The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - (faux) leather Christmas hat

Episode Date: November 15, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is back with Emily and Alun in the studio this week and he unveils his first Christmas present of the year. The team discuss Bono's rear door mishap, Kim Kardashian's bid to 'break the internet' and ask the readers where they keep their eggs?

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. You can text the show, why don't you, on 8 12 15. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Ran out of moisture. Spittle. Yeah, terrible moment. That must have sounded awful.

Would you like to hear an example of some of the contributions you could make? Yes. Hands of children in need. But this is from Paul Blackmore, who's tweeted us. And he's enclosed a review. He's enclosed? Yes, he's enclosed currently. Now, there's a review. He's enclosed? Yes. He's enclosed currently.

Now, there's a review of your show. Would you like to hear it? Oh, oh. I don't do reviews. Well, I do, so bad luck. Thanks, Skinner. The godfather of modern, smutty stand-up, comma, left, comma, nice picture, is older, wiser, and still as sharp as ever.

Oh, it ended okay. Don't you think? Yeah, I still feel a bit soiled. How do you think we feel after the last 20 years? No. I don't know if this will counterbalance it in some way, but we've had an email titled, Free lions on my cornflakes packet.

Hey? Free Lions. Hi Frank and team. Just wanted to say thanks to Frank for his tremendous performance reading CBeebies bedtime stories last week. He was friendly and charming, happily answering my inane questions as I just

about managed to keep my genuine super fan status under wraps. And as I'd suggested him as a reader in the first place, many thanks for ensuring my professional integrity remains intact. Have a well earned humbug. Matt, what is that all about? Well,

this week I went and recorded some bedtime stories for C.P.B.S. But these haven't gone out yet, have they? They haven't gone out yet. Oh no. I thought I'd missed them. How are the stories? Well, they were very good. I have to introduce them by saying stuff like,

Hello, I'm Frank. Excellent. Yeah, a bit like that. And then you don't just read the story. You say, I've got a story for you today that will show what a lovely thing a birthday present can be. Yeah.

So it's all stuff like that. I think you should start the show like that. I think it may be all right. You know, I've been looking for a new ending for the show. Yes. The way you end these is you do the story and then you say, so, you see, a bucket can be a lovely present. Anyway, I think you lot should be getting off to bed.

Maybe I could do something that. Slightly weird at 11 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday. A lot of our listeners should be getting off to bed. Yeah, bear in mind, we have a lot of people with terrible drink problems listening to this show. Who I imagine do get up and then go back to bed, and then get up again and go back to bed again. That's certainly my MO. Can't think why that's your demographic, Frank.

No, I can't either. I've tried not to drag them in. But no, it was very, very enjoyable work. Yeah, it was. Because I've been rehearsing accidentally with my own child. What other stories then? There's a lion in my cornflakes.

I'm sorry to hear that. Hector and the Big Bad Knight. We've all had them. Don I'm sorry to hear that. Hector and the Big Bad Knight. Nice. We've all had them. Don't like the sound of that. And then there was Russell the Sheep. We've all done that. And what was the... Well, no one cares what they were.

But anyway, they were lovely. The children will care. The last one, what was it? The First Testament, wasn't it? It was a really long one that you did that night. Just the whole of the First Testament. It's the First Testament. It's what an atheist tries to do on Bible day.

That's not what they call it. The First Testament. What's it called then? It's called the Old Testament. Oh, that's right, yeah, yeah. Same difference, isn't it? Just mind your own business. Can I say, anyone

who endeavours to keep the word old out of this studio, yes, respectfully. Actually, speaking of my son, he said something this week which made me think I could use as an ending for the show. I spoke to him on the phone from a dressing room. You know when

a mum puts a child on the phone and after about 30 seconds he said, I want to him on the phone from a dressing room. You know when a mum puts a child on the phone? Oh, yeah. And after about 30 seconds, he said, I want to say goodbye now. That might be a good ending for the show. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Guess what happened to me this week?

First one of the year. What? It wasn't a laugh. Alcoholic drink. It was a laugh. Alcoholic drink, yeah. It was... First one of the year in my eye.

Oh, God, I wonder where that was going. I got my first Christmas present. Oh, lovely. What was it? Well, it was actually from... Hold on, it's from one of our readers. No. I like the sound effects, right? There's a letter being opened.

Yeah. This is Radio 4P. They say drama. David, what is that? There was a letter from, let me read it to you. So it's from... Let me read it to you. So it's from... Can't stop him acting since the Doctor Who. He loves it.

He loves the sound effect. It's in my blood now. It is. So I've got... It's from Chris240 and Joe529. It's from two of our listeners. And I'm going to do one of those rarest of all things,

a reveal on radio. Oh, go on then. So you'll have to paint a word picture for the guys. Oh, excellent. Frank has removed from his bag and placed upon his head a leather Christmas hat.

Yes. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Can you not? Emily, he's attacked Frank's gift. I don't need to narrate any more. You don't need to narrate the vocal bits. I'm utterly speechless. Oh, lovely.

I think it looks lovely. No, it's not lovely. I said I think I look good in a Christmas hat, but I find them a bit flimsy. Yes. And I said what I'd like to do is get a... It's hard to keep them around the whole year round. I find they come apart at the seam very often.

And I said what I'd like is a leather one. You know, it's a bit... It's durable. And then... Didn't you request gold? It is gold. It is gold. It's mustardy. That's not gold. What is gold, isn't it? It is gold. It's mustardy.

That's not gold. What is it? Is it mustard? It's yellow. He looks ridiculous. Yellow gold. He's got a yellow leather hat on. That's all right.

I can see that. That's not all right, Frank. But compared to a conventional Christmas hat, it looks sturdy. It's a hardy perennial of the Christmas hat world. That's my point. I'll be able to wear it at Easter when, of course, it will represent the crown of thorns. Yeah, it's my point. I'll be able to wear it at Easter, when, of course, it will represent the crown of thorns. Yeah, it's very flexible. Can I ask you a serious question?

Do you think that suits you? Yeah. Genuinely? Yeah, I do. You genuinely think you look nice in that? Don't you think I look... I think you should wear it all the time. I think if you two held me upside down,

I could make pastry shapes with my head. Yeah. Frank. Shall we do that? Please don't wear that. People have said this show should go more cookie cutter, haven't they? But that's...

Have they said that? No. Not at all. Can I give you one piece of star advice? If you are going to persist in wearing it, there's a giant seam down the centre. Yes. Go off centre with the seam. Yeah.

Where is it at the moment? Put that at the back of your head. Let me readjust. I'll have to take my headphones off. Frank is now readjusting. I'm readjusting. The seam has now gone to the back. Brilliant. Seamlessly done. There you go. I'm wearing headphones with it as well. I think it's lovely

and I'd like to thank Chris and Joe. They say please find enclosed said leather faux faux in brackets faux leather Christmas hat. I think they mean faux leather instead of faux Christmas. I think it's definitely

faux leather, yes. He says I hope the circumference is sufficient because I did point out that I've got a big head and often people aim low. It's actually a good In fairness, it looks quite snug.'ve got a big head, and often people aim low. So, actually, it's a good... In fairness, it looks quite snug. It is a good fit. It's not too tight. Lovely.

He says, I took the dimensions from the cranium of Henry Hoover. Excellent. He says in brackets, other vacuum cleaners are available. Please tweet a picture wearing the leather Christmas hat. It would be great to see. So, we'll do that. Oh, we're all over the social media. Oh, we're not going. So we'll do that. Oh, we're all over the social media. Oh, we're not going to keep this one to ourselves.

You know me, I miss the social media. Aren't you? Yeah, it's hyphenated in case you want to send me a Christmas card. And now with the Christmas hat and the headphones on, you do look a bit like sort of human buckaroo. There's a lot of stuff balanced on you today. Yeah. Human buckaroos.

I'll tell you what, you look astonishing. Thank you very much. I think you're warming to it. Now that, it was the same, wasn't it? That was what was putting you off. You'd have been hopeless in the mining industry. Absolute, absolute

radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, there's been some reaction to your crown. Oh, yeah? Popular? Well, make of this what you will. We have someone called Arundel Spy who says King Rollo springs to mind. Oh, yes, King Rollo. Forgot about him. Mike Finlay says Frank's head now looks a bit like a broken pencil.

Yes, I can about him. Mike Finley says, Frank's head now looks a bit like a broken pencil. Yes, I can see that. Brian says, The style is perfect, just not your colour. And Paul Banks says... Goes with my teeth. Someone else has said that, but I chose not to share that with you. Paul Banks has said,

Burger King promotion, Frank. The world of Leather Burger King Co-Pro. I wonder if World of Leather do Christmas hats. I don't know, but if they did, they'd look a lot like that. That's this week's phony.

Mrs Foe, remember, no animals were killed in the making of this hat. Yes, exactly. Let's all celebrate that. Thank heavens for that. Yeah. So I watched... I was on Jonathan Ross this week. Oh, I watched it.

See, the truth's come out now. Oh, did you? He watched it. Oh, I watched it, yeah. I watched it. I did that on Saturday and then on the Monday I was on The One Show because I'm selling stuff, you know?

Yeah. Got units to shift. Yeah. And it was, I've got eunuchs to shift actually. I'm actually doing a eunuch hire service. Because there's a lot of mistrust now in relationships and I find a eunuch just makes things easier. Absolutely.

So I do a eunuch au pairs. Yeah. Well they're more sans pairs. But I love that joke. There isn't enough French comedy on this show. Yeah, I realised in retrospective that on the two shows, I managed to name-check Gracie Fields and Petula Clark. On each of them?

Well, no, one on each. I think maybe I need to upgrade. Change the references? I need to go more menage. I liked it when you mentioned Gracie Phil. Yes, but I don't know if most people know who she is, or Petula Clark, for that matter. Sad to say. But you know what the youth's like now.

They don't care about the past. I thought you were very good on Jonathan Roth's show. Thank you, but let's not lapse into praise Oh no, there's no danger of me doing that I like it when you're on a high rating terrestrial show Because I get some of the attention by proxy Because they know you don't tweet, you see So they tweet me

Well, I'm sorry to use you as some sort of agency Well, yeah I'll tell you what, one of the difficult things about Jonathan's show is that sitting in the green room thing. You know they cut to the guests. Yeah. So you really feel... You're compelled to look like you're having a good time.

Well, it's not so much that you're not having a good time, but you know when you're watching the telly at home, you're probably not visibly responding to how much you're enjoying it. Do you know what I mean? You're just sitting there and probably your face is at rest. You probably look awful at home.

Especially if you've got a bitchy resting face like me. But you know, even like Goggle is well... Yeah. Come to think of it, I hadn't thought of that. I don't know, how do I describe my resting face? One never sees one's own resting face. I'd say you've got humble resting face. Humble, that's good.

Alan Corcoran. Hard to carry off humble whilst wearing a crown, mind you. But you're doing it, you're doing it well. Well, I'm more sort of Edward the Confessor. That kind of king. Benevolent despot. That's what I'm after. So look, I'm after in this hat.

Yeah, so caring monarch. This is my caring monarch hat. I like it. So you find yourself watching it but being aware of yourself at the same time, which is very odd. It's quite hard work there.

It's like, you know when you get football fans and their team has been relegated and they are aware of the cameras are going to be on them so they start looking really sad and maybe crying a bit. And actually, you know, they are upset, but they don't really feel like crying. But they do, they put that on a bit for the cameras. Yeah, I think that's fair to say.

Lily Allen got criticised for turning her back to you. Yeah, well, she did turn her back to me, but she then turned round after about a minute and a half and said, oh, God, sorry, I've really got my back to you, sorry about that. Oh, good, we'll let her off then. Yeah, so, yeah, it's OK. I did think that a bit at first,

but then I did think about 20 seconds, thinking, well, great back. I really like women's backs, and I've seen a lot of them over the years. No, I mean I've been left a lot. That's what I meant. See how that could be misconstrued. I was watching the West Brom game at the weekend on the telly, and there's a guy, when they had the remembrance minute silence,

he just held up this scarf, you know, baggies, stood there really solemn. It was quite a sort of dramatic moment. The cameras were straight in there. And then his son was really excitedly shaking his arm and pointing at the fact they were on the big screen. And the dad's going, oh, leave it, leave it. Completely ruined the drama of it.

And that's what I love about people. They're so real. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you one thing about doing The One Show. I got quite a lot of fluff off of Podsy. Did you?

When did you do the one show then? It's Malton. When did I do it? Monday. But they'd dressed the sofas in Podsy's pelt. I don't think it was actually the skin of him. But it's highly flammable.

Is it? No, they must have given it some kind of treatment. I imagine I can't believe podsy is flammable. I mean that could drag the whole thing down if he went up in flames. I just thought he was onesie fabric. And I know

to my own cost that that's highly flammable. It'd be interesting to know that though. Whether it is podsy flammable. That's our own answer. 8, that, though. Whether it... Is Podsy flammable? That's our own... That's our text in. 8, 12, 15. Well, I met Podsy last Friday.

How was he? I haven't seen him in a while. I saw him yesterday in a motorway services. Didn't even speak. Oh. That's so showbiz, isn't it? Isn't it? Short memories

In show business I hate people like that That's the other eye's gone They're keeping it quiet Completely just popped a monocle over it Couldn't they They meet you on a night out Next time they see you it's like they never met you

Who is he James Corden Yeah so Yeah that was strange. The reason I met him on the previous Friday is I did a gig in Cheltenham, and they asked me, you know they're doing this thing, the Rickshaw Challenge, on the one show.

Are you aware of the Rickshaw Challenge? I'm not aware of much of the one show. Well, it is, Rick Shaw is a martial arts expert. Is he? Yeah, so for Children in Need, he fights sometimes as many as 17, 18 children at a time. Right. He's telling one of his lies.

In unarmed combat. And people bet on it, and then 10% of all their stakes go to Children in Need. That sounds excellent. Yeah, obviously. I mean, he's quite... Can I get this on YouTube during the next song? Yes. Sounds good. I mean, he's quite... Can I get this on YouTube during the next song? Oh, yeah, love, yes.

Sounds good. I've got the link here somewhere. No, he... The Rickshaw Channel, they have to take a rickshaw from... Oh, they ride it around, do they? From Salford to Walford. Ah, yes, I do know of that. So one of these guys came in and he's...

He's a nice chap called Alex and he's... They're all called that on the one show. Yeah, and he's... You know and he's had quite a hard life. And he came on and he had to do a speech in front of the crowd. And he did very well and he got massive cheers and loads of people gave money, which was great. And then when I went on The One Show, they showed the film of it. And then Matt Baker said to the kid,

he said, what did you think of Frank's show? And he said, it's quite funny, but it's not my kind of comedy. Oh. Oh, OK. So, you know, that's the do-gooding finish for me. I don't know how Geldof and Bono cope with it all the time. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had a text in.

As people know, they can text on 8-12-15. Good work. This is from Joe529. Don't know if that name rings a bell for you. Is that my milliner? It's one of your milliners. One of your many milliners. Oh, Kate Middleton over there.

It's Joe529. My yellow leather hat. May I say what a joy to hear the hat revealed live. Also, coming to see you at Sheffield, Frank, this month. Maybe wear the hat on stage to help boost interest in our festive leather business. Maybe don't. Oh, whoa, whoa, hold on. Festive leather business?

I believe the leather Christmas hat was my idea, was it not? Based on the fact that the Christmas hat is something I look good in, isn't it? Is this a case of I'm having that? I think it might be, yeah. I'm having hat. Yeah. Oh, no, the whole thing now has been marred in some way. It's been Andrew Marr. Oh, no, the whole thing now has been marred in some way. It's been Andrew Marr'd.

Oh, dear. I made the point last night in Margate that if Andrew Marr was involved in a terrible scandal... LAUGHTER ..it would be called Margate. Very good. Quality local. How did that go for you? Oh, they absolutely...

They rose out of their seats and many of them sat down again. The rest just kept going, didn't they? Just left. After they genuinely flexed it. I'm doing a couple of wordplay about where I live. Yeah, exactly. So you've been everywhere. Jonathan Ross, one show.

Oh, it's been... Oh, and I did some absolute work. Oh, lovely. What was that? It was a Q&A in a nice hotel. I don't like anything with Q in it. Yes. Nice hotel. Well, it was, yeah, and it was Jeff Lloyd.

Yes, I love Jeff Lloyd. Absolute Radio's Jeff Lloyd interviewed Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio. That was a that was a a Friday a Friday in slip. And now he

interviewed me and Planet Rock's Al Murray. Oh, the landlord. Yeah. He interviewed

everybody loves the landlord. Cockneys, ladies and gentlemen. Good. I think his act has changed since I last saw him. Cockney singing has a sort of Doppler effect to it. You know the Doppler effect when a siren just blasts? That sort of warble. Yes.

It's the Cockney effect. Imagine if I did this about Birmingham's, you would go crazy. Well, the thing is, you see, it's like you can take the mickey out of the Americans, but you can't take the mickey out of the Lithuanians. Let's not go there. Yeah, but do you know what I mean? Because there is no one mightier, is there, than the

Cockneys in this country. Yeah. As a regional... I love the fact that Emily got defensive on behalf of Cockneys. It's like, you know... This is our manner. Right. Speak on behalf of all Cockneys.

I love Cockneys. I don't. I think they've encouraged people to eat more fruit over the years. Otherwise, scurvy would be rife in this country. Anyway, your interview with Geoff, I was recently interviewed. Thanks for all the cab rides. Indeed. I was recently interviewed by Jeff. How did it go? It was good fun. Nice.

It was, yeah, were you interviewed on the... I was on his little programme, yeah. By the way, I read an interview with you recently. Did you? In which you picked your favourite comedians, and everyone was American. Yes. Really? I thought that is... I hate that. Well, you hate that because you weren't in it.

You might as well have been interviewed and said, British comedy, it's rubbish. No, there was partly a method to my madness there. Was there? Was there?

If I put one Brit in, then I'm going to end up with people like you texting saying, oh, so you didn't pick me? Like, my mates, look at this. It wasn't a personal thing.

I was defending a whole nation's tradition. Can I be honest? Next time, just pick him. Actually,, look at this. It wasn't a personal thing, I was defending a whole nation's tradition. Can I be honest, next time, just pick him. He'll save us all so much stress. There's a couple of Canadians

in there. Me specifically. Oh, Canadians, he's gone that far. Oh, Canadians. Norm Macdonald was in there. I just thought it was so boxy.

Have you seen Breaking Bad? America's better. Oh, do you remember that? Do you remember that episode of Se's Better. Do you remember that? Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld? Do you remember that thing in The Simpsons? What is it with you people?

Just move there. Honestly. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Tremendous news. Jermaine has been found. Daisy's partner didn't come home last night. He went missing. It was a bit odd, if I'm going to be honest.

I was being blasé and saying, I'm sure it's fine, but inside I was convinced he was dead. Yes. And I thought, oh, this is good. I was properly worried. Me too. It said a lot I thought, oh, this is good. No, I was really worried. I was, I was properly worried. Me too. I mean, this whole thing. I thought it was, it said a lot about us, how we all dealt with it. I think I was, I was the voice of reassurance. Yeah.

Hmm. Um, you look, you just looked horrified. Ricky laughs Steve and Steve talk. You couldn't ask it at all. I couldn't hide it. I put on a brave face on the radio for you people. Ricky laughs Steve and Steve talk. Yeah. But, um, I, I- Alan tried to be laddy, Frank. I don't think I did. No, you did. You said, did. He's probably gone out for some drinks with the lads. Well, yeah. We've all done it. Brave face.

That was brave face, wasn't it? Oh, thank God he's been found. Dearing me. And obviously a little bit. He's come up with some cock and bull. Found I, grandma's house. I mean, come on. Anyway, we're not here to discuss our personal

life. Oh, so we are. We're here to discuss other people's personal lives. Oh, yes. Well, I love doing that more than most. So, yes, I did a Q&A with Al Murray and Jeff Lloyd. Some interesting questions. Yes. If I'm not mistaken.

I have the list of the questions which I gave to Emily and Alan to see what their response is. I can't say I'm delighted about all of them. OK, what don't you like? Well, let's go straight to question number four. Fantasy sidekick. If death and money were no object,

who would you choose as your co-presenter? That's so rude. Isn't it rude, that? Kim Jong-un. Can I say, first of all, I never use the word sidekick. Can I make that absolutely clear? I see you as co-presenters. What did you say?

I said Christian O'Connell, just to make it absolutely clear what the seniority roles are. Seniority role. But obviously I wouldn't change you two for all the tea in... Where does tea come from? Good question. Isn't it more Sri Lanka? For the tea in Sri Lanka. Sidekick from hell, question number five. Lucifer, I went for.

Did you? Who would you least like to have as your co-presenter? Imagine he said me. Well, Al said me. Did you? Who would you least like to have as your co-presenter? Imagine he said me. Well, you know, Al said me. Did he? But he said it in a slightly tetchy way, which I'm still hurting from. Because he said, well, you, I think,

you know, can't get a word in edgewise. It's all a bit, oh. Oh, no. And he's quite a big man. But we were all right after, I think. But I think, you know, when I'm interviewed, you know, there was a crowd, I got excited. Yeah. Turned it on. And he kept botting

in. Oh, did he now? Yes. I think you'll find that's called talking. Yeah. I think that was his questions as well, looking back. They were asked to both of us. Oh, do you know what I did? I did have an interesting thing happen. They said, where would you most like to do your

outside, an outside broadcast from? Fantasy outside broadcast. Yes, and I... I've seen that film. I was a bit lost on that one, because I've never really... It doesn't seem to matter. And then I thought, Gulliver's Kingdom.

Oh. Do you know Gulliver's Kingdom? I know Gulliver's Travels. Gulliver's Kingdom? I wonder if Gulliver's travels. Gulliver's Kingdom? Have you never passed the road sign? No. No, well, that's all I know about it. Oh. There's a place called that.

So, anyway, I'll fill you in on Gulliver's Kingdom in a moment. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And the good news is Jermaine's back.

Yeah, he's back. It's all good. We found Arch a few weeks ago and now we've found another one. We're like Interpol, this show. Many regards. So, oh yeah, Gulliver's Kingdom. Oh yeah. So I've never been there. I only know it by road sign.

Well, we've had a tweet about it. It's like Billing Aquedra. We had a tweet about it, Frank. Oh, okay. Spent many happy days as a child in gulliver's kingdom there was an ace rocket simulator i imagine it's aged horribly well i haven't been there um but i fancy doing it there because i've all often i always wonder when i drive past whether they're covering the whole of um gulliver's travels Or it's the old traditional Chapter 1. You know, in Chapter 1 he's the big guy.

In Chapter 2 he's the small guy. In Brob Dignag. And then in, I say chapter, and then in the third section it's the humanims and the yahoos. It's about reason and instinct. So I thought, do they cover all three sections

at Gulliver's kingdom? But no. No, they just do the first one, of course, when it's Big Gulliver, which everyone thinks about. So I'm not going. So we're not going to do an OB then? No, I'm not doing that until they have the battle between reason and instinct section. Well, we do that every week for them, I suppose.

Well, exactly. Maybe as men we're doing it every day. Oh, we do that every week for them, I suppose. Well, exactly. Maybe as men, we're doing it every day. Oh, yeah. Sexist? Maybe. But I don't want to talk about it now, alright? I assumed that you meant men as in... You're going to get me into trouble. In a different way, men. I meant men as in

mankind. What about if I get judged now because I didn't speak up? And then they came for me? Yeah, exactly. Oh, I hope they do come for me. Exactly. What about your question? If death and money... Oh, no, we've done that.

You've chosen your co-presenter. You chose, for Absolute Radio, you chose Christian O'Connell. Yeah. Couldn't go wrong. And did you actually answer all this? He brings wicks with him, of course. Did you answer all this? I could do with a plane. What about this question, Frank?

Which comedians aren't doing radio that should be? Well, we didn't get to that, and I was glad. Right. Because I think there's more than enough comedians. There are a lot of comedians. Yeah, and doing radio. And I think, you know, they're squeezing out a lot of people who, you know, have done radio because they can't do anything else.

And that seems unjust to me. So I think there's no more comedians in radio. OK. That's what I think. Good to have a rule. Yeah, exactly. Good to support a cause. I supported the cause once

Did you? Yeah, it was alright I did, you know, I did a bit of A bit of, you know, Irish Singing and stuff As part of my act, just to warm him up How was the brother? He always seems a bit Do you know why? I don't think he spoke to me on the whole tour

No I wouldn't say he was surly, but he was. And I think it's the bitterness of being, hanging around with three women that look like that and knowing they're completely untouchable to you. And then you turn up and he's like, more eye candy. Yeah, and of course they were all over me like a rash. I'll bet.

Especially if you had that yellow leather hat on. No, no, a rash is their other sister. if you had that yellow leather hat on. No, no, Arash is their other sister. It's spelt E-J-L-N-N-E, like so many Irish names. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, you were talking about the cause. Yes. That's not the only Irish supergroup I'd like to discuss this morning. Oh, OK. What about Bono and the missing luggage? Oh, that... It's private, yeah. The door flew off. Yeah, that... That sounds... Is that... See, when I read that, I thought, that's really, really dangerous,

but no-one seems to be worried about... Didn't even put a Mayday call in. No. You'd have to get in pretty quick, though, wouldn't you? They just landed. Just went, oh, well... I know, but you can't put in a Mayday saying there's a trunk on its way down. No, I mean for the plane, like, cos I think once a bit falls off a plane, it must affect its balance in the air, mustn't it?

What about all those Germans waking up with all the slate grey jackets everywhere? All the U2 clothes strewn all over sorry i thought i thought um anton deck had gone down as well slight gray jackets a bit too tight what is that yeah no it's um i imagine that um some part of bono's luggage will come smashing down in the middle of my CD collection. As his album did on my iTunes. Well, people probably just thought that it was a clothes drop that you two were doing. That's right. Because they're in the habit of freebs

these days. Apparently two suitcases flew out, one of them just full of leather trousers and one full of talcum powder. That's it. That's all it was. Yeah, they say it of talcum powder. That's all it was. Yeah, they say it's talcum powder. Where did it drop? Where were we?

They were somewhere over Germany. They were going from Dublin to Berlin, which, can I say, is a very them route. Uh-huh. It is. Dublin to Berlin. Well, you say they, but only Bonner from the band was on it.

The others were flying at a different point. No, but that's... They do that, don't they? It's like the royal family. They have to fly separately because if the whole band went down, that would... What, the edge in Bono is like Joe Biden and Barack Obama?

Yeah, it's true. No. I've heard that before, that you two always fly separately. So if one of them goes down, they can still keep the band going. Because this made me... That's like me and Frank.

I mean, I'm not the biggest environmentalist on earth but this immediately Al Gore I suppose. Al Gore, yeah. Any other offers? Who's the biggest environmentalist? It's gone off the boil a bit hasn't it, environmentalism?

You can't say that! It was massive three years ago and now it's just 14 year old kids doing projects about it in school. You know, you go into every classroom now, there's polar bears all over the wall. Yes. I never believed it anyway. I'm not the biggest environmentalist,

but I was going, hang on, you've got to feel sorry for people that live in a city with, like, a car-sharing lane, like Leeds, where some guy's driving to work, picking up Kevin on his way in that he doesn't want to take, and then he's like, you two are travelling in separate Learjets. Yes. What's the point of me picking Kevin up? Well, it's a good point.

I've got no problem with Kevin but I'm assuming that someone has got a problem with Kevin. Yeah. And they're still giving him a lift. I don't like him advertising those new phones. I mean, how much money do these people... I'm not Kevin Bacon. No, I, um... No, they have to, though.

Or the band. Obviously, if Bono goes down, the band's not going to carry on without Bono, is it? Well, they might make a go of it. Yeah, she might have a little personality. And it's never been allowed to come out, because Bono does dominate. Yeah, you're right. See, he'd be alright. The Edge would be alright if the door

fell off the plane and he had to jump out to safety, because he's always got the beanie on, so he wouldn't lose a lot of his body heat through the head if he had to live wild for a while. How embarrassing, though, all their luggage everywhere. Why fronts on trees? I can't bear that. Oh, why fronts on trees. What a holiday that was. Do you reckon Bono had to just do that thing

of just buying loads of new clothes and duty free? He just called up Ant and Dec, didn't he, Frank? I imagine if Bono's luggage lands in the wrong country, it could trigger an enormous tax bill. You know, if you're not allowed to be there, like, you know, there's places you can only go there for a few days of the year, otherwise I wonder if your luggage triggers that. No, surely not.

But he had an incident the other week, well, he had an incident recently because he admitted he only wears the shades because he's got glaucoma. Yes. Yeah. Not because... I don't believe that.

Okay. Sorry. I think he wears shades because that's what pop stars do. They don't make him a bad person. He does think he's lying about having glaucoma. Well, he might have developed it, but I bet you he was wearing the shades before about having glaucoma. Well, he might have developed it, but I bet you he was wearing the shades before he got glaucoma.

What about if it's a bit chicken and egg? What about if wearing the fly shades has caused glaucoma? Eh? And there's people all over Germany now wearing them this morning. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Bono. We should say what happened is that something like the back door of the plane opened,

part of it fell off. The rear door. All this luggage. In the aviation industry, my friends in the aviation industry would refer to that as the rear door. Why are they so problematic about the back door? What's their problem? Well, you'd better take it up with them. Oh, OK. I thought you corrected it as if there was a big reason. I'm not going to. What am I supposed to do?

Phone up and throw an airport and say, I want to talk to someone about the rear door problem? They'll say, I think you need some barts. Anyway. I know from my own experiences on a private jet that... That's how I don't start any stories. It's a failing. Sometimes, one feels one is taking one's life in one's hands. Right.

Well, that's true most days, surely. No, but I just feel a lot can go wrong. And I understand it is a first. I've only done it once, and I enjoyed it. Okay. On a private jet. Well, I'm sure Bono has done it many, many times. I think it's a bit of a coincidence

that he's been involved in a major news incident the week that Bob Geldof is launching Band-Aid. I mean, obviously, they're massive rivals, as we know. Charity rivals. Yeah, they are. The Care Bears, I call them. It's the ones who can care the most. Yeah.

And they've had this battle. The Battle of the Irish Care Bears has been going on. And many people have benefited from it, don't get me wrong. And then Midger was left out. Yeah, Midger, and he just didn't fit in. Never got the credit. Yes, because I don't know about, I've always felt this, I don't want handouts from someone with a

pointy sideburn. That's a motto I've tried to live by. Good to have a rule. Yeah. Is he Scottish, Midger? Oh, yes. Why do you ask that? It's not Irish. tried to live by. Good to have a rule. Yeah. Is he Scottish, my dear? Oh, yes. Oh. Hmm. Why do you ask that? I was just checking.

It's not Irish. No, it's, um, I don't know, it's a bit of a coincidence, don't you think that? Yeah. Oh, I agree. Oh, yes, I know what they're up to. Anyway, I, let me predict that something will be, by the way, if it landed, say if it landed in my garden. Yeah.

Yeah. Bono's suitcase. Would that be like treasure trove? Is that mine then? I think... Because that would be an eBay. I hope to heaven you don't wear those clothes. It would be an eBay. That would be an eBay explosion.

It would be like finding treasure because you could just sell them all the items. And there might be like, you know, private stuff. Some letters. Letters. Diary? Bonner's diary? Oh, Bonner's diary would be brilliant. Bonner's diary, wouldn't it? There'd be a lot of anger in it.

Monday, be caring. Tuesday, be more caring. Yeah. Yeah. Wednesday, gel'd off on news again. Yes. Thursday, become angry about something that no one's heard about. Friday, get glaucoma.

Yeah. You went a bit northern there. Get glaucoma. Why did I go northern? It sounded like somebody calling for their African servants in an old thing. Get glaucoma. She'll sort this out. I don't know why I did that because I'm the best at accents in an old thing. Get Glaucoma. She'll sort this out.

I don't know why I did that, because I'm the best at accents in this room anyway. What? I'm not getting into accent war. I think if Bonner's luggage did land in your garden, it could be the trigger for a lawsuit, because he does get a bit litigious about stuff. You know, he sued somebody for keeping a hat

and some jeans and a shirt of his. Yes, he did, didn't he? He got litigious about it. So whoever finds that luggage could be in pretty big legal bills. He sued someone for keeping his hat? Yeah, yeah. It's in the public domain. It wasn't a leather Christmas crown.

I haven't been... This is an entrapment. Yes, it is. It's a mustardy colour. Some said gold. Oh, well, hold on a minute. I predict, this is what will happen, is that part of the plane or the luggage will be found by a farmer.

Mm-hm. Whenever anything drops off a plane, it's always found by a farmer. Now, I know they've got more land than we have, but it's a bit of a coincidence. Yeah. I think they're... Well, first of all, I think they're chances, generally. And also,

when I think of the countryside, I think of abandoned vehicles. So I think they've just ripped the door off an old Austin A40 and say, oh, look at this. And then it's on eBay as his private plane.

God, honestly. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. I've been a house guest at Shea Stephen Hall this week. Oh, Stephen Hall. Yeah, Paul in the house. I stayed with him for a couple of nights this week

As you know, I'm in London doing the Soho Theatre I'm coming tonight to see it In fact, we arranged it last week Pretty much on air, didn't we? Are tickets available? Tickets still available, yeah Well, okay Yeah, searing indictment on my career, sadly

I mean, Saturday night is so much choice There is a lot to do, isn't there? There is a lot to do Actually, I'm saying there's tickets still available. I've not checked, but, you know. Nevertheless, as you might say, I've been staying there. He sent me several emails about getting in, because I had to go in when he wasn't there.

So he gave me the keys. Oh, trusty. He sent me about five different emails saying, and when you get in, after you've turned that key, then you turn that one. I was a bit neurotic. He's a warrior. He's a real warrior.

He's had to do the telly, but I felt a bit bad because near enough the first time that I saw him in the house, when we were both in there the first time... He was naked. No. He never misses an opportunity, I find. Like some shaggy song. I mean, I have lived with him before.

I've lived with him at Edinburgh festivals, so I would sort of half expect to see him in his boxer shorts. But that's like holiday romance, isn't it? Indeed. Right, exactly.

And you don't really get to know... You can't get the measure of a man through that. You don't really get to know about another person's actual domestic habits. So something came to the service quite soon.

I said, oh, I bought some eggs and he went, I've got eggs in the fridge. And I went, yeah, but because they were in the fridge I didn't know if they were any good because they're in the fridge. Yeah. And I keep mine out of the fridge, I didn't know if they were any good. Because they're in the fridge. Yeah.

And I keep mine out of the fridge and I didn't want to look at... Do you? Yeah. How do you keep them? In your Downton Abbey larder? We keep our eggs in the bottom of a ceramic hen. You know, there's... Do you?

A la bread? Yeah. Exactly. Oh, okay. So we keep them in there, whereas he keeps them in the fridge. And I just think, oh, they could have been in that fridge for six months for all I know. Whereas if you've got them out... They could have been in the ceramic hen for six months.

Exactly. Yeah, but then you'd... It's a nice pub, aren't they? I've spent many a happy hour in there. You spent six months in there once. Yeah, I did. Anyway, I thought it was a point of compensation. Where do you keep your eggs?

So, you see, for a start-off, what I wouldn't do with my eggs is take them out of the box. Meaning? Because that's where the sell-by date is. Then you don't have to speculate on how long they've been somewhere. Actually, I think they're stamped now, aren't they? I could have just checked his. Are they stamped with their date?

Oh, we don't know. We're 1970s people. No, we have... You know what cats like? We have, like, super organic... They have to have poo on them to be acceptable. Right. The trouble with those is they go off. That could be arranged.

Why do they have poo on them as well? That's not where they... Some people didn't like the show. You can imagine how confused I was as a child. Because my dad used to keep chickens. Anyway, there's always two boxes in our fridge. There's the organic, fabulous organics, which are for Boz. And then the Birmingham ones.

Yeah, there's ornery eggs for me, because the feeling is that my health horse has bolted. So it's not worth me even trying now. I'd just be throwing fuel on the fire. So, yeah. But I need the box. A little shelf. I hate people that put them in the plastic shelf.

I know that shelf with the indentations for eggs. Weirdos. Can I just tell you what he does, though? Well, I'll tell you what he does. He said, oh, well, what we do is we rip off the bit of the box that is when you've got it and we put it in there. So there's just a little... Oh, with the date on?

A little bit of box with the date, yeah. So he's got a system, but I just didn't know the system because he was out when I in there. So there's just a little little bit of box with the date, yeah. So he's got a system but I just didn't know the system because he was out when I got there. So I bought my own eggs and I left him three. I left him three in the box when I went. I bet you on at least three occasions every week they go by the fridge

and that bit of cardboard's on the floor. Oh yeah. And there'll be your leg all over it. And the other thing is anyone that does that sort of stuff, that level of attention to detail, I'm just saying it's a bit helping police with their inquiries. Well, that bit with the indentations in our fridge, I believe there's a hangover mask in there. You know those hangover masks you put in the fridge?

They've got liquid in them, they keep them cold, and then you put them on you. They've got one of those in there. Oh, yeah, well, I've told you. I use champagne and eyeliners. That's what I have in I've got one of those in there. Oh, yeah, well, I've told you. I always have champagne and eyeliners. That's what I have in my fridge. In the fridge? Yeah.

Oh, nice. Those masks, they give you like an ice cream headache without the ice cream. The worst of all possible worlds. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Thank you, by the way, to Kitty Riddle for sending me some lovely sweets. Kitty Riddle's shop. Because, you know, the sweets here are not so nice. Frank got sent some this morning and he shared them with all of us. I know he didn't. It's in the box. Well, I told you about it.

Thanks for that. When you frowned and said the sweets here are not so nice, I just glanced and at the top of your head you have a crown on it. It's very difficult to not find you preposterous at this moment. King for a day. Oh, he did open the sweet box. Did you see that? Showed us the sweets.

That was the cruelty. And said, look at this. This is nice. What, a week? And put them away. After week after week, I've listened to you talking about no carbs, no sugar. And now I don't offer you sweets. I thought I was doing you a favour.

Of course. It's a good point. Of course you can have... Sorry, it's sticking in my throat. David from Bradford has... Oh, I was in Bradford the other night. Lovely. Can I tell you my story in Bradford before we get to David?

Okay. I went into Corrie's in Bradford. Lovely. So he's texted us. Do you know when I went in there? I went in and there was a bit of a kerfuffle that I was in there, as you can imagine. Yeah.

Why, Brady? This was in Little Germany. How did you get recognised? Little Germany in Bradford. Really? Yeah. On Hamstrasse. I don't know that bit of Bradford.

Honestly, I'm not making that up. Were they all wearing U2 outfits? No. And I bought a CD player. No. Old school. £29.99. Oof.

How did you pay? By cheque? By expense. And I said to the woman, I said, I'd like one of these, please. She went, really? A great bit of selling. Brilliant. Why did you buy a CD player, darling?

Because I get sent lots of CDs for this show. And I listen to every CD I get sent. And so it's good to have on the road with me a little CD player. Because they're getting harder and harder to come by. Is it a portable one, then? Laptops don't even have them, do they now? Laptops, no CD player. No, I actually... They had a CD stroke. You had to purchase an external drive.

Yeah. What about this? They had a CD stroke cassette player. No. In there, and the cassette would, you could tape the CDs onto a cassette. Wow. Well, that would be useful for me when I like to do the charts on a Sunday. Yeah, yeah. Encouraging piracy.

That was like 40 quid, I'm not throwing about that kind of money. Stretch to that. Anyway, David in Bradford. Yeah, there's good curries in Bradford, I've heard. That's a thing that people said. Okay, how long's this going to take, this segment? Go on, go on. I went KFC.

David in Bradford has texted us and said, Morning, ceramic hens are where it's at. Brilliant. I love that All Saints song. We have one as well. Perhaps it's an olden thing. I like the fact that today's texting is, where do you keep your eggs? In a ceramic hen or in the fridge?

That's a good commercial radio texting. Well, should they be in the fridge? I don't think so. Somebody else said they don't put them in the fridge in the supermarket, so why would you put them in the fridge at home? Actually, that's a point. That's a good rule.

According to a lot of our punters this morning, they should not be in the fridge. OK. You and I are wrong. In the box, not in the fridge. People keep tomato sauce in the fridge as well. I don't think that's necessary, is it? No, it's not necessary, but I think we do that as well.

Yeah, it's good we're all different, though, isn't it? Steve Hall has full- fat milk. Yummy. Does he? Yeah. He does look like he has full fat milk. Absolutely yummy. And I'll tell you what else he has. Who has full fat milk these days?

This was a low as a guest. Does he have a slimcy of bread? I don't know if I was a good guest, because I... Does he have toffee apples? He did. I am... Does he have toffee apples? Did he? He's had things from the past that I haven't seen for a long time.

What about if his fridge is full of... Like he had a toffee apple section with indentations. You know that weird shape at the end of a toffee apple? Because it's circular. Then you get the flat bit on it. They never came up with a way of just having it completely circular.

Why don't they shave it off? I suppose people use it as a stand. Maybe it's handy. It's a handy stand, isn't it? Always smacked of laziness to me. Like a plinth, isn't it, really? I think it's so you can balance stuff on the top of it when you're eating it. Nice.

I love toffee apples. It's a challenge. Do they still exist, though? Only seasonally. Only for bonfire night. Seasonal? They're only bonfire night, aren't they? Not year-round.

They should be year-round, though. Yeah, let's make them year-round. New rule. I agree. New rule. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Can I just say, Frank, Charlie, who works on this show,

I've just noticed she's doing the scratchies. Whilst we're preparing to go on air, she's doing the scratchies. The scratchy cards. Oh, good, the scratchy cards. Thank God for that. Oh, right. She thought she'd come out in hives or something.

Not only do I not encourage gambling, but I don't like people doing the scratchies. If you're going to do them, can you tick the no publicity box, please? Thank you. I tell you what I always find is you do that, and then after the rolled up bits of silver paint are on your trousers and on the stuff, you know the stuff you have to scratch up?

Yeah. They should have a small like a little net on the bottom of them for catching that. Do you ever do the lottery, Frank? Well, what's the point? That seems wrong, me doing it. And other ways to endear yourself to people. No, do you know what I mean?

It's like if I went to a soup kitchen, people would think, it's not for you. So, uh, that's what it is, basically. It's a deluxe soup kitchen, the lottery. Anyway, I'm not saying don't do it, by any means. I'm just saying I do worry about, you know, people suddenly getting a massive amount of money. I'm not saying don't do it.

I'm saying maybe find something you like and work hard at it instead of doing the scratchies. Yeah, but what about Rogan Dosh? Do you remember him? No. The second bloke to win it was an Indian bloke. And the tabloids nicknamed him Rogue. His name wasn't given out,

but they just said he was an Indian man from Blarber. So they called him Rogan Dosh. And he was also known as Vindaloot. Excellent puns, mind you. Yes, borderline, but excellent. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We were talking about me staying at a friend of the show, Steve Hall's. I haven't finished yet. I'm not sure I'm a good house guest.

I think I was. I left some chicken bones in the bin. That's fine, isn't it? I think so, yeah. That's all right. And I left half a pot of some chicken bones in the bin. That's fine, isn't it? I think so, yeah. That's all right. And I left half a pot of beetroot salad in the fridge. Well, that's a benefit to them, surely. Yeah, exactly. I said, you know, you can have that. Yeah.

Bottle of wine to say thank you. I get a hamper normally. But I did... Do you? A hamper? Well, I had done a hamper in the past, but I was saying... That would be more than a travel lodge. I may as well have not stayed there. What are you talking about? I did order a hamper for the Rosses,

but I had stayed there for two months. Oh, see, that would even out as less than a travel lodge. Wouldn't you expect minimum hamper after a two-month stay? Well, if I stay anywhere recently, I'll probably give them a nice selection of sweets box from Kitty Riddles. But I did steal. What I usually do, I usually put a pound piece

in each of the egg indentations in the fridge. Nice. Do you know what I do do? I strip the beds. Do you? I'm immaculate. Oh, I didn't do that. I leave a little spritz of perfume

as well as a calling card. You're kidding me. They always think of me then when they go in that room. I did not do that. No, I wouldn't strip the beds. You don't know what you're going to find on people's mattresses.

Have you ever seen an unstained mattress? I don't think I ever have. And I've stayed in some fine homes. I, uh, I did steal whilst there. I, uh, I did a little bit of I did a little bit of low level petty theft, I'll be honest with you.

You stole from Steve Hall? I did in a way, yeah, in a way. I mean, I'd be interested to know on the moral maze on this. What did you steal? I was having a shower on the morning of the second day there and I spotted just on the plinth, the bath, I thought, Johnson's baby shampoo. Johnson's baby shampoo. I thought, I'm having that, that's going on the hair and the beard. So two days in a row, I stole from the baby that's very young. I mean, it's young to be a victim. Oh, it's actually the baby's baby shampoo. Young to be a victim of crime, isn't it, from me. Is that bad? Because I've been meaning

to get some soft. You're quite young to need shampoo. I suppose so, yeah. Yeah, but it's quite her suit, Steve. Unless it is Steve's. Unless he's using the baby shampoo. Does the baby have some? Steve doesn't the baby shampoo. Does the baby have... Steve doesn't really need shampoo. Does the baby have hair? The baby wasn't there.

I haven't met the baby. I stole from a baby I haven't even met. That's terrible, isn't it? But yeah, I had it. I think that's better. Fully shampooed the beard. It looks lovely and fluffy. Thanks very much.

Thank you. Yeah, it's... Yeah. It's frightening. I am... I tell you what I do. I've noticed it. People get edgy about it.

I'm a bit of a bookcase psychologist, so whenever I go in anyone's house, I really, in some detail, stare at the bookcase, because I think you can learn a lot from people like that. Totally. And people, they say stuff like, Oh, someone bought me that Joe Swash autobiography. And stuff like that. Have you bought me that Joe Swash autobiography. And stuff like that, you know. Have you read it?

Swash Pit. Excellent. I do that. But I'm so fascinated by Pitman. Imagine the embarrassment when people have seen He's Just Not That Into You. Yeah. Or it's called A Breakup Because It's Broken. Yeah.

That was embarrassing. Yeah, I know. I don't really want to see that. Yeah, just get rid of those books. It's the... The next time the local BNP branch have a burning, take them down there and get rid of them. That's my advice.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got a text in. Oh, Radio. We've had a text in. Oh, sorry, we've had a text in. We've had a text in from 179. I'm pretty cheery to read this. This is a good text. Frank, dear Frank, that Dave you work with on Absolute 80s

has the dullest voice ever. The Grim Reaper has a sweeter voice. I don't know who that Dave is, but oh, my God. Poor guy. That poor guy. Who could that be don't know who that Dave is, but oh my God. Poor guy. That poor guy. Who could that be? I wonder who that is. Maybe they're listening to the old World Cup podcast.

I think it might be that I've been Miss Nomad. Is that right? Miss Nomad. Miss Nom de Plume. What are you saying, Miss Nomad? I don't know. I just think that's so rude, calling you Dave. Unless it's you. I might be calling you Dave. Unless it's you. I mean, the other stuff. I might be calling you Dave. Fair enough.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it could be you. It could be me. What if it's me? I do sound quite masculine. Dave! Anyway. Anyway, thanks, 179.

Have a good day. Let's go travelling. Email Corner. Sorry, I've accidentally played the old version of Email Corner. Sorry, I've accidentally played the old version of Email Corner. Oh, accidentally. Not need to apologise, it's a little bit nostalgia. Yeah, it was a war product. Not only, we went to Email Corner via memory lane.

We did. Why not? Sorry, do you want me to play yours as well? Yeah, I do, actually. OK, I'll do that. Either one will do. They both feature me. I can't find it. Okay, you don't have to do it. I'll sing it instead. Okay. Go on, then. No! This is from Louise. I felt that Emily wanted us to persuade her a bit longer.

Like I was on the Desert Corner show. Exactly, yeah. This is from Louise. She says she's referring to Flying Ant Day. Do you remember we've discussed this before? Oh, yes, I was on the Desert Corner show. Exactly, yeah. This is from Louise. She says she's referring to Flying Ant Day. Do you remember we've discussed this before? Oh, yes. I was talking about whether it occurred on the same... That I wish I'd noted it in my diary because I'd like to know if it was on the same day every year. Yeah.

Well, Louise says, I do indeed keep a log of Flying Ant Day and have done for ten years. You are... Ten years. What? Louise, you're my kind of gal. Love it.

It usually falls on the 17th, the 18th or the 19th of July, but this week... This year, I'm sorry, it was a week early and arrived on the 11th of July, which, FYI, is my birthday. Damn global warming. So is everything. The reason I notice is because it often coincides with my husband's birthday on the 18th of July and I like to

see how far it varies I never imagined that others would be interested in this information Me neither I'm the opposite of that So that others can access the information as required Brilliant idea The flying ant blog

Flying ant blog See if I did keep a log of something like that. A great band. And it's the log and the blog. I like it. Yeah? I would totally imagine people are interested in that. Yes.

If I made a note of it, I wouldn't shut up about it. I'd be telling people in the pub. I'd be having a chat on trains going, you won't believe what the Flying Ant started this year. It's a big deal. I can't believe what the Flying Ants started this year. It's a big day. I mean, as a child, I used to collect all their discarded wings.

And now I use them to make sunglasses for my Bono action figure. Right. Yeah. No, but I think what we're all missing here is it's an incredible event, Flying Ant Day. Yeah. Yes. How do all... It's just one day. For a start-off, what on earth is a flying ant?

You never see an event... They're not flying ants, are they? They're basically ants that have somewhere they've got these things from, these flying machines. They just go out for the day, and it's an event. It's like ants that we've seen around the house and not noticed. They all get on their microlights for one day, and off they go. You've got ants around your house?

Oh, yeah, I've got ants in my house. As have everyone. I've got four, I think. Oh, have you? Yeah. I've marked one as a control, but unleaded pouting in case anyone's worried. No, but isn't it a fascinating...

I'd really like to know, how do they tell each other that it's flying hand day? How do they know? Good, good point. It's incredible. All we ever hear about is the stupid dolphins. This thing under our nose... Right, don't say that.

No, but this has been going on under our nose more wondrous than any dolphin activity. More wondrous? Have you ever seen one of them with wings? No. And yet no one even talks about it. Louise, let's start the revolution here. I don't mean like in a Russell Brand way, I mean in a

flying ant way. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had various texts in about flying ant days and stuff like that. Good. Hi all, long time listener. To clarify, these days are well known in Norway, at least, as hundedaga, translated dog days. It's midsummer when the temperature is highest, cream won't set, oysters shouldn't be eaten,

things go off easily and ants fly. So there, from Sophie. So why dog days? The one thing that they're not involved with. I don't know. Because there's a film, isn't there, Dog Day Afternoon? I believe there is, yeah. I kind of thought it was, like, really hot,

which is what they suggest. Is that what the dog thing is, that dogs won't go out because it's hot? Mad Dogs and Englishmen? Yes. You know what I'm talking about, hot dogs? Yeah. It all makes sense. We've had a text in from Paul Goss.

I don't know if he's one of the albino Goss twins. Oh, yeah, of course. But he's from Paul Goss. I don't know if he's one of the albino Goss twins. Oh, yeah, of course. But he's from Kettering. He says, hi, Frank was just saying he wants to know... I always thought that too many Gosses spoiled the broth. Sorry. Paul says, hi, Frank was just saying he wants to know about flying ants. I used to work for Rentokill, and I know all about them.

Call me if you like, Paul. He's done a smiley face as well. Yeah, I don't know if it's the branch of knowledge I want to know. They're annihilation. I think you should call him though. He might be a nice friend for you. They're only around for a day. Can't people put up with them for a day? I'm fine with them for a day. I'd like them all year round. We've had a text from Gary. Morning all, I love listening to the show with or without Frank. Oh, awkward, I should have read that before. I don't read that bit out.

He continues, Alan, you shouldn't use hair shampoo on your beard. It's not designed for facial hair and can dry it out. You need to get a beard shampoo and some beard oil. I did make some hints about beard oil on the show a few weeks ago but it's not i've not been sent any this is from paul beard oil ink hopefully i know this is i'm going growing a good crop of facial hair at the moment um can i just say i bet he reads popular science books i think it's fine to use the baby shampoo for the beard i don't think that's too well let me ask you a question here do babies have beans to use the baby shampoo for the beard. I don't think that's too... Well, let me ask you a question here.

Do babies have beards? Depends on the baby. That is a good point. Depends on the baby. That's a really good point you've made there. Well, some babies have beards. Some babies have a lot of beards. I think, well, you've seen a publicity shot of Al Mori and got confused.

No, I... It doesn't sound... Some babies are hairy. Yeah, but they don't have beards. You just don't see a baby with beards. No, I've seen... What about that baby with the Elvis quiff? I love that baby.

Who was that? I was in The Sun or one of the papers I read. Yeah, well, that would have been added. There was some praise about me at the end of that email, and Alan left it out. Oh, I thought we were still talking about beards. No. Hang on.

He was very nice. He said, uh, thank you. No, we don't need to say what he said, but just say thank you, Gary. Let's leave it at that. All right, fair enough. Thank you, Gary. I've suggested I don't come out of it that well, but thank you anyway. What else?

Oh, we need to read another email, Frank. Well, do we? Because we're still in the email corner, yeah. I'm up for it. Okay, your turn, Alan, please. Okay. Well, people love my voice, so let's do it. Morning, Frank M&L.

Just give me one Toby Jones. Toby Jones. Fantastic. Morning, Frank M&L. On many an occasion, I've heard Frank say he doesn't believe in fainting, and I agreed, believing it to only happen in films for dramatic effect. This morning, I went to my local doctors in Melbourne to get

an immunisation for travelling to Asia After successfully conquering my fear of needles I stood up feeling great And then... We get a dramatic dot dot dot I opened my eyes to find I was lying under a table Surrounded by four doctors placing numerous pillows Under my legs

My boyfriend holding my hand as pale as anything And asking the doctors had I just been asleep But no But this happened to me twice a week in the 80s friend holding my hand as pale as anything and asking me, asking the doctors had I just been asleep, but no. But this happened to me twice a week in the 80s. I'd not decided that a doctor's in St Kilda was the perfect place for me to mourn in that. Oh, St Kilda. No. I love St Kilda. All those little houses with the sort of Regency wrought iron.

Oh, nice. And the balcony's beautiful. It's like Camden on sea. Oh, lovely. Yeah. Frank, fainting is real. I've got the cut on my head to prove it. My favourite part of the experience, if you can have one,

is that one of the doctors ran out of the room and came back saying, since you fainted, you can have a free copy of my book. Well, there's guilt, isn't it? Something's gone on there. I bet you they're testing horse tranquiliser On the side

They've given it her she's collapsed And they've had to come up with some sort of Keep her sweet kind of thing He signed it to Claire the fainter Which is a nice Personalised The fainter in inverted commas Because it doesn't really exist

That's Claire originally from Liverpool Living in wonderful Oz Well well done Maybe that's why he's done. That's Claire originally from Liverpool, living in wonderful Oz. Well, well done. Yeah, I think she... Maybe that's what Frank's in. People are very, very tired and it's just fast-track sleeping. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank, you know what we haven't discussed this morning?

What about Kim Kardashian? Did you see those pictures? I did see those pictures. You didn't? I think, yes. Now, you two are both happily married men in successful relationships. Mm-hm. So I would imagine that you weren't ogling.

No, I wouldn't say. But you must have seen them. I wasn't Tina ogling. I would say that I think one can discuss such things in an aesthetic point of view. I once had a long conversation over breakfast with Sir Peter Blake about Grace Jones's bottom. Did you?

And he discussed it in artistic terms. Did he really? He did. It's the least sexist conversation about a woman's bottom I've ever had in my life. And of course Grace Jones was in the original versions of these photographs, wasn't she? Oh, is that what it's based on? Yeah.

That never occurred to me. It's the same chaps, the same photographers. Is it? It's not even stolen. That's a weird coincidence then. It's not that much of a coincidence. Well, it is. I'm talking about Grace Dantz's bottom here. Obviously, it had ticked some little subliminal...

They're very different bottoms, though. They are. But we'll get on to that. There were three different images. Yeah. One was... Some more suitable for work than others. Well, there's no...

It depends where you work. There's no easy way of saying this. One was full frontal. That's true. I've only seen, can I say, the censored thing, and that's enough for me. I've not. Oh, yeah, right. I've seen the others.

Have you seen the one with the champagne glass on the bottom? Yes. Yes. Okay, how did you, what did you feel about this? Well, I'll tell you what that reminded me of. One at a time. You'll have your go in a second, Frank. Okay.

To help, in case you haven't seen them, the idea is that she has a champagne at the bottom. It forms a small table. And you put the champagne glass on it, and then you open the champagne, fire it up over your back and catch it in the champagne glass. Is that a fair thing? Yes, although it's odd that you're describing it in a sort of user's manual fashion.

Well, I'll tell you why. It's just a one-off incident. Because it reminded me of, I don't know if, this might be before your time, guys, but there was a time when you learnt to drive, one of the things you used to do, and not on a lesson, but with friends, is that you had to change gear and all that with a pint of beer on your bonnet. Was that right? Wow.

Without spilling the beer. Different times. So it was different times where beer and driving weren't constantly entwined. But yeah, there used to be a little test of your clutch control. Right. So I wonder if it was something like that. Maybe it was.

See, I saw it and her firing that cork and the big spray of champagne and it landing right in the glass on her bottom. And it reminded me very much of how I lost my job as head waiter in the old corn mill. I think it was around 96, something like that. Yeah, and what was it? Smears on the glasses? Yeah, well, I couldn't get it to perch because I haven't got the shelf,

so I had to sort of break the base off and just pinch. Oh, no. Nowadays you could call me. Well, nowadays I could do it with a pipe mug. Dimples. Such as I've settled. Yes, and the mug. Yeah, well, but the car thing, though, it does fit, doesn't it?

Because I believe the modern term, one would say that she had junk in her trunk. Is that correct? That's what they say. Can I own up and say the first time I heard that phrase used, I thought they meant that the person wanted to go to the toilet. What's wrong with you?

Well, because junk suggests something that one wants to... Get rid of. Yeah, unload. Yes. Yes. So it doesn't mean that. I thought it was some... Yeah, some awful... excretory car boot sale. Maybe we'll have a break here.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank? Hmm? Someone has tweeted us. Oh, yeah? And said, Frank, who was that with you on the radio this morning?

Nina Mishkoff. Now... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. That either refers to me or Daisy. Or the cockerel. Could be yet more attacking me, but I think it's pretty obscure if it's claiming that I'm Nina Mishkoff. Yeah, still, you know, it's not a bad thing to be Nina Mishkoff.

I like that we both had haters, though. Yeah. Haters gonna hate! Paul Goss has tweeted... Paul Goss of rentokill formerly yes yes currently living in the kettering area i believe he's here he has make shoes now sent us a full and thorough explanation re-flying ants okay would you like to hear it if it's full do you want me so i want some music under it? Give me a little sound bed

We're going to say now for the science bit Give me a little bed Flying ants, let's see what I've got that's relevant Let's try this Go for it Okay, briefly All the flying ants are females The ant nest is similar to a bee or wasp nest

in that it has a queen and workers. OK. When the weather is at its warmest and atmospheric pressure correct, the queen lays only female eggs, which hatch. And the females fly from the nest free impregnated with eggs. Oh, so they go out spreading. That's right, Frank. After a certain distance,

the wings fall off and the large female falls to the ground. I've seen that happen a few times when people have been drinking. Yes. And will then find a new nest site where she will lay her eggs and start a new colony.

I hope this helps. Paul. So, new nest for every flying ant. There is a new nest. This is music just forever now when we do the show? That is fascinating. So, every flying ant is a potential new ant nest. Yeah.

Well, I don't know what to say. Kim Kardashian, ladies and gentlemen, where were we? Oh, yeah. What did you think? You see, I loved it. Well, I liked it. I think they were great photographs. I mean, I don't think it's front-page news to say this, but she's photogenic, isn't she? I mean, she is photogenic.

Is she, though? Isn't she? Is she? Isn't she? I don't... For a start-up, I've never... Some people think that it looks great to be oiled. Yes.

They think, oh, that's so sexy, baby oil. You know why she had the baby oil on there? They do, people do, they get oiled. That's so sexy. No, I don't know why she had the baby oil on there. I think it would be like holding liver for her and Bryce. We won't pass that on. I know why she

had the baby oil on. She was staying at her mate's house that's recently had a baby and she saw it on the shelf and she thought, I'm going to fill in a boot. She had someone employed just to do that, to apply the oil. Good gig. It's a good gig. Are you, I, I... I just look at that and think, oh, imagine if she sat on the sofa, you'd be very anxious, wouldn't you?

Yes. You'd have to get a new throw. It'd be a big dry cleaning bill if she sat on the sofa. We should also say it was an attempt to break the internet, wasn't it? She was saying hashtag break the internet. Once he sat on a laptop. I mean, I do think that's a bit selfish, trying to break the internet by putting up photos of her naked body.

Apparently someone at the magazine said she wasn't meant to go full frontal. Said she was going to take off her clothes and one thing led to another. Really? Doesn't it always? But break the internet. What does she mean, break the internet? Just that it would go into espousing

because so many people would be using it to pass around these pictures of her bum. She loves herself, that one. Bit selfish, though. I had to get some insurance quotes this week. Old woman in Birmingham over the fence. I had to get some insurance quotes from a motorcycle, and she's trying to break the internet, and I'm going to end up having to phone call senders.

No, we're talking about something really glamorous. Kim Kardashian, you've turned it into motor insurance for your bike. She's trying to break the internet. We use the internet. I don't think it's going to be on the same site. What if you had to do some online banking and she's there breaking the internet? It's not fair. Yes, it's not online banking I'm worried about. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We haven't really talked about Kanye's feelings about his wife Kim. What do you think he thought? Well, I think people were saying that he approved because he tweeted a picture of his wife's derriere, let's say. Quite substantial derriere. And he put hashtag all day, which people were saying that that's him saying that he approves of it.

I think he's sort of saying that he could look at that all day. Like, it's a nice thing. Well, he gets to. OK. I thought there might be a little bit of 70s misogyny attached to it. Like, you know, she sits on that all day. Oh, yes. That's why it's so big.

Is there not a bit of that? There might be. It's very confusing, Kanye. He's quite cryptic, isn't he, when he wants to be? I'm derriere intolerant, I think, as far as this... Can I ask you a question? You're not a big Curves fan, let's be honest. No, no, I do.

No, you... Zola Budd is your ideal woman, Frank. Anyway, that's... Let me ask you a question. This is a serious question about social history. OK, I'm your person then i feel now if a woman has an enormous bottom a woman in the i mean i don't mean a fat one i mean a slim woman with an enormous bottom and in in in what that would be like yes in the media i think they're seen as

being you know yeah one of the yeah yeah sister because she got a big bottom you know, yay, one of the, yay, yay, sister. Yes. Because she got a big bottom. Mm-hmm. You know, sorry, I accidentally did the accent there. I withdraw, I withdraw that accent. And do you know what I mean? Of all the accents you've done on the show over the years, that's the one you're withdrawing? Yes.

Unbelievable. It's, it's, it's, nevertheless, it's, you know, it becomes a sign of real street, kind of. Yeah. Whereas if a woman now has enormous breasts, she's seen as some kind of fool. Yes. Now, when did the bottom get this status? How did that happen?

Why are you lamenting about that it's now acceptable? I'm not lamenting. I'm just saying it's an interesting social phenomenon. As someone who had to tie a jumper around her waist for years, and now I don't. Though I'm very happy about that. Because you can't have a go at someone for having a big bum, whereas you used to be able to, so I'm afraid that insults...

But you can if they've got big breasts, and they are often dismissed as extremely foolish. Would you agree with that? Maybe you're right. Whereas a big bottom is seen as a great sign of prestige. Maybe we'll stop with page three in the tabloids and we could have page six, just a big picture of a bum every day. That could be progress, couldn't it?

Also, you know, ultimately on the hygiene subject, surely breasts are a safer area to be... Fetishising. Yes. Cleaner. Well, you know. It takes all sorts. We're all God's children, Frank. Canetishising. Yes. Cleaner. Well, you know. It takes all sorts. We're all God's children, Frank.

Can I, I believe that. Can I ask, does that apply to, say, I don't know, if you have, people have bomb implants now. They do, yeah. I don't know why you're looking at me as if I have. Well, any man who'd use beard shampoos on the brink of a bomb implant. I'd love it.

If Alan had a bomb implant next week, I would love that. Can I ask a question? Yes. By the way, the fact that she's famous for junk in the trunk. Yes. Is Kardashian, is that a pun on car dashboard? No. Don't think so, no.

I think it's her name. Is it a pun on car-based? No. Okay, I always like to get to the... Is this how we're ending the show? Yeah, I'm happy to end on any kind of... How are you going to end it like this? That's fine.

That's awful. I like that. It's like Wagner. End on an incompleted movement. No, I'm leaving it there. Go on, do it. I'm leaving it there. I'm leaving it there. Look on, do it. I'm leaving it there. I'm leaving it there.

Look, thank you so much for listening today. And as my son said this week, I want to say goodbye now. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.