The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Footlace

Episode Date: August 22, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has some questions about Hovercrafts. He has yet another troubling incident when he isn't recognised AND he offends a Goth. The team also discuss Ashley Maddison, Gareth Bale's music taste and inspirational tunes.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Because summer is too good for just salad. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Let's not mess around. Oh.

Are hovercrafts still operational on the coast of this island? Yes, very much so. Are they? Frank, yes. How do you know? I have just searched it on the internet. We don't search stuff on the internet. We're not allowed.

There's no Google rule. I didn't know that. Well, that's the end. We don't search stuff on the internet. We're not allowed. There's no Google rule. I didn't know that. Well, that's the end. What are we talking about now? You can get a family day return for just £25. Family day return to where? Anywhere. Anywhere?

Australia. The Isle of Wight. What about New York? Have you ever been to... Have you ever been on a hovercraft? Yes, I have. It is one of the most, it is the noisiest thing I've ever travelled on in my life. You get on it.

They treat it like a flight, so they've got like air steward. And they call it a flight. You know, actually. Can I say how depressing would that be, being cabin crew on the hovercraft? I know, I know. See the world, they say. Hovering and flying, it's a fine line. But I mean, the skirt hovering. See the world, they say. Hovering and flying, it's a fine line. But I mean, the skirt

is always, you know the skirt on them? Not on the cabin crew? No, on the hovercraft. It's always in contact with the water, so it's not a flight. It moves a bit like, I imagine, do you know in Metamorphosis, when the character

turns into a big insect, I imagine his lower leg sections are a bit like the skirt of the... I'm thinking the Holly Valance on the bed. The Valance. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. It's a black leathery thing.

But anyway, it's so loud. They start it off. You cannot have a conversation on Albuquerque. They say, right, I hope you enjoy the flight. We're now leaving for... They loud. They start it off. You cannot have a conversation on hovercraft. They say, right, I hope you enjoy the flight. We're now leaving for... They do. They do a safety thing. We're not on an aeroplane. Why are you pretending? They call it a flight. They call it a hover.

They do. They don't. So you choose. I know most people who have grown up on multiple choice. That's how we're doing the show this week. So that's Frank's new game show They do, they don't We'll find out 8 o'clock tonight, ITV

They do, they do So they say right enjoy the flight And off we go Do you want coffee? Do you want what? Coffee? Honestly it's incredible So I'm glad They're still operational Maybe they've quietened down I don't know what! Coffee! Honestly, it's incredible. So, I'm glad they're still operational.

Maybe they've quietened down, as they've got. I don't imagine it's a thing they're still pouring a lot of technological research into the hovercraft. That would be a good area to work in, wouldn't it? Hovercraft technology. When I was a kid, it was like the thing. You know we talk about facts that people know, like Gary Oldman's sister is Big Mo. Yeah.

Christopher Cockrell invented the hovercraft and that was one of those facts that people used to tell you even though everyone knew it. Because the hovercraft was so much at the centre of our universe. Oh, is that right? I thought by now we'd have personal hovercrafts

by which we travelled around the streets. Yeah. But it didn't happen. People have stuck with legs under the skirt. Yeah, they have mainly. That's true. There's the... What are those?

Segways? Oh, the Segway. That's the one Piers Morgan's got on. You could wear a skirt over the one Piers Morgan's got on. You could wear a skirt over the top of one of those. Yeah. That would look pretty, quite camber-wick green. Oh, like a long armish one, yeah.

If you wore an elaborate ball gown and got your segway underneath, you'd cut quite a figure coming down the road. Wouldn't you worry about the skirt getting sucked under, though? Because what if... Oh, that'd be terrible. It would all look a bit Nicki Minaj, wouldn't it? You'd just pull it right down the front. Yes.

This is getting quite technical, boys. Yeah. You'd have to wear... This is how geniuses work, Em. This is how... You've got to work out the box. You'd have to wear Union Jack underpants. That's what everyone in the 70s, if their trousers got ripped off, that's what they were wearing on today.

And with women, it was always stocking to the suspenders, even whatever line of work they were in, businesswomen, all sorts. Yeah. Times have changed. Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, Gareth Richards. The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. So, we've had hovercraft-based correspondence. Yes, 1973 is back.

This is from Duncan. He says, as a member of the Hovercraft Club of GB... Respect. Yes, a lot of effort to make them quiet is going on. It's still ongoing. And the UK is holding the world champs, if you would like to come. I can imagine the members of the Hovercraft Club of GB use the word

things like champs. What do you think the championships, do they race? It's noise reduction. Or is it how high do you hover? I reckon it's a race of some sort. How high do you hover? How high do you a race of some sort. How high do you hover?

How high do... Isn't that a Bee Gees song? How high do you hover? How high do you hover? Uh, Jane... I'd like to know, but I can't hear a blooming thing over the noise. Oh, they are attractive boys.

What was that? Sorry, I just had to rhyme. Strangest thing you've ever said. I just had to rhyme something. What about when Frank just told a joke off-air and Daisy, the producer, as he told the joke and he sat there so proud of his punchline, and Daisy, the producer, went, what happened next?

Yes. It's a tough life. It wasn't my joke. It wasn't your joke. It wasn't your joke. Frank, we had some news in from Jane, Gareth. She says... She said Tarzan's fell over. Send an ambulance. The hovercraft had better still be running

as I'm getting one from Ride to Portsmouth shortly. Oh. OK, so it's noisy, but you're only on that trip for ten minutes, so who cares? Like life, really. Oh. OK, so it's noisy, but you're only on that trip for ten minutes, so who cares? Like life, really. It's treated as a flight because it gets, she said, certificated under, it might be certified, I think,

under aviation regs rather than marine regs. Yeah, but that's the odd thing about it, is you're so, everything tells you you're on a boat. And there's people talking about the flight. She says invented and built here on the Isle of Wight, so we're quite proud of it. Yes, well, fair enough. The Isle of Flight, I call it.

What happened next? Well, I'm going to buy one. They must be selling them off now, a lot of the originals. What are you going to do with that? Would it travel on land? I think they do travel on land, don't they? Yes, they do travel on land. I've seen it.

I remember it from Blue Peter. Yeah, that would be brilliant. I wonder if they still have hovercrafts. You could get a job cleaning at the same time. I don't like... You could vacuum on a mass scale. I don't like the sound of you... There's a lot of sucking and blowing

if you're vacuuming as well as hovering. Yeah, I know. No, but when does it blow? Oh, it blows, doesn't it, a hovercraft? I think it must blow. It's a lot of sucking and blowing if you're vacuuming as well as hovering. Yeah, I know. No, but does it blow? Oh, it blows, doesn't it, a hovercraft? I think it must blow. If it sucked, it would fill with water. We're still talking about hovercraft, 2017. No, it's...

2015. We're talking about hovercraft for 20 minutes, Frank. Let me tell you something that happened to me this week. Yeah. I was in central London, a large conurbation in the south-east of England when a woman came up to me and said

can I have a fart? And I said yes, you can. Can I have a fart? Yes. And she said my husband is mad about you. She said I'll be honest with you. And I thought, oh, God. Can I give everyone a tip?

Don't be honest with us. Don't be honest with Frank. Don't be honest with me. Don't be honest with Emily. I was really happy with my husband's mad about you. Yeah, that's plenty. Yeah. Oh, it gets worse.

I need for honesty. It gets worse. I love it when women say that to me. Yeah, she said... I'm positively encouraging. It isn't usually leading to quite an awkward conversation. Anyway, she said, my husband's mad about you. She said, but, you know, to be honest, I'm not interested in cars.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. And I thought, OK, have I been talking about parking too much on the radio show, or does she think I'm someone else? And then her, what looked like family and friends at first, arrived. And she, we were having our photo done, she was doing a selfie. She points at me from about six inches from my face and goes, Top Gear.

So they all went, he's not from Top Gear, what are you talking about? What are you all went, he's not from Top Gear. What are you talking about? He's not from Top Gear. He's that comedian bloke. So we're standing next to a Pret-a-Manger. I don't think I can actually stay in the room for this.

We're standing next to a Pret-a-Manger Why are you pronouncing it like that? Because I enjoy it. There's quite a lot of people sitting out on tables watching this, obviously with some amusement. She turns to them, this woman, and says, well, who do you think he is?

And I thought, what is happening here? I have become... To be fair, that's not the first female who's ever said that to you. No, but it's as if I was on through the keyhole, but they weren't bothering with the rigmarole of my house. They just brought me out to be identified. There is often a moment on through the keyhole

where they do the big reveal and you go, yeah, so, yeah, you need more information. Exactly, but this was like... Do you remember when David Blaine used to do that street magic? This was like street through the keyhole. So she just turns to a group and they all look, you know, I thought, God, these people, a lot of them weren't English, you know, because it was in central London. Yeah, so how are they to know? So anyway, she went off and as she walked away, she was clearly, right, you know, she was still like ten feet, she was clearly deleting. She wasn't.

She was. I thought she hasn't even kept it as an anecdote illustrator. Or maybe she was just putting a filter on it or something. Yeah. Yes, that is possible. Did you go into a sort of elephant man I'm a human being speech? What if I said that, turned to the people at Pret-a-Manger and said I'm not

an animal. No, they wouldn't have liked that. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I had another street-based incident. Now, I'm going to need your help with this one, I think, Emily. I saw what I thought was a gothic figure, a young girl, dressed all in black and, you know, that.

But not heavy-duty gothic, Someone who was dallying with the look. Someone who'd maybe been out with Noel. Someone who looked a bit like... Do you remember when Kylie went out with Michael Hutchence? And she went through that period of... Yes. Anyway, so she was all in black, a young girl. And I'm not in the habit of talking to young girls,

I don't know, in the street. And she had boots on, like sort of Dr Martin boots, and the shoelace was on Don and was coming at about a foot, you know, straggling about. Right. So obviously, you know, health and safety. So I said to her... You tried to stamp on it.

No, I took her by the arm. And sprayed some Febreze at her. And I said... Sorry for your loss. Yeah. But, um... I said... I said, you're going to break your neck on that. You didn't say that.

Yeah. As if any goth has ever been afraid of mortality. Yeah. But I said, and the look she gave me... She was a goth, what were you expecting her to do? Probably thought you were the worst clairvoyant ever, who only gives bad news. No, but wasn't it a nice thing to do?

No. I would have found that really irritating. I think that's nice. Would you? No. Why is it not nice? Because it just implies that I don't know what I'm doing. Well, no, anyone can fall prey to a random loosening of the foot lace.

It's like when someone comes up to me on the street. The foot lace? Is all right with that? Can we do that? Well, I imagine she had other laces. Did she have laces on her bodice? Can I do that again, Jeff? Bodice.

She might not have even been a goth. She was all in black and had, like, badly applied eyeliner. That's all the evidence I've got. Oh. It might have just been the mighty boosh. It was my second. I'd already had a goth. I'd had a proper goth experience.

This guy had come up to me and he was, like, he was full on. He had, like, the studded face. I mean, studded, not he had like the studded face i mean studded not not that it was well studded and he had like you know black black and white that white makeup stuff and i mean he looked amazing and his girlfriend looked like more or less the same and they really did look like they were they'd you know come from whitby yeah and he said to me i love that um george formby documentary you do oh Oh, wow. And I said, you know, I said, when I saw you coming towards me,

I knew you'd be a George Formby fan. He said, did you? I said, no. Of course I didn't look at you. Anyway, but the other woman was not anywhere near as friendly as him. And I tell you what, when I tell you, Emily, The shoelace woman.

The foot lace. Foot lace. Foot lace. Foot lace. Don't give me such a negative face. That's what I should have done. Did she know you were talking about her shoelace, though? Yes, I'm sure you saw that. You didn't just say you're going to break your neck.

Oh, actually, did I say I'm going to break your neck? No, I definitely... It was... What worried me... Oh, well, I'll tell you break your neck. No, I definitely, it was, what worried me, I'll tell you what worried me. I've got a lot to say on this subject. Have you? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I'll tell you what worried me about. I,

afterwards, because of her response being a bit, I thought maybe it's a fashion thing to have your shoelaces on, Dom. Your foot lace, yeah. Because there was a time, wasn't there, there was a sort of grungy period where people wore on fastened shoelaces. And I wonder if that had crept back in. And then you had the old bottle tops, of course,

which are briefly fashionable in the bross era. Oh, yes. Yes. Well, speaking of the bross, I mean, it's like, if I'd gone up to someone and said, excuse me, your jeans are ripped. It's that kind of thing. Because speaking of bross, I've noticed now the ripped jeans,

they're everywhere. Well, they're in the studio right now, because I've just had an incident. Oh, have you? Yeah. My jeans have ripped. I told you you shouldn't have done the same. That's an easy way of putting it.

But this is a fabulous moment when some jeans have actually ripped. Genuinely ripped. Rather than been bought as ripped jeans. You say fabulous, you haven't seen where they've ripped. No, I'm guessing that. Right. Oh, can we get you maybe a discarded Hovercraft skirt? Yes, that's what I need.

OK. Yeah, I find it when people come up to me, and I know they mean well, but sometimes I'll have people saying, excuse me, but your bag's slightly open and someone could take your purse out. Yeah. Well, how do I know you're trustworthy? How do I know this isn't just a ruse so that you can thieve it? Well, maybe they've just put some wasps in it. well, how do I know you're trustworthy? How do I know this isn't just a ruse so that you can thieve it?

Well, maybe they've just put some wasps in it. And they're doing that so that you zip it up and you don't get the joke until you get home. Yeah, hadn't thought of that, but that could happen. Or a fish, maybe a big fish to rot in there. Do you ever have people come up to you, Gareth, and give you... I'm calling these people well-wishers. Not very often but when i um lived in cardiff um by the train station there was a hat shop where you could buy

sort of trilby hats okay it's like an episode of mr ben another sort of thing that they sell in a hat shop don't say you have to itemize yeah and foot laces they do. I don't know if they do foot laces. I decided I should get one of these hats. Head covers. A head hat it was. Okay. You bought a hat? I bought a hat some time ago.

What happened to you? No, not recently. What kind of a hat? It was a trilby. It was a navy blue trilby. You bought a trilby? Thanks. Yeah, and not like not a justin timberlake one like a proper old school like a like i was solving a mystery okay you was this

your film noir period yeah okay i cannot picture you in a trilby no it wasn't good but people what i found is that people did approach me when i was wearing the hat excuse me do you know you're wearing a trilby excuse me but i think mischievous school boys might have put a trilby on you while you're asleep on the bus if you were gonna buy one who goes to a hat shop why not what else are you gonna get get a 60 minute go to a department store somewhere where normal people go I'd rather go into a hat shop then I can walk in and say to the person

who wants to be a milliner some more material from Frank Skinner but what did they say these people who came up to you what did they say about the hat no but they didn't say anything about the hat, but they just, in a way that had never happened to me before, people felt like it was okay to approach me and ask me directions.

Really? Yeah. Oh, it bestowed some authority on you, perhaps, the hat. What, the welcoming trilby? It's a lovely pub. Have you ever been there? That is strange. I thought that you were going to say

they come up to you and say your shoelace is undone so you'd look down and your hat would fall off. What, did you wear it with a mac? Were you wearing shorts or what? No, just normal clothes. Just wore it with a white skirt,

like Top Cat. You should see her, he gave directions. Frank, Emily and Gareth. Alan's in Edinburgh. The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email from... Who seems like quite a big cheese in the hovercraft world.

Oh, yeah. Morning, Frank. Just been told you love hovercraft and um i'd like to intro myself he says intro so you love hovercraft well i'm i'm fascinated by that i'm sort of delighted i thought they'd gone i'll be honest with you i thought there was something from the past no they're still going they They're vibrant. They certainly are. They've still got it. They'll shake your feelings out. I am the MD of Hover Travel. This is the man's email.

Oh, wow. And if you wanted a trip on the hovers... Oh, you weren't springing that up. No, it was you. I said, I'm just reeling from the trilby hat. Turns out you're the MD of Hover World. Is it Hover World? I think people would smell a rat

if I suddenly... We've been talking about hovercrafts all morning and then it turns out I run a business. That would be a great reveal, though, at this point in the show. Sorry, what is the MD of? Hover Travel. Hover Travel, OK. Hover Travel, all one word, block capitals.

OK. No need to shout. And if you wanted a trip on the hovers... Aye, aye. Of course, on the hovers, let me know. Get you to meet the pilots and travel up top on the flight deck. Pilots, flight deck, you see what I mean?

They've no idea it's on water. Hover deck, hover deck. When they say up top, I bet it's not very high, though, is it? It won't be a big crack, though, because there'll be a point where you can see not only the landmass of the British Isles, but also the Isle of Wight. Oh, I'm coming with you, Frank.

I think we should all go. Shall we go? I don't know if we're all invited. Oh, I will be. Who's not invited? What would really spine it is if one of us was found with loads of drugs on us when we got to the Isle of Wight. Why is everyone looking at me? I have honestly never touched a drop.

Do drugs come in drops? And he says, also, he'll show us the new hovercraft due to be in service in the new year. So there's new ones. See, they are. That's what I'm amazed at. The technology is advancing. And great to hear you like the hovers.

We do too. It's great to hear anything if you live in the hovercraft world. All you use is... Are we there yet? I assume that's why hover travel is in block capitals. Exactly. Hover travel! We're at hover!

Welcome to hover travel! That's Neil Chapman, MD of... That's brilliant. Hover, he's a doctor as well. He's not. Dr Neil Chapman. MD of Hover Travel. Oh, no.

No, MD, managing director. He's not a doctor. Okay. No. They don't have Hover doctors. It would be a waste, wouldn't it? Hover doctors would be good because they wouldn't be picking up germs

on the soles of their shoes from homes of the sick. Could that solve the whole thing about when people get illnesses in the hospital? It could be good for hygiene if doctors hovered... Little tip, little tip. Keep it light. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've discussed hovercrafts rather exhaustively this morning, but we're not done yet, Frank. Well, to be honest, I've got a lot of catching up to. I haven't talked about them for 20 years. This is true. Here we are. You may recall Jane contacted the show earlier... I do.

...to suggest that hovercrafts were invented and first built as she described it here on the isle of wight yeah quite proud of it well who wouldn't be well brian and tracy okay because brian and tracy say good morning lovely people they were built on brian and tracy island the hovercraft was not invented in Isle of Wight. Oh. So Christopher Cockrell patented the first hovercraft in 1955 in Alton, Norfolk. First flight in commercial use was July 1959, crossing the English Channel in two hours

with the inventor on board. Wow. Just wanted to set the record straight. They said to him after that, where did it go? And he said, pardon? Well, that's, I'm glad,

in our end, in our beginnings, is our beginning. So at the end of the hour, we've got to the very root of the hovercraft and how it all began. Where else would you get

an hour on hovercraft? I don't know. Let's ask Neil Chapman, the MD of Hover, about. Well, he's got in touch again, Neil Chapman the MD of Hover about Well he's got in touch again, Neil Chapman Has he? Needy He said someone is using my email address

I didn't make that invention But he isn't the first person to use that this week He says, thanks for the mention You're all invited Oh brilliant I love it What I'd like is if we can get a yellow soesta. You know those big yellow things

of sailors where there's waterproof coats? If we can get one of those that operates a bit like a tandem, so it's one soesta with three head holes in it. Oh, yeah. Oh, can I be in the middle? Yeah, but, okay. And, um...

Frank had his eye on the middle, Emily. I could tell that by the tone of his voice. We don't have to decide now. I'll tell you something. You won't be able to wear your trilby in that wind. I'm warning you. Maybe we could do the show from our hovercraft. We could do it.

I'm doing it on a Segway. Get away with it on Kerrang Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio With Emily Dean and Gareth Richards

You can text the show on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter At Frank on the Radio Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website what is it? Well can I just say, I am Gareth Richards you were very right when you said that just now but Emily off air just called me Alan

Well you know Who is this Alan you keep going on about? I think he invented the hovercraft I'm really sorry about that Sir Alan Cockrell I promise it was a mistake it will never happen again. Any news on the ripped jeans?

You want to know? How badly ripped? I describe it as deepening like a coastal shelf. Oh, dear. I saw a woman the other day who'd got ripped jeans, but not on the knee, but on what I would call the buttocks.

Yeah. And you could see clearly pink pants through. Do-do-do-do-do. Pink pants through. And I thought that's quite... Quite what? Well And I thought that's quite... Quite what?

Well, I've got this... Go on. You know, I... We don't do it on purpose sometimes. Oh, come on, this was deliberately on purpose. Well, this wasn't. I'm going to need a car home. I mean, I've been out in Calvin...

You know, I wear those Calvin classics sometimes, which is like the market version of proper Calvin Klein. Yeah. I don't know if you were on the show when I was saying that what's happening with mine is that the elastication on the band, Gareth, is separated from the rest of the garment. Yes, I remember that. They haven't been on speaking terms for some years.

So she's sort of... I had six months of therapy. Yes, but it's the flip side of that. So I've got a smart suit on with these decaying pants on underneath. She's got, you know, her best pants on because she knows everyone can see them through her jeans. OK. So it's all right. It's fashion.

And I know you love that. Oh, I love a bit of fashion, me. What worries me about when they've got the ripped jeans in their knees is... Don't say they, because I'm now part of this. No, but in their knees. Don't say they, because I'm now part of this. No, but on the knees. Don't their knees get cold when they're saying their prayers? Most people don't pray. Oh, no.

What? Anyway, carry on. You were saying. I may have called you Alan by mistake, and I felt guilty. Yeah. But not as guilty as people who signed up to the Ashley

Madison website. This is my favourite story of the week. Have you heard about this? The cheater's website. For those of you who don't know, there is a website incredibly that invites people to have affairs. Yeah, the strap line is life is short, have an affair.

I don't think that's very good, that. No, I don't. Because if my name was amongst those listed, I don't think my life would be extended. I think it would have been foreshortened this week, in fact. Why do they call her Ashley Madison? That's like one of those women in the Daily Mail. You remember Ashley Madison, don't you?

No. She was, I think she was in the West End version of Grease, American. How was she? No, I'm making it up. There was Holly Madison, was the head of the girls from the Playboy Mansion. Yeah. Yeah, well, is it so that if it turns up on your credit card bill,

it just... Well, that doesn't work, because it's just the name of a woman who's not your wife. Yes, you don't want that. That seems bad. You want it to be Bill the Bakers. Yeah. Yeah.

Not a woman. That's what they should have called him, Bill the Bakers. Everything would have been fine. So, yeah, so they've all... How many people have been exposed? Do we know? Well... A lot.

I don't know how many have been exposed, but it says 37 million members worldwide. That's incredible, isn't it? Yes. Although they reckon that 90% to 95% of the users were actually male. I thought you were going to say work for Absolute Radio. I know. Because they were using work.

That whole topic a bit edgier. They were using the work email. This was the problem. This is why they've been exposed. People in the Senate. All sorts. That is a mistake. Don't use your work email. I mean, not that I have ever considered anything like this.

Thanks for that. A cheater's guy. If I was going to consider... Can I ask you a question before you say this? What is a work email? What is... You've probably got an absolute radio on, Frank. I haven't. Without even realising you will I haven't Can I ask what is work? I've no idea Says the trail be man

Okay Yes what were you going to ask? I was going to say don't use your work email Don't sign up To a website for cheating on You're basically putting your name on a list of people who would like to cheat and also and they paid for it i know so there was a money trail yes there's something uh and if we've learned anything from all the president's men and the

watergate scandal where they were trying to follow... I honestly say I haven't. I like Fanny, because of the trilby. He's gone a bit... He's gone a bit private dick. Yeah, he's hot on the case here. The shadowy man in the car park said, follow the money. And that's what, you know, there's always

a trail of money. That happened to me when I arrived. I just ignored him. Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, G just ignored him. Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, Gareth Richards. The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. What else? Well, we were talking about Ashley Madison, the Affair

website. Oh, yes, yes. And I enjoyed one anonymous user who was quoted as saying, I'm a bit annoyed, to be honest. I set it up with the intention of using it, but I was unable to access it due to work restrictions. Oh, no. There's been some fantastic...

It's become a fabulous resource centre for people who are caught having an affair, because there's all sorts of... Oh, it's just a whim. We were going through a bad patch. They're all there. Yeah, yeah. Handy. Also, why don't these people just use the old-fashioned methods of cheating

and just make a pass at the secretary? Well, I tell you what... It's so much easier. Everyone knows where they stand. And bring back the milkman. I'm not... Oh, you're right then. Yeah, that must have cut a lot of it down, I would have thought.

Because you don't get the milkman. I know they still exist, but they're not as widespread as they were. And neither are their housewives. But I... I'd have thought that the excitement of an affair is the initial sort of moment when you think, oh, did she give me a bit of an extra long smile and all that stuff at work and all that.

Not in this room. No. Well, I don't know. Told you high horses. Since the jeans have ripped, anything's possible. But, you know, all that stuff and it's all very tense and you think, oh, God, I'm going to say something and it could all go wrong.

Whereas this, no, they haven't cut to the chase, they've cut past the chase. Yeah. And suddenly you're in an affair, ping like that. And obviously once you're in the affair, you know, it's interesting for about, what, a month? And then it becomes as dull as the relationship you're trying to escape from. But worse than dull...

Everybody knows that. Worse than dull, it becomes a bit naff. Because you have to say naff things. And they say, I think affairs at work are the worst. Because they'll email each other and go, oh, wouldn't you like to know? I'd like to say naff things. And they sound like... I think affairs at work are the worst, because they'll email each other and go, oh, wouldn't you like to know? I'd like to have your chocolate biscuits. Oh, filthy.

Something phenomenally 70s about having an affair. It's so naff. You do feel that a woman you're having an affair with should be wearing a negligee. It is, though. I'll meet you in the photocopy room. No, but it's the tragedy

of the modern world. You know, we're all so busy nowadays. Lots of these people had good paid jobs. You've got the wife, you've got the kids. How do you meet anyone nowadays? Well, it's what Frank calls Pac-Man syndrome. You just have to go for what's right in front of your face. Yes, it's what Frank calls Pac-Man syndrome. You just have to go for what's right in front of your face.

Yes, it is true. I can't do it. I feel guilty about wearing trainer socks because they are socks posing as no socks. I can't go in for the affair thing. You're not an affair type, Frank. As you say, there is something. It's a bit like being pierced.

I mean, being pierced for the youth is right. But you know these sort of swinger couples? They all live in, you know, Bovis homes. Yeah. I mean, if there's any of you listening, God bless you all. Or anyone having an affair. God bless you. No, not the whole swinging thing.

Oh, yeah. I don't know if it's quite as exciting as it seems. But what do I know? Yeah, we could be wrong. Squares. Yeah, you're right. No, I feel slightly square. You know what?

I feel slightly guilty that I've offended any swingers that were listening. That's why I've got to have an affair. If I get guilty about stuff like that, at home saying, will it? Shaking their heads. You know, you can hear the old piercings jingling together. There's lightning storms coming up on Sunday, by the way,

if there are any heavily pierced people listening. Keep inside. I think you have to put yourself in a drawer. That's what we used to do with the cutlery when I was a kid. Little tip. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin When I was a kid. Little tip. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've just had a bit of cake because it's Gareth's birthday. It tastes like brie. What's going on with that? Taste that brie. I wasn't getting brie.

It's meant to be chocolate cake. Frank, taste the icing. It's gluten free apparently. No wonder it tastes... If it tastes like brie it must be off. No way, it's gluten brie.'s meant to be chocolate cake frank taste the icing it's gluten-free apparently if it tastes like brie it must be off no wait it's gluten brie that's a mistake you've made oh we've told you not to buy gluten brie cake i think i met penelope gluten brie at a party recently to launch the tatler have you tasted it it's one of the most disgusting things i've ever had. Sorry. That's lovely. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. I'm sorry to harsh everyone's mellow even further, but I went to do what? Harsh everyone's mellow. See, this is an... I love it when she goes straight. So that's... If you sort of... How do you harsh someone's mellow? You sort of cause

a bit of a stir. Oh, very regularly. I do it about a hundred times a day to people. Yeah, it just means... Harsh my mellow. Okay. So I'm harshing your mellow because I'm going to tell you about a funeral I went to this week. Are you ever marshing my mellow? No.

No. You went to a funeral? Okay. Um, such a... Absolute radio, I said, Emma. It wasn't the big one? I beg your pardon? What do you mean? The funeral of the week. No, I didn't go to that one.

Because you get invited to all the big showbiz things. I do. Are you suggesting that somehow I failed not getting an invitation to that funeral? Anyway. No, it was a lovely service because actually he had a good innings. He was 90.

Fair enough. So that's OK. Nervous 90s, as was 90. Fair enough. So that's okay, so it's okay. Nervous 90s, as they call them in cricket? Yes. It was actually a very uplifting affair, and a celebration. He was a director, Frank. Okay.

He directed the 70s series I, Claudius. Did he? Wow! Yes! Yes! A good one. That's a really good one. No, he's very distinguished, there was some very distinguished type speaking at the funeral. Was there a reception after a to good one. No, it's very distinguished. There's some very distinguished type speaking at the funeral. Was there the reception after the toga party?

No. John Alderton was there. Oh, lovely. Doffy, Doffy. He was lovely. Have I... Tim Piggott-Smith. Wow.

Lovely. A letter read out from Derek Jacoby. Fantastic. I mean, it was the best celebration. Who read it? Well, John Alderton was brilliant. Isn't that a pip? Well, John Alderton was brilliant. Isn't that a pip? Well, John Alderton got up and he said a brilliant thing.

He said, am I batting first? And I'll speak to my agent about this. Brilliant. Which I loved. I absolutely loved it. And then Derek Jacoby's letter was read out by another actor. He couldn't be there, darling. He was working.

But he did say... But I bet there was notes on how to read it. No, he said a brilliant thing. He said, i'll always remember on the first day of claudius i'd have called it i i haven't got time to call it claudius but it was lovely because it was very actorly and there were lots of great and it sounds brilliant i almost wish i could have got you a ticket frank but. I would have liked to have gone for that. I mean, I'd clawed you. But there was a slight issue. You didn't get a plus one. That's how big a deal it was. Oh, it was. It was packed.

There wasn't a free seat there. It was a full house. But when I was sitting there, I sort of came in and I found a little area next to some elderly actors, obviously, and I was slightly behind a pillar. And some latecomers, but I could still see a bit.

Because obviously it's a big performance. You know, I wanted to see all these people speaking. Yeah, you had restricted views. Yeah, I had restricted view, diabolical seeds. Then some latecomers came in and they stood in front of me. And because I was excited about hearing these people speak, I couldn't help but, I went, oh! You know what you do at a concert when someone's there?

And the man next to me sort of looked at me a bit aghast, and I had to pretend it was emotion. I went, oh! I turned the sigh into irritation. I managed to turn it round. I turned it into just an expression of, you know, sadness. That's good. But then, what do you do when the casket...

I don't want to get too technical here. No, no. But obviously, there's a cue to go up. Let's see if there's any dead people listening. Absolute radio does not approve of... What doesn't it approve of in the context of mortality? I'm not sure. Can I ask you both a question?

The queue was really long, and I had to get back to work. The queue for...? To go up to the casket. Oh, OK. Oh, we don't do that in the Catholic Church. Well, there's a lot of elderly people there, and they were taking their time. OK, fine. So I queue jumped.

What, you bodged in? Yes, I did. Wow. Is that bad? No, I suppose not. It's a funeral. People are so upset, they behave in all sorts of ways. That's what you must say when the email arrives.

Well, I did something worse. Uh-oh. Or when you go up there... Is this next sentence going to have the word souvenir in it? Oh, dear. And ear. Go on. You go up to tap the casket.

That's the point of it, which is a nice thing to do. It's a respectful thing, and they say, please go up and pay respect. I'm not familiar with that at all. Well, everyone's watching you, especially when you pew-jump, they're watching you. So there's a certain amount of pressure. the not locked joke did you not mention that so i didn't know what to give them a final chance to knock back excuse me you're now being disrespectful oh no well no you're not um i was being disrespectful because you know what i did

i didn't know what to do so i went to tap it and then I felt that was inadequate, so I did a sort of salute, like Talisa from X Factor. I did a little salute. Oh, what? The female boss? Oh, dear. That's it, you're not coming to mine. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio Um, email I'm sorry, Emily Emily, we've got an email for you that's what I was going to say They are very similar words Imagine if I'd have been called email by mistake

Yeah, it's email Dean. I'm sure this won't come back to haunt us picking this name. It's so unusual. There's nothing like it. Do you want the email corner jingle? Is there one? Yeah. Is there one?

Is there one? Get your lips around this baby. Maybe we should do the original one from Garrett's tenure on the show. Yes, that's a lovely idea. I mean, I think I would have remembered that. I don't think that was even around back then. Was it not? Okay. Dear Emily,

I thought I would let you know how you helped me out in a recent meeting at work. During a fairly dull heads of department meeting, we were working our way through the agenda, as you do in a meeting. Obviously, I was daydreaming away, thinking of my Black Tour T-shirt and Converse, when all of a sudden we arrived at agenda item seven,

staff conference invites all of a sudden i found myself saying to the meeting i don't mean to be picky but shouldn't this be staff conference invitations obviously nobody said anything so i followed this up with the immortal line invite is an american corruption excellent work much like watergate an American corruption. Excellent work. Much like Watergate. As I mentioned earlier, that was an American corruption. It was. What about Robin Thicke?

I was so proud. Do you rob to the... Robin Thicke and give in to the intelligent? Is that his system? Sorry, I don't think he had anything to do with the intelligent. It's all gone wrong. It went wrong. He's lost his money, he's lost everything, his hair will be going next Thick and thin

I was so proud and hope you are too A colleague then asked, how could you possibly know that? To which I replied, I just do Thus confirming my status at work as a bit of a git Which I think Frank will approve of. We can say it.

Love to all Ben. Oh, great work, Ben. I approve of that thoroughly. I like how could you possibly know that, as if it's beyond the realms of... That reminds me of... There was a Derek Acora special on... I must have told you this before. There's a Derek Acora special on... I must have told you this before.

There's a Derek Acora special on Dick Turpin. Oh! And it was over two nights. Do you remember it? Skypast, never to be deleted. And it was all about... There was a woman called Jane Millington was his girlfriend and then there was this gamekeeper called Bathurst or something.

And then he had a mate with him. And a caller is in this field and he goes into the... Oh, hold on. No, I'm getting... Oh, Dick, Dick, he's called Dick and he's saying... He said it was Mary Millington who was a 70s porn actress, but I suppose she was just wobbling around in Derek's mind. But anyway, he named the gamekeeper and he said, there's a guy called, don't shoot, don't shoot Bathurst.

There's somebody called, somebody called Martin. I don't know if they were called Martin then. Called Martin saying, don't shoot Bathurst. And it went back to this large woman in the crowd and they said, what did you make of that? And she said, well, if ever you needed evidence that this is genuine, that was it. He said, he named four people there. Now the human

brain cannot retain that much information. I thought, what? What are you talking about? And that's what this ends up a bit like. How do you know that? Of course, I should point out that Sam writes all Derek Acora stuff. Yeah. His spirit guide. His spirit guide.

His spirit guide. Yeah. It was a helpfully short name so that it fits in his brain. Does Sam have a bit like our role on this show? I imagine he's a bit like, who's the guy that used to write for Robbie Williams? Guy Chambers. I imagine he's Derek Acora? Guy Chambers. I imagine he's Derek

Cora's Guy Chambers. Isn't he 10-24? When Sam goes. Because Wilkes he's 10-23. Guy Chambers 10-24. I don't know. What would he be? GC. 5-3? 5-3. Not as good as 10-23. That was a shot in the dark. 7-3.

Okay. If you didn't listen to last week's show, you're right, this is nonsense. Frank, Emily and Gareth. Alan's in Edinburgh at the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. So, this week we have seen into the world of Gareth Bale, who is a footballer. Yeah, that's correct. Well done. Yeah. I know that because there was, who is a footballer. Yeah, that's correct. Well done. I know that because there was, was there a period of time,

is there another footballer called Mika Richards or Mika Richards? Yes. And did they play against each other or on the same team or something? Because for a while, whenever I searched for myself on Twitter, Gareth Richards, it came up with Gareth Bale and Mika Richards. Oh, OK. This is an interesting way we find things out in life. Yeah. By self-googling.

Yes. And, um... Yes, he was. He used to play in London and now he's in Madrid. Gone abroad. Very expensive he was. Oh, God, he was expensive. He was a price. And he's a fan of, um, he was expensive. He was a price. And he's a fan of the Irish singer Brian McFadden.

And he's tweeted about it. That's... Now, this is... That's no specialist interest. I would put Brian McFadden, God bless him, in the same category as the hovercraft. I thought... I thought that that was something, you know,

that was very, very popular, popular quite loud and has now gone no, it's still going Frank, in fairness he'll take you to the Isle of Wight if you want for 50 quid he'll pay you I wonder if his managing director is going to phone up and say come and see me

will you all be invited it's a nice chap I know but it's not even westlife it's like saying i'm a huge fan of mark owens yeah music mark owen yeah oh mark owens music yes i thought he did that thing you know when people pluralize surnames like uh my mum always says it's oh cliff richards yeah because she wants him to be a family member no i'm I'm not like your mum. That's all we need. Can I say his name was originally... I know it wasn't Cliff Richards.

He chose Cliff Richard. He was called Harry Webb originally. But he chose Cliff Richard just so people would say, oh, is that Richards? And he'd say, no, no, Richard. Just so he'd say it twice to stick in their memory, apparently. Oh, interesting. I'll be doing that.

That's how you... Your linguistic programming. That's what people did before the internet. What about Gareth, after in this tweet, do you recall exactly what he said? No, please remind me.

He tweeted, Gareth Bell, enjoying a chilled out Sunday, listening to the new Brian McFadden song, Hashtag Tune, Hashtag Call on Mr. Brother. Now, Hashtag Tune was ill hashtag tune, hashtag call on Mr. Brother. Now, hashtag tune was ill-advised. Call on Mr. Brother. Oh, yes.

Do you think that's the name of the song? No, he's got that wrong, because, ladies and gentlemen, I have printed out, I listened to the song. What's it like? It's not good. Oh. In your opinion? In my opinion.

How does it go? And also, it's not called Call Oh. In your opinion? In my opinion. No. How does it go? And also, it's not called Call on Mr. Brother, it's called Call on Me Brother. Oh, it said Call on Mr. Yeah, he's not even spelt it right. Frank, could you first do your impression of how you believe Call on Mr. Brother goes? Call on Me Brother.

You could do Mr. Brother. When you're feeling down and blue, call me brother, I'm there for you. Oh, that's right. I quite like that. A bit like that. That was much, much better. Oh, thank you very much.

Than it actually is. There's some insights. That was much, much better. Oh, thank you very much. Than it actually is. There's some insights. Oh, brother. Wherever you are. Brother.

Who is this? Who is this? Oh, yes, I did ask you to call on me. Sorry. Is it the sort of... Is it a sort of stoolools chair as i believe they call it what when they sit on the stool oh okay it's not too ballady actually it's more you know when westlife did their um misadvised ill-advised rock sort of slightly rockier

so it's not Very slightly rockier. Well, it's not a ballad. Frank said it was a ballad. So it's rockier? It's slightly rockier. Call on me, brother. You gotta call on me, brother any time at all and I'm always there for you. Why don't you call

on me, brother any old time? That's what you need to do. Be a bit like that, I think. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What I particularly liked about Call On Me Brother was that the suggestion that Gareth Bale was spending his entire day

just listening to this. His whole day was dedicated to listening to a pattern. Quite a big thing for footballers is downtime because they get an enormous amount of it where they're actually instructed not to do loads of stuff. Oh, I thought that was your Birmingham accent, trying to say Downton. Yeah, Downtime Abbey would be... That'd be a great place for a sort of chill-out spot.

Yeah, yeah. That'd be good. So, you know, they're asked to sort of basically recharge a bit, so I suppose you do have to sit a little around. Well, I've looked at the lyrics for the song Call On Me, Brother, and I could look at them for a whole day because there are some first you get an insight into the world of brian mcfadden was it written was it written by um bm i believe i mean i assume so yeah um the chorus goes call

on me brother i'll be there yes when you're under i'll be there okay i ain't got no money, ain't got no car. Oh, he's lost me at ain't. I'm phobic about people that say ain't. Just ain't gonna happen. Oh, Frank, makes me sick when people say that. But call on my name and I won't be far. Call on me, brother, I'll be

there. I think this is a bit harsh. What? Well, I'm sure it, there are many lyrics lyrics i think it's just a a um what reading lyrics out i think if you read if you i think one could read out the lyrics of many great songs and think that's a big thing it's all it's about the whole composition trust me i'm saving you by not doing the tune as well. OK. When I was a youth and I used to read the Albion News, which was like the football programme for the club I support,

they always used to have a questionnaire in there and they'd ask a player each week stuff like, what do you like to listen to? And they always, always said Ben E. King. And I never actually found out who that was. Any offers? Yeah, Stand By Me, wasn't it? I know. Was that someone else?

Was that Ben E. King? Was that Cookie? I don't know. Ben E. King. See? No idea. But everyone who applied for West Bromwich Albion listened to Ben E. King.

How do you explain that? Well, we can't. It's the answer. It's the very, very simple answer to that question. OK. And it was always, biggest influence on life, father. And their favourite food, steak. Oh, yeah.

What would you be if you were... What do they drink? What about this? This dates it. Oh, yeah. What would you be if you weren't a footballer? Always electrician. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. it. Oh, yeah. What would you be if you weren't a footballer? Always electrician. Absolute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner, and I am in the company of Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. We're on a show which can be contacted by text on 81215. It can also be followed on Twitter by at Frank on the radio. The show can be emailed via the Absolute Radio website. What's happened? I just want to be clear.

Thorough. We've had an email from Greg who says, Hi, guys. I thought I would just say I went to see the play War of the Worlds last year in Birmingham. The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one, they said. That's quite a late review, War of the Worlds.

It's a late audition. Yeah. It was amazing. And guest singer was Brian McFadden. Okay. Alongside Jason Donovan, Brian Fadden was amazing, well worth the £2 entry fee.

Love your programme. Yeah, that seems... Re worth the £2 entry fee. Love your programme. Yeah, that seems... Reasonable. £2 entry fee? That's not going to pay everyone's wages. That's a bit weird. Held at a church fight. Also, entry fee.

Aren't they traditionally called tickets? Well, not at £2. You wouldn't bother to print it off. It's not worth killing a tree for. What is worth killing a tree for? That's the next texting. Well, yeah, I remember McFadden could sing. There's no question about that.

And his vocals were excellent on the track. I didn't mean to be too down on Brian. No, OK. But his new single, Call Me Brother, on me, call me on, I don't know what it's called. But, um, Gareth Bale found it inspirational.

But I find the chances of anyone coming from Mars are a million to one, they said. I find that is the sort of track I might play before I went on stage, for example. It's very do-do-do, it's very sort of uplifting. Yeah. And it's got Mars in it and stuff. I like my inspirational

track is Stronger by Kanye West. You are having a laugh. No, I love it. Do you know that's one of the most I think that's the most popular. Lonely made me stronger. Down to the accent. Down to the accent Down to the accent

Okay Back to my hip hop roots That's one of the most popular Running songs Oh really? Well he's an inspirational figure Kanye West Because he doesn't lack self confidence In what way?

I get my whole vibe from Yeezus Okay Oh Jesus sorry Kanye West way. I get my whole vibe from Jesus. Oh, Jesus, sorry. Can you wear it? I'm confused. Yeah, I like that. I'm on a good day, I can. I like to play a bit of Depeche Mode personal Jesus when I'm driving. Oh, yeah. Because I feel a bit sea-a-suckers. You know that feeling when you're driving and you get a bit sea-a-suckers? Not sea-a-suckers, no. Do you know what I mean, a bit king of the Road, Frank. Well, obviously, sometimes I'll just stand naked in front of the mirror

playing Look for the Hero inside yourself. And do you see it? Well, it's actually Reach for the Hero, which is worse. And then I see a true colour shining through. I've done so much singing this morning, I've had an offer come in from the Hovercraft Society to sing their official anthem, You Are the Wind Beneath My Skirt.

Frank, we've had an email in about hovercrafts, actually. Oh, yes. This is from Sam. Thank God for that. I thought an hour just didn't seem sufficient to cover them. Sam says, Hi, guys. My wife, Verity, doesn't seem sufficient to cover them. Sam says, hi, guys. My wife, Verity, doesn't believe hovercrafts exist.

She is convinced that they are a purely fictional sci-fi creation that has made it into popular culture. The chances of anything hovering on the sea are a million to one, they say. A bit like vampires. She really believes this. He says, no amount of YouTube videos, Google searches, MDs from hover travel, not even your radio show can convince her otherwise. After hearing the MD from hover travel, I quote, he's making it up.

No helping some people. This is from Sam in Bracknell. This is a man trying to get a free ride on a hovercraft. Yeah, exactly. Well, I hope that's not true, because to live without the hovercraft yeah yeah exactly well i hope that's not true because to live without the hovercraft would be impossible to do hovercraft deniers we've got now yeah exactly not a real thing you believe that's actually it's actually illegal in uh in norfolk

frank skinner emily dean gareth rich. The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Now, I want to tell you what, when I was on my 40th birthday, I did something I almost never do. I went and drove my car. I went for a drive. You know, you hear people say, I went for a drive. You know, people say I went for a drive, but I never, ever did that. I always drive somewhere.

But that night, on my 40th birthday, when it became midnight, so I became 40, I went for a drive. I wasn't going anywhere, I just drove around. And I played, I won't play the whole thing, but this was what I listened to over and over. Oh, I should have been in the car with you. That must have been nice.

It's Quincy Jones Orchestra playing the theme from Ironside. Was that Ironside? Do you remember Ironside? Yeah. With Raymond Burr. Yeah. Oh, we've been cut off. Raymond Burr.

Don't know what happened then. Yeah, so I just played that over and over. To anyone under the age of 40 listening, there used to be a thing called... when the phone rang. Yes. No, when it cut off. When it cut off. Right, thank you.

Well, we haven't explained Ironside. Ironside was... Ironside. In the opening credits to Ironside, the opening titles, you'd see him get shot. He was a copper and he got shot. A copper got shot.

And he ended up in a wheelchair. Oh. So he's like the wheelchair copper. See, like, but... Carol's feeling the need to comment sympathetically after you... Oh. Yeah, exactly.

It's a shame. But I've noticed... Like, was he called Ironside before he got shot? Well, it was his actual name, but I think the inclination... Not as handy. The idea was that he was... Yes. Anyway. actual name but i think the inclination the idea was that he was yes anyway i find with my

inspirational music like that it's nearly always instrumentals oh that's interesting yeah so it's like the shadows i remember thinking when i was about 13 you know when you do that with your mouth? It's every bit as good as real guitar. Oh, yeah. Could you have a band where you didn't actually play, you just went... Would that be all right?

You would like a programme called Glee. I've seen Glee. They do what they would like a programme called Glee. I've seen Glee. They do what they do. A programme called Glee. They do all the noise with their mouths. Yeah. And it's all with their mouths. Yeah, but they don't tend to go...

Do they do it with all their mouths? They don't go ding all of it. No, no. Frank, were you a Telstar fan? Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought you would be. Woo! Yes, exactly, yeah.

But it's all... I think the problem is, I've always been a person who, say if I get, if I got dumped in my youth, I would have to sit and listen to lots of sad songs. That was my thing. Well, that just makes you feel worse, though, doesn't it? Yes. It does.

But what, there'd always be bits in the songs that didn't quite fit with the... Oh, how did you get through that? I used to change the lyrics a bit. So if it was something like, you know, That night at the drive-in It would be like, I'd take a real incident from our relationship That thing about the dry cleaning

No, you'd say that night at the ball ring. Yeah, and I would put in real things that had happened to patch up any bits that didn't quite fit. Because, obviously, it took away some of the pain, if I am, if it didn't fit. It starts going on about Memphis.

You're in Smethwick. How can you relate to that? Well, exactly. Walking in Smethwick. I don't need that. So, yes, I was very inclined to wallow Roy Orbison songs. Pretty woman walking down Broad Street.

I drove for some of the night to get to you. Or nevertheless it would be, I was driven all night Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner

On Absolute Radio This week Frank and Emily It was my birthday Hold on Let's see if I can find A suitable Jingle

I forgot How embarrassing Did you text him? Here we go. What do you think? You're all right. Mr. Grimshaw. What? Coming for me?

No, it's too soon. It's too soon. Yes, it was my birthday. And before I went to bed... LAUGHTER It's time to turn the page. Don't keep saying it. Um, I, um... The night before I went to sleep, so on my...

It's not really your birthday until you've been to sleep, is it? Well, that's not how it worked when I was driving around... That's a strange Bon Jovi song. When I was driving around with Quincy Jones... What? I hadn't... When I was driving around with Quincy Jones... What? I hadn't... When I was driving around with the Quincy Jones Ironside theme... Oh, yeah.

I hadn't... When it became midnight, that's when I set off in my car. Oh, right. I went driving in my car... With the Quincy Jones Orchestra. So you have to add the bits in to make it real. Oh, I know, I know. And then there'd be a reference to a make it real. Okay. I know, I know. And then there'd be a reference to a bra in the next bit.

I didn't like it. There might be a reference to a bra. We'll see how it goes. Okay. Okay. Gareth, over to you. I had the most incredible discovery where I found out that my favourite comedian is endorsing my favourite product. Which is what?

How about that? Well, my favourite comedian, can you guess that apart from you, Frank? Oh, yes, yes. Yes. I was going to say that. Yes. Do you know who's my favourite comedian at the moment? Do you remember from my tour me going on and on about him?

Is it Norm Macdonald? Yes! Yes, he's a very fine comedian. He's a very good Canadian comedian. And he is the new face of the Colonelel for a particular brand of fried chicken. Can we say brands? Yeah. He's the new, and it's perfect because it's my favourite comedian and my favourite bad food to eat.

Yes, I know what you mean. When we say bad, we mean, you know, guilty pleasure. Yeah. Come on, they might be advertising like that. Oh, i shouldn't oh i will it's delicious we will oh i love another piece oh i must say it is good i tell you what diet starts tomorrow nice and greasy for the whole family moments on the lips lifetime of the hit oh they've spoiled it now sorry everyone but we will anyway I'm a bit sad to hear that, though. I don't like comedians doing adverts.

It worries me. Oh, really? Oh, Frank hates that. Don't you, Frank? Frank says comedy's about truth. Isn't it our job to point the finger at all things commercial? Not radio, obviously. I agree with you.

Not lick the finger. No, exactly. Perhaps, but I... I only lick my fingers when I'm reading. I did like that so my birthday treat my main birthday treat also the fact that he's called Norm Macdonald

isn't there a slight problem with this fast food allegiance could be a oh yeah why didn't they ask Jennifer Sanders to do it yeah anyway Why didn't they ask Jennifer Sanders to do it? Yeah.

Anyway, or Stephen Fry. And Dawn French could do the fries. Stephen Fried. We could go on like this all night. Yeah, we could. Let's do it. The cockerel could have done it.

Yeah, that would be... Okay. Come on. But for my main treat, I went to a water park with my son Ethan to splash down in pool. Oh, splash down. OK, splash down. And it was both, it was lots of flumes, not log flumes,

flumes that you actually go down with your own body. Yes. I've been on a flume. Oh, you just go down on your own. Oh, OK. Or some with rings um you know you go big rubber rings and you sit on them and then it's all terrifying to me after because i'm slightly scared of water but anyway it sounds lovely and it was lovely but it was most at first

it was um i thought oh no this is going to be rubbish. Because what you forget about flumes is that most of the time, with the really quick ones, you spend standing in an industrial stairwell with your swimming trunks on. Do you? Do you have to wear swimming trunks? Yes, you have to wear all shorts. I was wearing shorts.

Can I ask you a question? Did everyone else have swimming trunks? Because from what I remember, most people are clothed with a mac on. They haven't got swimming trunks. No, no. Not on a swim... This is not a formal way to say it on a laugh.

Emily doesn't know what it is. Emily doesn't know what it is. Emily doesn't know what it is, everyone. Emily doesn't know what it... No, I know. I was worried about this, Frank. Because I thought Emily might not know what it is. It's not like...

What is it? It's not like, you know... Remember the famous Princess Diana with the boys on that log thing? It's not that. Oh, okay. Do you know what it is? It's a credit card advert where a man goes through the offices sitting in his pants. Do they have them in Paris?

Oh, no. Oh, I see, so it's like a slide in a swimming pool. Yes, a watery slide. Okay, all right. A watery slide, a slide in a swimming pool. Yes. It's a watery slide. Okay. All right. A watery slide, but there's lots of them all in one place. And working class, stroke lower middle class people go there, take all their clothes off, put on swimming trunks.

And then, so, yeah, and it was, at first I thought it was going to be rubbish because it was standing in a stairwell staring at the back of a big moley man. That sounds all right. Sounds like this guy at night. OK. But, but... Well, let's make it but, dot, dot, dot, and let's play some music.

That's what he looked like. That's all you remember about him. Aye, aye, aye. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, when we left Gareth, he was at Splashertown, standing at the top of some industrial stairs. Yes, behind the Mowly Man.

Yeah. And some of the stairs, I mean, it the Mowlima. Yeah. And some of the stairs, I mean, it wasn't a sunny day. On a sunny day, it would have been better. But there was one place that was outside. You had to go outside into, like, a bit of tower. You had to, like, go up. It's quite an elaborate place.

Go on, ask no question. You know, you said you were wearing trunks or something. Do you just wander around all day in trunks? Do you not have a robe in between? Do you have something on your feet in trunks? Do you not have a robe in between? There's something on your feet, is there? No. What?

Well, there is after you've been outside. Yeah. And on the metal, slimy staircase. Anyway. But, um... Besides Splashdown, it's a fun place, isn't it? It was amazing. They've all got fun names. So, like, there were some rides that were a bit shorter,

like the Dragon's Lair. That's a green slide. Makes sense. colorado coaster black thunder but they were quite short and they were over quite quickly but then there was one there was one that where you go down in a big ring um that was a lot of fun called um called um i think it was called the Mississippi Drifter okay American themed American themed place in the Grand Canyon very American themed do they talk about box sets everyone there

oh you've been watching it's your idea of hell just the water thing but what made it really fun I think I might be able to become by flumes what made it really fun i think i might be overcome by flumes what made it really fun was that you were there no okay my son ethan he's six years old and he is um just learning he joined up all the moles okay he could see your iran's belt yes um no he he is um just learning to swim so he can swim a bit but the water some

of the water was like nearly right up to his neck so it was a bit dicey at times so i had the fun of going down the flumes that by itself as a grown man might not have been as fun but i also had to rescue him from drowning at certain points great hero and yeah so what i found is that is very rewarding so at the end of the day i really felt like i'd done a good thing and had a lot of fun bonding experience with my son saving his life you know i like the sound of splashdown yeah frank if i go to splashdown you know what i'm gonna do just to mix things up a little bit. I'm going to wear one of those, you know they give you those Macs, those PVC see-through Macs. I'm just going to wear that with a bikini underneath.

Because then you're doing the rest of both worlds. I'm going to wear a blotting paper onesie and just spoil it for everyone. Get off, I'll have the flu and it just will have dried out completely. Just remember, there could be a place called hero lander where you go and you walk along and like you know people step in front of cars and it's all set up so you get to be the hero over and over again i would go there that'd be brilliant if there's anyone listening um which i'm wondering if there is by now after 90 minutes of hovercraft chat but um i think i honestly think that would be, you know,

this is the age of the strange theme park, as we've seen this weekend in Western Superman. Heroland. I'm up for it. Frank, Emily and Gareth. Alan's in Edinburgh at the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. We've got an email from someone someone from ireland says morning guys irish person yeah morning guys in my local in ireland

yeah i was i once told a lovely lady i don't know i once told a lovely lady she had her top on inside out. This isn't a limerick, is it? It was in limerick. She had her top on inside out as she was leaving the pub. She then turned into a very scary ranting lady telling me exactly what I can do. Oh, dear.

If I put my top on inside out, I would hope someone would tell me before heading into a nightclub I think this might be from a period Where people used to wear their tops inside out Deliberately Do you remember that? I do but you know what I've had this happen to me I had a girl I was all dressed up

Wearing Stella McCartney And I'm not going to lie I look quite good I know you're not meant to say that as a woman But I'm going to It was one night when I'd managed to, you know, get it together. And she turned round, tapped me on the shoulder, and she went, your label's sticking out. Now, that can be tricky when someone does that.

Well, do you think that's a bad thing to do? Well, yeah, like I care. My label says Stella McCartney. Oh, I see, you'd stuck it out especially. Excuse me. It actually starts to. Like, that's a problem. It's not as, you know.

Yeah, and if someone spills something on with you, you want them to be able to see the washing instructions. Yeah, I'm never sure about your tops inside out, your label sticking out, I can see your pants. You know, keep it to yourself. Your skirt's inflated. Your hovercraft's noisy. Well, I don't know.

He was obviously trying to do a good turn. I suppose coming from a man, it suggests that he was looking at the top a bit too much. I don't know if it was a man or a lady. I guess Matt Hermes? Is that what it is? Matt Hermes. It might be Matt Hermes.

Yes. That might be a man. I reckon that's a man. Or a non-shiny lady called Hermes. Absolute. Absoles. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you see the article this week, Emily, about job interviews?

Oh, boy, it cut me out of the conversation. Sorry. Frank, as well. We're having an employee chat. Yeah. And we don't want the boss in the room. Did you last have a job interview? I didn't interview.

We're sparking up an affair in the... Live on the radio. Yeah. Sorry, yes, I did see that, Gareth. Fascinating questions people get asked in interviews nowadays. But I like the sound of it because I think that, you know, why do you want this job and all those things are so dull? Whereas if you really want to find

if someone's got a brain that can suddenly leap up like a young gazelle, you ask them something. I remember when Charlie started work on this show, I said, what's your brand? And she just looked at me as if I'd said, your top's inside out. Russell.

Katie. No, but I don't think she ever answered. All sorts of questions. No one answers. You ask everyone that. No, because someone told me. You do all the time over at lunch. We're sitting there saying, so anyway, so then on the Tuesday I thought I was going to go,

what's your brand? Of course I don't answer, because it's psychotic. Someone said to me they were asked that in an interview, and I think it's an interesting question. What's your brand? Sorry, I heard someone... Of course they don't answer, because it's psychotic. Someone said to me they were asked that in an interview, and I think it's an interesting question, what's your brand? Sorry, I don't smoke. That would have been fine. That would have been good. But some of these...

I love how, Frank, it's how you ask these things. You know, in the context of an interview, it's fine. When you're sitting there having brunch, relaxing, you know, a hard day's work, you don't want some Birmingham man shouting, what's your brand? But I didn't shout. And also, Charlie was new, and I was trying to, you know, open the conversation.

Sitting there a bit quiet, the way people do when they're new. Oh, so someone's sitting there quietly, so what you think is, I'll shout, what's their brand? Yeah. Anyway, it's getting tense in the room, you guys. It's not, because Frank's like my brother, and I can talk to him like I want to. This is an interesting question that sort of fits in with this. One of the questions they ask people to get the cut of people's jib in interviews

is how would you interject in a fight between Batman and Superman? Which is, that's very much the vibe I'm getting here. I'd say, hey, stop that. Or I'll reveal your secret identities. Oh, that's good. They've got an Achilles heel. Or kryptonite. Or I'd say, come on, you're both orphans. Yeah. You'll find something in common. Keep it light, Frank. They've got things in common. Do you know what I'd say? I'd say, Superman's got this in the bag, love. Yes.

What does Batman do? Put slide projectors on the sky and he's terrified. He's got bat phobia. Those are his superpowers. I remember he has guile. He has tremendous guile. Oh, is that the butler? Yeah, that's what you want to do.

You want to put your arm around Batman and say, look, I know you're an athletic chap, but honestly. He's got lasers coming out of his eyes. He can move the world. Don't say that because there's a new movie coming out with Ben Affleck and it's going to be over in five minutes if you guys write it. What does he do, Frank Batman? He just does the slide projectors, doesn't he?

He doesn't have powers. He doesn't do the slide projector. That's Commissioner Gordon. Oh, sorry. What does he do? He learns skills. He's been down a well with bats in. Has he?

Yeah, in one movie. Okay. And one of the other questions, because there are a few, we've had that one. How many traffic lights are there in London? Wait, I'll go and count. One, two... See, if somebody asked me that... Okay, Frank, what would you say?

I think I'd say, you know what, I don't pay attention to them most of the time. Would you? Yeah. You know, they're red, they're green. Yeah. You know, it's like being on the flume. You just take your chance. Now, that reminds me many, many years ago, there was a story

knocking around about some guy who went for an interview. This is like a story from the 60s yeah and and when he went in the guy said to it there was two guys interviewing and one of them said so would you say you're an observant person and he said yeah i think so it's okay what was the number plate of the taxi that you came in in this morning and he said GAD 974A Oh and afterwards the other guy said, this is not a joke the other guy said, well he must have been lying about that and he said I know he was lying

but that's what we want, he was straight in there didn't bat an eyelid so I think it's the same theory isn't it I don't want a quick liar working for me no actually Madison's a place for those guys I don't want a quick liar working for me. No. Actually, Madison's a place for those guys.

You can lie straight to your face. What about when Frank offered me the job on this radio show and he said, what music are you into? And I said, we're in a bar. And I said, it's to the way to... Excuse me, could you turn that down, please? It's terrible. I said to Emily, would you like to come and be the co-presenter on this radio show I'm doing?

And she said, oh, that's fantastic, Frank. I'm so glad we never slept together because we're still speaking. That's exactly how I feel. Yeah, exactly. Well, there was that. We were on tour. Yeah. Luckily, Gideon was there for most of it.

Oh, don't. Anyway, we come now to the end of another show. That was the best decision I ever made, Frank. I mean, doing the show, not sleeping. They're so intertwined. I think it's mutual. That's why I love you. So, thank you so much for listening.

And if the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. The good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.