The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Election Special

Episode Date: May 9, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's the first show after the election and the team discuss their election day experiences. Frank has had a busy week - he lent out his car, got sent a piece of castle AND told a fib...The team also chat life soundtracks and there is a friend of the show update.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Them very good friends of mine. Can I do that? Yeah.

It's a quote from a song. It's a sort of calypso about cricket. We're all very laid back here. It goes, with with Ramadan and Valentine. Oh, sorry. We're not that laid back. OK, so you can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Oh, at. I hate at. We've had an email already. Why do you hate at? Because that's all you hear now, isn't it? At, at this and at that. Yeah, people are at it, aren't they?

Well, see, when people are at it in the old days. We've had an email entitled, A classic gag that I'm sure Frank would be proud of. I think that might be overstating it, but let's read it. Who's it from? It's from a chap called James. Hi, guys, I would like to tell you about a joke I made at work. Is it James Corden?

Talking about how well his chap show had gone. Taking some time from his busy schedule. He's doing awfully well. What about if James Corden did a joke? I mean, you know, I met him two or three times. If he did a joke in America that he was so pleased with, he emailed me about it. Somebody I'd be near.

And not directly, through the radio show. Yeah but you know when you're bursting, you're bursting with a joke you've done. Steve laughs Steve Giggles And you've just gotta tell people even you vaguely know. Well I think a similar thing has happened but not to James Corden. Steve laughs OK. To another James. I'd like to tell you about a joke I made at work that had my whole department in stitches. I've been a big fan of the spontaneous puns on your show and think you would be particularly proud of this one.

I'm on the edge of my seat. I'm very excited about such a build up he's given. Not even I'm a big fan of the spontaneous puns. He's also gone for so comma. So, a girl was telling us about how her dad plays badminton with other dads to which I commented, what, you mean dadminton? Huro's laughter. A particularly proud moment of mine for a relatively unfunny person. Keep up the good work. I think that's good. That's what that deserved. Dadminton is fine.

Very fine. Can I be honest? I find that genuinely upsetting. Genuinely. I love Dadminton. Me too. I think it's, yeah. I'm pleased with that.

Well done, James. I don't know what the Americans made of it. I'm sorry, I thought it was James Corden. Over the pond, that's the sort of thing Frank would say, Al. I mean, when he says at work, he means on the show. Oh, yeah. He gave it away by saying that Johnny Depp didn't seem to really get it. Yeah. Now, that is a funny joke. He could get a job as a writer, the Dadminton

author. Yeah. Not here, he couldn't. So I don't need writers. You get it? Got it? Okay, so what about this? I come back, I see James is Dadminton Joker, and I'm gonna- I'm gonna raise it. Okay. So, we're gonna play- Can I go to the bathroom? Instead of Poco, we're playing Joker. Oh, didn't quite work, did it? Didn't quite work?

It works too well, is what it works. Didn't quite work? Anyway, God, she's critical this morning. Am I? I'm sorry. Where's your pons? I don't have work. Anyway, God, she's critical this morning. Am I? I'm sorry. Where's your ponds? I don't have any. Ponds. Because it's not Tudor Britain.

Tudor Britain. So, what happened to her? Once she stopped working with Philip Schofield. So, anyway, here's my joke. I was on a tour of a stately home last weekend. And this man was, as people do when they tell you about stately homes, the man giving us the tour was saying, you know, and blah, blah, lived here, and Winston Churchill stayed here once.

And I said, and Henry I and Henry II, it was their home, wasn't it? And he looked at me, everyone looked at me. And I pointed, and in the gloom of a cupboard, there were two Henrys. You know those vacuum cleaners? Sort of, you know how they're always, they epitomise optimism, the Henry...

The smiley little Henry. Is it a Mrs Henry? Oh, I love a Mrs Henry. And there they were, Henry I and Henry II, in the midst of the tour. That's my kind of material, Frank. And he took it all right, the bloke. Did he? I think he felt I'd slightly not joined in with the spirit of the tour, but it went all right.

The most important thing, did you get a laugh? Yeah. I got a laugh from people who I knew who were on the tour with me, which I was very pleased with. The two Henrys, obviously, they were grinning like fools, as they always are. They were huddled together in the shades, like sort of fundamentalist optimists having to hide underground.

But I love that. Have you ever seen one in a skip? It's one of the saddest things you could ever see. Henry in a skip. No. So reminiscent of my career. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

I fall to pieces. Is this a cover of the song we just played? No, that's a Patsy Cline song called I Fall to Pieces. Oh, absolutely. Which is about, you know, one of those songs about when you split up with someone and then later you see them again and, you know, inside you just... Fall to pieces! Yeah. It's about that.

Yeah. Google it. So, you know, you can get clip-on faces for Henry's. Have you ever seen one of those? No. Oh, I love the sound of those. Yeah, you know, the standard Henry face. You can get, there's a thing that

it's 3D. I'm not making it up. It's a 3D clip on and you can slightly change their features. I'm not making this up. I'm not having it. I feel like you're making it up. This is so going to end in a strange life. Is it one of those strange lives? No, it's not. Look, I'm happy to, I'll put money on it.

I don't think actually that Absolute is licensed for gambling. There's a sign out the door, licensed for singing and dancing, and they're selling them victuals. But I don't think it's licensed for gambling, probably quite rightly so. But, yes, I'm not making it up. It's like that footballer face protection. You know, you get the odd footballer playing in a mask. Broken cheekbone.

Broken cheekbone. A mask that does absolutely nothing to help you in a high-contact sport like football, but looks a bit groovy. They're like those nose... Groovy! Do you remember the nose plasters that Robbie Fowler... He was a fan of those.

They did nothing, did they? No. No. And what about the Vic repository on the chest? I beg your pardon? A lot of footballers used to put Vic on their chest in a big thick lump and the idea is the vape has kept them breathing better. All mistakes that footballers have made, but not the worst ones.

And all advertisers that we'll be playing later in the show, probably. Really? Do you think the people who make those nose plasters are still going? They must have gone to the wall, hadn't they? Their doors are closed, or they could have kept it open, probably, with one of those plasters. I mean, what else could you use them for? Do you know what? Right now, they're sitting there thinking,

I can't believe the airtime we're getting on Frank Skinner's show. If only this had happened when we were still open. Yeah. We'd have done well. I do it... Like, I watch the election coverage through the night. I put one on each eyelid. Oh, yeah.

Of those plasters. Yeah. Yeah, they're really good. And then later, when I got really tired I put Vic in my eyes That helps Can I say if there's anyone listening Don't put Vic in your eyes

No Remember the old song Don't put Vic in your eyes My darling Or you'll cry Like gunji stuff. Patsy Cline. Yeah.

So, um, I'll tell you what else I heard. Do you remember when I was talking, I'd been to Soodley Castle? Yeah. Yes, was this Catherine Parr's? Yes, yes. Exactly, yes. Manor. He's always on a day out, isn't he?

If he's not working, he's on a day out, stimulating the brain. Yeah, but I learned something from him last time that's nice exactly yes um catherine paul that was quite loud that was louder than that that is quite bizarre making catherine paul a friend of the show. I mean, really? I know, and I think it's a big thing for me, because she is like an arch-Protestant.

It feels like a bit of a one-way street. Live and let live. That's what I've arrived... Well, I don't know. See, I learnt a lot about her at Soodley, and I spoke to her about what a great deity it was. And because you can take the kids. You can have a bit it was and because you can take the kids you can have a bit of history and you can take the kids

gift shop yeah it's a gift shop he'd be very good at those tourist boards wouldn't he yeah it'll come yeah

don't worry it will come it will come I've got to stop singing what's happened you're singing a lot already today anyone who can recognise what this song is from

and texting I'll be very impressed. It will come, it will come, it will surely come. The Lion King. No. Really? He sings that a lot, though. What? That. I know, but what's it from? Well, I don't know. Your mother sings it.

No, exactly. You don't know. See if any of our listeners know. It will come, it will come, it will surely come. That's a strange thing to be triumphant about. You don't know. Anyway, they sent me... A shop of horrors. They sent me a bit of a goodie bag, the people from Soodley.

Did they? And... What did you get? A quill. They sent me a sort of a biro quill. It was handy. I've found I sneeze quite a lot when I'm writing with it. You've got an accession.

I might have to take an inch and a half off the end. It's just catching me under the nostrils. I'd like it if that was your schtick. Instead of the sharpie, you used the quill to sign autographs. Hold it! Hold it! Newsflash, I dropped the Peerless 125 this week.

You did not. You know someone sent me an expensive pen? I think you could go up a category. I think you could say it's an extremely expensive pen. It is extremely expensive. It's a very lovely thing to write with. I dropped it. And the nib...

Is it OK? Honestly, just talking about it now, it's making my chest go tight. Getting visvics. The nib was slightly pushed to the right. Oh, no. So when I wrote with it, it was writing slightly ahead of... It was writing stuff I hadn't even thought of yet. That's how they invented italics.

Is that it? Yeah. I think I've... It was an election predictor pen. Oh, but I tell you... I tell you, it made me feel... When I dropped it, it was a horrible, horrible thing. Did you just bend it back?

Yeah, I had to be strong with it. Surprisingly, no-one seems to have an answer to it will come, it will come, it will surely come. Yeah, but you know one thing about that answer? It will come, it will come, it will surely... Yeah, so, um... Oh, dear, don't ever drop anything that's really expensive. It's a good rule.

Yeah, I remember telling Kate Middleton that years ago. She stopped with it. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You said it will come, and it has come. So the answer is? Alan? King's leather hat. So the answer is? Alan? King's leather hat.

King's what hat? King's lead hat! Someone's got it wrong. Is it from Brian? King's leather hat is what I wear at Christmas. He has put in brackets, see what I did there, Frank, from Mesh. Oh, brilliant! And I walked straight into it. Well, and me too actually

uh very good very good um so that was from mash uh but he did get he did get the right the actual answer is king's lead hat we got about 10 of the right answer well everybody well done thank you rob thank you cameron thank you 310 dave the milk can you not say can you not say thank you cameron um that's uh that's, uh, that's, I'm so, I tell you what makes me really happy about that is that we have the sort of people listening to this show who know The King's Lead Hat

by Brian Eno. Oh, the king's lead hat is a mother to desire, it will come, it will come, it will surely come. Okay. Oh, I quite like that. Listen to it. And the good thing is we go out an hour later on the Decade Station. So we'll get that all over again. Yeah.

We'll receive a handful of texts again. And do you know... At least, I should think. I think our listeners are very NGN. Mm-hmm. NGN. No Google necessary. Oh, no.

No, no. No, I don't think you can Google. I hope no one Googled it or com, it or com, it or she. Not breakfast time. Anyway. So I got this goodie. No, I need to discuss this with you. The people from... I was very excited about the Sudley parcel.

Oh, yeah. Because it was like, you know, there was a book about Sudeley Castle and a picture of Brock the Badger. Now that you're back onto Sudeley Castle, can I just interject with another text that we've received? You can interject. I know you're a fan of the listenership and them liking Kingslet Hat,

but listen to this for a text, 061. Listening to Frank Skinner, my maiden name is Catherine Parr. Absolutely marvellous. Who's that from? Catherine Parr. I'm joking. You mean Catherine Parr?

Fred of the show. And she adds, loving the banter on our way to Daddington. I'm assuming that she's going to Badminton. But she said Daddington. Yeah, she's got's going to Badminton. But she said Daddington. Yeah, she's just got it. Maybe she's doing a little play on it. Is that a place? No, maybe there's a place. Maybe there's a place called It's got a lowercase d

anyway. But dad, has dad got a lowercase d? He's got a lowercase d, yeah. No, but normally if you call someone your dad. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sure. I thought that was uppercase. Well, if I said that... I love this discussion.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, capitals. Can I just say... Capital Radio, that's what this is. If you just tune in, it is in Capital Radio. Otherwise, I'll be saying, I know it's time for... Top Loader.

Can I just say, with regards to King's Lead Hat Commiserations to those who thought it was Sale of the Century theme music And the old Fruit Pastels advert song Both incorrect Sale of the Century Okay so yeah thanks for joining in Meanwhile

We've never really had a quiz Have we ever had a quiz before ever? We can't do quizzes We can't do things like that I think we ever had a quiz before, ever? No, we can't do quizzes. We can't do things like that. I think we've had, like... I think we gave some tickets away for the fall. It went so wrong. We tried to give some football tickets away,

and it was a disaster. Oh, we're doing... I think it was BC before Cockle. You've got to be a pro to do that kind of thing. Anyway, one of the things that they sent me, and I was thrilled, and it's in Bride of Place in my bedroom but it was a piece

of a piece of Sudeley Castle basically. What do you mean? Like a piece of stone from the castle. Now is that alright? A piece of ruin. They sent me some ruin.

Really? Yeah. Valuable artefact. Well, it's got... I don't think it's from the shop because it's got moss on it and bird excrement. Oh. So it's like proper... Oh, they've just done that to make you look old.

No, like Lovejoy used to. Just like that. Lovejoy used to put woodworm in with a little drill. Oh, did he? Yeah. Would he soak things with tea bags? He was a character. Somebody tell me, can this be true?

Can this possibly be true? He's a real person, Frank. Now, hold it. You've over-invested in Lovejoy. He wasn't in your life, ever. Someone, um, I met Ian McShane. He was very nice. He's your friend who's passed away.

But, um, pardon? He was a character. Who't kiss your friend who's passed away. But, pardon? He was a character. Who, Lovejoy? Yeah. I know that, but Ian McShane wasn't a character. Well, actually, Ian McShane was a bit of a character. Yeah. But a make-up woman told me that she did Ian McShane's make-up

and he handed her a piece of paper with a drawing of his face on with numbered areas where she was to use that number of foundation, like a painting by Numbus. Can I just say I find nothing worrying about that story at all. No, not at all. I think everyone should follow that lead. Perhaps he was trying to make himself look older so he could sell himself in auction.

Anyway, is it all right, the wall thing? Alan? I'm not sure. I don't like being the judge and jury on this, but I feel a bit, you know, I have misgivings and I have more misgivings that you're keeping it where is it in your house? It was from Miss Givens who is the curator there very like little spinster woman

If you are going to keep it I think you should move it out into the garden and have it as part of a rockery Well no, that doesn't seem right to me Get thee to a rockery, is that what I'm supposed to say to you? It's natural terrain, isn't it? Are you sure it's real? Oh, yes, you can tell just by...

It looks... It's the same colour as Soodley Castle. The reason I ask is, are you sure it wasn't just a bit of abuse? Was it just a rock in an envelope that came through your letterbox? No, it came through the window. Came through the window, election night. Just missed my poster in the window. No, the window, election night. Just missed my poster in the window. No, it's the real thing. I think it looks old.

I mean, it's got the Nike logo cut into the moss. No, I'm excited to have it and it's got a magical feel to it because it's so close to par. Of course. But I could always send it back if they need it. That's the way to look because it's so close to par, of course. But I could always send it back if they need it.

That's the way to look at it. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so I've got quite a collection now. I've got a bit of Sudley, I've got a bit of the Berlin Wall. Have you? Mm-hmm. Which was given to me by an East German lady.

I didn't like the way you said lady. No, I don't think anyone did. I just sensed backstory. I don't like that. Not really. You've got a little bit of strange ways. No, I haven't got any. I've got some strange ways.

I've got a bit of the roof of the church at Lourdes. Hello? She does. You're building up quite a collection. I've got some of the fence from Elvis's ranch. How did you get that? Are you going to build, like... I'm going to build a composite house.

A memorabilia house. Exactly, Greg. That would be brilliant. What a place to live. All my interests put into one little shack. Yeah.

Love shack, I could call it. Couldn't I? What about that? Can you actually hear me scratching on air? Yes. I hate it when that happens. So, yeah, I love getting the goody bag, but if anyone has a fit of guilt and they want a bit of Soodley Castle back, if, you know, if they need...

I mean, you know, the stone that the builders rejected became the cornerstone. Just remember that. Also... They know they sent it to you, though. What's that? I stayed at a hotel this week, and I had the usual...

I went down to breakfast. Have you ever been down to breakfast in a hotel when there's no one else there? Yeah. It's a weird... Can we establish

this is one of my favourite things about Frank is that he doesn't have room service. Why, Frank? Because he likes people... I like to look at who's at the hotel.

Yeah. I love watching people at hotel breakfast because that people when they walk into a hotel breakfast room, are so awkward often. Yes. You can see.

Even the ones who aren't awkward are being deliberately not awkward. They're thinking about it. People really think about what they look like and how they're moving and stuff when they walk into a... Do you all sense there's a real feeling of superiority with the ones that are already present as well? Yes. It's horrible walking in.

You're walking in, it's like walking into a Wild West saloon. Yes. I also think there's a sense of superiority between the showered and have-nots. I go down unshowered quite often for the hotel breakfast. Oh, is that right, Al? And you can really sense that people have cleaned and they feel better about themselves.

And apparently you can't wander down in a nightie. Who knew? Sorry about that. Yeah, that's why I'm no longer welcome at many a premiere in... I've seen people in a robe at breakfast. Have you? Yeah. Oh, I'd go there.

It was at the Catherine Parr, I think, when I stayed at... No, no, in one of those white, you know... In a spa hotel or a normal. Oh, that'll be a health farm. That'll be when he was away. No, in a health farm, you imagine... You know, there's a lot of it. Uh-huh.

Um, but, um... Can I tell you when I lose respect for people? Go on. Always. When they wear those... You know the free slippers you get? Oh, yes. With the robe.

Come on, we're better than that, aren't we? To breakfast. Yeah. I take them home. Where does that fit in? Of course you do. I. I take them home. Where does that fit in? Of course you do. I've got them at home. I find them very odd.

I have to walk very clawed, toes very clawed to keep them on. It's like trying to climb a slippery surf. You know on I'm a Celebrity towards the end when they fire that big hose down the hill? It's like that walking in them. Where do you stand on waffle robes? I don't like those. No, Alan? Yeah, I don't even see those

things. I would never think of keeping one. I just see them. They're thin and coarse. I didn't like the way you talked to me then. I've been married for 40 years and you barely tolerate me. No, but they are. I have leaned over a piece of toast and grated cheese onto it on my waffle rope. Just held the sleeve out and grated on that.

But I had, I'll tell you what I had. This is the only time, I never have this ever unless I had a hotel breakfast. I had a bit of tinned fruit. Lovely. Who has, who buys that? Lovely. I don't think anyone's bought that since GIs used to give it to sort of skittish English girls in the north in order to get favours. But I'll eat it in a hotel.

Really? So anyway, I'm sitting in there and I'm completely on my own. There was one waitress bopping about and you feel a bit ashamed when you're on your own. I don't know why. Yeah. But would you believe it, what came over the pipe music, All By Myself. Oh, lovely.

And I sat alone eating tinned fruit. I went, all by myself. It wasn't even the Eric Carman, but it was like a cover. Oh. Oh, dear. Isn't it great, though, when something happens, music comes on, and it's such a soundtrack to what's really happening?

Yeah. It's like the best thing. Anyone listening who's ever had a spontaneous soundtrack moment, I'd love to hear about it. I bet there'll be one in Britain. So that was... Did I ever tell you about the time I went up to a didgeridoo man, didgeridoo player in Edinburgh at the Edinburgh Festival?

I hope you didn't say something awful. No, I said, do you know All By Myself by Eric Carman? As if he could have gone... Just looked at me. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner Show

Absolute Riding Out Guess what 024 says Go on My dad this is re your love shack Yeah yeah My dad built a bar in his house using old gravestones

you can still read the names and dates Oh man That's from Glenn I'll be right, can I? Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Wowee. I love it. There's so much in there. A bar in his house. Mm. That's,

you know... Where did he get the old gravestones from? Did they throw them away after a bit? Maybe. Maybe they were toppled. You know, they're toppled, aren't they? What, like that statue of Saddam Hussein that got hit? Got hit with a shoe? Got hit with a flip-flop, yeah.

I believe in doing that in relationships, if you're angry with them. Just hit a photo of them with a shoe. With a flip-flop. Oh, yeah. Get all your anger out, it's fine. I gradually pull down an effigy of them. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

With much cheering. Whatever gets you through it, that's what I say. We've also had a text saying, Morning team, historical souvenirs. Whilst admiring a section of poop deck massed from Nelson's flagship HMS Victory at the Greenwich Maritime Museum, I noticed a loose splinter of wood where a cannonball had hit. I pocketed said splinter and is now pride of place

sell it to my boiler. Gregor in Lewisham. How do we feel about that? Where do you stand on that, Frank? I'm not happy about that. Why? Because it was loose splinter. Well, loose in what way, though? How dare you? Loose as in it must have been connected, otherwise

he wouldn't have known it was a splinter from the mast. Yeah. So he's taken splinter from the mast. Yeah. So he's taken a piece of the mast, which belongs to me and to you and to you. I don't want it. Well, I want it. I don't want loose splinters. I want it. Get your hands off my mast. I think the fact that it was loose, I don't mind that.

It wasn't loose. Well, he says it was loose. Well, he means loose as in when a tooth is loose, you still have to pull it out. If we all went around taking bits of National Monuments, there'd be no National Monuments. There'd be no Sudley Castle. Yes. I didn't take it, remember. I was sent it. Anyway, thank you for writing in, but I think you did a bad thing.

And I think you should take it back to the mast. Good morning, everyone. Good morning. Soundtrack to life we've also been talking about yes yes 866 frank i was once visiting my uncle in a retirement home when the radio started blaring out don't fear the reaper maybe it's too late already that's mike in suffolk oh man on the other end of the same spectrum on the way to hospital with my wife in labor what comes on the radio stand and deliver Maybe it's too late already. That's Mike in Suffolk. Oh, man. On the other end of the same spectrum, on the way to hospital with my wife in labour, what comes on the radio? Stand and Deliver by Adam and the Ants.

Life and beautiful. See, in a film, both of those would have worked. Yeah. Indeed. I used to do my own soundtracks when I was a kid. So I'd sort of say, I'd say, come on then, let's, um, we're going to go into this cave now, dun, dun, dun, dun, and I'd do all the, I'd do all the music.

Do you ever do that? No. No, not so much. You know when comedians say, oh, just me then. I love those comedians. Which means I just said something that wasn't that funny. 309. I might have to, actually, that joke went so badly, I think I'm going to have to resign. I'm going to stand down, and I just want to say, I want to thank all the, I want to thank you guys for working so hard.

Who's going to take the job? I don't know. Wouldn't it be great if this, Yvette Cooper was presenting this show next week? Yeah.

Okay. 309 has texted us. Okay. With the soundtrack of your life, my son just fell over and bumped himself bursting into tears, accompanied by Boys Don't Cry. Oh. Perfect timing.

Brilliant. But the people listening to us on the Decade stations will say, well, what do you mean, Boys Don't Cry? That wasn't played. It was, um... It was I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston good choice you know when you're trying to think of an example

it just sticks in your head like that bit when you're squeezing out moisturiser and you haven't used it for a week because you've been away on holiday and there's like a hard bit in the end when it comes out you can't use that moisturiser because it's like putting a razor on your face there's a bit of observational comedy that no one else has ever experienced.

So, I had... That's like if I did stand up. That's my material. The real fine details of Moisturiser. Type 5 on foundation. Can I say, to my credit, I've been slightly less of a git just lately.

I did two nice things. What did you do? I had a friend's day over. We don't have many house guests that aren't Kat's family. And I did the thing where I, I'll tell you what I did.

I left a folded clean towel on the bed. Like a hotel. Oh, I love that. So welcoming. I didn seen it at a hotel. Oh, I love that. It's so welcoming. And a waffle rub. I didn't leave a waffle rub, but I put some clean soap. Obviously, I'm offloading the Imperial

Lather of Water. Of course. It hasn't got its metal stand. I flushed. I really prepared the bathroom. You flushed? Yeah. It's a big deal. Whoa, we've got a guest in town. Better flush that. Otherwise, we'll have to just peel the skin off you. So...

How was it with the house guest? It was very nice, actually. He's a friend of mine who's a poet, so he was down, as you can imagine, he was doing a reading at the Swedenborg Centre in Bloomsbury. Talk on a bit of the writing of Frankenstein. Yeah. So he... that's a poetry, I've just given you a poetry news update. Yeah, well done. So I did that, and then, what about this, I actually loaned my car out.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever let anyone drive your car? No. It's a big step. It is a big step, yeah. Yeah. It was my sister-in-law. It wasn't like, you know. Okay. Did you arrange the appropriate insurance? Can she drive? Yes.

46 quid. To put her on the insurance. But I was happy with it. So she drove off with my... How frank is that, sorry, that he told us the price of the insurance? Oh, people are interested. So, he drove...

She rounded up to 50 when she gave you it. She drove off... She didn't give it me, I paid. What? Yeah. As I say, unless of a git. Bang out of order. Was drive by the cars playing as she drove off?

No, I think it was There Goes My Everything by Engelbert Obedy. Because she had, um, my girlfriend was in the car, and my child, and, um, and the poet, who was a very good friend of mine. What was the poet doing in the car? Rochelle's his cage!

I couldn't take him for another night. Why did the poet go off with your wife and child and your sister in the car? It's just a joke. The thing is with houseguests, no I'm not, it was in the car. No, I meant, why did the poet go off? It's a tough one. Yeah. So I sent,

so I sent them off. I can only have them for one night, a houseguest. Yeah. So I told them to just leave him on waste ground, like people do with dogs. Tie him, I said tie him up, I don't want him wandering into the road. But, um, so yes. And, um, well

there's more to this story, but we'll go. Well there is. Let's go to the news. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Helen Cochran. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So, where were we? Ah, yes. website. So where were we? Ah yes, so off went my car with my sister-in-law Oh and the poet! The poet and

my child and my partner and off it went and don't get me wrong, my sister-in-law is a very good driver otherwise obviously I wouldn't have suggested it in the first place. You make a sound bit like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man though, don't you? very good driver, otherwise obviously I wouldn't have suggested it in the first place. Then I got a call... Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. She's a good driver. She's a very good driver.

She's an excellent driver. And she... So then I got a call from my girlfriend saying we're on the motorway and we're upside down and on fire. No, I added the last bit.

So we're on the motorway, and we can't switch the indicator off. Oh, I thought she was going to say we're having trouble with this limerick. Yeah. And he doesn't do limericks. He's a proper poet. Okay. He's a protective over the poet. Poets don't do limericks.

We've had anything like it. They're hard. So, anyway, so she couldn't, I'm a bit worried about having your indicator on the motorway. Oh, you can't have that on there. Because I absolutely go off indicators. If someone's indicating left, I'll just, you know, drive straight at them knowing they're about to move any minute.

Yeah. And so it made me a bit anxious. What? I don't understand why it wasn't going off. No, I don't. Did you get to the bottom of it? You know what they're like. What, these poet drivers?

No, he wasn't driving. He was desperately trying to think of something to rhyme with indicator. Vindicator. He could say, oh, she's getting blamed for not being able to operate with indicator. Vindicator. He could say, oh, she's getting blamed for not being able to operate the indicator. If I could speak on the phone, maybe I could vindicate her. Oh, fine. Yes. Oh, you'll have another job soon. Yes. Well, there's room at the top in the poetry world. You did say he was a proper poet, so he probably doesn't have to

rhyme. No, he doesn't rhyme. What's the salary for a poet? Oh, a bit personal. Well, you know, he sells books. Does he? If you'd like to buy his new book, it's called Sea Table. Oh, lovely. Anyway, and so it's all right. I'll call up to Sea Wing. And then I've got to call a bit later.

Sea Biscuit, Sir Alex Ferguson's favourite film. One of the only five films, isn't it, that Michael Owen sees? I read an interview with Sir Alex Ferguson when he said, people think I'm the sort of obsessive, but, I mean, and they think that Arsene Wenger's very cultured and stuff, whereas, you know, he's watching Bundesliga games on a Tuesday night. My favourite film is Sea Biscuit. Which was what a hinterland he had. It was very true. What a hint to learn to hear.

Anyway, over with the poet. It was all fine. I got a call later to say that that was, it had been sorted, the indicator thing. They'd clicked it back upwards. And they all got back safely on the Sunday night and I was

glad and it was lovely and I felt I'd done a good deed, 46 quid, and didn't ask for any petrol money. It was lovely, and I felt I'd done a good deed. 46 quid. And didn't ask for any petrol money. It was all, you know... Good for you. I felt, you know, I felt good about myself. And it's nice. I felt like I was a real family man.

Yeah. And, you know, I'd all transported... Provider. My family, I'd transported culture across the country. So it was all good, and I got up the next morning, and, um... morning, and... And, um... Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, um, I looked out of my... Well, I stepped out of my door. Oh, this was post-Carland. Yeah, this was the next morning. It was Monday morning. So the car came up Sunday night. Song poet.

He'd been dropped off. Songs anything. So there it was across the road, my car. And there was, you know, that plastic fencing people put up when they're doing road works. Yeah. That sort of orange plastic.

That was right up to the car. It was on both sides. I mean, it looked like the car was part of the... It looked like my composite historical house's home. It had plastic fencing and there was the car. You couldn't have put a tube ticket in between the bumper and the plastic fencing. So I thought, that's a bit odd. I went over. There's a parking ticket on the windscreen.

It had been parked in a suspended bay. Oh, my God. Oh, no. So I took the parking ticket off. Oh. The penalty charge. You know, in their little waterproof coat they put them in. I hate it when someone watches you do that. I have to pretend I'm very unaffected. No, no, but I had the worst.

I'm rich, it's fine. If you hate it... I have to do that. If you hate it when someone watches you take it off, let me introduce you to a new nightmarish world. I think you've done that already. I don't know what I was thinking of. There was all these builders watching me.

Because obviously, I say builders, they were road worker people. And why did I do this? I opened the car and tried to take the ticket from inside I had it in my head but it was inside the windscreen so I reached

You got a parking ticket off Dynamo I'll just leave you on the inside shall I? You know when you get a butterfly at your window? It was like that. I was reaching. It was... My fingers... Oh!

And they were all looking at me. I mean, they were... Oh, fine. They were East Europeans, so, you know, they'd seen magic. They'd seen close-up magic before. It's massive over there. You're going to have to move. There's no alternative.

Oh, dear. You can't face them again. What was I... I mean, what was I thinking of? What was the point at which you realised the full horror of what you'd done and you were going to have to get out of the car and take it from the... I hadn't got in the car, though. I opened the door and just leaned. Oh, it's worse.

So I couldn't even think I was getting in to get me bald sweets off the dash. Do you think they were there thinking, that guy's allowed to drive and he doesn't understand the concept of glass? I know, it was so awful. And I had to ask them to move their fence so I could back up. I couldn't get out. Well, you hate reversing as well, don't you? It's not for you.

Oh, it was so... And of course, by then they moved it like... They thought I was insane. They all moved it... Half a mile. Instantly, before I took them by the throats. But, oh, dear. Honestly, it was terrible.

If you can imagine, sometimes you get a butterfly at the window and you get a cat trying to get it from inside. That was me. That was me. Double. Anyway, there's more. Stick around. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. My car. Oh, I don't know. Oh, yes, oh, yes. You just humiliated yourself in front of the builders. Yes, so I got my ticket. They're quite two-tone, aren't they, the parking tickets? Like a ticket.

They're a bit selector, aren't they? Yeah, they are. They've got that check thing on. It's a bit one step beyond. Yeah. Earlier, it comes down a bit in price, doesn't it? I know. Is that right?

64 coin. Well, that's what it comes down to. That's the cheapest. Is that the cheapest it goes? Ooh. Oh, I've never paid the cheapest. Ooh, ouchy.? Ooh. Oh, I've never paid the cheapest. Ooh, ouchy. So, um, you know, I was all right with it.

Because this is, as I said, this is my new anti-gay regime. Yeah? What, you mean you weren't going to get cross with her about it? I didn't even mention it to her. In fact, unless she's... Just mentioned it on the radio, she did. Said it off for public broadcasting. Unless she's listening to this, you'll never know.

Yeah. But, you know, it's fine. It's fine. We all make mistakes. Do you know what? Nothing has ever sounded more fine. No, it's absolutely... It's fine!

It's strange that you can say that and rip the arm off the chair at the exact same time. And as a woman, I understand the concept of, it's fine. No, no, but it it's fine. No, no, but it really is fine. You know, she's lovely. She's not like a sister. You know a lot of sister-in-laws, people out there will know sister-in-laws are often people you don't want to spend any time with. But I like mine a lot. So it's fine. It's fine. mine a lot.

So it's fine. It's fine. However, I had a dream the following evening in which I had a phone call to say that the Pope had commandeered my car for his own use. And, um, giving me the... Like a policeman in an 80s TV thing.

I'm having this. Just crash on the badge and he's off in it. But I wasn't. I don't know, he got into it or something. It was like I was in it and he came and commandeered it. So that had gone and they gave me the licence plate of another car

parked quite a way away, which they said I could use. Was that like P3? Yeah. That's the first car that you can just Like Pope? No I think. It still says Frank. I don't know who's it. But I could use that one while he was until he'd finished with mine. Imagine the trouble you'd have parking a Popemobile. It'd be a nightmare wouldn't it? I'd love one of those. Quite a long vehicle. But I think it on what it

was because I like a bit of self-reliance. Oh, yeah, so you weren't quite what that means, then. I think it's because, um, it's the same thing, really. It's something happening which you're not, um, that happy about, but it's done to you by someone who you, um, who you like a lot.

Yes, it's a benign presence in your life. Yeah, so you, um, you just, you know... You're just kind of the Pope, aren't you? He's going, oh, what? I don't like to understate things. Big fan of the Pope. He's the man, as far as I'm concerned. The man. So,

um, yeah. Where he's going to park it, I imagine he'll just abandon it. Yeah, he's going to come back covered in parking tickets, isn't he? Oh, no one would dare. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So we're about halfway through the show and we haven't talked about the big changes that are afoot in the country that I think we all voted on in the team. Yeah. We haven't been, I don't know if anyone's in the country that I think we all voted on in the team. It's exciting because we haven't been, I don't know if anyone's even considered this, but

obviously we've been vetoed from mentioning the election for the last few weeks in case we influence anyone's vote or something. And also because of the tedium of having to make it fair like if we accidentally mention someone we've got to mention all the others. I love the idea that we could possibly influence anyone's vote at all.

I love political insight. Like if I mention West Bromwich Albion, I've got to mention the other 19 Premier League teams. When would you normally do that? What about every time I name a song, I have to name every... Anyway, it was... Yes, I don't think we're going to influence... We're not going to influence them now, obviously.

It's too late. I imagine most absolute listeners voted for Aerosmith. Yeah. I was very keen, Frank. 7.15am, I was there. Really? Yes. Got it done early.

Well, I had a wardrobe crisis. What does one wear to vote? What do you wear, yeah, to vote? Well, I had a wardrobe crisis. What does one wear to vote? What do you wear, yeah, to vote? Well, I put on, uh, I'm afraid I put on a baseball cap because I had dirty hair. And I had New York Yankees. Oh, did you have a big, uh, big cup from, uh, a local fast food place? No. Remember you used to see Britney in a, in a baseball cap with a big cup?

Oh, with a cappuccino, yes. Oh, yeah. No, it was pop with her, I think. Oh, was it? She used to have a straw in it. Soda pop. Yeah. Soda.

Then I noticed my jumper had the old Stars and Stripes flag. God, you looked so American when you wore it. It looked like Yankee Doodle. That's a bit confusing, isn't it? I took it off. I started to write from scratch. Okay. So I was pleased with my outfit.

Vervocious. And that was my election day. So what did you wear? Union check trousers? scratch. Okay. So I was pleased with my outfit. And that was my election day. So what did you wear? Union check trousers? No, I left that to you at the Brit. Oh, bring that up. I felt very smug, Frank. I felt quite drunk with power. Do you feel that when you vote? When you vote?

I put the emphatic cross. I enjoy it. Well, I did the postals this year. It's not as much fun. I like the smell of a primary school. I enjoy it. Well, I did the postals this year. It's not as much fun. I like the smell of a primary school. Oh, yeah. But, uh... So I didn't get that thrill. No.

I was at a scout hut at the end of my road. Very convenient, innit? Very convenient. Oh, very, very... I'll tell you what, though. There are lots of them, aren't there? They really set it up for you. I've got to say, I do love a bit of election coverage.

Yeah. I watched it. I watched hours. Did you stay up? I stayed up till about half one, which for me is absolutely... The late night for you. Oh, it's unheard of. Well. And then I got up again at seven to catch up.

Yeah. Did you? To me, it's like a sort of thinking man's Gillette Soccer Saturday. Yeah. It's all these people sitting around, you know, your experts. I call them experts. You know the experts who said it was going to be a really, really tight election? Yeah, yeah.

Those experts. Can I say, I predicted the sex of the royal baby last week. Read into that what you will. But absolutely nothing. Yes, 50-50, innit? Al, did you watch it? I did. I did watch some of the late night coverage, like yourself, Frank. I sort of started nodding off at about half one in the morning and then tuned in quite early.

Well, nothing's happening, isn't it? Difficult. But I think I've had a bit of a radical brainwave, because I got a text off my mate who said, oh, have you been watching it all night? And I said, and my mate's in use... Was that a needy David Dimbleby? Yeah, he said... How was I? Was I OK? Is there any other kind of David Dimbleby?

Yeah, me and David Dimbleby... If there is, I don't want to know, Frank. Long-time friends, as you can imagine. We're old buddies. Double D, as I recall. He had a big cock. Ricky laughs But my mate texted me who's working in New Zealand right now and I said- Wow. Yeah, I watched a bit of it last night

and he said, I've been watching it all day. Because of course- Really? It's the opposite there. And I was thinking- Oh yeah. Why don't we do that why don't we have like an agreed population late night where we vote at night and then they start the counting and then we get up and you can watch and you can watch it results coming all day they could just start the counting later yeah couldn't they yeah they could all clock off 10 p.m it's very late to close but it is exciting staying up at night and getting up in the morning in the country. It's exhausted, isn't it?

It is if you live through the 90s. So you... Besides, as it turned out, it turned out with the exit polls, we could have all gone to bed at five past ten. Yeah. Because they told us exactly. You both watched it. That's exciting.

I was only down there. What? I only went down... To Whitehall? No, not to Whitehall. What has been stopped? I was there at Pinewood Studios to watch the Channel 4 Alternative Election special.

Oh? Yeah. Apparently James Bond was down there. James Bond? And they'd been filming it earlier in the day at Pinewood. What do you think he votes? James Bond or Daniel Craig? Well, I don't know.

I suspect... James Bond would vote Conservative, surely. No, UKIP, surely. OK. Come on. It's would vote Conservative, surely. No, UKIP, surely. OK. Come on. It's a problem there, isn't it, with dating? I suppose he's still around, film-wise. Yeah, so we may...

You see, can you vote if you're licensed to kill? I don't... I should imagine so. I think one buys one privilege by losing the other. Oh, that sounds tricky. Frank, never mind that. What about when I met Jeremy Paxman? You met Paxer?

Yes! Hold it, hold it, hold it. Let's leave it on that cliffhanger. And we'll come back after these messages. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Are you looking at me? Paxman.

Let's not talk about when I met Jeremy Paxman. Let's talk about when your car wouldn't start. You met Paxman. I did meet Paxman. Do you remember when I met him on a plane and he told me... What did he say? He said, I've been trout fishing in Chile.

Did he? Yeah. Wow. Was he speaking in code? I think maybe he was. He gave me a brown parcel. You see, well, I'm very, he's something of a hero of mine. Is he?

I'm not going to lie. Yes. What is that? I don't know. There's something sort of very impressive, but slightly intimidating about him. So I was nervous. I was fearful, Frank. I didn't want to mess this up.

It felt like a first date I wanted to get right. What did you wear um that's none of your business okay a negligee i went into the makeup room get them while they're vulnerable and uh my boyfriend was having his makeup done okay that sounds rather strange but that's nevertheless that's that's yeah i think eddie is artists i'm not going out he with Eddie is an artist. He's made a life choice. That's fine.

I respect him for it. You're fine with it? He's fine with it. It's not... That's the great thing about the world. We're more accepting nowadays. We definitely are on this show, aren't we? Oh, God, on this show.

All welcome. So I decided that was a good time to strike. But I got too nervous. You know, it was a bit like taking a penalty or something when you play for England. I just, I ruined it a bit initially. Because I was too... You didn't call him Jezza, did you? No, well, I was worried, because when I said, nice to meet you,

I assume he'll say, what do you mean, nice to meet you? I assumed he'd say, to meet you, nice. That's not him, is it? It's not him. Has he still got the beard, the go beard the goatee thing oh no he hasn't got that that's all gone okay but he was charming linica i think linica um bought it from him i think he felt my desperation initially i laughed a bit too hard at his jokes i don't know they weren't even, he just sort of, you know, was talking. I was going to say, I'd like to hear his jokes. And, um, he's very funny, actually. Yeah. And then I touched his arm a couple of times, in that sort of we're friends way. As in get off, that get off me kind of way. No, I just, you know, I'm imagining when you

two have done a bad gig, which I'm sure has happened occasionally. Have you felt you've lost the audience, and then you've gone hard to try and win them back and it's come a bit desperate? That was on this show, I'd say, seven or eight times. Most weeks. Okay. Well, that's where I found myself. So I decided, I thought, I'm going to remain calm about this. I'm going to get Jeremy.

I'm going to win him over. So I decided to do this at my boyfriend's expense. He has an eye condition, which is... Who does? My boyfriend does. Oh, I see. It's called... Paxmania.

No. It's called jealousy. See, he's a snob, Paxman. Imagine if he was going to just really be... He doesn't! Oh, my God. Imagine if I'd have done that. Oh, get off!

What do you mean? Yeah. No, it's called nystagmus, and it just means he has... I'm going to keep it light. He has a slightly reduced vision and a slight kind of... Periphery. Yeah, exactly. OK, that's it.

But Paxman was being incredibly nice about this and very compassionate and very kind. So I thought, I'll make my little joke. So what do you think of this? I'll tell you what I said, and you tell me if you would have laughed at this. I know this is a tough room. Did you say Henry I and Henry II? I said, well, you know, that's terrible.

How do you cope with him as being very compassionate and asking questions? And I sort of touched him a bit, and I said, the good news is, Jeremy, at least you can't see my cellulite. And do you know what? I waited. There was an awkward 30 seconds. He gave me a big belly laugh. It can't have been 30 seconds. It felt like that. I felt sick. I thought I was going to vomit. If it had been 30 seconds, the world would have stopped.

Yeah, if it was 30 seconds, then he was just laughing at something else. My boyfriend had sweat pouring down his forehead. Wow. The world would have stopped. Yeah, if it was 30 seconds, then he was just laughing at something else. My boyfriend had sweat pouring down his forehead. Wow. But I got a laugh out of Paxo. Well done. And the good thing about it is that you were true to yourself, because it's your, you know, it's a very you gag.

Well, I felt it was my manner. You didn't feel you had to do a joke about the news. I didn't go politics. That's not my manner, Frank. No! My manner is cellulite. Well, respect to you for that. Thank you. And, uh,

yeah, I don't imagine he's an easy man to get a laugh out of and, uh, I don't know. I don't know him. Well, if you met him, I would try some of the Henry material and see how it goes. No, I'll say, has that caught any of them trout yet? See if he remembered. That's the way to...

They love a callback. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East

on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio

website. We haven't really talked that much. That was horrible, Frank. I know, that was horrible. We haven't talked much about your take on the election, Frank. I mean, I don't like to prejudge you, but I'm guessing that you spend a lot of time in a swing seat. What, with your friends in the SNL community?

I am in a... I live in the country's smallest marginal. Oh, I'm a blur. A real marginal. Oh, do you? Mega marginal. Marginal. Yeah.

Yeah, but it all turned out all right there. Is it going to spoil it now if the exit polls are really super accurate every year? There will be no point for that staying up late thing, just that'll be it. Maybe. I hadn't really thought of it like that. Do you know what, that felt so like question time.

Well I was just about to spoil it by saying that exit polls is actually a UKIP policy. That's a lovely political joke. But how does it work? How does it work, the exit polls? It must be based on the fact, hadn't it? This is how I've worked it. Because, you know, it was all very, very, very tight,

then the exit polls gave it and tore it miles away. Yeah. It must mean that most people turn up at the polling booth. Do they lie? No, I think they haven't, they have no idea what they're going to vote. So they must turn up. They must turn up.

They've got the pencil in one hand, the paper in the other. And they think, well, now let me see. And that's when they first think about it. And then when they come out, oh, it's Labour, as it turned out. It could have been, I didn't know until the last minute.

I think that's what happens. Or maybe it's that thing, you know, when you sort of spot the ball and you close your eyes and bring it down and then, ooh, seems like I've voted. Do you think that's why they got it wrong? I reckon my boyfriend will know. He's clever. I'm going to ask him. They had Theresa May on the BBC.

Do you know Theresa May? No, but thanks for the tip. And she was on and they said, so, you know, if these exit polls are correct, then that's a tremendous... She said, well, let's just wait and see. And he said, well, you know, just to speculate. She said, no, I don't want to speculate on the results. And why have you come on at 20 past 10?

Yeah. Yeah. You tell them, Frank. I did a lot of shouting at the telly. Yeah, they should just put the test card on until they've got some answers, shouldn't they? But I do. They used to have the test card back until they've got some answers, shouldn't they? But I do, I do. They used to have the test card back in the day, wouldn't it?

Yeah. What about when, uh, David Dimbleby got angry when the woman photobombed him? I never saw that. That must have happened when I was asleep. A cup of tea. Well, I think he was tempers were frayed and so were nerves, it would have been 5am. He can go a bit, my old mate David Dimbleby, he can really go a bit. Your needy friend.

Yeah, if he gets photobombed, he's particularly chopsy. He said, for God's sake. Did he? Yes. Oh, blaspheming as well. Have you noticed this thing that whenever you get a politician turn up somewhere with their wife, if it's one of the leaders I'm thinking of,

they're more being like, you know, the big ones being male. They turn up. So, you know, there was a shot of Miliband turned up to vote with his wife. And I'm waiting for it. I'm waiting for that moment when they point. They do a thing where they point. Yes, they do point. It's like a gratin cake.

Every time you see them together. When Cameron walked down the street back to number 10 with Sam Cam I thought it's got to happen, got to happen. I sent a cash, wait, I bet you, and he points at the, and they point at things like the camera men like look at that. I at the risk of

at the risk of sounding cynical I think this is a thing that they're told to do by advisors because seeing someone that they seem to know in the crowd makes them look sincere or something. So I think they do it deliberately. I don't know if he did that phone you know, nailed the phone up to the

the phone to the rear. Mine. And then looked at his watch. Five. I'll call you at five. Was it that? It makes them look more real. I think it makes them look in charge. I think it's a bit sex look more real. I think it makes them look in charge. Yeah. I think it's a bit sexist, in fact.

I think it's a bit sexy. No, I think it's sort of saying, well, she won't notice. If I don't point it out to her, she walks straight past it. You know, walk past the cameras picking her. No, she won't notice. There they are.

Look over there. But you watch out for it now. It's an absolute theme. Point. I think you absolute theme. Point. I think you're right. I think that's something they've been told to do to make them look pointy. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about Cheryl 507 has just started a text with Emily is right. Always my favourite one to begin. Wing is the next. Others take note. Emily is right. Definitely not, can I say.

Emily is right, I lied. Said one party, voted another. My own form of power. Wow. I like that she doesn't say which. No. She's a woman of mystery, very like myself. It's a secret ballot. What about where I live?

There was 113 votes for a candidate known as the Eurovisionary Carol. Right. Now the Eurovisionary Carol is a guy called Ronnie Carroll who when I was a kid was quite a big star.

Oh, yes. He's a British singing star. He's married to Miller St Martin, he used to sing on. That was the week that was. So they were in a bit of a show. If at any point I can join this conversation, I'll let you know. You know, Luke and Jamie Carroll, whatever are they up to now? Well, anyway, so...

Good-looking boys. I'm taken, but they're good-looking. So he stood, Ronnie Carroll, as the Eurovisionary Carroll. Called the Eurovisionary Carroll because he was in Eurovision twice. Brilliant. I mean, absolutely brilliant. He got 113 votes, despite the fact that he died in April. No.

Yeah. God bless him. Sad news, I know. But it does say on the ballot paper, sadly, this candidate died in April. Still got 113 votes. Wow. That's what I mean about the slight randomness of people's choices. Unless that was a deliberate, um, it could have been a homage. Yeah.

People got in trouble, Frank, for taking selfies, didn't they? Yes. Apparently there was a prison fine if you did that. Oh, there was a fine and a prison sentence, I apologise. What, for taking selfies? Yes. Oh, in the... In the booth? Oh, I apologise. What, for taking selfies? Yes. Oh, in the... In the booth. I think it's awkward because I think you're allowed to take...

Is it hashtag orcs? I think you're allowed to take photographs of yourself, but you're not allowed to then reveal how somebody else has voted, so if somebody else sends that picture on, they can get in trouble or something. I just put my hand up. I'll tell you what it is, Frank. Can I answer this? You should have said Lady in the Blue Shirt.

You're not allowed to share it. That's it. You're allowed to take the photograph, the act of taking a photograph, but the minute you share it, you go to prison. I thought it's illegal to take a photograph of a pencil on a string. I could be wrong.

Back to Eurovision. Pencil on a string. I could be wrong. Back to Eurovision. Pencil on a string. What's amazing to me is that we've ended up, I'm not saying rightly or wrongly, but it is amazing to me that we've ended up with a Prime Minister of the country who got his football team wrong and ate a hot dog with cutlery.

I mean, that, to me, is... They are two fairly big PR gaffes, aren't they? Like I was saying earlier, we're more accepting now of people's differences. I think that him... Hot dog with cutlery. I do wish to get personal. Oh, I agree with you on that. But the success of Mr Cameron

and me as Sturgeon suggests an anti-lips movement going through Britain. It's all... What's wrong? What's happening? Next thing we know it's for Kenneth Branagh to get in power. Ricky laughs What- suddenly they've turned against lips. I mean it used to be- when I was a

kid when Mick Jagger was massive. Morton Harker. We need a Kardashian on the scene. Yeah. Put things right. Balance things out. But fancy that they've turned against that. Sounded a little bit creepy when you said that, Al.

What? Morton Harker? No. Well, for sure. Here's the question for you. How much does Alex Salmond hate, hate Jessica? Because she, because she is absolutely. Nicola. Nicola, sorry. How much does he hate Nicola? She's Sturgeon. Oh, yeah. She's, she is, that's another woman he hates, I won't tell you about. That's it. Oh, God. Because she is, That's another woman he hates, I won't tell you about. That's it. Oh, God, because she is... No, she's so the face.

Oh, dear. And they can't run side by side because, obviously, the crankies factor would... Frank? That would go against... Well, come on, that would be a pretty... They could do a... If they had a sense of humour,

if they went to a big celebratory party for that as the Crankies, wouldn't you think better of them? Yeah. She's had a successful restart, though. I'll give her that. I think she's, you know, an attractor. I couldn't live without lips. Good pair of pins.

Quite Mrs Brown's boys. Yeah. Why is it that men have always got such good legs when they dress up as women? You've got one of the best legs I've ever seen. One of the best legs. The other one's very gnarled. Extremely gnarled.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say, though, although I was really very, very interested and fascinated by the election coverage... Yes.

..and I didn't... No disrespect to you and yours, but I didn't watch the comedy thing. I really stuck with the factual stuff. I sort of flipped. That's because David Dimbleby was texting you all night, saying, are you watching me? But even in the midst of all that, there was a caption on, I think on Sky, that said, Ed Ball's defeat.

And I thought, that sounds like someone just working their way down the body parts. So I had to mix it up. I mixed it up a bit. Yeah. For my own entertainment. Oh, but there was some sad bits. What was that then?

What about Vince Cable, my crush? Oh, God. Your crush? Gone. What was that, then? Well, it... Oh, what about Vince Cable, my crush? Oh, God, your crush? Gone. I mean, consolable. Gone, but not forgotten. Not by me, certainly. And I'm really going to miss Nigel Farage's coat. You know that Arthur Daly coat?

Yes. He wore that on every interview. Yes. And, of course, I shall miss George Galloway's trilby. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know he's got one of those... What's he called? Gunter Von Hagen. Yes And of course I shall miss George Galloway's trilby Yeah You know he's got one of those, what's he called, Gunter von Hagen Oh yes Who did the Dead Bodies exhibitions, he's got the same hat

Yeah he has Who wears a trilby to turn up for your election announcement? Well is he wearing a trilby in a sort of Dave Stewart way, if you know what I mean Well I don't think he's bald, is he? Well we'll never know because he's always wearing a trilby in a sort of Dave Stewart way, if you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Well, I don't think he's bald, is he? Well, we'll never know, because he's always got the trilby on. Yeah. It's worked. It's like an election in 1930s Chicago.

And also, on the subject of hats, who in this day and age thinks it's a good idea to say, if this poll is true, I'll eat my hat? Surely, the moment that comes out, you think, oh, God, I'm going to have to eat a hat tomorrow. And he did it. Paddy Ashdown said it. I know he said it. Oh, I thought you meant when he did it, he ate the hat.

No, he said, he said, I'll eat it. He said, I'll eat my hat. And he said, I'll eat it on this programme. And then they got a hat after. They got him a hat. Did they give him the hat? And he said, well, I think I should do it. And he kept on, Alistair Campbell said he'd eat his kilt.

Yeah. That'd be a sight for sore eyes. Well, I wouldn't mind eating a kilt. I mean, it doesn't come into contact. Can I just say, I would watch Vince Cable eating pretty much anything. What's, um... I don't know what to say. Here's my question.

It's a bit off topic. What's Ed Miliband gonna do with that eight foot stone with the pledges carved into it? Did you see that? I think he's gonna have it broken up and made into a bar in his house. Ed's love shack. But you know, like, when he resigned, he must have had to go into the Labour HQ and clear his office, like get, you know, family pictures from his desk and stuff. Do you think he had to say to some of the bigger boys in the office, can you help me out with this?

Can you get that into this bin liner for me? I need to put it to the back of a Ford Transit with a long wheelbase. I do see he doesn't want that job, does he? Come on. He made a good impression of looking like he wanted that job. They've been campaigning for months. But when you vote, whoever you vote for, it's quite sad when one of them has to go, I felt a bit. But there was a terrible thing.

He's not Big Brother. It is a lot like Big Brother, isn't it? There's a bit when Ed said, he said, we've come back before and this party, and he did that thing which I would never have the guts to do. He said, we've come back before and this party will come back again. And I always think, what if they don't clap? They just look like a bloke shouting.

What if you go into that clap and we will come back again! Oh. I mean, can you imagine? I just wouldn't have the, never assume. Daisy, could you write that down, What If They Don't Clap, book number four for finding out. No, but you know, um, you know that the Chris Evans shouting, I mean, I think he's doing that thing tonight, the V thing, they'll be like, are you having a good time?

If no one comes back to you, imagine. Do you think he says that to his wife in the bedroom? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm going to have to play some music. I think you've delved into the personal life of a national institution. And I don't mean Barnardo's. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We should really have an update on another friend of the show. We should really amass who all the friends of the show are. There aren't that many, you know. I don't know how this bloke's

knocked under the wire. I wouldn't know him if he came in here now. But he's a friend of the show are. There aren't that many, you know. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't know how this bloke's knocked under the wire. I still wouldn't, I wouldn't know him if he came in here now. But he's a friend of the show. We're going to talk about Robin Thicke. Friend of the show! Catherine Port and Robin Thicke. Yeah, it's a strange bunch, isn't it? It is.

He's been in the papers again. You know, he was married, but now he has a 20-year-old girlfriend. How old's Thicko? Thicko. Thicko's... Thicko. He's not at my school.

Stupid. I'd say... That's why you and him could never be friends, BTW. Yeah. Because you would insist on calling him that. I'm sure he doesn't want me calling him Robin. Thicko is 38. 38-year-old singer. He's got a 20 Vico is 38. 38-year-old singer.

He's got a 20-year-old singer. Showbiz. 30-year-old singer, Vico. Showbiz, you can take off 15 years off your age, I'm told. Is that right? Yeah, so it's not so bad. Oh, 15 you say. Okay.

Yeah. He's been up to his old tricks again. There's no easy way of saying it, Al. And some new tricks. He's been up to his young tricks. Yeah, she's 20 years old, and apparently they couldn't stop canoodling on an aeroplane. Could have been worse.

There could have been an aeroplane on a canoe. Aeroplane-ling. Sorry, that's just rubbish. I am going to resign. I'd like to... But I'll always support this radio show, but I feel I no longer continue and take full responsibility for the last year would you like to thank the police

no because i always hated playing them there was a lot of thanking of the police going on they'd lost the room hadn't they when in doubt yeah anyway sorry al uh no they were uh they were canoodling on an airplane and uh and a woman said they had an obnoxious make-out session. Oh, dear. That is a zing, isn't it? I mean, nobody likes the idea that their canoodling is obnoxious. Well, I think what was obnoxious about it was that they were doing it, the obnoxious make-out session, whilst people were boarding. In a thoroughfare? Wow.

In the aisle? In the aisle. Yeah, it's the thoroughfare thing, isn't it? Yeah. That's the problem. It's like those people who stand and put stuff in the overhead locker. Oh. The block you are.

You don't want people snogging in the aisle as well. No. Especially with the current anti-lips thing going through. Though apparently Marvin Gaye used to snog on aeroplanes all the time. So I think he might have nicked the idea from him. Do you think so? Yeah. Why's this going?

Because he nicked him and Thingy, Pharrell Williams, nicked the tune, didn't they, from Marvin Gaye's song for their big hit. Oh, yeah. Thanks for getting out on the music radio show. Barely. Just help me get this large boulder up this steep hill.

He was doing some of his contemporary music material. Come on, that was a big news story. It was decent. OK, OK, let's move on now. Anyone who got that at home, thank you so much for being there for me. What do we feel about PDAs, public displays of affection? Well, one thing I don't like about PDAs is that they're about PDAs, public displays of affection? Well, one thing I don't like

about PDAs is that they're called PDAs. Is it? Because snogging someone, which is what it always is, to me is not a display of affection. What is it then? Affection is like when you take the risk of pulling a bit of dry skin off someone's nose.

Oh my goodness. It's not affection, is it? It's that early stages when you just can't leave them alone. I wouldn't call it affection. Public displays of... Foolishness. Fancying. All right. Fancying.

I think PDFs is already used up. Yeah. You can't use that one now. Public displays. I don't understand the airplane thing, though. Or the Bethel bird in the sky, as you are fond of calling it. What, how do they get them off the ground? No, I don't understand the airplane thing, though. Or the metal bird in the sky, as you are fond of calling it. What, how do they get them off the ground? No, I don't actually understand that at all.

What about the humble bumblebee? I mean, it shouldn't be able to fly. That's one of those things that people say, that they think they're the only person who's ever read it. Bumblebee apparently shouldn't be able to fly, engineering-wise. Sorry, carry on. That's a bit, uh, Gary Oldman's sister, isn't it? It is.

Um, yes, I just find it's not a place to be amorous, frankly. No. All of that disinfected toilet business, I don't understand it. I don't like it. Um. I don't understand the disinfected toilet business. What does that mean? Well, they the loos you know

you know what I mean what do they call it the mile high club oh yes that's something I'm a member of yes you're not I'm not going into that on breakfast radio that's what the woman said how dare you

she was talking about the disinfected loo anyway so we mustn't talk about that I don't even want to think about it But I think when you're Snogging on a plane You're probably just making hay while the sun shines

Because once the oxygen mass come down Yes That's that Have you ever been on a plane Yes I've been on a plane When the oxygen masks have come down Because sometimes they come down accidentally apparently Imagine that

Have you seen that Al on Briney I'd love to see them all dangling I imagine it's a bit Chinese New Year Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio With the big bold flavour Of HP sauce Absolute Absolute Radio Frank HP sauce. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One more thing on Robin Thicke's girlfriend, who's 20, and is stunning, I think. She's, um, I've seen her. Oh, creepy much? I know.

Well, she's one of these, she Instagrams herself in a bikini. She's one of those people. Well, I believe she works as a... Thick and thin, I call them. Very good. She works as a model, but it does make reading the article quite confusing because it keeps saying Robin Thicke's model girlfriend, which makes her sound a bit eager to please.

Yeah. Or like she's balsa wood. Can I do anything else for you? Like, she's a model girlfriend. She could have been a model girlfriend, I think. Do people still do those airfix? I remember I did an airfix. Oh, I wish they would.

I love those. I did a big, I did a viking, airfix viking. I didn't let the glue dry on the lower, on the lower, the legs be. And he was leaning back. It was like a viking about to do a big spit. When the upper body goes... It looked like that.

The spitting viking, I called it. It's actually now become the sequel to The Vicar's Saliva, my erotic novel range. You know who we also need to talk about? Another friend of the show. Hold on one minute. Friend of the show! It's only Pope Franny.

Yeah. Pardon? He's been showing off his mad skills with the Harlem Globetrotters. The Harlem Globetrotters is so much a thing from my childhood. I can't tell you how massive the Harlem Globetrotters. What about the Pope? He's pretty massive.

They were like, nowadays, like leggings. That's how big they were. Right. They were everywhere, the Harlem Globetrotters. And they were like sports, but also, you know, entertainment. Yes, they were. I can't remember the names. Meadow Lark Lemon.

Pardon? Oh, well done. And there was a bloke called Curly who had a bald head, which at the time I thought was pretty funny. That is funny. They got Franny to spin a basketball. Can you not call him that? Can you call him His Holiness?

No, I'm not calling him His Holiness. They got him to spin a basketball on his finger. They should have been there when David Cameron arrived. As soon as they did the point, go straight in with the spinning basketball. But I feel it was a bit unfair because it looks like one of those skills that takes about 10,000 hours to achieve. It's one of those 10,000

hours things, I think. And he wasn't up to the job. Hats off to him. He gave it a go. Very small white hats off to him. No, his finger didn't look strong enough. That's because, you see, had it been Pope Benedict Or John Paul II, who was always telling people off

They'd get a lot more finger action So you'd wear proper shoes, Pope? The wagging, yeah, that Benedict was But because the new one is more gentle and kind He doesn't do much finger wagging Which is why I think he'd be fine with Franny I think he'd be down with that He'd be alright with the first name terms

I have to say there's a picture in the paper of him looking at some Harlem Globetrotters who are spinning a basketball on their finger, and he looks like the happiest man on earth. It really does. That's it with the Harlem Globetrotters. It's the power of a ball being spun on a finger as well. The whole family would gather round and watch them on the telly.

Yeah, but don't say to the Pope, thanks, man. It's disrespectful. Is that what they said? Yeah, but don't say to the Pope, thanks, man. It's disrespectful. Is that what they said? Yeah, they did. Thanks, man. I hate them now. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, so I was... So, Arnold, do you approve of the Pope doing those sort of promotional activities? I think he's just, you know, greeting visitors to Vatican City. He's not doing any harm, is he? No. He's unusually worn night robes though, isn't he? They gave him

an Harlem Globetrotters vest with Pope Francis on the back. Yeah, and he won't get much wear out of that. A number 90 on it, though. Yeah, why's that? I don't know. I couldn't make it out. Someone will know at home. They'll be able to help us out. By the way, I've been interviewing this week.

Have you? I've been interviewing people to work with. Oh, yeah. Awkward. Yeah, it was a bit. Thanks a lot. I said, what are we going down? I thought I might leave you with...

Go on. Daisy, the show producer, is in the meeting with me and we're talking to this guy and we're talking about working together he said one thing I don't like arguing with people and I said no no neither do I and I could sense Daisy really looking at me

that is not true I could honestly I couldn't see her. I had no, my peripherals. Yeah. But I just knew. And then I thought, no, I'm probably imagining it. So we carried on.

And after she said to me, I can't believe you said, you don't like arguing. Well, what can you say? Come and work with me and I'll tell you what I like. Arguing with people. It's one of my best things. Arguing, yeah. Well, I don't like arguing. I'm not averse to it. No. That's what I'm saying.

You're very good at it. What about my new anti-git regime? It's working for me. Exactly. Yeah, this is the beginning of it. But there's people who, they won't let you change. That's what I'm saying.

I once claimed your worst quality on a radio show, publicly. I said it was your inability, your complete inability to conceal your true emotions. Yeah, but see, I think that's a good thing. Anyway, coming up next is Pete Donaldson. See? No, actually, I really like him. That was a joke.

That was a joke. That was a joke. And, no, he's next. And thank you so much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.