The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Embroidery

Episode Date: January 20, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away so Emily is sitting in Big Daddy's chair and is joined by Alun Cochrane and Gareth Richards. The team discuss underwhelming phenomenons, Prince William's buzz cut and thankless drivers.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show. I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank today because he's walked. He hasn't, he's currently indisposed. And we wish you better, you glorious Birmingham. I'm not alone today. I haven't gone Greta Garbo. I'm joined by two men who are both, what I'm going to call, surprisingly nice-looking for a comic. Are you OK with that? I'll take that. Backhanded.

No, I'll take it. It's all right when I say it. It's Alan Cochran and Gareth Richards. You can tweet us on atfrankontheradio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hi, Alan. Hi, Gareth. Morning. I mean, as a demographic, the population of comedians has improved

as eye candy goes over the last, I would say, decade. You know, who's the guy who I don't know? I don't know, I feel uncomfortable about putting people into the attractive and unattractive category. Well, especially in these times. Who are you thinking of? Joel Domet. He's a handsome boy, isn't he?

He's considered. He's really skewed the stats. I think he was a game changer. I think when he came along and was actually funny, people went, oh, it can be done. Well, I think he's made it hard for the rest. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Because before him, you could have what I believe Russell Howard calls good looking for a comic. Right, yeah, yeah.

And unfortunately, that's all gone out the window now. It's just good looking. Anyway, we might get in terrible trouble. From the ugly comics that are up. They're asleep now. The many, many ugly comics are asleep right now. No, I've been through all them. I have some things.

On a different subject. So Frank's not ill, isn't he? That's why he's not ill. Damn. Am I Birmingham like that? So I need some advice from you both. Oh, God. If that's okay.

I think you're quite good on advice, both of you. Yeah, come to the right place. Bit of an expert in life. Yeah. It's to do with the sort of low-level fury that I find myself feeling. Oh, now we're talking. Well, as I get... Calm down, dear.

that I find myself feeling. Oh, now we're talking. Well, as I get... Calm down, dear. As I get older, I'm not prone to those sort of biblical rages that I used to get when I was a young woman. I don't think you can have those past about 30. I think it's a bit undignified, isn't it? Right, and exhausting, presumably, just the cadence being so jaggedy, you know, the up and down.

I haven't got the time, dear. But I do sometimes just get vaguely irritated. So I want to know how to deal with this. My first, it sounds like a riddle, my first is a driving. My first is in, it's a driving situation, Al. Oh, okay. So Alan is our driving correspondent.

I was formerly a motoring correspondent and then Emily started doing it. Just stole the job from me. This is to do with the cross town thank you. Are you familiar with this? So if you let someone go, I call it the Gandalf

you shall not pass type of scenario. And you have the bit of the standoff and then you think who's gonna who's gonna crumble first who's gonna say okay you go yeah i do think in that situation i want a big old thank you what a wave or a nod or if it's nighttime a flash of the lights i want a smile oh i want a big smile oh. OK. You're asking too much. But then again, I do a lot of my driving in the gritty north of England, so the smiles are... Well, I...

Once every six months. Yeah, there's a definite budget for them, yeah. Well, I had an incident this week. I should say at this point, actually, I believe Michael McIntyre does some very fine material on this, so I promise I'm not disrespecting MM. I love MM. I'm not joke-stealing.

But this happened to me. I was turning into my road, my road, my actual road, so it's my manor. Yeah. So I just, you know, I'm not trying to lead the jury. I'm just saying I was in my road. You're feeling entitled. Yeah, OK.

Thank you, Gareth. If we could imagine such a thing. The very idea. A white... No, I was going to call him a white van man he was a man standing in front of a girl no he was a man driving a white van okay sure there was a union jack somewhere involved but anyway oh he was in the white van um brexit apologist he was in the white van and he looked over at me. The sun was a bit in my eyes.

You know, it wasn't a good situation for me. I was feeling a bit irritable. And I thought he was doing his you shall not pass. You were irritated by the sun. Yes. Well, I'm trying to reverse. So he stayed sort of stock still. I thought, OK, fine. I'm going to reverse.

So I reversed that baby. And he drove past me barely slowed down and what irritated me was he was his eyes were fixed on the road ahead in a sort of manner which seemed to suggest i'm not thanking you it wasn't i've forgotten there was something so i did something i'm not proud of threw your car door open and he smashed it off no I might have honked my horn is that weird

a bit Gareth I feel your pain I feel if people are just overly dismissive if they let me but I live in quite a narrow road where you have to let people past all the time and sometimes people will have their hands on the wheel and just sort of move their finger just a tiny bit to tell you to go.

And I find that dismissive. It's not enough for a physical thank you. Burn more calories when you're thanking me. That's what you want. It just felt, I just wanted to indicate to him in some way that he'd you know he'd thrown it in my face and i wasn't very happy and i wondered whether could we not have some symbol that would indicate displeasure that's not some rude sign a horn is too much isn't it you need a different sound which is just like hmm yeah or what about a physical thing you could flash it

what about an emoji you know the one where he's scratching his chin as if to say what's going on there then yeah we need the equivalent of that if anyone's got any suggestions please text in on 8 12 15 absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio um we've been talking about an incident i had with another driver i think incident may be overstating it if you uh if you really study this i mean what happens an insurance company wouldn't refer to it as an incident what happened if if i may uh pracey it is it your witness is um you were in a sort of face-to-face scenario with a with it let's call it a white van man yeah uh you parallel parked and he drove past with a fixed gaze upon the road and

did not acknowledge you is that in any way and then you beeped yeah i beeped him essentially and then i immediately regretted it and was embarrassed, so I drove on quickly. Can I tell you my worry? Please. I'll tell you my worry is that you beeped, and he, in the distance, having already sped off, he probably thought you beeped accidentally whilst trying to steer the car. That's my... He might not know that.

He doesn't even know I'm angry is what you're saying. I don't think he knows you're angry, and he may worse think you're inept. That's my concern. Thanks for making me feel so much better about the whole incident. You know, sometimes people do that. I mean, that is like, you know,

if somebody has to parallel park outside a pub, they often make a real mess of it. And as they're trying to turn around, they bang their elbow off the beepy bit, the horn, as it's called. Well, when you faux horn. their elbow off the beepy bit, the horn, as it's called. Well, when you faux horn... The luxury correspondent says beepy bit. We say horn like it's the magnificent men in their flying machine.

What's it called, that thing, the horn? But when I faux horn, or, you know, like an unintentional horn, I'm really quick to... I wave my hands around. I say, sorry, sorry. I want them to know there was no aggression on my part. I'm just saying, what's difficult about it is when there's no thank you,

it is a bit like when you hold the door open for someone. Oh, I hear you. Yeah, well, I was going to say, I think we've discussed this before and I maintain the same position I did then, that if you hold the door for someone and you're doing something nice,

I agree that, so you're a good person for doing that. We're all agreed on that. If they don't thank you and they you're doing something nice. I agree that. So you're a good person for doing that. If they don't thank you and then you say, oh, well, don't say thank you then. Yeah. You are then attacking that person.

Yeah. So you've gone from doing something nice to doing something really horrible to ruining their day because they didn't say thank you for the nice thing you did. And if you're only doing

nice things for thank yous, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. I think that's fine. I think it's fine to do nice things for thank yous. It's fine. So what you're saying is... I'll start any time you like. Try and implement it.

What you're saying is that I was at fault there, essentially. I just want to be absolutely clear about this. I'm just saying, don't get your sense of self from approval from others. Oh, I love this. Oh. And also, he might have been driving away thinking, oh, I must be careful driving this van, but deep down in my heart,

I'm so grateful to that saintly lady for letting me past and I can carry on with my life. May all the saints praise her. He could have expressed that through a wave, though, couldn't he? He could have waved through. He's tall enough, you know. Can I be honest? This guy sounds a little intense. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a suggestion in for you, Emily. You were talking about driving acknowledgements, weren't you? I suppose you'd call it. When you say talking, on some sort of middle-aged rant. I think you were. I was. It's not for me to say what your age is.

OK. It's not for anyone to say. Yes, it was a rant. No one knows that, love. Hello, team. Re-driving acknowledgements. I love a re at the start it was a rant. No one knows that, love. Hello, team. Re-driving acknowledgements. I love a re at the start of a missive. Thank you for that.

That already lets me know that this is a person that listens to the show. Re-driving acknowledgements. Possibly adapt a horn for an extra sound. Namely, one of my favourite forms of audible displeasure, the classic tut. Although, what it would make a film scene of a traffic jam sound like, I dread to think. Kind regards, 276.

276? That's a bit of a life changer. Fine work. I'm going to investigate this. The alternative horn, what do you think? I don't know. You're looking dubious, Gareth Richards. I think the tut is one of the worst things you can do to another person. Oh.

I find it... Sorry. Stick around worst things you can do to another person. Oh. I find it... Sorry. Stick around. I had to. I'm sorry. Room full of tuts. It's so upsetting when someone... Do you?

Do you not like a tut? Yeah, no. My wife and children both tut me and I often... I prefer people punch me in the face. I often confront people about tutting. Do you? Specifically me. I don't have a problem with it in the general sense, but specifically, yeah, I get tutting. Do you? Specifically me. I don't have a problem with it in the general sense,

but specifically, yeah, I get tutted. Well, it's the ultimate act of passive aggression, isn't it? So, I mean, I should like it. Yeah, you're right. But I just find it, yeah, it's not enough for me, the tart. Right. I want something midway between the biblical sort of, you know, epic rage and the tart essentially so nice try but i

just need something else yeah the tuck could just be like a bit of food stuck between two teeth you want people to know that there's a problem rather than that that morning they ate an apricot or something exactly yeah i want i mean i need it to signal slightly greater displeasure. Right. Okay? How about, you know, how they have speed awareness courses? What about a politeness awareness course?

Oh, yeah. Maybe there could be some system where if three people come across you and feel like you need to go on this course and they send in your number plate to a particular place then you get a thing in the post. I think that's great I think you should be able to report people for rudeness I sometimes feel when I've been in that situation I think what can I do?

You don't worry you might be doing serious time if that was the case. Can I take a picture of the number plate and can I send this to someone I mean when I'm stationary I might add yes I think can I send this to someone? I mean, when I'm stationary, I might add. Yes, of course. I think, can I send this to someone? Who do I send this to to report them? The internet. For not being very nice. This is exactly what social media was invented for, isn't it?

Like spiteful. Shaming. Shaming. I do think, Albo, I mean, the politeness awareness course is a great idea because I have been on the speed awareness course. Have you been on one? Yeah. Are you not?

Oh, okay. You're admitting that. Yeah. I respect you. Well, you're not an insurer, are you? Of course I'll admit it. Well, not yet. We'll see how things go.

But that's where I learned the fabulous phrase. Do you know this, Gareth? The man who did the speed awareness course taught me smidsy. Oh, yeah. Smidsy. Smidsy. We've all been in course taught me Smidsey. Oh, yeah. Smidsey. Smidsey. We've all been in that situation. Smidsey.

Sorry, mate, I didn't see you. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio Nice, so we've had a text in from 573 He says, when I stop to allow someone So we're talking about thanking people when they stop for you in the road

and 573 says, when I stop to allow someone to give someone right away and he says right away Oh, like sort of Phyllis O. Fish. Yeah. O apostrophe rather than O F. So he's saved no time with keyboard and with typing. You know what?

That's just his vernacular. Yeah. He's just representing himself as a human. He's just a sort of right away kind of guy. Do you think he writes gonna? You know when people write that in text? Well, let's see. Continue, 573.

When I stop to allow someone to give someone right-of-way, I modify my speed so we can both keep moving past the obstacle. If it's obvious my courtesy is not going to receive any acknowledgement, then I will stall. Have trouble starting, thus forcing them to stop. Smiling and waving apologetically, of course. Warwick Pratchard in Torquay, 60s rocker. Excellent.

What's his name? I think it's quite a long double barrel name. Warwick Pratchard in Torquay, 60s rocker. He's in Torquay. I don't think that's his second name. That's his situation. Also, if he's in Torquay, 60s rocker. He's in Torquay. I don't think that's his second name. That's his situation. Also, if he's in Torquay, how often is he having to pull in for passing traffic?

There's about eight people there, isn't there? Well, also, but I like the idea of the intentional stall. Yes. Also, it's quite 70s stalling the car. I mean, you never see people doing that. Sorry, mate. It's almost impossible nowadays. It doesn't really happen.

It's actually so passive-aggressive, that, because that does a lot to their ego, because they're stalling, so it should be them that's embarrassed, but actually they're thinking, gotcha, now I've wasted, like, 15 seconds of your life with my fake stall. That is good.

Yes. Very good. Do you know, Warwick and Torquay, I think you've cracked it. You know, sometimes, I think in the past on this show, we've been talking about people tailgating, you know, when they drive too close to the back of your car. Yes, I do, because I am that person. That's very dangerous.

I know, sorry. I hate to be such a square, but it is. I don't do it since my speed awareness course, one which I learned about Smidsey. Right, and other things, presumably. Yeah, speed limit. But somebody texted this show and said when people are driving that close to the back of their car they consider it

a victory if they can squish their windscreen washers and get the car behind and that just sort of takes the sting out of it and i've recently when my um when my children are in the car i've recently started to use a yellow card system for other drivers that my son finds very funny. So if someone pulls it in front of me, I will reach into a fake chest pocket and I'll just do a yellow card. You've got to be careful if you're, you know, you don't want to be near anyone presidential when you're doing that.

Don't reach into the jacket. True, true, yeah. And there is no red card, so it's it's a yeah it's a bit of a bluff well that's what i mean a red or a yellow card system would be good you're basically saying i'm displeased so when you get your license we should all get a red and a yellow card yeah and then you just have it on ideally if you're driving with just alone you could have it on the passenger seat where i often have a bag of apples well i, I have a dog on my passenger seat. He's very firmly secured and strapped in.

Well, the dog could hold your red and yellow card. Not rolling around like the apples. No, the apples, you're right, they are a hazard. I think if someone saw a dog, a Shih Tzu, raising a yellow card, that might be the weirdest thing they'd ever seen. Game changer. Yeah, absolutely. It's good, although I like the windscreen spray thing raising a yellow card. That might be the weirdest thing they'd ever seen. Yeah, absolutely. Although I like the windscreen spray thing because actually some sort of spray

would be a good way to let people know you're not happy with them. That's right. Maybe we should have a super soaker. Water pistol. This is a great idea. Someone needs to patent this immediately. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I did a really horrible breath then. Was that you? It was really audible. I went... Was that you? I thought it was Gareth.

No, it was me. Oh, the listeners. That was a real... Some breathing there. That was a grounds for divorce breath. On Absolute Radio. 556 has been in touch, and I like this. We've got another read.

Via the text, Alan, which is on 8-12-15. It is, yes, very good. Slick radio hosting that, Emily, if you don't mind me saying. Thank you. Team, re-Gandalfgate, which thou shalt not pass. Yeah. When my dog is asleep on the couch and I need to move him to sit down

find the TV remote etc he lets out a kind of low pitched warning growl as if to say if this keeps going in this direction something very bad is going to happen could that be the alternative you're looking for? that might work like a sort of kind of deep primal growl,

but maybe a button on the car dashboard for that. I know, but I think I'm going to embarrass myself doing that. I can't wind down the window. I say wind down the window. I do have electrics. Also, I would worry that I would press the button when I was trying to windscreen wash or indicate, and then suddenly it's like...

Is that how you do it? This would be my low-level warning growl. I would be... Is that a bit Chewbacca? I didn't do my physical and vocal warm-up this morning. I don't think I got it quite as deep as I wanted. I was about an octave off, I think. OK, that's good advice, though.

Keep it coming. I'm enjoying it. Yes, I like that. I think that's good. I mean, as we say every week on this show, it's probably time to talk about the Bayeux Tapestry. Late review. Yeah, yeah. Tag late review.

Very good. What, how terrible it is? No. Well. How terrible it is. You say that. It might be coming here. Well, this is true.

It might be coming to England. Tell us about the Bayeux Tapestry, Al. It might be coming to England. That us about the Bayeux Tapestry, Al. It might be coming to England. That's it. That was the story. It's a bit of beige cloth might come here in 2020. There seems to be diplomacy happening between us and France at the moment. Who knew?

And Emmanuel Macron. Hello. Is he over here? It's all right when I do it. Is he visiting? I don't know. Let me know. Toby Young does it.

Not so all right. You do i don't know let me know toby young does it not so all right you do it fine absolutely fine um two thousand years but he says what you're essentially i don't think it's such a nice gift alan i've got to be honest what is this i mean it's not a gift it's a loan we should say it's one of those loan shops. But they're essentially asking us to relive a very traumatic period in our history when they owned us. It is sort of, isn't it like an ex saying, I've taken this video of when I dumped you and then you can just relive it all the time? Yeah, I'd like you to keep it for a few months at some point in the future. More literally, an ex saying, well, you know our nasty breakup? I've embroidered that breakup on a very long bit of material. I'm glad you've said embroidered there,

because it is not a tapestry. It's an embroidery. I'm really glad you've cleared that up, because that keeps me awake at night. You know what, apparently there are some people... What is the difference? Apparently there are some people in the history community that call it the bio-embroidery.

And I love those people. Is the history community like Frank's S&M community to you? What do you do? I might join the history community that refer to it as the bio-embroidery because it is not, and I repeat, not a tapestry. So is a tapestry, more strictly speaking, something that's woven? I don't want to fall out over embroidery. I know it's not one. I read it in three different articles.

It's definitely an embroidery. What about they've got it in a museum called Le Musée de la Tapisserie de Bayeux? Well, that's a bad idea, because what about if it moves? You're stuck, aren't you? With a terrible-sounding specific museum. You should have just called it the Bayeux Museum. The Museum of the

Biotapistry. Apologies. There is currently no tapestry. And also I don't know what other reason people are going to Bayeux for, but I feel like the tourist industry there is going to suffer. Can I just say, I've seen Bayeux Tapestry. I can't, I've seen Bayer tapestry. Have you?

I'm not confident about my pronunciation of it. If anyone has a definitive pronunciation for it, do we say Bayer, Bayer? How are they going to text us that? It's just, spell it phonetically. You can spell it. Or send us a voice memo. You can spell it phonetically, can't you? Don't send us any voice memos, please.

No, don't. Please don't do that. We're on the radio. We cannot listen to them. How do you pronounce the Bayer embroidery? Please let us know. And is it an embroidery or is it a tapisai? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about the Bayer tapestry.

We've actually had a way to pronounce it sent to us by Simon in Sheffield. Hi, Simon. He says morning, B-squads. It's hardly Simon in Perry, but we'll take you. He's calling us B-squad, which I think we'll take. OK. Skin is not here. There's no two ways about it. I mean, that's aimed at me, isn't it?

No, I think it's aimed at all of us. We've got a squad here. Look, I'm happy to be V-Squad. No man gets left behind, Gareth. It's fine, all right? Yeah, I'm happy to be V-Squad. It's like Bravo 2-0 or Black Hawk Down or whatever. I don't want to be in the A-Team with BA going on about the plane.

As you were. I really wanted to do an impression of BA. No, I know, but we are not allowed. My mother said... I pity the fool who would do an impression of PA No I know but we are not allowed My mother said I pity the fool who would do an impression of PA Still didn't do the voice though Didn't do the voice You can't do the voice My mother always said it's bay as in bay watch

And ur as in your reaction To eating something gross Like sprouts for instance Much love Simon Sheffield That's a brilliant way of remembering it I'll always remember that but who cares it's what his mum says

it's not who cares yeah yeah she might not know anything like what's her credentials the Sheffield mum yeah but also

Simon's mum who cares yeah well you've just got beef with Simon because of that beef comment

I'm okay with it to be honest beef and sprouts I'm absolutely fine with it yeah I like sprouts. Why do we only eat them at Christmas? That's what I want to know. Another thing about the...

I'm going to use Simon's mum's pronunciation. I'd care more about what Simon says. Put your hands on your head. The Bayeux tapestry. David Baddiel's 13-year-old son, Ezra, had a great review of the Bayeux tapestry. He said, who drew that a little kid with his eyes closed?

Which I thought was a very apt summary. I mean, I don't know how much you've... It's certainly not a drawing, by the way. How much you... It's an embroidery. It's not a tapestry or a drawing. What you say there, how many of us have seen it up close and personal

I have ok it was many years ago you don't seem to be enamoured with it I felt disappointed it was very long and beige

oh it's not the first review you've given that to apologies but um the new Apologies You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio

This is the Frank Skinner show I should say Frank's not here this morning No Which, you know, I'm a bit gutted about We have already been called the Peaky Squad but we're quite comfortable with it I'm a bit gutted about. We have already been called a B-squad, but we're quite comfortable with it. Yeah. I'm here with Gareth Richards,

and I'm here with Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. This morning, we're talking about the Bayeux Tapestry, and how it's somewhat underwhelming. Amongst other things, like petty motoring moments yes we have that as well ongoing it's really just that that's ongoing petty motoring moments and the

tapestry which i've seen in person so i feel somewhat qualified to comment yeah the real one or the one in reading no i didn't go i haven't been to reading oh um i mean i'm sure i have at some point but you have been to Bayeux. I didn't. Yeah, welcome to my world. Weirdo. They say on the Bayeux tapestry, well, it depicts big moments in history.

Halley's Comet. That's not Halley's Comet. It's a daisy. Oh, is it? I don't believe it's Halley's Comet. Really? Well, it's like when people attribute things afterwards, that must be Halley's Comet.

It's like there'll be a man called Hister. He means Hitler. No, he meant Hister. Right. Do you see? Yes. Speaking of Hitler... Oh, do we want to be?

Well, it's interesting. I don't want funny stuff about his doll, but that's it. No, the biotapestry has been used as sort of like a statement of intent towards the UK. So in Napoleon in 1804, he moved the bio-tapestry to Paris because he was thinking of invading the UK.

Have you been hanging out with some of Alan's friends in the history community? And then in 1944, the Nazis moved the bio-otapestry to Paris again because they would think... Embroidery. I bet they didn't get corrected like that all the time. No, probably not. Can I also...

Well, I think also when you say you embroider something that means you take the facts and then you add stuff to it. So it's not a good way of recording history really is it, the embroidery, because it suggests... Well, it's not a good way of recording history, really, is it, the embroidery? Because it suggests some... Well, it's not a good way of recording history if everyone's got sort of strange wonky legs and horses with strange stumpy heads and funny feet. You don't know.

That's not how people looked back then. True enough. True enough. On any photos. People were saying, you know, on the news when I was seeing this, they were saying it's the gruesome depiction of an English defeat.

Is it gruesome? It's an embroidery of stick men. It's not really gruesome. It's not a sore five, is it? You know what happened? Somebody that was at the Battle of Hastings that's depicted on it was telling somebody about it years later and they went, whoa, whoa, whoa,

sorry it didn't happen. And then they went, okay, whoa, whoa, Pixar, it didn't happen. And then they went, OK, I'll be with you in a year or two. And then they brought back the embroidery. And then they said, wait here a minute while I just stitch this cotton axe in a weird sand pharaoh and ball colour. Yeah, so the other thing I notice about this tapisserie is that there's no continuity.

Sorry, I'm not going to stop that now. Is that how you say it in French? Tapisserie. I believe so. It sounds like a cake shop. I believe so. Because patisserie is a cake shop, isn't it? Now, to buy a patisserie, I would love that.

Hiding that in a heartbeat. But there's no continuity. They keep changing outfit. One minute Edward the Confessor's wearing olive green trousers. The next minute he's got some other outfit on. It's like they had more than one person doing it. And I just, you know, I don't know. They definitely had more than one person doing it.

But I want to... Lots of nuns. A team of embroiderers. I want... You and that embroidery. We should say, actually, that would be a good text in this morning. Team of embroiderers. I want you and that embroidery. We should say, actually, that would be a good text in this morning. Should we? Yeah, I should say.

Anyone who's seen any other sort of phenomenon that they found underwhelming. Oh. Because I tell you what, I've got a few words to say on the Tour de Fer. That's the Eiffel Tower. Oh, right. My accent slipped a bit then. Embarrassing. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skin the Eiffel Tower. Oh, right. My accent slipped a bit then. A bit embarrassing. Absolute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Go on. What were you going to say? No, you go. No, please. Gents first. 757, Sue in Reading, has been in touch. Hi. Here in Reading, we have a replica of the bio-tapestry in the museum. Yes.

However, the nude figures on the original have been clothed because the replica was embroidered in Victorian times. Regards, Sue Canfield. Now, Sue. Thanks, Sue. Thanks for your message. Yeah, they've taken out some of the long beige bits. Very good.

Do you know there is a naked man on there? He's got himself into a little bit of trouble. Not on the one in Reading. He's been dressed in the one in Reading because it was done later. I see, yes. As Sue has just explained. I understand, Sue. However, can I just say, Sue, you've called it the bio-tapestry and then later on you've said that it's embroidered

in Victorian times. Now pick a team, Sue. Pick a team. You're going to spend a lot of time over the next two years correcting people you're right on the tapisserie you're going to have a full time job outside of that exhibit

you're right picketing I'm going to have to get over it right now so I said I was a bit I asked people to text in if they had anything they'd seen up close, like the Mona Lisa, a lot of people say they find that a bit underwhelming.

Right. When they see it. I mean, and I would be inclined to agree. Check out, you know, Leonardo's John the Baptist. Well, we've... Far superior work, I would say. You've already... Have you ever seen Leonardo's John the Baptist?

Oh, here we go. I wouldn't say you've lit up the switchboard, but... Had to do it, Al, sorry. Things you found underwhelming. Sydney Opera House, now referred to in our house as the Mini Opera House. My brother and I... Is this you or the texter? Me, Alan Cochran. When I first moved to London, my brother came

and we were in the middle of London just walking about. And then we're at this place, huge, shiny and loads of tourists. And we're there going, that must be summer. What is that? It must be something because everyone's obviously excited about Buckingham Palace is what it's known as. But we were just going, it must be something. It's obviously a thing. It's a big building.

Yeah, it was a big shiny building with a gate. But did you think, as... It's all right, isn't it? As what I'm going to call new Londoners, essentially. Yeah. Were you slightly underwhelmed by Piccadilly Circus when you first saw it? Because really, let's be honest, what is it?

It's a branch of boots. Yeah, true. And a man sprayed silver dressed as Yoda. Yeah. With a bowler hat out for money. I mean, there's nothing... A couple of statues. There's nothing going on there.

Massive sports shop. The lights that say TDK, which is an older video company. Slightly outdated. I just think Piccadilly Circus is a bit disappointing. I can imagine getting on the tube if I was a tourist thinking, come on, we're going to go there, we're going to go to Piccadilly.

And expecting it to be like Times Square. And it's, you know, there's an Angus Steakhouse, very nice. But, you know. I'm a trip advisor. 327 said, Tour de France, totally underwhelming, whoosh, whoosh, and it's all over. Well, yeah, I think that's true. We went to, over Christmas period, we went to the Tower of London.

Did you? Oh, that sounds good. Oh, give my went to the Tower of London. Did you? Oh, that sounds good. Oh, give my love to the 70s. Was it quite gory? Who goes there anymore? Well, quite a lot of people, it turns out. Really? Busy, but with lots of international tourists, I would say.

People from all over the world. Did you queue then? Big long queues. Okay. Big long queues to see the crown jewels. Okay. Behave yourself. Everyone behave.

Can we behave, please? I know Big Daddy's not here, but we've got to hold it together. We already have this problem with long and beige, didn't we? I know. We've got to keep this fragile boat afloat. Because the crown jewels are the big attraction. I'm going to keep saying it. I'm actually going to go to some music because I think it's struggling.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're going over live to our correspondent Gareth Richards over at the Tower of London now. Yes, so we went to see the Tower of London over Christmas. My wife has always wanted to see the crown jewels please can we move on from any, anyway

and so they're on display, there's a very long queue outside, then you go down through a windy cordoned off bit, still outside, and then you go inside and there's about three big rooms with nothing in nothing in just projections on the walls

this isn't fooling anyone. Can I just ask a question at this point? What is the attraction of the Tower of London? I've heard of ravens. Is it just the crown jewels? I say just. I mean, they're impressive specimens. I'm an expert on this subject.

There's the crown jewels. There's the White Tower, which is the square one in the middle of the enclosure where you go through there and there's a lot of weapons in there. Oh, brilliant. Right. I mean, one's got crown jewels and the other's full of weapons. Yeah.

So the crown jewels you have to queue for a long time and rooms with nothing in. And I think somewhere there's a big load of jewels and stuff from the royalty. Just get it all out yeah put it all out there show it all like a car boot sale yeah sounds like a logistics nightmare that is each jewel gonna have its own security guard sort of roadie approach to life i mean that is a logistical nightmare you've got people walking through empty rooms just waiting. Surely there's more stuff.

I like it. It sounds like a Kate Bush video in the 80s. When you finally get to the Crown Jewels, you've been moving very slowly all the time, and then there's a conveyor belt. What, a sort of generation game? Yeah. Some sushi's coming past.

Yeah, no, but if you want to go close to the jewels, there's a conveyor belt, so it's moving you along. So you can only, like, you know, you have to be running along the travelator, like Gladiator, to keep looking at one thing. Hang on, are you suggesting the crown jewels are on some kind of sushi travelator? No, the crown jewels are stationary.

And you're on the travelator. It's like, yo, sushi, around the crown jewels. All the Jewels are stationary. And you're on the travel agency. It's like yo sushi around the Crown Jewels. So you go around. Sushi places are available. But why can't you just see them? Can't you just press a button and say, no, I want to stand here. I want to be stationary while I view them.

No, you cannot do that. You can't get off. It moves you on. I mean, you can go back round. Oh, so you could just stay on. What is this for? Is this to stop thieving? I think it's just to keep people moving

because the stationary... Why? The stationary cabinets were quite hard to see in because... There were stationary cabinets there? Yeah. I mean, it's less impressive than... I thought it was like an office. No, just, I mean, the cabinets that weren't moving,

not royal pens. Great stationary cabinets. Oh, right. With ER on the files. Yeah, so there's the travelator bit, which moves you past the main crowns and everything with the jewels on. But then there's a raised, just behind that, there's a raised platform where you can go higher

and then you can look over the people on the travelator and then you can spend all the time you want there. But you are looking at them from a distance. But then with those bits they've got like little plaques telling you what it is and then a little metal version of the crown smaller right but so you can feel like you're touching it and feel what but it's not the real thing and it's smaller so they've got a facsimile of the crown. Very unusual. And, I mean, they were pretty jewels, but it was quite a short bit of travelator.

I like they were pretty jewels. Did you put that on TripAdvisor? And then by the time we got into the jewels, Elijah, my youngest, needed a wee, so I had to take him out. Of course, he's needing a wee, but he's stuck on a circular travelator. Yeah, but he could have grabbed one of those California rolls while he was there.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We're talking about Gareth's trip to the Tower of London. And generally unimpressive wonders of the world that people have seen. Yes.

Things that are supposed to be... Exactly. So we saw the Crown Jewels. That took quite a long time, and then there wasn't much of it. And then there's the White Tower in the middle, and there's a torture section, which was really short.

Is it? Because I think basically... You'd think that'd be long and drawn in. Yeah. A bit of a chore. Just strange. Ironically, that would have been... This is just the whole point of it.

Well, ironically, that would have been the purpose of my visit and I would have wanted to have spent some time dwelling in the torture chamber. What about torture fans? Yeah, but I think when people torture people... A much overlooked section of society. I think when people torture people, though, they cover their tracks. They don't tend to keep the memorabilia around.

When I go to a historical thing, I don't want to look at jewellery. I want to hear about torture. Absolutely. I was very disappointed about that. So that was like one room, and then you're through it, and it's like, well, that was... And, you know, Iraq isn't great to look at

because it's basically just bits of wood. Iraq? No, Iraq. Iraq. OK. Like, for stretching people. Just don't take that out of context. It's going to cause all sorts of problems. Yeah, not Iraq.

And also, don't take out of context Alan Cochran saying, I want to look at torture. Yeah. OK? Well, that's probably to avoid, you know, your sort of, you know, people who just want to... Anyway. Okay. So what happens in the torture chamber?

Or does that stay in the torture chamber? It was just like you just go through and also it was a bit prim and a bit like they don't want to be... You know, it's not like the London dungeon where they love all the gruesome stuff. It was like, actually, torture didn't happen that much in the UK. Oh, it was a PC torture chamber.

You might have hit the nail on the head there. Well, don't do that in the torture chamber. It's so close to the dungeon, they might be thinking, oh, we can't really do torture. They do it. It's just down the road. Well, then don't do it. Give up on it. Torture fans are going to be just at the dungeon. We're getting the jewellery crowd.

That's what they're thinking. But then we went in the white tower, which is the square bit in the middle. That's got a thing. So we thought, oh, we'll go in there. So the crown jewels was quite short. The torture thing centre was one room, torture centre. I like that you've modernised it.

And isn't it funny? Torture chamber sounds quite sort of medieval, whereas torture centre sounds highly unpleasant. Absolutely, yeah. But then there's an exhibition about all the weapons that they've got, and that lasted absolutely ages. There was about four floors of it.

You kept having to go up windy stairs. I felt like imprisoned in the Tower of London, which is, you know, ironic. That's what it's made for. And then Ethan, he just got in his head. He didn't care about the Tower of London. All he wanted to do... We should say this is your son,

not your civil partner. Was to go... Or husband, as it would be now. He was obsessed with going to the fast food place he'd seen on the way in nearby which was a fried chicken outlet so all the way we're trying to give

I can't imagine which one that would be we're trying to give them a historical education and he's going KFC are we going to KFC other places are available and then he said what, KFC, are we going to KFC? Are we going to KFC? Other places are available. And then he said, what does KFC stand for? And I said, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

And then all the way around, he was just going, did you know that KFC stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken? So we're in a historical place to learn about history. Can I just call that, that that his nugget for the day? Very good. You got there too. Other fried chicken places are available. Okay. I'm glad you made that clear. But yeah, I'm sorry that

your visit was so disappointing. Well, no, I love spending time with my family and doing whatever Laura wants to do and I valued the quality time we spent in that place, rich with history and heritage. Gareth's turned into a Tory MP suddenly. I love spending quality time

with my family. Scandals after this. We've had a text in of other tourist attractions that aren't very good. We've got 498, Hi B Team, the not so great wall of China. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Hi B Team? Are we okay? I can live with it. That's what they've decided. The people have spoken. And also, you know what? It's like Brexit. 52% of them think we're the B Team. The people have spoken. And also... And sure, it'll cost us 50 billion, but we will get to borrow a tapestry. The great thing. And also... And sure, it'll cost us 50 billion, but we will get to borrow a tapestry.

The great thing is also... This person has started with the Great Wall of China, and I'm really happy with that. So they can say whatever they like. 498, high B team, the not-so-great Wall of China. The bit where the tourists are was built in the 80s and the rest is a shambles.

Save yourself the bother. Thanks. I'm going to do that. I'm going to make a note of that. I wonder if that's a theme. Don't go and see the great wall. I mean, I don't want to upset Donald Trump, but I think walls are overrated.

Oh, Adrian's wall's pretty rubbish as well. It's about a foot and a half. You can stride across it with ease. Also, just call yourself Adrian like everyone else. Adrian, what are you doing? It's about a foot and a half. You can stride across it with ease. Also, just call yourself Adrian like everyone else. Adrian, what are you doing? Adrian. Adrian's wall. I'll tell you one thing that is good about the biotapestry

is how many people have got what are cliched, boring names. There's like Williams and Normans. Yes, right. Anyway. Alright, Alan and Gareth. Harold All right, Alan and Gareth. Harold. Yeah, Alan and Gareth.

We're probably in there somewhere. There's an Edward. The confessor. There are people that say there's a bit of subterfuge with Macron offering us, in inverted commas, the bio-tapestry. Because there are some people saying,

why would he do that? Yeah, what's in it? What's going on i think there's two possibilities one i think they might need to hoover where it is oh yeah they need to give it a clean like let's move and we'll hoover behind the tapestry slash embroidery yeah yeah so we'll look quite long isn't it 230 meters is it? 70. Feet or metres? I forgot. But it's long. You've exaggerated the size of it.

It's fine. It's 70 metres. We are prone to do that as men. 70 metres, yes. 70 metres. But that's bigger than the channel because I did think we could maybe share it if it's long enough. That's a good idea but it might not be robust enough. It takes a while to go round. And they're saying when slash if we do get it in Britain, where is it going to be displayed? A lot of people

are saying, oh, but it's in London. Everything's in London. I've had a bit of a brainwave. If there's any of the powers that be that are listening. Unlikely, but go for it. Alton Towers. Put it alongside a roller coaster. We'll all be able to see it. It'll be a bit like the conveyor belt. It's like the travelator for the Crown Jewels. Very safe bet for Alton Towers who've been in a bit of trouble

of late. So, you know, they'll still sell candy floss and mouse mats but they'll get the history crowd in as well. I love that idea. They could have

Simon Sharma on the roller coaster giving one of his little speeches about history. Yeah. It'd be great. I mean, they are talking about, yeah, is it the British Museum they've said it's going to be displayed at?

Oh, is it? Oh. I think they're deciding. I think Hastings won it. I just like the fact that Alan is such a British Museum hater. He went, oh, you tutted. It's all London, isn't it? It's London.

What about Alton Towers or the North? Okay. Or Hastings? Let's give it to Hastings, you're right. I mean, it's not my decision, thankfully. And then with Hastings, you'll be able to compare it to the real place. See how accurate it is. Like historic photos. When you say, see how accurate it is,

I think the answer is not very accurate at all. A 70-metre area of Hastings, I'm not sure the 70 metre area of Hastings isn't focused on the background that much. People just look at you is this landscape?

I don't know, you'd be surprised. I don't know how many people worked on it at any given time but you see the other thing

I heard is that it was actually technically it was made here I believe. Made in Britain. made in Britain. Made in Britain.

People have spoken. It says it on the back. There's a little sticker. So I'm just saying, will we give it back once it's here? We might not. We'll see how it goes. You know what we're like with artefacts. I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of Emmanuel, though.

Wouldn't you? No. I'd like to get on the right side. Oh, that's terrible. Oh, I see. I do apologise. You're doing that thing. I know, it's terrible. I don't know how to get out of right side. Oh, that's terrible. I do apologise. You're doing that thing. I know, it's terrible.

I don't know how to get out of it now. Get me out of it. It's terrible. Just press a button. Shall I? OK, I'm doing it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show, but Frank's not here this morning. Love you. Mean it, Frank. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm here with Alan Cochran. Good morning. Morning.

I'm here with Gareth Richards. You should just do an impersonation of me. I just wanted to put it out there, see how it went. All right. Parts of the conversation. Okay. Yeah, I'm just answering for you. We've been talking about underwhelming landmarks. Yes, we have been. We wrote off the Tower of London.

Yes. We wrote off the biotapestry. We did. I mean, we didn't write them off. Embroidery. We just didn't give it a five-star review on TripAdvisor. True. I didn't even get onto the Eiffel Tower.

But can I just say, electricity pylon in a public information film? Thank you. 759 has said to Sistine Chapel. The Sistine Chapel where the fingers touch. Utterly underwhelming and barely discernible. All the best. That's a bold move. I like

it. Are we going to be in trouble this morning for sort of desecrating culture? Possibly, but I think that's part of commercial radio's job, isn't it? Okay, yes, you're right, actually. Absolute radio, desecrating culture. We're here to advance. Since time immemorial. 057, I know you don't necessarily always read out this sort of thing,

but morning, please could you give us a shout-out because I'm marrying the wonderful Tom today and I'm currently getting ready with my fab bridesmaids and mum. I can't wait to be Mrs. Land. Love, Chez. Which is nice, but another overrated landmark, marriage.

I did wonder for a moment why you were reading that. Who's getting married? Chez and Dave? Chez? Chez. Okay. Chez and Dave?

Chez and Tom. I was just confused about it. Snooker loopy. Chez and Tom are very excited for their big day, but, you know, limit your expectations. Wow, I hope everything's all right at home. In the Richards household. How's everything in the Cockrell household?

The Cockrell household is all right. I'm enjoying... I mean, I've had a bit of an anus horribilis exercise-wise. A bit of an anus horribilis. It doesn't work. You can get some cream for that. In the new year. I've had a problem this year with exercise. It's been jinxed.

What's happened? Well, first of all, I had, you know, a problem. Let's call it a tummy problem. And so I couldn't train. And then I had an incident i had embarrassing incident i uh well tell me problem was quite embarrassing i tried to do you know so i sometimes go upstairs and do a workout with a kettlebell um and uh if you don't know what a kettlebell is it's like two different things it's like a cannonball it's like a cannonball with a handle on it that you

swing and sometimes line up and down with that yeah so i put one of those on the floor started to do some warming up exercises and then thought oh i'll lie on the floor you know when you lie on the floor and you bridge your hips up so i'll do some bridges so i'd forgotten that i'd put the heavy kettlebell behind me and i went to fall back onto the floor and i cracked my head on a 24 kilo lump of steel and thought i honestly thought i was going to pass out um and even though my wife was in the same building as me our home she didn't come to your aid no i phoned her from upstairs i didn't dare get up and then walk down the stairs. I phoned her and went, could you come upstairs and check on me, please? Bye.

Like that. Because I thought, if I now nod off, they're downstairs watching a film. Oh, yeah, Daddy's been doing a really long workout. He's been up there for three hours. I like you phoning her. It's slightly sort of Donald and Melania relationship. It was a bit melodramatic,

but then I was very concerned that I might get a concussion because concussions are scary and dangerous and I googled them. While you were lying on the floor? No, a bit later when I'd come around a little bit more. I didn't go out or anything, I didn't pass out but I did worry about having a concussion and I googled them and the symptoms, it said, of concussions

can be moodiness, prone, prone to ill temper, check, and being kind of depressing company, and occasionally making sexually inappropriate remarks. So, hang on. Check, check, check. Yeah, I'm a bit worried I've had concussion for about 30 years and made quite a good living out of it.

Yeah, yeah. Have all comedians. Are they all suffering from concussion in their head? I don't know. There's a bit of me that's worried by that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank by that. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were over at Cockrell Towers.

Indeed. Which doesn't have a travelator. No. It's got a stupid man in it that bashed his own head on a bit of exercise. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but if I was to have one this year, it would be keep the dangerous exercise equipment where you can see it before you fall backwards.

I think that's a very specific but a very good resolution. Yeah, but I don't really believe in them. I think they're a thing that stupid people do. Wow. Since the knock on the head, you can run with it. I can't actually do them. I heard an interesting thing. I think people set themselves stupid resolutions

that they then can't fulfil. I don't like the lemming nature of the time of year either. Often too vague. Yeah, and people do that thing of, oh, everyone else is doing dry January. Why don't I do dry January? Like, just, you know. Well, that's why I say in my New Year's resolution,

I've said this before, I'm going to take up smoking. Good for you. Just to see the faces on me. That would be great. But I heard somebody saying a thing about one-word resolutions. Have you heard this? No. Where you just think of a word that you need more of in your life

and then you have that as, like, an overarching theme. Vocabulary. Yeah, exactly. So it's quite good fun. I mean, it's known on this show that I'm a fan of double denim. So this year, my resolution could be denim and I could just like really enjoy it and get stuck in. But I like that because you've kept it realistic.

I mean, mine would be tights, but I appreciate that's not very glamorous. You can't wear those all year round, can you? I thought you had a rule. You watch me. I thought it was like, you know, you can only wear them after certain leaves have fallen and before the... No, you can't. No, it's about Labour Day, which is an American tradition.

So the idea being that you shouldn't be... You shouldn't wear tights if you're a government in Labour. No, you can't. They don't mean that, Gareth. Quite handy in its own way. I think it's no tights after Labour Day. And I think that falls at a time. I'm not quite sure of the exact date.

I'm sure one of our readers will tell us. But it's to do with the fact that you can't wear them too heavily into the summer months. Right. Do you see? And then they banned them entirely and they said they weren't chic.

Meghan Markle, I noticed, wasn't wearing a tight for the engagement photos, which didn't go down very well with the Queen. Isn't there a problem with your system, which is that America has different weather systems than us? I know, but darling, fashion is international. Yeah, but weather isn't.

Like, if I start applying rules for what I wear by my cousins in Australia, I'm going to be in trouble. I get led. Yeah, but we don't take any notice of seasons, really. Really? Yeah, we don't. You try and go from one heated interior to another where possible.

A lot of stuff is reduced in TK Maxx for the wrong reasons. It says past season on the label. So have you got your resolutions now? Yeah, yeah. I would just say, when we're talking broadly about fashion, if you're getting your guidance from TK Maxx for that yeah good point i don't want to burst anyone's bubbles but we may be

talking about different worlds one word resolutions i'm still thinking about because i think you can choose your new year's resolution yes as long as you do it by the end of january you're fine a lot of people think you have to pick it by the first of january i don't agree so i'm considering concussion concussion was one of them i wasst of January. I don't agree. So I'm considering... Concussion? Concussion was one of them. I was also thinking something that I don't do that I should add in. Right. Prayer. Oh. Oh. What's Frank going to say? I'm only kidding. I'm only kidding. Oh, no, you've said it now, love. I mean, what's Frank going to say about this? I don't know. Be delighted. You're right. I think he's going to be so happy.

You know what? This is such big news. I'm giving it the town crier. Oh, that's good. Hear ye, hear ye. Okay, calm down, dear. Cochrane turns to prayer. Is that a kettlebell?

Yeah. Just repeatedly in the back of my head. Just to taunt you with your injury. Yeah. I'm going to get catchphrase.

I'm going to invent a catchphrase and become a'm going to invent a catchphrase and become a comedian that's got a catchphrase this year. I thought you were just blurting that out like Roy Walker.

My own idea was I can't believe you get me for this money. That was what I was going to repeatedly say. You know what I like? I can't believe you get me for this money.

What do you think of that? I quite like that. Do you like it, Gareth? I don't know if the audience likes seeing behind the curtain that much. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Karen Morgan has tweeted us saying,

patiently waiting to hear what Emily's got to... Sorry. It's a tweet. So it says, patiently waiting to hear at Divine Miss M give her opinion on Prince William's hair this weekend

at Frank on the Radio. I don't think she means his son. Oh, lovely. Thank you. Lovely. Thank you very much. Good night.

Well, this is going to go well because there's a lot of hairdressing puns, aren't there, with the salons. Million hairs. Indeed. He's gone.

Well, thank you for that, because I do have quite a lot to say, as you can imagine. He's gone for the buzz cut. He has indeed. I think it's called RC Youth Correspondents on the... Yes, they're nodding. I mean, it's a bit army, isn't it? Yeah, but the royals have often got a bit military about them. I don't know, but I've been told.

Yeah, right. And they've got that going on. He wears uniform a lot, though. Yeah. Oh, yes, he does. It's a bit, but what he's gone, it's a bit, you know, I would say he was at the stage prior to this buzz cut, you know Die Hard with a Vengeance, when Bruce Willis is clinging on to the last embers?

Yes. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And now he's just thought, no, I'm going to be liberated from the daily comb-over. And I think it's the best thing he's done. I think he looks fabulous. It's wonderful. I think he looks great. I don't think it was deliberate, though.

I don't think it's deliberate. Do you not? I think it's happened because he's posh. I think his hairdresser said, how are you? And he began an anecdote by going, one, and he just thought, oh, one all over, are you? And he began an anecdote by going, one. And he just thought, oh, one all over, all right.

And he did it. That's fine work. I like that. You're having that. Yeah, I'm enjoying that. I think I might be having that out. But I like, I mean, doesn't he look great? He looks like, I want to play Diana Ross as I'm coming out.

Because he feels like a new man. I don't think that's the story. I mean, that would be front page news. The other front page news was that it cost 180. How much? By the way, that's someone's suggestion for my catchphrases. I think that's great for your catchphrase. I think it's been done by other northerners.

Oh, you don't want to do a Pasquale. No, I'm not doing that. But the haircut cost £180. Pounds? Yes. Not £1.80. Well, yes, we use pounds in this country. Oh, sounds a bit Brexit.

By Bournemouth prices, that's a bit pricey. That is a bit pricey. There's a place in Huddersfield that if Wills is listening, Prince William, Wills. That's what people called him in the papers 20 years ago when he was a boy. Will, shall I die? Yeah. There's a place in Huddersfield that I'm going to say balding men frequent.

Get me there. Where a buzz cut will cost you three pounds. Three pounds. And the line- Three pounds. The line-up is just all bald men. They just,

they take a flat cap off and then they get their hair buzz cut and they're out in about 30 seconds. It's a pretty good hourly rate. Is it? You're right,

said Fred go there. I think everyone goes there if they're in that area. Can I just say something though? There has been some heated debates about the 180. Yeah.

And my answer to these people is this. You're paying, in this instance, he's paying, I would say, £20 for the haircut and £160 for the hair not to be sold on eBay. Oh. Do you see? Yeah.

So it's the price of discretion. I say that, although they're dead still, that story's in the newspapers. Yeah. But, you know, he's a king. Where's he going to go? He can't go to the barbers. Come on. I would see your three pounds for a buzz cut and say for like 15 quid or something

you can get the clippers yourself. And if he's doing that, yeah, he could do that himself. I'll do that for him. I do beard and head myself. Yeah. Can I just say, Gareth, you cutting Wills' hair, I mean, you know, I'd pay to watch that. We're talking about Prince William,

or Wills, as you called him out. I did. And his new haircut, which we seem to all be unanimously fans of. A fan of the haircut, not a fan of the price. £180 is too much. But I did a bit of research on it,

and apparently your typical human head has got 100,000 hair follicles. So maybe he's paying per hair. Maybe it's like a pound a hair or a penny a hair. It is expensive, Al. I grant you. I Russell grant you. But what I will say is that don't you think this is a superb role model for your balding man?

Yeah. You know, you don't have to do a Wayne Rooney. No, it's good. It's expensive and the recovery time is long. Just, you know, embrace your baldness. It shows incredible fortitude of character that he's stuck with the baldness because you would think with all the resources at his disposal,

he could have had... Something could be done. Well, he's not short of headgear. Yeah, he could have had a... I mean, I just never take the crown off. You know how some men who are having hair loss... I just don't think those bare-skinned ones are realistic. Right. Yeah, he could probably have borrowed one of those from a friend just keep the crown on at all times yeah

i mean he doesn't technically have it yet does he's waiting for his dad to uh but you know you know his gran and his dad are in the way of the constant crown wearing for him i think i do them being in the way yeah sorry suggestion too that he's done it way of the constant crown-wearing for him. I think I'll do them being in the way. Yeah. Sorry, Gareth. A suggestion, too, that he's done it because of the taunting from his brother. I did not like this taunting story.

No, I didn't like the sound of that. I mean, they're all taunting. I kind of caught it from the brothers. But apparently even Meghan Markle was teasing him. She got him, like, a ginger hair hat wig thing. And I think he ought to have been like, hey, you've only just joined this family, love. And you're American and a divorcee, so wind your neck in.

Well, I think she's probably, because it says that Kate has taken the mick out of him, that they were on some, you know, shaking hands with people. And yes, but there was some alpaca fur and she gave it to him and said, you need this more than me. Oh, dear. Good gag.

Great gag. I'm fine with that gag in a relationship. I mean, there's an element of cruelty there. Relationships should have that. I don't see Will finding any of this funny. If it was me, I would have zero sense of humour on this. And then Harry, like to some guy in barbados is making jokes when will's behind will's back yeah i mean he would be in the tower

for that sort of thing on the travelator in the tower on the travelator to the scaffold i think yes i think you're right it sounds like that would be an undignified way to go wouldn't it do I have to go on the travelator I want the dignity of the walk I heard Anne Boleyn got a walk

no it's modernised now you have to go on the travelator and I think Megan's just trying to fit fit in and got him and went too far

yes like got him a ginger one of those Scottish ginger she's called her friends and this will be hilarious. I don't think Will likes me. What can I do?

Yeah. And then she's really had a mare. She's got a bit thirsty for the friendship. Yeah. And she's overstepped the mark, if you know what I mean. Overstepped the mark? Yeah, she's overstepped the mark. Good for you.

That's a catchphrase. That's going to be the firstle. Good for you. Hey, that's a catchphrase. I'm just saying that's a potential catchphrase. I love it. It's not as good as how much. Nothing is. In other royal news, actually, there was a story which I also enjoyed, which was there's been a list released of the gifts that they receive every year. Did you boys see this? Oh, yeah. Yes, because they have to declare gifts when they get them.

Yes. I'm glad I don't. I'll tell you some of the things I got. Can I just say I've enjoyed my week wearing new bamboo socks that were sent to the show last week. We did get those, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, they've gone down very well.

Very well. But some of them... I can only imagine how the royal family are feeling with some of the plunder they've got. Wow. What about... These are just some of my favourites. The Queen, purple fleece dog bed, brooches and a silk scarf. It's all gone a bit Tori and P's wife.

Brilliant. A purple fleece dog bed. I mean, I should do with that. Do you think that's for her dogs, or do you think she has a go at that? For the corgis? I don't know. But, I mean, some of her stuff,

she got some great stuff. Some of the haul was good. Duke of Edinburgh travel back gammon and a cloak. Oh, the cloak sounds awesome. What the? The cloak sounds fantastic. It's described as a traditional Spanish cloak by the cloak sounds awesome. What the? Yeah. The cloak sounds fantastic. It's described as a traditional Spanish cloak by the King and Queen of Spain

featuring a standing collar Feet. Feet collar. and a crimson velvet lining and was finished with a silver salamanca-style clasp. And then the article I read said, as an official gift, the cloak belongs to the nation.

So that means we can all wear it. Why can't we all have a go in it? Well, we're going to. Form an orderly queue. They could put it somewhere in the Tower of London, one of their spare rooms. You can have a shot of the cloak and then go on to the boring bits. Can we apply?

I'm asking the producer. If it belongs to the nation, we could apply. I'm just saying, a certain person who's not here today has a birthday coming up. And loves a cloak. And loves a cloak. He loves a cloak. What's the clasp again? Salamanca? Yeah. Oh, I don't know what that means,

but I love it. Did I mispronounce it? No, I enjoyed it. I wanted to hear it again, because I didn't know. I like the idea of the standing collar, like Dracula. Brilliant. They're giving him an element of... So practical. It's almost as if they see him as a

slightly sinister character. Or a glam rock figure. Whichever. And suggesting that he likes playing games and disguise. Yeah. I don't know where

they got that idea from. My other favourite haul was Prince Andrews. Oh yeah. Panda decoration and a prosthetic hand. He decoration and a prosthetic hand. He got given a prosthetic hand? Yes, from a Leeds Technology Centre.

In case he goes too near a panda. I thought he just vigorously shook the hand of somebody that was an amputee. Also, oh, what does panda decoration... Keep that. You can have that if you want. I've got loads of them. I'm having that.

Does panda decoration... I mean, if that meant a panda was sent round to do your painting and decorating, I'd like that. Oh, yeah. But I don't know how that sounds. That could just be a brooch. But the prosthetic hand, if I was going to give that to any member of the Royal family,

I don't think Prince Andrew's the most responsible. I'm just saying I think it could be coming at parties, that's all. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio we're talking about the royal gift list

I have to say the Queen also got a union flag from Major Tim Peake's spacesuit can I just say that's one thing the Queen doesn't need

is a union flag she's got a few of those that's a bit Colston Newcastle she's got some of those as well I would imagine but don't give the is a union flag. She's got a few of those. That's a bit close to Newcastle. She's got some of those as well, I would imagine. I imagine. But don't give the Queen a union flag, because that will get re-gifted.

Someone else is going to end up with that in their stocking. Although that particular one, I wonder if she's... She might have had to label it, like the special union flag that Tim Peake took to space. MTP. It was a badge, wasn't it, on his uniform. So she can, you know... Ambassador, you're spoiling us.

Sew it onto one of her cloaks. A ripped off old badge. Sew it onto her swimsuit. Prince Charles was gifted 57 books during the period of time that we're discussing. Lovely. I wonder what kind of gift receiver he is.

I wonder if at any point he went, do you have this on the Kindle? I'm on the road, travelling a lot. 57? 57's a lot. He would have been meeting these dignitaries in their countries a lot. 57's a lot.

He strikes me as a reader though. And me, yeah. But are they ours too? Yeah, it's like a library. yeah that's true 57's a lot well yeah he strikes me as a reader though and me yeah but are they ours too yeah it's like a library we've got access to those books he could set up a little library couldn't he he's got a little library

Prince George got a dream catcher that's a bit we fed the neighbours cat isn't it that's what you bring back no one wants that come on

yeah well you know let him have his dreams for goodness sake don't tread on his dreams Princess Royal I mean she she was, I was going to say up there, but down there with Prince Andrew on the gif front.

Model tractor and a DVD of the Scottish Fiddle Orchestra. Oh, dear. Lovely. Meghan Markle was given an apron. Yeah, I don't... As if to say welcome to Britain and our gender politics. Yeah, I don't like that in the modern era. Well, you say that, but the Duke and Duchess of Cornwall

got a set of tied wooden brooms. Now, the one thing I would say about brooms is I don't think you want them tied together. It's not very useful, at least to distribute them. And a bag of lentils. Bag of lentils? Yeah. They were going to a cafe in...

Was it a vegan cafe or something? Ugh. Bag of lentils. Don't upset them. Don't upset them. The apron, I noticed, had an M on it. It didn't even have, like, a French maid depicted on the front. You know, you can get those aprons that have got a picture of, like, a bikini outfit,

which, that would have been a bit of fun. Or maybe, yeah. Or like a, you know, a man with a hairy chest. Yeah. She also got a leather passport holder where nothing says go back home.

You'll be needing this, love. No, but the leather's nice. Yeah, leather. Maybe that was one of Frank's friends in the S&M community. Talking of Frank, he will be back next week.

Coming up is Sarah Champion. Sarah, Sarah. Frank, he will be back next week. Coming up is Sarah Champion. Sarah, Sarah. Is that a regular thing? That's one of Frank's. Thank you so much, Gareth. Thank you so much, Alan. We'll be seeing you.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.