The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Failure Bin (Working Title)

Episode Date: January 3, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's a new year for Frank and the team and there are some new features on the show. Frank, Emily and Alun discuss their failures as well as Christmas, New Year and a trip to Email corner.

frank skinner on absolute radio with the big bold flavor of hp sauce making breakfast legendary you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8 a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio mobile apps and in london and the southeast on 105 radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yes, they're back.

And you can text the show on 8 12 15. Some of you already have. They're so keen, they are. And you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Frank. Happy New Year.

Thanks very much. Probably a little low-key start this morning, I think. Can I tell you, I have written to 2015, or 2015 as they say on Sky. Oh, yeah. Did I ever tell you that. I did a series of links with Joan Batewell for my Sky Arts programme and we said 2014 in every link

and then they said, sorry, you've got to do that again. It's Sky Policy that we have to say 2014. Oh, dear. What about when I watched the final of Sky Portrait Artist of the Year? Spoilers! Oh, my God, I loved it.

Did you? I absolutely loved it. But you didn't tell me Dame Serena McKellen was on, as I believe he likes to be called. Well, because the whole show is very hush-hush, you see. Oh, I loved it. I absolutely loved it. Well, it's been on! What do you mean it's hush-hush? It's been on now.

I never know, do spoilers stop at broadcast? Of course they do. Or do you have to allow for a bit of sky-plossing? I think we should allow for sky-plossing in the modern era. I know, but there's a limitation. I mean, it went out, you know, ten days ago. To hell with them. Can I say the right person won?

I didn't say their sex. I just said the right person won. Yes. Well, you know, the right person always wins in life, I find. Do you think? Yes, definitely. That is Reg's texting. Does the right person always win in life?

I think we might get a lot of no's and the odd yes. Yes. From people that have... I don't know if I get any yeses at all. Unless you text in. Well, now. Did I win or did I come a healthy fourth? You just say.

I tell you what I would like to ask our readers, though, is that I did the usual Christmas lunch thing. Oh, how was your turkey? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, my 78 quid turkey. All right, you don't have to tell the world, do you? When I went round to Frank's for Boxing Day and he gave me some poppadoms for my lunch?

That's it, you know, we're international. That is honestly what he gave me. I turned up for Boxing Day, I thought, oh, I'll get tucked into the turkey. Do you want some poppadoms then? Wow. She was going to say poppas and I did a throat-slitting signal and she changed it at the last minute.

Pulled me out of a bit of a broadcasting nightmare there for a second. Yes, so we had... Oh, I'll tell you what I did do, by the way. I wore my leather Christmas hat at Christmas dinner. It was a bit special, I must tell you. But more of that later, as Emily would say. What I wanted to talk about was, we had crackers. Yes.

Were they expensive ones or as the price? Well, the first cracker, how often do you get this in a cracker? One of those bookmarks that are like a metal clasp that fits on the top of the page. You know the ones I mean? Yeah. You know an at sign for a website? Yes. It looks like a metal version of that.

When did they become cracker-friendly? Bookmarks. I don't know. And then we had one, and I said, oh, look, boss, I said to my child, I said, it's a whistle. It wasn't a whistle. It was a small sellotape dispenser.

Oh, I'd actually like one of those. Yeah, but no one could find the end. It ruined, ruined a large part of the ride. It's a bit like this show. Yeah, exactly. It's a bit like this, uh, this particular feature, at least. And then a mini tape measure.

Did you get your crackers from Ryman's? The station are awesome. I love stations. But a mini tape measure, if you think about it from Ryman's? The station are awesome. I love stations. But a mini tape measure, if you think about it, it's a bit of a waste of time. I couldn't even trust... Not if you work in my office, it's not. I think they'd downsize the actual dimensions. I couldn't even

trust it. Frank, if you gave me a mini tape measure, I'd be so flattered. Okay, well, you can have that one. I'm having that. You can have the not a whistle salad tape dispenser, I believe that's what it's called. It should be called. So I'd like to know

our readers best and worst cracker gifts this Christmas. Worst preferably, but if you had some real goodies we'd love to hear that as well. I don't know, I can't imagine that happening on waste ground. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

One of our readers, who's called Zoe Loves Bikes, she says, we've had the crackers of which you speak. This year, just the shoehorn slash golf tees type. Oh, I don't think I've ever had a shoehorn in a cracker barely barely room is that well what i'd like is a shoehorn as as the shoe slips on and you pull the crack pull the um the shoe and it bangs i love that i traveled i toured with a shoehorn uh this this time you get to an age where you think oh i wouldn't mind a shoehorn this time. I won't speak like Gareth Richards. You get to an age where you think,

oh, I wouldn't mind a shoehorn, especially one of those full-length ones. Oh, what about a tortoiseshell? Love it. Yeah, beautiful. I mean, I've got some material that's been shoehorned into the overall show, but it's not... Don't put yourself down. I've told you about that before.

We do that. There's plenty of other people to do that in life. We've had a text, weird cracker gift I saw when I was in a rehab Christmas dinner for clients, a bottle opener. I genuinely got a bottle opener. We're a core audience, ladies and gentlemen. Your demographic, Frank?

I got a bottle opener in a Christmas cracker this year and I thought, oh, I probably won't use that. And about half an hour later, I found it on the shelf again and opened the bottle with it. You see? I love it when they find a use for that. I love it when life is that neat. Yeah.

Oh, it's beautiful. I was saying, I've written 2015. I've written that twice so far. And on both occasions I've sort of congratulated myself. Sort of thought, oh, remember? When you write 2014

to 2015, there's an element of self-loathing. What I love about you, you're so kind to yourself, aren't you? I just kind of feel like I'm on the ball now. Yes, and you are. And I'll tell you something else I did this morning. You know whenever I take money out of a

cash... What are they called? A cash point, darling. Yes, cash point. Hole in the wall things. I always think... That's where you take money out from, Alan. I always think I've got brass in pocket to myself, always. I remembered this morning, I put my socks on sing I've got brass in pocket to myself always I remembered this morning I put my socks on and I was standing up

and whenever I do that I always do the flute solo from Jethro Tull's Living in the Past because their lead singer and flautist Ian Anderson always stood on one leg Is that right? Yep

It's my life. Maybe I should be on Twitter. That's what they like, isn't it? They love things like that. Trivial rubbish from one's domestic world. So, yes, I'll tell you what I did do, though. I watched a documentary about Michael Landy, the artist. Michael Landy.

He has a thing, he has an art art installation called the art bin and it's an enormous breakfast radio keep it like okay it's a giant no but i'm i'm going to broaden it okay trust me hurry um i've never never completely lost a common touch i think you'll find um no it's so he has an enormous bin and artists go and put art that they think hasn't really worked, they go and put it in the bin. Oh, yeah. And it's quite a spectacle. And I wondered if it couldn't be generally applied to life.

Yeah. So I wondered if we could have a sort of a theoretical art bin and we could bring our failures to it. Oh, great. I thought I might start the ball rolling. Oh. The Brits. Sorry?

The Brits. No, not... She said it. Okay, I'll tell you, I will start off with the Brits, that's fair enough. This is me. Here it goes into the bin. Oh, Frank. It's strange, it sounds like it's been fired by a medieval pulley system that used to fire decayed cows into fortresses.

I've got something to nominate. OK. This may shock you. I'd like to nominate my appearance in Dare the Triffids. Oh. Listen, hear me out. I know I was young. Sci-fi classic.

That's a bit personal. Can I say that when I said sci-fi classic, I so wanted to say it to the tune of Hong Kong Fooey. Sci-fi classic, never seen a better guy. I know that's not the lyrics, but I can't remember. I know you're very kind to me, but I saw it recently. It was on. It's quite tragic that I watched it, but there you go.

No, you were right to watch it. I wasn't, because I was appalling. Oh, you were a child. People always say that, and that's what's interesting. They never say you were good, they say you were a child. And that's how I know it was bad. I find my dead brother in the flowerbeds. They never said that to Drew Barrymore.

I found my dead brother in the flowerbeds. And do you know how I said it? How the line? I remember the line. Go on, do it again. Please, please come and see what's happened to Tommy. The slight Cornish accent. You're right. I know if that had happened to you in real life,

you wouldn't have been that concerned. Those are my flowers! I think, I know this is a bit Room 101, and we shouldn't really vote, but I want that to go in, Frank. I'm sorry, it's going in. They're the trippids. Well, I'm going to play the Frank on Room 101 role here,

and say, well, hang on, if we put that in the failure bin, then what can you refer to as your moment in the sun in your childhood acting career all the way through your life from there on in? What about The Professionals? Is that not good enough for you? I didn't know you'd been in The Professionals. Can I just give you a bit of this?

This is the theme tune from Dare the Triffids, which I feel should be played at this point. Now, I'm going to see if I can handle this. OK, right. There you go. Oh, it's in. That was more technically difficult than you might think. I'm quite pleased with myself.

What a start to the year it's been. Fantastic. OK, well, I'm sorry to say that, because that is a sci-fi classic. No, but it's my choice, and I'm happy with it. Yes, and what I like is... I suppose what's difficult about it is normally I thought we'd comment on each other's choices, but you'll notice Al and I have been completely silent.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is from Kai in Streatham. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. I write this in the early hours of the morning from a coach ride. Oh, Dr. Johnson. Newcastle to London, where the podcast is providing comfort as we speed towards our 6 a.m. destination. Just a thought. Why does your show only have one feature? What would that be? Email corner?

Well, I don't know. May I suggest some others? Oh. Dean There Done That, in which Emily recounts an adventure from her week. Which she does every week anyway, we just don't have a name for it. Yeah. Yeah. Alternative version, Dean There, Don Black.

Emily deconstructs a contemporary musical libretto. Oh, I'd love to do that. I'd love to do that. That is a good one. My musical expertise. I like Dean There, Don Black. I might get my show off the back of that. Inner Skinnerd.

Did you do that fantastic punk documentary? Don Black. Yeah. Anyway anyway carry on inner skinnered i don't know i don't know about that frank reflects on someone showing their true colors with a musical bed of sweet home alabama oh you see i've got my uh i've got my heart set on a musical bed of i see your true colours shining through No, but then it's the Lynyrd Skynyrd reference. I know, I know. True colours, true colours

I see your true colours Can you just imagine that? It'd be so moving. It'd be so moving. On a scale of 1 to 10, how creepy was that, Alan? Well, I didn't like the fixed eye contact that I got for the last one. That's because I see your true colours. Okay.

Okay. Sort of a purple-red. What about Alan Adding? Actually, isn't all our true colours are slightly purple-red? Yeah. What about Alan Adding? Is that a pun on Aladdin? Well, hold your horses, you'll find out. Is it?

Alan hosts a phone-in of what three wishes the readers would choose, hopefully with many pantomime opportunities to use his Alan's mother impression. Oh, yeah, that sounds good. Keep up the good work, darlings. Kai and Streatham. Well, it's a fine missive from... Is it Kai or Kyle? Kai. Kai Green.

How do you spell Kai? K-A-I. How many questions? Well, I just... He's modern names. He's modern names! Sort of Dadaist naming of children. You throw some letters into the air and see where they land. Nevertheless. You're on thin ice.

It's a very fine email from Kai. I've often thought, you know, in fact, this time every year, I think, ooh, why don't, I think, ooh. And then I think, why don't, you know, when you listen to Christian O'Connell, he's got like 50 features going on, different regular bits and stuff. Her link. Makes it sound like they've done a bit of, you know, pre-planning. Oh, they plan it though, don't they? They're good.

Well, that's good, yeah, but we could have, you know, we could have a, maybe try adding one more feature and see how that happens. Right, the Aladdin one. Oh, it's funny that you went for that one. Yeah, we'll have a massive ego. What about Inlet Skinhead? The thing is about Al and Adin, surely we want to shorten your name to Al, don't we?

You can call me Al. Al Adin. Yeah. Oh, Aladdin. That works better than Kai's suggestion, doesn't it? That's just Aladdin, then. I've just been brought in to joke it up a bit. No, but that's just Aladdin.

No, not the way we say it, though. How do we say it? It's time for Al-adding. It's all kind of just sweet. That makes it sound like I'm doing maths. If it's Al-adding, I'm not doing that. That would be awful. Yes!

What about if we did that? Oh, I love that. So, every week, you or I take it in turns to give him a string of numbers and then he has to add them up. Oh, can we do it? Oh, please.

I love Al adding. I hate this feature. It's awful. 7, 18 and 23. This is the worst year of my life. 7, 18 and 23. 42 times 203. No, no.

One at a time. What's happened to this show? That was Al adding. There'll be more of that next week. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. 48.

Congratulations. How dare you? I keep my agency quiet. 7, 18 and 23. I had to do it with my pen. Absolute Radio. 48. Congratulations. How dare you? I keep my age a secret. 7, 18 and 23. I had to do it with my pen. Did you really do it? Yeah.

Oh, well done. Took me a while. Got there, though. You're hot. Thank you. We could have one called Alan Take Us and Alan Take Us. Take Us or Give Us and Alan Take Us Away. Oh, right. Oh, that's good. Carry on with the mathematical. take us and a land take us give us and a land take us away. Oh, right. Oh, that's good.

Carrying on with the mathematical theme. It's not as good as Al adding. I think we should come back to that. I enjoyed it. Okay, good. I think the fact that you managed to work that out, that's like a superpower to me. You know I'm phobic about numbers. It was quite a long song. I think three minutes to do three song numbers. Life's a long song.

But the tune ends too soon for a song. Must be Socks. Sermon was very strange this Sunday, wasn't it? You might notice I haven't suggested anything for the failure. Oh, we've had a text in for a failure, haven't we? Well, yeah, um, a tweet actually. Oh. From Monty Dariani. Wasn't he, uh, one of Sherlock Holmes's, uh, friends? I think, yeah, I think he fell down the

force. I like him best. Monty Dariani says I would like to nominate numerous attempts to get read out on my favourite radio. Hashtag failure bin, hashtag long time reader. It's no longer a failure now Monty Dariani. The trouble is we can't put you in the

failure bin because you've been read out Monty. Yeah. Is it life strangely twisted? I'll tell you, can I say, 101 started last night, Room 101. I love the way you called it 101. It's very in the trade. I went a bit, I went a bit.

Hi, it's Frank from 101. I was in the only fools and horses office once, and the phone went, and the director went, hello, fools. I loved it. Yes, they do that with 8 out of 10 cats. Cats. Is that what they call it?

Yeah. Hello, cats. What do they do when it's 8 out of 10 cats does countdown? Do they go, hello, countdown? Because that's really going to confuse things. It would be interesting to know how they get around that one. Anyway, 101.

And I did a... I'm going to call it a joke, in which I was talking about men's clothes sizes. I have to go into a shop and say I'll have a 15 and a half inch collar and a 42 regular chest and a 32 where my girlfriend just says 12 and she just gets everything.

And then Kath who was watching it with me said, 12! And then on telly I said, actually, can we do that again? In which I say 10. I would have gone 8. So she fell so perfectly into my comedy trap. It was, oh, it was a joyous moment. It must be like that moment when you're a,

when the caveman, he's sitting at home, and he goes, whoosh. Frank, please. You know when the net goes up with the antelope in it? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, imagine, whoosh. Oh, here we go.

Get the pan on. Get the pan on. I'm going to get the antelope Steve what are you doing in the net I said don't put it I said don't put it on this path Steve Yeah a little bit of

Caveman life Well that's not going in the failure bin Is it No that's our new feature That's our new feature Caveman Life. Caveman Life has been re-enacted by Frank Skinner.

Caveman Club, we could call it. It's a pun, don't you think? Caveman Club. I think I'd have gotten really well in Caveman Times. I can see you in a sort of Raquel Welsh fur bikini. Can you now, you filthy creep? Early. Early? 8.36.

You know, I was halfway through that sentence and I thought, no. No, there's something quite really sorry woman about me. That's actually a Ronnie Biggs quote. I was halfway through that sentence and I thought, no. Oh, it's great to be back, isn't it? Isn't it? Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We were talking about the failure bin we haven't really

got a proper name for it you see the art bin is a good name but it's not really art is it? Yeah what are we going

to call it then? I don't know someone will come in with a good title for it the bin where you put your failures finally

to rest It's not snappy put your failures finally to rest. It's not snappy, is it? I'm going to put... No, I don't think we can call it that. That wasn't a suggested title. That was a summary. It's a very big difference. Slogan, summary.

Come on. OK. I think I'd like to put in my right shoulder. Why? Because my right shoulder is a bit um well it's always been a bit rounded slightly turned in just the right yeah just the right so i look sometimes when i'm speaking to people i notice they're leaving me space they think i'm about to veer off sharply to the left i look like have you ever arrived at your house carrying things

and you realise that the keys are in your left-hand pocket and you have to reach across into the opposite pocket? That's what my shoulder is always like. Oh. It's turned... I went to... I have done a series of... I've had physiotherapy to try and lift it back.

Yeah. With, you know, weights and, like, stretchy things you have to pull on. Oh, resistance bands. Yeah, I like those. Yeah, With, you know, weights and like stretchy things you have to pull on. Oh, resistance bands. Yeah, I like those. Yeah, all resistance bands. Yeah, they were good. I like that one Weird Nazis. Remember that band? That resistance band. Please don't do

that. What? You can't do a French resistance. Move on. So, yeah, so I've given up on it. I'm going to leave it round. On the shoulder? I'm going to put it in the bin. Do you know what? I think you've got a lovely little physique.

No. You can't put one of your shoulders in the bin, though. I think I can, this one, because it's something I have worked at, so it feels like a failure in my efforts to correct it. You've tried to improve it, and it's failed. If I wear a slogan T-shirt, people can never read the first part of it, because my shoulder is so collapsed on that side, it just rings there. It's actually collapsed now.

Isn't there sort of a bra thing that you can wear? No, I need a brace. What I need is somebody... You know when you said that thing when someone puts the knee in someone's back and pulls their shoulders back? I need that. There's no one I trust that much. So people say to me,

key says relax. What's that mean? And then I have to stretch it out to show them the phone. So I'd like to put my right shoulder into the bin. Okay, I think I'll allow that. I've got a bit of Hello 101. I worry about the impact it's going to have on your right arm. Like, surely you need it there to dangle your arm off.

No, he doesn't need that. I don't need that anymore. Oh, that's disgusting. What? What are you talking about? I know what you're talking about and you're disgusting. No, you don't. You're reading things into.

You are. I'm not that comic anymore. Also, I think there's something I also need to put in the bin. What is it? Do you remember when I talked about going to the Rembrandt exhibition? Do I ever? And I pointed out the fact that, well, I don't know if I did point it out, but in fact his full name is Rembrandt von Rhein.

Yeah. And I said we had to really, you know, speed through it. It was like von Rhein's Express. Now, in order to get, it got nothing as it did then, again. How many more times will you try it? How many more have to die?

I'm about to put it in the failure bin. In order to get it, I think you need to know that his name's Rembrandt van Rijn, and also you need to know the film Von Rijn's Express. You need to know both of them. And even if you know them, it's not funny. It's just sort of... It's like watching someone do a jigsaw, is what it's like.

You think, yes, they fit together, but what of it? Frank, you know you're putting it in the bin? Yes. He will kill again. You will do the stuff. No, I won't do Von Rheins Express again. This is it. I don't know, you've done that ER joke a lot.

We're just going to talk about things he's done a lot. Yes, yes. Don't bring up the Philip Glass gig. Half full or half... Oh. It goes Von Rheins Express. There you go. Gone forever.

I like it's been individual jokes in the bit. It was more than that. It's going to be a long night. From a 25-year-long career, individual jokes. There's something about fall that's failed. Oh! Hey! Good for you.

Unfortunately, three of them were serious. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. One of our readers, 523, he says, read something for the failure bin. How about my email corner jingle attempt that got shot down in favour of Toby Riding's version? That's from Mash in Battersea.

I love that he knows his enemy's name. So who is it from? So this is from Mash in Battersea, and his email got shot down in favour of Toby Riding's version. So is Mash Matthew Mays? I believe so, yeah. Yeah, this was Matthew's thing. I'm not convinced you made the right decision. Oh, you talked over the bin.

Yeah, because, not for the first first time i'm not convinced you made the right decision well anyway um yeah that's a it's a very good call that though it is excellent and and as i'll point it out very interesting that he remembers the name of the winner yeah like you might have had to put it on a voodoo doll his nemesis that'll be his rosebud on his deathbed. He'll say that Toby Riding. We've also had a suggestion for the actual name of this, let's call it a feature.

Oh, is it a feature? I think we should call it a feature. 198 has texted Frank, how about the Maggie Failbin? Oh, because of Maggie Failbin. Failbin, yeah, the Put In Brackets Failbin, which is fail bin and oh because of Maggie fail bin fail bin

yeah they put in brackets fail bin which is and somebody's just texted Frank what about the bin of failures

John leads yeah it's a bit imaginative John it's another summary that it's a bit von Ryan's express

how dare you it's in the bin you can't bring that up I like Maggie fail bin I do that's really good in. You can't bring that up. I like Maggie Failbin. I do. Maggie Failbin's good. That's really good.

In case you don't remember, she was married to... Cheggers. Cheggers. Cheggers. And she did Tomorrow's World. I got that right? She did. I remember from Saturday morning. She really stood by that man as well.

Did she? God, she must have been covered in vomit. Frank! Anyway. Hi, Frank. What about Bin laid on? Yes. It works.

I don't know. I don't know if I want to do that every week. No. Before this word gets round. Yeah. No, I think we're safer with followers of Maggie Philbin. Yeah, straight on. You've said Albignor, haven't you?

Albignor. No, it's Albiniar. Is it? Okay, sorry, it corrected me on my bad country pronunciation. Emily Dean. You might notice that I haven't suggested anything for the failures bin. Oh, what have you got? We've only got a three hour show. I literally can't, I literally can't think of

any. Oh, come on. I can't. That's what I'm here for. Actually, the Maggie Philbin, where any oh come on i can't that's what i'm here for i've uh actually the uh the maggie fail bin where they've put in brackets phil bin i did a version of that i went into um a well-known chicken eatery uh called nando's oh yeah got the apostrophe see i was thinking southern fried i was going dixie cottage and uh there was some guys in wearing togas and I said to my brother, oh, do you think they ordered their chicken toga? Toga. And I couldn't get it to work. I was halfway through trying. You did not say that. I did, yeah. It feels like that

could work with your accent as well. It nearly works. Enough to try it and then as you've articulated it you realise this is a fail. Feels like that could work. On what planet could that work? I don't know. I think we can workshop it. We can save this joke. No, let's just put it in the bin. Okay, okay, I'll put it in the bin. Let me just find the... Here we go. Goodbye to the chuga.

Chicken chuga. It has gone. Funny old bin, isn't it? I'd also like to put in a patch of my face where my beard has refused to grow I've got a full beard but there's a little chunk that just I'm going to have to keep moving my head now

because I don't actually want you to zoom in on it but it's like it's thwarting the rest of my face I think you'll find there was a witch buried there in the 14th century You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I was scrolling through the emails that we've received yesterday. This would have been a great opening line to The Laughing Gnome by David Bowie. What, I was scrolling through the emails? I was scrolling through the emails. And I thought I'd stumbled on an argument-based text because I thought it said, Rowing into the new year.

Oh. Here's the email. Greetings all. I've always found New Year's Eve to be a slightly passive affair, standing around glass in hand or watching Jules Holland on the tell year. Here's the email. Greetings all. I've always found New Year's Eve to be a slightly passive affair standing around glass in hand or watching Jules Holland on the telly. I decided that this year would be different. The stroke of midnight saw me seated on my rowing

machine and with a heart rate of 152. Everyone singing Auld Lang Syne. I rowed into 2015. Did he row with his arms crossed? Auld Lang All anxiety style. I really felt as though I had left one year and moved into the next as I dismounted.

All the best for 2015, Birdie. I think we are all assuming that that is a he, aren't we? Without knowing. Yeah, probably it's a he. Yeah. Dismounted is a very male thing to do. What kind of lady rows from one year into the next? Oh, I don't know.

We could probably, if we could remember the names of those ones that won medals, we could probably say that. But of course, they were just those rower women. So fleeting their fame, the rowers. Ellen MacArthur is one of them. Oh, yes. She's a soldier or something. Oh, possibly.

Oh, yeah. She's one of those people you think, oh, I'd actually like her to be my friend. Yes. She seems very solid. Wouldn't go shopping for clothes with her, though. Reliable. Well, maybe if I was going to an army scene. Oh, yeah, surplus.

But they rode from one year into the next. What do we think of that? Gang. I think that's good. Yeah? I like that. I think it's about time we... Because we did the traditional Auld Lang Syne stand in a circle thing this year.

Did you have your non-alcoholic wine, Frank? On the stroke of midnight? I did, actually. Lovely. Yes, it gave a whole new... And we were in Rosilly in Wales on the Goa coast, singing a Scottish song. I mean, how British. You'll see, I'm so glad we're still together. And yes, I'd forgotten to take my non-alcoholic wine and then Adrian Childs arrived like the cavalry, not only with non-alcoholic wine

but with non-alcoholic champagne. No. The night's the invented champagne. it's like that was it yeah he knows where to find booze adrian well yes yes well even non-alcoholic so yes so yeah i was in uh that's where i was rossilli and i but i i think rowing into that i i don't think we do enough with the New Year. I think that's a clever, interesting... And also, it's... It's original. It's like the kick-off to that fitness, you know, that two-week fitness regime that we all like to do at the beginning of the year. Absolutely, yeah.

It's good. Stick it on the end of last year. Yes. Good work. That's what I say. I celebrated New Year's Eve in Manchester, but on time. Well, you didn't then, because they were late. Well, only the city centre fireworks, which, this is a fun story, isn't it? I like this.

There's a funny video on the website for this news story of them being like, ten, nine, and they do the full countdown and then no fireworks. And then a guy comes on and goes, sorry, the fireworks are delayed because there's a tram right in the firing zone. That's the most northern thing that's ever happened. It's really... A tram pulled into the station. Was it 1825? It's great.

So they actually... Apparently it was 1204. 1204. And you being a fan of rejecting the oppressive 12ths the firework display I was elated I've been working towards this for a year and then Manchester have their

new year at 1204 I felt like it was like Joanna Lomley and the Gurkhas Let's hope it doesn't backfire the way that did My efforts have not been wasted It was very moving. 15,000 people waited for it to get started. Yeah.

It must have been like the Brits. Oh. Oh. Oh, gosh. It's in the bin now, Frank. It's in the bin. It's in the bin. Well, I must say, in Rossilly, the fireworks happened at 12.30.

Did they really? So everything's a slower out there. Oh, I quite like that, though. I looked out the window, and there they were going off, and I could see the sheep in the field, and I thought, you know they're here to put your pets away? Yeah, yeah. During the fireworks.

Doesn't that apply to, like, barnyard animals? Or livestock. Do they not get alarmed? Do you think they'd be more alarmed? Because at least the pets hear, like, alarm clocks going off and stuff like that, you know. And EastEnders and people rowing. Yeah, Doctor Who cranked up on the telly.

But we were in a field and then there's fireworks. It must be absolutely terrifying. I'm glad you've said this because I began this year with one of my most boring sentences ever. After a very loud firework display, I turned to my wife and said, that was really loud and we're only half a mile from a nature reserve. Already a possibility

for one of my quants of the year. Fantastic work. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We're talking about Manchester's tardy fireworks and Kate Renton has tweeted us to say that a butlin set theirs off at 7.03pm on New Year's Day.

Oh, it's working. Brilliant. My revolution is working. Do they still have people... Do they still eat next to those glass windows where people are swimming in the pool, the butlins? I always remember thinking as a kid, does it get any better than that?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You see people having their dinner and, like, Dad goes past underwater. I always think butlins looks really nice. Why don't we all go? Why don't we go for a work's outing? Yes.

Well, it's a bit of a busman's holiday for me. You know, I did a couple of summers as a red. Oh, of course you did. Oh, were you a red, were you? Yeah, just for a couple of summers. Wonder West, Wonder West. This is the holiday we love best. Lots of fun for everyone here at Wonder West World.

Oh, fine. I did. I hope it was delivered with a bit more gusto. It was. No, I think we know it wasn't. Did you ever do a diner swim past? I didn't, not to my knowledge. Did they have that facility?

I don't think they did. Did they have announcements? Did you do announcements and things? I did the odd announcements. I don't think I've ever heard of people doing a diner swim past. Are you thinking about an aquarium where there's a dad lost in? No, the pool was situated next to the dining hall and then there was a glass wall. No, thinking about an aquarium where there's a dad lost in the pool? No, the pool was situated next to the dining hall and then there was

a glass wall. No, I know what you mean, yeah. You can look at the swimmers. Lovely. I don't know about the hygiene. By the way, do people still put their pets away on the 5th of November? I don't seem to hear that mentioned anymore. We put our quite

nervy whippet at the best of times into her little bed and put the radio up loud during the fireworks. Radio up loud? What do you put on? She likes... I've got a set of Dr. Dre beats you can put on her. Oh, that would be great, actually.

What if she escaped? What if she run off and someone saw that? That's a bit weird, Frank. The dog all locked up with the radio. Yeah. It's like being an old age pensioner. She likes it. We put her in a coat as well, because it's a little bit chilly in there.

It is like being an old age pensioner. Too many layers, radio on, locked in the house, terrified. See, Frank wouldn't ever let old Shep up to the bedroom. He did it once, and what did he do? He destroyed the eiderdown. He ripped a hole in the eiderdown. He ripped a hole in the eiderdown. And defecated on the bedside.

She does not go upstairs. She does not go upstairs. She stays down. That's been said of me many a time. We did for a little while try to give her a positive memory of fireworks. Every time a firework went off, we would give her a teaspoon of salmon spread or fish patty. Every time a firework went off? Every time.

And to be honest, it's a logistical nightmare. Millennium night was a nightmare for her. It's worse than plate spinning. It's trying to keep that many spoons on the go. So it's the salmon paste you give her? Yeah, she just didn't want it after a while. No, I should think not. Yeah. 15th Roman Candle's gone off.

She was looking for it. That's the firework by anyone who's alarmed. Anyone who's going to phone the RSPCA. Well, that's... Strange way to spend New Year's Eve, getting fed salmon paste every two minutes. That's what I'm doing. I've decided

I'm not going to do the rowing. I'm going to do a spoonful of salmon paste for every firework. And the radio on. I'm going to start at 10am with the Samoan celebrations and go through the whole day. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Frank, Emma has tweeted us to ask,

have you just invented Room 101? Talking about the, what's it called again, Maggie Felbin? Maggie Felbin. The thing is, that's things you don't like, Room 101, whereas this is things that you've, you know, once you thought were going to be great from your own personal life. So failures and pet hates are a bit different, I think. Also, if anyone can use the Room 101 format on their radio show,

you'd think I might get away with it. Thank you very much for asking, Emma. I think you'll find it's called 101. You know what, Emma? No, not really. Let's see if I can get her back out. That's all right, here she comes. Oh, that flap's put quite a nasty mark on the top bridge of your nose.

It's not the first time you've said that. Sorry about that. Trigaran Percival... Sorry? ...has just... That's OK. ...has just nominated Alan for what's called an accidental partridge, which is when someone says something on Twitter and sounds a bit like Alan Partridge, and you've had that.

So I think you're now on accidental partridge for saying those fireworks were really loud, but we're only half a mile from a nature reserve. But can it be an accidental partridge if you're pointing it up as something stupid that you said? I didn't think it was stupid. I just thought it was fundamentally boring. This is the most embarrassing three minutes.

But I am going to embrace my boringness in 2015. I know you may think I already had in previous years, but I'm really going to get a hold Taking it in a bear hug. Yes. I'm really going to have it this year. So I don't think that quite qualifies because he knows. I think you have to not know for an accidental part Good

Oh okay professional Twitter Gareth Watts has tweeted us I wish I could be like Gareth Watts Far far far far far far Thanks Brit's performance Should come out of the bin I still chuckle when I think of his Apex twin gag

I don't know was that twin gag? Was that the... I remember calling him the Cornwall Craftwork, but I can't remember. Anyway, some think... Well, thank you. Thank you for that. I can't reach it. It's too far down. Hold on, is that... Can I...

No. Sorry. We need to take a little wander, I think, don't we? It's been a while. I take a little wonder on a sunny morning. Come on, sing it. I don't know it. No, no.

Nor does anyone. It really is a treat. So all our listeners born in 1940. I can't. You'd have to be a bit earlier than that I think Here it comes Here you go Okay, let's kick off with Gail from New York City

Tell me about the girl from New York City Well, she says, Dear Frank M&L, long-time reader, first-time caller. Lovely. Being a painter... Oh, painter, New York City. Wow, how glamorous. What's her name? Gail.

Yeah, she's got everything. She'll appreciate that joke of yours as well. Von Ryan's Express one that no one else likes. Will she? Why? Because she's a painter. Yeah, she doesn't know painterly things. But she's too young to know Von Ryan's Express. Nevertheless. Being a painter, I often look through magazines

to get inspired by colour combinations. Really? Imagine my dissatisfaction when paging through a well-known fashion mag, I wonder which one that was, to come upon a leather crown. She's written that in caps. when paging through a well-known fashion mag, I wonder which one that was, to come upon a leather crown. She's written that in caps. That's how excited she is.

Surely this is a case of an accessories-based, I'll have in that. Caps, I think you'll find, is a hat-based blog. She's written it in caps, so that's why she's gone straight there with the crown. A leather crown yarn. It was priced at? Yarn. It was priced at, for a leather, well, mine was free.

I'd have paid a tenner for it. Okay. This was a cool, as they say in tabloids. Oh, it's a lot if it's going to be a cool. This was a cool $595 insult to injury. So what are we talking? That's £350 roughly, is it? Hang on, let me do some adding.

Oh, yeah, Aladdin. Thanks. Can you ask Aladdin? Where's the jingle? Hold on. Where's the Al-Addin jingle? It's about 1.5, Al. Here we go, Al.

I believe. Here we go. $1 to the pound. God. 595. 400. I don't know. I think that sounds about right.

Can't do that. What about that's Al adding brackets badly? Those brackets. Can someone clever confirm, is it about 400? It's a lot. But that's a lot of money for a leather crown. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a lot of money for anything. Well, Emily works in the fashion industry, and apparently one of the things that you have to do is fashion journalism industry, I suppose. Yes. One of the things you have to do is fashion journalism industry i suppose yes one of the things you have to do is when you're rubbing the sleeve of the garment you have to think how many seasons am i going to wear this yes and how much is it going to add up to per wear you have to do cost per wear very good now i'm going to come out on a limb here and say i don't think you're going to get that many costs per wear out of a leather crown. I mean, how many times a year do you think you're going to wear that out of 365 degrees?

Remember, I saw mine very much as a Christmas hat, but this might be, like, one might wear a tiara to a socialist engagement. Not socialist, socialite. That sounds like overdressing. If you're listening, don't wear a tiara to a socialist engagement. I love the idea of that. That's the sort of thing I'd do. You'd be tarred and feathered. Let me check my diary for the socialist workers party.

Do you know what, Frank? It's my tiara back from the dry closure. Tiaras at socialist engagements. That's my autobiography title. Yes. Well, I wore... Well, I'll come to this shortly, but I did... I actually wore my leather crown out over Christmas.

You didn't. I did. Oh, that's so embarrassing. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So you wore your crown out in public. Yes. I went on Hampstead Heath on Christmas Day.

In a crown. In a golden crown. No one would have thought you were an escapee. No. I hope it doesn't work like the old collared hanky in the back pocket. Kat said to me, oh, God, are you going to wear that? I said, yeah, it's Christmas Day. She said, you look like Bart Simpson.

Good shout. And I thought, what I look like was... You know when you see people who aren't as famous as they used to be and they've tried to keep their old hairstyle or moustache so people still recognise them? Yes. It looked like an ageing Bart Simpson had stopped with his boyish haircut to still get recognised.

It's like Dickie Davis with the badger streak. I think he was stuck with that. But, I mean, like, Willie Thorne has to keep that black moustache. He has to keep dying it black otherwise people wouldn't know who he was. Mystic Meg. Willie Thorne, snooker plan. Mystic Meg and the black bob. See, exactly.

I've heard that gossip. But I noticed at Christmas lunch I wore But I noticed at Christmas lunch, I wore it for that, and everyone else had paper hats on, and I sort of felt... I don't know how I felt. I felt like... You know when people have their own ice skating boots at the skating rink?

They have to be a bit better at skating than everyone. I felt I had to be better at Christmas dinner. It's very own ice skating boots. But then, the pressure's on. I was generally more jovial. Yeah. And, you know, I... This is... I really sort of thought, once you wear the leather

Christmas hat, you've got to be Mr. Christmas. You have to step up. It's like you've got to be an uber-proficient ice skater. You're absolutely right. I've never... I don't think I've ever pulled a cracker with that much vigor no i really was whoa it's a tiny tear measure everybody did people ask about the leather crown it's not that kind of area there was no one i've heard there was was no none of that. Some of your locals. Yeah, but there was rarely a word is exchanged. Non-verbal communication.

Yeah. Yeah, no, nobody did. I put the crown on on Boxing Day. Boxing Day? Yeah, when I went round to Frank's. You went to visit. Oh, you did, yes. Let her have a go on the crown.

I had a go on the crown. I let her have a go on the crown, yeah. And it really helped my nice festive eating poppadom crisps experience, I felt. Yes. Well, I thought, well, I just thought you'd be fed up with turkey by then. You weren't getting any of mine at that price. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

Live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Christmas is what we were talking about at the time. I went to Mass over Christmas. I went to 6 o'clock Mass on Christmas Eve. What was that open on Christmas Day? Is it lovely? Christmas Eve I went. They have a children's Mass on Christmas Eve. It's a bit late. What is that? What's this Mass thing you're speaking about? It's like, you know, a church thing. They have a children's mass on Christmas Eve. It's a bit late. What is that? What's this

mass thing you're speaking about? It's like, you know, a church thing. They're getting in on Christmas. Yeah, I know. Everyone wants a piece of it. We've jumped on the bandwagon. Or was it an S? We've jumped on the S. So, you know,

it was packed. Packed. And I thought, isn't it weird? The two big things in my life, alcohol and religion, and both of them are ruined at Christmas by part-timers turning up. You know, Christmas, you can't get to the bar. And I always used to think, as a drinker, where were you people?

5.30 on a Tuesday when I was in here. Can I be honest? On my own. I feel that about New Year's Eve, when the champagne drinkers come out. Yeah. Where are you the rest of the year? Suddenly you can't get it for love nor money.

But I took Boz. Boz fell asleep on the way there. So he woke up halfway through the service and was a bit startled to find himself in a Catholic church, like he was one of those kidnapped Jewish babies from the 19th century. And he started screaming the place down in panic. It took me back to those times I used to wake up during midnight mass in the 80s. Did he start screaming? Was it like the omen?

It was, I had to take him out. Oh, that's embarrassing. Do you think that means he's an unbeliever? I don't mean that. I don that's embarrassing. Do you think that... When I say I had to take him out, I don't mean... I don't mean I put a gun to his... I mean, I had to take him out of the church. He was screaming the place down. It was terrible.

Sounds like he's not religious. Maybe he should go back. Well, that's what... That's Kat's theory. But I'll tell you what, on that, if I may, I had a bit of a terrible old parent. You know, old parents like myself are always a bit, you know, you're a bit insecure about being a bit older. And I took him to the playground, the local playground.

I won't have that, Frank. I think it makes you a better parent. Well, you know, we'll see. And it was locked, the playground. But there was kids playing on the things. So, you know, Boz was pointing at kids playing on the slides and the swings and stuff and there were parents in there. I couldn't work it out. And then a guy said to me,

oh, you have to just climb over the fence to get in. Do you know, I looked at it and I thought, I'm not confident. I'm not confident I can get over that fence. It's a terrible moment. You needed Gary Lineker to do his little move.

2015 my inner bore would have been like actually that's breaking an entrance son I don't think we'll be doing that. Well I tried to pass it off as my citizen, good citizen, but really I thought, how terrible, he can't play on the place. As we walked away, he kept pointing at the other children with younger parents who climbed him.

Oh, it was a terrible, terrible moment. And then Kat said, well, if one of them gets really injured, of course, and there's no one there, I don't know what's going to... And I thought, that made me feel a bit better, that idea. But I'll tell you what turned it round for me, is how much Pinocchio... Did you? I haven't seen that in a while.

It was the classic old dad story of Geppetto, beyond the child-bearing or rearing age. And then he has a puppet. He builds a child out of wood. Yeah. And there's a bit where... Isn't that what Simon Cowell did? He did.

And Michael Jackson. Yes, I believe so. Yeah, it still goes on. Yeah. But he... There's a bit where Pinocchio's swallowed by the whale. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember it scarred me for life.

And he's on a raft with Geppetto, the old dad Oh, yeah. Yeah, because I remember it scarred me for life. And he's on a raft with Geppetto, the old dad, rowing. And Geppetto sort of rolls his trousers up to row.

And I remember, now this is how pathetic I am when I get my inspiration. I remember watching that now, Christmas Day or something,

and thinking, do you know what though, he's got very muscular legs for an old man. Yeah. Eh? Do you have a man crush on Geppetto? On a cartoon.

You know, you're not... I thought you're not written off, you know, just because you've got white hair. You can still be quite athletic. You can. That's my inspiration to get ripped in 2000. Geppetto. It's Geppetto. I have the same thing where I covet the physique of Thor, Batman, lots of people that are drawn.

Do you know, that's the strangest person you fancied, Frank, since the Caramel Bunny. Yes. Well, I was worried about the Caramel Bunny because she had heavy make-up on like she'd escaped from a research laboratory. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio You know what we haven't talked about this morning? Me! My Christmas

Oh, your Christmas Yeah, I had a lovely Christmas, thank you very much for asking Good My favourite present? Some lint rollers I got a value pack of four Best present ever And my dream came true Is that for flattening your chocolate bun? Some lint rollers. Oh, you did. I got a value pack of four. You did hit her at that one, I'm sure. Yeah, and my dream came true.

Is that for flattening your chocolate bunnies that you got at Easter? How dare you? Okay, sorry. I don't ever want to flatten those. No, I've heard some terms for them, but that was... Do you know, I felt stiff with stress over the festive period, though. Did you? Because I realise it's very much...

Over Christmas, you have to go a bit We Three Kings of Orient are, don't you? When you turn up to people's gaffes, you have to bring presents. Well, we have a bit of debate about this, because me and Kath are pretty bad at that. We tend to turn up with nothing. OK. Except ourselves. OK, you bring comedy.

Well. But I, I got a bit nervous. I feel I should turn up to something. So I'm going to Frank's on Boxing Day. I got fed poppadoms. And, um. They are the king of the. Why not?

That's why you had your crown on. Yeah, exactly. But I thought, I know what I'll do. Our management, our mutual management company, We Three Kings, we get sent her a hamper, don't we, which is very nice. Some other hamper. I thought, I'll just delve into the hamper. But then, of course, I realised Frank got the self-same hamper. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, how did that happen? Surely my hamper should be bigger. Is it not done on your service? It's not the army. So I went to get the chocolate biscuits and I thought, well, I can't go for that. So I'm gonna, I had to go for the Christmas pudding sent to me by Dior. Oh, nice.

Yeah, that was. Which was from Claridge's. No. That was quite exciting. I handed it over. Frank looked so happy. The face on him. Oh, that was great.

And Sandy Mason was there, my mother-in-law, and she was particularly delighted because they love a sweet thing the elderly do. Oh, they do. They spend all night waiting for the dessert trolley. I tried to find a Murray Mint flavor pudding for her. You can tell they're not taking part in the conversation. They're just listening for the rattle.

But the problem with it was, and I didn't say this to you or Sandy Mason, so I'm using the radio show. Is it injected with mercury by terrorists? No. Too late, we've eaten it now. I thought I was feeling a bit forlorn. Forlorn. I'm using the radio show. Is it injected with mercury by terrorists? No. Okay. Too late, we've eaten it now. I thought I was feeling a bit forlorn. Forlorn?

That's what it brings out in you, doesn't it? Forlornness. No, it was a very expensive porcelain presentation dish. Oh. And as I saw Sandy Mason open it, I thought, I'm having that with the porcelain presentation dish. Oh. So Frank had some. I thought, I hope everyone eats this so I can take the dish. Uh-huh.

But I couldn't. So you still got the dish. I think you all find that qualifies as packing. Well, doesn't it? Because I ask you to look within yourself and see how you feel every time you see that dish. Do you think I should get that dish or he should? Oh, you're asking me as judge?

Yes. Oh. Judge Grinder. I don't. Judge Gr judge? Yes. Judge Rinder. I don't... Judge Grinder? No. Judge Judy? It's still working.

I don't know. Is it broken, the dish? Has the dish subsequently survived? God, no. Yes, of course. God, we weren't that feverish. Well, I just... What, you think me and Sandy

was like a couple of dogs fighting over a bow? With salmon paste. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Wasn't like two whippets fighting over salmon paste at a bonfire event. I don't know who to... Maybe our readers could decide.

Morally. Who gets to keep the dish? Whose dish? Who owns the carriages dish? Text in. Because Emily said, this is what I bought you. Now, when she said this, as far as I was concerned, it was the whole package.

But I suppose she could have meant, this is what I bought you. And it's in this, which is still mine. If it was homemade, you would have returned it. That's all I'm saying. If it was homemade. Was it homemade? Let's go to some music.

More importantly, let's go to some adverts. OK. That's what puts the food on the table In the first place Claridge's or no This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio What about I've got to do my thing I hate that thing

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I like the way you read that. It was very Terms and Conditions. It was, wasn't it? Very T's and C's. Yes, so... Oh, I know what I wanted to talk about.

Go on. What about when I played shops with Buzz? Oh, I loved it. Played shops? Yeah. It's Frank's little boy, Buzz. Buzz has got a... I'm aware of the characters in this.

Just haven't quite heard you. He's got a shop, sort of a, you know, a till, and he's got one of those swipe things. Oh, he's even got the microphone, so you can call for assistance. Yeah, so you can say, oh, next customer. It can do all that stuff. Brilliant.

I bought him a present called My First Black Taxi. Little book. Oh, nice. So that's lining him up for his career. A shop worker or a taxi driver. Yeah, so he's in his fancy house, playing shops. It's like Marie Antoinette's dairy. But he got a bit confused, because I went to pay.

I mean, there was all sorts at the shop. Frank was like the stockroom boy, kept running to get stock. I got an orange, cornflakes and a cucumber, all for £2. Every one was £2. Well, Daisy said... £2. Cathy said that. I said, how much?

She went, everything's £2. He only knows £2. Yeah, oh, good. went, everything's two pounds. He only knows two pounds. Yeah. Oh, good. I gave him too much money. He ran over to Frank. He said, Emily's given me too much money. He panicked a bit.

Little stage whisper. He did. So Frank ran back. He said, well, just give her some back. Brilliant. Change. Good. I got change.

But I noticed, it did make me think, actually, because I realised i really miss playing profession-based games because i used to play agents with my sister you were younger role play we used to play agents theatrical agent yeah so we pick up the phone pretend to smoke with a pencil and pretend we had a whiskey because we thought they just had whiskey and smoked all day. I think there's some truth in that. OK. And we always used to say, we'd say, yes, hello, yes, you can do that, £10, 11 o'clock,

thank you, bye-bye. Brilliant. And then we'd put the phone down. That is fantastic. That's essentially what your agents do for you. Not for £10, they don't. No, mine does nine. He likes odd numbers.

No, I can't remember if I was always like superhero and a cowboy and stuff like that I like the fact that Emily of all people I thought you were a theatrical agent Of course Daisy Let us not forget Ran, what was her name?

Julie's Cabs Did you ever play profession based games I imagine you were A sort of blacksmith Probably yeah I was like a local farrier Yeah

Something like that No I can imagine that When you're like Bring him in on Tuesday We'll do left forelock I haven't I can't remember playing Profession based games

As a child But I played them recently With my daughter Who You know those little Sort of things that you kind of draw on, like a magnet, and it kind of makes the picture? Oh, yes, I know. It's a sketch. Like a little, tiny version of that.

No, they're a smaller version. I know them. And she picks it up, and I don't know if this proves that we eat out a lot with our children, but she picks it up and holds it as if she's a waitress. She goes, what would you like and then she sort of takes our order in quite a sort of strange um oh i like that but you do quickly run out of ordering normal food and start going i'll have pizza and ice cream please and because she's in the same order yeah you just put it all in, because it's not real. It's not actually coming out of the bag. She could work in your suites.

She could work in your suites. You see, we used to play restaurant owners. We were a little bit more ambitious. Well, you're a different class, aren't you? What did you do? You sang out with local hoodlums. You know, those things that you're talking about, those notepads, one of those things.

You know when you see kids' magazines, they're not like... You get the human magazine you get humans kids are non-human the adult magazines human magazines

my kids are miscellaneous one thing that I don't see on men's magazines is you don't get big free things no you don't no on women's you get like

you get like makeup bags on kids I buy a magazine for Buzz. It's got, like, nine action figures and a suit. And a suit inside the cellophane.

There's nothing free on men's magazines. You might get a CD. Tops! You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'm getting a bit bored, though. Now, this is what I don't like when January comes and Christmas is over

it's these dry January people I can't bear them I actually can't bear them either give it up entirely or push the hell on through that's what I'm doing I'm pushing the hell on through no alcohol thing such a rubbish thing

either give up and be Frank Skinner or be me. There is no other thing in the middle. That's the choice. Can I throw in another choice? Yes. Like, rather than giving up for four weeks when everybody else is, just be vaguely interested and give up for eight weeks at a different time of year. Or three weeks.

Just try not to be so clichéd. It's such a modern cliché. Oh, I'm not going to drink any during January. Good impression. They're exactly the same people that I would be quite happy if they gave up water during January. I'd be fine with that. They're so smug as well.

I don't drink. I don't drink. Here's another suggestion for a sort of compromise. What about canuary, in which you only drink beer out of cans? That's a good idea. That's a great idea, Frank. So you stay out of the pubs generally. I'm going to do that. Yeah, can you really?

I think I'd look great with a can. Also, Dry January, is that the best name they could come up with? What about Bannery, in which you ban a drink? You know, like Movember, they've made an effort there. They have. Bannery. Bannery. I can imagine, as someone who was once...

Dry January could just dry white wine for me. That's a good point. Yeah. Frank, you were someone who was once... You were pretty fond of alcohol. How dare you? It's fair to say. No, but you were.

Do you find the dry January people very irritating because they're just flirting with abstinence? Well, I mean, it is pretty poor, isn't it? A month. Yeah well i mean it's it is pretty poor isn't it a month yeah why bother small beer to you isn't it good good there's so many ponds there it's like a multi-ringing that's like the singing ringing tree of ponds if you remember that i um i if it's not being used to help it movemberg is a charity thing isn't it is it money raised i I think dry January might be as well. Well, actually 869 has texted. Some guys, some of us

are doing it for cancer research in January. That's Ray and Bexley. That's a difference. Just because I'm drinking in January doesn't make me pro-cancer, does it? It's ridiculous. Oh my God. I'm actually going I'm going to drink all the way through January. I'm actually going, my God. You can drink and give money. That's fine.

And I am. That's absolutely fine. I think if you're doing it for charity, you know, fine. I'm going to get absolutely plastered and give a lot of money. I think you should drink through January and just quietly give to charity and shut up about it. I'm going to spend. Cockle's going for it. It's gone shock jock, Frank.

I know. Cockle's gone wild. I don't know what's going on.. It's gone shock jock, Frank. I know. It's like, yeah. Huckle's gone wild. I don't know what's going on. Anyway, it's been great working with you. I'm slightly worried. I think we're only about half a mile from a nature reserve as well and we're coming out with all this. The fireworks are flying.

I bet we're more than half a mile from a nature reserve. We've had a tweet in saying, completely agree with Emily. No dry January for me. And that's from Linda Best. Great surname, Linda. What do you hate? Charity, Linda. I am... I'm going to now, I've decided,

I'm going to spend the whole month raising money for poor, impoverished, starving writers everywhere. I'm going to call it penury. Because they work with their pens, you see. Why don't you do it for programme associates? You never get credited and have to write other people's material.

Doesn't happen on my show, thank you very much. I love it if that was a charity, Frank. What, penury? For programme associates. But wouldn't there be one? They're all making a fortune. But, you know, the old-fashioned starving writer and his garret, who's raising money for them?

Penury, it's the way forward. Yeah. Join here first. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't want to get embroiled in the Christmas pudding dish gate again

between you two. We haven't had any answers to whose dish it is. Well, do you know why that is? Because they all know I'm right, but they're scared of you. They're not scared of me. Well, that's what it is, because you're the host, you're the boss. I mean, I did bring this up saying I don't want to get into it again, but we appear to have got into it again.

No, no, it's fine. You know what, Frank? Have it. Oh, my God. That doesn't sound passive-aggressive at all. What I might do is go, I'm smashing up the wall. That's a good idea. You took it to that Turkish wedding, actually, didn't you, in between Christmas and New Year? Is it the Turks or the Greeks?

Oh, it's Greeks, yeah. No, I want you to have it, Frank. The fewer receptacles I have for eating in my house, the better. Alan, over to you. What a story. You could use it for steaming. Oh, yeah. That's breakfast, that, though, eh?

I had a very clichéd Christmas thought. How clichéd? In fact, quite a lot of times during December, I did that thing, and I'm sure this is a cliché, of eating Christmas pudding and eating mince pies and thinking why don't we have this the rest of the year? What is wrong with us? Are mince pies available

in like September? Are they in the shops? I find myself eating mince pies and think why don't we have these every other year? Really? Yeah, I'm not that keen. I ate Christmas pudding four days on the trot as well. And I really

enjoyed it. And I'm with, as you mentioned... I like that Katie Barrett song. That was the original. She realised it didn't scan. I ate Christmas pudding four days on the trot and I liked it. I think she'd be a big star. Delicious. She'd be a bigger

birthday star. A lot bigger. If she was as good as her word yeah lovely love it did you like christmas pudding honestly no yeah love it honestly i could eat i just like the receptacles yeah it's all about the dish for you the claridge's dish we had the classic turkey for like four days five days yeah I ended with a turkey pasta. And then we went round Adrian Charles Holiday Home for New Year's Eve. And he did us a turkey roast dinner. No. Yeah.

Did he? Weirdo. Turkey crown. Oh, that's lovely. Did he? That's what I was wearing. Very good. And I also had a bit of confusion as to what era my Christmas was in.

Because my son was given a Nintendo Wii. I was eating After Eights, and we were watching SpongeBob SquarePants on the mornings. Decades were all over the shop. Yeah, and I had a drink of Baileys on New Year's Eve. I'm thinking, what time warp am I in? After Eights. I love After Eights.

They do mean a.m., don't they? Because I've been having them at breakfast. I think they mean August. Oh eights. I love after eights. They do mean AM, don't they? Because I've been having them at breakfast. I think they mean August. Oh, good. I've got really into the Bendix. The Bendix mint. It's like the after eight, but it's a little bit more classy. Can you still get a matchmaker? Oh, yeah. I don't mean in a Jewish village.

I mean... I mean, can you get those little things? What sort of twig lids for kids? Mint and chocolate, yeah. I had a couple last night, actually. Did you? You had after-eights and matchmakers in your house. No, I didn't have after-eights yesterday.

Your diet has gone out the window. No, matchmakers. I was a guest at a friend's house and he said, do you want a couple of matchmakers? And I said, do I ever? You've got a bit secretive about your life. Guest at a friend's house and he said you want a couple of matchmakers and i said do i ever you've got a bit secretive about your life guest at a friend's house yes great friend who enumbers the amount of matchmakers do you want a couple of matchmakers that is two yeah what about when i turned up to a dinner party once matchmakers in a bottle of advocar oh it sounds like my christmas what

year was that i used to be able to identify with that advert for Advoco when the bloke said, evenings and mornings? I drink mornings. Of course you did. I'm a fellow alcoholic. Do you know what, Frank? If there's not dust on the bottle, I don't want to know. Yeah, that does sound like I prefer elder men. It's me.

Beautiful way of putting it. Oh, I come with a bit of dust on the bottle. I do. Speaking of dust on the bottle. I do. Speaking of dust on the bottle, I also watched television with old people this Christmas time. Did you? Well, I think that is a tradition, certainly. What did you watch with them then?

That Victoria Wood musical thing that your friend was in, in fact, Frank. Connors Hill. Connors was in it. Oh, was Conn in it? And even as the opening credits started and there's a lingering shot on Michael Ball, who was doing fantastic acting, might I just say, my father-in-law was going,

who is he? Who is this Michael Ball? And my mother-in-law was going, it's Michael Ball. I don't know him. Why should I know him? And I thought, this is going to be a long programme. I like it like he's an X Factor winner.

He's 16. Who's this Michael Ball? You see, I would have immediately froze the telly and sang Love Changes Everything. Because you've got to put people right before they can enjoy a Michael Ball. I'd love to hear you sing that, Frank. He was great in it.

I'll sing it during the next song. Love changes everything. Nothing. Except underclothes. Is that right? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. So I think I've stumbled on an invention after watching TV with old people. You know, we have subtitles where it comes up what they're saying for people who can't hear. I actually think we should now have subtext titles where it flashes up, this child in this scene is the man that was in the previous scene in a different era. Yes. Because about three quarters of the way through the programme, they went, oh, is that the young version of him?

You think that was made pretty clear in the opening five minutes. I think they should always wear the same outfit. It's the same person. Oh, yes, I do as well. Name badges, they'd be handy in some of those big dramas. Name badges, Frank, ruins it. Yeah. You badges, they'd be handy in some of those big dramas. Name badges, Frank, ruins it. Yeah. You know, have you ever done that when you think, oh, is that the one who...

Sometimes they use very samey-looking actors as well. Mm-hm. Well, the problem I have is that if I miss out on a big bit of subtext, I then find that it makes me a little bit, like, I feel a bit kind of embarrassed, and so I then don't express an opinion on the thing that I've've watched or read like i didn't quite get the life of pie you know the book the life of pie i felt like i missed a thing that somebody said to me afterwards oh you know there's a point that and i just didn't pick up on it so i don't really know if i enjoyed the

book whereas that victoria wood thing finished and my mother-in-law and father-in-law, who chunted all the way through it, not getting it, turned around and went, I really enjoyed that. At least they're positive about it. That's a good way to be, isn't it? Not get it, but still like it. So what is there in Life of Pi that I've missed?

Well, someone said that it was a cannibalism story and that he's making it up, isn't he? Keep it light. Oh, I didn't realise that. I didn't. Yeah, I missed that one. It's our title for a cannibalism story and that he's making it up, isn't he? A bit like? I didn't realise that. It's a title for a cannibal. Isn't it? I thought it was the Rick Waller story. Oh God, we've gone back a bit there.

It's all gone a bit matchmakers and avocados. I went to the fat chair but it was covered in cobwebs. He's an old school fat chair. Who is in the fat chair now? Oh was covering cobwebs. I don't think there is a standard. He's an old school fat chair. He is, yeah. Who is in the fat chair now?

Oh, we're not going to do this again, are we? Okay, sorry. No, we probably shouldn't do it. It's harsh. It is harsh. You're right. I'll be in the fat chair. Well, we all will be eventually.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. On the subject of weddings, am I right now in saying that the wedding is the last remaining refuge of the garter? Oh, I see what, it's the only time it's worn. I'm sure Anora would occasionally wear a garter, a street wear. what, it's the only time it's worn. I'm sure Annora

would occasionally wear a garter, a street wear. That's Frank's sister, by the way. Yeah. Really? I think women wore garters as a bit of, you know, on a Saturday night out, oh, I think I'll wear a garter. Well, didn't they have a practical? Didn't they hold a stocking, though?

Were they purely decorative? I think they became decorative. I think, yeah. And often it would be that sort of crocheted one with an interlaced ribbon that one sees at a wedding. Crocheted? But now, yeah. Sounds horrible.

But I'd love to, if any of our readers, any of you ever wear a garter... Oh, because that's not creepy. ..in a non-wedding capacity. Well, also, there's going to be a great pun when we get an email about this and it says, re-garter. We'll get some knight's moves.

Yeah, if anyone from Henley falls into this, that would be so absolutely perfect. But I would, I would really, I'd really like to know the answer to that. Well, some of the adult underwear shops, they sell the black ones, don't they? With the red bow detail. Isn't that a sexy ladies' thing?

That's sort of costume, though, isn't it? Okay, I'll bear that in mind. Don't you wear it with a sort of maid outfit or something like that? You like a role-playing game, don't you? Shops? No, I like to play agents. I didn't say I like to play French maids I play agents They're on lousy money

Some men actually fantasise about playing agents Do they? No, they don't, never Um, okay I don't know if we've got Have we got any AOB to do? I'll tell you what Do you remember I told you that I'd recorded some bedtime stories for CBeebies?

I do remember that, yes. Well, CBeebies very kindly sent me the DVD of my bedtime stories. Oh, yeah. With me saying stuff like, hello, my name's Frank. Do you ever think how lovely it would be? And then into the story. And so I got one and I showed it to Boz. And after about, I'd say five minutes in, he said, is that you?

Yeah. I mean, I didn't do a formal introduction yeah um but then i've done this thing ever since i slightly tortured myself because i always is allowed a bit of telly before he goes to bed and i say right do you want um daddy reading bedtime stories or pepper pig and every time he says pepper. And even his tone is a bit, oh, Peppa Pig. Oh, Frank, that's not good. It's a no-no, isn't it?

Why do I keep going to it now? It's like when you get the sore tooth and you keep putting your tongue in it. Oh, don't go back to the rejection. Stop bothering me with this. Peppa Pig. Frank. Yes.

I think you're just as good as Peppa Pig. And you can use that for your tour posters. Thank you very much. I wish I'd got his money. So, coming up next is Pete Donaldson. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks for coming back after our... Yeah, but I'm off again now.

After our greatest... Oh, you're not here next week? I'm going to the Maldives thank you have a lovely time thank you and once again

just in case we haven't alienated the audience enough during this show we're going with one last dig in the ribs okay so thanks so much for listening if the good lord spares us

and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week well two of us anyway now get out the Frank Skinner show on absolute radio Don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week, well, two of us, anyway. Now get out!

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.