The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Enforced Laminate

Episode Date: August 18, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank was joined by Steve Hall and Emily Dean this week. The team chatted about Frank's encounter with the 13th Doctor, Rod Stewart's furniture and haircut disasters.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the... Can we have a correction? What? Not Alan Cochran. Oh no. You just said.

Steve Hall. Sorry, I'm not... You just did it. Sorry, readers. Alan's in Edinburgh. Look, no. You just said. Steve Hall. Sorry, I'm not. Sorry, readers. Alan's in Edinburgh. Look, I'm not very well. I'm drinking Dioralite, for goodness sake. Okay, Steve Hall.

Now, you've stopped me before I've done the email thing. Oh, you've ruined everything. We could have corrected that later. Oh, so you forget him. People won't be able to email. Yes, they will. It's so you forget him. People won't be able to email. Yes, they will. It's the worst possible start. OK.

Anyway. 8.12.15 on the text, ladies and gentlemen. Next time you should just pretend to be Alan for the rest of the show. Legend. I don't like spending money. I got the whip in. Does it say Alan Copper on the note?

I don't know. Anyway. You don't want to hear this, housekeeping. I'm sorry, everyone at home. You might not be at home. You might be on waste ground with some bottles of cider. Doesn't make you a bad person. If you're at the Edinburgh Festival

and you're working for Absolute Radio. Well, we don't know that for certain. Just saying. So, yes, good morning. Sorry, Steve, but you could have let me finish all the housekeeping. Yikes. Yes, so, welcome. And I don't know if I've ever in a long, long past ever told this story,

but in 1996, I went to the All-Star Baseball game in Philadelphia. Lovely. I actually played in the softball game. Well, let's say 1996 was a big old year for you. Oh, I'll say. It was one of your, you know, it was a big moment. I remember sitting at the game, and they have shots of people in the crowd

and they had a shot of me sitting in the crowd. This is in Philadelphia, like I'm a big name. Couple getting engaged. And it said underneath, I'm currently number one in the UK. Fantastic. It was true. Shut up.

An LL called you, he was sitting in front of me, turned around and went, hey, cool man. I said, who are you? So anyway, there was a lot of events going on around the I wish they'd have done that at a youth event

now, golly number one in the UK They must have thought I was Elton or something. So anyway, the reason I'm telling this story is they had lots of corporate events, as you can imagine, around this big baseball thing. And we went into one that was like a sort of fair where they just gave you lots of free stuff. And there's a stage set up with, you know,

clearly there was going to be someone come on. And you know, if you ever get to any kind of corporate gig, and I don't know if you ever do, but if there's going to be a music act, it's going to be... Who was it that did Save Your Kisses for me? Save Brotherhood of Man. Yeah, but it's going to be Brotherhood of Man or something,

you know, Mod might be on. Yeah. So anyway, so I thought, no one knew who it was, so when the act came out, it was Aretha Franklin. Oh, wow. Shut up. So I'm actually leaning on the stage, and Aretha Franklin comes walking out

and does a corporate gig to about 200 people. But the bit that sticks in my mind more than anything is the guitar player has got two laminates on. One of them is tucked in his top pocket, so you can see the ribbon, but you can't see what the laminate is. And the other one hanging down was the standard 1996 All-Star Game laminate like we was all wearing. And at one point, Aretha looked across at this guy,

walked over to him, mid-song, still singing, took the laminate out of his pocket, which had got her face on, took that out of the pocket and put the other one in the pocket. So it was her face that was on the laminate. Invisible. I'm not saying she wasn't a great singer. No.

But I think she was strict. I think she kept a tight ship. I like that about Aretha. Yeah. I'll always remember that. The enforced lamina. I mean, what I would have done is maybe said to him, you'd better give my lamina that boy. And he could have done is maybe said to him, you'd better get my lemonade out, boy, and I wasn't good for you.

And he could have done it, but to walk over mid-gig. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Well, it suggests an attention to detail, which I dare I say, I respect. I think it suggests a sort of a remember of the bosses. Yeah. Which is, God bless her for that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank her for that Absolute Absolute

Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio we're back on air I've been filling in on doing Alan's Friday night trawl

Steve Hall covering the trawl and John Duff has written having listened to last week's show I think he's identified

something that fell on stony ground. He said it wasn't acknowledged last week, but Emily, your Sandy Toksvig was excellent. Thank you. What was that one? Remind me. What were we talking about? My Sandy Toksvig? I think we were talking about cakes, bake-off. And we were imagining Gareth Southgate

having a bake-off party with some of the England players. Oh, yeah. And I think I might have said, Gareth, darling, have you got the Madeira? I love Toxvig. Yeah, it's very good. Do you know what? I want to become Toxvig.

You will, Oscar. You will. Could be Britney Spears' song, I'm addicted to you, but I know that your talk's vague. Oh. Very fine. We've also got 880. Oh, yeah.

Morning, guys. That sounds like an online betting company. He says, I'm wondering if you three have any sage advice for a lonely student heading into his last Greek philosophy exam later this morning. Okay. Wow. I mean, it's one we might want to think about throughout the show. No pressure to come up with something immediately, but I like the sound of Dan in Exeter. Yes. Well, what I would suggest to him is that no man steps into the same river twice. I love that.

A life without examinations is intolerable to me, is what I would say. I believe that was Socrates. Greek philosophy. There's a genuine possibility that what's the point might actually just be one of the exam questions. Yeah. It's been a week, of course, for those things on the news of people opening letters and looking excited, you know.

Jumping into the air, punching the air. They never seem to have the people who've failed. Well, no, they go on Twitter, because you know you get the spate of celebrities saying, well, I got, you know, three years. Jeremy Clarkson is. And then they'll say, and my chef's just preparing my truff know, three U's. Yeah, Jeremy Clarkson is. And then they'll say, and my chef's just preparing my truffles, as we speak.

So that's a thing now. Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Jeremy Clarkson does it as an annual tweet. I think he... He got three U's. Yeah, I believe so. Or a C and two U's or something.

I mean, why would you bother recording them if they were that bad? I don't think we should celebrate ignorance in any aspect. Yeah. I wonder if there's people getting... It also does... Like, in my case, I did pretty well, and then I ruined my life at university.

There's people who might go, you got three eights, but it could all still be downhill from here. Yeah. Maybe just celebrate doing well in your A-levels and not worry about where it might end up. Yeah. Respect to anyone who did well in their A-levels. As I say, really, it will all come down anyway

to how you pronounce the letter H. So, you know, this is what your success in life will be based on. Is that still true? Yeah, it's a thing. OK. That's better. Can I... If you remember, I was talking to you last week

about the fact that I was off to Somerset House. Yes. Yes. To see Jodie Whittaker give a talk about her favourite film, films that had influenced her life. Jodie Whittaker, you may know, is the new Doctor in Doctor Who. There'll be people who don't know that.

Indeed, yes. Always, always. Yeah, and you thought, Frank, it might be, because she's quite a sort of... I imagine there'd be some gritty Northern... That's what I was expecting. It wasn't really true. I thought it would be a sort of, I imagine there'd be some gritty northern. That's what I was expecting. It wasn't really true. I thought it would be A Taste of Honey and Man at the Top.

Oh, was it more Dirty Dancing? It was more, it was a lot of films I hadn't seen, actually. But The Goonies. Oh, really? Yeah, I walked out of that when I was about 12. Oh, did you? Oh, well, you didn't love this. And Blair Witch. Oh, yeah. Which,, you didn't love this. And Blair Witch.

Oh, yeah. Which, again, I've never seen. Yeah. Did it leave you inspired to watch them? Not Blair Witch. That just looked terrifying. I don't like horror films. Frank doesn't like scary movies.

They actually do that which they are supposed to do. I actually lie awake in the night thinking that someone is standing in the corner of my bedroom. I mean, I literally think that someone will get out the wardrobe and stuff like that. And so what about the scarier Doctor Who ones? No, I'm alright with

ours, for goodness sake. What do you think I am? I'm sorry. You make me sick. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I was looking at the Somerset Live website. Oh, yeah. I'm very interested in all things parochial. Yes any sort of local papers for anything i love the way everything is twisted to make it local yeah and they announced um that jodie whittaker becoming doctor who and and i i wrote down what they wrote dorset set Broadchurch actor. Bear in mind, she's not from there, but she was in a programme that was set there. Dorset set Broadchurch actor beats Somerset's Chris Marshall

as Peter Capaldi replacement. Because there was some suggestion that Chris Marshall might be the next actor. Everything is geared towards... So I'm wondering if they have a thing saying new Doctor Who appears at house named after Somerset. Because she was at Somerset House

up this weekend. Anyway, so she... Clearly she survived the... The last that we saw of the Doctor... Oh, don't spoil it. I'm saving it up. No, but it... She fell out of the TARDIS and plummeted towards the Earth.

Oh, no. That was how she was left. Yeah. A bit like... Do you remember... Oh, is that her arrival? Yes. That's how they left it, yeah.

Well, that sounds good. Maybe I'll watch it. I think you should watch it. Do you know... Because it's a great step forward for feminism. Well. I think you should watch it just because it's a great step forward for feminism. Well, I think I like her, I'm a fan of her, so I might start watching

it. Goodness me, this would be revolutionary. I mean, I've said this many times before, Frank, and I've never done it. No, I know. This might be the one. You're a Day of the Triffids girl, so this is a big bit of glasnost. But do you know when Legogo alfred the bottler uh fell out of the plane in um in the batman lego movie it's very very similar trope to that do you

remember that i don't i've not i don't think i've watched that film i say it's a brilliant film i would very much recommend it so anyway i think i have seen that is that everything is awesome i don't know maybe that's something else. That's the first one. I think that's the Lego movie. I'm sorry, I haven't caught up with this sequel. Anyway. So anyway, so I arrived there.

There's lots of people outside, obviously, of a Doctor Who fan nature, making do with my signature. Oh. When really they were... Because I think... I must get used to calling her Whittaker. I think it's very important we just call her Whittaker

because people are calling her Jodie, I notice. Yeah. And all the doctors, people always say, oh, yeah, Capaldi was brilliant and a tenant. Oh, yeah. So I think in the sign of equality... Have we got to go surname? They're always spoken of like you're at public school.

Yeah, yeah. They're always spoken of by their surname. So anyway, at the end... I met a bloke there who had come over and said, I'm a big fan of yours and all that. Lovely. And I signed... I had my photo took with him. And after he said, look, I've got something for him and after he said look i've got something for

you thanks for that i got something for you and he gave me the new sonic screwdriver oh wow i mean in my hand it wasn't a prank so how did he get hold of it wasn't some sci-fi ritual are they on sale yet yeah i think they must be on sale now the toys oh it's very lovely gift that yeah it is and so I have to consider in the nature of the event you're thinking but it was I think what was great about is at the end she said look I can't I'm not gonna do autographs cuz I've got a really long name. So that's a good... Great, great. She said, but if anyone wants a photo,

of course, the entire audience lined up, including me, I have to say. Oh, did you? To get a photo of the new dog. Did you get the photo? Well, someone very sweetly, someone came up to me and said, look, would you like to come backstage and do it?

And I said, oh, OK. Were you happy? So I waited at the back. There was a point where there was three people getting their photo took with me, just while they were killing time, where there's an enormous queue. I was like the studio theatre to her main auditorium. It's a lovely support act though. It's a nice surprise. It's like when the support

act, you're like, oh, they're not bad. I quite like them. Perkins is there. Had she met her before? I met her very briefly at a thing where she just said alright, I love, or something like that. At the opening of the Ned.

Yes, I was there with you, darling. I was one of your plus ones. You had a plus four. But no, as everyone says, she's a very, very, very nice person. So you had the picture taken. Was it better than the Buzz Aldrin experience? Yeah.

Yeah, she was a bit friendlier than that. Oh, good. Well, that's not hard, is it? We did actually chat and... Nice. ...have a go for a drink. I didn't get... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, not just me and her. I don't know about this. Come on. Come on, guys. What the... Come on. You went for a drink with Doctor Who? I went for a...

I've had a drink with Doctor Who before now. How many Doctor Whos have you had a drink with? I've had a drink with... Well, you know, I had Peter Capaldi and Tom Baker, even. If you go for a drink with them, you can go, Who's round is it? Does that work? Who's round is it anyway?

She wouldn't say, Who's round is it? That'd be like their surname. You wouldn't say, Skinner's round is it? Doesn't make any sense. Go back to the drawing board. That's my advice can i just say this this student is saying well no he's asking he's saying thanks for the philosophy advice guys the exam's at 9 30. so it's come in handy have we made it in time yeah did we help with that look i just think it's so brilliant that anyone who's studying Greek philosophy in 2018,

that I just want to tell that student that they are my hero. So what about that? I nearly said I was about that then, but those days are gone. That's crazy. Sorry if I'm a bit sluggish this morning. I'm on various... He's heavily medicated. I'm heavily medicated, it's true.

Oh, it's all gone a bit good morning Vietnam. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, I've got a whatever happened to. Oh, yeah. This is from 153. Morning, Frank and the gang. Whatever happened to... Well, I like that they say, whatever happened to, to start you off.

I like that. Do you want me to go... When shops closed down the windows, they used to be covered in newspaper. Oh, that is true. Yeah, you like that? Has that stopped? You don't see that these days

prose included that's from Norwich is that because of the death of print media yeah yeah I don't know

the newspaper thing definitely that was a big thing wasn't it it was yeah I'm surprised that's well yeah

maybe that is because newspaper used to be used for so many things yeah chips oh I had I had one come to me this week, actually.

Go on. Whatever happens to... Eloping. Yes. People used to elope. Yeah, Greta Green. They would just disappear off somewhere and then come back married.

Well, there was a Greta Green story very regularly in the press. Now these young people won't even know what that is. A friend of mine went to Gretna Green was a place in I guess it's a place in Scotland where you could just go and get married sort of immediately Yes and my parents would always make jokes

about it on the motorway and say oh that's where you'll end up. America has Las Vegas, we have Gretna Green Yeah well I remember a friend of mine got married, he did exactly that, drove off have Gretna Green. Yeah, well, I remember a friend of mine got married. He did exactly that, drove off to Gretna Green. And they had... One of the staff's stomachs has just rumbled to seeing you.

They had two witnesses. Sexy. I should point out someone said that to Frank once. Where were you? I was at the theatre in Edinburgh and my stomach rumbled and the woman next to me went, hmm, sexy. I mean, what is this strange pressure on you to be sexy all the time, like on Madonna?

Exactly. It didn't last long. Fuma's your brand. Oh, God, what was I saying? You were talking about Gretna Green. Oh, yeah. So we went and got married in Gretna Green and they had to have

two witnesses still and the witnesses was a cleaner and a woman who'd come to pay her rent. Very, very romantic. My wife and I eloped. We went off to Vegas

because my wife's Australian. You weren't married by an Elvis impersonator. No, no. It turns out within our price range, the Elvis impersonators were quite expensive. So for what we could afford, I look more like Elvis than the Elvis impersonators.

Okay. So we got married on the top of the Stratosphere Tower and the minister married us and then said I pronounce you man and wife and then we were catapulted 500 feet into the air. Really? Yeah, it was really good fun. But our witness was a very...

He was the photographer, and he acted as the witness as well. And as I kissed my now wife for the first time, he went, go on, slip her the tongue. Which is the most Vegas moment. But we eloped, much to the chagrin of my parents. But what about love? Exactly. Exactly. We've had another whatever happened to...

Chris Buckle has said, whatever happened to Knight's moves on Emily? Yeah, we tried to discourage that, to be honest. Oh, has that been actively discontinued? In the current climate. Well, he then says... Oh, I don't try and discourage it at all. No, no, but as you say, in the current climate,

we always had blokes sending in and saying, I'd be very happy to show Emily around Dunstable. She's up in the area. There's something wrong about it. So listen, I was on holiday this week. Oh. And they had a swimming pool. Yeah, flashy.

Yeah, exactly. I know how to live. And it wasn't cold. It was cold for a man of my age. And so what I thought, I thought I'll swim for a bit and then I'll get in the jacuzzi at the end. Very nice. Just to warm up.

It was a jacuzzi. Look at you, swimming confidently. Lovely, isn't it, these days? So there was a couple in there. But I thought, it's all right, it's a communal thing. So me and Kath got in the jacuzzi and then Boz came. Oh, God. Boz was there. Yeah, Boz got in as well. And then, so afterwards, someone said to me,

you know who you were with in the jacuzzi? Yeah. I said, no. And they said it was Keely Hawes. Oh. Oh, yeah. Do you know Keely Hawes? Yeah.

No, but thanks for the tip. I know. You can't do that one. Okay? That's not going to be hard. Keely Hawes, open brackets, spooks, close brackets. And I only say that because every actor I ever know has after their name, open brackets, spooks.

And Matthew McFadden, isn't he? Yeah, lovely. Open brackets, spooks, close brackets, spooks. Oh, yeah, he's spooks. I think of him as more Pride and Prejudice. Oh, okay. Which I think of, she was in Doctor Who. She was in the same series that I was in, in fact.

I like that suddenly people go way up in your estimation. What was it, Doctor Who? It was something like I'm trying to remember what episode. Oh, I'm sure it's okay. Miss Beetlebrox or something like that. She's one with the big glasses. Sort of evil femme fatale type figure.

Oh, sounds like me. Yeah. Yeah, so, yeah, we had a bit of jacuzzi action. Wow. I was going to say something terrible. Was it her in Ashes to Ashes as well? Oh, look, this is not IMDB. I'm just saying, for one brief moment,

it was celebrity heavy, that jacuzzi. Well, I think you'll find it was celebrity soup in that jacuzzi. It was. And I wish I'd been that crouton in there. Yes, well... But if I'd known it was there, would I have... Been nicer. Do you say hello to people?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you've never met, or you've never interviewed them in the past? It don't be ridiculous. Well, you do the... Do you do the sort of brotherhood of celebrity nod? Oh, yeah.

I definitely do that. I remember seeing Paul Henry from Crossroads working in a pub in Birmingham. Sorry, can we just explain who that is to people? He played a character called Benny. Yeah. Who was, how would you describe him, Frank? Giving you the hospital pass?

He was a simple rustic. Yeah, rustic is a great description. And I remember shaking, walking in and just walking out and shaking hands and the whole pub went quiet and looked at us. It's a brilliant moment. I almost think it was like when the bloke playing the devil shakes hands with one of the Nazi officers in the arthouse movie Mephisto. You work out who was who.

Absolute Radio. Ladies and gentlemen. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from Somerset Live. Oh, yeah. You were talking, was it specifically about them earlier? Well, yeah. Or Somerset-based journalism?

Well, it was about Somerset-based journalism? Well, it was about Somerset Live and their coverage of, their announcement of Jodie Whittaker becoming the new doctor. As a doctor. So, with its Somerset slant. Yes. This is James from Somerset Live. Hi, Frank, Emily and Steve, not Alan.

I am the weekend editor of Somerset Live. Oh, Frank. I am the weekend editor of Somerset Live Oh Frank and my ears certainly pricked up with your mention of our site and how we announced Jodie Whittaker as a new doctor I'm now working on a new story about a chart-topping comedian revealing the ingenious

way we announced how Broadchurch's Jodie beat Somerset's star to the top job in the TARDIS. I'll send you a link when it's live. Kind regards, James Brinsford. Well, thank you for that, Jack. That's great. I wish I could offer you some link

between me and Somerset. I've been to Somerset, if that counts. David Bale's partner's from there, I believe. Oh, no, she's not, is she? And I think I playfully described it as Zommerzett which I think is what you're supposed to do if you're a local

quite a few of the readers this morning are pointing to a story in Somerset about a missing wedding ring being dug up and found on a carrot which I think has been a theme of this show before there's a new one and that took place in Somerset found

oh that was a Somerset card that must have owled the took place in Somerset. Oh, that was a Somerset one this week. That must have owled the front page of Somerset Live. I'm surprised they've had a moment to get in touch with us today. Yeah, ring on carrot. I mean, wow. Ring on carrot. I love that Hanna-Pop era film.

It was a follow-up to Sword in the Stone. Less popular, I think it's fair to say. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall who's with us today

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio Email the show via the Absolute Radio website Look I'm not well so if I sound

a bit sluggish it's not that I'm not interested Inside I'm bursting with enthusiasm. I just can't get it to hit my tongue. OK, love. I'm working at it.

We've heard from the outside world, Frank. Sen has emailed saying, Dear Frank, I was in the Absolute Radio library browsing through back issues when I read the chapter in which Frank mentioned that he always imagined Jedward doing leapfrogs. Oh, yeah. Though you didn't know why.

Sen says, I think I have the answer. Jedward had a silhouette remarkably similar to that of the imps that appeared in Rupert the Bear. Playful imps were often shown leapfrogging. OK. Oh, wow. So that's it. I hope it's that. Do you know, when you said the Absolute Radio Library,

for a moment, and this is probably a sign of my age, I genuinely thought it was something like the Bodleian. I thought there was a purple library. It's a very elegant imagery that Sen has created. It's lovely. Yeah, I'd like to visit that building. I must imagine high stats. Imagine the OC memorial section.

I mean, that would be a special thing to see. Silence in this section. The Men Commandments, which is the book that he brought out. Fantastic. Can I say we're also getting a lot of love this morning for Frank's Q&A that he did this week. I mean, I know we're a Somerset Live station now. Yeah.

But Frank was in ES magazine, which comes with the Evening Standard, and he did the My London Q&A. My London. Yes. I'd just like to read you one of his answers. I can't say my London without thinking yes my London well can I say when I worked in another life at ES magazine

I was told what was your official job title you know very well what it was it was editor at large the other one was in prison I think it was what first attracted Frank to me as a friend. I love editing at large. It's so marvellous.

Anyway. I imagine a big police search going on for the editor at large. Did you object to the word large being used? We've got an editor at medium at best. No, it was fine. I mean, I barely ate back then. It was pretty obvious to everyone. So, someone has actually gone as far as to send

a screen grab so much do they like one of frank's answers which i'm gonna i'm afraid i'm gonna share with you i have to best thing a cabbie has ever said to you a latvian woman as she drove me down regent street asked why young men were queuing outside night town i explained it was because some new trainers had arrived she said nothing for about a minute and then with great seriousness I have queued for cheese I remember it was on my way here so I was told at the time

this is the best Q&A that's ever been done and now it's been surpassed by Frank, I recommend you check it out is this the Q&A do you also mention having a fruit fly infestation yes he does I've also had a fruit fly infestation? Yes, he does. I've also had a fruit fly infestation, so I felt your pain when I read that.

It must be a thing. Guys, we need to remember Somerset Live, so I don't want to talk about this too much. No. Okay? No, you're quite right. I feel that's our new allegiance. It really is.

I'm just not very up. If I had to do a thing called My Somerset, it would be scratchy at best. Okay, put you on the spot now. What would you say about Somerset? I'd say, can you just have a big picture of me wearing a smock with an agricultural smock and leave it at that? Could we argue that Somerset House is technically part of Somerset?

I don't think it is. Frank, someone's invited me of a tour of Hales Owen. Does that sound good? Nice move. Yeah. What's Hales Owen? Hales Owen is where I used to teach when I was at a college of F8, Hales Owen College.

Oh, OK. Very nice, Hales Owen. OK. Central Reservation, maybe? So you were? Yeah, I don't think I was drinking in that state. I spent less time sleeping on

central reservations. Yeah. When I say I slept on central, I don't mean I was part of the Native

American nation. I just got drunk and slept on central reservations. I'm sorry, I'm not suggesting it's a good thing, children.

I hope someone's just tuned in. Yeah. It's Q&A to a good doctor. I'm saying it's a bad thing. It's a bad thing. It is a bad thing. Yeah. Okay.

How do we get out of this link now on a high note? It's tricky, isn't it? What are we going to do? Somerset Live help us. Yeah. Yeah. What we going to do Somerset Live help us yeah what do you know about Somerset Steve

I don't I know almost Ian Botham I think did he play for Somerset he did so did Vivian Richards and I think

Joel Garner too in fact immediately that's fantastic already yeah I don't know if this is the way out of this thing.

Yeah, through 70s cricket. Yeah, let's try 70s cricket as a sort of safe. Would it be 70s or 80s? I'd go 80s. Yeah, because Ian Botham's autobiography called Fank. Don't Tell Kath.

Was out then, and that was always a title you could use. Does he still do his walks? Yeah, he loves his walks. I don't know if he still does. That's a brilliant Whatever Happened To. Whatever Happened To. Ian Botham's walks.

If anyone's seen him go past their house, I think he was ill. He sounded rough. Seen him? Yeah. I imagine there was he sounded rough I've seen him yeah I imagine there's no one with him

it's just him walking in a in a mack in a raincoat the posse's got smaller and smaller oh no they've had to

give him a fit bit to establish that anything has taken place absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner

on absolute radio Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Now I'm aware I've had some kind of sympathetic looks from both of you upon arrival this morning No more than normal Fair enough, indeed I have had the worst haircut I don't give anyone with a suit jacket and blue jeans and trainers Goodness me.

I always think they've got to be working in comedy clubs somewhere or other. It's got that look to it. Excellent. Well, that's good. There's a sartorial intervention. I had a similar look last week. I had a bit of a suit jacket and jeans look, which I always think makes me look like Lady Descending Into the Pit in Mock the Week.

Oh, okay. That's the look I was going for. I always think... Saying, is it? Okay. I think Steve always looks like he could be in Jules Holland's band. Oh, boogie woogie. Yeah, a bit of boogie woogie.

I think I'm flattered by that. It could be a lot worse, love. Yeah, I've heard a lot worse. I had the most disastrous haircut of my life this week. Oh, no. It's all right, Steve. Well, that's very kind of you. Yeah.

I bumped into a hairdresser I haven't visited in two years. Do you like when Frank said, looks all right, Steve? I went, oh. No, it doesn't look that bad. It's basically, this is the first haircut of a bald man accepting that he's bald, I think. It's the first time it's been shaved properly.

OK, so have you been doing, you've been a bit Michael Keaton in the past. Yeah, shaved. You've left it a bit frizzy in the front. That's always a mistake. That just makes people anxious. Yeah, yeah. It's not as extreme as Bobby Charlton,

but it's in the same ballpark. Ballpark. Yeah. I think it looks... I think of you as balding. Yes, yeah. And I'm at ease with that. Basically, it's the first time he ever shaved the middle of it.

Hair balding. I didn't... She's good. Very nice. Oh, she's good. So did you have a sort of Maldives at all at the front before? Yeah, pretty much.

It was sort of the last outpost. Before it all went south. But I just he guilt tripped me. I bumped into him in the street and he went, why can't I never see you anymore? And I panicked. And rather than saying, all is vanity and I've been going to Tony and Guy

I just lied. Have you been going to Tony and Guy? In the self delusion. How much does that cost? It's about 50 quid. 50 quid? It's insanity, the self delusion of a bald man sort of going, maybe if I throw some money at this problem, I can still be people. I think your hair looks lovely Steve.

The people were so cool when I went to Tony and Guy. I think your hair in the walls looks lovely, Steve. The people were so cool when I went to Tony and Guy. They could hardly move. I mean, they... Oh, man, they were so... What was it, piercings? That one? No, just, you know, that sort of... I haven't made an effort

at all, but I've made a real effort not to make an effort. Okay. Right, yeah. But they were moving like the tin man in The Wizard of Oz because they were so self conscious so many mirrors in there I thought I'm never going

don't get me wrong I'm sure it's a lovely place and I had exactly the same haircut I have in Mr Topper for nine quid but I'm surprised you went to Tony and Guy. T and G. Just purely, I think, a sort of

panacea, thinking it would be alright. But I lied to him. I lied to Jimmy, the wonderful barber. Rather than saying I've been going to Tony and Guy, I panicked. I went, my mate works in Telly and I get his make-up lady to do it. Oh, that's a proper fall line. And he saw through it straight away.

It's so obviously nonsensical. And also, it's just the practicalities of it. What, the make-up lady? What, she getting out of it? Does she come to the home? I mean, that's going through his head. And you're on air 52 weeks a year, so whenever you need a haircut,

it's so obviously a lie and then when he looked at it he started going oh well you can tell this hasn't been done by someone he's basically going you've had cowboys in

because you said this is all uneven and I was thinking that's probably my skull rather than the haircut now I feel outraged on behalf of the imaginary makeup artist

she didn't know Kate she's probably alone I feel a bit bad for Tony I've been charging 50 quid and he's finding all sorts of faults in it. Oh, dear. But he shaved it and I wasn't ready for the fact that he was going to shave it

and so that was the moment where I was like, oh, it's all gone. He's got menstrual. When I went into Tony and Guy, I thought they felt that it's like a virus in the machine that somebody uncool had come in for. Do you know what I like? How far we've come. The two gentlemen are talking about their hairdresser visits. I enjoy that. My one visit to the NG.

So I actually think it looks lovely. Oh, well, bless your heart. It's odd because no member of my family went bald until they were 70 and my wife saw it and went, well, you look great for 70. Okay, keep it light about your family baldness. My mum says I look like David Baddiel, but David is not bald,

so I don't understand that. David's got a lot of hair. Yeah. As my dad said, I look like a cathedral gargoyle. That's not so nice. Do you want my therapist's number? She's really good. She goes back into family stuff a lot.

Where else do you get gargoyles? That's a very good point. Well, I used to Where else do you get gargoyles? That's a very good point. Well, I used to live in a house with gargoyles. Did you really? Yeah. That's it. I have nothing more to say on that. Mock Gothic.

Lovely it was. Nice. And they came with the house? Yeah. Did you add them? No. How dare you? My family weren't that weird looking.

This was just a Doctor Who actors coming around. Did water come out of their mouths? No. Oh, so they were... They were wooden, yeah. Oh, they were wooden? Mm, mm, carved. I'll show you some pictures.

That's amazing, eh? Yeah, I'll show you the pictures. How many? About six. With the extended medieval tongue. That's the one I like. Do I look like any of them? Only about one of them.

I'll take that. Yeah. They haven't caught on in the modern housing. I'd like a really modern building just with goggles on. Like some flats. Just goggles on. What if there's a meeting at Barrett House and somebody says

you know what I was thinking you know the drain pipe thing we're not really doing anything with it what about

gargoyles glass and chrome gargoyles he'd have a little presentation called

gargoyles allowed when he talked about his new plan and you could have them

modelled on members of your family. Yeah, that's fantastic. Yeah, they could have the kids. Do you know, as my adopted family, I'd choose you, Frank. Oh, thank you. I'd be happy to have my mouth watering over your house. OK, go to music. What?

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Now, I wanted to talk about Rod Stewart. Yeah. Have you seen Rod Stewart is having a big old auction? Yes.

You can own some of Rod Stewart's property. Yes. I sort of love Rod Stewart. He's kind of really comes across like a good bloke, like a decent human being. And so he's auctioning off about 40 grams worth of furniture. And he's referring to, he's having a good old-fashioned clear-out. Yeah.

Fans of the singer can own items like a leopard print armchair or a figure of a banjo player. Yeah, some of those are a bit... He's... I mean, it is... It might be the worst furniture I've ever seen in my life. There is that.

Oh, no. I really like it. Oh, you don't. I do. I really like it. Now, we need to... I mean, I have to tell you why. I genuinely like that.

Okay. Okay, the Baroque guilt. There's a one figure or figurine. I believe it's cherubs climbing up a pineapple. Yes, exactly. I was a lot of that. J'adore. I wouldn't say it was...

Do you remember the advert, chuck out the chintz? Yeah. Rod obviously did not do that. Yeah, but at least he's not fly tipping. You know when people just leave their stuff outside their house? Come and leave a note.

Come and take it. No thanks. Yeah, but if he left that somewhere, I think people would say, I bet Rod's left that. And he lives on like a 40-acre estate. You even get into the road. It's quite a trek.

Hey, guys, that's a good one. Whatever happened to litterbugs? Don't really get that anymore, do you, litterbugs? Well, or roadhogs. I love it, Frank. I honestly think if he was to give me a list of the worst furniture, you know, different types of bathroom, that kind of gill, over-elaborate, oh, it's awful.

I absolutely love it. In his old place, I love that he had a football pitch on his old house and I love the simplicity of that whereas some of this stuff is quite ornate what don't you like we haven't seen a football pitch

it's probably a chair of climbing up a gold gold post yeah yeah what don't you like about the Louis Cairns

faux Louis Cairns it's Louis Cairns reproduction we should say I mean I presume I just don't like that not a fan of Baroque Faux Louis Kahn. It's Louis Kahn's reproduction, we should say. I mean, I presume. I just don't like that. Not a fan of Baroque.

Well, what would you do if you bought... If I was about to move into the palace of Versailles... Good luck, everyone. I might get some. I just think... I once looked at a house. I was looking at houses to buy and um this one had got um gold flamingos as taps and the water come out the uh at the mouth and uh i thought bling bling bling I thought, even if I had these removed,

I'd always blame the house that they were there in the first place. But, Frank, I like a rock star who lives like a rock star. I don't want a rock star to have, you know, mole's breath, tasteful grey kitchen. I'm not into that. I want tantrums and tiaras and cherubs climbing up pineapples do you own any rock and roll memorabilia? no

I don't really collect things like that if I'm honest with you Frank's got a few bits and bobs I mean I don't know how yeah you've got Elvis' shirt for heaven's sake well no I gave that to the tsunami fund oh that's so kind of you Frank that's me.

Big-hearted Arthur, they call me. I don't really have stuff like that, Steve. I feel like... Bigoted, actually. I feel like Steve might have rock and roll memorabilia, which is why he asked me. No, I've got... An old girlfriend gave me one of Shed's... An old girlfriend does not qualify for rock and roll memor I've got an old girlfriend gave me one of Shed's

An old girlfriend does not qualify for a drum memorabilia. No. She gave me one of Shed's the drummer from Shed 7, one of his drumsticks Alan Leach and then when she dumped me she took it back. Oh really? Alan Leach's drumstick. You don't even have it anymore. I don't even have it anymore. Stinging the tail, stinging the Shed 7 tail.

Oh yeah, imagine losing her and that. I don't know how you got through that, mate. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Did you have any other rock and roll memory? Because the Elvis show was quite famous because there was the TV show about it. Have you picked up any other bits and bobs over the years?

I mean, I've got signed picture type things. Have I got any actual memorabilia? Were you ever a set list collector after gigs? Oh, I have got a full set list. Oh, brilliant. That's great. Yeah.

There used to be a big thing, a big race for the full set list, but a bloke actually got one and then gave me the set list. Oh, that's lovely. That's really nice. Ah, yes. I'll tell you what, when I looked at Rod's furniture and how terrible it was, it's funny. Can we stop saying we all agree that?

I happen to like that furniture, OK? For years. And I used to be quite a big fan of Rod in his early manifestations. What's your favourite Rod Stewart song, Frank? Well, one of them would be Los Paraguayas. Remember that? No, I don't know that one. I'm more of a sort of obvious Maggie Mae fan.

Maybe I'd tell you but I think I'm catching a cold. Right. Next line. Strange owner. And the next I think I'm catching a cold. Right. Next line. Strange owner. And the next line. A bit of a downer. The next line I never understood until I saw these pictures this week.

Put another chair on the fire, bring a bottle over here. And I thought, why would you put a chair on the fire? Now I've seen his chairs. Yeah, do put another chair on the fire, which is've seen his chair. Yeah, do put another chair on the fire, which is probably

where hot legs came from as well. I'd never before, his cover of cigarettes and alcohol is absolutely fantastic. Yeah, he's really... I'm not sure of Rod's

financial situation. I don't wish to pry, but it is quite unusual for a celebrity to flog their hand-me-down furniture so publicly, would you say? Yeah. Really? And I will say, at this point, Britt Eklund used to describe him as, I think she'd say he was so tight it caused him pain to go to the bathroom.

And I believe it was Ronnie Wood who said he was as tight as two coats of paint yeah lovely i enjoyed that i heard the freight someone used three he's so selfish he'd peel an orange in his pocket yes well one minute you're praising rod i'm not saying that you're not saying that over i'm praising him i'm just saying i love that student. No, I'm praising him. I'm just saying, I love that furniture. Keep that furniture. No need to flog it. Why are you flogging it? Why is he flogging it?

Because, you know, I'm just saying he likes his money. I think he could turn it into an episode of Cash in the Attic. Yeah. Put him on that. You know those people who go into a coma and when they come out of it, they talk Chinese? Do you know those people? I never believe them. I wonder if Rod just woke up with taste

one morning and went, what's, get these chairs out of here immediately and that's what's happened. He's kicked the whole lot out. I love that a spokesman said it's all very rock and roll. Like a furniture sale. And it isn't. The only way it's rock and roll, if you

throw all of those things out of the window, that's the only way to make that rock and roll. If it said barock and roll. Excellent. Yeah, very good. They didn't have the right headline for it, Frank, sorry. It was, they had something like, do you think I'm thrifty?

And I thought you could have gone for, I am sailing. It's there. Staring you in the face. Exactly. And for a sail, the first cuts are the deepest. Oh, no, I was taking it too far there. I got too far with the discounts. Sorry, he wouldn't discount anything.

No. The premise is wrong. Yes, you're quite right. But I did like, when I was reading it, the ad next to it, this story was how looking to build wealth after 60 which I thought was great, targeted ads

Do you remember, it was part of a phenomenon that we used to be known as carbon dating in which people always went out with people that looked the same, like carbon copies of their previous style and he went out with people that looked the same, like carbon copies of their previous style.

Yeah, yeah. And he went out with about six tall blonde women. Yeah. All the same. All looked the same. And my theory was, at the time you may remember, he just didn't want to change the girlfriend avatar on his Wii. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I'm so sorry. I was about to say, we've had a correctione.

Yeah. But I take issue with this correctione. Okay. Because I think you were correct. I will share it with you. Sorry, Frank, but what you are referring to, and this is to go back

to an Aretha Franklin story you told at the beginning of the show, Yeah. is a lanyard, not a laminate. And blah, blah, blah, they go on. The Absolute Radio website says we are joined by Helen Cochran today. So two correctionalists.

However, I would take issue with that because I would say the card itself is laminated on the lanyard. Yeah. OK? You call it a laminate. Yes. That's what they call it, and it's on a lanyard. Yeah.

So what was actually secreted in the bloke's pocket was a laminate. Secreted. OK, clear that up. Thanks for joining in. Yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Robin has tweeted the show to say...

Robin has tweeted? Is this a bit like Blackbird has spoken like the first bird. That was 933, by the way. Credit where it's due. Oh, yeah. Robin says, No, but isn't that... There's more to that, isn't there? So he'd be last in the pub to pay for the first round?

Yeah, that's the idea. So that when they bought the first round, he bent down pretending he was trying to... So that he pretends he's otherwise engaged. Did you think that was an old Cockney saying? I thought it was just a phrase, yeah. It's like a two- of paint, Ronnie Wood. I didn't realise that he used to work

in Highgate Cemetery as a young man. Because of his Scottish connection, I thought he was born in Scotland. I didn't realise he was a North London boy. Well, he's down. He's buried in Highgate Cemetery. Oh, is he? And there's a...

He's got a massive headstone thing. And it says, Thanks for the Scottish pride, Dad. Oh, how lovely. And we don't say how lovely on this show, Steve. What should I have said in response to that uplifting thing? You should have said, no. Okay, I'll remember that. I'll do that.

You sound like, but you know what, that reminds me of when the... You sound like you'd be happy on one of his chairs. I like remember that. I'll do that. You sound like, but you know what, that reminds me of when the... You sound like you'd be happy on one of his chairs. I happen to like those chairs. What about the man when I was shoving around Highgate Cemetery and said,

yeah, we get a lot of celebrities here. Oh. Yeah. George Michael's mother. Oh. Oh. So really the parents of... Christina Rossetti.

Mainly the parents of celebrities. Mainly the parents, yeah. In fact, in your Q&A you mentioned the other the one where Hugh Gateskill and Peter Cook which is not Highgate

is it that's in Hampstead no that's in Hampstead yeah that's a beautiful one John Constable's just over the road in another one oh is he

oh enough about graves yeah exactly I love a celebrity grave graves this graves that celebrity graves that could Celebrity graves. That could be the new feature on the show. People saying, oh yeah, I saw her.

Okay, maybe not. What's your favourite celebrity grave? Mine? Litvinenko. Lovely grave. Where is that one? Highgate Cemetery. Oh, okay.

Okay. I went to that one in... It's all safe, can I just say now? Yeah. It's okay. I went to that one in Paris where's all safe, can I just say now? Yeah. It's okay. I went to that one in Paris where... Oh, the Père Lachaise. Père Lachaise, yeah.

Where Oscar Wilde is all covered in lipstick kisses. Do you know that? Sorry about that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I love a bit of that. I saw... Anyway, let's not go any further into the graves thing.

How are we going to get out, Frank? How are we going to get out of the graves? Let us not... Let us not forget my trip to Colonel Sanders.

I've never seen that, Steve. Was it... Is it okay to have your photo taken with your arm around the headstone? That's the moral question. Frank? Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. It's such a struggle. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website 867 got in touch We were talking about celebrity memorabilia earlier specifically rock and roll memorabilia We have a photo of John Lennon in a swimming pool at a hotel in Barbados

holding up a sign with no swimming on it For years my father said he took the photo, but confessed recently he stole it off the hotel notice board. Oh. Oh, gone off your dad. I wonder what brought about that confession after all these years. Oh, dear.

I kept a light ale bottle that Ray Davis passed me from the stage at Birmingham Town Hall. It wasn't signed or anything, I just kept the light ale bottle, but I moved out a bit and it disappeared. It might have come in useful for you, darling. Now I think he goes to my partner's gym. Strange love rival.

She says you should come in and just, you know, bump into him. I can't do that. I don't know, Ray Davis is going to be doing his stretches. It would just seem wrong. Ray Davis is the lead man with the kinks, in case you're... Oh, but Frank, lovely to have a nice 61-year-old groupie. Who likes that?

I told you when Orlando Bloom... Did I tell you about that? Oh, yeah, he's at the gym as well. He's at the gym. Yeah. Or he was, only if he's now. And he used to be on the machine. Did I tell you this on the show?

I can't remember, but go on. And he had a woman who would be doing lines with him, so she'd be standing there with a script and he'd be doing lines while he was on the... You've got to have tremendous self-confidence. I mean, that's what it takes. Yeah. Drop and give me a soliloquy. and he'd be doing lines while he was on the... You've got to have tremendous self-confidence to do that. I mean, that's what it takes. Yeah.

Drop and give me a soliloquy. Yeah. But I don't think I could do that myself. But respect that he can do that. Oh, respect. I need to share something with you. I'm struggling with audiences, which, I mean, I know you do. Yeah, I can relate to that okay well steve empty hall i'm

surprised you brought that up i mean whilst i'm sitting as an audience member so i'm struggling with fellow audience members people can't do it anymore it's it's an art that's been lost it's like crofting it is people can't they just can't their people can't sit and concentrate on anything for a while I think you might be right And as someone who I mean I'd almost put myself in the bracket of elderly these days Oh come on I've got

It was the right thing to say I've got used to having to sit still For long periods of time So I've had this three times recently I had it at Ian McKellen's Lear. Oh, yes. I had it at Simon Callow's Wild. Okay.

Thanks for the tip. Yeah. And I had it even recently at a rather more modern affair at a film premiere of the festival. I don't know if you've heard about it. Anyway, it's out at the moment, but I went to the premiere this week. And I took my niece. And, in fact, your old runner is the person behind it. Yes. Can you recall?

She's a runner, in case you don't know. Ian Morris. Ian Morris, who works on TV things and stuff and makes the tea. I sent him for rowing chips once and he went, okay, I'm right up, I'm right up, go and get it. He'd obviously never heard of row. This was on Fantasy Football League. I think

it was. Yeah, no, fine, I'll... He hasn't taught like that. He went on to create... Creator of the Inbetween, is he? Yes. Yeah, so he went off to get rowing chips. This is how he started. Because the thing was, and this is why he did well in television, is that he didn't say, what is he? Yes. So he went off to get Roe and Chips. Because the thing was, and this is why he did well in television,

is that he didn't say what is Roe, he just went off, he went Roe. So he came back with Roe and Chips, he got it, but he bought

seven, there was seven Roe with the chips, he didn't know how many people had. Which is like getting seven fishes, basically.

Wow. Fishes, seven fishes basically. Wow. How extraordinary. Seven fishes, seven fish. What's the right... Can I ask a question? The right plural for that. Loaves and fishes. Fine. Can I raise a practical question at this point? Sure. What is roe? You don't know either.

No. Roe, it's cod roe and it's it comes battered in fish and chip shops it's like a disc a disc of fish eggs oh how lovely

because caviar is roe oh yeah I know that so maybe I could try that with my savoy have you had your savoy yet no no I knew that was all talk anyway we've got to go to the break in a minute so I can't Have you had your safflower yet? No. No, I knew that was all talk.

Anyway, we've got to go to the break in a minute, so I don't know what to do, because I've not finished my story. What were the audience doing? We can carry on after the break. There's now Laura Guinea. Okay, fine. Okay, I've said it again.

What about it? I might say ain't later. Please don't. Yeah, I'm going to do that, and there ain't later. Please don't. Yeah, I'm going to do that, and there ain't a thing you can do about it. Oh! Very nice. Yeah.

I only ever hear that on trains. People on the phone, the blokes in suits. I said to him, they can say 11K if they like, but I'm not going there, and there ain't a goddamn thing they can do about it. They say goddamn sometimes. I mean, come on, guys.

You can't tell them. It's out of order. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. You left us hanging, Em. What did this audience at the festival do? So at the festival... Festival is a new radio. You left us hanging, Em. What did this audience at the festival do? So at the festival... Festival is a new film. Yeah.

And it's great fun. I'm enjoying the movie. However, however, I didn't like the people sitting nearby me. Now, I'm a premier. I'm at a premier. I think there's a basic entry-level standard of behaviour. You've become a prime minister now. Imagine if that's how I announced it's a basic entry level standard of behaviour imagine if that's how I announced it

so basically there's a man next to me and he was laughing whilst moving and I don't like that he was laughing loudly which I know you two as comics will be a huge sort of fan but don't do this in your chair. I mean, I appreciate I'm on the radio, you can't see.

But just to... Sort of Edward Heath style. Yeah. He was a sort of extrovert tumble dryer. Just sit still and laugh. It was too much. That's strict. Okay, what about this one? You think, okay, okay. I will listen to you both. Okay. What about the woman behind me

who adopted a sort of Nostradamus approach to the film, saying what was going to happen and then describing it whilst it was happening? So she would say things like, oh, my God, he's going to get her there, and she won't even be there. Oh, so she... She was telling me.

Polly Krause, he used to do that. He's going to come back in the tent and she's going to find him. Polly Krause was a woman. I think my dad knew her. Anyway, she used to go to the cinema and sit and go, oh, he's not going to go in there now. Oh, no, this won't end well. Oh, we're not going in there.

And did a lot of that. At one point she went, oh, look, he's angry. I don't need you to tell me that. So that sort of slightly, it just took 10% off the evening. And don't get me started on Ian McKellen and the woman next to me who during King Lear started getting out lavender oil and rubbing it all over her elbows. Her elbows?

Does nobody nudge these people when they do it? Yes, I do. I kick them sometimes. You don't want to be nudged back by somebody with lavender eye lids. That's a good point. I'm sweating like a pensioner. I've gone, I'm sweating like a pensioner before now.

Frank, there's just a lot of movement, I find. Do you find this with audience? I think, as they say, being an audience is a completely lost art. I think it's too much sitting at home watching Netflix and talking and moving about and getting a cup of tea and all that. And also people in the age of the smartphone, people can't resist looking at emails. They've got their Apple Watches.

Well, what are we going to do? I went the other way, I saw the festival yesterday and I found the solution I saw it on my own, there was nobody else in the cinema, it's a good film I don't want to decry it's box office it's a really fun film but it's quite weird and then there's that

suspense where you're really hoping no one else comes in at the last minute I've found that what I've done is I've just Weird. And then there's the suspense where you're really hoping no one else comes in at the last minute. I've found that what I've done is I've just learned to accept that there will be other noise and people checking things. Otherwise it'll drive you crazy. Okay, well, I'm afraid I'm not able to do that. That's life. That's what the people say.

Frank, just do the straight melody. That's life. Frank. So, OK, so you've gone all zen now. I've just got to get people on the phone and all sorts of stuff in cinemas. You've seen people on the phone? Yeah. Getting their phones out?

Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, yeah, we had it when we went to Skyfall, Frank. Not Skyfall, the other one. We went to the Bond together, didn't we? Which one did we go to, then? I don't know, but I remember there was a scene and there was a woman saying, we've got that sofa.

Don't you remember when there was a big shootout? The woman on my left said, we've got that sofa. To be fair, it was Dame Judy, then. I went to, I think it must have been Skyfall. I always remember this. It's the one with the Sam Smith music. Writing's on the wall. That could be anything.

I don't know. So, you know that thing when you leave, I don't know if women get this, but do you get this, Steve? You leave a cinema, and if it's someone like James Bond, you move a bit differently, a bit like James Bond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just feel a bit more like you're a bit of spice. I still get it now in my 60s.

I remember I got back to my car, and I was really glad that I'd got a thing that I could press the button and the car would open like I was in the gadget world. I remember I just leaned across, and the way I leaned across was a bit Daniel Craig-ish. I held it in a sort of a pin. I bet it wasn't. Well, inside me it was.

It felt Daniel Craig. So I did it, and you know when you do that, the doors open, the lights come on and I just saw the light come on on the child's seat in the back. Maybe not. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio.

So Emily, we were talking about you being annoyed by the noise of audiences in cinemas and theatres. There's a story from Slovakia this week of a woman who has driven her neighbors crazy for 16 years by playing the same four minute aria over and over again at full volume playing a bit of la traviata performed by placido domingo to drown out the barking of a neighbour's dog. Yeah. And she did it every day from 6am to 10pm.

Even though, can we say she continued after the dog had passed away? Yeah. Okay. Could have gone... And then she's now finally been arrested. Yeah. So someone snapped 15 years was fine,

but 16 is the absolute limit. What happened to years one through 15? Do you think it's actually about 10 times a day for about six months? Well, this is what I think. I see. I mean, you know. Yes, they've been very patient, the neighbours.

Yeah, yeah. So she never leaves the house, apparently, this woman. When you say this woman, do you mean Eva N? Yes, Eva N. Why is that? Is that a sort of Eastern European thing that you have this woman, do you mean Eva N? Yes, Eva N. Why is that? Is that a sort of Eastern European thing that you have an initial for a surname like Joseph K? Is that right?

Yeah, she's called Eva N. Oh. Yeah, I like it. Is that for privacy reasons, do we think? Oh, fine. Suddenly she goes about privacy, keeping it low. It's like LL Cool. Eva N. she could face

three years in jail the jury have retired to consider their verdict bad news for the other prisoners yeah it's not even

you know La Traviata the big one is da da da da it's not even that no I mean she's gone for like a

lesser yeah I've got a memory of, I think on Fantasy Football, you and David, you did the drinkings on the da-da-da, da-da-da. There's definitely, I've seen a thing of you two rewriting that for like World Cup 94 or something like that. Oh, okay. Where you're going, what is this?

What is this? What is this? What is this? Are you thinking of the nightmare before Christmas? Quite possibly. What's this? I don't know what you thinking of the nightmare before Christmas? Quite possibly. What's this? I don't know what you're talking about Steve but it's lovely that you remember the show at all.

I get my alerts from kafkadesk.org I don't know about you, that's where I get my news alerts. Is that like Somerset Live? Yes, it's my version of Somerset Live. But they were saying that... Is that where the news story comes from, Kafka?

KafkaDesk.org. That's why they only use their initials. It's the Kafka technique. Yeah, and it's written by men just wearing, just in suits and bowler hats. Yeah, and you never quite know what their job is. They don't really speak to you. You're somewhere trapped in their bureaucracy.

They said it was, and I trust them, obviously. I'm frightened not to. But they said it went on from 6am to 10pm. Every day? Yeah. The same song? That's... So, I mean, you could probably do the math on this

if it's four minutes long. You do the math. I love people that say that. It really makes me fancy them. So, 10... 10 o'clock to... 6am to 10pm, darling. So how many hours is that? Steve, what sort of thing do you know?

16 hours. 16 hours. So 16 hours, four-minute tracks, you play it 15 times. Yeah. So 16 times 15, that's how many times. Come on, Steve. Goodness me. Come on, though.

16 times 15. Well, you don't know it. Come on, Steve. Goodness me. Come on, though. 16 times 15. Well, you don't know it. I know, but I'm not. Do I look like a maths type? Well, guess what? I do know it, and it's 240. No, that's wrong. Anyway, she plays.

I think it is 240. No, it is, Steve. It is. Whatever it is. It's 240. I've done it on calculator. I have to say, she's completely spitting in the face of absolute no-repeat guarantee.

Never has it been flouted more completely than by her. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing Eva N and her taunting her neighbours for 16 years. Is there a song, Frank or Emily, you could listen to if you had to choose a song that you were going to be forced to listen to for 16 years? Well, I'd go for something with a narrative because I would find that more interesting.

I don't just want Ooh Baby for 16 years. I would want something like jolene because then with the more i hear it the more layered the more i might it's like reading a novel isn't it do you see you you're looking a bit skeptical you're grimacing well i i have in re since i've had a child i've i know what it is to learn listen to the same piece of music I know what it is to listen to the same piece of music over and over. Oh, yeah. I don't know if there's... Even songs I love, I think I could drive myself to despising them.

OK. It's a dangerous piece. I lived next door to a man when I lived in bedsits in Birmingham. Sorry about this section, a bit depressing. A man who only had two records, and he used to play Blue Mondays. Doon, doon, doon, doon, doon, doon. Blue Monday, yeah. What, A New Order, Blue Monday?

Yeah, and he used to play that and Love Missile F-111. Oh, Zig Zig Sputnik. Yeah. Yeah. And he just used to interchange those. Not, but I mean for hours, he would do that for hours. Okay. And they're that for hours. Okay. And they're both great tracks,

but after a while. Do you think people felt this a bit about it's coming home throughout the summer? That's possible. I mean, I've got to be honest,

I never felt that. Well, Buzz, for example, just lately, my child Buzz, is very, very much

into the final countdown. He sung it to me the other day oh did he he loves the opening bars yeah and he gets very ready

he gets prepared for it like he's on stage so I think at the moment he's mad about the final countdown and Eye of the Tiger so I think

I think the theme it's a sort of a very specific riff rock yeah yeah triumphant as well 80s hair bands so I tried him on I think there's a theme, and it's a sort of a very specific riff rock. Yeah, yeah. Triumphant as well.

80s hair bands. So I tried him on a few, what I thought, one of the classic riff rock music. I thought, you know, Layla. Great idea. So I played Layla. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

But over to you, I went for lunch with Eric Clapton. Oh, yeah. What did he say again? I came back from the toilet with me going, diddle-a-ddle-a-ddle-a. I just hadn't thought about it. Did he say anything?

He said, don't do that. Anyway, so I played him Layla, and he said, I like it. And I said, but you don't love it. He said, I wouldn't kiss the man who wrote it. The whole fabulous place of music criticism. Enemy? Yeah.

Yeah, sort of Lester Bang's quote or something. I wouldn't kiss the man who wrote it. Oh, I love that. I'm going to use that. I love it. We were discussing what song if you had to listen to a song every day Two things I've gone off quite a lot What? Coffee and TV

Have you? If they both disappeared I think I might be alright That's not quite true I've gone off curling up on the sofa with a red wine, which is what people always say on the dating. In a onesie. I've gone off curling up. What were those other things?

Slankets. Oh, I love a slanky. I loved a slanky. Gone. Onesies, they were massive, weren't they, at one point? Can we do whatever happened to, Frank, for the onesies? Whatever happened to the onesies, I think. I'm sure they still exist,

but they don't have the kind of profile they used to have. The onesie show could be a... I think they were a by-product of the national obesity crisis. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We were talking about if you had to listen to a song repeatedly for 16 years. Oh, yeah. And I was thinking what I'd go for. And I like the idea of an instrumental.

If you had to listen to something, an instrumental would suit me. I think Chariots of Fire would be... Pangalus. If you had to have it on repeat, because you'd get stuff done. You'd get everything done in slow motion. But it would give your life a kind of epic feel. So even just doing the washing up, you'd sort of feel inspired.

I used to. There's a couple of songs I used to play before I went on stage. One was If Women Like Them Like Men Like Those, Why Don't Women Like Me by George Formby, just because it makes me feel incredibly happy for some reason. I understand that. And also Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. Yeah, great.

Something about the Mexican trumpet. Elvis' Better Land. What's it called again, Frank? Yeah. Is it called Better Land? You know what I mean? Do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh, no, no.

What's it called again? If I Can Dream. Yeah, If I Can Dream. There must be light it's burning brighter it's something when I hear the beginning of that

I feel inspired what about an Elvis song that says born in the heat of the desert my mama died giving me life is it depressing

and then it goes on to getting a bit dark on a new way something something my father, blame for the death of his wife.

It opens like that. Keep it light, Elvis. Come on, Elvis. He never kept it light. I wouldn't go for that. I'd go for the Benny Hill theme tune. That'll get stuff done. Not in the current climate.

Oh, yeah. The stuff it would get done that worries me. Yeah. Sitting in parks trying to see up nurses' skirts. Tossing a coin. Is that the way forward? I don't think so. What about when he tossed a coin and it went down the dress and then Julius Caesar came up smiling?

I mean, come on. Oh, it's crass. I mean, he had his moments, Benny. Yakety- sacks no more it's gone that's right is that what it was called yackety sacks

yeah yeah um okay good that you know that that's a fact I think we've got a jingle for that haven't we have we wiki stevia

wiki stevia steve knows stuff. Oh, that's all. Delighted. Absolutely delighted. Right. No, you can't use it in your next day.

And that's about all from us. So we'll be back. Yes, the good Lord's... I can't even remember the ending. I think I've got Legionnaires. I was on... What had happened to Legionnaires? I went on a log fluke. I think I've got Legionnaires. I was on... What happened to Legionnaires? I went on a log flume.

No one goes to that anymore. I was on a log flume on Tuesday. Did you go back to the 70s? I think that's a classic Legionnaires collection point. Anyway, yes, so if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.