Well, I think, you see... I would enjoy that enormously. Isn't that just driving? Yeah, which would be nice. Not necessarily. Not for everyone, Al. All right. It's interesting because I said to the woman

after he was selling the tickets, I said, you see, I think it's rubbish, isn't it, if you all just drive around. You need to drive. She said, well, there's two views on this. Bumping cars or dodgums. And I thought, that's a good point. It's actually in the semantics there. If you see them as dodgums, then the idea is to avoid all that.

She's really thought it through. What I don't like about them is when I look up and I see that big hook at the top, which attaches it to the ceiling. I wish I had one of those in life at all times. It makes me feel safe. But I let Buzz drive, my seven-year-old, and he is so obsessed with driving headlong.

Is there a bit where everyone started going round? He just turned around and drove it into the wall. And I said, this is just, this is just, it's seeing the other person shake, and surely it's the joy of it. You know, I've got feelings. But I'd love to know if there is, because it's one of these weird things in life

where everyone pretends that the way to do it is to go around in a circle. But it is nothing unless you break the rules. We've had some missives in regarding dodgums and bumper cars. Oh, yeah. Have we got to the bottom of the actual etiquette? Well, one of our readers, Jazza, says bumper cars until the age of 11. Oh. And then it becomes dodgums.

Yeah, well, someone else says... Does that mean that's what you call them, or are you allowed to bump them? I think it's suggesting that up until that age, because Neil Shepperson says, try to avoid people in dodgyums and try and bump them in bumper cars, Frank. Surely the clue is in the question.

But they're one and the same vehicle, that's my point. Are they always, though? It's a rule set change, isn't it? You're suggesting it's like snooker and pool or something, aren't you? Except, I'll tell you what I think it is. I think that no one really adopts the rule. But if you didn't have a rule, then the bumping would feel less rebellious.

Yes. You'd feel less of a crazy maverick character if you were supposed to openly bump. So we have to live in this facade in the bumping car world that everyone's going to drive around in a thing. And it's just, it's so phony. I suppose, I mean, I loathe bumper cars and Dodgems. I think it might be the word. I loathe hydrangeas.

Madonna. Yes, it is. She said that when a fan gave her hydrangeas. Who said it? Madonna was given hydrangeas. Madonna is such a spiteful and pleasant person. Ah. Do you remember when that man had made...

It's one of my favourite quotes. I love hydrangeas. And she was heard, Frank, saying, whispering. She didn't realise she was Mike Topp, and she turned round to her aide at the press conference and she went, I love Hydrangeas. And she just said, oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

But do you remember when there was two gay men on Graham Norton's show and they'd made these, they'd got these dolls and they'd put them in different costumes of Madonna through the ages that they had made themselves. They obviously adored her.

And she was going, oh, well, I certainly wouldn't have and all that stuff and you thought, oh, please,

is what I thought. I know. So you love bumper cars. Yeah, the reason I don't like them is, well, I think fairly self-evident, they're vile, but I think what I don't like is... Concussion?

Well, exactly, the concussion. There's such a smug look that the drivers give you. Oh, yeah. I got you. And I think I've never got along with them because I always look horrified and upset when they bump into me. I don't play the bumper car game. Oh, yeah. I got you. And I think I've never got along with them because I always look horrified and upset when they bump into me. I don't play the bumper car game. I see.

You know, they're sort of, we're all in this together. Plus, I just always feel a bit concussed and headachy. Why would anyone do that? I must say I'm a bit of a fan. Really? Do you like the waltzer? I don't like the waltzer. I once had a very bad experience on the waltzer

when we were the only ones there. It was in, what's the seaside bit near Edinburgh? Portobello. Yeah, Portobello. And because I was on with three ladies. Oh, yeah. They like it. And the guy, because there were three ladies,

decided he was going to give it super spins on the waltzes. Oh, I hate it when they do that. And it was so... We were going so fast, I could barely read his tattoos, the man running it. And when I got off... You know when people say my legs turned to jelly? It was like I got off and I could barely stand.

I felt so sick. Horrible. I just don't want to put my life in their hands. I don't know if one could die on the waltz. I suppose your neck could snap like a carrot. A carrot? If you were thrown back and you weren't wearing a brace.

Wouldn't it be great to put a... I remember going on the teacups at Disneyland. Those I like. And even that made me feel a bit nauseous. I think my fairground ride days are behind me. Top three songs played at fairgrounds, always Love Cats, The Cure.

Oh, they love a bit of Love Cats. Right on time. Right on time. Alan, you're doing so well. But you know what has recently entered? What's recently entered? Go on. That Shotgun by George Ezra.

I noticed. Oh, yes. Yeah, that has completely took its place. Especially on the shooting range. And we've gone a bit 80s. If you had a shotgun, that would be easier, wouldn't it? Can I use my shotgun? Hold on, I'll check with Jean.

Boof! Oh, all the side cover out of a big cod leave box bunny. So here's the thing. I did bake off extra slice this week. Oh, how was it? Free cake? They never liked me. I never feel the audience like me.

They don't like you. Fine. I don't know. But anyway. Are you mean to them? No. Did you do anything mischievous? No, no.

That was lovely. That's a problem I have. It's a failing. Yeah, I tell you what. Someone had made a cake with cinder toffee. Ooh. Oh, that sounds nice. I associate cinder toffee with very much with my childhood.

I know you get crunchy cinder toffee. Oh, yeah. But that uncovered cinder toffee. Oh, yeah. My dad went to Blackpool for the Illuminations on the pub trip. Oh, hang on, I'm going to settle around the fireside. I love a Frank's dad story. Well, he used to come back with cinder toffee.

And I'm just thinking if kids now hear of cinder toffee, I don't think they know what a cinder is. No. And I couldn't think they know what a cinder is no and I couldn't think of it it's given I think it's called cinder toffee because it's got the same texture as burnt out coal as any no one uses coal anymore so I don't know what else has got that texture apart from my spine at my age I don't know cinder toffee I wouldn't know what to expect really with that to be honest.

You wouldn't know what to expect? No. Is it sort of toffee in cinders? Well it's toffee in with a cinder texture. I don't really eat cinders often so I wouldn't know. I don't have a sort of taste experience to compare it with. Do you see?

Yes. I mean you might have eaten coal more often than me. Well, I didn't eat them, but you could tell just by the handling, their texture. He also used to bring back a thing that I've never heard of in 20 odd years. He'd bring back a thing called

tiger knots. You aware of these? I don't. They were slightly stripy knots. And a sort of chewy texture. Oh, I have heard of that. They were slightly stripy knots. And a sort of chewy texture. Anyone, I know this is a bit Radio 2, but if anybody,

actually, that's not 2 anymore, I think Radio 2 has gone very up-to-date and modern. They'll be playing shotgun. They'll be playing shotgun. They'll be playing... Oh, they'll be playing shotgun. Ah, yes. So anyway, so meanwhile, back in the Bake Off studio... Yeah, well, that was basically...

Oh, was that it? That was basically, I went on and... You don't need that. You know what I did? I did my Chrissie Hynde Don't Get Meringue. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. Don't Get Meringue. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. I've always been very fond of.

Did they not? Oh, someone said earlier it didn't. We got a message, a missive in, saying they were upset that it landed on stony ground. Well, I'll tell you who it is. Bob Monkhouse told me many years ago that he had a joke. Drop some of that, Frank. Yeah.

told me many years ago that he had a joke... Drop some of that, Frank. Yeah. He had a joke that he used to use to test the audience. You need a dust buster on permanent call if you're going to be hanging out with us, do you, OK? So the joke was, I really love... Marcus and Spencer's are these really lovely animal-shaped biscuits and I absolutely love Marcus and Spencer's are these really lovely animal shaped biscuits

and I absolutely love them however I bought a tin and it said on it do not eat if the seal is broken and he said now if they laugh on that bit I know it's a good crowd they're really going to be with me

if I have to go and would you believe it then they're going to be with me if I have to go and would you believe it right then they're going to be alright and if I have to go the seal was actually broken it's going to be a night where it's going to be like wall climbing at the gym

thank god we're off to the right place and I said so I used to work for I used to be the runner for Chrissie Hynde and Jo Brand looked at me and I'm like I've never known who this is and I said I used to be the runner for Chrissie Hynde. Jo Brand looked at me and I'm like, I've never known who this is. And I said, I used to send that for cake

and she always, she didn't, I said, but you know, she didn't want me to get meringue. That was the first try. That was, no, I was pushing it. And I'd say, she used to say, when that didn't work, I'd say, she used to say to me, don't get meringue. And what happened then?

And in the end I had to me, don't get meringue. And what happened then? And in the end, I had to go, don't get meringue. You've actually seen it? I mean, I was two seconds away from a diagram. But I'd have had to have done it

in marzipan, which would have been messy. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Okay, have we heard from that which we refer to as the outside world? We've had various missives in. One that has just caught my eye this minute, 680, which I think may end up becoming a problem.

Hi, Frank. Only thing I can think of like cinder toffee would be bags of broken honeycomb chunks. Tony Prince, Andover, Hampshire. I think... And Julia in Wales says, we always called it bonfire toffee, very dark glass-like toffee. Oh, bonfire toffee. Very dark, glass-like toffee.

Oh, bonfire toffee, I think is... Is that not a different thing, like treacle toffee? Well, this is what it would have come in use for. When I was younger, my longest-held ambition for many years was to be a professor of sweeties. I thought that was a job. Oh, that's a good job. It probably is a sort of a job for someone.

I think it probably is. In a way, Margaret Thatcher went down that road as a chemistry professor for ice cream. Yes. She was... Mr. Whippy, I believe, she created. Because there's a suggestion that she sort of invented ice cream, but it was around before then.

I believe she suggested the sort of Mr. Whippy type formula. Do you think that's what she was doing with all that milk? She thought, just give it to me now. I know you're upset, but if you give it to me now, I'll bring it back in a much lovelier form. That's brilliant. New impressions. Have you got a David Bellamy, perhaps?

But it's a classic case of deferred gratification give me your milk I'll go away and I'll give you ice cream and I'll base it on my

hairstyle this is what happened so we've had some lovely comments as well in

support of you I mean I say that like you're some registered charity Cheryl just points out I watched you in extra slice you're one registered charity Cheryl just points

out I watched you an extra slice you were fine and dandy remember the audience is cake eccentric yeah he won't like fine and dandy I know why did I read that you were fine and also at the same level of comedy as the dandy Cheryl you were amazing. OK, next time. We've also had Maxine in COS sunbathing. TMI, Maxine? As a teen in the... She's in a... Isn't there a place called COS? Yeah, there's a place called COS, Frank.

So is she in COS or is she in a swimming COS? Oh. Sunbathing. I thought she was in a swimming COS. Right. This is when the comma comes in useful. I do apologise. As a teen in the 80s, I was at a fair

and stood on the side of the waltzers and stood too close and got knocked out by someone's head spinning on the waltzer. Whoa. Oh, wow. Of course, a FIFA rule. She'd have had to have stopped it straight away. Yes.

Crash of heads. Exactly. Yeah. And a slight change of subject, but 515 has texted with, I oft listen to your back catalogue of podcasts and enjoyed hearing the cockerel's birth on the show all those years ago.

One of his first weeks, Frank and Emily were talking about a social engagement they had both attended that week. The aforementioned cockerel said, looking forward to joining you on some of these jaunts as I get my feet under the table. Oh, no. Oh, it's so sad.

He says, it's the hub that kills you, Al. The hub Lenny in Liverpool, which I think is a fantastic message. Oh, dear. Oh, Frank, do you feel guilty? Oh, broken dreams. I do,

I feel terrible. I'd actually forgotten I ever had those dreams. That's how bad it's got. I'm really sorry, we really thought on those. I'd forgotten, I'd forgotten as well.

If I ever even registered them at all. Do you know, we've never even pretended to invite, we've never even done the dodge and pretend. to be fair,

he does live many, many miles away. He would always be welcome. And I do get about as well. Well, always is a big word. He'd be a lovely escort for us. Ta. Can I? Strangest compliment you ever had.

Yeah, a lovely escort. He's our car motoring correspondent. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. When I was driven in to town today, first of all, I got in the car, and the guy said,

I got in the car and the guy said, I said, okay, morning, all that. And he said, you're set. And I said, yeah. He said, okay. He said, good one, squire. And I thought, well, I haven't been called squire for a long time. And I thought, he doesn't seem like the type of bloke who would use that. Steadily. It took me about a minute to work out he'd said Golden Square, which is where

we're heading to. But anyway, as we came into London, what I believe is now called the BT Tower, which used to be the post office. It'll always be the post office tower to me. Oh, me too. The post office tower used to be the post office. It'll always be the post office tower to me.

Oh, me too. The post office tower used to be like one of the coolest, most sort of swinging London. There's one in Birmingham as well. How many are there? Are they in other cities as well? 8, 12, 15.

How many post office towers are there? Do you know of any others? I don't off the top of my head. I don't, no. But certainly there's one in Birmingham, one in London. That'll do it, won't it? That's covered in all the main cities.

Yeah. And it said, you know, there's a message centre, because it used to be, I don't think it still is, it used to be there was a revolving restaurant on top of the post office. Do you know that was a very 1960s thing, the concept of the revolving restaurant on top of the post office. Do you know, that was a very 1960s thing,

the concept of the revolving restaurant. Well, the whole thing is very 60s, especially if you call it the post office tower. It really does make me think of Carnaby Street and all. Especially as this morning, there was a message going around it that said, Good morning, London. And that's such...

I felt like I was driving into Radio 1 in my E-type Jaguar. Because it's so feeling groovy. That sounds good. Of course, when I got into the studio and took my trousers off, I felt even more like being at Radio 1 in the 60s. All right.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It seems to me that you lived your life Now, it seems to me, having recently been on a bumping car Oh yeah Bumping car? Yeah, that's what we always called them in Birmingham

We didn't call them bumper cars That's a good, because we called them dodgums And did't call them bumper cars. That's a good... Because we called them dodgums. And did you call them bumper cars? No, we called them dodgums. See, bumper cars is a neutral statement because they have got enormous bumpers. True. Aye?

And, um... Sorry, it's very hard to say. They have got enormous bumpers. But it did strike me that if your ordinary car had got bumpers like bumper cars, if you want to call them that, wouldn't that be good for road safety? Yeah, not so good for the aerodynamics, I don't think.

But that was slow people down. Yeah. I think we should think about that. Stephen Burgess, I can't remember if I shared this with you. Do forgive me if I have, but there are worse crimes. What about when you spin the wheel so much that the car just loses its mind and takes you all over the place? I don't know if I've ever tried that.

Oh, yeah, you must. I like the idea of the car having a mind that it's capable of losing. I think we all like that. I like... No, I think it's... Anyone who's seen Knight Rider is liable to fall for that, I think. Oh, yeah. I've never tried spinning the wheel. What happens exactly?

Oh, it has a real, you know, kerfuffle, the vehicle. Oh, now I feel like I want to get on one this afternoon. It gets itself in a right old spin, doesn't it? I don't want to wait. That is so local, policeman. The vehicle. The vehicle. Yeah, I don't think one vehicle can have a one vehicle kerfuffle, you're right.

I honestly think cars should have those bumpers. Need some other people involved for it to be a kerfuffle. You are I honestly think cars should have those bumpers. Need some other people involved for it to be a kerfuffle. You are? I think cars should have those bumpers. I suppose you'd get people riding on the back of their mates' cars the way people ride on the bumping thing. Yeah, and it's already going to be nightmarish once we have the automated cars

and people realise that it's programmed to stop if you step in front of it. People aren't going to wait to cross the road, they're just going to walk away. I don't know what it's like in Manchester, but London, people waiting to cross the road. That's disappeared. There's so much jaywalking. Stephen Burgess has got

in touch again. What? Calm down, dear. I think he's listening closely to the show, which I like. He refers to the post office tower. Always think of the goodies episode when the giant cat attacks the post office tower, which, when I watched it recently, was not one-eighth as funny as I remembered it as a child.

Well, comedy has to sell by, don't it? Yeah, I'd love a bit of goodies. Actually, we've had an email entitled post office tower. Dear Frankie baby, bit over-familiar, did they know that before the Post Office Tower was erected... Did they know? That's what it says. Just reading it as it's written.

Did they then say, after break, lassies, arrows? Did they know that before the Post Office Tower was erected, the tallest building in London for hundreds of years was... What? St Paul's Cathedral. Oh. Did they know that?? St Paul's Cathedral. Oh. Did they know that? I didn't know that.

Oh, well, they know us now. From at Chris Wren. By the way, the idea of having enormous bumpers on the car does go against the road safety thing. I was talking to a bloke who'd been involved in a big research thing about road safety. And he said that the safer people feel, the worse they drive.

He said that the seatbelt meant that careful drivers carried on driving carefully and reckless drivers got a little bit more reckless. That was the evidence of the time. He said if you want people to drive well, the best thing you could do is to have a six-inch nail sticking out the middle of the steering wheel.

Oh, wow. Wonderful idea. I think Boris might force that through. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Rido Rido? Absolute Rido I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

you can text them Hi You can text the show on 8.12.15 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm just writing a list of impressions you've done today, Margaret Thatcher and Radar. That's the last one I've got so far.

Have I missed any? I've watched that show. No, I think that's probably it. Frank's impressions. We've had... Can we just kick off things this hour with an email? Well, sure! I call this Retro Hour, so we're going email.

OK. This is from a long-time reader called Hannah. And I just want to remind you of something you did which is very characteristic of you, Frank. You gave some advice. You know, I refer often on this show to how you can't resist sometimes giving people notes after they've done a performance.

Well, when I see a show, when I see a show, I sometimes think, oh, that would have been, if they'd have just done that, that would have been evil. That would have got a laugh. Yeah.

But it's hard to fight that back. I didn't do it with Al because Al is slightly frightening as we know. Well actually you say you didn't do it with me but you've done it with me several times. He does it with everyone. I did it with Gareth recently Of course you did, you did it with everyone.

But I would say that Al and his Ben Stokes to Gareth Stout-Leach. And he actually texted me this week saying, I did that thing and it went really, really well. So thanks very much. Well, for someone bashful about it, you've given me several bits of advice.

I'm terribly sorry. This is called reinforcement of bad behaviour. Not that terrifying at all. Anyway, I also gave some post-show advice to Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yes. Is he Lord Webber now? Yes. Why doesn't he call himself Andrew Lord Webber?

Oh, that's good. Why hasn't he done that? Why do these people not have the ideas you have? I don't know. I'll mention that to him next time. He's going to be giving that as a note. Go back off to Phantom. Anyway.

Anyway, Hannah's got in touch. Well, I should give this background, because what happened is I went to see The Sound of Music with the lady who won How Do You Solve a Problem? I believe her name was Connie. Connie Fisher. Yeah. Which, can we just say, has been running a few years, though, as a musical.

Yes, yes. But it was exciting because it was the first time they'd done it with, like, a reality star person. And anyway, I felt that they rushed the curtain call a bit, so I told him after. And as I said, can I say just one thing to you? He said, please don't. And as I said, can I say just one thing to you? He said, please don't. And then I did anyway.

But you've always been curious to know whether he would take this advice. His entire manner suggested that he was so outraged that I'd made a suggestion. Yeah, which is absolutely reasonable on ALW's part. Hannah says, Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, listening to the podcast last week, I heard Frank mention the advice he gave Andrew Lloyd Webber about the curtain call for The Sound of Music,

which seemed to fall on somewhat stony ground. I was in that production at the Palladium and can reassure him that ALW did in fact change the curtain call and we never knew why. Splendid. Thanks for getting us called in for extra rehearsal, Frank. Praise redacted as per usual. Long time reader, Hannah. Hannah, I would love to know what your part was in that production. Yeah, me too. I'm intrigued. Also, when she thanks me for the extra rehearsal,

is that because they get paid or is it an ironic thing? No, it's ironic. I suspect it's an ironic thing. Yeah, because she was dragged in. Yeah, she was dragged in. You know what? I feel now that I've really affected something big. Do you know what I mean?

Right. I've changed history a little bit. You know you've had number one hits. I know, I know, but there is something like that. Thanks, Hannah. You've been at football games where the whole crowd has sang your song. That's true. You've changed an Andrew Lloyd Webber.

You know what it is? I know, but it's something that I've... I had a friend once who was in the army. Wow. And I know. And he was... This is how you hold a bayonet. He was in Berlin

for the British Army and he was near to the prison Spander where Rudolf Hess was. Oh yes. And he was on guard duty there and he raised his rifle and he got

Rudolf Hess in the sights of his rifle because rudolph else would sometimes come out of his cell they let him when the british were in charge they let him attend his garden and stuff like that russians were a bit stricter on him and he and he said if i he said i remember thinking if i pull the trigger now i'll i'll i'll go down in history. All I've got to do is squeeze this trigger and that's it. He said he gave me a real shudder I had to put the gun down because I felt like doing it. That's how I feel about changing. Oh, for goodness sake.

And through Lord Webber's curtain call. On Absolute Radio. I wanted to ask you about Ben Stokes' celebration news story. Because you know they've won the Ashes, you're aware of that? No, they haven't won the Ashes. They haven't won the Ashes. Did they win the test? They would have lost the Ashes if they'd lost that test.

What it means is the Ashes are still up for grabs. Is it the third test? Oh, so it continues. Well, there's two left. Ah. Old Trafford and the Oval. Yeah. So they were down but not out.

Well, they were virtually gone because it would have meant they couldn't... Because... Basically, they're through to judges' houses. Yeah. I don't get that reference any more than I get a cricket reference, to be honest. They were almost... All was lost and then he turned it around. I see. Anyway, there was a news story that he then celebrated

by getting an Uber to a drive-thru McDonald's and spending £55 on McDonald's burgers and Filet-O-Fish and other foodstuffs to share with his cricketing pals. Can I stop you there for a second? Please do. Inject some common sense into this ludicrous news story. Yes. You know, I think in Britain,

not amongst the sort of the sophisticates I hang around with now, but when I was growing up Adrian Childs we would we'd say fillet right fillet fillet or fish we'd say fillet

like if you got a fish fillet stuff like we'd say yeah yeah and then only when McDonald's emerged

with fillet did we all start saying fillet I never say and I still say fillet about other things right oh I see but you say fillet I Did we all start saying fillet? I never say, and I still say fillet about other things. Oh, I see what you say, fillet. I know what you mean. Well, I based my,

I mean, I think people tend to borrow the lexicon from the ad where there was, I don't know where he was from, the man, but he would say fillet or fish for my wife. Yeah. Do you recall him? I don't.

He became a legendary character. But it's the one area where I would say fillet without even questioning. Remember when Nestle's chocolate suddenly became Nestle? I do not. Yeah, well, it's like

it was sprung upon them. Do you know why the fillet fish was invented, Frank? I think you can guess. Is it because of vegetarians going to McDonald's? No, it's something a bit closer to your home. Oh, is it for Catholics on a Friday? It's your lot.

Oh, is it? They had to, I believe when the business started, they had to accommodate, they noticed they had no business on a Friday because of all your lot. Well, I didn't think we dominated that one. McDonald's sounds more like, you know, Presbyterian. Well, you were customers.

So do you think Ben says filet? He will do, won't he? Probably. He said 55 quid on McDonald's. Also, to his credit, he did get an Uber. If you remember when West Bromwich Albion were in Barcelona, they stole the taxi cab. They stole it?

Yeah. At least he... And just left it outside the hotel. Yeah. Yeah, so he's getting better, Ben. Yes. We won't talk about what Tony Adams... He said a great thing, he said

didn't he, he said there was filet of fish and quarter pounders flying everywhere. Oh that does sound great. I'll tell you what that made me think. Do cricketers have a predisposition to catch burgers that are flying through the air better than the

other sportsmen or dare I say the general population. Oh, definitely. Well, you say that. I did some lovely catching at Frank's this week. What was that thing we played with? No, we played a ball game with bars. What's that thing called?

Oh, it was great. I don't know what it was. He won it on the fair. It's like a ball that expands in midair. It was very complicated, though, because he kept saying, make the throw harder but not so hard

I can't catch it. No, no. It's very prescriptive on the throw. But we... Don't you think... Can I ask... You're a nutritionist.

I'm not. I'm not a nutritionist or a motoring correspondent. You're the closest I know. Barely. You're a medium. Oh, come on. You know, we are told in life often to listen to our bodies.

Oh, yeah. The instinct tells us, you know, that things like... What you crave. Yeah, that things like, you know, you lick a wound because there's something in saliva that actually helps to heal it. If we just listen to our instincts... Now, I don't know about you, but all my instincts tell me not to eat salad but to be in a situation where there's filet-o-fish and quarter pounders flying everywhere well how does if you look at him he's an incredible specimen Incredible specimen of a human being physically.

He's amazing. And yet what we know of him is the night before he was eating pasta in his pants at 10 o'clock when his wife turned up at the hotel. Really? Nothing wrong with being in your pants. He also started the day with two coffees. Yeah. And that was it. And he had two Yorkies with biscuit and raisin,

which I think sounds a bit soz and softy to me. What's up with traditional Yorkies? What I like for Yorkies is up until, I think about seven years ago, I think they had a slogan which is not for girls. Yes. Really? They did, yeah. That's the Yorkie word.

Wow. It was the lorry driver snack, wasn't it? It was. It was, yeah. But didn't he have knock-off Nando's? What does that mean? You know. Does it mean stolen?

No, it's like, you know those like the equivalent of Dixie Fried Chicken? So it'll be something like, I've seen one called Perry Perry. Right. I think there's a Nambos as well. Oh, I see. With a red cockerel. I see. So there'll be one called like Grandos. There is one, I think there's a Nambos as well with a red cockerel so there'll be one called Grandos

there is one I think oh it wasn't even it didn't even go authentic it's like Perry Chicken House it just suggests to me that all this stuff if it can turn you into someone as physically

amazing as Ben Stokes then maybe the dieticians have got it wrong. Agreed. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If we can just jump back to a previous topic that we've covered. We've got a lot of players spinning on this show. We do what we love.

I'd like to do that as well. So, come on now. Email TigerNutsAndBurningCoal. Rather pedantic. Two of the best golf nuts and burning coal. Rather pedantic. Two of the best golfers I ever saw. Rather pedantic, but Frank said tiger nuts were sort of striped, but they were more wrinkled than striped. Well, they were wrinkled.

A bit like a prune, but obviously not as large. As for Frank saying no one burns coal anymore, I do, and I have seven open fires, but unfortunately no servants to clean out the cinders. Seven open fires? You're a cyclist. Yeah, yeah. Eccentric millionaire listening to the show

in a country pile, as they say. Call me. Wow. Mick McDermott has got in touch. Sounds like a wrestler. He has a fillet of fish on a fry. What was it Michelle McManor said about Daniel O'Donnell?

Big fan of the Catholic Church. Goes mental. Goes mental for the Catholic Church. Mick McDermott says, I once went on the dodgems at Nottingham Goose Fair and the tattooed bloke in charge was so fearsome we all drove round in a single file circle for five minutes. But he was probably contemptuous of that

because he believed in violence in all its manifestations. Well, exactly. I don't think we can judge him on that. Nottingham Goose Fair, that's been going a while, hasn't it? Hasn't it? Oh. Long time. I think Robin Hood used to go to that.

I think so. I bet he drove straight up people. Yeah. The rich, anyway. Only the rich, yeah. Yeah, and he gave in to the poor. Gave away to the poor. It's a misreading of him.

Yeah. We were discussing the Ben Stokes story for anybody just joining us Ben Stokes on reprieving the England cricket team went for a McDonald's in an Uber and

spent £55, the bit I like about this story, it's a lot of McDonald's isn't it a lot of McDonald's and a lot of largeness in this story, I like the fact that he spent £... It's a lot of McDonald's, isn't it, by the way? A lot of McDonald's and a lot of largeness in this story. I like the fact that he spent 55 quid, which is a lot for a McDonald's. McDonald's has got, like, big Macs. I think he had other cricketers with him.

Going large. Not so much largeness as largesse. No, I think... Joe Root. As if to make it even more big, they went there in an Uber. Yeah. Yes.

You know Uber? I'm glad they didn't drive. It's a worth of Uber. I also like... Yeah, sorry. Frank. You know Uber. I'm glad they didn't drive. It's a worth of Uber. I also like. Yeah, sorry. Frank's just got it. I'm sorry, Al. When, I like when

he got home, his wife said, oh, so we've been to McDonald's, have we? Wow. Which again, was very sort of

wife in the British biopic. Exactly. Who would be played by, who are we going to go? Maybe the nice lady in Gavin and Stacey, the blonde lady. Oh, yeah. Or maybe a Jane Horrocks. But anyway, she replied, I like that she did the wife thing.

What's great about that is the bloke has come back from one of the greatest innings of all time. And the first thing she says, I've been to McDonald's. But that's it, got to keep his feet on the ground. It reminded me of the big eating feast and having the knock-off Nando's and the Yorkies. Yes. Remember Barfly, that Mickey Rourke film,

which I've always loved, loved He's in for a fight And so he breaks into someone's flat And eats everything in their fridge For fuel And he's literally opening packets Of raw meat And just eats it Oh man, we've all done it

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio When Ben Stokes let's hope this day is a long way off when he finally passes away do you think the headline will be Ben Crokes? Is that how low the tabloids will have gone by then?

How many Andy McNabs do you think he's got? He's red? Oh I think most of them Oh do you like an Andy McNabs do you think he's got that he's read yeah oh I think most of them oh do you think oh does he like an Andy McNab I have no idea but he must like an Andy McNab

favourite film I wonder well Al you're quite good Bourne Identity I feel so good at this I'm just picking my own I'm giving this to Al he's got it

he's got it the Flashman novels. He's probably too young for Rambo, isn't he? So it'll be the board identity. No, board identity is the millennial version. Have you ever read any Flashman novels? No, but I know a few people that rave about them. Yeah, I read one once.

It's really got lots of history in it. People love it. But it's based on the school bully from Tom... I mean, can he get a spin-off? Oh, you like a school bully? Yeah, I do. He doesn't, by the way. Don't write in.

He does. You don't get many spin-offs based on the school bully. There was no group of steps and... We have rights, too. Another gap in the market uncovered by Skinner. Frank, the much-neg much neglected section of society, the school bully. Exactly. Can we please talk about Ricky Hatton?

While we're on the subject of sportsmen and diets. Hitman? Yeah. Hitman, Ricky, is he Ricky Hitman Hatton? Yes. Well, he was. Oh, okay. I suppose he always will be.

He's no longer, yeah. He went on holiday he was. Oh, okay. I suppose he always will be. He's no longer... Yeah. He went on holiday to Mykonos this week. He was with his girlfriend, who apparently is known affectionately as the Fun Police. Huh? He calls her the Fun Police. Oh, that is brilliant.

Come on. All right, but PC Brigade won't like that. Eminence choking on their falafels. I have to say, she hasn't always been rigorous in her policing. Nevertheless. She prefers a lesser-fair attitude to policing. But did you see, he posted on social media, he was doing updates about his holiday,

and it was a bit strange because the newspapers then reported on it. I'm not saying he was promoting the resort necessarily. I would never suggest that. But it did say in the news report with the airport only three miles away, these luxury

villas are very close to the centre and it's the perfect spot to see the island in all its glory. Now that feels a bit odd to me, I'm just saying. But you wouldn't promote a resort by saying it's stupidly expensive. No, he didn't eat

the food there, you see. He ate it at a restaurant. We should explain what happened. We should. Al, over to you. He ordered some food. It was Kobe beef ribeye. Kobe is, I think, the cow that gets, like, posh beer and a shoulder massage and stuff like that. Does it?

I think so, yeah. Yeah, they give it a lovely life, so the meat's nice. So they have a lovely life. I will eat that. I don't want to eat an animal that's had a better life than life. I will eat that. I don't want, I want to eat an animal that's had a better life than me and many of my friends, I don't think that's fair. Maybe that's the only animals we should

eat, that we eat out of bitterness. Well that's making me, well I don't want to say that, but if I'm ever, if something terrible happens and I'm ever on a desert island who should go first? I mean, I'm just saying. Good luck to the aristocracy. Well I was at a... I'm going to them first. I mean, I'm just saying. Good luck to the aristocracy. Well, I was at a... I'm going to them first.

I was at a posh restaurant recently and on the bill it said rare breed pork chops. And I thought, well, don't bring that up. Don't bring that up. That's obviously, that's put me off. Don't mention that it's a rare breed pork chop. That's what puts the price up. How much was the steak, Al? I thought, you don't mention that it's a rare breed. That's what puts the price up.

How much was the steak, Al? It turned out to be €920, £834. £834. Can we just say hats off? That's £1,500 after October 31st, by the way. Can we just quickly say hats off to all the tabloids for avoiding the headline mistake. Expensive mistake. I think you'll find hats on. Oh, very good.

You can keep your hat on. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've just received another bit that I think is important because of the many spinning plates of this show. Entitled BT Tower, there's still a revolving restaurant at the top of the BT Tower. Is there?

Available for private hire and use for BT events. Great views so long as it's not too cloudy. Sarah, brackets, BT employee, so she should know. Oh, so you couldn't... Because I did a charity phoning thing there once. Of course you did. Yeah. But not just me.

Yes, I remember that. I think you and Adrian did it. Was it a telethon thing? I loved a telethon. It was, yeah, I think Artira was in there. Poppy Delevingne. Poppy Delevingne. Nearly.

Yeah, she was there. Frank, so this Ricky Hatton. Well, can I ask a question so this Ricky Hatton can I ask a question about the Ricky Hatton sure he ordered this day he ordered he ordered

he always he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets

he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets he always gets Did he? I know. I'll tell you exactly. What did they give him? The ladies' menu. Do you remember that? For the fun police. The ladies' menu for our younger readers. There used to be a menu you could get with no prices on it.

Still have it. That one was given to the ladies. They still have it at certain old-fashioned clubs. But you wouldn't give it to the hitman, surely. Well, what, the fun police wouldn't have that. No. He said, Ricky said, I just ordered it, didn't look. Ha ha. The bill came and the fun

police started laughing. Imagine if that was just your name. You'd had no say in it. It worries me. Is it on her bank account? It's an element of the boobie. God bless. TFP. Is it on her bank account? It's an element of the boobie. God bless. TFP.

I wouldn't want that as my... I bet she gets... That's her name now. Yeah. I sense, though, you have warm to it. I'm coming round now. There is something brilliant about it, even though it's obviously terrible in some other aspects. He also had...

He spent £450 on a bottle of champagne, which I noticed the son didn't question. That wasn't a clerical error, that was just a choice. He was known as Ricky Fatten during his career. Because he used to do this thing, he was light welterweight.

So was he, yeah. So in order to fight, you'd have to be oh god, I don have to be about ten stone that could be wrong but anyway so often what fighters do is they they let themselves go a bit in between fights

they have a phrase they call their walking around they walk around it I wouldn't know all this I know quite a few people that would talk about how they walk around at a certain weight. Yeah. Well, Anthony Joshua looked in lovely shape when we met him. Well, he's probably more disciplined. He probably

walks around at his fight weight. Yeah, but the thing is... It's a waste on us. You should have met him. Ricky wasn't in the same postcode as his fighting weights during that. He incredibly would just, I mean, he would put, you know, a lot of weight on.

Pile on the pounds. And then get it all off again, ready for the fight. That's a shame. So I'm not surprised that he's ordered some big steaks. He loves a steak. Well, the most expensive steak I ever ordered, I got into a little bit of trouble. This would have been a good texting. Most expensive steak I ever ordered. I got into a little bit of trouble. This would have been a good texting.

Most expensive steak you ever ordered. I went to a very expensive restaurant. I took Beyonce's PR out to dinner. And he had expensive tastes, unsurprisingly. The steak cost, I think, about £69. The person he was with ordered one. £150 notes on... I can, about £69. Oh! The person he was with ordered one. £150 notes on... I can't afford those prices.

I knew it was expensive because Chris Evans was in the restaurant and they brought it over with oohs and ahs on a big tray. Oh, wow. And Chris Evans looked as if to say, high rollers. Wow.

I couldn't afford it. I've got nothing to bring to this conversation if it's about the most expensive steak you've ever ordered. I'll tell you what I have nothing to bring to this conversation well i'll tell you what i've got to bring to it um apart from the first posh restaurant i went into i ordered steak tartar well done but i went out with calf for a birthday last week and um we were sitting in a very nice restaurant rock house really the food's fantastic. Oh, lovely choice, sir. But I did look across at her about half an hour in and say, I don't know why we bother with this.

Neither of me, we don't like posh restaurants. Isn't it just an enormous faff? And she said, yeah, I'd rather just stay in or go somewhere down the road. Yeah? I said, yeah, should we just do that from now on? And she said, so that was it. Saved a bit of cash there, Al. Yeah?

Yeah, I just, you know, it's a lot of faff. It's a thing you say to save the money. Yeah. I don't care. Anyway, thanks for listening to us. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. be back again this time next week. Now get out!