The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Fancy Dress

Episode Date: May 14, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. Frank has been on a stag #legend and he has a question about fancy dress. The team also talk awards and wedding gifts.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean, I'm also with Alan Cochran, and if any of you would like to text the show, you can do it by using the numbers 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter, the well-known social media operation, at Frank on the Radio. And you can email the show through the magic of email via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning to you all. Morning.

Morning. Lovely to see you. And you. That was very polite. Yeah. We've already had a tweet, Someone has painted a portrait of you because they missed enrolment for the Sky Portrait Artist of the Year. And I think it's rather marvellous.

I might put it up on our social media. Oh, sounds nice. I think it looks a bit like... It's still like I was playing Winston Smith in 1984 stage thing. But that's a look I like. But it's nice that he went to the trouble. Thank you, Anxious. At Anxious, he's called. When I look in the mirror, I think

the look I'm after is a press person from the future. Hang on, this dude's got At Anxious as their handle and you're saying that it doesn't look quite, I can't imagine. Maybe his name's Arthur Anxious. Maybe. I stand corrected. I knew a family of anxious is in

Birmingham. Verity. Very, we called her. Very anxious? Yeah. Saviour. Extremely anxious. Extremely anxious. Oh, no. Just, what am I? I'm tired. Look, I've had a very hard week.

Oh, God. I've had a series of dramatic experiences. What happened? What do you mean? Well, last night, I've had a very hard week. Oh, God. I've had a series of dramatic experiences. What happened? What do you mean? Well, last night, I went to... Something I rarely do. I went on a stag night. You did not.

Legend! Thank you. I left a gap. I left the legend... What I call the legend gap, having announced that. And thank God Alan filled it thank you so you can always be relied upon to fill the legend gap yeah so i went on um my god i've been filling the legend gap for years dear so um i went i i went there and uh well what tell us more who you know i'd say whose it was no i don't want to say whose it was. No, I don't want to say whose it was. A celebrity.

It was a friend of mine. That narrows it down considerably. I'm going Knowles. Jeff Brazier. No. No, it wasn't. Toby Anstis. No.

OK. Paul Coyer. No. I'm sorry. If you know that, it's your laugh. If you don't, trust me. So anyway, it started as a dinner, you know, at a table. Ow, I don't like the sound of it started as.

This sounds like things got a little bit out of control. We were wild. So I arrived. I'd just done a 12-hour day at the office, dear. And I arrived and there was you know nice people there anyway i don't think we'd been there half an hour before um before quite a box and blonde lady in a in a police uniform arrived when i say uniform it was it was a slapdash version oh an approximation could you still

see the markings of where it had been folded in the plastic? Well, I didn't want to look. It was the PVC thing. Was it? I never for a second thought she was an actual member of the constabulary. Right. No. How old was this person

getting married? Were they born in the 40s or something? Like a stripper girl. I'd forgotten that strippers... I'd honestly forgotten they existed. It was... It was the weirdest thing. So, um...

So what happened? Well, let's hear what was weird about it. Is that... I see if Nick Berry had turned up, it wouldn't have seemed more out of place. Sort of... But I... The odd thing was, was I was absolutely overcome if Nick Berry had turned up, it wouldn't have seemed more out of place. But the odd thing was, I was

absolutely overcome. Wait for it. Overcome with the sense of I don't want this woman to take her clothes off. That would be really implied if you redressed her, though. I'm pretty sure.

She realised it was like the fourth bridge. I was at the other end of her putting them back on again. Yeah, that wouldn't be good for a regal. But no, it was quite a moment for me in my life. Because, you know, I've always been a tremendously decent chap, but obviously one has... Well, bar one area. But one has the animal within.

Yeah. It seems like the animal within has either died or left the building. Joined a decent chat. Oh, this is a great day for us. No, I think that happened some time ago for you, Frank. No, but I haven't seen a stripper. The last time I saw a stripper, Graham, I remember shouting, this is Thatcher's Britain.

And someone said I'd took the edge off it for them. But the fact that I shouted that dates it. The last time I saw a stripper gram was in a pub. I think I was at university and all I heard was these lads shout, handsome. And I don't like that. No, I just... Well, I'll tell you

how it progressed. Do we want to know this? Do we have a choice? Let's put it this way. She arrived and said not very private here, is it? I mean, we hadn't been introduced. She was so brash. She was a really brash personality. Frank, she wasn't booked for a personality. Good call.

I don't know that. Maybe they're personality-based. That's two programs. They're just coming at her rattling good fun. Oh, I'd like to do that. Oh, well, anyway, I'll progress with this. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, we're going over to Frank Skinner in 1978.

Where there's a stripper gram and a police outfit has arrived in a pub. It was... I honestly didn't know they existed anymore. Can I just say, was this a public restaurant? Is that what it was? Well, it was a sort of an alcove. Oh, okay. It's not like there were other diners that were going... Well, there were other diners I would have objected.

They were close enough to make it even worse. I mean, I don't know what it was. I'm a bit, I'm not trying to set myself up now as some great politically correct person, obviously. Don't worry, I don't think that's going to happen. I think you're safe. I don't know whether it was the thought

of my partner, of the Holy Roman Church, or, you know, of just the proximity to food. But I just didn't want, I really didn't want her to get, I wanted her to go. And it wasn't like there was an inner tussle with me. I just, there was nothing.

So anyway, the guy who was getting married, he was in the toilet. So someone said, we've got to hide her. Oh, right, hide her. So the waitress then, and I thought, oh, no, the waitress knows. She thinks we're all in on this together, the sophisticated waitress.

In a way, you are. Well, I wasn't. She said, oh, you can go over here, and she took her in through this curtain. Oh, she sounds nice. But the weird thing about it was the curtain I realized one of the lighter parts of it for me the curtain was a curtain that was just flat against the wall

there was no door behind it so this woman went in there the police officer went in there and it was just a bulging curtain she was was actually just... Excellent. It was like she was standing against the wall and had been covered. Playing hide-and-seek with a three-year-old or something. Making her even more noticeable. Yeah, but it was the weirdest thing. This bulging curtain right next to us. Like when Polonius hides behind the arras in Hamlet.

Yeah. That's what I thought about at the time. I was thinking like Boris Becker, but it doesn't matter. It's all very similar. So what happened then? Well, I was honestly having a mild panic attack. And it shocked me a bit. It makes me feel that perhaps my libido has said adios.

Oh, yeah. But I did... I don't know, I remember thinking, we can't smoke in here, but we can do this. And then it became apparent that the other guys, I think it spread like a virus. Suddenly I realised it was quite a few... What, the decency?

Quite a few people saying, oh, I... And then someone said, I'll go and have a word with her. And they went behind the same curtain. And... Were they also flat against the wall? Three hours. They were less flat. They were less flat.

They were holding back the curtain. I mean, I could see the handcuffs from where I was. So what did they say to her? I think they just said that it was inappropriate. I mean, not just... What, they cancelled her? Yeah. They said it was inappropriate, not just for that event,

but just as a life decision for her. Why did they hire her? Well, I think it might have been hired. She might have been hired by someone who didn't make it. Oh. Right. As a sort of, you know, a bit of a gag. But when we drove in this morning, I went past the local TA centre

and there was two armed policemen outside and I thought, I don't know if I'll ever have the same respect for you. And they'd done nothing wrong. So did she just head home then? So then she just went. I hope you paid her. Oh, well, someone paid her. I certainly didn't.

I don't think Frank was... Third autobiography title of yours. Yes. But the whole thing was a bizarre experience. Yes. I can't decide how I feel about it, Frank, because I don't know whether you should have sent her home, to be honest.

Well, what do you think? We should have sent her home, to be honest. Well, what do you think, we should have let her do it? Leer that out for a bit? No, no, I'm not suggesting... God. Is that more humiliating, that she's got all the clothes on, she's turned up, and then your services aren't required anyway? Well, I mean, the alternative was not acceptable. We could have said, why don't you come and dine with us?

Yeah. But, I mean, she had a policeman out for fishnets. Nobody can relax. No, and you don't want to sit on fish with us? But I mean, she had a policeman out for fishnets. Nobody can relax. No, and you don't want to sit on fishnets for a long period of time. You get grid. You know. I certainly don't. You get thigh grid.

Yeah. I hate thigh grid, although he's very good in Harry Potter. But what I would say, let's get together now and let's stop this social phenomenon before someone else gets... It's not really a social phenomenon in 2016. You're really catching the crest of a wave here, aren't you, with the campaign? Clearly it's still out there. I think we should get together and put a stop to it

before someone else gets embarrassed. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On reflection, sorry, Al, I was just going to say, I think you did the right thing. I think the right thing was done. There was no alternative. As long as she was paid for her time.

I'm sure she was. To hell with her. I mean, I can see it from her point of view. I am a jobbing comedian, and occasionally I've set off to gigs and thought, I really wouldn't mind this being cancelled on the way there, and them saying, do you want the money? Yeah, pay your...

I should think she was chuffed. Well, I mean, Chris Evans started that way. He was a Tarzan-o-gram. Was he? Oh, yeah, and like Mr Muscle, sort of wimpy kind of funny yes yeah but the people who watched her walk in in pvc well they thought they were about to be arrested for a moment let's say they were about to receive some terrible news no but when she in a way they were when she walked out again like five minutes later still dressed and that did they

think oh maybe she was a police yeah why was that policewoman's sleeves held on with Velcro? The uniforms aren't made the way they used to be. We don't have the various strands of the force there, we're always being surprised. It's amazing they have those huge slits up the back of the skirts. And also, she had a

truncheon, which, you know, it's tight for an automatic rifle. When you say she had a truncheon, that sounds inflatable. I mean, it sounds just like some dodgy thing you'd get in a fancy dress kit. I don't know, it's tight for an automatic rifle. When you say she had a truncheon, that sounds inflatable. I mean, it sounds just like some dodgy thing you'd get in a fancy dress kit. To be honest, I couldn't look at her. No, I understand. In case I'd changed my mind. I think that would have been worse, though.

Let's not shame her. I'm not shaming her. Actually, I'm slightly shaming her. No, well, you shouldn't shame her. Did she have to be a policewoman? If she'd had to go through all that stuff and, like, do the strippergramming, is that what they call it? Stripping?

If she'd had to do all that and you'd all looked away, like, sort of... Well, that's why it's best that you sent her away. That's not a situation that could have allowed to happen. I don't think that would be nice, because I always feel for the cabin crew when they do the, like, face mask and the... Oh, yeah, no one looks. People just read their books.

I make a point of looking. Yeah, me too. So in a similar situation, I think you would have had to watch the whole strip. I must have told you, when I was on a plane with Mark Foster, the international swimming star, and they did the safety thing, and he just read the magazine. Oh, no. I was thinking to himself, well if we crash in the

ocean, don't worry about me. He'll be absolutely fine. Don't worry about me dear. I'm the best river here. Exactly, I'd just hold on to him. Wouldn't it be great if we'd all just held on to him like a sort of a like, you know those police display teams when you get 12 men

on a motorbike, like that but on the surface of the water. Oh, Frank. With him just leading us to the nearest coastline. We'd be like the Alsatians, yeah. Do you know what that's what they should do? In business class, when you check in, they should just give you your own swimmer for in case of an emergency. You go, here you go, you're in business class.

Why don't we just always travel with a swimmer? Have a Mark Foster. Yeah, we wouldn't need the life jackets. I bag Phelps. Oh, yeah, he's a big feet. Now, we've had a tweet in saying, at Dad's 50th, a stripper turned up. I think he's gone in a strange direction, the show this morning.

Early as well. Dad took off his sports jacket, covered her, bought her a drink and gave her career tips. Respect. Yeah, respect to Mondo. Yeah, I love the idea of covering someone with a couch. It's such an old-fashioned idea. Like she's getting changed at the tennis or something.

Sort of thing, yeah. Who was the streaker, Frank? Erica? Rowe. Yes. Sort of thing you'd do to her. Yes, indeed. Maybe I'll have to, next stag night I go to, I'm going to go to one of those towelling booths that you see people in on the beach getting changed.

I don't know. Well, I'm sorry I brought this up if it's lowered the tone, but it was an astonishing walk down memory lane for me. That's memory M-E. Yeah.

Stunning. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Rating Out. I'll tell you what all this has made me think about, though. Yeah. Fancy dress still works, even if it's just one person.

Yeah. Because I noticed, like, my son, he has a very refreshing sort of random approach to fancy dress. Right. So he was, like, he was Peter Pan a couple of weeks ago, just because he fancied it. There was no event. Right. Just went for it.

So, yeah, so... He's often in fancy dress when I go around. Yeah, we knock together a... And then he was Simba. Mm-hmm. Just went for it. You know, wasn't going out. And I thought, there's times when I think,

God, I'd love to be like a cowboy. Yeah. If I just came in here as a cowboy, it wouldn't hurt you people. It wouldn't hurt. No, it wouldn't hurt me. But I think that'd be great. You're in the right part of London for that look.

Well, yeah. Well, I mean, whatever it was. But I think, how rarely does one's urge to dress in fancy dress actually coincide with a fancy dress party? Yeah. Well, that's the problem. Yeah. I mean, I often get the...

I wore some high-vis when I was in Miami, and I thought I'd enjoyed it. Yeah? It's just like construction worker vibe i thought it suited me i had the helmet and i had the high viz i couldn't wear that you'd laugh at me if i turned up in that you'd ask questions i was on a tour oh you want a tour oh i didn't wake up in the morning and think i'll put this on over my bikini but why not that's what i'm saying point is, why can't I wake up in the morning and think, you know, I'd quite like to be Cat Weasel

today. Google it. There must be, I mean, there must be cosplayers listening to this. Yeah? Who? I would hope so. You know cosplayers, people who go... Cosplay. He doesn't know what it is. Can you explain to him? Yeah, they often dress... No, but the people who go he doesn't know what it is people can you explain to you they

often dress shoes yeah they'll dress no but the people who dress is often characters or manga characters all right there's a lot of doctor who cosplay if you go to a convention you'll see lots of faces and i'm probably not going to go to that but um never say never say never yeah they go to town, these people. If there's any cosplayers listening to this, I'd love to know. There aren't any cosplayers listening, really. Why not? I bet there is. I'm guessing there's at least

seven. Do you get up some days, if you're not going out to a convention or some sort of event, and just think, you know what, I'm just going to wear it round the house? Just sort of like a living, breathing Mr Ben. That's what you'd like, wouldn't you? A little shop, Frank.

You could just go in and think, I'm a beef eater. Yeah, but why would that be bad? Why would it be bad? Nobody said it's bad. You can express yourself however you want. I think I'd be marvellous. It's not bad. The only thing that's a bit dodgy is that it's been inspired by an unwanted stripper gram.

This life ambition. Partly by my own child. It's that weird combination. But, I mean, let us take a leaf from the book of the transvestites. When they want to dress, but when they want to dress as a woman, they dress as a woman. They don't have to wait till it's an event. It's based on a sort of emotional yesterday, I feel. Yeah, but you can't compare...

Like a woman. You're designed to put a beef-eaters costume on to that. I think you can compare it in a sort of... I admit it's probably a less stronger impulse. I'm not saying at heart I feel part of me as beef-eater. Anyway, you brought up beef eater. A beef eater wouldn't be on my list. Oh, come on, as if it wouldn't. It's been the cowboy on

the front. But part of me... What's your top three? Well, um, I'd say slightly quirky ranch hand. But it's all based around cowboy, isn't it? This is about a cowboy fantasy. No, no, the first doctor. The first doctor? What, the one with yellow teeth and dandruff?

Yes, exactly. Well, I mean, I think you've got to build on what you've already got. So, the first Doctor. Who is that, William Hartnell? William Hartnell, yeah. And then probably, ooh, I don't know. No, we've got three. Probably Batman.

You've got Ranch Hand, Batman. Really? You want to stick with Batman? I quite like Batman. I know it's become a bit root one, but it'll always be special for me. Okay. And what difference does it make if I want to dress like that? And, you know, I've spoken to transvestites,

and they just think I'm going to the dentist. You know what? I'm going as, you know, Julia. If you dress as Batman, don't climb to the top of any tall buildings because they might think you and Kath are having problems. No, but I mean, Batman's perfect for the dentist if you think about it because you're showcasing, you're

giving a proscenium arch to the actual area of interest of the dentist. And also the other people in the waiting room won't be able to see if you're worried or not, so it won't affect their worry. Yeah. No, and they won't for a minute think you've got mental health problems. Man waiting in the waiting room with a cape. Batman, can I have that copy of Motormart when you're finished with it, please?

Certainly, citizen. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, fancy dress, that's what I think. I had a man come the other day to my house.

Yeah. And I've got one of those, you know, like a phone that you can speak to them at the door. Intercom. Yes. Entry phone. Not now, dear. OK. Yes. phone that so you can speak to them at the door intercom internet yes entry phone not no idea yes i've told you never to call me at work um and he said yeah but you've got a strange sign pasted to yours which says ken green does not live no it's the golds okay the goals

we keep getting people saying we brought a parcel for the golds. And I say, well, who are they? And honestly, so Kath put a sign up, without my permission, which said, the golds do not live here. Yeah. And I tell you what, I found impressive. Also, they don't after that AIG incident. No, but what I found really impressive is we've had two or three tradesmen arrive and said,

hello, is that the Golds? And Kat said, no, there's a sign. And they've gone, no, no, just kidding. I wasn't doing a serial. That's quite impressive that they've done that. Anyway, this guy arrived this week and I picked up the phone, I said, hello, I always try to sound a bit more male,

in case it's, um, just in case it's a potential, um, someone is going to jump me. Yeah. And, uh, sometimes I'll do the dog bark as I pick it up, slightly off-mic. Ooh! Ooh! Yeah, sorry.

Hold on a minute. Will you get down? Ooh! Ooh! Sorry, hold on a minute. Will you get down? Ooh! Ooh! Yes. It's the Mike and Galvis's in the background. Can I help you? They don't do it like that. By then, they've thought, maybe this is the wrong house. I'll try another one.

I'll try that one with all the milk outside. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, this guy, the thing went, so I lifted up the phone, and this guy went, Frank Skinner. Amazon. That was all he said. And as I went downstairs, I thought, wouldn't it be brilliant if I opened the door and he got a Dracula outfit on? It would have just been the best thing. And this is what I mean about fancy... We need to get a...

You don't need a party. Just bring it into your everyday life. Okay, well, maybe we should all just do it randomly. Yeah. But already, already you're formalising it. It's too planned. I know. I'm not saying I'll tell you when I'm going to do it.

No. I'm just going to do it, Frank. I think, honestly, I mean, I'm not saying this for a fact. It would make my life, I know, a little bit happier if I had those three outfits in the closet and some days I could just think, hey, William Hartnell. Yeah. Good.

Imagine doing Question Time with William Hartnell. Ricky laughs You know, thumbs in the lapel. What does he wear, William Hartnell? He wears a s- I- I never quite understood why. Does he wear a scarf? Um, no, no, he wore, um, a sort of Edwardian, like, Czech trousers. Oh.

And a sort of black frock coat. A bit Stephen Tomkinson, it sounds. Um, it was- At a premiere it's the sort of thing that when you see um uh you know when you watch a drama about the the barretts of wimpole street yes i know sort of thing robert browning might be have a little sort of hat a strange ottoman empire hat he had a he had a sort of cossack hat that he used to wear okay but they used to call them i remember when blokes ran birmingham the sort of the onesack hat that he used to wear. Okay. As they used to call them. I remember when blokes from Birmingham

were sort of the ones aspiring to middle class used to wear a Cossack hat. Do you know the ones I mean? What do you mean? You know an international rescue hat that they wear on Thunderbirds. Like that but made of fur. So it's that shape of a quite thick fur. Oh, I get it, yes.

They used to call them Cossack hats. I don't know what they call them now. If anyone's got the technical term for one of those. Oh, I imagine that'll light up the sixfold. Imagine if Frank just started wearing that with no warning whatsoever. I'd be happy to wear one of those. Next week he just walks in in that. But I'd want it.

You know the way you can buy those Scottish tamashantas with the red hair? Love those. If you could get one with the heart and all white hair coming onto the Cossack, that would make me so, so happy. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If you're just tuning in, well chosen.

Good timing. It's almost a strange first hour. I look back on now as a bleak comment on broken Britain. So you can text the show on 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, for goodness sake. I enjoyed it. Sorry, Frank.

Someone's just sent a picture in, which is... You know the portrait I was talking about earlier? I appreciate this is a largely visual thing, but it's worth it. But we do post this on our... Yeah, we will put this on social media. On the socials. Well, it's very quick work on this person's part.

It's a picture of, you know, the portrait that someone had very kindly painted of you, where you look slightly futuristic. They've put on it a Cossack hat with white hair bits on it. They have, and I'm putting this retweet, I think. Well, I want it. It's extraordinary. So you'll see this shortly.

This is a portrait of Frank with the William Hartnell Cossack hat with hair. I want to see that. OK. Also, for people that have just tuned in, Frank has been spending a little bit of the first hour on the subject of everyday fancy dress, where he just sometimes gets a notion

to dress up in a different outfit. Yeah. Often cowboy. And 563 has texted in, on the subject of everyday fancy dress, I recently saw someone in a full Darth Vader costume on a packed escalator at Southwark Tube. It was about 7.45am.

The effect was a bit spoiled by the fact that he was standing politely on the right rather than sweeping down on the left in true Imperial style. That's good work, Chris, from Kent. I like that. I'll tell you what I hate on those Tube escalators. There's a slightly sort of faded sticker on the moving black handrail. Oh, yes. You don't like that?

I don't know. It's something about that. It's about the idea of people going on with stickers for that purpose. Do you know one of the sadnesses? Do you ever give your shoes a little polish? Oh, yeah. Every time. Every time. I've never done that. Do you know? It's marvellous. You know the little brush? Every time.

I've never, which little, the brush and that. Can you explain, Alan? I'd have thought one could lose. You know, on the side of the stairs. Yeah, I mean, there is. One could lose a toe cap. There is a tiny bit of jeopardy, but I think that's part of the fun. Do you know what's worrying me?

But what price shiny shoes? Exactly. Every time. That's this morning's phone in. In fact, I referenced that in a recent stand-up show. Did you? I'm not stealing material. No, no, I'm just saying that I enjoy it.

No, but what they always do at comics, if you mention something that they're doing in stand-up, they have to tell you in case you see them and you think, oh, he's got that from me. Am I right, Alan? I like the idea of you saying what they always do about comics. Yeah. OK.

I was trying to get on Emily's side. Can I tell you my favourite headline in any newspaper this week that I've seen? My favourite headline of all was Taylor Swift wins Taylor Swift Award. Yes. She won an award that has her own name. And she admitted if they'd chosen someone else to give the Taylor Swift Award to, I'd be kind of bummed about it, which is a bit unhappy, I think. I think that's fine to say on the radio, innit?

I think that's alright. Good. If a little American. I thought it was alright until you went to the areas of explaining why it wouldn't be alright. I got forensic, but I love it. I love it. It's her record. It's not her record company.

It's some... How did it happen? I don't quite understand. BMI. Why was there a Taylorer swift award i think because they wanted her to go to the awards too i think even so you just cut out everyone else i can understand the cynicism of that i mean i'll be quite honest with you heard it here first but you know i won um rear of the year and i think it was 99 i was i was offered it in 98. And I said, I'd love to have it, but I'm actually not... Frank, you're talking about this as if it's the England manager job. I was offered it in 98.

And I said, I'd love to have it, but I can't actually make it on that day to turn it up. Next thing I know, they've given it to Richard Fairbrass. Well, he could be listening to this now not realizing he won't be listening to this but at least he got i'd be surprised if he's up this early on a saturday morning fairbrass i think he's still training he'll be training will he oh yeah he's been lifting no no i should think he was up till four in the morning he was too sexy for his shirt that was one of those no that's what he'd be dancing to i see no i know what i don't know don't worry i don't do the fairbrasses stereotypes from 20 years ago no 30. maybe 40. but how nice though with this taylor

swift award you get into your uber frank to go to the Frank Skinner award. Yeah. There's none of that horrible feeling. Will I, won't I, shall I prepare a speech? It's all about you. But in the unlikely event that I was, um, someone wanted me at their award ceremony for prestige. Yeah.

Not since three of the year. Then give me a lifetime achievement, give me a special something. Don't call it after me. I mean, let's not rub their noses in it. Oh, I like it. Well, I was going to say... I'd be embarrassed. You have essentially had a Frank Skinner Award,

because the Walk of Fame... I mean, that was all obviously going to be you, because they'd done that cement patch on Broad Street. Yes, but the other people... I mean, who are the previous winners of the Taylor Swift award? Well, actually, the last time that that particular company, BMI, gave an award dedicated to a singer

was Michael Jackson in 1990. And that turned out absolutely fine. Who won that? Michael Jackson. Oh, okay. Fair enough. I had Nick Knowles won it. It was a real shock. That was a turn-up. It was the last minute. No, I don't want... World Drive Self. You don't want the Frank Skinner award? I don't want the Frank Skinner award. I won it. It was a real shock. That was a turn up. It was the last minute. No, I don't want... World Drive Self.

You don't want the Frank Skinner Award? I don't want the Frank Skinner Award. I'll have it. Oh, I'll have it. No, there isn't one. I don't want to battle you for the Frank Skinner Award, Emily. No, but you're nominated for an award next week at the Archivers. To be honest, I'm quite happy with the Alan Cochran Award,

but you can have the Frank Skinner Award and the Emily Dean Award if you want. The thing about the Archivers is it sounds a bit like R Keith. It's my brother. And if I was nominated for the R Keith Award, I wouldn't mind that. It would suggest a nomination for, you know, for being a sort of good-natured black country lad. But the only time this had happened

was Michael Jackson, Taylor Swift and R Keith. Yeah. But ours is a slight variation. It's my brother's name, at least. Have your own name. Although I have often thought now in recent times, if I ever had a pet Swift, I wouldn't be able to resist calling it Taylor.

You know, the way people call it. Oh, yeah. You've got to do it. Frank 479, Frank and the team, the William Hartnell hat is called an Astrakhan hat. Well, it's made of Astrakhan, certainly. OK, OK. Because Tony Hancock famously wore a coat with an Astrakhan collar in his TV show.

Oh, we're so on trend this morning. And now we are. Hartnell, Hancock. All, we're just doing it alphabetically. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Got some bad news for you, Frank. There's mutiny in the ranks. You know, occasionally we get a text in correcting something you've said.

You, and this was breaking news as far as this show goes, you claimed just moments ago that you were offered Rear of the Year and you couldn't make it, and so they gave it to Richard Fairbrass. Yes. And then you won it the following year. 002, Georgian Bexley, has texted, Frank, I believe you are wrong.

You won Rear of the Year, brackets, R-O-T-Y, close brackets. Thanks for that. In 1998. Oh, OK. And Fairbrass in 1994. Sorry, Georgian Bexley. Blimey. And Fairbrass in 1994. Sorry, George and Bexley. Blimey. And then he sent another text saying it was actually Gary Barlow the year before you.

Yeah, it was G. Barlow, he says. No, they didn't get in Barlow, though. I'm sure they got in Fairbrass. So what I've done is, and this is what happens with the memory, is they've offered it me in 94, by the sounds of it, and then they've waited four years, and I thought they did it the next year. That's amazing. I'm glad we've cleared that up.

Well, no, but there's an important thing here. That means that your rear was good in 1994, and it stayed good until 1998. I mean, that is a real... Can I say, controversially, I think it stayed good till 2016. How about that, then? God bless you for that. But I think what's happened...

It's off to your rear. One of the best in the business. I think it looked good in 94, so it was registered as good, whether they went back to recheck it. Right. It's like the way, when we look at stars in the sky, we're receiving light from them that was generated some time ago. Right.

They might not look like that anymore. That's the problem with your... I wonder when my peak rear year was well it's you're not there yet darling oh frank i love that i mean as a treat i'm going to read you out uh an interesting missive we've had from 999 i know it's not her from last night It's not her from last night. Oh, dear. Come on, carry on. Come on, carry on.

Frank, there's an... Sorry. Frank, there's an architectural award, and 15 years ago, the announcer read thus. The Richard Rogers Award for the best Richard Rogers building goes to Richard Rogers. That is. True fact, and that's from James sitting in a van. Well, now, there's three things in that.

First of all, Richard Rogers, as many of you know, was a really very famous architect. I'm not surprised he's got an award. Yeah. And it's quite logical that he built the Richard Rogers building. Yes. Well, I don't know if it was called that. It's saying, for the best Richard Rogers building.

Oh, I see. But I... Goes to Richard Rogers. But what I would say about that is, I bet other people have won the Richard Rogers award. Yes. I'd say that's an ongoing thing. But I would be surprised if she hands it over to someone else next year, Taylor.

Taylor Swift. I think I might be in the running for it next year. Taylor Swift. Wouldn't that be great if I won the Taylor Swift award? No, I'll tell you what, I had a very posh doctor once, and he wrote me a prescription. And you know they've got classically bad handwriting.

Yes. And he had beautiful copperplate writing. Right. What we used to call Robin Hood writing. Right. At school. And I said, you've got lovely handwriting for a medical man and he said um yes when i did handwriting at school i rather tried and he said in fact i was he said i was taught handwriting by traitor blunts brother now it was a reference to anthony blunt the uh who

was part of the sort of bluntitor Blunt. The Russian spy thing. But Traitor Blunt was one he... Sounds like a sort of medieval way of talking about... And Taylor Swift always sounds to me like... It's that, you know, that guy who makes clothes at the end of the medieval village. He was called Taylor Swift. Very much so.

I bet loads of people have said that to her. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Someone says, and I don't know whether it's true, talking of calling a pet Swift, talking of calling a pet Swift Taylor, I have a cat called dealie oh very good i it took me a while like because i did it the wrong way around i did dealie cat

and that's that's wrong that's a shame darling unless it's the school unless it's the school teacher reading the register obviously well maybe a dealie cat um if it was if it was registered in their phone book yeah well i would have done that but i rather tried very good um we were talking about awards can i ask a question i haven't seen the taylor swift award is it a a small statuette i don't you can only get a small statuette is it a statuette of taylor swift oh i I'm not sure. I would imagine so, yeah. Leggy Taylor Swift. Leggy blonde Taylor Swift. Is it that?

Well, we don't know. We haven't seen it, Frank. I don't know why you keep saying leggy blonde. Well, because if you're going to call... First strippers, now leggy blondes. If you're going to call it... He's all gone a bit Batman soon in the dentist's waiting room. If you're going to call it Taylor Swift Award,

and surely you want it to look like Taylor Swift. Yeah, I guess so. Well, not really, no. Awards don't have to look exactly like what they're called, do they? Well, that would have an impact on Rear of the Year, wouldn't it? Certainly. And we've had another Rear of the Year update for 002 has said, can Frank name the only double winner of ROTY?

Oh, hang on, ask that question again. Can Frank name the only double winner of ROTY, Rear of the Year? Double winner? I'm going to say... I mean, you could find it out by looking at your screen, but Frank won. Is it male or female? Female. I'll give you... It's got to be Fliss Kendall. Oh, my gosh. No.

Oh. I think I've just seen it, but I knew who it was. Oh. Oh, I don't know if I have seen it. Easy to say that. No. Go on. Go on, have a go. No, you say it. No, will you... No, no, no. Have a guess. Honestly, no. I've read it. Is it Michael Gove? No. Because he has actually got a double rear. He's convinced that he's got a big...

I've seen it. All right. It's absolutely... Oh, it's ginormous. I saw three men trying to get him off a train. And I don't think he's ever won Rear of the Year ROTY. But it's not pert, is it? I don't think they have a super heavyweight.

Classification. They should do it with weight bands on rear of the ear, Rob. You couldn't do it. Imagine if you were nominated for super heavy and no one would have told you. You and Alan both have exactly what I like in a rear. Oh, this is getting hot in here. Ricky laughs Do you know what was awful? Daisy the producer just gasped and then I realised she was actually yawning. I thought she was shocked, but she was just bored.

She's so bored with her hair. Is Carol Vorderman double winner? Well, that's fair enough. Oh, I wouldn't have gone that. I would have gone smiley. Oh. You know why Vorderman's got a double winner? Here's my theory. She's got a great bum.

I know, but she's sort of on a second one, if you know what I mean. She's on a second bum. She had the original, the sort of old-fashioned petite one that people used to like oh right and now she's got the sort of you know booty call special that's again popular in the 21st century okay so she is one of the few people whose rear has kept up with the times that's nice and i must say she looks great on it okay should we go back to strip it looks great on it should OK, shall we go back to stripper... She looks great on it. Shall we go back to stripper Granzel Hitler? Where do you want to go now, Frank? When I said she looks great on it,

it's one of her breakdancing moves. She uses it for absolute tethering, and then she spins like a top. I love that show. God, absolute tethering. That's our new nautical station here on Absolute Radio. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. 895 says, I just googled Jules Ramey and he doesn't look like the World Cup. That's a good point. Is he not winged? That's a good point.

There you go. I think if there was an Alan Cochran award, it should look like me, kind of gangly. And actually, it could be for services to wear in double denim i could be in like denim shirt and denim jeans i quite often do that don't i well you could it could be in double denim you know when you see that that dagor sculpture of the ballerina and it's actually got a little tutu in material oh really they could do it like doll denim like that yeah i think you could have the award for making Kung Fu accessible. I'm not into Kung Fu.

I'm not having that award. Kido. Hey, I'll tell you what- It's Kung Fu. It's on my old estate. Kido. I'd forgotten this, but I'll tell you what I genuinely think I could win an award for. What?

Is tiptoeing. I am so quiet when I want to be. It's a really good skill. Is that part of your martial art thing? No. I stayed with some friends when I was filming something. It's, it's a really good skill. Is that part of your martial art thing? No. I, um, I stayed with some friends when I was filming something. What use is it, though? Well, let me tell you. Let me tell you. I was a guest and I was getting up really early. I was getting, like, six o'clock calls, so I had to be up at half five and out the door

sort of thing. And one day, I left so quietly that at ten o'clock in the morning, my friend Clive said, do you think we should go and wake Alan? I think he's slept in and missed work. That's how quietly I'd left the house. In fact, they actually had an alarm on downstairs and you didn't set it off. Yeah. But what it was, was when I was a kid,

I read this, like, How To Be A Secret Agent book when I was a little boy, and it said... There was a tiptoe section. There was a tiptoeing section, and it said, even on squeaky floorboards if you put your feet at the side of the stairs like yes adjacent to the wall you don't get a creak and i've i've implemented that in my life ever since oh is that right i'm aware that this now sounds creepy you're all staring at me no what i was i was thinking how much I would give to have a sequence in the next Bond film

where Daniel Craig tiptoes for quite a distance. He's such a man who I'd rather not... Can I talk to you about the tiptoeing? Ben, I don't feel good about it. Well, we could get in a body... I could do that. Even so, people at home, they're going to think... that feel good about it. Well, we could get in a body... I could do that. I could be that guy. Even so, people at home, they're going to think...

You know, I'm seen as kind of craggy, kind of a... You know, manly, and I think the tiptoeing is... Could the villain... Well, it's not right for the villain. Well, is it right for me? I mean, is it? OK. Chris Eubank last week.

Chris Eubank last week week I'm loving the Daniel Craig Daniel Craig questions the tiptoeing stage direction well it's good because he's got this celebrity repertoire now he used to just do random impressions of nobody didn't he darling now you've got people

I don't know if Daniel Craig it was random actor random rugged actor one could argue he was random, rugged actor. Yeah, I liked him. But even so, one could argue he was a random, rugged actor. Talented as he may be, he still took my cleaner. One could argue he took my nanny, but that's another story. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If I change my name to Frank Bafta, could that subliminally encourage the Bafta judges to give me a Bafta award in the Taylor Swift... I'm halfway there with the Emmys. Oh, very good. Very good. I like how Frank dropped enough hints that he got on Doctor Who

and now he thinks he can just keep doing it with everything. I don't think it's going to work with the BAFTA. It'd be an Oscar name. This man can do anything. I've had my moments. Pretty pictures, like the wardrobes in my lungs. Taking bedposts round to Swaziland. That's the way we were.

I think just because you don't know the words doesn't mean you can't join in. Not at all. I agree. You can't go that off topic. Bread and liver. That's my favourite. Cote de jour. Anyway. You know when you sing that, I think of you in that Batman outfit,

sitting in the dentist's surgery. No, sitting at home alone. Imagine being Batman. One of those days you're having a day in. Maybe just tidying. Batman watching Holmes Under the Hammer. Hello. Yeah, I think it's about time I cleaned out the box room.

Hold on a minute. Let's just get my utility belt on. We've actually had a text. You said that we'd probably have some, is it cosplayers? Oh, yeah. Cos. And cosplayers. We've had a text.

Hi, I go to conventions and I dress up as a Star Trek captain at these and I sometimes wear it out and about. I like out and about. Yeah. I'm assuming that it's not someone from Canada going, but that's it out and about. I like out and about. Yeah. I'm assuming that it's not someone from Canada going, oot la boot, but, um, but that's just out and about. That's... In Lidl.

Mm. But would you think, oh, you know what, I'm not, I might watch the test match today, but I'm gonna do it as a Star Trek officer. Just sprawled, sprawled on the sofa in the uniform. Brilliant. My concern is if I saw that guy in a shop, I'd think, oh, they're stocking up for the spaceship. What's the ship called in Star Trek?

I can't remember. Which one are you after? The Millennium Falcon? Oh, there you go. No, Enterprise. Star Wars. Oh, in Star Trek, did you say, sorry? Star Wars.

Sorry, I'm getting confused. Now we've established... I would cue... Before you ask, yes, I would cue at the post office as a Dalek. No, not Dalek. Oh, sorry. I mean, I'm genuinely considering... Someone's got a birthday coming up next year.

I'm genuinely considering the Cossack hat with the white hair coming down either side in a sort of bob format. Would you wear that? I'd do it. What I'm thinking of... Let's picture this let's say there's um it's a party to to to say celebrate someone's university graduation who's gone are you hanging out with these days well i'm on about i'm at the open university maybe they're in their 70s and i um and i turn up say as um says, oh, what's he doing here?

It's a 22-year-old's party. Say if I turn up as John Wayne in Hondo. Oh, yeah. And then someone says, it's not a fancy dress party. And I say, it is for me. Where's the comeback on that? I like the idea of you going to a fancy dress party as william hartnell people that are born in 1989 yeah but you know i mean often fancy dress is from the past yes this is true

i once went as a court jester i remember to something did you yeah with all the bells and everything i quite like because part of me thinking this would have been my work clothes if i'd been born 500 years earlier. Nice. Which is how I feel about the William Hartnell outfit, of course. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I'm a bit worried about lowering the tone of this show,

but then, on reflection, it's unlikely, isn't it? I've got a question. You know, I used to think that Google was the perfect place for questions that you were embarrassed to ask people, and then I joined this show and thought, no, asking you two and our readership. I'll tell you what happened. My wife sneezed in front of me the other day. It's not the first time, but it's the first time I've noticed

that she put her hands up to sneeze, as I would, but she just covered her mouth. Just total mouth. No- Oh, she's got the wrong part. No nose covering at all. It was a hundred percent mouth cover and- Oh. And I said, you didn't even, you didn't even cover your nose. And she went- What did she say? She said, I know, I just covered my mouth. And I thought, have I been sneezing wrong all these years? No, I think that. Let me just see what I do.

Yeah, I know. You go both. You go half and half. I had to re- I had to recreate it. It all went a bit crime watch. It was like her main concern. It was like her main concern was- You see, I don't do that. I do a bit of a bewitched nose twitch thing. Do you do one of those sneezes? Very much so, Frank. I'm a very good sneezer.

The female sneeze is a dainty thing often, isn't it? It really is, whereas mine can cause tremors around the building. I hate people that sneeze. I absolutely hate them. Hair fever sufferers. I rarely do it. I've got self-control. I mean, people do it all the time, and I just...

I've been on the tube. I know. I'm saving for a second home, though. And I went on the tube, and some woman was sneezing, and I got up in a passive-aggressive way just to indicate... I know none of this section of the show

is winning me any fans, but I just thought... She wasn't covering her mouth, Frank. Well, nose or mouth or any area. I just threw you out into the open. But it was constant. That is disgusting. Well, I do this thing now where I don't put my hand on my mouth. I've now realised that what I had to go through,

what I do is I pull my top up over my nose and mouth and sneeze into the... Steve chuckles And then you just rub the deposit into your own chest, is that...? Well, I don't rub. So I lift, now if I was going to sneeze, I'd lift this jumper up. Right. And then... Do you really?

Honestly, I'm not, yeah, that's what I do now. Don't do it with that nice NASA sweat I bought you. No, I do it with, um, I do not... Yeah, that's what I do now. Don't do it with that nice NASA sweat I bought you. No, I do it with... I do do it with everything. You know, sometimes when you watch Match of the Day and the footballers run it, I always thought it was like a little bit of Vicks Vaporub that they'd dotted onto their chest.

Maybe they've just sneezed in the tunnel. I doesn't... I mean, I did... There was one occasion when I found a bit of muesli in my chest hair. It's a horrible anecdote i think i do think that that's it's a very um it's a bit a very considerate way of because you really are boxing the whole thing in more efficient days have you got morning sickness we're about to throw up you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Text the show on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website We've had a few sneezing texts. I was asking where do you sneeze?

By that I meant into your cover. Yeah. Mouth or nose. I go 50-50 because I'm equally concerned. And 987 has texted, I once got in trouble from my mother-in-law for telling her not to stifle her sneeze as it can cause you to

rupture blood vessels in your head. Is that right? I'm not sure it is. I've heard that as well, I must say. I like this bit. She told me not to tell her how to sneeze as she'd been doing it all her life. I like her. I love the sound of her. My missus

does the same thing and they both deny they are doing it. Bottom line is, let it out Andy Winton Edinburgh. So there you go. I there you go i like his life when i was a kid there was a public service broadcast advert advertising which used to say coughs and sneezes spread diseases so we were being officially yes encouraged not to do that is that why gentlemen carried handkerchiefs with them? I still carry a handkerchief. Oh, how great.

You're still a gentleman, aren't you? You are, actually. I'd describe you as a gent. Well, I never... Obviously, I was brave to get one's handkerchief out, but there it is. How marvellous. Can I say that's because it's still partially folded. It's not adhesive, holding it together with anything,

with any of my inner being. So, 013 has also come up with this poser. Unlucky for some. If Frank dressed as Perkins again, would it be cosplay or him reprising the character? I think it would be cosplay. OK. I think because I am no longer employed as Perkins,

I think any time I put it on for non-professional reasons, after that it's cosplay. OK. But I'd be uneasy about being Perkins. I think that might be a step too far. Yeah. Well, it's a bit look at me, isn't it? It is a bit look at me.

Whereas going to the dentist as William Hartnell... Yeah, absolutely. ..is what I would term keeping a low profile. He would bat an eyelid, but if you went as Perkins, people might think that's a bit strange of him. But don't you think the Cossack hat would be a good look for you? Because I often think this. What's my style going to be like when I'm older?

I don't know if we all think about this. And I think the Cossack hat is the way to go. Do you think? Yeah, I can see you that with an old sort of plastic supermarket bag. What, with the white hair or without? Oh, yeah, we've got to have the white bangs and the white bulb. But I could comb my... I could let my hair grow so it looked Hartnellian. And it would be... I mean, it's not as white as his, but, you know, I mean, it's...

The stopwatch is going down on that. Go for it, I say. Of course, if I wanted to keep a low profile, I'd go to the dentist as the hunchback of Notre Dame. He always kept a low profile. Goodness me. So, um... Oh, I tell you what I want to talk about.

Did you hear about this extraordinary couple? Not you and Kath. This couple, I read about them this week, and they were, it was one of those wedding stories. Someone had posted it on Mumsnet, because she'd received an email from a couple who'd got married. Oh, yes. And they were complaining about the gift she sent them.

And they said this. She said she sent them a cheque for £100, and apparently the email said we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on the big day in view of your position if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received i wonder what the good wishes i wonder when they said the good wishes did they think that's got to be 120 quid's worth? Well, she might... Of good wishes.

You see, maybe she was very drunk. She might have said something. She might have suggested that she was going to buy them something. And then, of course, she sobered up and they just got the £100. Oh, you think she actually named a figure? Yeah, yeah. I think maybe she did. No. No, surely she just said stuff like, I'm so, so happy for you, and they thought,

that's not 100 quid happy. They thought so happy. Mate, I would have thought each so is 50 quid. Yeah. In a statement like that. So is it just about right? I don't think my contribution has ever matched the warmth of my good wishes in life,

not even just in weddings. I'd imagine they were both scant. I'm all for giving people a second chance, though. If they've given you a substandard present, let them have another try. See, just top it off a bit. I very much like the idea of a wedding gift as a sort of a negotiation. Yeah, I see it as a starting point. Well, let's say 100 quid, well, 150, well

hold on a minute, and then get somewhere in between. Well, she said in your position I think the idea was the lady had received an inheritance recently, and she felt that... Is that the facts or are you guessing that? No, no. This is what happened. She'd recently received, and that was factored in. So they were

saying, given your situation... Wowza. Yeah. Blimey. I didn't know that you went through... Did you get bank statements? Yeah, yeah. Times have changed.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think... I'm afraid I go the opposite way with this greedy couple Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think, I'm afraid I go the opposite way with this greedy couple that asked for an adjustment. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I just think...

Are you apologists for them? No, I think it's really undignified. I think they should be grateful for the £100 they received and, in fact, I don't even think they should ask for that. I think it's rude. It's a bit straight down the line. I know. I'm boring. I'm boring. But I actually genuinely think...

But what is better, would you say, greed or dishonesty? Hang on, it's not an either-or, is it? What kind of weddings are you attending? I think if you take the seven deadly sins, there's an instinct to go for a league table. OK. I'm not sure how that applies to a wedding attendance. Well, I mean, one could say they're being greedy but if they pretended they were okay with that hundred quid they were being dishonest

but i think we would say is the worst crime i just i mean this is a problem that i've encountered in my own real life like when couples expecting gifts when couples already live together in a house full of stuff and then they decide to get married and send you a wedding list and you think, you've already got an iron, I know you've got an iron, I've stayed with you. Why do I need to buy you an iron just to come to your big day? Well that's cause they didn't know you'd stayed with them because the way you tiptoed and laughed at them. Ricky laughs Steve laughs I forget, I'm so silent. I imagine you stay in houses of complete

strangers. All the time. You went to bed late last night didn't you? I did, yeah. Surprised. Oh, can you imagine if I was just turning in for the night and then I saw the cockerel creeping around? Talking about. Oh.

Yeah, I thought I had a... I didn't know you were there. I had a sense of Fred Perry in the building. I heard him grappling. That's how I knew. I... Oh, of course. Midnight grapple. You know, if that couple had asked me for an adjustment

to the £100 cheque I would have sent them a CD by the band, The Wedding Present. I would have said, adjust this, pal, and then done an emoji of an offensive sign. Oh, right, yeah. Well, I... The whole idea now of the wedding list is something I have always found.

Oh. A complete impertinence. Well, tell me why. Well, if I said to you, for example, my birthday's coming up, here's my birthday list. I'm putting that online so you guys can select something in your price range that I want. Wouldn't you think, who on

earth do you think you are? As long as you put me in the higher price range, I'd be alright. Imagine how insulting. But it's... I wouldn't mind it. You wouldn't do it with any other gifts, would you? You wouldn't do it at Christmas. I'm putting my Christmas list online. And also, the whole

thing of, you have, if you receive gifts, you are agreeing to sign up to the Russian roulette of present opening when you might be delighted or you might want to throw it in their faces. That's part of the thing. Once you start dictating

what you want, it's not present by anyone. They're just supplying you. But I think you're being specific. Here's an example. And this happened at your home. Okay. Kathy invited me round this week with a friend. She sent us an email

saying, would you like anything specific to eat? Ruth, of course, our other friend, said, no, whatever, whatever you've've got don't worry about food i said yes some roast chicken cold in brackets assorted salads cheeses and couscous this is what you can see this email and couscous brackets without onions or chives well i meant now the food was provided for me. Yes. Hattie bought all these items, but I did wonder,

did I overstep the mark or did I help her? I like that a lot. That's all right. If I wrote to someone who I knew was getting married and say, can you give me some clues? I don't mind that. What I'm saying is, I grew up where if someone's gone unmarried, you got them a toast rack.

That was what you did, right? No, but I'm seeing things and they're saying... Congratulations. Nine napkin rings. What are you talking about? Of course I'm not going to buy you that. How often are you even using napkins? For nine as well? Yeah.

I just don't believe that. I mean, for the Olympics, they probably had fun. What about Jamie? What about Jamie? What about Jamie? Who's just tweeted us, my favourite wedding gift was a whole roast chicken. Sadly, my uncle stole it at the end of the reception. Good family.

That is a good family. They're Vikings. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in from 961 who says,

I'm afraid you're behind the times, Frank. Is this with the strippers? Yeah, I'm afraid he's... Hitler and strippers? He's behind the times, if he's just noticed that. That's two and a half hours ago. Late for a show. Or she.

Could be. It's quite common to do birthday and present lists online now. You're kidding. For children anyway. It's the only way to prevent them from getting a load of plastic tat that they really don't need. Chappers, high gate. But toys, if you think about it, are a load of plastic chat...

Tat. Be very careful. I lost my nerve towards the end. I could feel anything could come out that rhymed with hat. But toys themselves are, you know, they are superficial, one could argue. And also, I don't think that guarantees that they don't get plastic tats. But most importantly, to 961, I didn't know people did that. Again, I regard that as an impertinence.

I do as well. Just because it's happening everywhere doesn't make it right. Good. Good point. Thank you. I mean, look at... That's my manifesto. Look at atheism.

I thought you were going to say drunkenness, but you went the other way, so that's fine. That's fine. Yeah, it's such a thing, isn't it? Here's what I want. I mean, you know what other way, so that's fine. That's fine. Yeah, it's such a thing, isn't it? Here's what I want. I mean, you know what... Oh, anyway. What else? What else from the outside world?

Hi, Frank and gang. My cousin got married ten years ago and his wife sent around an online John Lewis present list. Well, they're adopters, I would say, online ten years ago. The only thing I could afford as a poor student was a laundry basket. Who buys anyone a laundry basket? I thought the editor of Loaded won.

Did you? Yeah. I thought domesticity was a good way to start for him. I thought it would get him on a good path. When I'm having one of my Alibaba days... He got divorced. He got divorced. When you're having your Alibaba days, that'll come in handy. Exactly. The Wicker Laundry Basket.

I think I'll put it next Wednesday in my diary. It's going to be Alibaba the whole day. I'll be glad of that. I think I bought it just so I thought I could write something funny on the card because I could say, now you can stop washing this in public. Oh, yeah, yeah. Did you do that? Yeah, I did. Of course I did. Respect a mundo.

I thought you'd respect the joke. And actually, Paul has got a request that I think Emily might be able to help him with. Oh, is it bootcut jeans? The answer's no. No, it isn't, and you're right, the answer is definitely no on the bootcut jeans. As someone who doesn't put gift lists together, could any of the gang give their tips on how

they act good surprised when opening presents? I think this is your domain, you're very good at that, aren't you? Being inauthentic. Okay. Can I say, though, if there's any actors listening, they'll know this, there is a technique... Or participating. ..in the act...

Oh, yes, of course you're an actor. I forgot. Pam! And you're... Would you say you're still an actor? No, I'm a child star. OK. Thank you.

I love that. Is actors doing this thing emotional memory, whereas if they have to do something, like they have to play sad, they remember a time when they were actually sad. Right. And what I do with a present is I remember a present that I really, really was excited about and hold on to that. Oh, that's a good idea.

And when I get a rubbish present, I just press replay. That's good, Frank. I'm not saying it's foolproof. It can end with a snarl. But I mean, this week, for example, I got a present I was genuinely pleased with, and now I'll hold on to that. That's a really good idea.

And you'll use it when somebody gives you something rubbish. I was given sea monkeys this week. Do you know those things? Real monkeys? No, no, sea monkeys, they're like dehydrated animals, creatures, and you put them into water and they spring to life. Have they come alive? Yeah, yeah, I think you might.

What, cryogenics? They were out there, yeah. More or less. Well, there's no freezing. So they did? I think... Now you're going to press me on this. Luckily we have readers who know the answers to this.

I think they're in suspended animation brought about by dehydration, and when I put them in water, then life returns to them. Ah, Dr Frankenstein. It's like Lazarus. If it's Belarus, it's Lazarus, surely. And I remember they were in every comic, every Superman and Batman comic had them in when I was a kid. And, yeah, I got some this week.

I can't wait to... Who bought you those, then? ..to revive. People I work with as an act of gratitude. It's easy. Think on. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Dean and Cochran Together the Frank Skinner Show

Absolute Radio I've just had an email I won't say the name of the sender just in case it's sensitive Frank and the team I went to a wedding last year for my best friend who is a millionaire several times over and the invitation requested a financial contribution to their honeymoon. Say no more.

What? Really? That is outrageous, isn't it? I'll say the name, come on. No, don't say that. No, no. Just in case it's one of my friends. Yeah.

Or mine. Are you similarly worried, Al? I'm not that worried, no. We requested no gifts. Are you similarly worried, Al? I'm not that worried, no. We requested no gifts. My mum got me bowls. Did you? My auntie sent towels. But other than that, no wedding gifts.

Did you say no gifts? Yeah, we already had stuff. Oh, you're so lovely. Yeah. Bowls. B-O-W-L-S. Yes. Not bool.

Not batonk. Bool, I think would be quite a nice wedding present. That would be a lovely gift. For a summer evening when you've run out of conversation. Oh, I'd love that. The thing is, we've already got bool. We've got think would be quite a nice wedding present. That would be a lovely gift. For a summer evening when you've run out of conversation. Oh, I'd love that. The thing is, we've already got bull. We've got everything. I've been thinking about this.

Remember I said on the show that we should define ourselves by what we don't own? We haven't got a garlic press. Still haven't got a garlic press. You don't want that. Don't want that. I've got a knife. Hmm. Okay.

But I don't know what I want. I only want the stuff. That should be the trailer, just Alan saying, just Alan saying, I've got a knife. And then cut to another bit of the show where I'm saying I'm really good at tiptoeing. It's a slightly terrifying trailer. That's going to come back to haunt you, that statement.

Yeah, I don't know what we actually need. And did you or did you not say on the morning floor that you had a knife? Oh, he's in his judge character there. I like his judge character. No, I think I was examining QC. Right, nice. Did we read Patio Dawes' tweet? The knife comment! What was the radio station?

I've never heard of it. That was me as the judge. Patio doors. Is that a handle? Yes. Patio doors. Irish, I see. Very good. We had six of my hubby's family at our wedding who looked like

they were on their way to Tesco. They gave us a card with £15. I do miss those days. Hang on. Aladdin. Six divided 15 ways. What does that work out as? It's not much, is it? That's my answer. That's not very precise, Aladdin. I don't know. What is it? £1.50? It's not a lot, is it?

My brother-in-law is a very successful man. I sent him a £ pound note in his birthday car yeah it was you know it was a tribute to yesteryear when you used to get relatives send you five quid well actually with me i used to get a 10 shilling note wow yeah in my car postal order it's loved talking to. Talking to you sometimes, isn't it? Oh, I don't know. Goodness me. It's like Queen Victoria's children. Isn't it?

Talking to history. Here on Absolute Radio. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 704 has got in touch to say, my wife's uncle and auntie, who bought along their own champagne

and was chauffeur-driven to our wedding, gave us £10 and a card. I like that. Respect. But when was that? That might have been in the 1930s. I think there's respect to that. £10 would buy you a masonette.

More history there, Al, from Frank. Lovely party. You could get a masonette. Why did you call it Talking to History? We should get a Talking to History jingle. Talking to History with Frank Skinner. 933 has texted, Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan.

When I got married, brackets, the first time... Oh, I and Alan. When I got married, brackets, the first time... Oh, I like him. We received a joint present from three work colleagues of my new husband, which consisted of three tea towels and a plastic press for imprinting a smiley face on your toast. See, that is the gift that keeps on giving, I think. Tea towels, it's the one thing you can never have too many of. And, you know, you're going to smile every morning and think,

I'm really glad I got married. I wouldn't have smiley toast if I hadn't. Actually, you could have too many tea towels, couldn't you? You think? I've got too many. That's the end of that anecdote. I'm not going anywhere with it. But when people say, oh, you can't have too many of,

and then whatever it is, probably, I wonder if there is anything you can't have too many of, and then whatever it is. Probably, I wonder if there is anything you can't have too much of on this. Oh, too many passwords, modern world, isn't there? Do you know why I like this? Because it's such a Frank thing. The pedantry, I love it. No. It's like when I told Frank that someone had said to me recently,

nothing could be further from the truth, Frank suggested that I repost it by coming up with a list of things that were actually further from the truth, which I thought was brilliant advice. There would have been loads of them. Yeah. The moon is extremely adjacent to my home. Nowhere near accurate. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what I didn't discuss with you. What about my trip to Badminton? I went to the Badminton horse trials. Oh. Because... Guilty?

No, not proven. Right. OK, I went to the Nuremberg trial. More history there. Apparently they were just following orders. Anyway, carry on. Spo history there. Apparently they were just following orders. Anyway, carry on. Spoiler alert. I went, I'm doing a new motoring column,

so I'm very much... Oh, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's just, uh... Whoa. You're doing a motoring column? Yeah, I do it for InStyle magazine. I do a little video to go with it as well. It's fabulous.

And I took Gary Lineker out in the Jag. Wow. And Connie Huck in the Mitsubishi. Brilliant. I've, um... When I say brilliant, it's through gritted teeth, because I have been designated the motoring correspondent on this show, but now it turns out...

I know, yeah. Emily's got a column. It's all happening. I'm loving it. Outrageous. I didn't know you were a real car enthusiast. Me neither, I am now. No, okay.

No, I am. I am a car enthusiast, but the idea is that I write a column that doesn't just go on about torque, as in T-O-R-Q-U-E. Yes. Questions that you would have. What would be your first question if you were buying a car? What would you want

to know, Frank? What colour is it? Exactly, me too. Yeah. Because when people say to me, what kind of car you've got for the next five years, I'll say, it's like a silver grey. Yeah, exactly. Bloke asked me how many litres my car was at a go. Are you talking about... I can't imagine

you answering that. Yeah, I know. I don't know you answering that. Yeah, I know. What are you talking about? Oh, so why would you want to know that? How many litres? You'd need to check the handbook for stuff like that, wouldn't you? Well, yeah. The what?

The handbook. He doesn't know what the handbook is. It would be in a folder. But you know what I discovered recently? There's a great thing, which is that if you try and put diesel into a petrol tank, it won't let you. So that's good news. No, I know that, cos I...

Tried to do it once. No, I drive... It's a wider pipe. It goes the other way, though, doesn't it? Frank, you sounded such a motoring correspondent there. It's a wider pipe. It's a wider pipe. It's to do with the torque.

Anyway, so... What is the torque? I know it's cheap, but what is it? Anyway, you went to... So I went to Badminton, because it's where these car companies sponsor all these fabulous events, you see. One of which is Badminton Horse Trials. I love a bit of equine,

as you know these days. I know. Yeah, you've gone equine crazy. I know. So I went with my friend Connie Hark, and we drove there. It was a fabulous event, because I love the horse people. What did you drive in there? Corvette? No, we drove in a Mitsubishi. Oh, okay. What kind of horsepower are we talking about?

I don't know. But, it was cross-country, so it was all very exciting. Lots of very posh people, lots of very I-rather-tried people. Okay. lots of very posh people lots of very i rather tried people okay yeah you said i said oh i thought fell off my horse the other week they went oh dear they find that quite funny i don't think it's bad but probably probably also admire you for it oh they loved it you've had that experience did you get back on oh yeah they went good show good they like that but we had a bit of an incident which was rather unfortunate we had a lovely lovely time, loved the cross-country. We lost our car. Couldn't find it. No one told me that Badminton was 52,000 acres.

I didn't know that. So when we drove in, I saw a sign that said 42. I said, Con, it's fine because I know where the car's parked. I didn't realise there were about seven car parks and probably about 10 42s. So we were wandering around for about two hours. I did that once with a professional driver at a European championship. We came out and he'd forgot where he'd parked it. It was so frightening. I was almost crying.

I saw a sign saying lost people. I said, we're people and we're lost. Well, I've now got a thing on my car where I have an app where I can go to a map and it'll show me where my car is. That is brilliant. Frank, we got so desperate, we went up to this man driving a buggy and this woman who'd been doing cross-country eventing, one of the riders was in the back, and Connie just commandeered it. She said, please give us a lift.

And the woman was like, I said, Connie, that's Zara Phillips. I mean, how embarrassing. We tried to steal her buggy. She didn't give you a lift. No, but she gave Connie a nice smile because I think she recognised her from Blue Peter. Oh, OK. She's got a lovely smile, Zara Phillips. She's my new idol.

Oh. I love her. Anyway, we found it in the end, but it was very interesting. And I love her shops. Yeah, they are good. I mean, they're stylish, but quite reasonable. For people at home who can't afford the app that Frank's got to find his car, I'd tie a little ball of wool around my gear stick,

and then I'd just unfurl it as I'm going places. Oh, do you put a plassey bag on the top of the aerial? A little thrifty version. Like when the luggage comes down the carousel. Orange bag. No, but it's very good, the app. Is it? OK, I'm going to get that. So is the wool

loan. That's cheaper, I would say. Frank, do you want to come out for a spin with me? Let's do it. Any car you can choose. Oh, and you, Alan. We'll we'll all go sounded like a bit of a post script there didn't i yeah i have to see because i can't name a car frank wants a red one frank in a ferrari frank in a ferr I know, I know. OK, Nick Ferrari can use that as his jingle. Oh, I'm not taking him out for a ride. Anyway, we love Nick Ferrari.

Yeah, we do. It just happens to have a car name. Yeah. So, look, we've ended in a peculiar way involving Nick Ferrari. But we went from badminton horse trials to Nick Ferrari. It's a well-trodden path, let's face it. We started with stripper grams. Yes, that seems like many years ago now. Thank you so much for listening this morning.

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.