The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Falling

Episode Date: December 13, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's the last show of the year and Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Steve Hall. In the week of Elton falling off his chair, the team discuss their falls. They also talk Candy Crush, Gary Lineker's Birthday Party and Ray Quinn's tweet to Frank.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning. Deck the halls with Christmas Ivy. You can tech the show.

Tech, tech the show. Tech. Somebody should tech the show. Let's face it, it's a disaster. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or, you know what? You can email the show, you old traditionalists,

via the Absolute Radio website. Guess what, Frank? This is Broken Britain, our producer. We can't afford headphones for her. I know, it is a bit embarrassing. It's a bit student radio. It's a bit Demon FM. I feel like we should have a Christmas whip round. Why hasn't she got headphones? Well, I don't know. I would ask her but she can't hear me Yes, it is a sad state But anyway, let us not fret about that

Nice that Steve came in though It is nice to see you Steve Thank you, it's nice to be back, Merry Christmas Compliments of the season I am slightly husky And in my head I thought it was going to sound like Barry White And it sounds like Tiny Tim Can I White, and it sounds like Tiny Tim. Can I tell you what it sounds like?

You sound like you organise raves in Ibiza. Phone parties. Yeah, we've got a ten on the door. Yeah, plus twenty. I'm going to have to take your word for it. I don't respond to anyone who organises raves in Ibiza. Really? I never didn't get to look at you.

No, exactly. Oh, dear. So, what a week I've had Have you? Well I'll tell you why you've had a week Because you're in a Doctor Who video game Doctor Who Legacy I've just seen for the first time

My character from the Doctor Who Legacy video game Courtesy of Rich Galtry And then we look about 22 Which is lovely It's a really nice cartoon It is It sort of looks like you're in of in classic era Roy the Rovers. Yes, exactly.

Well, that's what I am in my head. But, yeah, that's brilliant. It doesn't get any better than this. You know what I like about it is they've managed to pick up on your kindly face. Thank you for that, Emily. Thank you. It is. I think my face is deceptively kindly.

I quite like race unknown, origin unknown. Element of mystery. That's just a lack of homework. I've changed it, I've written a Birmingham there. Shall we put it on our thingy? On our social thingy, what do they call it? Social media pages. That's right, yeah, let's put it on that so people can have a look if they're,

because it's often a little unsettling when people talk about pictures on the radio. I know. I find. It's important it's Doctor Who Legacy and not Doctor Legacy, which is just a picture of Doctor Leg from EastEnders. Oh yeah? That'd be a great title for his

website. I think he's no longer with us I believe his name was Leonard Fenton yeah well brilliant I may be wrong but if I'm right I'll be so happy that's impressive that's wonderful I think it's worth it please tell me I'm right it's worth it

a shot that anyway yeah but that's why he's I think he passed away I'm sad to hear that very fine one foot in the grave very fine Beckett actor he was. What was he? Very fine Beckett actor.

Was he really? Yes, he was, yeah. There you go. Well, I'll go to our house. I, er... Oh, I've already been handed a piece of paper. I don't feel we've done a first link. I feel like I've just cleared my throat. Nevertheless, let us move on with music.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a tweet in and it's about you and it was about last night and you were on fire last night in Cambridge, according to Simon Humphrey.

That's the last chip pan I ever used. They're not safe. I thought maybe you'd been intimate. No, well, I was in Cambridge. That's very nice, actually. I was in Cambridge. It didn't start well, the gig, I must say. Oh, good. Tell me about that bit, when it didn't start well. Can't prefer that bit. Yeah, exactly. People don't want to hear about the good bits.

Which venue were you in? I was at the Corn Exchange in Cambridge. I'm there Yeah, exactly. People don't hear about the good bits. Which venue were you in? I was at the Corn Exchange in Cambridge. I'm there tonight, weirdly. Oh, are you? Well, here's a joke you can try tonight. No, he's watching something. If you look in the brochure, the brochure

of the Cambridge Corn Exchange, the avant-garde musician Philip Glass played there in November. You know Philip Glass? Of course. And so he did a gig there, and I went on, and I said I see Philip Glass was here in November.

I said, apparently, I lied because he sold out, but I lied, and I said, apparently, he only sold 50% of his tickets, but the management here couldn't decide whether the Philip Glass gig was half empty or half full. Oh. I get that. Yeah, it got nothing. I didn't get much this morning.

I didn't get much here. It got less last night. At least Steve was polite last night. They just looked at me like, what's that about? And it was one of those jokes, I was so excited when I thought of it. I couldn't wait to get out there and do it. Nothing.

It's quite specialist material, though. What, half empty, half full? You don't even need to know Philip Glasses, do you? I've helped you with that. Anyone who laughed at home, can you text in, please? Maybe we could become personal friends. Oh, what else is happening in... We've had a lovely tweet

from Matt Smith, but not that Matt Smith. How do you know it's not that Matt Smith? I've clicked on his profile to make sure. I love the desperation in your voice. How do you know it's not Matt Smith? And he says, please can you mention possibly

your youngest ever reader, Esme Rose, born the 9th of December 2014 at 2.52am, listening with her big brother Charlie. That is a proper reader from a radio show. Maybe it's because I'm a recent dad, but that's really... I feel at last I have arrived in radio. Thank goodness. Can I point out to this reader that December the 9th

was the 27th anniversary of my first ever stand-up gig. Was it? It's a fabulous birthday to share. What about that? Well, I've got a tweet I'd like to share, and it's extraordinary, because it is from Ray Quinn. Are you familiar with Ray Quinn?

Ray Quinn of The X Factor and of course dancing on dancing on ice. I don't know if he's one of the Quinns of Ireland No, I don't know. Maybe he is. He says, thanks for the mention, Bud. He calls you Bud. I didn't know anyone used that phrase anymore.

How lovely. Good old Quinn-o. How do you know Quinn? Well, I mentioned him on, and it's always lovely-o. How do you know Quinn? Well, I mentioned him on... And it's always lovely being mentioned. I think you'll agree. I looked at Steve, then he looked blankly at me. I was on This Morning this week with Philip Schofield, and on this occasion, it was...

I've got something in my ear. What are you doing? Sorry, I've got something in my ear. What are you doing? Sorry, I got something in my ear. No, genuinely. I think I've caught something from Daisy's head. I think both of us were bracing ourselves for a pun of some description. Okay. I thought you were going to say Holden a second.

Oh, sorry. Oh, yes, anyway, Amanda Holden was on anyway. And they asked me about signing body parts. Not, I mean, that are connected to people. Does serial killers sign body parts? I like when a lady says, will you sign my laras? Yeah, exactly. So a woman said to me, would you sign my...

What I said is I shared a stomach with Ray Quinn. I think they thought that we were conjoined twins. But what happened was a woman said to me, would you sign my stomach? And I thought, well, that's quite, you know, it's a nice thing to say to someone. It's quite a big moment. She lifted up her jumper and there was someone

who'd already signed it. But I thought this bloke's an opportunist because he had, I've just waved to Mike Reid. That's my life. Not the one from EastEnders because that would have been... I could only do that through a medium. Mike Reid just bowed at us.

I'm just saying. We're upmatching a lot of deceased EastEnders. Class members today. Deceased EastEnders. Deceased Enders. Yes, that's what it is. Can I say I was right about Leonard Fenton as well? I've just had some news in.

Congratulations. That's a very, very good name check. Thank you. So anyway, the other signature was very low down. It was near the elastication. Oh, was that David Baddiel? I thought this is an opportunist who thought I'll get as close to the business end as I can. Absolutely disgusting way to describe things.

It was Ray Quinn. And of course I realised that was him on tiptoes. I'm quite shocked at Quinninho. Why? I think he was doing his best. It's good you've shared a stomach with Ray Quinn. It's better than sharing a stomach with Armin Meivers. Yes, but wouldn't it be even better to have been a conjoined twin,

or a conjoined Quinn? Imagine the pictures, it would have looked like a vent act. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. There's a lot of defence of your Philip Glass gag. Thank you. Which I think you'll be very happy about. These are my people.

Funny you'd been there last night. Dan Skipsy has tweeted us, I laughed at the Philip Glass joke. See? In fact, I'm having that. I thought it was smashing. Nikki and Barnes, I totally laughed about the Glass gag. It startled the cat, her laughter.

There you go. And Luggett, who is one of my regulars. Yeah. Let's call him one of our regulars. Yes, let's call him that. It sounds less sordid. Okay. Dear Frank, Divine Miss M and Steve-opedia, the Philip Glass gag would have been a triumph in Oxford.

Ignorant tabs, hashtag varsity rivalry. Oh. Anti-Cambridge feeling going on there. He must be a dark blue. Yeah. Noggin. Who'd have thought that? So, just for him, roll, roll, roll the ball, Jack.

Rubbish. Yeah, so that was my... I'll tell you what happened. As I was leaving this morning, a researcher person came up to me and said, excuse me, do you recognise this woman? And showed me a picture on the internet where you can imagine I was startled.

I was thinking of places I could hide out. The 90s were a busy time. Yeah, and then she said... Can I just say, you've always got a safe house at mine. Thank you, I appreciate that. And I will quote you on that. Can you put that on a small piece of tape for me? Daisy!

Let's get her some headphones. Just looking at me like a fool. Just holding a trumpet to her ear. Yeah, so... What's she doing this morning? She's just with a fan and she's turned up. She's not actually doing anything without those headphones. So she showed me this picture,

and she said, do you recognise this woman? And I said, no. And she said, oh, she's just emailed in claiming that it was her stomach that you and Ray Quinn signed. And I said, well, look, it might have been. It was, you know, it was about seven years ago. Not the first time you've said that.

Yeah, and I said, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I, look, it might have been. It was, you know, it was about seven years ago that it happened. Not the first time you've said that. Yeah. And I said, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I remember it being blonde, but, you know, the memory plays tricks. I said, I didn't really look, you know, I was looking mainly at her stomach. And this woman said to me, it's probably someone just jumping on the bandwagon. And I thought, I don't know that it's a bandwagon. Exactly. But when I got the bod text from Quino, I thought, well, maybe, yeah, maybe it's a sort of...

Ray Quinn, Frank Skinner, stomach-signing bandwagon. Yeah, exactly. Oh, it's going to be like that Ice Cube Challenge, whatever it was called. Well, Daisy did say this morning, didn't she? Daisy jumped on the bandwagon, rather. She did. She said, Twitter's gone crazy. If I could do Photoshop, I would get a picture of a wagon,

one of those... I don't know what a bandwagon actually is. I'd get a covered wagon, and maybe I'd put the Jules Holland Rhythm and Blues Orchestra in it, and then I'd have me and Ray Quinn sitting at the Hold in the Rains. I suppose it should be in the shape of her stomach. Oh, it's getting more and more, I'm going to forget it. It's gone too far.

So Kerry Katona was on as well. I haven't seen her for ages. How is she these days? Because I haven't seen her for ages. How is she these days? Because I haven't seen her for a while. I tell you what, she said something to me that no one said to me. She went, hello, stranger. Oh, did she? I loved that and gave me a big hug.

Oh, that's nice. She's very nice, actually. Yeah, she seems nice. She was, we were talking about the, because she's on tour with Kitten again. You know, Atomic Kitten? Oh, yeah. I've just never heard them referred to as Kitten. Yeah, well... Like Zeppelin.

I think that's what she called them, and I just joined in. No one calls them Kitten Frank. You know what I did? I jumped on the Kitten bandwagon. You really did. Twitter's gone crazy. But a strange thing... Do you remember when I did that Doctor Who DVD launch recently? No, because you never talk about it.

No, I'm telling you, I haven't mentioned it for about two hours. When I interviewed the main stars of Series 8, and when I arrived at the hotel, it was that place that you like, Ham Yard, is it called? Oh, yeah, I love a ham yard. I arrived there. And it's a measurement of sausages when you're buying them, if there's any butchers, or provadors, maybe, listening.

And I said, I saw a room with a lot of people, you know, in it, and I said, is that the Doctor Who? And this person said, no, no, no, that's the S Club 7 launch. And I thought, the Doctor Who people have taken this time travel thing way too far. And it was. They were actually launching. They were relaunching

S Club 7 when I arrived. This is like two weeks ago. So I haven't had anything since. But apparently they are relaunching. Can I tell you what I wish had happened? You'd have got on the back of the photo and people just thought, as part of the relaunch, you were part of S Club.

Probably. I could claim that I was one of the S Club juniors. Wow, Paul Catamore's looking good. I was an S Club junior. I mean, I was 35. Nevertheless. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, S Club. S Club, I think. S Club 8, I think you'll find they're called now. Is that what they're called now? No, you're in it now. Oh, yeah, were they ever called S Club?

I think S Club, one imagines, is the sound a dead bear makes when it hits a damp forest path. Yeah. I mean, one imagines there's been a heart attack or something. It's quite a sudden thing. I'm glad we've gone into this level of detail. Imagine that sclob. I imagine it being the sound of the bills

that would land on former S Club 7 band members' doorsteps. Just the sound of post thudding. Bills? Oh yes. Maybe. Anyway, they're back now. Oh, that's good news. Yeah. They've relaunched, but I haven't heard anything of them since. It's like a bit Titanic.

I saw them on the, what's the bear with the bandage? Yeah, Children in Need. That was their, yeah, Children in Hoffmeister. I like that. That was a nice exchange. What's the bear with the bandage. Yeah, children in need. What, of a bear? That was that, yeah. Children in Hofmeister. I like that. That was a nice exchange. What's the bear with the bandage? Children in need.

You know what I mean. Is it a bandage? It's more of a bandana. What is it, a high patch thing? I think it's a bandana. That's what I'm calling it. Anyway, they were on that, Bear with the Bandage. They did that.

You're right. And I also, I did, because I'm selling my wares, I'm doing that, you know, come and buy my DVD, please, thing on TV shows. Oh, so you're doing all the rounds of the TV shows. Yeah, so I did Christmas Kitchen as well. Have you done Titchmarsh? I don't think he's on at the moment. Oh, OK.

I think he lies fallow during the winter. How was Christmas Kitchen? Well, that's my first ever cookery show. I've got another one tomorrow morning. But I have, it was my first ever one. How lovely. And I don't cook, as you know, so... You say that, you did cook for me once.

What did I cook? Well, Kath was late back from the hairdressers and you cooked me lamb chops. Very 70s anecdote, this. Oh, it is, yeah. You did. Do you know they were lovely? Did I give you a glass of milk as well?

Were they lovely? Oh, I'm good. Oh, it was lovely. You see, whenever I go to David Baddiel's, he often does me a lamb chop or a bit of chicken and he likes them to bleed somewhat and I can't cope with that and i like to cook them up a bit i like it so it's a bit crispy don't get me started on his goat curry anyway so um it was actually i i started i found myself using them as a bit of a resource i was three

three cooks um um the broth was not so good. But I... At one point, I sort of stopped the show to say, look, can I just ask you guys... Oh, I'm sick, you stopped the show. We have an ongoing debate in our house whether you should eat the skin on fish. Should I? And it caused a bit of consternation.

There was a bit of a world depends on the... The guy who was sitting next to me... Who are the characters on that show? You'll know Wicker Stevia. Well, don't ask me the... Is it Greg Wallace? No, Martin... Jarvis.

No. Martin... James Martin, is it? James Martin is on there. Oh, yeah. I know him. The Formula One expert. Yeah. And then you've put me on the spot now.

I was with them and now I don't know any of their names. I know James Martin, but I didn't know the names of the other two, to be completely honest. But no, drop me in here. I'm going to have to resign from radio. Oh, God. Skinner, Dean and Cochran, together in The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. We were just talking about being on The Cookery Show. Yes. Apparently, if it's smoked fish, don't eat the skin. Is that right? It's my advice. Until there's a terrible moment when they cooked, well, I say they cooked, they prepared venison tartare,

which many years ago when I first started to make it, I was taken to a posh restaurant by my manager, and I ordered steak tartare well done. Oh. That's so cute. There'll be readers now at home saying what is that? And that's the position I was in. And not only did the waiter

laugh, I mean heartily, people on adjoining tables laughed as well. What is it? It's raw steak, you see, and I didn't know that. Yeah, that story's so heartbreaking. It's like something due to the obscure thing. I imagine our management would have that waiter

arrested for laughing. Yeah, I wasn't that... I wasn't that big at the time. He would have been ta-ta if he did it now. Have him killed. It would have been ta-ta to his job.

Eh? Have him killed, actually. No, so they did... At one point, they were preparing venison tartare and one of them had got a reindeer jumper on. I thought it was just wrong. But I tell you what, I really enjoyed doing the show,

having sort of been a bit unsure about cookery shows. Did you get to make any food yourself? No, I ate a lot. You were just eating. In fact, I bought two platefuls home with cling film on. You did not. I did. That's so embarrassing. I know, I bought home the dock and also the omelette Arnold Bennett.

Do you know why you like that cookery show, Steve? Free food. Yeah. I've always wondered what happened. I always presume they might let the camera crew loose on the food. Well, I think they do normally, but I They had a bad week. My mother-in-law would love a bit of this. Fantastic.

So, yeah. And I said the omelette was Arnold Bennett, it's called, because Arnold Bennett, the writer, used to stay at the Savoy, and that's what he always used to have. And Arnold Bennett features quite heavily in my life, because one of my favourite films ever is an Alec Guinness black and white movie called The Card. And in it, the music is a man whistling. And whenever I'm feeling jaunty or trying to enforce jauntiness on myself,

like if I'm walking down, like when I walked in this morning in the dark through the West End, I often go... WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING

WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING WHISTLING was the right thing to say. That whistling, it sounds like a crime was about to be committed in the 1950s.

Yeah, I mean, it's a film from about that period. There you go. But it's got a sort of British jauntiness about it, which I don't think we have anymore. You know you're doing something right if there's a food... That was a part of the political broadcast on behalf of UK. Sorry, Steve. You're doing something right.

If a food, if a meal is named after you... Yes. That's both wonderful and an indicator you're a very predictable diner. Like, is there a meal you would have? You always have the same thing. Yeah. They know him that well. Well, I did have, of course, Frank Roast Skinner crisps, I think they were called.

But it wasn't the same thing at all. I'd worry that if it was like they go, oh, do us an Arnold Bennett, it might mean that they secretly hate him and it's an instruction to the cooking staff to gob in the food or something. This is a Savoy we're talking about, Steve. You're facing quite heavy legal action. What about when a cocktail was named after me

in a gay club once? Was it really? Yeah, it was, only briefly. What was it called? I can't remember. It might have been just as well, but it could have been crude. I can sort of remember, I think it might have been, so let's leave it. Okay. You don't know

what was in it? No. Doesn't want to ever. I, uh, I'll tell you what I did think, though, that I think chat is a lot, I once had an idea maybe I've talked to this before about a possibly doing a snooker chat show in which all the guests play snooker. Because if you're doing something else, you talk a bit more freely

than if you're just concentrating on talking, I think. Well, Richard Herring does a podcast where he plays himself at snooker. So it's him versus himself. Yeah, I listened to it once. at snooker so it's him versus himself and then yeah the trouble is with the richard herring podcast is i can't i can never quite decide whether to listen to the whole thing including the skin absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio Oh, I was in Radio 2 as well, in my Please Buy My DVD trails. And Steve Bruce was doing a live session there. And I walked in. It was a bit of a hob-ob.

And I noticed there was people waiting outside excitedly, none of which even asked me for an autograph. Just as an opportunist thing. And take that. They weren't jumping on the bandwagon. Take that, we're in there. Oh, they weren't. Yeah.

How many are there now? Three, just the three. Oh, it's a shame. Yeah, they arrived on one of those goodies bicycles. Is the little one still in it? Is the little one the tax one and the lisp one? No, I think they're all the tax ones. Oh, are they?

Yeah, I think they are. I think the three remainders were all... Tax ones. Well, this worried me a bit, because I have mentioned the tax thing and a few other things about Take That on the show. Whenever you meet people you might have done a joke about, you always think, oh, God, it's going to be a bit awkward.

And... How was it? Sir Mark Owen waved to me, and then he came over and gave me a massive hug. Oh! It was very sweet, and... Daisy put her hand on her chest, she clasped it. Yeah, you know, afterwards I realised I'd lost my wallet with £70 and credit cards in it.

No, no, it was interesting because, you know, what one does, you know, I'm not, I can't call myself a Take That fan. No. I remember once saying to Daisy, she was very excited about seeing them and I said I wouldn't go and see them if they were playing in my kitchen.

And she looked a bit hurt. Thank God she can't hear this. That's a look you see often in your life, a bit hurt. But when they give you a big hog, you think, you know, the truth is, of course, that we're all different and everybody likes different stuff. Oh, I see. When the celebrities come up and talk to you,

you suddenly change your opinion. Exactly. It's only Mark Owen. I'm not sure if he's... Yeah. I always have a soft spot for the little one. Yeah. He's the best looking of the remaining three, would you say?

He just seems the kindest. Yes. So anyway, I remember me and David Baddiel once having what turned into quite an unpleasant row about whether Bob Dylan or David Bowie had had the biggest influence on popular music. It really got a bit out of hand.

What happened? Well, he was... It's not about who was best, because I don't think you can argue that, but you can argue who had the most influence. Clearly it was Bob Dylan. He's not here. I'm going to go Badil. I'm team Badil on this one, I'm afraid.

Really? Really? Biggest influence? No, I... I think that's like saying what had the biggest influence, the invention of the wheel or the invention of the hobcap? No, if you're talking what had the biggest influence on Jewish grandma hairstyles, Bob Dylan. That is an outrage.

It is Bob Dylan, though. Oh, don't just suck up to him. It's not. But it's purely just by being around a little bit earlier. Yeah. As much as anything. David, if you're listening, we're right. Look, I love David Bowie, but he wouldn't have happened without Bob Dylan.

That's all I'm saying. I love David Baddiel. I love David Baddiel as well. He wouldn't have happened without Bob Dylan. That's all I'm saying. I love David Baddiel. I love David Baddiel as well. He wouldn't have happened without Bob Dylan either. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean. And oh dear. It's all right.

Steve Hall. Sorry. You can text us on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show through the Absolute Radio website. Now, someone has texted the show on 8-12-15 to point out a rather wonderful error that we collectively made as a team.

There's no way to refer to me. I've been doing rather well in this game. 181 has texted anonymously. I used to live at 181, actually. That was my house number. We were discussing how you'd appeared on Radio 2. Yes. And he's pointed out that the DJ is Ken Bruce, not Steve Bruce.

Yes, I made a mistake. Only one person has spotted that. Only one person has spotted that. Respect to that person. And 667 says, Love how you joined two veteran radio, two DJs together to give an overweight Geordie football manager a session with Take That. Oh, yes, two people. I'm sorry about that.

Yes, Ken Bruce, of course. I wish Steve Bruce did have a radio. I know one of war favourite bands. 816 also wants to know, did Frank debut his golden leather Christmas hat on the cookery programme? It would have been a nice festive nod to his friends in the S&M community.

I'm assuming, 816, you're one of them. So Merry Christmas to you and your kind. I didn't, but, you know, there's Sunday brunch tomorrow. They've asked me to take my ukulele. They won't be watching that. They'll be busy. They'll have their hands full.

I said to the researcher, I won't bring it. It's going to be used as a utensil. And it's a silence. Oh, I'll watch that tomorrow, Frank. I think maybe that was their plan. Talking of watching things. Yes.

My favourite thing I've seen this week is a thing I'm hoping you've seen. Did you see Elton John? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Fall off the chair. I did see that, yes. Little legs in the air, like a beetle.

There. Yes. Now, because ordinarily, if someone was to say to you... What if he couldn't have got back up? Yeah. If he'd lay like a tortoise. Well, he was in a shell suit. What?

It's possible. Oh, he was going leisure wear, wasn't he? He loves the shell suit. He'd lay like a tortoise. Well, he was in a shell suit. It was possible. He was going leisure wear, wasn't he? He loves the shell suit. He loves the tracksuit. Ordinarily, if someone was to say to you, would you like to see a 67-year-old man fall off a chair? It would sound horrific. But once you know that that 67-year-old man is Elton

Johnson. Yes, it's fine, isn't it? It becomes almost mandatory. Yes. It was a proper thought. I mean, may I quote Danny Dyer, geezers proper lost it. I've never seen a thought like it. He held out, he reached out to the two chairs next to him.

And that's the instinct. They check baby's reflexes. Oh, really? Well, they push them off chairs. Yeah, they do. Put them in a wig. Okay. But it's up there with the classic falls, the truly great falls.

If we include, say, Neil Kinnock at the beach or Bobby Davro, if you've seen that clip. Oh, you're in for a treat. There's a Bobby Davro clip, and it's a health and safety video from the BBC where they put him in stocks, and it's got Lionel Blair. It's an outtake from some awful

variety show. Lionel Blair's there and Bobby Davro's in these stocks and they've not been weighted properly and they just, it falls forward. Oh no. And Bobby Davro smashes his Bobby Davro face. Oh no, that's awful. And you hear Keith Chegwin go, oh Bobby!

I like the sound of that. Do you know what I like? Is that you heard the woman, who was some sort of, you know, Euro trash woman, who was the commentator, and she went, Oh!

And Elton fell over. And then she said again, Oh! I liked her reaction. No, it was, he only did, he reached out and took another couple of deck chairs down with him. Oh, poor Elton.

I'll tell you what I did notice about it. Yes. Elton, I was looking at his feet sticking in the air. Tiny little feet. There wasn't a blemish on the soles of his shoes. Oh, the box fresh guy? Yeah, what it reminded me, because I was once at his villa in Nice, and I don't know if you know this about Elton John,

but he often walks around on his hands with his legs in the air to strengthen his fingers for piano play. I was just sitting in there, I was reading the paper, I just saw these two feet go past the side of the table. It was Elton on his way to the outside lavatory. It's a weird thing. I love the on his way to the outside lavatory. It's a weird thing. I love the idea that there's an outside lavatory. There is an

outside lavatory. I mean, it's made of gold. Nevertheless. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're just discussing Sir Elton John, who fell this week so when's the last time have you have you are you fallers have you had any significant falls i haven't fell for a long

time i must admit i um the last time i fell i think it was such a you know it gets to a point where it is a major incident if you I fell now, it could be fatal. That's true. It's not like when you're a, you know, when I was a drinking man, you know, it was a regular thing and it was fine. But the last time I remember it was I was on the south bank of the Thames and I stepped back to a step that wasn't there and fell over. And I did actually get a call that week with someone saying,

I heard you fell over, are you all right? And that's when you know you're getting on a bit. I fell down my stairs on my way to see my therapist. And I was wearing tights at the time. They were too slippy. Oh, was it wooden stairs? Yeah, wooden stairs. You see, you can't have a stocking foot on a wooden stair.

How many times have you been told that and ignored it? Oh, I was in a rush and I went flying. Oh, dear. I can imagine when you went, there would have been a... where you lost your footing. And then I found myself at the bottom of the stairs and I cried. Oh. I don't blame you.

Oh, were the tights laddered? Oh, laddered? They were Damien Gray. They were in a terrible mess. I must say, I love a laddered tight. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fantastic. It's always a tricky thing, the difference between a fall and a trip.

I trip quite a lot. But, so Michael Gove, have you seen a clip of Michael Gove tripping on the way? It's a trip that turns into a really satisfying fall. Do you nicely Google people falling over? Okay.

I love this in the clips. He's walking on his way to 10 Downing Street and he stacks it in quite a satisfying... It's more satisfying because of the person it is. There's a similar one, a set blatter. Oh, yes. A set blatter having a... Oh, I think I've seen that.

Yeah, but this is yet another one that he's seen. Yeah, I know. What kind of a person enjoys watching people fall over? I was once on a train with Michael Gove, and he had one of the biggest behinds I've ever seen on a man. So I don't think he'd do any harm if he fell over. It'd be like a hovercraft coming in.

That's an exclusive for this show. Michael Gove has got junk in his trunk. You wouldn't think to look at him. He's Kardashian. He's like, I think he might have been, I think he was actually born a centaur. And some of the horse was removed, but they left it behind.

Michael Gove can twerk it with the best. I'd rather fall, honestly, than do... You know the thing when you think you're going to fall and you recover? I hate that. What about when I was filming? You may as well have the fall and the sympathy. It's awful. It's so humiliating. When I was filming with Peter Purvis...

Stop name-dropping. And he started... He tripped, and he did the best trying to stay upright before falling. He ran... I bet you he ran 80 yards at a 60-degree angle. It was really incredible.

His face was, like, three feet from the ground, and he just kept... And we all willed him to say... But, no, he went down in the end. He's been through the shame of the blue Peter elephant. Was he on that? I think that's him. That's Noakes, isn't it?

I thought Purvis was on the team. I thought it was Singleton, Noakes. Why are you talking about them like they're US presidents? Noakes and Purvis. Oh, sorry. Frank, what about when Ian Lavender fell? Oh, yes. We'll have to come back to that.

That was a personal thing. Peter Purvis, I should say, was a Doctor Who companion, so let's not be disrespectful. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I noticed in the report that I read in the paper, it said that Tim Henman... It was a competition, I think, between England and America, was it?

I know McEnroe was there and Martina Hingis. Oh, I love Martina Hingis. She's very up your strata. She is, yeah. But she always has to go the extra notch on the ponytail. I've never seen anyone take her hair back quite as tight as Martina Hingis. Can't close my mouth. Really? You know what that is?

Instant facelift. The Croydon facelift? Is that what they call it? I believe so. Can't believe Martina Hingis needs that. I don't believe she does, but if you see women of a certain age with a ponytail, you'll know why. Yes. We all do it. Although she did look quite old when

she was in Hingis and Bracket. I don't know if you remember that double act. When she hasn't played tennis for a while, do you reckon she's Rusty Hingis? No. Yeah, I think that's alright. No, I'm alright with it, Steve. Don't apologise. I thought I'd overreach myself. I like it.

I'm not. I don't. But it said in the paper, Tim Henman rolled back the years with a clinching victory. I thought, well, what years did he roll back to? Some years that didn't happen. That we thought might happen one day but never did. Back to when he was 14.

Yeah. Don't get that gruffly, I don't like it. It sounds phlegmy. Phlegmy from overhead. Oh, you're on fire. Yeah, I think it's the coffee has gone to my pan head. Go on. No, no, you say. I was going to say there was another sports incident this week.

Did you see the basketball player who touched Kate Middleton? Oh, he hugged her. You can't do that. Controversial. LeBron James. Don't you find, though, is that when you have your photo took with someone, you instinctively go for the arm around

the shoulder. You can't do that with royals, Frank. I wouldn't even do it with you. I mean, there are certain people you don't put the arm around. I think with the royals, I think it's like chimney sweeps. It's lucky, isn't it, to touch a member of the royal family. I've touched a few members of the royal family yeah have you yeah i've touched um prince charles i mean it was that hand shape but we were touching um how many have you touched duke of edinburgh two no not the queen when i met the queen i was touching cloth

she wore she wore gloves. I know, but you know you did not have to say cloth. And you full know that. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, so I didn't actually, although I met the Queen and we shook hands, I haven't actually touched the Queen, which is a pity. Yeah. I wish I'd have brought the...

I touched the Queen and I liked it. Yeah. That wouldn't have been a less popular song, wouldn't it? I touched the Queen and I Liked It. Yeah. That wouldn't have been a less popular song, wouldn't it? I touched the queen and I liked it. Big song in the Vauxhall area tonight. A little bit powdery, but I don't care. Yeah. Frank, I love that song.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, yeah, so this LeBron character. Yes. Who is, I have to admit, I know nothing about basketball, so I hadn't heard of him, but he's a massive star, isn't he?

Oh. He's huge. I was aware of him when he went to the Miami Heat. It was a very big deal, because it was like a... How did he get on in the Miami Heat? Did he get through to the final? How did he get on in the Miami Heat? Did he get through to the final?

Apparently they'd asked an etiquette expert about this. Yes. I like, because the Daily Mail referred to it as the moment sweaty basketball star breached protocol. I like the moment when... Well, this is one of the fascinating things about the way that ordinarily the most lurid of newspapers that would, you know, focus on visible panty lines and baby bumps and post-pregnancy bodies and all that,

and suddenly they turn into just William. Yes. Eyebrows were raised. Yes, and also, protocol is only ever breached, isn't it? It's never broken or... Oh, it's always breached. Yeah. Trampled.

Yes, you're not supposed to touch the royals I think that is true yeah he said the etiquette expert employed by the Daily Mail said Americans are too touchy-feely

you'd have thought they'd have learnt by now from what? well exactly well because Michelle Obama did it to the Queen didn't she? she touched the Queen

and she liked it yeah exactly I wish she'd brought that out as a charity single you wonder Farmer did it to the Queen, didn't she? She touched the Queen and she liked it. Yeah, exactly. I wish she'd brought that out as a charity singer. You wonder if she'd said, I touched the Queen and she liked it. Clearly she loved it. No one's touched it for years.

Oh, I love that song you made up. I mean, how often has she touched the Queen? That's none of your business. No, but with the gloves, it means she has virtually no contact with the world at all. Do you know what? She's like a snooker, I think. I want to start wearing gloves. When people shake my hands, I feel sick.

I know, that's the trouble. We've been frightened. I don't want your hands. We've been frightened, now, you see, by all the talk of the avians and all that, the swines. So if someone shakes my hand now, I sort of carry it like a parcel until I get to a sink.

I wouldn't hold your hand. And I've known you for a long time. That was the original working title to the Beatles song. Yeah. But I wouldn't. You wouldn't hold my hand. Well, it'd be odd if I did.

I wouldn't hold your hand. You didn't say that when you had your slippy shoes on on the way to brunch once. Oh, yeah, I did hold your hand. Oh, it took me back like taking that, you know, it's all right, officer, I I'll see she gets elbow catch.

It's one of those. It must be a lonely job being an etiquette expert. Because that's, surely that can't, the phone cannot ring very often for that matter. You wouldn't think so. My dad always insisted that one should pronounce it etiquette.

Absolutely insisted on that. What about when I met Arnold Schwarzenegger? I love that story, and I haven't even heard it. He offered me a low five, and I'd never seen a low five, so I leaned right over and did a sideways handshake. It was, oh, dear. He was sort of, oh, what? He could tell.

Oh, that was awful. How did you find Schwarzenegger up close? Because I've met Arnold Schwarzenegger. Have you met him, Steve? I've not, unsurprisingly. No matter. And, um... Well, he's...

He's short. He is short. Yes, that's what I thought, Frank. He's very broad. He has a sort of... He wears a Cuban heel. Yeah, but he's very, very wide and very short. He's got a sort of SpongeBob...

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. And he's orange. The colour of it. But he said to me, it's warm in here. And this person appeared out of nowhere with a tissue and mopped his brow. And he didn't even acknowledge it or look around like it was absolutely the norm.

Oh, I'd love it if that was my life. But having said that, it was... I'm going to try that, Frank. It's warm in here. You're right. It's, uh... So take off all your clothes. Oh, yeah, they shouldn't have done that bit on it. That was just nice.

Of course, I was very excited to meet Arnie, if I'm going to be honest. Saw I'd been cynical, but I was thinking, Terminator. Yes, so... But it's very, very embarrassing, the lo-fi. Could have been worse. I could have put a £50 piece in it.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Could have been worse, I could have put a £50 piece in it We've had a number of listeners, readers Contact us, telling us about their own falls Oh yes, we were talking about the last time we fell over As a tribute to Sir Elton John, who fell over this week, publicly. Jenny Sparks has tweeted to say that her cat tripped her over on the stairs and she broke her foot. Oh, that's... Not that light-hearted, Jenny. Do you know Jenny Sparks? No, but thanks for the tip.

I wondered if she sparked if she fell down there. No. She had chain mail on. And it was a... No. Carry on. Well, can I just talk about me briefly? Yeah, sure. I say briefly, that's a lie. I talk about myself for quite a bit. I need to talk to you,

Frank, because we haven't discussed I came away from your house with an unexpected item in the bagging area let's put it like that way what do you mean i went to your house recently yeah and i'm slightly on tenterhooks here i had dinner with calf this is a contagious illness and your sister and brother-in-law and ma mason there. Oh, yeah. And Buzz. I wasn't there. No. No, okay.

I drank your wine, though. That's all right. And I ate your food. You're always welcome at my table. Thank you. We had a very nice evening. I left. I got in a cab to go home.

As I was sitting in the cab, I felt something so painful poking into my backside. I'm going to call it my backside. Okay. I was in agony. I y going to call it my backside. Okay. I was in agony. I yelped. The cab driver actually turned around. He was worried about me. I said, what on earth is this?

I pulled it out. It was a skeleton. What, you pulled out your own skeleton? That's fantastic. That's when those people take their shirts off for people when they don't have to take their jackets off. Brilliant. Buzz had been loitering a bit around me. I think he dropped it down my trousers.

What, as a joke? I don't know if it was a joke. That's my boy. It was agony. I thought it was an animal at first. How big? Was it life-size? Well, no.

I thought at first, is this some hint that you need to lose weight? Is that what you do? You just put the skeleton down the back of the dress? It sounds like a voodoo threat to me. It was so painful. He did nail a cockerel to the kitchen door. Anyway, skeleton in the pants was a bit strange. But, so, just FYI...

I'll tell you what I think. Was it about six inches in length? Yes, it what i think was it was it about like six inches in length yes i think it was part of his halloween thing so he's probably just he's probably just clearing the decks ready for christmas okay well just if you want to fyi if you're missing a skeleton i have it okay thank you can i ask you uh if i'm missing this guy i'm feeling a bit floppy one of our skeletons is missing yeah Yeah, that'd be good. Was this just a West Midlands thing? But I didn't realise till I was about 30 that the word was skeleton.

You thought it was Skellington? Everyone called it Skellington. Everyone I knew. Did they? And I knew a guy who had a sort of a pet name. He used to call it a Skellygog. He'd say, yeah, there's a big Skelly-gog in the window. But Skellington,

everybody called it Skellington. And everyone talked about Chimblies as well. What's that? Smoke coming out of Chimblies. It would make it quite a lot cuter if it was like a really serious news story. They found in the garden up to seven Skellingtons.

It's a lot harder to take a serial killer seriously. It would make it cuter if there were five, not 45, old men in Birmingham. Well, it'd be good, that, because they could call the serial killer Duke Skellington. That could be his nickname. Oh, Frank, what about when I went to Gary Lineker's birthday party? Oh, hold that right there. We'll play some music.

Gary Lineker's birthday party sounds fantastic. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Gary Lineker. Oh, you don't want to hear about that. Come on, tell us about it. Oh, you don't want to hear about that. Come on, tell us about it. Oh, you do, really. Were there crisps?

No. If you're going to start making references like that, forget it, you're out of here. I've never seen her get so indignant. I'll tell you what it was. We had a lovely... Oh, it was a lovely dinner. Steak dinner.

Slap-up meal we were treated to. What sort of Christmas cake? Birthday cake and all that. In the shape of a golden boot or something? How old is he, 54, something like that? He's not that old. Oh, I think he might be. I think he might be, yeah.

He looks good, though. I sat next to Brighty. Oh, Mark Bright. Mark Bright, yes. Who we bonded over Absolute Radio, of course. Because I think he stood in for Righty, didn't he? Brighty and Righty. Take me back to dear old Brighty.

You know what I've noticed about footballers? There was Mickey Blight on that show as well. Brighty, Righty and Blighty. You know what I've noticed about footballers? They age well. Weren't they in 99? Well, they don't all age well. Oh, these two had.

Yeah. I sat with Steve Parrish, chairman of Crystal Palace Football Club, who, it turns out, is a massive Frank Skinner fan. Is he? Yes. He'd read your autobiography. I mentioned one of the racier passages. He said, I don't remember that bit.

I'm really sorry, Frank. You think he skimmed? No, I think he did read it. OK. But I think there was a... You know, there's a particularly racy passage in your book one. Well, let's not even think about it. Of course we're not going to think about it.

Makes you feel sick to the stomach. But I just hope it didn't put him off you. But he's a big fan of yours, yeah. Is that? Well, who'd have thought that? Steve Parrish. That's great. I met the Lineker boys.

Charming. Not One Direction. Absolutely charming. The sons. Um, but Gary did something... I know George, because George is big on the tweets. Oh, is he? Okay. He's a prolific tweeter.

Is he? Something I noticed, which was rather brilliant, when Gary went to the loo, we were all seated, and obviously being a charming, immaculately mannered man, he didn't want to get up and disrupt everyone. He just did it and then dragged himself along the carpet. Thanks! Sorry.

He got up and what he did was... I can't believe you did that. What he's done is... He's looked up. There was a railing behind us. He's seen the railing. He's looked up, yeah. He's seen the railing. He's looked up. There's a railing behind you. Where were you eating? In a police station?

You know like a brass rail in a posh restaurant? You didn't have the velvet ropes around you. Had he cordoned off a bit of an all-but-one? No. Instead of getting up, he leapt over the rail in one move. It was so poetic. Men were gasping. Even Steve Parish gasped.

I'd like to see that, I must admit. Like avoiding a slide tackle. It was so balletic. Men were gasping. Even Steve Parrish gasped. I'd like to see that, I must admit. Like avoiding a slide tackle. It was unbelievable. I gasped when I saw it. I was like, oh! That's brilliant. I said, look at Gary! Everyone was used to it.

Without a run-up, he just went to take over. Mark Wright barely raised an eyebrow. No run-up. He was seated. And then he just launched himself over. What, he went from seated over a once? He levitated. Like a greying superhero. He launched himself over in a wife's head. He levitated. Like a greying superhero.

He launched himself over in one balletic move. God, I tell you, the advantage of those big ears. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is in the chair today. Text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, I was talking about something. I can't remember what it was. Gary Lineker leapt.

Oh yes, he leapt over the railing in one move. Oh, yes. He leapt over the railing in one move. This reminds me of, there used to be a footballer, Duncan McKenzie, do you remember him? I do. And he played for Leeds, Everton. Did he play for Everton? Yeah, he did, yeah. And he had a thing that he could jump over a mini.

This was the old mini. He could jump over a mini from one side to the other without touching the mini and without a run up yes my friend Scouse Tony is obsessed if you just crouch and do this inhuman leap also at Ellen Road where Leeds United play he could throw a golf

ball from one end so stand on the terraces at one end throw a golf ball and he would land at the other brilliant skills that aren't any good to you at all. Though I did think, if he was about to be hit by a car, could he just jump over it?

That would be brilliant, wouldn't it? So anyway, I wanted to know also, it's hard to buy Caroline a present, isn't it? What do you buy him? He's got everything. So I thought I'd buy him a nice little shirt that he can wear a match of the day. One of those slightly too tight ones he wears. Oh, lovely.

Straining at the bottom. They're not straining at the bottom. They're always straining at the bottom. You're so bitter. No, I love Gary Lineker. He's my hero. It's because he's ripped. He can't help it.

Well, the shirts are on the brink. Anything that would remove his goatee. I went for a lovely powder blue shirt. But the problem is, the posh place I bought it from You know all these Italian men Yes I give you the present Who are you assigning it to They do a calligraphy

They do the name And they seal it all and wrap it nicely What do you mean the name On the shirt Well they write the name No not on the shirt But on the present On the wrapping

Oh okay There's a lovely sort of tissue And then they write it in calligraphy Oh Um Unfortunately If it was you They'd probably Mr. Francis Skinner or something. Yeah. They spelt Geronimo wrong.

Because they don't know who he is, do they? They're Italians working their clothes shop. Do you think Italians are football enthusiasts? Yeah, how did they spell it? I wouldn't describe these men as football enthusiasts, Frank. No, okay. That is not how I would describe them. They have very clean souls on their trainers.

How badly did they spell it wrong? As long as it's not Robbie Savage on it. No. No, exactly. No, Gary reassured me. He said, don't worry, Emma, it always happens. But how was it misspelled? They spelt it line-acre, so with an A instead of an E.

Oh, I see. It's a bit embarrassing. But he was charming about it. I think you should get the money back for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But weren't you a bit offended when he swapped the shirt with someone else's shirt at the end? I said sorry about what I've left on that.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been discussing people falling over in the light of Elton John's calamitous accident. Yes.

Hayley has texted the show to say, a friend of mine once got both his feet in one of those white bands that they put around newspapers. They are lethal. They are dangerous. Lethal. She says he ran past WH Smiths and up the high street. Lethal! She says he ran past W.H. Smith's and up the high street. Lethal Bizzle, I call them.

He ran up the high street head first before finally falling. Daisy's still laughing at you referencing Lethal Bizzle. She loves it when I go over. She does. It's one of her favourite things. At least she heard it. I'm impressed by that. I used to have a job distributing free arts newspapers in the West Midlands.

And I used to fall over those things, whatever they're called, probably 20 times a day. If you were thinking of a sort of a trap, a man trap, you'd never think of anything that simple would work. But they work brilliantly. We probably need a name for them. They probably don't have a specific trap. You'd never think of anything that simple would work. But they work brilliantly. We probably need a name for them. They probably don't have a specific name. Skinners. Yeah. There you go. What about Jenny Sparks? My cat tripped me on the stairs. I broke my foot.

I'd hate the cat after that, wouldn't you? Didn't we do this? Oh no, we did do that. I'm so sorry. But that's how much sympathy we have for Jenny Sparks. Maybe she's fallen again. The other much sympathy we have for Jenny Sparks. Maybe she's fallen again. Yeah. The other ankle's gone. Poor Jenny Sparks.

She's having flashbacks. I'm really sorry, but I just wasn't listening when you said that, Steve. I get that quite a lot. I'm really sorry. I should have to think the state of Jenny Sparks' skelly-gog with two broken ankles. I had a text about a skelly-gog as well. Okay. But we might have done it before, Steve said.

No, no, I think you're all right. Kareem Faith. No, go on. Nice name. A friend once couldn't bring to mind the word skeleton and referred to it as, you know, one of those bony mannequins. I love that. That's fantastic.

I love it as well. I think we've all got a bony mannequin within us. Steve, could you just run through which ones have we done? Because I can't remember. We haven't done Cam in Bristol. Oh, OK. Can you do that? I'll read Cam in Bristol. Cam in Bristol, he says,

he once fell through a garden table covered in bacon butties and champagne at his outdoor graduation. It silenced the surrounding crowd and was met with disappointed scowls and an overwhelming sense of, you've not just ruined our night, but also our university education. There was

nowhere to hide and all he could say to the crowd was, the butties are still okay. Bacon, butties and champagne sounds a bit Bollingdon Club, doesn't it? Oh, it does. Oh dear, that's a bad fall. You don't want to go through anything ideally when you fall. Yeah, that's a bad fall. You don't want to go through anything, ideally, when you fall.

Yeah. No. That's, yeah. I feel sorry for them. And there's one other we haven't done. I can't read any now because I'm too nervous. Go on. Loz has said, years ago, her friend and I went home from work for lunch.

When it was time to go back, her friend went out the door and fell down his mum's front step and just kept rolling into the rockery Oh great, like Cristiano Ronaldo I wonder if he does that, if he slips on the ice, if he rolls over about 12 times old in his face Old habits

The Frank Skinner Show, listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I tell you where we haven't been for ages. We're in E-Mail Corner. Really sounds like the Mary Whitehouse Experience theme. I've said that before, but it really reminds me of that. Don't tell David Baddiel that.

He'll be trying to get money off us. He'll be silly. We have heard from Gemma, who says, Good morning to the fantastic Frank, the exquisite Emily and the cocky cockerel. Unfortunately, it's the horrible hauling instead of the cocky cockerel. I'm going to call it the super silliest Steve. Nice. The suggestible Steve.

What can we call him that's pleasant and begins with S, Frank? Come on. Stolid. Oh, lovely. She says, I'm an expat and a long-time reader. Listening to the podcast is one of my favourite ways of staying up-to-date with current events. Does that mean she used to be called Pat? Wouldn't that be brilliant if you changed your name from Pat and told everyone you were an expat?

It'd be worth it. If you're called Pat, it'd be worth changing your name from Pat and tell everyone you're an expat. It'd be worth it. If you're called Pat, it'd be worth changing your name from Pat just for that guy. Carry on. I love that you're the only person in the world that thinks that. Maybe when Pams and Clement left EastEnders. Yeah. She's an expat. Yes. Fantastic. Also,

I used to be cow manure once. Carry on. I didn't. I made that up just for the joke. Pathetic. Gemma continues. So imagine my surprise and excitement when, whilst playing a thrilling game of taboo, a charade-type board game, the next card to be drawn. That's what taboo...

I've never heard of taboo. I think it's a bit your friends in the S&M community. Oh, is it? It's called taboo, isn't it? What game are you playing? It&M community. Oh, is it? It's called taboo, isn't it? What game are you playing? It's taboo. Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. No, I've never... I'll check it out. And she said that while playing the game,

the next card to be drawn and described to her team said Frank Skinner. Oh, you're in a board game, Frank. Oh, I love that. I used to work in a factory and now I'm in a charades type of board game. That. I have arrived. You know we were talking to work in a factory, and now I'm in a charades-type board game. That. I have arrived.

You know, we were talking about, you know, when you've arrived. I've arrived. Yeah. And she said, using the phrase, she used the phrase, he's from Birmingham, and I listened to his podcast. Oh, I would have gone carrot. And her husband immediately guessed correctly who she was describing, and they continued to win the game victoriously.

So it's one of those, it's the one when there's a name on the card and you have to communicate. It's called many things. Used to call it the hat gameiously. So it's one of those, it's the one when there's a name on the card and you have to communicate. It's called many things. Used to call it the hat game when we played it in comedy. But Richard and Judy played it. Articulate as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is that the same thing?

Yeah, I believe so. It's a nice... From Birmingham and you listen to the pod... It's a good thing Kevin Rowland doesn't have a podcast. Why? Oh, yes, it'd be another one, yeah. Yeah, you're quite right. It's that thing about being in something.

People occasionally say to me, if someone had told you when you were working in a factory, if someone had told you it was going to be having a song sung at Wembley, what would you have said? And I always say, I'd have said, who are you?

I mean, who's going to tell you that? If someone told you that, you'd say, well, get off being weird. What do you mean? Shut up.

Get off me. Do you consider yourself from Birmingham or from West Bromwich? I consider myself well in. I consider myself one of the family. I'm doing the Cockney, you know, the Doppler effect.

The Cockney stuff. I consider myself one of the family. That's very Robbie Williams' father. Thank you. Like Club Vibrato. No one's ever said that to me before and I'm quite moved. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's still an email corner. Yes. And this missive, I'm so scared I'm going to read the same thing out again. No, no, you're fine. It's from Leslie. We haven't done Leslie, have we? We've not. Okay. Not for a long time. Re-things being kept in the fridge.

Well, you say re, but this is some weeks ago. Yes, we were talking about whether or not ketchup should go in the fridge or whether it can just go in the cupboard, whether it just keeps forever. So, Leslie says, glass bottles of ketchup should be kept in the fridge. I work in a restaurant and we have had a recent spate of exploding sauce bottles. I love a spate. You love a spate. Often only burglaries, but now explode.

And can you remember in which instance I used it? What did you have a spate of? With a man who'd stopped calling me. I said, due to the recent spate of cancellations. Ah, yes. I enjoyed that also. Am I to assume you're in a witness protection programme? So they were exploding sauce bottles. If the sauce gets warm, pressure builds up in the bottle.

When an unwitting diner opens one of these suspect bottles, the ketchup explodes quite dramatically out of the bottle. I have never heard of that. Says Leslie. I didn't even know you could still get glass sauce bottles. I thought they'd gone. I'm imagining a restaurant that looks like a Sam Peckinpah film. Yeah.

Well, we used to, when I was a child, we had the ketchups and the salt and vinegar on a little mat in the centre of the table, and they never, ever left that spot. Oh, really? They were there always. It was the condiments area. Yeah, they were always there.

And there was like a collar that grew around the sauce bottles, of sauce, of heavy coagulated sauce. It made them look like Elizabeth I. And I reckon that if you'd have sat in that car, it would have been a meal in itself. Have you never had an exploding bottle, then? Well, I once, me and a friend once, were trying to fast-track freeze a bottle of cider. Oh, this is a lovely anecdote.

And we put it in the freezer, and we thought, give it, like, half an hour, and it'll be cold, you know, cool, cold. But the freezer was a bit more powerful than we thought, and it exploded. We heard the bang. And it was quite a dangerous business, socking the ice through, you know, with broken glass fragments. But, yeah, so don't do that if you're listening at home. Woodpecker?

I think it might have been Old English. Oh, lovely. Which is a little bit stronger than Woodpecker. For anyone who's listening for tips this Christmas. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Now, we need to discuss the topical news story of the week.

Nigel Mills MP caught playing Candy Crush in the House of Commons. Disgraceful. He said he only played a game or two and then it was shown that he was playing for two and a half hours. In fairness to him, it was a meeting about pensions. And now he's going to be investigated

by the sergeant at arms, which I think sounds rather extreme. I do think he is. I think the person who took the photo. The person who filmed it. So they're basically taking a who-smelt-it-dealt-it approach to wrongdoing. Yes. Yeah, because they shouldn't have been taking pictures.

Can I say I think the whole thing is a set-up? Do you? Yeah, I think. For what? Candy Crush promotions? No, my theory is that this is the Conservative Party saying, we're actually quite like you, Coop. Oh, really? Yeah, you know, we're a bit talk sport.

Because the theory is now that people, ideally, if people could have anyone in government, it would be Top Gear. Yeah. That's who they really want to vote for. But, you know, they'll settle for Nigel Farage or Boris or something like that and David Cameron has said I play computer games as well

I think they're really trying to say we're a bit bloke like what you keep on David Cameron's a fan of Angry Birds Angry Pheasants I think is a version he plays Danny Alexander has gone on the record of saying that he's got to level 230 of Candy Crush I thought of gingerness.

I'm on about level 132. Really? Can I say, I hadn't heard of Candy Crush until I saw this news story this week. You're such good friends with me and you don't know her. What about when I was sitting there having breakfast, a radio team brunch, and I was pretending I was doing something important on my phone and I was communicating with you all and Daisy leant over and hit the shame when she saw the

berry fruits and the little wrap sweets. I was playing it. She said, what are you doing? Most people savour their moments with me. But it must be odd working in the fashion industry and you're tantalising yourself by playing things with sweeties. That's what it is. That's exactly what it is.

It's an odd story. His majority at the last election for Nigel Mills was 536. So he really can't afford to be shown. No, but he thinks this will get me a load of votes because people think he's a good bloke. I speak as an expert on this. I once won an award which was called Bloke of the Year. I know the pose you were doing when you got the acceptance. Yes, of course. I wouldn't have minded. I think he should go the whole hog and just play like Street Fighter 2.

I think he should have played Doctor Who Legacy. Then I would have probably voted for him myself. I'd have moved to his constituency. Can I tell you what bears out? Which is Gallifrey East. Looking at the picture of Nigel Mills, I think he's eaten a few levels of candy crush. I know that's completely uncalled for.

Can I tell you what bears out? I stand by my words. Your line of questioning. This is borne out by the fact that when they asked them about it, David Cameron, he admits that he likes Angry Birds and he said he wasn't going to admonish him because he's an addict himself. You're absolutely right.

Oh dear. All those parents now who've got the kids who they haven't spoken to for about three years because they're playing their Game Boy DS things. It's the modern equivalent of, you know the kids who used to be brought up in cupboards, used to get in the paper and all that. That's what it is. It's the self-imposed exile. It's always the teenage boy on the end of the family, at the airport. Everyone else is talking as a kid who's just wrapped up in some game

machine. What a lovely influence. Those parents have been saying, stop doing that, and their MPs are doing it. It's the end of the world. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Before we go today, I wanted to...

A four-year go. I wanted to ask your advice. I'm doing probably the scariest gig of my life tomorrow. And I wanted to know how you guys cope with scary things. Taliban corporate. They're quite vociferous in their heckles.

I bet they are. I'm opening tomorrow at the O2 for Russell Howard. Who are you, Lady Gaga? Yeah, yeah. And it's pretty much the most... That's impressive, man. I was worried it would sound like a humble brag, and it's not at all, because I'm probably walking

into the most nailed-on death of my life. Right. As they won't be expecting a support act, and it's going to be, hang on a second, he's got way smaller muscles than I was expecting. I think they'll expect a support act. How long will you do, Steve? It's usually, when I've done it before for me,

it's between 20 and half an hour. OK. So that's it, it's yours. You're the... Blimey. You're the palate cleanser. Yeah, well, we did a warm-up in Worthing last night and I described myself as the canary sent down the mineshaft

to work out what the crowd were like. Yeah, good. And I bet they loved you, didn't they? It was lovely last night, Worthing. Well, then why should O2 be any different? It's an odd thing, psychologically. Why should size... How many seats in that cab?

16,000. Oh, Frank. Oh. my my the note i've written myself is a very comics response oh yeah well it's great it's a 16 000 but it plays like a 13 000. it's very intimate okay well i saw um julie andrews there and her show was i love julie andrews and it was it was outrageous in its badness. Simeon's gift. Yeah, it didn't bother her in the slightest. Consider ye the confidence of Julie Andrews.

Daisy, the producer, is playing Candy Crush. If it's going badly, I'll just start singing rainbows on whiskers. Rainbows on whiskers? As I went into it, I knew I had no clue what the lyrics are. I'm sure it'll be lovely I'm looking forward to it My main mental note to myself is pretend that you're in Kasabian Just walk out

I'd be really scared but I think you'll be great And what I can recommend is call Paul McKenna He'll say you're amazing, you're marvellous You can do it But the worry with that would be What if Paul McKenna went you're rubbish I've watched the set on YouTube It's a really average display of what you're doing.

Why have you let that be on there? I prepare for, if I've got really a big event like that coming up, like some big TV thing or something, I prepare with sleepless nights and headaches.

I think that's the way to prepare. If you don't have that, then showbiz is so unendingly pleasant. Yeah. It becomes unjust. I mean, it's just even unjust. It's just wrong that it should be. So you've got to take the horrors of anticipation failure. Yeah.

Otherwise, it's just it's not fair on the people who work, the eight people who still work in factories in Great Britain. No, you're absolutely right. So take it like a man. What a lovely Christmassy note to end things on. Happy Christmas, everyone. I've taken to looking at pictures of my daughter. When the snowman brings his... Looking at pictures of my daughter, that's the best psychological,

because it's kind of, you have to earn the money, you've got to keep that fed. Yes. Well, that's a lovely way of looking at it, Steve. And as I've said before, I always think of the man who wrote the one tune, the one show theme. But he had the audacity to deliver that.

One, da-da-da-da-da. One. That's what confidence is all about. Okay, so this is our last live show of 2014 thank you for being with us this year and it's been lovely there's been awards

podcasts of the year things, great and we love you and thank you for your endless support and encouragement I've met so many on tour and they are out there, honestly. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time.

Well, what we will have, actually, to be honest, is two greatest hit shows in the slot the next two weeks, which will be, I suppose, better than the normal shows. Yeah, they'll be much better. I might even listen to those myself. That's a possibility. OK, have a fabulous Christmas. Now, get out.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.