The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Flexi Time

Episode Date: June 16, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss the World Cup opening ceremony and start a new feature - Questiano Ronaldo. They also chat about Frank's walking holiday and electric carving knives.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, that'd be a nice thing to do. Or you can follow the show on Twitter if you're a bit more modern world. At Frank on the radio you'll need then. Or you can email us if you're a traditionalist. Oh, I can't even say that. If you're old-fashioned.

You can email us over the Absolute Radio website. Yeah, we've got a website. I think you did well on traditionalist and then you reversed out of it. And at least you didn't say, oh, put my teeth back in. I just remembered that. You know when people say that. It's a breakfast TV. In Kenneth Williams' diaries, he said,

and then we did the traditional. It was a sort of a code word. It sort of spoiled the whole thing for me. Oh, what a lovely opening. Anyway, that's awesome. Oh, why? Why, aye? In a swift topic change,

Henners from Gravesend has been in touch. Morning, Frank and the gang. Whatever happened to... Morning, Henners. ...football managers conducting interviews out of their car windows? Oh. Well, I think Harry Redknapp still does that.

Right, OK. But, yeah, it has... Generally, I think the car window interview has disappeared from modern television. It has, hasn't it? It's a shame. Yeah, I think people now realise you can just keep driving, it doesn't look too bad,

but I think people felt an obligation. Do you think also people in the public eye are less keen to have their cars on so that people know, like if... Like I know Harry Redknapp drives whatever it was that he had like a black Merc We did a thing on Fantasy Football which is a show

I did many years ago kids and That's the Fantasy Football gong We've got a gong for it now That's the nostalgia gong that we have on this show. Can we just explain what that is? That is the producer has a pint glass next to her,

but don't worry, everyone, it's just got water in it. Leave it. Or it could be vodka. She's rinsing it out. Oh, neat. You were saying? So I can't remember who it was. I think it was someone like Glenn Hartle or someone.

I can't remember, but they were driving into a training ground and we spotted that their tax disc was out of date and exposed them on the show. I called Cristiano Ronaldo. That was me. Tax thing. Oh, yeah. I'm like, you know that bloke that used to track down

all the old Nazis' voice and time? I'm like that with the tax people? Of course, the younger readers of the show will be going, tax disc, what are they? Do you know how to get those anymore? Gone. No. Oh, God. But not forgotten.

You don't need the visual aid of the tax disc. It's like the VHS all over again with you in it. Yeah, I did not know the tax disc had gone. Shocker. It's like my driver this morning saying, oh, you'll be playing CDs then this morning. Well, my driver. My driver. Let's talk about our drivers.

My driver. We get a mini cabin. Don't build it up. But anyway, this bloke, suddenly he braked. Do you brake or do you broke? He braked. He braked.

And I thought, oh God, a dog maybe has run across the road he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he

he he he he he he he he

he he he he he he he he

he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he Oh. And I thought, okay, fair enough. And then we went, oh, another one. I thought, hold on a minute. First of all, okay, if that was the first read-up you'd ever seen, I could forgive you, but you've already forgotten about the phenomenon

and break suddenly at the next one. He did it about four times. Did he do it four times, though, Frank? Yes. Okay, okay. About four times. He did it three times. But what was the problem?

Remember when my dog used to sit on the front step and every time a bird went over, it would look up in absolute shock. Do you remember the last bird that went over? Anyway. Oh, speaking of dogs, I did, you know Emily Dean does a podcast called... I do, I do.

Talking the Dog. Talkie Walkie. It's not called that. You kept calling it that on the podcast day. It ought to be called Talkie Walkies, I think. But anyway, it's called Walking the Dog. So I did it this week. It's on air.

What did you say, on air? It's one of my favourites. What's the phrase? It's gone out. Yeah, launched, released. If it's out there now. Is it online? It's out now. It out. Yeah, launched, released. If it's out there now, is it online? It's out now.

It dropped. Yeah. It dropped. A pair of new trainers around the corner. That worried me where that was going. I can't... I'll be all right in a minute. Wow.

Yes, it dropped. It dropped this week. I can't praise my own product Because we don't do praise You can praise I can praise you Can I praise No I may be No don't praise me

But it was It was very I took a dog for a walk Which I haven't done for a long time Yeah Good innit Yeah I used to just leave them

You know I used to Tie them up on my screen For people Yeah you had sort of Self caring dogs You know what I like Frank There was a dog walk A stroke hit man You tie them up on my screen for people. Yeah, you had sort of self-caring dogs in your youth. You know what I like, Frank?

There was a dog walker stroke hitman. You'd tie him up by the side of an A road. Frank, you know what I like? Is that when the guest comes on the podcast, they pick out a quote, the Times, to promote it. And they had something for Frank, such as something along the lines of, in my day, we gave them scraps.

They were better for it, the dogs, more appreciative. I don't know, Clem, you see some fat dogs about now. They've been overindulged. True. My dog's gluten-free, it's ridiculous. That what? Ridiculous. Really?

What a world. My dog used to go and bark outside the butchers until they'd come out of the bone. He'd bark aggressively. I said, probably, come on! For the bloke to come out with a bone. He said to me, your dog's always barking outside my shelter. You need to feed him.

And then years later, somebody said, it's a myth about dogs and the carnivores. My dogs are vegetarian and they appreciate that better. I said, well, my dog never, ever balked outside the green grubs. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got a question for you, Frank. Oh, I love a quiz.

Come through in the email it's an email titled Dame Joan Bakewell loves and quote and then it goes a bit gobbledygooky

anyway dear Frank Emily and Alan whilst listening to BBC's Front Row podcast recently ooooh an infinitely

poorer cultural experience than Frank's show it says further praise redacted. I think they're flattering you and us rather than slagging off. I don't think they're stepping to front row. I was quite amazed to hear Dame Joan Bakewell

extolling the virtues of the so-called popular musical Hamilton, which, as we all know, following Frank's review is, quote, awful, unquote. I was then astounded when she said... Some people apparently do like it. I was then astounded when she said she had not met anyone who has a bad thing to say about it. Oh, well, I haven't seen her for a while. He says, whatever do Frank and Dame Joan talk about when they meet? No, I haven't seen her for a while. He says, whatever do Frank and Dame Joan talk about when they meet?

No, I haven't seen her for a while. She is Charles. Because I was due to meet a couple of weeks ago, and then I blew her out for Have I Got News For You. Oh. She was okay with it. Right. So I don't think I've had the Hamilton conversation with her,

but it'll be a tense one. I love her very much, but she doesn't like being disagreed with. Oh, really? No. Imagine that, Frank. Yeah? We've had... I don't know how people get through life like that.

Yeah, it must be awful. We've had a... Well, I mean, I think this is OK to tell you this. OK. I don't know. Is it criticism? It's not criticism, but it's very direct. I thought you were going to say as such then.

It's not criticism as such. It's to do with your tax disc. Oh, yeah. It's costing slight aspersions on your lifestyle. Okay. Frank Skinner broadcasts to the nation every Saturday but doesn't know we no longer have tax discs. They've been gone three years.

Does he ride a bike to work? No, I have one of those coffers. You know those coffers people put on their car? I don't know those. I have one of those. With those raised sections for the wing mirrors, you know those?

Like Batman, it's like a Batman mask. Do they buy them at I mean, who gets those? Do you get them as Christmas presents? Or do they just go... Imagine if you got that. I was told that you didn't... That if you tax this, if it ran out...

I'll come back to the criticism in a minute. I'm fine with it. PJ Freer is the critic. Okay. Constructive. Constructive critic. Yeah. Yeah.

I was always told that if you wore one of those covers on the car, if the car wore one of those covers, that you didn't need to be up-to-date tax-wise. I don't think it's right. When people say that if you put a carrier bag over your licence plate, the police aren't allowed to move it off and stuff like that. It's one of those. And also, if you put a carrier bag over your head, what...

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, hold on. I'll tell you after. I'll tell you after. I don't trust it. You've been hanging out with me. The reason I didn't... You know, my PA deals with all that stuff.

That's the bottom line. I mean, I could make some excuse, but that's it. And she, you know, I expected to keep me informed on major changes in the modern world just for a moment, popular cultural reference. She hasn't got back to me on it. She's changed it. Missed an email three years ago.

Yeah. She's in serious trouble today. I mean, I can't believe it. And that is one of the things that's gone wrong with the world is a lack of PA feedback. Pete Townshend was saying this to me just the other day. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. Pete Townshend was saying this just the other day. We've actually had a World Cup big moment in. Ah.

Since that, I mean... World Cup big moment. Segway being a football song. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Here's a World Cup themed big moment for uh big moment again a big moment is when you say something you don't think other people know and everybody knows it um so they continue when the ball comes down off the crossbar and someone announces that the whole of the ball has to cross the whole of the line yeah even my nana knows that rule and she doesn't watch football

um i had this exact conversation with my son and my in-laws yesterday and I don't think any of them knew that the hole of the ball had to cross the hole of the line. Wow. I have witnessed several professional football officials who do not seem clear about that. So I don't know if it's as generally known as you might think

they then continue PS ole ole ole ola we're going to bring that world cup back from over there

what kind of rhyme is that I don't know that's from that's a Rod Stewart Scotland World Cup song they didn't bring it

back from over there no they did not I think I'd have heard. I had a Whatever happens to Flexi time. Oh. I remember it used to be the future. It was the future. It was the future. Flexi time. People would say

to me, are we doing Flexi time? I went in 10 o'clock the other morning. Yeah. I just worked an hour later. It's fine. I thought, well, this, I can't believe this is happening. I thought, and they were saying they'll change everything now, flexi time. People have been working through the night, if it suits them.

I think it has changed everything, hasn't it? Has it? Aren't we all on flexi time now? I'll have to ask my PR. Well, I don't think, no. Flexi time, isn't it? I think it's more remote working. Oh. Do you see? So we've traded flexi time isn't a thing. It's more remote working. Oh, that, of course.

So we've traded flexi time with all this hope just for chronic isolation. Flexi time sounded a bit 70s, like flexi. It's a bit like when aerobics first came in. So now they have remote. Whenever I've been in any kind of office environment. And what's that? Well, I mean, sometimes I go into writing to an office.

And anyone says, yeah, I mean, sometimes I go into write to an office or something like that. And anyone says, yeah, I'm working from home tomorrow, I think deck chair in the garden. I always check to see if it's a one-day international. People don't work from, I mean, they just don't. Also, do you like Frank's idea of how people spend their leisure time

in a deck chair? What, with a hanky on their head? Well, not necessarily on their head. But I do think, yeah, I think if you work from home full time, you must work from home. But people in the office who say, tomorrow I'm going to work from home, they do nothing. I mean, nothing.

That's my theory. I mean, I've been wrong about things before, obviously. Hank, Ross Humphries has got in touch. Whatever happened to electric carving knives? Oh, wow, yes. It's a good one. I'm going to give him the ultimate award.

Yeah, there you have gone. A nice, I mean, they had everything. I used one once on a Christmas turkey. Oh, man, went through the,

straight through the, you know, the shoulder joint. It's going to be tricky. Are they noisy, Frank? They're a little bit noisy. Is it a bit leaf blower? No, they're not that bad.

I mean, the neighbours might wonder what's going on next door. I'd say decibel wines. They're below leaf blower and definitely below one of those really noisy hand dryers. OK. I believe you said that. I thought you were going to say something else. Yeah, I was going to say about that, yeah. Oh, OK. But you're quite right. I believe you said that. I thought you were going to say something else. Yeah, I was going to say that.

Oh, okay. Yeah. But you're quite right. People must still have them. Mm. Yeah. And similar for ages. They were the sort of thing,

if there would be a little station in a store, someone would be demonstrating it. Yeah, exactly. Could you get electric forks as well? Did they exist? You wouldn't want that. They had like jabbing prongs.

I remember those. Imagine the prongs going out like a snake tongue prong on it. It'd just come out. But why would you have that? So there was Russian roulette every time you ate something? What I'd like is a sort of harpoon. To throw back your throw out. You know when you fire a harpoon and the string's on the end?

You could do that. So if you wanted a spud and the string's on the end? You could do that. So if you wanted a spot from the other side of the table, fire the end of the fork and then draw it in. Electric fork? Turn mealtimes into sort of fishing. There might be something in it. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. You can get... I'm so sorry, Frank, but this news just in from the real Joe H. You can get rotating forks to eat spaghetti. Hashtag lazy. Oh, yes, I've seen those. Yeah. Not a bad idea. Yeah.

I just... Presume you have to Switch them off though Will that Would they just keep Rotating as you eat The spaghetti You'd be switching them On and off all the time Yeah

So you just sort of Grab passing spaghetti As it spins Exactly yeah Or just learn to eat Properly It'd be like eating off Eating off a spool

Yeah Eating off an active spool of some kind. Some sort of bobbin. Anyway, I went walking this week. Oh, yeah. How was that? I did, I think, 49 miles in three days. Wow.

Me and my partner. Did the weather hold up? We've got to ask that, haven't we? Did the weather hold up? We've got to ask that, haven't we? Did the weather hold up? People ask that. The weather did. It held up. Lovely.

Yes. I tell you what, we walked a thing called the Ridgeway. You familiar with it? No. I didn't know you were crossing that. It's a sort of a... A lot of it is a that. It's a sort of a... A lot of it is a ridge.

It's a raised sort of... I think it's Bronze Age in origin. Where are we talking in the country? Well, we started in Goring. Then we went through Goebbels, down to Himmler. And we came at... They're going to use that clip. Julia Stryker, we emerged. They're just going to use that clip of Alan laughing at Himmler and we came at Julia Stryker we emerged.

They're just going to use that clip of Alan laughing at Himmler. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, Goring was where we started and then we ended up at Ivinghoe Beacon.

Do you know it? No. Okay, it's a biggie. So what do you do then? Do you just walk? Oh, we just walk do you stop for a ploughman's

sure we didn't have a ploughman's we went through Tring which of course is the home of the big

bicycle bell factory is it really it ought to be it really ought to be but it isn't it could be I didn't see Tring

I had a mate who who was an expert to be but it isn't now. It could be. I didn't see it. Tring, I had a mate who was an expert on place names in Worcestershire. Oh yeah. And it is the least romantic pastime anyone can have because there'd be a place called Wild Dog and you'd

say, oh wow, there must have been a big... And he'd say, yeah, wild comes been a big and he'd say yeah wild comes from the Anglo-Saxon well and dog comes from deary and it means deep mud and they all mean that and tring means slope where trees grow

they all mean stuff like that so painfully unromantic but the Ridgeway is like have you ever seen a ke keloid cesarean scar when it's slightly raised up yeah it's like that it's like if you can imagine two ants walking along one of them that's what being i like to think i get most of your references well i think i know a keloid well there used to be a thing in the Reader's Digest called Towards More Picturesque Speech, and I always found it very inspirational.

Anyway, we crossed the Chequers estate. Did you? Oh, did you? Yeah, which is obviously the country home of the Prime Minister. Is there lots of security there then? There was not as much as I expected. There was a lot of CCTV, but I mean, there's a public footpath. I saw the gate.

Kat said, there's the main gate over there, look. I said, well, that doesn't make sense. Why is the main gate there and the house there? I don't realise we're inside the main gate, just walking through the path. Shut up. And I saw a bloke on our way across the thing. I didn't realise we were at Chequers,

and then there was a bloke who was dressed all in brown, taking lots of videos and stuff. And I thought, all in brown, a bit suspicious. Obviously, like, trying to be like a tree. Yeah. You wouldn't be noticed. A bit 70s football manager, I would have thought. He had a green afro.

Right. And, yeah, I was a bit suspicious that he might have been. But, I mean, they've got cameras. It wasn't my responsibility to make a citizen's arrest. No, you can't arrest someone just for wearing brown. But did you feel that exact... I said, we just walked across the path right next to it, inside the war.

Right. Do you think there's a chance they might have seen you and clocked you and the cloak of celebrity granted you access no I think I'm sorry the anorak or cagoule of celebrity cagoule of celebrity

granted you immediate access well I looked straight into the camera good for you yeah because I thought I'll you know

be at some event they probably had a long day sitting in that room looking at the CTV you know you do some material it's a bit of a thrill. Yeah.

They probably don't get much celeb spotting on the checkers when there's nobody there inside. I mean they'll get someone from the mayor of Nairobi or something like that but they won't get much proper TV. They won't get proper celebrities.

No, no, they won't get much of that. I hope that went. No, no, I get much of that. I hope that went down well in the room. Send us a grab. Send us a grab if you're listening. 8.15.

Just send us a grab. I don't think I've ever heard you use grab quite. No. And I don't. Be careful of

that. Be careful of that one. It's a proper cat sitter. I don't think it'd be a really big house. Oh, really? Shackles. The Prime Minister proper cat sitter. I didn't think it'd be around a big house. Oh, really?

Checkers. The Prime Minister's gone, do you think he'd be in some sort of shack? I thought it'd be massive. Unless you think it'd be like Angela's Ashes or something. It's very drafty, apparently. Is it? Checkers.

Oh. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text from 700 who says, Just checked.

They still sell electric carving knives. Slightly concerned, Google brought up one that plugs into the car cigarette lighter. What's the story there? OK, kids, we're going to have a turkey in the lay-by. car cigarette lighter. What's the story there they had? Okay kids, we're going to have a turkey in the lay-by. I mean, that's everything I love in one text.

Yeah, that sort of serial killer accessories. Wow. The idea of still having the cigarette lighter as well. Imagine doing hand signals with an electric carving knife. Someone sent in a picture of an electric carving knife. Yeah. Someone sent in a picture of their electric carving knife.

Oh, still using it. This is from Anne. She says, 39 years married and still have original electric knife. That's great. Great thing. Orange and cream coloured. No need, Anne. I can see the picture.

But it's a lovely one. No, no, but she's radio away. Oh, I'd love her. She's more radio away. Yeah, 39 years. I'm going to say, I radio aware. Oh, I'd love her. She's more radio aware than me. Yeah, 39 years. I'm going to say, I bet they don't make them like that anymore. What, are you saying that about Anne? No, the electric carving knife. I bet if you got one now, it's probably five years at best.

Aye. Before it breaks. Are you referring to built-in obsolescence? Yeah. Okay. I love it when you say that. Well, Anne, drop us a text when your 40th anniversary happens

and we'll sing something relevant. Yeah. But lovely. About the election carving knife. Yeah, give us a carving knife update. Be sad if it doesn't make the big 4-0, the carving knife. You could use it as a manual.

You ever done that? You're cleaning your teeth and halfway through it dies. You just carry on with it. Yeah. They're rubbish as a manual. You ever done that? You're cleaning your teeth and halfway through it dies. You just carry on with it. They're rubbish as a manual. They are. 504, reflexy time. I still love a re on a text.

Reflexy time. Reflex. I work for an international German business. Reflexy time is when the doctor hits your knee with a hammer. Very boring. I work for an international, not me, this is the texter.

I work for an international German business. I wish I did. International German. Well, so do we. Who apparently offers... Yes. We're owned by Germans.

That's the old that he's talking about. Who apparently offers 45 different flexible working arrangements to suit your lifestyle. My dad also owns an electric carving knife used every Christmas. So this whole show must feel specially for that guy.

Yeah. It's a bespoke show. 5-0-4. So flexi-time is still happening. Apparently. Apparently so. In the German businesses. Yeah, you wouldn't think they'd be so flexible.

No. 398 says, My boss used to they'd be so flexible. No. 398 says, my boss used to call it sleeping from home. Oh. I bet he was a card. I think he might be in trouble now. He was about used to, like, if you leaned away, he'd say,

oh, nice to see you back. When you turn your back around. I bet he was that guy. I love him already. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. I love him already. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner. Is that how I do it? Yeah. It was quite Dr. Seuss, which I liked. I am Frank Skinner, and I am with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8- 81215 if you'd like communication

or you can follow the show on Twitter, Frank on the radio, you know Twitter, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yes, website. We've had a text in this morning, Frank. Good. Regarding the World Cup. The World Cup.

There's a connexione to the World Cup. Okay. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, now the World Cup okay dear Frank Alan and Emily now that World Cup fever is in full swing I would like to suggest a new category of

World Cup big moments my personal favourite Ronaldo is named after Ronald Reagan by his father

you know what I didn't know that I didn't know that either I've had a quick check and it's true I thought he was

named after Ronnie Ronaldo the stage whistler. Boy, I want to let the radio tribute to Ronnie Rinald, the stage whistler there. I thought he was named after Ron Atkinson, and it's for length leather. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was Ronald McDonald. Anyway, it was Ronald Reagan. So that's not a big moment, C. Hughes from London.

I'm sorry, because not enough people know it. No, it's actually a fascinating fact. Well done. That's the slippery slope that a big moment can take, isn't it? I saw there was a headline, I think, in the Sun today when they called him Chris. Oh. And he never gets called Chris,

does he? Chris Ronaldo, he's a good player. That sounds like he works in a garage or something which I quite like. I can't think of anyone else that will be

with a four syllable first name. Yeah. And you notice I said first name, not Christian name in case we get any complaints. Lovely.

Can you not even say that anymore? It meant my job. It meant my job. Much more difficult. Well, you're allowed to say that, especially if his name's Christiano. Anyway, but that's four syllables. No one else.

It'd be Chris Ronaldo. Yeah. Let's make him Chris Ronaldo from now on. I mean, back in the day, back in the day when they used to put people's numbers on their tracksuit tops, you had to, like, not numbers, their names, you know, on the back.

You had to pay per letter. I remember when I was a kid getting people's names on the back of my top, and you had to pay per letter. Cristiano Ronaldo. I mean, I've just gone, Rigan. No wonder he doesn't pay his taxes. No, exactly. I spent all that on lettering when he was a kid.

Yeah. One thing about the West Brom players, they paid their taxes. Oh, no, they stole their taxes. Sorry. I got a bit mixed up. So he's named after Ronald Reagan, not Nancy Ronald. Lovely. Not Nancy Ronald.

I think his dad had major drink problems. Oh, that's depressing. Chris Rinaldos. Chris Rinaldos. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah, I think his dad had major drink problems. Oh, that's depressing. Chris Rinaldos. Chris Rinaldos. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah, I think so. You know, he doesn't come from, you know, poor home and all that.

He rose up through the ranks. Oh. Oh, yeah, come on. Fair play, Chris. Never mind that. I would like to... Never mind that. Now, that is what's gone wrong.

I would like to like that. Never mind that. Now that is what's gone wrong. I would like to like that. It's like a cabinet meeting of the Conservative Party. Never mind that. Yeah, Frank, I want to talk about the bread and salt presentation. Did you guys see this yesterday? I did see it.

Not yesterday, it was a few days ago. Yeah, for the England team. Yeah, for the England team. Yeah, for the England team, they presented them with... The Russians, this is. Yeah, a loaf of bread and salt and a giant golden teapot. Harry Kane was given a golden teapot, wasn't he? My son... I think I'm watching that Donald Trump said.

Honestly, that's what I asked for. OK. My son keeps on... He kept on about Hurricane, Hurricane this and honestly that's what i asked for um okay my um my son keeps on he kept on about hurricane hurricane this and i reckon that and i thought what's he talking about and he's fun he'd misheard the harry kane and it's never occurred to me it's very like hurricane is that something that features as a nickname no i think buzz has invented it harry kane that would be a great thing well it's the Feist I hate of it.

If they got proper intros like snooker players or darts players, they could say, and the England number nine, Hurricane, Harry Kane.

That would be great. Harry Hurricane Kane. It sounds like somebody's got a speech problem. Can I ask you a question?

Sure. If you were a representative of the England football team and you were given food and drink by the Russians would you be relaxed about that? The Skripals had a pizza and we know what happened to them.

It's lovely, thanks. You know what they say about never eat fan food? I think this is that times about a hundred. I'd be edgy about it. I'm sure it was a lovely gesture. And bread and salt, who wouldn't? Yeah.

I have to say... What a combo. That does appeal to me. Bread and salt. You know, there's nothing like a bit of salt. I like salt on its own. I like there is nothing like a bit of salt. I didn't know that version of the musical.

You know, salt's unfashionable now but oh god it's great your dad was a fan obviously sometimes I'll pour a bit on my palm and just lick it off it's the best that's gross sans tequila where as a bit of bread with it

that's a meal for me maybe some olive oil a tea and some bread and. It's a meal. That's a meal for me. Maybe some olive oil. A tea. A tea urn and some bread and salt. That'll do. They call it That's a picnic. They call it

the traditional bread and salt welcome. Oh that. Yeah. But I like that because it sounded like a French goodbye. It sounded like a phrase

like a thing that we're meant to know. Here's a question. Yeah. What ever happens to you? The captain's exchanging pennants before the game

oh yeah hell yeah here's our pennant with our country on it and here's your pennant and then I can't remember

where they went now but you go to a club the club sort of trophy room where they'd have loads of pennants

from yeah I don't even see pennants in the back of long distance lorry drivers cabs what's happened to penance

it's weird Germaine's killed them all oh perhaps he perhaps he did that thing of copyrighting

the name I can't have it anymore yeah yeah anyone got any penance like 12

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Oh, yeah. So, the thing I found odd about this presentation... The bread and salt. The bread and salt that the Russians handed over. They gave an embroidered towel as well, but they handed it to Gary... Always handy. For the washing up for after.

But Gary... Did any of the footballers say, oh, that'll be handy for the washing up for after? No, just the same guy. The Southgate was catering. Well, you know what was odd? He did look like catering because he didn't know where to put it. So he put it sort of over his arm,

but he was carrying the bread in the other hand. Nice. So he really looked like a waiter. Silver service. Yeah. Spoon and a fork, he was away. It was more sort of backstage at at i don't know i'm thinking of who it might be maybe a killer's gig or something you know okay catering there

um but yeah and they also did you notice they played the stone roses when they came out they had tinny speakers and school children but the school children had the flags and they all had the folded like they all had the foldeds. Like, they'd just come out of the cellophane. I think they'd just been... Oh, right. It's depressing. That's something you don't see very often.

They'd have broken a shirt with the folds. Yeah. That you used to get. That's a bit of a whatever happened to. And also pins in shirts. Go on. We've just had cars saying, clean me, on them. Oh, I saw that yesterday. It was a bit whatever happened shirts. Gone. We've just had cars saying clean me on them. Oh, I saw that yesterday.

It was a bit whatever happened to him. Sort of a van. I still see that on occasion. I thought you were going to say you still write it on occasion. I do. Good for you. I write it on goths. So I have to say, this is not a football show. Goths so I watched

I have to say this is not a football show so when we talk about football we talk about it in a light hearted offbeat fashion

sure but I watched a match last night and I did remember the great what a great fantastic thing

it is to watch a bit of good football you know what I watched the first half at home and then my train... I thought I ate this guy. I've gone off it.

My train to London was from Manchester at 8.15 and I said during the first half, I went, this is going to be one of the best games of this tournament so far, possibly during the whole thing. And I've got a train booked and then I got to London

and it was three all and a really exciting football game. I absolutely recalled it, didn't I? I tell you what, that Ronaldo Reagan's good. Oh, Chris had a game and a half. He is good, isn't he? I'll say he had a game and a half. He kicked the ball about 12 times.

He got a penalty, a goalkeeping error. And then a fabulous free kick in the end. Not a bad return on his investment. Well done, Chris. Yeah, well done, Chris. He's a good lad. I like him. I've never heard so many...

The commentator, I've never heard the phrase Iberian Peninsula used so much on primetime television. Oh, really? I thought it was an exciting game. You don't have to whip up the local derby element of it. Shut up about it. Yeah. I watched Morocco...

Iran. Iran, yeah. What's that earlier? Less fun. Did you? Well, I just sat here watching Morocco-Iran. And I've got to tell you, it wasn't a class eco, but there was a bit where... There was no Chris.

One of the players, I think he was a Moroccan player, said he used to work in, the commentator said, he used to work in Burger King. And he said, if he scores a last-minute goal, he'll certainly be a whopper. And I thought, in what respect? What do you mean? In what way will he be a whopper if he scores a last-minute goal?

A whopper is something really big, surely. Or a lie. They're the two uses of whopper, aren't they? Rubbish. Wouldn't it be a fact? And it felt like he'd worked it a bit. You know, he didn't just come out with it. Now, can I tell you what's going on here, Al? As the Frank Whisperer, let me tell you.

So, what Frank's feeling is a little bit jellybags, because he's thinking, I could have done a better job with that pun. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I don't want to be a football commentator. No, I'm not suggesting you do. I'm just saying momentarily there is that feeling of, come on, you could have done better.

But what does it mean? If there's any of our listeners who think they can come up with a better reference from someone having worked in Burger King and now playing international football. Well, I get what he means. He's referring to it being a big one and then the whopper, a Burger King. Well, he should have said the goal would be a whopper. Yeah.

Oh, I see, yeah. OK, yeah. No, I think you're right. He'll be a whopper. Look, you'll find no arguments here. OK. You know, if he scores in this game, he'll be wearing the crown. Like, you know, he could have done a crown thing, couldn't he?

Yeah. Cardboard one. Yeah, he could say he'll be the... King of Portugal. Yeah, I thought of a good one then, but it's a little bit... I'm not going to say it. So, um...

Trust me, it's a belter. Tell us off air. I will, obviously. He's gone for... I noticed that Chris has gone for a slight fringe as well. He's got, you know, that really sort of flip back thing. He looks different.

He reminds me, do you remember when Cliff Richard took the, he took the big step of going from the quiff to the fringe. And Cliff, can I just say, I remember Cliff in an interview saying, and what happened, I came out the sea,

and my hair, and I looked and I thought, oh yeah, actually I quite like it, and I thought, I don't believe that, Cliff. No, I don't believe it. Hey, you looked at what when you came out the sea? One of those beach mirrors that you get. If you had a mirror with him when he'd come out the sea, you've got to ask a big question.

And also, have you ever heard anyone say, I'll tear that look eye like with him when he'd come out to sea, you've got to ask a big question. And also, have you ever heard anyone say, I'll tell you that look I like, when I've just come out to sea, I look great. You know that look when you walk back up the beach on a pebble beach,

going, ow, ow, ow. Cliff. By the same token, after the match last night, the Spanish manager said, yes, Ronaldo's a great player, but I wouldn't swap him

for anyone in my squad. Incorrect. Very incorrect and untrue. I think you should have been sacked for telling that. It was an absolute whopper. Yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You asked for text messages to come in about the player for, was it Iran that went from Burger King to... I think he played for Morocco and he used to be in Burger King and now he's in international football. Well, 275 has said Burger King to football he's gone from man of the hatch to man of the match it does assume

that he mostly worked the drive through but I'm still good though I like man of the hatch I think that's really great work well done Harry if I worked

at a drive in I think if I met someone at a party I'd say what do you do for a living I'm very much a man of the hatch

yeah I think you might be you might be an old fashioned racing driver yeah you could be What do you do for a living? I'm very much a man of the hatch. Yeah. I think you might be an old-fashioned racing driver. Yeah, you could be a... In charge of a thriving chicken coop. Yeah, maybe not a coop, maybe an incubator. Maybe. I'll tell you what I did watch. Sorry, were you going to...

No. I watched the opening ceremony, of course. Oh, yeah. Oh. I mean, come on. It was more of a... Less of an opening ceremony, more of a sort of flash mob. Yeah.

Yes. It lasted about six minutes, tops. Yeah, they didn't spin it out for too long, did they? Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Let's get this out of the way. What about Roberta Williams? I mean, Roberta Williams, fine form.

Red snakeskin suit. Well, I hope it wasn't really snakeskin. No, faux. You're absolutely right, Frank. What if he took out the electric fork, the electric jotting fork, put it in his mouth with the snakeskin suit? That would have been an opener and a half.

You're right, we'll get letters. He looked to me like a man who'd lost his luggage and bought the only suit that fitted him in TK Maxx St Petersburg. Well. Oh, that's very decent. It was snog. It was snog? It was snog.

It's going the way of, you know, I always felt that when Tom Jones in Kiss says, think about a dams now, it looks like a bear, a wild bear had been sedated, shot with a gun in the forest, sedated, and then put into a suit. And then when he woke up, he was trying to get out of it. There was an element of that about Robbie. Yes, it was a bit clothed animal. You know my theory

is that I look better than Daniel Craig in a suit. Oh yeah. I think that's right. Because I'm thin and he's all muscles and you don't want to put that in a suit.

No. No. It's like a nice sports car in one of those all-weather covers we talked about earlier. Also, I worry sometimes about a black shirt.

It does look a bit bouncy. Well, you're not the first person to say that. As long as I said this. Any history fans out there? I have to tell you, Frank, on Twitter,

a couple of people were saying he looks just like Frank Skinner. What? That's because he's let his hair go grey, hasn't he? Oh, has he? I think that's a nice comparison. No, no, he's probably one of the three best looking men in

the Potteries I do like that about Robbie he's sort of embraced his inner nightclub singer now, he's just this is what I am I've got a gold chain, he's just gone for it. Look we all love Robbie, don't get me wrong. Well, look.

Although he's had a backlash because he did make a... I thought he wasn't moving as easily as he could have. He did make a rude gesture to the camera. I know he shouldn't. I never saw that. He did. Why did he do it? I'll tell you why.

Because he knew Jimmy Page was watching. That's why. Oh, yeah. He's gone running for you. They've got beef, the neighbourly beef. Absolutely. I don't know. maybe it was Tattoo. Tattoo have been sitting by their phone for six months waiting for that gig.

So surely we will get opening ceremony. And then Robbie Williams gets it. It's the night of our lives. Oh, don't do your stupid plastic surgery. I've ruined everything. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Buzz went and played a game of football,

my six-year-old child, the other day. Oh, is he getting into it now, fam? Unfortunately, he's inherited my rubbishness at football, God bless him. OK. And he came back, I said, how was it? He said, oh. He said, I got pushed over.

He said, and I got really hit, hit really hard. The ball hit me in the, and then you can, you know, in the lower areas. He said, that really hurt. He said, and I kept, I did this thing, I kept passing the ball to the other team. I said, look. I said, the important

thing to remember, it's fine to be rubbish at football. It's about enjoying it. It doesn't matter if you're any good at it. It's okay. It's okay to be rubbish. And he went, oh, I wish I'd known that. As if it's like a real, everything's all right now. God bless him.

I did think though, I was trying to teach him keepy-oppy, but I can't do it either. I've never worked it out. My record's about seven. My friend Gary's quite good at that. He'll teach him. He'll come over it. I've got the money, I could get

an FA coach. Can you imagine? I've got the money at this stage in life. This is where I'm going to spend it I did an FA coach big great gift for him if I wait a couple of weeks I'll be able to get

Gareth Southgate of course I don't believe that for a second I tell you what I'm imagining is going to happen in the World Cup England will have a penalty shoot

and everyone will think here we go again and because we have bought the great sort of juju magic of a bloke who missed a major penalty, because it's his team, that the great god of penalty shootouts will think,

you know what, I owe this bloke one. And that will turn it all around. Frank, I have to say, in the biopic, obviously he would unzip the tracksuit top and stride on himself to take that final penalty. I don't think that would be legal. Turns out we didn't know that he's got to play a manager role all the time.

Glenda Hoddle didn't stop him. What about... Who would play Gareth Southgate? Oh. Not as himself. No, he's not up to the role. Who was that bloke who played the piano? And what was he called?

He was in the piano. Oh, yes! He looks like... I thought you were asking for the name of a pianist. Looks a bit like Alistair McGowan. Adrian Brodie. Yeah. What do you think?

Thank you. Yes, that's a good call. Yeah, possibly. Have to dye the hair. The hair's a bit Ronald Reagan black. Is it? At the moment. As Chris calls it.

Yeah. Oh, no. There will be. I mean, there should be. If we won it, there'd be a biopic, wouldn't there? I think so. Whatever happened... I mean there should be If we won it There'd be a biopic Wouldn't there I think so

Whatever Happened I'll tell you what Here's a question Yeah go on Whatever Happened To The Leicester City Hollywood Movie

I think it's in production Is it Is it Is it Attackers Like That's not happening Flaming Nora I think it's in

I auditioned for Peter Crouch Roll just recently. You didn't. No, I didn't. Oh, what a... You know, if he'd have done that, I would have loved that. Why was Peter Crouch even in it? As an opponent. As one of their many opponents of that season.

No, but if there was any film about England at all, I would like to play Eileen Drury. Oh, yes, the mystic. I think I'd be good at that. Yeah, do you remember? I do remember. Glenn's mystic, yeah. She started, was going to give him a shoulder massage and he sat down and said, short back and sides please,

never got picked again. I think it was him. I think, yeah. Those were strange times. We had a mystic, the team mystic. There's going to be some googling for people that haven't heard

this story to do yeah Eileen Drury god bless her I'm sure she was well intentioned I saw Rita live chicken once late night

party in Finsbury Park amazing amazing you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio we're discussing the World Cup here on Absolute Radio yeah I was just saying I'd have thought

Russia with their history of public displays yeah would have done a better

opening ceremony I mean they've paid a lot of money to get this World Cup look at that angels I don't know how much they've paid you'd have to ask FIFA but

there wasn't one missile on a truck can you imagine how gutted I was just one give it 20 years the World Cup in North Korea will be great. Well, Frank, I know what you were expecting. I might be going to that. I'll be in an urn.

But I'm still going. I'm going as First Lady. I think you were, I can imagine you were a bit disappointed. I mean, I don't know if you have the music to hand, but we all know the sort of tunes that I think you might have been hoping for. And just the sort of more pastoral side.

What if he'd have come on carrying a mazurka? Robbie Williams would have joined in with that. Robbie Williams singing this would be worth seeing, wouldn't it? That would be great. Eh? When he can't sing, it would be great. You can sing, yeah, it's a good voice, Robbie. I'm a good voice.

I'd look forward to this note. Everyone. Oh. Yeah. Who was it? Did you know the woman? No. When you say, did you know?

There was a woman who came on. There were two women. Miss Russia 2003. Great title. Oh, she opened the box with the cop in it. A bit weird of the year, no, that was something else. Weird of the year, 1998 that was.

And then there was a Russian singer, you're right, she was a soprano, wasn't she? The one who sung Angels, you mean? Yes. I don't know. I mean, I'm a bit out of touch, I think. I was listening to the driver when I came in the car this morning. He is a Jazz FM enthusiast.

I didn't know that was still on. Is that a euphemism? Jazz FM? A bit of a Jazz FM enthusiast. No, jazz. And they said, they played a song and the bloke said, one of the greats there, Tanya Maria. And I thought, is this something that's just passed by me?

Tanya Maria's career? Tanya Maria's career? I'm going to write a poem about it. Do you know her? No. Do you know Tanya? No, I don't know her. I didn't know the woman who sang with Robert.

I mean, I did spend a lot of that thinking, well, at least it's not Katherine Jenkins. Many of you may know, I believe, to be Lucifer's representative on Earth. Frank, I don't know if we've got time for that. Oh, I don't think we've seen that in an opening ceremony before, upside-down crosses. Sorry, what were you saying?

I don't know, I think we should end on that. Because I think that's better than what I was going to say, which was purely factual information. I love factual information. Why don't you bookmark it? I'm going to bookmark it. I will leave you on this cliffhanger. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily.

I have a question about Chris. Okay. Let's call it a Christian. Oh, no. I think that's been used. That word. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute a Christian. Oh, no. I think that's been used. That word. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That was one of your Mavis moments. Yeah. I left things

on something of a cliffhanger. Oh yeah. You may recall. We had a text in. Hi Frank, Alan and Emily. I have a question about Chris. Okay. Let's call it a questiona. Yeah. A questiona Ronaldo. Love that. Okay. Let's call it a questiona. Yeah.

Questiona Ronaldo. Love that. Oh. Very good. That could be, if you had a regular quiz, maybe every week we should have a question

about Chris. Yeah. Let's call it questiona Ronaldo. We'll do a jingle. I'm really up for that. Questiona Ronaldo, questiona Ronaldo.

Do a jingle, please. Thank you. Okay. I assumed that Ronaldo was his surname. Oh. But if he was named such by his father, great use of such, then surely it's his middle name.

Was he named after the monster Raven Looney party founder? But then surely it's his... Did his father change the family name by the Portuguese equivalent of deed poll? That's from 576. Well, that is not his surname. Ronaldo is not his surname. Is that correct? His full name is

I think it's Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos. Cristiano Ronaldo Roosevelt. I mean, I don't know why you just didn't leave it there. Footballers, their names are very complicated often. You know, Pele was not called Pele. No. No.

He was called Edson Rantes de Nascimento. Pele means a black pearl. Of course, you couldn't have that now. He went for the sort of Shakira approach, Pele. Did he? Yeah, just with the one name. It just means when you're at the dinner, when you're at the event,

you just have one name on the card, on the plasma. Yeah. Anyway, it's Dos Santos Sevillero. Gorincha, who was another Brazilian player, I think it meant little bird. How dare you? Five, two and a half. No offence.

I spoke, by the way this is I mean we've got this into our hair I thought racial stereotyping and all that had gone but the Russians

everything people say about the Russians involves some sort of corruption they can't is that alright there was chats when

they do so much to disprove it Putin was sat next to the Saudi Arabian leader. The commentators were making jokes about them making oil deals and stuff. It did look a bit sinister, Al. I'm not going to lie. I have a colleague of mine who's in Russia at the moment, and she was saying that she speaks fluent Russian. She's heard a few Russians saying that the 5-0 win by Saudi Arabia

was part of the oil prices negotiations. But that's the problem. Once you get that reputation, it's like poor Harry Redknapp. Head out the car window. People blame you for all sorts of things. We've had a number of people, by the way, getting in touch to say that Stevie Gerrard was, in fact,

pictured head out of a car window only this week, going to Rangers. So it's still with us. No, that's the thing he does, though. He's like a dog, obviously, down the motorway. When he's just been in the back with the head out. I'm so down to that. If you drive past somebody

signalling with an electric carving knife, you'll be sorry, my friend. Now, we're getting Cristiano Ronaldo's, but I think we might have to save these, because otherwise the whole show will be Cristiano Ronaldo. OK. But we've got some good ones. Two to one of us.

Just for now. There we go. Do you want a Cristiano Ronaldo? Yeah, let's Cristiano Ronaldo. OK. Where's the jingle? Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo. Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo.

Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo. You. Where's the jingle? Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo. Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo. Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo. You ain't seen nothing yet. That's Ronald Reagan at the end. Is it? Okay. I thought he'd be a nice coder. You know a coder, a little green bloke from Star Wars.

I've got to read this out. Okay, it's all right. John Shields has gone into... Does he? Do this out John Shields has gone into do you know John Shields? no but thanks for the tip that'll save me doing it it's pretty hard sometimes

to work with him that'll save me wearing one question for Frank about Chris's free kick I mean it's just taken off now I love it question for Frank about Chris's free kick

last night free kick goal he says why kick goal, he says. Why does he tiptoe up to the ball to take it in that way that he does? Does he hope the goalie won't see him? Oh. That is from John Shields. Surprise attack. He likes to catch the ball slightly unaware.

Yeah. Nice. He's sneaky like that. Did he tiptoe? That's interesting. Yeah. He did a step over. He did one step over.

He did one step over last night. Do you remember? That's all he ever did was step overs when he started. And he threw one in last night. It was a marvellous... I remember seeing Jimmy Cricket.

Oh, yeah. And he came on and said, come here. And I thought, he only just did it the once but he knew we really wanted it and I think it's like a catch phrase with him. Brilliant.

Oh Chris I love you. Maybe he allows himself one a game now. One step over a game that's it. Yeah imagine if you get that one in early and then there's a real opportunity for what happens. Oh no. That would be a was showboating too much.

That would be a night. Showboating. Love it. I'm trying to find a way out of this, Link. Have you noticed? What are we going to do? Let's talk about after. Let's tease.

Let's talk about sesk, baby. That's not an anagram. Oh, is it? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What did we tease to?

What did we tease to? Did we tease to something? We didn't tease to anything, did we? We didn't. I thought we teased. I can't remember. It's so long ago. Do you remember the much-loved Vuvuzela?

Do you remember that? Yeah. Where is he now? Yeah. I think someone got him on a Bosman and then we've lost track of him. Yeah, I used one as a funnel at home. Do you remember me telling you about that?

I think you did, yeah. What was it for? I can't remember. Oh, you did, didn't you? Apple cider vinegar, maybe. Yeah. A cup of tea. It was a cup of tea.

Oh, yeah, because I made a cup of tea and then I had to leave, so I poured it into a plastic bottle. Isn't there days you could use a plastic bottle without being rusted to the ground? I mean, that's so Frank Weiss not want not, isn't it? Actually, it's good to reuse the bottle, but, you know, times have changed. I've always thought that.

Yeah, we know. Well, apparently this year's Vuvuzela is the Russian Lozhka. Lozhka. I might have got it wrong. What sound is that, mate? Lozhka. I believe so. It's a Russian spoon.

Okay. Which they can clack. They get two spoons and play them like cockneys in many regards. Like playing the spoon. I think so, yeah. You need three of them, don't you? Three? Yeah.

Seventh doctor. Two to hold back and a third to strike. Do you I think so, yeah. You need three of them, don't you? Three? Yeah. Seventh doctor. Two to hold back and the third to strike. Oh. Do you see? Okay. Sounds a bit like... I think you only use... I think the British method is just the two, isn't it?

You hit them against each other. Well, the Russians do things differently over there. Not condemning them for that. Don't get me wrong for a second. Spoons of victory. I worry about these spoons. I saw a video of Russian manners. I think for the knockout games, you can take a ladle. Apparently.

I'm worried that the fans are going to use them to stir up trouble. Oh, come on. I saw a video of some Russian nannies showing how to use them I haven't watched any of those for a long time one of my favourites is your honor I'll give you the password but the Russian nannies were they had sort of tabards on

floral tabards to start carry on and it was all in Russian so I didn't understand oh well fair enough no but they were doing the demonstration

of the spoons yeah so I sort of know how to do it if you want to get some in I think I could have a go well let's do that

next week what happened to those was it cassirola what were the Brazilian ones they were like foghorns oh I don't remember

they were like the vuvuzelas they made a funny noise one of our readers will know what I mean Brazilian ones. They were like foghorns. Oh, I don't remember. They were like the vuvuzelas. They made a funny noise. One of our readers will know what I mean. On the spoon front, whatever happened to the mashed potato guillotine scoop? Oh, yeah.

Remember those? Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Used to give you like a lovely little ball of mashed potato. Like an ice cream scoop, but for savoury really. Did you find they took it out of a Tupperware box of mashed potato sometimes? Well, I'm thinking of it at school dinner, so it'd be the metal tray. Yeah. And they were great.

That little, the little trigger there that separated it from the inner curvature of the ball. Excellent. Although I worry about using such a potentially exciting... You'd love one. Yeah, I'm going to get one. worry about using such a potentially exciting... When you use such a potentially exciting accessory with such a bland food stuff, it's just disappointing.

I won't hear a word said against mashed potato. Okay. If it's not delicious, then you need to add butter and salt and enjoy it. That's my motto. I used to have mashed potato sandwiches. Oh, yeah. That's very white. I used to have mashed potato sandwiches. Oh. Yeah. That's very white, that meal.

Yeah. It's a little bit carbs-y as well. Very little nutrition in there. It's on the carbs-y side, but it's lovely because the hot mashed potato melts the butter. I had fingerless gloves on and I remember the butter dripping down. One of those. And then you know you're living the life.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What worries me about giving football fans wooden spoons, they use them like the medieval catapults to fire

let's say human excrement onto the pitch Chewing gum maybe? Chewing gum That could be it. Harder to release depends on the nature of it would worry me that I think Also often in a major

tournament Uri Geller comes up It would worry me, that, I think. Also, often in a major tournament, Uri Geller comes up with a stunt of some kind. He does. Can he do a wooden spoon? He normally goes on one of the breakfast shows and he gets you to do a visualisation exercise. Yeah, and all that stuff. And he said in 96, the Euros,

he was in a helicopter above Wembley, he said, and he said that he moved the ball. Not during the penalty shootout, thanks. No, well, he said he moved the ball in the Scotland game so that Gary McAllister missed the penalty.

And it did move. Yes. But as soon as it had moved, then Uri Geller came out and said, I did that. Oh, yeah. I'm not saying he didn't.

I'm not saying he did. Well, I am. I wonder how his ticket sales in Scotland go now. Yeah, exactly. But does he have ticket sales? Does he gig? What happens? Does he come on?

I imagine him with some... Let's go there. Let's go the 90s reference. What kind of a headset, Frank, would he be wearing? He'd be wearing a Madonna microphone, Mike. I imagine him with one of those. Is that what he does? I saw a documentary about him and he's walking through a sort of, I don't know, he was in Manila or something and he saw these kids with a dog and he said, he went up to the dog and he sort of put his hand on the dog and said

it's four years old four years old this dog and everyone and the woman said, oh okay he said, no it's four, it's four years old I thought it's an unusual trick if you've ever seen that one this woman come out

he said, is this your dog? and he said, how old your dog? And he said, how old is he? She said, 12. That was broadcast. Enough, yeah. That didn't end up on the floor.

He obviously didn't get, he didn't get editorial control. I love that. I mean, is that your, sorry Al. When Gareth Southgate got given that tea towel

in Russia, I bet he said, anyone can drive up except your regala because he'll wreck all the spoons. But you know the footballer thing, When Gareth Southgate got given that tea towel in Russia, I bet he said, anyone can drive up except Uri Geller, because he'll wreck all the spoons. But you know the footballer thing, he'll be in the dressing room flicking their bear behind. You know what they're like, they love the Vance.

I do know what they're like, funnily enough, but that's another story. Exactly, you've got the towel scars to prove it. I've certainly got the tea towel. I don't want Uri Geller coming in here guessing people's ages or he'll be out in a minute. So Uri Geller has no effect on wood, the wooden spools. I think the jury's out on whether or not he has an effect on any of the spools.

I'm just making it personal. Speak for yourself. Because the sonic screwdriver doesn't work on wood. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah, that other real thing. Yeah, yeah. Is this absolute science again? No, it's absolute, absolute nonsense.

The Yuri Geller Show. What if we've got absolute to phone Yuri Geller and tell him we want you to host this show? Call it Absolute Nonsense. No, they didn't tell him the name of it. They just put the jingle on afterwards. What was that?

What was that jingle it just heard? Oh no, no, couldn't be. And then carry on. Now we'll all think together and we'll start to watch somewhere. Ah, Uri, endlessly entertaining. The man who advised Michael Jackson

to do the Martin Bashir interview. Thanks. A friend in need. He's a friend indeed. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've got a beautifully romantic email here.

Hi, gang. I do own an electric knife. Given as a wedding present, it outlasted my marriage. Oh, lovely. I met and married a guy who also owned an electric knife. We're totally meant for each other. Yeah? Isn't that nice? I wonder if they have...

No, probably don't. Sword fights? Yeah, something like that. Sounds dangerous. Yeah, I wonder how that would work. A bit like a lightsaber thing, because you get the stuff running through you. It'd be really scary, I should think.

I know we were talking about Uri Geller. Uri! And you know that guessing the dog's age, is that sort of what he does now then? I'll tell you what, I think he makes his money from guessing the weights of pigs at

country fair. What if he did that? Go around just about scratching a living. Scratching? Great. An old Vauxhall. Very good. Great use of scratching. Vauxhall, why? Great use of scratching. Guessing the weight of pigs. Oh God, see I'm such a natural, I don't get it myself. I mean the fruit just falls off you. Don't forget your own puns. Yeah. So he's going around in a Ford Corsa. Yeah.

From country fare to country fare. He's such a thing as a Ford Corsa. You look to me like there is. I don't think so. No, there's a Vauxhall Corsa. Yeah, well, yeah, now he's welded two together. He's that pooner. He's a cut and shunt, they call it in the car game.

What is it called? A cut and shunt in the car game. What happened it called? A cut and shunt in the car game. What happened to him? He had a Vauxhall Corsa, but he was driving and he just started thinking about it falling in two halves, and it did. And it did. Poor old...

With great power comes great responsibility, I think Yuri would say. Well, Yuri hasn't got any then. With almost no power comes almost no responsibility. What happens when you've got no power, Yuri? It's really easy comes almost no responsibility. What happens when you've got no power? It's really easy. And no responsibility. We're at the fair.

I reckon that... Guessing a pig's way. Yeah. Susanna, I'm saying, is 14 and a half stone. Oh, right. Well, that's how he guesses it. I think that's it. He goes in stones.

He's not... I think he does. He's a traditionalist. At the country fair, it's how he guesses it. I think that's it. He goes in stones. He's not... I think he does. He's a traditionalist. At the country fair, it's not going to be... KG man these days. Kilograms. I think he meant Kate Garraway. I was going to say, what would we say?

Nine and a half? No. Frank! Eight and a half. Stop it. I don't know what women weigh. Can we say one, Kate? Can we clip that for the trailer?

Why do you think our friendship has lasted so long? Oh, okay. Can I just say, Frank? I've always felt sorry for babies. People have a baby and they get a text saying it. Body shamed. You get a text saying, yeah, nine, four kilograms or whatever it is. Nine pound ten.

Seven pounds. Yeah, nine and a half pounds. You wouldn't say, I'm getting married. £8 and a half. Inevitable. That's a price. It depends if you're marrying a footballer. Now, you mentioned Kate Garroway.

She was one of them. I mean, I like a Kate Garroway, but there are a number of people doing a bit of a World Cup skit this week. They dipped their arm into custard and picked out a melon to make the shape of the Jules Rimet trophy. And there were a lot of people saying that Frank Skinner did that first. Is that correct?

No, he's absolutely correct. Well, I'm just saying. But, you know. Your lawyers might want to get into it. So you're trending again. Yeah, he's trending. He's all over the internet, this guy. He's doing a 75-day tour, apparently.

Woman in a skirt suit. Complete filth. Woman in a skirt suit. Woman in a skirt suit, I know, I know. She's all right, Garroway. What else? Have we had any other outside world contact? Oh, I imagine so.

Okay, well, if we haven't. Can I tell you something happened to me this week? I'm no Buddhist monk. No? No. But... Started meditating. Boz has got a ant farm,

and we loaded it this week. With ants? With ants, yeah. Oh, okay. ant farm and we loaded it this week with ants yeah so I went in the backyard and laid a few ant traps you know a little bit of apple right stuff like that and you said you use a paintbrush to get him into like I had the Vuvuzela to get him in down there so and you, I was in bed that night and it really was nagging at me that these ants had been imprisoned. You're right. I wasn't happy with it. Oh, really? Yeah.

Is that fair? They're sort of cage fighters now. Yeah, so I'm just going to watch them tunneling and stuff. Do you think it's alright? Well, come on! Well, I tell you, wait, hold your high horses. Do you want us to do an 8-12-15 and see what the people think? Well, I mean... Come on! Well, I tell you... Wait, hold your high horses. Do you want us to do it on 8, 12, 15

and see what the people think? Yeah, I felt bad about it. Am I being ridiculous? You have a lot of control over their destiny, like some sort of Terry Pratchett figure. Because if you put a drop of water on them, that's the great flood of 2018. Yeah, you're supposed to drop, like,

a little bit of sugar in now and again. Yeah. Are you? That's the idea, yeah. What else are you going to give them? I don't know. I'd feed them properly. They won't go for taramasalata. I'd give them bread and salt.

It's a 500-year tradition. But that's the ant world. Cop your ant. Lisa just sold your ants. Are you suggesting you release the ants? Well, I think that's going to cause a problem if Buzz gets up and they've gone. But I... What if Kath gets up

and they're all over the house? I was thinking of broaching the subject with him about whether it's alright. Release them back into the wild. The other week he said to me, this chicken, is it actually a chicken that we're eating? And I said, yeah. And he said, no.

Not sure about that. And I said, oh, not sure about that. And I thought, well, no way. Yeah. Yeah. Just a little bit of an insight there from the youth. Yeah. Just mentioning it. I didn't say it was funny.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio We've had an email in re the football Hi Frank, Emily and Alan I don't know if the England fans have a nickname Neither do I, do they?

Not really I think it's England Well that's not the fans No They're not called the army or anything like that special subject. England. Well, that's not the fans. No. No. They're not called the army or anything like that. No. Like the Orange Army.

Right. The imperialists. No, they're all on television at the moment. I don't know if the England fans have a nickname, but I'll be disappointed if at some point over the next two weeks the TV coverage doesn't refer to the Serbia and Montenegro fans as the S&M community.

A backup team for Frank to support from Foz. Are they in it? Are they actually in it? I think they must be unless it's I can't remember seeing them on my wall chart. I don't know if I've covered the whole wall chart yet.

Oh, did you get one of those? You probably got it free with the sun or something. Probably got it free with the celebrity. No, no, no. I don't think you don't need to be a celebrity to get a free wall chart. You know, like he gets his beats by Dr Dre and his free finger shoes and all the other stuff. What about the

Peerless 125? But otherwise, what's the point if you're not going to get free stuff? Indeed. Especially a wall chart. Yeah. I think it was from Paddy Power where they give free ones. So that's it. I'm not saying I support them. I'm anti-gambling.

I've seen what it can do to people. But generally speaking, I like a free wall chart. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, Willis? Sure. Okay. Yeah, I do football fans. I like a free wall chart yep you know what I'm talking about Willis sure okay erm yeah

do do football fans have the tartan army yeah barmy army yeah all that stuff

yeah do they have clubs do don't they that's not the fans no true enough I mean

also what would your collective noun for the England fans be yobbers oh that's that's only No, they're not true enough. Also, what would your collective noun for the England fans be? Yobbers. Oh, that's so... That's only a... It's a gaggle of England fans.

That's only, what, 80% I would say. Top. That's really unfair. I would say, yeah. Yeah. It ought to involve those white slip-on trainers. Well, I was going to say a crock of England fans. If you know what I mean.

Aren't they crocks, though? No, they're not actually crocks. A man-made fibre of England fans? Anyway, of course, we love England fans. We do. And we are England fans. We are. And what an exciting week it's going to be.

I'm going home to watch is it France Australia that'll be that'll be close still the only I suppose if I was going home to watch France Australia at cricket I wouldn't feel sorry for France

should I feel sorry for Australia? no don't feel sorry for them. Why should I feel sorry for Australia? No, don't feel sorry for them. Ha! OK, what I suggest is that they take a bit of sticky tape on and put it on the wall and see if that helps. Yeah, good idea. But not for a bit of a neotopical. We also got an answer to your question about is it OK to have an ant farm.

751 has texted, I think it's OK, Dalai Lama. Oh, OK. So, Dalai Lama. Okay. So the Dalai's listening. I haven't heard from we've heard from the weekly Lama a couple of times. Yeah. But the Dalai, I always sit there too busy. Anyway, thanks so much for listening this morning. You know what?

If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.