The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Festive Pessimism

Episode Date: December 1, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank's away so Emily is in the host's seat. Emily had an embarrassing incident on a train to Manchester. The team also discuss Noel Edmonds' shock exit from the Jungle, Melania Trump's Christmas tree and Knickers the giant cow.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Dad's gone on a work trip and we've got three hours to wreck the joint. Who's in? I'm with my fellow Home Alones today, the fabulous Gareth Richards and the ever-wonderful Alan Cochran. Morning. Hello.

Good morning, how are you doing? Well, I'm good. You're looking quite fresh-faced, both of you. Oh, thank you, yeah. Suspiciously fresh-faced, Gareth. What are you accusing me of? Yeah. Well, I'm just saying... I'm awake.

You look like you might have gone to my woman recently. Oh. Who's your woman? She helps me out with bits and bobs. Oh. Is this a surgeon? I don't really have surgery. I was pretending. Genuinely thought.

I genuinely don't have a surgeon. No, no. I have facials. You know, I have procedures like that, but that's it. I have to start the show with some very shock news. Oh, did I say you can text the show on 8-12-15? Daisy, oh, I forgot that. I believe did I say you can text the show on 8.12.15? Daisy, oh, I forgot that. I believe you did.

You can text the show on 8.12.15. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show by the Absolute Radio website. Now, we had some shocking news last night. Oh, no, what's happened? Not George Bush Senior. No, I'm... I thought that is shocking.

Yes, that is. That's sad news. But we went... Well, I went to bed last that is shocking. Yes, that is. That's sad news. But we... We, um... Well, I went to bed last night to discover that Noel Edmonds has been evicted from the jungle. I can't believe he's out already. I know. I haven't even started watching it yet.

You have to be late now. I've seen, like, about a minute and a half. And everyone's talking about him in it. Yeah. And he's already out. Well, it seems also, it's a bit of a technical problem being evicted from a jungle, isn't it?

I'm not quite sure how that works. Can you actually be evicted? Who decides on that? Well, you think he should just stay there like a squatter? Well, he did, he was getting, was it 600 grand he was getting? I believe so.

And he's now, so he's been there 10 days. 60 grand a day. 60 grand a day. Al Adin strikes again. Good maths. Yeah, yeah. Great maths.

Great maths. It's not great maths. It's very easy maths. It's just maths. I was impressed. But he... Come on. I am gutted about this

because I'm a bit obsessed by Noel and the whole sort of 2.0 re-emergence of Noel. Well. And I had something of a crush on Noel Edmonds in my childhood. In your childhood? Yes. Not so recently. I used to watch him on Swap Shop.

Oh, right. So I... I used to do that with him when he was explaining who he was to the young man Malik. He said, I used to be on a programme called Multicoloured Swap Shop. I like that he... He was like,

I think I saw you on Deal or No Deal, but did you do other stuff before that? Oh, I feel sick. I can't believe he... Don't say, did you do other stuff to any performer. When people say, did you do other stuff, I have to vomit. You'd be very stressed. So, and what did Noel say?

Noel pretended to be OK about it, was clearly furious. And he said afterwards, you know, I like him. He's a simple young man. And I don't mean simple in a negative way at all. No, Noel, it's such a nice thing to say that someone's simple. It's a story that he tips her out of shot and ripped down eight trees. in a negative way at all. No, Noel, it's such a nice thing to say that someone's simple. It's a story that he tips her out of shot and ripped down eight trees. Do you think there's a part of Noel,

when you say he pretended to be okay about it but was clearly furious, do you think that should be his Twitter bio? I mean, that's essentially Noel's default setting. Pretending to be okay about it and clearly furious. Insane positivity, masking rage. That could be the name of his new self-help book.

Do you know what? I'd buy that. There is talk he's going to have a workout book and app and various other things. Well, I want to talk about his workout because... His bod. I want us to book three tickets to the gun show. I don't know. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Yeah, Noel Edmonds He has this extraordinary workout regime I thought you were going to say body then I was about to say 100 I was getting to that

He looks good, let's be honest for a man of his age As hashtag grandad bods go, he's a good one. Not bad at all. I say a man of his age. How old is he, actually? Late 60s, isn't he? Yeah, 69.

Well, he said to Malik, guess how old I am. Did he? Have a guess. He's like, oh, I don't know. 42? Well done, Malik. He didn't really say 40. He went like, yeah, he definitely said 40,

but he doesn't know numbers. Imagine if Malik had said 70. Oh, that would have been awful. A million? Yeah, I thought 150 might be his first guess. A trillion, gajillion, I don't know, you're pretty old, mate. Yeah, no, with him, it's not so much crinkly bottom, but crinkly six-pack.

Very good. Very good. He looks incredible, doesn't he? No, Mr Blobby, has anyone said that? I'm sure people have said that. It's a touch predictable headline, that. Not so Mr Blobby. Apologies for that.

I'm sorry, what can I do? We're all doing our best. Exactly. Give a girl a break. Come on. So the workout itself, now this is the thing that I find incredibly creepy, is that it takes place in the dark.

Okay? He works out in total darkness, Noel Edmonds. I mean, that does improve the gym experience generally, doesn't it? For the rest of us, yeah. I think it's great. It's getting the dark. I think it's brilliant. Is it a bit dangerous, though?

It does sound a bit dangerous, but at the same time... I worry about weights. Sorry, what were you going to say? You think it's brilliant. You worry about weights? I was going to say, I don't think there are big cues

when the gym is in the dark because only Noelel wants to use the the weights i've used weights and weights there the two different spellings oh i see okay there's not a queue i'm feeling less bad about mr blobby now think you should um so the the dot you think it's a positive thing to wipe out in the dark? Something in your favour of saves on electricity bills. I bet he's not doing that thing that you see people do in commercial gyms where they do a tiny bit of exercise and then just look at the mirror for 10 minutes afterwards, like curling a bicep. I bet you can't do that in the pitch black unless he's got some special goggles,

which I would believe of Noel. I mean, can you imagine walking in the pitch black unless he's got some special goggles, which I would believe of Noel. I mean, can you imagine walking into the pitch black, turning on the light and seeing Noel in the special goggles? Working out going, come on, Noel, you can do it. Well, it's interesting, actually. I found myself at home because you know how now with a mobile phone you never use a landline, for instance, how it's making some things obsolete. Often when everyone else is

in bed i'll just use the torch on my phone for lighting yeah and i sort of feel like a victorian person wandering around with a candle yeah and really you think is there really any need for all this electricity being you could we not all do that all the time that reminds me i must go i want to go into the national gallery to see i. I love that painting, Victorian child with an iPhone. That was three minutes without Noel Edmonds, and that's too long for me. It's all I want to talk about now for the rest of my life. So he's been kicked out of the

jungle yeah if he said he won he'd give up television yeah therefore more television want to keep him in for no but now he's going to do more television and more working out on the electromagnetic mat that's the thing that he's giving the credit for, isn't it? Well, he does it 15 minutes a day. That and, is it restructured water? Are these the things that he's giving credit for his fit body? Alan, the electromagnetic

mat costs £2,000. But I don't think that's what's making him thin and muscular. Just in case you didn't know that. He must be lifting weights in a sort of conventional... He must be doing a series of compound lifts. Well, I could see you were going into Forensic Alley with the weights. I thought Al's going to want to know what he's lifting.

I love the idea that he's doing that and then going, no, no, it's this mat thing, you should all buy this two grand mat that I may or may not have shares in. But maybe, I mean, if it was that easy, surely everyone would just get the mat and have a body like that. Well, if it was as easy as just £2,000 for a mat. Yeah, well, even the... For some of us, Alan, that would be a bit of a stretch.

Well, the NHS spend more than that on the morbidly obese. They could get loads of mats and start giving them out. Oh, my God, it's gone political. Don't bring the morbidly obese into the get loads of matters it's gone political don't bring the morbidly obese into the room we just don't have facilities i know um but i would say he listens to electronic pulses and personally i think that's what does it but what do they sound or as they call it nowadays, dance music. Do you think that's what Noel pulls dance music? I listen to electronic pulses. It's very regular sounds put into

and some ladies singing over the top. Gareth, do you think, I wonder whether his idea of dance music is perhaps something like D-Ream, Things Can Only Get Better. I heard this great new track dropped the other day. Really great pulses in it. So he's in the dark, listening to electronic pulses on the mat. Oh, there you go. I mean, some people would pay for that.

It's a great night out. Yeah, it is a great night. But he does say it's made his hair thicker and his nails stronger. Wow. Thicker and stronger. He's going around looking thicker and his nails stronger. Wow. Thicker and stronger. I'm going around looking at his nails all day. I don't know. Is there a measurable way to see how strong your

nails are? How does he test this? Does he have a... Pliers. He just keeps them a little... He keeps a little tug and if they come out more time in the dark on the map for me. Do you know, I wonder if Noel will be met at Heathrow or whichever airport he chooses to descend into. I think he might be a private kind of character.

Oh yeah, he's very PJ. He's got his own helicopter, hasn't he? He's very PJ. Pretty sure. I haven't travelled commercial since 1989, but thanks anyway. You know he drives a black cab as well? Yeah, with a doll in the back. Are you referring to Candice? Yeah.

Candice has her own wardrobe of clothes. Who doesn't? Yes. Well, I know, but you know why he says he has Candice? Well, it was originally, wasn't it? It's a mannequin, we should say, in case anyone doesn't know it's a mannequin. It's a mannequin that he used to have in the taxi that he drives next to him so people wouldn't try and flag him down.

That was his story. Yeah. You've seen the film, Drive Attack. Exactly, so maybe just don't drive a taxi. Also, I read one detail, it's just one of those small details that it just stuck in my head

and left a slightly acidic aftertaste, was he has a wardrobe full of clothes for Candice at home. Okay. Suggesting he changes her clothes. Well, I'm just wondering if Candice maybe sometimes finds herself in places other than the black cat.

Okay. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. How good would it have been if, rather than reveal, like, a really fit body, Noel Edmonds had revealed a really fit body and, like, a full Conor McGregor chest tattoo? Like, it would have been even more fun, I think. Yeah.

But, you know, it's a missed opportunity. He's not a tattoo type. He could have got some of the pretend sleeve ones that you get selling joke shops and just had them on

if he was only under 10 days people wouldn't have known well he did like to show his arms off yeah

didn't he he went for that sort of as you say tickets for the gun show yeah it was quite a

show he put on he put on quite a show older men look quite good in a vest quite often, I think. I'll be the judge of that. We've all got our preferences of one thing or another.

Yeah, we've all got a type, and mine is Noel Edmonds in a vest. Big news. I always like old men in vests. Good to have found my type. Have you ever watched Rhapsody? I've got a show you'd like. Have you ever watched Rhapsody Nesbitt? I have seen that, yes.

That is going to be right up your... I was worried what that stirring was when I watched it. That's Alan's idea of a man in a vest. I've never seen a whole episode, don't know why. I can't watch a whole episode all at once. That string vest, that Scottish accent. Start worrying the wife. You know, one of Noel's many business interests

was that he set up a radio thing, didn't he? For dogs, or pets, was it? Was it for dogs? And it says in the paper that he described it as the world's first exclusively happy radio experience. Yeah. Well, we're doing our best, Noel. Cheers, Noel.

Thanks a lot, Noel. I believe it was for animals. Yeah. Which is good, because they don't tend to write reviews or text yeah perfect I mean they don't text

and abuse animals are great I don't know one dog told me it was a bit rough very good and they do struggle to hit the pause button

do you know what I love pause pause button doesn't really work does it can you pause the radio nowadays no but you know what I really admire your spirit in jumping in there had a go didn't I had a go pause button. Doesn't really work, does it? Can you pause the radio? No, you can't. Nowadays, maybe you can.

No, but you know what? I really admire your spirit in jumping in there. I had a go, didn't I? I had a go. I need to tell you about my visit to Manchester. Right.

Oh, you came to see me. Well, I came, I went to see Alan. Okay. Did you wear a vest? He's had a bit, he's had a bit jelly bags. Um, I didn't wear a vest, no.

But I went up north, and... It's not as grim as it's made out to be, is it? It was lovely. Yeah, and don't say it like you've done an aid trip to somewhere where there's been an earthquake, Emily. It's just as perfect. They've got everything now.

It was lovely. It was lovely. Yeah, I didn't have my... Yeah. It was... Emily was wearing a unisex vest. I did. I did.

I had my little sort of flak jacket. It was... Emily was wearing a unisex vest. I did. I did. I had my little sort of flak jacket. But Alan is going to be guesting on my podcast soon. And so we had a day out with his dog, Lucky. The Lockster. Cool. Lovely, lovely gentle character. The Lockster.

Yes. The dog's a real hound, but I'm a lovely gentle character. The first thing I said when I saw her, Gareth, I said, she's got a lovely figure. She was in great shape. I did sound like Donald Trump, didn't I? I said, she's in great shape, beautiful shape, beautiful, beautiful woman.

But I made an absolute fool of myself on the train. Oh, did you? No, I didn't tell you this. Excellent. I can't imagine you'd want to know about an incident where I made an absolute imbecile of myself, would you? Yes, please. Okay. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Al. Yes. Manchester. Yeah, I need to talk to you about Manchester. I mean, I say that. You're a resident there, for heaven's sake. I was on the train. It took about

five and a half hours. That's too much. The producer just said, what? It's too much. Do you know, the producer, she loves a transport-based story.

There's some weather delays. She loves a transport incident. I've lived there 11 years. I don't think I've ever been two and a half hours late home. Emily comes once and it all goes to chaos. Well, that's what you said in the text to the producer.

Alan texted and she said, oh, we're running very late, it's two hours late. He said, well, I've lived here 11 years, this has never happened. And she said... No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. It's a power of positive thinking. Oh, wait, with Alan. Well, I'm not really known for mine. I actually wasn't sending it with that tone of like, I've lived here 11 years, where are you?

It was more like, oh, you guys are so unlucky. But that's the problem. This is where I went to. I said, I think what Alan's saying is, poor you. I feel bad. I feel responsible. Yeah. Anyway, Al, on the journey,

there are two men sitting next to myself and charlie the producer in vests let the vest thing go how old were they they were in sort of chinos and leather jackets this kind of a look okay so we were a table mixed and we were do you know the single tables yeah yes yeah there's sort of you know i like the single tables you're a fan of the single table? All the single tables. Yeah, well, that's why I like it. It should have put a ring on it.

Well, of course it was. Oh, OK. No, it wasn't. Because I don't know the single tables. Oh, really? I didn't really know what you were talking about. You see, this is why I could never do a stand-up show with observational comedy.

You know when you're at the single tables and first... But we're sitting at a single table, me and her, and there are men on the floor, and they're chatting, and I hear... I'm talking to her, and then I hear one of them having a phone conversation. They've got their laptops out. They're very... We're doing some work. Oh, yeah. And one of them is saying, yeah, yeah okay when i've spoken to him about the planning permission 100 100 square foot i've said that i've spoken to david badil he knows the

situation he knows he knows i've told him so of course he puts the phone down charlie and i were open mouthed we're open It sounded like a tense conversation concerning David Baddiel. Brilliant. So I kept... He said, well, yeah, well, I'm going to have to speak to David Baddiel again about this.

We've got the whole incident with this planning situation. I don't know what I'm going to say to him. It's funny, because David Baddiel usually does stuff unplanned. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. I'm going to leave. No, that Thank you. I'm going to leave.

No, that's excellent. I'm going to see his show tonight, in fact. So I'll be at Soho Theatre. I don't know if there's tickets available, but, you know.

He, so anyway, so I thought, well, David's been mentioned. What do I do? Most people... Answer earwig, surely. Well, most people

in that situation would either continue listening... Oh, yeah....or most people in that situation would either continue listening... Oh, yeah. ..or just leave it. Not me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I think the cockerel is being an old Edmunds apologist in our break. It was all kicking off in the break, people, when the song was on. It got quite heated. What did Alan get upset about? You said something disparaging about Noel Edmonds. You said you didn't really believe he was a football fan because he was going on about going to the football. I thought he was the sort of person who would say,

come on, you red devils. And Alan, you said... I said I think he is interested in football because I think he's had chats with Mark Oliver about how he likes the football. I don't know. Mark Almond? It's all hearsay.

Mark Almond's not into football. Mark Oliver, who used to do the warm-up for Deal or No Deal. Do you remember I stood in for that? Did you? Oh, so you... So I've been in the room with... Noel Edmonds touched me. Oh, no, that sounds like an allegation.

No, I just mean he jumped on me and, like... He did what? Like his... When you're doing warm-up, he would creep up on you. Really? Without telling you that he was in the studio. He's a prankster. So as a big, funny joke, he would creep up on you.

Alan's always putting a rosy glow on any Edmunds antics. That's what all that dark exercise was about. Well done. Just prepping for creeping up on people. I had my own experience with Edmunds when I was on Deal or No Deal. Oh, yes. Okay. Okay.

I took part in it. No, I was a guest on someone else's charity edition of it. Have I just... Sorry, I just had a... You know when you're... You think, what have I done with my life? So it's not the place for it. Come on, morning.

Yay, let's have some banter. Emily's still mid-anecdote about the train altercation. I was on the train. So they're talking about David Baddiel. And you could mind your own business. We should let people know that you know David Baddiel. It's not like you're just ear-wigging for some gossip. Yes.

Well, I do know David Baddiel. In fact, someone once said something on Twitter, which I think he put into his show. Some character on Twitter said, she's always going on about David Baddiel. She doesn't stop beating on about him. We know why that is. Which I liked.

It was a suggestion that there'd been some impropriety between us. But there really hasn't, can I just say. Anyway, I hear this going on. I hear this David Baddiel conversation. And it's very difficult when you hear someone you know being talked about like that. You think, well, what do I do? They were discussing his planning permission quite loudly. His planning permission, the square footage.

Apparently there had been some dispute over it. And I went in. I went in. I said, excuse me. Charlie, the producer, she went so white. All right. I mean, she looked absolutely horrified. I said, excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear.

First lie. I couldn't help but overhear you just mentioned David Baddiel. I said, is that the comic and writer David Baddiel? Very good. I went comic first, I thought. Yeah, yeah. And the man smiled and he looked at me. They looked at each other.

He looked over at Charlie and he said, is your friend so boring that you have to listen to our conversation? Oh, he's horrible. Oh, I don't like this mum. So, shots fired. Yeah. Charlie's going, shall I get some teas? Yeah.

Yeah, like Kit Kats or something. I mean, she is that boring, but that's minor detail. She's not. So I said, Alan, at that point, I thought, right. So I didn't like it. He was suggesting we were gossiping ladies as well. I mean, the very idea. I don't like him.

So I thought, I'm going to turn this round by suggesting, I wanted to reclaim some dignity and make it very clear this was a professional engagement. So I ended up saying, she's not my friend, she's my colleague. Which was one of the most horrible things I've ever said to another human being. So now Charlie's upset about you, not him. Charlie looked genuinely really hurt. The whole thing

was an absolute disaster. It would have been better to just say, yes, she is that boring. Would have been kinder. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London

and the South East on 105.8 FM. This is the Frank Skinner show. Frank's not here this morning but I'm with two rather fabulous boys. I'm going to do their jingles. Ha. Ha. but I'm with two rather fabulous boys. I'm going to do their jingles. What shall I do for you, Gareth?

What about... Oh, no. I didn't think you'd press that one. Not that one. I like it. I like it. I was going to go for Town Crier. Perfect.

But it ended up on Loneliest Man. You're not a lonely man. You've got a lovely family. I'm pretty lonely. Beautiful wife in great shape. Beautiful woman. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio.

And you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And Emily, you were telling us about a train journey. I mean, it sounds boring. Manchester. Not boring. Manchester. No, not boring. Contra Tom. You overheard some businessman talking about David Baddiel.

I did. And you said, oh, are you talking about David Baddiel, the comedian and writer? And you got a rather rude reply from one of the gentlemen. He said, in reference to my producer who I was sitting with, he said something along the lines

of your friend must be very boring if you're having to listen to our conversation really rude so i said in response to him i don't know why i'm doing this full previously on er but i quite like it can i just say on twitter that daniel skipsy has said oh he's one of our regulars hello daniel the fact that the guy used dav David Baddiel's full name twice in his telephone conversation suggests to me that he rather wanted to be overheard anyway. Was he so boring that he had to do that? Good.

Thank you, Daniel. Daniel, that's an interesting question, and one I will answer, at the risk of sounding like a Tory MP, or any sort of MP, because it turned out it wasn't the David Baddiel. Oh! OK?

Sick burn! Yeah. OK? He turned round to me, the man, and he said, it's not that David Baddiel. Different David Baddiel. He said, I appreciate... As soon as he said, I appreciate, I thought I'm in hot water.

He said, I appreciate it's an unusual name, but there is another David Baddiel? He said, I appreciate, as soon as he said, I appreciate, I thought I'm in hot water. He said, I appreciate it's an unusual name, but there is another David Baddiel. Wow. So I said, okay, okay. I was sort of stalling for time. I thought, how am I going to get out

of this mess? I didn't really get out of the mess. No? There was sort of an uncomfortable silence and I said to Charlie, I don't believe,

I don't believe that it's not the David Baddiel. I thought I'm going to have to cling to this. It was my last shred of dignity. Because why is he banging on about David Baddiel, David Baddiel if it's not the David Baddiel that you would say David Baddiel about? There is of course quite an easy straightforward way to resolve this. Arm wrestle.

If the real David Baddiel could perhaps get in touch and let us know as I say I am going to see his show at the Soho Theatre tonight so maybe he can put me out of my misery then and tell us

is he planning any large structures that would require planning permission in the end it was fine with the men and we resolved it was it?

well it was kind of alright he made a joke later on the man he said the train driver made an announcement. You know what they're like. There's comedy in the announcements now. Oh, yeah. And he says,

I have no idea when we're getting in. The heating's broken and there's no water, so you can't have teas and coffees. And we'll be going at 30 miles an hour. Enjoy your trip. He did one of those. And the man turned around to me and he suddenly said,

oh, surely you must be friends with Richard, the man in charge of it all, and he can sort this out for us. He's got your number, hasn't he? Do you know what? That is the most accurate thing you've ever said. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So I've got an announcement to make everyone. Wow. It's Christmas! Oh, I thought you were going to tell us that you had a thing for guys in vests. I thought maybe that you already stole my thunder with that one. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. It is Christmas. Yeah, we've got

the tree up in the Avalon studio. Avalon. Avalon. Can we just say Avalon is our management company. We're planning a takeover. Oh, no. Sorry. This is actually... Can I just say, I apologise everyone.

I misspoke. We are on absolute radio. We are on Absolute Radio. Yeah, we are. And we've got a tree in the corner, but it might be the most depressing tree I've ever seen. It's slumped in the corner like a corpse, really. And it's still covered in, you know that plasticky thing? The netting.

Yeah, the netting. I still like the netting. It's white mesh body bag. The body bag. And there's a guitar underneath it, which is very Absolute Radio. There's Absolute Radio. There's just discarded guitars all over the floor everywhere you go. Yeah.

Just like... What else? I wonder what the Absolute Radio tree, what the theme would be for the decorations. If you've got any ideas, you can text us in, actually, on 81215. But musical, I think very indie, wouldn't it be? The tree's still got that sort of red tape around it at the top, you know, like you see on a sort of a carrier pigeon's leg.

Yes. Why have they left that on? I don't like that, Al. Maybe not carrier pigeon, perhaps turkey. Yeah. Chicken. But it's not looking its best, yeah. It's Christmas time now.

It's Christmas, everybody, so decorations up this weekend, I think. No, it's too early. It's not looking its best. It's Christmas time now. It's Christmas, everybody. So decorations up this weekend? No, it's too early. Are you telling us or asking us? It felt a bit commanding. So my wife and children are going to be putting up the tree while I'm away. Are they? Yeah, I'm best out of it.

It's not very It's a Wonderful Life. It's time to put the tree up, isn't it? December. Well, Al, I went to your house. Beautiful house, by the way. We're very tasteful. Oh, when are you starting to stop going on about visiting Alan in Manchester? I love it when you get jelly bags.

It is a nice home, though. But you didn't have the tree up, I noticed. No, I don't really understand this timetabling that people do about Christmas decorations. Isn't there a thing where you have to have the tree back down by a certain date? Really, you strike me as so festive. But people get really into... This shock news, Justin. Alan's a bit Scrooge about Christmas.

I'm not Scrooge about Christmas. Maybe I am. Of course you are. But I don't understand why people are like, oh, it's got to be taken down on, what is it, January the 6th? It can't be that. What is it? When is it you're meant to have the tree back down? It's what?

The 12th day after. Okay. Well, that was a good bit of radio. But why? Sorry, the producer was just telling us, because she knows things like this, but it's the 12th day of Christmas. Yeah, I don't... There's a famous song about it.

Is that when the true love sends something? I wonder if I didn't get anything in the post. Something. But yeah, I think it's a bit early doors for me. But if you're meant to take it down at a certain time, why isn't there a sort of decorations up day where everybody knows, like today's decorations day? Because people have lives and plans. I think that it anyway if it is today how come everybody else has got theirs up already you know the white house has got 40 red trees why hasn't

i mean can we discuss the decor on a specific day she melania she's goneania, she's gone for the blood red tree. Yeah. What did you make? Did you see these? Because they've certainly been the divided opinion. I can imagine she likes it because, you know, she's not a person who is attracted to things that are the right colour. Her husband's orange.

She does like gaudy colours. She's fine with it in humans and Christmas trees. I wish she'd have had orange trees. Why oh why? Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Melania Trump and the White House. That's right. She was given... Love that David Walliams book. She was given the job of decorating... Careful.

What? What's she? Decorating the White House. Yeah, yeah, she was. Did she pick it all then? Yeah, apparently she helped, you know, she's the first lady's job. She did it.

You're given one job. You have one job. She has a few, I think. But last year, she got criticised because she went for a slightly icy, narnier vibe with a white twig. And it looked a bit skeletal and spooky, almost created a slightly haunting atmosphere in the White House.

Right. And this year she's gone for the blood red. People have said they look like brushes in car washes. Yeah. How frightening were those, by the way? Brushes in car washes, exciting. Can I just say that my wife has recently taken to a game-changing thing with brushes. You know the little brush with a handle that you would clean out a pan, say?

Oh, yes. Of course, the washing-up brush. Yeah, washing-up brush. What I call, did you say what I call a washing-up brush? Yeah, washing-up brush. Yeah. She has started... Brushing her hair with them.

When they're minging. Can I say she looks stunning, considering? You're considering. When they're all minging and you would normally throw them in the bin, she started chucking them in the dishwasher. And so, I mean... Producer likes that. She's a bit pennywise. I thought it was a real game changer.

Well, can I just say... That's all I've got on that. What can I just say? If someone's pressuring her to economise... If we're having a chat about brushes, I feel like that's my best brush news. Can I just... Breaking brush news.

Well, I'd like to think that's why you've been together so long. Yeah. Well, I think I would chuck that. They start to get an odour that's inescapable after a while. No, it goes in the dishwasher, that odour. How do you keep it fresh in a marriage? Put it in the dishwasher.

So, yeah, so the red Melania's red trees, apparently a psychologist, did you read this, was talking about this, and he said there's an actual reason why they feel so jarring to people. Oh. And it's essentially, it's partly the obvious thing, we associate red with rage or shock. It's a sort of an alarming colour.

Yes. And without green, it feels sinister. The green is what makes it feel calming as a Christmas colour. And also red, like blood red trees don't occur in nature. Oh. Yes, exactly that. It is frightening. And so the red is, yeah.

It seems to herald the end of days in some way, doesn't it? On the subconscious level, I think. Jose Mourinho, Man United shirt. But she said in response to this I won't do the accent because people get in a

lot of trouble when they do her accent she said it's the 21st century that's correct people have

different news well she says it's the 21st century and everyone has different tastes but I like I'm a bit confused by this because I don't know if different tastes is exclusive to the 21st century.

I think people throughout history differed in opinions. Yeah. Perhaps. Well, I don't like... I just think, you know when someone is from a different country with different traditions? And she's from Slovenia, I believe. Yeah. Beautiful country, beautiful people.

Yeah. Lovely, wonderful. They're in great shape. Sometimes, like, Christmas is very about tradition, isn't it? And doing what feels right in different traditions. Right. And maybe blood red trees are normal in Slovenia. Are they normal in Slovenia? I don't know.

Do you know what I think? I think it's more shocking that people have seen Donald Trump's house. They know that his taste is essentially dictator chic. And they're surprised that his Christmas decor is a bit gaudy. Yeah, now he's president. I didn't think he'd like gaudy stuff. It seems odd. She said, I think they look fantastic.

I hope everyone will come over and visit. Which is a very different message that we've got from the Trump presidency up to now. But I welcome it. I think that's great news. You know what? They might be getting, at least they'll be getting some nice, you know, Russian dolls.

They'll be welcome in the White House, won't they? For sure. But I think, I feel sorry for her. I think we all feel sorry for her. Do we? Show of hands, who feels sorry for Melania? Or maybe text in on 81215. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

I want to talk a bit as well this morning as we're on the subject of Christmas. Apologies if you think we're being a bit previous. But... This is why we need a timetable. Oh, yeah. We need a Christmas decorations timetable. Maybe a Gantt chart for anybody that's...

Yeah, because that would really put the joy into a timetable. Nothing is as festive as a timetable. Love a spreadsheet of Christmas. So, Christmas decorations. Did you read this? A dying out, the traditional type of Christmas so Christmas decorations did you read this are dying out the traditional type of Christmas decoration that's right people are saying it's the fault of snowflakes which is a very Christmas II thing in itself but they mean in terms of like you know right on people who don't want oh they're changing them but well they're saying it's Millennials

essentially they're saying then there are so many sort of new Well, they're saying it's millennials, essentially, but they're saying there are so many sort of new, well, to me, they're young, these people, households, and they have a different approach to Christmas at Christmas. I'm going to start saying Christmas. And if anyone challenges me... Emily's on her fourth sherry this month.

I'm doing that thing of trying to sound sober. You know when people over articulate? My grandmother used to do that because she was an alcoholic. And she would always say, yes, I've arrived. Oh, no, you've had a few. So they are less likely now, people, to opt for your reindeer, your Santa. Any other Christmas icons you can think of?

Your Robin, maybe? Shepherds, wise Santa. Any other Christmas icons you can think of? Your robin, maybe? Shepherds, wise men. Fairies? Fairies on the top of the tree, is that a thing? That's still a thing, isn't it? Yes, I think it is. But, well, it was, I should say, because now... Angels.

The millennial, thank you. The millennials are going for unicorns, mermaids and woodland creatures. Put a pin in woodland creatures. And Prosecco. Prosecco. It's not even nice. I'm not a fan of the Prosecco on that.

I'd rather have a hot chocolate on the tree if the push came to shove. That reminds me of something Boy George said in the 80s. Is it? He was asked if he liked indulging in intimate activities. Oh, yeah. And he said, I'd rather have a cup of tea, to be honest. And then it later emerged, I think he was using it

to deflect perhaps from his sexuality. Ah. But it was, you know, it became a... Different times. Well, exactly. So woodland creatures, apparently the millennials like to hang a squirrel Or a badger On the tree

Not a real toy one Not like roadkill Or dolphins as well They love a dolphin Dolphins are not Christmassy What about flamingo? If you're worried about dolphins Who are you to say that dolphins aren't Christmassy?

Is there no Christmas for dolphins? Did Jesus not die for dolphins? I don't think he did. I mean, that's a deep theological question. What I would say, though, Gareth, is that these are Johnny-come-latelys, these woodland creatures, because your robins have done their time.

That's right. And the reindeers. Oh, I've got a croaky voice, hang on. Where were the squirrels in the stable? No woodland creatures in the stable. It's not their time. Not that we're aware of. It's not their time of year.

But I just don't know about this. I mean, apparently a quarter of homes will have unicorns. So one, two, three, there's five in this studio. Who's carrying this stuff? Well, there's five in this studio. Hands up who's got unicorns on their tree. No one. There you go.

I've not got the tree up yet, but time will tell. I'd like to know if I'll... If they're cheap enough, we'll get the unicorns, all right? Do you know what? When they become unfashionable next year, you'll have them, won't you? Yeah. You'll get them this year. I'd like people to text in on 8-12-15

if they've got unusual Christmas decorations, because maybe this is a thing. And sometimes, I don't know about you guys, but we had some odd decorations. Did you? Growing up. Well, we had, on our tree, we had a miniature Nigerian nude carving of a woman.

It was my grandmother's. It was a photo of me crying, having a tantrum, that my sister had cut out and put in a frame. Lovely. For some reason. And then I vaguely remember we had this, it was a 70s sort of novelty doll of a monk. It was called a Merry Monk.

Do you remember this? No. I don't want to go into it, but let's just say you pressed a button and he revealed more than was decent. OK? Sorry about that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Have we had any unusual Christmas decorations come in?

I'll tell you what, Emily Dean, you've lit up the switchboard with your request for weird Christmas decorations. Love it. I thought it would go absolutely nowhere. But I'm wrong. You've got to have faith. If you build it, they will come. There's tons.

Rare pessimism from Alan Conklin there. Festive pessimism, I like to think of it as. Alan's Christmas future doesn't even turn up. It's like, I couldn't, there was a nightmare with the trains. I couldn't, I just couldn't. Go on then. I'm not sure that's very professional for a DJ

to say, go on then. Go on then. Well then, 853, my girlfriend lost the star for the top of the tree when we were moving house. I found an old Hulk Hogan action figure in the loft. So now that sits on the top of the tree instead. Every year since, Liam in Barnsley.

Liam, I have to say, you've won so far. Hulk Hogan on the top of the tree. Does he have the scarf as well? Because he likes a scarf maybe to hide the hair, which might not all be there. 130 has texted, we have an insole with tinsel on. An insole?

An insole. My mum bought a pair, only needed one in her shoe, and I put the other one up on the wall as a joke when I was 10. I'm now 47, and the same festive inosol is still enjoyed by all every year. Okay, the cup has just switched over to you. Yeah. I mean an insole. Do you say insole or inosol?

It's the tinsel as well. Also, is it dirty? It sounds really nice. Is it still grimy? I think unused because the mother bought a pair but only used one. So I think that one was probably unused. She had one leg slightly longer than the other. I like that because you applied logic to that.

And I just went steaming into the insole. Those are great decorations. Yes, and I really like the idea that when you choose something like that, it becomes a Christmas tradition in itself. I think new traditions are lovely. 790, my son's made Father Christmases out of toilet roll middles at school in the 80s. All that's left now is the cardboard tube, but I still put them on my tree.

Just the plain cardboard tube? I like a toilet roll tree. There's something so heartwarming about that. I do think so. I enjoy it. It's not a time for sentiment. It's Christmas. Can I tell you who I think I don't want to presume anything,

but there's a woman who I think you'd like, Al. Is there? There was a grandma who was complaining about having... You heard the news. He only likes old men in vests. We've all got a type. There was a grandma who was complaining about having to feed her family. It was expensive,

so she decided to start charging them. £30 a head. Love her. She's a grandmother of four at 50. Can I just say I can't even get a WhatsApp returned. She charges them £30 each and she's tired of splashing out. Maybe WhatsApp

isn't quite the medium you need to be looking for possible. Yeah. I'm not saying I need to be careful. Don't know how I frame this suggestion.

I know what you're saying. What you're suggesting is I need to be using Quill. Maybe, yeah. Is it Quill? Yeah. I need to be going back to Quill.

Dear sir. Slide into some DMs as they say. Maybe a carrier pigeon. That's all I'm saying. Well, you know, I'll put one on the top of the tree. That's the way the millennials are going.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. Good FM. Absolute Radio. Good morning. I like it. I like it. Morning. You can text the show on 812.15, you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We're with you for another hour. That's professional. Did you like it? Very professional. Sounded like a pilot. I've never said that. Don't draw attention to it. You have to act like it's normal. Oh, OK. I won't. Yeah, I like it. It just came normally. Did you like that? Very professional. Sounded like a pilot. Ever said that? Don't draw attention to it. You've got to act like it's normal.

Oh, okay. I won't. Act like it just came normally. Did you like it? I really liked it. Okay, thank you. We were discussing that grandmother, aged 50,

who charges people 30 quid a head. Can you hurry up with the rest of the story? And I've noticed, Alan, that you've already set up a little shrine to that woman in the corner there. You've got a picture of her. Also, when you're going to say the grandmother who charges people 30 quid a head,

you need to say very quickly what it's for. For Christmas dinner. OK, thank you. Yes. Wayne Rooney, you know. We don't know for sure if it's just food. There might be drinks involved as well. Drinks are included.

Oh, they get drinks, do they? Yeah, drinks are included, yeah. Do they get, like, an all-inclusive wristband when they attend this dinner? She says she spends £500 on the spread. Right. Oh, does she, Buffalo? Hang on, between how many people? Liar.

There's not that many people. 30 doesn't... Hang on, hang on a second. She said... I'm turning into Frank, don't you, Buffalo? Hang on. She said it costs 500 quid, as you said. She needs a bit of help.

Yes. Well, what I would like to say is someone actually called her a skinflint, which I enjoyed. I can't find the jingle, but I do want to do a bit of a whatever happened to, because that is a whatever happened to because um that is a whatever happened to i think frank got called frank skinflint didn't he for going on an easy jet

flight once did he um yeah back in the day but i think um i think that's fine isn't it if she's saying hey why don't you guys all chip in yeah i think that's alright. I don't actually. You don't? No. People are very divided about it. Some people think it's outrageous. I think they just don't like the cold-eyed talk about finances being part of... I found it. What happened?

The word skin flint. Okay. Sorry. Because I think it would be like what you'd normally in the family if it was like a big do you'd probably just arrange something quietly between yourselves where you'd contribute or people would bring something but she's just being very upfront about it i mean i don't think she's making a profit is she well i think she is you think she's making absolutely do because what's this food like 30 quid a head yeah that's a lot. £120 for a family of four?

That could be really high level, that food, yeah. And is service included? Well, she says they're going to be drinking all day, though, so that's the whole day covered. They sound like nice families. I bet they don't have rows. Unresolved issues coming to the surface. It's going to be like an R&B video at that.

They've got the Cristal crystal they see me rolling they hate it she said her fridge was fit to burst i did i saw her talking about this on this morning she said my fridge well she's from yorkshire actually that is one of the difficulties of christmas gatherings though isn't it because your general like fridge and freezer aren't big enough for when you're feeding double figures. And there's no give in a fridge, is there? If you really pack it full, there's no... She used a strange analogy.

She had a metaphor on this morning. I wanted to run this past you. I mean, I need to do a Yorkshire accent. You're from Yorkshire. Shall I say it and then you say it? If you like. Because you're from Yorkshire... It kills a bit of time.

It does a bit, and then I won't get complaints and and hate mail she said this she said my fridge was fit to burst it was like trying to to get quilt into tumble dryer okay alan please say in yorkshire my fridge was fit to burst it was like trying to get quilt into tumble dryer i'm not sure that worked do you like that she's got a good turn of phrase i like her uh Could we try that once more? We'll fix it in post. Can we turn up the funny on this, guys? I'm just not sure about that comparison. Because a quilt is a malleable, sort of soft object.

Yeah, don't put it in a tumble dryer. And also it would fit, eventually. And interesting because quilts are often stuffed with the feathers of a bird. So I imagine the actual carcass of the bird was in the fridge rather than... I mean, Philip Schofield didn't give it... He didn't come back with her with any of this. For anyone who is struggling to find fridge space, may I recommend putting the drinks in a big bucket outside?

Back door, a lot of nodding. A lot of nodding in the studio. What about thieves? Like in bottles or just pour it all into the bucket? What about thieves? Yes. People are scouring back gardens for bottles of, like, cooking lager.

Yeah. Don't worry about thieves, Em. They can probably just steal another fridge. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, it's the foxes as well. Yeah, I don't think they drink. Well, you haven't met the foxes in my neighbourhood.

They've got a bottle opener. A foxy bingo in a silk waistcoat. We should say, this story ended happily because she got given a free hamper on this morning. Did she? Filled with Baileys, cheeses, wines. That's good. That's nice.

Is she reducing the price then because of all that? No, she's sold that on eBay and she's keeping the Christmas dinner as planned well also what a lovely Christmas she's going to have now that she's

trash talked them on ITV perfect Merry Christmas everyone Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio and we're still getting text messages in with people's unusual Christmas tree decorations that have become accidental family traditions. Oh, go on. I want to hear... Oh, because I didn't mention, we also had Strongman with leopard print sort of loincloth,

corkscrew as angel. He sounds nice. Yeah. Just stick a vest on him and he's my type. angel. He sounds nice. Just stick a vest on him and he's my top. 548 has texted Christmas tree decks, dash huns with

Santa hats, Homer Simpson and C3PO. ID withheld through fear of mocking but these are all genuine tree decorations here in a coastal town in Essex. Really? Sounds good. I like it. Yeah. And I like just the tantalising details of his life,

that he won't tell us who he is, but he lives in a coastal town in Essex. You're a real enigma, mate. I like ID Withheld. Yeah. I enjoy that. That's good. Gareth. Hmm?

I do this little bit now where I'm on That's Life. Get over to Gareth now. As the guest, I feel I've told you about my week. What's been happening with you? What's been happening? Well, the readers will know about my ongoing struggles of brotherly jealousy. Okay, yeah.

And I think it's important to talk about these things just to get them out in the open. So this week, I know we don't plug our own stuff on this show, but I've released a YouTube video called Disappointing Towels. Search for it on YouTube. It's a new music video for my new song. Disappointing who? Towels.

Towels. Towels. Disappointing Towels. I thought you said towns. I think it might be right up your street, Alan. Disappointing Towels. It's about being disappointed about a towel I bought on the internet. I like Disappointing Cowl.

It could be an autobiography title for a failed X Factor contestant. I've seen your video. I enjoyed it enormously. Thank you very much. You didn't like it or anything. I've been checking. No retweet from him, but that's fine. It does turn you into a monster, these things.

I saw it on YouTube, not via the socials. Perhaps we could retweet it. So you put this up and you're proud. Big news, isn't it? Big news for me. Big news for Gareth. You've done a video. Oh, no.

My mum and dad, I tried to show it to them, but my mum is too busy posting on Facebook, my brother this week, the film he worked on, The Rider, my good-looking brother, Josh. If anyone's not familiar with Gareth's brother, Josh, I once was in New York and Gareth said to me my brother's over

there oh you guys should meet up and he said did you hear from my brother and I said oh no I didn't he never got back to me

he said I'm really sorry he's too good looking to call back okay so this is what we're dealing with with Josh and he's super talented

they won the Gotham Independent best film, Best Picture, which... Is it a Batman film? No, but it's a big award. Commissioner Gordon. Sort of a big pre-Oscars film award. All right. He's going to get an Oscar, isn't he?

Last year, Moonlight won. What's his job again? A little movie called Moonlight. Last year, Moonlight won, right? That's a big deal. Call me by your name last year, the year before Moonlight. Last year, Moonlight one, right? That's a big deal. Call me by your name last year, the year before Moonlight. So basically, and then,

which is big news, and can I say I'm very, very proud at the same time as dealing with all sorts of emotions. So, and then my dad sends me this article from the Hollywood reporter, the Feinberg forecast, updated Oscar standings post Gotham award ceremony.

So it's predictions for the films that are going to be nominated for an Oscar. And he's got the rider in best picture category. The rider is in the possibility sections. There's front runners, major threats, possibilities. And the rider is in the possibility section. There's frontrunners, major threats, possibilities. And the rider is in the possibility section for getting nominated for best picture at the Oscars.

Wow. But what's his role on it been, though? Alan, I mean, if that wasn't exciting enough, if you scroll down to best cinematography section... Oh, yeah. I wish not to be nominated for that. Which, by the way, I wouldn't. This is just predictions, by the way, at this point.

He says, my brother is one of the frontrunners, according to his predictions, to be nominated for Best Cinematographer. I like that he keeps talking about his predictions like he's Justin Topo. In The Rider. My predictions are...

So you're feeling... We need to... A mix of emotions. Okay. I can sort of guess what those emotions might be, but we're going to... We have responsibilities now, music and ads. So I'm going to let you sit with that for a bit

and we'll return to the subject of your brother. Okay? Yeah. Are you okay? Well, yeah, let's talk through the song a bit i think he's okay ish i'm i'm fine okay it's not your fault frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio so gareth yeah well thanks for that m and did this brief counseling session in the break and i feel much better about it now. I'm glad to hear that.

About your brother and his success. No, it's fine. Sorry I've not helped. It's okay. It's all fine. And your brother, yeah, I think we have to accept he's going to go stratospheric. I mean, we're all running our own race, aren't we?

It's not a competition about who's the best. Yeah. Thank goodness. But yes, it's good there's some oh this is why i wanted to ask your opinion about on relationship issues okay because you know how al's your man for that you accept not sure you accept something as normal in your life and then something happens to make you question it so i did a gig yes i've been out with him i did a gig in in essex and one of the comedians,

you know, I'm driving round London to get back to Bournemouth, and I said, oh, I'll give you a lift back home. He lived in South London. I like to, you know, I think, you know, pay it forward. Nice. Do nice things for people. Yeah, he could go massive, that comic. Yeah, yeah.

You never know, do you? Can we know who he is now? Let's keep him anonymous. Yeah, let's keep him anonymous. let's keep him anonymous ID withheld Al for as long as possible yeah yeah like you know while he might do really well

and that could help me I also don't want to help yeah no apart from giving him a lift home yeah so come on and so he was talking

I just want to I like the sound of this story he'd recently he was engaged but his girlfriend called it off because she wasn't quite sure and you know working through some things,

didn't know, you know, but they're still getting married, but just maybe a bit later, so I was talking to her. And then my phone rings. Oh, yeah. In the car phone, which is always a bit awkward, isn't it? And it's Laura, my wife. Oh, yeah. And so darling wife comes up on the screen.

Did it say darling wife? Oh, that's sweet. Seems nice until someone else sees it. Like online when people call their kids DD, Darling Daughter, or DS, or DH, Darling Husband. Yeah, but Gareth is genuine. Yeah. And so she says, I say, oh, well, no.

She says, so why are you in Tower Hamlets? And I say, oh, just to let you know, I'm in the car with the comedian Ian Smith. Oh, wait, I'll just let you know I'm in the car with the comedian Ian Smith. Oh, wait, I'm not saying his name. He's no lovely guy. And a great guy.

Very funny man. He's in great shape. Great shape. I know he's not. No, I'm sure he is. I don't know him. Her favourite app at the moment is Find Friends.

Oh, so she's spying on you. So she has it so that when I i'm because she worries about me when i'm away on gigs um so it's very nice for her in the middle of the night if she wakes up to be able to see exactly where i am so she doesn't worry yeah it's all gonna be glenn close fatal attraction i'm not gonna Gareth. However, in those circumstances... You can just treat me like a piece of trash? Throw me out with your garbage? Suddenly, when I'm in the car with another person

and she phones to ask me why I have departed from the expected route that she was expecting me to drive home and in a slightly different part of London than the one she calculated, it did seem a bit stalkery. It does seem a bit. I'm not going to be ignored, Gareth. How do we think about that?

Well, Alan... And obviously he was engaged and so I don't want to, you know, paint a picture of marriage that it's... All I'm going to say... Chokingly claustrophobic and that you can't... Can I just say something at this point? He was engaged.

Okay? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I think we should talk about knickers, guys. Lovely scythe, guys. Oh, yes. Alan, it's a family show. Like, please can we keep your personal inclinement? I mean, we've heard about the old men in vests.

Who's writing for you both this week? Basil Brush's writers. Nickers, if you don't know, is a giant cow. How dare you? Who's made the news this week for being, amongst other things, taller than Michael Jordan, apparently. Yeah. It says in the paper.

For the young people, that's a... Is it a basketball player? Arguably the best basketball player ever, isn't it? I know, but some of the young people, they don't. Excuse me, I'm going to clear my throat, because people get really annoyed about vocal fry these days, don't they? I don't know why, Stephen. When people talk like this, they do that all the time.

He's actually a steer, isn't he? You are. Oh, right, yeah. That's a male without a... Nickers is a male. Has been neutered. Of course. All right.

I was going to say, there's no gentleman's excuse me there, is there? No. It's just that there's no paraphernalia. Can I say that in my empathy for Nickers in this story, I just think it would have been nicer for him if we all just left that detail out of the situation. Because I think if you're going to be in the news, do you know whether there's that one thing you'd prefer everyone wasn't talking about?

And I think it's that issue. Well, he's gone viral, we should say, in case anyone's on the way. I thought you'd had it removed. Also, when talking about a cow going viral. Yeah. We should say he hasn't got any diseases. He's really tall. He's six foot four.

This is a weird bit of this story, though, because I think you're meant to think, oh, what a really tall cow. And actually, what I thought was, oh, Michael Jordan was only six foot four. That's not very tall for a basketballer. It's not. They're normally seven footers. It's only an inch taller than me.

So it's had the reverse effect on me, this story, because I've spent most of my time thinking about how short Michael Jordan is for being the best basketball player ever. And also, he weighs the same as a Mini Cooper. Well, again, I think it's a bad comparison to... Because some of the morbidly

obese would weigh that. Also, if you're trying to talk about something weighing a lot don't compare it to anything with the word mini in the title because it slightly negates it what about mini mouse she's small small but stocky i would say slightly britney spears thing going on yes um would we say um i mean he why he won people's hearts was essentially because of his difference, wasn't it? He was standing next to loads of others. Standing next to loads, they were Wagyu.

There's a very engaging picture of him in a herd of brown cows, and he's a black and white cow, and he is towering over those other cows. Yeah. He looked very cold, yeah. Bit of fun. Bit of fun. Bit of fun.

Race to the punchline. I'm in the ways. Bit of fun. I mean, the thing is, what I would

say about him, I liked him and I was just really getting very fond of knickers. And then... Help yourselves to punchlines there. But not to knickers. And then... Help yourselves to punchlines

there. But not to knickers. And then along came Dozer. Oh, Dozer. And there's always one who spoils it all. Yeah. Do you know about Dozer? Yeah. Would you care to explain, one of you? He's the bigger cow, isn't it? Like, you know, you can't have anything nowadays.

Who's the bigger cow? Text in on A5. They're like buses, aren't they? You know, people say, oh, look at this picture of a really big cow. And everyone goes, wow, that is a really big cow. And then someone has to be like, we've got a bigger cow than that. But they don't have a picture of it

next to some smaller cows. Absolute Radio tweeted that about me. Nicker's owner, Jeff Pearson, said, he's from Australia, and I will do an Australian accent because I'm half Antipodean, thank you. He said, and I can't believe he said this, it's all out of control.

I've been called every ten minutes since four o'clock this morning. Now, what I would say to that is, isn't it awful when you see publicity and it pays off? You released that photo, Jeff Pearson. You knew what you were doing. Yeah, have a think. But he then said something interesting.

He said, obviously he's gained some stardom. That's changed his identity a little bit. We'll have to see what happens with that. What do you think he's going to do? Get a Lambo and start getting groupies? He's wearing sunglasses, walking about like he owns the place. My drug shame, Nickers the cow. I liked it when he said that he's part of the furniture

and I did think he would make a really good sofa. Oh, my God. We're talking about Nickers this morning on Absolute Radio. Oh, not just knickers. Yeah, used to it. Dozer as well. Dozer. The other big cow that came along.

The bigger cow. Bigger. Who's the bigger cow? The farmer said something that I didn't really like. He said he's not very intimidating at all except for his size. If you stood next to him, he'll just lie down next to you. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, I don't like it.

Which part is this? My picture does are all sort of come hitherish, like with one hand behind her head like that. Is it a he? Like coquettish. I don't like to see a giant cow looking cartoon coquettish. You don't want a giant cow looking at you with those cow eyes. No, exactly. The heart would melt. cartoon coquettish you don't want a giant cow looking at you with those cow eyes exactly do

you imagine melt do you imagine the cow imagine if it had a string vest on gareth i mean do you imagine the cow being a fhm pose yeah one of those lads magpies don't want that from a cow i can't do new lads i don't think you've got it on him today isn't he's Randy. I mean there's nothing like saying it out loud. I thought you might offer a euphemism. I was waiting. What's he going to go for? How's anything? He came out straight out with a Randy Newman.

Dozer's from Manitoba. I was going to say gave him the horn but... Dozer's from Manitoba. Dozer is from Manitoba Dozer is from Manitoba who pressed that Daisy leave that button alone Dozer is from Manitoba

is this a tongue twister no and he's six foot five this is an interesting Miss World

shut up about Dozer we didn't say Nickers was the biggest cow in the world we just said he's a very big cow. Oh, we've got a bigger cow? No one asked if you had a bigger cow.

We're just noticing this big cow. Thank you, again. It's not a competition, you know. Just because one brother... Cow, sorry, I'm getting... We should say that the reason that they are this size is that they suffer I believe from some

sort of genetic disorders oh that's nice so that's not a nice note to end on yeah I was going to say that's a strange note to end on well only possibly well the other lovely note

is just normally you don't let cows live that long and they've only grown that big because they weren't it has been marvellous this morning I've really enjoyed myself with you boys. Thank you, Gareth Richards. Thank you.

Thank you, Alan Cochran. Thank you, Emily Dean. I will be seeing... It's all gone very formal. I know, but I quite like that. I'm pretending it's a proper show. Be seeing you. Yes, I said it first.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.