The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Flog It

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Gareth and Emily. The team discuss their outing at The Rolling Stones gig, Ronaldinho's love life and what Darth Vader's trousers are made of.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and this morning Gareth Richards. Good morning. A dear old friend of ours is with us. If you want to text the show, we're on 8-12-15. If you want to follow the show on Twitter, we're on at Frank on the radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Simple as that.

We've had our first missive from this morning. Oh, yes. Morning, Frank. You had your picture taken with my cousin, Jill, at the Rolling Stones gig. She was the one with beer all down her front. Oh, yeah, from Stourbridge. Yeah. Okay. Lovely.

Yeah, we were... We all went to to the Stones last night, Gareth. Oh. Which is what I call the Rolling Stones. Okay. I abbreviate it. The Rolling would be all right with me. That's a bit like, what was the name of that? The Shining.

Oh, yeah. It feels a bit like that. Yeah. bit like what was the name of that the shining it's a bit like that yeah yeah so um i said maybe about um crown green bowls if you can imagine that so how was it you know what they were absolutely brilliant i'm glad you said that you know but you know there are gigs it can go either way when someone says absolutely yeah but you know there are gigs... It can go either way when someone says absolutely. Yeah, but you know there are gigs you go to and you think,

yeah, great, I love that track. I just felt really happy last night. It just made me happy that the Rolling Stones are still at it

and can still do it. I was cracking. You find yourself saying quite predictable naff things. Like, I did say at one point, they're really good live, aren't they?

Yeah, totally. And we had a chance for a real good look at them. We're in the Golden Circle. You familiar with that? Oh, so like quite close to the stage? Yeah, pretty close. VIP area? Well, I wouldn't quite go that far.

It's more golden free-for-all, really. Can anyone pay to be there? Yes. There seemed to have been quite a lot of West Ham fans that hadn't gone home after the last West Ham home game that are still there. There was a period where... A lot of local people at the London Stadium.

Yeah, there was a point when I saw about four big... They must have been West Ham fans. Four big blokes. Great big necks on them. Huge necks. You know those really big... Long or wide? Wide.

Not long. I think they could have been aliens, those four guys. Good for concerts, though. You know those people who look like someone has punched them really hard in the face and their airbags have happened. So red! Yeah.

Well, there was a lot of drinking. But anyway, these guys, I mean, for all I know, they might be for news correspondence from the BBC. But anyway. But they still supported West Ham, definitely. But there was a bit where they were doing Miss You. And these guys, who looked like they might regularly beat people up at the weekends, were standing there going...

I mean, that was a strange thing. But, yeah, it was brilliant. I love the clothes, though. Because I know, Frank, you've always taught... I mean, not always. You have other conversational reference points. I don't know, I have four. Okay, one of those four is Mick Jagger in the

Mac, isn't it, in a sort of trench coat? Yeah, the last time I saw them, which was about 15 years ago, and it put me off, to be honest. Because of the trench coat? He came out in a slightly a trench coat, but with a slight sheen to it. Oh, yeah. And I think he did love train. And I mean, why would you wear a track it

was indoors like a sort of a mac like a belted mac but a belted around the front mac yeah it just looked like like a secret squirrel if they did a deluxe edition of that. Jumping Jack Flash out. And even Keith Richard. Keith Richard looked at him, I thought, oh, the Mac, he's got the Mac out. Do you think they did that when he came into the dressing room? I mean, how do I look at everyone? Oh, Corey, the Mac, get off. Stop.

Get rid of it. Or he got in. I can imagine he got in and it was in a bin. Yeah. And Keith was just poking it. It was on fire. Keith just poking it with a stick just to make sure all the buttons melted. But this time he looked brilliant, Mick Jagger.

Well, what he's done, he's found his look, which is... It took a while. Yeah. 70 years. Blue zone silk shirt. And a jewel colour. He likes an emerald. He likes a while. Yeah, 70 years. Blouson silk shirt, a jewel colour. He likes an emerald, he likes a blue. He likes a wild horse.

He had one of those on a shirt last night. But I'll tell you what he does like. A black platform trainer. Oh, a platform trainer. His hips are so slim that when he came on stage, Keith Richard Eldo is an on-strong tennis racket and he just jumped straight for it. That was the opening to the show.

And then he did a forward roll and got off and went, I was born in a crossfire. It's brilliant. That was an opener. I don't think you could beat that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. I have to say, Gareth, Frank got somewhat mobbed last night. Oh, really? The older... They're my crowd. 60,000 divorced dads, isn't it? Yeah, they're very much my crowd, the divorced dad, the drunken divorced

dad. The triple Ds. We had an isn't it? Yeah, they're very much my crowd, the Divorced Dad, the Duncan Divorced Dad. The Trebledees. We had an email from someone saying, Frank, could you possibly help me out? My wife Fiona this week surprised me with tickets to Lords on Thursday

and the Rolling Stones on Friday. Both of which I went to. Oh really? Yeah. Suspicious some might say. It's not from, is it from me?

Says on the way to the stadium to see the Stones she noticed that you Suspicious, some might say. It's not from... Is it from me? It says, On the way to the stadium to see the stone, she noticed that you were walking beside her. She's always been a fan of yours and asked me to ask you for a picture of you with her. I said something like, Leave the man alone, he doesn't want to be bothered, but really I was just too embarrassed to. I feel bad and wished I had.

Could you please give her a mention and say I'm sorry? What's she called again? That's charming. I don't know. Fiona. Her name was Fiona, was it? Oh yeah, Fiona. I believe her name was Fiona. Okay. Well, hello Fiona. You should have come over

and had a photo. Everybody else did. That was sweet of you for your husband to consider my privacy more than he considered your own wishes. I'll tell you what else there was a lot of. There was a lot of men carrying those egg boxes that you tend to get at Starbucks.

Yeah, with beer. With the beer, but four in one. Not just men. I saw women with vast amounts. Four. I saw one man with eight going above our head. Wow. I mean, come on.

Yeah, but we might have had, you know, a friend with him. Well, he didn't look that way. It might not have all of them. Let's say aesthetics told somewhat differently. Okay. Okay. He'll be going in an hour late if he carries in like that. Carries on like that. Let's say aesthetics told somewhat differently. Yeah. OK. He'll be going in an hour late if he carries in like that.

Carries on like that. There's a new thing, actually. I saw this in the paper today. If people are overweight, they're talking about letting them go in an hour later for work to avoid the rush hour. That's why you told me to start at 11. Thanks. You break it to me, I put on weight. That's why you told me to start at 11. Thanks.

That's how you break it to me. I put on weight. I don't get the logic of it, though. Is it to stop the crush? Yeah, but it's a bit hard. Is that what it is? That's harsh, isn't it? If to be.

But also, what if, yeah, I mean, who's going to police this at the station? It's good news, bad news, isn't it, for that employee? Good news, you can come an hour later. Bad news, you're going to be on the fat train. Can you say that?

There you go. Well, it will be an hour later than everyone else. That is what it will be called. Everyone on it will be... There'll be like eight people on a train. Full to the brim. And then you've got an hour's more sleep and that's not going to help. I'll be like Ginster's List.

Anyway. I'll tell you who won't be coming in an hour late is Michael Jagger. He's skinny. Oh, come on. He's an 8am star, that one. Yeah, he had to come in an hour early. Yeah, he could arrive by paper airplane.

But I tell you what, I'd really like to know this now. And I love both these men. But Paul McCartney is a similar age to Mick Jagger. And if anything, he's richer. Certainly they're both very rich men. Paul McCartney's hair is purple. God bless him. I love him.

But I'm sure he's not gone for purple. It's aubergine, yeah. So he's gone for what's the word for dark hair? Brunette. He's gone for brunette. Do they call men brunettes? I do. Okayette. He's gone for brunette. Do they call men brunettes? I do. Okay.

So he's gone for brunette and it's gone purple. Whereas Mick Jagger must be grey down there somewhere. His hair looks incredibly... I can imagine so, yeah. Incredibly naturally not grey. Now, what is that? Well, I told you my theory last night on our train ride together, during which, can I say, a man popped up with an umbrella hat. But we'll come back to that.

That is true. I told you they'd catch on. I did say to you, I think it's because... I think Mick just maybe has better people around him on the... What, than Paul McCartney? Hold on, please. I think Paul just maybe has better people around him on the... What, than Paul McCartney? Hold on, please. I think Paul does it himself. You hold on, too.

Mick was married to a fashion model for several years. I just think he is very immersed in that world. Maybe someone... Sometimes if you have a look and you stick with it, people don't want to break the news to you. Do you understand? So you think because he was married to Linda McCartney, she's using vegan food colouring?

That is possible, I suppose. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what there was a lot of last night which I thought had died out. Women sitting on men's shoulders and waving their arms about. You know, it's a classic.

They were doing it at Woodstock and they're still doing it now at the London Stadium in 2018. Yeah. Frank offered at one point. I did not. I offered to get on your... I think I don't think I'd do it in the current climate.

No. As I was wearing a very thick sort of... Or a Time Lord collar. One of those... Some sort of neck brace. Yeah, exactly. I don't... That'd be a very sexy look, wouldn't it?

You could only do it with your partner. You couldn't say, by the way, does anyone want to... No, I saw that. You could only do it with your partner. You couldn't say, I bother as anyone wants to. No, I saw that. You should always ask first. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you shouldn't just run up behind a woman and thrust her into the stratosphere. Well, no, the woman directly in front of us,

I saw her politely thank the gentleman whose shoulders she was on and then make her excuses like a News of the World reporter and leave. See, don't think it was her boyfriend. She said, oh, thank you so much, and then she abandoned him. Why do you never see women on women's shoulders at these things? Oh, we lack the necessary height often.

Present company except. Well, obviously you get higher if you sit on somebody's. I mean, if I have my son who's six on my shoulders, after about ten minutes I'm thinking, well, this has worn off, the novelty of this. A fully grown woman on your shoulders. Those blokes, you know, they're trying to prove how strong they are. They must be dying inside.

He looked pretty happy last night. Yeah, I'd be worried about it. Also, usually the bloke faces the same way as the woman. OK, OK. Can we... Gareth, you know what I liked? Charlie Watts. I liked his wardrobe choices.

He dresses, don't you think... I don't know how you'd describe it. I thought it was a bit a friend of Richard Dawkins coming round for coffee, maybe. Do you know what I mean? It's a red corduroy shirt. Richard Dawkins hasn't got any friends. OK, maybe I'll go...

Maybe one of David Attenborough's crew. Yeah, he's never... There's one or two pictures of him with slightly 60s gear, but probably for the last 40-odd years. He mostly wears a shirt and trousers. Yeah. And the rest of them are like Ronnie Wood

had got glitter Doc Martin boots on, for example. And Keith Richard had five shrunken heads in a necklace. How long does it take him to get his clothes on? Yeah, one of them I recognised as a 1980s TV presenter. What about that? What about if you come in with shrunken heads and there was somebody... You recognise?

I'm trying to think of someone I can say without anyone being offended, but that's impossible. Yeah. Anne Boleyn. Yeah, Anne Boleyn, whose head is already separated. Yeah, there you go. I don't know. I wouldn't recognise Anne Boleyn, I'll be straight with you.

I wouldn't think, Sam, hold on a minute, it's Anne Boleyn. Take a photo on my phone and then do that thing about making it bigger, like with your fingers. That is Anne Boleyn, if I'm not mistaken. No, it's one if you've got Anne Boleyn. She's aged well. I wouldn't mind having her on my shoulders, just the head.

Ideal woman, a gig. That would be fine, yeah. Imagine the view she'd get. You could take a pike staff. Put her in your bag. If she was on stage and there were seven heads looking out of the crowd. It would have been in the old days, of course. Medieval gigs.

Oh, yes. This is the part where Frank sounds really sad that that no longer happens. No, but it never really struck me before. Birmingham in the 90s. That is a genre. Women sitting on men's shoulders. I don't know what it is, but there is a capacity of the crowd.

There's a size of crowd where that's acceptable. If I was doing... There's a room I do at Soho Theatre which holds about 180. If a bloke had his girlfriend on his shoulders at that gig, I'd think it was peculiar. It's not a stand-up thing so much, is it? I'd have to talk to her.

Imagine if someone did it in a pub or something. Yeah, a pub gig. Some people are just watching telly. Imagine if you put on songs of praise and there was three or four people in the church. Especially women in their 70s sitting on people. That's the other thing. on Songs of Praise and there was three or four people in the church. We're like, especially like women in their 70s

sitting on people. That's the other thing. There's an age limit on it. You never see a woman in her 70s sitting on a black shelter at a gig. And I mean,

there must have been those older women there. Thank you very much. Exactly. Why has that stopped? They can't get a stepladder into the stadium, I suppose.

I wonder how many women you could get on your shoulders at a gig. I would like to go... Before the top hole. Yeah, I'd like to go... Top hole, wasn't there? If I were a rich man... He couldn't afford it, exactly. If you could get... Say if I went with, like, six young women

in, like, crop tops type things, the way they are. Nice knowing you, mate. A certain type of... If I could get them in a sort of... Remember the police motorcycle display team when they'd have like a human pyramid? So if you separated them, one on each shoulder at the bottom?

They could have one with their feet on your head and they would hold the hands of others who leaned outwards. And what about the bottom? Are they clinging to a calf? Oh, no, they've got to be all... Oh, all atop? I think the rule is they have to be above shoulder height. OK, fine.

Yeah. So it's an inverted... I don't want to be wearing women like a comma bun. Like combat trousers with additional pockets. Oh, so they're all above shoulder height. I think that's the concert tradition, because it's based on the idea of a better vantage point, isn't it? No, I understand that, but the motorcycle aspect of it led me astray.

Well, they'd all have a great view. Yeah. And then you want people... I think the idea... Does the bloke who's got the girlfriend on the shelves, is he asking for details? Is he like... You know the thing when...

What do you mean? You remember when you used to see things of kids, and they'd have another kid standing on their shoulders at a football match looking over the wall and then shouting down... Yes. Gillette Soccer Saturday on Sky has exactly the same process.

They are looking at a scanner of the game, a screen of the game, and they're telling us who can't see. I wonder if there's an element of what's Mick doing now because they've got such a great view. Oh, so she's a sort of red-button commentary. Yeah, she's got such a brilliant view. Well, with kids, they would be inside a Mac, wouldn't they?

Yes. So the bottom child would have no view because the Mac would be... No, no, this was outside the ground. You're not telling me that that wasn't Mick Jagger who came on to do... Two children. To do Love Train. He sent his kids on while he had a rubdown

with half a fire brick, which I think he needs twice every gig, apparently. Anyway, listen, I was in bed this week and I was woken in the morning by what I thought was rain on the roof. And it's been... You know when you get a lovely spell of weather, which we've had in the southeast, you often get the big storm. And I was woken up by this sound of sort of...

And I opened my eyes and my son was standing there with an illuminated lightsaber. Actually, Kylo Ren's one with the cross handles on it. And you know what a lightsaber, this is like a top quality one, and when you wave it about... I know you've made a few quid.

When you wave it about, well, it's actually a gift from your friend Jonathan Ross. wave it about... I know you've made a few quid. When you wave it about... Well, it's actually a gift from your friend Jonathan Ross. And it goes... when you wave it about, if you touch anything with it. And the noise, was it reacting to the nearness of my nose? Because he was holding it right over my face, and it was going...

So I woke up to this thing. It was quite a thing to wake up to. It was quite frightening, especially when you're sort of half expecting to see Kylo Ren on the other end of it, which would have been shocking. It would have been charming. That would have been like when Bob Dylan tried to get to Dave Stewart's house and turned up at the wrong thing.

If Kylo Ren was in London and thought, I'll go and see Anthony Daniels, the player of C-3PO, and got things mixed up, that could have happened. But even then, would he have come upstairs and woke me up with his... Is Kylo Ren Adam Driver? Yes, that's right. He wouldn't come round my house. It's all right when I say it.

He's the godchild of the woman who played Betty Turpin in Corrin. Not the godchild, the grandchild. No, he's not. Yeah, but Betty Driver, that's, yeah. And did you think it was going to be a big father and son confrontation? Because often lightsaber duels do end up... Did you have yours ready?

This is the worry. I think it's all right. We can do us now on The Last Jedi can we, do you think? Of course he kills his father in that I'm not saying who his father is

Yeah it could be anyone Well it couldn't be anyone, it's probably going to be a bloke Yeah, it's not going to be Chewbacca Yeah so that was how he woke me up So, yeah, it's not going to be Chewbacca. Although. Yeah, so that was how he woke me up. And this week was a big Star Wars week for us, which I will explain in a second.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I went to see... Oh, we were talking about Adam Driver. I was just asking. Oh, lovely. Adam Driver plays Kylo Ren in the Star Wars films, if you don't know. And you woke up with your son Buzz holding a lightsaber over you,

much like when Luke was maybe going to kill Kylo Ren. Oh. Well, was he? Was he going to kill him? Oh, yeah. That is Kylo Ren's interpretation of a race. Whose side are you on? He should have said, excuse me, were you going to kill me then?

Yeah, but, you know, Paul McCartney, somebody from Wings said that they took a firearm into Paul McCartney's bedroom and held the gun next to his head and then changed their mind. When they saw how purple his hair was. Well, they took pity on him. They thought he'd suffer more to live like this. It looks like if Barney grew his hair.

I think that would be a bit of a life sentence for me, having to have aubergine hair if I'm honest. I think women can get away with multicoloured hair and young people. Women and young people. You know that Venn diagram. Anyway, meanwhile, Adam Driver.

Yeah, so women and young people of course, those are the only people that can sit on men's shoulders. Yeah. It's all gone a bit Titanic. Yeah, so, I wonder if they tried it on the Titanic. How many people have had to have been on your shoulders to save the life of the one

on top when the Titanic went down? Really quickly climbing on, like, posher and posher people getting on top. So, yeah, so, I went, oh no, I had to drive. In The Last Jedi, there's a bit where, you know,. So, yeah, so I went... Oh, no, I had a driver. I had a driver.

In The Last Jedi, there's a bit where, you know, he has, like, sort of mental contact with Rai, the female. You're not using that in a descriptive... No, no, they're connected in some way. There's a bit where they tune into each other and he hasn't got a shirt on. And she says to him, will you put a shirt on or something? Does she?

Yeah. I don't remember that. What an idiot. Yeah, she does. What an absolute idiot. But he is. Like Skype. Sorry, did you put some clothes on?

It is. Yeah. I might try that, just Skyping someone completely naked until they mention it. Yeah, give that a try. But I thought it looked a bit... It depends who you Skype. It'll be all right.

Can it not be me? Okay. You don't see anything on Skype. I rarely stand on Skype. That's like a stand-on ceremony. Yeah. I just stood for the whole Skype conversation. Do a shoulder Skype combo.

Maybe just a tiny pair of briefs. Let's split the difference. What about if you called me with Kath on your shoulders? Oh, I'd love that. That'd be brilliant. See, on Skype, a girlfriend on shoulders. It's not as good. I know.

Anyway, he's a very wide Adam driver. When he's topless in this thing, he has a hint of the SpongeBob about him. And it's weird because he's sort of got a good physique but it looks like it's... You're not suggesting he's out of shape, the guy.

No, he's the shape I think he's stuck with. He's white. He looks... He's square. You know how men with great physiques have a slightly... They slightly taper towards the waist. The V shape is the idea, isn't it? Yeah, he's like a...

Well, he's more like a W. No, it's not even a W, it's an M. If you take Anthony Johnson as the... Who? Oh, not Anthony Johnson. Anthony Joshua, sorry. OK. As the...

I was getting mixed up with another boxer, to be fair. Jack Johnson. Oh, yeah. But if you take him as the ultimate V-shape, yes? Yes. The ideal, where is he in relation to that? No, no, he goes straight down. You could hang a...

If you had a plumb line, you know the old carpenter's plumb line, if you hung that from one of his... If he knotted that to one of his armpit hairs, I think it would be touching flesh all the way. There wouldn't be that moment where the waist starts to depart from the straight line. He's straight down.

You know, he's like a robot-type trunk. Wow. He's got a robot trunk trunk. Wow. He's got a robot trunk. That's the bottom line, Adam Driver. They called him robot trunk at school. It's just a fabulously impressive level of forensic detail. Well, yeah.

I like the fact that Ray was a bit embarrassed by it. Can you put a shirt on? But maybe she was excited by it and she didn't want to, you know. Who's Ray? The girlfriend in the film? Yeah, Daisy Ridley. The girlfriend?

Emily! She's the warrior. Come on, everyday feminism. Sexism. Just because it's a woman doesn't mean it's the girlfriend. I just haven't seen it. And also, she couldn't, like, marry him. She'd be called Ray Wren. Rubbish.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So I went to see Solo this week. Yes. Solo, A Star Wars Story. Did you go with anyone else or by yourself? I went with my child who he was six on Wednesday

and he opened on Thursday so it all fitted into a fabulous birthday package unfortunately they showed

a trailer for Jurassic Park which scared the hell out of him and he couldn't

he didn't want to say I'm frightened so he said why is there so many adverts on before the film? I really felt sorry for him trying to brazen it out. And it's odd, because he's all right with the Star Wars films. Even when Darth Vader fell into lava

and his arms and legs got a bit burnt off. He's sort of alright with it. Although he did say to me when he went to his birthday party dressed as Darth Vader, am I supposed to smell of burning? But anyway...

That's getting deep into character. That is really impressive. I don't wish to open another tab on the browser. Oh, no, go on. But Darth Vader, what sort of footwear does he favour? I mean, does he go for a Mick Jagger black platform trainer or is it a leather boot or more of an Ugg? Ronnie Wood black Ugg.

Anyone, have you any ideas on his footwear choices? He wears Dunlop green flashes. But he's very badly dyed them black. No, he has a very sort of military boot. Oh, okay. Because the legs, I think the legs are, if I remember rightly, the legs are artificial. Yeah.

Oh, are they? Yeah. So is it all metal? I think he's got trousers on. He's got a cape. He's got a cape. He's thick set as well. That'd be good. What fabric are Darth Vader's trousers made out of?

8, 12, 15. Nylon. Of course, it could be a fabric from another planet, which we wouldn't know of. Oh, OK. But anyway, it was, yes. The only film I've watched with him, I watched Harry Potter,

which I thought was more of a kid-friendly, nice thing. So I watched the first one with him. A, there was a bit of swearing in it, which I wasn't anticipating. Ron. Ron's sweary. Yeah, and I thought, well, there was no warning about that that I saw. I actually tied, just for a few minutes tied to the idea of suing J.K. Rowling. But anyway, there's a bit where...

Hank's going to sue J.K. Rowling for swearing. Exactly. That'll run and run. Yeah, times have changed. Robbie Williams. Make sure she avoids your old DVDs. Put it this way, though.

It's a kid's film, and I can't tell you what the words were on this radio show. You know, yeah. I'm not saying they were Class A, but they were words. Yeah. But there's a bit where the evil villain, Voldemort, has got, like, one of his followers, and at one point, the bloke has got his own face,

but he's got Voldemort's face on the back of his head. Yeah, that's frightening. And that... Yeah. Buzz honestly had nightmares for about a week. Oh, no. I just remember thinking, that's great when he's been... If I had that when he's been naughty in the back of the car, that would be so handy.

Not great for concerts, though, because you'd have to keep turning round. Well, if you've got two faces, you could be doing photos with people whilst watching the gig. There must be many pluses of being two-faced. Good for show business, I've heard. That's great for show business.

That's absolutely brilliant. business. Absolutely brilliant. Pre-requisite. Yeah, one of the other pluses of having a face on the back of your head that isn't sexual, I'm putting that in brackets, 8, 12, 15. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Don't listen, JK.

Yeah, she'll be, I'm swearing her head off. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. She'll be, I'm swearing her head off. So yeah, so we went to see that solo. Solo, how was it? I liked it. I'll tell you what's good about it, is that you get a lot of those, this wouldn't be a spoiler.

So you get to know how Chewbacca and Han Solo met. Oh, shut up. Something you want to know. The barbers. I have genuinely always wanted to know that. Yeah? Really? Yes, because you know I'm obsessed by Chewie. You get the moment when he first sees the Millennium Falcon, which is a great moment.

Yeah. And most interestingly, you finally get an explanation as to why the front of the Millennium Falcon has got that sort of strange two-pronged, slightly broken look around it. Okay, let's get interested in that one. Oh, that was my big moment.

Aww. Yeah. That's so sweet. But it's about two and a half hours. But it was, it's about two and a half hours. So it was one of these, we were on like,

you know those cinemas when you're on a sofa? So I threw, 35 quid it cost me for him and me at the cinema. 35 quid.

Anyway, and it was one of these, you know when kids start fidgeting, at one point he was literally

upside down on the sofa with his feet over the back and so I had to sort that out, but no, I loved it What about when I saw Buzz this week, I ran into him before I went to pick Frank up actually to go to the Rolling Stones, and I was asking

him, he had a party, and I said did you have a nice time, tell me about your birthday I said, did you have an entertain time? Tell me about your birthday. He said, did you have an entertainer? And he went, yeah, there was all that. But I had some great presents. I like he dismissed that as sort of childish. Yeah, let's cut to the chase.

Yeah, something that had to be endured to keep the children happy. Yeah, there was all that. Well, he is a marvellous child. Oh, can I say, by the way, that I got a very nice parcel this morning from, I think it was from Down Under, wasn't it? There's no address on here. It was from a bloke called Rob, I'm thinking this is Barsi, B-A-R-C-I. And he sent me, it's a late birthday present.

My birthday was in January. But, you know, it's Australia. It probably came up with Don Bradman, the 1948 touring, sorry. So, first of all, he sent a Chance in a Million DVD for Emily. So thrilled about that, thank you. Which pertains to the greatest sitcom of all time. But he sent me a Doctor Who satchel and you can tell he listens a lot to the show

for various reasons. One, the satchel also included a small cut of Nine Tales. Ah. Yeah, for the old... You may know I'm an active member of the S&M community. Oh, right.

Did you know that, Gareth? No, I didn't. Oh, only the other day I put the telly on and I was looking at the things and I saw a floggy and I thought this will be good. What a letdown that was. Oh. And so obviously Doctor Who was well on the satchel,

was the other thing and a what would Jesus do bracelet so really he's covered all the bases so Rob thank you so much for that Rob and also do you remember I was asking what animal it is on the Schlesinger logo

oh yes it was a puma jaguar type thing it couldn't be a puma that would be too much of a coincidence that there's a rifle but he says it was a Puma Jaguar type thing. Well, it couldn't be a Puma. That would be too much of a coincidence that there's a rifle. But he says in a recent court case, there was a court case called Arctic Cat versus Schlesinger, that I would like to see the transcript of that. Yeah. And he said the Schlesinger logo was described as a Black Panther.

There's your answer. Okay, tremendous. logo was described as a black panther there's your answer okay tremendous have we had any answers to what fabric uh darth vader's trousers well no but we have had uh someone i was talking about his shoes earlier and someone has suggested that uh taxi joe in fact says he wears uh beige moccasins i mean he might at home yeah come on you You know that bit in Deadpool when the superhero gets in and puts Crocs on to relax? Well, do you think he does have comfy clothes, Vader? You never see him. Because it's a sort of life support machine as well, which is harder to fit into a pair of jacket buttons.

Oh, that's brought it down a bit. I didn't know that. Yeah, sorry about that. That's a bit depressing. Sorry, everyone. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Anyway, we have Gareth Richards with us this morning,

who's an occasional visitor to the show nowadays. Yeah. What's new, GR? Oh, I did a speed awareness course. Well, I was saying last week on this show, that's the new rave culture. What? We were talking about it last week, yeah.

Everyone I know who's done speed, I've set there as a punishment, and they've loved it. I bet you had the best time, am I right? No. Oh. I absolutely hated it. However, we had people...

That's reassuringly negative. I've met about three people who loved it and then we had people texting in saying, Oh, great day. I've kept in touch with some of the people. What? Well, someone said they had cake. There was an official photographer.

I mean... Do you think I ruined it for myself in some way? Like, I am miserable. Like, I don't like going to the park and things. Do you think I was supposed to... I'm wondering what are the things that follow the park. What would be the other things? What don't I like doing? Cinema?

Parties. I don't like parties. You're not going to like the party atmosphere at the Speed Awareness Corps, is there? No, that's the thing. It's a lot of mingling. So much mingling. Talking to strangers. Putting your hand up.

That was the worst thing. So did you honestly not like it? It was a mixture of so boring and incredibly stressful at the same time. There was just like a room full of people I don't know. That's a problem for me to start with. Can I stop you there? What, you were starting a comic? Yeah, but he doesn't seem any rooms full of people.

You've got to let it get away with it. No, but you... No, the thing is, if I've got a microphone... Oh, yeah. ..and I'm the only one talking, very, very happy. But no, everyone was chipping in with the jokes and stuff. Do you know... Oh, that's what it is.

You talking about it being boring, I was talking to our Keith on the phone this week. Not Keith Richards. No. Keith Collins, my brother. And he was telling me that Charles Dickens coined the word boring, that no one used the word boring

before Charles Dickens. Oh, really? Shocker. I'm just worried about what context Keith was using it you in. Had you just been talking for a while or something? OK, yeah, exactly. I think he was being subtle. Did you know? He sort of went, freaking boring.

Charles Dickens. I was so fascinated by the fact I never put two and two together. I do think Dickens' books tend to be not as good as you think they're gonna be really it's a lot of do you think that's why i invented for him for reviews i remember honestly laughing out loud at the pickwick papers on public transport and what was great i was reading a very old the internet well i was reading a very old internet well i was reading a very old edition and which looked a bit like a bible and i think it must have looked like i was reading the bible on the train and absolutely cracking up which nobody does that so anyway it was boring and

stressful yeah and just hearing other people talk and you know in stand-up comedy it's annoying we you have to be quite... You know, I'm used to people being quite entertaining. If they're going to talk out loud in front of people... Yeah. There was a... Oh, that was me. There was some mangled sayings,

which are, you know when people put two different sayings together? Oh, yeah. One of the instructors said something, you know, referring to something being very difficult, he said it was like pulling hen's teeth. And he wasn't joking. Oh, no, no, no. No, I said my own partner,

my own beloved partner said to me, and he looked at me like a goldfish in the headlights. And I thought, you've been driven home by Senator Edward Kennedy. And he's forgotten as well, anyway. Yeah, that's weird. Anyway, OK, so there's a bit of that. Yeah.

Yes, people chipping in with their own bits of wisdom. Like an older lady said, When I learnt to drive, the instructor said to me that I was in charge of a lethal weapon. Huh? Well, maybe the way you drive, love. Yeah, she was fully armed as well.

She had her shoulder holstered. She didn't mention that. Couldn't hear what she was saying because she was sitting on her husband's shoulders. It was anyone. See, the party atmosphere, we've been told about the speed. I thought there might have been

at least one young woman on somebody's shoulder. I wish someone had walked in like that and gone, Of course you could do it in a convertible, Eric. Yes. Well, I'm thinking of buying one of those, so I might do that now. Thinking of buying a convertible? Yeah. Can I talk you out of it?

Am I too old? Well, I hired one once in the south of France. And? First of all, the sunburn I had was so bad. Right. But also... That's because you don't prep properly for things like that. You can't wear a hat in a convertible.

Oh, do what I like. That's the title of my new single, by the way. Oh, you can't wear a hat in a convertible. It just won't work. I don't think a lady who spends as much time on the hair as you, Em, should get a convertible. Also, I was driving through France and I had a map,

an elaborately marked map of where my holiday home was. The wind got in the convertible. In my rear view mirror I could see it going down the motorway like miles. So the map just suddenly went. I know, but I don't use maps.

I know, but it could have other things in there. What about my dog? What about if it was a fashion magazine? I really wouldn't. Yeah, the dog could be whipped. Yeah, the dog. It'd be whipped away. It'd have to have been tethered down.

The dog could be going down the motorway like tumbleweed. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinoy weed. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Lovely. So Clive Silas has got in touch with this on Twitter and said, Gareth was on a speed awareness course.

Was he being made aware there are speeds higher than 25 miles per hour? Sick burn. Well, that's supposed to mean shots fired. Frighteningly accurate. It's true

that I can't really imagine you putting your foot down. No, I mean, I wasn't. I mean, I apologise to the nation and I'm trying to mend my ways, but it wasn't wildly. Let's not overstate our reach here at the nation and I'm trying to mend my ways but it wasn't wildly. Let's not overstate our reach here. The nation.

Yeah. Five men in Rolling Stones t-shirts. I can't know. Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'd like a Rolling Stones t-shirt. You know the big tongue which I was saying to Emily

is probably one of the top ten great logos of all time. Including all the big companies. I thought what would be a good one is in hospitals they could have them with a white coating on the tongue to show you're ill. Ah. Wouldn't that be a lovely touch?

I can imagine you having it, yeah. Yeah, I'd quite like that. Or have it pierced. Anyway, sorry, carry on. Thermometer in it, if you're feeling a bit poorly. Gareth? Gareth! So it was very boring. Speed awareness. It was very boring.

But also, it was quite stressful, right, because I am a worrier. Right? Yeah. I often think about all the possible things that could go wrong in life. Well, if that was true, you wouldn't be speeding. Get out. Well, this was...

What were you doing, just FYI? I mean, not FYI, MI. What I did, I was doing 80 in a 70 miles an hour. What the... Hey. Come on. I apologise. Take it easy.

I made a mistake. Yeah. Come on I apologise Take it easy I made a mistake Yeah Can you do less than 80 in a 17 mile lap? On a dual carriageway? Yeah Well, you know, from now that everyone else is driving You're that idiot You're that idiot in front of me only doing 80 Easy Exactly Middle lane, of course Yeah Okay In front of me only doing 80. Easy.

No, exactly. Middle line, of course. Yeah. Okay. I still haven't really got what you didn't. Why was it stressful? Well, because what they do, the whole idea of it is that they're punishing you

by making you think about what could happen. I don't think that's punishing. I think they're trying to, instead of punishing you with points, they're trying to prevent it from happening again. It's like having a library in a prison. Yeah, it's the idea that you can be rehabilitated. Yeah.

Turns out I couldn't. And what they do, in a very non-confrontational way, by asking lots of questions, they try and make you think about bad things happening oh so you know it's all let's say um what if you lost your license what would happen then you know would you would you lose your job well you'd be in trouble how would you how would you pay the bills what would happen if you didn't pay all your bills did i say that how would you pay your mortgage if you

are you just in a chair with an angle-poised lamp? That's what it felt like. It doesn't sound at all like the party atmosphere we've had this time. No! What if you hit someone at 30 miles an hour? What would happen to them? Would they live? Would they be okay? Would they be injured?

I think you'd do a bit of... What if it was an old person? Who would look after them? I thought it was all... Did you say who would look after them? Yeah. If you were injured, who would look after you? Would they be able to quit their job?

How would you pay the bills? Let's call that. Did they get your partner on the phone? What if you hit someone at 40 miles an hour? What then? Would they be okay? Would you go? What if you hit someone at 40 miles an hour? What then? Would they be okay? Would you go to prison if you hit someone at 40 miles an hour? Oh, God!

Was there any answers to any of these questions? Well, I think, yeah, they were rhetorical questions. Well, we're all going, oh. You seem to... And I got very... There was a point where I was like, I need to stop listening to this. You need to stop driving.

Because it's really stressing me out, yeah. Yeah. Next thing you know, you need to stop listening to this. You need to stop driving. Because it's really stressing me out, yeah. Yeah. So, like... Next thing you know, you'll be observing the speed limit. That'd be awful. I mean, how would we get around? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I want to talk about Ronaldinho this morning. Yes. Because you were called... I was not born in legend. Well, you were called a legend. That word was being bandied around a lot last night. Yes. Legend, Frankie.

But I'm sorry, Frank. He really is a legend in more ways than one. I'm not saying you're not. No. But are you about to marry two women? No. Okay. He is. I should say, this story came out and then he denied

it. He said, this is the biggest lie, which immediately made me think it was true. It's not the biggest lie, surely. Exactly. We all know who's responsible for that. I don't. Well, Hitler. He was the one who, I mean, I'm not comparing him to him. It was the biggest lie. I don't. Well, Hitler. He was the one who... I mean, I'm not comparing him to him.

It was the biggest lie. Yeah. Oh. Oops. I'm so... No, that was his advice. He said lie big. If only Hitler had been happy

with just marrying two women. He said lie big. So he lives with two women, doesn't he? Yeah. Ronaldinho. Lives with two women is generally followed by the phrase at his £ million pound mansion as opposed to in his bedsit in Tottenham

are you suggesting these women don't love him for his inner spirit well I don't know he did have one girlfriend was called Priscilla and he was dating her and then he started dating Beatrice and now he's back with Priscilla but that's quite nice because a lot of men,

especially men of his status, they would have dumped the first one when they started going out with the second one. She would have been through all that. This is true, yeah. Whereas now he's managed to accommodate the pair. Yeah, but how do you spin that one? Well, you know, it's often occurred to me...

How do you have that convo? It's often occurred to me that, um, practically, a menage a trois, forget the physicals, right, it would just, it's practically, it's a better idea than a couple. I think so. Every decision me and Kath have to make, there's two of us, so there's no casting vote.

We don't have Len Goodman with the casting vote. So it's no casting vote. We don't have Len Goodman with the casting vote. So it's all two people. So if I say, well, no, we should send Boz to this summer camp and I say, no, I don't want to, where do we go from there? We can't bring in the ombudsman. They won't work for the domestic situation. So purely on a decision-making basis. On a vote, on a democratic thing.

You're going to get a two against one. But on that situation, would you prefer two men and one woman? Or two women and one man? Well, look, obviously there's pros and cons. If there was another bloke, purely on a decision-making level. Tell me about the cons, I can't see any.

Well, if there was two, if I was in a relationship and there was another bloke and a woman, I would feel that my... That's where you find yourself right now. Yeah, I would feel it had lightened my load somewhat. If I wanted to say, you know what, I just fancy a night of Doctor Who,

they're still, you know, they've got company downstairs. Downstairs? And that's a nice thing. You should cover your face, athletes. Yeah, sorry. And if there's two women, then it's nice for them to have someone to talk to.

Yeah. Don't you think if you said, I fancy Doctor Who, the guy would be like, oh, that sounds good. Oh, no, but I'd say, look, it's my night for Doctor Who, Geoff. I could see Ida and Nuff in the kitchen. So you'd be squabbling over who gets Doctor Who.

No, because she'd have a casting vote and she'd say, I've got something I want to discuss with Geoff tonight. You go and watch your Doctor Who. I'll see you tomorrow. I'd say, OK, darling. Geoff, enjoy. And then I'll be honest.

I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often. It makes such sense. I also think three people, there's less... You know, for childcare, you've got a bit more space. I don't think childcare is why he's got two girlfriends. Well, no, probably not. He always liked to play with two up front. Oh, yeah.

I always think it would be nice for... Because Laura goes to work and I stay at home, so it would be nice to have some help around the house. Just having another man around. As I say, these women are having a lovely deal. I'm used to it, aren't they? And also, it would be nice for the kids to have a positive male role model.

Yeah, they could have someone who drove at 90 miles an hour. No, but you could, yeah. If I could have a bloke, for example, who wasn't that bright, and that would give my child a different... Someone to talk to. Different thing. Someone who wasn't funny, Sam. Obviously, I don't want someone who I'm going to be competing with.

I wouldn't want another male comic in the house. Oh, can you imagine? If you had to choose another male comic. Yeah, that's a great question. It'd be you, Gav. Oh, thank you. For the same reasons. Make it up, make it up while you will.

But you're not that keen on Doctor Who, are you? My great lure... Go on. One of my first thoughts when I read this story was, you know when you get... Probably because I'd just watched The Royal Wedding last week, is you know that bit when they come down the aisle after and everyone's cheering when the bride and groom walk back down arm in arm?

He can actually do that thing that kids do and take his feet off the floor when he comes back down because he'll have one bride arm in arm. He can actually do that thing that kids do and take his feet off the floor when he comes back down because he'll have one bride on each arm. Now that would be a joy. Imagine that wedding photo. Ronaldinho with his feet off the floor holding their arms. Oh,

come on. Worth it for that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. Gareth, speed awareness Richards. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I don't feel like we've had as much contact from the outside world as we usually have.

Well, we have. We've had some whatever-happened-tos, which I like. OK. We've had whatever-happened-to, the Jolly Green Giant. Oh, yeah, who's that from? Do we know? Now you're asking. Oh, sorry.

But whilst I locate her name... Could you tell me, is he on the Sweetcorn? I think he's still on the Sweetcorn. Can you tell me, is he on the sweet corn? I think he's still on the sweet corn. Can I tell you what I always liked about him? He was a very early adopter of the one-shoulder look. Oh, was he? Yeah, he had a one-shoulder, made out of bay leaves, I seem to recall. Yes, he was leafy.

A micro-mini bay-leaved one-shoulder. Yeah, and he's based, I think, the old um pagan idea of the green man you know the sort of bringer of spring and it's quite a sort of sinister sort of very early adopter yeah um which to me the sweet corn doesn't really fit in with that sort of very mystical pagan england sweet corn is sweetcorn from England? I don't think it is. It was Sam King, by the way, who sent that in. Sam King.

It feels very Californian. I think it's a Native American maze. Anyway. Text in on 8-12-15. No doubt. And we had another whatever happened to from Simon in Swansea who says, whatever happened to the Bermuda Triangle? And people, boats and planes disappearing.

People, boats and planes. When I was younger, it seemed to be a yearly occurrence and was also used to describe many situations. Well, I think I might have told you before that when I was a youth, it was what you talked about if the conversation dried up. So if you was in a pub and it went wrong, be you talking to a client going first date or just with your mate,

and at that moment you go, anyway, someone would say, so what the Bermuda Triangle? Anyway, someone would say, so what's the Bermuda Triangle? And it was like a thing that you know how people used to learn etiquette and stuff or they learn how to dance as a social skill. Yes, yeah. You need the bare bones of what happened with the Bermuda Triangle to be able to join into those conversations. So it was. I still I watched a documentary about it recently, I still have a soft spot for it for that reason

but yeah it's not something, people are so cynical nowadays oh what do you mean they wouldn't believe it they'd send you, this is what they do on Twitter didn't happen, totally didn't happen yeah or no Pixar it didn't happen or there'd be a thing about it

being a big conspiracy theory and it's not mystical. Anyway, I don't know what happened to it. It's still there as far as I know. Maybe it's... Of course, it wouldn't be the first triangle that had disappeared in the modern world. Good night.

So... Heavens to Betsy. Ronaldinho over at the mansion with Priscilla and Beatrice. Fantastic. Strangest Cluedo ever. He's proposed to both of them? Did he do one at a time? Or did he do both?

What question are you asking? He's denied it. He treats them very equally, it sounds. They get the same allowance. £1,500. But how much? A week? I was hoping a day. He didn't say a time scale.

Well, that kind of work. Maybe that's got to last them. Have you seen the guy? £1,500 a year. Have you seen the guy? I want £1,500 an hour. £1,500? If he's giving them £1,500 a year, that's human trafficking.

And so if you... So when you propose to one woman, you get down on one knee. Is it a knee per woman? Yeah, so you just get down on both knees. So you get down on no knees. You do the cobra, that popular yoga move, when you just sort of arch your back incredibly. He gives them the same presents. He bought them the same perfume, which

was a little bit creepy. Yeah, I think they could have just got one bottle, fire it into the air, and they both walked through it. I think Skinner'd run a safe on the money. I think you want to odour code people so you know you can tell people by odour.

No, no, but I think there is a temptation here, I think, especially in the modern world, to see him as the bad guy in all this. But the pictures of them together, they look like a really happy trio. Okay. I mean, you know... I just worry about what happens on the rollercoaster.

I mean, if there's only the space for two, there's always going to be... Don't forget the shoulders. Yeah, it's... I mean, his view of it seems very different from the... There are three people in this marriage that our Queen of Hearts came out with. He seems to have made it work.

Yeah. Well, we say he's made it work. I mean, the story's not over yet. Of course, the three people in the marriage thing, which was, you know, obviously involved Prince Charles. Wasn't he the Ronaldinho of his day? Well, it wasn't... I'm just thinking about it.

I don't think it... It wasn't agreed upon. I think there's different terms for that. This seems like a... But this is our family. ...a consensual, agreed, everyone's into it. Ronaldinho did it by, you know, conversation and agree. And Charles did it by decree, which is how they do stuff.

Okay. I think hip, hip, Hip that he did the other week instead of Hip Hip shows he's a man who, he's not interested in a couple. He likes a trio, generally. But it's a similar principle. What I'm saying is Ronaldinho, if you compare those two situations,

Ronaldinho is the good guy because it's all open, it's all up front, it's all agreed by the looks of it. OK. Come on, guys. I'm worried about the wedding song, though, because who gets to choose? There's always going to be someone left in the corner here. What do you do in the wedding dance?

The hokey-cokey. But, you know, which bride do you go with? No, but again, the decision will be easier because there's three people voting. We'll go for your song. No, your song. Yeah, our song. Could be cool.

Our price. Oh no, that's been... Stuck in the Middle With You? Something like that. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I like it.

Yeah, what should be the wedding song for Ronaldinho's wedding? 8, 12 like it. Yeah, what should be the wedding song for Ronaldinho's wedding? 8, 12, 15. You'd probably let the women decide between them, wouldn't you? As he often says, two heads are better than one. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had the self-control to not go on about it,

but I would like to briefly mention I was nominated this week for an award for my podcast. Oh, congratulations. Yes, well done. For the Walking the Dog podcast. Don't say well done because I lost. No, no, but well done for the nomination. Nomination's very good.

I mean, this doesn't mean anything. If you'd won, I don't think you would have started by saying I was nominated this way. You'd have gone for it. Well, I don't think I'd have waited three hours to talk about it if I'd have won. Come on. We should say that Emily does a podcast in which she, her and a celebrity take a dog for a walk and they talk. We talk, my friend.

It's very good. I'm a big fan. Well, it's nominated for an award. You did it, did you, Frank? Are we allowed to mention that? Too late. No, we aren't. We actually aren't allowed to mention that. Oh, no.

I had one of those toy ones on wheels. Yeah. You know, those ones that help children to learn to walk. With the orange wheels. You know, when I get old and I need a Zimmer frame, I'm going to get a big one of those walking dog things. I'm going to get one of those.

That's a good idea. When Ray pops his clogs. Yeah, and I'll have a zip down the spinal cord, and keep stuff in there. I love those pyjama cakes. So anyway, do you want to hear about when I didn't win? Of course you do! I don't want to hear about you not winning,

but I want to hear about the night. It's horrible not winning, isn't it? Let's be honest. It's the worst thing. I've got used to it. Well, I'll tell you what's awful. I don't mind. You go for the Rick to smile when Radio 4 go up to collect the award. But I have to be honest. Radio 4, they don't need it, do they? Time goes slowly when you're losing.

It's like going around your gran's house, Radio 4. You know what you're being like? You're being like those people that say that your ex's new partner, oh, she's nothing compared to you. Yeah, you dodged a bullet there. It's hard to say that about winning an award. I did win the award too. You dodged a bullet there.

Poison Chalice, that podcast award. I ended up saying to my representative, I said, how bad does it look if I just get up and leave now? Because I don't want to stay. Yeah. And she said, I think you have to stay a bit longer. I said, well, how long? And then we worked out that there's pressure on you to actually stay to the very end if you lost.

Let's be honest. See, that's crazy. Really? Can you imagine being at an award ceremony where for the last award there's just the five nominees there? Everyone else has gone. That'd be brilliant. I'd love that.

And your podcast is the Walking the Dog podcast, so surely you've got the perfect excuse to... I know. As long as you have a lead in your hand. But I had a great... It could be an extended lead going out the door. With my agent holding me at the other end. Yeah, just get one of the work experience

from the agency just to hold that. And then as soon as you don't win, yeah, that'd be all right. But I had a treat, an unexpected treat, which hit me up. Sibonia. I was chewing away on that marrow. Because, you know,

they have entertainment at these events. I've never been nominated for a podcast award. I'll be straight with you. Okay, but it's like the radio ones that we used to do, which they don't do anymore. Oh, no, they did, because we won one this year. But it's a bit different now. Yeah.

It's more of a rave now. It's good that you've forgotten that. They still do them. Oh, we won it. Oh, can't we? Oh, yeah, we won it. What did we win again? I gave a speech and everything.

Yeah, you did. A very funny one as well. So I... Thank you. I was delighted to see that the entertainment was Zoe Lyons. Friend of the show. Friend of the show.

And shall I continue this or can I... Why don't we leave it on the Zoe Lyons cliffhanger? I love one of those. This is how we identify the Zoe Lyons cliffhanger. I'm excited.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I... Zoe Lyons. Zoe Lyons has come on stage. Mm. Which is a nice feeling and makes up... And she was great, can I just say.

She was really good. I mean, a lot of alcohol had been imbibed by the... By the audience. She is a bit of an... No, she's funny. She's funny. That's what she is. She was great.

But I wanted to ask you two, as professional comics, a question. Obviously, I'm sat in the audience, front row table, thanks for that, making me think I'd won. That's the best review Gareth's ever had. Because I'm sat on the front table, I'm thinking, well, I've won. Wouldn't you have thought that? Oh, yeah, definitely. I know.

Thanks for that, guys. So I'm sitting there, but it meant I thought, oh, I don't want to make eye contact with Zoe. Now, is that a reasonable concern? Because my assumption is if you know the person on stage, does it throw you if you recognise someone? If I'm going to see someone I know, I always sit as far back as I can.

OK. Gareth? Yes, I would not sit at the front. I'd avoid sitting at the front. Oh, great, okay. Well, I was right in the front. But if you're put there, you don't really... What can I do? So I thought, well, I turn my back.

Although I do think of that time at Tea in the Park when I was in the front row and Ronan Keating came on and waved to me. That was a special moment. But I think for singers, it's not such a big deal. That's when you need two faces. I needed another face at the back, but a different face to mine. So I'm sitting there, Frank, and I thought,

well, I don't want her to see my face, because I don't want to throw her. And she's doing really well, but she asks a question. Did you have a Guy Fawkes mask in your handbag? V for Vendetta. Yeah. I didn't carry it with me that night. But she asks a question, and it's related to drink,

you know, who does she like to drink. She then turns her attention to our table, and I think, and she says, what do you guys like to drink? Anyone here on this table? And then there was a bit of silence, and I thought, i don't want i don't i need we need to answer this but i can't do it so the man sitting next to me was one of the very important people at the times who's kind of the head of digital and kind of my boss and i kicked him really hard with my shoe. And I went, answer. And he didn't know the connection with Zoe.

He didn't know anything. So I just kicked him and said, answer. And he said, shabbily. Which I liked. I wish you'd have just blurted out Tia Maria. And Zoe went with it. And it was great. And she knows, as I say, she did brilliantly.

But then this man, I think he does think I'm a bit strange now because I never explained it why didn't you oh you didn't explain it no I don't know why I just left it hopefully he listens to this

well now he thinks I'm Violet's psychopath he's probably listening to this as a sort of you know because he's in the balance about sacking you he's probably listening to this

to see if he can because I lost finally made his mind no because you kicked him no apparent reason and I lost and confessed that he got a drink problem Listen to this to see if you can finally mind his mind. No, because you kicked him. And I lost. And confessed that he got a drink problem. The public situation, they're not going to like that, the head of digital.

Is there anybody that works in the media who's got the word digital in there? That's what you need after your name now. That and two wives. Digital smidgetal, I say. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Can I tell you something else that happened?

The posh boss guy next to me, he did something which I quite liked, actually, because it was quite you, Frank. He just leaned over, looked at my phone, and he said, 15%. I'd never go out with less than 80. Oh, on your power? Yeah. And it was just a little opposite. He just leaned over

and said, 15%. He was really short. When he said, go out with, was that a rejection? No, I am like that. I'm forever charging. I'm always, I want to keep it.

Amounts of times, Kath will get the phone and she says, oh, it's running out. Yeah, she'll go on vapour on the phone. And I know I want it heavy. I want it oozing power. That's what I want. Speaking of oozing power, Adam has said, 680, Darth Vader's trousers are Kevlar and intergalactic polyester blend.

Oh, okay. Thanks, Adam Driver, I imagine. Yeah. How does he, where's he get them from? Well, William in Belfast said Darth Vader's trousers were made of black velour, though in the Star Wars universe it was four layers of different materials, top layer being Dura Steel. Okay, because velour is that sort of slightly velvet finish, isn't it?

It's the slight kids in the 70s sweatshirt. But if I was Darth Vader, I would not go for that, because that's going to collect the bits. Well, you don't... You don't want lint on Darth Vader. When you're making your big speech. No. You know when you get, like,

sometimes you see on people's trousers, like, one piece of cotton that's formed as sort of an interesting doodle shape. You don't want that on. You don't want Luke leaning across to pick a bit of fluff during a battle. No. Although, to me me the greatest moment

in the whole Star Wars universe was after every gun has been trained on Luke in The Last Jedi. And when the smoke clears, not only is he still standing there, but he just flicks a tiny bit of ash off his shoulder. That to me, just talking about

that makes me happy. So, owls of... Oh, you can't say that. That, to me, just talking about that makes me happy. So, owls of... Oh, you can't say that. No, you can't say that. No, you can't say that. God forbid. I'll tell you, I'll tell you what was in the...

I know we're in World Cup year, but it looks like they've finally solved the missing Jules Rimet trophy mystery. Because it was stolen, is that right? It was stolen in 66 from a Stanley Gibbons stamp exhibition. Which reminds me, I remember a World Cup exhibition being advertised where they said features a life-size World Cup Willie?

Now, World Cup Willie was the mascot for 66. But as he was a fictional character, how do you establish life-size? Great point. And what sort of character was he? Lion. Who's a lion?

You know, British. I see. I mean, obviously, England was the team, but it's in the days when England and Britain were very much confused. So the Union Jack was used for England rather than the Cross. Yeah, but he was, the World Cup song in 66 was by Lonnie Donegan. You know him? Yeah. Yeah. Pig Iron. He was Pig Iron. He was Pig Iron, of course. But it was a dressed in red, white and blue World Cup, Willie.

Yeah, that was it. Hardly 30 years of her. No, exactly, but it was still in liquid form, the football song, at that stage. But no, you never hear it come up on the great anthems. Anyway, so it seems...

Let's leave them on the cliffhanger of the world exclusive, which is what they call it. They know now who stole the World Cup. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So these blokes... The gangsters. Yeah.

Sydney and Reg, which is interesting that they're gangsters because that's not very gangster-y, is it? No, there's always an Andredge in every good criminal double act. Yeah. So, big shock horror, the people who stole the World Cup were criminals. Yeah. Yeah, I thought they were. What were they doing at the stamp collecting?

Stealing the World Cup. Oh, yeah, of course, that'd be... They probably went there specially. They weren't opportunist thieves. They planned it out. Well, they were... Reg's son, Gary, has said... I mean, I haven't spoken to him personally,

but apparently he said he nicked it just for the thrill. But they tried to get rid of it, and unsurprisingly, perhaps, it was recognised for everything she did I think it was just for the thrill but I seem to remember there was a ransom demand Yeah, they did that for the thrill as well

I have to say one of the stupidest rules I've ever heard in sport and I have studied sport my whole life was this idea that when the World Cup started that if anyone won the Cup three times, they got to keep the trophy. What was the logic? Why would they do that?

So Brazil won it three times, and now it's there forever. Of course, Brazil, they love things in threes, as we know. But who thought, oh, Tim, what we should add to the thing, if anyone wins it three times, they get to keep it. Wouldn't people say, what do you want to do that for? What do we gain from that clause? Hey, Frank, I'll tell you what I love. The one detail I liked was that to carry out the theft,

they wore a brown removals coat. Yeah, I mean, that is so Benny Hill. So Benny Hill. I remember in the Woolworths, in Oldbury, where I grew up, some blokes in brown removal coats came in and took six paraffin heaters. In three different trips,

they came in and took and came back. And because they had those brown overalls, no one asked them. So there was a time... That was your access all over, was the brown removal. It was. If you wore that, you could basically walk in anywhere and people would think, oh, it's... They wouldn't even question it.

Wow. Especially if you were carrying a pane of glass across the road. I want to know. The idea was that the thing was wrapped up in newspaper and Pickles the dog found it. He found it, Pickles. But dogs don't, why would it be attracted to a lump of gold-plated silver? Yeah, unless

they put some bone marrow in it. Yeah, maybe they've been using it as a gravy bowl. But it's right, you know, in films I used to go out with a woman who worked in films and every time we watched anything on the telly where a dog went into a room or something she'd say gravy

that's how they get them to go anywhere put a trail of gravy they'll walk into a volcano anyway little insight there into the world of film so it's are we finished? that is the end

yeah thank you so much for listening for listening today thank you Gareth for coming oh yeah

Gareth oh that's embarrassing and then he said Claire that would I think there are all three of you in the relationship now Gareth Richards

who will be at the Edinburgh Festival this year, if you'd like to check him out. What venue are you at? Whistlebinkies. Okay. Remember that.

That's a real thing. Yeah? No, no, I didn't. I thought it was a sort of a thing that you said for good luck or something. Yeah, go and see Gareth at Whistlebinkies. I will. Yeah.

And, yes, so if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.