The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Frightmare

Episode Date: October 28, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is trying out a new catchphrase, the team discuss The GC's fall, Davina's relationship advice and Frank's psychedelic experience.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Love the show via Rhythms. I thought you were self-reviewing there. Yeah, me too.

Self-reviewing. Yeah. I suppose quite a lot of that goes on, if you think about it, on this show. But anyway, let's not over-analyse. I've already been put into a very good mood by the news this morning. Have you?

Lovely. That said Tiger Woods was arrested for reckless driving. I wish he'd have said that. Look, I was doing my best. I don't know, it just kept splicing off to the left. Oh, man. So, um... Hello. Hi, Frank.

I'm... Can I tell you... You look nice this morning in your suit. Very smart. Yeah, I was... Nothing untoward in that comment. I'm just saying your suit looks nice. No, no, I didn't sense anything untoward. Now, of course, you put the idea in my head. The idea's here. Yeah.

He had one of his secret gigs, didn't he? You've got to be careful. They're not secret. I only have one of the gigs. 140 people turn up, I think. That's not a secret, is it? I don't know. And this is Frank's little show that he does in London.

I do a little show. The size of London's population. A little sort of made-up show. And so I've been doing that all week. Hence, I sit here in last night's stage clothes. Last night's stage clothes would be a good country and western. Yes. Yeah.

I'm sitting in last night's stage clothes and I'm thinking about last night. Yeah. Write it, Steve. You know you keep going on about that you're going to write a song one day. Do it. I'm just guessing there'll be someone out there.

Don't you ever think, I reckon I could write songs easily. Well, do you remember when I said I could run the 100 metres better than any of them? Which I still believe and I need to do. But, I think I could, if I put my mind to it, I could wipe the floor with these people.

I still think I could beat a lion in a fight. I think if you hold it under the throat, the big mouth and that, and you have to embrace it tightly so the claws become nullified. How can you embrace it tightly and hold its throat though? Oh yeah, I think, what you

do is you sort of, you hug it really tightly. I don't want to hug it. It's better than having it eat your face. And you sort of push its head back over your shoulder while you're hugging it. All right. So if you can imagine me...

The bear hug. Imagine the back of me. There's a lion's head coming over my shoulder with it sort of trying to get around and bite my ear but can't quite turn. Yeah. I don't know how long you can keep that up. The problem is getting out of it.

Yeah. But I almost imagine I could walk somewhere and then just land him on his back and give his head a good knock. You'd find a stone, wouldn't you, in Africa? They've got stones.

I've been to Africa. So many stones. I think there was four in Ghana. Four stones I saw. Yeah. I mean, if you count Bill Wyman, he'd actually left by then. Oh.

It was a charity... So that's happening. Charity gig. I think you'd be a good zookeeper, Frank. Oh, that's for sure. He's got some bad ideas about animals. Why? I love the zoo., Frank. Oh, that's for sure. He's got some bad ideas about animals. Oh, why? I love the zoo.

Very cruel. Would be on his door. No, they're very dedicated. I talk to people at the zoo sometimes. They're extremely dedicated. Does that aspect of the job not appeal? Well, I don't know if I could get that excited. I've always felt animals are sort of very much,

this is what I think about wildlife programmes, they're very much supporting cast. They're extras, essentially. And whenever they're forefronted, I switch off. And at the zoo, of course, you know, they're treated like kings, the animals, versus the lion. Well, the bears.

Don't get me started on the bears. Two appearances a year if you're lucky. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're reticent. I don't think there's any question about that. I'll tell you what I did. I think I might have come up with... You know, I've been searching for a catchphrase

most of my comedy career. I said to a bloke in the audience the night, I said, do you own anything made out of onyx? And I thought, I wonder if I could run with this. It's an interesting catchphrase, yeah. Well, it emanated from, I don't know how I'd got onto onyx as a substance, but it had cropped up.

So I asked this bloke, and his grandma had a clock that was essentially onyx apart from the central case and machinery. So I tried it. I don't normally repeat stuff from the show

but I thought a catchphrase would be alright. So without any of the build up the problem came up. I said to the bloke do you own anything

made of onyx mate? He said no. I said that's one of the problems with this catchphrase. And then the look on his face, I sensed something. I said, do you know what Onyx is? He said, I'm not sure what it is now.

And I thought, what I would have done is said yes if I wasn't sure what it is, because I was trying to help people who were in a jab. Oh, but that could lead to him being embarrassed later if he'd said yes. Well, yeah, but surely that's not as bad as me being embarrassed. I'm the captain of the ship, you know what I mean?

If I'm embarrassed, I think everybody gets a bit embarrassed on my behalf. Yeah. Unless you're someone who's come for embarrassment. It's not a bad place to go if that's what you're after. A live stand-up gig where the guy's doing no show. Exactly. How did you get out of the Onyx hole?

I think I... You'll always find a way. Yeah, well, I talked about the fact that it hadn't worked and I'd had high hopes for it and it had gone. But anyway... I think part of the problem is it feels like the beginning of a magic trick. Like if you say, do you own anything with Onyx, mate? And then suddenly it's going to appear.

You're expecting a sort of, Well, if there's anyone listening who owns anything with Onyx, 8, 12, 15, we'll see what we can do with it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some Onyx news in, Frank. Oh, tremendous. They love the Onyx. We're off had some Onyx news in, Frank. Oh, tremendous. They love the Onyx.

We're off with the Onyx. 718 has texted, I own an Onyx signet ring marked in Stanford with Jack aged 8. Well, that's the thing. The Onyx ring was a big deal in the late 70s. Was it? Yeah.

Oh, I miss that. It was a bit, no offence to this lovely man in Stamford, but I always felt it was kind of a bit EastEnders market trader. A bit like the Sov. Yeah. You don't see the Sovs worn on Ironically now, do you? Only worn by people who are thinking, ah, I know, I know what's going on.

Yeah. I hadn't thought of you in the jewellery context. That was the first thought I had when you said onyx. Well, we're all different. 434 has texted, Morning, my neighbour has a horse called onyx, if that's any good. That's from Nelly. That's good.

Lovely. Okay. I can't forget that. There's a place in Tipton, not far from where I grew up, where a lot of people had a horse in the garden. There's a lot of rag and bone men. Really? Oh, yeah.

So where are you going to put it? So there just used to be a front garden about as big as this studio. There'd be a horse in it. What if you went to sunbathe in the summer months? That was out of the question. Nobody sunbathed in Tipton. Didn't bother. What are you talking about?

I can't even... Oh, God, I don't know if the phrase was... Is this worse than when I asked you if you had dinner parties? When you asked me if my dad had any... He said everyone's got contacts. Your dad must have at least known a journalist or something. What are you talking about? 942 has been in touch, Frank.

Skinny-san. That's using the Japanese. Oh, that Japanese thing. My husband just pointed out we have several objects made with onyx. Okay. But he says

they go better with other things. Not very impressive. Oh, he's doing a joke there. Not very impressive. Onyx their own. Onyx their own. Like, on their own. A slow morning, Sam and Chris.

I like that. I didn't get it. Thanks for helping me out with that, Al. Well, I thought of walking through a joke. Yeah, mansplaining at its very best. I don't think it was. I needed that, mansplaining. Sometimes mansplaining is just, you know.

Look, I was in a mess. A mansplaining. He helped me out of that hole. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. It's like, you know, I'm in woman's planning, I don't mind. No, me neither.

I'll bear that in mind. Thanks. Can I tell you, by the way, that I've got a bit of a shoulder. Have you? Oh, God, I've got a bit of a shoulder. How many? I went and saw a GP and he said I think you might have frozen shoulder

I said look if you want me to go just say so and he sent me to a physiotherapist they're good I approve of them yeah this she was a nice woman but but I tell you what, one of my problems, whenever I meet someone new,

I always think, because also she was from overseas, an Australian person, and I thought, well, I... Australian person! She was from down under us, I think they say. Yeah, they do. And you remember Australia, big in the 80s. Massive. It really was.

They had a great decade. Massive in the 80s. Everyone was talking like this. Yeah. And not like that, but like that thing that you get when you go up at the end. Yeah. The rising inflection, frankly. Yeah, Kylie.

Are you just going to name Australians now? Jason Donovan. I'm not going to name all of them. Let's put it that way. Not that many. No. Paul Hogan. He was big for it. I was going to name one, and I Not that many. Paul Logan, he was big for it.

I was going to name one and I thought, no, I'll name him. But anyway, so I did a few jokes just so she got the general gist of who I am as a person before she started manipulating me. I hate it when you do this. It's the usual process I do in the past when I met new women, is I'd do a few jokes and then they'd start manipulating me So she was

a nice person but she was a person who knew there'd been a joke She sensed that a joke had occurred but hadn't quite had missed it but she had that just that sense oh that was a joke and so she'd come and laugh a little bit later uh i'll tell

you what it was like you ever seen a film when when someone's in an office in like a skyscraper american office yeah working at a desk and her body falls past the window. And they look round, they just have a sense. They're just at the corner of their eye. It was like that. So I found that... I mean, what was her response?

Did she just titter a bit? She'd... I'd say some... Some of your onyx material. Yeah, exactly. I'd ask her if she'd... If a cold shoulder could be described as an onyx. No, I didn't do that. But imagine I'd said that.

Yeah. And she'd go, eh. And I found that a bit, I found that uneasy making. But I was strapped for two days. Were you? You've never been strapped? I'm not sure I have. I've been strapped a two days. Were you? You ever been strapped? I'm not sure I have. I've been strapped a few times in my life,

but never in that manner. The whole shoulder, she said the shoulder really is not in the position I'd like, so she put it in the position and then just strapped it in. With like a rubber thing or? With like big pieces of sticking paper. Was it like you were sort were packing heat and working undercover? Like a holster.

It's a very interesting idea that you can just sellotape the body into the right shape. Could I be sticky taped into an international gymnast? Maybe. Let me rephrase that. Was it that athletic tape that you see them wear at Wimbledon? Yeah, very sturdy tape. And so she just made my body what it would be in an ideal world, and then she taped it in place.

And left you for days. And left me like that, yeah. Did she take it back off, or was that somebody else's gig? No, I had to take it off in the end. I had a parrot delivered on Wednesday, and he found it a bit hard to get a proper grip. Yeah, yeah. To get perches.

Oh, lovely. And we're out. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a lot of correspondence about onyx. You're kidding me. We have, yeah. How did this happen?

3-5-2. My brother had onyx worktops in his kitchen. Oh, yes. And he had a meltdown if you went to cut anything without a chopping board. That's Gareth. I'd forgot about that. Oh, they're onyx this morning. They are.

This one, I don't know if that's a typo or if I'm misreading something. 404 has texted, Good morning all. My dad was on a minesweeper called onyx in World... We've got a horse? Minesweeper? I think you should say WW2. It helped clear the beaches before 6th of June

and patrolled the coastal waters around Britain. Was also responsible for the sinking of several German ships. Okay. That's Bernie in rugby. I don't know who we're supposed to look on that now. You've got to see it in context. In context I think it was amazing.

It would be inappropriate. But then Amazing. Needs mask. Yeah, exactly. Very important. Well done. Thanks, Bernie and Rugby. So that would be the HMS Onyx, would it?

Or would a minesweeper not get that kind of... Not get the letters? I wonder if... That could be another good text. I mean, we've got the Onyx. We could do, would a minesweeper get the prefix? What?

8, 12, 15. What's the difference between HMS and SS? Ooh. Wow, that's a question. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to see if I can strangle the show with the sinuous ivy

of obscure textings. Speaking of which, I held a python this week. So what? I kissed a girl and I liked her. Yeah? How was it? It was, well, you remember I held an eagle a couple of weeks ago?

No. You don't remember that? I've forgotten that. You just, here's you saying you wouldn't make a zookeeper. I know. I know. It's python this, eagle that. I'll tell you what it is.

It's because I go to a lot of sort of events, children type events. Oh, yeah. I went to a thing called Scare... I went to a thing, I don't know, it was cleverer than that. Scare-tabulous. Scare-sville. You're raising the bar now. Clever, was it?

Yeah, I thought... Scare-we-go-again. I thought it was pretty good. Yeah, it was in that kind of league. OK. Yeah, um, Scarebalding. Oh, yeah? That's what it's called.

Anyway, it was a Halloween-themed... It was at a farm in Gloucestershire. All right. Under Farm, it was called. Oh, yeah. Which is, again, confusing. Yeah. But, so I went there, and they, and this woman got the python out.

I'm sorry. It was a St John's ambulance. I'd fainted. You needed some hot milk. Yeah, well, I just needed air. I just had to get cool air to all parts of me so the python was came out so a couple of people came up to me i got that sort of local press feel and said would you mind holding a python yeah which is how the eagle thing happened a couple

of weeks i always say no to that and i said um well not always and i said i said that um okay well not always and I said I said okay so they took that python away and bought a bigger one for the picture

and it was do you remember the eagle I held an eagle on my I had I had a falconry gauntlet yeah did you

oh yeah they didn't give me one I was wearing one I had to I had to call and I couldn't be bothered to carry ankerchief. Can you buy them as a pair, those gauntlets? Or do they only sell them singularly?

I want them as gloves. You must get people who... Because you'd have it on the left if you're right-handed in case you had to kill it if it went mad. Keep it light. I was thinking that with a python. I thought, if it tightened around my neck, it was a horrible...

When you're holding a big one like that next to you, you think, if it tightened around my neck now, I'd have to bite its head off. That's the only thing I'd be able to do. I think you're very confident that you'd be able to do that. You were fighting a lion a minute ago. They've got game, python. They know what they're doing

I fancy me chances if it's around your neck if your face is you know going if you're looking like an aubergine from the neck up I think you'd find

the strength to bite it but what I'm wondering if you bite its head off does that stop it constricting oh what you really need is an over the counter musclecounter muscle relaxant.

Yeah. Ibuprofen, what do you think? Or ibuprofen, I've never been certain. I don't know if that is a muscle relaxant. Ibuprofen, I've always called it. I like it. I think it might be one of my stress mistakes. Maybe.

Yeah, but of course that might be all right for the Sheldon, I've come to mention it. Yeah. What, being squeezed by a python? No, I So what did you prefer? Hang on, what happened with the eagle? Don't leave me hanging with the eagle. I told you about the eagle. They just took the eagle away.

They took it away. It's lovely to hold an eagle but you do think, I wish I'd got cyberpunk goggles on. Right. Because the eagle turned, there's a bit it turned and looked at me, like David Baddiel used to if things weren't going well on the live.

I sensed it looking at me. You know when you're looking straight forward, but you can sense someone else is looking at you right at the side. They've got eyes in the back of their head. Have they? I miss that. So I turned to the eagle and it was looking straight at me.

And I thought, it's going to have my eyes out. It's looking at my eyes like, whoa. Yum. Yeah, exactly. That looks a bit... You also have quite intense, if you don't mind me saying, intense experiences with the animal kingdom. There was that gorilla, do you remember? No, it was a chimpanzee.

Oh, I do apologise. Chimpanzee who stared me out, basically. Yeah. Yeah, that was a strange experience. But again, the same thing I had with the eagle, really heavy, the python. Oh, was it? The animal kingdom, it's got its own national obesity crisis.

Is it not that they're just dense because it's full of musculature? Do you get a fat python? Post-goat. You must have seen pythonette goat pictures. That would have been the classic. Yeah, so they get one of them down. They say they're dense. Do you think they think...

There's some sort of interior chamber. They can get a goat in it. Yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Frank, more Onyx updates. Are we driving people away?

Possibly. Is it reckless driving? Okay. I think I need to share this with you, though, which is I used to have a Playboy bunny head Onyx ring with a racehorse head design on the side of the ring. That's from Peter. That is... That's a male ring.

Don't get better than that. Yeah, wowee. Race horses and the bonnie logo. And the bonnies, yeah. Of course you couldn't wear that now. No. But we didn't know then. Why couldn't you wear it now? What? What would stop you from wearing

that now? Well, I mean, look at you. I've had to die in a few weeks. Usually when somebody dies you get warm-hearted tributes ripped into pieces. Did they? Oh, did they? Like that eagle. Yeah, it did. It was horrible about poor old Hugh Hefner.

Were they? I mean, he didn't know. You know, it's no good. Anyway, it's gone now. I'm on the spiky ball at the moment, I'll tell you that. You said you've got a frozen shoulder. You haven't... Yeah, I'm... I'm fascinated about the treatment because I'm obsessed with all that sort ball at the moment, I'll tell you that. You said you've got a frozen shoulder, you haven't...

Yeah, I'm... I'm fascinated about the treatment because I'm obsessed with all that sort of thing. I know you are, well, this is why I'm sharing. You're interested in it. I, well, I've got to lean on the spiky ball.

Oh, yeah. So I've got to... It hurts. I mean, it's light. Yeah. It'll only hurt for a bit. I don't know if you've ever been on a train, say, sat down and thought

I'm not comfortable look round there's a there's a hedgehog just just next to the logo he hadn't noticed it's like that

yeah just gripping onto the the first class anti-Mikasa so I have to get the spiky ball and then I'm leaning back which I'm making me further from the microphone I'm trying to demonstrate you're going against the wall I put to get the spiky ball and then I'm leaning back, which is making me further from the microphone

when I'm trying to demonstrate. You're going against the wall. I put it against the wall. You know when Baloo demonstrates to Mowgli how to scratch his back on a tree? I do. I'm basically doing that. Yeah.

That became something of a dance move in the raving days. Did it really? Yeah. What, the Baloo? The Baloo back scratching. You're joking. Yeah, I'll show you. It's a bit like with a towel sort of thing.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And did she send you that? Very long torso Baloo had got. Yeah. Very, quite squat legs. And then, I can't picture Baloo in a fitted jacket. No. It wouldn't work. You in a fitted jacket. No.

It wouldn't work. He'd have to get it tailored. He was quite short-legged. I have sympathies with Baloo because I am similarly. It's me, Baloo and Scott Parker have a similar physique. Long trunk. They don't have a long trunk like that. He was...

I'll be honest, I don't know how he operated in the urinal. No. I don't suppose they do. in the U Rydal. No, I don't suppose they do. It was a short walk away. His gentleman's excuse, mate. He would have been good at football, though. Low centre of gravity. I think he must have used one of those things they use for throwing the ball for dogs.

In the U Rydal. for throwing the ball for dogs. You're right. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a bit of a crexione, Frank.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Here goes. Crexione, crexione. hold it hold it here it goes Can I please tell Frank it was over farm he went to for the Fright Night event I was in the ballpark although calling it under farm

has given me a laugh it's close to Cheltenham where I live and then there's some praise that I won't read but I still I still in case you've just tuned in, I held a python at Underfarm Deodorant. They could sell Underfarm Deodorant if it was called that.

That's good. I held a python. I was afraid it was about to become a killer scarf. Yeah. And so I was thinking about how I become a killer scarf. Yeah. And so I was thinking about how I could have killed it. Yeah. But you can't remember the name of the actual... I think Night Scare.

I know the name of this thing. Okay. Fright Night? Fright Scare? Ooh. Is he close? Very near. Fright Scare? Ooh. Is he close? Getting very near. Fright Scare would be good,

because they'd replaced Night and Mare with two equally frightening things. Night Scare on Elm Street. They haven't actually replaced both. That's how close you are. Fright Mare. Yes. Fright Mare.

Fright Mare Halloween Festival. Not as good as I remembered it. I suppose you've probably got horses at the thing, Max. Yeah. Fright Mare. Yeah, so I remembered it. I suppose they've probably got horses at the thing. Frightmare. Yeah, so I went there. It was good. They tell me in the evening it's absolutely wild if anyone's in the... What do you mean by wild?

I think it's genuinely frightening. Someone was saying they went to the car park and a zombie got out of a car. They didn't know, you know. Spoiler. They didn't know it was going to... Oh, yeah, actually. We're going to go into that tonight.

Actually. What's that dealt with? Oh, no. Unless it was a genuine zombie, in which case it probably isn't going to happen again. Or if a zombie was working somewhere else. It just arrived. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, just parking up. I had that the other day. Exactly. You know, that's difficult because when they're reversed, just parking up. I had that the other day. Exactly. Just parking up, minding his own business. because when they're reversed, look over their shoulder, their head could come off.

That's how they overeat. You know those people that paint themselves bronze and stand like statues for the whole day? Oh, I know them. I don't know them, obviously. I mean, I think most of us

dislike them, but I saw one of them... I don't dislike them. I saw one of them walking towards the tube, like, fast. And as he walked past me, I was very tempted to say, God, how much money did somebody put in your hat?

And then I thought, I bet everyone says that to them when they finally move quickly. No one speaks to them. I used to walk along the south bank of a morning and I used to see them sitting, spraying themselves. Oh, really? I mean, we all do it, but not in public. Well, you get a lot of yodas as well.

You do? The levitating yodas. I've got no time for them. No, that's... It's clever, the levitating. I don't know how they do it. Oh. That was a weird...

Speaking of psychedelia, I should have gone into this. You're worried I've got the face I think in case you're new to the show the producer puts a small face that what what animal would that fit a marmoset say lovely marmoset monkey put a big for not put a marmoset face on just on my table and that means shut up now we're over time so I'll tell you I had a massage and it wasn't no

it's part of the shoulder treatment but there was a surprise oh god no no completely family a massage with a surprise I don't want to know

I love that story just trust me I still know when we're on air and when we're off you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

So you left us with you on a massage table. Well, I went for a massage. So it wasn't the Australian woman? No, no, this was when the shoulder first kicked in. She's hands-off, is she? No, no, she was when the shoulder first kicked in. She's hands-off, is she? No, no, she was hands-on. Anyway, so they did... It was started shoulder and it went a bit neck.

Oh, yeah. And I've never been a fan of the massage. Right. Not at all? No, I remember... Even lower back? I lay my head on a table in McDonald's once after a... It's like salt and stuff stuck to the side of my face.

Was that your moment of clarity, perhaps? No, I had a massage and then I went for a McDonald's after. I was living the... very much living the wellness lifestyle. Yeah. And I had filet-o-fish did you? yeah I didn't

I love the healthy option yeah exactly I used to I haven't had one for years a filet filet-o-fish I don't know if they still do it no maybe not

but that's not getting McDonald's nostalgic yeah anyway so I had them I'd never had a massage before I don't think all that still do it? No, maybe not. But let's not get McDonald's nostalgic. Yeah. Anyway, I'd never had a massage before, I don't think. All that, you know, when you get the hole

in the table you have to put your face through. Yeah. That's what I'd like for my publicity shot is someone underneath the massage table taking that photo of me.

We could make that happen, I'm sure. I'm sure you've got the power to wield that. If I was on Twitter, that would so be my... Your biog photo. Avatar, I believe it's called. Anyway, so I

had the massage, this new, that one in McDonald's, I felt terrible. I felt as tired as I've ever felt in my life. Oh, is that why you put your head on the table? Yeah, it was reminding me of when I used to sleep on traffic islands. Yeah. Roundabouts, they call them.

When you're that drunk, you walk along and you're so tired, you just fall to your knees and sleep. Sleep here, yeah. I felt like that. So I'm not sure about if massage is a good thing. Anyway, I had this one, and I got out, and I was strung out. Really?

I really felt like I was on. Yeah. And you know when you get those things, like scientists are on a bicycle on the way back from the laboratory in the early days of experimenting with LSD, and suddenly an orange dinosaur comes out from the end, a stop sign. It was like that.

I felt really out of it and sort of, you know, weird. Do you think the massage had released some endorphins? Definitely. I think it might have released a bit of magic mushroom trap since the 80s. Well, the toxins all come out, Al, don't they? And the lactics. Sounds like it was all out.

It's quite a cocktail. It's an acidic cocktail in your body. I mean, the only way I get... The last time I was spaced out was after a long-haul flight. Oh, yeah. But I don't get it now because I don't take anything. But can I say Absolute Radio doesn't encourage

intoxication of any kind and you should have been at the awards the other week who would have thought you could get it from a shoulder massage I mean who needs space who needs space did they talk to you

during the massage Frank because do space? Did they talk to you during the massage, Frank? Because do you like them to talk to you? I don't... Well, I don't have enough massage experience. Do they normally talk? Well, it depends. You set the tone. It's like with the cab driver.

I think you have to set the tone. Generally, I don't like practitioners to talk to me of anything I'm getting done. Presumably, it was some, like some shoulder specialist massage that you were getting. You didn't just go in and do the whole lot. No, it wasn't like the ones you used to get on Virgin Opera. Right. Just two women in overalls.

That's an inclusive material. That's your point of reference. Yeah. But there were two women from Greggs who'd come in and go, well, I suppose if I just rub his neck, he'll be all right. It was absolute rubbing. They built it up. I thought this is the height of glamour.

BBC was paying for me to fly to America. You get a massage on the plane. Oh, it's not... Two people come over and just like... I got more from the Python. I had two ladies giving me a massage at the foot of the Himalayas, which was extraordinary.

But I complained. I said, that's too rough. I complain while it's happening sometimes. The massage of the Himalayas, which was extraordinary. But I complained. I said, that's too rough. I complain while it's happening sometimes. The massage of the Himalayas? Yeah. The Himalayas. Can you smooth that out a bit? Look at that.

I mean, look at that. If you get a massage... Can you put him on that bit? If you get a massage at the foot of the Himalayas, does it count as a foot massage? Oh. That's it. We've got there.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I would like to talk this morning about the JEC. Are you familiar with the JEC? The Gentleman's Quarterly. No. This is Gemma Collins from TOWIE. Oh, yeah, GQ.

And she calls herself the GEC in a slight The Governor way. Does she? I didn't know she called herself the GEC. It's a bit of a Paul Ince thing, though. I think she's hoping it'll catch on. It's a self-styled nickname. Oh, great. Yeah. So what happened this week, in case anyone was unaware of this, she's hoping it'll catch on. It's a self-styled nickname. Oh, great. Yeah.

So what happened this week, in case anyone was unaware of this, she stacked it, as she put it. She stacked it. She went, I stacked it. The GC stacked it. She didn't say that. She calls herself the GC. She refers to herself in the third person.

Okay. Oh, okay. But she fell over. George Clooney must be kicking himself that he missed out on that. Or George Carey. Or George Carey, former writer of Bishop of Canterbury. She was at a Radio 1 road show, was it? Or an awards show?

A radio award show? Teen awards, it was. Giles Corran. Giles Corran. That was a good one. J.C. She was presenting an award to Love Island. I've never heard of the...

Teen Awards. No. I think there might be a new thing. She was presenting a teen award at age 36. I know. Very Radio 1. Very Radio 1. And she said, I didn't get a tenner for it.

Yeah, I was surprised by that. I wouldn't have minded, Dan. I didn't even get a tenner. I've never been paid to present anything. She didn't get a tenner for turning up, was what by that. I wouldn't have minded, Dan. I didn't even get a tenner. I've never been paid to present anything. She didn't get a tenner for turning up, was what she said. Yeah. Which makes me think that she thinks that everyone that goes to everything is getting some money for turning up.

Do you think she thinks she's in the Truman Show or something, that everybody else is just a stooge? It's very sordid. I don't really understand. Well, I think it's a problem with the realities because if you start being paid for ostensibly having no skill at all, then you would expect it just for turning up. When I first met Phil the Power Tailor...

Yeah. He was... Worked with him all. He said to me... I did a personal last night. Two grand. Did he? Yeah, the first thing.

Everything he said to me, oh, yeah, I did that. Yeah. Six grand. Wow he? Yeah, the first thing. Everything he said to me, oh yeah, I did that. Yeah. Six grand. Wow. Well, they do that. That's how they make their money. They go to nightclubs.

They do PAs, don't they? They go, I've got to do a PA. Fair enough. You know, you've got to do what you've got to do. But I've never heard of anyone.

Maybe I'm being a naive from the half white line. Yeah. But I've never heard of anyone getting paid for presenting an award before. No. Oh, it's a bit aux days. Yeah.

But not many have fallen down a hole, have they? She fell down a hole, is that right? Buster Merrifield for the Comedy Awards. Remember that? I think I do. Was there? Remember Buster Merrifield played Grandad in there? Of course I do.

And I remember the Comedy Awards didn't miss one, love. He went up for the Comedy Awards and he slipped on the way up. And he was old, you know, he had a big white beard and a bald head. Oh, no. He carried on as Trooper and he went on stage and he delivered. And the blood was running down his face. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was...

It's great. It was, you know... He won an event, don't you, at an awards ceremony, some sort of an event, and the GC falling down a hole, I suppose, was that. She really went flying. Have you seen the clip? I have seen the clip. I have to say, a person from The Only Way Is Essex

falls down a hole onto three people from Love Island and Alan Cochran is still an atheist. LAUGHTER Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a massage story, but it's a respectable one. Good. Just about, yeah. 275.

Frank's massage story reminded me of the first massage I had. I was terribly nervous and massage naive. They left me in the room with the little net pants that they have for you to wear and told me to get ready. Well, I was all at loss and in my panic, I thought the pants were some sort of hair net. They returned to find me still fully clothed, but with pants on my head. They were very professional about it. They just left the room again saying... Sounds like the woman who did my shoulder. They left the room again saying, Sounds like the woman who did my shoulder. They left the room

again saying, underwear, not on your head. Maybe not the first time it had happened. Mortar Picardo. I've never had netting. Alan Cochran, me neither. Never had netting. Oh, I have. The little disposable pants that you get. Three girls nodding.

Soaping iPad. They're not netting, are they? I would describe them as in the net family perhaps men don't get the net normally a bit gauzy you don't look like you're trying to train it up trellis no

I don't know about that but I've worn fishnet tights on a couple of occasions professionally yeah course you have. Professionally. Yeah, yeah. You're very good at it. I find they're very hard on the base of the feet. It's like walking on a metal grid.

Oh, right. So netting pants, for a start off, I mean... That's what they're thinking about. Well, when we say netting... Your backside's going to look like the Harlequin. Oh, well, I didn't like that post. You started it. No, well, I thought I was waiting.

Oh, I'm sorry. I hit the cross-court volley. I was waiting for the return. No, we just let it sail past us. I thought it was more of a net moment. A net? It was your point. Is it the net? Yeah.

At some point. Anyway, we need to get back to the GC. Oh, the GC. She said, it's a miracle that I'm still living to tell the tale. And then what she said was, it could have been the end of the GC. Yeah. That's what she said.

Yeah. Does she call her house GCHQ? Oh, that's good. That is good. She will now. I bet she doesn't, but she said. Yeah. Does she call her house GCHQ? Oh, that's good. That is good. She will now. I bet she doesn't, but she should. I'm not a woman with many secrets. I wouldn't have said. She's done well.

They showed the clip on American TV. I know. Yeah, it could be a bit of an every cloud, couldn't it, for her? Yeah. I think, is it the fact that since the Brexit vote, the EU has loosened its grip a bit on health and safety? All right, so trapdoors can just be open next to people presenting awards now. No one saw that as a side issue of the Brexit vote.

Now some of our greatest stars are in peril. She said she's going to consult a lawyer now. I'm waiting for the next Bryce picture. That's just a matter of time, isn't it? The pap shots. Well, she suddenly said, I've been bruised all down my side. Well, she didn't seem to be talking about the bruises on the day it happened. No, no, but, you know, doctor theatre.

Yeah, they might have formed, that's true. She did also say, I'm not being funny. That was one of the things that was in there. She said, I'm not being funny. I like it when people commentate on their own dialogue. She was bang on the mark there. Well, she is. Never a truer word.

I mean, God bless her. She's, you know, she's done well. I think she's got her own... She's a fashion designer, she described herself. She's from Essex, isn't she? Oh, I believe... Yeah, I'm not that familiar with her atelier, but I believe she does have a range.

Yeah? I don't understand the only way is Essex. These are people that are famous for being from Essex, but there are loads of people from Essex. There are a lot, but I think they're picked out particularly colourful characters. Right. Somebody that can make something out of, you know, falling into a hole. People are going to think that being from Essex

is all it takes to become famous. Is that a Channel 4 show? Daisy will know. ITV2. Oh, is he? Yeah. Because she's suing the BBC is what she suggested she might do.

Oh, yeah. Or she won't bite the hands that feed her. No. But that's our money. We're talking about our money now, aren't we? I think someone's feeding her, let's just say. Oh, what? You can't say that.

Can I? I don't think so. Hold on, let's have a look. No, that's right, you can't. Thank God I got the manual. I don't know what I'd be without the manual. I'd be putting my foot in it on a regular basis. Well, look, you know, I'm a licensed player.

I don't mind them using a fiver or so of my money to... To pay the GC. I'll pay to watch reality stars drop into a pit. I'll go 20 quid. What about that? 20 quid. He's earning, isn't he? The added danger of hungry hydraulics,

which I think they had. What she was worried about is not only falling into the hole, but there was very adjacent hydraulic machinery. She said there was machinery, yeah. Could have chewed her up. Yeah. That would have been.

We wouldn't be sitting here joking about it now if she'd been minced. No. It would have been incredible talent. It would have been. I think we'd have all had a bit of a rethink, as you know. No. It would have been incredible talent. It would have been. I think we'd have all had a bit of a rethink as you know.

Yeah. I would have thought actually she was a nice enough girl she did have made the best of it. God rest her soul we'd be safe.

Would we? She's still alive. All of us. I know she's alive. I feel we can say what we like. Didn't even get not a tenner.

Not a tenner for turning up. Didn't even get a tenner for turning up, Frank. I feel bad for that. It was... I liked when she was on the American show, they showed the clip and it's someone called Wendy Williams. But because she was British, she was pronouncing her name, saying,

this is a British reality star called Gemma Collins. You're familiar with those words, aren't you? Yeah, not that obscure. She pronounced it in a really odd way, like it was Mandarin or something. It's because it was British. I think psychologically she was seeing it as a foreign thing.

Yeah. But yes, I mean, what about if it makes her into an international star? Wow. Brilliant. Fingers crossed. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gemma Collins.

Oh yeah, GC, yeah. I think she said it was the worst moment of her life, didn't she? No, she said it was the worst moment of her life, didn't she? No, she said it was the best and worst moment. Oh, did she? With extraordinary foresight in some ways. I think maybe the press coverage means a lot to her. Oh, well. Fair enough.

I remember that feeling. There was a bit about... She said she spoke to one of the people that worked on the show who hadn't warned her about the hole, the hole, hole, trapdoor thing. Yeah. And then she said the woman came up to her after and said, oh, for God's sake, don't tell anyone that I didn't warn you about the hole, or you'll get me the sack.

And she said, I couldn't do that to her before Christmas. I couldn't do that right on top of Christmas. Then she's done it. That's what she said. I think you're doing it, Gemma. Yeah, yeah, she's absolutely doing it. You're telling that story now, right on top of Christmas. Maybe she means I thought I couldn't do that right on top of Christmas.

No, it turns out I am utterly ruthless when it comes down to it. Shows it's been a learning experience for me, Wendy. I'm not just telling the organisers, I'm telling someone from the sun. Yeah, I think she was talking on something. She was talking to someone called Dan and she kept using his name repeatedly, I noticed. Little trick there. Is that Dan the celebrity? She's finished now now the whole supervisor

oh presumably oh yeah what about when i went on uh i went on the one show and the sort of uh i don't know what but some uh young woman who worked on the show said we're just gonna um we're just gonna walk through the beginning just as a practice and then we'll do the... So I went on. Were you co-presenting, Frank? No, no, I was just a guest. And so that's it. We were walking through the beginning, just as a tryout. And then I realised, after about three minutes, we weren't.

It was live on air. I could have said any Class A swear word that would have would have destroyed me I reckon it's the same woman and I know I've told this story right on top of Christmas I love the concept of on top of Christmas

exactly, pudding week yeah but every week Gemma Collins there was another one like that, did you see that Bill Pullman he got an award as well

I say as well like they're in the same ballpark they're like he's a very fine actor but he was at one of those trendy indie film festivals Torchwood actually lovely nevertheless very fine actor and also indie film festivals. Torchwood, actually. Did he? Is he Torchwood? He was, yeah. Lovely. Nevertheless, very fine actor.

And also, another thing I love. Thanks for going there. Merlin. Independence Day. Merlin. I don't think he made Merlin. I like, those are the only things we say about Merlin. He was the president in Independence Day.

He was. He was the president in Independence Day. He was. He was. Anyway, he picked up an award and he broke into. It was a bit embarrassing because he got up on the sort of rostrum. He got up on the lectern. I would say he was taking part in what one might call lectern rodeo. Yes. He was saying that the lectern was a bit high to be

seen over the top, so he started climbing up it and then the award fell off. It's a weird bit of video though, because it feels like there's about 18 people in the audience. I host awards bigger than that. I never thought I'd say that. He

did a bit of material, didn't he? Did you hear what he did? I wanted to know what the comics... Oh, he said, now I've won two awards. Yeah, what did you make of that? I thought that was all right. I thought that was all right. I mean, I thought it was a man

sort of throwing himself into the abyss of embarrassment. Right. You know, that's how he dealt with it. Yeah. It's a life achievement award. It's quite a big deal. You don't want to... Is that what it was that you got? and that's how he dealt with it. Yeah. Life Achievement Award. It's quite a big deal. Is that what it was? Yeah.

It was the Woodstock Film Festival. Not the ones where they get strung out. Not that Woodstock. No, I'm thinking of the canary thing off Charlie Brown. Oh, I... Is that called Woodstock? Yeah. Was it a canary or was it a chicken?

8, 12, 15. 8, 12, 15? Woodstock, canary or chicken? You decide. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. The big myth when I was at school, I remember, was that Diana Ross was dead.

And it was too big a story to break, so they were keeping it quiet. They had a bit of some music in store they were still putting out. You very much tickled the producer there. I don't know why. I don't remember it. Can I just say,

you didn't actually tickle the producer. You've got to be careful in these. We want a clean... No, you can't do that in the current climate. It's a very clean shop here. Non-contact, it's all verbal. That's the thought, isn't it? A tickling's going to be

one of the innocent victims. I'm not sure it will. I think it'll still happen. I hate being tickled. Well, who benefits? No one. I don't know. My son will ask me to tickle him.

Yeah, there you go. I don't like it. I think it's very overrated. I've done a couple of shows this week. I've considered tickling as a last resort. Someone here has suggested that you make Gemma, the JC, your sidekick if you ever get offered the Brits again. Oh, that's a thought.

Well, it would create a good diversion, wouldn't it? She'll take me on on her shoulders. Do you remember, I think it might have been her own design, she had a dress that was big padded shoulders. Yes, yes. I'd love to ride on on top of that. That would be good. It was orange, wasn't it?

Yeah. I remember it as sort of terracotta. Okay. I'll tell you what it wasn't. That wasn't a frozen shoulder, was it? That was fully alive and well. But the shoulder, you know, it used to be a big thing, didn't it,

in the 80s and stuff? Oh, padded shoulders. Yeah. Our grandson is called Cal Onyx. Wow. That's from Mark and Kayleigh. Cal Onyx. Cal Onyx Jackson. C-A-L.

Cal with a K. We had a whippet called Cal with a C. Oh, yes, I do remember. Cal. He doesn't get as much publicity as Chef. I feel a bit sorry for Cal. The whippet. It's Cal Superman's first name, isn't it?

Cal L, I think. No, darling, it's not really my area. That's his Krypton name. Is it Jor-El and Lara, the mum and dad? You're looking at me as though I'm a Superman. Well, he can't look at me, can he? Superman's dad. Anyway, I bet

he was named after Superman. Was that the one Marlon Brando played? No, he played the dad. Oh, okay. Anyway, Cal-El, Onyx. Well, I'm going to have to let you go. Yeah. We've also had a text from Kerry the Cabbie who says, Morning, Big Daddy.

I don't like that. Morning, Big Daddy and gang. Depends what she's looking at when she wrote it. I had a filet-o-fish yesterday at Gatwick while waiting for my customer. See, I'm not so out of date as you might think. No, you're right, Frank. I stand corrected. Yeah, we've got to be careful with these things because you did announce that a card shop

had closed and it was still live. That sort of rush is what brought the credit crunch. Yeah. Big rush on it. People just don't ask for filet-o-fish because they think they've gone. What's that going to do to the Maxters? Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show. Go on, on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We had a little text tone go just to hammer that home. SFX. I've just checked mine and everything's in order. Oh, good. Yeah, not me. I'm on airplane mode, even though, as you pointed out last week, I say aeroplane. I think Sarah's just fessed up it was her.

Oh, she's claiming no. Okay. Actually, it was me. Okay. Just made up. Never mind. So we've got some idiotic eureka moments, Frank, this morning. Yeah.

Okay, now these are, in case you're not familiar with the show, because we've got people joining every week. Oh, all the time. Yeah. I'm listening for longer as well. I mean, since... I'm led to believe. Yeah.

What is that that listening for longer why did you hear the whole three hours it's great there are people listening for up to seven or eight minutes at a time I don't want to be grateful for 32 minutes come on go for the three I've got stuff to do

but anyway we've got some idiotic eureka moments in this is when you find out, you realise after everyone else that something obvious is what it is. Like somebody last week was saying that for years they've worked in computers and they've only just realised that the letters on the top of a keyboard say QWERTY and now they realise what QWERTY keyboards mean and everybody else knows that that's why it's called a QWERTY.

Yeah. People just thought it was like an adjective. Yeah. It's a what QWERTY keyboards mean. Yes. And everybody else knows, so that's why it's called a QWERTY. Yeah. People just thought it was like an adjective. Yeah. It's a bit QWERTY. Your keyboard's looking a bit QWERTY. Quite quirky. OK, so, yeah, and SUTTY and SWEEP are both SUT and chimney sweeping references. Very much so.

And then, so we had quite a lot of tweets and emails this week because Geoff Lloyd tweeted, I never realised Chubby Checker was a play on Fats Domino until I was in my 40s. And so a lot of people then got in touch with us regarding Geoff's tweet, saying they too had not realised that. And I've got to say, I was in that group.

I didn't know. I did know it, but only because I've heard Chubby Checker in interviews say, that's how I got my name. I haven't seen that many interviews with him, to be honest. It's quite hard to access. I've been around a bit. We're with Maul, hasn't he? It's like Roald Dahl, there's always a twist at the end.

I dare say Frank's worked with Chubby Checker and Fats Domino at some point. I tell you what, do you remember I was in that celebrity softball game in Philadelphia? I don't say Chubby Checker was in it. No, but what happened was, there was me, Bill Cosby, John Grisham, Ron Howard, Adam Sandler. The first time you told me about this, I thought it was a fever dream or a weird improvisation. John Grisham is the one I like.

Adam Sandler looked around the dressing room at all these major stars. Meatloaf and stuff was there. And he went, he said, let me get this right. Chubby Checker is a no-show So I came that close To working with Or at least playing softball with Chubby Checker

You could have had Checker Poor old fat Domino though He was one of the greats Currently he's major organs as well One failed and then the next failed And then the next failed Succession. Very good.

I didn't know he was still with us if I'm honest. So, you know. If Jeremy Lee Lewis went, I would cry like a child, I think. Would you? Yeah. But let's hope that won't happen for a long time.

So then we had another one, Al, didn't we? We had another IEM didn't we we had another iem as we call them um yeah there's been a few hasn't there 663 i had a eureka moment this week when watching the chase this question came up what phone messaging system is upon on whatsapp the answer was whatsapp who knew it seems like i'm the only one who didn't know p.s i absolutely love a fillet of fish. You can't beat the sweetness of the brioche bun and tang of the tartar sauce.

That's Joanne. Don't like the sweetness of brioche. I've got to disagree there. But hey, there's room for us all, isn't there? There's room for us all. Anyway, yes, that is true. I'm just thinking I might launch a new career

a musical career as Bonter Tiddlywink come on come on I'm going to need a whole song back to me now Chobby Checker

Bonter Tiddlywink Bonter right and then I get that right oh god because some comedians they just won't laugh at what they're doing Diddly-wee. Like Billy Bonta. Right. And then I get that. Right. Oh, God. Because some comedians, they just won't laugh at all.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, we were discussing Idiot at Eureka. I think I might have had one this week. Because I've spent some time in Lincolnshire this week.

I was on a little mini break with the family, half term. Lincoln's lovely, isn't it? It's lovely, yeah. And everybody that I've said to, oh, I've been in Lincolnshire this week, has said, good sausages. Everyone. Good sausages.

Were you in the grappling dressing room naked at the time? No, not at all. OK. But I think, unbeknownst to me, I think Lincolnshire must be famous sausage territory. I wouldn't have known that. Cumberland is what I think for sausage. Exactly.

That's where they got the at symbol for. Exactly, for the internet. Well, you love a Cumberland sausage, Frank. I've just had an idiotic Eureka moment myself. No way. Well, we've had one... 738 has been in touch. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan.

I had a Eureka moment, notice they leave out idiotic. Oh, pride. Earlier this week... Pride. But it suddenly occurred to me that the 1980s album, I mean, this is quite niche, admittedly,

H2O by Daryl Hall and John Oates was a play on their names, as well as just the chemical symbol for water. Oh, Hall and Oates. H2O. I'd never known that. Hall to Oates. It's taken me 35 years to realise. I'm off to see them tonight at the O2. What, H2O O2?

O2? Oh, so confusing. Hall and Oates, that wouldn't work with O2 would it no Peter O'Toole I think played the O2 that's why they called it the O2 oh yeah we've had another email hi Frank, Emily and Alan

just listening to a discussion on the radio hi are we in an episode of Glee? Yeah. Did you not know? No. Oh, I didn't even get a tenner for showing up to the episode of Glee. Got it right as she was sipping tea there. Great.

Just listening to a discussion on the radio. I'm just looking forward to that being the new catchphrase for everything. I didn't even get a turn up for turning up. It will be. Al will be saying it with his corporate career. Just listening to a discussion on the radio about university places at Oxford and Cambridge, when somebody mentions...

On what station? It doesn't say. Oh. It says, when somebody mentions Oxbridge, I'd always thought that Oxbridge was one of the colleges at Oxford. How embarrassing. I had an IEM when I suddenly realised that Oxbridge is an amalgamation of both university names.

I guess to refer to the two top and or elitist universities in the country. As you can tell, I attended neither. No. Over and out, Michelle. It is the great thing of course about the idiotic eureka moment is the joy of being able to go what when you have got it.

But yeah, that's a good one though. Oxbridge. Imagine if she'd gone looking for it. That's directions locally. Do you know where Oxbridge is? Ridiculous. What are you talking about?

That's what it would have been like. I never heard of it. I was very lost. She is? She's in Swindon. Who is she? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute radio. Oh, by the way, I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you that I... Obviously, we won a big radio award last week. We didn't talk about it much. No, we did. We crowed. Yeah, we rustled.

We did. We did. We crowed about it. But continuing my role, I am... Turns out this week I'm the 62nd most influential lay Catholic in Great Britain, according to the Tablet Magazine's Hot 100. Really? The Tablet Magazine has a Hot 100?

It does. I didn't get my alerts from the Tablet today, otherwise I would have known that. magazine's Hot 100. Really? The tablet magazine has a Hot 100. It does. I didn't get my alerts from the tablet today, otherwise I would have known that. I was so pleased. Last time I checked it, I was only 69 on there, so I'm climbing. Moving up the ranks in the community.

Loving it. What does that mean, though? It means I am a... Don't put him down. What is a lay Catholic? A lay Catholic is a Catholic who is not a member of the clergy. Oh, is that what it means? Yeah. Right.

I thought it meant, like, lapsed Catholic, and you're not one of those. No, that's a different thing. There you. Are you there every Sunday? There's a few lapsed people, and it lapsed up to the eyeballs, as my old parish priest used to say. What, in the list? Yes.

No. People, I think, come on. Really? Pushing that. But anyway, I was chuffed. I thought, next to the radio thing. Yeah. I mean, these things come in threes.

What's going to happen next? Probably a Nobel Prize, I should think. I don't know about that. No? All right, fair enough. Is that... I'll try and manage our expectations a bit. Yeah.

Unless it's a prize for actually having no bill. Oh, that's good. Very good, Frank. Very good. You should get a prize for that work. Yeah, exactly. Wonderful work. The door knocker award.

It's my own fault for... I was thinking I'd shut the oven door too quickly. I was thinking I'd shot the oven door too quickly. So, nice sausages. Oh, no! No! Oh, love! That's what you said.

Yeah. Oh, the Fez has arrived now. I was taking an in-breath and the Fez arrived. I know, I saw Daisy's hand leaping over there. She's draconian. Saw the chance. Draconian Fez work. Draconian Fez work the third was an American bloke I worked with in the early days.

He's an agent. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got some good news, everyone. Go on. You know, sometimes we do some sort of public service broadcasting. Oh, yeah.

The secret to a happy marriage has been revealed in the newspapers this week. Yeah. By Davina McCall. Who I think has been married quite a long time. Quite a long time. She met her husband on a dog walk? She's been married 17 years. You hear about this thing about people getting dogs and that makes people talk to you

and that's how you meet people. Oh, yeah. People love a chat. That's one of the things that I didn't realise when I entered into the dog world. So, it's been an eye opener. I would not have got one. You're absolutely right.

No. But she reckons the secret to a happy marriage is an egg timer. Yeah. So they turn it on for three minutes and the other one is allowed to tell them exactly how they feel for three minutes, uninterrupted. Yeah.

Okay. And then obviously the reverse. When you say they turn it on for three, does that mean that it lasts for three minutes, the egg timer? Yeah, it has a three minute and then obviously the reverse. When you say they turn it on for three, does that mean that it lasts for three minutes, the egg timer? Yeah, it has a three minutes, and then what happens is, even if you've run out of things to say, because that's going to happen, the other person still has to sit there in silence,

listening, basically. They still can't talk. You have to observe the three minutes. They can't talk in your three minutes. And then they are allowed to have their turn, and this goes on for 30 minutes. So it's five goes each, essentially. I like the idea with me and Kath of me saying...

Five goes each? Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. Five threes? No, it's more than that. Five threes for 15. Yeah, plus the other 15 for the other person.

Right, yeah, yeah. Thank you, Rachel Riley. Oh, 15 each. Yeah. Five goes each, as I said. Thank you very much. I asked Rachel Riley what she'd got in maths. She went to Oxbridge, I think.

Do you know that place? I think she was Oxbridge, yeah. Oxbridge on C, she went. And she said, I got a 2.1. I said, I only got a 2.1. She said, Carol Vorderman got a third. Struck, bang. Yeah, I'll bet.

Straight out of it. Good to know. Yeah. Bang! Yeah, I'll bet. Straight out with it. Good to know. Yeah.

What I think I would do is at the beginning of my three minutes, I'd say something really acerbic and provocative. Horrible. And then I'd shut up and make Kat sit in silence for about two and a half minutes. Oh, just the sound of sand falling gently. I think that was definitely the spirit of the exercise. That would be, that would up the ante considerably. We use an egg timer in my marriage to help it.

Do you? Yeah. I don't know if I want to hear this. If I moan too much, my wife just wedges it into my mouth and that creates a happy marriage. This is a good idea though, I think, Al. Won't be in Cath's favour a chess clock. Oh, yeah.

You know, when you've hit that, when you've said your... Just to emphasise your point, what I'd like to do is if I felt I'd really done an absolute killer argument winner, go, checkmate. Whoa! Wouldn't you spend your three minutes though

just thinking up ripostes to everything I mean I'd be making notes and not really listening to the other party well that's part of it apparently you're not allowed

to use that time to just think of comebacks but how can you control thoughts no quite right so the thing is you know it's open to abuse this system is all I'm saying

particularly if I'm using it I think there's something in it I think when I say there's something in it saying. I think there's something in it. I think when I say there's something in it, I don't mean there's something in it. I mean, I wasn't talking like a youth. Do you mean there's something in the egg timer? I think there's something in the egg timer process.

Principle, yeah. I agree. See, a method that me and Cathy use quite a lot is beginning a sentence, oh, so what you're saying is, and then repeat what they've said, but in a much more extreme and sweary form. Yeah.

So, you know, they haven't quite been antagonistic enough, so your pricey of it lifts it up to that level. And I think that's banned. Yeah. The narky pricey is like all of it. Yeah. The Narky Pricey is like all... No, the Narky Pricey. Narky Pricey, yeah. I think that was an exchange student at my school.

Yeah. I think he went on to be the... I think he was the Pakistani number three batsman for several years. He had a beard. I think he averaged about 36 in international cricket. He wasn't bad, Frank. I was going to say, he had a good innings. He had two good innings.

He had a good innings. He had one fabulous innings at the Oval, I remember. What was he called again? Naki. Naki Bracey. What did you say? What was he called? What was it? Naki what? Naki Bracey Narky Preci. What do you say, what was he called? Yeah. What is it?

Narky what? Narky Preci. Yeah. Narky Preci comes to the... What was he called again? Comes to the crease. Is this alright by the way?

Just about. I think it's fine. I think we've gone under the wire. Yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner've gone under the wire. Yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. I think Kath would probably sometimes use her 30 seconds to say nothing. It's a very tight, compartmentalised sulk. What a great strategy, though. Yeah, you just have to sit there. The silence would be worse. Well, you'd be making a point in itself.

I'll say. But I always assume egg timers do four minutes, because that's your standard boiled egg thing. What do you use? Three. It's three! Famously three. I thought it was famously four.

No, famously three. That was another book. It's a real shameously three. I thought it was famously four. No, famously three. That was another book. It's a real shame this has happened during the last link of the show because we could have a text in. How long do you boil an egg? I always thought three minutes for the egg. I thought it was three. Oh, well, we're all different.

You obviously like it a bit phlegmy. No, we're all the same and you're four. This would actually be the problem in my marriage if we used the egg timer thing because it's a point of conflict in my marriage that I'm convinced I'm the best in the house at cooking eggs. So immediately we get the egg timer out and I'd have to gloat like,

you know, I'm the best in the house at cooking eggs. I mean, to be fair to Frank, four is infinitely preferable to three. I agree. Three isn't enough. Agreed. Well, there you are. It really does feel like the way to sneeze, Donny,

on the way over a three. Oh, I can't cope with that at all. I honestly think it could be a good thing for a relationship. Do you? Yeah, I think you might be right. Just listen, guys, to each other. Come on. But it's important in how you listen as my wife said to me you have to listen to understand not to reply and then i said that's

a good is it my turn to speak now yeah well that's it yeah that's it see i spend most of my time when people are speaking thinking how am i going to top this yeah i love your honesty. No, but it's a terrible thing. That's what people do. It's a rare gift, listening. Yeah. I mean, we can't do... We say that to the listeners.

Exactly. We salute you with your rare gifts. See, we don't get the scope to listen. It's no good us coming on here and trying to listen to them. No. No. Well, maybe we should give them the egg timer once in a while. That would be good.

I don't know about that. That sounds like some sort of thing you did to first years at school. No. No. Well, maybe we should give them the egg timer once in a while. That would be good. I don't know about that. That sounds like some sort of thing you did to first years at school. They gave the egg timer to Dave Willits. Is he all right? Well, we can't undo his belt. Oh, man. I sent a text to Kath a couple of weeks ago,

and I said, I'm going to have to work this Sunday. I'm really sorry about it. And she sent back, no kiss? She said? Yeah. Yeah, I'm with her. I'll do no kiss, question mark. Kiss. That was her.

Which is like when the other team get in the penalty shooter, you miss your penalty and they score. The pressure's on. What did you respond? I just sent two kisses. Why didn't you? I hate a two kiss on its own. Daisy did that to me this week.

I was horrified. I think you've made up for it. No, what I did, I thought, I send two kisses in one, she can cut and paste. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening this morning. Where would we be without you? We'd just, no one would be listening.

Which we're trying to fight. Get your egg timers out and be lovely to each other. What about that? Lovely, don't get enough of that on here. Yes, bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

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