The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Footwell Chaos

Episode Date: May 18, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has done a talk at the Radio Festival and come away from a football match with an unusual item. Also Emily has had problems with pests and the team discuss Britain's messiest van.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show for the Absolute Radio website. Are we still on Instagram? That's good. Why? Has it closed? I thought we might have done something scandalous. Um, no,

not this week. Okay. Well, we played a very weird verse. Anyway, carry on. Okay. Morning. So, um, it's been a difficult week. I know. Well, I think I know what you're gonna say. Oh, yeah. Well, I don't want to pre-empt you.

Come on, you can pre-empt me. Okay, great. A couple of people, Frank, more than a couple, I'm going to go full handful, have been in

touch regarding your beloved team. I don't think you had the best week, did you? We should say,

we're not going to go hardcore into football, but of course whenever we talk about football, I try to seek out the human

interest element, so there's something for everybody but this week there was a game which would have sent the team I support towards Wembley and then possibly towards the Premier League that great pot of

gold in the sky but despite a certain amount of courageous behaviour, it didn't work out. Well, James got in touch with us, James K Design, to say... Oh, James K Design. Yes.

I don't know if he's anything to do with Kafka's The Trial. He's the brother of Joseph, perhaps. A modern update on... Well, he basically says says lock up your central reservations hashtag WBA hashtag playoffs, Frank is on the prowl that's because when I used to

get very drunk I used to sleep on central reservations in Birmingham, I didn't go that far but I'll tell you what I did do as I drove back from it, I mean I didn't get off the car park till half eleven. Oh, no. And then they closed the M6.

So I'm just driving late at night. I'm old. I thought, can I make it? Did you have an audiobook on? Oh, thank God I had Big Finish audiobooks. I got through three different Doctor Whos. Did you? I got through Davidson, Baker, brackets Colin, and Sylvester.

Okay. So, yes, thank God for that. I think I might have just driven into the heartbreak Birmingham night. Right. Being stuck in the car park is, oh. When you've lost, it's bad. When you've won, just you just want to sit somewhere and glow i don't do that anymore the last time that happened to me stop glowing

no i'll never stop glowing in car parks no when i know there's going to be a car park where there's going to be an overflow that's going to make me sit there for longer than about 10 minutes i don't go to the the thing i just refuse to go wow about 10 minutes, I don't go to the thing. I just refuse to go. Wow. I had it once. I didn't go to Ascot for that reason. And the last time it happened to me was Oasis 1996.

You didn't go? I went and I got stuck in the car park. I thought, I won't be doing this again. So as a result of Oasis... Do you like that, though? It's sort of a moment of, like, I think I'm ready to make a big decision. No, but it's the reverse of deferred gratification.

Right. Because when you park, to be able to park right next to the ground before the game is brilliant. Right. So I don't think about tomorrow. It's the drinker's mentality. When I park and I just walk out, brilliant.

And then I'll worry about that long long you're the opposite of annie in many respects and i love you for that the opposite of annie could be um my motto yeah and also i had one of those um i was one of those do-gooders in front of me in the queue who kept letting people in. People who were cheating by going halfway down the queue. He was letting them in. I don't like that. What? Can I just have an update?

I was looking for the fish sticker. There wasn't one. It was just a nice bloke. Yeah. I once went to Greenbelt, the Christian festival, and I was talking to traffic, and I realised, and I'm not making this up for Comic Cafe, there was three people at a roundabout trying to give way to each other.

Christian traffic, it just doesn't work. You can't make it work. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Jack Grealish. Oh, yeah. Ring any bells? Yes. Are you familiar with his work?

Is he a footballer? He is. Yes, heard of him. He plays for Aston Villa. And I hate to say it, but he's a very good player. Okay. How's big of you? But I'll tell you something.

I was watching him, and he's a handsome young chap, and he... Everything said to me that he had gone through several pairs of kit shorts until he'd found ones that were a bit snugger than everyone else on the team. Oh, had he? I think someone's told Jack that he's got a fabulous

derriere. Oh, right. And I'm not saying that they've given him misinformation, because he has. But by goodness me, he has framed it. Oh, right. He has put it in the shop window. Someone said to me, oh, the rumour is that he's going to play under the

auspices of the Black Chicken next year for Tottenham. That will just sound like such gobbledygook to me. Who doesn't know what this is? I know, but I always think that... Even football fans might be lost by that last bit. I always think the listeners we've got are probably... We've probably got the ones we're going to get by now.

Right. Do you know when you watch X Factor or something like that? No, I don't. I don't. I never have. Or Britain's Got Talent. I know. Someone comes on and you think,

well, where have you been for the last ten years? Right. Why now? Why now have you come forward with this talent? What have you been sitting at home and thinking, oh, hold on a minute, this is like Series 8. Oh, I see. So people with the talent.

What about that thing I... Oh, actually, I might do... Where have they been? Are they an enormous holding pen? Anyway. So someone said to me, he's going to Tottenham next year, and I think he will balk

at having to wear dark shorts. I think that will let him down. I thought you meant bulk. No, no. If he makes the most of all those bottomless pint glasses there. I think he's going to lose a bit of definition in a Tottenham Hotspur short. I think he

might change his destination for that reason. Interesting. Well, we'll watch this space. We'll have him down our way. If that transfer falls apart and he stays... Or goes somewhere with white shorts. If that transfer falls apart, I would love it. So, I had many thoughts on the night.

For example, they had a half-time. I once went to the Cop Final with an American girlfriend and they had a brass band come on. And she said, hey, they have a halftime show. And so I always think of it as the halftime show. Yes. And what they did, they had like a big, well, it's sort of like a dartboard.

Okay. But you lie it flat on the pitch. It's like a cloth dart board. Oh yes, I understand what you're saying, yes. And then a fan comes on and he has to kick the ball and he has to get it to stop in one of the segments. Oh, okay. Sounds fun.

Yeah, it's... you can't quite see what the segments are is the problem unless you're in the very highest seat. So it's basically a bloke trying to stop a ball on a blanket. Right. That's what you're watching. Imagine it, it's like an annoying person at a picnic.

Yes. So anyway, he rolls the ball down. First time he misses, crowd give him a bit of stick, you know. Next time, he does get it on the blanket. I'm relieved for him. Yes. The guy says, well done. He has a look at his list and he says

you've won a Lockheed dip. And I thought, well hold on. This is like the Hall of Mirrors phenomenon. You just can't carry on winning another go at something forever. Yeah. Anyway, so the next time I can see even from my vantage point

he's gone much more central. And I thought, well, thank God for that. He's actually got something. And the bloke looks at his list and said, right, you've won air freshener. Air freshener? Oh. Air freshener. I mean, it was in the, you know, the narrow bit.

Does it mean for the hair? No, air. Oh, OK, right. No, I just thought it was an accent thing. So that was pretty much the top prize, was some air freshener. Well, he didn't get the ball. I don't know what the ball would have been. Scratchings?

Oh, terrible. I mean, come on, guys. It was a playoff semi-final. When Zoopla used to... You know Zoopla? Yeah. When they sponsored us, they used to bring a big wooden house, like two-dimensional house front. Did they?

And the prize was, but never mind, this is a man who's just won a Lucky Dip and an air freshener, right? If you got a football through the window of the wooden two-dimensional house, you won a house. No. You won a house

with it. This bloke won an air freshener. That is a great prize. See, when we was in the prep, you could won a house. No. You won a house with it. This bloke won air fresh. That is a great prize. See, when we was in the Prem, you could win a house and now we're in the Championship, you can win air fresh. Now that, if anyone ever asked you the difference between those two things, that is the answer.

Here's a question that struck me while I was watching the match the other night. Oh, here's a question for you that struck me while I was watching the match the other night. Oh, yes. Where do you buy smoke bombs from? Good question. Could you get to Halfords? 8, 12, 15. That's, I mean, they're not selling them at the club shop, are they?

No, what is that? They get the colours, though. They always get the right colour. Well, maybe they are selling them at the club shop. You're right. We've found the culprit. Do they have another use? Do they have an industrial practical use?

I mean, if I met someone and I said, oh, what do you do for a living? He said, I manufacture smoke bombs. Yeah, I think he was an anarchist, though. But these are clearly, you know, you know recreational items but you're

absolutely right I mean the odd parade maybe do you think they're part of the firework market

yeah a bit of a damp squib I mean they don't go very high do they there's something

I sort of when I see one at a match though if it's like you know I don't know Liverpool and it's a red smoke bomb I think oh that's it you've match though like if it's like you know i don't know liverpool and it's

a red smoke bomb i think that's it you've done your prep you haven't just you know yeah you haven't just gone in and picked a smoke bomb at random when we see smoke bomb maybe is it just chalk or something is it is it it's red smell blue i think the villa i'd like to see in the smoke frank i think villa had claret smoke in there. Very specific. They were in oxblood. Yes. Well, yeah.

I mean, obviously you get it on the dark net. Oh, yeah. I know where you get stink bombs. Oh, yeah. Because stink bombs always had that very distinctive... There was a cartoonist who only seemed to do jokes. Are you familiar with his work? No, about stink bombs?

No, he would do cartoons on the cover of a Stinkbomb package. Oh, yes. And I never saw his work elsewhere. It's that fabulous thing in comics where lines coming off something could tell you all sorts of things. They could tell you something. If it was smelly, there'd be curvy lines going upwards.

If someone had got a sore nose, there'd be straight lines coming off the end of it. I mean, it's really... The line work is... The line was exceptional, and I do think the linesman... I think also the stink bomb artist might have been at least related

or trained at the school of, like when Leonardo had his apprentices, as a real Bronx cheer artist. Oh, the whoopee cushion guy. Oh, right. I think they came from the same school. Yeah, mate, wouldn't it be great to find out it's the same person?

Anyway, and I don't want one, yet. A smoke bomb? Yeah, but they just taught me they don't feel sinister enough. You have to get them from any way horrible. I mean, we have had a number of...

Well, we've had feedback already on this. Halfords? I'm guessing Halfords. No, he hasn't been in touch. But clarification, these are for children, not crazed footy fans. It says 887. Oh, so it's a kid's toy thing. A little bit judgy. You can use smoke bombs for checking chimneys aren't blocked.

Gas men. Wow. Different colours to see coming out of chimney in bad weather. Excellent. That's what they've been doing at the Vatican. What about this, by the way? You know, I'll shut up about the game after this, Link, but, you know, it ended with a penalty shootout.

Imagine if they'd won. It ended with a penalty shootout, right? Right. And before the penalty shootout, three penalty takers who would have took penalties had already been off and gone off and been substituted. So it was quite a heavy-duty conversation to decide who the five, the brave five would be so they

gathered round and it was a real like serious heavy you know discussing it you're asking people to put their you know they nail their courage to the sticking post or whatever it is and they were joined by Baggy Bird, the mascot, who seemed to be nodding along and contributing. He was contributing. I took a...

Can we get a say? What was he? It was too big a moment for him. He was just dying out of it. Yeah. This is a... The club's future is on the line and there's a giant throsh getting involved in the chat.

I think there might have been an expert in the costume. No, it was Adrian Childs. He can't resist getting involved. Well, look, I took a photo, so we'll put that on our... What do we put it on, Sarah? We'll put it on our Instagram. I mean, I was... Partly funny, but I thought, no, I told them the wrong advice to go out.

Can you imagine if that happened at an England game? What's happened? Are we asking cartoon characters to make major... I mean, we've now hit sort of year zero at West Brom, maybe because of something that the giant thrush advised. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We know so much about smoke bombs now. Oh, loads. Well, you know what?

That's been an education for me because I did think they might be from some dark, anarchic part of society and illegal and all that. And the answer is not at all. It's for gas men mainly, or gas people. You use smoke bombs for checking chimneys aren't blocked. And Neil says different colours to see coming out of chimney in bad weather. That's why they have different colours.

Brilliant. And 469L says you can get them from paintball and special effects suppliers. I use them for photography. About £4 each. I love that he's given a price. I'm out. £4 each? Four.

That's a bargain, isn't it? No, it's too much. I'm bringing one in next week. What is the... Absolute rip-off. What is it contained in? I like to think it's a round black, you know, a little black sphere. Like a balloon, I imagine a balloon.

Like the bombs of yesteryear. With a slight thing on the top with a fuse. Yeah. Was there ever a bomb like that? Yeah. Like a sort of cartoon Daffy Duck Acme Bomb Company bomb. So sphere, slight tube on the top, fuse, that kind, with bomb written on it. Did such a bomb ever exist?

I'm sure. I hope that's true. I don't want to be hoisted by my own petard. No. 473 has said, Morning All My Dad Used To Smoke His Greenhouse Out At The End Of Every Year With A Smoke Bomb From The Garden Centre. To do what?

They were cone-shaped. Is that to get rid of insects? Yes, I imagine so, yeah. I want a why on this. Why would someone do that? You'd think it is insects. Also, in those days, you'd just sit some old uncle down in there with 20 embassy. I can't think of any other reason for making a greenhouse a certain colour.

No wonder we never had insects in our house. You'd get through the pea soup or a smoke. It's the sort of thing Jean Michel Jean might try and pull off at a girl's house. Remember Jean Michel? He did the pyramids and made all the pyramids

go different colours in his gig. I based my entire hairstyle on him. Do you? What a man. JMJ. Anyway, more football news. I'm moving away now to a club in having happier times. My son, you may know, supports the Black Chickens. Oh, he loves Black Chickens.

So we went along there and we came away with some booty. Oh, did you? Club shop? Well, we was in the hospitality section nice and um didn't know greelish had signed signed yeah there wasn't an yeah there was a lot of booty booty plus next season um so um the uh there was a at this sort of bit where you got food. There was the biggest, strangest tomato I've ever seen. Not to be eaten. It was so strange.

It had been taken away from the other tomatoes. And there's no tomatoes in the community. They just put it on a shelf. And it became a thing that people went, wow, look at that tomato. Incredible. It's separated. Yeah, but it was like not only massive, but like it was all strangely shaped and gnarled. Oh, was she

taking a photo? Well, as it happens, he's got pics. Oh, God. Boz was so enamoured of this, the chef said, do you want it? Are you joking? So he gave us the giant tomato.

It's like a Roald Dahl story. Yeah. I love this chef. It is. He was so kind of him. It's really cool. Someone had said to me... The giant tomato.

If someone had said to me, you're going to leave Tottenham Hotspur with a gift for your child, I would have had a thousand guesses before I'd have hit the giant tomato button. But I did a photo, which I'll also put on Instagram. Oh, lovely. I'll tell you why, because I realised as soon as I got my actual hands on it,

it was a prop gag waiting to happen. Oh, good. Oh, great. That's nice for Kath. So not only have we got the giant tomato at home, we think we need to... It's his birthday coming up, so we thought we'd eat it this weekend.

That's a nice cake for a child. Yeah. Birthday tomato. Yeah, put a candle on it. Horrible birthday tree, a tomato. Do you remember that sketch that Les Dawson used to do with... Was it Roy de Trees, when they used to be like two old women talking?

Talking over the fence, yeah, yeah. And there was one when Les Dawson had a big salami that he'd bought. You can imagine what they just, he took the cover off it in his basket and this big salami was sticking up. The audience laughed for about 12 minutes without anything being said. And you think, how can you possibly top this? And then he looks at the other woman and says, seems to be a shame to cut it, doesn't it?

We've just looked at a photograph of you with a tomato right in front of your face. We've done nothing else except stare at that tomato. Looking good. When a tomato really goes for it. Yeah. I think it's symbolic of what we can all achieve if we really try. It's a shame you've already put the picture up,

because I feel like when a tomato really goes for it could also have been the caption on the Insta. When a tomato ignores its comfort zone. Oh, it's a biggie, all right. It's like it doesn't know the idea of circle. It's like it hasn't seen other tomatoes. Yeah. There once was an ugly tomato.

I love its independent streak. I wonder what it's going to taste like. Well, yeah. I wonder if it's going to taste like. Well, yeah. What if it's like the taste bit? I mean, the great thing... We'll soon find out on Buzz's tomato-based birthday celebration. Well, the great thing, of course, is tomatoes don't actually taste of anything,

so it hasn't got much to... Well, OK, that's quite controversial because a lot of people don't like tomatoes. He's gone there. How do you explain that, my friend? Well, they don't like it because... The pips? Well, I don't know.

I've never seen them interviewed. But it's like if someone could... If you could mould tap water and made it tomato-shaped, then, you know... The thing... I mean, I won't go on too much about tomatoes. However, the thing that...

Are you reassuring someone who you see in your mind's eye reaching for dial? Yes. We did all those links about football, but tomato is the bit they're going to jump off. Or indeed any link in the entire last year. They were about life. But the thing that slightly troubles me about the tomato

is just how tenuous the contents are. The linkage to the outer casing. Yeah. I mean, the vulnerability of those contents. Do you see what I'm saying? I do. It could go at any second. Well, I'll tell you what,

I'm getting very anxious about this because I'm anxious at how embarrassed I'm going to feel if someone texts in and do you know they're a fruit? I don't think I'm going to be able to live with that. I can't. That's unacceptable. Because you know what? They're not a fruit.

I don't care about any, every common sense element. And I'm't care about any, every common sense element and I'm dubious about common sense but having eaten a lot of fruit they're not fruit. I don't care about the pips. Keep your pips. We do apparently.

But no, it's not a fruit and no one will tell me that it is. Goodnight. Oh, I tell you what. Classification wise they're a fruit but cuisine wise they're Good night. Oh, I tell you what. I think classification-wise they're a fruit, but cuisine-wise they're a vegetable. We treat them as a vegetable. Yeah, exactly.

You know, and I know, they're not a fruit. You know, you eat a fruit and you think, oh, you eat a tomato and you think, hmm. It's all right. Yeah, it's something to carry salad cream on. Yeah. Yum. It's alright Something to carry salad cream on Yeah Yum

What were you going to say my friend? I was going to say something I mean earth shattering But unfortunately we've run out of time Because everything stops For the news and all that Even tomatoes Even tomatoes

Yes Just trying to think of a way out and all that. Even tomatoes. Even tomatoes. Yes. Just trying to think of a way out. What's your favourite tomato-based snack, though? Ketchup. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. You did a little festival this week.

Yeah, when you say festival, there was no one sliding along in the mod or there was no tree hogging in the early hours. Outdoor toilets, all that stuff. No, it was the radio festival. Lovely. Oh, a much more civilised affair than what was just described, I should think. Well, of course you

have been entered into the academy I believe. Inducted. Inducted? Oh. Did you get a cloth tote bag? It feels like that kind of festival. You know what? If there was a goodie bag, I didn't see it. Oh, you would have loved a radio festival cloth tote. In fact, when I came out after it, there was no car.

And someone said to me, oh, you absolutely cancelled your car. You came out. I thought, how bad did it go that they've cancelled? There was no car and someone said to me, oh, you absolutely cancelled your car home. I thought, how bad did it go that they've cancelled? I'm going to make him get a boss. We are not paying for that to go home. So that was a bit upsetting. But anyway, it felt like it went really well. So what did you do?

Induct. By the way, on the subject of inducted, there's a word I really like. I noticed in the paper today there was a thing about Mega Marker which used the word protocol, which is another...

Wow, what a word that is. Love a protocol. So I was interviewed by Matt Ford. Oh, I love me some Fordy. Now, Matt Ford, what about this? What a guy. He is, he's what a guy. Now, Matt Ford, what about this? What a guy. He is, he's what a guy.

He had a gig in Glasgow the previous night, and then he got a train down to interview me at the British Library in London, and then he got after that, immediately after, he dashed off to get a train back to Edinburgh. So in between Glasgow and Edinburgh, he came down to do that thing.

Wow. He's the man. Not paid. What? I know. We better not have been. I wasn't. First I thought it was commendable.

Now I think it's a symptom of madness. What are you up to? If it wasn't, I'll never speak to him again. He's just texted me. What an era. Okay, so you weren't paid. Okay. Yeah, he got 3,000 cloth tote bags.

Now you come to mention it, though. There was no goodie bag. You've got to have a goodie bag. Yeah. Or even a little... Or a horror. A little Robert's Radio. I mean, the whole thing about doing things

that you're not paid to do is you get a goodie bag. Surely. Too late. Oh, thank goodness we never sound like entitled nightmares. I know. I've tried to avoid that. Questions did he throw you? Was it a nice interview?

I imagine it was. Well, he started asking me about my view on, you know, radio and stuff like that. It was a bit difficult. What is your view? I expected that. My view on radio was, well, it's all right. I like this.

As long as I'm presenting it. I think you have quite a binary view on radio. You've said in the past that there are two types of presenters, aren't there? The ones that... Well, I mentioned, I did mention the fact that... Oh, God. Yeah. Alan.

No, it's all right. You can say these things in front of a radio crowd because they never think you're talking about them. That's perfect. Okay. So I pointed out that there are some presenters who if they just went blah, blah, blah, the show wouldn't suffer in any way

or be any notably different. Great. Did you name anyone? No, no. Oh, good. I would never name anyone. That would be any notably different great did you name anyone no no never I would never name anyone that would be

wrong but in the age of robotics it is a dangerous game to play because so replaceable

yeah in that respect I mean you know I know we can be hit and miss but speak for yourself but we're trying we are trying we're trying In that respect. I mean, you know, I know we can be hit and miss.

Speak for yourself. But we are trying. We're trying to, you know. I said, you know, the interesting or funny is that's the deal. If you can't do either of those, get a milk round. That's my thing. Respect to any milk people out there. No, but it will. What will happen when these people say,

no, no, I think what I actually said, now I come to remember it, is if the highlight of your last link was the time check, then you need to have a rethink. And I do think these people, God bless them, they will be replaced by robots because you've got to have a reason to remain so that bit went

well I thought because I say people think well he obviously doesn't mean me so they weren't loving me and then I said I talked a bit about I said I heard a podcast about Anglo-Saxon history it was a bloke in a shed and he's really interesting and lively and he sounded like he loved it

and then I listened to a Radio 4 programme about Anglo-Saxon history and it sounded a bit poh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh and the place just went completely silent so that's

why I think they haven't put it up as a podcast but anyway I was only telling, you know, I'm not saying that that was a general rule That's why I think they haven't put it up as a podcast. But anyway, I was only telling, you know, I'm not saying that that was a general rule, but in that particular instance... I always remember when Frank said to me, I said I was trying to be more honest in my life, and he said, yeah, it's a harder way to live, though.

He wasn't lying. No, but I'll tell you what, what I've seen this week is lines of mine, which I thought were pretty good, misquoted on Twitter... Oh, I hate that. What I've seen this week is lines of mine, which I thought were pretty good, misquoted on Twitter and destroyed. So I missed the podcast. Oh, yeah.

The evidence. But anyway, like I say, it was a fun day, but I didn't get a car back. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I think the reason I might have had my car cancelled Oh my god, you give these things so much thought, don't you? Well, you know, I mean A lot of time alone as a comic I think it was Sir Thomas Wyatt who said

They flee from me that sometime did me seek And I thought it might be an example of that um but and other things no one ever said about a cancelled car so I uh after post um post post-Ford interview, he shot off to Houston, and I met a historian called Claire who took me to see the Magna Carta and the

Codex Sinaticus. Brilliant. Strange hook-up. Yeah. Well, I was after a Beowulf, I'll be honest with you, but apparently it's in storage. That's a shame. I mean, if Beowulf doesn't make the front window, it makes you wonder what they've got,

the old British Bible. So the Codex Sinaiticus, I don't know if you know it, is the oldest existing version of the Bible. I think it's third century. You'd love it. Yeah. And think it's 3rd century. You'd love it, Al.

Yeah, yeah. And the Magna Carta, obviously, is the Magna Carta. Oh, I love a Magna Carta. When was it signed, the Magna Carta? 1215. Correct. And it made me think that 8-12-15, which is how I texted, is a bit like the personalised number plate that King John would have. Not quite right. it's a bit like the personalised number plate that

King John would have not quite right got the important bit but the 8's in the way what's that for John well

you know I think it's the 12.15 that really counts yes but it was very exciting to go and

see what does it look like up close the Magna Carta the tiniest writing. Oh, lovely. But I mean, beautifully done. But it's like they were, and I tell you, the last bits get a bit smaller.

Like, you know when you think, oh, hold on, I'm not going to get this in. Right, running out. Like a postcard. Yeah, I do that sometimes. I wrote a card to, well, I'm going to have to do the name drop. Go on.

But Frank went by Neil Gaiman, a mutual friend of ours. Oh, yes. Neil always writes in the old school way. He doesn't do the email and the text. Oh, excellent. He writes a card through the post. Lovely. So I had to respond to him in green ink, and I couldn't fit it all in.

In green ink? Yeah, he writes in, I think he wrote in green ink. Oh, green ink. Yeah, green ink he writes. It used to be the sign of don't pursue anyone who writes to you in green ink. Did it?

It used to be part of the dangerous community. Oh, no. It's more the creative community. Yes. Anyway, my point is I ran out and it was like

two different hands throughout. The second hand was like the font of a Oh dear. of a very strange person. I have the opposite problem with a postcard. I think, how am I going to fill this enormous, expanse of space?

Is that because you're trying to write jokes in all of it? You're always thinking, I can't just put anecdote. It's just a bit, it's always, really I'm just saying, here's a postcard from me. Maybe I'll just write that forever now. Dear, here's a postcard from me, Frank. Because I've got, you know people buy you, I got 50 Radio Times covers postcards recently.

In a goodie bag, you know a goodie bag? Just mentioning that, so Absolute Radio can get ancards recently. Oh. In a goodie bag. You know, a goodie bag? Just mentioning that. So Absolute Radio can get an idea of the concept. Actually, they didn't organise the thing. It was just radio in general. All right. OK. But anyway...

What, the concept of radio organised it? When I saw these radio... I think I need to start sending people postcards. Mm-hm. But, um... They're fun. I know, but keep the content pleasant. Oh yeah of course I don't mean threatening

letters type things no threatening letters I used to be a thing, begging letters as well yeah apparently he said begging letters used to be people who specialised in it.

Oh, well, why? Don't know why. I've had the pest control men in this week. Uh-oh. Oh, yeah. You were like my sitcom husband there. Uh-oh. Here she is.

Well, I'm worried about what pest we're talking about. I'm worried about whether that's some sort of euphemism thing. OK, I will. I've had a population explosion in my house. OK. With moths. Oh, moths. Oh, dear. They love me.

Oh, no. Oh. Moths is what you don't want. Do not like them. Well, dear. They love me. Oh, no. Oh. Yeah. Moths is what you don't want. Do not like them. Well, I have a lot of... Clothes. Luxury chunky knits.

Yeah. And a moth with... We've got moths and knits. They love... No. Can I just say, I do not have knits. Okay. However, I had to go quite hardcore on the type of pest control

because I have a moth's population explosion. But in addition to this, I discovered that one of my neighbours, who shall remain nameless, I'd heard they'd had an infestation of our old friend, the bed bug. Oh, dear. When you say neighbour, do you mean literally next door? bug. Oh, Dana. I know. When you say neighbour, do you mean literally next door? Yes.

That's close. It's too close for comfort. Yeah, but you're not sharing the bed, are you? It's just a wall in between, isn't it? I think you can still use comfort, but it won't get rid of that. So I decided,

so I had an existing moth problem, Frank, and an anticipatory BBs issue. Well, I'd rather have bed had an existing moth problem, Frank, and an anticipatory BBs issue. Well, I'd rather have bedbugs than a moth. Would you? Because you can be... 8, 12, 15. Yeah. Which would you rather?

Bedbug or moth. Because you can... This is going to be as good as corpse or faeces, isn't it? Bedbug or... Would you rather bedbug or moth? Frank, make the case for the bedbug over the moth. Well, you can cover your itchy bed bug bites with your fabulous clothes. I know what it is to take a suit off a hanger and see a hole in the back of it.

It's heartbreaking. Oh, try this week. Put on a jumper. Didn't realise until I was at the venue. The moth had eaten into the cashmere. And let's just say no one was in any doubt as to the colour of my lingerie. Your brassiere.

My brassiere. Brassiere through cashmere. It's quite fashionable now, though, isn't it? A bit of exposed brassiere. I think Madonna... Not like that. You've done it deliberately, though. Not moth-eaten, unless you're going for apocalypse chic.

So anyway, I decided to get rid of them because we know how we feel about bed bugs especially as we discovered not only do they have beaks but i've become a bit obsessed by them and i've discovered they've been around since the dinosaurs what yes they've been around pre-bed pre-bed what were they called then Bed? Pre-bed. What were they called then? Well, they made... They loved a bird's nest and an owl burrow. Owl burrow? Yes, the burrowing owl.

Was there no trees then, either? The burrowing owl burrows underground. That's where they make their home. I found out so much about bedbugs, Frank. No. Well, all sorts of things. Okay, I had no idea they were that old. Well, I mean, don't insult the things.

No, but I mean, it feels like we should be deferential to them. I don't think it's the same ones, though. I think they're descendants. Oh, those things don't die. They don't die. Maybe we're descended from them. You reckon? What we need is some sort of evolutionary scientist.

More science on the show. They're older than bats. Older than bats? Is that the title of your new book? Can I say, by the way, we know we spoke about audiobooks. Yeah. I was looking, I'm on a thing called Audible. Oh, yeah.

And I looked on there and I thought I'd have a look at Emily's book, right? 163 reviews, all five stars. Brilliant. I mean, it's a phenomenon. Brilliant. Do-do-do-do-do. Really? All from F Skinner.

Well done, though. They are not. Well done, you. Oh, love him. That's what I would say. Love him. Yeah. I was, um, what was I?

Pleased. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I interrupt? Moths and bedbugs. Can I just say, I don't have bedbugs. I've got anticipatory bedbugs.

That's preventative. Thank you, Frank. Potential. What you want is, you know those velvet robes they put around beds in stately homes that you visit? That's what you want. Oh, like at Hampton Court? You've got one of those anyway, haven't you?

Yeah, but I'm not that exclusive, it turns out. So I decided it was time for some serious action. These chaps came in. They're young, the pest people. Are they? 17, one of the boys. Wow. I know.

He had a lot of experience with pests, though. He was with his brother, older brother. I said, oh, family business. He said, yeah. I said, was your dad a pest person? An exterminator. Yeah, I didn't know what to call it. I said, pest person. Yeah. He said, yeah, didn't know what to call it. I said pest person.

Yeah. He said, yeah, runs in the family. I thought, runs in the family's odd. Yeah. I tried to make a joke. All right. Because, you know, I had to leave the house for 12 hours. While they, basically what they do is turn the heat up,

they put the chemicals down, and they make it so hot, Ray and I had to leave the house. I said, I made a joke. You said to me earlier, nothing can be too hot for you. Yeah, that's what you said. Can I say, it wouldn't have been too hot. They made me leave the house.

I would have enjoyed it. And when I came back, having made a bug joke, I did make one bug joke. I said, I won't bug you. They didn't flinch. I know a sense of humour, these pest people. Maybe they've heard it. I think it's because they see it a lot.

I mean, no disrespect. I once had a builder who, straight-faced, said to me, I'm sorry, but he was fixing the chimney, and he said, it's going to cost more than we thought it was because the price of lead has gone through the roof. And he didn't even crack a smile. He was just so focused on building. Obviously, you would have cracked a smile

had it not been preceded by the price hike information. I'm not going to tell you what this... I mean, I went for the full Monty pest treatment. The treatment I went for is meant to repel... It's just during the 12 hours you were out of the house you went for the full Monty pest treatment. The treatment I went for is meant to repel... It says during the 12 hours you were out of the house you went for the full Monty pest treatment. Well, this is meant to repel anything and everything. But can I ask a question here?

Because someone said to me the very opposite of this. When I had the moths, and they weren't seen to be like getting full infestation, they said what you need to do is put your clothes in the deep freeze. Correct. Extreme temperatures. Oh, well, I see. Okay.

I like that he conceded. Oh, well. So I came back, Frank, and they had said, look, it'll be very hot. I said, I love the heat, I don't mind. I got back. The wallpaper had come off my walls. Wowee. My decorative logs had shrunk. I hate it when my walls. Wowie. My decorative logs had

shrunk. I hate it when that happens. Me too. Yeah. My sheepskin was... It's usually cold. It does that to me. Extreme temperatures. My sheepskin had shriveled to nothing. What? Yes. I mean, not a

sort of Ron Atkinson or John Motsen type sheepskin. I mean, my rugs. I have three. Oh, they'd become... Now you've got to use them as a chamois. Oh, dear. I wouldn't even use them on the car. Well, what happened?

Shriveled sheepskin, decorative logs shrunken, and wallpaper hanging off pathetically. That's a terrible thought, because if there was some sort of climate crisis and it got incredibly hot in this country, it suggests that sheep would be strangled by their own pelts.

What a terrible... Enjoy your breakfast everyone. What is the skin base I think? You remember I was talking about William S. Burroughs the other week? Oh, yeah. He wrote a book with Kerouac, and it was based,

the title was based on a report they heard on the radio of a fire at a zoo. And the book was called And the Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks. Oh. Good morning. Good morning. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Good morning. 496 has texted,

the 8 in 8, 12, 15 is fine as there were 8 copies of the Magna Carta. Wow, what's that? Pleasing. Lovely. Thank you, David, for that. If that's right, then you can imagine King John saying,

no, no, what, is City 8? Can't justify. Okay, King John. So I came back to the house to see the... Post heatwave. Oh, yeah. Expecting some sort of pet cemetery. Had the pest control people left at that point when you returned Oh, yeah. Expecting some sort of pet cemetery. Oh, yeah.

Had the pest control people left at that point when you returned, or were they just there in, like, speedos? No. Sunglasses? One of them was playing... Fabulous tans. Tequila. I mean, a pink collada, yeah.

It was a Club Tropicana video, if they wore anoraks in the Club Tropicana video. No, one was playing Candy Crush, I think, on his phone. OK. And, I mean, they were lovely boys and they did a great job. However, when I got back, I thought, well, I've got this carnage. That's the tax I paid on the pet cemetery or the bug cemetery. So there's dead moths everywhere.

Yeah, you'd think, wouldn't you? I went upstairs, I said, oh, where are the corpses? Yeah. And he said, oh, we didn't see any. I said, sorry? There weren't any bed bugs, as it turned out. So I should be grateful for this. I didn't see any dead moths either.

Had they hoovered them up or was it a false alarm? I don't know whether they'd had their hands on the Dyson but I think they did a good job. It was expensive though. They did a good job of getting rid of the marks that didn't exist. Well what do you think? I mean how much would you

expect to pay for that sort of work? Well I think what you've got to think of first of all bed bugs are a horrible thing, but also, you know, we're coming up to the summer, you'll soon be in your bikini. You know, you don't want bedbug marks. But also, I think with mods,

you've got to think about what you're going to lose. I mean, your years in the fashion industry. I've got a really impressive collection of cashmere. Yeah, I once came close to sobbing over a Smedley that had been lost to... What is a Smedley? A John Smedley. It's a very nice knitwear.

You've worn them. You're just not aware. Lovely. OK. Shout out to John Smedley in Matlock. I don't want anyone to think they just eat jumpers and stuff, but they do eat... They ate my jacket.

And a suit. Which jacket? Yeah, I've had a suit. What, your sheepskin? No, no, just a normal suit jacket. A big hole in the shoulder. It looked like a parrot had exploded. Oh.

Okay, so how much are we thinking? How much more do you pay, Al? Here's the question. Okay, shall we go to Frank first? £30? £31. £31. I'd expect to pay a couple of hundred quid.

You think a couple of hundred? Yeah, to get that done properly. Okay. Joe, higher. Not into... Not out of the hundreds. We're not going out of the hundreds, are we? 800 quid.

850. Do you think I was done? Well, no, because hold on. You've probably got a jacket worth 800 quid. Can I say there is a lot of money to me. I don't want people to think I'm throwing this money around willy-nilly. You can say that. Nobody's believing it. But you can say it.

No, but I'm saying is what you would lose in the clothes would be worth more than that. So see it as an investment. What a lovely attitude. You're like my priest. He's very wise. Not in the fleabag sense. No. Not that kind of priest.

Spoilers. If only Fleabag had gone CFE, it wouldn't have been a problem. Good point. Good point. Why? That was a plot failing. I'm just saying, Frank,

I might stick with the bedbugs and moths next. I mean, they're cheaper dates. Aren't they? They're the best controllers. No, I think... 8.50 a day. Who are these. Aren't they? They're the best controllers. £8.50 a day. Who are these guys? Sinatra? You did the right thing. £8.50 a day? I mean, please.

I'd be worried that there weren't any dead moths anywhere. That's just like they're sitting in a chill-out room somewhere waiting for the temperature to... Oh, they're post-rave, aren't they? It's a horrible feeling, though, that when you find the holes in the clothes. I think you did the right thing to do.

Did you? Oh, good. It made me feel so much better. Do you have pest problems, Alan? We've got a mouse. We've got a mouse. Just the one? We think it is just the one, but it's been in the bedroom. We've had a bedroom mouse. How do you know? It woke her up. She could hear it scampering the one but it's it's been in the bedroom we've had a bedroom mouse my wife could hear it how do you know

it woke her up she could hear it scampering the other day you sure it was a mouse I wasn't you hearing your history midnight yeah but remember

Al telling us that he was brilliant at coming home quietly oh I am good at tiptoeing that is a fact what a great thing to show off about tiptoeing

all that walking up the edge of the stairs really good at tiptoeing. That is a fact. What great things to show off about. Tiptoeing. It's all that walking up the edge of the stairs. Really good at tiptoeing. Very MI5. Also, but Frank, I didn't know that. Stand by that. If anything, my skills have got better in the intervening year or so. I didn't think of the mouse as a sort of bachelor character. Oh, there's more family set up.

Yeah. I'm worried, actually. You're right. I mean, he sounds a bit of a loner. Solitary, yeah. Morose. Concerned. It was a misprint. An emote.

Yeah. E-mouse. Yeah. No, I'm feeling, I'm already feeling sorry for that mouse. You can imagine it. Has he got a tiny black leather jacket? The fact that he's in the bedroom is like he's a starving artist in the garret. He's like Thomas Chatterton.

I can see him now lying across the trap slightly empurpled. Oh, I see him, Frank, with a long black leather Matrix coat. Oh, do you? Like a tiny little one fitted. Maybe dyed his hair black, Robert Smith style. White sort of

Shelley type shirt, bishop sleeves. Well, keep us posted on here. I will. Oh, I will. I'm hoping he might escape in some way. Swinging from a very, very small chandelier, if you've got such a thing. Oh yeah, the house is full of small

chandeliers, as you can imagine. Oh, yeah, I remember you telling me that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Our 978 have got in touch about, they're calling them smokes, which are the... Smoke bombs. Smoke bombs.

Okay. Interestingly enough, they are a company, we have a company who sell them getting in touch. Okay. Your discussion on smokes, we're an all-year retail firework business and we sell them. They're predominantly purchased for gender reveals, you know, those baby parties.

You get a blue... What? Yes. No, I've never heard of that in my life. I know. Photography and, I've never heard of that in my life. I know. Photography and, wait for this one.

That's the sell-by date going on that industry, isn't it? Gender reveals. I thought gender was just a bourgeois construct. Okay, calm down everyone.

Listen, do you want to hear the third one? Stop it, you two. Do you want to hear the third one? Go on. Battle reenactments.

Come on. That makes a lot of sense. Phil Collins? That makes a lot of sense. Phil Collins in the Civil one? Go on. Battle reenactments. Come on! That makes a lot of sense. Phil Collins? That makes a lot of sense. Phil Collins in the Civil War? Hello! But why would you have a coloured smoke

for battle reenactments? I don't know. I think they might just have general smoke, Al. Maybe you can get like a blue and white one for the Scots and... Confederacy?

Other ones for other... Suggesting that one of them is on fire. Yeah. I don't know. I've never heard of the gender reveal smoke bomb. I mean, that's got to be outdoors, hasn't it? Didn't even know there was parties for that.

Oh, yeah, they have the cakes. So you cut into it and you either have a pink or a blue inside and that's how you know. Yeah. I've had friends who've had that so and the knife goes in and then everyone screams when the first piece comes out and you discover if it's a pink or blue cake i mean i'd always hope it was a girl simply because pink cake is nicer than blue cake i mean i love a boy don't get mean, I love a boy. Don't get me wrong.

I love a boy. When I make blue cakes, the blue is caused by WKD. That's what I put in. It's just full of WKD. I'm not much of a baker. Do you remember those indicators that used to get on the side of old mini club men that used to stick up?

They used to call them lollipop indicators. They used to stick up to tell you, I think I'd use that mechanism for the gender announcement Anyway Speaking of vans I'd like to bring to your attention, in my role as motoring correspondent on this show

a subject close to my heart has been in the news this week and it is in-cabin mess uh there's been a van driver who i think has got three points and a a fine for having the most untidy uh car interior van interior i suppose that has been seen on the internet ever and the police put up a picture of it it is disgusting it's really gross for many years i've done some jokes about how once i took my wife and kids to the swimming pool and on the way back

the day after this is the day after i imposed a car rule of no eating in the car you actually drop your kids off at the swimming pool no we went literally we Literally. Oh, right. We all went swimming. I didn't think anyone actually did that. I see what you're doing there. I'm going to move on. But no, we went swimming and on the way back my wife tried to give the kids a croissant each during a short journey. I mean, that is one of the messiest car foods I can imagine.

What next? Baklava? Good point, good point. Very sweet, isn't it? Baklava. Oh. Oh. I mean, it's as my son would call it, lish,

which is his abbreviation for delicious. And it's always presented rather sort of amateurishly, which I like. You say, Frank, how you feel. It's in a fruiterous sort of plastic container. It always looks as well like it was better when it started out on its journey. That's the general look of baklava, I would say. I've never feel I've seen it at its peak. People used to get broken biscuits in shops.

Oh, yeah. There's an element of that about it. Oh, what a shame. Well, I'll eat it, but what a shame. Yeah. And the, I don't know, the green pistachio sprinkle.

Could have lived without it. Oh, I like that. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh. You're right,

I'd forgotten about that altogether. It just feels like a sort of afterthought in the kitchens. Yeah, but it's a signature, a signature sprinkle, which I think is what dogs call it.

We're talking about Britain's messiest van. Britain's messiest van, yes. And they called it Footwell Chaos. You know, one thing that I did enjoy about, just like I enjoyed the word protocol this morning on the front of one of the papers, I'd forgotten that that was called the footwell. Me too. Oh, right.

And I enjoyed being reminded of it. It's one of those words only police use. Footwell? Well, I'm not saying... I bet Al uses it. I use it. I knew it. Probably 18 times a week. Can we go through, I mean not saying... I bet Al uses it. I use it. I knew it. Probably 18 times a week. Can we go through... I mean, the footwell chaos was sort of like an ecosystem

constructed entirely of fast food. It was what I imagine Donald Trump's bin to look like. Yeah. There were McDonald's. Lots of McDonald's. Discard a drappers. Gregg's. Quavers.

I saw that distinctive yellow packet. Can't miss it. Several packs of Siggy's. Lots of McDonald's. Discarded wrappers. Gregg's. Quavers. I saw that distinctive yellow packet. Can't miss it. Several packs of Siggy's. Some cans, discarded cans. Yeah, I've got to tell you, well, let me give you an example. I remember giving a guy a lift once, and when he got in the car, he said to me,

you should get a grant from the council for carrying this watch, Robin. And I've always, my car has always been a bit unlaundered. Okay. And since I've had a kid, the backs,

I actually took a photo on the strength of this thing, which I'll put on Instagram, but I'll show you. It's... You're so visual today. Yeah, and I have... This is not one of those where I've set it up. It's not like the...

Was it the Civil War corpse photo when the bloke moved some of the dead bodies about for composition? Oh, yeah. Decomposition, more like. Hey! What do you say? There you go, there's my back seat. We'll put that on the thing.

Do you want to see a picture of my back seat? Da-da-da-da-da-da! Is the punchline that you've only got a two-seater car? What is it? Yeah.

Is this going to be a junk in the trunk? Reference. That's messy though. I thought you were reading out a text from Jack Grealish. Oh dear. Oh, I need to find my back seat. I, um...

There it is. I know. Well, I'll put this on it. I'll tell you what's on it. What I'm saying is, is it so bad to have a lot of rubbish in your car? Well, I'll put this on it. I'll tell you what's wrong. What I'm saying is, is it so bad to have a lot of rubbish in your

car? Well, the argument against this particular individual is that it's on the driver's side footwell and some of the litter might

even get under the pedals. Yeah, under the pedals, I'd say. Under the pedals is a problem. I can see that's a problem.

It's a problem. Whenever Al talks about anything to do with cars, Frank, he sounds so like the man who did my driver's awareness course. OK? I think that will be my next performing career, actually.

Once I rinse all the jokes. You're right, there is a difference in the tone of the voice, isn't there? Yes, he sounds... No, no, it goes a little bit more like that. I mean, no, because if it goes in the driver's side... It was like when that driver's awareness man said to me, oh, what I call it, Smidsy, sorry, mate, I didn't see you. Oh, wow.

About the cyclist. Al goes a bit Smidsy. I've definitely got this in my game. It's like that police stop action VHS somebody bought me years ago. Do you remember those? They used to show bad driving things. And they started getting celebrities doing the voiceover. But the one I had was when they still used police officers.

Right. And it sailed off quite afternoon in Dagenham High Street until this joker turned up. We've all done a three-point turn. It's a pretty basic procedure. Except for this character. It was tremendous stuff. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I was going to say to Frank, did you see we were talking about Britain's messiest van? Did you see what Thames Valley Police tweeted about it on the socials? They said, a tidy cab equals a tidy mind. Yeah. I see that bit, this is where I have a problem. Over to you, Al. I disagree with that.

No, me too. I don't think it's true. Who wants a tidy mind anyway? Yeah, exactly. And also, I think the police should just stick to enforcing the law and not tell us about their views on mental... Yeah, psychology. Yeah, yeah.

Just put something like, some of this rubbish could have got under the pedals, therefore we've had to give three points of a fine. He's done the voice again. I don't know what this... I don't know what this clown thought he was playing at. Well, this character. I blame that.

Who was that woman who wrote the Tiny Knot book? Marie Kondo. Marie Kondo. Changed the world. Yeah. Well, I think maybe what can happen if you're not careful with someone like that is that someone's personal neurosis, yes, I said neurosis, possibly disorder, becomes spread worldwide. Thank you. That's dangerous. I said neurosis. Possibly disorder becomes spread worldwide.

Thank you. I will say this. All they need is to make her flat really, really hot to get rid of that. Yes. I have sometimes got a bit of a messy car, like the odd sandwich box or crisp wrapper or whatever. Sure. But what I try to do, and I'll pass this on as a life hack oh here we go hold on let's get a pencil and paper okay i've got my pen poised when i leave

the car be it to get fuel or go home i like to take that rubbish with me because you nearly always walk past a bin yeah yeah it's really revelation't it? And what annoys me about this story is this van belongs to a builder who presumably is more often parked next to a skip than not. No, no, but... Oh, you're going to say they'll put litter in a skip. No, I don't think you should. No, of course you don't. You don't do that, do you?

You should only put broken computers and chairs where the seat has come off the metal. And one piece of wood with two nails hanging out of it. Now, what this bloke has done is created rubbish and kept it in his car. Not like those... Look, I saw a couple just pull over, put a used nappy on the side of the pavement and then drive off again. I know, but Ray was desperate. This bloke is looking after his own rubbish.

Respect to Mondo. Yeah, I'm split on this because twice recently I've seen people throw litter out of their car near my home and I don't think I can put a percentage on my rage. It's over 100 for sure. I know, but I also think this obsession with tidiness, I mean, I think there is something to be said for, no, I'm sorry,

I think that driver is probably a creative, fascinating man. I mean, I can't imagine Van Goff saying... I don't want that from a builder, by the way. I just can't imagine Van Goff saying, could you give a vacuum to the old, I mean, he doesn't have a car, but some sort of

Alton carriage. Well, you would defend him with your filthy old house. People in there trying to rescue him from rodents and vermin. Goodness, and he's boiling. That's what it needs. I know. I feel defensive with my pest problem. There was someone who also said about it, Frank, well, I'll never

criticise the state of my wife's car again. Oh. Yeah, but I didn't think they had Instagram in the 1970s. That's like, you know those letters where they said it was sent during World War I, it's just arrived, blah, blah, blah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just going to say, Paul Doctor has been in touch. He sounds like you'd get on with him. OK. Because you like all things Doctor related. Frank, I need that clip of The Loneliest Boy. Do you have it available? The Loneliest Man. He calls it The Loneliest Boy.

Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. I'm playing this for Alan's mouse. Currently in a Byronic ruffled shirt. Exactly. Hopefully he's currently in a humane trap that's by the fireplace. Oh, we're all in the humane trap trap let's face it. Good point. I like it when the show tiptoes into philosophy. There'll be more relationship counselling

from Frank Skinner tomorrow night on Radio 4. And now a book at bedtime. Meanwhile, over in Paul Doctor land, he needed that clip of the loneliest man because he really wants, he says, I really want to come to your show up here in Glasgow in the autumn. None of my friends are coming with me, weirdos.

What's the etiquette for attending stand up solo? Frank Skinner. Well, the first and perhaps the most important aspect is. Can I say Frank's show is called Show Business, by the way, and it's marvellous. Show Biz, I apologise. I think the first thing etiquette-wise is that you don't tell

the comedian you're going to see that you've scoured your friendship network and can't find anyone who wants to come. That was your first mistake. Okay. Secondly, I go to stand-up on my own.

I went to see Mr Alan Cochran on his own. He sounds great. On my own recently. He's brilliant. Yeah, I don't think it matters. In fact, sometimes you can be thinking, oh, God, are they liking it and stuff like that. It's a bit of a...

Yeah. A great many obviously I wouldn't not want to be with my dear Kath but you know often when I go to things Jane Austen character

I do like you know you know you know when you go to something you can stay as long as you like and yeah and you don't have to pretend.

So I think in many ways it's a good idea to go. And I'm not saying that just to sell those annoying singles that you get left at the end of the gig. See, that's another way of reframing it for this character that's texted. He's gone into driving mode. There might be some single tickets that the artist wants rid of. Yeah, quite. Like, he could be doing a favour for the box office.

The artist formerly known as Ladd. Yeah. As new Ladd. Also, I've had lots and lots of correspondence of people going to my gigs on their own and then meeting someone else turned out to be the love of their life. That's nice.

Well, may I suggest... Yeah, I made it up. Sam's made it up. They need to do... The good thing about the Edinburgh Festival is you get very into that mode. Once you're at a comedy festival, you start off a bit tentative, a bit shy,

and then all your pride goes out the window. You turn into the loneliest man or woman in the world. You go to everything when you earn. Maybe don't sit right on the front row because then it will become conspicuous. But if you're feeling self-conscious and you're attending a comedy gig alone, I would suggest one way of making yourself

feel less noticeably alone is just add a lanyard as if you work in the industry and you're meant to be there. That's a good idea. Top tip. Also, worth asking yourself, what's so terrifying about your own company? Oh, don't think about that for too long.

It's not like... If I put you into a tailspin, you might not grow up. It's OK. I sometimes wish everyone came on the ride and they wouldn't sit there rattling. Eh? So, um... Wow.

Yeah, I, uh... Meanwhile I back in the meanwhile back in the van I think it's I think it's alright okay I do as well I respect people I've been to

the only and the good thing about seeing a comedian when I went and saw Al he was on for an hour I went home if you go to the theatre on your own

and there's an interval that's when you feel like a Nelly Bing Bong. When you're just sitting in the interval. You know what I mean? There's an Edward Hopper painting of someone. You know, his paintings are all often about loneliness. Someone's sitting in an empty theatre during the interval.

That would never happen in your gigs, Frank. Well, usually people have met the love of their life that he made up never happen in your gigs, Frank. Um, well... Because usually people have met the love of their life that he made up a moment ago. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I don't know, I met a few people who... I'm telling you, I'm sorry, I'm speed dating.

Oh, God. Yeah, they're speed dating and they're speed dating. Oh, no. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. It did make me wonder if this chap who's been driving the van with all the litter in it, he got three points on a fine because of the danger of the litter going under the pedals. But I think we might be overlooking the advantage of the litter going over the pedals. if he's got short legs like seven or eight

drink cans squashed oh it's an unreliable braking mechanism like cruise control if he puts enough litter on there couldn't it i remember in the old day when people used to always tell you things about you could put a brick on there i don't know if this still happens people always had when i was a kid people always had stories about cars when I got into my teens. Oh, yeah. Like, if you get the revs right, you never need to use the clutch. Oh, yeah. You can hear it, you can hear it, you know, when you're talking.

And cruise control, people used to tell me about having a plank of wood across the pedals. Cruise control, I only ever see in a headline in a Sunday supplement in an article about Tom Cruise. It's the only time I ever see that phrase. It's like my, frankly speaking, interview headline. I'll tell you what, I had to look in my car to take that photo and also to see what I'd got. And in the door flap, my side, the driver's side,

there's a coaster. Oh, yeah. Not something you use that often in a car. No. You do. Unless you're a very, very careful driver. Yeah. Coaster in my door flap, I know, I know.

I liked one of the... Sorry, were you... Did you want to continue? Have I interrupted you, my darling? No, no. I also found a plastic bracket. Now, I've got plastic brackets in the house. Brackets generally.

You know what you find? It's a generic term, but you find what you can only describe as a bracket. You don't know where it's come from or what it fits, but you just keep it. I've got about six in the house. You've got a lot of unhung pictures. I don't want to throw away that bracket.

No. But I don't know what they're even for. Is it a shelf bracket? You don't know. Who knows? It's just a bracket. No, I think people leave brackets in the house as a sort of a... The way people are used to have religious like, religious things on the walls. Stuff like that.

It never did anything. That's my theory. The van man... I mean, he's not there, but the Britain's Messiest Van, someone else commented, at least he didn't get a fine for littering, hashtag Meals on Wheels. And it occurred to me, that's not a phrase I've

heard in a while. Meals on Wheels? It seems like a 70s concept. It used to be, I'm afraid, we used it as a bit of a term of abuse at school, if someone did something that made them seem slightly out of touch. You can say, oh, alright, Meals on Wheels. But is that still going as a service?

I think it is. It'll be called something else. How marvellous. I'm pretty sure we'll get emails this week saying Meals on Wheels is still going. Yeah,? I think it is. It'll be called something else. How marvellous. I'm pretty sure we'll get emails this week saying Meals on Wheels is still going. Yeah, I'm sure it still exists, but I would say that it's got the word community in it. Oh, you're so right. That's, I'm confident. Well, Quentin Crispical said that if you never ever tidy your flat, after four years, it never gets any dirtier.

Right. So you never dust or anything. I'd like to see the science behind that. Yeah. As he said, it's just a question of keeping your nerve. But I met someone who interviewed Quentin Crisp at his... Abode. In his house, I think, on the Lower East Side.

It was very Greenwich Village. In New York, I think. And she said it was just a pile of rubbish, the flat, mainly, and they sat there to sit on the bed. And she said she could hear scurrying going on. That'll be your mate, the loneliest mouse in the world. So it's difficult. Well, maybe you just need to

allow yourself to feel the lack of control. It's the... Tidying is, you know, they call it the paradox of control, don't they? Do they? Yeah, you're attempting

to try and write something which you can never really keep on top of, trying to keep your house like a hotel. OK. Good point. Thank you.

Well, I think too much space can make you feel desolate. That's my... Hence... And I think Ofsted backed this up with their report that one of the trouble areas for education is white working-class children in seaside towns. One of the worst performers. You think it's that they've got too much space around them?

Someone told me it's because they can see the horizon and the sense of everything must end and there's no point in really trying. How are you doing there in Bridlington? Strange end to a wide-ranging show. It was, yeah. I think it's fair to say. It's a different kind of an ending.

But, you know, it is summer holiday time. So, anyway, thanks so much for listening. It's a good Lord Spares Us and the Creeks Don't Rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio.