The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Frankencrew

Episode Date: November 25, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's been the week of the budget and the Chancellor did some of his best material, Frank Emily and Alun discuss how his jokes went down. Also this week the team talk about Frank's childish virus and a passive aggressive note.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, Frank. Morning, Peter. Morning, Jim. Morning, everyone.

I did my trawl, Frank. Frank? Morning Peter. Morning Jim. Morning everyone. I did my trawl, Frank. You know I like to look through the texts and emails. Yeah, it's very good of you. I know. Well, you know, something to do, isn't it? I like to show my worth somehow. Oh, you don't need to do that, my friend. We've had an email last

night, whatever happened to, the thing that we do on the show. Do you want the jingle? If you want. Yeah. Go on. the thing that we do on the show. Do you want the jingle? If you want. Go on. Come on. Let's make the effort. As we need to go on. I like this. It's got a bit of nostalgia to it. Oh no, you're supposed to say it then. He pointed at Alan.

Let's try that again. So it's whatever happened to and it's instead of saying. It's quite long though. It's quite a long description. We've lost the moment now. That's okay. You can make it work. We've got faith in you. Okay's okay. You can make it work. We've got faith in you. Okay, let's have a go at it. Okay, let's just hang up. That ladylike manoeuvre women used to do

to mount a push bike. It goes something like this. Oh, yes. While on left side of bike frame and left foot on left pedal, she pushes off with right leg. Bike is now in motion, so she slips right leg through frame and then sits on left pedal, she pushes off with right leg. Bike is now in motion, so she slips right leg through frame

and then sits on saddle. That's why they don't have a crossbar. Exactly. Yes. I'll tell you what I haven't seen. People used to put one, the left foot on the pedal, if they're on the left side, and then they'd put their back leg out really straight

and go along for a few. I know that one, the dragging foot. Yeah, but really like a point attack. Almost like a yoga pose. Yeah. Can I just stop the show for a few. I know that one, the dragging foot. Yeah, but really like a point attack. Almost like a yoga pose. Yeah. Can I just stop the show for a second? It just taught me how remarkable it is. There is a dog called a pointer that points at stuff.

A dog. A dog. Regardless of whatever press, in my opinion, not necessarily the most intelligent of animals. How dare you? Forgive me, Emily. I know, I'll let you off. But to point at where dead stuff has landed, I mean, that's incredible.

What about the boxer? What about it? Well, they box. They box? Yeah, their paws. That's why they were so called. Is it? They box. It's like when they get both their front paws up, it's like in a boxing motion. Well, hush my mouth.

Never knew that. I never knew that. I thought it was because they've got faces like boxers all smashed up and flattened. They've got boxers' faces and paws. How strange. I'll pass on your regards to the Eubanks when I see them. And also because their tail

gives them no privacy at the rear whatsoever. I thought it was because they look a bit like a tissue box. Right. I thought they were called boxers. Well, you've thought about it a lot. I have. Just not in the right way, it turns out. Yeah.

Well, I used to have one that used to stand at the side of my bed in the morning, do a headstand to a boxer, because we didn't have egg cups. morning do a headstand to a boxer because we didn't have egg cups. But anyway, can I also stop the show to say I've seen a thing this morning which has filled me with despair.

What is it? I'll admit I'm a stranger to despair. I'm building this up. But poor Colleen Rooney, hasn't she been through enough just lately? Oh, this was bad. She's on the cover of the mirror with a bogey in the right barrel.

We don't know if it's... Oh, come on, it better be a bogey or she's finished. It is a bit bat in the cave. Oh, it's so... It's a bat and it's a fruit bat. It's a big old bat. Yeah.

Oh, nuts. They could have took that out, a bit of felt pen in post. It might be a printing error. Oh, come on. I am afraid I was a little bit... Just the way it's sitting, I know it's the real thing.

I suspected malice. As you say, it could be taken out in post, but it also could have been added in post. She might not have added it. Nobody would dare in this day and age, add a bogey to the front page of a popular

tabloid. I hope it's a real bogey. Their career would be in ruins. I was genuinely, I wanted to hog her, sort of metaphorically, obviously. After she'd wiped. Can I make it absolutely clear, I didn't want to hog her. I've got to be so careful, Geoff.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So it's been a big moment for me this week. The West Bromwich album manager was dismissed. That's right.

You used to call him that bloke, didn't you? No, we are the ship without the captain. Rudderless, are you? Rudderless, yeah. How are you feeling about it, Frank? Well, Robert Mugabe is on the market. I think it might be nicer

to bring in a gentler regime. Yeah. So that would be my vote. But I haven't even seen him in the betting, can you believe it? I suppose it's an age thing. Yeah. So that would be my vote. But I haven't even seen him in the betting. Can you believe? I suppose it's an age thing. Yeah. But Roy Hodgson, I mean, he can't be that much younger than Big Bob.

I think he's a wild... I think he probably is quite a bit younger, yeah. How old is Big Bob these days? 92. I think he might be 93 now. Yeah. How old is Big Bob these days? 92. I think he might be 93 now. Yeah. But I think he still keeps an eye on the prem. It's not like he's lost touch.

And I think he'd have the wife in as assistant, Grace. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, she's known as safe in Grace because she's kept a few teams up, apparently, over the years, brought in at the last minute. Just my tip, Adrian Charles went on and picked Martin O'Neill and Roy Keane on the radio. You know what I'm putting in?

My A-Penneth. Oh, yeah. You know, when you put your A-Penneth in. I know all about that, yeah. So, my A-P APL is officially in. I haven't said that for a few years. I'm very relieved to hear it. It's my kind of pillar talk.

I'll tell you what happened to me. Do you remember, think back, of stories from my life? I recently, I bought a Hopalong Cassidy watch. Do you remember that? Yes, I do. I paid... In a presentation, lovely presentation arrangement. No, it wasn't in that.

You didn't get the arrangement. Someone sent in the point that you can get those. But thanks for bringing that up. Anyway, it's broke now. But anyway... The watches. The watches didn't... I had a little bit of... Anyway, so I bought that because when I was at school, I really wanted one and couldn't afford one.

And now I can afford one, so I got one. Now you can afford loads of them, I should imagine. Yeah, but I've once bitten. You're right, yeah, yeah. That's what I say about wristwatches. Anyway, so I did that. And I also bought a satchel. Oh, lovely. I've seen that. Yeah. Nice I also bought a satchel. Oh, lovely.

I've seen that. Yeah. Nice. So there's a theme there, I think. Yeah. Sort of, you know, sort of, I never think back to my school days, but somehow I seem to be subconsciously harking back. And this week it came to fruition when I caught hand, foot and mouth disease.

Oh. Goodness me. Yeah, which is very... Now, I know what you're thinking, because if you haven't heard of it, I told David Baddiel I'd got hand, foot and mouth disease. And what does he say? Well, I think he thought I meant what the cattle get.

Oh, yeah. Because I think a lot of people, that's the most famous... Oh, I've got to be honest, I would have thought that as well. Yes, I don't think for a second I'm destined for the pyre. No. I'm not, no. It's much less... And also, do they even have feet?

I suppose they do. They don't have hands. Yeah. Hoof and mouth, is that what it's called in that world? Come on, watch your language. Any farmers, text in. No, genuinely, do text in. It's called foot and mouth.

I like a farmer. But this is called hand, foot and mouth, and it's like a kid, it's a kid's disease. Right. Really, it's the big three for me now. Opelon, Cassidy, watch the satchel and hand, foot and mouth. I say hand, foot and mouth, I think it could be called hand, foot and mouth,

open brackets, private parts and buttocks, close brackets. Oh, really? But I mean, I don't, you know, I'm just giving you the full itiner buttocks, close brackets. But I mean, I don't, you know, I'm just giving you the full itinerary. Oh, don't. Okay. I'm fine with it. Are you? But it's a bit like heads and shoulders, knees and toes.

Is it itchy? It was, I tell you what, my hands felt like I'd plunged them into nettles and then rubbed the nettles around the insides and tips of my fingers. Oh, fine. I'm sorry if anyone finds this, but there'll be people now with kids out there who've got it. Yeah. But it was really funny having a kid's disease. Got a bit of a snigger from the doctor. Oh, don't want that, do you?

No. What next, croup, I hear you say? What's it going to be next, Frank? People be saying this in the street. Oi, Frank! What are you going to have next?

Croup? Have I got to live with that now for weeks? I think so. If I get that, I'll have to have croup therapy.

Oh, you got there. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Is it a bit early in the proceedings got there absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio is it a bit early in the proceedings to do another whatever happened to no go on chuck them in okay great this is from hennes from gravesend one of our regulars hi frank

and the gang whatever happened to describing someone as a bit of a card? Oh, that was... Blimey. I thought that was it. I thought that was all it. That was all over. I was going to say, I was just about to say, no, that's still going. Yeah, definitely.

That would have been a stop the show moment. A bit of a stop my heart moment for different reasons bit of a card bit of a card do you remember that yeah one of my favourite films of all time

is called The Card with Alec Guinness and people say to him on a few occasions you're a bit of a card aren't you Mr Machen and he says am I and I love do you remember on New says, am I? And I love, love. Do you remember on New Year's Eve, I told you, I was on my own on New Year's Eve.

I went out onto the balcony and whistled the theme tune from the card. So I find it very uplifting. I'd forgotten that detail. Oh, well, think back. Think back, son. So, yeah, you don't hear it much now. Well, the response was always, I'll deal with you later. Oh, I forgot that.

Yes. I didn't know that. That's one of those folklore jokes. Like, if somebody sits in a chair in a group and they've slightly got their back to you, you say, oh, nice to see you back. Remember that one? Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Very popular in its day. Now, almost forgotten. Do you remember people used to say when somebody said, do you mind, in a sort of contemptuous way, they'd go, no, I babysit. Well, I don't know that one. Do you mind? Do you know, I've never heard that.

I'm going to start using it. I love it. Can I say, there's definitely, that's one of Al's that didn't quite work in his act. He's no suggesting it. It's a thing my mum said all through my childhood. He's no blaming it on

the Volk. Really not. I've never heard that before. Maybe it's just my mum. Okay. I'll ask her.

I like that, just my mum then. Yeah, yeah. That's a new take on it. I got, I texted my

partner. Oh yeah. I got... I texted my... Texties. My partner. Oh, yeah. What a modern phrase. I don't know what else to call her. Frank's a detective. I can't really say girlfriend at my age.

Oh, I see that partner. I thought you were talking about your detective career. I like that. You mean my much sort of more... Skinner and Mason. ...light-hearted younger partner. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Who brings a bit Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Who brings a bit of gusto and... Yeah. Yeah, and now not him. I can't. I have enough of him at work. I can't put up with him in my leisure time. So you texted Kath. Yeah, and it was a thing, just saying,

I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to work later than I thought. I'm not having an affair. No, but that's quite a 70s text. I'm going to have to work later than I thought, and I'm really sorry, but I'll be blah, blah, blah. And Kath sent a text back and said, no kiss kiss question mark and then

put a kiss on it now that's a master stroke isn't it? I felt I'd gone that was the first two kicks of a penalty shooter and I was a goal down already I thought that was a, it's such such a minefield

How did you respond to that? I found her up and told her I was sorry about the kissing, not to read anything into it. Okay. I loved her very much. Even more suspicious. Working late. Yeah, exactly.

And there was a chink of glasses in the background. Turning up with garage files. Come on, Frank, Come back to the party! I'm just, I don't know who that was. It was... I like your affair with Barbara Windsor.

That's the last time I had an affair. Not with Barbara Windsor, can I point out, but with someone from that era. Carry on affair. Barbara Windsor,

now, of course, is absolutely in my catchment area. Is she? Age-wise, yeah. Totally. I thought you meant she lived in your postcode. Also, if I was going to have an affair,

I don't think I'd want to get two bosses. It's got to be somewhere fairly local. I know the old saying about your own doorstep, but, you know, when your knees start to go, you just have to risk it. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I think we've had

a text vindicating me. I was so happy for you when I saw that text. Morning Frank, Alan and Em. I'm with Alan about the do you mind no I babysit. We used it all through Alan and Em. I'm with Alan about the, excuse me, do you mind, no, I babysit. We used it all through my school years. Maybe it's a northern thing from Lisa,

a long-time reader of the show. But what does it mean? Well, child-minding is one thing. Come on, Frank. Is that different from babysitting? Yeah. But it's not really, I mean, it's one of those jokes that doesn't really

bear up to that much scrutiny. You're right. So many do. Oh, come on. H is going to hate. What would life be if you can't scrutinise jokes? Okay. Well, I've never heard it before, but you know, there must be loads of things I've never heard before. Text them in. 8, 12, 15.

Things I've never heard before. If you hear something Frank hasn't heard before. Yes. Well, it wasn't as well known as you're a card, I'll deal with you later. No, that was one of the classics. But what a...

Well, no, anyway. I've never heard anyone say text two to tango for a long time, which I know isn't a joke, but it used to be a thing that I used to hear people sitting behind me on the bus say.

You hear that a lot. You know what they say, text two to tango. Well, it's old elderly ladies giving relationship advice. Yeah. Never a good idea. I suppose we're strictly, when they have the group tango, it's finished that phrase off. Yeah.

So many things that used to be. Okay. I'll be straight with you. I'll be. Stop the show. I was on the verge, I was on the verge of buying some mistletoe this week in preparation for Christmas.

And then I thought, in the current climate... No. Well, in the current studio, no thank you. I think it's... You know what? I think it's finished.

Mistletoe? Is it over? I think, I think, no, it's gone. I mean, just think about it. I think you're right. Career threatening. There'll be no mistletoe in our house

over my dead body, Geoffrey. No, I don't. Honestly, it's got, it's finished. That's where Catherine will be holding the mistletoe. It's finished. The age of the mistletoe millionaire is long behind us, I think. Well, I think it's a bit odd,

haven't people have it above their door? I mean, come on. I used to thread it through my belt buckle. I didn't. I didn't! Okay, that's finished. I didn't. That's finished.

That's not happening anymore. Don't do that this year. Honestly, I think it is the end of mistletoe. Okay. I suppose it's a good thing. Well, it certainly it is the end of mistletoe. Okay. I suppose it's a good thing. Well, it certainly is with your hand,

foot and mouth disease. It's a lot of spare mistletoe though. We need to find a recipe that it uses or something. I was working with Sandy Toksvig this week

and she came towards me in hogging mode and I said, Sandy, I've got a bit of a verrous. Yeah. I've got a verrous.

Did she have a colourful bomber on? Because she likes a colourful bomber. No, I don't remember. Okay, I love her. I'm just saying, I'm a big fan. Yeah, and she said, do you know what, I'll risk it for you, darling, and gave me a lovely hug,

but I did feel a bit guilty. Perhaps I should have named the verrous. Maybe, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I mean, her mouth and her feet are much closer than mine. It's spread like wildfire. But I'm hoping that she's had it in the past.

Well, don't give Dennis Wise a hug when he comes out the jungle. He'll be all over him. My doctor told me I had a textbook. She said, your symptoms are absolutely textbook. And. My doctor told me I had a textbook. She said, your symptoms are absolutely textbook. And do you know what? I got a little,

just a little prickle of pride. I feel good about that. Yeah, I do. Swat. I don't think I've ever had textbook symptoms for anything before in my life.

And at this late stage, when I thought that chance was behind me, I get textbook foot and mouth, not foot and mouth, hand, foot and mouth, they foot and mouth, is this? Yeah.

See? Never stop reaching for perfection. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we've had people texting in with little phrases. For example, do you remember from school, this is from 999. Oh, haven't you got other things to be doing? It's always quite quiet on a Saturday morning.

Oh, yeah. The lull after the storm. Yeah. Now Merz is off the text. What are you looking at? Dunno, the label's fallen off. Oh, yes. Remember that one, Frank?

That was, yeah, that was a good one. Yeah, yes. Remember that one, Frank? Yeah, that was a good one. Yeah. I might use that again. Really? I think I've modernised the word label. Oh, I'm stuck with it. Name badge? Don't do name badge.

The name badge has fallen off. Yeah. I don't think it works. If you could try it, maybe. Let's workshop it. So, Yubi, what are you looking at, Frank? What are you looking at? Don't know the name, but I've just fallen off.

No. I think it would work at a conference. Right. Although I think there's a zing in it. I don't know, your laminates are the wrong way round. Can I just say, without wishing to over-direct, Al sounded somewhat reluctant. He sounded a bit of a grudge response.

That's because he went to drama school. He doesn't like to do it unpaid. No, I was acting out the retention moment where the person was trying to remember their put-down. Oh, yeah. That's why I was acting out. Were you pointing out the difference between the comedian's comedy reflex

and that of the ordinary person? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you just give them a break? You know what you were trying to be? You only alienate people. You were trying to channel the normies. The normies, the normals. Yeah, you were trying to channel a normie.

No, but look, can I say... I'm a normie. Are you? Yeah. Are you, though? Do you believe that? OK, mudblood, maybe. Joe from Chingford has texted,

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, As a teacher of small children, you now have a range of diseases to look forward to. Slap face, a rash which looks like you have been slapped. Good heavens. Now, one of my children has had that. It is amazing. Yeah, tell social services, Alan.

And ringworm, I've had that. It is amazing. Yeah, tell social services, Anna. And ringworm, I've had that, which is not a word that is similar to athlete's foot. Ringworm, measuring the marigolds. You've got all those to look forward to. Measuring the large intestine. Bob in Sheffield. Yes, I have done that. Last bonfire night

Bob in Sheffield That's my name, don't wear it out Oh yes, that's a good one When you said Bob in Sheffield I thought that was a headline that Mugabe was on his way to the West Brom interview He's coming from the north like a mighty army

I imagine his entourage has shrunken quite considerably. I would think. In fact, they turned on him. Yeah. Well, there'll still be some loyal retainers, I should think. At your age, not your shoe size. Oh, yes. That's a no.

Yes. I used to say my shoe size is 36. Oh, did you? Because I wear French. Oh, nice. It didn't go well. Yeah. Yeah. That's mine, nice. It didn't go well. Yeah. Yeah.

That's mine, Sam. What is mine now? 43 Continental. Continental. That's what they call it, isn't it? I used to like that. I used to feel very debonair when I said what they say, what size. And I'd say I'm 43 Continental, actually.

Maybe I'll try on a negligee. Do you have a gilet I could do? You don't hear continental much anymore. No, it's gone. Continental sizes. I mean, we still do their breakfasts, don't we? I like the suggestion also. It sort of suggests that Europe

is the only continent, doesn't it? Yeah, continental. When you say continental, you don't think like Africa, do you? Like your African shoes. You don't think about your African shoes. You think about a delicate French slip-on. I don't know if I've asked you this before, but it's been plaguing me as winter comes upon us.

A lovely day like this, I've asked you this before, but it's been plaguing me as winter comes upon us. Oh, yeah. A lovely day like this, when I look out of the window here at Golden Square in London, a large conurbation in the south-east of England. Lovely day. And it's a blue, blue sky, but bitter. It's bitter outside. It's chilly, yeah. Bitter.

Okay. It's not as bad as you make it out, but it is cold. It's not bad out. Is it cold enough to snow? No If it snowed today would we get a snow bow? A what? A snow bow

The rainbow as a direct result of the snow I don't think I've ever seen a snow bow You know when you get a rain, you get a rainbow Yeah, I've seen a rainbow I know a think I've ever seen a snow bow. You know when you get a rain, you get a rainbow. Yeah, I've seen a rainbow. So if it snowed on a sunny day... I know a Sue bow. Yeah?

But I don't know a snow bow. I know about Bojo, but I don't know about a snow bow. Is this a thing? Well, I'm wondering if... Oh, I see. Oh, I thought it was a thing and you were just missing it. Oh, look, when am I going to bring a thing to the party? I'm bringing a query to the party.

Oh, okay. Why's that got to laugh? I can't imagine. I can imagine, but I'm avoiding it. Another question. I was thinking about, we know when you've been ill, you think about your body a lot

and the way it changes as you get older. Oh, yeah. All that. And I was... I put deodorant on my armpits. Yeah. On my... Yeah.

I don't know. I'm not ashamed of that. That's fine, yeah. Not judging. No. I'm really glad that you do that. And it's because it's a fold. I'm not ashamed of that. That's fine, yeah. Not judging. No. I'm really glad that you do that. And it's because it's a fold. It's quite a big fold.

It's one of my biggest folds. What is? Under your arm? Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's a folded area. Yeah. And because it's folded,

and, you know, that's where, that's then sweat's going to gather there. Yeah. And let's get it out. Yeah. Yeah. It occurred to me as I was thinking about the whole structure of me. Yeah.

Just you. The backs of my knees is a remarkably similar area. Indeed. It's the other big fold in me. Is it the only other big one? No, no. It is the only other big fold, I would say. It is.

I think you're right on that scale. And trust me, now that's more of a pleat. Yeah, yeah. And I'm thinking, should I be... Putting deodorant on the backs of your knees? The backs of my knees must stink, that's what I'm thinking. Are you done? No.

You're done deodorising the back of your knees? No. Hang on, everybody else does, frankly. Oh, you are having what I believe is known as a laugh. No, I don't. We all do. I trip my body like I trip my fridge. I don't really care what's going on at the back there.

Do you know what I mean? And I'm thinking, should I be deodorising? Let me call them my leg pits. Are you all right? Well, there might be people out there who really do it. Who? Well, 8.12.15. We shall see what we shall see.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text the show at 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website, don't you know? I love don't you know. Very Woodhouse-ian.

We've been talking about phrases much like don't you know that you don't hear so often these days. When someone trips on a paving slab, this is from 180... Did you enjoy your trip? Oh. They've got send me a postcard. Oh.

I don't know. Send me a postcard. I don't know that one. And he has got enjoy your trip as well. Yeah. In parentheses. People don't do so much. People don't say that.

And also people don't send postcards so much anymore. And people don't trip much anymore. Well, now it's a health and safety nightmare if they trip. They've probably levelled it, haven't they? I've had a few. Yeah, I know you have. Smell it. Smell it on you. Yeah, that's a good one, now, to enjoy your trip.

We've also had some informative messages, Frank. Yeah. No, Frank, no stinky pits on backs of knees, as they don't have glands like armpits so you don't you don't really need to deodorize the back of the knees so it's my glands it's your glands the sweat glands and also uh somebody else has pointed out i think deodor i don't think deodorizing one's leg pits is entirely necessary frank as they are mostly in the open position as opposed to one's armpits which are mostly closed

That's obviously an atheist For us Catholics Unless you spend a lot of time in the kneeling position perhaps Buddhist monks should give this one some thought Oh yeah, go straight to the east Let's look after our own boys in the western religions

I mean It was a joke. 036, Frank. That's the career goal. I thought I'd dodged a bullet not by the mistletoe, but now I've walked into another car coming in the opposite direction. 036, what about, and all that malarkey, a fine phrase covering a collective of activities of a type.

Yes, malarkey. I'm afraid an all that malarkey is still alive and well in the Cochrane family. I think that's still going. I think I still use malarkey. Okay. And it's good. Yeah. On the mistletoe front.

Oh, yeah. In my mistletoe is oh yeah in my mistletoe is dead yes mistletoe's over still worried about it aren't you still worried

well I just really I I would encourage people not to buy it this year because mainly because it's very naff

oh yeah but I just think it's going to lead to misunderstandings yeah what about how would you feel

this Christmas if you just say say if you'd just say say if you'd just used all your life savings to invest in the in the popular board game

Twister. That's finished. That's finished. You can't play it. You can't play Twister now. What about when I played Twister with Richard Whiteley?

Well here we go here we go now. Twice night with White played Twister with Richard Whiteley? Well, here we go. Here we go now. Twice nightly Whiteley. I'm afraid it's too late. It's too late to pull that one out the back. Twice nightly Whiteley. I did. And do you know what?

He was super respectful. Was he? Yeah. That terrible moment when you trod on his tie. Tiny little feet though. Really handy for Twister. He was great. Tiny little toes on Really handy Useful for Twister Great tiny little toes on the red circle Is that right?

Like a dog in socks Oh I hate a dog in socks Lovely man I miss the on linoleum the click of a dog nail That was Shep's sound wasn't it That's a lovely story though Twister with Richard Whiteley.

It really is. I think I've played Twister with some celebrities, but I think they were all male. Oh. Can I just... It's now the time. Yeah. They are, anyway, in the current version of the story.

So, Frank, previously on Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, we've given a review of the budget. Do you remember when we did that once? Did we really? Yeah, it was our little take on it. We discussed the budget. I mean, it was unconventional at best. No, I don't remember that.

Was this BC before Cockerell? Before our jokes? Oh. Well, it's fine. That's like when that ex-boyfriend of mine said, what about when we went to see Bulletproof Monk? I said, I've never seen that film. I have never seen that film.

No, I've done that with Kath a few times. Oh, we saw that. Didn't we go, no? Yeah. I've got... I always say this, I say, oh, no, it must have been another one of your girlfriends. Yes, Kath says that as well.

Oh, well taught. Yeah. Anyway. Perhaps it's a phrase, like... Enjoy your trip. Philip Hammond, he did a few little funnies. Oh, did he ever? In the budget speech.

I think there were six or seven jokes in total. Yeah. He did more of a set than a budget speech. He had a stormer. Do you think he stormed it? Well, I wanted to ask the comedian's, comic, sorry, the comic's opinions of this. I think he did great.

Well, it's all relative, this stuff. And I think by House of Commons standards, he absolutely ripped the place apart. OK. Totally. Wow. Because comedy's thin on the ground in the House of Commons, I think it's true to say.

It was always said that the best joke that had ever been done in recent times was when Vince Cable said that Gordon Brown went from Joseph Stalin to Mr. B. Right. And that was that absolutely bought the house down. Did it? Yeah.

And as I said at the time, it's only in the House of Commons would that be seen as a moral decline. But yeah, it's not a classic, is it? Well, shall we see what people think of these in case they didn't hear it? I'll tell you what was a good one. Do you remember, I remember

there was a suggestion that I think George Osborne and David Cameron were falling out. And so Ed Miliband decided that this was a weak link that he could take advantage of. So he went in about,

well, obviously you and the Chancellor and all that sort of stuff. And David Cameron said, well, you know, don't get us out of proportion. We don't hate each other. It's not like we're brothers or something. And what was good about it, it was a good retort, but also the camera cuts back, obviously, to Ed Miliband's face. And if you're going to have a put-down,

that is the visual assistance that you need. Because he obviously had nothing at all to combat it. But he had this terrible baby bird looking out of a nest look on his face. And it was like oh no it was defenseless man being oh oh so yeah so some of the jokes let's see what you think he made a reference to the fact that the chancellor apparently normally has a drink that's right yeah that's part of the tradition they mix white wine with water that was a that. Yeah, there was a decanter I noticed. And he said, my predecessor used something a little more exotic.

I'll stick to plain water. Yeah. I'll tell you, that wasn't the pick of the crop. No, but I'm just, I think it's fair to compare that. That was his starter, I'm just saying. It's a weak opener. Then he went in for the big one, which was the cough sweet gag. Oh.

Which was planned. It was a prop, actually. A prop gag. I can't remember a prop gag in the House of Commons before. Now, she ruined it a bit for him, Theresa May. I suppose there was the bit of paper for I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor. It's a prop gag, right.

So that was Devil Chamberlain's prop gag. Prop gag, right. So that was Devil Chamberlain's prop gag. She came out of the traps too quickly, Theresa May. Oh, yeah. Because he made the joke, and obviously it was a callback to her having a coughing fit, and he made some reference to her, you know,

returning the favour with cough sweets, and she produced the cough sweets too early. She was rattling around a bag, and then before he'd finished the punchline, she'd handed the sweets over. It was reminiscent of... I once saw the popular singer Madonna... She's quite popular. ..in a play in the West End at the Wyndham Theatre.

Oh, David Marmot, Speed the Plough. Is that what it was? I can't remember. But I remember there's a bit when she's... I'd seen her previously, just a few weeks previously, I think, live doing that which she does best, and she was spectacular.

But she was, I thought, not as... She's a bit fish out of water in the theatre world. And there was a bit fish out of water in the theatre world. Yeah. And there was a bit where she suddenly started scrambling in her handbag and then her phone rang. And that's always a terrible moment.

Oh, she pre-empted like there was no tomorrow. Yeah. Or she pre-empted like it was tomorrow. And, yes, it was a bit like our timing is everything. I didn't think that, again, I think there is topical comedy

at its worst. It's not comedy, it's just a reference. Yeah. And he didn't do anything with the coffin. No. Okay, however,

Hammond and May, I think that was a quality gag. Yeah. Oh, Hammond. That was his best work. Absolutely. I mean, he had writers in for that.

He must have. Yeah, I wouldn't have minded another, say, ten minutes workshopping on it to get it exactly right. We should say, what was the gag again? Well, look, the fez is on my desk, which means the producer's saying move on. It means you're saying shut up. OK.

I'm trying to keep it all friendly and smooth in here today. So we'll come back. I don't think we should rush the Hammond and May gag. No. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Frank. Yes!

We've been talking about Hammond. Yes! Hammond and May. It's as if this show was hosted by a pterodactyl. Oh, all right, yeah. That's what it'd be like. You wouldn't be able to stand it for a bit. It would be different.

It would last more than a couple of weeks. It'd be different. I just worry. They've got the heating on all the time. You know the bee could keep banging against that every time it turned round. I'll tell you something else. I think it'd confuse the decade stations. You know, absolute 80s. I think, you know, we'd have to turn around. I'll tell you something else. I think it would confuse the decade stations.

You know, absolute 80s. I think, you know, we'd have to go back. I don't know if you're going to go back than that. 2000 years. Can you imagine the heating bills? I think they'd like it hot. Yes. Or is it cold?

I don't know when they slot into the temperature. My knowledge of them is based on those very primitive films. Right. Of course. Yeah. But primitive as in 1968. Yes. And they were picking up a man.

I thought you meant old footage. No, but I've got some of that. Yeah. And they would pick up a man in their little beaks, wouldn't they? Oh, yeah, I do. And carry him through the year. Well, you say little beaks. Which cost the...

Or a lady in a fur bikini. If you stand next to one of those beaks, it's like the Frozen section in Sainsbury's. Great, long... Yeah. It just keeps going. Right. Amazing.

Anyway, this show is not, as you... Yeah. How do we know what they sounded like? We don't. Well, we don't. We don't really know what colour they were, do we? I think that was a guess. Somebody said the other day that they might have feathers.

What? Bring on the feathers. No, it's dinosaurs. Pterodactyls. That's Frank saying, bring on the feathers. Spoil everything if pterodactyls had feathers, wouldn't it? Might have. I don't think they were that showbiz.

What about if their voice was... Ooh. Yeah. Ooh, ooh. I reckon brontosauruses spoke a bit like that. Yeah, you might be right. All right, yeah, yeah. Lovely, gentle characters.

So, anyway. Anyway. Philip Hammond's joke jokes. Yeah, so we made... Return. Can you say what the Hammond May joke was well yes

Jeremy Clarkson oh Jeremy Clarkson Jeremy Clarkson had said that he was nearly killed

in an accident in a driverless car twice I believe yeah yeah I mean I don't know quite what he meant I mean was it an actual driverless car. Twice, I believe, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know quite what he meant. I mean, was it an actual driverless car

or was it just a car with no driver in it? Yeah. The driver had leapt out. Oh, I see. I thought this was a philosophy problem that you were giving us. If a tree falls in the forest. Jeremy was punching him in the face

over and over and over again because he hadn't got any bald sweets in the glove compartment. Yeah. And the left hand of a moving... Now, anyway, so he said he'd been injured in a driverless car. I love that his argument was over a steak. At a time when the government is trying to push through

the whole idea of the driverless car. So he... Philip Hammond said that, you know, it was a pity that he disagreed with him, but he said it wasn't the first time that Jeremy Clarkson had been snubbed by Hammond and May. Can I just say, I think that's great. I mean, there was a big old boom.

Yeah, we should say that Richard Hammond and James May are his normal assistant. They're the one that wear floral Paul Smith shirt, QI shirt, and leather thigh-length jacket. And, of course, bootcut jeans. Yeah, of course. But, for me... I know what's going to happen now.

Are they snubbed? I agree. Like so many jokes that work on the night. I agree. When you actually drill down into it, it's not. I don't think he's ever been snubbed. Oh, I think they've absolutely latched on and bought big houses.

He chose to. Why didn't he say that? Jezza. No, you say what he could have said. Well, I would have said, the Prime Minister and I, you know, we're trying to champion the driverless cars in the interest of, you know, the environment have said. Well, I would have said, the Prime Minister and I, we're trying to champion the driverless cars in the interest of the environment, etc. And then we get this person who knows about cars, who's being critical, and that's a problem.

But it's not the first time that Jeremy Clarkson has made life difficult for Hammond and May. Come on, that's the one. Then you see it's neat, because he made the move to a less watched channel. Longer in the set-up, but it's more effective in the payoff. Well, it's the same. You don't need the set-up. Can I get a shot of you?

It is, though. I mean, it is longer in the set-up, frankly. It isn't longer in the set-up. What was his set-up? I feel so tense, I want to cry. He's just a bit leaner. His set-up was leaner. We couldn't argue. I'm happy to use his set-up. What was it?

Let's have a look. His set-up was something. Well, you're saying it's leaner, you don't know what it is. I know Jeremy Clarkson doesn't like them. Oh, Jeremy Clarkson. I've got to say, Al. It's been good knowing you.

Lean this, lean that. But come on, that's a better joke. It is. I think the payoff is much better. It works on every level. I think there's another down for Philly Hammond on this, isn't there? Oh, yes. We've actually had a text from Ian Angle who has said Jeremy Clarkson has pointed out

that David Cameron did the Hammond and May gag two years ago. Oh my word. I mean I mean He's rumbled, you know he's thought I'm having that The stealing of jokes is never acceptable. If you're taking them from David Cameron

That is really that's a look within yourself moment yeah that's like when you hear of like during the miners strike there was people buying their furniture and giving them really really low prices you know and taking advantage the poo was stealing from the poor yeah it's another example of that. Not often I would have thought that these two are described as the poo-er, but in the world of comedy, I think it's fair to say impoverished. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And I do think, by the way, on the Philip Hammond stealing gate,

let's call it stealing gate. I think he has nicked that joke. Steal gate. Yeah. Yeah. But if you think about it, it is a lot like the comedy circuit because sometimes you see comics and it's all a bit average and then there's one really good one and you think,

that's a bit too good for this act. And that's exactly the case with this Hammond and May joke because we just went through his others and they were all a bit hmm they're alright and this was the best

that was definitely in his defence I am American football player I would it's better than us but the thing is with ponds

and I am a great fan of the pond as you know but I think ponds, and I am a great fan of the pond, as you know, but I think ponds are the jokes that are most likely to be born in separate places rather than copied. Right, yeah. Because once you think Hammond and May, you are liable to come up with that joke. So I think, I'm not saying it's his joke,

it's probably, and it might have been bandied around and lost a bit in the mists of time as well. Yes. But I think one could imagine two separate people coming up with that gag. Okay. Okay. It just needed me to step in

and get that gag spot on. Yeah. Okay. He's an interesting character. I watched the budget speech and I found... I didn't have the sound up. But I watched... Slowly.

It was... Frank was just doing his own jokes over it. I felt sorry for him, Frank, as well, because he had to refer to Deputy Speaker and that ruined the gag as well. Oh, yes. Because it should be Mr Speaker. That's what makes it funny.

Yeah, I suppose so. It's like Deputy Santa Claus. It's all ruined. Yeah, he probably... They said, oh, by the way, it's the Deputy Speaker. They went, oh, no. Got a pen. Got a pen, Steve.

I've got some really solid stuff on the speaker. The rhythm's not right on it. I'd actually quite like him to go into more stand-up. Like, if he's going to do jokes during the budget, why isn't he doing like modern observational comedy like, oh what's with red suitcases eh? Why have I got a red briefcase? It's not even got wheels

what era are we in guys? I should open it up and it should have been empty That's all we bring every year or sandwiches or something like that. Or perhaps he could have a little chat with a magician and just produce a bowling ball out of that bread suitcase. That's great when they do that.

Get some rabbits in there. Yeah, once you bring a rabbit out and the house comes, what do you do with it then during the budget space at this point? And then it's going

to the bathroom all over people. Oh yeah, that's terrible. How looks the rabbit in your imagination? He's, I mean on their shoes.

Alright, fair enough. He's got his hair, which I stared at. We used to have a... We had an outside toilet with a slate roof. And it looks like... It reminds me of that. Right. I'm sure I'd be delighted to hear that.

He stopped with the centre parting. Yeah. I remember looking in the mirror. I suppose it would have been in the late 70s maybe early 80s and thought the centre parting has got to go

and it took about four washes to get it was like a Roman road it persisted it's a bit Simon Cowell well I tell you Hammond is more Addison Lee driver

but it's the look it's a bit Silver Fox in his own way yeah I think Hammond looks like Addison Lee driver but it's the look it's a it's a it's a bit Silver Fox in his own way yeah I think Hammond looks like sort of Paul Weller on a court appearance so he's flattened

things down a bit but he has let that go I remember Cliff Richard years ago being interviewed and saying

I remember I said I came out the sea and I looked at myself and my hair was down and I thought oh it looks okay I might I came out to see and I looked at myself and my hair was down and I thought, oh, it looks okay. I might go for a beetle cut. And it was a lie, obviously.

It'd been told by a stylist. But it's a big moment when you change your haircut. Oh, yeah. A big moment that Phil is not prepared to take on. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Larnis Morissette, ironic soft start.

That's what it says on my thing. It's called ironic soft start. It says ironic and then it says soft start to warn you that if it starts quietly, it's all right, everything's working. Got it. A little bit of behind the scenes insight there for our radio fan listeners. Soft start. I've had a few soft starts in my life.

If you stick with it. I knew it was going to happen. Sorry, everyone. Describing my stand-up career. Don't apologise to us, love. 990. Sorry, Al. Last time you could make a same-names joke was 1980,

when the American election was between Reagan and Carter, who were also the stars of The Sweeney. Oh, yes. There you go. I don't know if that was the last time. Seems quite strict. I can see Al thinking now, trying to think of one. Sorry, Al.

I feel like I'm trying to track you off, Al. When Al's thinking, he looks at the ceiling. It's very interesting. I thought he got an autocue. I was looking up there as well. I wish for an autocue some days. No, I was just, I tell you what, it annoyed me, some of the writing up of Philip Hammond's jokes.

In particular, there was an article that said, Philip Hammond can't stop cracking dad jokes. there was an article that said Philip Hammond can't stop cracking dad jokes. Why is the prefix dad before jokes or dancing or body a way of saying that this is a bit rubbish? Because we don't do that about mums. Nobody says there's a mum bod.

Where are the PC Brigade to look after us? Look after the dads, everyone. If you see a dad today, go over to him. Give him a hug. Totally. I totally agree. Give that dad a hug. So unfair. Dads do some brilliant jokes. What about dads need love too? Oh no, that could go wrong, Frank.

Honestly, Emily, there's some very wide-ranging dad bods out there. I've seen them. I mean, Conor McGregor is a dad. He's got a great body, hasn't he? He's tattooed and fit. I'm no longer allowed to comment on that. You're not allowed? As a female, no.

In the modern world. No, in the modern world. I think it's all right. Am I allowed? I think you're all right. That's good, isn't it? I think it's a bit like, you know the way that we're not using fossil fuel now in the West? And then we went to China and India and said,

we're going to stop using it. And they said, hold on a minute, you've been using it for years and having all the pleasure and enjoyment out of it. You want us to stop now? I think it's the same for women. You can, you know, blokes have been going on about it for years.

You can carry on for a bit. You've just nailed it. Enjoy yourself. Yeah, we are. Go on, I'll cope with it. I don't mind being objectified. Good for you. Good for you. Good, well, that's good it. I don't mind being objectified. Good for you. Good for you. Good, well that's good news.

It's been a while. Meanwhile, while we're on the subject of dinosaurs, pterodactyls... Zing! Pterodactyls. Zing! This is 576. It says first pterodactyls were dinosaurs and they died out 65 million years ago.

Did they really? Yeah. Aprox. Humans about 200,000 years old. It is true. Yeah, I mean, I got that wrong when I said that humans have been knocking about for about 2,000 years. I'm taking quite a biblical approach to it, if you think about it. Yeah, exactly.

Even in the Bible, it's longer ago than that. I mean, you are really, that's longer ago than that. I mean, you are, really. That's a severe edit. Can I say, I like that we're getting pterodactyl updates throughout the show. Hashtag late review. This must be our latest ever review, the pterodactyl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very sharp.

They're very good at getting to crevices and stuff with those. Very sharp beaks. Oh, you love the beaks. I had a thought review to the party? I had a thought this week. You had a pterodactyl, I think you were saying. No, I didn't have a pterodactyl. They died out 65 million years ago.

I knew that. I'm led to believe. Well, it doesn't rule me out having one. I had a car problem this week. Carp? No, car. I was driving. Oh, sorry.

I was driving a motorised vehicle and there was a problem manifest itself and the power steering on the car went... Late review, power steering is amazing. Yeah. Because when you remove that from a car, oh, what a workout. It was exhausting to just drive around the corner.

Surely a man like yourself, aren't you glad in all the sitting down you do when you're driving to be doing a good upper body aspect? Oh, yeah. It was exhausting. All I drove was like two streets without power steering. I thought, how did people ever do this?

I thought you would have like no power steering and also a pedal car. I thought he'd be like the Flintstones, Frank, with his little feet on the floor. That would keep you much fitter than just standard driving. Yeah, I mean, looking at it like this, I thought he'd be like the Flintstones, Frank, with his little feet on the floor. That would keep you much fitter than just standard driving. Yeah, I mean, looking at it like this, I should just cycle everywhere with a heavy backpack on or something. And do you, when you reverse out, do you put the arm across the passenger seat?

Are you one of those? Well, let's not go into that in a common climate. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skin climate. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, you may have guessed, on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. It's all right.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, like the modern people, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website for the nans. I've had another bit of corroboration. Sorry to hear that. Germaline, that's my point. I had the same as Alan with power steering going. Did three days community visits with what feels like the world's strongest man hanging on the back while steering lock on.

Even muscles in my neck hurt afterwards from Lisa. I don't know what the community visit's bits about, do you? No, that's a bit of a worry. I could have edited it, but I read it. Yeah, exactly. I'm hoping this car wasn't stolen. I'm a bit worried about the world's strongest man on the back. Oh, Frank.

Don't take me back to my halcyon days. You might have thought there was some mistletoe knocking about. Can I... I have a small announcement, if I may. I'm partly reading this, so bear with me. OK. You can listen at 8pm tomorrow evening, that's Sunday the 26th,

on Absolute Radio and Absolute Radio 90s, to Frank Skinner interview the popular singer-songwriter Noel Gallagher. Heard of both of them. Oh, I look forward to that. You can watch... You can watch... What?

You can watch... It's off the Amazon. You can watch the full interview. Really? I mean, I... Frank, you're meant to be PR-ing yourself. Sorry, I would have shaved. Not questioning it.

You can watch the full interview on Absolute Rate. I mean, obviously my TV rate is considerably higher than my radio. Oh, you need to speak to your people. You can watch the full interview on Absolute Radio's YouTube channel from 9pm tomorrow evening, Sunday the 26th. You know Absolute Radio's YouTube channel? Do I ever. I'm never off it.

And the podcast, there's more. How can I access the podcast, Frank? Well, I'll tell you you the podcast will be available on Wednesday the 29th I think I'm going to download that pod and it's all it's all in commemoration

commemoration? no it's because Noel's got a new album out which you know what is it a good one? I like

oh good I'm a big Noel fan I told him five plays it took me and then how did he take that because my view

is albums are like people if you like them straight away you often go off them a bit then I like them to grow

they need to grow into you did you tell him this bit as well I hope so I did but I don't know if he heard me

he's half way down the corridor when you say that though Frank just repeatedly punching a cushion in the corner of the studio You were telling this bit as well, I hope so. I did, but I don't know if he heard me, he's halfway down the corridor. When you say that, though, Frank... Just repeatedly punching a cushion in the corner of the studio. You know what hangs in the room now, you've said that, is that perhaps you didn't like any of us when you first, five times you met us. I can't remember that part.

Can't we? It's been a long time. We've had an example of well I'll read it to you Frank and Crew this is Ian Russell Frank and Crew

that was a less successful sequel in Coventry to the original Frankenstein yeah in which a man creates

a person from body parts and all he wears is a crew neck sweater remember that it's a bit like sort of Top Cat meets Frankenstein person from Body Parts and all he wears is a crew neck sweater. Remember that. It's a bit like sort of Top Cat meets Frankenstein. It was quite a thin premise for a character.

It was but obviously. Sweater based. And obviously a bit more grown up it had less potential because of I mean the film has got to be in the 18 category minimum. Because of the Franken crew. Well yeah. And also as you well know he wears NADA underneath that suit. Oh yeah. Franken crew. Well, yeah. And also as you well know, he wears NADA underneath that suit. Oh, yeah.

Well, exactly. But, I mean, if he's just wearing a crew neck sweater, then you've got, you know, it's all in the shop window. Does he wear... I wouldn't mind, but it's a sort of compilation, the private part. Can we... Oh, my goodness me. I don't like to go monsters private parts.

He got seven or eight to get there. And enough of those. And built them into a... into one that you could, from a distance, you could still pick it up in moonlight. Frank? Yes? A question.

Just quickly to clear up a matter with the monster. Did he have a T-shirt under the suit or just completely naked? I mean, in the Boris Karloff thing, I... Boca? Yeah, that's a very good question. I always think of him in just the suit

right yeah with the shorts but I've certainly seen versions of him at in comic books and stuff when he's got a t-shirt underneath probably a thermal ok

I don't know if the walking dead feel the cold like we do. I imagine with the quite rough-hewn stitching, they go, oh, I really feel it in me bones, this cold. But they mean it. There's a gap in the flesh. He's definitely got a ragged trouser hem. Oh, he has, yeah.

And an exposed green foot. He shops at the same place as the Incredible Hulk. Definitely. Yeah, the ragged... And the pirates, of course, they love it, they love a serrated edge on the trousers. Indeed. That's what those scissors are for, those pinching scissors. That's a good shop idea.

I'm just going to do anything serrated. Yeah. You could do the Flintstones costumes. Oh, Frank. That's made my day, that idea. Flintstones, pirates, Incredible Hulk, Frankenstein monster. Yeah. Who else has got...

Who does it? What is the actual term? Is it serrated clothing? Is it serrated? Is that the correct term for that triangular print? It's a little bit like... Ragged. You know on castles, you get that castlation when it's sort of a square.

It's the triangular version. Yes. Yeah. Of that. Okay. There must be other people in those things. I'm sure our readers will have some.

There's a picture of Jodie Whittaker in the papers this week. When you regenerate, obviously, as a doctor, you have to wear the previous doctor's clothes for a bit. For a while. And Peter Capaldi's velvet jacket looks a bit like it might have come from that shop

it looks a bit overly cut into pointy bits oh is it, ok little tip there, anyone listening? Anne McNeill has been in touch via the medium of Twitter I like that name, Anne McNeill ok been in touch via the medium of Twitter. I like that name, Anne McNeill. OK, I'll pass it on. Cinderella would rock a good serrated frock.

Very good. That's from Anne and Aberdeenshire. Very good call. This was pre-Extreme Makeover, of course. Yes. When she was by the pathside. Is it serrated? We don't know the term.

It's all right. We know what we mean, don't we? We mean triangular... Sarah on the A10 shipwrecked people. Yes. Yes. Come on. Yes, Desert Island Dick.

Robinson Crusoe, all of that stuff. Do you remember Desert Island Dick? I do not. What a party game that was. I would love you to explain it as quickly as you can before we get thrown off air. It was a comic strip in which it was just a man on a tiny desert island, I mean, the size of a lift floor.

Right. And he had one palm tree that he sat underneath. And whoever, it was very, very inventive looking back. There was a series of, every day was a different gag about this desert island dick on the thing. I bet it was. Joe from Orpington, Frank. Orpington's a great comedy place to come from.

I imagine Hancock might have gone there in one episode. He says, I've got to go to Orpington. Stone me, what a life. Very good impression, I like that. He's good at the voices. He's good at the voices. Oh, man of a thousand.

Well, yeah, and conversely, David Baddiel, man of one voice, as I pointed out to him once, he can't do impressions, David. How did he take it? He admitted it. I think he does accept that. He accepts that he can't do it, and there's a reason for it, and I can't remember what it was, but I'm sure he'll text me imminently and tell me.

Other people who use the same trouser shop as Frankenstein would be Robinson Crusoe. Yes. Or any castaway vagrants. And any... That's a strange way of referring to them. And any Dickensian child.

Dickensian child, not a good call. How did they get it? Have they all narrowly escaped being caught in bear trap? Which has taken off the lower legging. Sorry, Aaron painting in Clacton. Not sure if that's an activity or a surname. He-Man was a regular in the shop. Oh, He-Man.

Didn't He-Man have a sort of suede tabard? Mini tabard. Do you know what? I'm struggling to picture He-Man. I'm not. I feel for you a lot. Hey. Met the most of it.

You've got about 20 years. There's another Hammond joke I'd like to bring up. Okay. There's a point where he said, who's the labour person who's in the jungle? Is it Kezia Dogdale or Kezia? I think the producers have said it's pronounced Keziah. Keziah Dugdale? I think it might be a Hebrew

name, I'm not sure. That's a good... I like Keziah. I hope it is Keziah. I think it is Keziah. Right. Keziah Dugdale. I think it's Keziah but whatever. Is it? Okay. Pinking Shears. Sorry. Yes. No, I don't think it's that.

That's what cuts that shape. Yeah. If I was going to make a little... If I was going to have a doll museum of people who had the serrated edge trousers, you know, so you'd have the Incredible Hulk glass window and the Desert Island dick.

He's in your window, isn't he? Then you want some pinking shears, certainly, for you doing your trousers. I might do that. I went to an historical dolls museum on the Isle of Wight. It's a great business idea. Yeah. But if there's anyone from the Isle of Wight

who knows the historical dolls museum, I went in and three of Henry VIII's wives had fallen over and no-one had put them back up again. Now, I don't know if it was to symbolise beheading or whatever it was, but they'd fallen over and no one could be bothered, because I suppose it's a big thing, getting the glass front off and stuff. I thought, come on, people. What if I snuck in and did it in a jealous rampage?

Well, exactly. Well, if there's anyone from the Isle of Wight who knows that museum, have they stood the wives back up again? Yeah. Thanks. I appreciate that. Meanwhile, that's what you were saying. A little message on pride in the workplace there from Frank Skinner.

That's some pride, guys. I know, but I mean, it's disrespectful. So we're talking about Keziah? Keziah Dogdale? Keziah Dogdale. Yes. I'm sticking with Keziah because I think it's a brilliant name. I like it. And he said

the punchline was I'm Labour, get me out of here. As a punchline. Because she's gone into the jungle. She's in the celebrity jungle. Only three weeks ago she was a politician or three months or whatever. But what's his analogy with that? Is he saying that people in Labour no longer want to be in Labour

when surely Labour is riding a great wave of popularity? Yes, because it would seem to suggest I'm having a bit of a mare. That was, I thought, weak work. Also, I felt it needed an in. I'm in Labour, get me out of here. No, no, but then that is getting confusing. That sounds like some sort of dig at the NHS maternity services. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I hadn't thought of that. The ramifications. Perhaps use some thinking time today to work out how he could have improved that. I'm going to put you on the spot here. I think he needed to do a lot of work on that one. To be honest, I've got my own material that needs as much work as this, but I will devote some time to this. You've got a gig tomorrow.

King of procrastination. Just bring it in. And we'll workshop. I once wrote a situation comedy which opened with me in my kitchen. It was a domestic setting, in a kitchen with my small son. And we were talking about how

my wife, his mother was getting ideas above her station and started getting in some fancy vegetables I didn't even understand I remember he said to me do you like mange too? I said I didn't even like mange

let alone the sequel but I said you know's, it's a working class kitchen. It shouldn't have things like this in it. I said only yesterday I had a small voice saying I'm a celeriac. Get me out of it. No, it had been worked, grafted and set up, you know, and what, eight people watched it. Whereas a bloke does a big budget. Yeah. Don't bring in your

sketch pad, bring in the oils. Right. Wow. I want it finished. I want it brought, you know, brought and polished up before he's presenting that. Makes me think he might be slipshod in the other areas of his work. Do we want to think that about the Chancellor? Not me!

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. He-Man just appeared on the television. I'm not calling that

serrated. I think that's deliberately... Oh, really? I think it's the individually panelled skirting. More like a Roman gladiatorial. I don't think it used to be a garment that's become ragged. What about Skeletor? Oh, I can't even remember what Skeletor... He was just on the telly, Skeletor.

He was there as well. Oh, no, sorry, I'm talking about Skeletor. No, Skeletor, yeah, is He-Man's friend. Yes. I think they were costumes that began that way. It's got to be costumes that used to be on Serenity. Intacto, yeah. Okay.

Anyway. Anyway. I think we should talk about the man who, from this week on, will always be known as Olly Mayers. He's had a nightmare of a week on will always be known as Olly Mers. He's had a nightmare of a week, hasn't he? Poor Olly Mers. Olly Mers, really. That's his real name. For a start, earlier in the week he had a bit of a to-do

where he got left a note because he wore so much cologne. A woman had to, somebody's had to move tables. But yesterday he's also been in a bit of trouble. He's been accused of having sparked this stampede from Oxford Street and caused a terror alert. I mean, obviously that's not funny. I don't think it was just him, was it? I think he thought he was helping.

He tweeted a warning. Yes, he said this has happened to me. I think he texted... He thought he was helping by saying... He tweeted a warning. Yes. Yeah, he said, this has happened to me. I think he was... It's got to be good intentions. Yeah, I'm sure of it. And it said in the paper that a lot of people self-evacuated, and I thought, I'll bet they did.

Yeah. Blimey. So, moving on from terrorism. Moving on from that, yeah, yeah. But he did have this incident earlier this week where he was at a restaurant in LA and a note was left for him

saying the people concerned well I'll tell you what they said. He put this on Instagram. They said just wanted to let you know, they must be American, just wanted to let you know that we moved our seats because of your cologne. It's overwhelmingly, in other words, it's overwhelmingly strong.

We thought you should know. You might want to rethink how it's used. Enjoy the evening. Smiley face. Brilliant. I like how you might want to rethink how it's used. Yeah, yeah. And smiley face at the end. It's a passive aggression.

It can be an art form. Thank you very much. Absolutely. It really can. Premier League. Premier League. That's a good example. Yes.

That was a sick one. That is up there with, I'm not sure if you got my last email. I had that recently from someone. Oh, excellent. Ouch. Anyway, I don't like people who say ouch in that respect. Ouchy.

Hey, I'm one of them. Can I just say, this is one of the things that working with Emily Dean for several years has taught me. Passive aggression? No, it's how to apply a scent. Two sprays into the air and walk through it am i right walk into the fragrance darling the fragrance rather than spray it on yourself well i've all he's listening i do give lessons scent spraying lessons very useful um ollie murph

as does my landline when I first pick it up which is the coincidence. I've interviewed Ollie. I've interviewed Ollie and he I tell you what

he smelled very nice actually to be fair and I said to him you smell nice Ollie and he says well what it boils down to is he loves a bit of Fordy. Oh, does he like?

Tom Ford. Can I just say something? This is exclusive from Thanksgiving. He loves a bit of Fordy. And he was telling, I'd never heard of Tom Ford before. It's Tom Ford, not Matt Ford, just so you know. The popular comedian. And he sang the praises of the Tom Ford range.

What tune to? If I knew one of his songs, I could see what funny he'd do. I know one of his songs, and it's called Trouble Maker. Trouble? Maker. Oh, OK. Little bit of Trouble Maker. He's very influenced by Frank Spencer in his career, isn't he?

So I think on this occasion he'd over-tommed. Do you think so? Oh, had he? I think he'd... Trey Thomas, I think, the French. Right, yeah. But it's a fine line, generally. I think it's quite a nice note, in a way,

because I think, one, I imagine that... I knew a man who used to clean the lathes at the factory we worked at with trichoethylene and he took to having a little bit on his handkerchief to clean his head. That's a good idea. Highly addictive and very dangerous.

But I think that the problem was if you work with it all the time, you get used to it. It's a bit Moorish. You get used to it. So I think he's not realising how tombed he is. He's so tombed.

I mean, I had an aura. I used to have a poodle whose smell was acidic. It used to actually bring tears to my eyes. And Anora didn't actually live with it. She didn't know. I remember I took Kath

to meet Anora, and she thought they'd had some sort of Chernobyl type experience in the local area. And I think that's happened with Ollie, is that he has

just got so, he's so Tom Ford that he can't detect it anymore. So I think word to the wise. It's almost like he's immured himself against it. Yes. It didn't quite work, that, because he's inured. And I said immured himself against it. Yes. Yeah. He has. It didn't quite work, that, because it's inured,

and I said immured. I think immured is our character. Hammond, you know, he did worse. It's all right to change it, though, to fit in. You want a slight change. Okay, thank you.

No, that's good. That's much better than I'm Labour getting me out of here. Thank you. Okay. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we've had a Correzione directed at me.

Do you want the jingle? Yeah. Correzione, Correzione. So this Correzione, can I just say, is not entirely necessary. Nevertheless, Skeletor is not He-Man's friend. They are mortal enemies! Three exclamation marks. Wow.

So I think the idea, we'd seen them on the ad, and I think that is the comic conceit, perhaps, of the ad, that they're dancing together and they're having a night out, as lads do. Mortal enemies that are working together on an advertising campaign. They've gone a bit follow the bear. I'd like to know who brokered that deal. But thanks for the correction,

because it's important to point out they aren't mates. No. They don't like each other. What does it mean, mortal enemies? I think it means that they might kill each other, doesn't it? They are both mortals think it means they might kill each other doesn't it oh they are both mortals are they i don't know i never really 416 over to you i never really got into uh he-man no alan cochran mean either um and i don't like to miss any uh that kind of thing but no it was not me anyway back to ollie ollie murph as i call him smell at all do you yeah i call him that all the time but i think you see i don't agree with these

people i love a man the note leavers oh right The Passag note levers. I love the smell of cologne on a man. That much? Too much? Well, we don't know. You say that much. I wasn't there. But, for example, if I go to the theatre and someone next

to me, could be male, could be female, wearing a lovely scent, that makes my whole evening, and it makes me associate the play with that lovely scent. Happened with Angela Lansbury, Blithe Spirit, I always think of a lovely citrusy fragrance. Now, Morrissey

insists that the first four rows are sprayed with his cologne, apparently. Does he? Really? Because he likes to smell that. He's like an old Tom Cat. He is, yeah. But I understand that he likes to smell that. He's like an old Tom Cat. He is, yeah. But I understand that. I relate to that.

Oh, okay. Okay, thank you. That is nice. I mean, I've had the opposite to you. I've had this sensation that these people have had where I've thought, this smell is so overpowering, I'm going to have to move. They've taken it a step further.

They've thought, I'm going to have to move and leave some hate mail, which I've never... Where's the door, babe? I thought it was quite friendly, though. It was a word to the wise, as I say. Sometimes we need people to tell us stuff. That's why people go on Twitter.

Yeah, but they tell us after the fact. They didn't say it to his face, did they? No, because they wanted to spare his... They didn't say it to his face, did they? No, because they wanted to spare his... They didn't want to get too close, lest they should pick up some sort of chest problem. I've got to say, I'm... You don't like a big scent, do you? Generally, I mean, male and female,

I would say perfume and the whole thing is probably the thing I understand least about the modern world and I'm including dabbing and if he'd have dabbed instead of marinated but no I don't

because I like people to smell of clean people that's my favourite smell and I find it... Well, you're a clean person, but not everyone is. No, but they should wash. I mean, I can't speak for my leg pits.

Oh, that's very Marie Antoinette. No, yeah. No, but I think... I know there's those of you out there who can't wash because you're on waste ground. I respect that. But even you can go into a public toilet

and have a quick rinse. Yeah. But no, it's so expensive as well, the perfume. Yeah. And I tell you something, it tastes... I don't know if you've ever...

Have you ever licked the neck of someone wearing perfume? It's bitter as... Oh, I didn't like you saying yes in that creepy way. Yes. Bitter as the card. It was O as... I didn't like you saying yes in that creepy way. Yes. Bitter as the card. It was Olly Murs, actually.

No, it might smell lovely. It all tastes so bitter. Oh, Miss Dior. It's like eating a dandelion. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 048. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily

I used to work with fragrances and if after applying you can still smell it on yourselves after 30 minutes you've applied too much Really? I thought that's the whole point Emily is right about how to apply it also heat makes the fragrance

rise so it should never be applied higher than chest level that's from shirley and fexton query okay if you're right on how to apply it which is firing it into the air and then walking through it yeah then why is it also right not to apply it above chest level because surely if you fire it into the air and walk through it goes on your hair on your face well if you're firing it like some cray cray cowboy yes well you gotta you gotta shift pretty fast to fire it at chest level and catch it before... Perhaps it would settle lower. Anyway, I don't know the technicalities. That's what I do. It's always worked for me.

It's a faulty combination of advice, in my opinion. I mean, I put about ten squirts on the back of each knee. That's my system. Other people, your mileage may vary. I thought you used to be a dab behind the ear, which is certainly above chest level. It is. Unless you're Quasimodo. Who I think

can be generally said he's keeping a low profile. Yeah, I don't think he used much scent. Does he favour a serrated edge? Possibly. I think he might. Just on the tunic. Just on the tunic.

I just think some serration has happened. I think he might. I think he might. Just on the tunic. Just on the tunic, yeah. I just think some serration has happened. I think he wears an elasticated Adidas tracksuit bottom. But yes, I think he might have a serrated edge. I'm calling it a jerking. I don't know where that came from. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's an image of him at the rope. It's a tragic figure in many ways.

Yeah. But, you know, there you go. I don't know why I'm laughing nastily like Madonna at the fate of Quasimodo. Remember the old joke about Quasimodo being followed down the road by a bunch of school kids and him stopping and turning around and saying, for the last time, I haven't got you a football. Probably can't do it now, actually. I'll set it back.

I heard Bernard Manning say it in the 70s and I was just holding it up as a mirror to unkindness. Yeah, you were playing a character. I think we've got through the slalom and come out the other end thank you so much for listening this morning and also I'll close the show

just as for old times sake 223 texted in who said he's an atheist but still misses the old the old end into the show so I'm going to run that just for them and so if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week

goodbye across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.