The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Fandue

Episode Date: May 12, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun return this week and discuss Frank's trip to Zurich, Em's trip to Morocco, pop feuds and restaurant etiquette.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and... Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner. Emily has returned. I'm back. So that's tremendous news. I've got to have something for Emily has returned. Hold on. That seems right.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, did you tell people I was in prison when I was off? Because I've had a couple of inquiries as to my well-being. I never suggested that, did I? I don't know. I think you might have. I mean, it sounds like the sort of thing you could have said.

I think you just said that she's in prison. One of those elegant lies. I don't think I really referred to you being away because you're out the contrary. I always think I'm sort of... You worry about burglars, don't you? I don't want to be on burglar alert. I know.

Appreciate that. It's like football teams that are playing away, literally playing away. We can now say, can't we, that you were off on the road to Morocco. I was. Lovely.

I've never been to Morocco. No, me neither. They can't pin that on me. That's another thing that's kept me out of prison. I went with Joe Orton, I think, in 61. No, I didn't.

Okay, well I've got some anecdotes, but we'll get to those later. Well, you could have bought me a replacement fringe for the fez. You know, the little fez. Or a fez, even. Well, it's funny you should say that, but we'll get to that, presently. Did you go to Fez's Ar know, the little Fez. Or a Fez, even. The Daisy Youth. Well, it's funny you should say that, but we'll get to that, presently.

Did you go to Fez's Arrows? No. Wouldn't it be called Fez Fest? Oh, nice. Although I did find myself saying at one point, one of my holiday companions was TV's Jonathan Ross. Oh, yeah. And I did find myself saying at one point,

I've got to go to the suit, because I need to get Frank's, the tassels missing on Frank's little fez. Did you? Which was, I won't tell you what he said in reply. New readers, we should say that when I've, when we're overdoing it and talking too much, because we did accidentally win best speech programme once.

It's true. That's when you know your links are getting out of hand. The director does, he puts a small fez. Not a fez. I suppose it wouldn't fit any human being. Maybe a baby, even. It would fit a marmoset monkey. What can I tell you what it would fit?

Because when Jonathan was asking for it, he was saying, was everyone fez? And then he said, poor and pretty chat. I said, you've asked for a cat's Fez a small cat Fez and he said yeah well it is for a cat it's that size

that actually is about right he says Fez poor and putty shat that's the Fez size great bit of ordering a small cat Fez yeah

you couldn't get me a small cat Fez could you do you want ice with that no no I think you misunderstand oh lovely well we'll have we'll have more of we'll return but obviously No, no, I think you misunderstand. Oh, lovely.

Well, we'll have more of Barack, won't we? But obviously, Emily's wearing quite a lot of white today, as people do when they come back off their holidays. I really have gone for it, haven't I? Although it's a phenomenon that's dipped in that you can go and get a tan down the high street. True, true. The phrase, have you been away, has more or less disappeared from British parlance.

Have we heard from the outside world? We have. I bring to your attention an email entitled Greyhound Couchant. Oh, yes. Hi, Frank and Co. A few weeks ago... I think it's Couchant. Is it Couchant?

My apologies. I don't think you hit that last consonant. I have no French. My apologies. A few weeks ago, Frank told a story about a heraldry-based joke that hadn't gone down as well as he'd hoped. What, on breakfast television on commercial radio? That can't be true.

Well, this is the thing that I like, is that you often bear the innards of jokes that have not worked. No, but to be fair, I was at a pub called The Greyhound and I just pointed out that on the sign outside that it was couchant rather than rampant, which was, that'd be a rampant. So in heraldic terms, it means it was lying down rather than raised.

Yeah. I'm just making a simple point. I think in the audience would love the use of heraldic terms about a pub sign. They didn't. audience I'd love the use of heraldic terms about a pub site. They didn't. Well, great news. I was going to say Couchant, that's what I call the Jeremy Kyle, isn't it?

Yes. Because that's how he tends to... Yeah, when he does that thing when he lies on the studio floor. Yeah. Oh, I don't like the sound of this. Oh. No, go on, carry on.

I can finish this email. Yes. Frank told a story about a heraldry-based joke that hadn't gone down as well as he'd hoped when playing the Greyhound Pub in Sydenham many years ago. As one of your Sydenham readers, that means a listener to the show for new readers, I wanted to let you know that since hearing said joke on the show,

it has made me chuckle every time I have passed the Greyhound Pub. I wonder if Frank has any other Sydenham-based material he'd like to share to keep us going between podcasts. For example, anything about WG Grace or Ernest Shackleton, who both lived in the area. Oh, did WG Grace live there? Or, ideally, a witty anecdote about the closure of the Croydon Canal in 1836, the first canal to be closed by an Act of Parliament. Yours in hope more than expectation. Yes.

If this was Bob Monkhouse's radio show, I would be reaching for my card index file. And he'd have, like, eight of them. Ernest Shackleton jokes. Written in different colours, yeah, for different audiences. Yes. Well, I didn't know Shackleton and Dopey, that's a pretty good combo.

You're covering all the seasons there. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a very satisfying moment last night. It's all right, it's all right. Calm down. Hey, 8.14, just FYI. It's been enjoyable. Speak for yourself.

Being on the radio. I'd spent, I think we worked at 35 hours trying to remember the name Bishop Stortford. Oh, nice. And Kath said, no, I'm just going to Google it. And I said, you dare Google it. It was on a train together. And she got in a real

strop about it. But I didn't let her tell me. And it was really on my mind, on my mind. And then last night, in the middle of... The night. I'm walking in my sleep. It was actually in the middle of... The night. No, it was actually...

I'm walking in my sleep. It was actually in the middle of the Yoda Chronicles, which is a Lego-based animation show. I suddenly thought, Bishop Storford! Brilliant. Course! Oh, it was great. Absolutely great.

It's like a pools win. You've got to be careful shouting that out in the night, though. You might sound like you once dated him. I was in the privacy of my own home. Very good. Bishop Storford. That was a night. Morning to everyone in Bishop Storford today.

What else did they say? DJs. Here's White Snake. How's it hanging? How did they say? DJs Here's why it's not How's it hanging? Don't they say that? Not since they banned capital punishment That's another radio station Yeah That's what capital should be called

Anyway We've actually got a correction in anyway we've actually got a correction in if you're interested oh, correctione let's get the jingle Frank, come on it's almost as if we couldn't get the actual chance, We've just got library football crowd noises

and someone singing, someone me, singing it over the top. Anyway, correct me if I'm wrong. What have I said? Is it someone saying that Graham Pobison in Sydney? No. OK. Good morning, Frank and Alan. Welcome back, DME.

Thank you. I'm afraid I have to correct a joke used in last week's show. Oh, last week's show. I first came across the property is theft quotes. It's in quotes. Yeah. We were discussing that joke last week. Yeah.

I first came across the property is theft gag some 30 years ago in a student rag mag. Then, as now, the pedant in me had to point out that the phrase all property is theft was coined by the 19th century anarchist pierre joseph prudhon proud hon p-r-o-u-d-h-o-n maybe proud one i hope like that joseph proud one it has nothing to do with Karl Marx or communism. Unfortunately, why does Proudhon drink herbal tea? Loses something in comedy value. Historically correct, though. Keep up the good work, Jez Reynolds. Okay, so I did say it might not have been my original joke

because ponds, people think of ponds. So if it's 30 years old, how could it possibly be mine? So, yeah. Yeah, old, how could it possibly be mine? So, yeah. Okay, thanks for that. I think he's pointing out that it was the 19th century anarchists that done it. So that predates yours, doesn't it? Oh, right. No, no, but he didn't do the joke.

He said all property is theft, but he wasn't talking about... What's happened to the show? Arguing about Proudhon? Yeah. Nothing, basically. Extraordinary. This is exactly the sort of Are we talking about Proudhon? Yeah. Nothing, basically. Extraordinary. This is exactly the sort of stuff. He's got a very high brow.

He hasn't been around. Yeah, do you remember that time, the big Proudhon squabble? That's what got us the ARIA award that year. Oh, Proudhon Gate. That was fantastic. Oh, dear. I enjoyed it.

I've learned something new. I'd never heard of... Gustav, is it? Pierre Joseph. Oh, wow. PJ. PJ. Love PJ.

PJ Proudhon. I wonder what he wore at night. Yeah, PJ Proudhon. That's brilliant. Do you think he wore bottoms? Just the top. Like you, Frank. Well, he was an anarchist.

Was he an anarchist? Yeah. He was, yeah. Yeah, he probably wore one of those half suits just the top like you Frank well he was an anarchist was he an anarchist did you say he was yeah yeah he probably wore one of those half suits that people do when they're doing

a sketch when they play two people so he wore one pyjama leg and one pyjama sleeve and half jacket probably didn't

probably just wore the one the breast pocket for the handkerchief oh yeah yeah JP Prude on there on Absolute Radio. So I was in Zurich this week.

Oh, lovely. Yeah, have you been to Zurich? I haven't. I've always wanted to go. Big clock face. What did you call me? Oh, lovely. Yeah, have you been to Zurich? I haven't. I've always wanted to go. Big clock face. What did you call me? There is a big clock face there.

That's what I know about it. There is. I saw the big clock face. Yeah. It didn't look that big. I'll be straight with you. Did it not? No. I think I've seen bigger floral.

You know you get the big floral clocks at the seaside? Oh, yeah. You're aware of that? No. But you know you get the big floral clocks at the seaside Oh yeah, personal But you know what I always think when I think of Zurich, I think clock face and I think is that Dadaism as well? Oh yes, Cabaret Voltaire

is there which is where the Dada movement kicked off in 1916 Anyway, it was lovely, quiet, clean. I think not that many tourists. I think a lot of people choose their destinations alphabetically. Yeah.

So if you go to Zurich, Zanzibar, you often got a bit of extra elbow room. Absolutely. Yeah. And... I mean, most people are... Zimbabwe? Most people don't get as far as Lanzarote, do they?

No, exactly. They stop travelling. No. I was working. I wasn't there for an assisted suicide. I don't know what you're thinking. That went wrong. Yeah, exactly.

Turned out they were double booked. All a bit embarrassing. They did that dude that was in the news this week. There was a dude, wasn't there? 104. He was in town. He was in town when I was there, yeah. He's one of the Foo Fighters.

Yeah. Goodness sake. There he was. I was hoping to bump into him. In town. That would have been good. I said, all right, mate. Give us your watch.

Give us that watch. Yeah, yeah. Okay, everyone. Anyway. Meanwhile, over at the Clock Face. Yeah, so Give us your watch Give us that watch Okay everyone Meanwhile over at the clock face Yeah so Apparently I didn't I'd heard this but I wasn't really aware of it They've got quite a lot of

Nazi gold Oh that's nice Which is the absolute new station The absolute best Of Nazism. Here on Nazi Gold. If it was... I'd say if there was a TV channel called Nazi Gold,

middle-aged men, they would be tuning in in their droves. I've met that weird phenomenon that men over 45 only want to watch documentaries about World War II generally and the Nazis in particular. What is that about? Hey, 12.15. There's going to be some interesting texts arriving soon.

This is very true, though. Yeah. I think it was a second date with someone who suggested we watch Nazis, a warning from history many years ago what was he getting at? yeah do you mind wearing these boots while we're watching it?

I mean, come on I wouldn't trust anyone who said that would you not? no I know someone who on their first date, they watched Friends. Oh, nice. Oh, really?

Not nice. He'd never heard of it. No way. He said, what, it's off? How long has this been going? It's like series five. What's it called, Friends? Never heard of it, yeah.

Had he been in a coma? That was... You've just reminded me of something. I was on a bus the other day day and somebody, I was looking at... See, that anecdote would be the end, actually. Somebody was on their phone and they Googled Donald Trump. They Googled Donald Trump. Wow!

Donald Trump. Like, I keep hearing about this guy. Wow. Not Donald Trump plus something. Just who is the man? Just Donald Trump. No other words. Because I was looking and thinking, oh Just who is the man? Just Donald Trump. No other words. Because I was looking and thinking, oh, what is it about?

Because Donald Trump's done a lot and said a lot of things over the... But it was just that. Just Donald Trump. That's the brilliant thing about Google. They were just probably trying to remember his name and they gave him. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. 617 has texted us, Frank, I'm only a youngster at 33 and a half

and I love a good Nazi documentary. OK, well, I'm not saying that they only are for middle-aged men, but get in early. That's the secret with those. Also, 545 has said, Frank, I think the channel, you were describing a channel called Nazi Gold wasn't it yeah exactly, I think the channel already exists

but it's called Yesterday oh yes I've seen that one just documentaries about Nazis Yesterday they also have that as their jingle just a one little bit of Brian Ferry Yesterday they can say hello and welcome to Yesterday us there in a jingle. Just a one little bit of Brian Ferry. Yes, indeed.

They could say, hello and welcome to Yes, indeed. There was a Life FM. Does that still exist? Life. Sarah?

Well, they actually, I think they only called it that because they'd say, here we are on Life FM. Life. Ooh, life.

Did they do that? And they did there. Oh, good. They didn't sing it, they played the track. I'd have just sang it. I'd have made every DJ do that? And they did there Oh good They didn't sing it They played the track I'd have just sang it I'd have made every DJ Do that

Life That would be good Yeah Anyway Where have you been My blue eye turn Where have you been My belly open

You alright sweetheart I like a bit of Can you do the meds I love a bit of... Can you do the meds, Dave? I love a bit of Brian Ferry. Yeah. Which bit is that? Oh, he's doing it again. I know.

Yeah, OK. So, um... Oh, don't start me on the ferry. It's a real thing with me. I can't leave it. Don't play the ferryman. Oh, we've got some... I can't leave it alone.

We've got some controversy, guys. Dear Alan Frank and Ems... The producer's lost it. I'm a 48-man. 48-year-old man, I'm going to assume. Then what about his waist size? Maybe, I don't think so. I'm a 48-man and not the least bit interested

in World War II documentaries or Nazis. Calm down, dear. Give me Gardner's World any time. Oh, well, there you go. I'm not saying everyone. Oh. I think you might have at the start of this.

I didn't say everyone. Did I say everyone? I'm sorry if I did. Alan, he never generalises. No, Gardener's World is about as far away from a Nazi documentary as you could get, I guess.

It'd be hard. It'd be hard to build that scale. But yeah. Anyway, I don't know. We got on to the whole terrible subject. Yeah. Oh, God. Yes.

Is this going to be a new, quite regular thing in your life? No, I don't think so. It's been a regular thing in my life for about 20 years, but I've kept it off air. Brian Ferry thing? I don't know,

where did Brian Ferry even come into? Yesterday. Yes, let's see. I always knew, I think, somewhere deep down that one day

it would leak out on air. But I will do this on my own at home. I will do Brian Ferry like for four minutes at a time. That's good. Me dog.

Yeah. It's Ferry Moorish. That's what it is. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio Oh, I tell you, I had a fondue. Oh, nice.

Oh. I haven't had one of them for years. I've just had my first this week. Congratulations. Shut up. What are the chances? That is, I'm not even lying. No.

That's, really? Yeah. I've had my first one since the 80s, I think. Really? Yeah. I've had my first one since the 80s, I think. Really? They were quite big in the 80s in the West Midlands. The fondue? Everyone got a fondue set. Well, I had one once in Joanne Le Pen

and I didn't like it. That's in France. Oh, okay. And I didn't like it because the little stick, I burnt my lip with it. I think it's too dangerous. I don't think the stick is meant to really touch mouth is it? I thought the stick was for bread. No, I think I made an error. I put it straight in. How did you get on? I put it straight

in as well. How did you get on then? It was great. I mean, it's fundamentally don't... Fundamentally? Yeah, fundamentally. I love it. I'm a very big fan do. Oh, no. He's off.

When we want something to eat, don't we really basically want a bowl of melted cheese? Isn't that like the ultimate? I mean, just, it's dripping off the bread. I still have gherkins in it. Did you? Nice. Pickled on it. That's nice for everyone else.

Did you? Yeah. Really courteous. It's on the fork. It was great, though. I thought, why don't I just eat fondue all the time? There's several good reasons to not do that. Then I remembered the national obesity crisis.

Yeah. Also, the assembly. Not fondue caused that, I don't believe. The assembly required for the fondue, the washing up... There is a bit of kit involved, isn't there? I'm getting bumps and burns. It's like a chemistry experiment. I've got the time. Well, I seem to remember in the 80s when they got big.

I remember people bought woks as well. Everybody got woks. We were so... I've still got a wok. What's wrong with a wok? Woks are well. Everybody got woks in where I... God, we were so... I've still got a wok. What's wrong with a wok? Woks are great. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them.

Calm down, you're making a fool of yourself. You get very defensive about woks, it turns out. I never knew that about myself until right now. God. I'll find Frank, press the wok button. I've always wondered what makes Alan angry. Woks. Yeah, he's a wok defender.

Big time. But I remember with the fondues, people, they weren't, you'd think melted cheese is a big enough indulgence for anybody. And then people started having chocolate fondues. Oh. Where they just melted chocolate. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah.

That's too much, isn't it? Oh, it's a bit... I don't like it. Then again, if you've got the stuff out and it's time for pudding, you might as well just give it a wipe with a kitchen towel. You want to have two of them going at the same time, like plate spinning.

The heat, though. The intense heat at the dining table. What, you had to wear... You had to wear a welding mask. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I don't want to wrench us out of Zurich again. I'm having such a lovely time with you there. But we've had... The air is much cleaner. Is it? In London. Oh, different world

carry on same world different country oh yeah sorry my geography is a bit pedant at least you didn't bring up walks

yeah don't get me started Alan finds walks very triggering yeah 136 has texted in dear Frank et al and Em

My wife and I always say the word avocado in a Brian Ferry voice That's Neil from Battersea Do you want to give that a try Frank? Avocado Yeah

Nice Yeah And 806 has texted Hi Frank My wife and I were married in 1987 and received no less than six fondue sets. Wow. Result.

To this day, we have never had a fondue. They could do a multi-fondue like a Rick Whiteman gig with them on different tables around them with them turning around taking out bits of bread, pickled onion. Maybe a live canary. Oh no, sorry everyone. You say that, but they couldn't. I think you'll find that comes under the banner of very cruel. Yeah I think you're right.

They couldn't. They say they've never had fondue and to this day we've never had a fondue and can't be bothered with the hassle for a lump of melted cheese on an olive. We ended up giving them back as wedding presents and in fact gave one back to the person who gave us ours and they never knew

until we owned up 25 years later i never used one of them can you believe that yes of course i can i suspect there are people all over the country with dusty fondue sets well send me one because i'm gagging for it i tell you it's uh it to have loads of fun new sets here. I tell you, it's... It's going to be like Tom Daley's Masterpan all over again. Do you remember the steamboat? Do you remember that one? No. We're not that old, are we? More like...

I'm not talking about how I arrived here. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. A steamboat? Do you not remember this? It was like a sort of a a basket full of boiling soup and it's had the heat underneath it's had a heat underneath it

like the fondue the bonson burner thing and you used to cook stuff in it so you'd put it in a little metal scoop like maybe a bit of, so you'd put it in a little metal scoop, like maybe a bit of chicken, and you'd leave it sitting, dangling into the hot soup,

and you'd boil it. This so sounds like Call My Bluff and You're The Bluffer. Okay, okay. I don't know what this is. A steamboat? A throat mure. I mean, you lost me at a basket of soup, but that doesn't sound like it would hold soup. It's very tightly woven.

This really is a lie. No, it is a lie. It's an oriental thing. Oh, okay. Yeah. Can you still say oriental? I think so, yeah. You can say that?

Yes. It's a little bit Madonna borderline. Five, nine, two. I don't think it is. I'm pretty sure it's fine. It's so difficult. So difficult. I'm pretty sure you can. It's a little bit Madonna borderline. 5.92. I don't think it is. I'm pretty sure it's fine. It's so difficult. So difficult. I'm pretty sure it's fine, everyone.

Okay. It's totally fine. Anyway, let's move on in case it isn't. 5.92 has said, I have a fondue once a year on Eurovision night. Oh, of course. Which is tonight. Cheese on the cheesiest night of the year.

Brilliant. Not tried it with a gherkin though oh I wish I'd got one now because it'd be a great thing although Kath wouldn't eat melted cheese in a million years oh no well what about the bread

she wouldn't eat the bread yes well that rules out that dish then it's gone the gherkin maybe she might fish the gherkin out I mean melted cheese and bread is the basics of loads of really delicious

food that she's missing out on. All delicious food. Yeah, pizza, cheese on toast, fondue. Croque monsieur. Croque madame. Croque mademoiselle. Is there a croque mademoiselle? Yeah, I believe so. Your favourite melted cheese and bread dish.

No, don't do that. We're not capital punished. We have had a good whatever happened to email that I will bring to your attention. It's the first, to my knowledge, that has abbreviated whatever happened to to WHT. Oh, I love that. When I make a note of one I think of,

that's what I put on WHT. Oh, really? WHT. Only this make a note of one I think of, that's what I thought of WHT. Oh, really? WHT. Only this week I thought of one. It begins, WHT quicksand in US TV programme. Oh, come on. Like it.

In the 80s, it was in everything from the A-Team to Airwolf to just about any cowboy programme. Discuss. Yeah, quicksand in old... Quicksand in general. And the... And the...

One of them would always say, don't struggle, because if you struggle, you go down quicker. Is that an urban myth about Quicksand? I don't know. That'd be a good thing to check out, because if I was in Quicksand,

I would just... I'd keep as still as I could, thinking that was right. I think then you're dying, you're swallowed up by it. I think it is better to stay still and find something solid. I think I saw this on Bear Grylls.

Oh, did you? I think it is still... You're not a fan of Bear Grylls? It's just the whole survival thing. I don't get it. Oh, OK. I just don't get it. You'd rather not survive?

You just don't like him because he's not, yeah, he's anti-fondue because he's Bear Grylls. I think I would like to survive if I was placed in a position where I had to survive, but if I went looking for surviving situations, I'd think there was something needy about me.

But no, no disrespect to Bear Grylls. Some. Well, it sounds like some. A little bit of disrespect. I wonder if Bear Grylls would like a fondue. Or would that go against his family tradition of the grill? No, he's a griller.

He's a griller. He's very well adjusted in humankind. Yeah, he has to be, no shots. Did you see that handsome gorilla this week? Handsome gorilla? Richard the Gorilla in Prague Zoo. No. I'm just saying I'm going over there.

I mean, I got all of a fling about the muscly kangaroo last time. Brother Gorilla. Oh, God. Doing all the voices today. Jack Thackeray. Always popular. Thackeray. Always popular. Thackeray and Ferry. Always let me down.

I didn't see the beautiful gorilla, but maybe that's just as well. Absolutely stunning. Eh? I just can't quit him. I can't quit that crazy ape. Exactly. Bit of a silver fox

as well the gorilla oh yeah not really a fox but they've got the silver backs they've all got silver backs

so it's out of distinction with them I don't know I only know that one very distinguished looking the gorilla yeah lovely and they love

a bit of Ribena bit of a Dickie Davis hair yeah Dickie Davis always looked like he was painting his ceiling

bit of white at the front someone else in modern telly with bit of white his hair. Yeah. Dickie Davis always looked like he was painting his ceiling. Bit of white at the front. Is someone else in modern telly with a bit of white at the front? 8, 12, 15. Yeah. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. 428 has

pointed out that George Lamb, of course, we were talking earlier about who else, like Dickie Davis, has the silver streak. I've just been painting the ceiling, okay. I tell you what, we were also off air, we were talking about the fact that Matthew Wright is leaving the Wright stuff. Yeah.

And they seemed determined to keep... The concept. The title or something similar to it. And we were saying, Ian Wright, could we think of anyone else? Well, they said, we should say in case anyone doesn't know, yeah, they said Matthew Wright is leaving his show, but surely that would mean the show was cancelled

because that would be like Graham Norton leaving the Graham Norton show. Well, I don't know. I think the format is rock solid. Have you ever done the right stuff? Hashtag load review. I have done the right stuff. Have you, Frank? Been on the telly for years, hasn't it?

It's been a long time. Yeah. Okay. Do you remember what you talked about? No, of course not. Issues of the day. No. I think I did my Brian Ferry.

Yeah. No, I didn't. I didn't. I don't know what we talked about, but, you know. Okay. It wasn't too deep. It was quite a pleasant thing to do. But they're going to have someone that sounds a bit,

that they can work with, the something stuff. Yeah. Or, as Al was pointing out, another Ian. Another Wright would have to do it. So Ian Wright would have to do it. Yeah. There aren't that many famous... Mark Wright?

Do you remember the two women cooks, and one was on a motorbike? Clarissa Dixon Wright. Is she still with us? I don't know. I'm not sure. One of them died and one of them didn't. That's how I remember it. Tell me.

Hold on. Well, anyway, maybe not her. Oh! What about the man who was married to Ulrika Johnson? Was he called Wright? He was called Lance Gerard Wright because there was a dating show built around him called Meeting Mr Wright.

Perfect. And then, unfortunately, Ulrika, who was the host, ran off with him. It happens. And then it transpired that he was not Mr Right even for the first. I'm just saying he could have a resurgence. I don't think... I can't see him getting it. No, I can't.

Can you? I mean, no disrespect. Unless he's got a very powerful agent that's been lying dormant for a while. Seems... Who else could do it? I just can't. Vicky Blight used to be on here. Could be the Blight stuff. It's not quite right, do it? I just can't. Vicky Blight used to be on here. Could be the Blight stuff. It's not quite right, is it?

033 has suggested Taggart without Taggart carried on. So, you know, it's possible. That's true. That was a drama. Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying it's a Blight for life comparison. I don't think there's any suggestion the Wright stuff's going to go. Just because Matthew Wright probably thought when he got his name in the title that he cracked it.

But no sirree Bob, as they say. Anyway, this is enough. I'd like to know if anyone's got any bright ideas about how they could keep the basic title and bring in a famous celebrity. Well, we've had some good advice. The advice to survive quicksand is to get your body into a horizontal position as if swimming. This stops you sinking. That's from Steve839.

Very counterintuitive that, isn't it? It is. But then what do you do? I think you sort of paddle towards terra firma. Oh, you paddle so you can't move a bit. Very, very slowly. Depends on the constituency of the quicksand you're in, I guess.

I think you'd have to just clench and unclench your buttocks to the bank. Like a motorboat or something. When you come out of it, you've had a lovely mud pack thing on the skin and you've got... You start to see the positives. Bons of steel, do they call them? Yes, I think they do.

You know, it could be... I hope long now before we go into a beautician's and there's quicksand. Well, quite a long time. I would imagine. It could be the quicksand pit. You wait and see, guys. You heard it here first.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I tell you what I really wanted to talk about this morning, and I've left it a bit because we had to go to Zurich and we had some lovely fondue-related... No. OK.

We had some lovely fondue-related moments. Oh, yes. And then there was the Proudhon part of the show. Each time I see a little girl... I'll leave that one there. No, no, really do leave that. But I want to talk about Katy Perry

and Taylor Swift. Oh good, me too. Because there's been a bit of a John Thor in relations between those two. They've been feuding, as you may be aware. For years. Six years. I have to say, I didn't know about the feud until it...

The first I heard of it was that they'd made friends. I hadn't picked up on the feud. Oh, really? Well, you know, I used to be... They've been friends all over the place. You know, I used to be into, like, gangster rap and all that. And when they had feuds, you heard about it, because people got killed.

Yeah. I mean, it was really... It was a big... And this one, this was got killed. Yeah. I mean, it was really, it was a big... And this one, this was never going to get out of hand, was it? No. You say that in a sort of misty, water-coloured memory. No, no, but I'm just saying there's feuds and there's feuds. That's all I'm saying.

I agree. Isn't the original feud, and I might have got this wrong, but isn't the original feud that there's an accusation that one of them employed the other's backing dancers? I don wrong, but isn't the original feud that there's an accusation that one of them employed the other's backing dancers? I don't know if it's the original feud. I think you don't have to look in the Old Testament. No, I mean, between those two.

Yes, they were poached. They poached. I think Katy Perry poached Taylor Swift's backing dancers. I mean, I don't want to disrespect any backing dancers. I don't want to disrespect any backing dancers. I don't want to disrespect any backing dancers in the world, but how irreplaceable are they?

I mean, America's population's about 300 million, isn't it? How hard can it be to find three more people to dance in the background of a song? Yeah, but the thing is, they've got to learn the routine. Yeah, but also, for these people, it's not just backing dancers, it's hired friends, let's be honest. Oh, is it? There's the problem.

There is an element of hired friends. Just get a chess app on your phone, you don't ever need friends. No, no, but it wouldn't work on stage as a backing. I mean, get some dancers. Even if you don't like their personalities. Shake it Off with your iPhone propped against a thing

with Night to Queen's Porn Square. No, it couldn't do that. Couldn't be doing that. It'd be alright, you know, for a novelty thing. It'd be alright for

the first verse, it'd be funny. But then you want the people to come on in the rolled up trousers. Yeah. I think that's important. But the thing is... So you think backing dancers are irreplaceable and it was beef? I don't think they're irreplaceable, but I think one expects a certain loyalty from them.

Really? I mean, backing, the word backing suggests that they are, you know, they've got your back. Yeah, true. Well, Taylor even wrote a song about this. You may be aware. Bad Blood was about her friendship with Katy Perry. Oh, my God.

Why are you sighing like an angry parent? Oh, God. I thought it was about septicine. I mean, what a fool. What a fool I've been. It's like the haemophiliac king. I didn't know that it was about the feud. So what does it say?

Things like... Well, baby, now we got bad blood. And this is by Taylor Swift? Yeah. She says at one point, band-aids don't fix bullet holes. You say sorry just for show. Great lyric.

So she had said sorry before, is that right? I can't comment bullet holes. You say sorry just for show. Great lyric. So she had said sorry before, is that right? I can't comment on that. I don't like Katy Perry. She is not very nice. But you can imagine her doing it like that and thinking, oh, I like that bit where you brought nice out of the general structure. Anyway, the point is, Katie's ended the feud. Made friends.

She sent an actual... Actually, let's go for literal. In one of the rare occasions where we can use that correctly. Literally. Literal olive branch. She literally sent an olive branch. Olive branch in a box arrived at Taylor's... I don't know where Taylor...

What does Taylor live in? No, it was at the stadium where she was performing. Bio Dome. She lives in a pod. I imagine she's in a Bio Dome, yeah. Yeah, perhaps her house basically looks like the Eden Project.

Yeah, I imagine that. In a little skater skirt. Look, I'm not one of these persons who goes on about the millennials and how things, everything's going wrong and we're going to hell in a little skater skirt. Look, I'm not one of these persons who goes on about the millennials and how things, everything's going wrong and we're going to hell in a handcart. You know that a bit. That so means you are that.

You are a little bit. But I must admit, the words broken Britain were on my lips when I read in BBC News, they had this story, and then in a paragraph on its own, they had on BBC News this story, and then in a paragraph on its own, they had, on BBC News, this sentence,

the olive branch is a symbol of peace. And I thought, well, if you need to tell people that, why don't we just close the whole shop down? Forget about it. Isn't that dramatic? Honestly, is it really? I thought to myself. Oh.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Just during that, I just got a pencil and paper and I've just drafted a little plan to prevent future rows between people like Taylor Swift and what's her name?

Katy Perry. Shelby. It's basically, what I've done is I've stolen the transfer window system that the footballers adopt. And I thought they could do that for backing dancers. Good idea. Maybe go out of season, go across and if somebody's really disliked they could go on a Bosman.

You know, they could get a Bosman system going. Great idea. It'll stop this sort of beef. Yeah. The thing is though, you know, the theory is of course with football is that if a player wants to leave, you might as well let them go because they become disgruntled. You don't want your backing singers

spelling out expletives behind you, like YMCA style. Or you don't want them like Peter Odenwingi, as it was, turning up at the... QPR? Yeah. Sorry to mention football, Frank, by the way. That's okay.

It's been a difficult week. I know. I thought so, really. Yeah, I'm sort of slightly disgusted with the backing singers, really. Strong? Disgusted? Yeah, I just think...

I was just about to go on tour and my tour manager said, look, I'm really sorry about this, but I've had an offer from Morrissey and I'm going to go with him instead. And we've never spoke since. Is that right? Yeah.

When was that, Frank? Oh, that was probably 2007. Right, OK. But, you know, you want a bit of loyalty in life. Good night. No, I only ask because I read an article about someone who was a tour manager who'd been fired from the Morrissey tour. I'm sure there's been a lot of them.

I imagine he's unperdificile. He's like Jonathan Ross in the suit. This bloke left me because I was a bit of a git and he went down tour with Morrissey. Brian Panfire. Exactly. You never know he might be a lovely

blow cough I think he's a laugh I don't think he is he says some funny things this feud yeah and

well the olive branch specifically unfortunately it backfired though because did you see this I don't know if you follow

Taylor Swift on Instagram or if you follow Taylor Swift on Instagram or if you look at her Insta stories. I frankly probably would have seen it. I've never seen her Insta stories. Certainly not even on a scanner. On her Insta stories, she had the olive branch and the card that Katie had sent her.

Oh, is this where she zoomed in on just the bit that said sorry and not on the rest? The bit that said sorry. Well, it began, hey, old friend. Now, delete from contacts immediately if I got a card that started with that. Yeah. OK, any enemies?

But, yeah, I think... She should have put, hey, frenemy. Or, hey, enemy. If I had a card that said, hey, old friend, I'd assume it had come through a medium. So what's bad about that? Well, Katie was upset, I believe, because it implied that she was taking

full and sole responsibility for the disagreement and she felt it was unfair because she didn't show the whole card. I don't know what happened. Maybe the rest of the card said it's all your fault. At the end of the day, she sent the olive branch, so she's got to eat a bit of humble pie.

Who I think supported her on that too. What a shot that would have been for the kids. Anyway, I was thinking Uriah Heep. Humble pie was Pete Frampton's band, I think. Oh, OK. Anyway, this is going well. Thank goodness we have music that comes in like the trapeze. We're in mid-air.

Oh, my God, there's the trapeze. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'm not on the subject of Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. Cat fights, they used to work. Oh, yes. They used to, in the same era as Quicksand, there would often be a cat fight in a film. What was the big one?

Joan Collins. And very well remembered, Frank. Yeah. I appreciate it. It was Joan Collins and Linda Evans who played Crystal and Alexis in Dynasty. Massive cat fight, they are. Sort of me and Daisy of their time.

Yeah, that's right. You realise what flimsy material women's tops were made out of. Their tops were always very badly ripped in the cat fights, I remember. Yeah, they've got sturdier over the years, haven't they? I was just so relieved for both those women that the hair stayed on.

Yeah, always. And the make-up. And the blouses. No, I mean the hair literally stayed on in both cases. Oh, I see. If you know what I mean. Yes, I get your drift. Respect. Katy Perry, I think, is a beautiful woman,

but she's one of... Good idea....her style of beauty. Don't you think that? Oh, I a beautiful woman but she's one of um her style of beauty don't you think oh i do i think she's stunning but are you so would you go for katie rather than taylor i think um yes okay but she is only because i find that there is a sort of a lunar feel you know some people are very moon faced and i mean this in a nice way. I always picture her with a rocket crashed into the right-hand temple. And if I dated... That's a nice way, yeah. If I dated Katie, I wouldn't bring it up early. I always thought if I went out with Lisa Marie Presley,

I wouldn't suggest the white jumpsuit for probably the first two weeks. But with Katie... It's good to have a timetable for these things. It'd be the elephant in the room for me, but I just think, you know, don't push, you could ruin everything. You wouldn't wear your Elvis shirt on date one. But how long would you have to wait with Katie Perry before you said, would you mind

just very slowly rising up from behind the sofa? As I sing Morning is Broken. I mean, you know what I mean? Is she going to think it's a bit of a laugh and join in? No, I don't think so. Well, maybe she wouldn't. On that subject, I just want to ask one last question. And this is me just not being finger on the pulse of the whole thing.

I can't imagine that. Let's find out. Let's explore. My finger's on the pulse because I'm anxious. Is Katy Perry... I'm trying to get the money. My finger's on the pulse. Let me put it this way.

She's slightly in eclipse. Oh, you think the descent is right? I heard a rumour that the record deals aren't quite as straightforward as they were for KP. Really? And I wondered

if this is a way of getting on the back of the Taylor Swift bandwagon. Is that cynical of me? Well, I'm just loving your high-level intel here. That is good intel. What do you think? Because I think of her as an enormous star, Katie Perry,

but I just, well, not as much a star as a moon. But I do wonder... This is a publicity stunt, is what you're saying. Do you think, Sarah, you're young? I've got a young person in here. I think it might be a publicity stunt, but in a different way. I i've got a young person in here we use publicity stunt but in a different way i heard that she was going to open a chain of garden centers and the olive branches just sort of put in the idea of saccharins and seeds and planting in everyone's mind that's very good that's what i heard if i was there i'd bring out my own pair

cider because you know yeah you could bring out a bottle of Katy Perry. Lovely. That is a good business plan. You've launched so many on here. It's not my favourite showbiz story this week. What is? Well, I love a bit of Elton. Oh, he's back.

And Elton has been more Elton this week than he's been for a long time. He's gone super Elton. Do you know what? Yeah, turbo Elton. I think there might be a bit of Elton John that is trolling people. Because remember, about two months ago, people were making fun of him

because he did an interview and he kept saying Ed Sheeran or Shyran or something. Yes, Ed Sheeran. But he's still doing it. He went a bit Lion King. He went a bit Lion King in his pronunciation. He's definitely doing it on purpose. Yeah. He did it again. I don't remember. So he's stuck with that, I think. He's stuck doing it. He went a bit Lion King. He went a bit Lion King in his pronunciation. He's definitely doing it on purpose. Yeah.

He did it again. I don't remember. So he stuck with that, I think. He stuck with it. It's like it's entrenched behaviour. Like my dad and Somerset Mathom. Yes. He just wouldn't accept that that was...

Except, to be fair, he didn't say that on a live link-up at the Brits, your dad. No. You know, you think, to my knowledge... No, I don't think he did. I don't want to make assumptions. I think you're right. Sorry to mention the Brits, your dad. No. You know, you think, to my knowledge. No, I don't think he did. Don't want to make assumptions. I think you're right. Sorry to mention the Brits. He probably was just leaning on a lathe when he said it.

I mean, I would watch the Brits if that was on. There isn't enough lathes. Imagine if they had a lathe in one of the... You know, in some contest, there could be a lathe on stage tonight. I wouldn't write that off yeah that's what I love about it so Frank

what did he say I'm trying to recall exactly what he said well I'll tell you what he said one of the things he said which is quite right is people tend to have

a heyday yes we're looking at me for because you're speaking where they're you know they're red hot they're flavour of the month

yeah and it lasts for more than a month if you're lucky. Yeah. And then your fame doesn't disappear, but you're turned down to a simmer. Yes. I would say.

So you don't boil anymore, you simmer. And he said, that happens. Your heyday can never be replaced. Once it's gone, you can't get your heyday again. I like to think that Gary Barlow is in the crowd going, excuse me. Excuse me. I think, hello.

But yeah, but generally, Gary Barlow is a notable exception. I'm told that his family crest now, which he has on everything, is Snakes and Ladders. But apart from that, he's right. You know, people, Katy Perry might find him. We might find it.

Law and physics. Katy Perry doing Room 101 wouldn't be at the question in, say, three years, whereas at the now, you know, too big. You're right. He actually, it was almost like a warning from... Yeah, I don't know why he brought it up. It's like saying we're all going to die, but you're okay, Alton. But, you know.

Oh, no, come on, he didn't just say that. He said you have a hair day and you have a rest and then the hair day can never be replaced. Like, he's very anti-resting, which I'm surprised by because he's always struck me as a power napper, I think. Also, yeah, you wear a lot of leisure wear for someone who doesn't like resting. He's wearing yoga pants and a suit jacket. He thinks, like, what's a white shelter thing?

Are you ready for love? I mean, if you were in the same building as Elton John and he was in a different room, I reckon nine times out of ten you'd guess he's having a lie down. He's just having a nap. OK, what came first, the leisure wear or the rest? He loves the rest. But someone wearing a white shell suit

is not ready for love, surely. Make a bit more effort than that for love. You're not ready for love, are you? I thought you'd have got changed out of that. What do you mean? It's all right. Yeah. He's a big fan

of all that stuff yeah but I think he's trying to be he's a sort of a wise figure in showbiz circles celebrities go to him

to ask about celebrity people and new to him right because he's been famous for a long time he's got a wise owl vibe

yeah he's got a yeah people go to him and they seek wisdom. And a little known fact, his head can revolve at 360 degrees. He can do the full spin. Less known fact. That makes me nervous.

It's been stuck on 180 for the last five years and no-one's noticed. He's just put a pair of glasses on it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan

Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Talking about Elton John. E. John. And he said some other

very strange things about Ed Sheeran. I mean, when I say strange, Ed Sheeran. He said, and I'm not sure whether it would be even possible to say this had been misinterpreted, because it feels, his exact words were It was on video, wasn't it?

He said of The Shape of You and one of his other songs he said, why? He was referring to them still being in the charts in America Why? How many times do you want to listen to these things? Yeah I appreciate I've imposed tone on that I think that has to be in a feud

and the shape of you was about Elton. Is it like the bad... Is it the bad blood? Maybe. Thing. No, because he says, I'm in love with the shape of you. Oh, well, there you go.

He's being nice about it. Elton should take that as a compliment. When I went to Watford the other week... I thought you were going to say WOC again. No, no. I went to Watford. I'm never saying WOC.

I was thinking... It's going to have an episode. I was thinking it doesn't start. On the main stand there at Watford, it says...

It's got... I will tell everyone this is our song. It's got like a big long lyric from our song. Your song? Yeah. Our song. If I was a sculptor.

Our song. Your song's If I Was a Sculptor, isn't it? Yeah. Then again, no. As they say, why bring it up? But yeah, big long lyric across the stand there. I kind of like that. Yeah, he did say...

You'd think the gingers would stick together a bit more, wouldn't you? Well, I think he loves him. Not only that, Elton John chose to be ginger. Did he? Well, he's ginger now, isn't he? Oh, I see your point. I don't think...

What colour was his milk hair, as I like to call it? Was he more mousy? You know, he had milk hair and then his real hair grew. There's a lot of inverted commas. I'd say it was a bit of a... It was dark brown.

What I call a Hampton Court red. Oh, I didn't think it was ginger. I think he's opted for ginger. Well, that's not ginger, it's an auburn. Yeah. So I just think it was dark before. So he's sort of joined the gingers and then he's sort of having a dig at...

Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran. Oh, he's not just had a dig at him musically, though. He also said... One thing I said to him when he went, I said, don't put on weight because he's prone to put on weight like I am. And he came back heavy.

Heavy? He said, and he came back heavy. Ed Sheeran's prone to put on weight. Heavy something. Imagine if Hank said that about me. I would never. Well, I'm not going to say what I did. This is true, what Elton said.

He said it was easier in my day. When I started, there were no paparazzi. Is that true? Oh, yeah. I think it must be easier. I've seen black and white paparazzi pictures of Frank Sinatra in the 40s. Right.

Yeah. Elton John sounds like... Elton John got sketched leaving the nightclub. Courtroom artists. Courtroom artists there in the pastels. Here heclub. Courtroom artist. Courtroom artist there in the pastels. There he is, there he is. Quick, quick, quick. There he goes. Ah, get off you lot. He does suggest that he

was a bit bad. He sort of implies that he's been a bit of a git in his time at various points. Well, maybe this is it. He is a bit of a git. I respect him for that. Yeah. Yeah, I thought you might. I think if you think of him in those terms, some of his comments feel more palatable.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you see? He talks about... There's another thing which stuck in my mind. He said, those years I had in a van going up the M1. I don't like the sound of that. No mention of a return journey. He was a delivery driver. I don't like men talking about vans.

No, and I think he was on about, you know, that he was like a proper band. He wasn't created, which I'm sure is true. I think of him, I don't, I think, if I think of Elton John being transported, I think sedan chair nowadays. Even in a shell suit, Elton just slightly hidden as he sits, like, leans back in a sedan chair.

He must have a sedan chair. Yeah. Any evidence of Elton John travelling in a sedan chair at 12.15? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I talk about my holiday now? Yes. Oh, we're off on the road tomorrow.

We're off on the road tomorrow. If Brian Ferry had done that. I wish we'd had that soundtrack. Yeah. I won't say my holly bobs. Oh, I hate people that say that. Oh, yeah. I've never heard that word before.

Have you not? Never heard hollabobs? No. Going on your hollabobs? I honestly haven't. You must be mixing with the right people. Yeah. I like to think so.

Me. You can present the right stuff, you're so right. So I need to tell you, I had a sort of strange start to it, but I rather liked it. What about if anyone hosted it, but everything on it was very right wing, and that's why it was called the right stuff. Oh yeah. Wouldn't need that much of a policy change.

Sorry, carry on. So, I met what I think was the Marrakesh version of Bit of a Git. Oh, okay. And it's reassuring to know that's an international phenomenon. Oh yes, definitely. Okay, because the gentleman I met, it was just a very simple Oh, okay. And it's reassuring to know that's an international phenomenon. Oh, yes, definitely. Okay, because the gentleman on the... It was just a

very simple, small exchange. So where were we? Because I don't know. We were in Marrakesh. I've never been to Morocco. Oh. Would you like to travel on the Marrakesh Express? Oh. I wish we'd had you with us for the playlist. I realised they're Morocco-based songs. I didn't know that.

A Morocco mole, of course. Secret Squirrel's right-hand, well, same man. Mole. I didn't know he had any Moroccan connections. Secret Squirrel? Yeah, his assistant wears a face, in fact. He's got an assistant? He's got a PA?

Morocco mole. I'm not sure I understand this bit of this chat, but we can just skate past this. So we're in Marrakech. So we're in Marrakesh. So we're in a lovely hotel, and it's one of those hotels where they have golf buggies taking you to your room, and I love a golf buggy. To your room?

Yeah, to your villa. Oh. Oh, wow. Oh, don't. Oh, no. Nice. And we got on the golf buggy, and I felt a bit Trumple Stiltzkin on the golf buggy, and I felt a bit Trumpelstiltskin on the golf buggy.

Yeah, flatulent. No. That's how I picture him. He's in a white trouser on the golf course. But I liked the man who took my baggage for me. Because what he did, he disobeyed the social contract, and I had respect for that. Because, you know, he said,

I'm going to do a French accent, because they speak French there, if everyone's OK with that. Because, you know, he said, I'm going to do a French accent because they speak French, so if everyone's OK with that. This is a French accent. I just want to make absolutely sure everything's all right. OK, and we're off. This is a non-derogatory French accent. You are about to hear.

I like that. Yeah, I think we should do that. Warning. The following anecdote contains a French accent which some mistakenly may feel derogatory. It is not. Can I just carry that round with me as an app? Yeah, off you go. So he said, he had my, loaded my bags onto the golf buggy. And he said, oh, you're from, it's French.

Yeah. He said, you're from England? And I was a bit disappointed. I always hope they'll think I'm Italian or something. So I said, yes, from England. And he said, oh, it goes great. Where from in England? I said, London. He went, oh, no, no, it goes great. Where from in England? I said, London.

He went, oh, no, no, no, London. And that was it. He didn't really speak to me again. And I thought, there was something obviously happened to him there. I don't know what. He didn't like it. But I respected him because people can be quite obsequious. I mean, I thought, no, good on him.

I didn't tip him, obviously, at the end. But usually, that's the only place people have heard of. That's what struck me as odd about it, and I quite liked it. Maybe you'd had an experience there. Oh, yeah. Just imagine if you'd said Bishop Stormford and carried on in testing.

I dated him once. I've been trying to remember that for 36 hours. Merci. I dated him once. I've been trying to remember that for 36 hours. Merci, he would have said. I don't Google. I don't Google. Only if I don't. Sans knowledge. Thank you, Pierre.

You may go now. Merci, madame. Tell me, is there a croc, mademoiselle? Anyway, that was him. That was Ralph. Was he called Ralph? Pierre. I can't remember his name.

I am going to tell you about the row I had in the restaurant. Would you like to hear about that, boys and girls? Excellent teaser. Hold that thought. Skinner, boys and girls? Hold, hold that thought. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. The producer's got a

drinking liquid out of a pint glass. I just noticed her take a swig and I was momentarily alarmed. Anything other than beer out of a pint glass always looks a bit her take a swig and I was momentarily alarmed. Anything other than beer out of a pint glass always looks a bit strange, don't you think? That's quite student-y. I quite like it. Yeah, when they've just got one glass.

Yeah, they've got one glass. A fondue set and a pint glass. And a what? Sorry, Al. I think quiche is a bit 80s. Oh, a bit? We've actually had an update on fondue just arrived. Hi, I recently moved back to the UK after living in Switzerland

for 12 years. Ah, Frank! I can confirm that Frank is not making it up about the steamboat. The dish is still very popular in Switzerland where they call it fondue chinoise. It involves a boiling pot of stock in the middle of the table into which you dunk and cook thin slices of meat.

The raw chicken element is an invitation to salmonella, but I can confirm the dish is a real thing and very tasty. An invitation to salmonella. Yes. Something you don't get every day. Is that gold embossed? The Deb's coming out party. Good info. Salmonella welcomes you to didn't you tease that you were

in a restaurant or something yes is that what you said but i hasten to add there was none of that going on oh no salmonella i mean all right well but there was quite a bit of beef right if you're getting me i'm'm with you. Bon genion. Lovely. So I'm with my friends and we go into this restaurant and it's a very posh restaurant. I mean, when I say posh, they pull out a special chair

for the ladies present for our handbags. Wow. I like that. I've never seen the like. A handbag? The handbags got their own chair. Excuse me, madame. Again, a French accent. And was it a normal chair? Frank, do you need to give the warning? I am going to do

more French accents here. Okay. The following anecdote includes a non-derogatory French accent, which may be mistaken as a derogatory French accent. It may be mistaken as a derogatory French accent. It is not. Okay.

Very clear. So they pulled out these stools, lovely suede stools. Suede for a handbag. And when I went to put my... Thank you. Someone had to do it. I was waiting for you because it's your thing on here. I know.

Is it? Yeah. Who would have thought? Yeah. I had it in my clasp. They pull out the chair and you place it. They go, Madame, please. It's absolutely terrible.

There it goes. And it's the sort of restaurant, again, it's very, there are lots of fountains. There's lovely fountains are lots of fountains. There's lovely fountains, mosaic fountains. May I dig your madame? May I dig your pashmina? No, because it's not 1992, but thank you. Quiche?

No, no quiche. Pigeon pie, though. That pigeon pie? Might have to give a warning about that. Pigeon pie? Yeah, pigeon pie, pastilla they serve over there. Oh, OK. OK, they're gaff, they're rules. Yeah. So, you know, all was going well until a family came in.

So Jonathan Ross, who I was dining with, we had a feeling about this man. We didn't like the look of the head of the family. He just looked a bit cigar smoker of the year Moroccan edition. He sat down, he had his wife with him

and a kid. First thing he does is light up a cigarette. Oh. Can you still do that in Morocco? Well, I didn't know. He was the first person

I saw doing it. But I thought, well, okay. You know, again, they're gaff, they're rules. Yeah. Then he starts talking

very loudly on the phone. He starts ringing, it's a party for seal, it's a... Screaming at starts ringing screaming at someone i don't like this yeah then the child gets out an ipad and starts playing a game and it's the loudest screechiest noise we've i've ever heard in my entire life it was it was unbearable okay so we we dealt with it and what i thought was the best way which was we made a lot of passive-aggressive remarks right yeah i said oh god doesn't work with us people no well jonathan said jonathan ross said unbelievable very loudly okay i mean a sensitivity chip was missing it's when that's when you need a

telescopic fondue fork yes so jonathan decided to take matters into his own hands right he decided to say something he was polite uh he leant across he said excuse me you know this is disturbing our meal a bit um i wonder if you would mind turning this down, that specifically the, you know, the iPad is very loud, the game your child is playing. And the woman said, this is not loud. I don't know what sort of restaurants you are used to. I mean, look at each other.

As if to say, what, where people don't smoke, take phone calls and play loud Game Boys. It was extraordinary. So we were sort of stunned into silence by this. But they weren't. But not for long. So we left it again. Then Jonathan went back.

He said, I'm really sorry. This is very loud and it is quite rude. And the gentleman turned around to Jonathan and said, you are rude, talking to us in English and not French. Oh. Then it all kicked off. Oh, yeah. Those waiters were hovering around,

other diners were getting very nervous about it. Does Jonathan know any good swearing in French? Was it a big row then, a big verbal row? Well, I'll tell you what I did. I then laughed. Me and one of my friends, we decided to laugh, but with a slightly French accent, in a contemptuous way. We went, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. That would have helped a lot. Yeah, we did decide to leave eventually because things got... I mean, we'd sort of finished our meal. Yeah. And eventually we got up and we... And Jonathan said, I think we should go. So we went to leave eventually because things got, I mean, we'd sort of finished our meal. Yeah. And eventually we got up and Jonathan said, I think we should go.

So we went to leave. And as we walked out, I heard the man say, oh dear, they are leaving. So sad. Wow. Wow. I said, I don't know why I said this. I thought, I tried to come up with a zinger

and my mind went blank. So I went, thank you very much why I said this. I thought, I tried to come up with a zinger and my mind went blank. So I went, thank you very much, sir. What was that? I like it. What was that? It's quite polite. And then as we walked through the restaurant, and we were feeling we'd done the dignified thing leaving,

it was only when we got to the end and we got to the exit that we heard the noise coming from the speakers of the restaurant and it was actually moroccan music that was being piped through and it wasn't the child's ipad making that noise oh dear so we did we thought should we go back and apologize oh no don't do that jonathan said no they were horrible anyway that's a good point oh that's fine that's quite bad That's a good point. So it's fine. Oh, that's quite bad.

Oh, so it wasn't loud. She was right, the old... The woman who said, I don't know what sort of restaurants you go to is right. Well, she doesn't know that. She'd been a bit more respectful. No, this is true. But, you know, I just think... Immerse yourself in local culture

before making judgements about who sounds. It's made me feel a bit tense. Oh, I'm still in distress. The poison's still in my system. Yeah, I might have to relax during this bit. OK. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I didn't have a great experience of this child in the restaurant, although I say that. It turns out they were completely... Innocent. Yeah, innocent. No one is innocent.

That was the title of the Ronnie Biggs... You know, Sex Pistols' feat, Ronnie Biggs. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. I thought you were just quoting from... I was quoting from Ronnie Biggs. I thought you were quoting, yeah. I thought you were just quoting from... I was quoting. I was quoting from Ronnie Biggs. I thought you were quoting from one of the books that you quote from a lot. No. There's been quite a lot of restaurant-related brouhaha's in the news.

In the old... In the news, there was a... What's a brouhaha? There was a TripAdvisor review debacle in Manchester this week. Some woman and the rest of her party went to a restaurant, ordered a £120 bottle of wine, which I didn't know you could get that in Manchester. Can I ask, as someone who hasn't drunk for some 30 years, is that a lot of money for her?

Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't say it was the going rate. I just don't, I have no idea what a bottle of wine costs. Oh, really? Well, it could be £10, it could be £100. Yeah. No, is that what Frank thinks? Yeah.

Okay. I think if you're eating out, you'd expect it to be... £20? More like, yeah, £10 to £20. I don't know. I don't... But £120 is a lot a lot. But then they wanted to put lemonade in it.

And the restaurant said, oh, we've only got cloudy lemonade, which is a weird choice for them to only have cloudy lemonade. Is cloudy lemonade fizzy? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Well, then you'd still get your spritzer. Exactly. It's not a spritzer. Red wine

and lemonade. That's what they Exactly. It's not a spritzer. Red wine and lemonade. That's what they wanted. It's not anything. They wanted a version of a spritzer. What kind of it? I suppose a sangria vibe. What they wanted was a wine shandy. Yes.

A wine top. A wine top, yeah. I'll have a wine top, mate. Yeah. And then what happened was... I missed the drinks of yesteryear. Do people still ask for a lager top? I think they do, especially when the sun's out.

What about a snake bite? Does that still happen? Remember snake bite, Frank? Yeah, I'll say. Were you a fan back in the day? Was that lager and cider? I believe so, yeah. I had a brief relationship with a woman

who used to drink Tia Maria and cider. Ooh. Yeah. When you say relationship, was it more than one Maria and cider. Ooh. Yeah. When you say relationship, was it more than one night? No. Okay. Okay.

Well, there was some morning, a little bit of morning down in there. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Roman Pep. Do people still have that? Don't know about Roman Pep.

Love that double act. Roman Pep, Roman Black. Oh that? Don't know about Rom and Pep. Rom and Pep, Rom and Black. Oh, man. Barley wine? We're just going to list drinks. I'd like to know, would you still go... This is memory lane for you. Would you go and have a pint of Marl,

drinking it off by Dan and topping it up with a barley wine? Is that something you'd do? I... No. OK, not me. I never have done that, that you've just described. You don't have to ask me that question, surely. But you still see barley wine, oh God. You still see barley wine in pubs, do you?

No. Have you, let's ask the drinks correspondent. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. Never heard of barley wine. Barley wine's gone. How do people get very, very, very drunk quickly nowadays? Don't ask that.

8, 12, 15. No, I don't want to know that. It'd be awful. Imagine the terrible people that'll reply. I'm still telling this wine story about this brouhaha. Someone messaged about it. In Manchester, yeah. So they ordered, you know, various drinks, this group,

120-pound bottle of red wine, and then one of their group, it says in their TripAdvisor complaint review, pound bottle of red wine and then one of their group it says in their uh in their trip advisor complaint review which is entitled no customer skills all capitals um uh we arrived um our friend likes lemonade with his wine weirdo and uh and this restaurant only stocks bottles of cloudy lemonade we asked could they go and get some or could we? The shop was two minutes away. There was no movement on this at all. So for the sake of a one pound bottle of lemonade and

putting yourself out, the restaurant let us walk away. So she put up a complainy TripAdvisor thing. Then the restaurant Mr Usher, he comes back and says... Usher got involved? He's the owner of the restaurant, I think.

We often nip out for people's requests. It's part of great hospitality. We just don't do it if you're a rude person. We don't do it if you're rude. That last bit was some asterisks involved. 99% of our guests are lovely, and over the years, lots of them have become friends. I'm amazed at the amount of people

that insinuate paying customers are entitled to say and act as they wish in a restaurant I love this guy love love love him

in fact I'm going to go and dine at his restaurant because he's got this attitude one of the problems with the ability to complain

about everything is that people do it and they might be fools what if the people that are writing reviews of places saying they're terrible are fools?

Well, that doesn't seem very likely. Well, alright, what about the two people that were absolutely smashed? What about the two people that were absolutely smashed at my tour show in Barnsley? The rest of the crowd turned on them, they got chucked out and then went home and complained

that I had taken the audience's side against them. Oh. Like 200 strangers turned on them, and they're like, no, Alan didn't even find out if we were obnoxious or not. So this story's not really about the restaurant in Manchester at all. No, it is. It is.

We're talking about this over here, but we're talking about something over there, is what we're on about. We're on about a wild here, but we're talking about something over there is what we're on about. We're on about a wild night in Barnsley. What I'm saying is sometimes very great fools have got a voice now. You're quite right. I was in a...

It's really the me of first off. Yeah. I was in a French restaurant once in Greenwich and I ordered... I thought I've never tried snails. Sorry? Sorry to hear that. Yeah.

I tried... I've never tried snails. I? Sorry to hear that. I've never tried snails. I'm in a French restaurant. I think it's the first I've ever been in a French restaurant. I really hope the punchline is that they took ages to arrive. Oh, we found it were. No, the punchline is I said, and can I have chips with them,

please? Oh. And then I could hear a bit of a kerfuffle offstage, as it were. In the wings, as my parents would have said. And then the chef, a man in a chef's hat brought out the snails and the chips, banged them down on my table and said, let's cargo anglais.

And then went back to the kitchen. Wow. You monster. Yes. These chefs, they're all on the drugs. He was probably furious that you were drinking red wine with lemonade in it.

Next time I saw him, he was in black Crocs and Czech trousers standing next to a bin smoking. Having a cigarette, I was going to say, yeah. See, that's what brings down their image as the great chef. They're always outside smoking by the bins in black Crocs. Lovely Harlequin trousers, though. Love a Harlequin cake?

So look, um... Oh, Harlequin cake, love... Please, we've got to get off here. I've got all the songs to do. That's been overindulgent of you, that's me. Where've you been, baby? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now we're going to get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday fromner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.