The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Elephant Garlic

Episode Date: March 2, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has joined a less volatile book club. The team discuss Theresa May's meerkat remark, sharing pyjamas and Chelsea's goalkeeper debacle.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now. Now. Now. See, that's how I used to go to an Irish pub Wherever I walked in The landlord would go Now

Now I arrived this We have a bit of a tradition I'm sure anyone listening to this Who works in a Apparently there are people listening to this Who work according to research Oh yeah

So 37% 37 37 i find that extraordinary yeah and a percentage of people listening to this without a hangover four so um when we get in in the morning to the radio station here in golden square in the heart of london an enormous uh conurbation in south-east England. And our arrivals are staggered, aren't they? They are staggered. We don't come in like the Beatles in Help when they open four separate doors

and then end up in the same house. Much to my disappointment. There you go. Did I tell you when I went to a dinner party at Andrew Lloyd Webber's and he... Clang! I thought he's just got this little not a little house

but I thought I thought he'd be somewhere bigger than this and when I opened it he got like the whole terrace just like that Beethoven's thing the four front doors

excellent yeah I was met by a butler no oh I love being met by a butler well I'm not often met by a butler

he said would you like to come straight up or do you want to have a look at the swimming pool? What? Anyway, I don't want to be one to gossip, but the swimming pool had got a sort of... Where was it then?

Was it Basmont or was it, did he go, I mean, higher floor is pricey. No, we went, it was a lift. Oh, shut up. I know, yeah. It was... Do you know, you've done so well for yourself. Yeah, mixing with the Lloyd Webbers.

There was a reason, there was a specific reason for it. I interviewed him on the telly, and he said, I don't have any ideas at the moment, I'm desperate for a new musical idea on the show. And a woman said, I've written an adaptation of The Woman in White. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And which is about Miley Cyrus.

I always think of her in white. Is that fair? I don't really know. I think she's to favour a white jean. Okay. That's the only way I'm admitting to thinking of her. Yeah. Whenever I see her on the wrecking ball,

I always think of the advice my mum gave me about emeralds and sitting on cold surfaces. That's the age I've got to. Anyway, where were we? Meanwhile, over at the Lloyd Webber's lift. Yeah, we were never there. Oh, yes, so we were in reception. We were in reception here at No. 1 Golden Square. And basically, we did a bad thing.

It was the cockerel's birthday. When was it, Al? 8th of Feb. 8th of Feb. We missed it. And the week before, I think, we'd had an enormous celebration, not only for me,

but for Fay, the assistant producer, and our birthdays. There was cake and everything. Lovely. When I think what Al's inner life was like that next week, when it wasn't mentioned. What did he think? Well, he didn cake and everything. Lovely. When I think what Al's inner life was like that next week, when it wasn't mentioned. What did he think when we didn't say anything? I don't know. I think you might be

overthinking it. Well, I mean... To be fair, Al's not as... I don't know if I have that trouble than in a life. No, but was it despair or malice, or somewhere in between? We'll never know. I mean, I would have reacted in a very GC way, I think. You reckon?

Yeah, but then you don't have my out-of-control ego. See, I would have just said the week before, don't forget it's my birthday next week. I mean, I think... If you're not, everyone's like you, Faye. No, but I think you've got to help people. If that horse has already bolted, then you can't... You can't pedal on it, can you?

You can't turn back the clock, can you? What I would have done is the following week gone on. It's interesting how we all would have dealt with it. Al says nothing. Frank would have given them a heads up. You know what I would have done? Saved it up for week two. Following week, I would have said, oh, I got some lovely presents.

People were so kind to me. I feel so generous and loved. My friends really looked after me. Well, I would have done it, but I would have done it on air. So I'd have said, no, as many of you out there know, it was my birthday last week and then talked about that. I'm sorry, Al, we missed your birthday. Oh, we're really sorry. I've got over it, everyone. Thank you. Well, we're doing a light celebration. I did get nice things, yes. I've received nice things. Thank you, everyone. Was it a jujitsu diary?

I got a jujitsu diary, yeah. I mean, come on. And what about his squabbling nuts? Unfortunately, he tore the damn thing in half before we could get a single entrant in there. Got a T-shirt, got a travel mug. Wipeable T-shirt for nosebleeds. Frank,

can we just clarify what is on the travel mug? A cockerel. Yeah, I mean, come on. In the end, we came late but we came well.

Yeah, yeah, it was good. I don't want that to be my epitaph. No. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, So we'd signed Al's card So we signed Al's birthday card That's the way it works So when we got in I knew from speaking to the producer We were also doing a card for Emily Yes Which because Emily's book comes out on the 7th, Emily's new book.

Exciting. Everybody Died So I Got a Dog comes out on Thursday. Please buy it. Oh, Frank. Well, you helped me think of the title. During the radio show, I seem to remember. I think it was during the show. No, it was you that thought of the title.

Can I also say while we're at it that Catherine Ryan will be interviewing Emily at Leicester Square Theatre at three o'clock this afternoon about the book. Now, Emily Dean and Catherine Ryan, you're talking two very, very funny people. It's a lot of people. I noticed I said people.

Yeah. Not two very funny women, which always means like, it's when people say probably one of the best strikers in the championship. No. People. No. People. Oh, I'm really chuffed with that.

Agreed, 100. Go. If I could go, I'd go. Yeah, me too. I can't go. Well, thank you for that, Frank. No, anyway, so I knew we were doing a card in a sort of a, you know, it's your book coming out.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. The Clandestine Film Festival, I think, as Joanna Lombly was talking about. That would be good. The Clandestine Film Festival. Very, very low profile. But you know what?

That would have been a better joke. It would have been a better joke. You know. But we don't have time to go through. What would have been a better joke? No. So. So we're in the lobby of Absolute Radio.

So we arrived fairly... Simultaneously. Very simultaneously in a... I mean, the sort of thing that make the staff suspicious kind of a way. And there's a man on... There's a security guard man whose name I don't know, I'll be honest with you. No, hello, though, because he'll be listening to this now, FYI.

Yeah, that's all right. OK. And he said, we went to walk off and I said, oh, there's a card to sign, isn't there? And he got two cards out. Emily was walking back, so I grabbed Emily's card. And I thought, I've done well there. And I was carrying a Macintosh over one arm. As is your want. I thought I've done well there. And I was carrying a Macintosh over one arm.

As is your want. As I might do if I was a businessman on my way to work in 1958. Yeah. So I tucked the card under there. Is that why you were carrying the Macintosh in that strange fashion? Yeah. So I had it over my arm, like in my shoplifting days when I stole the Kinks Moswell Hillbillies

by hanging a jacket over the sleeve of the LP as if I was carrying out some sort of strange coat hanger. Anyway, so as we walked away, I thought I've done well here. We signed your card out and then as we walked away

I heard, there was two cards. I said, I don't think he said, no, there were two, there were definitely two cards. And I thought, am I going to let him think he's had some breakdown? And he was looking everywhere and I was, Emily

was looking at me and Emily was going, no, there isn't another card. I said, there aren't two cards, but you know what I liked, Al? I got a little insight into Frank's acting skills. Oh, yeah. And I liked it because he went a bit Crossroads Motel. He went a bit, what? I nearly asked for my keys at reception.

Two cards, you say? Yeah, so in the end, I had to just completely fess up. You fessed up. I said, yeah, we have got a card for you. I'm just going to sign it now. I think you said you've ruined it. I did say you've ruined it. And he apologised and I said it's all right.

But I said it's all right in a way that's... You know when that it's all right, you say when it isn't all right? Yeah. How was he to know? No. Yeah. But ruined it, he did.

I mean, he did offer me the chance to sign my own card as well. Did he? Did he really? Yeah. He's got a form. He's got a form sheet. What is he called? The birthday spoiler. Why don't we vow now to stop doing this secret card thing

and just make it very upfront? Do you know what? I'm tired of the dance. Yes. We do the dance all the time. There is a story, I don't know if it's true, but there was a rumour that when Tony Blair was leaving,

he was going to retire the first time from the leadership. Not Tony Brown, that's the former Gordon Brown. Gordon Brown. Thought he was going

to get the job earlier. And there is a, this may be apocryphal, but that David Blunkett said to Tony Blair, do you want to sign Tony's leaving card? Now, I don't know if that's true, but if it is, obviously that must have been an awkward moment.

Tony, being the great diplomat, would have signed it, presumably. But it was a bit, yeah, let's put a stop. No more secret cards. Shall we forget the secret, no more secrecy? OK. It's a weird campaign in this days of activism. No more secret cards. Shall we forget the secret? No more secrecy. Okay. It's a weird campaign in this days of activism. No more secret cards. I think

offices across the country. I tell you what let's go the whole, let's stop Secret Santa as well. Yeah, yeah. Get it trending. I don't want that cheap stuff in my house. No, exactly. I told you about when I played it for two and a half days at GCHQ. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. I've got an email. You know, I like to do my Friday night trawl. Oh, I do. This came in around 10pm last night. Oh, I love your trawl, Al. It's already piqued my interest by the title of the email,

Is This Weird? It's a line we've all used. I think so. ITW. When my husband gets up to go for a wee in the night, before he returns to bed... Yes, that's weird. Can we say that?

That's it. I think we can. Hold on. I can change it to pass water if you prefer. It's opening his journal. When my husband passes water in the night, before he returns to bed, he feels his arms to feel which is the coldest

so he knows that's the side he needs to sleep on next in order to not feel uncomfortable. I think this is weird. He disagrees. Opinion, please. And that's from Pamela. I think that's downright bizarre. That sounds like a circulatory problem.

Waiting to be diagnosed. I doubt that either of my arms are warmer than the other one in the middle of the night. No, I think he's got a point. As I think Billy Joel said. Oh, in the middle of the night, when I'm checking my arms, and the right one is cold. Yeah, that is...

Why would you want to lie on your cold one? Hang on. Can we just... Because you're trying to create a sort of evenness of wear and tear. So one arm. Can I just establish how you men work? One arm, very late in the day. I'm pretty sure the arms in the male and female are pretty similar.

You're not going to ask too much details about the getting up in the night. No, don't worry, darling. In my drinking days, the idea was the arms would be at the side and the forehead would be supporting you against the wall. That's the way I used to do it, but now... Oh, I've just seen the relevance of the arm. OK. Yeah.

OK. So basically... Sorry. But the arm is cold. Why would one arm be colder? I think he's been sleeping on his right side. So the left one's got cold. But both arms under the duvet.

I mean, that's the other thing. Also, I was thinking this. I was watching The Brits. I was watching Little Mix. Oh, yeah. What's she called for Lippo Lippi? Dua Lipa. That's one of the painters from the Florentine Renaissance.

I was honestly able to say, I mean not in a comic way not in an ironic way, in an honest way that I wear more in bed than they were wearing in a public forum. So I don't really have the I've got lots of stuff on. I'm heavily laden.

Oh, yeah. I thought you just went for the pyjama top. Are you going for a bottom now? No, I've gone, as I've got older, I can't do that anymore. Oh, really?

Yeah. Because I was, I went through affairs that I nearly mentioned to you about a year ago that I was just wearing the pyjama bottom. Ah.

And I was thinking we could probably go halves on a fair. Do you know what? I've got to say... In the summer, I'm up for that. Yeah, all right. Oh, I'd love that.

I've got to say... I'm guessing Al wears the Kung Fus, the black ones with the red dragon down the leg. That and only that. I'm thinking more of a Kill Bill affair. The yellow, maybe. Oh, if he slept in the yellow maybe the black stripe on the side

the bride that'd be good can I just say yes when you said that I do like that look if I'm honest just the pyjama

the pyjama bottom is a good look I mean I say that in a completely platonic way yeah well 90% platonic but I like the

pyjama bottom Frank Frank. I think you need to go for that look, not just the top. No, but remember, Al's best bit is his upper body, I would say. That's his great strength. I don't think so. Al's best bit is his upper body. Whereas I have to, otherwise, it'll just look like a skeleton getting out of a linen basket. I don't know if you've ever seen that. It's a haunting image. Sounds it. Yeah, but let's go halves on a pair of pajamas.

All right. I'll tell you what, you can choose the color. All right. Because I don't know about you, I sleep in the dark. May I just briefly return to Pamela's husband? Can I ask a question? Yes. Sure. a question? Yes. Sure.

Buffalo mozzarella. Yes. Does it emanate in any way from a buffalo? I believe so. I'm saying yes. Buffalo, yeah, I would imagine so. I thought it might be used buffalo as to mean big, big, chunky mozzarella. Oh, right.

You know, like a jumbo sail. Oh, yeah. Or elephant, like jumbo sail. Oh, yeah. Or elephant garlic. What's elephant garlic? It's like big garlic. I don't like either of those. Is that true? I believe that.

I'm doubting it now. Now you're all challenging it, but I'm pretty sure it's a thing. I don't really like either of those things, though. What, elephants or garlic? I'm not big on either. You don't like elephants? Oh, right, but their skin's bad. Their skin is. That is true. I've not big on either. You don't like elephants? Oh, right, but their skin's bad. Their skin is.

That's true. I've been extremely close to, I've been surrounded by elephants in a terrifying way. Have you seen one fly, though? No, never. But, no, I've been, I once got cornered by a group of elephants. I'm not making this up.

And they were, I was with my girlfriend at the time. And they surrounded us. and we couldn't, I tried to push them out the way. Oh, I don't think I'd like that. And you can't, you can't do that. What happened? In the end, the keeper, the keeper managed, I could hear lots of, come off, get back, back off. And, and yeah, a keeper had invited,

I can't say what zoo it was, but a keeper had invited... I can't say what zoo it was. But a keeper had invited us in. He said, do you want to go in the elephant house? So we got in. I thought it would be great to get that close to the elephants. Absolutely. It's like trying to push a tree over, trying to push... Oh, yeah.

But they got closer and closer, and I thought, we're going to be crushed. You didn't have a... Like elephant garlic. That's why it's called elephant garlic also looks a little bit like, well anyway so yeah terrifying

that was, the smell of them and core, they're so core, I mean he found Adam cares where you don't expect them Frank on the face, a lot of facial hair and also a lot of I could have held the trunk, A lot of facial hair. And also a lot of... I know their feelings. I could have held the... I mean, the trunk, the feel of the trunk, quite muscular.

A trunk, you could be beaten up with the trunk. Yeah. Oh, God. I wish I'd had a bit of... Please. If I'd have had a bit of Parmesan, though, that'd be good for the grating. Yes.

The skin. That is one of the upsides of the elephant. Sorry, Al. Yes, from buffaloes. They Yes. That is one of the sides of the elephant. 017 has confirmed yes from buffaloes. They are, it is from buffaloes. Well I don't know, that could be someone from buffaloes speaking, yes, from buffaloes speaking in her vernacular. Okay, I see.

Yes, from buffaloes. Any confirmation on the elephant garlic, yes. Any elephant garlic news? Frank, you must have an app for that with alerts on. Elephant garlic alerts, haven't you? I think I've got... I was looking at elephant babies frolicking on YouTube only yesterday. Is that your happy place?

It was. If Frank is sad, does he watch elephant babies? No, my son has got a book. I love an animal video. I'll tell you what it is. My son has got a book. I love an animal video. I'll tell you what it is. My son has got a book with, it's got these, I don't know what you'd call them, but you scan them and then it takes you to a place on the internet.

Do you know what I mean? It's very, very modern. I know. It sounds modern. And so it's got a picture, tells you about elephants in a book and then it says to see some elephant children frolicking. You hold it on the book and there you are. I mean, it's the most

interactive thing i've ever been involved in and i'm including um conversation so yeah it's a wonderful thing we live in a brit an amazing age in so many ways yeah let's just establish that agreed disagree 8 12 no no so Mozzarella is the milk of the buffalo. I believe so. Well, it says years from buffaloes. Can that be right? The milk of the buffalo. I think so.

Buffalo Bill. Yeah. I don't know why you want to bring him up. No, okay, I won't. The question was too complex. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Apparently, according to 361, yes, elephant garlic is a thing.

We sell it. Get in. That's from Vicky at Claremont Garden Centre. Yes. But clearly nothing to do with the elephant, that one. No. That's how we distinguish the buffalo and mozzarella. Yeah.

Also, 554 has texted, read the cold arm question, which could be a Lend-It and novel. I often have one arm over the duvet to provide some temperature balance, so that arm does indeed feel colder, but I've never had to use it as a gauge of which side I was sleeping on.

Not yet, anyway. Well, you see what I find that most of this happens while I'm asleep right so I'm less aware well I feel his pain because I sleep on my right side as a preference because if I sleep on my left side my left shoulder collapses under me and then I wake up with a problematic left shoulder. Oh, you don't want that. So I actively try to sleep on my right side. And sometimes when I'm in bed, I will lie a bit like, you know those sort of painted lines you see on the floor of... When people have been killed.

New York. Are you referring to a John Doe? Yeah. As I believe they're called. So I lie in bed like a John Doe on purpose so that if I do end up sleeping on one side, it's not the side that the hand is upwards. I mean, it's Mrs Cockrell I feel sorry for.

What's she got? What's she got, an old armpit in the corner? I thought a John Doe was an unidentified dead body. It is. Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah. But they might call it that as well. Splitting elephant ears.

I'm more like the outline around sets. The chalk outline. I don't like the sound of the collapsing shoulders. Oh, yeah, it hurts. But my left side needs some shoulder stability. I'm not conscious of which side I sleep on, Frank. Well, look at you. Well, I start off with all sorts.

But I think, have you ever thought, I'm going to sleep on this side? No, I've never, ever. Really? Yeah, I just, you know what, I just let it flow. I'm a very spontaneous character. We're all so different, aren't we? I go where the fancy takes me. People are so different.

I've never tried the stand-in-op thing that horses do. I mean, either. There must be a human being listening to this show who just... It amazes me now, at my age, I've never thought, well, I'll give that a go, just one night to sleep standing up,

see how it goes. You've slept in a chair, presumably. Oh, I've slept in a chair, certainly. I've slept in a chair, but I've never been to me. To be fair, it was a local anaesthetic. Oh, no, it wasn't, it was a general. I slept in a chair, but I've never been to me. To be fair, it was a local anaesthetic. Oh, no, it wasn't. It was a general. I slept in a chair. He was a gladiator.

No, I've never, ever slept in a chair. I can only sleep in a bed. I've actually slept in a chair with my feet up against a wall like a Wild West deputy. Excellent. Not normally the sheriff, incidentally, but more often the deputy is left minding the sheriff's office while the sheriff is uptown talking to that beautiful showgirl

who he has a sort of willy-wanty relationship with. I sincerely hope your Stetson was pulled over your nose. If only I'd had a Stetson. I think I... Legs crossed. Waistcoat. I think I'd been... Of course, let us not forget that great celebration

of Buffalo Mozzarella by Bob Marley and the Wailers. Buffalo Mozzarella. Oh, yeah. Straight from the Buffalo... Remember that one? Yeah. I bet if we was to get the bootlegs of Bob Marley, I bet you Buffalo Soul just started as Buffalo Mozzarella.

I think that sounds like Waitrose does reggae. Yeah. That mix of it. Middle class spin-off. Well, of course. I was once woken up at Glastonbury. I was in a... You went to Glastonbury? Yeah, I performed at Glastonbury. I was in a... You went to Glastonbury?

Yeah, I performed at Glastonbury in the children's tent. Did you? It was a mistake in the book. A time when I was a foul-mouthed comedian. I couldn't do it. This is not true. No, I did an eight hours on. I know this about you.

Well, I don't know. I think you'll find it in my autobiography. It's still available. It's still available. Still available at charity shops across... Anyway, I woke up next to the military band impressionist, Chris Luby, in a tent we were sharing. I was woken by... Which is always anxiety-causing.

It's making me tense now. And also the sound of Bob Marley's greatest hits. And of course, when I looked out the window, it was a white middle-class man juggling, listening to Bob Marley. And that, my friend, is one of the nice sides of modern Britain. Good night. No, no, it's not the end. Frank Skinner on the radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochrane. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. My goodness me. Frank, I'd like to start this next hour with news from a gentleman called Sam

in Vancouver. He had a question regarding, I'm going to call it an opinion regarding book club. Do you remember your book club incident? I think you can call it an incident. Any new or intermittent readers of the show.

I got involved with a family book club, which I thought was great. I had the best night of my life, and then I realised after everyone else had hated. Not everyone else, but it was a tense, emotional evening for many people. Not me. Unbeknownst to you. No, exactly. I was just driving a sledgehammer through their dreams. But it's about opinions, you know, and other people's opinions.

I'm not, you know, I think that they're there to be challenged. Okay. Well, this is what Sam in Vancouver, a.k.a. Prisoner452, has to say on the matter of you and book clubs. OK. Ree Frank's surprised at how badly he'd fahered

at a book club recently. I'm currently going through your show's wonderful back catalogue. Apologies, by the way, for the inadvertent praise there. I didn't spot it. As I work away in the mountains of British Columbia... Wow. May I please direct you to the...

It's the amount of... Could he possibly be amount of? Ah. It's possible. Oh, I hope so. I wonder what he'll say. May I please direct you to the podcast

of February the 3rd, 2018. Oh, it's very judicial. It is. In which Frank's brother-in-law starts a book club. So this would be this time last year. Emily asks if he will be

competitive with Kath in the book club Frank Skinner says and I quote verbatim I think it will be more wanting to be the most impressive at the seminar I am shocked therefore by F Skinner's surprise at his ill received gittery during the club's

recent meeting when he knowingly approached it in such a manner yes can I say that what we're talking about... He's not even offered let alone redacted Prisoner 452. Oh, come on. He already let some slip through, though, if you remember. It's back catalogue, so yeah. It will ooze out in the end.

So, Frank Skinner, your thoughts on your ill-received gittery? Well, let me tell you about that, because the brother-in-law starting a book club thing and the recent book club manifestation are one and the same thing. It just took my partner a year

to read a 325-page paperback book. And so we've been waiting on her to finish it. And that's Right. And so we've been waiting on her to finish it. And that's why. And maybe, it was Vinegar Girl

by Anne Tyler. Okay, yeah. But, yes, I'm not going back. Oh. Really? No, but I have,

I've got something which has slightly softened the blow. Oh. And I had a lovely, it was my birthday yesterday. No, it wasn't. I just tried the unincorrecting. I actually felt sick there. It was my birthday, yeah, end of Jan. I never got a stroke.

But listen, a lovely present I got was... Are you familiar with Dawn Books? Yes. It's a bookshop. I don't know, is it national? I believe it is. It's actually owned by Waterstones, I believe, now. Is it?

Yes, but it's a very popular... It's not owned by Waterstones, is it? It is, I believe, yeah. Tim Waterstone bought it, I believe. Yeah. You're not a fan of that? Well, just because sometimes I'll go indoors because I think, well, I'll support the smaller bookshop

rather than go to the... That's how they get you in these times. Yeah, exactly. I don't know who owns what. You find bird's custards owned by Castrol and all that stuff. I mean, it's very confusing. What are the other ones?

Tesco owns Harrison Hall, the independent coffee shop. I've never even heard of Harrison. But Daunt has a lovely tote. Oh, very popular tote. I've seen Eskiner wearing the tote. The tote bag. The Daunt tote. People are always carrying a Daunt tote, aren't they?

I know the woman who did that drawing. Do you? Stop name-dropping. It works for them all. Elephants. Lloyd Webber. I'm trying to get to this because the fez is burning a hole in there.

Can I do a cliffhanger on... Daunt book. On a daunt book birthday present. It's not exactly the... What's it called? What's the name of the falls that... You're asking us about the falls? Offenbach Falls or something like that.

Oh, yes, that's correct. No, I don't think it is. It's something like that. What, the Moriarty Homes one? Yeah. It is the Offenbach. Rick and Back. No, I think I'm thinking of...

Reichenbeck. Reichenbeck? Reichenbeck Falls Moriarty. So it's multiple choice, which they don't often do on this show. Yeah, it's one of those. Anyway, it's the great cliffhanger of all time. Yeah. I think you might say.

And can I just say we've had greetings from Italy. An Italian. Oh, there was Sylvester Mackay on the cliff face. But that was never. Yeah, I think that was less of a big moment, Frank. Turned out that was Clara, retrospectively. Anyway, let's not go into details. Frank, I'd also like to flag up, we've got greetings from Italy.

We have some hot news in on mozzarella di buffalo. OK. OK. OK. That'll hold on to them. The few left will stay for that. Frank Skinner on the radio. Alan Cochrane is cutting his belated birthday cake.

Made by Faye, our assistant producer. I mean, made. Beautifully made. Made. And it's got in the middle of it what looks like the chocolate version of Superman's Fortress of Solitude. Very good.

Very good observation. What a lovely reference. That's exactly what it Solitude. Very good. Very good observation. What a lovely reference. That's exactly what it's like. Yeah. Which is, I don't know if that was deliberate. Yeah. But brilliant, brilliant work. So, yes, so here's the present.

It's a year's subscription to Dawn Bookshop. to dawn bookshop and and what it means is they send you a book every month for you to read Oh lovely do you choose the book no oh this is the whole crux of it you do you know when you go into a restaurant I've ever been in a restaurant especially like I find Japanese restaurants for example you get the menu and it's like you're on page 11 thinking yeah have you ever said to the

can you just do it mate mate mate no, a bit informal I'd like to show my face again can you just do us like a... Just do some, you know, bits. Do us a...

And they say, well, I don't... I say, no, come on. Just do us some, you know, selection. And I love that. Well, you know Gordon Ramsay's rule, never more than a page, dear. Is that right? Never more than a page.

I think he recommends three dishes per... As he says, classic, simple, British. He just says three dishes for each option. That's it. You've cut out a lot of his swearing there. I know, I was thinking about it as I said this. That's why it's on your homepage. If you cut the swearing, it'd be a slim volume.

A novella. Isn't it amazing that a bloke made his name by swearing in the 21st century, where you'd think swearing might have lost some of its impact. Also swearing whilst cooking, which is every day in my house. Well, exactly. I mean, there's a lot of burning going on of your fingers, truly. Slicing of the ends of the fingers.

Yeah. Think forgetting stuff in the oven. It's a swearing fest, cooking. I'm speaking as an outsider, obviously. So they send you the book. Here's how it goes, right? You have to send them an email to start off with. It sounds like an advertising thing,

but still, I'm happy to advertise anything that makes people read books. Don't ask me how much it costs, because it was a gift. Who is it from? I don't need to write to say that. OK. So... Well, it Might be Andrew Lloyd Webber Yeah Do you think?

What about that elephant keeper? It definitely isn't from him Anyway, so I sent them an email saying Well, you know, I've read a lot of science fiction I'm currently reading You know, whatever I was I think it was Norman Mailer's book, The Fight.

Oh, excellent. Oh, lovely. And I've just recently finished Jack Kerouac's biography. I've just told him all... Bravo 2-0. Chuck a few curveballs in. And I said, but I feel I have

a dearth. A dearth. A dearth. a dearth, a dearth. Oh, yeah. A dearth. How do you say that? Dearth. I'd say dearth. I have a dearth of modern literary novels in my reading.

Okay. I said, so if you can help me with that. And I sent it. And I said, I know you're almost certainly a robot. Did you say that? Did you say that? Yeah. Oh, I love that you took the time.

And you probably send everybody exactly the same thing, but I just wanted to, you know, I just wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. What a trouble you went to. What did the robot send back? Yeah. It said, Dear Frank, I promise you I'm not a robot.

We'll send a book out today regards Chris. Any good robot would put that in. Chris, typical robot. It's going to be something like cyanidal reproductive institutional I hope it's not reproductive. supplementation.

It's going to be one of those. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think Chris would be a really nice friend for you. Do you really? Yeah. I don't know if it's a man or a woman. Well, this is true. But I think the robot thing might be nice.

I can't approach a strange female now and say, why don't we be friends? Can you imagine how long my career, the clock on the stopwatch on my career would be going immediately. Is that weird when someone does that? I don't really speak to women at all, no. Do you think that's weird if someone suddenly says,

if the partner says, oh, I've met a lovely new friend? Well, Kat does it all the time. I once said to Victoria Corrin, when she was Victoria Corrin rather than Victoria Corrin, pre-hyphen. Yeah. I said to, I met her,

I'd never, introduced by David Baddiel and after about an hour I said, actually I'd really like, can I be your friend? I really, I really like you. That's nice.

I like it. I'd do that Frank, I've copied that off you, I said that to Greg Davis. I said, I think I'd quite like to be your friend. He went, yeah great, never heard from him. Oh really? that off you. I said that to Greg Davis. I said, I think I'd quite like to be your friend. He went, yeah, great.

Never heard from him. Oh, really? No. No, I wouldn't say it to anyone now. I was, you know, I was more minded because I don't really want to be anyone's. Yes. No, no.

There's an upkeep to it, isn't there? You've got Chris the Robot, Frank. I've got Chris the Robot. You're Doctor Who friends. I'll tell you. Yeah. Lovely. Exactly.

They're always good for last minute This is Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio So yeah So I got me book Me book came And it was It was

The End of Vandalism Do you know it? It's a novel by somebody called Drew Rhee. Okay. Loved it. Oh. Loved it. Well, that was quick, Frank.

Oh, next day. Shut up. So you get one a month. I get one a month for this year. Right. And that is the pleasure, of course, of having a birthday in January. It's very, very, the neatness of it.

So do you give feedback to your friend, Chris, the robot? Well, you know what? I wrote back to the robot. Suddenly, the reply is, Nelly. I said, well, no, come on. Come on. I thought I'd been allocated, someone had been allocated for me. Chris was like your handler.

Yeah, because, you know, someone who can get, you know when you get, I'll tell you what it's like a very grand version of. Do you know staff picks? Yeah. Oh, yes. You go into a bookshop and it says staff picks. I don't mean pictures of the staff,

I mean books that they've picked. And you get a little handwritten card. I love that. And it says, this book took me on a flight of fancy, Julie. And I always think, Julie, you're in retail. Stick to the facts. It's like that. So I thought, Chris is going to be, he knows where I am now,

he's looked at my Norman Mailers, my Jack Kerouac, my sci-fi, he'll keep me in good stead. Suddenly, it's Nellie the Robot. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I saw Chris's role in your life as some sort of literary concierge. Exactly. Now, what's happened to Chris?

Well, who knows? Now, Nellie's rocked up. Anyway, fair play to Nellie. I said, to be honest, I've read that book and I did really like it, but I'm going away for a week. You don't think you could push one through a bit early? Never.

I did. Oh, my God. I said, if you can't, it's fine. You know, I know. The years in show business has cultivated a sense of entitlement. This is Frank Skinner. Yes.

And the amount of time he's dedicating to emailing people at Dawn Books. I mean, if he wanted a book a week early, it'd be about eight quid. He'd get seven of them. He's a major superstar. You know, well, no. You know how robots are very married to routine? I thought I'd be flogging a dead horse. Yeah.

Nellie? Next day. You never. Nellie's the one through. It was a different month, to be fair. The thing about Nellie, she never forgets. No, that is true. It was a different month.

She packed her trunk and they included Brian Moore's Black Robe. Oh, really? Yeah. Which I have to say, again, was brilliant. People are really reading that. I've talked to a few people that have read that. What's it called? Black Robe? Yeah.

So I read that. That'd be nice for you with your jiu-jitsu. Yeah. He likes a robe in the title. So it was a perfect book for me. It was, you know, Jesuit priest travelling through. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so I've finished that,

but I'm loathe to go Robot 3 and say, I've done that one, it was great, because I don't want to get them all to come in a big lump at the front of the year and then be kicking my heels I'm going to say something radical I think you might have to read one of your own books next and then move back onto schedule

I've gone non-fiction I thought that would be a good one it made me think I do like other people selecting for me right oh yeah

it's so we can test this at brunch after the show yeah well let's why not let's see how Frank enjoys an oyster omelette

it reminded me of when when David Baddiel was in a chocolate club was he and he used to get high quality

that was a low point high quality chocolate used to arrive once a month, randomly chosen. I never heard of him leaving or sending it back. Right. But it's like that, but for the mind. I did a thing for my wife with cheese once. She got

cheese every month. Random cheese? Yeah, yeah. Fantastic. And did she trouble a buffalo? In that period? I think that's just a bit of gossip. Okay, fair enough. Well, we had news about the buffalo. Did we?

I've got a very pending... Buffalo? Can we come back to buffalo? Sure, sure. Buffalo news coming up. Buffalo teaser. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So Yes

Sorry Frank Again I've completely forgot Buffalo wasn't it Yeah We heard from one of our friends

in Italy Oh yes Actually She says I wish I'd got some Italian type music I could play. Oh, we've not got anything. We've got French.

I'll simulate. OK, do you want to do one? Is it the balalaika? Is that...? OK, I'll go. You do something. Greetings from Italy. The mozzarella di baffala is not made of buffalo milk.

They call that... Sorry. They call that... Distracting. From Italy, the mozzarella di buffalo is not made of buffalo milk. They call that kind of... Sorry. They call that... Distracting. Having somebody do that whilst you're speaking. Why would that be? I'm imagining trying to read a speech at a funeral, that going on in the background.

They call that kind of cow a buffalo. So we've established, sorry, in case you... I know you were busy with your musical. No, no, I was listening. But it's not made of buffalo. Contrary to Pop's opinion we can multitask. You can multitask. They call that kind of cow a buffalo because the animal is slightly

huge. Slightly huge. Interesting. I don't know if someone said that about you. I'd die. I'd love it. And it's a different breed. She's alright but slightly huge. so it's not i genuinely love to be called slightly huge i'd be great kind of were this morning it's not the usual buffalo as we know okay so i'm in future i. Mozzarella. Slightly huge cow. I mean, slightly huge.

Wasn't that a hit for... Who was that? West Midlands band. They became Ned's Atomic Dospin. I only know Ozzy Osbourne and you. Oh, well, someone will let me know. We've had some Birmingham A question in Okay

For Birmingham's Okay I'm ready Okay There's a man Who There's a DJ Jim Felton Who's apparently

A TV and radio Comedy writer Who's made A controversial claim That Brummies Enjoy Coca-Cola And milk As a drink

And a number Of people Together Have got in touch with the show. In the same beaker. David Capellian has said, can you confirm man claims milk Coke is a thing for Brummies and Twitter is repulsed? Okay. Well, what's the story?

I can say that I have never drank milk and Coke mixed together. However, when I lived back home as a child, we regularly drank milk and lemonade in the same glass. Weirdos. Yeah, and I'm talking sterilised milk as well. That must have looked nice in the glass. Well, it looked white. Fizzy white.

I remember it being really nice. I could happily drink a glass of lemonade and milk now. Yeah, but you were happily drinking God knows what at the time. The last time we discussed your childhood foods, it was you eating raw sausages. Milk and lemonade would have been a blessed relief, wouldn't it? I'm fairly confident. Ambrosia. I am fairly confident that I would have been a blessed relief I'm fairly confident I am fairly confident that I would have

had that as a snack raw sausages and milk and lemonade but yet before before you knock it have a try of milk and lemonade it's much nicer than you think don't try raw sausages

no perhaps don't try raw sausages. I don't know how we dodged that particular bullet. So, milk Coke is not a thing for Bromwich? No, it might be, just because, you know, I might have just been there before Coke had really become popular in this country. Oh, what was it invented, 1890?

Yeah, but I don't remember it here, really, until the 70s particularly okay yeah it was seen as an american affectation like coffee so um yes milk and lemonade i can verify i grew up on on that frank skinner on absolute radio surely not there must be some mistake. If you were Lenny Kravitz, can I say, if you were at a party and it was getting late at a party, if you were trying to get a lift back, wouldn't you say, oh, you're going to go my way? They'd laugh and they'd be so pleased they were part of the whole thing that they would then give you a lift back. You're sort of guaranteed. No.

Okay. you a lift back, you're sort of guaranteed. No. Okay. For the same reason that you wouldn't say at a party, you know, it's coming home, if you were on the way home. Yeah. Because. Say I'm going home.

I'm going home. I'm going home. Are you going? I'm going. I am going home. I might. People would think it was a bit. Yeah.

I'm not saying it's out of the question. I might say that. Anyway. question. Anyway. Gentlemen, did ye witness the curious incident of the Chelsea keeper refusing to be substituted this

week? I certainly did. I mean, what a moment. Well, I never saw it. I read about it. I watched it live. I watched it live. I'm a voracious reader. Yeah. And I'm not on the daunt month of book, book a month what's it called? Book club

It's called subscription it might be a proper thing I was also thinking I wouldn't mind doing it with a carder saying can you bring some food round to my house and just see what you get You can do that with fruit and vegetable boxes

I'm on about the whole if they bought me a grouse I would cook it And just see what you get. You can do that with fruit and vegetable boxes. Oh, fruit and vegetable. You and Kath had those back in the day. If they bought me a grouse, I would cook it. I'd find a way, whereas I'd never buy a grouse in a million years. You can eat them, can't you? Yes. Yeah. One does.

Well, I did watch it live. So did I. I was watching at home on my own I want my son watched the first 90 minutes and then he went around his mates house and I was left on my own watching this match and I'd really sometimes I really enjoy a nil-nil in a purest in a purest form and I was really enjoying it and really back in Chelsea because I do like the Chelsea manager. Do you? Quite a lot. Mainly because he was never... I said I do like the Chelsea manager.

It was inevitable. It was inevitable, yeah. No, that was the England, Crystal Palace and Barcelona manager, Terry Inevitables. Oh, God. Oh, I like that. Did you?

I feel like you think it was overreach, but I liked it. It just felt a bit Lenny Kravitz, are you going to go my way? Sorry, Frank. So, because there are things I really like. I like the fact that he... This is Maurizio? Yes. Maurizio Sarri.

He wasn't a footballer. He wasn't a professional footballer. Oh, was he not? He worked in a bank. That is a difficult position to be in then, isn't it? Because the footballers, they don't respect... Well, I don't know. I don't think they respect that.

But, you know, Mourinho was never... Yeah. No. Look how much respect he got. I've always thought, you know, that the idea that you've got to have been a footballer to be a good manager is... Probably nonsense.

Well, as you pointed out, sometimes it can be a hindrance. I was once 1,000 to 1 to get the West Brom job. Were you? With Joe Corral. Wowee. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it was a serious thing, but I was on there,

which made me very happy. The other thing I love about Sarri, and if there's any young people listening, it's bad to smoke, and I advise against it. But watching a man go for 90 minutes who really, really

wants a smoke is a study in frustration and anxiety up there with any theatrical piece that you might see. I'm surprised he doesn't vape. You're not allowed to vape in football. I tell you what he does, what he has done.

All those rules. Even in his little dog what he does, what he has done. All those rules. Yeah, even in his little doggo. You know what he has done, though? This season he's done it. He chews a filter tip that he's broken off a cigarette. Yeah, he chews that. And he's desperate. I know we're supposed to see these things

if people are addicted as something that we shouldn't mock, but I think society has decided you can say what you like about smokers now. My heart goes out to him because he is... I mean, when he walked to the door, when the goalkeeper wouldn't come off, in case you don't know, he substituted, he tried to substitute the goalkeeper. Keppert, yeah. Who exhibited signs of cramp. There was a penalty shooter coming up. He didn't want

a goalkeeper. And it was like in the last minute, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. And the goalie wouldn't come off. He did that terrible thing of wagging his finger, which in a white acrylic glove. It looks a bit Gladiator's Red, doesn't it? It was so... You know what it was more than anything? It was very rude.

Was it naughty? But Sarri goes round and he walks towards the door and you know he was going to have a smoke. That's his first thing and then he stops himself and everyone says, was he walking out the club? No, he's going for a smoke! Which is what he was doing

I'll tell you something now I'm not exaggerating I'm not saying this for comic effect I was so upset by that incident that it kept me awake that night and when I woke up on the Monday morning I still had a head, I was so

upset by it I thought it was so... It sort of summed up what the worst things about the world, about lack of respect, about contempt, about public humiliation, about being a stand-up comedian, basically.

It properly upset me. Really, I'm talking about it now. It made me emotional. Well, it rips apart the fabric of the sport, doesn't it? Life! I'm not playing by the rules that we've all agreed to. Well, it was a defiance of the civilised exchange, wasn't it? It's people that cross the road in front of you really slow

when you're in your car because they need to establish the fragile strands of individuality which they're holding on to through their gross insecurity. It was that. Okay, music. Frank Skinner on the radio. Talking about Maurizio Sarri being openly defied.

Hold on, hold on. On the top of an hour. Oh, I didn't even know. I mean, come on! Here we go. This is the professional beer. Hi, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, author, and Alan Cochran, comedian.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You choose. Yeah. Hey. I love how he starts with a hey. So, yes.

Football. I was genuinely upset by the... The defined keeper. Arisa Balaga. It's so upsetting that it almost makes you forget for a moment that the goalkeeper is called keeper. I know. Yeah, that is.

K-E-P-A. Yeah. Kepa, keeper. Yeah, it's true. You know, that's never occurred to me. It's nominative determinism. Or maybe it's pronounced differently. Is it Kepa?

Kepa, they say. But even so, Goal Kepa I'm happy with that You know what, I'm going to let you have it I was tempted to say it was a sorry state of affairs Very good But we can't keep doing the sorry, sorry That's the thing, I think you would have

Consulted him and said the right things My only concern is that you would have Found it very difficult to Restrain yourself from At least two sorry jokes. No, I know. It is hard. What I was a bit confused about is, Maurizio, there was a press conference afterwards, wasn't there?

And I don't know whether this was that night or the next day, but he said it was a big misunderstanding. It was the same day, yeah. It was the same night, wasn't it? He said it was a big misunderstanding. And I just thought, was it? Well, he said it was a big misunderstanding. Nothing I just thought, was it? Well, he said it was a big misunderstanding. Nothing had been done wrong.

It was all over. And then the goalkeeper was fined a week's wages and suspended from the next game. So it was a slightly contradictory... I think it was Chelsea PR department versus grumpy old chain-smoking Italian beer. And the tragedy of this, can I say, and this is, when I watched it, I really ached for Sarri.

Because this, oh, it's breakfast television. This young man was on the pit, wagging his finger, refusing to come off and um Sarri was calling him calling him he had the goalkeeper

which is poor old Willy Caballero all dressed ready to come on standing there Zola being a bit he's not worth it mate

and he wouldn't come off the stupid uh what has Piliqueta the Chelsea um captain of the thing should have stepped in as the captain did nothing he actually said I was on your Has Billy Quetta, the Chelsea captain,

obviously should have stepped in as the captain, did nothing. He actually said, I was on the other side of the pitch, I didn't see the incident. What did you think was happening? Anyway, all that went on. And one thing about Sarri, which wasn't mentioned on the commentary, I don't think, is that Sarri is also a very superstitious man,

as well as being a chain smoker and all that. And I love him more and more. He thinks it's bad luck to step on the pitch during a match, if you're the manager. Does he? So he couldn't even get on at him. So he was so frustrated, he kept looking down at the grass and thinking, no, I can't do that.

A handy bit of information if you're an obstinate goalkeeper that doesn't want to come on. That's true. Oh, it was so bad. It was dreadful. Horrible. The thing about the smoking, that reminds me of... Do you remember there was a film called Swimming to Cambodia

by Spalding Gray? Oh, yes. And it was a man talking about when he was in The Killing Fields, the movie, and there was a big, muscular, very alpha male South African actor in it who said to Spalding Gray, let's swim across the bay tomorrow. It's famous for its, you know, riptides and difficult currents and people have drowned out there and there might be some dangerous creatures in there.

But it would be really exciting to swim in. And Spalding Gray was a man more of the, like myself, more of the snowflake variety. So he was terrified. And the way he coped with it was he had a Rolex watch and I think it was $4,000 in cash and he put those in a training shoe and left them on the beach

and he called it displacement of anxiety because he was so worried about that he didn't think about the swimming he just went out and swam and I think whatever happens on the beach yes sorry is so much thinking about the swim and he just went out and swam. And I think whatever happens on the pitch, Sarri is so much thinking about the next cigarette that none of it's going to do him any real football match-up.

It's the David Cameron advice to go on stage with a full bladder. Yeah, it is an element. Do you both do that? I don't do that. No, I don't. My age. No, you're too high risk. I sometimes wear chin that? I don't do that. No, I don't. My age. No, you're too high risk.

No, I'd be. Sometimes we're chinos. I can't take that risk. I'd be cruising for a housing. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have a theory about this caper. I love a theory.

I think... I love a theory. I think... I don't know. It's just a shot in the dark, but I think he might have been the hardest kid in his school. Who, Sarri or Kepa? No, the goalkeeper that refused to come off, because that is proper schoolboy psycho territory. Like, oh, you can't play anymore, yuck on!

And nobody dares say you can't play anymore. Yak on! And nobody dares say you can't play anymore because he's the school hard kid. And he's just brought that into adult life. I think you're so right because what worried me is when Rizzio, and I know to a certain degree

he was protecting his own, let's not beat you around the bush, shame over the incident, when he said in the press conference, it was a misunderstanding. And it was a bit like when people say of badly behaved children, can I say nobody here in this room has badly behaved children, OK? This doesn't apply to you.

You can say that. Beautifully. You'd be skirting on the edge of accuracy. No, I would say they're beautifully behaved. But when you see kids who are less well behaved and they say, he's very spirited. Spirited. He's so spirited.

He's such a character. Look at him. And I think, no, he's a monster. What they all said about Erezabalaga was he's young. You know, he's young. He's 24 is that young is that young enough

to behave badly with youth as an excuse no don't think so no love also here's a point

which I haven't mentioned he went down twice the goalkeeper he did a couple of sets and he was in some pain

with the cramp and then when Sarri went to call him off then suddenly he recovered

well then he was alright so it makes me wonder if he was faking this pain

so that he could then be the wounded surgeon figure in the penalty shooter. The injured goalkeeper who battles on.

And he has an excuse for not saving penalties. And if he does save them, suddenly he's king of the road. Very good. Thanks, Ginnick. It shouldn't look Holmes as I live and breathe. This cramp, or whatever it was, disappeared like that after that incident. Never saw it again.

It's like, again, the spoilt child's tummy ache, and then suddenly the cinema trip's on and it disappears. He's like Columbo when he's on a kiss, isn't he, Frank? He really is. I think he's right about that. Yeah, I agree. Very, very suspicious. I mean, a man in absolute agony.

OK, we'll come off then. Oh, no, I'm all right, actually. Actually, I just don't know what that was. May I briefly ask what you two would have done had you been Maurizio Sarri in that instance? I can honestly say I would have walked away from a multi-million pound job and if there was not a car outside at Wembley,

I would have walked home happily rather than have given in to that. There is not a pressure in the world that would have stopped me taking that guy off the pitch once we'd got that far. Yes. Do you know what? I can honestly say, having known you for some 20, 30 years, that is absolutely what you would have done. 20, 30 years, that is absolutely what you would have done. I feel it. If nothing else, think about poor Lenin. Lenin? Who gave his life.

What's happening, Al? We don't see ourselves as individuals. We see ourselves as all parts. Do you mean the Lenin we all think you mean? I do mean him. Wowee. I thought you might mean like a footballer Lenin. If someone puts an ocean colour scene on or something. If that incident had happened in Soviet Russia,

we wouldn't be talking about why the goalkeeper did it, if we'd be talking about where is he? Yes. Well, also, if the likes of Julian Dix had been around, that type of player. Well, if Terry Butcher had been the captain of that team, the goalie would have gone off. Dragged him off by his hair.

Well, he would have been on a stretcher. He'd have been carried off. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking when I read about it. Why didn't somebody hard

just drag him off? Is this the longest we've ever talked about football? I'm sorry. I can't think

how many listeners we've lost. This transcends football. Of course it does. It's a social issue.

Yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you the answer for the... I don't know if Sari has considered this as a smoking thing, but I was talking to the former West Brom central defender, Jonas Olsen. Oh, yes.

You might know, Swedish international. Yeah. Now with Wigan, I think. Okay. And he got out what we used to call, when I was a young man, skull bandits. Oh, is that sort of chewing tobacco? Well, it's not.

I'll tell you what it is. You used to get them in little round tins, and they were like pouches of tobacco they looked like little tea bags and you used to wedge them onto your top lip Suddenly the Coca-Cola with milk sounds

nice Oh we had an email about that didn't we or a text, we'll come to that and they used to slowly disseminate when you walked around with them. So he was talking about those and he said he uses them all the time.

And I said, can I try one? I haven't had one for years. And he said, quite strong. I think this was like the proper Swedish brand. Oh, yeah. God, I felt like I had dysentery within about a minute and a half. That sounds good. The strongest, it was awful.

It made me feel terrible. Oh. And he said, when I play for Sweden, the physio gives them out to us before the game. Ah. It's a different world. Why would they do that? Why doesn't Sari do that?

Yeah, why doesn't he? Can I say, tobacco is bad for you, don't have anything to do with it. Yeah. In fact, I was at a bus stop with my son last Sunday and there was a cigarette packet on the floor that said cigarettes give you heart attacks and he read that and he said that's not true is it? I said yeah

he said that's on the packet and I said yeah he said they give people heart attacks and it says it on the packet I said yes and he said well why do shopkeepers sell them to people if they're going to give them heart attacks and everyone in the

bus stop looks suddenly quite sheepish. No one had an answer, but there you are. Nobody brought up capitalism. From the mouth of babes. Welcome to capitalism, son. We've got an update on brown milk. Ah, yes. If you'd like to hear this from 429.

Dear all, in the 1970s, happy days... Should I say, by the way, for new... People have just tuned in. Oh, yeah. There's a theory about that in Birmingham, a lot of people drank Coca-Cola and milk. Yes, we're not talking Coke floats with ice cream. No, no.

Don't confuse the issue. Or that thing when you microwave a pork pie and when you cut the top off. Oh, yeah, because I always do that. The pork is bobbing up and down in the hot fat like a Coke float. Not discussing that. I've never eaten a pie. It's what I like to call a pork float.

What about when I was on a date once and I didn't like it and I ordered a pie just because I thought it would slightly ruin the date? Because I think if you order a pie, it's not a date. It's no longer a date. It would absolutely work the other way for people in the north. She's a keeper. And the Midlands. If I'd have gone out with someone who was at a party, Reader, I married

her. Yes, exactly. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We should move away from football news to more news news.

You know, we heart news. We heart it. Theresa May has been in the news. We Joe heart football news. We do Joe heart football news. Theresa May has hit the headlines, as I believe they say, for invoking the meerkat. She answered Jeremy Corbyn, if he wants to end the uncertainty and deal with the issues... I don't. She answered Jeremy Corbyn

if he wants to end the uncertainty and deal with the issues... I don't think it was Jeremy Corbyn. Oh, was it? It was somebody else. It was the head SMP man. Oh, that's right. You're right.

He's a very angry man. Is he? Ian, what's his name? Blackford? Yes, Ian Blackford. That's right, yeah. My mistake. Paul's.

Always furious whenever I've seen him speak. Right. Well, she... If he's from the SNP, he's probably quite far from home, being in London. Well, I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to be, but I worry about his health. I mean, obviously, he needs to...

You know what they say in acting, leave yourself somewhere to go. Yes. Don't go on. I don't know if you think, you know, oh, act two. Yeah, don't start chewing the scenery as soon as you walk on, dear. Yes. Don't go on. You think, you know, oh, act two. Yeah, don't start chewing the scenery as soon as you walk on, dear. No. So she basically said...

Anything will do. He hasn't had a cigarette for an hour. She basically said, for people that aren't aware of this big news story, and we're all about kind of Brexit news here on Absolute Radio. If he wants to end the uncertainty and deal with the issues he raised in his response to my statement,

then he should vote for a deal. Simples. And she actually said Simples. Also, Al, let's say she didn't just say it. It wasn't, oh, I've just thought of this. It was the pause and the delivery was what I took issue with. I mean, that thing when she suddenly put on that purple satin dressing gown just before.

That was weird. Yeah, I thought that was over-egging the pudding for me. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. When she said simples, what I found quite, I'm going to go heartbreaking about it, was that I could see the expression on her face and it was like when a kid is going to swear and thinks they're being clever and everyone actually looks appalled.

I actually love that. Oh, sorry. She looked so happy and she paused and she went, simples. And she looked triumphant. My major problem with it is that... Oh, good use of major. The meerkat. Yes. What's his name?

Alexander. Alexander something, yeah. Meerkat. He's got a surname. That's his surname, his meerkat. He's got a surname. No, it's nominative determinism. He's called Alexander Meerkat.

Is he? I thought he'd got a kind of a Russian surname. Oh, possibly he has. Or Olov. Alexander Olov. I do apologise, Frank. OK. I mean, it's more Russian influence in Western politics, but anyway.

Yes. But he says simples. Oh, right. That's what he says. It's S-double-E, I'd spell it. Now, I thought she said simples. All right. That's what he says. S-double-E, I'd spell it. Now, I thought she said simples, and I thought that's someone who got that from a memo from an advisor.

It would be funny. Yeah. Sorry to bother you, Prime Minister. There is an advertising campaign in which the... You can imagine, oh imagine this sounds very interesting and they say simples and she thinks perhaps she didn't want to say simples as it might, you know, during

the Brexit thing it might be some sort of East European immigration debate but it sounded to me like someone who'd never seen those adverts Also, let's be honest. I would say if I had to pick a year,

if you say the word symbols, I would say 2009. Yeah. Wow, really? Ten years ago? Cowabunga. Wow. Eat my shorts. I have to say.

Hang on, some of these are good ones. I don't think we should throw the baby out with the bathwater. We all know what you would have said, Al. Blah-zah! Still trying to bring it back. I have voted Labour my whole life, but if she'd have said, if you don't want no deal, vote for the deal,

cowabunga, I would have stood and applauded her in my own living room. It would have been one of the great moments in political history. I mean, fantastic. Oh. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

When Theresa May said simples. Yeah. If you, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Frank. Nothing good ever comes from that sentence, does it? But do you remember... I'll tell you what it did slightly remind me of

was when you were on the beach once and when you were sort of at a loss for words, I mean, whilst I think it was well scripted, I agree with you, you turn round to a man and you said in a moment of anger... Oh, yeah, get a life. That's quite poor.

I was referring to Boswell's life of Johnson. Yes. It reminded me slightly of that. Yes. But that was... I don't know why that happened. I think I went... I got out to squeeze past this bloke and his wife and I said, excuse me, and he said, please.

I said, what? He said, excuse me, please. That's what you're supposed to say. And then I said, get a life. Yeah. But get a life's not, it's not one of my favourite comebacks. It's not great, is it? No.

No, as Simples wasn't. Simples isn't great either. But I wish, I just wish that they'd sort of done something more with it. I wish one or the other... Great use of with it. Great use of with it. John Lennon's father. No, but why didn't Jeremy Corbyn come back

with an advertising slogan or something like that? You know what I mean? Oh, like sort of back and forth tennis. If he'd have said, well, you know, that's put the cat amongst the pigeons, and then he'd gone, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

I don't know if you remember that advert. I don't remember that one. Al looked at me then as if I was having a break day. In a way. I think it was whiskers. Can I tell you what I would have done? I would have done something that referenced the dated nature

of the phrase and if she'd have said simples, you know what I would have said? Nah. Okay. Or what's up? There's Al uses. I mean, Al,

great use of what's up, always by Al. But it's still on. Maybe turtle power. You know, there's still on. Maybe Turtle Power. You know, there's so many. The Mia Cat advert, which I must say, can I say that the Daily Mail, describing to their readers what she was referring to,

they said, a series of slapstick TV ads. Slapstick? I don't, I wouldn't, I would say it was the comedy of personal relationships. Didn't you have big problems with it? Not because of its slapstick, but the cross-species dating of... Nicole Kidman.

It wasn't the mere cat and Nicole Kidman having a romantic meal at one point. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Yes. You were troubled by it. You got very vexed, if memory serves. Yeah, it's like Melanie Sykes and the Churchill...

The Churchill dog? Churchill went to a weekend in france yeah uh i don't think that should be uh encouraged you've got very strict rules at all i just know i don't think i think i just want to leave the house of commons very briefly to share this with you from john round um that's not my name. No, but as Florence and the Machine said, dog days are over. And I think, I'd like to think that Melanie Sykes sang that after the Churchill.

Breaking up with Churchill. Exactly. Very quickly, John Round has confirmed, Frank definitely enjoys a nil-nil. I sat in front of him and Tony Robinson at Bristol City which proved that. Such

enthusiasm for a goalless draw. There's something pure about that. Oh yes. There you go. I think so. I love the Champions League final. Juventus Milan, another goalless draw. Yeah, goals are alright, but you know, they're very

overrated. I was thinking as I watched West West Bromley's 4-0 defeat. Can I say, if you're in central London or can get there for three o'clock, do go and listen to Emily Dean talking to Catherine Ryan, two hilarious people, talking about Emily's new book. That's at Leicester Square Theatre today, three o'clock. Go! Thank you so much for listening this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. Get your weekly Frank fix. Listen to the show as it happens on Saturday morning from 8 until 11 with more music and fewer ads with the Absolute Radio app.