The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Fan Belt

Episode Date: April 16, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Alun Cochrane and Zoe Lyons this week. The team discuss sounds from the past, being starstruck and Quiche Lorraine and Frank has a travel nightmare.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and this morning I am with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons. Morning. Has joined us. Morning. A to Z. Alan to Zoe. Yes, covering the whole gamut of first names.

I think you have to say first names now. If you say Christian names you'd be off air for three weeks with a telling off. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you please. OK. Covering all the ages. Oh, there he goes again. loves a bit of clicking So, um, let me tell you

Well, first of all, um, Zoe, welcome Thank you It's, um, but I'm just going to ask Alan a question Because he does a lot of physical Do you do a lot of physical things? What do you mean by physical things? I mean in the gymnas things rather than in the in the domestic not in the gymnasium i'm a runner and a walker oh are you yeah depending on what sort of situation

yeah yeah depending on the steepness of the hill depending on how the gig went i'm a runner yeah yeah what's that old saying that the audience were with me all the way, but I managed to lose them at the railway station. I love old jokes like that. Oh, yes, great. Love them. I love them. And, you know, I know it's coming. Uh-huh.

And still love it. You know, I do Pilates twice a week. Right. The reason I do Pilates is first of all I misread it and thought it was scenes from the Old Testament. New Testament. I'll change that. And can we

change that Steve? Live! Oh. And also I I work with Joan Batewell, who's in her early 80s, and is an absolute inspiration and a force of nature. And she does Pilates.

Right. And then I met Sir Ian McKellen, and he said to me, it's absolutely essential. And I thought, I'm going to get in early. I'm not going to wait. I'm going to get in early. So I've been doing it. And then I was doing it last week,

and I really felt something going. Ow! One of those real... And my Pilates teacher, who is tough, said to me, oh, you've torn a muscle. Ow! And I said, what?

Which sounded really big to me. And she said, welcome to the world of sport. But that's not... Sport Pilates? Yeah, well, it is. I mean, it is. It feels like sport. Oh, OK.

I've never been to a Pilates class. Are instruments of torture involved? Do you have to spin yourself up on a piece of apparatus? I think people, and I love apparatus more than most people, but when I first, I tried it years ago and it was all apparatus. All right. And then I find that people now, they call stuff Pilates and it just means stuff that really hurts.

Right. Because we do all manner of stretching when I honestly think in a minute I'm going to just snap like an elastic band. hurts right because we do all manner of stretching when i honestly think in a minute i'm just gonna i'm gonna just snap like a like an elastic band i mean i genuinely when i come out of there i feel like i've been not really badly beaten but certainly rough roughed up by more than six men put through the ringer yes exactly but that probably would be a Pilatus apparatus, wouldn't it? The old mangle. But I say we're very... The old mangle, I used to love her. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you like neighbours? No, it was... But what I've picked up on, I've noticed, is I've developed what sounds like an age grunt, because I've got this pain in my left thigh. You know age grunts, when people sit down and go... Yeah.

When I get out of a car, I did it this morning, I get out like this, oh! And I don't want the driver to think, oh God, he's one of those blokes that does age grunts. So I say I've torn a muscle in my leg. Do you add torn a muscle doing sport Pilates? I don't say that. I should say I've torn a muscle i'm i'm uh i dwell in the world of sports oops that was actually that was that was my thigh muscle it was already hanging by a thread i've been waiting for it to go what do you wear to pilates frank well that's um that's a good

question i what i whenever i've done sports with people around, I always try to wear the cheapest, nastiest gear I can. Because I want to really look like Alf Topper, who was a comic book character when I was a kid, who was an international athlete who lived on fish and chips and worked as a welder. Brilliant. He sounds fantastic. And he used to run against toffs who wore the best equipment. So I really wear horrible

stuff. And of course all the women that work there, I mean there are men that work there as well, but women teachers, the ones I have, they are all in like, you know, state of the art sports gear. And I like that I, it suits my level that I dress.

You're there in your Alf Tupperware. My Alf Tupperware. And what does Tupperware sound like when you open it? Here we go. What are your favourite impressions? I love that. It's my only impression. That one and Frank Bruner. Do you know what I mean, Ari?

But that is still work in progress. Absolute, absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio i had a very very very exciting experience this one hang on i thought you were going to ask me a question about pilates you say it all up as i just want to ask alan something and then i was going to talk to you about muscle tearing. I thought it's something you do a lot. She said it was a commonplace for people in the world of sports. In fact, she said to me, embrace the pain. Embrace the pain.

I think that's a bad thing to do, actually. But, hey, you know. I think most of the sports people nowadays would say, don't play through serious pain. Discomfort is fine, but not pain. Yeah, I think what she means is, you know, when hurts so much you think I'd better stop this, otherwise I'm going to faint? Mm-hm. At that point, you're supposed to say,

no, no, ooh, pain, ooh, lovey, lovey, lovey. Ooh, pain, ooh, baby. I don't like a baby. I really don't. And then suddenly you come to love pain. Do you agree with that? No, I don't like it, baby. I really don't. And then suddenly you come to love pain. Do you agree with that? No, I don't agree with that. I had a sporting injury last year that required me to wear...

Oh, stop showing off, Zoe. No, I did. I had a sporting injury and it required me to wear that quite trendy-looking... Oh, that blue tape. ...tape, yeah. And I quite enjoyed it. Cool. That is cool.

Yeah. I wore shorts for a couple of weeks just to show that off. Show your tape off. Show my tape off. People would go, Ooh, that looks serious. Yeah, it is actually. Quite serious.

I actually wear so much of that, it looks like a pot on my leg. I just wrap it right round. Do you wear it as well? No, not at all. I go horizontal with it. That's what I was pretending. But it did make me think, something else I did this week.

And I know I often talk about things that have disappeared from the... This is one of my themes on this show, so is whatever happened to, which is slightly pathetic, I know, but I still like it. I gargled this week and I thought, I don't know, is that still, is it in? Is it an in thing today? I think you brought it back last year or the year before, didn't you? I think it depends what fluids you were using. Well, the sound of, oh, day, the sound of, I was using salted water.

Oh, yeah. Wow, you're so old school sometimes. Yeah. No, what had happened is my scuba gear had malfunctioned. Oh, good, that's fine. Yeah, it was quite tricky, because I was being held by a giant squid. Oh. I can show you the circles on my legs.

Yeah. Now, so, just the sound of it is something I say to my dad. Oh, yeah. And I don't know, do people gargle anymore is what I want to know. That's this morning's texting. 8.12.15. In fact, generally speaking, sounds that you don't hear anymore I think is a good texting, don't you?

For example, I was crossing the road this week and a car went past going, and I went, fan belt. Oh, yeah. I haven't said that for years. i don't even know if they have fan belts i always shout that out because i once had a car with a slipping fan belt it's the only mechanical error that i can identify by a sound me too but i don't know if they if they have fan belts anymore i think they have um retro reserving rods oh yeah rods. Oh, wow. Yeah. And, um, that's only on a, um, a Playstow steel, um, mechanical winch operating section. You've changed.

But, um, the joy of going, fan belt, as it went past. And I mean, it might not have been. It might have been, uh, it might have been aliens. Sports injuries, mechanics. Yeah. It's like Top Gear, this. The testosterone.

Totally different. It's dripping off me. So it sounds that you don't hear any more. Do you think we'll get any answers at all? I think we'll get four. Four responses is my guess. Shall we open a book on it? Three, I'm going for that.

You're going three? I think we'll be inundated. Do you? How many? I think there's going to be... Inundated on this show means five. Yeah, all right. I'll go five plus. Okay, five plus.

Covered his bases. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've lit up the switchboard, as they say, with your... Seven? With your throwing the gauntlet down. I've lost count.

It's impossible to keep count. Can I say, I used to have a white plastic belt that had West Bromwich Albion written on it. Was that a fan belt? It was a fan belt. I've worn it for years and never thought to call it a fan belt.

Late review. That is great. That's a very light pun. You know, what's that thing the friends say about the something that's got it? The thought on the stairs. Yeah, this is the thought on the stairs to heaven. Plastic belt, did you say? Yeah, plastic. Did it have buckle or S-clip? No, no,

it had a buckle. What do you think I am? Some sort of a hooligan. Sounds absolutely lovely, doesn't it? Farn belt, though. You can probably get Justin Bieber belts. Oh, yeah, I think so. Dennis Toohey.

Dennis Toohey belts. Who's Dennis Toohey? Newsreader. I just like the idea of having his name on a belt. Dennis Toohey. That would be very specialised merchandise, wouldn't it? News reader. We'll be selling some Dennis Toohey belts after the show.

That would go well with my George Aligaya T-shirt. And my Jim Rosenthal Pez container. Just his head on the top. Anyway, so what have we got? This is our Sounds From The Past. It's, what is it, World Record Store vinyl thingy? Sounds you don't hear anymore, yeah. Sounds from the past, seems.

Hi, Frank. The loud donk noise when changing channels on old TVs before remote control. That's from Rob and Vicky having breakfast in bed. What? Both of them. What a life. Who got it? What a life. We used it? What a life. We used to have a boxer dog.

You used to have what? We used to have a boxer dog that would get up and turn the cooker on to boil the eggs. And we set out a tray in the morning to put the boiled eggs onto the tray, bring them up into our bed and then do a headstand at the side of the bed. Very clever boxers. When you lived in a cartoon, yeah. No, you're supposed to say, why did you do the headstand? And we say, we didn't have any headcups.

I never read the script this week. Oh, I sent you the script on Thursday. I feel like I should have. Barnaby has tweeted and said... Do you know Barnaby Wood? Barnaby Wood. Thanks for the tip. You don't hear people slamming the phone down anymore unless you're old. No that's... Unless you're old. You don't hear anything if you're old.

You can just see them slamming the phone down. That's true, you can't slam a mobile. You can't end a conversation, an angry conversation on the phone. Well, you can. As enthusiastically as you used to be able to do it. No, but cutting them off is... You know, slamming the phone down was a real... And then if you were really angry, double slam in the holster, whatever the cradle.

Thank you. My manager, who has something of a reputation for being fierce, I'd only been with the company for about three or four months. I walked into the office and he was slamming down a phone. As he slammed it, the entire phone, the bottom bit with the buttons, disintegrated. He slammed it that hard. He just said into the phone something quite sweary, which I won't

repeat. But it was you and your attitude were two of the bits. And he smashed into the phone and I was like gobsmacked. He looked up and saw me and said you won't be doing 606 this week. So that's how he closed

the deal. But you can't do that with a mobile. No, you can't. No, it's not a satisfaction. That's a very good point. That has never occurred to me before, that you can't do that. You can't slam a phone down with a mobile. I learn so much on this show.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Jazz has texted with the sound that he misses. Morning, Frank. I miss the sound of typewriters. Clatter, clatter, clatter, ding. The buzz of laser printers isn't the same. I've got three manual typewriters.

Oh, get you. Coming on commercial radio in 2016 and boasting. Partly because I love the sound, but also physically. It's great finger exercise as well. Partly Pilates, isn't it? When you go on one for the first time, I embrace the pain of manual typewriting. I started writing stand-up material

like it. I just blast it out as fast as I can, because at least it sounds like i'm writing terrible pain when you get the fingers caught between the keys on a on a on an old old type writer when you were able to go straight between the keys that can happen i also um if i add a moment kath shouting from downstairs are you still working? Put me off. Whereas with a word processor, do you still call them that? People don't know.

But it's a great, I love a manual typewriter. Can you still get ribbons for it? You can. In fact, I went into Ryman's and they just had some in there. Can you believe that? But I've also got that, are you familiar with that app, which is a typewriter thing? Do you know this? But I've also got that... Are you familiar with that app, which is a typewriter thing? Do you know this?

No. Hold it. I thought you were going to... That's fabulous. And what, can you do your text and stuff? You can do everything. This is the modern world. You often ask, does this exist anymore?

But actually, you're probably the person I know who uses apps the most. You always seem to have the latest app on the go. I like an app. It's a trendsetter. I like the world in my pocket, that's what I like. Pete from Carlisle has texted and he says, hi everyone, when I was a little boy, planes used to regularly break the sound

barrier when they passed overhead. The sonic boom used to rattle the windows. Not every plane though, Pete, was it? Not every plane, Pete. It was Concorde. It was the Concorde. It wasn't, yeah. Or it wasn't just a regular plane in a strong tailwind. Well, I've been, I went on Concorde and I don't,

even there, don't remember the sound of it breaking the barrier, the sound barrier. Would you hear it from the inside, though? I would have thought so. You're quite adjacent. You were probably listening to your Sony Walkman at the time, weren't you? Probably had that on, like... When was it? I remember I got to New York in three and a half hours.

Wow. I mean, come on! That is amazing. It was great, but it was like... It was a bit 60s and a bit chip round the edges and stuff. Cool. Oh, it was great. Very cool. Come on, Concord. Don't you miss that? Yeah, I it was like, it was a bit 60s and a bit chip round the edges and stuff. Cool. Oh, it's great. Come on, Concorde.

Don't you miss that? Yeah, I used to hear it booming up. We used to live in Surrey when I was a kid. This is such a retro show. I miss Concorde. Don't you miss Concorde? No, but Concorde is like the new cars. They're not very stylish, you know, whereas the new planes, you know, they've got those rubber bumpers on them.

I know that's the new cars. But Concorde looked like something from a space book. It really did, yeah. Oh, man, and also then we were friendlier with the French then. True. We were working together. Very true. I'll leave it there.

We have to leave it there legally at this point. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, look, something really, really exciting happened to me this week. You know, occasionally, very occasionally in life, you meet someone who you are genuinely super thrilled to meet. Not often. Not often.

But when it happens, oh, man. Especially if you know it's going to happen, so you've got time to think about it. So this week I did an audio drama. Did you? With Tom Baker. No way! I knew it would be Doctor Who related.

I know, but Tom Baker. Wow. I was, I can't tell you, I was, oh, we got there. And he was, he'd already arrived. And the producer said this is what he said he said he's in the green room he's sitting on the left

to give us a chance so I could you know when people are frightened of flying they have to visualise the whole flight it was like that so I got used to which way I was going to turn when I got in I got the hand ready

you might have just thought that you didn't have your contact lenses in and you might walk in and start saying, hello Tom, so just anyone in there or fall over him. First thing, because he's got the stick and stuff. Oh God, if I'd fell over him. So,

yeah, so I was all, you know, I embraced myself, so I walked in and I tell you what I did, I played it so cool i'd say all right tom really nice to meet you handshake sat down left it did you yeah because i didn't want to go what else what can you say at that point because then it does seem a little if you go straight out or straight off the bat with yeah well yeah um, it's, it was a sort of, I was a sort of, because I

knew I was going to be with him for four or five hours. Oh. So I, it was a sort of slow release fanboy. Uh-huh.

So it, it, it gradually just oozed out. Uh-huh. So by the time we were doing the photos, I was just saying to him,

look, I'll be honest, when I walked in, I just wanted to throw myself at your feet and all that. And he was, he was fine with it. Yeah. I was just saying to him, look, I'll be honest, when I walked in, I just wanted to throw myself at your feet. And all that. And he was fine with it.

Yeah. Oh, man. I respect his use to it. There was one bit, because obviously I was very keen to impress. There was a bit where, because I've been coughing all week. So we were in the studio. There's about three of us in the studio. And I'm going,

and I heard this voice say, it's like a chest ward in here. And I thought, I've upset Tom. I've brought up some terrible memory from his youth. But he was, I just can't tell you, the next day I had that glow, that warm glow, like when I've parked really well. Yeah, you love that, don't you?

Yes, I get that too, yeah. But yeah, just... And he didn't disappoint you know I'll tell you the other thing about him we we ended up as the day went on we talked more and more and you know he signed my script and all that stuff which he signed them for for Frank happy day And then old Tom Baker. Excellent. But I tell you what was the most exciting thing, is he's still really, really good at it.

Oh, that's good. Hearing him do it, he's still brilliant at it. And that was what really was more exciting than anything. He's still got it. There's a bit of me that wonders what age he was when he started to put old in front of his signature. Well, look, maybe he's never done it before. Oh, do you think? But that's the first.

You're the moment he became old. Yeah, maybe he didn't want me to sell it on eBay as one that I'd got when he was in the show. No. I told him, I said, I'll never put this on eBay. I said, although, of course, it might be when I die that my, you know, my family, if they die Australian, they might put it on. It's good you're honest with them.

I can't speak for them. I went through all the possible events. It's good you're honest with them. But, ah, it was, I know people think it's a bit naff getting starstruck, but you know what they can do? Mm-hmm. They can. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank They can... Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. So what about you guys? You ever had that experience when you're just so excited? Really starstruck? Well, you had Tom Baker for me it was Terry Butcher. So it's basically people's initials TB. Butcher the Baker. Was it's basically people's initials for TB.

Butcher the Baker. Was it Tanya Broyer with you? I'm assuming that Zoe was a candlestick maker. No, I do remember meeting... Can I say I'm sorry I hadn't picked up on the Butcher Baker thing? Oh, it's all right. No, I didn't just let you down. I let the listeners down. So many jokes get thrown away, that's part of it.

I do remember as a kid meeting Jeff Capes at some event where he'd, like, pulled a truck or a car or something. Oh, yeah, he wasn't Fosse. Yeah. I mean... But that, like, that was quite impressive and I remember feeling, like, really tiny when I shook his hand. Were you genuinely excited to meet Jeff Capes? Yeah, I remember it. Brilliant. I remember feeling like really tiny when I shook his hand Were you genuinely excited

to meet Geoff Capes? Yeah I remember it brilliant. I remember being impressed For our younger listeners Geoff Capes was he was a shot pot person who then went on to be a regular in the World's Strongest Man Oh I love World's Strongest Man I love that show

it's Christmas isn't it? Every Christmas it's on it comes from Reykjavik and there's always somebody bleeding out of their nose. Why does it always come from Reykjavik? Just because they're big there. They've got a lot of marbles to move. A lot of stone marbles. Yeah, I suppose they are.

And why is it whenever I see the nominations for radio awards that people who run breakfast shows are always called Barbie and Jojo. Or Benzo and Steve. I don't know how to answer that question. Why is that?

Is that a separate texting that you want to run on 8, 12, 15? Melvin and Wahoogie. Why don't you just get people... I like some of their early stuff. Yeah, well, yeah. Wahoogie was preferred on her own. See how I decided her gender then. Just like that.

Like that. Yeah. So do you have capes? That's a great one. I don't find myself getting starstruck as an adult very often. You've worked with them all, so I'm surprised that you get it. I'm not, because it's a Doctor Who thing. But you're, you're, you're, I don't think it's the wrong way. You're not a man who's

overly impressed. I'm not. I'm really not. I would love to see Alan just shaking with an autograph. Yeah, yeah. Please, please can I have your autograph? I can't imagine Alan being that impressed by anything. Yeah, I'm not. I don't find it very easy to get starstruck, I must admit. And I, I... Not just starstruck, I mean anything.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. What can I tell you? I wish I was more oomph. I think some people think starstruckness is a bit pathetic, but if it happens, it happens. It happened to me properly this year. Last year now, actually.

Within the last 12 months. I was a massive Human League fan as a kid. I mean phil loki was my i would say pretty much my only man crush as i was growing up i had a massive poster of him with his lopsided haircut oh i loved it yeah we had hair that rode side saddle side saddle hair and i got to meet him last summer and i was properly starstruck and i had records for him to sign and I was 12 again. Did he sign all the stuff? He signed my stuff.

He didn't sign them old Phil. He didn't sign them old Phil. Bold Phil. He still looks good though. He looks great. The hair's gone. No, the hair's gone. He looks great and he was very charming. He couldn't have...

If his hair had stayed and was white, I think that would look... It'd look a fabulous... You know how sometimes Snow Honey hits one side of a house? Oh, yes. It would look like that. Funny he'd gone for that, but, you know, I suppose God has decided, as he so often does.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is The Breakfast Show with Martin and Labooby. It isn't.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran. And this morning, the fabulous Zoe Lyons is with us. Morning. You can text our show on 81215, follow our show at frankontheradio, email our show via the Absolute Radio website. Very professionally put together, that. Well, it says The Show on there,

but I thought, let's just point out the fact we're a team. OK, nice. It's my kind of, it's my philosophy of life. In the news this week, celebrity baker, not Tom Baker, different baker, the judge, Paul Hollywood. Call him Tom Baker, call him Tom Baker. Work with them all now. Paul Hollywood, yeah Hollywood. Calling Tom Baker, calling Tom Baker.

Work with them all now. I'll put Paul Hollywood here. You've literally worked with them all now. Yeah, Paul Hollywood has said, I don't know if this is a joke, I think he might be just teasing the press. He said that his son made a quiche in his food tech class and got a low mark for it, and Paul Hollywood, as his dad, sent an angry

note saying, and I can quote, he said... You're going to quote the note? I'm going to quote the note. How dare you give my son such a low mark. His quiche was worth at least a nine out of ten. That's the kind of parent he is. He's defending Josh, his boy. I suppose he would know.

Can I ask a question here, a technical question? Yeah. I think this again might be going into, this is how things used to be. But for me, I remember the sort of, the rise of the qu of the the quiche into into the british consciousness and it was always called quiche lorraine that's a specific sort of is it yes yes i think it has cheese and ham it's got yes ham or bacon bits on it right isn't it yeah and everyone said oh i had i had one of those

quiche lorraine's and that's so so what happened is that quiche is broadened out in this country. Yeah, now it's gone all spinach and ricotta. I suppose Lorraine arrived first. You know when people send over the breadwinner and they get some money, get a place to live, and then the rest of the family arrive? I suppose Lorraine was the... The pioneer of the egg-based pie.

Well, I'm not so much a pioneer. I'm more of a flan-ineer. But, yeah, so they're not all quiche Lorraines Not all quiches are Lorraines And do they all have girls' names? No I don't think so anymore No, that's a pity

In fact, I think They might be like Storms Sadly, I think they've gone a bit more literal now So like, you could get cheese and onion quiche So there must, quiche Lorraine If, as you say, that's a type There must be other You must be able to get a quiche

It would be nice if A quiche more A quiche little A quiche more. A quiche little. A quiche Susan. Yes. Yeah. Quiche Barney and Bendy.

Yeah, exactly. That's on the quiche breakfast show. Yeah, that would have egg and sausage in there. Yes. Because it's a breakfast show. Or maybe bits of toast. I don't know. I'm never sure about quiche. I think I like it.

Then I get halfway through and I go, don't like it. Don't like it. I don't know. I'm never sure about quiche. I think I like it. Then I get halfway through and I go, don't like it. Don't like it. I don't know if I've really ever found my quiche. Paul Hollywood also says... I like it. I like it. Paul Hollywood also says, of Josh, his son, who's 14, he says, Josh knows how to make a loaf of bread, which is much more complicated than whipping up a Victoria sponge.

Are we talking about Keish? Yeah, no, he's got confused there. I don't like any bit of that sentence. I don't like the sound of Josh. I don't like the sound of the loaf of bread. I don't like the sound of Josh. You can't say that about him. Why not?

He's 14 and he can make a loaf of bread. What's wrong with him? He's just putting the ingredients into one of those machines that you buy and then never use. My kids can eat a loaf of bread, but they can't make a loaf of bread. What's wrong with him? He's just putting the ingredients into one of those machines that you buy and then never use. My kids can eat a loaf of bread, but they can't make a loaf of bread. It's great that he made a loaf of bread. Isn't it? So when the kid nicks a loaf of bread in Lombisroble, you think he's a hero. You make a loaf of bread, you think he's a scoundrel.

Yes, exactly. What's happened? Broken Britain. I made a loaf of bread once and it was a tremendous success. In the oven or with a machine? No, no, in the oven. Oh, OK. I made...

On the same day... This was my only ever baking day. On the same day, apart from one terrible Jamie Oliver experiment, I made a fabulous lemon meringue pie. Oh, now that is my favourite. That's my proper favourite. It looked like if Phil Oakey had had an afro after his hair had gone white.

I mean, on top of it, it was this fluffy white. Beautiful. And that's your history of baking. When you get it that good first time, you think, I'll leave it alone now, because anything else is only going to spoil the dream. Like your meringues you had peaked. But I think it's... Yes, exactly.

Exactly. Oh, don't get meringue as well, was what Chrissie Hynde said to me as I was leaving the house. Don't get meringue. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 601 has texted, A Wikipedia fact.

Quiche Lorraine is named after the region Lorraine in France. I don't know if that means they've checked it on Wikipedia or they mean this is the kind of thing people know from Wikipedia. Yeah, I think that's good, but that would suggest to me that other quiches are probably named after other regions, but we never hear of it. I was wondering that the other

day as I ate my Cypriot quiche. Is there such a thing? Not at all. I imagine they're all French, but you know, there's, I mean, what about Alsace, normally twinned with Lorraine? Is it? Yeah, Alsace-Lorraine, but you never hear of quiche Alsace. Quiche Alsace, normally twinned with Lorraine. Is it? Yeah, Alsace-Lorraine. But you never hear of Quiche Alsace.

Quiche Alsace. Quiche Alsace. You never get a Quiche... Possibly because it's quite difficult to say. Quiche Burgundy or anything like that. Quiche Burgundy. I think I went to school with her. Quiche Burgundy. Okay.

I went up to my son's school because he came home with um orange juice in his hair i've been quite a lot right with as if someone had tipped um a bowl of orange juice i'm thinking bowl rather than a tumbler so i i went up to collect him and said to the teacher, what was he? He came home yesterday with a lot of orange juice in his hair. And there's a teacher and two

support. And they're really nice, but they all looked... You know those scenes in Amahara when Peter Cushing goes into a pub and says, does this mean anything to you? And holds up a piece of paper with a pentagram on it. And they all go, I never said that before in my life! And then the barmaid might say, but I think, Susan! I think you've got working down in the cellar.

It was all a bit like that. And I never really got to the bottom of what had happened. And then they said, I think there was some sort of... And then they trailed off, and in the end it became too awkward to push it too far, because it wasn't a dangerous thing, but... No, it's fine. But there was... I still... It still hangs over me, the orange juice mystery. At least his teeth won't be rotting with it.

No. Not just his hair. Yeah. He's ginger as well. I mean, I don't know if they were topping him up. Do you think that's who it was? Do you think it was sort of banter, childish, like, oh, I'll make your hair oranger?

And the other... No, I'm going to fess up to this now, because, I mean, this is where parenting gets a bit borderline acceptable. He was in a play group the other week. In the holidays, you send them to this thing for three days, and at the end of it, they do a show. So he did Wizard of Oz. Oh, cool.

And he was Uncle Henry. Do you remember Uncle Henry? No. No, exactly. Well, that's my point. He was Dorothy's uncle. She lived with her auntie and uncle, Dorothy. I don't know quite what had gone on there.

No. I don't remember any story of the parents. But anyway, somebody might know if there's any... What's he called? Frank L. Baum. Wow. Is that that right who's that good knowledge was she an orphan dorothy well she lived with her with auntie m and um uncle henry maybe it's because she had a dog and that was the only place that would accept them these days

this was a renting system that's going on yeah well i'll tell you someone i know booked danny larue the great female impressionist, and he said he'd do this gig as long as they put him in a hotel where he could take his dog with him. And then they cancelled. They got a phone call from the hotel about two weeks later saying, actually, we've

changed our policy on having dogs. Some poor devil had to phone up Danny LaRue and tell him. And he phoned up and Danny LaRue said, No, dog, no, Danny. And that was it. That was the end. Anyway, so Boz had one line, which was, Em, get Dorothy.

And I said to Kath, I said, You know what, I should have took him on the first day. Because once they saw the celebrity link, he'd have been absolute, absolute minimum scarecrow. Yeah. And the fact that I even thought that... Yeah. What's happened to me?

Monstrous. What's happened to me? 8.12.15. It's this morning's texting. What's happened to me? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Zoe Lyons is with us today.

Remember her? I do, yeah. Frank said that with eye contact at me as if I'd been ignoring you all morning. Hi, Zoe. Who is that weirdo sat in the corner? How are you? I'm good, thanks, guys.

I'm good. It's nice to be here. I've had a fun-filled week. Have here. I've had a fun-filled week. Have you? I've had my fence replaced in the back garden. It made me feel very, very grown up. Well, I've heard some euphemisms. I don't even want to investigate.

What happened to your fence? Storm Katie took the other one away. Oh, I know all about Storm Katie. Took the other one away. Was it a white picket no it wasn't it was a bit of old trellis actually that was we were kind of calling offense but actually in reality it was a trellis we'd sort of bigged it up um and was something growing up up the trellis absolutely it was smothered in jasmine smothered in a very mature jasmine

though yeah okay yeah a mature jasmine mature jasmine no it's just forgive me for my ignorance is it assented is it scented it is it's one of the few plants i couldn't recognize this dawned on me this week when i've been spending a lot of time out my garden because i was looking at the thought well i know a jasmine and i could probably point out a magnolia, but that is about it. Well, when I lived in... I grew up in a council house in the West Midlands, and we had an outdoor toilet. And one of the joys of the outdoor toilet, and there's more than one, one of the joys was we had honeysuckle growing up the wall of the outside toilet. And when you went out at night to use the toilet,

before the ordeal of the actual toilet itself, was this beautiful smell of honeysuckle in the air. Oh, that's like nature's Febreze, isn't it? Yes. It's just sort of... Nice story. It's like nature's saying, we'll give you a bit of this. It's like, you know when people have...

When they have tequila, they have a bit of something... What did they have? Lemon before, is it? Lime. Or is it salt before? Salt, shoot, lime. Salt, shoot, lime. Lime? Shoot. Lime. Yeah, so I think it was the salt and then I'd go into the

fire and shoot. And then, actually we didn't have any lime. I don't think we knew what lime was. We might have had quick lime. Quick lime. Which is stuff that was good for getting rid of, well, murder victims. It's one of the things it was popular with when I was young.

But not in our house. No. One thing about our family, never done any murders. Say what you like about it. Never did any dissolving. Say what you like about our family. We didn't do any murders. That's good. But it's been dawning me as I've been stood in my garden looking at my fence. It didn't do any murders. That's good.

But it's been dawning me as I've been stood in my garden looking at my fence. It's been dawning. It's been dawning. I've been dawned upon. Oh, it's dawned. This is great. That I don't... Because I get a couple of birdies in the garden.

Feathered variety. Yeah, feathered variety. Let me guess. Sparrows and starlings. Well, that's the thing, Frank. I couldn't actually tell you. Unless it's a robin or a blue tit, I'm none the wiser. Uh-huh. So I...

You must get seagulls in your garden. I know a seagull. Yes. I know a seagull. Frush? Not for a while. Steady on. Steady on. She always sits like that.

I mean, I had to throw it up once I thought of it, didn't I? Good on you. But I feel bad that I can't identify more than maybe five birds. Can you still get I Spy books? Because they were brilliant. I Spy books. I Spy books, so you get British birds. And what you do is when you spot one, you tick it off and some of them score higher than others.

And it was very, very good for that. Because you're right, I feel like that about trees. Yes. Because I love trees. I have tree hogged. You do love trees, don't you? But I'm not a person that can go, oh, a beech, alder, ash. I could identify an oak probably.

Acorn. No, not an acorn. What's the other one? An acorn tree? An acorn tree. Let's call it an oak. I could identify an oak, probably. Acorn. No, not an acorn. What's the other one? An acorn tree? An acorn tree. Let's call it an oak. Yeah. I think they are. We'll leave it there, Zoe, I think. The acorn tree.

Christmas. I can do those. Christmas trees. Christmas tree. Family. Magic tree. Magic tree. Magic tree. Magic tree. Magic tree. Magic tree. Do you know, I went in a minicab the other day, and the bloke not only had a magic tree, but his old magic tree, you know when they lose their scent,

he had like a clump of them, he had 20 of them. He just couldn't throw them away. Chlorine, isn't it, to the back of the throat? A forest. No, but they'd lost all their scent, these ones. They don't ever really fade completely. There's always that... That's what he's banking on

with 20 of them in the car. It just made me think of the way we've destroyed the rainforest. So I doubt these things come to you. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've just had a text. We'll come back to Zoe's bird spotting in the garden momentarily, I'm sure.

Hi, Frank and team. On the subject of Quiche Lorraine, what about Dundee cake and chicken Kiev? Maybe it was a race, and once a food had used the name of its city slash region, no other similar food was allowed to do that. In years to come, we might be discovering culinary masterpieces locked away in freezers, abandoned projects that the creators just gave up on. Culinary? Culinary.

Culinary. Culinary. To be honest, they've spelt it wrong, and as I said it, I had to rejig there right in a bit. I like it. Culinary. Very fashionable food. All right, Paul Hollywood.

Okay. Culinary. Eccles cakes. Is that what we'd say? Eccles cakes. Another one. Love an E what we'd say because i have a bit of a guilt thing about paul hollywood because he started doing shows on his own now oh well you know i thought of him as mary berry as very much a double actor but he's doing like paul hollywood this and on his radio 2 show he asked for um any artists that people would like to hear him

play and i texted him chop berry and I wonder if he's misread it. Anyway. I've got a lovely tweet in from Robert Ratcliffe. Robert Ratcliffe? What's the name of Bud Cassidy and the Sondland's Kid? And he's tweeted in a picture of an I Spy book. Oh. Yes, you can still get them.

It's In the Night Sky, which... I Spy in the Night Sky. On the front cover of the book, it's just got a picture of the moon, so I'm guessing it's a fairly basic interpretation of the night sky. Well, no, that'll be a low score. Yeah. What's that big thing in the sky? There'll be other things like Alpha Centauri, which will score much higher.

Yeah, you'll get 10 points for that. Ganymede, it's got to be 20. other things like Alpha Centauri, which will score much higher. Ganymede has got to be 20. We discussed in the past I think it was when something happened in the sky. Something happened in the sky? It might have been an eclipse or something. There was all these photographs of places in the middle of the night and I mooted

the idea that the moon is the original photobomber. It's in loads of backgrounds of photos. And so I wouldn't be surprised if it's in that book. Yeah, just lurking. I remember that conversation. I think that was when I arrived at the theory that the moon and the sun are the most famous jobs here. Anyway, so...

The sun's on more money, though, isn't he? So are you... Well, it's hotter work. Yeah. So... And then, of course... Longer hours in the summer. Photosynthesis as well.

That takes it out of you. I have actually got a fish identification. Where there's the moon, just a bit of mental illness occasionally. And that's it. Moves the odd wave. Apart from that, just pulls a stupid face sorry you've got fish ID

in my attempt to get closer to nature and be able to identify more of it I've bought myself a fish identification book that I keep in my loo and I try and learn it's a bit optimistic you open your system going past. Yeah.

It's got a glass eye. I try and learn a fisher visit. Do you? Yeah. But that's, I respect you for that. People should do that more. They're not British fish, because they're a bit dull. It's fish of the Caribbean, Bahamas and South Florida.

Because it's a bit more exciting. Will you ever see those fish? I don't know. In the flesh? Your scuba? A scuba dive? But I learned a lovely thing, right, the other day on one of my visits. There's an orange-spotted goby, which is a tiny little fish

with very little to identify it, but it hooks up. What about those orange spots? It's got the orange spots, but other than that, it's really just a sort of sausage with eyes underwater. But it hooks up with a blind snapping shrimp and they live together. Does it lead the blind snapping shrimp around? Blind snapping shrimp sounds like a New Orleans band, doesn't it?

No, the blind snapping shrimp builds them both a little home and the orange-bodied goby protects them both. Isn't that nice? I love that story. That is nice. Isn't nature wonderful? So now you know. How many fish can you identify I love that story. That is nice. Nature wonderful. So now you know.

How many fish can you identify now from the Caribbean? From the Caribbean Bahamas and South Florida? Yeah. Probably a good 20. Wow. Yeah. That's fantastic. It's as if the scales have fallen away from your eyes.

From my eyes. That's great. I'm going to have something in the toilet that helps me to identify things. I really worry about where this is going. Is there a staff booklet for Absolute? That's great. I'm going to have something in the toilet that helps me to identify things. I really worry about where this is going. Is there a staff booklet for Absolute? Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had some, I think, useful information. And you know we like to read out useful information if we ever get any good morning frank is it a life hack I don't think I don't think it quite qualifies as a life hack I'll proceed and see if you think it is good morning frank and co you can get iSpy books at most large garden center shops brackets not plant nurseries no it's brackets and national trust places good show julian cambridge oh I love the national trust we don't read out price I know nurseries. No. And National Trust places. Good show, Julie in Cambridge. Oh, I love the National Trust. We don't read out price. I know, but I just felt like... She might have been saying, good show. Yeah, exactly.

The fact that you can get them in there. Yeah. I love National Trust. Well, I work at the National Trust quite a bit. What do you do for the National Trust? I do a show on Sky called A Landscape Artist of the Year. And we film at National Trust properties so I'll pick up some of my spy books

when I'm on the road. Yeah, why not? One day I'm going to work for the National Trust, a volunteer just standing in the corner of a large manor house, just wearing a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches and a soft brogue. I can dream. Yeah, I think they have a heavy... It's pretty much what Frank does. Yeah.

Soft brogue and a jacket, haven't you? I have a heavy... It's pretty much what Frank does. Yeah. Got a soft brogue and a jacket, haven't you? I have a heavy... Can I repeat an anecdote? I was on a tour at a National Trust property and the person was telling us about all the famous people who lived in the house. And I said, and Henry I and Henry II, this is their house, isn't it?

And the guy looked, really? And then I pointed, there was two Henry Hoofers peeping out of a room at the back. I was very pleased with it. So pleased I've told it again. When it's spring again. So carry on, what else has happened? I'm interested, Zoe.

Zoe lives in Brighton, I should say. Yeah, nice end of Brighton. That's why she gets her... Her, actually. Her. If you were confused that she gets seagulls in her garden. Yeah. I once had a seagull steal food from my barbecue in the garden. Landed on a lit barbecue.

What? I know. And made off with a lamb chop. Really? Made off with a lamb chop. And that must have been a hot lamb chop. made off with a lamb chop. Unbelievable. Really, made off with a lamb chop. And that must have been a hot lamb chop. It was a hot lamb chop. I mean, a beak looks fairly durable. I wonder if you can still, if you can burn a beak the way we can burn a tongue. No, man, it's beak, it's paw, it's paws.

She's not an animal expert. No, she's admitted as much. His bird paws were on the barbecue. Yeah. So there you go. We lost a lamb chop, gained a drumstick, so, you know, that's nature. So it took it in its webbed feet. No, no, it landed with its webbed feet on the barbecue.

Yes. And then in that sort of two seconds it was there, stole a lump of beef. But that was in its beak. That was in its beak. The most confusing barbecue stroke seagull anecdote I've ever heard in my life. Ever. You know those plasticky oven gloves that you can get?

Oh yes, I like those. They're like high-end plastic. Like they should be in the Muppet Show. No, no, no, for an oven glove. Like not a cloth one that doesn't work. They do plastic ones now that are really, like, they're the job. If you stuck two eyes on them, they would be a basic character from the Muppet Show.

Yeah. But that's true of every glove. No, not every glove. These have a real sort of aesthetic thing about them. I've got an oven glove which I had made, which is, it looks like a boxing glove. And you know the Everlast thing? Yes.

In the style of Everlast, you know, broad at the end, going thin in the middle and then coming out broad again. It's got Skinner written on it. That is thin. It is thin. Did you use it the one time that you baked something? No, I use it all the time.

For what? For taking hot stuff out the oven. Oh, okay. That makes sense. I thought that would be okay with an oven glove. Yeah, I think vanity can manifest itself in many forms, but the oven glove is at least fairly inventive.

It's a few down from a private reg on your car, I suppose. Indeed. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The sound I miss is the one of foil milk bottle tops in a bag, like when you had to collect them for school. Oh, yeah. Where do they all go to? Straight in with having a go at recreating the sounds.

I'm an have-a-go kind of a guy. I absolutely know bashfulness about it. Just straight in for the recreation. I've come for me, I've come for me guide dog. What were they ever exchanged for? Aren't you normally led by an orange spot goby? Yes, I'm out on my own today. I've built the house. He's, he's, he's having a basque. Basque? Yes. Not a basque. There's a Spanish diving expedition. I've come for me guide dog.

Got me tops. Sorry, carry on. Well, well. What did they ever exchange bottle tops for? I don't know. Guide dogs? But how'd you get, what's that currency? What was it? Yeah. 100,000 tops for a for? I don't know. Guide dogs. But how did you get... What's that currency?

What was it? 100,000 tops for a dog? There were different times. I think recycling still existed then. So I think you could... I think that it actually made silver. Well, right. Big lumps of silver.

Silvery jewellery. Which were then melted down and sold and then the money was spent on Labradors there may be other guide dogs, I think of Labradors as monopolising the guide dog market I think they've probably got the right temperament

for it there must be other guide dogs a lot of people have texted and tweeted saying that they miss rag and bone men and scrap men. And old iron. We used to have about when... Old ring and old rhiners. Give an old dog a think about the ironers.

Is that the motor again? That's what he used to say. My goodness. I think it was a stream of consciousness, rag and bone men. She just does all of them. It's like that guy off Police Academy's here, isn't it? That's all the sound effect. Oh, that'd be, um...

Uh... Whistling What? Where are you going? Hello, everybody! Right, Tom. Getting volatile. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Zoe Lyons

and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8.12.15, follow our show on 8. You can't follow it on 8. Is he still there? You can follow it on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. You can't follow it on 8. Is he still there? You can follow it on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You'll be thinking about Tom Baker.

That's what will happen there, just when he has his little drift off. Ah, thinking Tom Baker, thinking Tom Baker. Fanbill, when I went down to do my audio drama with Tom Baker, the fourth doctor, I, um, which is probably a secret, it just occurred to me. Whoops. Anyway, um, I went to, um, Wadsworth, is it called? Wadsworth. No, not Wadsworth.

Wadsworth. Wadsworth. Is that where rich people go? Wadsworth. I'm not sure it's called. Wadsworth is it called? Wadsworth No not Wandsworth Wadsworth Wadsworth Is that where rich people go? Wadsworth I'm not sure it's called Wads of cash Where Wadsworth Even less than they are in the real world

It began with W I went there And First of all It was early in the morning But I was getting the train from I think platform 5 I didn't realise it mattered which block of machines you go to

when you put your ticket in to get in, which turnstile. So I went in through the turnstile and then realised I couldn't get to Platform 5. What train platform was it? What train station? Narnia. It gets its trains from... Now you've got me. Yeah. St Pancras? No No it was Charing Cross

So I got through and then I couldn't get to the right platform So then I had to ask a man If I could go back through Which he did As if he was doing me the biggest favour in the world And then I went to the right bit And then the ticket didn't work So I obviously used my entrance

Then I felt like a scammer Like a right scammer And then the ticket didn't work, so I obviously used my entrance. Then I felt like a scammer. Like a right scammer. And then I had to call the man over and he was busy. Oh, it was like a real nightmare. Then I got on the train and I was settled on the train. I went to standard class. Yeah. Weird. With all your money.

Yeah. It was almost your money. Yeah. It was almost like an act of open defiance. And then an announcement went up to say, and I've heard this before, but I think, to say that the last four coaches would be remaining in... Oh, yeah. Where was it? In one place. I can in one place one of the stops where's the place that Handel criticised you're gonna have to

narrow it down something like Dam and Blast and it's two names Milton Keynes I don't think Milton Keynes existed when Handel was no he famously riled against Milton Keynes. I don't think Milton Keynes existed when Handel was, uh. No. He famously riled against Milton Keynes. Did he? Yeah. What was he called? What were we doing? He wrote a symphony about, um. Bogner Regis. No, it wasn't Milton Keynes. Uh. Did

he play the bowl, Handel? Yeah, he did. Handel on the bowl? That's more of a mug, surely. Um, what's its very famous Come on, help me out I was only there this week I don't know where you were going High Wycombe No, Handel's associated with it Handel said

Something like Damn and blast E-e-e Handel? You expect us to know Handel quotes? Well, you know Where's Handel from? Tombridge Wells

Oh lordy Handel wasn't from tombridge wells um anyway so uh it was tombridge wells blast tombridge wells he wasn't the poet was he yeah he could have said hell's bells tombridge wells yeah yeah could have done um i'll tell you what smells tombridge well that would have been if he'd have said that. That would have worked, wouldn't it? Yeah. Too late now, of course. No longer with us. I know there'll be

people who've never heard of him before. I know I've polished him off. Now there's got a handle on him, though. Handle on handle. Congratulations. Thanks. Anyway, so the idea was that the last four coaches remain in Tonbridge Wells and then I

went on to a place beginning with W after that and I suddenly realised that it wasn't really they didn't push it you know what I mean it was announced once they didn't

push it it It was Diesel. But I suddenly thought, I don't, am I in the last four coaches? And then, how do you know that? When you get on the train, you know, maybe I'll do the third coach. Because what they'll do is they'll go,

the last four coaches remained in Tunbridge Wells, held by Tunbridge Wells, and they'll go, this is coach number... What was that? They never even did that, though. Nothing, nothing at all. No. So I had to walk down counting the coaches.

I said to one man, I said to one man, excuse me, do you know what number coach this is? And he was an American. He said number of coach? No. Should I know the number? And I said no, I think you should. The last four are staying in Tunbridge Wells. He said what?

So it was and it just threw me completely. You went to Wadhurst. That's where you went. I did go to Wadhurst. Yeah, we've had a text in saying, you went to Wadhurst! Of course I did, thanks very much. So you eventually got on the right portion of the train?

That's from my carer. Where were they on this all-important day? That's where I normally travel. Normally I'm led, and I like being led. It's true, you do get led. I do, I get led a lot. And when I'm left at my own devices, I'm through the wrong barrier, I'm in the wrong coach.

You don't even know you're going to Wadhurst. I mean, imagine you're about to work with Tom Baker and you just see the rest of the train disappearing off towards Wadhurst. It's my idea of how... Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had various texts in about where you went, Frank. For a start, 205 said you went to Wadhurst, and now we've had 203, similar mobile phone number, saying God rot Tunbridge Wells. That's what Handel said. Not Dan Blast. that's quite full-on god rot tunbridge well especially as he had a sort of working relationship with god having written the messiah yeah yeah well he must

have known but it sounds better to his credit it's better than uh what what did i say before dam and blast god is better isn't it Yeah, it's got a ring to it. And Duncan in the car on the way to Sunbury has texted, Come friendly bombs and fall on slough. John Betjeman. Good one. That's a good one. Yes.

I mean, it's an unusual commercial radio text in its famous literary zings of places, isn't it? What about Noel Edmonds, deal or no deal? There was W.C. Fields, when he died, better here than Philadelphia. Did he? Yeah. Jules from Upton Park has texted, then you would have gone to Stonegate, where my mum lives,

I presume if the train had separated. Oh. If it did separate and you were on the wrong section. I don't know where I did. I stopped at Frant. Did you? I love that. Frant. Names go, Frant is pretty good.

I want a T-shirt that says, no sleep till Frant. I drove through a place, and it was called Rock the other day. That's spelled in the normal way. It's in the north-east. Is it Twindwood Hard Place? I said to my wife, I wonder if... That's just the other side of it, you have to drive between there. That's what I thought.

And actually, it's not that far from Newcastle so there must be people that live in between Rock and Newcastle which is a hard place i mean there is no there's no doubt about that i mean rock that's when place names that's like when you get people called aaron yeah they've just opened the baby games book and said that'll do i mean rock and then it's not far from dirt and grass. I mean, it's all right picking a sort of a figure of the landscape, but you've got to go a bit further than rock. Big rock.

Yeah. That's becoming Americanised, isn't it? Hanging rock. I've been there. Alum rock. I've been to both. I've picnicked at hanging rock. I've picnicked at hanging rock.

I suppose everyone does, don't they? Yeah, everybody takes a sandwich and then goes, oh, we're still here, and leaves. Yeah. I was on a train last week, and I was sat opposite the aisle of a couple that got on, and... I thought you were going to say the Isle of Skye. No, no. And there was a chap there,

and they got a sandwich and a cup of tea and that, and he opened the sandwich up, and he said to her as if he was imparting some sage. What age are this couple? I, older than me but I couldn't really tell. He had tattoos and he was a bit kind of like, you know, a goth guy, bit older. Oh, okay. And he, he said to her, I hope I haven't identified them now but they might listen, who knows.

He said to her, second rule of travel, eat when you can. Wow. I like it. said to her, second rule of travel, eat when you can. Oh. I like it. That was his rule. Second rule of travel, eat when you can. Which I agree with. I think that's a great rule, eat when you can, when you're on the road. It's a great rule. Many's the time I've thought, oh, I won't have those noodles from that shop now, because I'm going to eat at the gig, and then you get to the gig and they go, oh, the food's off, or whatever. Many's the time I've wished that I'd eaten when I could. Yeah, yeah, totally. It's a good rule.

But it does mean that I've now spent at least eight days thinking, what's the first rule of travel in that guy's mind? What is the first rule of travel? Get on the right train. Get on the right train. The right half of the right train. Know where you are in the carriage.

And then you can have your sandwiches. But yeah, the second rule of travel. Francis, always have a minder. First yeah, the second rule of travel. Frank says always have a minder. First rule of travel, always be led. But that's going to nag at me now, what's the first rule? Yeah. I realise now why there was so much consternation that time. I said that was the second best sex I've ever had.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had quite a lot of response to the first rule of travel. Hell yeah. And I think the most elegantly put is 603, who texts, first rule of travel, go before you go. Oh, I see. So don't actually go on the train. I think they mean a piddle.

Oh, I can't believe. I'm sorry, everyone. Many people have said first rule is to go to the toilet when you can. And Lee in Essex has taken a different tone. He's going, the first rule of travel is eat when you can. The second rule of travel is eat when you can. The second rule of travel is eat when you can. And if it's your first time travelling, you have to eat. I think Lee's a big eater. That's my vibe.

Traveling in a burger van, by the sound of it. Yeah, he does, doesn't he? That's the secret. Yeah, travelling in a burger van. Phil in Kingston says, the first rule of travel is marry a woman who can carry her own weight in a rucksack. I don't really understand

that rule. Does that mean she hovers? I think so, yeah. No, I can see that, so you don't have to help. Oh, I see. I'm glad to hear. Is it Lee? I'm glad to hear that. Is it Lee we're talking about? Send that one in. No, that one's Phil in Kingston. Oh, it says especially for Mick in Bovingdon. So maybe Mick's married a woman that can carry her own weight in a rucksack. Or can't carry her own weight, and Mick has had to put his back out carrying his missus's bag as well. And then there's been a terrible divorce, maybe, I don't know. They haven't considered the luggage on wheels.

I respect them for that. I respect people that issue the wheelie luggage. Paul Bartholomew has tweeted uh the first rule of travel is nobody talks about travel that's very good but undermines this topic it's speech radio yeah you're right when men talk about routes you know talk about routes you say oh yeah i just let's see how'd you get here? And you say, well, I went up the A... Oh, I only got the A40. You only go A13, 312 and then cut across... All that stuff, oh.

I was caught on a traffic jam on the M25 this week at midnight. Midnight? Midnight. Midnight. At midnight. One more night without sleeping? Midnight. That's not acceptable, is it?

Not acceptable. And I did that stupid thing where you can see they're indicating that it's all going to go down to one lane. And I'm such a stickler for the rule. I pulled in way too soon. And then I sat there in the lane that wasn't going anywhere, just watching all of these people who were just far freer in their lives and don't adhere to the rule, just going down there. What annoys me is when that happens and people let them in then right next to the barriers. I never let them in.

Don't you? They can stay there forever. I've had people drive so close to my car, I'm thinking, the thing's going off. But no, I'm not letting you in. You've deliberately thought, these mugs sitting in the queue, I'm going straight down and I'm going to sneak in.

I'm glad you said that, because I thought I'd let myself down. I thought I was being not much of a man. I did it once accidentally. I wasn't paying attention, and then I found myself to the queue and I couldn't get into the queue. And I spotted a Jesus Army van. And I knew they'd let me in, and sure enough, they did. God bless them if they're listening.

They all had that slightly terrifying smile that some... I wonder if they then went, have you ever let Jesus into your life? And they went, no, but we didn't let Frank Skinner into our life. We let Frank Skinner into a motorbike, yeah. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from

8 on Absolute Radio. We've got some exciting show business news for you, Frank. I love, I love show business news in all its manifestations. I hope I haven't overstated it, but newsflash. You were a bit late to the party on this, but Broadchurch have announced that it's coming back for a third series. There's going to be more. Well, it's good to know I'll have something to watch in 2020.

You've only just got in on series one and two, didn't you? Yes, I should say so. Yes, I watched Broadchurch about three weeks ago. I've never seen it, Frank. You've never seen it either? I've never seen it. Well, you're even later than me. I'm later to the party.

Well, I still haven't seen Kez or Kes, depending on how you're saying it. Some people say Kes. You've got to say Kes. Well, you say that. He says Kes in the film. Does he? That's the end of that conversation. Oh, spoiler alert. I haven't watched it yet. It's not too much to say that he says

Kes. Someone lent me the DVD about four weeks ago and I still haven't got round to watching it. It's a time commitment, isn't it? Also, can I say, I know this is a big announcement, but at the end, and I'm not going to give any spoilers here, this is at the end of Broadchurch 2. 2, yeah. There's a caption that says Broadchurch will return,

which I took as a... A clue, perhaps. Yeah, a clue that it might come back. I totally missed that. You were probably in tears. We all were, dear. No, I doubt it. Not after season two. I think most people after season two were tutting, weren't they? The credits were...

I wasn't. Not you. Skippy was, certainly. But it's got a cast announcement as well that Coronation Street's Julie Hesmond... Hesmond-Doush. Is that right? Yes. I've met her, she was really nice.

Oh, I've met her, she is lovely. I sang with her. She sang Man I Feel Like a Woman. I don't know if you know the original, that sort of Robert Wyatt thing with beautiful women in sort of tops. Do you know that? Was it Robert Wyatt?

It wasn't Robert Wyatt. What was he called? Robert Palmer. Yes. With the beautiful women behind. The lights are on. Are they? Ditto to love, there you go.

We parodied that, except the two, so Julie was up front and doing the singing, and it was me and Richard Wilson from One Foot in the Grave. Worked with them all. Told you, worked with them all. No, she's great, Julie Hesman. Can I just say, I know I've already quoted one of my own remarks this morning, but a joke of mine...

I don't see why that makes it different from any other week. A joke I was very pleased with. Maybe we should go on to this. What's your favourite joke of yours? Again, I think that's every week, isn't it? Go on. If you remember, she got married in... It was quite a big story in Coronation Street

because she was transgender. She'd been a man previously. And she became Hayley, and then she married Roy Cropper. So Roy Cropper was marrying a transsexual, which is quite a big story for Coronation Street. Although I remember someone pointed out, I think in The Guardian, that the Weatherfield Chronicle turned up because a transgender person was getting married

but they should have been more interested in the fact that seven of the women in the congregation had husbands who died violent deaths but anyway so she played Hayley and here was the joke so I said yeah so Hayley was formerly a man,

but now, as they say in Ethiopia, Hayley's a lassie. Which I was really pleased with. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, we were talking about the return of Broadchurch. Yeah, you loved it, so you're probably pretty excited, aren't you? I shall be definitely watching it. I'm not one of the cynics who didn't like the second series.

See, I'm still not the wiser. I didn't like the second series, not because I'm a cynic, but just it's not as good as the first, I thought. Of course, that's all a matter of opinion. Would you describe it as a gritty British drama? Yeah. Talk to me like I'm... It's gritty. I call it a gritty, a britty drama.

Britty drama. Or grittish. Yeah. It's quite grittish, yes. Okay. You're quite gittish, aren't you? I'm quite gittish. I wasn't in it. Maybe.

So you know what I've committed to recently was The Bridge, the second series of The Bridge, and I quite like that. And I quite like that sort of Scandio. What is that? I do so much travelling that I'm not going to watch something like The Bridge. Scandi, dark drama. Oh, Scandi. I love it. They are good at that.

It's all big jumpers and all that. Big jumpers and a nice Porsche 911. Is that right? I thoroughly enjoyed it. Well, I would recommend, I mean, Broadchurch is on box sets on the telly. You know, you can go to box sets on catch-up. Can you? Yeah. I would enjoyed it Well I would recommend I mean Broadchurch is on box sets on the telly You know you can go to box sets on catch up Can you? I would recommend it strongly

That's amazing It's something for everybody It's a very broad Well anyway I see what you've done there I've been the victim of TV gossip this week I've been in showbiz gossip news Oh yes you have I have, you have.

Rawr! I'll tell you what's happened, Frank. I, uh... Hold on, hold on, don't do anything for a second. There's got to be... Here we go. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I, uh, I auditioned for and got

a part, and I'll be honest, it's a very minor role. I think I'm in two and a half scenes, maybe. Maybe three. Spit it out. I'm doing a day on Coronation Street. Yes. One day.

As an actor, I'm doing a day on Coronation Street, right? Come on. That's an institution. I know, and I'm pleased. You know, it's fine. I get a text message off my mate saying, what a way to find out. And I said, find out what?

And he said that you're doing Coronation Street. And I said, I still don't know how you found out. And there's a popular comedy website amongst comedians, and I don't look at it. But they've gone front page, top story,

Alan Cochran joins Coronation Street. You do join it. I mean, it's, you know the phrase Chinese whispers? It's as if Alan Cochran's doing a day on Coronation Street has gone through all of the Chinese people to get to Alan Cochran joins Coronation Street. It does give it a sense of permanency, like that's my new job. It's a temporary membership. Temporary membership. It's just, yeah. It's really temporary. Also, also. You know when you get those membership

passes that are just on paper, they haven't even bothered with laminate. Card. Yeah, like those temporary, um, passports you can get. That's cardboard. Rubbish. Oh, that's a good reminder. I need to renew my passport. Sorry, out loud. I forgot I was on the radio for a second. There'll be people at home thinking, oh, God, yeah, I need to renew mine. So you might have saved someone a very embarrassing situation. It's a civic duty, this show, isn't it? Yeah. Well, I think that's brilliant. Congratulations.

Yeah, good. Thanks very much. What are you playing, are you allowed to say? I'll tell you exactly what the description of what I'm playing is. Alan is playing a fairly ordinary, friendly bloke. I mean, it is quite a stretch, actually, because I don't think I'm that ordinary. I think I'm quite eccentric. I don't think you're that friendly.

Exactly. I definitely don't think I'm that friendly. But that's what acting's all about. Misanthropic, I would say. But, yeah, I'll just smile. That's what friendly people do, innit? Well, have you already done it? All right.

No, I'm doing it next week. Oh, you haven't done it yet? Oh, are you? Yeah. Who are you with? Who's in your scene? Albert Tatlock? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him and that Alf Topper. You know Alf Topper? Alf Topper was a comic...

Was that this morning? That feels like about three weeks ago. Your memory's really all over the shop now. Well, that's what happens. Have you had to go for wardrobe fittings? Not yet, no, no. I don't even think they'll do that.

Friendly bloke. You look normal. Just a fleece. Just anything. Not just a fleece. Not just a fleece. That'd be weird. Like Top Cat in just a...

Overly friendly bloke. Just a fleece. I suppose it'll be the summer months. It'll be warmer up there. Oh, that's... I mean, obviously you can't tell us anything about it, but... Not a thing. But, um...

I mean, I really can't. It's great to be in something. Like, you know, I've done, like, Panorama, Match of the Day, Test Match Special, those things that you think... Question Time. Yeah, those things that you think are proper institutions, but Coronation Street, come on. Yeah.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- That's tremendous news, I must say. Will you get a drink in the Rovers, do you reckon? I don't know. Is it real beer? I don't know if I'll have time. Do they drink real beer? I don't think so. I imagine there's some kind of TV fakery. We've been through this before, haven't we? Have we? TV fakery.

I haven't. There was a brouhaha about here five years ago, wasn't there? You'll get a brouhaha in the pub. Yeah, yeah. I hope so. Certainly. Do you mean a drink and a laugh? Milk and sugars.

Yeah. That's what you should say. You should know. Went down the pub, had a bit. I hope so. Certainly. Do you mean a drink and a laugh? Milk and sugars. Yeah. That's what you should say. She now went down the pub and had a bit of a brew. Ha, ha. I tell you what, how long we got? Have we got time to?

One minute. One minute. I won't bother then. I've got a really, really brilliant story. Oh. I'll save it. A Bridget.

Pardon? A Bridget. A Bridget? A Bridget. Yeah. Because it's short. I thought that's what you called a brilliant story. A Bridget. No,? A Bridget Yeah Cut it short That's what you called a brilliant story A Bridget

No, no I just thought you were suggesting a quiche Somebody called Bridget I'll tell you what I've been watching You know the thing of late reviews And having watched Broadchurch, me and Kath, this is absolutely true, are now working our way from Series 1

through Tales of the Unexpected. Oh, brilliant. Roald Dahl's Tales of the Unexpected. Wow. And what I've started doing is, at the end of every episode, I say, well, I didn't see that coming. It's very satisfying. Even on some of them I have seen it coming.

It was quite scary Tales of the Unexpected. It starts off, I forgot this bit, it starts off with Roald Dahl in a chair badly lit saying, when I wrote this story, this story took me five months, I couldn't come up with the ending and all that sort of stuff, which I love all that.

Do you remember Michael Winner's True Crimes? I do, yeah. He used to open with Michael Winner in a big chair with a book saying, they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That was certainly the case on the 17th of September, 1956. I love all that. Maybe I should start this show reading from a book and then bring you guys in.

That would be great. Oh, anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning. Zoe, thank you so much for joining us. And we're so proud of Alan that he's in Coronation Street. I look forward to seeing him. It gives him a certain credibility. Let's call it street credibility. Thank you.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. You and your pussycat nose.