The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Escutcheons

Episode Date: April 29, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team revisit Stony Ground, they discuss Tom Hardy's heroics and Frank finally gets some Dynamo magic.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I sound a bit 1920s... You sound alright, but Emily has taken her microphone out and she's holding it like a football pundit My microphone fell off

She's like she's pitch side at the rugby or something You know when you get those 1920s vocalists who use a loud hailer Yes Oh you're driving me crazy I sound like that in my own headset but it doesn't matter as long as you people at home are having a lovely morning

It's not about me. And I've got my microphone. It's back in its case now. Back in its proper place. Tremendous news. I did grab it like Glenn Hoddle grabbing a microphone. Filling. In that memorable moment, Frank, when...

What happened? There was some sort of electrical storm during an England game. Enormous rainstorm in a... It was an England friendly. Adrian Childs, Glenn Hoddle and Ian Wright. Was it Ian Wright? Oh yeah, Wrighty. Was in a small room

somewhere sheltering. And there was a terrible point where Glenn Hoddle started talking and he was holding an imaginary microphone. Glenn Hoddle went air microphone. He just... Glenn Hoddle went, air microphone. Excellent. Which I want, you know, we've all done it,

but not normally during a sports interview. I've done that occasionally at stand-up gigs when there's no mic. Have you? If there's like a tiny crowd and you end up catching yourself doing that, oh, you feel a fool. You do feel bad.

Tiny crowd? No microphone? Yeah, yeah. What's happening? Lower league gigs. You know, the lower league gigs? Am I in some post-apocalyptic? I am.

Well, I once did a dinner at Leicester University staff launch. Oh, I wouldn't knock Alan along in that case. And they, there was, I think in the end, after they'd gone off Christmas shopping, there was nine people round the table. And I said to the bloke, do you still want me to do this? He said, do you want to get paid? I said, I'll do it.

And I said, I still want a microphone. So I stood at a table with literally eight... The furthest away person was six feet away and I still had a microphone. It's just security more than anything else. And also, it can always double as a weapon. Exactly. Fend them off a bit. Yeah, well, that's... it's just security more than anything else and also it can always double as a weapon exactly yeah well that's

I don't know if I remember how we got to that I've just read an email that I think I should bring to your attention Frank I know that since turning 60 you've been offered pieces of advice about what to expect but have you been warned about cardigan whiplash

you're moving from one room to another. Cardigan whiplash? Wasn't she that woman with the red hair that used to be in those adult films in the 1980s? Funbox windows. Oh, she's the sort of person that would be in the Daily Mail now. Cardigan whiplash. With her boyfriend, Taylor Lautner. Anyway, he continues,

I'm assuming it's a he, er, yes it is. You're moving from one room to another and your cardigan pocket catches the door handle and pulls you up sharp. Yes! Unnerving, to say the least. I've never had that. I've had versions of this with different garments.

I have had that so many times. What about... I've had that with a waistcoat. Like a woolen waistcoat. Oh, this is a calling from Top Cat. What else could Top Cat have it with other than a waistcoat? I just did a very frank thing, which was bang the table with laughter when you said that. No, I'm doing myself a disservice with the waistcoat.

It's more, how can I describe it, a sleeveless cardi. Okay, okay. When that catches on the door handle... Was that a pocket as well? I virtually end up on the floor. No, it's an oversized armhole, Frank. Don't ever call me that again. Not on air.

Sorry, my hearing's not what it was. I'm definitely not oversized. I've lost a lot of weight. That's what they were saying to each other, those boxes in the run-up. Oh, but speaking of door handles... Yeah? Now we're on the subject. Yeah.

Whatever happens to you? Excellent. Door handle escutcheons. What happened to them? What's that? What are escutcheons? Escutcheons are... They're plates that used to be next to the door handles,

like decorative plastic plates to stop you getting dirty finger marks on the actual door. Oh! Do you remember that? No. No, I don't know those. You don't remember door handler escutcheons? Yeah, she was in EastEnders.

I was going to say, who is this? Is this something you had in Birmingham growing up? Well, everyone had them. Because you could remove them when they got very... Can I just make that absolutely clear? We did not have those. Okay. What era are we talking?

70s, I would say. All right. I was going to say, if it was an absolute decade, what would it be? It is an absolute decade. I believe the absolute decade stations are based on real decades. They haven't taken like one from 87 to 95 and made that a decade. I maintain that they should be doing

topical material for the decade. They've gone completely route one on the decade piece. They've just followed the, is it the Gregorian calendar or something like that? Yeah, they're big Gregorian calendar people, the absolute lot. They are, that's true. People always say that.

The Sonys, people went on and on to me about it. I mean, it's not, you know, I don't make the rules. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got a little bit of, I believe Elvis used to refer to it as TCB, some business to take care of.

Taking care of business, okay. Yeah. refer to it as tcb some business to take care of business okay yeah we've well how would you describe the tone of some of these communiques oh i don't know which one you're going to read i've been scanning through a few myself some correxiones i'm going to call them oh yeah frank you were talking about finger plates well you call them finger plates i call them escutcheons escutcheons let's call the whole thing off. Let's call the whole thing McCutcheon. Yeah. Escutcheons.

Yeah. Are the round plate that surround the keyhole. Oh. Oh, is that right? Perdantis of Birmingham. I like her. I'm not completely certain that she's correct. Is it a shoe?

Do we call them a shoe? Well, she's called a pedantic, which is a humorous female name. Oh, OK. And a play on the fact that she's being a bit pedantic. OK. She's calling herself what? Pedantic. Oh, I see.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I... Well, I'm holding out for more information on that. Oh, I'm holding out for a hero. I was quite pleased to have the word escutcheons brought into my semantic field. I'm holding out. Now I've got to have it in a holding zone

where I'm not quite sure that it's the right thing that I'm going to be saying it with. And how do you feel about using it again, Al, in conversation? I don't know about you, but I'm lacking... Troubadicious. Well, it can also be used. An escutcheon is also a plait, like an engraved plait on something. Oh, this is call my bluff.

Yes. So, it's a African pipe. It's a hat worn in bad weather. Or it's a small house shared by the elderly. Frank, you're... Well, I mean, I think I've heard this word. or it's a small house shared by the elderly. Frank Muir. Well, I mean, I think I've heard this word. You've done a Frank Muir on the show, yeah? Well, he doesn't get a lot of call for it these days, to be fair.

My Frank Muir. What decade station is that from? That's what I'll be opening my next tour with, my Frank Muir impression. Good luck, everyone. It's called Frank Skinner, Hands to the Escotians. It's going to be the Muir impression. Good luck, everyone. It's called Frank Skinner, Hands to the Escotchons. It's going to be their tour.

Nice. I still think that those plates that they put by door handles to stop you getting fingerprints on the door were called Escotchons. Well, she says they're finger plates. Oh, let's call the whole thing scuffed. Well, on the subject of possibly tetchy correspondence,

but I don't think so. I don't think... If it was a she, we're still... Maybe information-gathering this one rather than tetchiness. I did my Friday night troll. You know, I look at the texts and emails that we receive on Friday night. Yeah, he loves a troll. Here's one. Hi, Frank Skinner.

Why do you end the show with the phrase, bring on the feathers? It means nothing to me. the show with the phrase, bring on the feathers? It means nothing to me. Might I suggest the phrase, this is the end of the show, as more comprehensible and informative sign-off? Sincerely, 751. I love it means nothing to me, Major. It's all gone a bit Vienna.

Well, this is the end of the show. It sounds to me like we're never coming back. True. And also, it does have... Do you know where bring on the Feathers comes from? I should say that Mariah Carey did a New Year's Eve show, I believe in Times Square. Correct.

Which went very, very badly. And at the end, she just said, Oh, bring on the feathers. And they brought on those big feathered fans that women sometimes dance in and out of. So it just feels like that thing where it just gets me off, was the thing. So that's why we use it. So it's Mariah in its origins.

And I'm always happy to... It's sort of like a Mariah Carey version of Start the Car, isn't it? Like the old school comics would say. Is that what they used to say? Yeah, that's what they used to say. I used to like... Milton Berle, if he did a joke that didn't work, would say, now here's another joke you may not care for.

Love it. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. I Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was...

Alan. Go on. Oh, sorry. No. When I was... I was doing that That's Life thing where you go over to them. Alan. And now Jake Thackeray.

Frank. Brother Gary. Oh, I like a Jake Thackeray impression. Good lord. Oh. Give some women the ghost of a chance to talk, and they're a part of it. They'll go on again, on again, on again, on again, on again.

Anyway, stop telling Jack Thacker, Frank. That's my note. I was being driven in this morning. It was a lovely sunny morning. Good for you. It was about ten to seven. And I passed, I think it's some sort of underwear outlet. Oh.

On Regent Street. Oh, I know the one you mean. And it's had a big sign in the window that said Panties Week. Oh, gross. And I thought when these themed weeks and days started, they used to be things like, you know, World AIDS Day. Stuff like that. Feed the world. They were like big, big.

International Women's Day. Now it's Panties. Quite, yeah. And now it's Panties Week. Yeah. And the other thing is, when I was driven in last week... Oh, I was waiting for you to say good for you. Oh, I don't want to spoil you. When I was driven in last week, I went past the same shop and it turns out it was Panties Week last week as well.

Oh! Panties Week every week round here. They're not even properly observing the duration of a week. Oh. No. I just felt I wouldn't shop in that shop. I'd like to go in and say... Guess what?

I'm relieved because you've got no business in that shop. I could get gifts for a loved one. Don't buy gifts from the panty shop for people. Well, if I'm not going to buy her panties in panties, whoever calls them panties anyway outside of adult cinema. Creeps. Yeah, creeps. Anyway, it may or may not be panties week. So if you're

thinking, if you're one of those people who for a while have been thinking, shall I get them panties or put it off? Go this week. You know, I don't know what you get with panties week. Well, I don't think, I think it's very difficult for men in those shops. Well, it is. Because they get dragged around,

and you can't go in on your own as a man into those shops. I think you could, Panties Week. Special dispensation for Panties Week. I think it's like sort of open day. So you're saying you'd go in, and then you'd get a strange look, and you'd go, Panties Week. Yes. And they'd go, oh, oh of course that'll do nicely sir

yes i think it just i think it's you know you wouldn't normally come in but it's hey it's panties week coming off a look around don't be self-conscious they don't stop you going in on your own security no they don't stop you they said bouncers that men look very sheepish obviously because it's it's you know you don't want people to think you're a filthy creep, especially if you are a filthy creep. But anyway. I mean, can I just say you are not a filthy creep, nor is Alan. Whoa, a little quick addendum there. Very few men are.

I'm going to wait till bra week, nip in there. Maybe Teddy's week I might go in. Teddy's? Yeah. Will there be a Teddy's week I might go in. Teddy's? Yeah. Will there be a Teddy's week? Is there a Shamice week? I don't know what shop they're talking about. I don't know. I think it's Negligeidae. When's Negligeidae?

Is that in June? All I'm saying is don't go in during Thong week. No, I won't go in in Thong week. It's... I don't know. They put up a beaded curtain especially. Skinner, Dean I don't know they put up a beaded curtain especially I just had a moment I was talking about when we met Anthony Joshua this is my moment, Marty I just said I thought he was the best You all right? I was talking about when we met Anthony Joshua. This is my moment, Martina Scotch.

I just said I thought he was the best... Look, I'm losing my voice with excitement. It was the best physical specimen I've ever seen. Why is it so right for women to say that and men can't say it? Yeah. It's all right to say it in that voice. It doesn't make it right. Those of you who've had it your way for 2,000 years. It's our turn, baby.

Yeah, it's not really... That doesn't make it right I'll see you on Loose Women and we'll discuss it there I agree I've got a lovely picture of you and Anthony Joshua Don't slag us off and then be as a bad side of us I'm saying how much I love Anthony Joshua

I won't have a word said against him I move things slightly sideways Oh yes Go on I said you what I said, Steve Can I move things slightly sideways? Oh, yes. Terra firma. Go on. Firmer the better, aye? Aye! I said you what I said, Steve.

Firmer the better. Outrageous. Where are you going? Steve? Steve? Steve? Steve, no. Steve, get us a coffee! Where's he going?

Where's he going? Where's Steve going? I hate that, though. That get us a coffee, the anger in the request. That just made me feel a bit angry. Dear Frank Ems and the Cockerel, I write to you from France, where my daughter has just started school for the summer term.

Lovely. She's nine and loves you all. I'm not meant to read the bit about praise. At her new school, the cook is rather wonderfully named Madame Fromage. Lovely. I wonder if any of your readers have similar examples of nominative determinism in other languages bon samedi wow that's that's a text in and a half

nominative determinism in other languages oh that's complex sorry out there. Yeah. Wow. We've had another international text, Frank. I was, email actually, I was listening this week and lolled at the bit where Frank confirmed he wasn't Annika Rice. I thought it was good to clear that off. My Japanese wife,

who knows I listen to the show, heard me laugh and asked what I was listening to. She said, is that Skinny San? She calls everybody San, but obviously misremembered your name slightly. However, I thought you might like this new Japanese handle, especially since you don't have any anymore, Frank. I do like Skinny San.

Especially since you've recently joined the world of the skinny. There you go, Skinny San. Skinny San. I'm going to write it down, I like it. We don't need to, we've laminated a name badge for you already. I bet she'd like Annika Rice. That was from Barewood. Barewood?

No, but thanks for the tip. Yeah, Barewood. Oh, OK. Barewood for shoes. That used to be the local slogan. Yeah. Oh, they had a lovely Freeman Hardy and Willis. Oh, yeah. Yes. You could get a nice cheap work pair as well.

They had about seven shoe shops. Yeah. I'd say it was over 10% of their shops were sold shoes. What about that? Amazing. It's a bit like Hatton Gardens and, you know. Yeah. Jewellery. Precious jewellery. Exactly. Yeah. It was a shoe ghetto.

Sometimes I get trapped in a link. I'm damn near finding my way out of it. What are you going to do? How are you going to get out? There's always a way. What about a big hand for the police? Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I went to Cliveden at the weekend. Where's that? It's sort of a stately home. Oh, dear. You know what?

As I said, where's that? I had an awful feeling that it might be like a festival or something. Well, I'll tell you what, you might have heard of it, but you might have heard it referred to by its proper name, which is Cliveden. Cliveden. And, yeah. Spelled C-L-I-V-E.

Frank says Clive Dunn as an homage to Clive Dunn. It is in fact Clifton. I've been sitting here all day. Jake Thackeray, Clive Dunn. Well, I'll do them all. Frank, did you know... Don't forget Frank Muir. I forgot about that.

It is a somewhat confusing pronunciation. Did you know, were you put right, you were put right on the pronunciation of Cliveden? Well, actually, on Monday, I do an art show on Sky Art. It's very popular. And one of the judges, very... I'll tell you what, one of the judges, very polite.

I'll tell you how she corrected me. I said, I went to Cliveden the weekend. Oh, I feel a wince every time you do. And she said, I think it might be called Cliveden. As if she wasn't sure either. Instead of being like you did and shooting me down in flames. We would all seize that moment. Don't shoot me down in flames this close to the Red Arrows during my last week.

By the way, can i just can we just open a tab on the browser and keep it open yeah uh when you mention the red arrows ross noble friend of the show has been in touch about the red arrows we'll come back to that anyway i'm happy to go there we can always come back to clifton frank please stop doing that okay uh you know it upsets me okay so we were talking about the Red Arrows on the show. I had a dream last week. I had a dream. Yeah.

Not of such import. No, I dreamt about the Red Arrows. Okay. I was surprised by the Red Arrows. That was... And you started a text and saying, has anyone ever been surprised by the Red Arrows? Yeah.

Expecting now. Quite a few. And we had quite a few. A lot of people that live in Lincolnshire where they practise seems to have been surprised. Including... I just don't like the idea that they practise. You don't like the idea that they practise?

I'm glad they practise. You think they should just have a roll of the dice? I don't want them to practise over my garden day one. Well, Ross Noble, who's a friend of the show, he says, read the arrows. He might as well have put the D on and gone the whole hog. Yeah. I was in the middle of an off-road motorcycle race.

Of course he was, because he likes this. When who should appear above the trees? That's right, the big, smoky, supersonic nacho that is the Red Arrows. Ah. By the way, the Australian version of the Red Arrows are called the Roulettes. Oh. It sounds like a... It sounds like the Skinnerettes.

Tanlamoto Act. He also says... The Roulettes. I wouldn't want to join an aerobatics team that we're called. What's the Russian aerobatics team? Are they called the Roulettes? One of the planes doesn't have that much petrol in it. Wow.

Well, that's interesting. And his fave single letter name is R. Kelly. Oh, good. Just so you know. Yeah, we asked famous people who had one initial name. And Frank was really proud of his. I was so proud of mine. Do you know what?

I lay in bed that night thinking that was such a good single initial name. It was H Samuel if you missed last week's show. To me it's got everything. If you missed last week's show, he's going to keep going on about it. You brought it up. I did, you're right. You don't need to download it. I'll tell it again. It's not even a joke

as such, but there's something so intrinsically comic about the whole concept of H. Samuel that just to say it makes me happy and I think makes a lot of people at home happy as well. Happier than jewellery ever made anyone. What about that for a statement? Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah. I'm going to say Cliveden, if you like. What do you mean if I like? I'm flexible. Never be said that I'm not flexible. Okay, Descartes.

Hey, hey, hey. The other thing about Cliveden... Why, Mariner? We've all got things wrong on the show. Well, I like that we're all even. Yes. I wouldn't put Cliveden... Why Mariner? We've all got things wrong on the show. Well, I like that we're all even. Yes. Everyone's perfect. I wouldn't put Cliveden up there with Descartes. No, me neither.

But what about Why Mariner? Why Mariner, I think, was good. It felt like the sequel to Moby Dick. Call me Ishmael again. That opens. I'm still called Ishmael is the opening sentence to Why Mariner. Anyway, the other thing about Cliveden, which I didn't know, because we took about a dozen kids there for the day,

me and several parents from my son's school, is that it was where the Profumo thing happened. The big scandal in British politics in the 60s, I think. Which involved two... Ladies of the night. I suppose we can call them that. Although I don't know what their hours were. That'd be a good bit of memorabilia.

I think they were quite... I think they were on flexi time. I don't know what they did. I don't know what they did. I mean, that's been pretty well charted, actually. I know what they did. It's not charted on breakfast radio, I'm very happy to say. I'll have to come back to this,

because we've got important, responsible things to go to, like the news, and more importantly on commercial radio, the adverts. But it's all going to happen. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. And God willing. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, some might say, on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, text us on 81215 or email us via what we like to call the Absolute Radio website. I like the idea of you finishing every song with guitars and singing.

Well, they're not all, you know... I think they're up front, aren't they? Anyway, listen... No, no, listen! I was at Cliveden. Yes. And Gareth Williams has tweeted us to say Cliveden where Joyce Grenfell spent a lot of her childhood.

Is that right? I didn't know that. She was one of the Astor family. Oh, OK. Yes, it was their manor, I believe. Is that...? I didn't know that. Well, she was one of the Astor family. Oh, okay. Yes, it was their manor, I believe. Is that... Nancy Astor. Were they Gauls? No.

No, I don't think they ever risked the Gaul, did they? The Astors. Anyway, as you were. I don't know what you're talking about. Astor risked the Gaul. Oh, very good. Oh, it was, I mean, it was such hard work, and for what? Stoney Ground. So anyway, yes work And for what Yeah Stoney Ground

So anyway Yes we'll come to Stoney Ground In a minute But we I guess I'd hear something about The Profumo affair Mandy Rice

Oh great review Mandy Mandy Rice You heard it last here Mandy Rice Davis You know Was one of the The girls

She was sort of The cheeky one Christine Keener Was sort of The slightly elegant Mysterious one She was sort of the cheeky one. Christine Keeler was sort of the slightly elegant, mysterious one. She was the sort of sultry one. You'd want Barbara Windsor, I think, in 65 if you were going to cast her. It's been cast, of course.

Anyway, she said, someone said, well, Mr Profumo denies all these things. And she said, well, he would, wouldn't he? And well, he would, wouldn't he? As is in the Oxford book of quotations. Wow.

No, it's never struck me as an absolute belt. It's not like, you know, when a man is tired of London, he's tired of life. Well, he would, wouldn't he? But there it is. Well, I understand why it's in there. Do you? Well, I think... I do better things than that every day.

I don't think the phrase in itself was witty, but I think it was the fact that she was breaking down the entire system, perhaps. Well, maybe. OK, thank you. Thank you. Standing up for Mandy Rush Davis. I don't think it's up there with where real music matters.

No repeat guarantee. Yeah? Yeah. Or, may I throw in, football's coming home. Wow. Thank you. Boz said to me, my four and a half year old for new readers, said to me that there's a picture

of him and he's got his Hulk pyjamas on. And he said, that's me inside my pyjamas and now I've started saying that I've started using that I'm just going to get inside my suit nice I just like the idea of it in a way we are inside our clothes what are you going to be inside at the party tonight which is actually I have been asked that but that's a different... The other thing Boss said to me... Good luck with Panty Week, everyone. What about this?

Panties? Don't correct me on panties. Well, look, I've seen the poster. Have you seen the poster? I think Panty Week sounds a bit... I'm just saying I like a singular panty. Panty Week sounds like Ronin encouraged people to jog. Or maybe taking the dogs out.

Yes. If you like taking the dogs out, why not listen to Emily Dean's podcast when she interviews celebrities taking their dogs for a walk? Yes, it's good. Oh, Frank, you've done me a little shout-out. You're such a pal. Buzz said to me, we were watching the telly together, and they said, now tomorrow's weather. And he said to me, we were watching the telly together, and they said, now tomorrow's weather.

And he said to me, how do they know what the weather's going to be like tomorrow? And I thought, you're right. How did we ever fall for this? They have no idea how it's going to be tomorrow, and they are constantly getting it wrong. And I just still trusted them, and they're the innocent of the child.

Just said, no, how do they do that? That's ridiculous. And he's right. He'd say, well, he would say that, wouldn't he? He didn't say that, no. He's not. Everyone told him about Mandy Rice Davis. Huge gaps in his knowledge. Although you know who does like Mandy Rice Davis? The woman who called me skinny, Sam.

This one's for her. Good morning, Tokyo. Come on, let's hear you singing at home. Good morning, Tokyo. Happy to be seeing you. What are you? Oh, I understand. Yes, it was...

Oh, Skin understand. Yes, it was... Oh, skinny Sam. What ought to be in the Oxford Book of Quotations that isn't? Oh, what quotes that we should put in there? Quotes that one hears and you think, actually, I like that. Well, I remember Terry Griffiths got knocked out of the snooker. He'd won it the year before. And he went out in I think the second round

and he said in the interview, you know, well there's a certain beauty in defeat. Yeah. And I thought that that's much better than well he would wouldn't he? Yeah. Well I'm always a fan of Tony put the ball away. Which I believe was said

to Tony Adams by, was it Lee Dixon? Lee Dixon said it when we were at a dinner. And we were just having dinner in a restaurant. And it was my fault. I kept asking Tony Adams about football. And there were a lot of non-football-y types. And Lee Dixon said,

Addo, put the ball away. So, yeah, that's better. I like to think that sums up. It's a general, it's a rule of thumb for don't bring your business into it. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah, I just think, you know, don't alienate people by talking about your specialist subject.

Exactly. Don't put the TARDIS away. Cat says, or do put the TARDIS, forget it. Can we do that again, Steve? Steve, I think he's still getting that coffee you shouted him five pages ago. What would I say to you two? Ow. Put the jester's hat away.

But I'll tell you what they have got at Cliveden, which I enjoyed. A maze. A maze? You like a maze, don't you? Oh, yes, there's a lovely maze there. It's a good maze, isn't it? Yeah. How high are the hedges?

Is it a hedge one? They're properly high. You can't just pee here, if that's what you're thinking. I was thinking, like, you know, I'm tall, I could just leap. Anthony, you're sure you'd have no problems with that one. Except for six. Well, it was... What?

Oh. OK, sorry, the producer's giving me a big wind-up going on, and no-one cares about mazes, kind of a sign. She didn't say that. She's got that permanently prepped, no one cares about mazes. Frank, she had that bad experience in the maze that we don't talk about. I'm thinking of building one in my

garden. A maze? Yeah, I might start a hedge fund. Ah! Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. So, what they don't have with the mate, everyone's eating cake.

We got sent some cake by the Cake Tasting Club. Nice. Doesn't fit with my regime, unfortunately, but the rest of the team have loved it. They're loving it. I'm enjoying it. They listen to the show, apparently, at the Cake Tasting Club. I've got a caramel top-tip brownie right now. Four people.

Is it four in the club? I think it's four. It's like some East London trendy band, the Cake Tasting Club, isn't it? They'd all have beards. What's that one, the bicycle thing? Bombay Bicycle Club. Get out. They're the ones that I sent loads of people to

from my gig I told you about this, I was doing a festival and there was a band playing in a marquee tent next door and I went, this is a good band marquee tent, in the four I said, who's this? and they went, Bombay Bicycle Club and I went, why are you all here?

and they all go up and went yeah, I packed out a large venue at the Greenbelt Festival and realised it was raining. Stopped raining and I lost about, let's say, a third of them. Frank, you know, you were talking about initials. Nugget has said, rather surprised, Frank's favourite single initial name, which we were talking about last week.

Nugget says he's surprised yours isn't R. Keith. Oh, yeah. There you go. I don't see what it is really. It's like a sort of a... Yeah. Anyway, what they don't have in the maze there is one of those people who sit on an umpire's,

tennis umpire's chair with a loud hailer. Now, I've mentioned these people before and I think they've gone. I think that the May's instructor is one of the unnoticed casualties

of austerity Britain. Yeah. Well, it's good that we've got a campaign. We've been looking for a campaign, haven't we? Well, you know what's going to happen? Nothing's going to be said until someone gets lost in a maze and starves to death.

And then, of course, there'll be a panorama about it. Investigation. And then they'll say, we've got to get them back. But why not get them back now and prevent that tragedy? Good point.

Yeah. Good point. So we got through them. I just followed, which is what I normally do in life, as you know. I just followed others. I put my head down and followed. I can get lost in a pomegranate. You in a maze really

concerns me. Those chambers do all look the same, those yellow chambers. You know, if you really get your face down deep into a pomegranate, I'd totally lose my bearings. Where's the volcano end? I ask myself. Because I'll tell you something now, when you eat a pomegranate,

and there's a little tip for the people at home. I mean, I'm a slicer, right? Go down the middle of the pomegranate. So one half's got the volcano, the other half's just that sort of a naval type bit. The lines of seeds on the non-volcano bit are higgledy-piggledy. They're all over the place. Oh, really?

You pick in here, you're in there, out. I've used a pin before now and took them out individually. It takes a long time. But when you get to the volcano end, nice neat ranks, like the terracotta army, the red seeds. May I... So if you're sharing one with a friend, I know this is a bit sneaky.

What a lovely night out, sharing a pomegranate. But you keep the volcano end, give them the hard work. You deserve it. Good point. Yeah, they're little... Chef's privileges, that's what they say, isn't it? Is that what they call it? I'm really impressed that you have the confidence for the pomegranate good point yeah they're little chefs privileges that's what they say isn't it

I'm really impressed that you have the confidence for the pomegranate preparation which I don't I was about to say may I give you the tip chop it in half and turn it inside out

and just whack all your seeds into a little bowl and there you are or here's another tip go to a restaurant and order one

much better you can't order a pomegranate I'd love to pay 8 quid for a pomegranate. I was once in a South African hotel when Arsene Wenger ordered an apple. An apple with a knife and fork. And satin-ed it with a knife and fork.

Frank, put the ball away. Eh? I know, but come on, eh? But eh, the chickens have come home to roost now. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We haven't done this morning. We have a new regular in our show, don't we? Oh, yes, we just started.

Shall we kick it? I've got a jingle up my sleeve. Okay. Here we go. Some of them before fall on story drives. Yes, now this is an item. I'm currently doing, in case you didn't listen last week, I'm currently doing a live sort of comedy show.

Use the word sort of. On ITV on Tuesday nights. It's actually very good. Thank you, darling darling you are very supportive but anyway inevitably on a live um tv show when you're doing jokes some of them do fall on stony ground and i thought what would be interesting for um my the family on this show and i include our regular readers in this is to identify um my biggest failure of the of the week okay are we doing it from a long list or from a short list i'm just reading oh what about

when he asks me what i think or the stony ground and he says that was a really brilliant joke yeah well but it's not about, it's not about, it's about the response, really, because you know, I mean, I like to think almost certainly erroneously that a great joke can still get a very poor response. Yes. Oh no, that is not erroneous. Is it not?

I think that's an accepted fact amongst comedians, certainly. Oh, well, exactly. I thought it was erroneous tosh. It was one of my favourite artists. Yes, lovely work. Well, I can exclusively reveal extracts from the WhatsApp messages between myself and the producer during the show.

Okay. At 20.20, Daisy WhatsAppped me and said, no stony ground so far, dot, dot, dot. That's good. That's 20 minutes in. I think I'd said that. Sorry. And Daisy replied, he's doing well.

Nice, see? Lovely. My nomination is, in case you don't know the show, and most people don't, let's face it, moral dilemmas is part of it, and then the audience vote on these moral dilemmas. You get the app, which I've got, and you can vote. OK. So one of the things was you're sitting in a toilet cubicle

and you hear your friends talking. They don't know you're in there and they're talking about you and criticising you. What do you do? Do you sit there and suffer? Do you burst out and accuse them? Do you wait and accuse them individually? It's very square.

burst out and accuse them? Do you wait and accuse them individually? And I said that to me that it was that situation was basically Twitter. That I sit in the stinking cubicle of celebrity

being tortured by the unkindness of others. Nothing. Absolutely. I mean, if you could have, you know how you can get, like, diet versions of things? If there was a diet version of silence,

that was what it got. It was sob silence. I know what you mean. I don't think, I don't feel that got what it deserved. No, I didn't think, it didn't rock it. Do you think it got what, um um i worked with a producer who called it benign grinning like do you think it got sort of silent laughter i don't think i'd love to think it went internal but i don't think it did we're gonna have to come back to this

because i'm not done with it you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've actually just received a text, Frank. This is almost like developing Stoney Ground news. Oh, good. It's a kind of meta, Stoney Ground. Simon the art dealer has texted, Frank, your erroneous Tosh slash Hieronymus Bosch quip got nothing. Shame, it wasn't wasted on at least one of your readers. Well, there you go. Your erroneous Tosh slash Hieronymus Bosch quip got nothing. Shame. It wasn't wasted on at least one of your readers.

Well, there you go. I laughed at it. I remember laughing at it. Was it this week? It was just about five minutes ago. Art dealers are getting it. That's fine. I love your art dealer material.

But it's a bit different on this show because we don't have an audience in here, obviously. I'm guessing everything I say is rocking the nation. But when you're sitting in the TV studio and there's people there, you've got a sample crowd and none of them laugh, then you feel maybe no-one laughed at all. I think your hit rate was fairly high. Oh, yes, but, you know...

We're not going to talk about that on this show. No, we're only going to talk about the failures. You see, the way I saw it going was this. Yeah. This is what I imagined would happen. I imagined that when I said, I sit in the stinking cubicle of celebrity, I thought there'd be a joke there

that I'd have to quash in order to complete this. So I thought there'd be a... You want me to do the chuckles? You know what we could do? We could maybe relive it for you, as if you got the laughter. So what we want is, after Celeb, I want to... Well, you can't direct it that much. No, I think you can.

I think so. OK. Whose name's on the door? No, look, so after Celeb, I'll say then laugh, and then I'll quiet you down a bit. And then at the end, I'll raise my hand, and you can give me the big one. Okay.

Okay. So it's a bit like Twitter, really. I sit in the stinking... Oh, no. I mean, it's live. The trouble is, it's live. That's gone. Live, you say?

Yeah. Let's go again, Steve. You see, it's like Twitter. I sit in the stinking cubicle of celebrity. No, no, but I... And I am tortured by the unkindness of others. That's how I imagined in my dreams. But I was the only applauder, can I say?

Yes. The staff were silent. I actually, after I'd said it, I heard a dandelion seed land at the other side of the studio. That was it. That was it landing. Should that again?

It was deafening. Oh, right. Well, do you feel better now we've redone it? Yes, it's fine. I've got... Ross Noble has been in touch again. Well, hold that thought, because I've got the little red fez. In case you don't know, when the producer got the little red fez, and when the producer, in case you don't know,

when the producer passes the little red fez, that means shut up. So, I'll be back. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's becoming a bit of a

Ross Noble themed show this morning Yes, well that's never a bad thing Well exactly But Ross has messaged me with his own Stoney Ground moment and it's related to Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain Okay, Damab

So Ross begins Hi, here is my Stoney Ground moment It's rather like he's getting in touch with Live and Kicking Exactly So Ross begins, hi, here is my stony ground moment. It's rather like he's getting in touch with live and kicking or something. Exactly. I tweeted Alexander, that's Armstrong, your host, Frank, of your show, to say I enjoyed the show.

So he publicly tweeted this, Ross. Okay. And was pleased to see live comedy on telly. But I also said very much approve of the set and attached a picture of my set from one of my DVDs as a light-hearted gesture, drawing comparison between the two. Hopefully he didn't take this as a warning of upcoming legal proceedings, but as no response came back, I am claiming that it is not just Frank who lays in bed thinking about

the show and Stoney Ground. So Ross has said nothing. So they're similar sets, are they? Well, I've got a picture here and it's basically the same. Really? Now I'm on legal thin ice. He's not going to sue. He was

making a light-hearted... Look, I didn't build the set, although I had quite a bit of input. Did you? Well, you know. You've got to have a lectern if you're going to deliver a speech. But it is hard when you make a little... You know, he was having a little bit of a joke. A little bit of a joke.

A little bit of a joke. And then to get nothing. It worries you. But Xander's probably worried about the legal implications. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I played a jingle for the Stony Ground section. Liked it.

Which some people, it turned out, when we spoke during the music, some people on this show, Emily Dean included and about what Alan thought, thought it was some old Victorian number. That's exactly what I thought. I thought it was an old vicar. It's

actually me. It's not. Are you sure? Honestly, let's hear it. I'll tell you why it sounds like it's from the past. I left it on Daisy the producer's answer phone, and said, can you turn this into a jingle? So, let's hear it, please. Some of them before I'm totally drowned.

It does sound like you. It sounds like one of the earliest recordings of the human voice. Yes, it does. Yes, it is. Or something we might hear at a seance yeah in uh in 1880 yes indeed interestingly about it i did i did i look i did a bit of a sneaky thing i'll be honest because i phoned daisy the producer and said i want i wanted to this thing i want to jingle it's all right to leave it as a voice message and she said no no um in it she said she said uh

she said to me um do it on you know one of those voice files and send it me i said oh i don't know if i know how to do that and really i'd heard her voice message um recently and there was something i wanted to check. So I really wanted to have another listen. So I said, no, no, let me do it on this. Don't answer. And what she says on it is leave a message and I'll

get back to you as soon as I can. And when I first heard it, I thought, did she really say as soon as I can? And this gave me an opportunity to have another listen, and she does say exactly that, which I really much enjoy. I mean, not only sneaky, but a meaning on the radio. You then give her a dig on the radio about a voice-over message.

Oh, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I thought I'd got Liza Minnelli on the line. Sean Connery? I'm so sorry for your laugh. But anyway, I then said, I left the message and I said, can you put a bit of organ music on it? And then Sarah, the assistant producer... Oh, the trouble she went to.

She went, she went... They've been running around with that organ all week. Yeah, she... Yeah, so she found that I'd actually sung it spontaneously in F sharp minor. Or F sharp major. F sharp major. Come on, make your mind up. I can't remember.

One of them. Okay, well, it was... Anyway, it was in... It's a live show, love. It was in F sharp. Yes, gone now. We'll never get that back. So that's what they did.

But it's a great jingle. I love it. Yeah. I mean... And I love that it smells of embalming fluid, if you know what I mean. It's absolutely brilliant the thing I love about this Link is the power you wield the power to get a jingle made

and then to mock the producer's voicemail what about him sitting at home ringing that I mean does he do that to all of us in our voicemails to analyse how we may have made mistakes on this not only did they do a great job but they did it so shoon.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

You know what we haven't talked about yet today? We've talked about a wide-raging... We've done Jake Thackeray, that's made my day. He just said wide-raging. Yes. I like that. It was a slip of the tongue. Now, Shoon... I'll get back to you, Shun. Now, Shun, are we back on it?

People are so mean to Daisy about her voicemail now. We haven't discussed Tom Hardy's Have A Go Hero status, which has been widely reported. Now, before we go on to Tom Hardy, I... Well, I'm on Tom Hardy, but Sarah, who's the assistant, let's call her the AP, she mentioned Tom Hardy recently, and she called him Thomas Hardy. She did? Yeah. Well, do you think he is the same Kwan? It never occurred to me. You know, these idiotic eureka moments that we have

when the things that have never occurred to you, they're obvious. It never occurred to me that Tom Hardy has got the same name as Thomas Hardy, the writer. Yeah, he has. Blew me away. I think that's why he calls himself Tom rather than Thomas Hardy. He could go Tommy, couldn't he? Tommy Hardy. Tommy Hardy.

Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. Okay. There used to be a tradition in the black country where I grew up of calling people called Tom or Tommy would be called Tom or Tommy. Tom?

Tommy. That's the same. Oh. Is that the same thing? There was a bloke called Tom Jones Oh yes, I'm familiar with him. It's not unusual. It was a different one. And he was known as... He was called Tommy Dunes. It's Tommy Jones.

I just said Tommy Dunes. Right. That's strange. Just mention that. I think that might just be an accent thing, isn't it? Yeah, I think it's the same name, maybe, still. I think so. But it's Tommy.

It's more like Tommy Jones. Tommy Dunes. Anyway. Anyway. Tom Hardy. Thomas Hardy's Tommy. It's more like Tommy Jones. Tommy Jones. Anyway. Anyway. So, Tom Hardy. Thomas Hardy. Yes. The modern one.

Is he still living in the middle? He chased down a motorcycle thief and caught him. Yeah. Did a bit of running down alleyways. Have a go, hero. And I did. You remember ages ago we talked about things that we don't believe in? What do you mean, is he still living in the mill?

On the floss. I think it was Thomas Hardy. Yeah, it's a reference, yeah. No, that wasn't Thomas Hardy. Yes, it was, wasn't it? No, sorry. I think it was. I think you're right.

Who wrote it? What? On the floss. Who wrote it? It's George Eliot. She's Googling it. What's it? I'm Googling it.

It was George Eliot. Don't bother Googling it, love. I'm sorry I got it wrong. Is it my Descartes? I mean, considering what you did with me about Cliveden, and now you've said that Thomas Hardy wrote Milan the Floss, I can't breathe.

I'm having a panic attack. Sorry, carry on. I'm sorry. I should have referred to the d'Urbervilles. Did he write that one?... I should have referred to the d'Urbervilles. Did he write that one? He did write Tess of the d'Urbervilles. Far from the Madding Crowd. Yes, I know Far from the Madding Crowd.

Jude the Obscure. I'm sorry. We're doing them all. Two on the Tower. Sorry about the meal. Some poems. Mary Castlebridge. Bless you.

Oh, that's a good one. It is. Anyway, he apprehended this baddie. The thief. I'm going to just call him a baddie. The motorcycle, moped thief. Yeah. And he performed a thing that I don't,

I didn't believe in this until now. Why? The citizen's arrest. Oh, yeah, he did. He just apprehended him. And they used the word apprehended as well. Love it. I think, don't you just have to say,

I arrest thee, I arrest thee, I arrest thee. And you're arrested. Are you thinking of Beetlejuice? No, actually, I'm thinking of the 17th century form of divorce in the United Kingdom. You could just say, I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee, and that was it. There's still some religions you can still do it. I mean, that is low on admin. It was in Richmond, apparently, as well, wasn't it?

It was in Richmond, yes. You don't even have to consult a registrar. Brilliant. He was in hot pursuit, very hot. I mean it. He was in hot pursuit. See, it's all right. That was a weird bit of the story.

If they say it, it's fine. Hey, can we have a section on the show called You See It's All Right? I like that. Yeah. It's all right when they say it. We can have that. I'll do that. I'll get a jingle. Victorian jink parlor song. And I'll sing It's alright when they say it. We can have that. I'll do that. I'll get a jingle. Victorian

jing parlor song. And I'll sing. It's alright when they say it. Sounded a bit more, went a bit more spiritual. It's work in progress. He went through a back garden, Tom Hardy.

I've heard that. Which is very Sweeney. It's very chasing the Sweeney, which I don't see that often these days. I've heard that. Which is very Sweeney. It's very Chasing the Sweeney, which I don't see that often these days. I hope they got to a wire fence and that one of them had to clamber up it. Barking dog, perhaps? He had to navigate the barking dog.

They always get to those metal doors in alleys and try them and they're locked. You know that? And best of all, if he's racing across rooftops and the gap between the two houses is a little bit wider than they would have liked, but they go for it anyway. And you know what? And best of all, if he's racing across rooftops and the gap between the two houses is a little bit wider than they would have liked, but they go for it anyway. And you know what? They make it.

Yeah. Tom Hardy would make it. Because they're like that. Tom Hardy. Is there a bit of nominative determinism in Tom Hardy's career as a hard man? Oh, yes. Tom Hardy.

I mean, he's played Bronson, Lecrae. Has he got a sort of gentle librarian brother called Tom Softy? I'd love to. That would be brilliant. You know, Wild Bill Hickok had a brother called Tame Bill Hickok. No. Did he? Yeah, it was quite a sort of...

I have to go to school day on this show. But why didn't that... See, if I'd have been around then, I would have said, no, no, call him Mild Bill Hickok. Oh, yeah. And then you got the Wild thing. But people just dash off these nicknames. I've just said you're a man born in the wrong era, Frank.

Yes, I should have been there when they nicknamed Wild Bill Hickok's brother. Everything would have worked better. So what were we talking about? We were talking about... Thomas Hardy. Thomas Hardy. What about when I said middle of the floss? Oh, awful.

I said it's written by Thomas Hardy and it was still jelly. And Frank corrected me, I went, no. The thing is... I can't move on. I was going to let it go for your benefit and it was nagging at me so much. I understand. I couldn't keep it.

I can't keep it in, I can't keep it in. I've got to let it out. I'm glad you did it are you well because it's out there now better out than in you're right but i feel sick okay anyway there's been an enormous rush of bets on uh on tom hardy i'll give him the short name um just to avoid confusion. Tom Hardy and Coke? That's how rumours start. There's been a rush of bets on him

to be the next James Bond, which I'd never thought of him as James Bond. And now apparently he runs to like six to four, whatever that means. It means that you've been on six three to get four. Well, I tell you what, I'd like to see him coming out of the sea.

Oh, it's all right for you. I don't think he's going to play Ursula Andress role. Have you not seen Daniel Craig coming out of the sea? Yeah, although I think he might have the same problem that Frank has a problem with. I think he might look too big in a suit. Oh, yes. He does look too big.

I don't know about Tom. I haven't seen Tamardi in a suit for a while't think... Oh, yes. He does look too big. I don't know about Tom. I haven't seen Tom Hardy in a suit for a while. Tom Hardy's good. Sounds like an X Factor contestant. Tom Hardy! He was a very good Bane. Was he? I liked him as Bane.

He was terrifying in the Batman. Oh, okay. But he wasn't in a suit. Like so many super villains. They don't wear suits, the villains. No, he was... Some kind of lycra? They wear a body suit. He was wearing a sort of a...

It looked like... You know that thing that Anthony Hopkins wears in Silence of the Lambs? A straitjacket? Oh, yes. It looked like an... No, that... A boiler suit. Oh, the mask.

Right, yeah, yeah. He wears, like, one of those with a lot of metal tubes on it. You know how people do. Yeah, I've got one. Batman's punching him on the metal mask, and I always think, ooh, Batman. You're going to regret that, mate. You get back to the cave.

Last time Batman's been called mate. Ouchie. That's what my daughter would say. What I'd really, really like to discover about the Tom Hardy thing is that the first name of the baddie that he chased was Jerry. Because that would be one of the great classic chases ever. I like to think that things would get knocked over, flower vases just being saved.

In the back garden. A neighbour hit them with a frying pan, all that stuff. And then you just see two feet in stripy socks. And those big slippers, Frank. Let's leave it there. Yeah, let's not do that. No, no, no. That's cold as sack.

Do you think he will be the next James Bond? I think Daniel Craig will be the next James Bond. Oh, yeah. Hasn't he been offered? I mean, the one after that. I think he said, I'm never doing it again, and then they pushed the money up. Yeah, but we've all said that.

Yeah. But here I am. Oh, it's great that you could get the James Bond role by literally R.I.L. chasing somebody in the street. Great use of R.I.L., Frank. Congratulations. I only learnt it this morning. I like to get a minute.

I'm glad you picked it up. It does bring the cynic out in me. Is it I.R.L. or is it what we call fake news? You don't think they've staged? I wonder. What Tamardi said to an extra, can you steal a moped, I'll chase you. And then if I get the Bond thing, I'll give you ten quid.

Of all the people in the world that might know an out-of-work stuntman that could just nick a moped and run through some back alley. He must do his own. Put it this way, his odds have been slashed from six to one outsider to six to four favourites. Yeah, yeah. Well, his tyres will be slashed in a minute. You do the math.

Keeps upsetting the car, crying for eternity. I, um... Anyway, we'll come back to it. No, I'll tell you. Oh. The modern actor, you know, the successful modern actor,

they have to have incredible bods. It didn't used to be like that, did it? Yeah. No, you're so right. It's part of the deal. They've got to have it all now. They have to look like... you know those food supplement models you see on the side of those big tobs of powder?

They have to have bodies. It's a similar... Actor has become a model's job. Yes. Whereas, you know, back in the day, it wasn't the case. Like in my day, dear. No, Charles Hawthorne. Right.

Never considered for Bond. What an extreme. So, I was out at an event this week and we were there together, Frank, weren't we? We were. I was out at an event this week. Yeah, I experienced slightly more of it. I was out at an event this week I experienced slightly more of it this would have been a very poor first draft of Spartacus

we were both at the same event which was the opening of a new bar eatery night spot slash hotel it's a flashy hotel bar eateryy, night spot, slash hotel. Yeah, it's a flashy hotel. Oh, a bar, eatery, night spot, hotel.

Yeah, I go to loads of those. Yeah. Loads. Not the openings. I usually wait until they've had a run at it. We were invited by a friend of ours. And we had... It was a bit hen night in the car on the way over there,

would you say? It was very... I said we should be in a stretch limo, because I was in the front. I was in the front. I was in the front. With the driver. And my partner and Emily and their friend was in the back and they were absolutely...

It was hysterical. It was like they were hanging out the window with a bottle of wine saying, where are you going, darling? You know, that kind of... Meanwhile, you're at the front eating in the driver's sandwiches probably. We may as well have had the Lamborghini out. I was putting make-up on. There was lots of discussion of, oh, your hair looks nice.

I had a little glass of Tom Hardy of my own. I'm having flashbacks to my train last night. Kat kept saying occasionally, because I think she felt she wanted to include him in the hysteria at the back. And she'd say, don't you, Frank? Didn't you, Frank? Every two minutes.

Frank does that. Like the proud mother. It is like to be included in anything. Well, not anything except when she asked you what you thought of my hair and you said don't give me a hospital pass ouch ouchie how about it looks nice lie yeah just so lovely yeah so it was it was one of those big um you know dues it was a big lavish dude and i've got emily's hair yes it was it big, lavish do. Emily's hair? Yes, it was. It's a lavish do. A beehive. I like those. They're good.

Oh, I love a beehive. It was packed there. There were 2,000 people there. Was it 2,000? Yes, Frank. Goodness me. That is a lot to fit into a bar, restaurant, nightclub. It is. Hotel. Was there a bistro, or have I made that up?

There were about five restaurants, I think. I thought there was a bistro. Well, the first part... What about if, let's say, who could it be? Ava Herzigova opened her own... You know how a lot of restaurants get opened by celebrities? Yeah. And she opened a small place and called it Beauty and the Bistro.

Nice. That'd be wild. If you're listening, Ava, and you've probably already said I'm having that, it's fine. It's all yours. I think she's part of the demographic that Absolute are after. She is. She must be a Hello Boys girl, wasn't she? She was. She was. Super bra.

Wonder bra. Not super bra, that's one of the superhero. No, no, it was a super bra. He was a villain. I think it's super bra week. Super bra. Was it Wonderbra? Not Superbra. That's one of the superheroes. No, no, it wasn't Superbra. He was a villain. I think it's Superbra Week. Superbra was played by Tamardi in Batman. It was Wonderbra, which is obviously a pun on wunderbar, the German word. Is it that obvious? Do you know, that's an idiotic Eureka moment.

I never knew that. I've always assumed that that was the case. Well, that's extraordinary. Wunderbar. Wunderbar. Yeah, I know the song. I've always assumed that that was the case. Well, that's extraordinary. Wunderbar. Wunderbar. I know the song. That must be so. You know, she once presented a Brit award,

and she just came on stage. I must have told you about this. It was one of those moments when... She was presenting a Brit award, Ava, at Segovia. I said, the Wonderbra girl, and she got up, and she didn't do any speech. She just opened an envelope and went, smashing pumpkins, and I shouted, here, here.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. So anyway, we were talking about this party that Frank and I attended. Yeah. And, well, there were a few of us there.

I'll scroll through my texts, but I don't remember my invite. There was one of the... I didn't get an invite. I was a plus. We were plus. Well, me, you and Catherine were plus well me you and Kath were a plus three essentially we were plus three yeah

nothing funny going on I don't get invited to those kind of it was very cool I think I was the only man in the room in socks it was that kind of party bare feet or

no you know a lot of the cool people now don't they've given up on the socks let's call it if there's any cool people listening I't have to give up on the socks. If there's any cool people listening, I'll have your socks if you don't want them. Well, I've told you, we call it the hipster injury, the blister.

Do they get blisters? Well, because they don't wear socks, so it's the hipster injury. Now, we were descended into the vault because it was a former bank, I believe. No, I think it... Well, I don't know what it was, but there's a proper vault with a big thick door, like Fort Knox.

With a safe, yeah. Like Fort Knox. You know Fort Knox. Frank made a beeline for Stanley Tucci, one of his faves, those two, getting on like a house on fire. He's a nice man, Stanley Tucci. Eddie Redmayne you chatted with, Frank?

Well, I chatted. Oh, what did you say? I said hello. Okay. He didn't discuss the James Bond odds with Eddie Redmayne you chatted with, Frank? Well, I don't say chatted. Oh, what did you say? I said hello. Okay. He didn't discuss the James Bond odds with Eddie Redmayne. He might have some inside info, mightn't he? He couldn't be a James Bond, could he? He's not that kind of...

He's the sort of English, you know, slightly see-through English male actor. Yeah, yeah, he could be either in The Office or a baddie, maybe. Yeah, you want him in some English country house in the 1920s, being beautiful. Whereas Tamardi's going to come in through the wall. Yeah, yeah. And he's, anyway. Some kind of gear. Friendly, though.

Yeah, well, we then, we sat down, and we had a bit of an embarrassing moment. I'm afraid we got bumped from our table. Oh, no. Because, but then I saw who we were bumped for, and I thought, that's okay. It was the Earl, I think it's called Earl of Snowdon. He was Viscount Linley.

Earl Snowdon. Is it Earl Snowdon? Changed his name? Yeah, but he was with Xander Armstrong. Hang on. My colleague on Damab. My colleague. I'm more interested in this guy changing his name

from, what is it, Viscount to Earl. Viscount Linley, yes. Signing up. Lord Snowdon, I think it is as well, isn't it? Is Lord Earl? I don't understand. Oh,. Signing up. Lord Snowdon, I think it is as well, isn't it? Is Lord Earl? I don't understand. Oh, I don't know. You could...

Earl is highest of the Lord, isn't he? I remember... Earl's highest. Do you have any Ferreira or Rocher? Duke of Earl. Prince of Bel-Air, is he? Is that what he is now? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, listen. But the big moment for us... Okay. ...was Dynamo. Yes, Dynamo came over. Dynamo was there. And when I say you came over, I mean, we had at least 15 to 20.

No, but the build-up. Dynamo said to me, I listened to you on the radio the week, and you said you'd met me, and I was the first magician you'd ever met who didn't do a trick. And it is true. That is true.

They cannot. You know, when I meet people, I tend not to do any stand-up. Right. But, um, I don't need to. Yeah. But, um, he, but magicians, they always do. If you can, you know, you just want to,

once you've learnt the tricks. I couldn't believe that he hadn't done any magic when you told me that. I know. He more than made up for it the other night, didn't he, Frank? Oh, man, he did a great job. He did so many tricks on us. But really brilliant. I mean, there was one.

He managed to make 2P disappear. 2P? Yeah. You would be devastated. My thoughts were with you when that happened. I hope a pound reappeared, otherwise I'd be furious. Yes, he did. He made me put a jack of spades in my mouth.

What? Yeah. There was a card, and then he put a card in his mouth. Well, what he did is Emily had to sign a card, and then she put it in her mouth. So he could see it in her mouth, and then he signed one and put it in his mouth. And then they went really close to each other,

but didn't touch. It was a bit of a strange moment. Was it? Yes. You maybe. And then he took the card out of his mouth and it was signed by Emily. And she took the one out of hers and it was signed by him. Amazing.

It was. Kath, who's the least impressed person by magic in the world, this is my partner, was really gobsmacked by the whole thing. And it's interesting because I find when I've seen a magician, and if they're any good, I sort of am so excited that when I look back, I'm remembering even more amazing things that I'm not even sure they're... I seem to remember him taking a fully grown turkey from behind my ear. I don't know if that actually happened.

Sounds good. But it was so exciting. I just get really giggly and excited, like I'm round an attractive woman. That kind of, you know. It was amazing. Respect. Thank you, Dynamo.

He's a new friend of the show. I'm officially well, Gel. But I was talking about him in my partner's gymnasium yesterday, and because a woman there now... You've got mentionitis. Dynamo this, dynamo that. And the woman said, I think he has... He did a thing here. She said, I think he actually has got magical powers.

And that was a bit... Hashtag orcs. I mean, where do you go from there? Well, he's very good. She said, noag awks. I mean, where do you go from there? He's very good. She said, no, no, but I mean actual magical powers. She wouldn't let it drop. Yeah. I had to do a mock faint.

And I really caught my elbow on a chair on the way down. Oh, tricky that. Of course, every faint is a mock faint, as we know. Absolute, Absolute Radio. as we know. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I thought about Dynamo. He's a small, sort of slight man. Yes, he is.

As was Paul Daniels. Yeah. Small, slight man. Yeah. Pennantella, one of them's quite, slight man. Penn and Teller. Teller, one of them's quite a big man, Penn. But Teller, again, a small, slight man. I think these are people, they've got a bit more room in their sleeves than your average person.

And are you thinking, now that you've been, as they would have said in olden times, reducing, now that you've reduced quite a bit, are you thinking maybe you've got some magical powers because there's more room in yours? It's too late for me, I accept that. But hang on, haven't they got magical powers? I know, but some of the things they have to learn, you know. Oh, it's all learned. I thought they just had magical powers.

No, they don't have magical powers. No, they don't have magic at all. No, they don't have actual magic powers. I've made a terrible mistake. Pen of Penn and Teller. I mean, his sleeves are fully occupied. Not as much as they used to be, I believe. Really? They look fairly, yeah. I think he might have lost the load. I can't see any card space

in his sleeves. I bet Teller, if there's any, I'll say you better do this. My sleeves are busy. Well it's nice that they've got those options with each other. But I bet that's why they're a double act because Penn's probably a brilliant magician and I thought well you know

what am I going to do for a sleeve? I could wear a wizard gown. Everyone knows what you're up to. I think his bingo wings would have just been, you know the ingredients settle in a cereal packet? I think his arms

would have just, they'd have filled the wizard. Yeah, nothing in the top part. And that's what I love about Dynamo, is he favours quite a casual attire. There's no waistcoat with Dynamo. No. With lightning flashes on it. No. T-shirt and a jacket was it there's no deal not even now he's a thoroughly modern magician he is and i love that so after

you left frank yes i started i went obviously at 10 30 i mean you were out of there i'm not used to being what i love about kath as well she says right let's we're going we're going and then someone will walk towards you and she'll go, oh, God. Because you know it's going to be another 20 mins. Well, if you meet someone you really want to talk to. I know. But I feel her pain is what I'm saying.

It's hard. So we stayed a bit longer than you. Yeah, I wouldn't expect that. Everybody stays longer than me. The music started. Gareth Malone, is it? Oh, yes. The singing teacher.

He appeared from nowhere. The man of choir fame. Suddenly he appears. Oh. There's a flash mob. No. Of a choir. They all jump on the bar.

They start doing a sing-along of Hey Jude. Richard Curtis was enjoying himself. Now, can I say, there was a sort of a programme for the evening which included the lyrics to Hey Jude. Which slightly undermines the flash mob. Ah, right. Thing, doesn't it?

I was downstairs, so I just walked up. And of course, there'd be loads of people thinking, oh my God, Paul McCartney's going to turn up. There'd be a bunch of people who'd never seen it going to think of. Well, they were all wearing black T-shirts, and I didn't know because we walked in late. We were downstairs and we walked in. Sure, it wasn't an East European poppet troupe. Well, these people in black T-shirts

started shouting, hey, Jude, at us. And I thought, what's going on? Then Tiny Temper jumped on the bar. Tiny Temper was there? He was there. He could have been a magician. Gary Barlow. Yeah.

He jumped on the bar, started singing. Gary Barlow. Paloma Faith bar and started singing Gary Barlow Paloma Faith wow the bar was packed the bar was pumping the bar was full of stars stars and bars that's what they should have called the evening

well I left mid temper I think you often do you stormed out. We'll come back. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know I do this,

we were talking about earlier, Damab, this live show that people vote on. One of the questions this week was, do you think the government should be able to say how many children people can have? Oh, yes. I said the only problem with this is everyone's going to say no,

surely it's going to be like 80%. So no did win, but it was 52 versus 48. No. Yes. Weirdly high numbers. I know. Yeah, look forward to hearing those stats when they do Damab in China.

Well, China have gone up, this is what the story came from, China have gone up to two kids now you can have. Double bubble. Yeah. Well, they also said, would you call in sick with a hangover or something to work? And Daisy, producer, texted me back, absolutely unacceptable. Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Yeah. But I think... She's put us off the scent that way. I wondered if... I know that one, Frank. Absolutely not. I wondered if with the Brexit thing that maybe, you know, limiting the number of children is just another form of border control. Yes. You know, stop them coming

in. Or out. Yeah. They come in or come out? They come out. It's different, isn't it? But if you, if your child, if you work in customs, you'd probably say, oh, my child's coming in today. Oh, yeah. Especially when you

see the nurse put the rubber gloves on. Say, no, I don't think he'll be carrying anything. I love being in your mind sometimes. What about when Nancy DiLoglio turned up at this party? What? Oh, yes, I saw. Did you see that, Frank? I saw DiLoglio, yes.

Just a quick thought I'd mention. I love a DiLoglio sighting. I don't imagine she did any singing and dancing on the bar. No. She's got other fish to fry. She was part of the catering. Never knew that. I know, she does a fabulous paella. Where's got other fish to fry. She was part of the catering. Never knew that. I know, she does a fabulous paella.

Where's she from? Is she Italian? Yeah. It won't be paella, though. What are you talking about? Risotto. All right, I've just thrown it in. Let's go risotto.

Is that Italian? Yeah. Okay. There you go. If you've learnt nothing else today, risotto, it turns out, is Italian. There's been quite a lot of rice references. And George Eliot wrote mill on the floor. Yes, there you go.

So I like to think it's always good after any experience to think, what have I learnt from this? Yeah. Isn't it? Thank you so much for listening this morning. I always appreciate it. And bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. I always appreciate it. And bring on the feathers.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.